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1
00:00:22,095 --> 00:00:25,096
("Living in the USA "
by the Steve Miller Band)
2
00:01:02,510 --> 00:01:04,633
Brass!
3
00:01:10,142 --> 00:01:11,601
Livin' in the USA
4
00:01:11,727 --> 00:01:15,392
(male radio presenter) This is WBXT,
the voice of Fort Baxter.
5
00:01:15,564 --> 00:01:19,609
All personnel are invited to join
Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool...
6
00:01:19,735 --> 00:01:22,605
... for a demonstration
of proper spark-plug maintenance...
7
00:01:22,738 --> 00:01:28,361
... today at 0420, 0530 and 1455.
8
00:01:28,494 --> 00:01:32,787
Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455.
9
00:01:32,915 --> 00:01:34,872
- Did you win?
- Nope.
10
00:01:41,089 --> 00:01:43,248
Private Wally Holbrook
reporting for duty.
11
00:01:43,383 --> 00:01:45,175
- First assignment?
- Yes.
12
00:01:45,302 --> 00:01:48,219
- Relax. Know where you're assigned?
- Motor pool.
13
00:01:48,347 --> 00:01:50,553
- OK. Motor pool?
- Yes, I...
14
00:01:50,682 --> 00:01:53,767
- You're going straight to the colonel.
- Colonel? What'd I do?
15
00:01:55,062 --> 00:01:57,813
- How old are you, son?
- Nineteen, sir.
16
00:01:57,939 --> 00:02:00,312
Nineteen... So young.
17
00:02:00,442 --> 00:02:03,229
I'm a first-rate mechanic.
My two uncles owned a garage.
18
00:02:03,361 --> 00:02:04,690
- Got any money?
- Yes, sir.
19
00:02:04,821 --> 00:02:06,102
- Give it to me.
- But...
20
00:02:06,239 --> 00:02:08,196
It's all right.
21
00:02:12,704 --> 00:02:16,571
- My word, there must be $500 in here.
- 700. See, I worked at my uncle's...
22
00:02:16,708 --> 00:02:20,077
You're going to take $700
in cash into Bilko's barracks?
23
00:02:20,587 --> 00:02:23,707
- Yes, sir. Who, sir?
- Give me your hat, please.
24
00:02:24,591 --> 00:02:28,671
Sergeant Bilko.
Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko.
25
00:02:29,763 --> 00:02:33,096
- Well, good luck. And Godspeed.
- Thank you, sir.
26
00:02:33,224 --> 00:02:36,889
Remember, if you need anything
at all, need any help...
27
00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:40,638
...the old colonel's door is always open.
- Thank you, sir.
28
00:02:41,316 --> 00:02:44,731
- Sir?
- (whistles)
29
00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:02,575
- I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko.
- You're too late, junior, no more bets.
30
00:03:02,712 --> 00:03:06,377
- No, no, no. I'm reporting in.
- Come on, Duane! Pull!
31
00:03:06,507 --> 00:03:09,176
Dig deep, baby!
32
00:03:12,555 --> 00:03:14,512
Come on! Come on!
33
00:03:15,433 --> 00:03:17,390
Come on! Come on!
34
00:03:41,208 --> 00:03:44,209
He's got the wrong shoes!
Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes.
35
00:03:44,336 --> 00:03:47,752
He's got no traction. And this horse!
36
00:03:47,881 --> 00:03:52,342
This horse was not this lively this
morning. I want it drug tested now!
37
00:03:52,469 --> 00:03:55,803
Someone, quick.
Get a urine bottle and a mop.
38
00:04:02,187 --> 00:04:04,429
Hey! What's goin' on?
39
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:09,982
It's Private Doberman. He's the one
who looks sort of human.
40
00:04:10,112 --> 00:04:13,196
Last night in the gym, Doberman said
"I feel as strong as a horse."
41
00:04:13,323 --> 00:04:16,775
Some guy from company P overheard him
and said "Yeah? For how much?"
42
00:04:16,910 --> 00:04:20,860
It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing
unless you're prepared to back it up.
43
00:04:20,997 --> 00:04:26,122
No, no, not across the line.
Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back.
44
00:04:43,436 --> 00:04:46,188
- Are you OK, Duane?
- Sarge, I can't do this any more!
45
00:04:46,314 --> 00:04:49,315
You did your best, Duane.
What's money, anyway?
46
00:04:49,442 --> 00:04:53,440
So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up.
47
00:04:53,571 --> 00:04:55,528
(Bilko sighs)
48
00:04:56,741 --> 00:04:59,030
- Hurry up.
- Oh, so now we're on a schedule?
49
00:04:59,285 --> 00:05:02,986
- Shall we go once more?
- Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge.
50
00:05:03,122 --> 00:05:05,495
Don't worry. I won't put you
through that again.
51
00:05:05,625 --> 00:05:09,539
- He's finished. He's a loser.
- No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser.
52
00:05:09,671 --> 00:05:13,882
I oughta... Hold me back! Aah.
No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him.
53
00:05:14,008 --> 00:05:17,211
- You wanna double the bet?
- Double the bet? Ha! You're serious.
54
00:05:17,345 --> 00:05:20,381
- Sarge, no.
- What's the matter, Ernie? Scared?
55
00:05:20,515 --> 00:05:23,599
Sarge, please. That's all
the platoon's money-every cent.
56
00:05:23,726 --> 00:05:27,973
This is beyond money now. This is
a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000.
57
00:05:28,356 --> 00:05:30,348
Sucker.
58
00:05:30,483 --> 00:05:32,855
(Bilko's men) Yeah!
59
00:05:33,361 --> 00:05:35,270
Hey, you can't do that, man.
60
00:05:35,780 --> 00:05:38,068
- Ready, Duane?
- Sure, Sarge.
61
00:05:38,199 --> 00:05:40,950
See? He was just rollin' up the bet.
62
00:05:42,536 --> 00:05:44,328
He's like a god.
63
00:05:57,635 --> 00:05:59,960
Duane! Duane! Duane!
64
00:06:00,095 --> 00:06:04,841
Duane! Duane! Duane!
Duane! Duane! Duane!
65
00:06:26,914 --> 00:06:28,990
Yeah! Yeah!
66
00:06:34,630 --> 00:06:36,871
Walk him around and wipe him down.
67
00:06:38,175 --> 00:06:40,333
Not the horse! Doberman.
68
00:06:41,303 --> 00:06:44,506
Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle
is property of the US Army.
69
00:06:44,639 --> 00:06:49,301
I want it back on the post by tonight.
We have rules! Rules and regulations.
70
00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:54,519
I have your rental agreement right here.
71
00:06:54,649 --> 00:06:58,101
And if you blow anything up,
it's coming out of your deposit.
72
00:06:58,236 --> 00:07:01,107
Teenagers! So irresponsible.
73
00:07:01,239 --> 00:07:04,193
- Sarge, you said I could count the take.
- She got to count it last time.
74
00:07:04,326 --> 00:07:07,362
Will you stop fighting?
It's like I'm running a daycare centre.
75
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:11,160
Actually, that's not a bad idea.
We could keep 'em in the storeroom.
76
00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:15,454
- Luis, how many kids on the post?
- Personal dependants under five?
77
00:07:15,587 --> 00:07:18,504
- 293.
- Get me the total of their allowances.
78
00:07:18,631 --> 00:07:21,835
- Hey, in the storeroom? Kids?
- Zimmy, they won't die.
79
00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:25,004
In fact, that'll be our motto:
"They won't die."
80
00:07:25,138 --> 00:07:29,136
I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure
the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm.
81
00:07:29,267 --> 00:07:33,015
Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T,
reporting in for duty, Sergeant!
82
00:07:33,146 --> 00:07:35,138
Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror.
83
00:07:35,273 --> 00:07:37,942
First in his class,
motor-vehicle maintenance.
84
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:40,309
A real live wrench-turner
in the motor pool?
85
00:07:40,445 --> 00:07:44,988
It's so crazy, it just might work.
I'll introduce you to the boys and girls.
86
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:47,488
- (Bilko sniffs)
- What's the matter, Sarge?
87
00:07:47,618 --> 00:07:50,572
Don't you smell it? It's money.
88
00:07:53,458 --> 00:07:57,538
This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella.
You'll see them about dances, raffles.
89
00:07:57,670 --> 00:08:00,375
You'll get your tickets
through them. They run the shop.
90
00:08:00,506 --> 00:08:04,456
So if you need stationery, magazines...
But not magazine subscriptions.
91
00:08:04,594 --> 00:08:06,253
See Morales about that. Towels...
92
00:08:06,387 --> 00:08:10,467
- Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels?
- Army? Get him a set of towels.
93
00:08:10,599 --> 00:08:14,051
The fluffy ones.
The introductory price. Come on.
94
00:08:14,353 --> 00:08:16,725
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
95
00:08:18,232 --> 00:08:21,648
This is Dino Paparelli.
You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry.
96
00:08:21,777 --> 00:08:24,149
You're gonna love
this scrappy little Italian.
97
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,234
- Hiya.
- Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple:
98
00:08:27,408 --> 00:08:29,863
..."An indictment is not a conviction."
- Damn straight.
99
00:08:29,994 --> 00:08:32,745
That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman.
100
00:08:32,871 --> 00:08:36,371
Tragically, Zimmerman was born
without a personality.
101
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,706
- Hello.
- Luis Clemente.
102
00:08:38,961 --> 00:08:41,630
This guy is smart, very smart.
He has an IQ.
103
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:44,626
- Hello.
- See what I mean?
104
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,545
Tony Morales. The only thing
you need to know about him...
105
00:08:47,678 --> 00:08:50,632
...is he doesn't take showers
because it fogs up the mirror.
106
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:55,640
Finally, the man of the hour, the master
of disaster, the king of the universe -
107
00:08:55,769 --> 00:09:00,396
...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone -
Private Duane Doberman!
108
00:09:00,524 --> 00:09:01,603
Aw, Sarge.
109
00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:06,691
Doberman doesn't take showers either,
but for a much more frightening reason.
110
00:09:07,656 --> 00:09:10,361
My orders, Sergeant.
111
00:09:10,492 --> 00:09:13,695
Everything seems to be in order.
Henshaw will take your bags.
112
00:09:13,829 --> 00:09:15,786
Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence?
113
00:09:15,914 --> 00:09:18,239
- A driver's licence?
- We can make one up.
114
00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:21,957
- Henshaw, get the camera!
- No, no. I have a licence. It's right here.
115
00:09:22,087 --> 00:09:24,459
My wallet.
116
00:09:24,589 --> 00:09:28,005
Oh, here it is. Empty.
It's in your hat, isn't it?
117
00:09:28,552 --> 00:09:35,053
Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six...
no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good.
118
00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:38,216
Well, you can start with this.
The colonel's car.
119
00:09:38,353 --> 00:09:40,974
- OK, what's wrong with it?
- It's the odometer.
120
00:09:41,106 --> 00:09:44,640
It says 12,000 miles,
and it should say 11,000 miles.
121
00:09:44,776 --> 00:09:48,476
Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe
to go to his grandmother's funeral.
122
00:09:48,613 --> 00:09:51,069
- I'm sorry.
- When I say that...
123
00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:56,483
...I mean "visit his niece". And
when I say "niece", I mean lady friend?
124
00:09:57,455 --> 00:10:00,622
Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.
125
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:04,119
- You want me to turn that back?
- (gasps) Yes.
126
00:10:04,462 --> 00:10:07,997
- I can't do that, Sergeant.
- "Can't"! He said "can't"!
127
00:10:08,132 --> 00:10:10,339
Sarge, are you all right?
128
00:10:10,468 --> 00:10:13,718
Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word
in this platoon.
129
00:10:13,846 --> 00:10:16,420
I cannot violate regulations,
unless it's an order...
130
00:10:16,557 --> 00:10:20,685
...in which case I would have to ask
Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order.
131
00:10:20,812 --> 00:10:24,145
I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour.
We're all like family here.
132
00:10:24,273 --> 00:10:26,349
Any one of these men
would take a bullet for you.
133
00:10:26,484 --> 00:10:30,481
- Well, not in the chest.
- No, not in the chest, but in the thigh.
134
00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:35,156
- Permission to speak freely?
- What, are we in Russia? Say anything.
135
00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:37,775
You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom.
136
00:10:37,912 --> 00:10:43,202
And frankly, I don't think there's a man
here taking his service oath seriously.
137
00:10:43,334 --> 00:10:46,085
You know what? I'm gonna kill him.
138
00:10:46,212 --> 00:10:47,587
Fender!
139
00:10:52,676 --> 00:10:55,843
Now, this is the stuff
they should be teaching in the army.
140
00:10:55,971 --> 00:10:58,593
- They are.
- No kidding?
141
00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:06,642
Here's a mouldy oldie
for all our friends in the motor pool.
142
00:11:09,026 --> 00:11:11,065
("No Particular Place to Go"
by Chuck Berry)
143
00:11:11,195 --> 00:11:14,611
Ridin' along in my automobile
144
00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,147
My baby beside me at the wheel
145
00:11:18,494 --> 00:11:20,570
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
146
00:11:20,996 --> 00:11:22,111
Brass!
147
00:11:22,247 --> 00:11:25,782
My curiosity runnin' wild
148
00:11:25,918 --> 00:11:29,452
Cruisin' and playin' the radio
149
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:32,873
With no particular place to go
150
00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:35,879
Ridin' along in my automobile
151
00:11:37,054 --> 00:11:39,379
I was anxious to tell her the way I feel
152
00:11:40,724 --> 00:11:43,476
So I told her softly and sincere
153
00:11:44,436 --> 00:11:47,223
And she leaned and whispered in my ear
154
00:11:48,315 --> 00:11:51,269
Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow
155
00:11:52,110 --> 00:11:53,189
With no particular place to go
156
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,735
- Sarge, where can we hide the horse?
- What horse?
157
00:12:01,494 --> 00:12:04,910
All right, men! Faster.
The army needs these vehicles.
158
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,917
Bilko?
