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1
00:00:02,686 --> 00:00:05,280
MAN [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]:
Sterling Archer.
2
00:00:05,455 --> 00:00:08,856
Code name Duchess.
3
00:00:09,526 --> 00:00:10,550
Hm.
4
00:00:10,727 --> 00:00:17,360
Known from Berlin to Bangkok
as the world's most dangerous spy.
5
00:00:17,534 --> 00:00:20,025
So for us, this is... How you say?
6
00:00:21,337 --> 00:00:23,271
- A good get.
7
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,000
But not so good for you, Mr. Archer.
8
00:00:26,176 --> 00:00:29,407
Because you have information
that I want.
9
00:00:29,579 --> 00:00:31,513
And this may be old cliché...
10
00:00:32,082 --> 00:00:33,242
[CRACKLING]
11
00:00:33,850 --> 00:00:37,377
but we have ways of making you talk.
12
00:00:38,388 --> 00:00:39,980
What? Your little go-cart battery?
13
00:00:40,156 --> 00:00:41,384
- Golf cart.
- Whatever.
14
00:00:41,558 --> 00:00:44,254
- Would you pick an accent and stick with it?
- [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Listen here...
15
00:00:44,427 --> 00:00:47,658
WOMAN: Son of a bitch.
- Now you did it.
16
00:00:52,368 --> 00:00:55,826
- What is the point of these simulations...
- Krenshaw's arousal?
17
00:00:56,005 --> 00:00:58,337
If you don't take them seriously?
18
00:00:58,508 --> 00:01:01,443
How can I? Between his lame accent
and the go-cart battery...
19
00:01:01,611 --> 00:01:02,839
- Golf cart.
- Shut up.
20
00:01:03,012 --> 00:01:04,707
And speaking of lame, my code name...
21
00:01:04,881 --> 00:01:07,873
Was chosen at random
by the ISIS computer.
22
00:01:08,051 --> 00:01:09,916
Random? It was your dog's name.
23
00:01:10,086 --> 00:01:11,644
Oh, Duchess.
24
00:01:13,089 --> 00:01:15,148
I loved her so much.
25
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,815
That it was creepy and pathetic?
26
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:19,427
And if you were half as smart
as she was...
27
00:01:19,596 --> 00:01:22,360
She wasn't too smart to die
from eating chocolate, was she?
28
00:01:22,532 --> 00:01:23,760
Exercise terminated.
29
00:01:23,933 --> 00:01:27,198
- All right, that's lunch then.
- Agent performance unsatisfactory.
30
00:01:27,370 --> 00:01:29,804
Oh, come on...
At worst, that was "needs improvement."
31
00:01:29,973 --> 00:01:31,031
- Jesus, Archer.
- What?
32
00:01:31,207 --> 00:01:34,199
- You think this is a game?
- No, I think Jenga is a game.
33
00:01:34,377 --> 00:01:35,901
What if I'd been real KGB?
34
00:01:36,079 --> 00:01:39,207
I assume you'd try to suck a promotion
out of some Russian guy's cock.
35
00:01:39,382 --> 00:01:41,350
- Maybe I never get promoted...
- Never will.
36
00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,349
Because my mommy's not the boss.
37
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,045
And maybe you just got your face
kicked off.
38
00:01:46,222 --> 00:01:49,191
That is my foot in your face.
Smell the embarrass...
39
00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,156
Ow, oh!
40
00:01:51,961 --> 00:01:53,394
Mother, did you see that?
41
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,192
Mother.
42
00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:58,291
Mother.
43
00:02:32,268 --> 00:02:34,259
[PHONE RINGING]
44
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,566
[ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS]
45
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:43,871
ARCHER [ON RECORDING]:
Leave a message at the tone.
46
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,306
Um... Tone.
47
00:02:46,482 --> 00:02:50,145
MAN:
This is Four-Five-Six Laundry.
Your shirts are ready... for a week.
48
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,288
Oh, no.
49
00:02:52,455 --> 00:02:53,820
- Good morning.
- Hey, you.
50
00:02:53,990 --> 00:02:55,514
I'm so hungry.
51
00:02:55,692 --> 00:02:58,923
Just give me five minutes on my backhand
then we'll see if there's a...
52
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:03,259
- Is that a dog? Is it a dog?
- Oui, that is Abelard.
53
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,196
Oh, adorable.
Now get the hell out of here.
54
00:03:05,368 --> 00:03:07,495
But you promised me breakfast.
55
00:03:07,670 --> 00:03:10,696
You want breakfast?
Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek.
56
00:03:10,874 --> 00:03:12,034
[GASPS]
57
00:03:12,208 --> 00:03:13,470
Get it?
