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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:06,400 Brighton, Brighton, Bri... 0h! Britain, Britain, Britain! 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:11,100 Birthplace of William Shakespeare, Mahatma Gandhi and Big Bird. 3 00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:16,500 But what of the ordinary people of Britain? What about them and all their stuff? 4 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:22,200 We aim to find out in what I promise is the final episode of this series. 5 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,200 0h, ma sweet potatoes! 6 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,000 Transvestism in Britain is as popular today as it has always been. 7 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:40,200 I myself am currently wearing a lovely dress that used to belong to my father. 8 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:43,900 - (ENGINE SPLUTTERS) - Oi, mate! 9 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:46,300 - You in the skirt! - Yes? 10 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:49,000 - You couldn't give me a push, could you? - But I'm a lady. 11 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,000 - Please? - Ladies don't push. 12 00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:56,500 - Oh, go on, pal. - All right, then. A little lady's push. 13 00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:05,800 - You couldn't push a bit harder, could you? - It sounds like you've flooded the engine. 14 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,900 - Oh, no! Have I? - Being a lady, I wouldn't really know. 15 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,800 - But you've had the choke out too long. - Really? 16 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:15,600 Oui, oui. Ouvrez le bonnet! 17 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,900 (VERY MALE VOICE) Oh, yeah! You've got a faulty connection with your starter motor. 18 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,800 (LADYLIKE) Try it now. 19 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,500 - (ENGINE PURRS) - Thanks. 20 00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:35,000 - Pleasure's all mine. - You certainly know your stuff. 21 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:40,200 I grew up with three brothers, so I suppose I am a bit of a tomboy! 22 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,000 Yeah, I bet you are. 23 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:54,600 It's twenty to Toby and we're in Wales, which is apparently part of Britain. 24 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:59,900 Absolutely fascinating! It says in here Boy George is a gay! 25 00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:07,400 - Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, please? - Miss Fitzwilliams will serve you. I'm leaving. 26 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:12,400 - Oh, yes? Where are you going? - Well, I got a date, see. 27 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,400 Oooh! 28 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:19,400 Oh, a date. I'd love to go on a date, but I can't as I'm the only gay in the village. 29 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:25,400 - Yes, of course you are. See you tomorrow. - So, who's the lucky fella? 30 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,200 - I don't want to miss my bus. - No, come on! 31 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:33,600 Well, I wasn't planning on telling you tonight, but I suppose you may as well know. 32 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:38,500 - I'm going on a date with another woman. - Oh, I see. Girls' night out, is it? 33 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,700 Look, Daffyd, I'll make no bones about it. 34 00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:48,200 - I've been seeing this girl for a while now. - What? 35 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:54,500 I suppose I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. Ta-ra! 36 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,300 - Hang on just a minute! - What? 37 00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:00,600 - You are not a gay! - I am. 38 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:06,000 - No! I'm the gay in this village! - Well, I'm gay, too. Bye! 39 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:11,000 - Let's just talk about this. - Can we do it later? Rhiannon's waiting for me. 40 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:15,700 Rhiannon? Rhiannon? How far have you gone with this Rhiannon? 41 00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:18,100 Just a bit of fanny fun. 42 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,800 Can I have a large brandy, please, Miss Fitzwilliams? 43 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:28,400 Look, Daffyd, I gotta go. Rhiannon's minge is gonna get cold. 44 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,800 - There you go, Daffyd. - Oh, thank you. 45 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:40,700 - So did you have any idea Myfanwy is a gay? - Not until she joined my lesbian pottery class. 46 00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:46,200 When it comes to getting ready to go out, 47 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:50,700 women in Britain take, on average, six months longer than men. 48 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:55,300 At this house in Quimby, woman Helen is finally ready. 49 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,000 - Ssh! He's just going off. - We'll be late. 50 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:01,000 - The babysitter isn't even here yet. - Is it Saskia again? 51 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:06,000 No, she wasn't available. The agency's sending somebody else. Are these shoes all right? 52 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,200 - Yes, I told you. They're fine. - (DOORBELL RINGS) 53 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,500 - Are you the babysitter? - Babysitter, yes. 54 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:24,000 - Have you done this before? - Yes. I sit baby real good. 55 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,600 Bring her in. 56 00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:31,500 Oh. Hello. I'm Peter. 