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1
00:00:00,835 --> 00:00:04,338
Previously on
"Splitting Up Together"...
2
00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:08,259
I need passion and romance
and sex in my life,
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,094
and Martin just doesn't.
4
00:00:10,136 --> 00:00:11,262
I bet you never
would have dreamed
5
00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:12,263
you'd be eating street meat
6
00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:13,723
and making out
in a parking lot.
7
00:00:13,764 --> 00:00:16,142
Yeah, well, we're not
exactly making out.
8
00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:18,686
I want to fix things
with Lena.
9
00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:19,729
Dude,
when did this happen?
10
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:21,605
What if I had danced
with her at our wedding?
11
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,983
Maybe it would have changed the
entire course of our marriage.
12
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,944
I am so turned on
right now.
13
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,866
[ Thunder rumbles ]
14
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:35,411
♪♪
15
00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,830
[ Cellphone chimes ]
16
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,373
[ Cellphone chimes ]
17
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:41,709
♪♪
18
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:44,253
[ Keys tapping ]
19
00:00:44,295 --> 00:00:50,718
♪♪
20
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:57,224
♪♪
21
00:00:57,266 --> 00:01:00,686
Mae? I asked you to put away
your laundry.
22
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:03,189
May I finish
this chapter?
23
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,192
And, Mason, it's your turn to
unload the dishwasher, remember?
24
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,652
Just a sec.
25
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,572
And, hey, what about you?
26
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:14,283
Did you put the toys away
in your room like I asked?
27
00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,077
What is...
28
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:18,662
What are you doing?
29
00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,164
What is -- What is going on?
30
00:01:20,206 --> 00:01:21,332
What are you...
31
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:23,876
[ Gasps ]
32
00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:26,504
Are you running out
the clock right now?
33
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:28,798
Are you stalling me
until Dad Week
34
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,132
so you don't have
to do your chores?
35
00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:32,384
If you could hear
how crazy you sound...
36
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,427
Mae?
37
00:01:33,469 --> 00:01:34,595
I plead the fifth.
38
00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:35,930
I plead the fifth, too,
39
00:01:35,971 --> 00:01:38,057
because we're doing
what you said.
40
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,642
You suck at the fifth.
41
00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:42,770
Okay. I get it.
I get the appeal.
42
00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:45,105
Guess what.
I'm in.
43
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,982
I'm leaving my chores
for Dad Week, too.
44
00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,442
She's bluffing.
Is she?
45
00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,110
You don't know her.
She's a changed woman.
46
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:51,320
She's loco.
47
00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:53,030
Okay, now you
do sound crazy.
48
00:01:53,072 --> 00:01:55,032
Why is your third-person
persona Hispanic?
49
00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:57,952
No lo sé, mamacita.
50
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,119
[ Laughter ]
51
00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:02,248
What is
going on in here?
52
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,041
Unclear.
53
00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:05,417
Mom's trying to be fun.
54
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,754
Oh, Mom's pretty fun
these days.
55
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:11,173
I'd ask what that means,
but I'm too fun to care.
56
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:15,970
And I'd pick up all this clean
laundry, but my week is over.
57
00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:17,137
Bye!
58
00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,806
Text me if you need me.
59
00:02:18,848 --> 00:02:20,182
Okay.
60
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,433
Did you guys
do your chores?
61
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:22,685
-Yep.
-Yep.
62
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:25,771
I plead the fifth
because we didn't.
63
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,731
How am I doing it wrong?
64
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:31,485
♪♪
65
00:02:31,527 --> 00:02:32,570
Oh, you want some?
66
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:33,821
Don't do it.
Want some?
67
00:02:33,863 --> 00:02:35,990
Oh, you want some?!
I'm leaving.
68
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:39,159
♪ Keep giving me hope
for a better day ♪
69
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:42,663
♪ Keep giving me love
to find a way ♪
70
00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:46,000
♪ Through this heaviness
I feel ♪
71
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:52,298
♪ I just need someone to say
everything's okay ♪
72
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:56,427
♪ Everything's okay ♪
73
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,344
What do you think?
74
00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:58,387
Depends.
75
00:02:58,429 --> 00:02:59,972
Can he see?
76
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,181
And what's wrong
with you?
77
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,725
You seem relaxed.
78
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:05,060
I'm just really
enjoying dating...
