All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S06E25.The.First.Six.Years.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS-ing

- And I know
you weren't there today,

But wouldn't you agree
that sometimes--

And I'm not saying
all the time--

But sometimes marie
can be critical of me?

Frank?

Come on!

- I feel I identify most
with robert.

- When we got in a fight,

I would sit on him
until he got tired,

Because I knew
if I ever let him up,

He'd kill me.

- You know...

He was kind of a nerd.

So when he would--

When they would kind of say,

"well, do what
your older brother does,"

I'd kind of in my mind go,
"why? He's such a geek."

- Like--like show up
to class?

- Yeah. That sort of stuff.

- When did he get this?

- Oh, that's an award
your brother got

For his sports column.

- It never ends
for raymond.

- Oh, poor robbie.

- Everybody loves raymond.

I go to work,
people shoot at me.

Ray goes to work,
people do the wave.

- Dude, you are so weird.

- Am I, raymond?

Am I?

- Hey, could you, uh...

Put a shirt on?

And some underpants?

- Excuse me.

I believe
this is my bed.

- All right, but come on.

A guy gets in bed with you,
you put some pants on.

- All right, timmy,
now, let's behave ourself.

We're here to teach
traffic school.

- Oh, yeah, right.

Okay, let's see.
Who can answer this?

When you're behind
another vehicle,

What is the proper
following distance?

Frank?

- Well, if the guy's
going real slow,

I like to be
right on his butt.

So if he looks back,
he can read my lips.

- No, dad, it is one car length
per 10 miles of speed.

Heh-heh, yeah.

Remind me
to never drive with you,

You crazy old bastard.

- Oh! Oh!

- What the hell's goin' on?

- Ohh...Ohh...

Ohh...Ohh...

Why, robbie, why?

How could you,
in raymond's basement?

- Marie, it's not
what you think!

- Uh-huh.

What are you doin'?

- Ah, nothin'.

Just here to help out ally

With her report
on harriet tubman.

You know,
it's "black history month."

- Uh, yeah, yeah.
Thank you...

Superfly.

- What?

- Nothin', it's just, uh,

Never seen ya so...

Styling.

- Just some new clothes,
that's all.

Got to get out more,
mah brother.

All right.
Now, let's move on, timmy.

Don't you have
a question for ma?

Sure.

Marie, is it?
- Yeah.

- Hi, marie. Okay.

Now, when you get
into the car,

What are you supposed to do

Before you begin driving?

- Oh, I know that.
You buckle your seat belt.

- Good.

- And you check your mirrors.

- Very good.

Anything else?

- No, I think that's it.

- Oh, that's it.

She thinks that's it.

Isn't--isn't that everything,
timmy?

Oh, yeah, sure,
that's everything.

But how 'bout makin' sure

Your first-born child
is in the car

Before you pull out
of a gas station in new mexico?

- Well, that's awfully specific.

- Robbie,
that was 30 years ago.

- I don't have
a problem with it.

- Uh-oh.

- Oh, thank you so much.

- And this fax
came for you, sir.

- So as I was saying--

- Is this a joke?

- Excuse me?

- "dear fbi agent garfield,

"I'm writing to ask
for your understanding.

"you have an interview
this morning with my son,

Robert barone."

- What? What? What?

Oh! Robbie!

You scared me.

How did your interview go?

- Come here,
let me tell you about it.

- My dad did the dishes.
My dad dusted.

He was a--
he was good around the house.

My mom instructed him.

- My mother and father had--

Had the times of their lives
yelling at each other.

It was my father
who would say to my mother,

"jeanette, stifle yourself!"

- My father used to do--

Instead of, like,
swearing at us,

He would, like, do it
underneath his breath.

He'd say,
"would you turn up the..."

- We like it
when bald guys win.

- Yeah.
- Just in general.

- When was the last time

That you said,
"I love you" to...

Anybody?

- "I love you"?

- Yeah.

- What, do you live

In a freakin' fairyland
or something?

Can't you ever
just be quiet?

