All language subtitles for 1_Family.Guy.S22E12.720p.WEB.h264-EDITH

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

[sighs] Son of a bitch.

What's wrong, Peter?

Eh, our I.T. guy told me today
that, apparently,

I've had a work e-mail address
ever since I started there.

So now I got to slog
through 17,000 messages.

Aw, crap, we didn't have
to come in on 9/11?

I never even liked working
at that stupid brewery.

Hardly my dream job,
I'll tell you that much.

Now, there's
an interesting question.

What would be your dream job?

Dream job? Oh, that's easy.

Ever since I was a kid,

I always pictured myself
being an international spy.

♪ ♪

So, beautiful,
which lamp did you unplug

to charge your phone
in the room?

Mine's in the bathroom.

Mm, you know,
I never caught your name.

The name is Band. Lap Band.

-[rapid gunfire]
-[screams]

Careful. Here come the bad guys
from whatever country

won't offend American
or Chinese audiences.

-[gunfire]
-[grunts]

You have dishonored the people
of Finland, Mr. Band.

Shoot him,
fellow tall introverts.

["Bond 77" by Marvin Hamlisch
playing]

Yep. All definitely me.

Whoosh. Zoom.

Ski noise.

[to tune of Pilot's "Magic"]
♪ Oh, oh, Ozempic... ♪

They threw a ton of money at us.

We couldn't say no.

[dramatic, jazzy theme playing]

[Peter chuckling]
All right.

Hey, I wonder who they got
to do the song.

Blech.

♪ When you're a spy ♪

♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪

♪ You look high and low ♪

♪ You never know
what you'll find ♪

♪ Spy life. ♪

[Peter sighs]
Mercifully brief.

Good morning, Agent 5-5-5.

Ugh, right. 'Cause this is
a number on a television show.

I say, you look as bewitching
as ever, Miss Takeapenny.

Oh, didn't you hear?
I got married.

I'm now
Ms. Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.

Wow, lucky gentleman.

Because he gets to plow you,
is what I mean.

So debonair.

You know, now that I'm married,
I'm actually leaving.

I'm training
my replacement, Todd.

A male secretary?

[sighs] Well, I suppose
I'll just have to adapt

and harass him now.

Nice penis, Todd.

Oh, Mr. Band.

Okay, good,
he knows how to play along.

Yeah, this is-- this'll work.

I understand you have
a mission for me, M,

which I can only assume
stands for "man."

Good morning, Mr. Band.

Whoa. My boss is
the new Little Mermaid

I'm so mad about.

Mr. Band, we have
reports of a plan

to intercept a European
nuclear device

by the villainous
mastermind, Blofella.

Got it, M.

Or-or is it maybe MHM
and you pronounce it "mm-hmm"?

M is fine.

Okay, yeah, I--
times have changed

and I-I got to--
I need to catch up.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, Q.
Hey, have you seen who M is?

Which I totally support,
by the way.

In fact, it was my idea
and I fought for it.

You should've heard me.

Okay, just let me show you
the cutting-edge equipment

you'll need for your mission.

First, I have this fridge
that displays today's headlines.

Did-- did you just go
to Best Buy?

No. I also have these headphones

that block out
ambient plane noise.

Yeah, you-you just went
to Best Buy.

-I did not!
-So, where am I headed?

We're expecting Blofella

to attempt to intercept
the bomb in Belgium.

Oh, awesome.

That's the country where
they basically have

dessert for breakfast, right?

Agent triple-five,
I cannot stress enough--

no dessert for breakfast.

♪ ♪

Greetings, Mr. Band,

on behalf of Belgian
Secret Services.

Oh, hey.
I-I'd shake your hand,

but my arm is syrup-glued
to the table.

The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.

[giggles]
That works in two ways.

No, it's-it's really just one.

♪ ♪

Our intelligence has revealed
that the bomb transfer is

to take place in this warehouse
for generic wooden crates.

♪ ♪

-[helicopter whirring loudly]
-[speaking indistinctly]

What? It's very loud.

[shouting indistinctly]

We're getting none of this.

If we can't hear him,

he can't hear us saying
we can't hear him.

What a mess!

Gavin. Gavin.

Turn off--
turn the helicopter off.

