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1
00:00:01,104 --> 00:00:02,204
Ding!
2
00:00:02,272 --> 00:00:04,139
Mmm.
3
00:00:04,207 --> 00:00:05,608
Ding. What are we?
4
00:00:05,675 --> 00:00:06,575
A typewriter.
5
00:00:06,643 --> 00:00:07,808
Unsanitary.
6
00:00:07,876 --> 00:00:09,176
Brad is correct.
Jane is a bitch.
7
00:00:09,245 --> 00:00:10,245
- Yes!
- Mm.
8
00:00:10,312 --> 00:00:11,979
I'm always right
about cornplay.
9
00:00:12,047 --> 00:00:13,781
Was wrong about Coldplay,
though. They're still huge.
10
00:00:13,849 --> 00:00:15,149
Yes, they are.
11
00:00:15,217 --> 00:00:17,118
Speaking of things
we never thought would last,
12
00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:19,053
look at you two.
Still going strong.
13
00:00:19,121 --> 00:00:20,855
Yeah, best of all,
14
00:00:20,922 --> 00:00:23,557
we've got the original foursome
back together.
15
00:00:23,625 --> 00:00:24,691
- Roll call!
- Oh!
16
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:25,792
- Brad. Jane.
- Mm.
17
00:00:25,860 --> 00:00:26,893
Dave. Alex.
18
00:00:26,961 --> 00:00:28,495
We must protect this house!
19
00:00:28,563 --> 00:00:29,496
Yeah!
20
00:00:29,564 --> 00:00:31,298
- And Max!
- Yeah!
21
00:00:31,366 --> 00:00:32,899
Hello?
This is not a foursome.
22
00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:34,868
You guys are
totally fifth-wheeling me.
23
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:37,437
Come on, man. We're not
fifth-wheeling you, Joey Fatone.
24
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,472
Yeah, you're still part
of the group, sporty spice.
25
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,240
You're our favorite character,
Roz from "Frasier."
26
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,308
Watch it.
27
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,009
Oh, Roz.
She was the rozziest.
28
00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:46,579
Whatever. I don't need
the four of you anyway,
29
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,381
because here comes Penny,
30
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,182
and she no doubt
has a tall tale to tell
31
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:53,152
about how she ruined her 10 day
old relationship with Pete.
32
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,453
- I live for these stories.
- Hey, guys.
33
00:00:55,521 --> 00:00:57,555
Hey. Pen. Let me guess.
34
00:00:57,623 --> 00:00:59,658
Pete broke up with you because
he was shaving at your house
35
00:00:59,725 --> 00:01:02,894
and caught you whipping
the whiskers into a little vial
36
00:01:02,961 --> 00:01:04,228
that you would thus wear
around your neck
37
00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,898
so you would always have
a piece of him on you.
38
00:01:06,965 --> 00:01:08,700
- No.
- Max, that is rude.
39
00:01:08,768 --> 00:01:10,001
I am sure that he broke up
with her
40
00:01:10,068 --> 00:01:11,302
because she showed him
a video of her birth
41
00:01:11,369 --> 00:01:14,004
because she thought it would
"bring 'em closer"?
42
00:01:14,071 --> 00:01:15,773
I know. She came up with
a nickname for his junk,
43
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,442
- then got confused and called it "dad."
- Could be.
44
00:01:18,510 --> 00:01:20,744
No. You guys! STD.
45
00:01:20,812 --> 00:01:22,846
I was gonna guess that!
You to him or him to you?
46
00:01:22,914 --> 00:01:25,349
No, STD--
Sorry To Disappoint,
47
00:01:25,417 --> 00:01:27,350
also, still together, dummies.
48
00:01:27,418 --> 00:01:28,785
Double STD.
49
00:01:28,852 --> 00:01:32,355
That's right, friends,
Pete and I are a-doing a-great.
50
00:01:32,423 --> 00:01:34,791
- Oh, yeah. Well, where is this Pete?
- He's parking the car.
51
00:01:34,858 --> 00:01:36,326
Yeah? The getaway car?
He's about to come in here
52
00:01:36,393 --> 00:01:37,860
and break up with you
right in front of us?
53
00:01:37,928 --> 00:01:39,429
Hey, everyone.
54
00:01:39,496 --> 00:01:40,396
Ah, do it, Pete.
55
00:01:40,464 --> 00:01:42,398
Missed you, babe.
56
00:01:42,466 --> 00:01:44,700
Aw! Okay, scooch, guys.
57
00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:45,767
Man on end.
58
00:01:45,835 --> 00:01:47,769
There's a man coming through.
59
00:01:49,572 --> 00:01:50,672
Uhh!
60
00:01:50,740 --> 00:01:52,207
Oh!
61
00:01:52,274 --> 00:01:53,675
Seriously?
62
00:01:53,743 --> 00:01:55,877
- Idiot.
- Max, you're the rozziest.
63
00:01:59,215 --> 00:02:05,052
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
64
00:02:09,324 --> 00:02:11,325
So we are all set
for dad's party.
65
00:02:11,393 --> 00:02:13,728
Traditional Serbian restaurant--
check.
66
00:02:13,795 --> 00:02:16,295
Traditional Serbian menu--
a-check.
67
00:02:16,364 --> 00:02:17,530
Traditional Serbian music--
68
00:02:17,598 --> 00:02:20,834
Czech... Oslovakian.
69
00:02:20,901 --> 00:02:23,135
It is tough to find
a Serbian band.
70
00:02:23,203 --> 00:02:24,937
By the way, Jane,
I took care of the apps.
