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1
00:00:01,419 --> 00:00:04,088
Lena: Did you take out
the trash bins?
Martin: Yes.
2
00:00:04,130 --> 00:00:05,464
Did you set the alarm?
Yes.
3
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,842
Did you throw out
the chicken?
Yes.
4
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,093
Did you lock the gate?
Yes.
5
00:00:09,135 --> 00:00:10,386
Did you feed the turtle?
Yes.
6
00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:11,804
Is Mae doing her homework?
Yes.
7
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,515
Did you tell Milo
to brush?
Yes.
8
00:00:14,557 --> 00:00:17,810
Did you sign
Mason's permission slip?
Yes.
9
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:19,854
Did you empty
the dishwasher?
10
00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:21,564
No.
11
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,566
Did you ask me to?
Yes.
12
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:25,651
Did you wash
Mason's soccer uniform?
13
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:26,777
Did you refill
the Sparkletts?
14
00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:28,529
Yes, I did.
I did, yes.
15
00:00:28,571 --> 00:00:32,032
Well...
good night, then.
16
00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,409
Good night.
17
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,413
Lena:
It wasn't always like this.
Martin: No.
18
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,790
When we first started dating,
we never high-fived.
19
00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:42,710
And we certainly weren't
sleeping in separate bedrooms.
20
00:00:42,752 --> 00:00:44,086
Not even close.
21
00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:46,046
We were
all over each other.
22
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:48,466
Coldplay's first album
had just come out.
23
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,801
And we were having
rigorous sex
24
00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:53,262
on a full stomach
of Middle Eastern food.
25
00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:55,264
The way you can
when you're young.
26
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,559
I once convinced him
to call in sick to work
27
00:00:58,601 --> 00:01:01,103
and spend the whole day
in a self-realization garden.
28
00:01:01,145 --> 00:01:02,563
♪ So I look
in your direction ♪
29
00:01:02,605 --> 00:01:04,356
I only had one realization
that day...
30
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,692
♪ But you pay me no attention,
do you? ♪
31
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,944
...that I wanted
to be with her.
32
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,738
And then...
33
00:01:10,780 --> 00:01:13,532
Okay, it says it could take up
to five minutes, and then you --
34
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,909
We're pregnant.
35
00:01:14,950 --> 00:01:17,787
We're pregnant.
36
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:20,164
We're pregnant.
37
00:01:20,206 --> 00:01:22,333
And in that moment,
we both knew
38
00:01:22,374 --> 00:01:24,919
the days
of self-realization...
39
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,837
And take-out...
...and foreplay...
40
00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:29,465
...and Coldplay...
...were all behind us.
41
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:30,925
But that was okay.
42
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,718
Yeah, especially
the Coldplay part,
43
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,179
because their later stuff
was, you know, not as good.
44
00:01:35,221 --> 00:01:37,181
And besides,
now we had...
45
00:01:37,223 --> 00:01:40,059
[ Cheers and applause ]
Martin: Whoo!
Water gun fight!
46
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,727
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!
47
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,146
Our relationship became
that of two camp counselors.
48
00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:46,440
Actually,
more like one camp counselor
49
00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:49,026
and one camp director
who was always barking orders.
Babe, the window!
50
00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:51,237
You got to shut
the window!
Okay, r-relax.
51
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,738
Seriously,
what are you thinking?
Relax!
52
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,323
Hey, if I didn't bark,
53
00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:56,867
you let me do
all the heavy lifting while...
54
00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:59,662
I was just gonna go
for a quick run before work.
55
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:00,996
Cool.
56
00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,207
I was just gonna do
the laundry, vacuum,
57
00:02:03,249 --> 00:02:04,792
plunge
the upstairs toilet,
58
00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,335
call a guy about
the broken sprinkler,
59
00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:09,421
go to work, come home,
and make dinner.
60
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,006
Cool.
61
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,508
What's for dinner?
62
00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:15,344
She was mad
I didn't do more.
63
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:16,929
But whatever I did
was wrong anyway.
64
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,931
That's how he justifies
not making an effort.