159
00:12:13,882 --> 00:12:15,625
Sergeant.
160
00:12:15,758 --> 00:12:17,668
Sergeant Bilko!
161
00:12:17,802 --> 00:12:21,551
Fall in, men, now! And get
into a semicircle or a rectangle, now!
162
00:12:21,681 --> 00:12:23,638
Hut! Hey!
163
00:12:33,985 --> 00:12:36,606
Very good. As you were.
164
00:12:37,488 --> 00:12:39,362
He means go back to
what you were doing.
165
00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:42,906
Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir.
Have you lost weight?
166
00:12:43,035 --> 00:12:45,324
Why, a couple of pounds maybe.
167
00:12:45,997 --> 00:12:47,954
Nell and I have been
"sweating to the oldies".
168
00:12:48,082 --> 00:12:51,332
- Ah.
- Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car.
169
00:12:51,460 --> 00:12:54,082
Ah, well, I'm afraid
we're still working on it, sir.
170
00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:57,962
- You've had it a week and a half.
- I thought I saw it on Interstate 30.
171
00:12:58,092 --> 00:13:01,259
There. Thank God I have a witness.
Thank you, Captain Moon.
172
00:13:01,387 --> 00:13:04,222
And the colonel thinks
I never test-drive the vehicles.
173
00:13:04,348 --> 00:13:06,341
What is that?
174
00:13:06,475 --> 00:13:09,761
That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men
"You have to test-drive..."
175
00:13:09,895 --> 00:13:12,600
- What's it doing there?
- It keeps the flies off the food.
176
00:13:12,731 --> 00:13:15,519
There's no way you can tell
what's wrong with an engine...
177
00:13:15,651 --> 00:13:17,608
- Off the food?
- It's an experiment.
178
00:13:17,736 --> 00:13:19,729
I'd say the results are mixed.
179
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,825
It's a lot cheaper than
sending out for it, sir.
180
00:13:28,956 --> 00:13:31,162
And fresher too.
181
00:13:31,291 --> 00:13:33,865
Bilko, are you mental?
This is not the horse cavalry.
182
00:13:34,002 --> 00:13:37,288
- You can't bring livestock onto the post.
- You're right, sir.
183
00:13:37,423 --> 00:13:41,088
You heard the colonel. Assemble horse
platoon and get the horse out of here!
184
00:13:41,218 --> 00:13:45,761
- All right, double-time, soldier.
- Sergeant, please, tell me about my car.
185
00:13:46,723 --> 00:13:48,882
- Do you know anything about cars, sir?
- No.
186
00:13:49,017 --> 00:13:53,513
Ah. Well, you see that
sort of pointy thing right there?
187
00:13:53,647 --> 00:13:57,894
It seems that it's impinging on the
browned, round thing with the spots.
188
00:13:58,026 --> 00:14:01,478
- You see, when Henry Ford first...
- Colonel Hall.
189
00:14:02,531 --> 00:14:05,318
- Corporal, what is it?
- Permission to speak privately?
190
00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:07,739
- Of course. Excuse me, Bilko.
- Absolutely.
191
00:14:07,869 --> 00:14:10,407
- What is it, Corporal?
- The Pentagon called.
192
00:14:10,539 --> 00:14:13,493
The Pentagon?
How did they get my number?
193
00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:17,409
They're sending a team
to observe tomorrow's hovertank test.
194
00:14:17,587 --> 00:14:22,878
- Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah.
- What is it, sir?
195
00:14:23,009 --> 00:14:26,176
Well, they're closing
a lot of military facilities lately.
196
00:14:26,304 --> 00:14:28,593
What if they're planning
to close Fort Baxter?
197
00:14:28,723 --> 00:14:31,558
- Do you know anything about this?
- You flatter me.
198
00:14:31,685 --> 00:14:36,643
- How could l, a mere master sergeant...?
- You know everything before I do.
199
00:14:36,773 --> 00:14:41,316
I'm sure it's just routine, sir.
Anyway, come back any time. Call first.
200
00:14:41,903 --> 00:14:45,568
I tell you, men, serving under
a great leader like Colonel Hall...
201
00:14:45,698 --> 00:14:47,490
- He's gone.
- I'm hungry. What time is it?
202
00:14:47,617 --> 00:14:49,656
12 o'clock. We ordered Chinese.
203
00:14:49,911 --> 00:14:53,529
- Pentagon brass, Sarge? I don't like it.
- Relax. It's just army stuff.
204
00:14:53,665 --> 00:14:55,823
It's got nothing to do with us.
205
00:14:56,501 --> 00:14:58,789
- Did you say 12 o'clock?
- Yeah.
206
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,208
- Today's Saturday?
- All day.
207
00:15:01,339 --> 00:15:06,843
Saturday at noon. I have a strange feeling
I'm supposed to be somewhere.
208
00:15:08,763 --> 00:15:09,925
Hmm.
209
00:15:10,056 --> 00:15:12,013
(organ plays)
210
00:15:12,141 --> 00:15:14,098
I'll kill him.
211
00:15:22,944 --> 00:15:25,316
- Poker game?
- No, no.
212
00:15:25,738 --> 00:15:29,237
- Racetrack.
- No, no. It was something else.
213
00:15:31,869 --> 00:15:33,862
(sighs)
214
00:15:33,996 --> 00:15:36,617
My, that's a lovely dress.
215
00:15:36,749 --> 00:15:38,991
- Thank you, Reverend.
- Is it new?
216
00:15:39,126 --> 00:15:42,827
No, I wore it the last time
the lying shit-heel stood me up.
217
00:15:42,963 --> 00:15:44,126
Ah.
218
00:15:44,256 --> 00:15:46,213
(brakes screech)
219
00:15:59,438 --> 00:16:00,718
(horn blares)
220
00:16:06,403 --> 00:16:08,977
Give me the ring.
You were the best man last time.
221
00:16:09,114 --> 00:16:12,068
- He didn't get married last time!
- It's my turn!
222
00:16:12,201 --> 00:16:15,949
- How you gonna be best man?
- Just give me the ring!
223
00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:22,991
- But you can't hate him, you know?
- I can hate him. I hate him right now.
224
00:16:23,128 --> 00:16:25,085
Sweetheart...
225
00:16:26,298 --> 00:16:28,967
Where are you going? Nobody leave.
226
00:16:29,092 --> 00:16:34,335
You came to see me get married. You're
going to - I don't particularly care who to.
227
00:16:36,099 --> 00:16:38,056
Sweetheart! I know you're upset...
228
00:16:38,185 --> 00:16:40,972
Daddy, stay out of this.
I know what I'm doing.
229
00:16:41,897 --> 00:16:43,391
- Nelson.
- Huh?
230
00:16:43,523 --> 00:16:46,477
Are you busy? Will you
marry me? I love you.
231
00:16:46,610 --> 00:16:48,982
I just never realised it until now.
232
00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:54,775
Well, the thing is, Rita,
I'm engaged... to your sister.
233
00:16:56,036 --> 00:16:57,993
And?
234
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,791
(bell tolls)
235
00:17:12,594 --> 00:17:15,167
Don't ask. Don't even ask.
236
00:17:17,765 --> 00:17:19,343
OK, ask.
237
00:17:19,684 --> 00:17:22,056
Bunny face,
you won't believe what happened.
238
00:17:22,186 --> 00:17:27,429
There was this busload of sweet geriatrics.
They went rolling down a mountain side...
239
00:17:27,567 --> 00:17:29,606
Do you think I'm an idiot?
240
00:17:30,069 --> 00:17:35,064
Ask Wally. He's new, a real straight arrow,
never told a lie in his life. Wally?
241
00:17:36,951 --> 00:17:38,659
See?
242
00:17:38,786 --> 00:17:41,075
Sweetheart, sweetheart...
243
00:17:41,205 --> 00:17:43,743
Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting!
244
00:17:43,875 --> 00:17:48,168
- You know, it's... Ooh! Bad turnout.
- It was full an hour ago.
245
00:17:48,296 --> 00:17:51,581
Oh, sweetie, I... (gasps) I'm well!
246
00:17:52,258 --> 00:17:54,381
Sweetie, what can I do
to make it up to you?
247
00:17:54,510 --> 00:17:56,752
Whaddaya want? Just tell me.
I'll do anything.
248
00:17:56,887 --> 00:17:59,046
I've been waiting for seven years.
249
00:17:59,306 --> 00:18:03,684
What do I want? I want my seven years
back. I can't live like this, Ernie.
250
00:18:03,894 --> 00:18:06,646
I've got a maid of honour
on call 24 hours a day.
251
00:18:06,772 --> 00:18:11,101
And I'm the only woman with a wedding
dress that's falling apart from wear.
252
00:18:11,861 --> 00:18:14,897
- I'm sorry.
- I think you love me, Ernie.
253
00:18:15,030 --> 00:18:19,158
But you're so slippery, it's impossible
to know what you're thinking.
254
00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:21,194
Well, thank you.
255
00:18:21,328 --> 00:18:24,744
I don't understand
what you're so afraid of.
256
00:18:24,873 --> 00:18:27,578
You know what I wanna do
right here, right now?
257
00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:29,667
No. Don't.
258
00:18:32,714 --> 00:18:35,205
No. No, not this time.
259
00:18:36,093 --> 00:18:38,844
- Don't, please.
- One game, to 500.
260
00:18:40,430 --> 00:18:42,886
Don't. Please don't.
261
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:46,092
Spade. It's a double.
262
00:18:47,646 --> 00:18:49,769
Triple boxes, to 500. Penny a point.
263
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:53,062
- A four?
- Yes.
264
00:18:54,277 --> 00:18:57,362
Oh, two. Yeah. Come on. Here. Go, go, go.
265
00:19:06,289 --> 00:19:08,246
What's up?
266
00:19:09,167 --> 00:19:13,663
Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally
while you and Rita were in the church.
267
00:19:13,797 --> 00:19:16,466
She's a nice girl.
We don't like the way you treat her.
268
00:19:16,591 --> 00:19:19,047
He's right, Sarge.
You treat her like a rube.
269
00:19:19,177 --> 00:19:22,380
- Wouldn't you be happier in the navy?
- You jilted that girl.
270
00:19:22,514 --> 00:19:24,802
She'll probably have to
move to another town.
271
00:19:24,933 --> 00:19:27,637
Will you relax? Rita and I
have a special relationship.
272
00:19:27,769 --> 00:19:30,805
You think she expected me
to marry her today? Of course not.
273
00:19:30,939 --> 00:19:33,726
She expected me to do
just what I did. It's a game.
274
00:19:33,983 --> 00:19:36,355
Someday you might lose that game, Ernie.
275
00:19:59,092 --> 00:20:01,927
Very good, men. Make sure it's tight.
276
00:20:02,428 --> 00:20:05,097
- Tight?
- Whatever.
277
00:20:05,223 --> 00:20:08,342
So, Major Ebersole,
tomorrow's the big day.
278
00:20:08,476 --> 00:20:11,975
- How's she look?
- I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir.
279
00:20:12,396 --> 00:20:14,104
What's supposed to happen?
280
00:20:14,231 --> 00:20:17,850
Well, theoretically,
and I wouldn't bet the farm...
281
00:20:18,569 --> 00:20:23,908
...the hovertank will lift off and hover
several inches above the pond.
282
00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:27,947
- Good. Very good.
- Yeah. Then it will engage the targets...
283
00:20:28,078 --> 00:20:31,697
...the... the cannon. Boom.
The ammunition dump. Kaboom.
284
00:20:31,832 --> 00:20:34,074
That truck. Boom.
285
00:20:34,210 --> 00:20:38,338
Excellent. One thought.
Maybe it should be: boom, boom...
286
00:20:38,464 --> 00:20:40,255
... then kaboom.
287
00:20:41,467 --> 00:20:45,678
You know, save that "kaboom" for the very
last? Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale.
288
00:20:45,804 --> 00:20:47,714
What do you think?
289
00:20:49,391 --> 00:20:52,226
- I'll make a note of it, sir.
- Good.
290
00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:56,933
- Missed me. Now run!
- Ow!
291
00:20:57,065 --> 00:20:59,556
- Yeah. Gotcha.
- Hey, there goes the sarge, man.
292
00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,650
Sarge!
293
00:21:02,029 --> 00:21:05,398
- Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go.
- Sarge, you get married yet?
294
00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:08,652
- Not yet.
- How did Rita take it this time?
295
00:21:08,785 --> 00:21:10,944
Oh, she's happy. She took
40 bucks off me in a gin game.
296
00:21:11,079 --> 00:21:12,324
Oh, she's great!
297
00:21:12,456 --> 00:21:15,955
Paparelli. How's tickets goin' for the
"Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue?
298
00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:18,124
- It's a sellout, Sarge.
- Find a lookalike?
299
00:21:18,253 --> 00:21:20,044
- We found one.
- Ahh.
300
00:21:20,172 --> 00:21:23,256
No wonder they call me
a master sergeant.
301
00:21:24,092 --> 00:21:26,334
You know, things weren't
always this good.
302
00:21:26,470 --> 00:21:30,716
When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix,
I considered it my responsibility...
303
00:21:30,849 --> 00:21:35,641
...to provide the hardworking men and
women with some wholesome recreation.
304
00:21:36,938 --> 00:21:40,188
- You ran the gambling.
- That's right, Fender.
305
00:21:40,317 --> 00:21:44,610
But there was this lieutenant there -
Lieutenant Colin Thorn.
306
00:21:46,531 --> 00:21:51,691
A lunatic. I mean, real smooth on
the outside, but underneath, barbed wire.
307
00:21:51,828 --> 00:21:53,737
He rode me like a jockey.
308
00:21:53,872 --> 00:21:56,742
Pools, raffles, card games -
I couldn't do anything.
309
00:21:56,875 --> 00:21:59,282
It was like being in the army.
310
00:22:00,336 --> 00:22:03,123
(Bilko) All right, come on, baby. Let's go!
311
00:22:06,217 --> 00:22:07,296
Hi.
312
00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,343
Finally, I got a break. They held
the division boxing finals at our post.