- Don't you tell me
to be quiet!

I have a mind of my own,
you know.

I can contribute.

I'm not just some...
Trophy wife.

- You're a trophy wife?

What contest in hell
did I win?

You were vacuuming?

- Yeah. What?

I help out
around the house sometimes.

- That's nice.
Do you dust too,

With a little feather duster...

Nancy?

- You know, dad...

Sometimes when you talk
like that,

People could get offended.

- Offended by what?

- Nothin'. Nothin'.
Forget about it.

- No. What?

- Nothin'. It's just--

When you say "nancy,"
what are you implying exactly?

- That your name
should be nancy.

- And when you say "nancy,"

That's your word for "gay."

- Very well.

- And you mean that
as an insult?

- Yes, I believe I do.

- Well, that--that's not nice.

- That's why
it's a good insult.

- Why did you tell me
it was only once a year?

- Because this whole topic
is improper.

What we do in our bedroom
is our own business,

And I prefer not to be known
as the whore of lynbrook.

- We can move
from lynbrook.

Is, uh, anybody
eating this?

- No, frank.

You know what?
You can have it.

At least someone
appreciates it.

- Hey,
I appreciate--

- Thank you for the flowers,
frank.

- Anyone who can make
braciole like this

Deserves a whole hillside

Full of heavenly scented
marigolds and daffodils.

- Wasp.

- Aah!
- Aah!

- That's gonna need
another coat.

- It's between you and debra,

And you should go over there

And read that yourself

And let me out.

- We have no secrets
in this family.

Keep reading, frank.

- With pleasure.

"just because we are family

"and happen also
to be neighbors

"does not give you the right
to constantly interfere

In every aspect of my life..."

"from raising my children

To my choice
of liquid fabric softener."

- I want you guys
to know right now

That debra has
a drinking problem.

- Keep reading.

Keep reading.

- Stop it!

"I'm sure you don't
even realize

"when you're being overbearing,
critical,

And intrusive."

Is this a petition?

Where do I sign?

- Frank, you want
your ice cream or not?

- He's not here, ma.

- Where'd he go?

I left my heart

In san francisco

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

My wife thinks
I'm in the bathroom.

high on a hill...

- The one thing that my parents
do that--they don't listen.

They do not listen.

They feel that even though

They've got this title,

This mom and dad,

They don't want to hear
anything logic at all.

- Well, I identify totally
with the mother on "raymond,"

Because I've been told
by five or six people

At different occasions
that I am her or she is me.

However you want to say it.

- If I blew up a bank

And wiped out every employee
in the bank,

And they ran to my mother,
she would say,

"maybe they made a mistake
in his checking account."

- Your birthday gift to me

Finally came this morning.

And did you know
you sent me a box of pears

From a place called
fruit of the month?

- That's right. That's right.
How are they?

- Oh, they're very nice pears.

But there's so many of them.

There are over a dozen pears.

What am I supposed to do
with all those pears?

- Well, I think you're supposed
to eat 'em, ma.

- Myself?
- You--you and dad and robert.

- How many pears
can robert eat?

Look, I appreciate
the thought, raymond.

But please, don't ever send us
any more fruit again, okay?

Thanks, darling.

- Well, another box
is coming next month.

- What? More pears?

- No, no, it's a different fruit
every month.

- Every month?

- Yes, yes,
that's why they call it

Fruit of the month club.

- It's a club?

Oh, my, what are we gonna
do with all this fruit?

- Most people like it, ma!

You share it--share it
with all your friends.

- Which friends?
- I don't know.

Lee and stan.

- Lee and stan
buy their own fruit.

- Well, give it away.

- Why did you do this to me?

- Oh, my god.
- I can't talk.

There's too much fruit
in the house.

Ray, we told you
you were a good writer

So that you would think
you were a good writer.

See?
Then somebody gave you a job.

That's what parents do.

They all lie to their kids
for their own good.

- But other parents
aren't lying, ma.

They believe
in their children.

- No, they don't.