79
00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:06,604
and really enjoying Wes.
80
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,564
You really enjoyed Wes?
81
00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:10,524
I really enjoyed him
in a car.
82
00:03:10,566 --> 00:03:14,111
Oh, that must've been nice
after a two-year drought.
83
00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:16,447
Ohh. Really nice.
84
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:18,324
And it wasn't
just the sex.
85
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:21,785
It was feeling wanted,
feeling desired.
86
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:23,162
It gave me life.
87
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,788
It gave you life?
88
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:25,915
Wow.
89
00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:27,416
The only problem
is Martin.
90
00:03:27,458 --> 00:03:29,752
He's just -- He's been really
cranky with my lately.
91
00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,880
Well, he can probably tell that
you've been "given life."
92
00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:34,089
Well, what does he care?
93
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,716
He's in a full-blown
relationship
94
00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:37,551
with "Our Lady of Abs."
95
00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,886
Oh, hey!
96
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,638
How's it going
with Operation Fetus?
97
00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:43,098
I did some research,
and if I want to do it
98
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:46,268
on my own, I have to open
an account at the sperm bank.
99
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,228
Will they link it
to a free checking?
100
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,064
[ Chuckles ] And then
I have to sign
101
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:51,690
a semen-purchaser agreement.
102
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,401
-Come again?
-And pay for storage.
103
00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,819
I thought
we store it in you?
104
00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:58,238
And then there's
the most important step --
105
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,907
choosing a donor.
106
00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,408
But, you know, the good news is,
107
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:05,079
unlike dating,
there really is no rejection.
108
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,664
If you find a guy you like,
109
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,124
you can pretty much
just have his baby.
110
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:11,669
He's not gonna be telling you
he's joining the Peace Corps
111
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,755
and then you run into him
at Bed Bath & Beyond.
112
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:17,424
[ Sighs ]
113
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:20,177
I want you to know, if you
decide to go through with this,
114
00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:22,763
I am with you every step
of the way --
115
00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:24,640
and in a pretty good
outfit.
116
00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:27,559
A really good outfit.
117
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,270
[ Whispering ]
Look at those boobies.
118
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:31,355
-What happened?
-The whole thing
119
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:32,314
was a nightmare.
120
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,857
I didn't even get to dance...
121
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:35,526
There is nothing sadder
than a talented dancer
122
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,111
not getting to dance.
123
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:40,656
...because Lena was hooking up
with some guy in his car.
124
00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:42,533
You know what?
That is sadder.
125
00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:43,951
I mean,
who has sex in a car?
126
00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:45,369
Camille.
127
00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:47,579
Me.
Lena.
128
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,998
I'm sorry.
Was that rhetorical?
129
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,541
I'll get it.
130
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,751
Get what, buddy?
131
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,170
Oh. Hey.
132
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:58,257
You okay, pal?
133
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,425
Ohh.
134
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,343
This kid's got a fever.
135
00:05:01,385 --> 00:05:03,012
[ Grunts ]
136
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,888
Sorry.
137
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,974
This is the way the movie
"Outbreak" started.
138
00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:08,350
Thanks for your concern.
139
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,102
Is he gonna be okay?
[ Chuckles nervously ]
140
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:13,063
Of course. I have taken care of
many a sick child in my day.
141
00:05:13,105 --> 00:05:16,025
Let's get you upstairs to bed,
bundle you up.
142
00:05:17,609 --> 00:05:20,320
Or dress you lightly?
143
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:24,742
I'm gonna WebMD it.
All right.
144
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,827
[ Knock on door ]
145
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,538
Hey.
146
00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:33,250
Don't mind me.
147
00:05:33,292 --> 00:05:34,752
Just keep putting
your party paint on
148
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,253
while I parent
our children --
149
00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:39,048
and you put on the other half
of that dress.
150
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,966
Are you looking
for something?
151
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:41,842
Board game.
152
00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:42,718
Board game?
153
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,094
Ever heard of them?
154
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:45,888
They're a wholesome form
of entertainment.
155
00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:48,432
Are you having
family game night?
156
00:05:48,474 --> 00:05:49,892
As a matter of fact,
we are.
157
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,185
You mind if I join you?
158
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,478
Suit yourself.
159
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,021
I think we're gonna
play Monopoly.
160
00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,189
I'll be the car.