313
00:22:11,472 --> 00:22:14,343
You couldn't stop people
from betting on it.
314
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:18,184
It was a toss-up.
Now, to me, that's just sloppy.
315
00:22:18,354 --> 00:22:22,767
I like a sporting event in which I know the
outcome beforehand. It's more organised.
316
00:22:25,403 --> 00:22:27,360
(bike bell rings)
317
00:22:30,283 --> 00:22:33,699
I get to one of the pugilists
and we reach a business accommodation.
318
00:22:33,828 --> 00:22:35,785
For a 50-50 split of our winnings...
319
00:22:35,913 --> 00:22:39,448
... he agrees to give less than
a supreme effort in the squared circle.
320
00:22:39,583 --> 00:22:43,035
- (Rocky) You paid him to take a dive.
- (Bilko) 0f course.
321
00:22:44,714 --> 00:22:47,631
I had this corporal
working for me - Leo Cletz.
322
00:22:58,394 --> 00:23:01,478
The night of the fight, I give him
the money to pay off my fighter.
323
00:23:01,605 --> 00:23:05,354
Leo misunderstands and gives
the money to the other fighter.
324
00:23:07,987 --> 00:23:12,814
This fighter's surprised, but figures "What
the heck? It's a good price. I'll go down. "
325
00:23:12,950 --> 00:23:16,283
Meanwhile, my guy figures
"Bilko meant I'll get the money later."
326
00:23:16,412 --> 00:23:20,112
- "No problem. I'll go down anyway."
- So both think they're takin' a dive?
327
00:23:20,249 --> 00:23:22,787
- Exactly.
- What happened?
328
00:23:22,918 --> 00:23:23,949
Boxing history.
329
00:23:48,819 --> 00:23:52,899
For three rounds, nobody hit anybody.
It was a dance recital.
330
00:24:10,465 --> 00:24:15,293
Finally, I think out of boredom,
one of the guys connected with a right.
331
00:24:18,973 --> 00:24:21,096
What the hell's goin' on here?
332
00:24:23,103 --> 00:24:25,890
Lieutenant Thorn took it
as a personal insult.
333
00:24:26,022 --> 00:24:29,058
- You OK? Did it hurt?
- Very cute.
334
00:24:38,117 --> 00:24:41,237
It looked like Thorn
was paying off the fighter.
335
00:24:42,038 --> 00:24:43,662
He was cooked.
336
00:24:43,790 --> 00:24:48,083
They didn't have enough evidence for
a court martial, but sent him to Greenland.
337
00:24:53,758 --> 00:24:56,759
Game, set and match - Bilko.
338
00:24:57,803 --> 00:25:00,211
- Some story, huh?
- Permission to speak freely?
339
00:25:00,348 --> 00:25:04,345
- Again, permission. OK.
- You dealt with him very dishonestly.
340
00:25:04,685 --> 00:25:07,010
Never mind that.
What happened to him? Thorn.
341
00:25:07,355 --> 00:25:10,889
I don't know. I don't know
what happened to him.
342
00:25:28,959 --> 00:25:34,036
Colonel John Hall, garrison commander.
Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major.
343
00:25:38,927 --> 00:25:40,671
(bugle plays reveille)
344
00:25:49,313 --> 00:25:51,270
(snoring)
345
00:25:59,448 --> 00:26:01,654
Doberman! Wake up!
346
00:26:01,783 --> 00:26:03,741
(coughs and snorts)
347
00:26:10,667 --> 00:26:12,624
(bugle repeats reveille)
348
00:26:14,546 --> 00:26:16,503
(snoring)
349
00:26:37,402 --> 00:26:39,691
Come on, everyone!
Up and at 'em!
350
00:26:40,155 --> 00:26:42,147
(all groan)
351
00:26:42,282 --> 00:26:45,817
Come on, guys, let's not miss
one minute of this beautiful day.
352
00:26:45,952 --> 00:26:47,446
Hey!
353
00:26:48,705 --> 00:26:51,908
- Get outta here!
- I'll get the sarge!
354
00:26:52,041 --> 00:26:54,283
That's it. Now you guys
gonna be in trouble.
355
00:26:54,752 --> 00:26:56,710
(reveille)
356
00:27:02,594 --> 00:27:04,586
- Hey, Sarge! Get up.
- What's the matter?
357
00:27:04,721 --> 00:27:09,217
Everybody take cover! Gather all the men!
Man the battle stations and...
358
00:27:10,643 --> 00:27:12,137
What's that music?
359
00:27:24,657 --> 00:27:28,489
I understand, Major, this weapon system
is in the experimental stage.
360
00:27:28,619 --> 00:27:32,154
But I think you'll be very impressed
with the... noise it produces.
361
00:27:32,290 --> 00:27:35,125
It's a powerful piece of equipment.
362
00:27:35,251 --> 00:27:38,786
Colonel, I really urge you
not to go ahead with this.
363
00:27:38,921 --> 00:27:41,756
Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn.
364
00:27:41,882 --> 00:27:44,753
Major Ebersole is the brain
behind the hovertank.
365
00:27:44,885 --> 00:27:47,092
He's the one really responsible.
366
00:27:48,889 --> 00:27:51,214
- Thank you, sir.
- Can we get on with this?
367
00:27:51,350 --> 00:27:53,722
Of course. You good to go?
368
00:27:53,853 --> 00:27:56,225
All right. Let's light this candle.
369
00:27:57,398 --> 00:27:59,355
Hoo-ah!
370
00:28:00,192 --> 00:28:05,946
You know, with all the base closings and
downsizing, people here have been jumpy.
371
00:28:06,073 --> 00:28:08,030
Ready, Colonel.
372
00:28:08,534 --> 00:28:10,906
(Hall) This is exciting.
373
00:28:22,798 --> 00:28:25,087
OK, start her up.
374
00:28:33,308 --> 00:28:35,265
(rattling)
375
00:28:44,903 --> 00:28:46,812
It still needs work.
376
00:29:06,549 --> 00:29:08,257
Fire.
377
00:29:13,264 --> 00:29:15,257
Of course.
378
00:29:17,393 --> 00:29:19,267
Get out! Watch out!
379
00:29:49,592 --> 00:29:53,340
Let's go, campers! It's 10am.
Time to start the day.
380
00:29:55,848 --> 00:29:58,173
- Mornin', Sarge.
- It's that time of the decade.
381
00:29:58,309 --> 00:30:00,218
- You're taking a shower.
- Do I have to?
382
00:30:00,353 --> 00:30:04,481
Everyone feels pretty strongly about it.
Here's the petition.
383
00:30:05,608 --> 00:30:07,684
Aw, Sarge.
384
00:30:10,112 --> 00:30:12,899
Why are you sitting there?
You were full of energy at 6am.
385
00:30:13,032 --> 00:30:14,905
I don't think the guys like me.
386
00:30:15,034 --> 00:30:18,403
- Oh? What makes you say that?
- They wrote me a note.
387
00:30:18,537 --> 00:30:21,622
"Wally, we don't like you."
And they all signed it.
388
00:30:24,376 --> 00:30:28,125
- Yeah, that's Doberman's "X".
- Can I please have another roommate?
389
00:30:28,255 --> 00:30:30,212
- Why, what's the matter?
- He wet his bed.
390
00:30:30,341 --> 00:30:34,006
- Oh, well, once in a while.
- No. He did it from across the room.
391
00:30:37,556 --> 00:30:40,343
Major, please! At least
won't you stay for lunch?
392
00:30:40,476 --> 00:30:42,931
- Do you like chicken casserole?
- No.
393
00:30:43,061 --> 00:30:45,517
Well, Major, let me be frank.
394
00:30:45,647 --> 00:30:49,182
A negative report from you would be
the death knell for Fort Baxter.
395
00:30:49,318 --> 00:30:52,734
- We've been in a slump...
- Nine years without a successful test?
396
00:30:52,863 --> 00:30:55,069
That's not a slump, that's a tradition.
397
00:30:55,198 --> 00:30:59,243
But, Major, think for a minute
about the men, their careers.
398
00:30:59,369 --> 00:31:02,074
- My career.
- Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt.
399
00:31:02,205 --> 00:31:04,957
This isn't the career
I had in mind when I got out of OCS.
400
00:31:05,083 --> 00:31:07,788
Shining a seat with my ass in DC,
visiting dumpy posts.
401
00:31:07,919 --> 00:31:10,410
I thought I'd be a colonel by now
or maybe a general.
402
00:31:10,547 --> 00:31:14,592
Sorry. What I saw today was a dust cloud
that cost $70 million. Good morning.
403
00:31:14,718 --> 00:31:19,344
Wait! There's a lot more to
Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major.
404
00:31:19,472 --> 00:31:22,509
- We have an award-winning commissary.
- Try the casserole.
405
00:31:22,642 --> 00:31:24,967
And our softball team won
the division title.
406
00:31:25,103 --> 00:31:27,855
And Sergeant Bilko's platoon
is in the glee club finals.
407
00:31:27,981 --> 00:31:30,139
I'll certainly keep that in mind.
408
00:31:38,783 --> 00:31:40,657
Did you say Bilko?
409
00:31:41,995 --> 00:31:43,868
Yeah.
410
00:31:43,997 --> 00:31:46,238
Is that Ernie Bilko?
411
00:31:47,375 --> 00:31:49,533
One and the same.
412
00:31:50,503 --> 00:31:52,579
Maybe I will stay for lunch.
413
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,296
Well, hoo-ah! Ignite that
chicken casserole, Captain Moon!
414
00:31:56,426 --> 00:31:58,299
Yes, sir!
415
00:32:12,525 --> 00:32:14,932
Now, where did that one go?
416
00:32:29,041 --> 00:32:31,959
- Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge!
- Well, fix it.
417
00:32:32,086 --> 00:32:35,087
- Sarge, they let you do this?
- I never asked. They'd say no.
418
00:32:35,214 --> 00:32:36,673
It is an army post.
419
00:32:36,799 --> 00:32:38,756
(dog barking)
420
00:32:44,390 --> 00:32:47,426
All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot.
421
00:32:47,643 --> 00:32:51,094
- $20 says I can hit the parking lot.
- I don't gamble.
422
00:32:51,855 --> 00:32:54,181
- What is it you do do?
- Permission to speak...
423
00:32:54,316 --> 00:32:55,976
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
424
00:32:56,110 --> 00:32:59,810
I get up every morning and I get dressed
to protect the American way of life.
425
00:32:59,947 --> 00:33:04,075
Would you tell me that later tonight
so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
426
00:33:04,201 --> 00:33:06,028
(Thorn) Bilko!
427
00:33:06,161 --> 00:33:07,739
(whispers) It can't be.
428
00:33:08,789 --> 00:33:11,031
Lieutenant Thorn.
429
00:33:11,500 --> 00:33:15,794
- Actually, it's Major Thorn now.
- Well, congratulations.
430
00:33:17,506 --> 00:33:21,456
I didn't know you were still in the service.
I'd have looked you up long ago.
431
00:33:21,593 --> 00:33:22,507
I'll bet.
432
00:33:22,636 --> 00:33:26,680
Tell me, Colonel, is he still
the same rascal he was at Fort Dix?
433
00:33:26,807 --> 00:33:29,677
- That's one way of putting it.
- You changed my life.
434
00:33:29,810 --> 00:33:32,383
Remember that little boxing match?
435
00:33:32,729 --> 00:33:34,722
Boxing match... Hmm.
436
00:33:34,856 --> 00:33:38,854
That made me a new man. You remember
how stiff and uptight I used to be?
437
00:33:38,985 --> 00:33:41,903
Thanks to him, I realised
you can't treat people that way.
438
00:33:42,030 --> 00:33:44,486
I'm a better man for it. Thanks, Ernie.
439
00:33:44,616 --> 00:33:46,194
- Sure.
- (dogs barking)
440
00:33:48,036 --> 00:33:49,779
- What was that?
- Greyhounds, sir.
441
00:33:49,913 --> 00:33:52,486
- How long will you be with us, Major?
- Not long.
442
00:33:52,624 --> 00:33:55,115
Colonel, what do you say
we have that casserole?
443
00:33:55,251 --> 00:33:58,122
Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well.
444
00:33:58,254 --> 00:34:00,212
Ha.
445
00:34:01,966 --> 00:34:07,008
Let's get back to the barracks and cancel
everything-dances, raffles, everything.
446
00:34:29,660 --> 00:34:31,819
God, I forgot it's the play-offs!
447
00:34:33,581 --> 00:34:36,154
Sarge! Here's the money
from the blade rentals.
448
00:34:36,292 --> 00:34:39,910
Stop, stop! Put that away!
Stop, everyone! Stop!
449
00:34:40,421 --> 00:34:43,956
Ridin' along in my automobile
450
00:34:44,091 --> 00:34:46,380
My baby beside me at the wheel
451
00:34:47,720 --> 00:34:50,555
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
452
00:34:51,349 --> 00:34:54,634
It's Hall with Major Thorn.
Looks like a surprise inspection.
453
00:34:54,769 --> 00:34:58,766
An inspection? Now? Look at this place!
454
00:34:58,898 --> 00:35:01,270
- ETA, 90 seconds.
- (Bilko) Think. Think.
455
00:35:01,567 --> 00:35:04,105
I've got to think. Where's Alpha company?
456
00:35:04,236 --> 00:35:06,229
Field exercises.
457
00:35:06,363 --> 00:35:08,439
So we parked way out on the Kokomo
458
00:35:10,201 --> 00:35:13,036
The night was young
and the moon was gold
459
00:35:13,621 --> 00:35:16,159
So we both decided to take a stroll
460
00:35:17,791 --> 00:35:19,867
Can you imagine the way I felt?
461
00:35:21,295 --> 00:35:23,833
I couldn't unfasten her safety belt
462
00:35:25,007 --> 00:35:27,712
Cruisin' and playin' the radio
463
00:35:28,677 --> 00:35:31,548
With no particular place to go
464
00:35:41,356 --> 00:35:44,690
Um, which way are we...
