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1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:04,300
Britain, Britain, Britain!
2
00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:07,300
Here are some facts about Britain
you may not know.
3
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:10,300
Number one, Britain is a country.
4
00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:13,400
Number two, Britain is called Britain.
5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,600
Number five, Britain.
6
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,200
But who are the people who live in Britain?
7
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,100
0ver the next five hours, we aim to find out.
8
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,500
Yeah!
9
00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:35,300
Vicky Pollard is moving up in the world
and has now graduated to borstal.
10
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:38,300
Today she has been summoned
to the governess's office.
11
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:41,000
Come in now, please, Vicky.
12
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:54,800
Right, I've been hearing all sorts of stories
about a very serious incident in the canteen.
13
00:00:55,600 --> 00:01:00,400
Vicky, I'm going to ask you a question now
and I want a straight answer.
14
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,800
Did you bite Jackie Hayes?
15
00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,400
I never even done nothin' or nothin'.
16
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,100
Julie wrote this thing on the wall
about Lorraine being 100% minger.
17
00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:13,300
Samantha came into our dorm stirring it all up
and Karly found a pube in her lasagne.
18
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,800
So Karly's involved in this?
19
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,400
Karly ain't never done nothin'! Shut up!
20
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:22,100
She was busy selling her phone cards
to that girl with the manky foot,
21
00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:24,600
but I was with Alison because she was sick.
22
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,500
I never broke no chapel window.
Don't listen to Donna. She plays with matches!
23
00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:32,900
- Vicky, did you bite Jackie Hayes?
- Shut up! I didn't even know she got bit!
24
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:37,500
This is like this film where this woman goes
into this place, then the video cut off.
25
00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:42,500
- Rachel said Denise done it with her brother.
- Would you go and fetch Jackie, please?
26
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:46,100
- I don't know why you bother with Jackie.
- Yes, thank you, Vicky.
27
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:53,500
Jackie, please tell me
what happened in the canteen this afternoon.
28
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:58,300
I ain't never not even done nothin'! Shut up!
Don't listen to Sheryl! She's a scab!
29
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:01,200
Oh, my God, I can't believe you just said that!
30
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:05,000
- Sheryl ain't never even done nothin'!
- She was doing this other thing with Jaye.
31
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,800
- Kelly said Elaine was a 100% cow!
- She's two-faced! I never stole no spoon!
32
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,300
(BOTH) Don't listen to her! She's gone all lezzie!
33
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,800
Piss off!
34
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,300
- You fancy her.
- You do.
35
00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:26,600
You do. Everyone knows you finger yourself.
36
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:32,400
If people in Britain want to buy a pet,
they go to a pet shop.
37
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If they want to buy a pet shop,
they go to a pet shop shop.
38
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:40,200
If they want to buy a pet shop shop,
they're just being silly.
39
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,900
You'll have to think of a name for this rabbit.
40
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,500
- Name for it, yeah.
- I wonder where they are?
41
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:48,100
- I want that one.
- That one?
42
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,800
- Yeah.
- Well, that's a snake.
43
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:54,500
- Yeah, I know.
- You don't like snakes. You're scared of them.
44
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:59,400
Remember that film with all the snakes in it?
You said all serpents had an aura of evil.
45
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,100
- Yeah, I know.
- Let's get a rabbit, then.
46
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:04,700
- I want that one.
- Are you sure?
47
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:06,200
Yeah.
48
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,900
It's your birthday money. What will you call it?
49
00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:10,800
Thumper.
50
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:14,400
We'll take the snake, please, yeah.
51
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:27,300
I want a rabbit!
52
00:03:31,300 --> 00:03:34,100
10 Downing Street is
the home of the Prime Minister.
53
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:38,600
The Prime Minister is, like, this guy
who's, like, in charge of, like, the whole country.
54
00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:58,300
So it is with great reluctance that I have decided
to accept the minister's resignation.
55
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,400
I'll take a few questions.
56
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:07,000
Boyd Hilton, ''Smash Hits''. Prime Minister,
did the Foreign Secretary lie to the House?
57
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,500
I've answered that question. Next?
