All language subtitles for Midsomer Murders S07E06 - The Straw Woman

Would you please tell Miss Francis
we're ready when she is.

It's not real. It's just pretend.

It's all right, Lizzie.
She's only made of straw.

Come on, Lizzie. No-one will want
the pictures if you're not in them.

It's erm... It's one fairy story
too many, I think.

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

welcome to Midsomer Parva's
first Straw Woman Festival -

HORN, TYRES SCREECH

PERSISTENT HORN

CRIES OF ALARM

Oh, for God's sake!

That's it!

I think our best response
to this sort of intrusion

is to press ahead in as dignified
a manner as possible.

Dr Cole? Vicar?

Stand back, children.

CAMERA WHIRS

Come on, man. It's a tradition.

CHILDREN: # ..banished
from our hearts is she

♪ Firelight and sing refrain

♪ Vanquish darkness
with her name... ♪

SCREAMING

(SCREAMS)

(HOWLS FOR HELP)

Nice night for a barbecue.

MUSIC POUNDS

LINE-DANCING MUSIC

♪ Yee-ha! ♪

Why the police?

One of the Bible-bashers got burnt
alive on top of that bonfire.

Maybe there IS a God, after all.

Yeah, and you know what?

She's called Doris Day
and she's counting your drinks.

Hi, Agnes.

At least you tried.

Special dispensation.
Hm.

Something tells me I'm about to be
prime suspect in a murder case.

Seems I've put somebody
on a bonfire.

I've put tomorrow's schedule
on your desk.

Is there anything else?

Well, if I think of anything else,
I'll let you know.

Lovely costume, by the way.

Mrs Hopkins.
I wondered who they'd send.

I'd like to talk to
Miss Francis, please.

Who the hell are you?

I'm DCI Barnaby. This is DS Scott.

Oh. Sorry.

Dr Cole.

Miss Francis
is suffering from shock.

We can talk to Miss Francis
tomorrow.

Yeah. Yeah. OK.
We'll get a WPC to take care of you.

It's Alex! He's not in church.

It's Alex. I know it is.

Alex? Who's Alex?
Alex Deakin. Our curate.

Reverend, do you have
any reason to believe

that someone would want
to murder him?

It'll be that rabble up at the
manor, Barnaby. You mark my words.

Sir!

I'll talk to you later.

Jim.

Anything I can do?
You've got a nerve, Miss Malpas.

Dental records only, I'm afraid.

He'd have to be unconscious
when he was put in here, wouldn't he?

What do you reckon?
It's hard to say.

This is going to take some time,
I'm afraid, Tom.

I'll get on to Missing Persons.

I don't think
that's going to be necessary.

..sinners, snares, fire and
brimstone, storm and tempest -

It's your duty
to reassure the children

there isn't a witch on the loose.

..his fan is in his hand
and he will purge -

Damn it, man!
It's only a school assembly.

DOOR OPENS
Dr Cole?

Dr Cole.

Mrs Hopkins.

I'd like to ask the Reverend Hale
some questions.

We need him at the school.
Would you mind waiting outside?

Thank you.

..the day of the Lord cometh,
as a thief in the night,

and then shall sudden destruction
fall upon obstinate sinners

and they shall not escape -

Reverend Hale?

Reverend Hale,
I'm sorry to interrupt.

Could you tell me, did Alex Deakin

have any enemies here,
up at Parva Manor, for example?

He tried to turn me.

He really tried.

And now...

God forgive me
for meddling with such evil.

Meddling with evil?

Why couldn't we have Guy Fawkes
like everyone else?

Because it's an old
village tradition.

What would YOU know about tradition?
You've only been here five minutes.

All I wanted to do was -
Stick your smart-arse fingers in.

..teach the children
how ignorance leads to fear,

how it can affect a community.

So we're ignorant now, are we?
Not now. In the 17th century.

If people hadn't been prejudiced -
ALL GRUMBLE IN DISAGREEMENT

If people hadn't been so prejudiced,

all those innocent women wouldn't
have been burned as witches.

Who says they was innocent, eh?

Yeah. No smoke without fire.

VILLAGERS: Yeah. Yeah.

I think it was a good idea.

It brought us together
against the Manor.

Deakin brought us together against
the Manor. Look what it did for him.

This really isn't going to help
the children.

You're damn right. I'm taking my lad
home with me right now.

Mr Fox... Mr Fox, please!

I won't be charging for the photos.

Thank you, Matthew.

Anyone would think
it was a witch that...did it.

Alan Clifford's been determined
to destroy village life

since he bought the Manor.

Why would he want to do that?
A nightclub owner and pornographer?

All that nonsense
with the limousine last night

was him trying to rain
on our parade.

He'd been at loggerheads
with Alex Deakin for some time.

About what, precisely?

See that building to the left
of the Manor? That's the chapel.

The village clergy
used to serve there.

Until Clifford had it deconsecrated.
The Reverend Deakin objected?

Alex was determined to see it
restored to its proper use.

Is there something IMPROPER
about Clifford's use of this chapel?

Inspector,

I suggest a visit to Parva Manor
might shorten your investigation.

You know Hopkins, then?

Yes, indeed I do.
Professionally. She's a magistrate.

Sounds like it's Clifford
she wants on the bonfire.

She was always a bit of a hanger
and a flogger.

She should work for Clifford.

People pay good money
for that kind of thing.

To see Mr Clifford.

When's the earliest we can get this
to the planning committee?