161
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,191
[ Rustling ]
162
00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:59,985
[ Ring tone plays ]
163
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,695
Hey.
164
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:04,281
Yeah, that sounds great,
whatever you want.
165
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,240
I'm chill.
166
00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:06,867
Chill? Chill?
167
00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,452
Yeah, I'll see you in five.
Chill?! She's chill?!
168
00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:09,620
She's the opposite
of chill!
169
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:10,913
I am increasingly chill!
170
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:13,457
She yelled
in a very un-chill way!
171
00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:15,292
Okay, stop it.
There is no narrating.
172
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,376
Okay, back up.
Fight's over.
173
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:17,920
Hey!
Ugh.
174
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,089
You need to go.
We're almost out of time here.
175
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:20,923
[ Hisses ]
176
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,257
[ Hisses ]
177
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:29,098
♪♪
178
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,432
This is
a really nice place.
179
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:31,850
Mm.
This is the kind of place
180
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,018
you take a girl
181
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,436
before she has sex
with you.
182
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:35,813
No.
183
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,147
This is the kind
of place you take the girl
184
00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:39,650
that you really want
to keep having sex with.
185
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,985
Welcome!
My name is Grace,
186
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,362
and I'll be
your server tonight.
187
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,696
Hi, Grace.
Hi.
188
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,657
Allow me to offer you
our house infused
189
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:48,325
blackberry-sage water.
190
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,828
Permission granted.
191
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:51,787
Infused.
192
00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:54,540
I know.
193
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:58,168
Wow. That is the best thing
I've ever tasted.
194
00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,419
You seem different.
195
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:00,754
I do? How?
196
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:02,673
Yeah. I-I don't know.
You seem lighter.
197
00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:04,341
At this time, we'd like
to remind you that
198
00:07:04,383 --> 00:07:06,468
this is a screen-free
restaurant.
199
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:08,720
We invite you to stow
your devices so you may
200
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,974
better enjoy your meal
and each other's company.
201
00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:12,850
Oh.
202
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:15,060
Okay.
203
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,854
I'll just stow mine
in my purse.
204
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:20,524
Oh, but look how sad his phone
looks all alone in there.
205
00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:22,359
Mm?
206
00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:24,611
I don't really think
it looks sad.
207
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:31,535
♪♪
208
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,454
Bloop!
209
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:36,540
"Bloop," huh?
210
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:39,168
I have to admit,
when we first met,
211
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,460
I didn't take you
for a blooper.
212
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,670
No?
No.
213
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:44,590
You seemed like a woman
with...stuff.
214
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,383
Now look -- you're
giving up your phone,
215
00:07:46,425 --> 00:07:47,885
you're making fun noises.
216
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,386
I feel like I'm
a good influence on you.
217
00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:51,221
I think you are.
218
00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,141
But the stuff's
still there.
219
00:07:54,183 --> 00:07:55,976
Mm.
For example, my ex,
220
00:07:56,018 --> 00:07:57,978
who I still live with,
is mad at me,
221
00:07:58,020 --> 00:07:59,855
and I think I know why.
222
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:02,608
And I think it has something
to do with you.
223
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,318
Me?
Mm-hmm.
224
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,903
Even though
he's dating someone
225
00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,362
with an incredibly
flat stomach,
226
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:09,823
I'm not supposed to date,
because I'm the mom.
227
00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:11,617
And I'm trying not to buy into
that double standard,
228
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,161
but it's weird because
he's home with the kids
229
00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:15,829
doing a game night,
and that just --
230
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:17,831
it makes me feel guilty
and absent and conflicted,
231
00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,583
and we had a big fight
before I left,
232
00:08:19,625 --> 00:08:21,293
where I may or may not
have hissed at him,
233
00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:23,086
and I kind of want to check in
and smooth things over,
234
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:25,547
but I can't, because Grace took
my phone, and I hate her,
235
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:28,008
but I like you, and I'm somewhat
interested in the veal,
236
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,052
which I'm morally
opposed to.
237
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,513
Bloop.
238
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,098
No!
239
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,600
[ Laughs ] No way.
240
00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:39,269
You can't just...
bloop after that.
241
00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:40,604
Why not?
242
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:42,773
The lightness
and the darkness coexist.
243
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:45,192
I have many
sides to me, Wes.
244
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:47,110
Can you handle
many sides?