65
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:21,392
[ Sighs ]
So, long story short...
66
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,477
We're pulling the plug.
67
00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:25,229
"Do Not Resuscitate."
68
00:02:25,271 --> 00:02:27,022
We had a good run,
but we're halting production.
69
00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,482
"Don't Cry For Me,
Argentina."
70
00:02:28,524 --> 00:02:31,610
We're shootin' Old Yeller
right between the eyes.
71
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:35,447
He was a good dog,
but now...
72
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,866
now he's rabid.
73
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:38,325
You saw the film.
74
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:41,537
♪♪
75
00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:44,623
And the kids know,
and -- and they're okay.
76
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,750
And things really
aren't gonna be that different,
77
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,711
because we're gonna
continue living together.
78
00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:52,631
So, please,
enjoy the salad course.
79
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,885
♪ Keep giving me hope
for a better day ♪
80
00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:59,221
♪ Keep giving me love
to find a way ♪
81
00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:02,558
♪ Through this heaviness
I feel ♪
82
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:08,856
♪ I just need someone to say
everything's okay ♪
83
00:03:08,898 --> 00:03:13,944
♪ Everything's okay ♪
84
00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:18,240
♪♪
85
00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:20,200
They're not eating
the salad.
86
00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,578
Well, maybe if you
hadn't reference a
dead dog with rabies.
87
00:03:22,620 --> 00:03:24,246
Well, nothing you were saying
was landing.
That was --
88
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:26,790
Well, first off,
I'd just like to say...
89
00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,834
we're going to
eat the salad.
90
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,628
The salad looks great.
91
00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:32,379
I mean,
there's grapes in there.
92
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,423
I think we can all agree
that's a very nice touch.
93
00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:36,759
Very nice.
Great looking salad.
94
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,553
But it's your news, darling,
that's a bit confusing.
95
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,139
Why would you get
divorced if you still
want to live together?
96
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:45,142
Oh, we don't want
to live together. No.
97
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:48,437
We are upside-down on the house,
and the market is soft.
98
00:03:48,479 --> 00:03:51,982
They can't get a divorce.
What is going to happen to us?
99
00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,651
We don't have another couple
to hang out with.
100
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,361
Okay, guys, Camille's
making a great point, here.
101
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:58,489
Look, we've been living
separate lives for years.
102
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,950
The divorce will just give
this whole thing some structure,
103
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:03,035
and it'll give everyone else
a chance to adjust.
104
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:05,537
Yeah. Plus, we're not gonna be
living together together.
105
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,498
We're gonna switch off
every other week.
106
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,291
Right.
107
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:12,711
So, the on-duty parent
will live in here,
108
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,130
taking care of the kids,
living a rich, full life.
109
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,423
That's right,
and the off-duty parent
110
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:19,051
will be living
right here in, uh...
111
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:21,387
the...
112
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:22,721
in the garage.
113
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,015
♪♪
114
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,559
[ Dehumidifier whirring ]
Oh, come on.
It's not that bad.
115
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,061
It's great, right?
116
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,522
A-And you're never alone,
because...
117
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:33,065
turtle!
118
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,401
And there's tons of freedom.
Right?
119
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:38,654
I mean, if you -- you
want to leave your
butter on the counter...
120
00:04:38,696 --> 00:04:41,407
I mean, I didn't,
but I could if I wanted to.
121
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:44,576
You want to go on a run
and not even shower afterwards?
122
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,913
Oh, you want to rediscover
your collection of ugly hats?
123
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,665
I did.
124
00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:51,500
I see. So, it's just a lot
of latitude with perishables,
125
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:53,377
personal hygiene, and...
126
00:04:53,419 --> 00:04:56,422
unattractive headwear?
[ Chuckles ] That's funny.
127
00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:58,257
See, I never even knew
you were funny
128
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,843
because we've never had
the chance to hang out together,
129
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:01,885
one on one.
130
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,178
Can you turn that thing off?
131
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,847
It's kind of hard
to talk over it.
132
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:08,225
[ Sighs ] No. No, Lena insists
I run that thing 24/7.