- Oh, man.

What a day.

I had this interview with ewing,

You know,
and he's late.

He's three hours late,
and I had to wait for him.

Oh, I am tired, sweetness.

Oh, yeah. Oh...

Oh, baby,
does that feel good.

Oh.

Come here.

What are you doing?

- Trying to help you relax.

Did you say

That you like amy
more than debra?

- I am not...

Saying that.

- What?

- I am not saying

That I like amy
more than debra.

- I know.
I know you're not saying it now.

But did you say it ever?

What if I told you

That we have a tape
of you saying it, ma?

- Give me the tape.

- You should ask debra
how she makes this.

- I should ask debra?

I should ask debra?

Give me that.

Raymond, do you see
what they see?

- Um...

- Tell me the truth.

- Well...

Maybe if I squint a little.

- Oh, my god,
I'm a lesbian.

- Sorry, debra, I just don't
know what you want from me.

- Oh, here, honey,
let me get that for you.

- You know what I want?

I want you to be
a part of the family.

I want you to help,

Or I want you to at least
want to help, okay?

I want you to be more like--

Like her!

- Like who?

- I do like the fact that debra
is home with her kids.

- Well, the biggest fight
I ever had with my husband

Had to be
over my mother-in-law,

Because he would
never tell her

To stop being nasty to me

And to have
a little respect for me,

Because he's a mama's boy,
but he doesn't think he is.

- Well, he just spent ten hours
with 25 grown-ups,

And I've spoken to kids all day

And watched
"pokemon" and stuff.

I need some adult conversation
before I lose my mind.

- She considers me
adult conversation.

- Yeah, sometimes.

- Oh, my god.
- What? What?

- Oh, my god, the squash.

- What squash?
- The squash.

The squash.
I forgot the squash!

- All right, okay. So what?
- So what? It's the squash--

Ray, it's my only yellow.

Where did I put it?

- I don't know.
I don't know.

- Well, think, ray!
Come on.

- I wasn't here.

I was out not getting
baking powder.

- I need that squash.

- Are you as turned on
as I am right now?

- Ray, I need the squash.

- Is that a "yes"?
- Ray!

- All right!
I don't know where it is.

Here, could this
goopy thing be it?

oh, yes. Yes.

Good. That's it.

- Good.
Calm down.

oh, no...

No...No.

Come on, relax.
Stop.

I'm sorry.

- Stop, you're reacting
to missing squash

Like the time
we left ally at the mall.

- Ray, what is this?

- What?

- This bottle of basil
that your mother gave me

Has another label underneath.

- Ta-rag-on.

- Tarragon.

- Oh, that's your weird taste.

- Uh-huh.

- That's not in a recipe,
is it?

no!

- Oh, my god.

- Aha, okay, ray?
Okay?

That's your mother!
- I don't get it--

- Do you still think

She's trying to help me,
hmm?

- Listen, why would she
go to all that trouble?

Isn't it easier
to leave out an ingredient?

- For an amateur!

My god!
This even looks like basil!

Look at the label.
It fits perfectly on here.

My god, you know, this is
the work of an evil genius.

- I don't get it.
I don't get it.

- You know what I don't get?

I don't get that you couldn't
see my side of this.

You're so busy defending
your saint of a mother

That you make me out

To be some kind of
ungrateful nut case!

Well, who's
the nutcase now, ray?

Who's the nutcase now?

- While I was out today,
I got you somethin'.

I-I really...I want to help you
feel better, you know?

And this should take care
of all your symptoms.

- Except for "bitchy."
right, ray?

- What do you mean?

- I mean there's
nothing in here for bitchy.

- Probably need
a prescription for bitchy.

- If I had p.M.S.--
And I'm not saying that I have--

Is that how you help me?

By taping me,
by telling me I have p.M.S.?

That doesn't help me!
That doesn't help me!

- Well, what do you
want me to do?

I don't know what to do!
Show me what to do!

Just draw it out for me!

- Have you ever thought
about giving me a hug?

- A hug?