58
00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:14,667
[BARKS]
59
00:03:14,844 --> 00:03:15,868
Thank you, Abelard.
60
00:03:16,045 --> 00:03:17,842
- It's a short list, Woodhouse.
WOODHOUSE: Yes, sir.
61
00:03:18,014 --> 00:03:21,108
- Things we don't allow in. What are they?
- Dogs and your mother.
62
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,650
- That's a very short list, isn't it?
- Yes...
63
00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:26,015
but you were quite insistent...
- What was I?
64
00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:28,020
That an exception be made.
65
00:03:28,191 --> 00:03:33,219
No, no, no, because forget the dog rule,
because this pug is amazing.
66
00:03:33,396 --> 00:03:35,023
Watch this. Abergard, go.
67
00:03:35,198 --> 00:03:36,460
[BARKING]
68
00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:38,198
Do you not hear that?
69
00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:40,692
That's "Puttin' on the Ritz," man.
70
00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:42,861
- I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.
- Yes, sir.
71
00:03:43,039 --> 00:03:45,007
- But I'm not to be trusted, am I?
- No, sir.
72
00:03:45,174 --> 00:03:47,574
Stop. Shut up. I have to go.
73
00:03:47,744 --> 00:03:50,577
But if I find one single dog hair
when I get back...
74
00:03:50,747 --> 00:03:53,011
I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.
75
00:03:53,182 --> 00:03:55,309
Very good, sir.
76
00:03:55,852 --> 00:03:57,820
- I also need you to go buy sand.
- Yes, sir.
77
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,716
I don't know if they grade it but...
78
00:04:02,225 --> 00:04:03,385
Coarse.
79
00:04:10,266 --> 00:04:13,929
One entire whole week
we've been calling you.
80
00:04:14,103 --> 00:04:15,127
Highly unprofessional.
81
00:04:15,305 --> 00:04:18,365
Really? Because I find
your sweatiness unprofessional.
82
00:04:18,841 --> 00:04:20,331
So we have something in common.
83
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,445
Besides the fact
that now both of our shirts reek of curry.
84
00:04:23,613 --> 00:04:27,276
- And when will you settle your account?
- When will you buy some dress shields?
85
00:04:27,450 --> 00:04:32,251
- This is not a dress.
- Are you serious? That's not a dress?
86
00:04:33,990 --> 00:04:36,185
Oh, God, with the curry again.
87
00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:39,089
This shirt smells
like Indira Gandhi's thong.
88
00:04:39,262 --> 00:04:41,230
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES]
89
00:04:41,397 --> 00:04:42,421
[PHONE RINGS]
90
00:04:42,598 --> 00:04:45,396
- Hey, you wanna smell something?
- Swear to God, Mr. Archer...
91
00:04:45,568 --> 00:04:47,866
I have H.R. On speed dial.
- Shut up.
92
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,369
Hey, Krieger, you gotta smell this.
93
00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:53,269
Krieger? Huh.
94
00:04:53,910 --> 00:04:55,434
You geeks wanna smell something?
95
00:04:55,611 --> 00:04:58,307
- Archer, get the hell out.
- What is it with you people?
96
00:04:58,481 --> 00:05:01,075
Try to include people in your life
and then you... Lana.
97
00:05:01,250 --> 00:05:03,582
Hey. Hey, what does this smell like?
98
00:05:03,753 --> 00:05:07,883
Like the dysfunctional asshole
I broke up with six months ago.
99
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,454
Oh, my God. You're amazing.
100
00:05:10,626 --> 00:05:12,093
You are amazing, sweet stuff.
101
00:05:12,261 --> 00:05:14,695
Wanna do it again
and put on some interracial porn?
102
00:05:14,864 --> 00:05:18,857
God, it's like my brain's that tree,
and you're those little cookie elves.
103
00:05:19,035 --> 00:05:20,059
[PHONE RINGS]
104
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:21,260
Just a second.
105
00:05:21,437 --> 00:05:24,565
- No, baby, don't answer that.
- I have to. Sorry, it's Mother.
106
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,175
- Mother, hey. Just a second.
- I cannot believe you.
107
00:05:27,343 --> 00:05:30,540
No, turn it on. I can do both.
108
00:05:31,481 --> 00:05:34,575
- What?
- So don't speak to me, ever.
109
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,585
And while you're not ever speaking to me,
jump up your own ass and die.
110
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:41,690
Oh, rea... After all that H.R. Mediation.
Really?
111
00:05:41,858 --> 00:05:43,985
- Yup.
- After all the hard work Pam did.