57 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:33,900 Ah! Pietka! 58 00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:36,100 That was my mother's name! 59 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:42,400 - And you've...you've met my wife, Helen. - Ah! Helen! 60 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:45,200 That was not my mother's name! 61 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:50,300 - Actually, darling, I'm not feeling very well. - It's important. The whole office'll be there. 62 00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:55,000 - Important, office, huh? - All right. 63 00:04:55,000 --> 00:05:00,300 Harvey's over here. He's fine. Any problems and our mobile numbers are on the table. 64 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:05,800 I will make sure nothing happens to your baby! I swear on your life! 65 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:10,900 - Oh, thank you. - If anybody tries to hurt him... 66 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,200 - Well, we shouldn't be too long. - Ssh. 67 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,600 Is nothing. You go, you go! Enjoy! 68 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,200 - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Hello? 69 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,400 - Your baby is fine. - Thank you. 70 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,400 If anything happens, I will phone immediately. 71 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:40,200 - Thank you. - (PHONE RINGS) 72 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,800 - Hello? - Your baby is fine. 73 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,300 Right! Give me the ball! Go and stand over there! 74 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,400 Back at one of her old schools, 75 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:56,600 reformed character Vicky Pollard has been asked to give a speech to her old classmates. 76 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:01,600 OK, gang. Now, for today's General Studies, I've invited someone along 77 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:07,900 who used to be a pupil at this school. Her name is Vicky Pollard. Some of you may remember her. 78 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,400 I said sorry! 79 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:17,500 Now, I'm sure Vicky won't mind me saying that she used to be a bit of a tearaway. 80 00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:22,400 She got caught shoplifting, was sent to a young offenders institution, 81 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:27,600 became pregnant at 14 and had the baby taken into care, but... 82 00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:32,800 she's turned her life around. She's now got a job at Boots, a small flat 83 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,300 and is taking a part-time course in...? 84 00:06:35,300 --> 00:06:37,900 - Reading. - Reading. 85 00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:42,400 And she's here today to tell us all a little bit about her experiences. 86 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,900 So, all right. Over to you, Vicky. 87 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,000 Shut...up. I ain't done...nothin' 88 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:55,600 and if anyone says I did, they get beatings. 89 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:07,000 Right, thanks. Um, has anybody got any questions they want to ask? Yeah, Jordan. 90 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,000 - Yeah. What did you nick? - Shut up! I never nicked nothin', 91 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:16,500 apart from one thing, one other thing and a few other things, but apart from that, nothin'. 92 00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:21,700 Wayne Duggan bunked off PE and took a slash all over Elliot Nathan's brand new Adidas bag 93 00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:27,100 and now he's gonna tell the whole of Year Nine that Wayne Duggan sniffs highlighter pens. 94 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:33,700 - OK. Let's have another one. Harmony? - Have you got a criminal record? 95 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:38,600 Yeah, but you just lie about it. Misha reckons her dad killed this man, but he said he never 96 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:43,000 and now he's got this really good job putting jam in Jammy Dodgers. 97 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,000 - One more. Dean? - What's borstal like? 98 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:51,300 Oh, my God, it's like SO brilliant! There's no lessons or homework or nothin' 99 00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:57,500 and people get beaten up and once this girl got locked in the fridge and nearly died! 100 00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:03,200 OK. Thanks a lot, Vicky. A lot to think about there and how to apply it all to our own lives. 101 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,800 - Oh, sorry. Kelly, did you have a question? - Did you get that Tommy I asked you for? 102 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,400 Anyone else wants anything, just let me know. 103 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,000 Thanks a lot, Vicky. 104 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,500 - Right, you can go. - Go. All right. 105 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:24,000 - Your baby. - Huh? 106 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:28,100 It's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway. 107 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:34,200 Bonfires in Britain are a great way of getting rid of those old things lying around 108 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,400 that you don't need any more. 109 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,700 0nly last week I found an old bonfire I never use and put that on a bonfire. 110 00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:44,500 Right, this is the last of the boxes. 