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1
00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:08,541
{\an8}ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
ATTENTION UP HERE.
2
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:10,276
{\an8}WHAT...
3
00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:12,512
{\an8}HOW...
4
00:00:14,981 --> 00:00:16,649
{\an8}HELLO. [CLAPS]
5
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,451
{\an8}FELDMAN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
6
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:19,419
{\an8}SEXTING.
7
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:20,787
{\an8}YOU'RE TEXTING.
8
00:00:20,887 --> 00:00:22,589
{\an8}NO, SEXTING.
9
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,025
{\an8}MY GIRLFRIEND'S SENDING ME
NASTY TEXT MESSAGES,
10
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:28,228
{\an8}AND, UH,
I'M HITTIN' HER BACK.
11
00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:29,429
{\an8}GIVE ME THAT.
12
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:30,897
{\an8}HEY!
13
00:00:30,997 --> 00:00:34,501
{\an8}WHOA. I WASN'T ABLE
TO DO THIS KIND OF STUFF
TILL I WAS 40,
14
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:36,269
{\an8}AND I HAD TO BUY
A DIAMOND. HEH.
15
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,404
{\an8}OK.
16
00:00:37,504 --> 00:00:39,172
{\an8}ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
HERE'S THE POINT.
17
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:41,241
{\an8}EVERYBODY, ENOUGH WITH
THE ELECTRONIC DEVICES.
18
00:00:41,341 --> 00:00:42,308
{\an8}TURN 'EM OFF.
19
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:44,344
{\an8}AND NO MORE OF THIS
"STAR TREK" CRAP.
20
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:46,312
{\an8}[DEAF ACCENT]
SIR, THAT'S MY HEARING AID.
21
00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:49,315
{\an8}OH. THIS IS
AN ACTUAL HEARING AID?
22
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:52,786
{\an8}I--I THOUGHT YOU
WERE IGNORING ME
THIS WHOLE TIME.
23
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:53,787
{\an8}WHAT?
24
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,723
{\an8}UH, SORRY.
25
00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:59,459
{\an8}YOU CAN PUT
THAT BACK ON.
26
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:00,860
{\an8}OK, EVERYBODY ELSE,
27
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,262
{\an8}ENOUGH WITH THE GADGETS.
28
00:01:02,362 --> 00:01:03,263
{\an8}PUT 'EM AWAY.
29
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:04,197
{\an8}BUT WE NEED THEM.
30
00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:05,532
{\an8}ABRAHAM LINCOLN
WENT THROUGH
31
00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:07,834
{\an8}HIS WHOLE PRESIDENCY
WITHOUT A BEEPER.
32
00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:09,169
{\an8}WHAT'S A BEEPER?
33
00:01:09,269 --> 00:01:11,538
{\an8}NEVER MIND.
OK, I AM NOW BANNING
34
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:15,708
{\an8}ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES,
INCLUDING LAPTOPS.
35
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:18,478
{\an8}BUT WE USE THEM IN ALL
OF OUR OTHER CLASSES.
36
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,879
{\an8}IT'S HOW WE TAKE NOTES.
37
00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:21,414
{\an8}OK, HEY.
HERE'S A WACKY IDEA.
38
00:01:21,514 --> 00:01:23,283
{\an8}YOU WANNA TAKE NOTES,
USE A NOTEBOOK.
39
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:24,751
{\an8}BUT YOU SAID NO LAPTOPS.
40
00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:25,819
{\an8}THAT'S CORRECT.
41
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,687
{\an8}A NOTEBOOK IS A LAPTOP.
42
00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:29,556
{\an8}SHUT UP.
43
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,791
{\an8}DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S
HAPPENING, PEOPLE?
44
00:01:31,891 --> 00:01:33,293
{\an8}THE MACHINES ARE
GETTING SMARTER,
45
00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:35,261
{\an8}AND WE'RE
GETTING DUMBER.
46
00:01:35,361 --> 00:01:36,996
{\an8}DO YOU THINK
ANY OF THESE DEVICES
47
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,999
{\an8}ARE GONNA TELL YOU WHEN
CUSTER'S LAST STAND WAS?
48
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:46,840
{\an8}1876.
1876.
49
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:50,910
{\an8}THAT'S RIGHT.
50
00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,915
{\an8}"PETER PAN"? REALLY?
51
00:01:56,015 --> 00:01:57,016
{\an8}IT'S A CLASSIC.
52
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,718
{\an8}WHEN I RAN
THE THEATER DEPARTMENT,
53
00:01:58,818 --> 00:02:00,220
{\an8}WE ONLY DID SHAKESPEARE.
54
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,456
{\an8}YEAH, WELL, I RUN
THE THEATER DEPARTMENT
NOW, MR. HARRIS.
55
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:05,692
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU CAST
56
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,428
A 300-POUND GIRL
TO PLAY PETER PAN.
57
00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:11,264
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
HER FATHER PAID FOR
THE PULLEYS.
58
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,900
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.
WHEN SHE GOES UP,
59
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,168
THERE WILL BE APPLAUSE.
60
00:02:15,268 --> 00:02:17,437
EHH. GEHH.
61
00:02:18,905 --> 00:02:20,673
WELL, THAT'S MY POINT,
WHITEY.
62
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,075
YEAH.
DON'T YOU SEE?
63
00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:24,010
WITHOUT THEIR
CELL PHONES,
THESE KIDS KNOW NOTHING.
64
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,445
UH-HUH.
THEY DON'T LEARN ANYTHING,
65
00:02:25,545 --> 00:02:27,380
BECAUSE THEY DON'T
HAVE TO LEARN ANYTHING.
66
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:28,815
YOU'RE JUST BEING
OLD-FASHIONED,
EDDIE.
