All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0713 - The Wedding Show

Al.

I knew you'd come back.

They all come back.

You're poison, Al.

But you're my kind of poison.

I'm hip.

Pleasure me, baby.

Oh, Al.

How dare you wake me up that way.

Who did you think you were kissing?

You.

I want you to tell me the truth.

Oh, all right.
I was kissing my dream girl.

She was a magnificent young beast
with a great body...

...and luscious hooters.

Oh, Al. You do dream of me.

All too often.

Now, honey,
you might wanna freshen up.

We're going to your cousin
Jimmy's wedding.

All right, open up.

Missed a spot.

There you are.
Now you're all minty fresh.

No tartar under my arms.

Where's my suit?

Oh, God. Men never know
where anything is.

A woman always knows.

Get up, Buck.

Go on. Good boy.

Well, at least it doesn't smell
like you were wearing it.

Where's my dress shirt?

Where it always is, honey.
At the bottom of the hamper.

Let's see here.

All right. Okay. Oh, there we go.

Here you are.

I swear, if your head
wasn't attached to your body...

Yeah, Buck could be sleeping on it.

- This shirt needs to be ironed.
- I don't feel like ironing.

- But it's a wedding, Peg.
- Oh, all right.

Okay.

All right. I hope you're happy.
I'm exhausted.

- Now get dressed.
- What for?

You're gonna make yourself over
for three hours...

...till you look exactly the same way
you do now.

- Where's my socks?
- Right here, sweetheart.

Here you go.

But, Peg, they don't match.

And look here, look at this.

All right, well, let's see.

There you go. Now they match.

Feels good to give something special
for a wedding.

Yeah. They're gonna love
this clock. It's an antique.

Have you seen
our antique cuckoo clock?

Do you have a warrant?

If my sister could form a thought...

...what she meant was, we are sick
of being accused of stealing...

...every time someone jimmies
open your back door...

...and takes a clock
and a pastrami sandwich.

Now, we demand an apology.

Yeah, and it wouldn't hurt to have
pickles in your refrigerator either.

In other words, it wasn't us.

Well, you know, Marcie,
we really don't have any proof.

It's Petey!

See, I told you they stole my clock.

Jefferson, they must be punished.

Something cruel
and highly unpleasant.

How about you sit them down
and talk to them for a while.

That's something
they'll never forget.

So you don't like our little talks?

Well, we're just gonna
have to talk about that.

Admit it, you always hated Petey.

Now, why would I hate something that
pops out every 15 minutes screaming:

Every hour, every day, every week.

It keeps me up half the night.

I've seen Dionne Warwick
and her Psychic Friends Network...

...a thousand times
because of that clock.

And look my eyes.

Look at them. You know how many
cucumbers it takes...

...to keep the puffing
and the swelling down?

Well, I do.

So last spring...

...Petey didn't really just fall
into the toilet bowl, did he?

I hated that clock.

Yes, I tried to kill him!

I wanted him out of my life,
along with your Elvis plates...

...and your whips and your paddles,
and your big...

Okay, honey.

I don't think that's appropriate talk
to have in front of the little thieves.

Where are your parents?

Peg, leave it alone.
It happens to be mine.

But it just hangs lifelessly.

Let me fiddle with it.
I'll straighten it out.

For God's sake, Peg,
you're gonna pull it off!

Now it's too long.

Most women like it that way.

I don't care what women like.
I'm the one gotta lug it around.

How can these children
possibly know right from wrong?

They need a strong male figure
in their life.

What are you gonna do, Marcie,
move in?

What exactly do you mean by that?

Do you think I'm bossy?

Because I don't think I'm bossy.
Not bossy at all, missy.

Are you calling me masculine?

Because I am not masculine.
I'm feminine!

And my softness is out there
for all to see.

Now, if you don't want
a hook to the liver, little man...

...you'll pick up that clock
and march on home!

It's kind of heavy, Marcie.

Just get the door.

I can lift it. Yeah,
and I'll be able to lift it tonight...

...when it comes time
to dump old Petey in the toilet.

Hey, Petey, surfs up.

Which shoes do you like better?

I don't care.

- Which shoes do you like better?
- I don't care.

Come on, Al. I'm your wife.

I'm a reflection of you,
and I wanna look good for you.

Besides, you are a shoe professional,
and I'd like your opinion.

Well, given the color of your hair...

...the color of your dress,
the time of the day...

...and the nature of the event...

...it is my professional opinion that...

Like the gold.

Fine. Then I'll wear the black.

Now hook me up.

Why do women buy clothing
that fastens in the back...

...so they need help to get dressed?

You don't hear men
in the locker room saying:

"Hey, Fred, give me a hand
with this zipper."

Yeah, they're just saying,
"Hey, Fred, smell this.

I don't need a shower, do I?"

So how do I look?

You look nice.

Then I have to change.

I was only kidding you, Peg.
You look terrible.

I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.
Come on, Peg, let's go.

Listen, Kel, I need some help.

There's gonna be some girls
at the wedding...

...and I'm planning
on buttering one up.

Now, what do you think
would be my best pick-up line?

All right. How about this:

"Hey, Miss, I'm the Keebler elf.
Would you like some free cookies?

If you've got the time,
I've got the Hollow Tree."

Yeah, maybe I asked
the wrong person.

You're used to responding to,
"Yo, here."

Oh, okay, you little gibbon.
How about this?

You see a girl,
but before she sees you...

...stand on her feet so she can't run.

Then you say to her:

"You are the most beautiful girl
I have ever seen.

I'd love to share a night
of incredible sex with you.

No names, no questions, no regrets.
Come be one with me."

You really think that's better than:

"Let's do it. I have my own bedroom
in my parents' house"?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh, my God. You guys look so great.
- That dress looks so pretty.