The next meeting's on Friday.

Heathen! Defiler!

Devil!
Oh, dear. Here we go.

Heavenly Father, cleanse
and sanctify this, your house,

and shield it from the...

Hey, hold on.
DCI Barnaby. DS Scott. Causton CID.

Hold on.

See? The house of God
turned into a brothel!

We call it "a chapel of love".

You won't get away with this.

Whatever abomination it is
you're planning, I'll stop it.

On poor Alex's soul, I'll stop it.

Check the diary, Agnes.

See if I've had
any vicars roasted (!)

Well, well.

What an adventurous conversion
of a former place of worship.

It still is a place of worship.
Best sermons in the parish.

I understand the Reverend Deakin
also opposed your plans.

Well, he complained to the DOE.

Oh, yes, and then he tried to prove

that the Manor didn't legally own
this chapel.

So, what are you planning, exactly?

Ask the God Squad.

They've got the very best ideas.

Mr Clifford, can you tell us, please,
where you were

between 12pm and 6pm
yesterday afternoon?

Erm...

Lunch with the architects.

Then there was a meeting
between 3pm and 5pm, then...

you got ready for your party.

A meeting?

It was a business meeting

between Mr Clifford and I.

I really don't know how you get
these sheets so crumpled.

Mr Clifford, when did you last see
Alex Deakin?

He came round yesterday, claiming
there was no record of the land
being transferred from the church.

Was he right about that?

The Manor got the land
when the monasteries were dissolved,

before present church records began.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Are you OK, Dad?
He's fine.

I didn't ask you.

Can I introduce my daughter, Jo?

I'm DCI Barnaby. This is DS Scott.

So, don't tell me. Everyone reckons
Dad had the curate burned,

cos he moaned about the chapel?

Why would anyone suggest that?

They believe what they read in the
paper, so Dad's the devil incarnate.

Jo, have a peach, dear.

It's since her mother left.

She thinks I need looking after.

There was an outbreak of swine fever
in the 17th century.

The villagers tried to cure it
with prayers.

That didn't work. Some women used
herbal remedies. The pigs recovered.

Nice one.

The women were tried for witchcraft
and burned at the stake.

I linked it
into my citizenship lessons.

We've been exploring prejudice

and how it's rooted
in fear and ignorance.

How did the village react when you
suggested making a straw woman?

Most of them thought it was a bit of
a laugh, extra business for the pub.

Some didn't like it, didn't say why,
just weren't comfortable with it.

How about the local church?

Alex Deakin was against it
from the start.

He thought it was pagan.

How long was the effigy on the
bonfire before the ceremony began?

Half an hour? We weren't sure about
the weather,

so we kept it in the shed
till the last minute.

How would you get something like
this on top of a bonfire?

Lucy Middleton's dad is a farmer. He
lifted it on with his front loader.

Any sign of it being tampered with?
Not that I can think of.

BELL
Sorry.

I've got to see the kids out.
It's going-home time.

Don't forget your gym kit tomorrow.
He won't be here tomorrow.

Afraid, Denise, the local coven
will drink his blood?

Kate.

They're frightened of shadows, Liz.
Don't let them get to you.

Oh, erm, I was just talking
to the police.

I'll er... I'll see you later, yeah?

You know where I am.
Yeah.

Thanks, by the way.
The kids loved it.

You seem to have at least one ally.

Mm. Kate Malpas. Yeah.

She runs her own medical centre.

Complimentary medicine.
That kind of stuff.

Miss Francis, may I ask you, when did
you last see Alex Deakin alive?

Yesterday morning.

He was still trying to persuade
the vicar to boycott the ceremony,

so I took them both to the church
to show them the parish records.

It was the tradition for the vicar
to light the fire.

When we got there, to the crypt,

Alan Clifford's PA was there.

Agnes Waterhouse?
Mm.

How did Agnes gain access
to the crypt?

That's what Deakin wanted to know.

Clifford should be a church warden.
He refuses to serve. He has a key.

And all the church wardens,
they have keys?

I think so.

Clifford sent Agnes to see
if there was a record of the church
selling the chapel.

Which didn't impress Deakin?
No. He was livid.

What was it he said?

He said, "If you want to burn anyone
at the stake, burn Clifford."

Then he went off to have it out
with Clifford at the Manor.

And I never saw him again.

Thank you very much, Miss Francis.

If you think of
anything else, just -

Give you a call?

Yeah.

Don't tell me. You wish you'd had
a teacher like that.

I might have done better, if I had.

Come on.

DOG BARKS

TWIG SNAPS

CREAKS

BIRD SCREECHES

WIND WHISTLES

EVIL GHOSTLY WHISPERING

Is it true it was
spon...taneous combustion?

What's that all about?

Something to do with an outbreak
of swine fever in the 17th century?

Someone's trying to tell us
something?

Possibly.

Ring round the local meat suppliers.

Find a pig that's lost its head.
Yes, sir.

George.

Can you be sure he's the vicar?

So, what happened?

He was rendered unconscious somehow
and then set alight?

Probably.

I'll have to get back to you
on what caused the fire.

Why would anyone take against
the vicar and his curate?

Perhaps there's a Satanist
on the loose.

Don't use words like "Satanist".

People are getting
the wrong idea already.

Get in and start praying. I would.

Sorry.
Are you not into the God thing?

Pretty weird, isn't it?
Two vicars burning like that.

There was a...pig's head.