112
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:45,525
- Is that Archer?
- Goddamn it.
113
00:05:45,695 --> 00:05:47,026
- Archer, hey.
- Go away.
114
00:05:47,196 --> 00:05:49,187
- About your operations account...
- Not...
115
00:05:49,365 --> 00:05:50,923
- Cyril, not now.
- Yes, now.
116
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,591
- Not a good time.
- You've got serious discrepancies...
117
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,431
in your account.
- No, Cyril.
118
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:59,371
I'm sure you wouldn't use operational funds
for personal expenses.
119
00:06:03,012 --> 00:06:04,377
Come on, 22 black.
120
00:06:04,547 --> 00:06:07,015
Twenty-two black. Twenty-two.
121
00:06:07,183 --> 00:06:09,845
Black. Ass. Son of a bitch. Heh.
122
00:06:10,586 --> 00:06:15,353
Not you, giant African man.
I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink?
123
00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:17,857
How about this expensive prostitute?
124
00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:20,291
That is a very serious implication, Cyril.
125
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,055
Well, so is embezzlement.
126
00:06:22,231 --> 00:06:26,292
Yeah? Well, so is the fact that you,
some crazy-how, are screwing my ex.
127
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,733
- Archer, please. That's private.
- Not calm enough?
128
00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:30,896
You all know about Cyril and Lana, right?
129
00:06:31,074 --> 00:06:34,373
Of course, because if Pam knows,
then everybody knows...
130
00:06:34,544 --> 00:06:37,536
because of Pam's huge mouth.
Right, Pam?
131
00:06:37,713 --> 00:06:41,809
H.R. Mediations are supposed
to be confidential, Pam, you manatee.
132
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:46,016
- And as for you, Cyril, good day, sir.
- Archer.
133
00:06:46,189 --> 00:06:49,317
Hey, wait. What about your account?
Oh, I get it.
134
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,357
Classic misdirection.
135
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:53,424
[CRYING]
136
00:06:53,596 --> 00:06:56,360
ARCHER:
No, don't. You're so ugly when you cry.
137
00:06:56,866 --> 00:06:58,060
- Mr. Archer.
- I'm fine.
138
00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:00,259
Is she in or out eating a baby?
139
00:07:00,436 --> 00:07:03,098
- You stood me up again last night.
- Last...?
140
00:07:03,272 --> 00:07:06,503
Oh, yeah. Oh, my. What happened was...
141
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:10,510
Did you see
Brian's Song?
Same thing pretty much happened.
142
00:07:11,414 --> 00:07:15,043
I helped a guy with cancer.
Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't...
143
00:07:15,218 --> 00:07:16,276
It's Cheryl.
144
00:07:16,452 --> 00:07:19,387
I know, Ca... Cheryl.
So to make it up to you...
145
00:07:19,555 --> 00:07:21,079
[CHERYL INHALES]
146
00:07:21,257 --> 00:07:22,884
- I'm ready.
...could you buzz me in?
147
00:07:23,059 --> 00:07:26,426
Ugh. Is that all you have to say?
148
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,896
Yes.
149
00:07:31,467 --> 00:07:33,196
Now tell me again how...
150
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,099
No, not that part. Go back. Yes.
151
00:07:36,439 --> 00:07:40,808
The pepper. Oh, yes, God. Oh, God.
152
00:07:40,977 --> 00:07:43,445
Oh, goddamn it.
153
00:07:43,613 --> 00:07:45,604
What the hell are you doing?
154
00:07:45,781 --> 00:07:46,907
What are you doing?
155
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:49,415
L... I'm...
156
00:07:49,585 --> 00:07:53,180
For your information, I've just been
reviewing your operations account.
157
00:07:53,356 --> 00:07:55,483
- No. No. No.
- Yes. Yes.
158
00:07:55,658 --> 00:07:56,989
- Yes. Yes.
- No. No.
159
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,957
And it makes for fascinating reading.
160
00:07:59,128 --> 00:08:00,652
- No.
- Let's see.
161
00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:03,560
You turned in an expense report
from Berlin...
162
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,167
where the German desk says
you never checked in.
163
00:08:06,335 --> 00:08:08,633
- Oh, Berlin was...
- Ditto Buenos Aires.
164
00:08:08,804 --> 00:08:10,601
- Too busy to check in?
- There was... Yeah.
165
00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:11,797
Already off to Monaco?
166
00:08:11,974 --> 00:08:14,943
- I'm spying.
- Or was it Mallorca? Oh.
167
00:08:15,111 --> 00:08:18,012
- Or Tunis?
- Tunis kind of rings a bell.