71
00:02:25,005 --> 00:02:26,606
We're gonna have
head cheese dumplings
72
00:02:26,674 --> 00:02:28,508
with blood sausage
dipping sauce.
73
00:02:30,244 --> 00:02:32,244
Okay, now I just
have to figure out
74
00:02:32,311 --> 00:02:34,045
what I'm gonna say in my toast
to dad.
75
00:02:34,113 --> 00:02:34,980
Just say something nice
and heartfelt.
76
00:02:35,047 --> 00:02:36,582
- You're good at that.
- Boring.
77
00:02:36,649 --> 00:02:40,486
This year,
I'm a-gonna do some a-comedy.
78
00:02:40,553 --> 00:02:43,355
That's a a-terrible a-idea.
79
00:02:43,423 --> 00:02:45,657
Yeah, especially for dad.
He doesn't laugh at anything.
80
00:02:45,725 --> 00:02:47,225
I mean, except for Gallagher.
81
00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:49,093
- But who doesn't find Gallagher hilarious?
- I don't.
82
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,363
With the watermelons
and the smashing?
83
00:02:52,431 --> 00:02:54,699
It's funny
because it's wasteful.
84
00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:56,901
- It's just not funny.
- Well, I am gonna make him laugh
85
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,369
by constructing
the perfect joke
86
00:02:58,437 --> 00:02:59,904
appealing
to his specific interests,
87
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:02,573
crafted by his loving daughter,
who's done exhaustive research.
88
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,207
Comedy's all about research,
babe.
89
00:03:04,275 --> 00:03:06,710
It's why Dave Chappelle has
two Lexisnexis accounts.
90
00:03:06,778 --> 00:03:08,445
- You'll see.
- I don't know.
91
00:03:08,513 --> 00:03:10,313
I mean, your dad's kind of
a tough room.
92
00:03:10,381 --> 00:03:13,850
So... parties, right?
93
00:03:13,918 --> 00:03:15,719
Why would you say that?
94
00:03:15,787 --> 00:03:17,754
Well, at least this year
I've got Dave.
95
00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:19,688
Actually, I told Dave
that he didn't have to go.
96
00:03:19,756 --> 00:03:22,958
- What?! - I know, but these family
events are so long and boring.
97
00:03:23,026 --> 00:03:25,260
- Got that right.
- Plus Dave's steak truck
98
00:03:25,328 --> 00:03:27,062
just got hired
for a Quincea?era.
99
00:03:27,130 --> 00:03:30,399
Yeah. 15-year-old Mexican girls
love Dave.
100
00:03:30,467 --> 00:03:32,968
They call him
vaquera blanca de fuego.
101
00:03:33,036 --> 00:03:35,537
- ?Que?
- The fiery white cowgirl.
102
00:03:35,604 --> 00:03:37,171
He is not fiery.
103
00:03:37,239 --> 00:03:38,673
No.
104
00:03:38,741 --> 00:03:41,042
So you're really not going
to Mr. K's party?
105
00:03:41,109 --> 00:03:42,577
Yeah. Alex said she was cool
with it.
106
00:03:42,645 --> 00:03:44,479
Oh, Dave, you scruffy dummy.
107
00:03:44,547 --> 00:03:46,781
- I'm glad you came to me.
- You came here.
108
00:03:46,849 --> 00:03:48,917
Going to family events
is a major part
109
00:03:48,984 --> 00:03:50,485
of being
in a serious relationship.
110
00:03:50,553 --> 00:03:51,985
You have to be there.
111
00:03:52,053 --> 00:03:54,788
This is the 20th anniversary
of a man's mattress store.
112
00:03:54,856 --> 00:03:57,758
It's two decades of pillow tops
and memory foam.
113
00:03:57,826 --> 00:03:59,292
Memory foam, Dave--
114
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,228
it doesn't forget,
and neither will Alex.
115
00:04:02,296 --> 00:04:03,630
So even though Alex said
I don't have to go,
116
00:04:03,698 --> 00:04:05,165
she really wants me there.
117
00:04:05,232 --> 00:04:07,600
And bingo was his name-o.
118
00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:09,168
David, I have been
in a thriving relaysh
119
00:04:09,235 --> 00:04:11,103
for-- I can't even
remember how long.
120
00:04:11,171 --> 00:04:13,573
- 10 days.
- 11 nights. You have to trust me.
121
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,140
I don't want to overstate it,
but I think
122
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:17,710
I've sort of mastered
relationships completely,
123
00:04:17,778 --> 00:04:19,411
like forever,
into perpa-tutu.
124
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,113
Well, I do think
you want to overstate it,
125
00:04:21,181 --> 00:04:23,082
but I'm happy
that you and Pete are happy.
126
00:04:23,149 --> 00:04:25,383
It is going so great!
127
00:04:25,451 --> 00:04:28,219
I haven't even made that list of
faults that I make for every guy
128
00:04:28,287 --> 00:04:29,855
so that if we break up,
129
00:04:29,922 --> 00:04:32,591
I can console myself with
his many weaknesses and such.
130
00:04:32,658 --> 00:04:34,693
- You do that?
- Oh, yeah.
131
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:35,994
Name any guy I've ever dated.
132
00:04:36,061 --> 00:04:37,362
Simon.
133
00:04:37,429 --> 00:04:38,530
Micro junk,
played the recorder,
134
00:04:38,598 --> 00:04:39,730
addicted to angel dust.
135
00:04:39,798 --> 00:04:42,366
Oh. Now I feel better.
136
00:04:42,433 --> 00:04:44,502
Simon was addicted
to angel dust?
137
00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:46,670
That's why he was
always punching cars.