245
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,905
I can handle every side.
246
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,326
Martin: Okay, say, "Ahh!"
247
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,912
Like this -- "Ahh!"
248
00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,498
You're gonna have to stick it
right under your tongue,
249
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,625
right, and then purse
your lips like this, like --
250
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:02,918
like you're sipping a straw.
251
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,294
That's not how
Mom does it.
252
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:05,754
Well, I don't care
how Mom does it.
253
00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:07,047
This is how I do it.
254
00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:10,259
But just tell me
how Mom does it
255
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,969
so I can show you
how much I don't care.
256
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,846
First, she puts
her lips on my forehead.
257
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,182
Then, she takes
an armpit reading,
258
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,644
and if it's over 100.9,
she slips me a $20.
259
00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:21,853
What?
260
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,814
Grape medicine
and a $20 bill.
261
00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:24,648
Yes, she does.
262
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:25,983
No, she does not.
263
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,401
Yes, she does, too.
No, she doesn't.
264
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,528
Yes, she does, too,
when you're not looking.
265
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,572
So, if he's sick,
does that mean no game night?
266
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,199
No game night.
267
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,118
But maybe you could find some
other form of entertainment,
268
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,537
like having sex on
our street outside the house?
269
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:42,165
[ Chuckling ] Sounds
better than Monopoly.
270
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:43,500
Oh.
You're talking about --
271
00:09:43,542 --> 00:09:44,793
Your sister?
272
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,169
The mother
of my children?
273
00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:47,504
Cleaner of countertops?
274
00:09:47,546 --> 00:09:49,548
I saw her, okay?
[ Thermometer beeping ]
275
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,341
102.7.
276
00:09:51,383 --> 00:09:54,761
That's got to be worth
at least 40 bucks.
277
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,430
I don't have any cash.
278
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,515
Yeah, what's new?
279
00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,975
Wes: Hey.
[ Soft music plays ]
280
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,435
Since you're missing out on
family game tonight...
281
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,353
Mm-hmm.
...maybe we could play a game.
282
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:04,938
Okay.
What'd you have in mind?
283
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:09,943
How about who can make
the other person blush first?
284
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:11,361
Oh.
285
00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:12,904
Okay. I'm in.
286
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,701
Whoa! I'm out.
287
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,161
You win. [ Laughs ]
288
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,746
Thank you.
289
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:24,041
[ Sighs ] I hate to say it
'cause she is an awful person,
290
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:26,251
but, you know,
Grace was right.
291
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:28,337
Who needs phones?
292
00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:32,716
[ Cellphone chiming ]
293
00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:38,138
♪♪
294
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:43,602
♪♪
295
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,149
[ Laughs ]
296
00:10:49,191 --> 00:10:50,567
[ Indistinct singing ]
297
00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:52,569
Oh, hey, Grace!
298
00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:54,279
Uh, I'm just on my way
to the ladies'.
299
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,656
Would it be cool if I took
a glance at my phone real quick?
300
00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:57,991
Ohh.
301
00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,743
Your entrees
will be out shortly.
302
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:00,869
Fantastic.
303
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:02,537
Could I just
see my phone, please?
304
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,457
Well, customarily,
we hand people their phones
305
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,627
as they exit the restaurant,
and, customarily,
306
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,212
they thank us for it.
307
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:13,131
Okay, well, customarily,
I don't go dark on my three kids
308
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,050
because some hipster
restaurant thinks that
309
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,969
charred leeks are more
important than they are.
310
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:20,597
[ Bell dings ]
Oh!
311
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,099
The entrees
are coming out.
312
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,642
I hand-sauce them
at the table,
313
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,310
so you might
want to hurry back.
314
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,771
Okay.
315
00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:37,322
♪♪
316
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:45,163
♪♪
317
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,040
[ Gasps ]
318
00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:50,460
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug!
319
00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:51,628
Let me see?
320
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:53,130
Yes! Nice.
321
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,631
What's my prize?
322
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:57,300
Well, for finishing
your drink, you get
323
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:58,260
two pills.
324
00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,636
Aww!
325
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:01,471
I miss college.
326
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:03,140
I don't know that
I'd ever be as good
327
00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,724
at this parenting stuff
as you are.
328
00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:05,976
I'm thinking of trying.
329
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,352
Yeah?
330
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,563
On my own.