Yeah.

Dark forces on the prowl.
The devil rides.

Don't joke about it. Please.

So, do you just do gravestones?

I do a lot of trees and rivers.

I'm interested in light,
how it moves.

Yeah?

I've never met
a proper photographer before.

Sure.

It's true.

There's paparazzi
camped outside Dad's clubs,

but I never met one that did trees.

I'm going to Fine Shade Woods later.

BELL CHIMES
Yeah?

Can I watch?

It seems that Deakin had a point.

Sir?

Well, there's no record of any chapel
being sold to the Manor.

Clifford said the transaction
took place before records began.

Well, he would, wouldn't he?

Any joy with the pigs?

I spoke to the butcher in Causton.
Seems Clifford likes his hog roasts.

He took a delivery
of three whole pigs on Thursday.

Two priests dead. Both of them burned
alive and both opposed to Clifford.

Hale as good as accused him
in front of us.

So Clifford had him killed, too,
and made it look like witchcraft?

THUD

Search the vicarage, while I have
a word with Mr Clifford.

Am I paying you too much?

Out of my shoe allowance.

Are you going to try it?

Yes. Certainly.

Oh, this is perfect.

SOFT MUSIC
Oh.

You SHALL go to the ball.

Think of it as a going-away present.

Mm, thank you.

Mr Clifford?

I'm sorry to, er, trouble you again.

It's all right, Miss Waterhouse.

Please stay. I'd like to talk
to you both, if I may.

Thank you.

Mr Clifford, I understand you take
a regular delivery of whole pigs.

Is that right?

Yes. I heard about
the business in the church.

But if it was anyone at my end,
I'd know about it, OK?

OK.

Miss Waterhouse,

you mentioned that you were at
a meeting with Mr Clifford yesterday.

Can anyone else confirm that?

There was no-one actually
in the room with us, no.

So, exactly what kind of a nurse,
are you, Miss Waterhouse?

I...don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, really?

Don't worry. It's bound
to come out some time.

Agnes is a terminal-care nurse.

She's MY terminal-care nurse.

Damn good she is, too.

It's erm...

It's the Big C.

I've been trying to keep it out of
the tabloids, but sex and death...

You see, for me,
they're a perfect headline.

I'm sorry.

No need.

Not as long as I've got
Agnes looking after me.

The "meeting" was for me, Miss
Waterhouse and my pain control.

Do you keep diamorphine
stored here, then?

Mm, it's all in the records.

Does anyone in the village
know about your condition?

Just Kate Malpas. She and Agnes
manage my pain for me between them.

I didn't fancy chemo.

I thought about it,

then I thought I'd rather go out
with my hair on and trousers down.

Sometimes, in the summer,

I sleep out here.

You get this really intense light
first thing.

It's amazing, through the new leaves.

Is there much money in it?

Not in trees, there's not.

I get a bit from weddings and things.

Not enough to go professional.

What's that one over there?

A birch.

They don't live long,
but they've got the best bark.

All that silver, peeling off
a living thing.

Does your dad like you
being a photographer?

Not much.

If I made it as a professional,
he might not mind.

Time you got yourself
a proper portfolio, then.

The... The children made one each,
as a memento.

OK. How did this one wind up
on Hale's mantelpiece?

Someone must have stolen them.

No. I saw they were missing
before the ceremony.

We did ask you if you'd noticed -

Anything unusual. I know.

Where were they kept?

In the hall. Kept open, so people
could see the kids' pictures.

Look, I'm...I'm sorry, OK?

Hale and Deakin, were they...?

Were they gay?

Erm, just a bit.

How did people feel about that?

I doubt the traditionalists
were happy.

And what about Hopkins and Cole?

Oh, yeah, they all used to go
on the Gay Pride rally together (!)

Sorry.

Try these.
They're good for sore throats.

Thank you.

OPENS CONTAINER

WIND HOWLS

WIND ECHOES

WIND WHISTLES

HOWLING

BIRDSONG

CHICKENS CLUCK

Jo?

Why didn't Miss Francis
mention this before?

She forgot.

She forgot?

A vital piece of evidence
and she forgot?

You know what this makes
Miss Francis.

Well, it doesn't make her a witch.

I also found this
on Hale's mantelpiece.

Miss Francis reckons that Hopkins
and Cole weren't too impressed.

Judy, delay my first house call,
would you? Something's come up.

JUDY: Mrs Hopkins to see you, Doctor.

Sorry. Have I called at a bad time?

Just checking the BCG results
from the school.

I thought I'd drop them off
before afternoon surgery.

She's rather an attractive girl,
in her way, don't you think?

Attractive?

Miss Francis.

I wonder if we shouldn't have gone
for someone less...obvious.

Wouldn't do for any of the older
boys to go starry-eyed about her.

Well, this older boy prefers someone
a little more mature.

In fact,

once we've found our new vicar...

perhaps you and I could consider
shortening our engagement.

John.

Of course, we do have Matthew
to consider, but...

I wish he weren't so hostile to me.

He's still tied to his mother's
apron strings. God rest her soul.

JUDY: DCI Barnaby
to see you, Doctor.

Er, OK. Send him through, would you?

John...?
KNOCK AT DOOR

Morning. Just finishing surgery.

We can wait.
No, it's all right.

Morning.

Dr Cole, was the Reverend Deakin
registered with you?

No.

Was the Reverend Hale
registered with you?

No.

I wonder why that was.