133
00:05:08,267 --> 00:05:09,893
When it's turned off,
it gets damp,
134
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,895
and when it gets damp,
the centipedes come.
135
00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:13,439
The centipedes come?
136
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,482
You know what, Artie?
137
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,609
You are right.
Screw Lena.
138
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:19,653
I don't have to
follow her orders anymore.
139
00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:21,488
[ Whirring stops ]
I never said that.
140
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:22,740
I mean, that's the whole point
of getting divorced, isn't it?
141
00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:25,200
I don't know.
I've never been divorced.
142
00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,744
And if Camille ever left me,
143
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,120
I'd kill myself.
144
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:31,373
And not like how people say,
like, "I'm gonna kill myself."
145
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:33,125
I really would.
146
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,585
Like, I have a plan.
147
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:35,836
Got it.
148
00:05:35,878 --> 00:05:38,297
I would drown myself.
149
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,925
♪♪
150
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:45,929
Aww, folks.
She back on the market.
151
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,973
[ Sighs ]
Not very triumphant.
152
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,309
I am your sister, and I am gonna
give you the real --
153
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:54,146
for single women our age,
it's not very triumphant.
154
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:57,608
Still, I figure
there must be someone out there
155
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,068
[whispers] who wants to
have sex with me.
156
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,694
Not necessarily.
157
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:02,488
You two
are terrible role models.
158
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,241
And I need you to understand,
Martin is in very good shape.
159
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:09,411
Okay, what Martin does
on his weeks off is up to him.
160
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:11,872
Frankly, I'm more interested
in how he juggles all this
161
00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,499
when he's in here.
162
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,376
You know, it's gonna kill him
to miss his morning run.
163
00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,003
Mason: Dad doesn't miss
his morning run.
164
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,338
What?
165
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,631
Dad still takes
his morning run.
166
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,424
Well, who makes breakfast?
We do.
167
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:23,509
Who makes lunch?
168
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,803
We buy it at school.
Or not.
169
00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:28,388
Last week, I skipped lunch
and spent the money on this mug
170
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:31,016
from
the Young Feminist Caucus.
171
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,351
[ Slurps ]
172
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,977
Well, what about
the little one?
173
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:35,646
They don't sell lunch
at his school.
174
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,480
What does he eat?
175
00:06:36,522 --> 00:06:39,858
I usually just order in.
176
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,693
[ Knocks on door ]
177
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:42,861
Martin?
178
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,698
Martin.
179
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,325
Did you turn off
the dehumidifier?
180
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,911
That's correct.
It's so damp.
181
00:06:50,953 --> 00:06:53,288
You could grow mushrooms
in the carpet.
182
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,665
Ah.
Neat idea for a side business.
183
00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:55,874
Well, I doubt you'll prosper.
184
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,251
The centipedes
will eat your crops.
185
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,877
Yeah, I feel like
you've been exaggerating
186
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,337
this whole "centipede" issue,
okay?
187
00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,131
The dehumidifier's been off
since last night,
188
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:05,092
and I haven't seen any.
189
00:07:05,134 --> 00:07:06,635
Did you cut your hair?
190
00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:07,845
Yes.
191
00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:09,513
Oh.
Would you like a referral?
192
00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:11,515
Because you've got a real
Forrest Gump thing going on.
193
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:13,600
Well, thank you.
I take that as a compliment.
194
00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,769
Forrest was a great man.
195
00:07:15,811 --> 00:07:17,855
The fictional character,
Forrest Gump, was a great man?
196
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,523
Look, is there something
that you wanted?
197
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,899
Yes,
I wanted to talk to you
198
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,568
about the food issues
with the kids.
199
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,403
God, what food issues?
200
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,364
Mae is starving herself
to buy feminist earthenware,
201
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,408
and Milo eats takeout
every day.
202
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,493
Lena, look.
I know you take great pride
203
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:33,412
in hand-squashing
every squash, okay,
204
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,705
but I am not a good cook.
205
00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,373
I would rather enjoy my time
with the kids
206
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,417
and not spend it
ruining food.