168
00:08:18,181 --> 00:08:20,775
ISIS isn't your own personal
travel agency.
169
00:08:20,950 --> 00:08:25,114
It doesn't exist just so you can jet off
to Whore Island.
170
00:08:25,288 --> 00:08:27,620
That's not a real place.
171
00:08:27,790 --> 00:08:31,419
I have 50 agents who'd literally kill
to move up to your position.
172
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,324
If you don't square
your operations account by Monday...
173
00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:37,762
they won't need to.
Your position will be vacant.
174
00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:41,598
- Sterling.
- Hm? Sorry. I was picturing Whore Island.
175
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:43,033
Have I made myself clear?
176
00:08:43,206 --> 00:08:45,800
Are you...?
You're looking for the answer "yes"?
177
00:08:45,975 --> 00:08:47,408
- Yes. Good.
- Then, yes.
178
00:08:47,577 --> 00:08:48,601
Then get out.
179
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,144
And for God's sake, take a shower.
180
00:08:51,314 --> 00:08:52,941
Smells like a whorehouse in here.
181
00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:54,377
Okay. Your own fingers.
182
00:08:54,550 --> 00:08:56,142
- Hm?
- Nothing.
183
00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:58,776
Johnny Bench called.
184
00:09:02,725 --> 00:09:03,749
So here's the thing.
185
00:09:03,926 --> 00:09:07,555
I need to access my operations account
and you're preventing that.
186
00:09:07,730 --> 00:09:11,496
Now, we can do this easy
or we can do it hard.
187
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:15,194
Your call. No? Hard it is then.
188
00:09:17,573 --> 00:09:18,597
[MAN YELLS]
189
00:09:18,774 --> 00:09:20,639
- Oh, God, sorry.
MAN: Goddamn it, Archer.
190
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,677
- I forgot that... Did I get you?
MAN: What is wrong with you?
191
00:09:23,846 --> 00:09:27,839
Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand,
have a bullet inside you.
192
00:09:28,017 --> 00:09:31,578
- I see the foot's all better.
- And I see you're still a hatchet-face prick.
193
00:09:31,754 --> 00:09:34,518
- Do you see that sign?
- Do you see that sign?
194
00:09:35,891 --> 00:09:39,827
- Well...
- That's why. So we don't get ants.
195
00:09:41,063 --> 00:09:44,032
Because when your co-workers
put food in the refrigerator...
196
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,498
that's a bond of trust, okay?
197
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:50,533
And if you violate that trust, or the food,
there's...
198
00:09:50,706 --> 00:09:52,901
There's my favorite section head.
199
00:09:53,075 --> 00:09:55,771
I am dealing
with the break room problem.
200
00:09:55,945 --> 00:09:59,108
Oh, good. You caught the...
Oh, wait I had something for this.
201
00:09:59,282 --> 00:10:00,874
- The Pita Predator.
- You know what?
202
00:10:01,050 --> 00:10:02,950
Sorry. Let's just call it what it is.
203
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,517
- Food rapist.
- Not a pretty name, is it?
204
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,657
Pam, if you want some food
that's supposed to be cream-filled...
205
00:10:08,824 --> 00:10:10,883
I offer these delicious doughnuts.
206
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:12,527
PAM: Yeah?
- In exchange for a favor.
207
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:13,753
- A favor?
- Yeah.
208
00:10:13,929 --> 00:10:16,056
After how you treated me?
209
00:10:16,232 --> 00:10:18,962
- **** your dolphin, Pam.
LANA: Archer, she's down, all right?
210
00:10:19,135 --> 00:10:21,228
- Your ******* dolphin.
LANA: She's tapping out.
211
00:10:21,404 --> 00:10:22,894
- You.
- I think she peed.
212
00:10:23,072 --> 00:10:25,267
I had to get three stitches.
213
00:10:25,441 --> 00:10:27,932
And I broke my watch.
And I'm sorry for that.
214
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:31,671
- Three...
- But I need your help, Pam, because I'm...
215
00:10:31,847 --> 00:10:34,611
um, conducting a mole hunt.
216
00:10:34,784 --> 00:10:35,978
- Aah.
- Gasp you should...
217
00:10:36,152 --> 00:10:38,950
because if you let me
in the mainframe, I'll drop these doughnuts.
218
00:10:39,121 --> 00:10:43,615
Then you can pretend they're marbles
and you're a hungry, hungry...
219
00:10:45,961 --> 00:10:48,191
hungry hippo.
220
00:10:48,364 --> 00:10:52,926
Lana. Hey, I know I'm supposed to be
up my own ass right now but...