You probably think that's dumb.
331
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,606
Dumb?
Of course not.
332
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,316
It's just a little
intimidating, you know,
333
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,652
the amount of sheer vigilance
that you and Lena have.
334
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:17,446
I just don't know
that I could do it.
335
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:21,700
So you'll do it
in your own Maya way.
336
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,743
I actually you're gonna
be a great parent.
337
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:24,661
Well, thanks.
338
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:25,954
[ Doorbell rings ]
339
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:27,247
That means a lot,
coming from you.
340
00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:28,457
You being sarcastic?
341
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:29,958
Usually.
Not right now.
342
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,418
That sounded sarcastic.
343
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,837
It's hard to shake.
344
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:34,713
Soup?
345
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,672
I didn't order soup.
346
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,007
Someone did.
347
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,050
Thank you -- ha ha --
for the soup.
348
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,635
-Yeah.
-Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
349
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:45,182
I have a feeling [clears throat]
that it's my fault.
350
00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,517
I texted her an update.
351
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:49,144
Oh, you see?
352
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:51,104
You see? This is --
This is classic Lena,
353
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,689
exactly how
you shouldn't parent.
354
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:54,858
She is trying
to control this situation
355
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:55,859
even though
she is not here.
356
00:12:55,901 --> 00:12:57,027
This is just soup.
357
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,945
It is not just soup.
358
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:03,283
It is doubt and distrust --
with noodles.
359
00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,785
She wants to out-parent me
while she's out there
360
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,913
fooling around
with some guy in his car.
361
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:11,708
My God. Why are you so stuck
on this guy and his car?
362
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:14,586
Because I was trying
to be the guy in the car.
363
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:17,631
Oh, yeah? [ Chuckles ]
What about your girlfriend?
364
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:18,965
What?
365
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,884
Oh, yeah, the PYT
that has been spotted
366
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:24,513
on multiple occasions, coming
in and out of the garage?
367
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:25,847
Charlotte?
368
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,015
She's my dance teacher.
369
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:28,141
[ Laughs ]
370
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,434
That's hilarious.
371
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,810
'Cause I was
at your wedding.
372
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:31,728
You don't dance.
373
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,188
Well, I do now.
374
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:37,317
I was trying to surprise
Lena for our anniversary.
375
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:39,736
But I'm the one
who got surprised.
376
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:43,698
Milo.
377
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:44,866
Soup.
378
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:47,035
[ Sighs ]
379
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:49,120
Daddy and I
need a drink.
380
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:52,249
I'm a terrible mother.
381
00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:55,085
My son is home sick,
burning up with a fever,
382
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,379
and I'm living it up
on infused blackberry water.
383
00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,256
I can feel Martin
judging me right now.
384
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,924
Why? You didn't know he was
sick when you left.
385
00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,092
Well, that's
the other thing.
386
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,552
How did I not know?
387
00:14:03,593 --> 00:14:05,804
I can usually spot a fever
on that kid a mile away.
388
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,265
I feel like my mom
instincts are dwindling.
389
00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:10,141
Hey, they are
not dwindling.
390
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,601
[ Sighs ]
391
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,645
Who tore through every
item in this closet
392
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:16,064
to check her phone even
after she was asked not to?
393
00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:17,732
Repeatedly
asked not to.
394
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:20,694
And then who used that phone,
during Blitz Pricing,
395
00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:23,697
to Post Mates poor sick little
Milo some overpriced soup?
396
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,115
I did.
397
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:26,866
And in an effort to get
you home faster,
398
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,660
who asked Grace to
wrap up our dinners
399
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:31,663
even though she warned us they'd
lose their complexity?
400
00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:32,789
You did.
401
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:35,333
That's right.
402
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,460
Bye!
403
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,629
[ Sighs ] Yeah, and there
I was in my wedding tux,
404
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,715
holding this big,
stupid bouquet of flowers,
405
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,800
and I waltz up the driveway
to find Lena
406
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:46,303
and this guy in his car.
407
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:49,347
That's more heartbreaking than
"Manchester by the Sea."
408
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,640
Well, what
are you gonna do?
409
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,267
We're divorced.
410
00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:54,561
But I still don't
understand what happened
411
00:14:54,603 --> 00:14:55,979
between the two of you.
412
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,064
[ Sighs ]
413
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,649
Well, what'd she say?
