All language subtitles for The.Conners.S06E01

Oh, smart.

Show them where they're headed
before they start eating.

Jackie didn't order napkins,

so we're stuck
using toilet paper.

- OK, I'm just in and out.
- Pretend I'm not here.

Oh, that'll be
easy. You never are.

Jackie, we're running
out of everything,

and the vendors won't take
orders from anybody but you.

You got to call them now.

I don't have time.

I'll just write
myself a reminder.

Order food. Oh!

I can't... oh!

I don't have time for this.

Jackie, you promised
to show me how to...

Not now, Becky!

Neville and I have a hot date
to gamble at that casino that

looks like a
riverboat, and this 50

is going straight onto 22 black.

You know, she better
step it up around here

or this place is going under.

I know.

I might have to reach
out to one of those

restaurant rescue shows.

I just have to think
of a way to show them

how much trouble we're in.

Maybe you could
send them a picture

of that guy carrying a napkin
dispenser to the bathroom.

That ought to do it.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Can I store some leftover
pasta from the cafeteria

in the garage fridge?

It's full of beers right now.

But if I have to,
I'll drink half a case

to make room for you

because that's what a
father's love looks like.

"Find it yourself.

"I just work here.

How the big box hardware
stores destroy lives."

You're writing a one
man show about hardware?

'Cause you might finally
get straight white guys

into a theater.

My old buddy just
became a big shot

in the carpenters union.

I'm gonna go to
Chicago and show him

this article, hoping he'll
throw some business my way.

Hey! Hey, why don't
you come with me?

We haven't taken a
road trip in forever.

You could call in sick
like we used to do

when you were in school.

Hmm, let's see.

You take me out of
school for no reason,

and now I'm a cafeteria worker.

I think we can
connect those dots.

All right, we're doing it!

Big news.

Remember how I reached out to
those restaurant rescue shows?

Adam Chestnut said yes,
and "Restaurant 9-1-1"

is coming to the Lunch Box!

Oh, my God.

How did you get a four
star chef to come out?

What did you tell him?

I sent him an email
and I told him

we're broke, begged
him for help,

and I attached this
picture of my daughter

saying she needed a future.

Oh, is that from when
Beverly Rose played

- a dirty urchin in "Annie"?
- Yeah.

Sometimes I use it at the
grocery store to get free ham.

Can you send me a copy of that?

I won't hit the
same stores as you.

When Adam Chestnut gets here,
I'm having him sign his book,

"Push Your Kitchen in the
Mud and Make You Cry."

"To my fellow chef, Ben."

He's here to remake
the Lunch Box,

not have you hurl your panties
and a hotel key at him.

If I could afford
a hotel, I would.

OK Becky, hold down the fort.

Neville's got 45 minutes
before he has to do

a bowel resection on a horse.

I'm gonna surprise him
with a picnic lunch.

Oh, wow.

That guy looks just
like Adam Chestnut.

That's because it
is Adam Chestnut.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I love "Restaurant 9-1-1."

The way he goes off on those
clueless restaurant owners,

and they don't see it
coming. What's he doing here?

I think he's here
to do something

you don't see coming.

- Jackie Harris?
- You know my name?

Just before you get too
busy, Chef Chestnut,

could you sign this, please?

Name's Ben.

Always nice to meet a fan.

I would have
preferred Ben instead

of the interrupting wolf face,

but, hey, best wishes
are best wishes.

Oh, and you must be Becky.

You're much cleaner
than I pictured.

After seeing your child,
I wasn't expecting that.

Thank you.

Here's the deal.

I'm here because your
niece is convinced

that your restaurant
is in real trouble

and needs to be rescued.

Becky's right. I
feel the same way.

Well, OK.

First off, I'm a huge fan,

but this is not a
9-1-1 situation.

Business has just
been a little slow.

Becky is a bit of an alarmist.

Is she?

She has a filthy
daughter with no future.

The "Annie" picture?

20 hams and counting.

Look, you just said yourself
that things are slow,

and every restaurant he
rescues doubles their business.

And everybody knows that picnics

are always better
after bowel surgery,

so OK, I'm in. Where
are the cameras?

The cameras are coming later.

Your first question should
be, "Where's a comb?"

Oh, all right. Well, here we go.

I've been Chestnutted.

Well, technically now,
the interrupting wolf face

was Chestnutted first.

Do you think you should
hold off on the mean guy act

until we shoot? I know
the whole routine.

You insult me, I get all hurt,

and then I see the
error of my ways,

and then you show me something
neat to do with an avocado.

Very good. Show
me your hurt face.

My... bah!

Perfect.

Hang on to that
for just a moment.

Jackie, this is the
most disorganized

mishmash of a bar truck
stop diner I have ever seen.

For God's sake, woman,
there's toilet paper

- in the napkin holder!
- Yes. Yes.

It's a disaster. Look
everybody, we're doing it.

If you think this is funny,
you are missing the point.