207
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,669
Do I get a say?
Well...
208
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:42,296
no.
209
00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:45,090
See, your week is your week,
and my week is my week, right?
210
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,550
I don't come asking
for your help,
211
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,177
so don't come around here
asking me for mine.
212
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,137
[ Gasps ]
Too-da-loo!
213
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,684
Lena: So, what,
I'm the bad guy
214
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:57,269
because I want the kids
to eat properly?
215
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,938
Look, Martin
is a total narcissist.
216
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,190
No one would argue that.
217
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,941
I mean,
he's a self-centered child,
218
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,693
but you --
219
00:08:04,735 --> 00:08:06,069
you have control issues,
220
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,821
and I know you haven't
figured it out yet,
221
00:08:07,863 --> 00:08:10,782
but all the fun stuff happens
when you're not in control.
222
00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:14,745
I want fun stuff
to happen.
223
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,163
Of course you do.
224
00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:17,623
Before I got married,
I was tons of fun.
225
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,000
That is not
my recollection.
226
00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,753
I'm serious, Dad.
227
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,713
I am dying on the vine.
228
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,089
I'm emotionally starved,
229
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:28,175
and I can't just focus
on the kids anymore.
230
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,968
I have my own needs.
231
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:32,304
[ Cellphone pings ]
232
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:37,851
♪♪
233
00:08:37,893 --> 00:08:39,853
I have to take this.
234
00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:49,529
♪♪
235
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:59,248
♪♪
236
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,166
Oh, crap.
237
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,503
Arthur: Hey, bro!
238
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,672
Can we take a break?
239
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,340
Break?
240
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:10,467
Oh!
241
00:09:10,509 --> 00:09:13,303
Ooh!
242
00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:15,055
You all right, man?
Not really.
243
00:09:15,097 --> 00:09:17,808
I don't like running.
I'm not a good runner.
[ Chuckles ]
244
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:20,185
I'm only here because
Camille wanted me to
talk to you about Lena.
245
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,854
Well, that's the last thing
I want to talk about.
Hear me out.
246
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,023
You know I married
way out of my league, right?
Yep.
247
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,775
I already told you
if Camille ever left me,
248
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,360
I'm gonna throw
a pool party for one.
249
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,529
But you, you want to blame
everything on Lena,
250
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,864
when, in fact, you didn't dance
with your wife at your wedding.
251
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,200
Wait a minute. I-I didn't
dance with her at our wedding?
252
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,451
That's what you think
our problem was?
253
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,036
Kind of.
That's ridiculous.
254
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,997
Lena knows
that I don't dance.
255
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,790
In fact, we discussed it,
and she said she didn't care.
256
00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:44,042
Yeah, but she did care,
dude.
257
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,211
She thought you were gonna
surprise her, and you didn't.
258
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,463
Now, I'm not saying
you have to get back together,
259
00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:50,716
but maybe start
looking at things from her side.
260
00:09:50,757 --> 00:10:00,559
♪♪
261
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:10,360
♪♪
262
00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:14,406
♪ I don't get ♪
263
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,908
♪ Many things right ♪
264
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,827
♪ The first time ♪
265
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:24,624
♪ In fact,
I am told that a lot ♪
266
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,252
♪♪
267
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,046
Lena: Okay, compadre.
268
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,548
Let's talk about your huevos
and why they might be hurting.
269
00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:34,843
You didn't...fling them around
in some weird way, did you?
270
00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:37,387
Mom...
You didn't...try to...
271
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,848
hang anything from them?
Mom!
272
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:41,183
Well, what about
your underwear?
273
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,393
Too tight?
Too loose.
274
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:45,395
What are they supposed to be?
Tight or loose?
275
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:48,315
I don't know. I'll Google that
and get back to you.
276
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:51,735
In the meantime,
what if we...elevate them?
277
00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:52,986
How?
278
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:55,906
How about heat?
Or ice -- Heat.
279
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:59,117
Okay, no offense, Mom,
but maybe we should consult
280
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,870
somebody who actually
has balls, like Dad.