58
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:13,200
Greg Davis, ''Puzzler''.
Have you appointed a replacement?
59
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:17,900
- We'll be making an announcement shortly.
- Angus Thomas, ''Kerrang!''
60
00:04:17,900 --> 00:04:22,300
- Who's next to go from your Cabinet?
- There will be no more resignations.
61
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:26,800
Roy Sloan, ''Whizzer and Chips''. Have you lost
your strongest ally in the Cabinet?
62
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,600
There is no rift in the Cabinet.
63
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:33,100
Andrew Jarman, ''Dinosaur Magazine''.
What was your...?
64
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,900
- I'm sorry, I don't know that one.
- It's new.
65
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:40,500
You get a free binder with Part One.
You collect it over 24 weeks.
66
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,500
It's everything you need
to know about dinosaurs.
67
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,000
Oh, yes? Go ahead.
68
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,800
Eh... Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question.
69
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:52,900
Roger Wakeley, ''Asian Babes''.
70
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:57,900
Given your support of yet another disgraced
minister, has your position become untenable?
71
00:04:57,900 --> 00:05:01,700
- Certainly not. One more question.
- George Paxton, ''Daily Telegraph''.
72
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:04,100
Who's your favourite member of Westlife?
73
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:10,700
It's five past Alberto and at ''FatFighters'',
the meeting is just beginning.
74
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:15,600
Yeah, I know. They're all the same. Listen,
I'd better go. I've got my fat people here.
75
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:20,000
So Johansen's here, Paul's here, Pat's here...
76
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:24,200
- Where's Meera?
- She's in hospital having liposuction.
77
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:30,000
Oh! I think it's such a shame the way people
feel the need to tamper with themselves.
78
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,900
Tania's here.
79
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,900
Who are you?
80
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,200
This is the home of schoolteacher Edward Grant
81
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:43,100
who recently caused a stir
by marrying one of his former pupils.
82
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,300
Lucky bugger!
83
00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,300
- Problem?
- Another letter from Mum.
84
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:58,100
For goodness sake! What is so strange
about a teacher marrying one of his ex-pupils?
85
00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,300
- Nothing.
- Sorry?
86
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,600
- Nothing.
- Nothing what?
87
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,400
- Nothing, sir.
- That's better.
88
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,700
- What's this?
- Happy Valentine's Day, darling.
89
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,100
Pop it in my pigeon-hole.
90
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,100
Go on, open it now.
91
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:20,700
Aw!
92
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:25,200
''dear Edward...'' Capital D on ''dear''.
93
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:29,400
''I love you with all my...heat''? Oh, ''heart''!
94
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:34,000
Handwriting!
''Yours for ever...'' Comma! ''..Samantha.''
95
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,900
Hmm, six out of ten.
96
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:38,900
See me.
97
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,600
- You do love me, don't you?
- If you have a question, put your hand up.
98
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:55,900
- Erm... Yes, Samantha?
- Do you love me?
99
00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:58,100
- Yes.
- How much?
100
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:00,600
OK...
101
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,000
''How much do you love me?'' Well...
102
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:11,200
Let's say that this is ''love'' here
and this is ''time'' here.
103
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:15,700
Now, this is where we first met.
This is that detention we shared together.
104
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:22,000
Dropped a little here when I didn't cast you
in the school play. School trip to Calais.
105
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:28,200
Parents' evening, wedding day,
wedding night and this is where we are now,
106
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,900
so, as you see, as time has progressed,
love has increased.
107
00:07:32,900 --> 00:07:37,100
- Put your chalk down and come back to bed!
- Sorry, I got carried away.
108
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,100
Are you chewing?
109
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,900
Into my hand!
110
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:51,100
It's one two o'clock,
and at Kelsey Grammar School,
111
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:54,900
a young pupil has an appointment
with his careers adviser.
112
00:07:54,900 --> 00:07:59,000
- Sorry I'm late, sir.
- Make sure it doesn't happen again.
113
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,500
- Take a seat.
- Thank you, sir.
114
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:06,600
What do you have in mind?
