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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,300 Britain, Britain, Britain! 2 00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:07,300 Here are some facts about Britain you may not know. 3 00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:10,300 Number one, Britain is a country. 4 00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:13,400 Number two, Britain is called Britain. 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,600 Number five, Britain. 6 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,200 But who are the people who live in Britain? 7 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,100 0ver the next five hours, we aim to find out. 8 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,500 Yeah! 9 00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:35,300 Vicky Pollard is moving up in the world and has now graduated to borstal. 10 00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:38,300 Today she has been summoned to the governess's office. 11 00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:41,000 Come in now, please, Vicky. 12 00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:54,800 Right, I've been hearing all sorts of stories about a very serious incident in the canteen. 13 00:00:55,600 --> 00:01:00,400 Vicky, I'm going to ask you a question now and I want a straight answer. 14 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,800 Did you bite Jackie Hayes? 15 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,400 I never even done nothin' or nothin'. 16 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,100 Julie wrote this thing on the wall about Lorraine being 100% minger. 17 00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:13,300 Samantha came into our dorm stirring it all up and Karly found a pube in her lasagne. 18 00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,800 So Karly's involved in this? 19 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,400 Karly ain't never done nothin'! Shut up! 20 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:22,100 She was busy selling her phone cards to that girl with the manky foot, 21 00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:24,600 but I was with Alison because she was sick. 22 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,500 I never broke no chapel window. Don't listen to Donna. She plays with matches! 23 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:32,900 - Vicky, did you bite Jackie Hayes? - Shut up! I didn't even know she got bit! 24 00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:37,500 This is like this film where this woman goes into this place, then the video cut off. 25 00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:42,500 - Rachel said Denise done it with her brother. - Would you go and fetch Jackie, please? 26 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:46,100 - I don't know why you bother with Jackie. - Yes, thank you, Vicky. 27 00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:53,500 Jackie, please tell me what happened in the canteen this afternoon. 28 00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:58,300 I ain't never not even done nothin'! Shut up! Don't listen to Sheryl! She's a scab! 29 00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:01,200 Oh, my God, I can't believe you just said that! 30 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:05,000 - Sheryl ain't never even done nothin'! - She was doing this other thing with Jaye. 31 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,800 - Kelly said Elaine was a 100% cow! - She's two-faced! I never stole no spoon! 32 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,300 (BOTH) Don't listen to her! She's gone all lezzie! 33 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,800 Piss off! 34 00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,300 - You fancy her. - You do. 35 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:26,600 You do. Everyone knows you finger yourself. 36 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:32,400 If people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. 37 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:36,300 If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. 38 00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:40,200 If they want to buy a pet shop shop, they're just being silly. 39 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,900 You'll have to think of a name for this rabbit. 40 00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,500 - Name for it, yeah. - I wonder where they are? 41 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,100 - I want that one. - That one? 42 00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,800 - Yeah. - Well, that's a snake. 43 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:54,500 - Yeah, I know. - You don't like snakes. You're scared of them. 44 00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:59,400 Remember that film with all the snakes in it? You said all serpents had an aura of evil. 45 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,100 - Yeah, I know. - Let's get a rabbit, then. 46 00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,700 - I want that one. - Are you sure? 47 00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:06,200 Yeah. 48 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,900 It's your birthday money. What will you call it? 49 00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:10,800 Thumper. 50 00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,400 We'll take the snake, please, yeah. 51 00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:27,300 I want a rabbit! 52 00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:34,100 10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister. 53 00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:38,600 The Prime Minister is, like, this guy who's, like, in charge of, like, the whole country. 54 00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:58,300 So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the minister's resignation. 55 00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,400 I'll take a few questions. 56 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:07,000 Boyd Hilton, ''Smash Hits''. Prime Minister, did the Foreign Secretary lie to the House? 