67
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,250
YOU GOTTA GET
WITH THE TIMES.
68
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:31,351
AH, PLEASE. HEY, HONEY.
69
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:32,919
HI, LOVE OF MY LIFE.
70
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,521
HOW ARE YOU?
WHITEY.
71
00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:35,855
HI, JOY.
MM-HMM.
72
00:02:35,955 --> 00:02:37,957
OOH. DID YOU DO
SOMETHING NEW
WITH YOUR HAIR?
73
00:02:38,057 --> 00:02:39,959
NO.
YOU SHOULD.
74
00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:41,261
[EDDIE LAUGHS]
75
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:42,829
I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST A JOKE
76
00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:45,565
I GOT OFF AN APP
CALLED iFUNNY.
77
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:49,035
WHITEY, I WOULDN'T
FIGURE YOU TO BE A PHONE GUY.
78
00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,004
YEAH, I USED
TO BE A LUDDITE,
79
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,673
BUT I'LL TELL YOU,
THIS LITTLE
CRACKBERRY HERE
80
00:02:53,773 --> 00:02:54,707
HAS CHANGED MY LIFE.
81
00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:55,875
I'M TELLIN' YOU, WHITEY,
82
00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:57,810
THAT THING, IT'S THE DEVIL.
IT'S NO GOOD.
83
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,846
AH, I USED TO THINK
LIKE YOU, EDDIE.
84
00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:01,581
BUT THERE ABSOLUTELY
IS NOTHING
85
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,917
YOU CANNOT DO WITH
ONE OF THESE BABIES.
86
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:07,086
DO YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT THE CURRENT
TEMPERATURE IS
87
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,521
IN NOME, ALASKA?
88
00:03:08,621 --> 00:03:09,856
NO. WHY WOULD I?
89
00:03:09,956 --> 00:03:12,292
14 BELOW, AND
THAT IS WITHOUT
THE WIND CHILL.
90
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:14,761
MM-HMM. AND HOW DOES
THAT HELP ME?
91
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,697
BECAUSE INFORMATION
IS POWER,
92
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:21,000
AND WITH THIS,
I'M LIKE ZEUS.
93
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,936
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE
YOUR CELL PHONE?
94
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:23,970
I LIKE IT FINE.
95
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:26,406
IT DOES EVERYTHING
I NEED IT TO DO.
96
00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:28,841
I CAN MAKE CALLS.
I CAN RECEIVE CALLS.
97
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,543
I CAN SCREEN CALLS. MM-HMM.
98
00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:31,911
HAS A CUTE
LITTLE CALCULATOR.
99
00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:33,546
THAT'S ANCIENT
TECHNOLOGY, JOY.
100
00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:37,016
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M DOIN' RIGHT HERE
ON MY PHONE?
101
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:39,185
HMM?
FARMING.
102
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,286
YOU'RE FARMING?
103
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:41,221
YES, I AM.
104
00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:42,755
I AM HARVESTING
MY WHEAT,
105
00:03:42,855 --> 00:03:47,460
AND LATER,
I AM GOING TO FIX
MY VIRTUAL FENCES
106
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,029
AND MILK
MY VIRTUAL COWS.
107
00:03:50,129 --> 00:03:51,030
WHY?
108
00:03:51,130 --> 00:03:52,098
BECAUSE THEIR TEATS
WILL BECOME
109
00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,800
ENGORGED WITH MILK
IF I DON'T.
110
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,035
YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE,
SHOULD KNOW THAT.
111
00:03:58,371 --> 00:04:00,006
OK, HANG ON.
112
00:04:00,106 --> 00:04:02,075
CROWS ARE EATING
MY CORN.
113
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:04,711
YOU KNOW, THEY DO SAY
THOSE THINGS ARE
PRETTY FANTASTIC.
114
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,579
LOOK, DON'T GET
SUCKED IN, JOY.
115
00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:08,848
ONCE WE LET THE MACHINES
START CONTROLLING US,
116
00:04:08,948 --> 00:04:12,151
WELL, THEY--UM,
AM I ONLY ONE WHO
SAW "TERMINATOR"?
117
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,286
OH, CALM DOWN.
118
00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,154
YOU'RE OVERREACTING.
119
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:18,858
OH, LOOK. DUFFY JUST
GIFTED ME A GERBIL.
120
00:04:18,958 --> 00:04:21,594
NOW, WHERE DO
I PUT IT?
121
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:23,730
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
122
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,965
EVEN WHITEY IS
BEING TAKEN OVER
BY THE MACHINES.
123
00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:27,533
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
124
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:29,836
THE MACHINES ARE GONNA
START HARVESTING US
FOR ENERGY.
125
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,405
AND WHAT DO WE BECOME,
HMM? BATTERIES.
126
00:04:32,505 --> 00:04:34,140
MMM. HERE.
127
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,042
GOTTA GO CHECK
ON MY ACTRESS.
128
00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:37,977
WHEN YOU HAVE
A 300-POUND STAR,
129
00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:40,980
GIVES CHEWING THE SCENERY
A WHOLE NEW MEANING.
130
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,348
IT'S MY FAULT, THOUGH.
131
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:45,018
I PUT OATMEAL
IN THE PAPIER-MOCHE.
132
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:45,985
[BLOWS KISS]
133
00:04:46,085 --> 00:04:47,320
AH, LOOK AT THIS, EDDIE.
134
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:49,956
DO YOU SEE A WOMAN
STANDING ON HER HEAD
135
00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:51,557
OR A YUCCA TREE?
136
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:55,128
WHICH DO
YOU SEE?
137
00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:00,066
ARE YOU ALMOST DONE
ON THE COMPUTER, DOUG?
138
00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,601
IN A MINUTE.