138
00:04:46,738 --> 00:04:48,839
I just thought he was cool.
139
00:04:48,907 --> 00:04:52,342
Max, you are gonna help me build
the perfect joke for my dad,
140
00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:55,645
you are my less fit,
less handsome Bruce Vilanch.
141
00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:57,480
Ooh. Low blow.
142
00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,616
Okay, these are
my dad's chief interests.
143
00:04:59,683 --> 00:05:01,450
Pay attention.
144
00:05:01,519 --> 00:05:03,386
- World War II...
- Uh-huh.
145
00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:04,921
- Chicago Bears.
- Uh-huh.
146
00:05:04,989 --> 00:05:07,189
Bass fishing.
147
00:05:07,257 --> 00:05:08,324
Chevy Chase.
148
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:09,559
The actor
or the Maryland suburb?
149
00:05:09,627 --> 00:05:11,727
Neither. Talk show host.
150
00:05:11,794 --> 00:05:13,328
My dad was a big fan
of "The Chevy Chase Show."
151
00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,898
He always bet on the wrong horse
when it came to late night--
152
00:05:15,965 --> 00:05:18,366
Rivers, Thicke, Johnson.
153
00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,068
Loved "The Magic Hour."
154
00:05:20,136 --> 00:05:21,436
Magic's a national hero.
155
00:05:21,504 --> 00:05:23,772
He really raised awareness
about how a person
156
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,575
could successfully live
with not having a talk show.
157
00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:28,476
- Mm.
- Next interest.
158
00:05:28,544 --> 00:05:32,313
No, that's it. I mean, except
for old-timey slide projectors.
159
00:05:32,381 --> 00:05:33,681
It's freaking me out.
160
00:05:33,749 --> 00:05:35,550
I need a joke that is gonna hit
on all of these areas.
161
00:05:35,617 --> 00:05:36,851
Okay? So go!
162
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:39,220
All right.
163
00:05:39,288 --> 00:05:41,989
Okay. Chevy.
Chevy. Chevy. Chevy. Chevy.
164
00:05:42,058 --> 00:05:43,691
I'm running with Chevy.
165
00:05:43,759 --> 00:05:45,992
We're running away from Nazis.
166
00:05:46,061 --> 00:05:49,196
I'm in a very
"Saturday Nacht Live" place?
167
00:05:49,264 --> 00:05:50,697
Let's try to find
the middle of the road.
168
00:05:50,765 --> 00:05:53,133
I'm sorry.
I'm a little off my game, okay?
169
00:05:53,201 --> 00:05:54,834
It's just-- Penny's been
hanging out so much with Pete.
170
00:05:54,902 --> 00:05:56,903
- I really miss her.
- Mm.
171
00:05:56,971 --> 00:05:59,573
I mean, her crazy
train-wreck break-up stories
172
00:05:59,574 --> 00:06:01,474
that make me feel so much
better about my life.
173
00:06:01,508 --> 00:06:03,342
Max, Penny's happy,
174
00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:04,944
so as her friend,
you should be--
175
00:06:05,011 --> 00:06:06,745
Probably be trying
to break her and Pete up.
176
00:06:06,813 --> 00:06:08,514
Yeah, I just don't know
if that seems like me,
177
00:06:08,582 --> 00:06:10,583
but I do like your other idea.
178
00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:13,252
- What other idea? - Find someone
who's as big a mess as Penny,
179
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,221
start hanging out with her
to make Penny jealous,
180
00:06:15,289 --> 00:06:18,490
thus forcing Penny to come
crawling back to me.
181
00:06:18,558 --> 00:06:19,958
Never said that.
182
00:06:20,025 --> 00:06:22,026
Oh, Jane. Give yourself
some credit, girl.
183
00:06:22,095 --> 00:06:23,095
You are that good.
184
00:06:23,162 --> 00:06:24,496
Credit taken.
185
00:06:24,564 --> 00:06:25,697
You put it in my brain.
186
00:06:30,303 --> 00:06:32,636
Mmm.
187
00:06:32,704 --> 00:06:33,704
Mmm. Yum.
188
00:06:33,771 --> 00:06:34,671
Alex!
189
00:06:34,739 --> 00:06:35,806
Mom!
190
00:06:35,873 --> 00:06:37,908
- Oh! Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
191
00:06:37,976 --> 00:06:40,677
Look at your plate.
192
00:06:40,745 --> 00:06:42,879
What are you eating?
193
00:06:42,947 --> 00:06:44,348
Salad?
194
00:06:44,416 --> 00:06:47,784
What did I teach you
about buffet strategy?
195
00:06:47,852 --> 00:06:49,419
Always start
with your high-end meats.
196
00:06:49,487 --> 00:06:51,921
Skip veggies. They'll only
fill you up with nonsense.
197
00:06:51,989 --> 00:06:53,256
And...
198
00:06:53,324 --> 00:06:55,492
Be sure
to make sexual eye contact
199
00:06:55,559 --> 00:06:56,892
with the carver.
200
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,761
Your stomach will thank you.
201
00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:01,231
I love you, mom.
202
00:07:01,298 --> 00:07:04,600
Oh, don't get sappy.
It's buffet time.
203
00:07:08,738 --> 00:07:11,072
So then, Mike Ditka,
204
00:07:11,141 --> 00:07:12,674
former Bears coach,
205
00:07:12,742 --> 00:07:14,943
is in a sherman tank,
206
00:07:15,011 --> 00:07:17,012
and he is holding a fish--
a bass.
207
00:07:17,079 --> 00:07:18,247
Right.
208
00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:21,382
And then he says...
209
00:07:21,450 --> 00:07:25,153
he says,
"next slide, please."