414
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:01,568
Well, you know,
Lena's a pretty private person,
415
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,403
and she doesn't
tell me much.
416
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:04,738
No sex for two years.
417
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:06,031
Wow.
418
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:07,073
Okay. [ Scoffs ]
419
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,408
But true?
420
00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:09,576
Well, I feel like
there was more at play
421
00:15:09,618 --> 00:15:12,412
than that,
but, yeah...probably.
422
00:15:12,454 --> 00:15:14,247
Look, I don't know,
all right?
423
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:15,498
I don't know what happened.
424
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:16,791
I guess, somewhere
along the way,
425
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,335
with our different
sleep schedules
426
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:21,338
and parenting ideals
and -- and constant bickering,
427
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:23,298
you know, I just...
428
00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,300
lost it for Lena.
429
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:26,509
You lost it?
430
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:28,345
Yeah, interest, passion.
431
00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:30,388
My God, we're not even
talking about me now,
432
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,806
and it's still
hard to hear.
433
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,808
Well, it's hard
to feel, you know?
434
00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:36,186
And then I see some guy
in a -- in a car
435
00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:40,023
grabbing her ass,
a-and I can't help but think,
436
00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:42,984
"That should
be me in there."
437
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,612
I mean, not in there
with them, obviously.
438
00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:47,614
You know, that
would be weird. I...
439
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:50,450
I-I just -- I should've
forced myself to --
440
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,910
No, Martin, no.
441
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,454
You don't force yourself
to grab someone's ass.
442
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:58,875
You do it 'cause you can't not,
'cause you're that into them.
443
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:02,045
I mean, can you imagine
ever having those feelings
444
00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:04,381
for Lena again?
445
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:07,342
♪♪
446
00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:09,886
Grace would kill herself
if she knew we were gonna
447
00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:12,972
eat this with plastic utensils
in my garage.
448
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,849
But we're not.
Uh, yeah, we are
449
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:16,893
'cause the good silver's
inside with Martin.
450
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:19,062
Which is where I think
you want to be.
451
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:20,730
What? No.
452
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:23,233
No. I mean...
453
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,944
Now that we're here, I wouldn't
mind doing a quick check-in.
454
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,654
But after that,
I'm all yours.
455
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:30,782
You're definitely
not all mine.
456
00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,701
Not tonight.
457
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:33,910
I'm sorry.
458
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:35,161
No.
459
00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:37,080
I'll call you.
Can I call you?
460
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:38,832
Um...yeah.
461
00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,667
[ Chuckles ]
462
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,587
-Hey.
-Hey.
463
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,256
Were you inside?
464
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,966
How's Milo?
Should I go check on him?
465
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,884
Uh, no,
Martin's got it covered.
466
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:51,094
But I kind of
want to see him.
467
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:52,595
Yeah, but it's not
your night,
468
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,222
and Martin probably
doesn't want to see you
469
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,266
fresh off the heels
of your date with Wes.
470
00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:58,643
What? What's that
supposed to mean?
471
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,478
Has Martin
brainwashed you?
472
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,439
He had his girlfriend here,
473
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,274
but I'm sullied because
I went on a date.
474
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:05,650
Okay, no one's
saying sullied.
475
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,110
It's 2018.
476
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,945
And he doesn't
have a girlfriend.
477
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:09,821
What?
478
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,281
Yeah. No girlfriend.
479
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:13,658
That was his dance teacher
that he hired
480
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,453
to surprise you
on your anniversary.
481
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,455
Oh, my God.
482
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,625
Oh, my God.
483
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,043
And that's
the night I was...
484
00:17:24,085 --> 00:17:26,045
Sullied.
Sullied.
485
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:34,429
[ Knock on door ]
486
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,475
Let me guess.
487
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:41,144
You're here to demand
access to Milo.
488
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,562
No.
489
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:46,107
I'm here to demand
access to you.
490
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,525
Oh.
491
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,903
Well, come in.
492
00:17:52,864 --> 00:17:54,532
[ Door closes ]
493
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,786
I didn't know you'd been
taking dance lessons...
494
00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:58,995
Oh, boy.
...or that you saw me
495
00:17:59,037 --> 00:18:00,246
the other night with Wes.
496
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:01,915
Wow, so Maya
497
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,708
is basically
an informant.
498
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,084
-[ Sighs ] No.