I mean, you're the village GP
and a church warden.

I believe they wanted to be
discreet,

given the nature
of their relationship.

Did you object to that relationship?

I tried to ignore it.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got
rather a lot of house calls.

Where were you on Wednesday
between 4pm and 6pm, sir?

I was with Mrs Hopkins.

Can she confirm that, given
the nature of YOUR relationship?

There's nothing serious
between Margaret and me.

So you've no reason
to lie for each other?

If anyone's lying about Wednesday,
it's Clifford. Go and persecute him.

Mr Clifford was receiving
medical treatment at the time.

Medical treatment?

Yes. Does that surprise you?

What did Reverend Hale say when I
asked him if Deakin had any enemies?

He seemed scared, scared of Cole.

Who, as a GP, has access to enough
narcotics to have drugged Deakin.

So does Clifford.
Yeah, but all his are accounted for.

What are those?
Herbal throat lozenges.

Kate Malpas makes them. She'll put
Dr Cole out of business.

Where did you get 'em?
Er, Liz Francis.

Oh?

Sir, I have a sore throat.
Oh.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Matthew?

Hey!
L-l-look.

Oh, my God.

And there's a...pig's head,

a pig's head on an altar.

A what?
It's the same as the church.

A pig on an altar.

Matthew, you've been dreaming.

No, I haven't.
You fell asleep.

I tried to wake you, but you looked
so peaceful and lovely.

It's...a witch. It must be.

Oh, sure (!) It's not some kids
having a laugh,

it's the hex of the Black Hag.

Now, come with me.

Let's see if we can get you clean.

Barnaby, I trust you're here to tell
me I'm free to use the church?

Er, no. No. I'm afraid not,
but Forensics shouldn't be long.

So, this used to be the old vicarage?

Yes, my ex-husband bought it.

It came to me
as part of our divorce settlement.

The Church was my solace, then.

When I die, I'd like it to have its
vicarage back, unless I marry again.

Mrs Hopkins,

I wonder how you feel about the
Church's teachings on homosexuality.

Well, the Church doesn't like
openly homosexual relationships.

And how about you, Mrs Hopkins?

How did you feel
about the relationship
between the two reverends?

I had no quarrel with
their liturgical preferences.

Both High Church, funnily enough.

What about... (COUGHS)

What about Dr Cole?

I'd strongly advise you
against using that woman's poisons.

So, neither you nor Dr Cole
disliked having

a gay clerical team in the parish?

Dr Cole is a fine doctor
and a committed Christian.

If he harbours homophobic prejudice,
which I doubt,

then he will be judged in a higher
court than we have ever set foot in.

Infatuated AND lying.
And they both loathe Clifford.

So, what are you saying,
three birds with one stone?

Get rid of their troublesome priests

and point the finger
at the vulgar intruder.

It's what they do in the Bible,
isn't it? Burn the sinners.

You naughty little girl.

Looking forward to our trip?

The glories of Christendom,
Rome, Jerusalem?

Or maybe we should just go for
a B & B in Skegness.

SQUEAK

What are...you doing here?

I'm a doctor, Matthew, remember?

I'm here to see Miss Clifford's
father. I might ask you the same.

Security thought he was trying
to photograph the Manor.

I had to pull them off.

Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks.

(SIGHS)

If only he had his father's grip.

Indeed.

When were you thinking
for our little jaunt?

I can be free any time.

Not while Dad's like he is.

Anyway, who told you he was ill?
The police.

They still haven't worked out
who killed Deakin and Hale.

Useless shower!

You do see why we have to wait?

I couldn't be with anyone
while Dad's still suffering.

Can I help?

I'm sure you can.

I'd like a word with Mr Clifford's
medical advisers, if I may?

You're talking to them.
I'm sorry?

Dr Cole.

Come to cleanse us of our sins?

You!

Talk about mutton dressed as lamb.

How many people
have you seen die, Jo?

Not very pleasant, is it?

Get out of my way.

Whatever it takes to get your father
through this, I'll do it.

It's my job.
It's what he pays me for.

And if you need help, too,
you only have to ask.

Mr Clifford, I really can't
recommend this kind of treatment

for such a serious condition.

Thank you very much, Kate.

For pity's sake! You can't rely on
her hocus-pocus drivel.

Oh, it's a badly overheated liver
you've got there, Dr Cole.

Cut out coffee for a bit. Try an
infusion of dandelion root, instead.

You're a fraud, Malpas.

A fraud and a mountebank.
She speaks very highly of you, too.

Do you have any idea

of the damage she's done
to the health of this village?

Village? Damage?

It's time for your morphine, Alan.
You need to calm down.

Alan, why don't you invite Dr Cole
to your party tomorrow tonight?

Fags And Hags. Right up your street.
Oh, yes.

Go to hell.
Thank you for coming.

Doctor.

He's right.
You DO need a proper doctor.

So, you don't think
Agnes and Kate are PROPER?

I mean, hospitals, Dad.

Drugs. You've got the money
to buy the best in the world.

All you've got is two old tarts
banging on about the perfect death.

They are professionals.
You just don't get it, do you?

I don't want you to die, Dad.

Come on.
Your father needs some rest.

I can take over from here, Kate.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, Alan.

Good night.

I suppose I should be grateful.
Girls still fighting over me.

(SCOTT READS) The original source
of the ignition burns the skin

and melts the subcutaneous fat.

This then soaks into the clothing,
acting as a wick.