465
00:35:45,235 --> 00:35:47,062
...facing here?
466
00:35:47,195 --> 00:35:52,486
Uh, well... it would
have to be this one here.
467
00:35:53,368 --> 00:35:56,820
Over hill, over dale
we have hit the dusty trail
468
00:35:56,955 --> 00:36:00,454
As those caissons go rolling along
469
00:36:00,584 --> 00:36:04,284
And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery
470
00:36:04,629 --> 00:36:06,586
(Hall) Bilko.
471
00:36:07,048 --> 00:36:09,337
Ten-hut, platoon!
472
00:36:12,596 --> 00:36:15,466
- Major Thorn wants to see the barracks.
- An inspection?
473
00:36:15,599 --> 00:36:18,268
I wish we had a little more time.
We're not prepared.
474
00:36:18,393 --> 00:36:22,260
It just gives me a thrill to see what a
first-rate top kick can do with a platoon.
475
00:36:22,397 --> 00:36:25,433
- Why don't they stand by their rooms?
- Certainly. Sergeant?
476
00:36:25,567 --> 00:36:29,315
Really, sir, if the glee club misses
practice, I won't be responsible...
477
00:36:29,446 --> 00:36:34,950
- I said now!
- Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
478
00:36:41,124 --> 00:36:43,200
- Is this your room, soldier?
- Yes, sir.
479
00:36:43,334 --> 00:36:45,872
Follow me.
480
00:36:55,054 --> 00:36:57,011
Who's this?
481
00:36:58,474 --> 00:37:03,101
It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir:
The African-American Hour.
482
00:37:03,229 --> 00:37:05,305
Oh? I've never heard of it.
483
00:37:05,439 --> 00:37:10,018
It's on cable. See, it's funny,
but it also makes you think.
484
00:37:11,821 --> 00:37:13,363
Ah. Hm.
485
00:37:39,765 --> 00:37:41,722
(toy squeaks)
486
00:37:50,317 --> 00:37:52,440
Are these yours?
487
00:37:52,986 --> 00:37:58,063
It is my understanding that you can
no longer ask me these questions, sir.
488
00:37:59,493 --> 00:38:01,735
It's a new army, Major.
489
00:38:01,870 --> 00:38:03,946
We're all adjusting.
490
00:38:13,882 --> 00:38:15,839
(sniffs)
491
00:38:19,513 --> 00:38:21,137
- Whose bunk is this?
- Uh, mine, sir.
492
00:38:21,264 --> 00:38:25,214
- That corner is not squared off!
- What? I told you to make this bunk!
493
00:38:25,352 --> 00:38:29,563
Now, I don't want any of your excuses!
Now, drop and give me 20! Ha!
494
00:38:32,567 --> 00:38:34,061
(grunts)
495
00:38:34,194 --> 00:38:36,899
All right. One. We're going for one.
496
00:38:37,822 --> 00:38:39,981
Colonel, you're a very courageous man.
497
00:38:40,116 --> 00:38:42,786
Oh! I saw a little combat duty in Kor...
498
00:38:43,411 --> 00:38:45,368
Courageous? What do you mean?
499
00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:49,031
Thumbing your nose at army regulations.
But I guess your men come first.
500
00:38:49,167 --> 00:38:51,836
- And 20.
- My men? First?
501
00:38:52,545 --> 00:38:55,630
- What does he mean, Bilko?
- This soldier, sir.
502
00:38:55,757 --> 00:38:59,422
I'd say he's about 50 pounds
over his maximum allowable weight.
503
00:38:59,552 --> 00:39:03,336
What are the chances of that being
discovered and your being blamed?
504
00:39:03,473 --> 00:39:05,216
Blamed?
505
00:39:05,350 --> 00:39:08,267
Sergeant, I want him
at regulation weight in six weeks.
506
00:39:08,394 --> 00:39:09,889
Yes, sir!
507
00:39:25,703 --> 00:39:28,787
Adelaide, of course
we'll get married, sooner or later.
508
00:39:28,915 --> 00:39:32,959
Nathan Detroit, after 14 years,
it is already too late to be sooner.
509
00:39:33,461 --> 00:39:37,624
I'm from Rhode Island, where people
do not remain engaged for 14 years.
510
00:39:38,007 --> 00:39:41,376
- They get married.
- Then why is it such a small state?
511
00:39:42,803 --> 00:39:45,425
Miss Robbins. I don't get it.
512
00:39:45,556 --> 00:39:49,933
Why would Adelaide stick around if he,
like, disses her all the time?
513
00:39:50,061 --> 00:39:52,730
Doesn't she have any self-esteem?
514
00:39:52,855 --> 00:39:56,935
Well, that's a very interesting question.
515
00:39:57,067 --> 00:40:01,361
- (Bilko) Certainly is.
- Ernie! What are you doing here?
516
00:40:01,614 --> 00:40:03,571
- Did you get the flowers I sent ya?
- No.
517
00:40:03,699 --> 00:40:07,150
Darn. I'll call FedEx
and have 'em put a trace on it.
518
00:40:07,286 --> 00:40:10,453
That's right, sweetheart.
Nathan's a hustler.
519
00:40:10,581 --> 00:40:13,451
He's irresponsible,
and he's careless with the truth.
520
00:40:13,584 --> 00:40:17,368
But the one thing he never lies about
is how much he cares for Adelaide.
521
00:40:17,588 --> 00:40:19,995
See, that's his core, and she knows it.
522
00:40:20,132 --> 00:40:24,960
OK, let's take a break for ten minutes.
And that was really good.
523
00:40:25,637 --> 00:40:27,595
Wonderful.
524
00:40:31,643 --> 00:40:36,804
Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think
we should see each other any more.
525
00:40:36,940 --> 00:40:39,811
Sweetheart, you promised to go
to the Rusty Spur with me.
526
00:40:39,943 --> 00:40:44,107
- You never give up, do you?
- Come on. Come on, sweetheart...
527
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:47,275
...go to the Rusty Spur with me.
It'd be like old times.
528
00:40:48,869 --> 00:40:53,531
All right, but you've got 30 days.
If this finger is still naked in 30 days...
529
00:40:53,665 --> 00:40:55,622
...it's adios, Pepe.
530
00:40:56,668 --> 00:41:01,496
I mean it this time.
This is your last chance.
531
00:41:26,865 --> 00:41:29,190
Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is...
532
00:41:29,325 --> 00:41:33,572
Lieutenant Monday. We're here
from the Inspector General's Office, sir.
533
00:41:33,705 --> 00:41:38,165
I asked for the best number crunchers
in the army! I hope that's what they sent!
534
00:41:38,293 --> 00:41:41,412
- If there's been any malfeasance...
- Or embezzlement...
535
00:41:41,546 --> 00:41:42,791
We will find it.
536
00:41:42,922 --> 00:41:46,505
This guy we're going after's
been feeding off the khaki tit for years.
537
00:41:46,634 --> 00:41:51,011
He's a master sergeant.
His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him!
538
00:41:54,350 --> 00:41:57,137
- Forget it, Bilko.
- But, sir, the moment my boys heard...
539
00:41:57,270 --> 00:41:59,974
...about the desert manoeuvre,
they volunteered.
540
00:42:00,106 --> 00:42:02,976
We still haven't got over
being left out of Desert Storm.
541
00:42:03,109 --> 00:42:05,600
How the orders got crisscrossed,
I'll never know.
542
00:42:05,736 --> 00:42:09,604
But if we could go on these manoeuvres,
it would make up, in some small way...
543
00:42:09,740 --> 00:42:11,567
You must think I'm a nincompoop.
544
00:42:11,701 --> 00:42:14,618
A nincompoop? An NCP?
On the contrary, sir.
545
00:42:14,745 --> 00:42:17,070
- I think you're one of the finest...
- Las Vegas.
546
00:42:17,206 --> 00:42:19,958
- What, sir?
- The desert manoeuvre will take place...
547
00:42:20,084 --> 00:42:22,409
...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada.
548
00:42:22,545 --> 00:42:25,296
Really? I had no idea. Won't that be fun?
549
00:42:25,422 --> 00:42:29,669
- Lake Mead, Hoover Dam.
- Forget it. You've got bigger problems.
550
00:42:29,802 --> 00:42:34,013
Two hatchet men -
excuse me, hatchet persons -
551
00:42:34,139 --> 00:42:37,639
...from the Inspector General's Office
came to audit the motor pool accounts.
552
00:42:37,768 --> 00:42:40,685
- I wonder who tipped them off?
- Yes, I wonder.
553
00:42:42,356 --> 00:42:45,440
(woman) Fort Baxter. How may I
direct your call? Motor pool?
554
00:42:45,567 --> 00:42:50,443
Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole
post is skating on thin ice with hot blades.
555
00:42:50,572 --> 00:42:52,565
Don't let them find anything.
556
00:42:52,699 --> 00:42:55,653
- Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up?
- A cover-up?
557
00:42:55,786 --> 00:42:58,870
Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up?
558
00:42:59,790 --> 00:43:01,948
No... sir.
559
00:43:03,460 --> 00:43:06,129
Good. Then I'm not suggesting one.
560
00:43:06,588 --> 00:43:11,167
Just do... whatever it is you do
to make these things go away.
561
00:43:13,178 --> 00:43:15,135
I can't help myself
562
00:43:16,181 --> 00:43:18,423
Bad habits
563
00:43:19,392 --> 00:43:21,468
I'm runnin' wild
564
00:43:22,187 --> 00:43:24,144
Lost control
565
00:43:25,565 --> 00:43:28,352
Well, I must confess
566
00:43:28,735 --> 00:43:31,653
Cos I can't repress
567
00:43:32,405 --> 00:43:36,070
In the last two months you
billed the army for 72 windshields?
568
00:43:36,201 --> 00:43:39,367
That was a mistake.
One of my men, Private Buttersworth...
569
00:43:39,496 --> 00:43:41,702
...had a hairline crack in his glasses.
570
00:43:41,831 --> 00:43:43,623
- A crack?
- Yes, a hairline crack.
571
00:43:43,750 --> 00:43:46,667
So to him, it looked like
all the windshields were broken.
572
00:43:46,795 --> 00:43:49,499
I transferred him right out.
That's the way I am.
573
00:43:49,631 --> 00:43:53,675
She's crazy about you. Every time
you're not looking, she stares.
574
00:43:57,764 --> 00:43:59,840
You just missed it.
575
00:44:05,438 --> 00:44:10,314
Sergeant, in the past two days we've
found a number of possible irregularities.
576
00:44:10,443 --> 00:44:14,820
- Now, if you can't produce receipts...
- She's staring at you again.
577
00:44:14,947 --> 00:44:16,905
Oh, just missed it!
578
00:44:17,366 --> 00:44:19,158
There.
579
00:44:19,285 --> 00:44:21,954
... that a boy like me
580
00:44:22,413 --> 00:44:26,790
Has got so many bad habits
581
00:44:28,377 --> 00:44:33,004
I said, all of these bad habits
582
00:44:35,384 --> 00:44:40,805
All of these bad habits
583
00:44:44,810 --> 00:44:46,767
(bells ring)
584
00:44:50,816 --> 00:44:52,560
Nothing? You found nothing?
585
00:44:52,693 --> 00:44:55,149
All my training tells me
he's hiding something.
586
00:44:55,279 --> 00:44:57,984
Every time we're about to
find something...
587
00:44:58,115 --> 00:45:01,650
- It dissolves.
- It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.
588
00:45:01,785 --> 00:45:05,617
- No. It's like watching a magician.
- He's got you watching his left hand...
589
00:45:05,748 --> 00:45:08,618
And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits!
590
00:45:08,751 --> 00:45:11,076
Well, then, let's tie his hands.
591
00:45:13,756 --> 00:45:16,081
Ernie, will you dance with me tonight?
592
00:45:16,216 --> 00:45:19,550
That's up to you. Last time,
I accidentally stepped on your knee.
593
00:45:19,678 --> 00:45:22,003
- What if they play our song?
- We have a song?
594
00:45:22,139 --> 00:45:24,215
Don't you remember the first time we...?
595
00:45:24,349 --> 00:45:26,675
Only you
596
00:45:26,810 --> 00:45:29,764
How could I forget our song?
When they play it tonight...
597
00:45:29,896 --> 00:45:34,190
...you and I will dance the most romantic
dance we've ever danced in our entire life.
598
00:45:34,318 --> 00:45:37,521
- You promise?
- That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko.
599
00:45:39,990 --> 00:45:42,397
Put some drive in your country
600
00:45:43,660 --> 00:45:47,195
Keep country drivin' on
601
00:45:48,915 --> 00:45:51,489
When the music gets you movin'
602
00:45:52,752 --> 00:45:54,626
You know it can't be long
603
00:45:54,754 --> 00:45:58,586
Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just
you and me. All night long. No soldiers.
604
00:45:58,717 --> 00:46:00,840
- What do you wanna do?
- Let's shoot some pool.
605
00:46:00,969 --> 00:46:03,721
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Sarge. You're late!
606
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:10,017
- We want to celebrate the audit with ya.
- Those bean counters didn't have a clue.
607
00:46:10,812 --> 00:46:14,311
I know, I know. Sometimes
I'm so damn good I scare myself.
608
00:46:14,983 --> 00:46:17,189
Just us, huh?
609
00:46:19,612 --> 00:46:23,195
If you see her out tonight
610
00:46:23,783 --> 00:46:28,825
And she tells you
that it's just the lights
611
00:46:28,955 --> 00:46:30,947
That bring her here
612
00:46:31,082 --> 00:46:35,744
And not her loneliness
613
00:46:37,922 --> 00:46:40,543
That's what she says...
614
00:46:40,675 --> 00:46:43,344
- I'll go get us a couple of drinks.
- OK.
615
00:46:53,604 --> 00:46:56,391
...every word she says
616
00:46:56,524 --> 00:46:58,766
A scorpion and a brandy alexander.
617
00:47:00,027 --> 00:47:02,435
That's what she says...
618
00:47:03,030 --> 00:47:05,438
The future
Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"?