115
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:10,100
Well, ever since I was small,
I've wanted to go into catering.
116
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:15,300
In the future, there will be no jobs for humans
in the catering industry, only robots.
117
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,200
Oh.
118
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:20,900
- Does that include catering in hotels?
- Er, yes.
119
00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:26,900
Well, the other thing I was thinking of
was engineering.
120
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:31,300
There will be no jobs for humans.
We will inherit the earth.
121
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:33,700
Oh, dear.
122
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:36,500
This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
123
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,200
Thank you, sir.
124
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,800
- Tuck your shirt in.
- Sir.
125
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,400
I am a robot.
126
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,500
Yeah.
127
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:52,100
In Herby city centre lies this library.
128
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:57,300
The word ''library'' is derived from the Latin,
''libres'', meaning ''ssh''.
129
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,800
So...have you seen anything you fancy?
130
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,700
- Yeah, I want that one.
- That one?
131
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,300
Yeah.
132
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:11,300
- That is a book on Chinese history.
- Yeah, I know.
133
00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:14,800
- How do you know? You weren't looking at it!
- Yeah, I know.
134
00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:18,900
It all looks a bit involved, really.
135
00:09:18,900 --> 00:09:24,200
How about that book I was telling you about
in the van, about the cave boy in a rubbish tip?
136
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,000
- ''Stig of the Dumps.''
- And I want that one!
137
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:32,200
That is ''Chinese Language and its Origins''.
138
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:37,300
Again it, uh...it might be a little bit hard for you.
139
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:41,000
- I want it!
- All right, you've got these two.
140
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,900
You're allowed one more.
Shall we look for ''Stig of the Dumps''?
141
00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:46,900
That one!
142
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:49,100
- That one?
- Yeah.
143
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:52,500
- That is the same one as you've got there.
- Yeah, I know.
144
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,000
Well...
145
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,600
- Are you sure you want these three?
- Yeah.
146
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,300
- You're positive?
- Yeah.
147
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,200
All right, let's go and get them stamped.
148
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,200
- So are you happy with your choices?
- Yeah.
149
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,300
- Are you sticking with these three?
- Yeah.
150
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,900
Good.
151
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:12,900
I can't read.
152
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:22,100
So that's a table for two at eight. Thank you.
153
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,100
Can't wait.
154
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,800
Anything for my little star pupil.
155
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:32,000
Would you, uh...like to draw the curtains?
156
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,400
Oh!
157
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:42,200
This is our timetable for the evening.
158
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:48,200
7 p.m., coach leaves for restaurant. Anybody not
on the coach at that time will be left behind.
159
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,100
It's not Mufti Day, is it? 7.30 p.m.,
arrive at restaurant... And get a haircut!
160
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:59,400
Council estates are where the old, thick
and bone idle are forced to live.
161
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:12,800
This flat on the seventh floor is the home
of brother and sister Bernard and Kitty Chumley.
162
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:16,200
- (LOUD THUMPING)
- Yes, I heard it, Kitty!
163
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:21,500
Hello. Meals on Wheels for Kitty Chumley.
164
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,700
Ah, yes, yes.
165
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:25,800
Do...do come in, yes.
166
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,400
So what is it today, then?
167
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:35,000
Oxtail soup for starters and then
shepherd's pie with cabbage and swede.
168
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:38,500
I don't like swedes.
I mean, Kitty doesn't like swedes.
169
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,300
And there's a choice of Arctic roll or a peach.
170
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:44,200
Arctic roll, obviously.
171
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,300
Thank you.
172
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:51,600
- So how is your sister today?
- I didn't do it!
173
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:54,400
No. How is she?
174
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:59,100
Oh, I see. Still not walking,
but I think a lot of it's psychological.
175
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:04,400
- Can I see her?
- Oh, no, no, no. She's biting today.
176
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,400
- Thank you so much.
- Have you got yesterday's plates?
177
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:11,100
Oh, yes.
178
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,100
We do ask that they're returned clean.
179
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:25,800
By the way, the jam roly-poly was delicious.
180
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:32,700
..Kitty said. If anything, there could
have been more of that...she added.