- Yes! A hug!

Did you ever think of
hugging me, ya jerk?

- Well, it's pretty hard
to hug someone

Who's trying to kill you!

- Yeah?
Well, it never occurred to you!

You never even
tried it before.

- Well, look!
This is not huggable!

This--this is not debra!

This is the woman
who shows up once a month

To rip into me
like a monkey on a cupcake!

Nothing really seems to be
loose here.

- Oh, sure seemed loose to me.

- You know what?

I can't even tighten these

Anymore really.

- Huh?
I thought it was loose.

- Yeah.

- You know, it looks like I made
too much food here,

If you're hungry.

- Oh.
Yeah?

- Yeah, you want some?

- All right, yeah.

Wrap it up.
I'll eat it in the truck.

- You could...

I mean, you could eat it here
if you want.

- Oh.

Okay.

- You can sit.

- Sit--sit here?

- Yeah, that's great.
- All right.

You need me to help
with anything?

- No, I got it.

- Can I ask you something?

- Yeah, sure.

- Were you making all that food
for someone

And they didn't show up?

- They showed up.

Here you go.

So your family seemed nice.

- Yeah.

Yeah, they seem nice.

I'm only living with them till,
you know--

- Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. This is great.
This is--what is this?

- Oh, it's lemon chicken.

- Oh, man.

Wow.
- Yeah?

You really like it, huh?

- Oh, I could eat this
the rest of my life.

What?

- Nobody's ever really liked

My cooking before.

- Well, they're nuts.
Are you kidding?

This is great.
- Yeah?

- I'll probably--
can I have more?

- Yeah, sure.
- Well, let me get it.

- No, I got it.
I can get it.

Hey, you want something
to drink?

- Yeah. Yeah.
Well, let me get that.

- Okay, the glasses
are right there.

- Okay. Ice?
- Yeah, that'd be great.

- You listen.

If my parents
lit an orphanage on fire

On christmas eve,

They wouldn't be
as bad as your parents!

Huh?
- Yeah.

Dropped the turkey.
Dropped the turkey.

- I think
that he is raymond sometimes.

And I said before
that the reason

That we watch the show
is so that I can say,

"look how dumb you look."

- I said, "honey,
is there something wrong?"

And she said...She said,
"I had a dream last night.

"we were at a party.

"and you spent the entire time
at the party

Dancing with this other girl."

I said, "but it was a dream."

She said, "but it's just
the kind of thing you'd do."

- Did I ever have a fight
with my wife?

Oh, yes.

That one time I was late.

- Oh, see, I love this.
Isn't this romantic?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Right.

- Oh, look who I get.
- Oh.

Oh!

What, did you hit something?

- No.
- Did you hit something?

- No, no. It's still going.

- Then why am I seeing football?

- I-I don't know.

- Where did our wedding go?

- In our presence,
in the sight of god,

They will now share vows
they each have written.

- What are you doing to me here?

Why?
You're killing me.

- I just wanted to let you know
how I was feeling.

- Well, you can't kiss me
like that.

It's christmas.
Ally's up.

My parents are coming over now.
- Sorry. Sorry.

- You've activated
the launch sequence now.

merry christmas!

- Hey. Hey.

- Nice.

We usually hang ours
on the door.

- Go ahead. Go ahead.
Keep laughing.

One of these days,
you'll turn around,

And I won't be here.

Not today.

- You know what I think?

- If I say yes,
do you still have to tell me?

- That's not funny, all right?

That's gonna be funny
when you're up there,

And you're the worst
fairies of the play.

Is that gonna be funny?

Come on.

I've seen the other fairies,
guys.

They put you away, all right?

Oh, this is unbelievable.

- A girl would have been
great too.

But it's a boy!

- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Come here.

I got to tell you
something else.

- I'm dizzy.
- Come here. Look.

Come here.

Okay, there's his
little something.

- Uh-huh. Oh, look at--
- I know, cute, right?

And then there
is another little something.

- What does that mean?

ray, it's--it's twins, ray.