Nice (!)

CREAKING

WIND WHISTLES

Miss Malpas!

Can I have a word, please?

I was a GP in London for 12 years.

All this started as a sideline.

So, you left a career
in proper medicine, then?

Not really.

Most modern treatments have
their roots in this sort of thing.

How did you get to work for Clifford?

He was interested in alternative
therapies. Agnes contacted me.

You must have impressed him.
Yeah. He impressed me.

A refreshing attitude to death.

Made such a change from
the sadomasochistic death cult

on offer in Church.
(The what?)

Were either the Reverend Hale
or Alex Deakin patients of yours?

Yeah. I gave Jim Hale
anti-stress tablets.

His er...situation
played havoc with his nerves.

What was his "situation"?

His being gay
was a disappointment for Margaret.

She'd lobbied the bishop
for an unmarried vicar.

So then she switched her affections
to your...rival, Dr Cole.

Only Cole sees himself as my rival.
He has a closed mind

and an irascible temperament.

In mediaeval terms,
he has an excess of choler.

"An excess of choler"?

Setting up a rival practice,
that couldn't have helped.

There will always be people
who prefer aspirin to willow bark.

A bit like religion.

Some people like slurping
Communion wine.

Others like dancing naked
round a bonfire.

I take it you're not a churchgoer.
No.

People make piles of stones
and think they've found God.

If it gives them comfort,
that's their affair.

I prefer Agnes. If anyone can make
death bearable, she can.

What's protein shock venom?

A mutation retardant.
I get the venom from the frog.

CROAKS

People pay for stuff like that.

The things you buy from a proper
chemist are just a purified version.

Sure (!) "Doctor, it's my throat."

"Suck a frog three times a day."

BANGING
DR COLE: Malpas!

You're a damned disgrace
to the profession.

Do you hear me?!

FURTHER BANGING
"An excess of choler."

Mediaeval medicine might have
something to teach us. Come on.

Dr Cole!

I wonder if we might possibly have
a word with you - in your surgery?

She's no business treating anyone
who's seriously ill.

Surely that is Mr Clifford's choice.

Then he deserves to die.

Like the homosexual priests?

Do you know what "Malpas" means?

No. I don't.

It's French,

"mal" - "evil", "pas" - "step".

"Evil step."

Can I see your drug register, please?

I don't know where it is.

I'll give you some time to find it.

I'd like to see it
by tomorrow morning, please.

And, Dr Cole,

please don't leave the village
without informing us.

DOOR CLOSES

HEARTBEAT INCREASES

Dad! Look!

Look at this!
How dare you come in here, Matthew.

It's me! Look. I'm next...

Those are mine.

And they're a damned disgrace!

Someone had the good sense
to send them to me.

Jo's my girlfriend. We're lovers.

Jo Clifford wouldn't hold your hand,
let alone sleep with you.

Matthew!

Meet me at the church
in five minutes. Be there.

John! Where have you been all
evening? Barnaby seems to think...

And I thought you were after
Miss Francis.

Margaret!
Don't Margaret me.

They're Matthew's. I found him
with them in his darkroom.

What exactly were you intending
to do with them at this hour?

I'm going to burn the filth

and then I'm going to pray.

Shall I come with you?

I'm the one
who's failed as a father.

Pray for Matthew.

He's not a happy soul.

You're a good man, John.

GATE CREAKS

GHOSTLY WHISPERING

SCREAMING

He was on fire.
I tried to put it out.

No!
You brought it back.

400 years and you brought it back.

Witch!
Look what you've done to the lad.

Why?
Because she's a damned witch!

Don't listen to them, Matthew.

No!

Lucy?

This officer will stay with you.
We'll come round later
to take a statement.

Come on.

George,what are his chances?

If he lives, he'll have
Miss Francis to thank.

George, if you wanted to create the impression
of spontaneous combustion,
are you able to do that?

You mean, like a conjuring trick?
Exactly like that. Yeah.

You might be able to do it
chemically.

Could you set something up
in the lab to show me?

I'll try. Come round first thing.
Can you make it tonight?

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, the traces
of a narcotic on Deakin.

It's organic. Valerian.

Commonly used by homeopaths.

Thank you, George.
Cheers.
See you later.

If valerian is a herbal sedative -

Kate Malpas's medicines
are found all over the village.

Did Margaret Hopkins appear to you
to be unduly keen to get this church
reopened after Hale's death?

Oh, she's a full-on
Bible-basher, sir.

Yet her lover's burned a few yards
from her front door
and we see no sign of the lady.

Looks like photographs.

Taken by Matthew Cole, perhaps,
and burnt by John Cole?

Or by his attacker.
Yeah.

Yeah. We'll have to take a look
at his darkroom, of course, and...

and that.
I'll go and see Liz Francis.

Again.
Don't let anyone see that doll.

Whoever's doing this
is trying to cause a lot of upset.

Sir.

OK. I'll take it from here.

Thank you.

I've er...given her a mild sedative.
She'll be able to answer questions.

Thank you.

Yes. It was Hopkins.
It was erm...

It was like she'd caught him with
something, some kind of papers.

She seemed angry at first,
then he calmed her down.

What kind of papers?
I couldn't see from here.

Then Hopkins went off somewhere and
Cole made a beeline for the church.

So you followed him,
just like that?

What if he had something
to do with Hale and Deakin?

Erm... When I got there,
he was on fire.

I used a fire extinguisher
and I called an ambulance.