210
00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:27,455
Boom.
211
00:07:27,523 --> 00:07:28,856
Huh.
212
00:07:28,923 --> 00:07:31,892
Oh, okay. Yeah. All right.
Uh...
213
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,127
I don't get it.
214
00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:38,064
Okay. All right.
"Next slide, please."
215
00:07:38,132 --> 00:07:39,599
Boom!
216
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:42,602
Oh. Okay.
217
00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:45,172
- Now is "boom" part of it? 'Cause, um, I--
- Hey!
218
00:07:45,239 --> 00:07:47,274
- Hey, dad.
- Oh, hey.
219
00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:48,608
Congratulations!
220
00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:50,109
There's my girl.
221
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,778
Looking forward to
your heartfelt toast tonight.
222
00:07:52,845 --> 00:07:54,112
I could use a nap.
223
00:07:55,682 --> 00:07:58,083
I might surprise you this year.
224
00:07:58,151 --> 00:08:00,619
In fact, I am gonna go actually
work on my toast right now.
225
00:08:00,687 --> 00:08:02,154
So you're good.
You're good, right?
226
00:08:02,222 --> 00:08:03,422
No. Just don't...
227
00:08:03,490 --> 00:08:07,459
Stay with me
228
00:08:08,661 --> 00:08:11,062
Skinny Margarita, please.
229
00:08:14,667 --> 00:08:17,735
So...
230
00:08:17,803 --> 00:08:20,037
parties, right?
231
00:08:21,607 --> 00:08:23,374
Really?
232
00:08:23,442 --> 00:08:24,608
You're still on that?
233
00:08:24,676 --> 00:08:26,510
Um...
234
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:30,581
Wanna hear a joke?
235
00:08:32,217 --> 00:08:33,417
Try me.
236
00:08:33,484 --> 00:08:35,719
Open.
237
00:08:35,786 --> 00:08:37,887
Now there's a little
pocket of meat in there.
238
00:08:37,955 --> 00:08:39,923
Now bite down on it.
239
00:08:39,990 --> 00:08:41,724
- And--
- Mmm!
240
00:08:41,791 --> 00:08:43,792
- Uh-huh. What do you taste?
- More meat.
241
00:08:43,860 --> 00:08:45,528
Now you're getting
the hang of it.
242
00:08:45,596 --> 00:08:47,463
- Mmm!
- Hey, everybody.
243
00:08:47,531 --> 00:08:49,265
- Surprise!
- Dave.
244
00:08:49,333 --> 00:08:51,033
Alex. Mrs. K.
245
00:08:51,101 --> 00:08:53,168
- Oh.
- You look beautiful tonight.
246
00:08:53,237 --> 00:08:55,238
- Oh, Dave, what are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
247
00:08:55,305 --> 00:08:56,538
Well, Al, I know you said
I didn't have to come,
248
00:08:56,606 --> 00:08:58,540
but I thought about it,
and I should be here.
249
00:08:58,608 --> 00:09:00,041
We're getting serious again.
250
00:09:00,109 --> 00:09:02,210
- Serious?
- Yeah.
251
00:09:02,278 --> 00:09:04,613
He means like how we're
all getting serious again,
252
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,781
you know, 'cause of all the wars
and the flash mobs
253
00:09:06,849 --> 00:09:08,516
and that floating
garbage island.
254
00:09:08,584 --> 00:09:11,185
Okay,
we are post-Katrina, guys.
255
00:09:11,254 --> 00:09:14,355
In conclusion, let me
walk you out, my solemn chum.
256
00:09:14,422 --> 00:09:15,322
Let's go.
257
00:09:17,191 --> 00:09:18,992
What was that all about?
258
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:20,961
Well...
I may not have told my parents
259
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,063
- that we're back together.
- What?
260
00:09:23,131 --> 00:09:25,131
Maybe I did.
No, I definitely didn't.
261
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:27,533
So Mike Ditka rolls up
262
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,502
on his sherman tank, right?
263
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:30,837
And then Ditka says,
264
00:09:30,905 --> 00:09:33,339
"next slide, please."
265
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,151
Boom!
266
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:51,891
No boom?
267
00:09:55,546 --> 00:09:57,013
That was hilarious!
268
00:09:57,081 --> 00:09:58,815
Usually, I'm not much
of a joke joke guy.
269
00:09:58,882 --> 00:10:00,250
I like physical comedy--
something where
270
00:10:00,318 --> 00:10:02,018
a big piece of fruit
makes the ultimate sacrifice.
271
00:10:02,086 --> 00:10:03,653
- You know what I'm talking about?
- Yes.
272
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,621
But I am seeing you now
in a whole new light, Brad.
273
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:07,123
Well, I hope it's a light
274
00:10:07,191 --> 00:10:08,291
from Ditka's old-timey
slide projector.
275
00:10:08,359 --> 00:10:10,427
Uhh!
276
00:10:10,494 --> 00:10:12,127
It's a great joke.
277
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,930
It was masterfully crafted.
278
00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:17,732
Look, I'm sorry. You left me
alone with him, and I panicked.
279
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,634
I'm seeing you
in a whole new light, too--
280
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:22,171
the kind of light they use
when you try on a bathing suit,
281
00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:25,640
which is
a very unflattering light, sir.
282
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:26,608
Not good!
283
00:10:28,243 --> 00:10:29,377
How could you not have told
your parents
284
00:10:29,445 --> 00:10:30,845
that we're back together?
285
00:10:30,912 --> 00:10:32,813
It's not the easiest
conversation to have.