111 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:47,500 - Are you sure you want all this stuff burnt? - Yeah. 112 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,800 Got all your old books and your games in here. 113 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,600 - Are you sure you don't want them? - Yeah. 114 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,500 - You want it all put on the fire? - Yeah, burn it up. 115 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:59,300 'Cause once I burn it, you can't have it back. 116 00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:02,200 - You do know that? - Yeah, I know. 117 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,000 - You want it all burnt? - Yeah. 118 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,900 I want me stuff back. 119 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:27,800 So, my little friend, what shall we do? 120 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:34,500 # Ahh, ahh, Babushka, Babushka, Babushka, ya ya 121 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:41,500 # Ahh, ahh, Babushka, Babushka, Babushka, ya ya... # 122 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,200 # Babushka, Babushka, ya ya... # 123 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:52,400 - (PETER) Hello! - Ssh! Baby sleeping. 124 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:56,200 - Oh, how has he been? - He very hungry. 125 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,600 - Right. What did you give him? - Meat! 126 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,800 - What kind? - Good meat! 127 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:05,300 - Did you give him any milk? - Yes, he very thirsty baby. 128 00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:08,300 There was some milk in the fridge. Find it? 129 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:11,100 No, I use my own. 130 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,300 Right. Did you...did you have to change him? 131 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,000 No, is same baby. 132 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,300 Right, well, we were gone... what, about three hours? 133 00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:27,600 So is �15 OK? 134 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,600 Oh, thank you! Thank you! �15! 135 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:36,800 Where I come from, you have to babysit three hours to earn �15! 136 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,500 - I will send it home to my mother! - Oh, that's good. 137 00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:44,300 - It is not good. She is dead. - Oh. 138 00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:50,000 Well, it's getting rather late. I imagine you'll want to be getting back. 139 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,200 If ever you need babysitter and Boris is not available, 140 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:57,200 please remember I have brother Josef. 141 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:01,200 - Oh, yes? - He is a very bad man. 142 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:05,100 But he wants to be good in his heart, eh? 143 00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:08,900 - Well, we'll bear that in mind. - Remember him! 144 00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:11,300 We will, we will. 145 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:24,200 - Hello, Harvey! - Oh, I think he's going to say something. 146 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,200 (HARVEY RASPS) Comrade Stalin salutes you! 147 00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:33,200 At Kelsey Grammar School in Flange, it is break time. 148 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,600 (BELL RINGS) 149 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,600 Sit. 150 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,500 Yesterday's test did not make for happy reading. 151 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:52,500 Meacher, the answer to question two was Golden Wonder, not KP. 152 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:59,300 Philips, how many times do you need to be told? Red for ready salted, blue for salt and vinegar! 153 00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:05,300 Patel, the two variables on the graph were pickled onion and prawn cocktail. 154 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,800 Wilson, you could have had Cheese and Owen or Smoky Beckham. 155 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,900 There is no such flavour as Prawn Collymore! 156 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:24,500 Papathasaniou, please note Monster Munch is maize-based. This was covered in the first term. 157 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,000 I put maize! 158 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,600 Frazzles, Denton, not Quavers. 159 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:35,500 They look like rashers, for Pete's sake. The clue is in the bag. 160 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:40,400 Nash, you got 95%. Well done. I particularly enjoyed your diagram of a Wotsit. 161 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:47,600 Irving, number five was oxbow lakes. Otherwise good. Where is Irving? 162 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,500 He's having his tonsils out, sir. 163 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,800 And, finally, Palfrey, best before...? 164 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,600 - (ALL) See base of pack. - Hmm. 165 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:12,700 Weather-wise, the best time to visit Scotland is Tuesday the 12th of June around 2.30. 166 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:19,300 Mr McCooney, you have tax payments overdue of nearly �24,000. 167 00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:24,300 - Can you give us a cheque today? - Maybe I can and maybe I can't! 168 00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,300 (PLAYS FOLK TUNE) 169 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:34,400 Please, we had all of this last year. You've got to take this seriously. 170 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:38,600 - Ye-e-e-es. - Can you give us the cheque today? 171 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:44,900 (''DAD'S ARMY'' THEME) 172 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,500 That's not the answer I'm looking for. 173 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,600 (''LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE'' THEME) 174 00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,700 You'd help yourself a lot more if you gave us some straight answers. 