139
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,537
WELL, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE
TO GET YOUR HANDS
140
00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:09,075
OFF THE KEYBOARD AND
ONTO SOMETHING MORE FUN?
141
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:13,413
UH-HUH.
142
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:16,949
UH, I'M MAKING
MY SEXY FACE.
143
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:24,924
I'M MAKING GOO-GOO EYES.
144
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:26,659
UH...
145
00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:31,230
AWESOME.
146
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,865
YOU DON'T FIND ME
ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE
147
00:05:32,965 --> 00:05:34,734
NOW THAT I'M PREGNANT,
DO YOU?
148
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,502
OH, SUGAR PIE,
149
00:05:36,602 --> 00:05:37,737
CAPTAIN CRUNCH,
150
00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,238
YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU.
151
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:42,241
I'M--I'M JUST--
I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF
SOMETHING RIGHT NOW.
152
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,211
I DON'T GET IT.
I THOUGHT YOU
HATED TECHNOLOGY.
153
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:48,181
WELL, I--I DO
IN THE HANDS OF EVIL MEN,
154
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,016
BUT IT CAN BE USED
FOR GOOD, TOO, ALLY.
155
00:05:50,116 --> 00:05:54,053
OK, HONEY. WELL, I AM
JUST GONNA BE OVER HERE
156
00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:57,256
DOING MY DANCE
OF SEDUCTION. HMM.
157
00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:00,760
[SIGHS]
158
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,028
ALLY, STOP--STOP DOING--
159
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:03,863
GAH, YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT DOES TO ME.
160
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:06,933
I DON'T CARE.
I'M DOIN' IT.
I'M DOIN' IT.
161
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:09,769
GOD, THAT'S HOT.
162
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,939
YOU DIRTY GIRL.
163
00:06:14,474 --> 00:06:15,041
WHOA.
164
00:06:22,582 --> 00:06:24,851
[DEEP]
FREEZE, BITCH.
165
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,219
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
166
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,388
YOU DON'T DO THAT
TO SOMEONE IN
A PUBLIC SCHOOL.
167
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:29,922
IT'S NOT REAL.
168
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:33,159
[BLOWS]
169
00:06:33,259 --> 00:06:38,431
LOOK, I UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU BANNED ALL
ELECTRONIC DEVICES.
170
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:39,732
THAT'S CORRECT.
171
00:06:39,832 --> 00:06:41,801
I FIND THEM TO BE
A NUISANCE AND
A DISTRACTION.
172
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,736
I HATE 'EM ALMOST
AS MUCH AS I HATE--
173
00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:46,172
WELL, YOU KNOW.
174
00:06:46,272 --> 00:06:47,306
HEH HEH HEH.
175
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,242
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
IF I CARED?
176
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:52,678
LISTEN. UH, THOSE DEVICES
ARE FOR LEARNING.
177
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:55,314
WHERE PREVIOUSLY YOU
WERE A TOOL FOR LEARNING,
178
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,483
NOW YOU'RE JUST A TOOL.
179
00:06:57,583 --> 00:07:00,186
WELL, I HAVE
JURISDICTION
180
00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:01,687
OVER MY OWN
CLASSROOM.
181
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:02,655
[LAUGHS]
182
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,924
[SNORTS] WRONG.
183
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:05,925
WRONG, WRONG.
184
00:07:06,025 --> 00:07:07,627
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
185
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:11,564
AH HEH HEH. CHILDREN
MUST HAVE ACCESS
TO THEIR CELL PHONES.
186
00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:14,500
EITHER THE MACHINES STAY,
OR YOU GO.
187
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:15,468
OH.
188
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:17,236
HEY, MY CANNON.
189
00:07:17,336 --> 00:07:19,105
MY CANNON.
190
00:07:20,306 --> 00:07:21,707
MISTRESS.
191
00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:22,708
WORM.
192
00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,977
THANK YOU.
193
00:07:25,077 --> 00:07:26,813
WOW. WHAT A WOMAN.
194
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:27,847
YEAH.
195
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,215
WHAT A MAN.
196
00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:31,751
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
197
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,654
LOOK, EDDIE, UH,
I DECIDED TO DRAG YOU
198
00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:37,123
KICKING AND SCREAMING
INTO THE 21st CENTURY.
199
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:38,424
I WENT TO THE STORE
LAST NIGHT.
200
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:41,427
I WAS GONNA LOOK
FOR THE NEW MODEL OF MY PHONE.
201
00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:44,397
AND THEY HAPPENED
TO BE OFFERING
A 2-FOR-1 SALE.
202
00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:46,532
OH. OH, WHITEY,
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
203
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,367
OH, COME ON.
I WANTED TO.
204
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,803
NO, I REALLY MEAN
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
205
00:07:50,903 --> 00:07:52,171
I--I HATE THESE THINGS.
206
00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:54,240
EDDIE, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE A PRISONER TO THE PHONE.
207
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,776
IT'S JUST ANOTHER WAY FOR
YOU AND I TO STAY IN TOUCH.
208
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:58,411
WE CAN TEXT EACH OTHER
ALL DAY LONG.
209
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:01,113
I MEAN, THE ONLY TIME
I'LL BE OUT OF TOUCH IS--
210
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:02,548
IS REALLY BETWEEN
10:00 AND MIDNIGHT.
211
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:05,384
THAT'S WHEN I'M USUALLY
HANDCUFFED TO A SHOWER ROD.
212
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,686
IT'S GREAT FOR THE BACK.
213
00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:08,187
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
BUT IT'S ALL ACTIVATED
214
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:09,622
IN YOUR NAME,
READY TO GO.
215
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:11,824
YEAH. YOU KNOW,
THAT'S--OK, THAT'S
VERY SWEET OF YOU.