I-I was going to say, "Sorry
to drop in on your party,"

but, uh, feels stupid now.

Get 'em, boys.

So that's it, Blofella?

You're just gonna have us
killed by your henchmen?

Oh, okay, I'd rather you
not use that word.

They are independent
contractors.

He doesn't want
to pay us benefits.

There is an app they log into
when they want to work,

around their schedule.

I am not their employer.
The app is their employer.

Goodbye, Mr. Band.

[laughing maniacally]

[grunting]

[groans]

[Peter]
It wasn't looking good.

But thankfully,
Q had supplied me with...

Captain America's shield.

[Quagmire]
What? No, no, no.

You can't just become

a Marvel character
halfway through.

[Joe]
Also, we usually see
all the stuff

Q gives you at the beginning.

This feels very unearned.

[Peter]
Belgian intelligence learned
that Blofella's plan was

to use the nuclear device
he'd intercepted

to blow up the city
of Las Vegas.

But that wasn't the only
emergency I was dealing with.

Yeah, you said everyone
in Vegas wears tuxedos,

and I'm starting to feel
pretty self-conscious.

Uh, I didn't say "definitely."

I said,
"It was my understanding."

[gasps]
Agent triple-five, look.

[cheering]

[gasps]
Blofella. Not on my watch.

-[grunts]
-[screams]

[slot machine chiming]

[exhausted panting]

I can't find my way out.

Okay, well, that says
"breakfast buffet" that way,

but I'm pretty sure
we've seen it twice.

♪ ♪

Here we are again
at North Suite Elevators.

I don't know, should we--
should we just

hit the slot machines
while we're here?

No. That's why they do this.

No, no, yeah, no,
I get all that,

and I hate
to hold things up, but...

I mean, Santana's in his 70s.

We should probably see him
while we still can.

Eh.

[guitar solo playing]

[Peter]
I knew one song.

[guitar solo ends]

Son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

There we are. Assembly complete.

So, again, this would be
an appropriate time

for you all to please
log out of the app.

-[Band] Ha! I got you now.
-[gasps]

Mr. Band.
How did you find me?

Honestly, I'm on a guided tour
for the movie The Hangover,

which ends on the roof.

Fun fact, gang--
it was actually Zach's idea

to put the sunglasses
on the baby.

Okay, I see everyone staring
at the Mandalay Bay,

so I'll go ahead and tell you
which window was the shooter's.

Well, you're too late.

In a few moments,
all of Las Vegas will be

totally wiped off the map.

[grunting]

You're a madman.
Why are you doing this?

I need to get out of a very
restrictive time-share deal,

and this is literally
the only way out.

♪ ♪

[Peter]
There was no time.

So that's when I pulled out
Kylo Ren's lightsaber

and knocked Blofella
off the roof.

[screams]

[Quagmire]
No, no, no, no. That's cheating.

[Joe]
Also, you got a lightsaber,

and you're just gonna
push a guy?

[thud]

Oh, triple-five,
you saved my life.

Make love to me right now.

I'm sorry, Alice, I can't.
I'm gay.

New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.

♪ ♪

Wow, that was awesome hearing
about your dream job, Peter.

But I was actually lucky enough
to have my dream job.

At least until I lost it.

It all started years ago.

It was the 1980s,
and I was living alone

in a studio apartment
with an askew poster

because bachelors never hang
their posters straight.

[Peter]
Yeah, no offense, Quagmire,

but I'm gonna listen
to this story

the same way I do
most podcasts--

at 1.5 speed.

[Quagmire, sped up]
I'd put on some weight

from being in an abusive
relationship with a woman--

-Mama Celeste.
-Abbondanza.

[Peter]
All right, okay.
Ba-Back to normal speed.

I-I'm in. I'm hooked.

[Quagmire]
The other thing about
living in the '80s is that,

wherever you went,
the actual Pointer Sisters

would follow you around,
singing.

[tune of "Jump (for My Love)"]
♪ Glenn ♪

♪ You know this man
just mailed a bill ♪

♪ To Sprint ♪

♪ It's for his phone ♪

♪ A landline phone. ♪

[Quagmire]
I knew I needed
to get in shape,

but the only forms of exercise
in the '80s were

roller-skating on a dance floor

or lugging around your dead boss
to use his vacation home.