57 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,500 I've answered that question. Next? 58 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:13,200 Greg Davis, ''Puzzler''. Have you appointed a replacement? 59 00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:17,900 - We'll be making an announcement shortly. - Angus Thomas, ''Kerrang!'' 60 00:04:17,900 --> 00:04:22,300 - Who's next to go from your Cabinet? - There will be no more resignations. 61 00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:26,800 Roy Sloan, ''Whizzer and Chips''. Have you lost your strongest ally in the Cabinet? 62 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,600 There is no rift in the Cabinet. 63 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:33,100 Andrew Jarman, ''Dinosaur Magazine''. What was your...? 64 00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,900 - I'm sorry, I don't know that one. - It's new. 65 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:40,500 You get a free binder with Part One. You collect it over 24 weeks. 66 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,500 It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs. 67 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,000 Oh, yes? Go ahead. 68 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,800 Eh... Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question. 69 00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,900 Roger Wakeley, ''Asian Babes''. 70 00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:57,900 Given your support of yet another disgraced minister, has your position become untenable? 71 00:04:57,900 --> 00:05:01,700 - Certainly not. One more question. - George Paxton, ''Daily Telegraph''. 72 00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:04,100 Who's your favourite member of Westlife? 73 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:10,700 It's five past Alberto and at ''FatFighters'', the meeting is just beginning. 74 00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:15,600 Yeah, I know. They're all the same. Listen, I'd better go. I've got my fat people here. 75 00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:20,000 So Johansen's here, Paul's here, Pat's here... 76 00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:24,200 - Where's Meera? - She's in hospital having liposuction. 77 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:30,000 Oh! I think it's such a shame the way people feel the need to tamper with themselves. 78 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,900 Tania's here. 79 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,900 Who are you? 80 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,200 This is the home of schoolteacher Edward Grant 81 00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:43,100 who recently caused a stir by marrying one of his former pupils. 82 00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,300 Lucky bugger! 83 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,300 - Problem? - Another letter from Mum. 84 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:58,100 For goodness sake! What is so strange about a teacher marrying one of his ex-pupils? 85 00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,300 - Nothing. - Sorry? 86 00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,600 - Nothing. - Nothing what? 87 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,400 - Nothing, sir. - That's better. 88 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,700 - What's this? - Happy Valentine's Day, darling. 89 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,100 Pop it in my pigeon-hole. 90 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,100 Go on, open it now. 91 00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:20,700 Aw! 92 00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:25,200 ''dear Edward...'' Capital D on ''dear''. 93 00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:29,400 ''I love you with all my...heat''? Oh, ''heart''! 94 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:34,000 Handwriting! ''Yours for ever...'' Comma! ''..Samantha.'' 95 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,900 Hmm, six out of ten. 96 00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:38,900 See me. 97 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,600 - You do love me, don't you? - If you have a question, put your hand up. 98 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,900 - Erm... Yes, Samantha? - Do you love me? 99 00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:58,100 - Yes. - How much? 100 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:00,600 OK... 101 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,000 ''How much do you love me?'' Well... 102 00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:11,200 Let's say that this is ''love'' here and this is ''time'' here. 103 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:15,700 Now, this is where we first met. This is that detention we shared together. 104 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:22,000 Dropped a little here when I didn't cast you in the school play. School trip to Calais. 105 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:28,200 Parents' evening, wedding day, wedding night and this is where we are now, 106 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,900 so, as you see, as time has progressed, love has increased. 107 00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:37,100 - Put your chalk down and come back to bed! - Sorry, I got carried away. 108 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,100 Are you chewing? 109 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,900 Into my hand! 110 00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:51,100 It's one two o'clock, and at Kelsey Grammar School, 111 00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:54,900 a young pupil has an appointment with his careers adviser. 112 00:07:54,900 --> 00:07:59,000 - Sorry I'm late, sir. - Make sure it doesn't happen again. 113 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,500 - Take a seat. - Thank you, sir. 114 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:06,600 What do you have in mind? 115 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:10,100 Well, ever since I was small, I've wanted to go into catering. 