181
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:37,100
- They tell me you were an actor.
- I'm an actor, yes!
182
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:39,700
Right. Are you in anything at the moment?
183
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,900
Bits and bobs, you know.
Well, thank you very much. Good day.
184
00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:48,900
Mr Chumley, I think you might qualify yourself
for the Meals on Wheels service.
185
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,400
I'm 43.
186
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:55,700
I'll see you again soon, then.
187
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:04,800
- Bit dry!
- Sorry?
188
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,600
..Kitty says.
189
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,500
Everybody in Britain loves the royal family.
190
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:17,300
They are the cleverest, strongest,
loveliest, most selfish people in Britain.
191
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:21,300
Today, Her Majesty the Queen
is hosting a royal garden party.
192
00:13:22,300 --> 00:13:25,300
- Carry on.
- Hello, sir. Can I see your invitation?
193
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:28,200
- I trust everything is going well?
- Fine, sir.
194
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,800
Nobody's trying to sneak in without an invitation?
195
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,300
- Not yet, sir.
- Keep up the good work.
196
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:37,100
I'm Peter Andre,
royal correspondent for the BBC?
197
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,900
I'm not allowed to let anyone in
without an invitation, sir.
198
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:45,600
I don't want to draw attention to myself.
Hello! Yeah, I'll be in in a minute!
199
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,000
But Philip personally invited me.
200
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,700
You probably don't know
who I'm talking about - Princess Philip.
201
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:55,400
Oh, yes? And what did he say?
202
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,600
He said, ''We're having a party.
Just pop round any time after four.''
203
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,600
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Anne and I are very much in love.
204
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,300
Step aside, please.
205
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:09,100
# I want you, Anne, and I need you, Anne
Please don't hurt me, Anne... #
206
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:13,100
- Step aside, please, sir!
- I must give her these drawings!
207
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:17,300
- Good afternoon, Miss Bond. Straight through.
- Thank you very much.
208
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:21,200
- Jennie! Jennie!
- Sorry, Peter, I can't help you now.
209
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,900
- Probably best to go home, sir.
- Yes.
210
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,400
And, uh, put some trousers on, will you?
211
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:45,000
If your car doesn't already have a boot,
you can buy one at a car-boot sale.
212
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:49,800
Today, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig
is getting rid of some old junk.
213
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,900
- Anything take your fancy, sir?
- No, thanks, I'm just looking.
214
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:56,700
Humorous book about cricket?
215
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,400
- Foreword by John Major.
- No, thanks.
216
00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,900
Complete set of ''Blackadder'' there.
217
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,200
Yeah, OK, I'll take them. No, hang on.
There's no ''Blackadder III''. I'll leave it.
218
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:17,900
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
not around the eyes, look into my eyes.
219
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:21,900
You're under. What you see
is a complete set of ''Blackadder'' videos.
220
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:26,200
There was no ''Blackadder III''.
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
221
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,800
OK, I'll take them.
222
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:35,200
- There you go.
- Cheers.
223
00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:37,500
Lovely.
224
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:40,200
You, uh... You like ''Red Dwarf''?
225
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:45,000
We've got the whole first series there,
including ''Smeg Ups''.
226
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,000
Oh, no, I've got these. I taped them off the telly.
227
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:53,300
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under.
228
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:58,100
You did not tape ''Red Dwarf'' off the TV, you
cheapskate! Three, two, one, back in the room!
229
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,800
OK. I'll take those as well. There you go.
230
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,800
Thank you.
231
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:11,900
I, uh...I see you're a bit of a comedy fan.
232
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,900
- How about that?
- No, I saw that. It was rubbish.
233
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:19,800
Look into my eyes, look into my eyes,
not around the eyes, into my eyes. You're under.
234
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:24,200
Paul Merton in the ''Blood Donor'' was hilarious
and just as funny as Tony Hancock.
235
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,200
Three, two, one, you're back in the room!
236
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,800
Don't push your luck, mate!
237
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:39,700
This man is theatrical producer
Sir Michael Craze.