216
00:08:11,924 --> 00:08:13,125
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO I OWE YOU?
217
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,561
NOTHING. JUST A SMILE.
218
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,129
THE PHONE'S FREE,
MY FRIEND.
219
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,031
ALL RIGHT. WELL,
I HAVE TO WARN YOU,
220
00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,400
I'M NOT ONE OF THESE
TECHNOLOGY GUYS, SO I--
221
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,835
OPEN IT UP.
SLIDE IT A LITTLE BIT.
222
00:08:22,935 --> 00:08:24,203
HOW? HOW ARE YOU
SLIDING IT?
223
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:25,805
THERE. SEE?
THERE'S GONNA BE A KEYBOARD.
224
00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:26,873
OK.
THERE YOU GO.
225
00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:27,874
AH. ALL RIGHT.
226
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:29,141
[CELL PHONE TONE]
OH. HEAR THAT?
227
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,177
WHAT? I--WHAT
DOES THAT MEAN?
228
00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:33,913
I THINK SOMEBODY HAS
TEXTED YOU A MESSAGE.
229
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,148
WELL, THANK YOU, WHITEY.
230
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,184
YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY,
TOO.
231
00:08:38,284 --> 00:08:40,953
YEAH, BUT SEE,
YOU DON'T TELL ME THAT.
232
00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:42,822
YOU TEXT ME THAT.
233
00:08:42,922 --> 00:08:44,590
I TE--ALL RIGHT,
SO HOW DO I DO THAT?
234
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,125
IT'S SO SIMPLE.
SEE THE KEYBOARD?
235
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,427
{\an5}YEAH. YEAH.
YOU TYPE IN WHATEVER
YOU'RE GONNA TYPE IN.
236
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,596
IT'S SO SMALL.
MY--MY THUMBS ARE--
237
00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:51,864
USE YOUR LITTLE FINGERS.
238
00:08:51,964 --> 00:08:53,733
ANYTHING WITH A POINT.
239
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,701
PEOPLE--
OK.
240
00:08:55,801 --> 00:08:56,769
OK, AND THEN?
241
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,204
ALL RIGHT,
THEN OVER HERE, HIT THAT.
242
00:08:58,304 --> 00:08:59,639
RIGHT.
AND THEN PRESS SEND.
243
00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:00,873
OK.
BINGO. THAT'S IT.
244
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:02,775
[CELL PHONE TONE]
OH! EXCUSE ME.
245
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,377
SOMEONE'S TEXTING ME.
Y-YEAH.
246
00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,679
THAT'S ME. I JUST
TEXTED YOU FROM
THIS RIGHT HERE.
247
00:09:06,779 --> 00:09:08,214
I CAN'T--
THAT IS SO FAST.
248
00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:09,181
IS THAT FUN?
249
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,449
I CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW FAST.
250
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:11,384
LET'S GO AGAIN.
251
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:12,552
OK, LET'S DO
ANOTHER ONE.
252
00:09:12,652 --> 00:09:13,886
OK. ALL RIGHT.
253
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:15,688
OK, BUT I DON'T
WANT YOU TO SEE
WHAT I'M DOING,
254
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:17,623
SO I'M GONNA--
I'M GONNA--OK.
255
00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:20,560
HUH? [LAUGHS]
256
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:23,829
WELL, SHE DOESN'T,
BUT I WISH SHE WOULD.
257
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,704
WHAT TIME IS IT?
258
00:09:31,804 --> 00:09:33,873
WELL, IN LONDON,
IT IS 9 A.M.
259
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:36,242
IN ROME,
IT IS 10 A.M.
260
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:39,245
AND IN HONOLULU,
IT'S ALSO 10:00,
BUT LAST NIGHT.
261
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:40,913
HUH? THIS IS
AN UNBELIEVABLE PHONE.
262
00:09:41,013 --> 00:09:44,483
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA TEXT WHITEY
AND THANK HIM AGAIN.
263
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,751
COME ON, EDDIE.
TURN IT OFF.
264
00:09:45,851 --> 00:09:47,353
WE HAVE TO BE UP AT 7:00.
265
00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:50,556
OK, THEN I WILL
SET THE ALARM.
266
00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:52,158
[CAR ALARM BLARING]
267
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:53,593
WHAT THE HELL?
268
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:55,127
IT'S A CAR-ALARM ALARM.
269
00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:59,031
AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU
ALWAYS SAID YOU WANTED
TO GO TO FRANCE?
270
00:09:59,131 --> 00:10:00,399
[FRENCH POLICE SIREN]
271
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:02,868
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH, EDDIE.
GO TO SLEEP.
272
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:03,803
OK.
273
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:05,538
OOP.
WHITEY JUST HIT ME,
274
00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:08,808
AND APPARENTLY DUFFY
JUST HIT HIM.
275
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:10,509
EDDIE.
OK.
276
00:10:16,582 --> 00:10:18,117
OFF.
277
00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:20,219
ALL RIGHT.
278
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,223
IT'S DARK IN HERE.
279
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,401
[COMPUTER TONE SOUNDS]
280
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:49,515
WHO THE HELL
IS APPOLLONIA?
281
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,954
MOM, I GOTTA
TALK TO YOU.
282
00:10:55,054 --> 00:10:57,189
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON. WHAT'S UP?
283
00:10:57,289 --> 00:10:58,891
I THINK DOUG
IS CHEATING ON ME.
284
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:00,493
HA HA. GOD, COME ON.
285
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:03,562
NO, I'M SERIOUS.
I--I FOUND MESSAGES
ON THE COMPUTER
286
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,464
FROM SOME WOMAN
NAMED APPOLLONIA.
287
00:11:05,564 --> 00:11:08,067
WELL, HAVE YOU ACTUALLY
SEEN THIS WOMAN?