116 00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:15,300 In the future, there will be no jobs for humans in the catering industry, only robots. 117 00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,200 Oh. 118 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,900 - Does that include catering in hotels? - Er, yes. 119 00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:26,900 Well, the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. 120 00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:31,300 There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth. 121 00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,700 Oh, dear. 122 00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:36,500 This booklet will explain everything. Go now. 123 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,200 Thank you, sir. 124 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,800 - Tuck your shirt in. - Sir. 125 00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,400 I am a robot. 126 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,500 Yeah. 127 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:52,100 In Herby city centre lies this library. 128 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:57,300 The word ''library'' is derived from the Latin, ''libres'', meaning ''ssh''. 129 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,800 So...have you seen anything you fancy? 130 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,700 - Yeah, I want that one. - That one? 131 00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,300 Yeah. 132 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:11,300 - That is a book on Chinese history. - Yeah, I know. 133 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:14,800 - How do you know? You weren't looking at it! - Yeah, I know. 134 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:18,900 It all looks a bit involved, really. 135 00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:24,200 How about that book I was telling you about in the van, about the cave boy in a rubbish tip? 136 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,000 - ''Stig of the Dumps.'' - And I want that one! 137 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:32,200 That is ''Chinese Language and its Origins''. 138 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:37,300 Again it, uh...it might be a little bit hard for you. 139 00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:41,000 - I want it! - All right, you've got these two. 140 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,900 You're allowed one more. Shall we look for ''Stig of the Dumps''? 141 00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,900 That one! 142 00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:49,100 - That one? - Yeah. 143 00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,500 - That is the same one as you've got there. - Yeah, I know. 144 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,000 Well... 145 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,600 - Are you sure you want these three? - Yeah. 146 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,300 - You're positive? - Yeah. 147 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,200 All right, let's go and get them stamped. 148 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,200 - So are you happy with your choices? - Yeah. 149 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,300 - Are you sticking with these three? - Yeah. 150 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,900 Good. 151 00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:12,900 I can't read. 152 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:22,100 So that's a table for two at eight. Thank you. 153 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,100 Can't wait. 154 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,800 Anything for my little star pupil. 155 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:32,000 Would you, uh...like to draw the curtains? 156 00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,400 Oh! 157 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:42,200 This is our timetable for the evening. 158 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:48,200 7 p.m., coach leaves for restaurant. Anybody not on the coach at that time will be left behind. 159 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,100 It's not Mufti Day, is it? 7.30 p.m., arrive at restaurant... And get a haircut! 160 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:59,400 Council estates are where the old, thick and bone idle are forced to live. 161 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:12,800 This flat on the seventh floor is the home of brother and sister Bernard and Kitty Chumley. 162 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:16,200 - (LOUD THUMPING) - Yes, I heard it, Kitty! 163 00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,500 Hello. Meals on Wheels for Kitty Chumley. 164 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,700 Ah, yes, yes. 165 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:25,800 Do...do come in, yes. 166 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,400 So what is it today, then? 167 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:35,000 Oxtail soup for starters and then shepherd's pie with cabbage and swede. 168 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,500 I don't like swedes. I mean, Kitty doesn't like swedes. 169 00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,300 And there's a choice of Arctic roll or a peach. 170 00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:44,200 Arctic roll, obviously. 171 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,300 Thank you. 172 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:51,600 - So how is your sister today? - I didn't do it! 173 00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:54,400 No. How is she? 174 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:59,100 Oh, I see. Still not walking, but I think a lot of it's psychological. 175 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:04,400 - Can I see her? - Oh, no, no, no. She's biting today. 176 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,400 - Thank you so much. - Have you got yesterday's plates? 177 00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:11,100 Oh, yes. 178 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,100 We do ask that they're returned clean. 