619
00:47:05,574 --> 00:47:09,572
Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her.
I never even... I don't know her.
620
00:47:09,703 --> 00:47:11,661
(music ends)
621
00:47:13,124 --> 00:47:16,907
Thank you very much, everybody.
we'll be back in just a couple of minutes.
622
00:47:17,044 --> 00:47:18,918
- I'll introduce ya.
- You know her?
623
00:47:19,046 --> 00:47:21,335
- No.
- She's with someone.
624
00:47:21,465 --> 00:47:23,422
A detail.
625
00:47:26,929 --> 00:47:30,179
- Ah, you must be in Bravo company.
- No, Charlie company.
626
00:47:30,307 --> 00:47:32,549
- Charlie Company! Haven't you heard?
- What?
627
00:47:32,685 --> 00:47:35,258
You're shipping out -
Operation Vacuum Cleaner.
628
00:47:35,396 --> 00:47:37,554
- Operation...
- Shh!
629
00:47:37,689 --> 00:47:41,023
I want his name. I want it known
that in this moment of crisis...
630
00:47:41,151 --> 00:47:43,725
...this man chose to sit here
and eat bar nuts.
631
00:47:43,862 --> 00:47:48,026
- I didn't know!
- Go ye into the night! Hut, hut, hut, hut!
632
00:47:49,743 --> 00:47:52,448
All right. Now I'll settle this.
633
00:47:53,497 --> 00:47:55,489
- Hmm.
- Excuse me?
634
00:47:55,666 --> 00:47:59,366
You were right. Those are
the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
635
00:47:59,503 --> 00:48:01,330
- Did he say that?
- Oh, yeah.
636
00:48:01,463 --> 00:48:04,832
He said your eyes were like diamonds
sparkling on a summer night.
637
00:48:04,966 --> 00:48:09,509
The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what
he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you.
638
00:48:09,638 --> 00:48:14,347
I think the least you can do is sit down
and buy this young lady some dinner.
639
00:48:14,476 --> 00:48:16,967
Sit down and buy dinner! Go! Hey!
640
00:48:17,521 --> 00:48:19,394
Ah, to be young again.
641
00:48:20,523 --> 00:48:23,275
- That's my sergeant.
- Oh.
642
00:48:29,574 --> 00:48:32,065
Oh! Major Ebersole, boys.
Welcome to the Spur.
643
00:48:32,202 --> 00:48:36,745
Oh, I've been here before.
Uh... five years ago.
644
00:48:36,873 --> 00:48:39,578
I had... a scotch and soda.
645
00:48:39,709 --> 00:48:42,414
Good. A place like this
depends on repeat business.
646
00:48:42,545 --> 00:48:47,540
They're repainting our club, so we had to
move our weekly poker game down here.
647
00:48:47,675 --> 00:48:51,839
Poker. I've heard wonderful things
about that game. Can I watch?
648
00:48:51,971 --> 00:48:55,138
- You don't play poker?
- I'm pretty busy at the motor pool...
649
00:48:55,266 --> 00:49:00,426
...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe
I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem.
650
00:49:00,563 --> 00:49:02,721
I don't have any change.
651
00:49:02,857 --> 00:49:06,724
We can make change. It's OK.
652
00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:09,317
Oh, goody. I get to play cards.
653
00:49:10,573 --> 00:49:14,321
... long way home just to think of an alibi
654
00:49:14,452 --> 00:49:17,618
Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things
655
00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:18,861
That hadn't already...
656
00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:23,043
- Get you somethin'?
- Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman.
657
00:49:23,169 --> 00:49:25,126
That's Bilko's girl.
658
00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:28,044
Now she looks even better.
659
00:49:30,634 --> 00:49:33,007
I'm dealing you five cards.
660
00:49:33,137 --> 00:49:35,628
- Five cards. Let me write this down.
- Yeah, OK.
661
00:49:35,765 --> 00:49:38,968
Now, the worst hand that you can have...
662
00:49:39,101 --> 00:49:42,850
...is if you only have one high card
and nothing else that matches.
663
00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:48,223
- But then comes a pair.
- A pair. How exciting. A pair.
664
00:49:48,777 --> 00:49:51,399
(applause)
665
00:49:51,739 --> 00:49:55,986
Only you
666
00:49:56,744 --> 00:50:01,986
Can make this world seem right
667
00:50:03,083 --> 00:50:05,788
Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie?
668
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:08,792
- No, I haven't.
- Will you hold this a second?
669
00:50:08,922 --> 00:50:10,962
- Sure.
- Thanks.
670
00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:16,133
Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie?
671
00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:18,220
- No.
- No.
672
00:50:19,224 --> 00:50:21,181
Ernie?
673
00:50:21,810 --> 00:50:22,973
Ernie!
674
00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:26,515
I have three jacks and two sixes.
What's that called again?
675
00:50:26,648 --> 00:50:30,480
- A full house.
- What a cute name. A full house.
676
00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,612
- Is that good?
- Yes, that means you win.
677
00:50:35,365 --> 00:50:39,149
- Again.
- Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing.
678
00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,409
What is that? Five in a row?
679
00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:45,122
What a lovely watch.
Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle.
680
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:47,492
Oops. Clumsy me.
681
00:50:48,628 --> 00:50:50,917
- OK. Cut? Thank you.
- Hey!
682
00:50:51,047 --> 00:50:54,297
Sorry. All right. OK.
683
00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:02,131
You are my destiny
684
00:51:02,267 --> 00:51:06,514
Oh. You hear that song?
It means I gotta go.
685
00:51:08,273 --> 00:51:11,855
Gee, I feel bad.
Can't I give some of this back?
686
00:51:13,278 --> 00:51:16,148
No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it?
687
00:51:16,281 --> 00:51:19,732
All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs...
688
00:51:19,993 --> 00:51:24,785
...and the pink slip, and you can cash me
out and I'll see you back at the base.
689
00:51:24,914 --> 00:51:26,741
- Ernie!
- Good evening, sir.
690
00:51:26,874 --> 00:51:28,582
Excuse us, Major.
691
00:51:28,710 --> 00:51:33,786
Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's
decided to climb all over your sorry butt.
692
00:51:33,923 --> 00:51:36,165
I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie.
693
00:51:36,300 --> 00:51:41,176
Get back to the post. I'd like to see your
men on the parade ground at 0500 hours.
694
00:51:41,305 --> 00:51:43,879
- Yes, sir. Weather permitting.
- What permitting?
695
00:51:44,016 --> 00:51:46,175
Who said that?
696
00:51:46,310 --> 00:51:49,062
It's payback time, Bilko.
697
00:51:49,438 --> 00:51:52,392
If it's all the same to you,
I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving.
698
00:51:52,525 --> 00:51:59,571
It's not all the same to me, Bilko.
Move it! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut!
699
00:51:59,949 --> 00:52:04,409
You are my destiny
700
00:52:08,958 --> 00:52:11,081
This solves nothing.
701
00:52:11,418 --> 00:52:13,541
This solves everything.
702
00:52:15,756 --> 00:52:18,959
You haven't seen someone called
Ernie Bilko, have you?
703
00:52:19,343 --> 00:52:21,715
Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago.
704
00:52:21,845 --> 00:52:25,925
- Are you sure?
- Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry.
705
00:52:26,141 --> 00:52:30,305
You see, I happen to know
Major Ebersole offered him a poker game.
706
00:52:30,771 --> 00:52:34,389
You're my dream come true
707
00:52:35,150 --> 00:52:42,731
My one and only you
708
00:52:42,950 --> 00:52:45,238
I can drop you off
on my way back to the post.
709
00:52:45,369 --> 00:52:48,738
- This is very nice of you.
- Not at all.
710
00:52:48,872 --> 00:52:50,829
May I ask you...
711
00:52:52,292 --> 00:52:55,910
...could I call on you sometime?
- Oh, well, you see, I'm...
712
00:52:56,296 --> 00:52:58,668
I just broke up with someone.
713
00:52:58,799 --> 00:53:03,544
- He must be devastated.
- Oh... he doesn't know yet.
714
00:53:12,938 --> 00:53:14,811
(reveille)
715
00:53:16,232 --> 00:53:21,938
Fall in! Arrgh! And gather!
Gather in... in a square! All right.
716
00:53:24,741 --> 00:53:26,698
Good!
717
00:53:27,368 --> 00:53:31,865
All right, you've seen real soldiers before.
Just... do what they do.
718
00:53:36,753 --> 00:53:40,453
All right, let's do the
"grab the rifle by the bottom" thing!
719
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:42,797
Arrgh!
720
00:53:43,426 --> 00:53:46,961
All right! Now, let's do the,
you know, the shoulder thing!
721
00:53:47,096 --> 00:53:51,224
Arrgh! The shoulder thing!
Ah! Arrgh! Arrgh! Yes.
722
00:53:51,642 --> 00:53:56,139
All right. And now the... the
"showing the rifle for the inspection" bit.
723
00:53:56,272 --> 00:53:58,099
Go! Arrgh! Arrgh!
724
00:53:58,232 --> 00:54:00,474
(gunshot)
725
00:54:08,326 --> 00:54:10,283
(yelling)
726
00:54:14,999 --> 00:54:18,617
Well, my feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
727
00:54:18,878 --> 00:54:21,748
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
728
00:54:22,715 --> 00:54:25,550
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
729
00:54:27,887 --> 00:54:29,345
Go, go, go, go!
730
00:54:33,267 --> 00:54:35,805
Dobie, come on! Come on, buddy.
731
00:54:36,228 --> 00:54:39,063
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
732
00:54:39,356 --> 00:54:42,891
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
733
00:54:43,485 --> 00:54:46,190
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
734
00:54:49,033 --> 00:54:51,358
(yelling)
735
00:54:56,081 --> 00:54:59,284
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
736
00:54:59,418 --> 00:55:02,703
Said feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
737
00:55:03,088 --> 00:55:06,089
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
738
00:55:06,383 --> 00:55:09,467
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
739
00:55:16,101 --> 00:55:18,058
No. Nope.
740
00:55:27,028 --> 00:55:29,484
I'm just so damn proud.
741
00:55:35,537 --> 00:55:38,822
My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now
742
00:55:38,957 --> 00:55:41,911
My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now
743
00:55:46,006 --> 00:55:48,579
I can barely move my legs
744
00:55:48,842 --> 00:55:51,511
I can barely move my legs
745
00:55:51,636 --> 00:55:54,388
Do me a favour and kill me now
746
00:55:54,639 --> 00:55:57,308
Do me a favour and kill me now
747
00:55:57,434 --> 00:56:00,470
Something, something rhymes with legs
748
00:56:00,728 --> 00:56:03,646
Something, something rhymes with legs
749
00:56:03,773 --> 00:56:06,809
My life is over anyhow
750
00:56:07,068 --> 00:56:09,025
(Doberman pants)
751
00:56:09,362 --> 00:56:11,438
(Wally sniggers)
752
00:56:11,572 --> 00:56:14,443
- Sarge!
- Sarge! He's killing us!
753
00:56:14,575 --> 00:56:17,363
- I can't do this.
- What's the matter with you people?
754
00:56:17,495 --> 00:56:18,954
Generation X!
755
00:56:19,080 --> 00:56:21,832
- He's killin' us!
- You've all gone soft!
756
00:56:21,999 --> 00:56:24,075
- Get serious, Sarge!
- I am serious.
757
00:56:24,210 --> 00:56:27,045
I've been thinking about this.
You're Bilko's platoon!
758
00:56:27,171 --> 00:56:29,496
Whatever they dish out, we can take.
759
00:56:29,632 --> 00:56:31,838
I want to see you two in my quarters.
760
00:56:38,808 --> 00:56:41,678
- Oh!
- (both) Sarge.
761
00:56:42,311 --> 00:56:45,894
I'm paralysed.
I have no feeling from the hair down.
762
00:56:46,023 --> 00:56:48,775
Make the bad man stop.
763
00:56:51,779 --> 00:56:55,444
- Who are you calling?
- Rita. Her voice will make me feel better.
764
00:56:55,574 --> 00:56:58,575
Ow. Ow, ow, ow.
765
00:56:59,203 --> 00:57:01,528
(phone ringing)
766
00:57:03,916 --> 00:57:05,873
(ringing)
767
00:57:13,467 --> 00:57:16,717
If any of this is frightening,
just hold onto me.
768
00:57:17,971 --> 00:57:21,008
They're dancing Raisinets.
769
00:57:21,558 --> 00:57:25,010
And you don't find that frightening?
770
00:57:30,108 --> 00:57:32,101
Let's work
771
00:57:32,236 --> 00:57:33,979
Be proud
772
00:57:34,112 --> 00:57:35,690
Stand tall
773
00:57:37,032 --> 00:57:41,077
- Sarge? Sarge.
- What's the matter?
774
00:57:43,121 --> 00:57:45,363
I put on three pounds.
775
00:57:46,249 --> 00:57:49,416
Funny, it doesn't show.
Luis! This calls for plan A.
776
00:57:49,628 --> 00:57:54,753
That won't work. He's on his way over.
He says if I can't do ten push-ups...
777
00:57:54,883 --> 00:57:57,718
...he's gonna move me out.
778
00:58:02,682 --> 00:58:04,639
All right! Plan B.
779
00:58:12,275 --> 00:58:15,774
Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir!
Have you lost w...
780
00:58:17,530 --> 00:58:21,065
(grunting)
781
00:58:21,701 --> 00:58:23,777
Good work, Doberman!
782
00:58:25,121 --> 00:58:28,407
(all grunt)
783
00:58:32,420 --> 00:58:36,204
So, John, if you spoke to the officers
and their wives, it would mean a lot.
784
00:58:36,341 --> 00:58:40,504
They keep hearing rumours
that Fort Baxter will be shut down.
785
00:58:40,637 --> 00:58:46,390
Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank
disaster, I don't know what might happen.
786
00:58:46,517 --> 00:58:50,930
Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad.
787
00:58:51,063 --> 00:58:55,013
Well, you will think of something.
I have complete faith in you.