288
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,269
NO, BUT I'VE
SEEN HER AVATAR.
289
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:11,671
HERE. TAKE A LOOK.
290
00:11:11,771 --> 00:11:12,738
HOLY.
291
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,507
I KNOW.
SHE'S 8 FEET TALL
292
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:17,743
WITH GIANT BOOBS AND
A TINY WAIST AND WINGS.
293
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,546
I CAN'T COMPETE WITH
A TRAMP WITH WINGS.
294
00:11:20,646 --> 00:11:21,714
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
295
00:11:21,814 --> 00:11:22,948
I DON'T KNOW, ALLISON.
296
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,417
THIS DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE DOUG.
297
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,619
I KNOW, AND THAT'S
WHAT SCARES ME.
298
00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:29,822
I MEAN, WHAT IF--
WHAT IF IT'S HIDDEN
DOUG OR SECRET DOUG?
299
00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:32,692
OR KINKY DOUG?
300
00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:35,194
YOU THINK HE'S ACTUALLY
MEETING UP WITH HER?
301
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:36,062
NO.
302
00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:37,797
I DO THINK
THAT HIS CARTOON
303
00:11:37,897 --> 00:11:39,465
IS MEETING UP
WITH HER CARTOON,
304
00:11:39,565 --> 00:11:41,701
AND WHAT IF THEY'RE
HAVING CARTOON SEX?
305
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:44,737
WHAT OTHER KIND OF SEX
IS THERE, ALLY?
306
00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:47,106
I'M SERIOUS.
307
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:48,874
WHAT SHOULD I DO
ABOUT THIS?
308
00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:52,812
OK, WE HAVEN'T HAD THE MEN
ONLINE DISCUSSION, HAVE WE?
309
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,980
NO.
YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.
310
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:56,782
LISTEN, TO WOMEN,
311
00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:58,217
THIS IS A COMPUTER.
312
00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:01,220
TO MEN,
IT'S A CYBER PEEP SHOW.
313
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,255
I'M TELLING YOU.
TYPE IN ANYTHING--
314
00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:04,356
"HARDWOOD FLOORS,"
315
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,591
"PANCAKE BREAKFAST,"
316
00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:06,726
"OPEN-FACE SANDWICH"--
317
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:07,993
EVERYTHING LEADS TO PORN.
318
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:11,163
Y-YOU KNOW HOW WE GO ONLINE
AND MAYBE WE FIND
319
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:14,834
A PAIR OF SHOES THAT WE
CAN'T AFFORD OR FIT INTO?
320
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:17,169
MEN DO THE SAME THING
WITH WOMEN.
321
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:19,271
OH, WOMEN THEY
CAN'T AFFORD OR
322
00:12:19,371 --> 00:12:20,639
FIT INTO?
FIT INTO.
323
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,708
EXACTLY. MM-HMM.
324
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:25,945
WELL, WHAT AM I
GONNA DO?
325
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:29,482
SWEETIE, I THINK YOU JUST HAVE
A CONVERSATION WITH HIM.
326
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,083
JUST CONFRONT HIM,
YOU KNOW.
327
00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:33,052
THERE'S GOTTA BE
AN EXPLANATION.
328
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:36,455
WELL, WHAT DO I DO
IF I FIND OUT THAT HE
REALLY IS CHEATING?
329
00:12:36,555 --> 00:12:37,623
WELL, YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING.
330
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:39,358
YOUR FATHER AND I
WILL KILL HIM.
331
00:12:39,458 --> 00:12:40,359
OH.
332
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:42,762
THANKS. THAT MAKES
ME FEEL BETTER.
333
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,197
COME HERE, BABY.
334
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,802
[CHUCKLING]
335
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:51,604
HO!
336
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:52,972
HI, HONEY.
337
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,108
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
338
00:12:56,208 --> 00:12:58,844
OH, EXCHANGING RECIPES
WITH EDDIE.
339
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:00,312
OH?
340
00:13:00,412 --> 00:13:02,581
YEAH, I GOT HIM ONE
OF THESE NEW SMARTPHONES,
341
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:04,550
AND WE'VE BEEN
COMMUNICATING THAT WAY.
342
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:05,584
HE JUST LOVES IT.
343
00:13:05,684 --> 00:13:07,553
HEH. YOU GOT
A FREE PHONE,
344
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:09,955
AND YOU GAVE IT
TO EDDIE STARK,
345
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:13,392
THE ONE PERSON
I AM COMMITTED
TO DESTROYING?
346
00:13:13,492 --> 00:13:16,996
WELL, HE'S MY FRIEND,
AND I WANTED TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.
347
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:17,997
HAPPY?
348
00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:19,331
[POP]
349
00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:23,402
OH, LOOK AT THIS. LOOK.
HE SENT ANOTHER ONE.
350
00:13:23,502 --> 00:13:24,403
LOOK. HE SAYS L-O-L.
351
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:25,638
THAT MEANS "LAUGH OUT LOUD."
352
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,574
AND SO I'M GONNA SEND
BACK TO HIM R-O-F-L.
353
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:30,676
THAT MEANS "ROLLING
ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING."
354
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,745
IT'S A--IT'S A HEIGHTENED
ELEVATION OF LAUGHING.
355
00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:35,281
IT'S A MORE INTENSE
LAUGHING.
356
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:37,683
IS THIS NEW LEVEL
OF MY COMMUNICATION WITH EDDIE
357
00:13:37,783 --> 00:13:39,819
MAKING YOU ANGRY?
358
00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:41,487
YES.
359
00:13:41,587 --> 00:13:44,723
ENOUGH TO PUNISH ME?
360
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,725
OHH.
361
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,394
I SEE.