- What?
- Just--two boys.

- What, right now?

- Mm.

- In here?
- Yeah.

Are you happy?

Yeah?

- This is unbelievable.
It's--oh.

I can't--this is--
it's fantastic.

I--somebody has to show me
how to do a cartwheel right now.

- Don't look at me.

- But how does that happen?

Twins don't run
in our family.

I bet it's cause
I switched to boxers, huh?

Oh, did I kiss you already?
- Yeah, but you can--

- Oh, show me again.
- See?

There's a little something.
- Uh-huh.

- And there's
another little something.

- Am I a man, or what?

Ah!

Okay.

What a man and a woman do is--
- no.

I mean, I know that the man
and the woman

Have to do something,

But why are we born?

Why does god put us here?

- Because...That's...

What?

- We all know why
you didn't vote for me, ray,

Because you were afraid
that if I win,

I might get out of this house,

And you might have to
get off your butt

Once in a while
and do something.

You want me locked
in this house.

Your vote
was a vote for slavery.

- I have always spoken out
against slavery.

- Not in this house.
Not in this marriage.

You don't even know
what a marriage is.

A marriage is two people

Supporting each other
no matter what,

Being there for each other
for better or for worse,

Standing next to each other,
standing up for each other

No matter what,
but you don't get that.

And that's why,
at that potluck,

I had to tell people
I didn't even know you.

- What?

You told people
you don't know me?

- Of course, you were acting
like a goofball.

- I don't care what I was doing.

You denied knowing me
at the potluck?

- You were stuffing your pants
with food.

- I'm your husband.

You're supposed to support me

No matter what's in my pants.

Huh? Didn't you just say
partners for better or worse?

Standing up for each other?
- Oh, don't even.

It's not the same thing,
and you know it.

You embarrassed me.

- I didn't do anything different

At that potluck thing

That I don't do
at any other public place

You drag me to.

I have always liked beef.

And I have always tried
to get as much of it as I could

At any function.

But even before that happened,

You made it very clear
that I embarrass you.

Getting up on me
about the shaving

And telling me to stand up
straight and tuck in my shirt,

Like--like I wasn't good enough
for you.

And now I find out
you actually told people

That you don't know me?

I would never do that to you.

- I-I'm sorry.

- I-I'm sorry too.

I-I should have voted for you.

- And I should have told people
I know you.

dominica, 'nica, 'nica

Hey.

hey sister, go sister

Soul sister,
go sister

Hey sister,
go sister

Soul sister,
go sister

He met marmalade
down in old moulin rouge

Struttin' her stuff
on the street

She said,
hello, hey joe

You wanna give it a go?

Getcha, getcha
ya-ya, da-da...

- I think we're all
a little crazy.

Everybody's crazy.

And I think everybody
has to adjust

To everybody else's craziness.

And if you know that
everybody's a little nuts,

You know, you get along
a little better in the world.

- I think,
in order to do comedy,

You have to have friction.

You got to have
some kind of combatancy.

- I do have in-laws.

They don't live
in this country, though.

That makes it easier.

- We've been married
39 years this year

And have spent 39 years

Not talking to each other.

- My parents
fought about everything

From, like, money troubles
to, uh...

The smallest thing
you could imagine--

You know, I mean, over nothing,

Over, like, a chair,
you know,

Or a deviled egg.

- Eileen...

You have no idea
what I have to put up with.

When I got married,
I didn't just get a husband.

I got a whole freak show
that set up their tent

Right across the street.

But you can't blame him
when you see who the mother is.

She has this kind of
sick hold on the both of them.

And the father's
about as disgusting a creature

As god has ever dropped
on this planet.

So no wonder the kid
writes stories!

I should be writing stories.
My life is a gothic novel.

And until you have
lived in that house

With all of them
in there with you,

Day after day,
week after week,

Year after friggin' year,

You are in no position
to judge me!

Wait. Wait.

What jar of fat?

Aahh.

- I'll tell you
what jar of fat.