-She's a double agent.
499
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:07,170
No, I just.
I-I feel...
500
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:09,005
Stop.
Just stop, okay?
501
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:11,007
We don't have to do this.
502
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,050
Everything is fine.
503
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:12,926
No, it's not fine.
504
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,427
It is. I swear.
505
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,679
Look, honestly,
I-I think this played out
506
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,598
exactly the way
it was supposed to.
507
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,974
What does that mean?
508
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:22,143
It means that I don't know
what I was thinking.
509
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,979
What, that I could make
one stupid gesture, and then,
510
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,940
you know, all of a sudden,
everything's gonna be okay?
511
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,483
It wasn't
a stupid gesture.
512
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:29,859
And seeing you...
513
00:18:29,901 --> 00:18:33,279
with that guy,
i-it hurt, yeah.
514
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,948
Hurt in what way?
515
00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:39,160
In the way that it hurts seeing
another man with your woman.
516
00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,370
"Your woman"?
517
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:42,413
So it hurt your ego?
518
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,041
Oh, my God, Lena, are you --
are you serious right now?
519
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,876
Are you, Martin?
Come on.
520
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:49,128
Did it hurt your heart,
or did it hurt your pride?
521
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:50,421
Lena, I'm done,
all right?
522
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,841
I am done!
I am done with the scrutiny.
523
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:54,467
And whatever way it hurt,
I'm sure it wasn't
524
00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:56,219
the right kind of hurt
for you, okay?
525
00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:59,097
And we -- we -- we
push each other's buttons,
526
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,224
and we get under
each other's skin.
527
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:02,725
Look, you deserve
the kind of passion
528
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,269
that you felt
that night in the car.
529
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:08,690
You deserve someone
who feels that way about you.
530
00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:10,650
And that someone
isn't you?
531
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:24,247
I think I would like
to see Milo after all.
532
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:33,423
♪♪
533
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:37,969
♪ This is not ♪
534
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,138
♪ What we wanted ♪
535
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,264
He looks good.
536
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:42,849
You must've
pushed fluids.
537
00:19:42,891 --> 00:19:44,601
I did.
538
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,312
Well, he's not feverish.
539
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:50,440
Did you alternate
Tylenol and Motrin?
540
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:51,941
I did.
541
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:54,819
Well, you must've kept
a great dosing chart.
542
00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,779
Nope. Didn't need it.
543
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:57,989
Don't even know
what that is.
544
00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,532
You know what that is.
545
00:19:59,574 --> 00:20:01,576
Dosing charts
are for babies.
546
00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:04,662
Yes, for babies and children
that you're trying not to kill.
547
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,331
[ Chuckles ]
548
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:10,043
Well...to your credit,
he does not appear to be dead.
549
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,463
Did he trick you
into giving him money?
550
00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:15,381
No.
551
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,469
[ Pops lips ] Hmm.
552
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,220
Must've lost a tooth.
553
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:25,433
♪♪
554
00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:32,732
How'd it go?
555
00:20:32,774 --> 00:20:35,109
We are still divorced.
556
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,778
Way to keep at it.
557
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,029
What are you doing?
558
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:40,323
Me? I'm doing
a little shopping
559
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:41,991
for sperm and purses.
560
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:43,201
I have two tabs open.
561
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,410
So we're doing it?
562
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:45,745
We're doing it.
[ Gasps ]
563
00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:47,246
Do you think the baby
is gonna be pissed
564
00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:48,831
that it doesn't have a dad?
565
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:50,124
I'll be the dad.
566
00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:51,209
Yeah?
567
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,585
Hell yeah.
568
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,504
[ Voice breaking ]
Okay, cool.
569
00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:58,049
And speaking of cool,
um, can we take a picture
570
00:20:58,091 --> 00:21:00,718
of me signing
my semen-purchaser agreement?
571
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,180
Duh. We're gonna need it
for the baby book.
572
00:21:04,222 --> 00:21:05,264
Ah, yeah!
573
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:08,184
[ Laughs ]
574
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,811
Okay.
Here we go.
575
00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,854
Ready?
[ Gasps ] Yes.
576
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,523
[ Inhales deeply ]
577
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:14,774
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
578
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,150
Did you get
the semen in there?
579
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,986
Oh, it's in there.
580
00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:22,782
Anyway...
39556
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