286
00:10:32,881 --> 00:10:34,048
I mean, my father
just now forgave me
287
00:10:34,116 --> 00:10:35,516
for the whole wedding fiasco.
288
00:10:35,584 --> 00:10:37,285
I mean, that was
a hugely embarrassing event
289
00:10:37,353 --> 00:10:39,354
- for our whole family.
- Really?
290
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:42,023
- Yeah. - 'Cause my family thought
it was a rocking good time.
291
00:10:42,091 --> 00:10:45,658
Look, if I can get over this,
so can your folks.
292
00:10:45,726 --> 00:10:47,060
All right,
let's tell them right now.
293
00:10:47,128 --> 00:10:49,029
I'll do it. Come on.
294
00:10:49,097 --> 00:10:51,398
Okay. Yeah. You're right.
Let's do it.
295
00:10:51,466 --> 00:10:52,532
Okay.
296
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,701
Dave Rose and my daughter Alex.
297
00:10:54,768 --> 00:10:55,969
Hey.
298
00:10:56,037 --> 00:10:57,404
You know,
when I see you two nitwits,
299
00:10:57,472 --> 00:10:59,171
I'm reminded
of that fateful day
300
00:10:59,239 --> 00:11:00,772
when you didn't get married,
and I spent tons of money.
301
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,174
Remember that day?
302
00:11:02,242 --> 00:11:04,643
You didn't get married.
I spent tons of money.
303
00:11:04,711 --> 00:11:07,046
You didn't spend tons of money.
I did.
304
00:11:07,114 --> 00:11:10,416
You know, I won't be able
to retire on time.
305
00:11:11,751 --> 00:11:13,619
Anyway, great to see you.
306
00:11:13,686 --> 00:11:15,686
Uh...
307
00:11:15,754 --> 00:11:17,422
Not as easy
as you thought, huh?
308
00:11:18,857 --> 00:11:19,957
Hey, you.
309
00:11:20,026 --> 00:11:21,192
This is my new Penny.
310
00:11:21,260 --> 00:11:22,560
Uh, friend. Sorry.
311
00:11:22,628 --> 00:11:25,163
Penny, this is Nickel.
312
00:11:25,231 --> 00:11:26,731
It's pronounced Nicole.
313
00:11:26,798 --> 00:11:29,334
A Nickel's worth five times
as much as Penny.
314
00:11:29,402 --> 00:11:32,136
This trick got some crazy
stories. Tell her, Nickel.
315
00:11:32,203 --> 00:11:34,638
Well, I was dating this guy from
my overdaters anonymous group.
316
00:11:34,705 --> 00:11:37,241
His name is Kevin. Crap. I'm not
supposed to say his name.
317
00:11:37,308 --> 00:11:39,776
It's Kevin Murphy.
Why am I telling you that?
318
00:11:39,844 --> 00:11:42,846
His mother's maiden name
is Andleman. Can't stop!
319
00:11:42,914 --> 00:11:44,981
- Then don't.
- Anyway, I go to the trouble
320
00:11:45,050 --> 00:11:46,616
to create a Yelp page
about myself,
321
00:11:46,684 --> 00:11:49,218
- and he doesn't even review me.
- No.
322
00:11:49,286 --> 00:11:53,089
But his mother does,
and her review is scathing.
323
00:11:53,157 --> 00:11:54,723
Unh-unh.
Pronounce it like I taught you.
324
00:11:54,791 --> 00:11:55,824
Scah-thing!
325
00:11:55,892 --> 00:11:56,926
Ooh. Nice.
326
00:11:56,993 --> 00:11:58,394
- Oh, Max.
- Oh, Penny.
327
00:11:58,462 --> 00:11:59,562
- I know what you're doing.
- Oh, do you?
328
00:11:59,629 --> 00:12:00,930
Because I'm finally in, like,
329
00:12:00,997 --> 00:12:02,798
a really healthy relationship
with a great guy...
330
00:12:02,866 --> 00:12:03,798
Mm-hmm.
331
00:12:03,866 --> 00:12:05,434
And it's just making you feel
332
00:12:05,501 --> 00:12:07,936
like I'm the perfect
relationship guru,
333
00:12:08,003 --> 00:12:09,671
and you want me
to help your friend.
334
00:12:09,738 --> 00:12:11,806
I will do it. Nicole, yay. Let's
talk. Come here, baby girl.
335
00:12:11,874 --> 00:12:13,175
Unh-unh-unh, baby girl.
336
00:12:13,242 --> 00:12:14,976
We BFFs. What kind
of lady tamps you usin'?
337
00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:17,745
- Uh... - Okay, Nicole, do you mind
if I ask you what sign you are?
338
00:12:17,813 --> 00:12:20,181
- Taurus. - Okay. You're gonna
need a really stable man,
339
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:21,549
like someone who deserves you.
340
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,051
Oh, my gosh!
You need someone like Jimmy.
341
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:26,287
Jimmy is Pete's brother,
and he is almost
342
00:12:26,354 --> 00:12:27,754
as awesome as Pete.
343
00:12:27,822 --> 00:12:29,323
Almost.
344
00:12:29,391 --> 00:12:31,459
Nah, he's better.
He's Jimmy.
345
00:12:31,526 --> 00:12:33,360
- Aw!
- Are we in the same spin class?
346
00:12:33,428 --> 00:12:34,928
Oh. Yeah.
347
00:12:34,996 --> 00:12:36,529
Spin class or chemistry class?
348
00:12:36,597 --> 00:12:39,099
It's like "Breaking Bad"
in here. Sit down. Let's cook.
349
00:12:39,166 --> 00:12:41,067
- My plan is failing.