281
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:04,039
No.
I will handle this, okay?
282
00:11:04,081 --> 00:11:05,540
This is my week.
283
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,293
I'm gonna call your
pediatrician, Dr. Nakashima.
284
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,961
He has balls, too.
285
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:13,965
Okay.
That did not go well.
286
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:17,719
He could just smell
my uncertainty.
287
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:20,180
I think this is
the first parenting issue
288
00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:23,141
that I'm just
completely unprepared for.
289
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,644
Kind of makes you wish you still
had a husband in the picture.
290
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,104
Well, that's easy
for you to say,
291
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,147
because Arthur
worships the ground you walk on.
292
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,816
And I let him.
293
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,944
He's happy
because I let him make me happy,
294
00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:37,114
and he never feels
like a failure.
295
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,698
Maya:
Well, you'll just take that
296
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,867
right into your next
relationship.
297
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:43,995
And are there any developments
on that front
298
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,456
other than all the...
sexting with your child?
299
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:48,041
Okay, I admit it.
300
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,377
I don't want Lena
dating again.
301
00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:51,753
I want her back together
with Martin.
302
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,630
We haven't had sex
in two years.
303
00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:58,009
Two Hebrew years?
304
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,096
Two full calendar years.
305
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:04,015
And it wasn't my choice.
I tried.
306
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,934
Martin stopped wanting to.
307
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:11,064
He just looks through me
like I'm invisible,
308
00:12:11,106 --> 00:12:16,945
and I accept it even though
it's hurtful and upsetting
309
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:20,031
and it doesn't make
any sense.
310
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,576
And I'm sorry,
but I can't live like that.
311
00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:28,206
I need passion and romance
and sex in my life,
312
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,375
and Martin just doesn't.
313
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:34,087
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm looking for Martin.
314
00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:42,471
He's just around the bend,
there.
Thanks.
315
00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,639
Sorry to interrupt
ladies' night.
316
00:12:50,479 --> 00:12:52,397
What...
317
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,776
...the [bleep] was that?
318
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:02,908
I mean, I thought
he just lost his sex drive,
319
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,534
but he lost his sex drive
for me.
320
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,828
[ Sarcastically ]
Yeah, he's crazy.
321
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,705
Excuse me?
322
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:11,333
Why are you wearing a onesie?
We are outside.
323
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,752
We are grocery shopping.
We are outside the house,
324
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,087
and I am fresh to death
right here,
325
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,757
and you look like
a homeless Ghostbuster.
326
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,967
Why would I be
a homeless Ghostbuster?
327
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:25,347
I have a full-time job
busting ghosts.
328
00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,140
And what about you?
329
00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:28,517
What about me?
330
00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:30,936
Are you going to shoot
a "Thriller" video?
331
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,479
Do you have
a diamond glove?
332
00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:35,357
[ Cellphone pings ]
Yeah.
It's in the car.
333
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,944
Oh, it's Mason.
334
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:42,113
I'm gonna take him
to see a specialist.
335
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,407
Dr. Kasper: Thank you for doing
such a thorough job
336
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,826
on Mason's new
patient-information form.
I stapled some extra pages.
337
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,787
No, I see that.
It's very comprehensive.
338
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,081
I wanted you to have
a full picture.
I do.
339
00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:53,333
But the good news is
your son is perfectly healthy.
340
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:54,918
He's just
going through puberty.
341
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:59,381
Ah! Puberty! Mase!
Right on!
342
00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:04,135
I'm gonna go get some Skittles
from the lobby.
343
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,223
Okay, was that bad?
344
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:09,516
Do you think
it scarred him?
345
00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:10,809
Oh, no,
I don't think it scarred him.
346
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,435
No, I don't think
it scarred him.
347
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:14,312
Of course he would go through
puberty on my week,
348
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,480
but that's okay.
349
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,190
It's just...growing pains.
350
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:20,026
So, it's just
growing pains?
351
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,737
The balls are...growing?
352
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,864
Oh, no. Not exactly.