Back then, there were
two things I liked:

gyrating my pelvis

and putting vowels
next to each other

that weren't normally
next to each other.

I combined those two loves

to create something called
"aerobics."

Welcome aboard.

Here's your
complimentary headband,

two wristbands, waistband,
thigh band, another headband.

There were a lot of bands.

[Peter]
Yeah, my finger's hovering
over that 1.5 button.

[Quagmire]
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

So I started teaching classes
that same week.

I even created an advanced class

based on how your body moves
during sex.

I called it "Sexercise."

♪ ♪

And things took off immediately

because I gave 1980s women
exactly what they wanted:

long, flat butts.

Come on, ladies.
Longer! Flatter!

My workout program was a hit,

and soon I was ready
to take it national.

I was lucky enough
to get the chance to announce

the filming of my video on
The Tonight Show with Johnny.

[Joe]
Wow! You met Johnny Carson?

[Quagmire]
Actually, that particular night
there was a guest host,

John Davidson,
star of That's Incredible!

So, you know, different Johnny
but still Johnny.

[Peter]
No one has ever called
John Davidson "Johnny."

[Quagmire]
He guest-hosted 87 times.
That's not nothing.

Anyway, the night's first guest
was Jane Fonda,

who was promoting 9 to 5,

by far the blousiest movie
of the 1980s.

So, Glenn Quagmire.

It says here you created

an exercise craze
called "aerobics."

-What inspired that?
-Well, John... ny,

one day as I did jumping jacks
alone in my apartment,

I thought, "How can I take
the worst parts of this

"and put it in a public setting?

Plus a wall of mirrors
and street-facing windows."

The interview seemed
to go great.

But the next day,

I realized how truly ruthless
Jane Fonda was.

♪ ♪

Now, Mr. Quagmire, an important
part of releasing a 1980s video

is the incredibly depressing
production logo it opens with.

I have a few here
to choose from.

First is some vibrating
rainbow text

that never quite comes
into focus.

[ominous synth music playing]

Uh-huh, love that.

This one is just a large
bouncing "V"

with an ominous keyboard noise.

[ominous synth music playing]

Also excellent.

Or here's three capital letters

all spelled with one thick,
continuous line

atop a digital horizon.

[ominous synth music playing]

Wow, you can't miss.
Let's go with all three.

Wait a minute.
What's-what's going on?

Where are my leg warmers?

Back then,
leg warmers were essential

because that was, by far,

the coldest decade
from the knee down.

Did someone take my leg warmers?

In place of my leg warmers,
I found only a single note.

At first, I assumed

Jodie Foster had stolen
my leg warmers,

and I was about to go
take it out on the president.

But then I realized it could
only have been one person intent

on sabotaging me-- Jane Fonda.

I tried my best to soldier on.

Okay, don't look at my legs.

And one, and two...
My calves are tiny and cold.

And three, and four...

But I knew, even in the moment,

it was gonna be a disaster.

[gasping]

I never stood a chance.

♪ ♪

[Jane Fonda]
Hello, Glenn.

Sorry you failed, but...
[chuckles] like they say,

all's fair in love and aerobics.

Who? Who says that? Nobody.

God, now I get why everyone's
racist uncle hates you.

Well, it's been nice chatting,
but if you'll excuse me,

I have to go lobby our nation

about cleaning up the mess
we made in Vietnam.

-[audio speeds up]
-[Peter] Sorry, I went ahead
and hit the eight-X.

[Quagmire]
No, you-you-you did the,
you did the right thing, Peter.

[ominous synth music playing]

♪ ♪

Well, as far as dream jobs go,

mine's always been to do
what you do, Joe, to be a cop.

But, you know, one day
short of retirement,

since y'all got
such a nice benefits package.

Huh. Well, my dream job is to
do pretty much what I do now

but be, like,
a loose cannon type cop

who doesn't care
whether he lives or dies

but can definitely walk.

♪ ♪

[Cleveland]
It was my last day on the job,

and I'd just taken
my last office dump

when I was called
into the chief's office.

Morning, sir.
You wanted to see me?

That's right.
We've been tracking

a notorious drug cartel

that's been bringing
tons of cocaine into L.A.

Yes, cocaine has been ravaging
the Black community for years.