179 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:25,800 By the way, the jam roly-poly was delicious. 180 00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:32,700 ..Kitty said. If anything, there could have been more of that...she added. 181 00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:37,100 - They tell me you were an actor. - I'm an actor, yes! 182 00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:39,700 Right. Are you in anything at the moment? 183 00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,900 Bits and bobs, you know. Well, thank you very much. Good day. 184 00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:48,900 Mr Chumley, I think you might qualify yourself for the Meals on Wheels service. 185 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,400 I'm 43. 186 00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,700 I'll see you again soon, then. 187 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,800 - Bit dry! - Sorry? 188 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,600 ..Kitty says. 189 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,500 Everybody in Britain loves the royal family. 190 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:17,300 They are the cleverest, strongest, loveliest, most selfish people in Britain. 191 00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:21,300 Today, Her Majesty the Queen is hosting a royal garden party. 192 00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,300 - Carry on. - Hello, sir. Can I see your invitation? 193 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:28,200 - I trust everything is going well? - Fine, sir. 194 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,800 Nobody's trying to sneak in without an invitation? 195 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,300 - Not yet, sir. - Keep up the good work. 196 00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:37,100 I'm Peter Andre, royal correspondent for the BBC? 197 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,900 I'm not allowed to let anyone in without an invitation, sir. 198 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:45,600 I don't want to draw attention to myself. Hello! Yeah, I'll be in in a minute! 199 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,000 But Philip personally invited me. 200 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,700 You probably don't know who I'm talking about - Princess Philip. 201 00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:55,400 Oh, yes? And what did he say? 202 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,600 He said, ''We're having a party. Just pop round any time after four.'' 203 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,600 - I'm sorry, sir. - Anne and I are very much in love. 204 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,300 Step aside, please. 205 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:09,100 # I want you, Anne, and I need you, Anne Please don't hurt me, Anne... # 206 00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:13,100 - Step aside, please, sir! - I must give her these drawings! 207 00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:17,300 - Good afternoon, Miss Bond. Straight through. - Thank you very much. 208 00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:21,200 - Jennie! Jennie! - Sorry, Peter, I can't help you now. 209 00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,900 - Probably best to go home, sir. - Yes. 210 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,400 And, uh, put some trousers on, will you? 211 00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:45,000 If your car doesn't already have a boot, you can buy one at a car-boot sale. 212 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:49,800 Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is getting rid of some old junk. 213 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,900 - Anything take your fancy, sir? - No, thanks, I'm just looking. 214 00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:56,700 Humorous book about cricket? 215 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,400 - Foreword by John Major. - No, thanks. 216 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,900 Complete set of ''Blackadder'' there. 217 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,200 Yeah, OK, I'll take them. No, hang on. There's no ''Blackadder III''. I'll leave it. 218 00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:17,900 Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, not around the eyes, look into my eyes. 219 00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:21,900 You're under. What you see is a complete set of ''Blackadder'' videos. 220 00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:26,200 There was no ''Blackadder III''. Three, two, one, you're back in the room. 221 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,800 OK, I'll take them. 222 00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:35,200 - There you go. - Cheers. 223 00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:37,500 Lovely. 224 00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:40,200 You, uh... You like ''Red Dwarf''? 225 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:45,000 We've got the whole first series there, including ''Smeg Ups''. 226 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,000 Oh, no, I've got these. I taped them off the telly. 227 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:53,300 Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under. 228 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:58,100 You did not tape ''Red Dwarf'' off the TV, you cheapskate! Three, two, one, back in the room! 229 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,800 OK. I'll take those as well. There you go. 230 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,800 Thank you. 231 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:11,900 I, uh...I see you're a bit of a comedy fan. 232 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,900 - How about that? - No, I saw that. It was rubbish. 233 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,800 Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under. 234 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:24,200 Paul Merton in the ''Blood Donor'' was hilarious and just as funny as Tony Hancock. 