175 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:08,200 Your form here is incomplete. ''Gross income: yes. Net income: yes.'' 176 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:12,000 No, it's not ''yes''. It's ''ye-e-e-e-es''. 177 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,900 - You can't just put ''ye-e-e-es'', you know. - Yes. 178 00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:19,400 So can you give us some payment today? 179 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:24,300 What if I were to offer you...six magic beans? 180 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:31,200 - Probably wouldn't be interested. - Seven magic beans! 181 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,800 - Nope. - How about a talking noisy box? 182 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,800 Inside, there are tiny sprites a-talking to you. 183 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:43,000 But they cannae hear ye, mind, unless they're doing a phone-in. 184 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:47,600 - No. - You want the piccalilo, don't you? 185 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,400 You'll never take it! Never! 186 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:57,800 - Oh! Have it, have it and be gone! - I'll tell you what, Mr McCooney. 187 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,500 - Why don't you pick up your quill...? - Ye-e-e-es? 188 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:05,000 - And your magic money paper. - Oh, ye-e-es? 189 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,200 Put your mark upon it. And we'll do the rest. 190 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,800 - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. - Good day. 191 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,300 Fare thee well, keepers of the purse! 192 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,900 Shit! 193 00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:26,700 Country house, blah, blah, blah. Novelist, blah, blah, blah. Cue the rude topiary. 194 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,600 Make sure you get down every word, Miss Grace. 195 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:38,800 (RADI0 ) There's a tailback stretching a mile and a half, so avoid like the plague. 196 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,400 The Dartford Tunnel jam-packed... 197 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,600 Said James. 198 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:48,700 ..at twenty past. In the meantime, remember this? 199 00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:52,700 (MUSIC: WHAM! - ''WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO'') 200 00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:56,300 #Jitterbug! 201 00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,800 #Jitterbug! 202 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:03,200 - # You put the... # - Said Lady Asquith. 203 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,600 It's all change at the community centre. 204 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:12,600 0ne group has finished their weekly meeting, whilst another is just beginning. 205 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,200 ''FatFighters'' meets once a week. 206 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,700 Those in attendance have managed to steal themselves away from eating for just an hour 207 00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,500 to talk about food. The greedy fuckers! 208 00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:27,000 Or just some low-fat cottage cheese if you're a vegelesbian. 209 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:32,400 Now, before we go any further, I want to introduce you to a new face. 210 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:37,200 She is a new face. She is, in fact, from ''FatFighters'' head office. 211 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,700 Now, her name is Mrs Harrison. 212 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:44,500 Mrs Harrison has come here today to check that I'm running the meetings OK. 213 00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:49,300 So you can all tell her how brilliant I am! What happened? Did someone complain? 214 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,800 It could be one or a series of complaints. 215 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,600 Right. Who was it? Was it him? 216 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:59,700 You can't say, you can't say. Was it her? Was it written in Indian? 217 00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:02,400 You can't say. 218 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:10,000 Bastards. OK, let's start with the weigh-in. Eh, Paul... 219 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,800 - Excuse me, Marjorie? - Yes, Mrs Harrison? 220 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,400 You've forgotten. The course leader weighs themselves first. 221 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:22,800 Oh, no, that's OK. I weighed myself at home to save time. Eight stone five. 222 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,400 What? Right. 223 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:37,600 Oh, this? Oh, sorry. Right. Sorry. I wasn't sure. What do I...? Get up, do I? 224 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,900 - You WERE fourteen stone and four pounds. - Oh, I was big, wasn't I? 225 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,500 You are... 226 00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:54,100 ..fifteen stone and eleven pounds. 227 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,000 Oh. Well, er... 228 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:05,300 - You don't allow us to take shoes off. - I don't know about India, but over here... 229 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,500 - Fifteen stone ten. - See? It's dropping, dropping. 230 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,100 This jacket's very, very heavy. I don't need these. 