221
00:10:54,470 --> 00:10:56,131
- Oh, is that what you want?
LANA: Yup.
222
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:59,138
- Because that's how you get ants.
LANA: Yay.
223
00:10:59,608 --> 00:11:01,769
Cyril, my favorite section head.
224
00:11:01,944 --> 00:11:05,311
- What do you want?
- To apologize for my behavior.
225
00:11:05,481 --> 00:11:06,914
- Well...
- And also to...
226
00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,450
- What are you doing?
- Oh, just dicing veggies for dinner.
227
00:11:10,619 --> 00:11:13,315
- I always make Lana stir-fry on Friday.
- Neat. Listen...
228
00:11:13,489 --> 00:11:16,686
- Guess what we call it.
- Stir Friday?
229
00:11:17,626 --> 00:11:19,856
- Wow, that's actually better.
- Yup.
230
00:11:20,029 --> 00:11:22,224
It's all yours.
So come let me in the mainframe.
231
00:11:22,398 --> 00:11:24,958
Is this about your operations account?
232
00:11:25,134 --> 00:11:26,499
- No. Cyril...
- Yeah?
233
00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:28,694
I'm on a top-secret mole hunt.
234
00:11:28,871 --> 00:11:30,304
Oh, yeah, Pam mentioned that.
235
00:11:30,473 --> 00:11:32,941
- Wha...? When?
- Well, she called a minute ago.
236
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:36,442
- You know how Pam loves to gossip.
- Yeah. I need rug marbles. I know.
237
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,409
- Come let me into the mainframe.
- Okay.
238
00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:42,312
- I need to confirm this with your mother.
- No. No. I mean, what? Cyril.
239
00:11:43,052 --> 00:11:45,953
- What if she is the mole? Think about it.
- Your own mother.
240
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,989
Think what that would do to me
if we had to kill her...
241
00:11:49,158 --> 00:11:52,855
- Archer.
...by stabbing her wrinkly neck...
242
00:11:53,028 --> 00:11:55,690
with a knife?
- Yeah. I can't let you in there.
243
00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:58,197
Can't or won't?
244
00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:00,968
- Either?
- And after I gave you Stir Friday.
245
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,468
- That is much better.
- I know.
246
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:05,630
- But if you wanna access the mainframe...
- What?
247
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,208
I guess you'd have to break in.
248
00:12:09,345 --> 00:12:13,076
Break in to the ISIS mainframe.
249
00:12:13,249 --> 00:12:17,481
Which is obviously ludicrous.
As is this baby corn.
250
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,780
What is that about? Archer?
251
00:12:20,356 --> 00:12:24,554
ARCHER:
ISIS headquarters makes Fort Knox
look like a gingerbread house.
252
00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,285
Only two means of ingress.
253
00:12:26,462 --> 00:12:31,024
The first, at street level.
Impenetrable after 6.
254
00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,861
The second, through an access door
on the roof.
255
00:12:34,036 --> 00:12:36,561
Inexplicably unprotected.
256
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:41,109
But even if you zip-lined across...
257
00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:42,767
... reached the access door...
258
00:12:42,945 --> 00:12:45,209
... and somehow made it
into ISIS headquarters...
259
00:12:45,381 --> 00:12:48,714
... you'd still have to find the mainframe.
260
00:12:49,118 --> 00:12:51,450
But, wait, it gets worse.
261
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,348
Inside, there are three
countermeasure systems.
262
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:56,787
The first is pressure sensitive in the floor.
263
00:12:56,959 --> 00:12:58,426
Even a mouse triggers it.
264
00:12:58,594 --> 00:13:02,963
The second is sound sensitive.
Anything above a whisper sets it off.
265
00:13:03,132 --> 00:13:06,397
And the third system
is state-of-the-art voice activation.
266
00:13:06,569 --> 00:13:09,094
Cyril Figgis.
267
00:13:09,271 --> 00:13:10,602
[DOOR BEEPS]
268
00:13:12,741 --> 00:13:15,073
ARCHER: So, obviously,
it would be a lot easier for me...
269
00:13:15,244 --> 00:13:19,374
if you just disabled all that
when you left work tonight... somehow.
270
00:13:19,548 --> 00:13:24,485
- Ooh. That would make me uncomfortable.
- Yeah.
271
00:13:24,653 --> 00:13:26,917
Oh, God,
everything makes you uncomfortable.
272
00:13:28,424 --> 00:13:29,823
Just the tip?
273
00:13:29,992 --> 00:13:31,584
Just the tip.
274
00:13:31,861 --> 00:13:33,761
Just the tip.