235 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,200 Three, two, one, you're back in the room! 236 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,800 Don't push your luck, mate! 237 00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:39,700 This man is theatrical producer Sir Michael Craze. 238 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:44,500 Sir Michael currently has over 3,000 musicals running in the West End. 239 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,700 'Ere's one for ya! 240 00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:52,400 How about a musical version of the film ''Scum''? 241 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,500 Excuse me, I wasn't expecting anybody. 242 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:59,500 # 4737, Carling, sir I'm the daddy round here 243 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,000 # Where's your effing tool? What effing tool? 244 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000 # Don't go into the greenhouse, greenhouse, greenhouse... # 245 00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,900 I'm not looking to put anything on just now. 246 00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,500 Got another one. ''Ceefax, the Musical''! 247 00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,000 We open on a giant Ceefax. 248 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000 A thousand Vietnamese children come on in rags. 249 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:20,200 # Page 142, weather Page 220, joke time... # 250 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:25,300 - That's not quite right for the West End. - A thousand Vietnamese children in rags? 251 00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:28,300 I'm very busy today. You need to make a proper appointment. 252 00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,700 Did you not get the tape I sent you? Name's Waterhouse. 253 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,900 Oh, yes. It was very kind of you, but... 254 00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:38,900 Got another one. ''Musical, the Musical!'' 255 00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:41,700 A giant musical flies in. 256 00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:45,900 A thousand Vietnamese children in rags swarm the stage. 257 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,100 # Musical, musical... # 258 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:53,800 - That's quite expensive. - One Vietnamese children swarms the stage. 259 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,100 # Musical, musical... # 260 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,600 - No. - Got another one. 261 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,400 - A musical adaptation of David Baddiel? - No. 262 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,400 Got another one. ''Dangerous Liaisons, the Musical.'' 263 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,500 This is the sort of thing we're looking for. This sounds interesting. 264 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,900 Yeah, I've done a set for it. 265 00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:14,700 - So he comes in here... - Who's this? 266 00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,100 The character of the Giant Hand. 267 00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:22,600 Stay with me. Stay with me. Please. 268 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:28,900 Meanwhile, at this sexual health clinic in Llandewi Breffi... 269 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:38,100 OK... So before we give you the test, we do have to ask you a few questions. 270 00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,800 Don't worry. It's all confidential, OK? 271 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,400 - So... Age? - 25. 272 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,800 - Occupation? - Gay. 273 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,200 No. What do you do? 274 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:53,100 Oh, I see. I am an unemployed out gay man. 275 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:59,300 And how many sexual partners have you had in the past year? 276 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,500 None. 277 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,800 How many have you had in the past five years? 278 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,300 Past five years, you say... 279 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,400 Excluding myself? 280 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,700 Yes. 281 00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,700 None. 282 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,700 Have you had any sexual partners? 283 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,700 No. I'm the only gay in the village, you see. 284 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:37,100 What, from Llandewi? Oh, no, we've had loads of folk in from there. 285 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,400 I don't think so. 286 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:44,000 If you haven't had any sexual partners, I don't think you need the test. 287 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,700 Oh, go on, please. I am a gay, you know. 288 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,900 OK. Give me your arm. 289 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,300 Make a fist. 290 00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:59,300 Now, you may feel a prick, 291 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,300 but there's a first time for everything. 292 00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,200 Hello. 293 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,600 I just had the test. I do hope everything's gonna be all right. 294 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,400 Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine. 295 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,400 Though, of course, it does just need to be that one time. 296 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,400 Yeah. 297 00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:28,900 Small children in Britain are notoriously stupid and must attend schools. 