- Max, please scooch.
350
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,136
Scooch, scooch, scooch.
351
00:12:43,204 --> 00:12:45,572
Ah. There we go.
352
00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:46,872
I could do this all day.
353
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,308
Hmm... hmm.
354
00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,477
The deejay wouldn't give us
our money back--
355
00:12:51,544 --> 00:12:53,345
only a credit
on a future event.
356
00:12:53,413 --> 00:12:54,913
Thank God for us,
your grandma died.
357
00:12:54,981 --> 00:12:56,548
Now her favorite song
was "Brick House,"
358
00:12:56,616 --> 00:12:58,584
so it all worked out.
359
00:12:58,651 --> 00:13:01,052
Look, Dave, isn't there
something that you'd like to say
360
00:13:01,121 --> 00:13:03,388
about people
and their situation?
361
00:13:03,456 --> 00:13:05,524
Yes. Mm.
362
00:13:05,592 --> 00:13:07,791
Yes. Alex and I are--
363
00:13:07,859 --> 00:13:10,528
Look, I'm sorry. I know I've
been beating up on you guys,
364
00:13:10,596 --> 00:13:12,997
but, Dave,
I always really liked you.
365
00:13:13,064 --> 00:13:15,065
- Actually, I have a lot of respect for you.
- Really?
366
00:13:15,134 --> 00:13:17,635
Yeah. It takes a big man
to stay friends
367
00:13:17,702 --> 00:13:20,037
with a woman who humiliated him
like that.
368
00:13:20,105 --> 00:13:22,673
- Well, I don't think "humiliated"
is the right word. - Emasculated.
369
00:13:22,741 --> 00:13:24,674
That's good.
Oh, uh, embarrassed.
370
00:13:24,742 --> 00:13:25,942
Uh-huh
uh, castrated.
371
00:13:26,010 --> 00:13:28,845
Ooh. Could the word "eunuch"
be a verb?
372
00:13:28,912 --> 00:13:30,947
- No.
- It's a place, mom.
373
00:13:31,015 --> 00:13:32,549
Oh. I'm sorry.
374
00:13:32,617 --> 00:13:35,585
Well, Dave,
what's new with you?
375
00:13:35,653 --> 00:13:37,621
I mean, have you
been dating anyone?
376
00:13:37,688 --> 00:13:39,988
Dating? Yes.
377
00:13:40,056 --> 00:13:41,590
Lots.
378
00:13:41,658 --> 00:13:43,425
Yards and yards of ladies.
379
00:13:43,493 --> 00:13:45,561
In fact, meters, even,
380
00:13:45,629 --> 00:13:47,263
'cause of the Canadians.
381
00:13:47,330 --> 00:13:48,564
Yeah, I'm all aboot
382
00:13:48,632 --> 00:13:51,099
that Canadian strange, eh?
383
00:13:52,369 --> 00:13:53,602
Gotta go.
384
00:13:58,340 --> 00:13:59,940
I think Jimmy
really liked Nicole.
385
00:14:00,008 --> 00:14:04,078
Oh, what can I say?
I have the hot hand.
386
00:14:05,481 --> 00:14:07,182
Hello.
387
00:14:07,249 --> 00:14:09,584
How do you do it, Penny Hartz?
388
00:14:09,652 --> 00:14:11,185
Where does it come from,
389
00:14:11,252 --> 00:14:13,187
this uncanny knack
390
00:14:13,254 --> 00:14:16,056
for giving lovers
their road maps to happiness?
391
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:17,857
I don't know.
392
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,793
I think it comes from
always making the right moves
393
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,127
in my own relationship.
394
00:14:21,196 --> 00:14:23,029
But you tell me.
You're the expert.
395
00:14:23,097 --> 00:14:24,898
Penny, what is this?
396
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,633
A list of "Pete's faults"?
397
00:14:26,701 --> 00:14:28,167
Oh. That.
398
00:14:28,235 --> 00:14:30,469
That list in particular--
399
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,605
that's about Pete Rose.
400
00:14:32,673 --> 00:14:35,641
He-- he bet on baseball.
He's a bad man. Let me just--
401
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,376
"Nipples a quarter inch
too low,
402
00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,812
too much of a gentleman
in the boudoir,
403
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,481
repeated mispronunciation
of kwy-noa?"
404
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,817
It's quinoa.
405
00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:47,419
You made a list of my flaws?
406
00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:49,321
No. Yes.
407
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,256
It's this thing that I do.
408
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,858
I think I gotta go.
409
00:14:53,926 --> 00:14:55,560
Wait.
410
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:56,894
No!
411
00:14:56,962 --> 00:14:58,162
Pete!
412
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,197
I'm pregnant! I'm not!
But I could be!
413
00:15:00,265 --> 00:15:03,400
We could sell it
and live off the money!
414
00:15:05,873 --> 00:15:07,641
There he is.
415
00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:10,944
Why the long face,
Michael Phelps?
416
00:15:11,012 --> 00:15:12,513
I don't know, man.
417
00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:14,081
I guess I didn't really think
about what it would mean
418
00:15:14,149 --> 00:15:15,616
to get back together with Alex,
419
00:15:15,683 --> 00:15:17,750
and now, you know,
everyone in there is gonna want
420
00:15:17,818 --> 00:15:19,685
to put in their 2 cents,
and--
421
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,387
Buddy, you don't think
Jane and I
422
00:15:21,455 --> 00:15:23,323
have to deal with that
every day?
423
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:25,091
Especially with family.
424
00:15:25,159 --> 00:15:26,792
For years, my aunt Margaret's
nickname for Jane
425
00:15:26,860 --> 00:15:28,961
- has been "cocaine."