238
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:44,500
Sir Michael currently has over 3,000 musicals
running in the West End.
239
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,700
'Ere's one for ya!
240
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:52,400
How about a musical version of the film ''Scum''?
241
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,500
Excuse me, I wasn't expecting anybody.
242
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:59,500
# 4737, Carling, sir
I'm the daddy round here
243
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,000
# Where's your effing tool? What effing tool?
244
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000
# Don't go into the greenhouse,
greenhouse, greenhouse... #
245
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:07,900
I'm not looking to put anything on just now.
246
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,500
Got another one. ''Ceefax, the Musical''!
247
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,000
We open on a giant Ceefax.
248
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000
A thousand Vietnamese children come on in rags.
249
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:20,200
# Page 142, weather
Page 220, joke time... #
250
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:25,300
- That's not quite right for the West End.
- A thousand Vietnamese children in rags?
251
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:28,300
I'm very busy today.
You need to make a proper appointment.
252
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:31,700
Did you not get the tape I sent you?
Name's Waterhouse.
253
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,900
Oh, yes. It was very kind of you, but...
254
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:38,900
Got another one. ''Musical, the Musical!''
255
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:41,700
A giant musical flies in.
256
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:45,900
A thousand Vietnamese children in rags
swarm the stage.
257
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,100
# Musical, musical... #
258
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:53,800
- That's quite expensive.
- One Vietnamese children swarms the stage.
259
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,100
# Musical, musical... #
260
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,600
- No.
- Got another one.
261
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,400
- A musical adaptation of David Baddiel?
- No.
262
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,400
Got another one.
''Dangerous Liaisons, the Musical.''
263
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,500
This is the sort of thing we're looking for.
This sounds interesting.
264
00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:10,900
Yeah, I've done a set for it.
265
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:14,700
- So he comes in here...
- Who's this?
266
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,100
The character of the Giant Hand.
267
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:22,600
Stay with me. Stay with me. Please.
268
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:28,900
Meanwhile, at this sexual health clinic
in Llandewi Breffi...
269
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:38,100
OK... So before we give you the test,
we do have to ask you a few questions.
270
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:40,800
Don't worry. It's all confidential, OK?
271
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,400
- So... Age?
- 25.
272
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,800
- Occupation?
- Gay.
273
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,200
No. What do you do?
274
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:53,100
Oh, I see. I am an unemployed out gay man.
275
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:59,300
And how many sexual partners
have you had in the past year?
276
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,500
None.
277
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,800
How many have you had in the past five years?
278
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,300
Past five years, you say...
279
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,400
Excluding myself?
280
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,700
Yes.
281
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,700
None.
282
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,700
Have you had any sexual partners?
283
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,700
No. I'm the only gay in the village, you see.
284
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:37,100
What, from Llandewi?
Oh, no, we've had loads of folk in from there.
285
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,400
I don't think so.
286
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:44,000
If you haven't had any sexual partners,
I don't think you need the test.
287
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,700
Oh, go on, please. I am a gay, you know.
288
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,900
OK. Give me your arm.
289
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,300
Make a fist.
290
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:59,300
Now, you may feel a prick,
291
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:02,300
but there's a first time for everything.
292
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,200
Hello.
293
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,600
I just had the test.
I do hope everything's gonna be all right.
294
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:17,400
Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine.
295
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:20,400
Though, of course,
it does just need to be that one time.
296
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,400
Yeah.
297
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:28,900
Small children in Britain are
notoriously stupid and must attend schools.
298
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:34,100
At Robert Downey Junior School in Area 52,
it's prize-giving day
299
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:37,900
which is to be hosted by retired athlete
Denver Mills.
300
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,300
- Miss Bingham! This is Dennis Mills.
- Denver Mills.
301
00:20:42,300 --> 00:20:45,300
- Who?
- Denver Mills. I won the 400 metres silver.
302
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,500
- Los Angeles '84.
- Where's Fatima Whitbread?
303
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:53,300
Guernsey. She had no idea about today.
That's Jayne Torvill Management for you!
304
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:57,500
- You know what to do?
- Yeah, speech, prizes, piece of piss!