It was beautiful.

It was fat from panchetta
and golden brown sausage.

You'd have to be a cook
to understand.

But it was months
of carefully selecting

Only the best drippings,

To prepare meals
for il duce.

- Yeah, you made all those meals
just for me,

And then you went out jogging.

- That was my kitchen!

You had no right to go in there
and throw out my fat!

- That jar was for my coins!
I needed that!

- You're selfish!
- Fat collector!

- Oh, you never
appreciated me, ever.

You never,
ever appreciated me!

I would work my fingers
to the bone all day,

With the kids,
with the cooking

And the cleaning
and the laundry,

And then you'd waltz in
with your list of demands,

And not even
a "thank you."

- That's right.

- Debra understands.

- You wanted a thank you?

Where was my thank you?

I waltzed in, huh?

I dragged my ass home
every day

After ten hours
stuck in a suit,

Stuck in an office,
stuck in a car,

And if I needed coins
to pay the tolls

That got me to that job
that paid for that meat

That made that fat,

Then I'll dump it out
whenever I want,

And I don't care
what you say!

- That's right.
You don't care.

You have never cared
about how hard I work

Just to serve you.

- Hey, I don't have to care.
That's your job.

- Look, this is marriage.

You wake up in the morning,
and she's there.

You--you--

You come home at night,
and she's there.

You eat.
She's there.

You go to sleep--there.

And I know that sounds
like a bad thing...

But it's not.

It's not.

Not if it's
the right person.

Then it's good.
It's...Good.

It's really, really, good.

- I would like a minute
for rebuttal.

- What are you doing?

- Everyone wants me to change?
I can change.

I'm taking the covers off.

- Well, where we
gonna sit?

- You can sit right here
on the couch,

'cause I don't care
about these things anymore.

I'm nothing
if I'm not flexible.

- What are you saying, marie?

We can sit on the couch?

- Be my guest, frank.

Go ahead.

- You first.
- No.

- Would you sit?
It's a couch!

- You see, debra?

I can change.
I can let go.

It's nice fabric,
isn't it?

- It's very nice.

- I feel a little naughty.

- What are you doing?

- If need be,
I'm delivering this baby.

- No! You're not a doctor!

- Raymond, I've had training
in emergency child delivery.

- I don't care!
I don't care!

- You don't talk anymore!

Move over!
Come in here, robert!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

- Holy moses!

- I take exception
to that, debra.

- Well, I take exception
to what you think, marie.

You think just because you were
a good girl in the '50s--

- Good girl? Ha!

- Oh, frank, no!

- Oh, man!

- What the hell
are you talkin' about?

- Is that true, marie?

- Go ahead, marie.

I won't tell anyone.

- Okay, yes!

Frank and I succumbed
to temptation once...

Just once,
before we were married.

I-I was weak,

And I fell for your father's
boyish good looks.

That was a long time ago.

I knew it!

I knew we shouldn't
do what we did,

But we were in love.

Right, frank?

- I wanted sex.

It was a long time ago.

- So it was just the once,
and then you got married?

- It was just the once,
and then we had to get married.

- Frank, no!

- Hold it. Whoa.
Had to get married?

Wait--wait a minute.

So robert's...

- What?

Oh.

Hey. Leave a message.

Hello? Everything's fine now.

You can bring the cake
back over.

Frank? Pick up.

Robert? Raymond?

Are you eating that cake?

You better not have
started that cake!

That cake is for all of us!

Frank, I'm coming over.

- Save yourself.

It--it was raymond.
I tried to stop him.

oh, my god, yes! Yes!

I love this song!

jungle love, it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy, crazy

Jungle love,
it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy

You treat me like
I was your ocean

You swim in my blood
when it's warm

My cycles of circular motion

Protect you
and keep you from harm

You live in a world
of illusion

Where everything's
peaches and cream

We all face
a scarlet conclusion

But we spend our time
in a dream

Jungle love,
it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy, crazy

Jungle love,
it's driving me mad

It's making me crazy, crazy