- What?
426
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:30,796
Yeah. Skinny, white,
427
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,465
and a scourge
to the black community.
428
00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:34,099
That's a special kind
of racism.
429
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,667
Yeah. You know what?
430
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,702
Jane and I get through it.
431
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,371
We don't care
what people think.
432
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,340
You're right.
433
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:43,175
Wait. Aren't you stealing
your wife's jokes
434
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:45,511
because you do care
what Mr. K thinks?
435
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:49,313
Do as I say, bruh,
not as I duh.
436
00:15:56,555 --> 00:15:57,921
You made the list?
437
00:15:57,989 --> 00:15:59,624
Of course
I made the fault list.
438
00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:01,825
I'm me, and that is not all.
439
00:16:01,893 --> 00:16:03,827
Oh, thank God that's not all.
Hit me.
440
00:16:03,895 --> 00:16:05,595
So after Pete left,
I followed him down the street
441
00:16:05,663 --> 00:16:08,532
into the convenience store where
I hid in the magazine section.
442
00:16:08,599 --> 00:16:10,900
- Uh-huh. - But then he saw me,
so I tried to duck down...
443
00:16:10,968 --> 00:16:13,470
- Uh-huh. - But my shirt got torn
by the salty snack rack!
444
00:16:13,538 --> 00:16:15,539
- Uh-oh!
- And then my boob popped out.
445
00:16:15,606 --> 00:16:16,673
Yes! Which one?
446
00:16:16,740 --> 00:16:19,309
- The bad one. The right.
- Uh-oh. The left.
447
00:16:19,377 --> 00:16:20,810
To me, they're both horrible.
Keep going.
448
00:16:20,878 --> 00:16:22,311
- Keep going. Keep going.
- Okay, so then I tried
449
00:16:22,379 --> 00:16:23,479
to pull off a magazine
to cover my boob,
450
00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:26,081
and it's "Bride Weekly"!
451
00:16:26,149 --> 00:16:27,583
What?
Yikes on bikes!
452
00:16:27,651 --> 00:16:29,751
Yikes, yikes,
yikes, yikes, yikes.
453
00:16:29,819 --> 00:16:31,019
Oh, I have missed
these stories.
454
00:16:31,087 --> 00:16:32,321
I miss Pete.
455
00:16:39,061 --> 00:16:40,428
Oh.
456
00:16:40,496 --> 00:16:41,896
You really--
you really like him.
457
00:16:41,963 --> 00:16:43,264
Mm-hmm.
458
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,535
What's wrong,
honey? You're not eating.
459
00:16:47,603 --> 00:16:48,836
Nothing.
460
00:16:50,138 --> 00:16:52,139
Oh.
461
00:16:52,208 --> 00:16:54,841
You're just rolling
your sausage around.
462
00:16:54,909 --> 00:16:56,109
Yeah.
463
00:16:57,412 --> 00:16:58,945
Hey. Hey, Serbians.
464
00:16:59,013 --> 00:17:02,516
Okay. So it's me,
sincerity Jane,
465
00:17:02,584 --> 00:17:05,018
and I'd just like to say
a few heartfelt words to my dad
466
00:17:05,086 --> 00:17:06,886
on his big day.
467
00:17:06,954 --> 00:17:09,055
So here we go.
468
00:17:09,123 --> 00:17:13,025
Are... you... ready to get wet?!
469
00:17:13,093 --> 00:17:15,127
Oh, my God.
She's doing it.
470
00:17:15,195 --> 00:17:16,629
She's going full Gallagher.
471
00:17:16,697 --> 00:17:18,731
Ah!
472
00:17:18,798 --> 00:17:19,898
Ha ha ha!
473
00:17:19,966 --> 00:17:21,634
Okay! Here we go!
474
00:17:21,702 --> 00:17:24,470
Stop, stop! Attention!
Attention, everybody.
475
00:17:24,538 --> 00:17:25,870
I have something to say.
476
00:17:25,938 --> 00:17:29,173
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I have an announcement to make.
477
00:17:29,242 --> 00:17:31,909
Alex Kerkovich and I
are dating again.
478
00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:34,713
That's right.
479
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:37,616
The guy she left at the altar
is back on the scene.
480
00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:40,084
But you shouldn't look at me
as a victim. No. No.
481
00:17:40,152 --> 00:17:42,319
You should only look
at the ladies that I was with
482
00:17:42,420 --> 00:17:45,389
while Alex and I were
broken up as victims...
483
00:17:45,457 --> 00:17:47,725
of good sex.
484
00:17:47,792 --> 00:17:49,660
Now I know all you have opinions
485
00:17:49,728 --> 00:17:53,130
about us getting back together,
but it doesn't matter.
486
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:55,766
Because Alex is okay with it,
487
00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:58,635
and so am I.
488
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:00,236
I'm all in.
489
00:18:00,304 --> 00:18:01,604
Aw!
490
00:18:02,939 --> 00:18:05,007
Aw!
491
00:18:05,075 --> 00:18:09,011
Riveting cameo from Dave Rose.
Oh.
492
00:18:09,079 --> 00:18:10,380
Now back to my thing.
493
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:12,214
Dad, this is for you.
494
00:18:15,017 --> 00:18:17,552
Aah!
495
00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:18,720
Oh!
496
00:18:20,089 --> 00:18:21,423
Babe?
497
00:18:21,491 --> 00:18:22,791
Are you okay?
498
00:18:22,858 --> 00:18:23,992
Hmm?
499
00:18:25,227 --> 00:18:27,028
Did he laugh?