362
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,662
OH, I SEE. I--
363
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:52,865
YOU'RE TRYING
TO TRICK ME INTO
PUNISHING YOU.
364
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:56,168
OH, YOU CAN SEE
RIGHT THROUGH ME.
365
00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:58,838
WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
NO.
366
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:00,539
I'M GONNA PUNISH YOU...
UH-HUH.
367
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,141
BY NOT
PUNISHING YOU.
368
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:03,108
NO.
YEAH.
369
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:04,276
YOU MADE
EDDIE STARK HAPPY.
370
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,512
SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GET EDDIE STARK
371
00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:09,448
TO BEND YOU
OVER HIS KNEE
SO HE CAN SPANK YOU,
372
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:12,084
SO YOU CAN JUST CRY
LIKE A NAUGHTY
LITTLE SCHOOLGIRL?
373
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,919
YEAH, WELL, I DON'T
WANT EDDIE TO DO IT.
374
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,020
I WANT YOU TO.
375
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,857
WELL, I'M NOT GONNA.
376
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:19,058
[GASPS]
377
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:21,727
YOU KNOW, NO BALL GAG
FOR YOU TONIGHT, LUCY.
378
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:27,266
DEAR DIARY,
379
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:30,402
NO BALL GAG ON THURSDAY.
380
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:38,711
YOU KNOW, WHITEY MAY BE
THE MOST ANNOYING MAN
ON THE PLANET,
381
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:42,114
BUT IF HE CAN TEACH YOU
TO COOK LIKE THAT,
382
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,482
OH, MY. THAT WAS DELICIOUS.
383
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,851
YEAH. YOU KNOW,
THE EXTRA-VIRGIN
OLIVE OIL
384
00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,519
WAS ACTUALLY
WHITEY'S IDEA.
385
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,022
HOW CAN YOU BE
AN EXTRA VIRGIN?
386
00:14:50,122 --> 00:14:51,457
THAT'S JUST SHOWING OFF.
387
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,424
HEH HEH.
388
00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:54,827
THAT'S FUNNY, HONEY.
YEAH.
389
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:56,495
OH, IT WAS SO GOOD,
390
00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:58,264
ESPECIALLY AFTER
THE DAY I HAD.
391
00:14:58,364 --> 00:14:59,932
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
WHAT HAPPENED?
392
00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:02,534
WELL, PETER PAN'S
PULLEYS SNAPPED,
393
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:06,972
AND NOW 3 OF THE LOST BOYS
ARE LOST.
394
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:10,542
WELL, I THINK
I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHERE
THEY MIGHT BE.
395
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,044
HEH. TERRIBLE.
396
00:15:12,144 --> 00:15:13,012
HEH HEH HEH.
397
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:14,013
YOU KNOW...
YES?
398
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,981
DINNER WAS SO GOOD,
399
00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:19,652
THAT I WAS THINKING
OF TREATING YOU TO
A LITTLE DESSERT. [POP]
400
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,254
REALLY? WELL,
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
401
00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:24,957
COME HERE, YOU.
402
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,468
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH.
403
00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:37,569
WHAT--WHAT--
WHAT?
404
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:38,904
WHAT WERE YOU
LOOKING AT?
405
00:15:39,004 --> 00:15:40,839
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKI--I WASN'T
LOOKING AT ANY--
406
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,741
LOOK, YOU KNOW
I HAVE A LAZY EYE.
407
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:44,743
OH, STOP IT.
408
00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:45,945
WERE YOU--
409
00:15:46,045 --> 00:15:47,980
YOU WERE LOOKING
AT YOUR PHONE, WEREN'T YOU?
410
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:48,981
THAT'S CRAZY.
411
00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,215
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
NO.
412
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:51,483
EDDIE, IT'S UNDER
MY PILLOW.
413
00:15:51,583 --> 00:15:52,785
THERE IT IS.
THANK YOU.
414
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,653
I'VE BEEN
LOOKING ALL OVER
FOR THAT PHONE.
415
00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:56,922
I'M LIKE, "IS IT
IN THE KITCHEN?
IS IT--"
416
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,924
YOU ARE SO FULL OF IT.
417
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:02,094
WHAT IS MORE INTERESTING
ON THIS PHONE THAN ME?
418
00:16:02,194 --> 00:16:03,095
NOTHING.
419
00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:04,096
HUH? NOTHING?
420
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:05,397
BASEBALL.
421
00:16:05,497 --> 00:16:06,799
BASEBALL?
LOOK.
422
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,267
LET ME--LET ME
SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
423
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:10,469
ON THIS LITTLE
DEVICE, I ACTUALLY
DOWNLOADED AN APP
424
00:16:10,569 --> 00:16:11,737
WHERE YOU CAN
WATCH A BALLGAME
425
00:16:11,837 --> 00:16:13,005
AT ANY TIME
ON THIS PHONE.
426
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:16,075
NOT WHILE YOU'RE IN BED
WITH ME, YOU CAN'T.
427
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,176
YES, ANYWHERE.
NO.
428
00:16:17,276 --> 00:16:18,310
IT WORKS ANYWHERE
AROUND THE HOUSE.
429
00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:19,378
EDDIE, LISTEN TO ME.
YEAH.
430
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,512
WHEN WE ARE
IN BED TOGETHER,
431
00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:22,448
I NEED YOU TO BE
FOCUSED ON ME.
432
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:23,315
UH-HUH. OK.