305
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:00,100
Could I have a quick look at your speech?
306
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:03,100
Yeah. I say ''good afternoon'',
then I start with a gag.
307
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:07,500
I say, ''If this was a state school,
I'd be afraid to park my car outside.''
308
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,100
- This IS a state school.
- That's gone!
309
00:21:10,100 --> 00:21:13,100
- Steve Cram, remind me.
- Crammy? The Cramster?
310
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:16,500
Won the 1500 metre gold,
used to promote ''Start''?
311
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,300
I don't think the children will remember him.
312
00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:22,900
Shame! The story ends
with Steve completely covered in...
313
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:25,900
- Covered in?
- No, I can't tell... No.
314
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,600
Now, this is a great bit. It's quite political.
315
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,500
In my village there's a lot
of these so-called asylum seekers...
316
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,100
I don't think that'll be relevant here.
317
00:21:35,100 --> 00:21:38,100
- It went down well at the countryside march.
- No, sorry.
318
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,900
This is all still...asylum seekers.
319
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:47,200
Now, this gag I may or may not do,
depending on how things...
320
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,100
''The French relay team. Do action.''
321
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:52,000
What's the action?
322
00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:57,200
As I say, that was always in the balance.
323
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,500
''Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.''
324
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:04,100
- Got a problem with that?
- No, that's fine.
325
00:22:04,700 --> 00:22:07,400
Right, I'll just go and introduce you.
326
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,600
''Good afternoon.
Thank you and I hope you enjoyed the speech.''
327
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:17,000
Right, then, boys and girls.
We have a very special guest.
328
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,000
Please welcome Dennis Mills!
329
00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:23,500
Hello, Jayne. It's Denver.
330
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,700
Is it too late to pull out of the school?
331
00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:28,900
With the hospital lift out of order,
332
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:32,400
Lou has pushed his friend Andy
up three flights of stairs.
333
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,400
What a kerfuffle!
They should get that lift fixed.
334
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,500
- What are we doing?
- Remember Maria who looked after you?
335
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:42,500
She's not been well,
so we're taking her some flowers.
336
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:45,300
Then can we go?
337
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:48,200
Yeah. I'll go and find out what ward she's on.
338
00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:54,000
Excuse me, Nurse. Can you tell me
where I might find Maria Donnelly, please?
339
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,000
Yes, she's in Griffiths Ward. Next floor up.
340
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,600
- Oh, thanks.
- OK.
341
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,300
- Up one more flight, I'm afraid.
- Oh, no.
342
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:03,800
Yeah.
343
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:12,800
At home in Byright, Eileen is comforting
her recently bereaved sister Janet.
344
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,500
I tell you what. Why don't I put the kettle on,
make us both a nice cup of tea?
345
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,600
Yeah. Lovely.
346
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,500
Like a nice biscuit to go with it? Nice Penguin?
347
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,700
(SOBS LOUDLY)
348
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,500
- What now, love?
- Ivor used to love Penguins.
349
00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:33,700
- Always makes me think of him.
- Oh, yeah.
350
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:39,100
Yeah, we'll have it without. We'll have tea
on its own. Don't mind it in a mug, do you?
351
00:23:39,100 --> 00:23:41,300
(SOBS LOUDLY)
352
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:47,100
Ivor used to have his tea in a mug,
except when he had it in a cup and saucer.
353
00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:49,800
Yeah, I understand, love. I understand.
354
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:54,600
It's a lovely day. Why don't we go outside?
We could go down the shops.
355
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,800
(WAILS)
356
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:03,600
Me and Ivor used to go down the shops
when we needed to buy things.
357
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,200
Yeah, you would have done, yeah.
358
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:10,800
Yeah. We'll stay in, I'll get the paper
and we'll see what's on the telly.
359
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,800
(HOWLS)
360
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:17,300
- Oh, dear. Ivor?
- Ivor used to watch telly.
361
00:24:17,300 --> 00:24:23,600
The news, the sport, dramas, comedy
programmes, all sorts really, you know.
362
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:27,100
He was someone who liked telly.