275
00:13:34,029 --> 00:13:36,156
How was I to know
you're lactose intolerant?
276
00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:37,697
Because I kept screaming it.
277
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:38,993
- Well, what?
- And this...
278
00:13:39,168 --> 00:13:40,601
I'm just a secretary.
279
00:13:40,769 --> 00:13:44,671
- I don't have access to security whatevers.
- What?
280
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,308
- Then get them from Cyril.
- How would I do that?
281
00:13:47,476 --> 00:13:51,503
- Seduce him or Pam, or both.
- I can't do that.
282
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,272
- Can't or won't?
- Either.
283
00:13:53,449 --> 00:13:56,145
That's how you wanna play it? Fine.
284
00:13:56,619 --> 00:13:59,315
- Are you gonna pay for your lunch?
- Just the tip.
285
00:13:59,488 --> 00:14:00,819
[CHERYL SCOFFS]
286
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:03,782
Actually, I don't have any cash.
287
00:14:04,527 --> 00:14:08,827
Can you get it? Sorry.
I also need cab fare.
288
00:14:08,998 --> 00:14:10,124
[CHERYL SNIFFLES]
289
00:14:10,299 --> 00:14:11,823
Oh, ugly duckling.
290
00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:13,730
Bock, bock.
291
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,934
ARCHER:
So thanks for nothing, Carol.
292
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:23,135
Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters
in a $900 turtleneck.
293
00:14:23,312 --> 00:14:24,540
And if it gets ruined...
294
00:14:24,713 --> 00:14:28,149
I'm gonna make you drink
heavy cream, you...
295
00:14:28,317 --> 00:14:29,341
Carol.
296
00:14:34,189 --> 00:14:36,817
Wow, that was actually pretty easy.
Thanks, new turtleneck.
297
00:14:36,992 --> 00:14:38,357
[CLOTH RIPS]
298
00:14:38,527 --> 00:14:40,392
Oh, and thank you, duffel bag.
299
00:14:40,563 --> 00:14:42,360
Jesus, what else could go wrong?
300
00:14:46,902 --> 00:14:48,893
[PHONE DIALING]
301
00:14:51,006 --> 00:14:53,406
Exactly. You're not Archer.
That's what's so great about you.
302
00:14:53,576 --> 00:14:54,770
[PHONE RINGING]
303
00:14:54,944 --> 00:14:56,536
And the fact
your mother died in a fire.
304
00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:59,177
- What?
- I said where are we on that stir-fry?
305
00:14:59,348 --> 00:15:01,475
Agent Kane. What?
306
00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:02,708
Yes, confirmed.
307
00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:06,821
Confirmed a naughty nellie's breaking
our after-work phone rule.
308
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,287
- Cyril, there's been a break-in at ISIS.
- What?
309
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:11,323
- Think it's the mole?
- God, you and Pam...
310
00:15:11,493 --> 00:15:13,324
- Pam's all right.
- Wow.
311
00:15:13,495 --> 00:15:15,224
Okay. I've got to go.
312
00:15:15,397 --> 00:15:17,763
- But it's Stir Friday.
- Hurray.
313
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:22,369
- But if I'm not here...
- Yeah.
314
00:15:23,105 --> 00:15:26,700
Because after three months
of whatever it is we're doing...
315
00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:29,810
it's weird that you can't leave me alone
in your apartment.
316
00:15:29,979 --> 00:15:32,777
- I know I have trust issues, all right?
- But it's...
317
00:15:32,948 --> 00:15:35,143
- It's Archer's fault I'm like this.
- Here we go.
318
00:15:35,317 --> 00:15:38,343
- All of those years of lying and cheating.
- It's fine.
319
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,215
That thing with the mayonnaise.
320
00:15:40,389 --> 00:15:42,448
- How messed up he is about his mother.
- Fine.
321
00:15:42,625 --> 00:15:45,059
Do you know he called out her name once
when we f...?
322
00:15:45,227 --> 00:15:48,754
CYRIL:
Fine!
323
00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:52,930
- And here we are. All fine.
- Cyril, come on, hon, please?
324
00:15:53,102 --> 00:15:54,126
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
325
00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:55,895
Now who's a naughty nellie?
326
00:15:56,071 --> 00:15:57,129
- Hello?
ARCHER:
Hi, who's this?
327
00:15:57,306 --> 00:15:58,967
Cyril Figgis.
328
00:15:59,141 --> 00:16:00,870
I'm sorry. Did you say Faggis?
329
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:03,568
- Figgis. Figgis.
- Who is it? Better not be Pam.
330
00:16:03,746 --> 00:16:05,805
ARCHER:
Not Faggis?