433
00:16:23,415 --> 00:16:24,283
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
434
00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:25,684
A-AND YOU'RE
MAKING MY POINT,
435
00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:27,753
BECAUSE I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU--
IF YOU KNEW THIS,
436
00:16:27,853 --> 00:16:29,421
BUT DURING THE ACT,
YOU SEE,
437
00:16:29,521 --> 00:16:30,956
WHEN THE MAN THINKS
ABOUT BASEBALL,
438
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:34,093
HE IS ACTUALLY ABLE
TO PROLONG HIS TIME
IN THE DUGOUT,
439
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:35,694
SO IT--IT'S A
WIN-WIN FOR EVERY--
440
00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:38,897
I LEARNED--I LEARNED
THAT ON AN APP
CALLED iGASMS. HERE.
441
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,532
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
GIVE ME THAT PHONE.
442
00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:42,368
NO. NO, I CAN'T.
I'M GETTING RID OF IT.
443
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:43,335
NO, LISTEN TO ME.
444
00:16:43,435 --> 00:16:45,004
I CAN'T BE
WITHOUT THIS PHONE.
445
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:47,606
ALL THE INFORMATION
IN THE WORLD IS ON HERE.
446
00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:50,442
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE
SEEDS ON A STRAWBERRY
447
00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:53,579
ARE THE ACTUAL FRUIT AND
NOT THE BERRY ITSELF?
448
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:54,980
IT'S NOT
THE BERRY ITSELF.
449
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,982
I'M TELLING YOU IT IS
ALL ON THIS PHONE.
450
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:57,950
SAY GOOD-BYE.
I--NO.
451
00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,151
GIVE IT TO ME.
GI-GIMME THIS.
452
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:00,352
BECAUSE I WON'T
BE ABLE TO KNOW ALL THAT
453
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:01,587
INTERESTING CRAP
IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY.
454
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:02,721
NO. I'M TAKING IT AWAY.
455
00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:04,390
COME ON. YOU'RE ACTING
LIKE A WACKO.
456
00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,191
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
COME ON. GIVE ME THE PHONE.
457
00:17:06,291 --> 00:17:08,927
GIVE ME THE PHONE.
GIVE ME THE PHONE!
458
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,929
JOY!
[FLUSH]
459
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,664
MY GOD, WHAT IS HAPPENING?
460
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,833
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS. WHAT--
461
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:17,136
LISTEN. DID...YOU...
462
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:18,437
CALM DOWN.
CALM--CALM DOWN?
463
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:19,805
EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE FINE.
464
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:21,073
NO. IT'S NOT GONNA BE FINE.
465
00:17:21,173 --> 00:17:22,307
YES, IT IS.
466
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:24,143
AND I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHY. DID YOU--DID YOU--
467
00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:27,346
IT IS LIKE YOU
PULLED THE AIR HOSE
OUT OF MY MOUTH.
468
00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:29,648
I'M--I'M DROWNING
IN A VOID HERE, JOY.
469
00:17:29,748 --> 00:17:31,717
I AM DROWNING
IN A FACTLESS VOID.
470
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:32,818
DID YOU FLUSH MY PHONE?
471
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:34,386
I FLUSHED YOUR PHONE.
472
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:38,390
O-M-G!
473
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,530
WHO THE HELL IS APPOLLONIA?
474
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:46,532
UH, YOU WOULDN'T
UNDERSTAND.
475
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:49,034
I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND?
WHY WOULDN'T I UNDERSTAND, DOUG?
476
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,970
BECAUSE APPOLLONIA IS
FROM ANOTHER WORLD.
477
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,839
WHAT IS SHE,
A STRIPPER?
478
00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:56,341
NO. NO,
SHE'S AN EMPRESS.
479
00:17:56,442 --> 00:18:00,145
WAIT. ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME THAT YOU'RE
FOOLING AROUND WITH AN EMPRESS?
480
00:18:00,212 --> 00:18:02,781
NO. I'M NOT FOOLING
AROUND WITH HER, ALLY.
481
00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:05,184
I MEAN, ALTHOUGH SHE--
SHE THINKS I AM.
482
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:07,086
BUT THE--THE TRUTH IS
483
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:09,188
I'M PLANNING
TO KILL HER.
484
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:10,722
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
485
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:13,125
I'M TALKING ABOUT
"GLOBAL DOMINATION,"
486
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,827
THE MASSIVELY
MULTIPLAYER ONLINE
487
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,462
ROLE-PLAYING GAME
I'M INTO.
488
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,030
CHECK IT OUT. SEE,
489
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,099
APPOLLONIA IS
MY ARCHENEMY,
490
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:22,334
AND I'M ABOUT
TO NUKE HER ASS.
491
00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,504
SO APPOLLONIA IS NOT
A REAL PERSON?
492
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:27,072
NO. I MEAN, YES,
493
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:30,509
BUT SHE'S PROBABLY
SOME SAD, PIMPLY-FACED
TEENAGE BOY
494
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:34,179
IN OHIO WITH, LIKE,
A PAPER ROUTE AND
A MEGADETH T-SHIRT.
495
00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,781
AND CARPAL TUNNEL,
BUT--HEH HEH--
496
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:40,152
NOT FROM PLAYIN'
THE COMPUTER, IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
497
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:42,654
I THINK I DO.
498
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,089
LET'S NUKE HIM.
499
00:18:44,189 --> 00:18:45,557
OK. HERE. YOU DO IT.
500
00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:47,092
OH, NO. I DON'T LIKE--
501
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:50,996
GO AHEAD. ALL YOU GOTTA
DO IS PUSH THIS BUTTON
RIGHT HERE,
502
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:54,433
AND APPOLLONIA AND ALL
OF HER FOLLOWERS DIE.
503
00:18:54,533 --> 00:18:57,536
OK. HERE GOES NOTHIN'.
504
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,106
[SHUDDERS]
OHH.
505
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,307
THE POWER.
506
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:05,644
WOW. THAT'S REALLY HOT,
ISN'T IT?
507
00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:07,779
SMOKIN'.