231 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,200 This can go. 232 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:38,100 - Fifteen stone eight and a half. - This has got a lot of underwiring. 233 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,900 - Marjorie, I think we've seen enough. - Yeah! 234 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:48,100 Marjorie, this isn't easy for me to say, but because you've put on so much weight, 235 00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:50,800 I'm afraid I have no option but to suspend you. 236 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:55,100 - You what?! - It really doesn't set a good example. 237 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:58,000 Look who's talking! You're no spring onion! 238 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,000 - We'll discuss this later. - No, let's have it out now! 239 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:04,700 - You're making an exhibition of yourself. - Oh, am I really? 240 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:09,800 Well, you can take your ''FatFighters'' and you can shove it up your fat arse! 241 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,100 SCREW you! 242 00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:27,500 I'll just... 243 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,600 (PASSIONATE, CLASSICAL PERFORMANCE) 244 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,600 (MOBILE PHONE BEEPS) 245 00:19:55,800 --> 00:20:00,100 When I'm old, I hope I have the good manners to throw myself out of a window. 246 00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:04,700 But some people are selfish and go on living, like this old bitch. 247 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,000 (DOORBELL RINGS) 248 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,500 (ROMANTIC MUSIC) 249 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,700 Oh, hello, Jason. Gary not with you? 250 00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:25,700 No, I don't see so much of Gary these days. 251 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,400 Oh, that's a shame. 252 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,000 Well, come in. 253 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,600 I, er, brought you some things. 254 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,200 Oh, thank you. 255 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,900 Oh. 256 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:50,000 Oh! Oh, I like this. That's nice. 257 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,400 What's this? 258 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,200 ''Nine and a Half Weeks''? 259 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,100 Oh. 260 00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:01,500 Right. Now... 261 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,800 Oh. 262 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,800 I can't have jelly. I'm diabetic. 263 00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,700 Never mind. This bag will come in useful. 264 00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:17,300 Why don't you open the ice cream now? It's... 265 00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,700 ..fun to share. 266 00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:24,200 Not for me, thanks, love. I've just had a nectarine. But you have some. 267 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,500 (DOORBELL RINGS) 268 00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:29,100 Oh, that'll be Winnie. 269 00:21:29,100 --> 00:21:32,100 - I won't be a mo. - OK. 270 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:36,200 - Oh, great (!) - (NAN) I've got somebody with me. 271 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:40,000 He's a lovely boy. He's a friend of Gary's. 272 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,900 - Winnie, this is Jason. - Hello, love. 273 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:51,400 - Hell-o! - Can you see the family resemblance? 274 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:56,900 Yeah. You never told me you had an...older sister. 275 00:21:56,900 --> 00:22:00,500 Lovely to see you, dear. 276 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:03,100 (ROMANTIC MUSIC) 277 00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:08,200 Fancy a sandwich, Jason? 278 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,100 Chinese food has been so popular in Britain, 279 00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:19,500 it has been exported as far afield as China. 280 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,200 They repeated it last night. It was very funny. 281 00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:30,200 Molly came in, she shook her brolly and said her pussy had got all wet in the rain. 282 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,200 - Really? - It's funny. It rained at her wedding. 283 00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:36,300 My bridesmaid outfit got soaked. Everybody. 284 00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,200 This duck's very fatty. 285 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,700 - Do you think I should send it back? - Yes. 286 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,300 Oh, my word! 287 00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,000 - You'll never guess who's just walked in. - Who? 288 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,000 - Molly Sugden! - Don't be silly, Clive. 289 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:58,400 Yeah, that's definitely her. Go and say hello! 290 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:03,800 - No, Clive, she doesn't want to be bothered. - What? You were bridesmaid at her wedding! 291 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,800 - No, Clive, no! - All right. 292 00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:09,700 Let's go somewhere else. I don't like it here. 293 00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:14,500 Have you seen who's just come in? Your friend, Molly Sugden. 294 00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:18,500 - Oh, come on. You haven't seen her for years. - Clive! 295 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:21,500 Excuse me. Er, Mrs Sugden? 296 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,600 - Yes? - I'm so sorry to bother you. 297 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:29,600 I thought you might like to know that I'm here with my wife Liz, who used to be Liz Bendall. 