- Figgis. I was very clear.
331
00:16:05,981 --> 00:16:08,313
Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock
and my name is...
332
00:16:08,484 --> 00:16:10,281
CYRIL [ON RECORDING]:
Cyril Figgis.
333
00:16:10,452 --> 00:16:11,783
[DOOR BEEPS]
334
00:16:13,789 --> 00:16:16,724
Holy shit. Our security is atrocious.
335
00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,621
Seriously, it's really bad.
336
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:20,585
Password.
337
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:24,525
Hm. Password. How about "guest"?
338
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:26,167
No way.
339
00:16:26,335 --> 00:16:30,965
It can't be.
Jesus Christ, that is just Baby Town frolics.
340
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:35,236
Okay, operations account.
Just how deep in the red am I?
341
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,902
Out of my mind. Oh, no.
342
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,947
How? How did I spend that much money?
343
00:16:41,283 --> 00:16:43,945
Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse.
That's why I bought 10.
344
00:16:44,119 --> 00:16:45,609
Now arrange those by color.
345
00:16:45,788 --> 00:16:47,483
These are all black.
346
00:16:47,656 --> 00:16:53,117
Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black
and five in a slightly darker black?
347
00:16:53,295 --> 00:16:56,890
And now I'm short
a slightly darker black one.
348
00:16:57,066 --> 00:16:59,534
So let's just put all my expenses...
349
00:16:59,702 --> 00:17:03,695
into some pathetic idiot's account
by the name of...
350
00:17:05,007 --> 00:17:06,941
Oh, Krenshaw.
351
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,737
- Oh. Now that's not very nice.
- Oh, God.
352
00:17:09,912 --> 00:17:14,940
Hey, I was... I was just talking about you.
And about how this isn't what it looks like.
353
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,608
- A lot of that going around.
- Yeah. It's an epidemic.
354
00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:21,017
For example, my real name is Kremenski.
355
00:17:21,190 --> 00:17:24,387
- Is that sound...? Is that Jewish?
- It's Russian.
356
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,357
Um...
357
00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:29,459
- Russian-Jewish?
- I'm the mole, idiot.
358
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,189
What? I made up the mole.
359
00:17:31,366 --> 00:17:34,802
Yes, but you told Pam
and now everyone is looking for a real mole.
360
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,164
God, do we hate Pam.
361
00:17:36,338 --> 00:17:38,238
- So I have to escape.
- And irony.
362
00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:40,568
Thanks for breaking
into the mainframe for me.
363
00:17:40,743 --> 00:17:43,610
- Double irony.
- I'll need 50,000 for travel expenses.
364
00:17:43,779 --> 00:17:45,474
- Fifty thousand?
- From your account.
365
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:49,378
- That's too much.
- It's all last-minute bookings for two.
366
00:17:49,551 --> 00:17:52,247
Wha...? Oh.
367
00:17:52,421 --> 00:17:55,549
Because when I hand
the notorious Duchess to the KGB...
368
00:17:55,724 --> 00:17:58,352
I won't just get a promotion,
I'll get my own dacha.
369
00:17:58,527 --> 00:18:00,688
- Too bad you'll never see it.
- What the...?
370
00:18:00,863 --> 00:18:02,455
[GRUNTING]
371
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:04,359
Lana, Krenshaw's a mole.
372
00:18:04,533 --> 00:18:07,093
And his name's not really Krenshaw,
it's Kremenski.
373
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:10,864
Definitely Russian, possibly a Jew.
I don't know. Thoughts?
374
00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:13,530
Yeah. Shut up. And you, drop it.
375
00:18:13,709 --> 00:18:16,041
- Or what?
- No, no, no. Do not wind her up.
376
00:18:16,211 --> 00:18:18,941
That is a big gun, and she is baby crazy.
377
00:18:19,581 --> 00:18:22,072
- Baby crazy?
- That's why I dumped her.
378
00:18:22,251 --> 00:18:24,276
- You little... You sack of shit.
- What? What?
379
00:18:24,453 --> 00:18:29,322
I dumped you because you're dragging
around a 35-year-old umbilical cord.
380
00:18:29,491 --> 00:18:33,393
See? All you talk about is baby shit
because you're baby crazy.
381
00:18:33,562 --> 00:18:36,554
- You wanna see crazy?
- No, I've seen that movie...
382
00:18:36,732 --> 00:18:40,725
and spoiler alert,
it ends with a closetful of my suits on fire.
383
00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:44,771
- I wish you'd been wearing one.
- Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?
384
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:46,805
- Cosplay enthusiasts.
- What?