You know, that was Ivor.
363
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:30,100
I thought we'd agreed not to talk about Ivor.
364
00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:32,400
Ohhhhh! Ivor!
365
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:35,000
That's the name of Ivor.
366
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,600
If ever I wanted to call him, I'd say, ''Ivor!''
367
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,600
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
368
00:24:41,700 --> 00:24:46,800
That's the word Ivor used to use
when he wanted to answer in the affirmative,
369
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:51,800
when he wanted to respond in a casual manner
as an alternative to the more formal ''yes''.
370
00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:03,100
Silence! That's what Ivor used to crave
when he didn't think...
371
00:25:03,100 --> 00:25:05,800
Oh, sorry, I didn't recognise you. Yeah...
372
00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:12,800
0ver at DIY Universe,
the staff were enjoying their tea break.
373
00:25:13,500 --> 00:25:15,600
Hiya, gang! Wicky woo!
374
00:25:17,900 --> 00:25:20,400
I'm having an Options. Does anyone want one?
375
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,300
We don't have to go back yet, do we?
376
00:25:26,300 --> 00:25:28,400
Oh, hello!
377
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,400
- I don't know you, do I?
- No, I'm new.
378
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:36,500
Wicky woo, Des Kaye, pleased to meet you!
Can I have me hand back, please?
379
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:39,200
Didn't you use to be on telly?
380
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,000
That's right. I used to present the ''Fun Bus''.
381
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,800
- Them Bubble Twins do it now.
- Do they? I haven't watched it.
382
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,300
Yeah, me little sister loves them.
383
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:54,300
- Let me tell you about the Bubble Twins.
- Kieran, it's time to get back.
384
00:25:54,300 --> 00:25:56,700
We've still got ten minutes!
385
00:25:57,700 --> 00:26:04,000
The Bubble Twins started off in 1986 doing
a little bit on my show, ''Des Kaye's Fun Bus''.
386
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,700
You remember the bit, ''What's in the custard?''
387
00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:09,400
- No, I don't think so.
- You remember it, Al.
388
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,600
- No.
- You do!
389
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:17,100
You're lying, you do. Come away, Croc!
Basically, they used to pour the custard.
390
00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:20,100
- I never watched it.
- Good, 'cause they were rubbish!
391
00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:26,500
Then I hear the ''Fun Bus'' has been pulled.
''Why is that?'' I hear you ask.
392
00:26:26,500 --> 00:26:30,500
- Wasn't it 'cause that girl lost an eye?
- No... Yeah.
393
00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:34,700
Actually, it's because...
''Top of the morning! Where's me breakfast?''
394
00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:37,500
Not now, Croc! I'm talking!
395
00:26:38,100 --> 00:26:40,100
Very rude.
396
00:26:41,900 --> 00:26:44,800
It's because Dicky Bubble is a queer...
397
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,800
- How do you know?
- I see him in all the clubs.
398
00:26:47,900 --> 00:26:51,600
And the head of Children's,
Robin Dee, he's also queer.
399
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,200
He's got a wife, but he's queer.
400
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:58,000
Basically, Dicky Bubble said to Robin Dee,
''I'll fill your slot.''
401
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:00,600
Bum sex.
402
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:05,900
Hey presto, Des Kaye out of a job!
So can we change the subject?
403
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,000
- Kettle's boiled.
- Thank you.
404
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,100
So...
405
00:27:17,100 --> 00:27:19,600
What's everybody doing later?
406
00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:29,600
(VERY LOUD )
I said, ''What's everybody doing later?''
407
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:41,100
Ian! I've just spoken to Mr McWhirter
and he says you're not allowed to use Sellotape.
408
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:44,200
What? Any?
409
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,600
Apparently not.
410
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,200
It's a shame. I was happy with that.
411
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,800
Oh, well, best start again, eh?
412
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:55,500
And so our tour of Britain
is over for another week.
413
00:27:55,500 --> 00:28:00,300
If you enjoyed the programme, you might like
to know that the book accompanying the series
414
00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:02,500
has not yet been written.
415
00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:04,400
Goodbyes!
36003
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