The three of us are gonna make
one beautiful bridesmaid.

Hey, wait,
are we in different colors?

Well, you'd know.
You're the smart one.

- Let's color-coordinate.
- Okay.

Who's he?

I don't know. From up here
he looks like an ant.

Hi.

Where did Corky and Heidi go?

One of them had an idea,
and the others are crowning her queen.

They were supposed
to come right back.

I'm driving them to the church.

See anything you like?

Indeed I do.

I think you're the most
beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I'd like to share a night
of incredible sex with you.

No names, no questions, no regrets.

Come be one with me.

What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.

I was distracted by the pain.

You're standing on my foot.

Did anyone ever tell you how much
you look like the Keebler elf?

Well, you wanna come upstairs
and see how cookies are really made?

What am I saying?
Of course you wouldn't.

Let's go upstairs and bake.

You should come too.

Now, thanks to me, we match.

I think we made an excellent choice.

Nothing says "bridesmaid" or "easy"
like short, black leather.

Hey, Janie's not in the car.

Well, we can't wait for her.
We'll be late.

Relax. They can't start the wedding
without her. She's the bride.

Well, she couldn't have gone anywhere.
Her car's still outside.

I just called Information.
They are morons.

They didn't even know
that Janie was getting married.

They didn't know anything.
They didn't even know who I was.

God, they should call themselves
Stupid-nation.

Well, where could she be?

She's in here with the time lady
and the weather guy...

...and that jerk who just goes... when
you leave the phone off the hook.

Sometimes I wish I could yell real loud
so I wouldn't need a phone at all.

Kel, I was talking about Janie.

God, what could a bride be doing
before her wedding?

Hi, guys.

Bud was just showing me
around the house.

Wow, cool outfits.

Nothing says "bridesmaid" or "easy"
like short, black leather.

Well, come on. Let's get me married.

Aren't you nervous?

Not anymore. I'm loose as a noodle.

Bud?

What did you do?

A gentleman never tells.

I had sex.

With a girl.

And I did it good.

- Oh, my God.
- That's what she said.

Twice.

What? Once when you
got undressed...

...and again when you put on
your bunny slippers?

Save your barbs for someone
who's not getting any.

Like Mom.

I feel good. Yep, I do.

Talk all you want.
Nothing can bring me down.

You just had sex with your
cousin Jimmy's bride.

Well, that did it.

God, I look great.

I am so glad I'm not one of those
women who needs a lot of makeup.

Oh, please.

Only Tammy Faye, Zsa Zsa
and Bozo use more.

Oh, come on, Al.
Admit it. I look great.

Hey, I'd look great too
if I used makeup.

You know, I'd be one
dynamite-looking babe.

In a masculine way.

I could highlight my eyes.
They're my best quality.

Baby blue.

Like Sinatra, Newman, the sea.

Well, maybe my second-best quality.

Because I'm known
for my killer butt.

Oh, yeah. It's very nice, honey...

...and has more hair on it
than your head.

That's because my butt doesn't
wake up in the morning looking at you.

That's not your butt?

Oh, God, we have
so much fun together...

...especially when
we're belittling you.

But you know, I really do...

I think I look as good as I did
the day we got married.

Well, that's your opinion.
You take the calls.

Now, come on, Grumpy.

You know you love me.

Go on. Say it.

I don't want to.

Come on, Al.

I love beer. I love bowling.

I don't wanna cheapen
the meaning of the word.

All right, then. Don't say it.

Just kiss me...

...and make it a good one.

I'd almost kind of rather say it.

Oh, all right.

Oh, Al. Now you've ruined
my makeup.

Oh, I'll have to start all over.

I never thought you'd really kiss me.

- God, what an idiot.
- Oh, now, Peg...

Oh, my God.

I can't go to the wedding.

I must never ever see Janie again.

Although she might kill herself...

...when she finds out
she can never touch this again.

I mean, I know I would
if I couldn't touch me again.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Boy, that really is safe sex.

There's something I have to tell you.
What we did might have been wrong.

You know, with the wedding and all.

Look, I made a mistake. I don't know
how I could have done this.

Don't blame yourself.

Blame God for giving me this body.

No, it was my fault.

I wanted a final fling with someone
I could never be interested in...

...or attracted to.

And you were perfect.

Thanks, baby.

I knew it was perfect.

But you're right.
It can never happen again.

- For Jimmy's sake.
- And ours.

Since we both know
he's a psychopathic ex-con.

- I mean, 10 years for attempted murder.
- That's right. I heard he did a drive-by.

Well, I gotta go now.

Good luck.

I knew you'd come back.

They always come back.

But they don't always
bring their sisters.

Al.

You again.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

And they say women
are the slow ones.

You know, this is an historical first.

We are actually in the bedroom,
and I am waiting for you to finish.

Peg, if I need the time,
I will take the time...

...because I care about
what I look like.

I'm ready.

Honey, do you ever think
what it would be like...

...if we never got married?

Actually, I was thinking that
right now, Peg.

Seriously, Al.

Seriously, Peg.

Oh, come on. Your life would be hell
without me, and you know it.

You couldn't find anyone
better than me.

Come on, admit it.
I'm your perfect mate.

- Admit it.
- No.

All right, then. Why don't
you give me a picture...

...of what your ideal mate would be.

Fine.

A magnificent young girl...

...with a beautiful face, slim thighs...

...and a firm apple of a heinie...

...and a set of delicious,
scrumptious hooters.

Oh, Al, it's me!

Oh, honey,
you would marry me again.

No.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

What a beautiful bride.

Looks like we'll have a little time
before the wedding.

Good. I didn't like
this dress anyhow.