298 00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:34,100 At Robert Downey Junior School in Area 52, it's prize-giving day 299 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:37,900 which is to be hosted by retired athlete Denver Mills. 300 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,300 - Miss Bingham! This is Dennis Mills. - Denver Mills. 301 00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:45,300 - Who? - Denver Mills. I won the 400 metres silver. 302 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,500 - Los Angeles '84. - Where's Fatima Whitbread? 303 00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:53,300 Guernsey. She had no idea about today. That's Jayne Torvill Management for you! 304 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:57,500 - You know what to do? - Yeah, speech, prizes, piece of piss! 305 00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:00,100 Could I have a quick look at your speech? 306 00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:03,100 Yeah. I say ''good afternoon'', then I start with a gag. 307 00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:07,500 I say, ''If this was a state school, I'd be afraid to park my car outside.'' 308 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,100 - This IS a state school. - That's gone! 309 00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:13,100 - Steve Cram, remind me. - Crammy? The Cramster? 310 00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:16,500 Won the 1500 metre gold, used to promote ''Start''? 311 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,300 I don't think the children will remember him. 312 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:22,900 Shame! The story ends with Steve completely covered in... 313 00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:25,900 - Covered in? - No, I can't tell... No. 314 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,600 Now, this is a great bit. It's quite political. 315 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,500 In my village there's a lot of these so-called asylum seekers... 316 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,100 I don't think that'll be relevant here. 317 00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:38,100 - It went down well at the countryside march. - No, sorry. 318 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,900 This is all still...asylum seekers. 319 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:47,200 Now, this gag I may or may not do, depending on how things... 320 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,100 ''The French relay team. Do action.'' 321 00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:52,000 What's the action? 322 00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:57,200 As I say, that was always in the balance. 323 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,500 ''Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.'' 324 00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:04,100 - Got a problem with that? - No, that's fine. 325 00:22:04,700 --> 00:22:07,400 Right, I'll just go and introduce you. 326 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,600 ''Good afternoon. Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.'' 327 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:17,000 Right, then, boys and girls. We have a very special guest. 328 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,000 Please welcome Dennis Mills! 329 00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:23,500 Hello, Jayne. It's Denver. 330 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,700 Is it too late to pull out of the school? 331 00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:28,900 With the hospital lift out of order, 332 00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:32,400 Lou has pushed his friend Andy up three flights of stairs. 333 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,400 What a kerfuffle! They should get that lift fixed. 334 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,500 - What are we doing? - Remember Maria who looked after you? 335 00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:42,500 She's not been well, so we're taking her some flowers. 336 00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:45,300 Then can we go? 337 00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:48,200 Yeah. I'll go and find out what ward she's on. 338 00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:54,000 Excuse me, Nurse. Can you tell me where I might find Maria Donnelly, please? 339 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,000 Yes, she's in Griffiths Ward. Next floor up. 340 00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,600 - Oh, thanks. - OK. 341 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,300 - Up one more flight, I'm afraid. - Oh, no. 342 00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:03,800 Yeah. 343 00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:12,800 At home in Byright, Eileen is comforting her recently bereaved sister Janet. 344 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,500 I tell you what. Why don't I put the kettle on, make us both a nice cup of tea? 345 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,600 Yeah. Lovely. 346 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,500 Like a nice biscuit to go with it? Nice Penguin? 347 00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,700 (SOBS LOUDLY) 348 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,500 - What now, love? - Ivor used to love Penguins. 349 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:33,700 - Always makes me think of him. - Oh, yeah. 350 00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:39,100 Yeah, we'll have it without. We'll have tea on its own. Don't mind it in a mug, do you? 351 00:23:39,100 --> 00:23:41,300 (SOBS LOUDLY) 352 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:47,100 Ivor used to have his tea in a mug, except when he had it in a cup and saucer. 353 00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:49,800 Yeah, I understand, love. I understand. 354 00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:54,600 It's a lovely day. Why don't we go outside? We could go down the shops. 