Did anybody see you?

I could say, "As God is my witness",
but it's not my style.

VILLAGERS CHANT:
Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Stay here.
Witch! Witch! Witch!

Matthew!
Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Did you put him up to this?

He's mad with grief. He needs help.
Can't you see that?

No. You've all gone loopy
yourselves.

When he shows up, you come to me.

Fine. If you tell her
to go back where she came from.

We wouldn't want her getting burnt,
would we?

That'll do.

Jed Fox, I'm arresting -
Wait! Wait!

Just...

Just let it go. Please.

I'll get Uniform
to put someone outside your door.
No, you won't. It's just a broken window.

Sir,
I've just spoken to Liz Francis.

I think we should check Cole's desk.

Cullen, Conver, Cochrane...

But no Cole.
Why would Matthew not register
as a patient with his own father?

Clifford,Josephine Pandora.

Sir?
Yeah.

What do you reckon?
Part of a secret porn collection?

Could be.

Say Hopkins catches him with the
dirty pictures, she goes ballistic.

I'm not in the habit
of going ballistic, Sergeant.

Except with police officers who fail
to apply for a search warrant.

Mrs Hopkins. Now you're here,
perhaps you can help.

Does this mean anything to you?

Mrs Hopkins, we have a witness

who saw you arguing with Dr Cole
just before he was attacked.

Apparently there was some
altercation about some papers -

Nonsense.
Photographs perhaps.

He's a Christian.
A Christian doctor.

Do those words mean anything
to you?

You'd rather put your faith
in herbs and spells.

Just like all the other heathens!

It's a sickness in the village.

Just like it always was.

♪ Firelight and sing refrain

♪ Vanquish darkness with her name

♪ Evil spirits...

♪ Please...

♪ Burning... ♪

How did you do that?

O-level chemistry. It's phosphorus.
It burns in the atmosphere
at room temperature.

So find a solvent to make
a solution and hey presto,

the solvent evaporates
and the phosphorus burns.

Can you test for traces
in the victim?

Cole's clothes are covered
in fire extinguisher.

I might get something from Hale.

George, if this
is only O-level chemistry,
then anyone can do it, can't they?

And they could get the chemicals
from any school laboratory.

I pity the youth of today.
Health and safety wouldn't let them
near it in a million years.

Miss?
Oh, Lucy. Hi.

I don't think you're a witch.

Thank you.

She wanted you to know.

Come on.

Hello, Matthew.

Remember that brick?

Matthew?

Can you hear me?

Stone.

And cold.

What's that?

The altar.

Evil.

Pictures.

What pictures, Matthew?
Were they your pictures?

Matthew...

Matthew, did you know Jo Clifford
was one of your father's patients?

She's 19. You think she should tell me
every time she goes out?

Look, Dr Cole will probably die
in the next few hours.

His son seems to be having
some kind of a breakdown
and I need to talk to your daughter.

Alan, if Jo knows anything -

Don't go on at him.
Agnes.

Inspector, can I have a word
with you for a moment, please?

A witch's altar.

He came to my surgery last night
deeply disturbed.

I tried to give him a sedative,
which he rejected violently.

I asked him to show me the place.
Did he say where it was?

I know he used to take photographs
down at Fine Shade Woods.

Miss Malpas,
why would Matthew come to you
if he was feeling upset?

He's been my patient
for the past few years.

Not that his father would know that.

Matthew worshipped his mother.
She died last year.

Matthew thinks Hopkins persuaded
Cole to help her on her way.

"Records Past Present Sins."

Someone shoved it under the door.

Oh, and...take a look at this.

These have just come in
from the lab.

So...

Matthew Cole took 'em
and his dad Dr Cole got hold of them.

And if Hopkins caught Cole
with them then -

She maybe attempted to send them the
way of their sexually deviant clergy.

We saw it with our own eyes. A
priest and his curate burnt alive.

Do these things just happen?
Are they natural?

No. No way.

Who is it who has made known
her hatred of all things holy?

Who is it who has undermined the medical care
of our good doctor
by peddling her potions?

Who is it who has poisoned
poor Matthew's mind?

First she turns her witch's brew
against our church,

then our doctor and now his son.

The only question is:

who's next?

Well, come on, then.
What are we waiting for?

That's enough!

You're too late, Barnaby.
You've had your chance.

Making an arrest, Barnaby?
Not before time.

For crying out loud,
you're a justice of the peace.

How many more have to die
for his incompetence?

Margaret Hopkins, I'm arresting you
for incitement to civil disorder.

You do not have to say anything -

Lay off, Barnaby!

We will get to the bottom of this.
And I promise you this...

when we do make an arrest,
it won't be any kind of witch.

Come on.

Phoo! Talk about a death cult.

Brilliant.

I just... This bulb...

I've got the one we need.

I don't suppose
you've got a plaster, do you?

Did you send this?

We've reprinted
some of Matthew's negatives.

Perhaps this will jog your memory,
Mrs Hopkins.

There.?

Now, it seems that Dr Cole kept
these hidden in his surgery.

That's hardly appropriate, is it?

Given that Miss Clifford
was one of his patients

and will inherit her father's empire.
How dare you.

They were sent to him as a warning
against the evil influence the pornographer
was having on his poor son.

Sir? Call from the hospital.

Tell them I'll get back to them.

They found something
on Matthew Cole.
It sounded urgent.

Interview terminated at 20:50 hours.