500
00:18:32,534 --> 00:18:34,302
Honey, are you all-- are you
all right?
501
00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:35,636
I'm fine.
502
00:18:35,704 --> 00:18:39,373
That was the funniest thing.
503
00:18:46,013 --> 00:18:47,814
Knock, knock, knock.
504
00:18:47,881 --> 00:18:49,916
Hey, Pen,
you still feeling bad?
505
00:18:49,983 --> 00:18:53,286
Well, I've got something
that is just what the--
506
00:18:53,354 --> 00:18:55,355
Damn it, Pete!
507
00:18:55,423 --> 00:18:56,856
I was gonna say "just what
the doctor ordered,"
508
00:18:56,924 --> 00:18:58,124
and then you enter.
509
00:18:58,192 --> 00:18:59,459
Pete, what are you doing here?
510
00:18:59,527 --> 00:19:01,360
Penny, I, uh,
I just want--
511
00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:05,130
Look, Pen, I felt bad
that you felt bad,
512
00:19:05,198 --> 00:19:07,232
so I found Pete and I told him,
513
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,668
"don't be upset
over some stupid list.
514
00:19:09,736 --> 00:19:12,170
In fact, that means
she likes you more."
515
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:13,872
The greater the guy,
the longer the list.
516
00:19:15,174 --> 00:19:16,842
Hmm?
517
00:19:19,044 --> 00:19:20,812
What is that, Pete?
518
00:19:20,879 --> 00:19:22,580
We finish with the low five.
519
00:19:22,648 --> 00:19:24,081
Give me the list.
520
00:19:24,149 --> 00:19:25,783
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Let's go.
521
00:19:25,851 --> 00:19:28,753
Quite a looker.
Not much of a cooker, Pen.
522
00:19:28,821 --> 00:19:30,421
Oh, my gosh.
523
00:19:30,489 --> 00:19:34,290
"Max's faults,
as of November 8, 2001.
524
00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:38,695
One-- meatball sub consumption
is bordering on a medical issue.
525
00:19:38,763 --> 00:19:41,064
Two-- once during sex,
526
00:19:41,131 --> 00:19:44,067
I heard him whisper,
'this is not what I want.'"
527
00:19:44,134 --> 00:19:46,035
It was a whisper,
but it felt like a shout.
528
00:19:46,103 --> 00:19:48,572
"Three-- he has
Bea Arthur's body."
529
00:19:48,639 --> 00:19:50,205
- Well, that's-- I mean, that's--
- He really does.
530
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:53,075
And I think we've heard enough
for one day.
531
00:19:53,142 --> 00:19:54,777
I'm gonna let you
take this one home, Pete.
532
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:56,044
Thanks, Maude.
533
00:19:58,181 --> 00:19:59,849
Penny, I, um,
534
00:19:59,916 --> 00:20:02,150
I'm sorry I freaked out,
535
00:20:02,218 --> 00:20:03,652
but you're just a little weird.
536
00:20:05,521 --> 00:20:07,522
But I like
that you're a little weird.
537
00:20:07,590 --> 00:20:10,892
- Aw. - And you're right. My nipples
are a quarter inch too low.
538
00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:11,993
They just are.
539
00:20:12,060 --> 00:20:13,395
- Facts are facts.
- Yeah.
540
00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,630
Did you just say your nerps
are a quarter inch too low?
541
00:20:15,698 --> 00:20:17,331
Show him.
542
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,401
Um...
All right.
543
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:22,669
Tell me when to stop.
544
00:20:22,737 --> 00:20:24,104
Stop.
545
00:20:24,171 --> 00:20:25,205
Mm.
Mm?
546
00:20:25,273 --> 00:20:26,573
There they are.
547
00:20:26,641 --> 00:20:28,275
Whoa.
That is not a quarter inch.
548
00:20:28,342 --> 00:20:29,309
I love 'em.
549
00:20:29,377 --> 00:20:30,944
Thank you.
550
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,446
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
551
00:20:34,081 --> 00:20:35,148
Mm.
552
00:20:39,901 --> 00:20:41,201
What? No.
553
00:20:41,269 --> 00:20:44,570
Jimmy dumped Nicole?
554
00:20:44,637 --> 00:20:46,638
Why?
555
00:20:46,706 --> 00:20:48,207
Oh, come on.
That's not fair, Pen.
556
00:20:48,275 --> 00:20:49,775
She is not actually crazy.
557
00:20:49,843 --> 00:20:52,411
She's, like,
"Crazy, Stupid, Love" crazy,
558
00:20:52,479 --> 00:20:55,547
not like people who loved
"Crazy, Stupid, Love" crazy.
559
00:20:55,615 --> 00:20:59,450
I mean, she's not a psycho.
560
00:20:59,518 --> 00:21:00,952
I don't know.
561
00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:03,255
I have to agree to disagree
with you there.
562
00:21:03,322 --> 00:21:06,090
If that guy is gonna walk
around his apartment naked
563
00:21:06,157 --> 00:21:09,293
for an hour and a half
without realizing at all
564
00:21:09,361 --> 00:21:11,996
that there was anyone else
there? Pfft! Come on.
565
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:13,463
- That's on him.
- Hello, Max.
566
00:21:13,531 --> 00:21:15,766
Aah!
567
00:21:15,833 --> 00:21:17,301
Oh, my God. You're insane,
568
00:21:17,369 --> 00:21:19,770
and I love it, and I want
to party with you forever.
569
00:21:19,837 --> 00:21:21,538
Yay!
570
00:21:22,176 --> 00:21:25,687
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
571
00:21:25,737 --> 00:21:30,287
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