788
00:58:55,151 --> 00:58:57,393
- Thank you.
- (rapping on door)
789
00:58:58,154 --> 00:59:01,523
- Sorry, I didn't realise you had company.
- Quite all right, Bilko.
790
00:59:01,657 --> 00:59:04,492
Colonel, you didn't tell me
there was a movie star here.
791
00:59:04,619 --> 00:59:07,406
Sharon Stone! The men will be so excited.
792
00:59:07,538 --> 00:59:09,827
- Bilko.
- We've seen all your movies.
793
00:59:09,957 --> 00:59:12,828
- They're a little racy for me.
- Sergeant Bilko...
794
00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:14,620
You know this is Mrs Hall.
795
00:59:14,754 --> 00:59:19,214
Mrs Hall! Cradle robber. You were
dazzled by an older man, is that it?
796
00:59:19,341 --> 00:59:21,001
- Bilko!
- Yes, my colonel?
797
00:59:21,135 --> 00:59:23,970
John, I will see you later.
798
00:59:24,096 --> 00:59:26,552
Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall.
799
00:59:29,602 --> 00:59:32,223
- What is it, Sergeant?
- Sir, if I could ask you again.
800
00:59:32,354 --> 00:59:34,430
- These desert manoeuvres...
- You can go.
801
00:59:34,565 --> 00:59:37,981
If you'd seen the look on the men's faces
when I said we wouldn't...
802
00:59:38,110 --> 00:59:40,399
- I said I've changed my mind.
- Zimmerman...
803
00:59:40,529 --> 00:59:43,102
...I had to cradle him in my... We can go?
804
00:59:51,081 --> 00:59:54,367
- Have a safe trip, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir.
805
00:59:54,501 --> 00:59:56,458
Oh, sure.
806
00:59:58,130 --> 01:00:00,751
Bright light city gonna set my soul
807
01:00:00,883 --> 01:00:03,670
Gonna set my soul on fire
808
01:00:04,636 --> 01:00:06,961
Viva Las Vegas
809
01:00:08,015 --> 01:00:10,256
Viva Las Vegas
810
01:00:10,767 --> 01:00:14,136
There's blackjack and poker
and the roulette wheel
811
01:00:14,271 --> 01:00:17,390
All you need's a strong heart
and a nerve of steel
812
01:00:17,733 --> 01:00:20,188
Viva Las Vegas
813
01:00:21,069 --> 01:00:23,525
Viva Las Vegas
814
01:00:24,364 --> 01:00:26,772
Viva Las Vegas
815
01:00:27,742 --> 01:00:30,115
Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing
816
01:00:30,245 --> 01:00:32,487
Sarge, you're crying.
817
01:00:32,622 --> 01:00:35,244
It's just... so beautiful.
818
01:00:36,001 --> 01:00:39,286
Viva, viva, Las Vegas
819
01:00:39,421 --> 01:00:42,256
All right, soldiers. Prepare for manoeuvres!
820
01:00:43,508 --> 01:00:47,340
I killed an afternoon convincing
Colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble...
821
01:00:47,470 --> 01:00:49,712
...if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres.
822
01:00:49,848 --> 01:00:53,217
You've got three days
to get into this computer.
823
01:00:53,351 --> 01:00:55,723
Find me everything.
824
01:00:57,522 --> 01:01:00,973
If he stole a match,
I want to know about it.
825
01:01:03,444 --> 01:01:05,318
I'm goin' to party town
826
01:01:05,446 --> 01:01:06,609
Yeah, yeah
827
01:01:06,739 --> 01:01:08,946
I wanna party down
828
01:01:09,075 --> 01:01:10,154
Yeah, yeah
829
01:01:10,284 --> 01:01:13,736
I wanna have some fun
I'm gonna fool around
830
01:01:13,871 --> 01:01:15,663
I'm goin' to party town
831
01:01:17,125 --> 01:01:19,082
Right here in party town
832
01:01:19,210 --> 01:01:20,325
Yeah, yeah
833
01:01:20,461 --> 01:01:22,620
They really party down
834
01:01:22,755 --> 01:01:23,751
Yeah, yeah
835
01:01:23,881 --> 01:01:26,004
Man, it's a party town
836
01:01:26,133 --> 01:01:27,165
Yeah, yeah
837
01:01:30,888 --> 01:01:32,217
- Where we goin'?
- Craps.
838
01:01:32,348 --> 01:01:35,053
Think of the changes you wanna make
when we own this place.
839
01:01:35,184 --> 01:01:38,553
Hey, Sarge, I was thinkin',
is it safe for us to be off the base?
840
01:01:38,688 --> 01:01:41,688
- Thorn will be up to somethin'.
- You just thought of that?
841
01:01:41,816 --> 01:01:46,442
Relax. Before we left, I had Luis encrypt
the files. It'll take 'em years to break in.
842
01:01:46,612 --> 01:01:48,770
We're in.
843
01:01:57,498 --> 01:01:58,743
(Thorn) Good job.
844
01:01:58,916 --> 01:02:01,288
Now, how far back do you want us to go?
845
01:02:01,418 --> 01:02:03,790
You two kids have just been sensational.
846
01:02:03,921 --> 01:02:07,171
Why don't you knock off
for the rest of the evening?
847
01:02:08,008 --> 01:02:10,380
And do what?
848
01:02:10,511 --> 01:02:13,880
- Have fun. Unwind.
- Hm.
849
01:02:14,014 --> 01:02:16,220
- Well, shall I...?
- No, leave it on for a second.
850
01:02:16,350 --> 01:02:21,095
I'd just like to check on one or two things,
just out of curiosity.
851
01:02:22,105 --> 01:02:25,059
Well, good night.
852
01:02:25,526 --> 01:02:26,854
Good night.
853
01:02:28,278 --> 01:02:31,778
I think it was very exciting,
the way you broke into that computer.
854
01:02:31,907 --> 01:02:34,196
- It was?
- Yes!
855
01:02:35,410 --> 01:02:38,162
- (0ster) Can I buy you a drink?
- Why, yes.
856
01:02:50,133 --> 01:02:52,375
Oh, oh, oh! There they go!
857
01:03:00,310 --> 01:03:01,852
Oh, my. All right.
858
01:03:01,978 --> 01:03:06,058
Oh! Ouch! They're hot! They're hot.
Quick, quick, cool 'em off.
859
01:03:07,692 --> 01:03:10,693
Press the six and the eight
and the black ten.
860
01:03:10,820 --> 01:03:13,738
- All right, here we go. Now...
- Oh, he's shakin' 'em off.
861
01:03:14,365 --> 01:03:18,659
Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch.
It looks like the high, hard one!
862
01:03:22,165 --> 01:03:24,454
Ooh, baby! Oh, good.
863
01:03:24,584 --> 01:03:28,878
Gently. OK, and now, it's just a little...
It's easy, it's easy, it's easy.
864
01:03:29,005 --> 01:03:31,294
It's just... behind the back.
865
01:03:31,424 --> 01:03:34,211
Winner! We have a winner.
866
01:03:37,263 --> 01:03:39,836
Wait a minute. This chip is scratched.
867
01:03:42,018 --> 01:03:43,097
- Mr Bilko.
- Yes?
868
01:03:43,227 --> 01:03:45,897
That's quite a run.
Is there anything we can do for you?
869
01:03:46,022 --> 01:03:50,399
Yes, go to your vault and tell your money
to be patient. We'll be together soon.
870
01:03:51,777 --> 01:03:54,695
You mean he stood you up
before that night at the Rusty Spur?
871
01:03:54,822 --> 01:03:57,230
Mm-hm. He left me standing at the altar.
872
01:03:57,867 --> 01:03:59,943
There can be no excuse for that.
873
01:04:00,077 --> 01:04:04,905
You'd be surprised. He had a new excuse
every time. They were all pretty amazing.
874
01:04:05,041 --> 01:04:07,496
- He did that more than once?
- Mm-hm.
875
01:04:08,377 --> 01:04:11,212
Rita, you have a lot of love to give.
876
01:04:11,714 --> 01:04:14,383
And you're smart.
Why put up with a clown like that?
877
01:04:14,508 --> 01:04:19,384
Because it was exciting. With Ernie,
every day was anything-can-happen day.
878
01:04:19,513 --> 01:04:21,885
Some couples play Scrabble.
879
01:04:22,016 --> 01:04:25,385
This isn't a game we're talking about -
it's your life.
880
01:04:25,519 --> 01:04:29,018
Where I come from, when you tell
a woman you'll marry her, you mean it.
881
01:04:29,148 --> 01:04:33,691
You know something? I would never
stand you up. I'd never not call you.
882
01:04:34,528 --> 01:04:39,320
But then, I'm an officer with career
prospects. I can handle responsibility.
883
01:04:39,450 --> 01:04:41,193
I guess you can.
884
01:04:41,326 --> 01:04:43,568
Wouldn't you like a man
who's there for you?
885
01:04:43,704 --> 01:04:47,120
A man who wants to get married,
settle down and have a family.
886
01:04:47,249 --> 01:04:49,206
Yes.
887
01:04:50,544 --> 01:04:52,335
I bought you this.
888
01:04:56,341 --> 01:04:57,752
A ring!
889
01:04:57,884 --> 01:05:00,506
Two carats of cubic zirconia.
890
01:05:01,054 --> 01:05:03,011
It's beautiful.
891
01:05:08,854 --> 01:05:10,182
Oh...
892
01:05:10,313 --> 01:05:13,065
This is happening... too fast.
893
01:05:14,192 --> 01:05:16,683
I don't want to hurt Ernie.
894
01:05:17,154 --> 01:05:18,648
No.
895
01:05:18,780 --> 01:05:21,271
We really don't want to hurt Ernie.
896
01:05:24,661 --> 01:05:27,116
- That's when Vegas was Vegas.
- Excuse me, Mr Bilko?
897
01:05:27,247 --> 01:05:30,450
- He said it was an emergency.
- This must be the Pentagon.
898
01:05:30,583 --> 01:05:32,991
Hello? I can hardly hear you.
899
01:05:33,128 --> 01:05:36,662
Rita Robbins. She's been out
with that guy Thorn every night.
900
01:05:37,006 --> 01:05:39,295
- Thorn?
- Since before you went on manoeuvres.
901
01:05:39,426 --> 01:05:43,589
Tomorrow night they're going out to
that fancy French restaurant in Roseville.
902
01:05:43,721 --> 01:05:47,885
She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie,
I gotta tell ya. Like she would do anything.
903
01:05:50,853 --> 01:05:53,344
- Thanks, Sowicki.
- Bye, Ernie.
904
01:05:55,233 --> 01:05:57,854
- Thank you, Stan.
- Hey, thank you!
905
01:05:57,986 --> 01:06:00,655
For allowing me
to screw with Bilko's head.
906
01:06:00,780 --> 01:06:02,819
Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan.
907
01:06:02,949 --> 01:06:05,866
I just need to find out
how much he really loves me.
908
01:06:05,993 --> 01:06:08,449
- He loves you plenty.
- More than Las Vegas?
909
01:06:08,621 --> 01:06:10,530
That's asking a lot.
910
01:06:11,749 --> 01:06:13,706
(rings)
911
01:06:14,252 --> 01:06:18,581
(answer phone) Hi, this is Rita. I'm not in
right now. Please leave a message.
912
01:06:18,714 --> 01:06:22,379
Rita, it's me, Ernie. I'm on my way home.
I hear you're seeing Thorn...
913
01:06:22,510 --> 01:06:26,590
...and I just don't want you to take it too
seriously. He's only with you to annoy me.
914
01:06:27,765 --> 01:06:32,178
I see. He couldn't possibly be interested
in me-that would be ridiculous.
915
01:06:32,311 --> 01:06:35,098
Rita, you're there.
This guy has terrible qualities.
916
01:06:35,231 --> 01:06:39,940
- For one thing, he's very manipulative.
- He seemed nice to me. Goodbye.
917
01:06:41,195 --> 01:06:43,318
Hello? Hello?
918
01:06:44,240 --> 01:06:47,276
Rita? Rita?
919
01:06:51,789 --> 01:06:54,031
Why do you smell the cork?
920
01:06:54,708 --> 01:06:57,246
Your eyes are hazel, aren't they?
921
01:06:57,378 --> 01:06:58,457
Green.
922
01:06:58,587 --> 01:07:00,663
(Bilko) I never have sex on the first date.
923
01:07:00,798 --> 01:07:06,384
Thank God, it's our third. Oh, this is such
a... Oh, can't you just smell that... salad?
924
01:07:06,512 --> 01:07:08,469
Yes, I have a reservation.
925
01:07:09,640 --> 01:07:15,144
Ah, this must be the table. You know,
what they do very well here is the garlic.
926
01:07:15,270 --> 01:07:17,726
Oh, I touched you.
My temperature is rising.
927
01:07:17,856 --> 01:07:23,396
Waiter, could we have two glasses
of red house, uh... s'il vous please?
928
01:07:23,528 --> 01:07:24,643
In.
929
01:07:26,114 --> 01:07:28,071
Bilko. What a fool.
930
01:07:28,200 --> 01:07:29,658
Yeah.
931
01:07:29,785 --> 01:07:32,702
How can he afford to eat here
on a sergeant's pay?
932
01:07:32,829 --> 01:07:36,613
- I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon.
- No kidding?
933
01:07:37,250 --> 01:07:39,539
(exaggerated laugh)
934
01:07:39,795 --> 01:07:42,879
- That woman's kind of attractive too.
- You think so?
935
01:07:43,006 --> 01:07:45,248
Well, not compared to you, of course.
936
01:07:45,842 --> 01:07:48,713
Anyway, I understand
the oysters here are...
937
01:07:48,845 --> 01:07:51,632
...very, uh, very, uh... imported.
938
01:07:52,557 --> 01:07:55,511
- Just get me out of here fast.
- Relax, Paparelli.
939
01:07:55,644 --> 01:07:58,265
If you wanna make Rita jealous,
why not use Barbella?