"Confessing the cat to be
her kindred, familiar spirit,

she" - ow - "submitted her person to
be weighed against the Holy Bible,

and being found lighter
was convicted of witchcraft
and taken to a place of execution."

"Weighed against the Holy Bible."
What does that mean?

I guess fat was a feminist issue
back in 1660.

Oh, come on. It's not your fault.

I should never have come here.

400 years and I've stirred the whole
thing up again. Nothing's changed.

No.

What can you tell me
about this photograph, Matthew?

We found it on you.

Matthew, can you hear me?

Who took this photograph, Matthew?

Someone is trying to scare you, Matthew.
It's nothing to do with a witch.

Yeah, all right.

"This is DS Scott.
Please leave a message."

Scott...

call me as soon as you get this,
please. I need you to help me.

And what happened
to leaving your mobile on?

Lord, now lettest thou thy servant
depart in peace,

according to thy word,
for mine eyes have seen
thy salvation.

Not saying goodbye?

I didn't want to wake you up.

Can I call round later?

See you later, then.

Morning, sir!
What happened to you?

I had to interview Margaret Hopkins
single-handed last night.

You've arrested Hopkins?
Yes, I did.

For her own good. The evidence
against her was circumstantial.

I had to let her go.
Well, what about the pictures?

She's seen the light at last
about Dr Cole.

It seems there was more than one
photographer. Take a look.

Who took this?

The person who builds altars in the woods.
I thought I asked you
to keep your mobile on.

Dan?

'Dan, it's Liz. Listen, I know who
it is. I can't believe we missed it.

Meet me at the church, yeah?'

Sir?

Liz?

Liz!

Liz!

Liz!

Scott!

Liz!

And apart from there being no straw
doll, everything else was the same?

It looks that way. I'm analysing
the residues on Hale's clothing.

And?
Still checking on the phosphorus.

There's definitely some kind
of industrial solvent present.

Pin it down, George.

Get the names
of all the suppliers.
Job for Sergeant Scott, isn't it?

No, it's not this time. I'd like you
to do me the favour, please.

You can call me on my mobile.
I've got a drinks party to go to.

"Dan, it's Liz. Listen, I know who
it is. I can't believe we missed it.

Meet me at the church, yeah?"

Hello.
Were you looking for Miss Francis?

Yeah. Yeah, I think I was.

"I can't believe we missed it."

"Executed this day, most falsely
protesting her innocence."

Er...ladies and gentlemen,

welcome.

As you might have heard,

my next appearance in the press is
likely to be in the obituary column,

which is why I thought it only fair
to introduce you

to our project for the manor

before it goes to the planning
department later on today.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I
give you the Alan Clifford Hospice.

A fully equipped oasis,
where rationally minded people
will be able to end their days

on this glorious planet.

Or should I say...God's Earth?

As it says in the good book
somewhere -

Mrs Hopkins will know it chapter
and verse -

"In my end is my beginning."

And so, good people, I give you
the future of Midsomer Parva.

In this way, I hope to ensure
I shan't be leaving you completely.

When I've gone, my trusted nurse
Agnes Waterhouse,

and my brilliant if unconventional
medical advisor Kate Malpas,

will run the centre
for the benefit of you all.

It's very impressive, Mr Clifford.

Shame your daughter wasn't here
to witness it.

I haven't seen her, but if I do,
Inspector, you're the first to know.

Mrs Hopkins.

Look.

There goes your witch, Barnaby.

Let me go.

Miss Clifford, I believe
that you took this photograph.

I believe that you seduced Matthew
after posing for him in the woods.

Now, Matthew started a second roll of film
halfway through
your little photo shoot.

You took the first one from him
when he was asleep.

You left him the second,
but with one extra shot on it.

This one...which you took.

Why?

I wanted to wind up Cole.

He comes on like
he's this really sympathetic GP,
and I thought he was all right.

Then he starts
wanting to examine me.

Well, did you complain?

I told him I was thinking
about joining his church.

He loved that.

He said we should go on holiday
together.

And was Matthew
going to get a postcard?

Matthew was part of the plan.

Daddy thinks he's pulled a teenager,
but, oops, Matthew got there first.

His dad treats him like dirt.
Oh, and you don't.

We had a laugh.
Think this is a laugh, do you?

Look, I'm sorry, OK?
Yes, all right.

So you heard about the pig's head
up in the church,

and what? You decided to spice things
up with Matthew, did you?

I wanted to see how they liked
having a real witch.

I got a pig's head from the kitchen
and made an altar in the woods.

I tried to get rid of it
after Cole got burnt.

In fit of conscience?
Yes!

I gave Matthew
some of Kate Malpas's herbal stuff.

Yes, I took the picture and sent
the sexy ones to his dirty old man.

But that's it, OK?
I didn't try and kill his dad.

I didn't even get his message
until this morning.

What message?

I think he'd realised it was Matthew
who'd taken the pictures of me.

He wanted to meet in the church,
but I'd left my in Dad's room.

Matthew?

Oh, God! What have I done?

Talk to him, Jo.

If he seems not to hear, talk to him.

Excuse me.

Barnaby.

You've done what?

Not before time, Barnaby, eh?

We're still doing your work for you.
Sort it out, mate.

I kept thinking of what Liz had said
in that last message.

She was reading the parish records.
I went to see what she'd found.

"Executed this day, most falsely
protesting her innocence,

Katherine Malpas."