355 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,800 (WAILS) 356 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:03,600 Me and Ivor used to go down the shops when we needed to buy things. 357 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,200 Yeah, you would have done, yeah. 358 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:10,800 Yeah. We'll stay in, I'll get the paper and we'll see what's on the telly. 359 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,800 (HOWLS) 360 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,300 - Oh, dear. Ivor? - Ivor used to watch telly. 361 00:24:17,300 --> 00:24:23,600 The news, the sport, dramas, comedy programmes, all sorts really, you know. 362 00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:27,100 He was someone who liked telly. You know, that was Ivor. 363 00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:30,100 I thought we'd agreed not to talk about Ivor. 364 00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:32,400 Ohhhhh! Ivor! 365 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,000 That's the name of Ivor. 366 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,600 If ever I wanted to call him, I'd say, ''Ivor!'' 367 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,600 - Yeah. - Yeah! 368 00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:46,800 That's the word Ivor used to use when he wanted to answer in the affirmative, 369 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:51,800 when he wanted to respond in a casual manner as an alternative to the more formal ''yes''. 370 00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:03,100 Silence! That's what Ivor used to crave when he didn't think... 371 00:25:03,100 --> 00:25:05,800 Oh, sorry, I didn't recognise you. Yeah... 372 00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:12,800 0ver at DIY Universe, the staff were enjoying their tea break. 373 00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:15,600 Hiya, gang! Wicky woo! 374 00:25:17,900 --> 00:25:20,400 I'm having an Options. Does anyone want one? 375 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,300 We don't have to go back yet, do we? 376 00:25:26,300 --> 00:25:28,400 Oh, hello! 377 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,400 - I don't know you, do I? - No, I'm new. 378 00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:36,500 Wicky woo, Des Kaye, pleased to meet you! Can I have me hand back, please? 379 00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:39,200 Didn't you use to be on telly? 380 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,000 That's right. I used to present the ''Fun Bus''. 381 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,800 - Them Bubble Twins do it now. - Do they? I haven't watched it. 382 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,300 Yeah, me little sister loves them. 383 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:54,300 - Let me tell you about the Bubble Twins. - Kieran, it's time to get back. 384 00:25:54,300 --> 00:25:56,700 We've still got ten minutes! 385 00:25:57,700 --> 00:26:04,000 The Bubble Twins started off in 1986 doing a little bit on my show, ''Des Kaye's Fun Bus''. 386 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,700 You remember the bit, ''What's in the custard?'' 387 00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:09,400 - No, I don't think so. - You remember it, Al. 388 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,600 - No. - You do! 389 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:17,100 You're lying, you do. Come away, Croc! Basically, they used to pour the custard. 390 00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:20,100 - I never watched it. - Good, 'cause they were rubbish! 391 00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:26,500 Then I hear the ''Fun Bus'' has been pulled. ''Why is that?'' I hear you ask. 392 00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:30,500 - Wasn't it 'cause that girl lost an eye? - No... Yeah. 393 00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:34,700 Actually, it's because... ''Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?'' 394 00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:37,500 Not now, Croc! I'm talking! 395 00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:40,100 Very rude. 396 00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:44,800 It's because Dicky Bubble is a queer... 397 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,800 - How do you know? - I see him in all the clubs. 398 00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:51,600 And the head of Children's, Robin Dee, he's also queer. 399 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,200 He's got a wife, but he's queer. 400 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:58,000 Basically, Dicky Bubble said to Robin Dee, ''I'll fill your slot.'' 401 00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:00,600 Bum sex. 402 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:05,900 Hey presto, Des Kaye out of a job! So can we change the subject? 403 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,000 - Kettle's boiled. - Thank you. 404 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,100 So... 405 00:27:17,100 --> 00:27:19,600 What's everybody doing later? 406 00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:29,600 (VERY LOUD ) I said, ''What's everybody doing later?'' 407 00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:41,100 Ian! I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter and he says you're not allowed to use Sellotape. 408 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,200 What? Any? 409 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,600 Apparently not. 410 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,200 It's a shame. I was happy with that. 411 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,800 Oh, well, best start again, eh? 412 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:55,500 And so our tour of Britain is over for another week. 413 00:27:55,500 --> 00:28:00,300 If you enjoyed the programme, you might like to know that the book accompanying the series 414 00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:02,500 has not yet been written. 415 00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:04,400 Goodbyes! 36003

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