940
01:07:58,396 --> 01:08:03,188
She knows Barbella. I needed someone
she can't recognise. Someone alluring.
941
01:08:04,486 --> 01:08:06,443
Thank you.
942
01:08:08,364 --> 01:08:14,153
Ah! Well, it's Rita Robbins
and Major Thorn! Ah! A-ha-ha, aha.
943
01:08:14,704 --> 01:08:17,373
Um, excuse me. One moment.
944
01:08:19,709 --> 01:08:23,659
- (Bilko clears throat)
- She's coming over? She's coming over?
945
01:08:26,090 --> 01:08:29,791
Ernie, you made Paparelli
get into drag just to make me jealous?
946
01:08:29,927 --> 01:08:34,139
Well, actually, he was already in drag.
Paparelli, scram! Get going.
947
01:08:53,534 --> 01:08:55,942
Rita, you can't marry Thorn.
You don't love him.
948
01:08:56,078 --> 01:08:59,530
Think of the children.
You're a Catholic and he's an asshole!
949
01:08:59,665 --> 01:09:04,244
How would you raise them? And he's
already cheating on you with Paparelli.
950
01:09:05,337 --> 01:09:07,295
Hi, soldier boy.
951
01:09:09,425 --> 01:09:11,382
(hisses suggestively)
952
01:09:14,847 --> 01:09:18,216
Sowicki never told you
I was marrying Thorn.
953
01:09:19,810 --> 01:09:24,223
You told Sowicki to call me.
You manipulated me. How could you?
954
01:09:24,356 --> 01:09:28,733
Why not? I have a master's in
manipulation from the University of Bilko.
955
01:09:28,861 --> 01:09:31,482
You tricked me. You sucked me in.
956
01:09:32,948 --> 01:09:36,115
This is the most turned on
I've ever been in my life.
957
01:09:36,577 --> 01:09:38,949
Rita, I'm so glad
we're back together again.
958
01:09:39,163 --> 01:09:41,202
Twelve more days.
959
01:09:49,423 --> 01:09:51,462
No wonder the hovertank never worked.
960
01:09:51,591 --> 01:09:56,253
Yes, sir. He's been diverting research
funds into his own private account.
961
01:09:56,847 --> 01:10:02,303
For all the differences I've had with Bilko
over the years, I've always liked him.
962
01:10:02,436 --> 01:10:04,677
The way he kept up the men's morale.
963
01:10:04,813 --> 01:10:08,976
The way he'd pretend to cry when I went
on leave. The way, on my birthday...
964
01:10:09,109 --> 01:10:13,569
...he'd have the men mow my name in
the main lawn with a big heart around it.
965
01:10:14,823 --> 01:10:18,405
- But now there'll be a court martial.
- Yes, sir.
966
01:10:18,535 --> 01:10:20,741
- Unless...
- Unless?
967
01:10:20,870 --> 01:10:24,738
It's just that I know we'd both
do anything to spare Bilko a court martial.
968
01:10:24,874 --> 01:10:27,448
If he could just be quietly punished.
969
01:10:27,585 --> 01:10:29,827
(sighs) Yeah, sure.
970
01:10:30,964 --> 01:10:33,122
But... but how?
971
01:10:33,258 --> 01:10:35,546
The CO has certain powers, sir.
972
01:10:36,636 --> 01:10:41,013
- Powers?
- Can't he, for instance, have a soldier...
973
01:10:43,268 --> 01:10:45,225
...trans...
974
01:10:46,437 --> 01:10:48,893
Trans... atlantic?
975
01:10:51,943 --> 01:10:54,434
Trans... vestite?
976
01:10:57,407 --> 01:11:00,526
- Transferred!
- What a wonderful idea.
977
01:11:01,119 --> 01:11:03,823
Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning.
978
01:11:04,664 --> 01:11:10,168
It'd have to be somewhere where there'd
be no chance of him making trouble again.
979
01:11:14,465 --> 01:11:16,837
Greenland?
980
01:11:17,051 --> 01:11:20,883
He's been out walking
by himself for, like, four hours.
981
01:11:21,472 --> 01:11:24,045
- What's he doin'?
- He's thinkin'.
982
01:11:24,266 --> 01:11:28,679
- I thought I heard him crying.
- He even asked for a box of tissues.
983
01:11:32,316 --> 01:11:34,059
I guess you're happy.
984
01:11:34,193 --> 01:11:37,562
Yeah. He hated the sarge.
He was probably helping Thorn to get him.
985
01:11:37,696 --> 01:11:40,270
- I was not!
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
986
01:11:40,407 --> 01:11:43,361
This is Bilko we're
talkin' about here. Bilko!
987
01:11:43,494 --> 01:11:45,782
Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on!
988
01:11:45,913 --> 01:11:48,534
- That's right.
- (Paparelli) He'll think of somethin'.
989
01:11:48,666 --> 01:11:52,331
Remember when I got the letter from
my wife sayin' she wanted to break up?
990
01:11:52,461 --> 01:11:55,034
- Remember what Bilko did?
- He got your wife back?
991
01:11:55,297 --> 01:11:57,705
No, he got me another wife. A better wife!
992
01:11:57,925 --> 01:12:01,969
- Yeah!
- He'll come up with his best plan ever.
993
01:12:02,095 --> 01:12:05,630
Listen, I pity Major Thorn.
When Bilko gets done with him...
994
01:12:06,558 --> 01:12:09,228
- (Doberman) Sarge!
- Ten-hut!
995
01:12:09,353 --> 01:12:11,179
Hey, Sarge!
996
01:12:11,313 --> 01:12:13,886
- Sarge!
- Sarge! You've come back!
997
01:12:15,484 --> 01:12:18,485
Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.
998
01:12:19,655 --> 01:12:21,943
Fall in and look this way!
999
01:12:26,536 --> 01:12:28,493
Hello, soldiers.
1000
01:12:29,498 --> 01:12:33,163
I'm talking to you.
Because that's what you are really.
1001
01:12:33,293 --> 01:12:36,329
Soldiers, every last one of you -
with a couple of exceptions.
1002
01:12:36,463 --> 01:12:38,337
- He's got a plan.
- He sure does.
1003
01:12:38,465 --> 01:12:42,332
I wanna tell you a little story.
There was once a little boy...
1004
01:12:42,469 --> 01:12:46,217
...and that little boy had a dream to run
one of the most sophisticated...
1005
01:12:46,348 --> 01:12:49,598
...illegal gaming operations
the US Army has ever seen.
1006
01:12:49,726 --> 01:12:50,971
- He's not worried.
- Not a bit.
1007
01:12:51,102 --> 01:12:53,427
And that little boy's dream came true.
1008
01:12:53,563 --> 01:12:57,146
But now they're trying to
snatch that dream back from him.
1009
01:12:57,317 --> 01:12:58,977
- He is worried.
- That's not good.
1010
01:12:59,110 --> 01:13:02,562
But what are the last two letters
in the name Bilko? K-O!
1011
01:13:02,697 --> 01:13:05,484
Of course, the first are B-l-L,
which is meaningless.
1012
01:13:05,617 --> 01:13:09,401
But still, am I giving up? No! Never!
Well, kind of, but not really...
1013
01:13:09,537 --> 01:13:13,238
...because there is no way
I am going to Greenland.
1014
01:13:13,374 --> 01:13:16,079
Well, you're probably wondering
if I have a plan.
1015
01:13:16,210 --> 01:13:22,960
Well, of course I have a plan!
A P-L-A-N. Plan.
1016
01:13:24,469 --> 01:13:26,426
But...
1017
01:13:27,346 --> 01:13:28,971
- He's got no plan.
- We're screwed.
1018
01:13:29,098 --> 01:13:33,048
- I have a plan, Sarge.
- But maybe a plan is not what I need!
1019
01:13:33,186 --> 01:13:36,519
What I really need is just a little puppy.
1020
01:13:36,647 --> 01:13:40,941
A little puppy with big, brown eyes
who'll just come to me and lick my face...
1021
01:13:41,068 --> 01:13:45,529
...and just love me so much,
no matter what kind of person I am.
1022
01:13:45,656 --> 01:13:46,771
(Bilko sobs)
1023
01:13:46,907 --> 01:13:48,983
Sarge, I really do have a plan.
1024
01:13:49,869 --> 01:13:54,032
Oh, so now you have a plan.
Well, let's hear your plan, Wally.
1025
01:13:54,665 --> 01:13:58,579
What if the hovertank did work? That'd
prove you haven't diverted the money.
1026
01:13:58,711 --> 01:14:01,380
Oh! That is so stup... What?
1027
01:14:01,547 --> 01:14:05,710
That would prove you hadn't been
diverting the money. Wouldn't it?
1028
01:14:08,637 --> 01:14:11,009
Are you saying you can get
the hovertank to work?
1029
01:14:11,140 --> 01:14:16,680
No, of course not. But we don't need to
hold four aces if they think we hold 'em.
1030
01:14:19,440 --> 01:14:21,847
Permission to speak freely?
1031
01:14:22,568 --> 01:14:26,019
Tell me a bit more about this plan,
because I think that's actually...
1032
01:14:26,155 --> 01:14:28,942
If they come, deny everything.
Just act dumb.
1033
01:14:29,074 --> 01:14:31,612
Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.
1034
01:14:34,913 --> 01:14:38,531
I love the nightlife, I like to boogie
1035
01:14:38,667 --> 01:14:40,743
I like to rock all night long
1036
01:14:40,877 --> 01:14:42,835
(Bilko) Ahem.
1037
01:14:43,171 --> 01:14:45,959
Oh... it's you, Bilko.
1038
01:14:46,091 --> 01:14:48,499
Sir, if I could talk with you
just for a moment.
1039
01:14:48,635 --> 01:14:52,218
If you've come to talk about Greenland,
you're wasting your time.
1040
01:14:52,347 --> 01:14:54,589
Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed.
1041
01:14:54,724 --> 01:14:58,343
Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest
week's pay for an honest day's work.
1042
01:14:58,478 --> 01:15:01,183
- I didn't steal money, sir.
- Please, Bilko.
1043
01:15:02,524 --> 01:15:04,979
Let's just say goodbye.
1044
01:15:05,110 --> 01:15:07,149
And thank you.
1045
01:15:07,279 --> 01:15:10,114
- For what, sir?
- Well, for...
1046
01:15:10,615 --> 01:15:13,865
...always making me feel like
I actually ran this place.
1047
01:15:13,994 --> 01:15:15,951
Good old Fort Baxter.
1048
01:15:16,746 --> 01:15:19,498
I guess your garden
is one of the things you'll miss most.
1049
01:15:19,624 --> 01:15:21,451
Ah, yes. I love...
1050
01:15:21,584 --> 01:15:24,040
- Miss? Why miss?
- The colonel hasn't heard?
1051
01:15:24,170 --> 01:15:28,085
- In that case, it must not be true.
- What? Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter?
1052
01:15:28,216 --> 01:15:30,505
You didn't hear it from me.
1053
01:15:30,635 --> 01:15:33,719
Take good care of yourself in...
I've said enough.
1054
01:15:33,888 --> 01:15:36,047
Have you heard where they're sending me?
1055
01:15:36,182 --> 01:15:39,598
- You're stepping on your flowers.
- The hell with them! Where?
1056
01:15:39,727 --> 01:15:42,598
- Where are they sending me?
- It's just rumour, sir.
1057
01:15:42,730 --> 01:15:46,182
Oh, that fair skin
under the burning desert sun...
1058
01:15:46,734 --> 01:15:50,483
Oh, my God. The desert sun.
1059
01:15:50,613 --> 01:15:53,614
Remember, if you get lost, travel by night.
1060
01:15:53,741 --> 01:15:58,284
- How can they do this to me?
- The hovertank test was the last straw.
1061
01:15:58,412 --> 01:16:01,034
Too bad they didn't schedule it this week.
1062
01:16:01,165 --> 01:16:03,122
Well...
1063
01:16:03,543 --> 01:16:05,500
- Goodbye.
- Wha...? Wait!
1064
01:16:05,795 --> 01:16:09,579
- You mean the hovertank is working?
- Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir:
1065
01:16:09,715 --> 01:16:12,206
..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP."
1066
01:16:12,343 --> 01:16:14,834
"Call the Pentagon
and the Department of the Army."
1067
01:16:14,970 --> 01:16:17,806
- All right.
- I've already taken that liberty, sir.
1068
01:16:17,932 --> 01:16:19,889
- Thank you.
- Oh, that picture of you...
1069
01:16:20,017 --> 01:16:22,638
...standing triumphant at the test.
1070
01:16:22,770 --> 01:16:26,305
That'll keep me warm
on those lonely nights in Greenland.
1071
01:16:27,608 --> 01:16:29,814
In Greenland, sir.
1072
01:16:30,194 --> 01:16:32,233
Oh. Yes.
1073
01:16:32,363 --> 01:16:34,604
Well, goodbye.
1074
01:16:36,075 --> 01:16:37,617
- Ah, Bi...
- Yes, sir?
1075
01:16:40,371 --> 01:16:43,288
If the test goes well,
you won't be transferred.
1076
01:16:43,749 --> 01:16:46,287
Well, thank you, sir! I'm stunned!
1077
01:16:47,044 --> 01:16:49,286
Just as a formality,
I've put that in writing.
1078
01:16:49,421 --> 01:16:53,004
If you could just sign here
and here, and initial here.
1079
01:16:56,553 --> 01:16:58,676
- Here?
- Uh, no. Here.
1080
01:16:59,389 --> 01:17:02,059
And I'll just notarise that.
1081
01:17:02,184 --> 01:17:05,719
- And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee.
- Oh. Thank you.
1082
01:17:07,397 --> 01:17:09,723
Here you are. Good day.
1083
01:17:11,485 --> 01:17:13,561
No, it'll hover. But as before...
1084
01:17:13,695 --> 01:17:17,907
...it will go completely haywire
if we attempt to fire the cannon.
1085
01:17:18,033 --> 01:17:20,571
We know that. We just need
a couple of hours with it.
1086
01:17:20,702 --> 01:17:24,700
- Let's get started.