"Records past, present, since."
Sir, it's got to be her.

Miss Malpas.

Why didn't you mention this before?

Advertise that you were related
to a witch over the past few days,

if you lived here?
I wouldn't want to live here at all.

Unless I wanted to make sure Alan
Clifford's new hospice went ahead.

That is worth fighting for.

Is it worth burning people
alive for?

Katherine Malpas was murdered
three centuries ago by bigots

because they didn't understand her.
She cured their pigs.

Now, you seriously suppose
she'd approve

of me burning people alive
because I don't share their beliefs?

Would you excuse us for a moment?

Do you think she's lying?
I think -

Our killer is still at large. Why
don't you start to use your head?

I seem to have got the crackling
right. It's nice and crispy.

You do that.

So, how's the witch hunt?
The witch hunt is not concluded.

Witch hunts never are. You burn one,
you have to find another.

That's horrible, Cully.
It's true.

Everyone needs to have something
they can feel good about hating.

Plus everyone loves a bonfire.

How's Daniel getting on with it all?
Oh...Daniel.

Suddenly, ever since Liz Francis
died, he's gone to pieces.

He's a human being.
Yes. He's also a CID officer.

I mean, you cannot mix romance
and policing, can you?

And you're not a romantic?

What was that song you used to sing?

Erm... # Those fingers in my hair

♪ That sly, come-hither stare

♪ That strips my conscience bare?

♪ It's witchcraft... ♪

Do you remember, Tom? You gave me
that LP as a going-away present.

A going-away present.
Oldest spell in the book, Dad.

Think of it as a going-away present.

When we got to the crypt,
Alan Clifford's PA was there

to see if there was anything
about the church selling the chapel.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Tom!

No Kate?

She's been helping the police
with their enquiries.

Whatever it was, they let her go.

She's on her way home.

Right.

I'll tell everyone
you'll be down in a minute.

No sign of Jo.

'Parva Manor.
Agnes Waterhouse speaking.'

'Hello?'

Scott, get yourself to the manor
house and bring Kate Malpas with you.

We may need her.

I'm sorry
about what happened to your Dad.

Matthew.

Dad?

Jo?

It's me.

I'd... I'd really like you
to be here tonight.

Jo.

You should speak to him -
go to him, talk to him,

while you still can.

I'm sure Kate was right
about what they said.

I don't want to be half asleep
at the party.

I wouldn't worry about Kate.

Agnes?

What are you...

Kate?
Sshh!

Let Kate take care of things
after we've gone.

Oh...for pity's sake. What...

I love you, Alan.

We may not have had
the perfect life together,

but we'll have the perfect death.

KNOCK ON DOOR
Mr Clifford!

Mr Clifford!

No! No! No!

No! Get off him, you bitch!

Agnes Waterhouse, I arrest you
for the murders of Alex Deakin,
Jim Hale and Elizabeth Francis.

How many of these has he taken?
How many?

Enough!

Take these, Alan.
Please, it's an antidote.

They're poison!
What is happening?

She's trying to frame
Miss Malpas here.

Everything was going
so well between us.

Then suddenly Kate this...
Kate that...Kate the other!

You were the one person to stand
between her and her final ambition.

To die the perfect death
with the man she loved.

Dad?
SIRENS

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

The only trouble was we hadn't heard
about the first Katherine Malpas.

So you had to send us a clue,
didn't you?

Records past...
present and since.

You'd been looking
through the parish records
and you found the perfect scenario.

Your rival was related to a witch.

When Liz Francis decided to revive
the straw woman ceremony,

she unwittingly presented you
with an ideal opportunity.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Don't you?

I wondered, did you ever
take O-level chemistry?

Methylbenzene.

Toluene, to give it
its industrial name.

It's a solvent, as I think you know.

Perfect for dissolving volatile
chemicals like phosphorus.

I found that
behind your drugs fridge.

And...

..there were these.

Miss Waterhouse?

My last patient
was a school lab technician.

Lovely man.

He had leukaemia.

He showed me the experiment
they used to do with phosphorus.

It was his favourite trick.

So...

after Alex Deakin had made his
protest to Mr Clifford on the morning
of the straw woman's ceremony, what did he do?

He invited you into the vicarage
for a coffee?

'I told him I could influence Alan
to reconsecrate the chapel.

Poor man. He was so desperate,
he actually believed me.'

He was sick. Mentally unstable.

Religious belief is a manifestation
of mental illness in my book.

'So I medicated him.
I gave him a sedative.

I put it in his coffee.'

'I chose the moment when I knew Liz
Francis was busy with the children.

I knew her stupid straw woman
was in the shed.'

After the death of his beloved Alex,
I knew that Hale would go to the church
that night to pray.

I'd taken Alan's key.

I put the pig's head on the altar...

poured toluene onto his robes.

It was quite impressive.

The others were easy.

Cole left a message on Jo's mobile.

I picked it up
and went to meet him at the church.

Why Liz?

She'd read the parish records.

She knew I'd read them,
and she worked out what I'd done.

After she'd arranged to meet me
at the church, I found her there alone.

So you...burned her alive.

I had to.

Kate?

Kate.

For what's it's worth...
I hope you'll stay.

Thank you.

Do you know why that pub's
called The Oak?

No.

There used to be an old tree
on that spot.

The first Katherine Malpas
was hanged there.

Hanged?

There were no witches burnt
in this village.

Only straw women.

Still, everyone loves
a good bonfire, eh?