385
00:18:46,975 --> 00:18:50,274
Do you even hear
how totally batshit insane you sound?
386
00:18:50,445 --> 00:18:51,776
I'll tell you what I hear.
387
00:18:51,947 --> 00:18:53,278
[ELEVATOR CLOSES]
388
00:18:53,448 --> 00:18:55,439
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]
389
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,046
Yeah, please keep talking.
390
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,384
So why are you sitting here in the car
eating stir-fry?
391
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:06,654
Oh, it's Stir Friday. And Lana said to.
392
00:19:06,829 --> 00:19:08,558
MALORY: Krenshaw?
- Ms. Archer?
393
00:19:08,730 --> 00:19:11,824
- What's this flap about a break-in?
- Mother, look out.
394
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,092
Krenshaw is a mole.
395
00:19:13,268 --> 00:19:16,499
Oh, Pam's just full of crap
as she is of carbohydrates.
396
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,766
- Now... Hey.
- Not this time, you impossible bitch.
397
00:19:19,942 --> 00:19:21,807
Also, you should all be nicer to Pam.
398
00:19:21,977 --> 00:19:24,468
- I am always nice to her.
- To her face.
399
00:19:24,646 --> 00:19:27,740
- Why aren't you in the car?
- Will somebody do something?
400
00:19:28,784 --> 00:19:30,274
What are you doing, you idiot?
401
00:19:30,452 --> 00:19:32,750
Shut up. It's classic misdirection.
402
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,357
CYRIL: Looks like we've got
a Mexican standoff, Kremenski.
403
00:19:36,525 --> 00:19:38,356
How is this a Mexican standoff?
404
00:19:38,527 --> 00:19:41,121
- Dumb-ass.
KREMENSKI: I don't care if you shoot her.
405
00:19:41,296 --> 00:19:45,027
- I do.
- But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?
406
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,031
MALORY: Sterling?
- Yes.
407
00:19:47,202 --> 00:19:49,670
- Picture her dead in the gutter...
- Sterling.
408
00:19:49,838 --> 00:19:53,968
And what your pathetic life will be like
without old Mommy dearest.
409
00:19:54,142 --> 00:19:55,541
Jesus Christ.
410
00:19:55,711 --> 00:19:57,406
CYRIL: What is it?
- He's got an erection.
411
00:19:57,579 --> 00:20:00,104
MALORY: What?
- What the hell is wrong with you people?
412
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,442
[GUNSHOTS]
413
00:20:02,317 --> 00:20:04,945
Nothing. You, on the other hand...
Ow. Ow.
414
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,678
- An erection?
- Ow. Hey.
415
00:20:06,855 --> 00:20:08,083
What's in there, buckles?
416
00:20:08,257 --> 00:20:11,090
The thought of me dead
gives you an erection?
417
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:12,989
No, just half of one.
418
00:20:13,161 --> 00:20:17,063
The other half would have really
missed you. I mean, not...
419
00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:18,560
- Oh.
- Ugh.
420
00:20:18,734 --> 00:20:20,361
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
421
00:20:20,535 --> 00:20:22,025
Johnny Bench called.
422
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:25,740
Yep. See here, Krenshaw just stole 50,000
from Archer's account.
423
00:20:25,908 --> 00:20:29,344
- Must have been doing it all along.
- Apology accepted, ass douche.
424
00:20:29,511 --> 00:20:31,411
- What?
LANA: Call him that again...
425
00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:33,013
- Make me.
LANA: What?
426
00:20:33,181 --> 00:20:35,149
- Do you see this?
- I just don't understand.
427
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:39,048
- This is a hostile work environment.
- I would have known if we had a mole.
428
00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:40,654
- How?
- How what, dear?
429
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,848
- How could you know if we had a mole?
- Um...
430
00:20:44,026 --> 00:20:47,655
Then I am taking hot pepper...
431
00:20:48,196 --> 00:20:52,997
and slowly I am rubbing it around...
MALORY [OVER PHONE]:
Goddamn it.
432
00:20:53,235 --> 00:20:55,863
Hello? Darling?
433
00:20:56,138 --> 00:21:00,199
- Who was this?
- Who are you, Comrade Question?
434
00:21:00,375 --> 00:21:02,343
And who are you, Comrade Questions?
435
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:03,739
- Comrade...?
- Oh, shut up.
436
00:21:03,912 --> 00:21:05,345
You and your erection.
437
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:08,074
- And why are there doughnuts everywhere?
- Lana did that.
438
00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:12,550
Do you want ants?
Because that's how you get ants.
439
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:32,629
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]
440
00:21:32,679 --> 00:21:37,229
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