Yeah, well, some white girl
got a minor nosebleed,

so now I guess it's, like,
a big frickin' deal.

In fact, last night,
there was a huge bust.

Wow, how much was it?

And remember,
we measure cocaine--

and nothing else--
in only kilos.

-I don't know, 80 pounds?
-Huh?

Like, 36 kilos.

Oh, my God!
That's too much kilos!

Oh, I'm also assigning you
a new partner.

But don't worry, I know
you're nearing retirement

and want a stable situation,

so I'm hooking you up with a guy
named Sergeant Maniac.

How you doing?
I'm a crazy wild card

as indicated by my
only right now timely mullet.

Hmm. You ain't dressed
like a police detective.

Well, I know we're gonna be
running around chasing bad guys,

so I wore
the tightest jeans I own.

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Hey, why don't you come on out
to my beachside trailer

to, uh, discuss the case?

Sure. Where is it?

Eh, not in Malibu--
they wouldn't allow it--

but one of those garbage beaches
further north,

way past Moonshadows, which is,
like, the perfect place

to get drunk and tell everybody
who's responsible

for all the world's wars.

♪ ♪

[Cleveland]
I soon realized my new partner
had serious issues.

He didn't care what kind
of dangerous stuff he did.

-[phone rings]
-Hello?

You're calling from
"credit card services"?

Great, I'll tell you
my Social Security number,

and you tell me if it matches
what you have there.

Man is insane.

Okay, and, uh, don't laugh
at my mother's maiden name.

It's kind of a goofy one.

Tinkleman. [laughing] Yeah.
It's like... like pee.

I thought we were gonna
discuss the case.

Right. I'll be ready
in one minute, but first,

I've been asked to make sure
women come see the movie, too.

♪ ♪

[Cleveland]
So my crazy partner and I
set out to solve the case

and began by looking for Leeds,

which was a somewhat popular
mattress store,

where if you said you were
a potential customer,

they'd let you take a nap
in the middle of the day.

-[snoring]
-Sorry, guys.

My manager says
you have to leave.

Leave? But my partner and I
are trying out this queen bed.

-[giggles]
-What are you giggling at?

We're partners
on the police force.

This guy's wearing jeans
with no underwear.

Yeah, you're cops. Sure.

♪ ♪

You guys are no closer
to figuring out

who's responsible for
bringing in all this cocaine.

I got a pretty good idea.

Have you checked Temple
Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?

It's also where they control
the weather and the Oscars.

That's it.
You guys are off the case.

♪ ♪

[Cleveland]
Since we'd been thrown off
the case,

I thought it'd be nice
to invite my partner over

-for a home-cooked meal.
-Huh.

You don't have a pitcher
of iced tea?

I thought
every Black family dinner

had a pitcher of iced tea.

We do have a picture of Ice-T,

right up there on the wall.

[dispatcher]
Attention, all units, be advised

of a possible drug deal
at the dock.

That's not far from here.

No way.
We were taken off that case.

Yeah, but we can be there before
even the closest patrol car.

♪ ♪

There, look.
Quick, pull over and let me out.

-What?
-I'm gonna run
the rest of the way.

I assure you the car
will be faster.

See you there.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

[panting, grunting]

Been waiting here
for six minutes.

Okay, okay, okay,
so, six-minute mile.

Not bad for jeans
and no underpants.

You got any glovebox Vaseline
in there?

It's the chief. What the hell?

[yells]

The chief has been
the mastermind

of the cocaine cartel all along.

That might explain why
he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.

with screenplay ideas.

[phone ringing]

[grunts] Hello?

[Carter]
Okay, hear me out.

It's Die Hard,
but in a building.

Die Hard is in a building.

Hmm, I don't know.
Here, listen to me watch it,

and we'll find out.

[20th Century Fox fanfare
playing over phone]

[both grunt]

Give it up.
You guys can't arrest me anyway.

I have diplomatic immunity.

-You do?
-On what basis?

Yeah, I'm a citizen
of Margaritaville.

I even have this hat from
a recent vacation to prove it.

[growls] Too bad.

Your diplomatic immunity's
just been revoked.

[groans]

The officer's actions,
while illegal,

were justified by a snappy line.
Movie over.

[ominous synth music playing]

[Quagmire]
I was also a producer
on this project.