- It's a $70-million piece of equipment.
1087
01:17:24,831 --> 01:17:28,081
You think I'm gonna allow
one of your men to fool around with it?
1088
01:17:28,210 --> 01:17:30,665
- I think not.
- Oh. Mm-hm.
1089
01:17:30,837 --> 01:17:34,787
Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what?
1090
01:17:34,925 --> 01:17:37,961
What's this? Oh!
I almost forgot I had these.
1091
01:17:38,094 --> 01:17:40,632
It's the IOUs from the poker game.
1092
01:17:40,764 --> 01:17:43,848
- Would he like to use my tools?
- That would be nice.
1093
01:17:48,855 --> 01:17:52,354
- You saw it?
- Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed.
1094
01:17:52,567 --> 01:17:55,770
- A perfect hit.
- (louder) The hovertank?
1095
01:17:55,904 --> 01:17:58,739
- I thought that thing was busted.
- Yeah, it was.
1096
01:17:58,865 --> 01:18:00,739
But the kid, Wally, he fixed it.
1097
01:18:00,867 --> 01:18:03,156
He said the key was the...
1098
01:18:03,870 --> 01:18:05,827
The...?
1099
01:18:06,748 --> 01:18:09,749
The fire-control
and super-elevator board.
1100
01:18:10,460 --> 01:18:14,409
- Imagine that.
- Yeah, the super-elevator board.
1101
01:18:14,547 --> 01:18:19,672
And the great thing is, if it works
at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay.
1102
01:18:19,802 --> 01:18:21,759
Great!
1103
01:18:49,957 --> 01:18:51,914
Yeah.
1104
01:19:13,439 --> 01:19:17,732
- Wonderful to see you again, General.
- You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall.
1105
01:19:18,193 --> 01:19:22,143
- And, of course, you know Major Thorn.
- Thorn.
1106
01:19:33,917 --> 01:19:35,874
(deep sigh)
1107
01:19:43,718 --> 01:19:47,087
- Tank crew ready, sir.
- Very good, Bilko. General.
1108
01:19:47,222 --> 01:19:49,678
Master Sergeant Bilko.
It's an honour to meet you.
1109
01:19:49,808 --> 01:19:53,259
- You look terrific! Have you lost weight?
- Who is this?
1110
01:19:53,645 --> 01:19:58,271
Members of Congress, General Tennyson,
colleagues from the defence industries...
1111
01:19:58,400 --> 01:20:00,558
...distinguished guests, welcome.
1112
01:20:02,362 --> 01:20:04,853
The weapon system
you are about to see today...
1113
01:20:04,990 --> 01:20:10,862
...can be called the world's first
truly all-terrain assault vehicle...
1114
01:20:10,995 --> 01:20:15,871
...which I'm proud to say was developed
entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter.
1115
01:20:16,668 --> 01:20:21,211
I give you the armoured attack platform
to lead American defence forces...
1116
01:20:21,339 --> 01:20:26,546
...into the 21st century.
The HTX-1 hovertank.
1117
01:20:37,063 --> 01:20:41,310
Water and rough terrain can stop
an ordinary M1 or APC...
1118
01:20:41,442 --> 01:20:44,894
...but the hovertank can literally rise
above these obstacles.
1119
01:20:45,029 --> 01:20:48,730
And that is the capability
we will show you here today.
1120
01:20:49,033 --> 01:20:51,405
Hovertank, you are looking good.
1121
01:20:53,246 --> 01:20:56,697
Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah!
1122
01:20:57,458 --> 01:20:58,454
(groans)
1123
01:21:13,057 --> 01:21:15,014
(applause)
1124
01:21:24,193 --> 01:21:26,898
Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch.
1125
01:21:58,101 --> 01:21:59,928
Fire in the hole!
1126
01:22:34,346 --> 01:22:39,091
- You hit the wrong button, Rastahead!
- It's not my fault! He wired it wrong!
1127
01:22:41,895 --> 01:22:43,389
Any questions?
1128
01:23:06,127 --> 01:23:08,285
Congratulations, honey.
1129
01:23:09,130 --> 01:23:11,039
- Home run, sir!
- Thank you, Captain.
1130
01:23:11,174 --> 01:23:14,009
- We'll rush this baby into production.
- Thank you.
1131
01:23:14,135 --> 01:23:17,835
Jack, I thank you
on behalf of a grateful nation.
1132
01:23:17,972 --> 01:23:21,305
I just can't wait to see
what you fellas come up with next.
1133
01:23:22,602 --> 01:23:25,556
Wait! Wait. The demonstration was rigged.
1134
01:23:25,688 --> 01:23:29,555
Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir?
Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?
1135
01:23:29,692 --> 01:23:31,898
I've never given that serious consideration.
1136
01:23:32,028 --> 01:23:34,067
Wait! General! He faked it!
1137
01:23:34,196 --> 01:23:37,731
Didn't you see the gun was aimed
at target three, but blew up target four?
1138
01:23:37,867 --> 01:23:39,277
Yes, I did.
1139
01:23:39,410 --> 01:23:42,280
If you remember
Einstein's theory, space is curved.
1140
01:23:42,413 --> 01:23:45,283
- Yes.
- And these are smart weapons.
1141
01:23:46,500 --> 01:23:49,786
Oh, cut the crap! He faked it.
It's just one of his scams.
1142
01:23:50,045 --> 01:23:53,165
That's a serious charge.
Colonel, what about this?
1143
01:23:53,299 --> 01:23:55,421
General, in all my years in the service...
1144
01:23:55,551 --> 01:23:58,884
...I have never, not once,
publicly berated a fellow officer.
1145
01:23:59,013 --> 01:24:02,880
But I realise now that from the moment
Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter...
1146
01:24:03,016 --> 01:24:06,682
...he engaged in a personal vendetta
against Master Sergeant Bilko.
1147
01:24:06,812 --> 01:24:11,059
I find his conduct inexcusable, and will
recommend an article 32 investigation.
1148
01:24:11,191 --> 01:24:12,983
- I see.
- (Thorn) You don't understand.
1149
01:24:13,110 --> 01:24:17,487
He doesn't know what's going on. This
sergeant leads him around by the nose!
1150
01:24:17,656 --> 01:24:21,440
Major! You are the most
insubordinate officer I have ever met.
1151
01:24:22,828 --> 01:24:27,039
I'm telling you, he's a boob! He doesn't
get it! They faked the whole thing!
1152
01:24:27,165 --> 01:24:31,911
I'd like to see just one piece of evidence
to support these idiotic allegations.
1153
01:24:32,045 --> 01:24:37,419
Idiotic, huh? How's this for evidence? The
fire-control and super-elevator board.
1154
01:24:37,551 --> 01:24:40,801
I took it out last night,
so how can it work?
1155
01:24:48,812 --> 01:24:51,813
So you deliberately
sabotaged this project, Major?
1156
01:24:51,940 --> 01:24:54,312
I got it all on tape.
1157
01:24:54,651 --> 01:24:56,311
Lucky.
1158
01:24:57,570 --> 01:24:59,528
(wind howling)
1159
01:25:02,492 --> 01:25:04,734
- Whoo!
- Yeah, celebration time.
1160
01:25:04,869 --> 01:25:06,826
Chin-chin.
1161
01:25:08,164 --> 01:25:12,376
Because I know Pap knew it,
and I... Stand, troops!
1162
01:25:14,420 --> 01:25:18,288
- You're in the presence of a genius.
- (all) Hoo-ah!
1163
01:25:18,424 --> 01:25:23,300
You're a total kingpin. You got Thorn
to sabotage something that didn't work!
1164
01:25:23,596 --> 01:25:28,258
Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without
our Wally. Where is he, where is the lad?
1165
01:25:28,393 --> 01:25:30,800
Here, Sarge.
1166
01:25:31,646 --> 01:25:35,145
I was just resetting
the colonel's odometer.
1167
01:25:43,241 --> 01:25:46,277
- I told you Wally was all right.
- OK. Glee club.
1168
01:26:01,467 --> 01:26:02,842
Oh, well.
1169
01:26:02,968 --> 01:26:08,176
Only you, only you, only you
1170
01:26:08,682 --> 01:26:13,724
Can make this change in me
1171
01:26:14,271 --> 01:26:19,229
Only you
1172
01:26:19,360 --> 01:26:22,563
You are my destiny
1173
01:26:22,863 --> 01:26:25,188
Destiny
1174
01:26:25,324 --> 01:26:30,780
When you hold my hand,
I understand the
1175
01:26:30,913 --> 01:26:37,117
Magic that you do,
magic that you do
1176
01:26:37,753 --> 01:26:43,209
Ooh, you're my dream come true
1177
01:26:43,342 --> 01:26:47,090
My one and only
1178
01:26:47,888 --> 01:26:48,801
You
1179
01:26:48,931 --> 01:26:49,926
Hum
1180
01:26:50,307 --> 01:26:51,587
Hum
1181
01:26:52,142 --> 01:26:55,807
It's only you
1182
01:26:57,189 --> 01:26:59,098
Very nice.
1183
01:26:59,232 --> 01:27:01,142
Aw, get up, Bilko.
1184
01:27:02,027 --> 01:27:07,863
Marry me, Rita. I know I'm a long shot,
but sometimes long shots pay off big.
1185
01:27:11,328 --> 01:27:13,616
(soldiers cheer)
1186
01:27:17,334 --> 01:27:20,169
(organ plays
"0nward, Christian Soldiers")
1187
01:27:35,435 --> 01:27:37,392
(music ends)
1188
01:27:42,025 --> 01:27:44,895
(organ resumes)
1189
01:28:00,293 --> 01:28:05,085
Don't even ask. I forgot it was
daylight-savings time. Can you believe it?
1190
01:28:05,465 --> 01:28:08,002
Well, better late than never.
1191
01:28:14,307 --> 01:28:16,015
- Poker?
- All right.
1192
01:28:16,767 --> 01:28:18,475
Nickel ante.
1193
01:28:20,062 --> 01:28:23,894
Let's make it interesting.
One hand of showdown.
1194
01:28:24,275 --> 01:28:27,192
If I win, we get married.
1195
01:28:30,281 --> 01:28:32,487
Ernie, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
1196
01:28:32,616 --> 01:28:36,744
I've never known you to chicken out
of a game, whatever the stakes.
1197
01:28:43,210 --> 01:28:45,167
(whispers) You're on.
1198
01:28:47,089 --> 01:28:49,331
Well, well, well, what do you know?
1199
01:28:49,466 --> 01:28:52,218
- Full house. Jacks over threes.
- You cheated!
1200
01:28:52,344 --> 01:28:54,218
- No, and we're getting married!
- When?
1201
01:28:54,346 --> 01:28:57,181
Now! (blows whistle)
1202
01:29:03,939 --> 01:29:05,896
Daddy!
1203
01:29:06,316 --> 01:29:08,772
- Ow!
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
1204
01:29:08,902 --> 01:29:11,109
...to witness the joining of these
two good people in holy matrimony.
1205
01:29:11,238 --> 01:29:14,441
Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest Bilko
to love, honour and cherish...
1206
01:29:14,574 --> 01:29:17,492
...for richer or poorer...
- Think we're moving too fast?
1207
01:29:17,619 --> 01:29:18,948
- I do.
- Let's go!
1208
01:29:19,079 --> 01:29:22,827
- Do you, Ernest Bilko, take Rita...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do.
1209
01:29:22,958 --> 01:29:27,785
By the power vested in me, I pronounce
you husband and wife. You may ki...
1210
01:29:29,673 --> 01:29:31,630
Ah.
1211
01:30:03,248 --> 01:30:05,786
Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo
1212
01:30:05,917 --> 01:30:08,669
Livin' in the USA
1213
01:30:08,795 --> 01:30:11,464
Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo
1214
01:30:11,589 --> 01:30:14,258
Livin' in the USA
1215
01:30:14,384 --> 01:30:16,709
Where are you goin' to?
1216
01:30:17,136 --> 01:30:19,462
What are you gonna do?
1217
01:30:19,597 --> 01:30:22,468
Do you think that it will be easy?
1218
01:30:22,600 --> 01:30:27,511
Do you think that it will be pleasin'?
Hey, hey, what'd you say?
1219
01:30:27,647 --> 01:30:30,601
I won't pay, I'd rather play
1220
01:30:30,733 --> 01:30:35,360
It's my freedom
Ah, don't worry about me, babe
1221
01:30:35,571 --> 01:30:37,860
I got to be free, babe
1222
01:30:38,532 --> 01:30:41,486
Hey, hey, hey, yeah
1223
01:30:42,662 --> 01:30:45,366
Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo
1224
01:30:45,498 --> 01:30:48,071
Livin' in the USA
1225
01:30:48,209 --> 01:30:50,878
Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo doo, doo
1226
01:30:51,003 --> 01:30:53,577
Livin' in the USA
1227
01:30:54,673 --> 01:30:59,134
Hey, we're gonna make it, baby
1228
01:31:00,054 --> 01:31:05,392
Yeah, we got to shake it, baby
1229
01:31:06,143 --> 01:31:12,181
Hey, gonna break it, girl,
yeah, yeah, yeah, girl
1230
01:31:13,776 --> 01:31:16,101
Come on, baby, hey
1231
01:31:16,236 --> 01:31:17,565
Oh, hey
1232
01:31:17,863 --> 01:31:19,737
Oh, hey
1233
01:31:19,865 --> 01:31:23,199
In the USA, baby
1234
01:31:27,456 --> 01:31:30,291
Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo
1235
01:31:30,417 --> 01:31:31,876
Livin' in the USA
1236
01:31:32,002 --> 01:31:33,330
Don't worry about me, babe
1237
01:31:33,462 --> 01:31:35,834
Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo
1238
01:31:36,632 --> 01:31:39,798
Livin' in the USA
Livin' in the USA
1239
01:31:39,927 --> 01:31:42,003
Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo
1240
01:31:42,679 --> 01:31:43,842
Livin' in the USA
1241
01:31:43,972 --> 01:31:45,929
I got to be free
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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