298 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:33,200 - Sorry? - She was the bridesmaid at your wedding. 299 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,400 Well, I don't know anyone called Liz. 300 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,400 My friend Helen was the only bridesmaid at my we... 301 00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:57,000 Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister has an urgent meeting with his Italian counterpart. 302 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:01,000 I actually lived in Italy for a few years while I was Pope. 303 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:06,700 - And, Prime Minister, I believe that... - (HE TRANSLATES) 304 00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:09,700 ..a very special bond between our two nations... 305 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,700 ..can only grow stronger in this difficult time. 306 00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:21,900 As you know, this evening I will be having talks with the President of France... 307 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,500 - Hiya! - Sebastian, er... 308 00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:30,300 - I'm in an important meeting. Can't it wait? - (HE TRANSLATES) 309 00:24:30,300 --> 00:24:35,600 No, Prime Minister, it can't. What's all this about you flying off to China tomorrow? 310 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,700 Well, it's a matter of grave international importance. 311 00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:43,900 The meeting about your agricultural report will have to wait. 312 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:48,500 - I had my hair done and everything! - (HE TRANSLATES) 313 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,000 Sebastian... 314 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,400 Sebastian, please! 315 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:58,000 You just use me when you want, then you throw me away! 316 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,700 (HE TRANSLATES) 317 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:04,700 Can you please stop translating this? 318 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,200 (HE TRANSLATES) 319 00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:09,200 Thank you. 320 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,700 - Come here. - Don't touch me! 321 00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:21,300 - I could do without the hysterics! - Oh, I'm being hysterical, am I?! 322 00:25:21,300 --> 00:25:24,300 Prime Minister Carluccio should know what you're really like. 323 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,900 The meeting tomorrow is off. 324 00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:29,700 - I've got other plans now anyway. - Oh, have you? 325 00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:32,700 The Leader of the Opposition invited me for tea. 326 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,600 Think about that when you're on your little plane tomorrow. 327 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,600 - Goodbye, Sebastian. - Whatever. Goodbye, Mr Italian Prime Minister. 328 00:25:39,900 --> 00:25:44,200 - Ciao. - Oh, ciao! Ciao! 329 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,600 Get out! 330 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,500 - Sorry about that. - (HE TRANSLATES) 331 00:25:54,400 --> 00:26:00,800 - (HE SPEAKS ITALIAN) - What did he say? 332 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:05,600 The Prime Minister say, ''If you love him, go after him.'' 333 00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:13,800 At this really supermarket in Herby, Lou is taking Andy on his weekly shop. 334 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:19,800 - Now, which soup do you want for your tea? - That one. 335 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,800 - That one? - Yeah. 336 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,800 - But that's whole sweet red peppers. - Yeah, I know. 337 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,900 I'll get you some cream of tomato. You like cream of tomato, don't you? 338 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:37,700 - Here! What are you doing? - Robbing! 339 00:26:37,700 --> 00:26:41,500 - It's very wrong to steal! You do know that? - Yeah, I know. 340 00:26:41,500 --> 00:26:43,900 Well, put that back, then. 341 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:48,400 I am very disappointed in you, Andy Pipkin. 342 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,100 I don't ever want to see you do that again. 343 00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:53,900 - Do you hear? - Sorry. 344 00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:57,400 Right. Now, we're all out of beans. 345 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:02,400 I could get you the normal ones or the ones with the little chipolatas in. 346 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:09,000 Oh! They're doing a special offer on Alphabetti Spaghetti. I'll get that instead. 347 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,800 Andy? 348 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,400 Andy? 349 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:22,800 Andy! 350 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,600 - What's the record? - Uh, sixteen. 351 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,400 We haven't got any more seats. 352 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,100 Probably room for one more small one! 353 00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:35,900 Ian... 354 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,600 (HORN BEEPS) 355 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:50,400 No, it's no use. I've got to get out. Come on, I can't breathe. Let me out. 356 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:54,600 And so this remarkable series draws to a close. 357 00:27:54,600 --> 00:28:01,500 I think it's fair to say that this has been arguably the finest programme ever broadcast 358 00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:06,500 and that I am some kind of god, who should be worshipped as such. 359 00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:10,500 Next week, ''Coupling'' or something. Goodbibe! 31723