353
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,033
I-I suspect
that Mason's discomfort
354
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:30,287
stems from routine arousal
that doesn't fully culminate.
355
00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:31,997
"Culminate."
356
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,165
I'd like Mason
to try masturbating,
357
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:37,252
and Mom, of course, should do
whatever she can to facilitate.
358
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,004
"Facilitate"?
359
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,463
I just don't want him
to feel shame
360
00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:41,756
about doing
what his body needs.
361
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,842
No.
Him and me, both.
362
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,845
[ Both chuckle ]
Yeah.
363
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:50,098
Let me give you my card,
here.
364
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,350
My cell is on there.
365
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,520
Please don't hesitate to call
if symptoms persist.
366
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:59,190
♪♪
367
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,525
Are you...
368
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,444
sending out vibes?
369
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:03,653
Vibes?
370
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:05,363
Are we vibing?
371
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,033
I mean,
my radar might be broken,
372
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,868
but on the other hand,
you aren't leaving.
373
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,495
Well, you are blocking
the door.
374
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:13,955
Am I?
375
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:19,878
♪♪
376
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:25,800
♪♪
377
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:27,177
[ Knocking ]
378
00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:30,221
Martin: Hi.
Hi.
379
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,307
I wasn't sure
if you were gonna come back.
380
00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:34,351
Well, you did pay me to.
381
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:35,518
Come on in.
382
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,898
[ Slow music plays ]
383
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,360
Great, ready?
384
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:47,113
Yeah.
385
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,615
That's it,
just up a bit.
386
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,950
Oh, right up
in that armpit.
387
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,161
Okay, um,
so just like last time.
388
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:55,121
Back together.
389
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:57,248
♪ I don't get ♪
390
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,876
♪ Many things right ♪
391
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,252
♪ The first time ♪
[ Both chuckle ]
392
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,420
I'm sorry,
I'm really bad.
393
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:04,756
I think
you're doing great.
394
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,841
Thank you.
395
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,302
Now, remember. The most
important rule about dancing...
Mm-hmm.
396
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:11,346
...has nothing to do
with dancing.
Okay.
397
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,848
Never break eye contact.
398
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,309
♪ That I first saw
your lovely face ♪
Okay.
399
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:18,895
We're partners.
We have to stay connected.
400
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,605
♪ Now I see it every day ♪
401
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:24,359
And you're the man, which means
I'm following your lead,
402
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:28,947
and if you don't keep me
in your gaze, I might get lost.
403
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,199
♪♪
404
00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:34,411
Wow.
405
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:39,582
I think you just explained
why marriage failed.
406
00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:44,879
♪ I am the luckiest ♪
407
00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,424
Hey, Mom. Can I get a poster
of Kate Upton for my room?
408
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:50,927
No. We don't objectify women
in this house, right, Mom?
409
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:55,140
Okay, um, I think, Mase,
what your sister is saying --
410
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:59,185
and this is a great conversation
to have, really, about women
411
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:01,396
with women regarding women --
412
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:03,565
and that they have
more important attributes
413
00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:05,483
than what they look like
in a bikini.
414
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:06,860
Totally.
415
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,486
It says here that
she designed some, like,
416
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,572
limited-edition beanies
to raise money for cancer.
417
00:17:10,613 --> 00:17:12,157
Well, that was
very nice of her.
418
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:15,326
Well, I think that raising money
for cancer is sexy.
419
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,412
No one cares
what you think is "sexy."
420
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:20,665
No one cares what you think
period.
421
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,208
So, can I get the poster?
422
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,210
Yes.
423
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:25,879
You may not.
424
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,213
It's up to her now?
425
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,674
God, Mom!
426
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:32,135
[ Whispering ]
We'll talk about it later.
427
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,262
He's not getting it.
428
00:17:40,769 --> 00:17:43,521
Hey, kids. Dad week!
429
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,023
Lena?
430
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:45,857
Lena: In here.
431
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:51,946
♪♪
432
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:58,077
♪♪
433
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,370
What's all this?
434
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,830
Okay.
435
00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:03,333
Mason was having
some discomfort.