508
00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:11,950
HEY.
509
00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:13,051
HELLO.
510
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,786
HOW WAS SCHOOL?
511
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,455
TERRIBLE.
512
00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:20,659
YOU TOOK AWAY MY PHONE
AND THREW ME RIGHT BACK
INTO THE STONE AGE.
513
00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:22,027
YABBA-DABBA-DOO.
514
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:24,830
THERE MAY BE
A SLIGHT CHANCE
515
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:26,098
THAT I OVERREACTED
A LITTLE
516
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,200
WHEN I FLUSHED YOUR
PHONE DOWN THE TOILET.
517
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,135
A SLIGHT CHANCE, HMM?
YES, A SLIGHT CHANCE.
518
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,471
THERE ALSO MAY BE
A SLIGHT CHANCE
519
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,840
THAT I DIDN'T
REALLY FLUSH IT,
520
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:35,874
AND IT'S RIGHT HERE.
521
00:19:35,974 --> 00:19:37,409
OH, GOD, THANK--
THERE'S A CATCH.
522
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:38,911
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT'S THE CATCH?
523
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:39,945
HERE IS THE CATCH.
524
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:41,547
OH, A PHONE BILL.
LIKE THAT'S--
525
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,016
WOW.
MM-HMM.
526
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,385
THEY CHARGE
FOR RINGTONES?
527
00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:48,053
THEY CHARGE
FOR EVERYTHING.
528
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:51,323
THEY'RE LIKE HOSPITALS
OR HOOKERS.
529
00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:55,027
ALL RIGHT. I GUESS
I'LL JUST GO BACK
TO MY OLD, CHEAP PHONE.
530
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,828
WELL, THAT'S
AN EXCELLENT DECISION.
531
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,297
ONLY, IT'S TOO LATE.
532
00:19:58,397 --> 00:19:59,198
WHY?
533
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:00,332
BECAUSE
YOUR FRIEND WHITEY
534
00:20:00,432 --> 00:20:02,201
SIGNED YOU UP FOR
A 2-YEAR CONTRACT.
535
00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:03,969
THAT'S HOW HE GOT
THE FREE PHONE.
536
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:05,070
AND THERE'S
EARLY-TERMINATION FEES.
537
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:06,171
WELL, HOW MUCH IS THAT?
538
00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:07,806
PUT IT THIS WAY.
IT WOULD BE CHEAPER
539
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:10,442
FOR YOU TO DIVORCE ME
THAN TO TRY TO GET RID
OF THIS THING.
540
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,544
YEAH, BUT THEN I COULD
AFFORD THE PHONE.
541
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:14,146
EDDIE.
OK. ALL RIGHT.
542
00:20:14,246 --> 00:20:16,782
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I'M JUST--I'M JUST
THINKING OUT LOUD HERE.
543
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,517
SO I GET TO KEEP
THE PHONE?
544
00:20:18,617 --> 00:20:20,185
YEAH, YOU GET
TO KEEP IT.
ALL RIGHT.
545
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:21,520
BUT YOU
CAN'T USE IT.
546
00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:24,189
IT'LL BE LIKE
YOUR OLD BETAMAX
PORN COLLECTION.
547
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:25,958
OH. ALL RIGHT,
WELL, SO WHAT?
548
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,161
I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW
THE TEMPERATURE
IN BARCELONA OR...
549
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,630
DON'T HAVE TO WATCH
LIVE BASEBALL OR...
550
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:33,098
KNOW ANY OBSCURE FACTS.
551
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:34,099
MM-HMM.
552
00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:35,934
WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEED
TO BE IN TOUCH
553
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:37,603
WITH WHITEY
24 HOURS A DAY?
554
00:20:39,304 --> 00:20:41,139
WHAT IF I GIVE UP CEREAL?
555
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,741
HEH. LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
556
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:44,710
IF WHITEY AND I WERE
IN A BURNING BUILDING
557
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:46,478
AND YOU COULD
ONLY SAVE ONE OF US,
558
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:47,412
WHO WOULD YOU SAVE?
559
00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:48,981
OK, WELL, LET'S BE CLEAR.
560
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,149
SO THE ONE I DON'T SAVE
ACTUALLY DIES,
561
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,985
AND I NEVER
HAVE TO SEE HER AGAIN?
562
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,019
GIVE ME THAT THING.
563
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:54,953
NO. HONEY--
564
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,521
I AM FLUSHING
THIS THING.
565
00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:59,291
YOU! YOU!
I WOULD SAVE YOU!
566
00:21:02,361 --> 00:21:04,229
{\an8}YOU'RE DEAD.
567
00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:05,631
{\an8}WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
568
00:21:05,731 --> 00:21:07,566
{\an8}YOU DON'T
DO THAT TO SOMEONE
IN A PUBLIC SCHOOL.
569
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:10,269
{\an8}OH. HEH.
BUT IT WASN'T REAL.
570
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:12,137
{\an8}[BLOWS]
571
00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:13,372
{\an8}[LAUGHS] SORRY.
572
00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:14,339
{\an8}[LAUGHTER]
573
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,108
{\an8}I WAS LIKE,
"I GOTTA SPIN IT.
574
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:18,143
{\an8}THEN PUT IT IN
MY FAKE HOLSTER."
575
00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:20,245
{\an8}SPIN IT FIRST.
THAT'S OK. ALL RIGHT.
576
00:21:21,179 --> 00:21:22,614
{\an8}OK.
[CLINK]
577
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:24,883
{\an8}AND THIS IS MAKING
A LOT OF NOISE, ISN'T IT?
578
00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:26,285
{\an8}Man, amplified: YEP.
579
00:21:27,185 --> 00:21:28,487
{\an8}[LAUGHTER]
42687
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