Yeah.
436
00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:05,001
I took him
to a specialist,
437
00:18:05,043 --> 00:18:07,378
and apparently
he needs to...
438
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,963
tickle the ivories.
439
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,757
Play piano?
440
00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:12,425
He needs to shake hands
with your uncle.
441
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:15,053
My uncle? Jim?
W-What are you talking about?
442
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,263
The doctor said
he needs to masturbate.
443
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:18,765
Seriously?
444
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:21,059
Lena, why wouldn't you
talk to me about this?
445
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,560
I'm -- I'm his father.
I'm a man.
You just told me
not to ask for your help.
446
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,145
Well, you said
you didn't need my help.
447
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:26,439
Well, maybe I was wrong.
448
00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:28,566
♪♪
449
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:32,737
So, this is supposed to be
Mason's masturbation nook?
450
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:36,241
I like to think of it
as more of a lair.
Mm.
451
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,700
This is really creepy.
452
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:39,160
I know.
453
00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,912
I just -- I thought
it would be weird for him
454
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,580
to do it in the room
he shares with Milo.
455
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,123
Nothing is weirder
456
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:47,001
than doing it in a pantry
that your mom decorated.
457
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:50,171
Oh, is that
Ruth Bader Ginsberg?
458
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,928
Yeah.
Yeah, I really don't think
she'd appreciate this.
459
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,388
I know. I was just --
460
00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:01,099
I was trying to think of,
like, worthy, capable --
461
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,433
Okay, I got one.
462
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,310
She comes from
a matriarchal society.
463
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,771
She wears a bikini,
but she kicks ass in it,
464
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,983
and her bracelet game
is very strong.
465
00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:11,317
Wonder Woman?
Wonder Woman.
466
00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,361
Yes! Great idea, Martin.
467
00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:15,029
Oh, see?
468
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,365
I knew I had a contribution
to make to this family.
469
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,909
Yeah.
470
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:22,412
I'm sorry
if I made you feel like that.
471
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:23,746
Bad wife.
Oh, no. Come on.
472
00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:27,542
No. Good mom, bad wife.
I was.
473
00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:32,046
Well...
I broke eye contact.
474
00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,965
I was a bad partner.
475
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,426
Well, at least
you're in great shape.
476
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:40,263
I am in great shape.
[ Chuckles ]
477
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:43,766
[ Cellphone pings ]
478
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:48,438
♪♪
479
00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,273
Sorry.
480
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:51,774
Guess it's my turn to run.
481
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:55,570
Okay.
Well, good night, then.
482
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:57,739
Good night.
483
00:19:57,780 --> 00:20:07,040
♪♪
484
00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:16,341
♪♪
485
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:25,642
♪♪
486
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:27,185
[ Cellphone pings ]
487
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:31,856
♪♪
488
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:36,194
♪ Here we are inside a novel
waiting for an end ♪
489
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:39,197
Get it, boy. Get it!
Hey, what's up?
490
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,199
Hey, little man,
I don't know if I can do that.
491
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,241
I-I'm just a beginner.
492
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:43,868
Come on, Dad.
Just try.
493
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,286
Oh, you mean like this?
A little old-school style?
494
00:20:45,328 --> 00:20:46,746
Mnh-mnh.
You mean like this?
Huh?
495
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:49,248
See, I told you!
I told you I can't do it!
496
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,875
I told you!
497
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,044
Look, Dad. If you want to
impress the ladies...
Yeah?
498
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,629
...you're gonna have to try
a lot harder.
499
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:55,922
Oh, really?
500
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,424
You know the ladies
don't like me!
501
00:20:58,466 --> 00:21:00,885
You know the ladies
don't like me!
502
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:03,346
♪ There's a twilight ♪
503
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:07,433
♪ A nighttime and a dawn ♪
504
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:13,439
♪ Who knows how long ♪
505
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:16,651
♪ Just hang on ♪
506
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:19,988
♪ Hang on ♪
507
00:21:20,029 --> 00:21:23,324
♪ Hang on ♪
36714
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