I am here because your
niece sent me your books.

And when I say books,
I mean the paper towels

and to go cups you keep
your financial records on.

Your business plan isn't sound.

- Do you serve dinner here?
- Yes, we do.

Then why in the hell do
you call it the Lunch Box?

Why not just call it the don't
come here for dinner box?

You're very good at this.

If I was more sensitive,
this would be really,

um, affecting me right now.

It should affect you.

You are running
the family business

into the ground.

I'd say you're about a month
away from losing this place.

OK, I get it. OK.

I don't want to
lose the restaurant.

I... I haven't been smart.

- Please rescue my restaurant.
- Yes!

That's what I was
waiting to hear.

Do you like how I did that?

Because once you get
the cameras in here,

I could jab a knife into my hip,

and I'd cry real tears.

OK, your turn.

Kiss, marry, kill,

Loretta, Patsy, or Dolly?

That's easy.

I'd be so busy
kissing Miss Dolly,

there wouldn't be time
to marry or kill anybody.

- Darlene Healy?
- Amanda?

- Oh, my God, it's been years.
- Oh, my God!

Dad, this is Amanda.

She worked with me
at the ad agency

when I lived in the city.

We were junior
copywriters together.

I'd shake your hand,
but mine's busy.

So yeah, you must be a
senior copywriter by now.

No, I left the agency.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was it because of
that guy Kevin?

He was a real weirdo.

I'm actually married to him now.

Oh. Congratulations.

Yeah, he was great.

So what are you up to now?

Well, I just finished
my fourth novel.

Hey, I just finished my second!

They're kind of hard to
get through sometimes,

aren't they?

Took me two years.

No, I wrote my fourth novel.

Wow. So you're self-publishing?

I know it's so tough to
get a book sold these days,

but good for you for making
your own dreams come true.

It's Simon and Schuster.

That's a cool title.

What is it, like
a buddy cop thing?

Simon won't play by the
rules, and Schuster's

too old for this crap.

Simon and Schuster
are publishers, Dad.

Well, unless one of
them's a superhero,

good luck selling
that as a movie.

So how are you doing?

We were all shocked when
the company fired you.

Yeah, fired is a strong word.

I'd like to think
of it as my choice.

They stopped paying me,
so I stopped going in.

Well, come on. Tell me.

I know you landed on your feet.

More like on my butt. Yeah.

I moved back home,
kind of hit bottom,

and then it turned out there was

a bottom below that bottom.

And now, I'm a lunch lady
at a school cafeteria.

I hope there isn't
another bottom,

but if there is, I'll find it.

Well...

You forgot the part
about running a magazine.

No, I didn't.

It's really not
worth mentioning.

Sure it is.

That's worth bragging on.

Well, what kind of
stuff were you doing?

If I know you, it was
long-form political pieces.

No, scandal rag.

Mug shots and police
records available at all

your finer gas stations
and check cashing joints.

Well, predator alerts
are important, too.

Anyway, keep doing you,

and I'll tell Kevin
that you said hello.

I'm so happy that
I ran into you.

Really?

Then how come you're kind of
backing up while you say it?

Oh, no, no, I just...
I'm in a hurry.

- It's good to meet you.
- Buddy cops. Think about it.

Simon's a loose cannon

and Schuster drinks too much

because he couldn't
solve that one crime.

That didn't upset you, did it?

Amanda? No.

Good.

Let me get a dog,
and we'll dish.

He's been in there
for 45 minutes.

Should I be worried?

Not if it's spotless.

Chef is a freak
about cleanliness.

Louise, is it spotless?

- Well, how would I know?
- I cook.

My man cleans.

Oh, she's very kind

to me, me misses is.

Becky, is the kitchen clean?

You know, could you
eat off the floor?

Well I have, but that's
just because I drop stuff,

and I figure it can't be
worse than eating a donut

while you change a diaper.

Could I see you all in
the kitchen, please?

You, are you family?

I've never seen

these people before in me life.

No, I'm just one
of those customers

that likes to hang out behind
the counter 'cause I'm rude.

All right, do you want
the good news first

- or the bad news?
- The good news.

There is none.

These are your ingredients.

Your customers deserve better
than canned and frozen.

I've been eating here
since I was in high school,

and they used to make
everything from scratch.

I don't know why they stopped.

If I take time to
go to the store

every other day
for fresh produce,

then I'll never
get to see Neville.

There's a farmer's
market around the corner

open two days a week.

You can go there and
get everything you need.

Oh, you beat me to the point.

But at least someone
here knows that.

I was going to say
that, too, Adam.

Remind me to get you out
of my ass before I sit.

Does anyone know what this is?

This is a geological record

of everything
you've been serving

for the past five years.

Do you have any pride
in this business?

Of course, I do.

I have work my ass off to
make this place a success.

I believe that.

I'm pretty sure I found bits
of your ass in the sink traps.

You know, I used to
think you were funny,

but now, I see
you're just a bully.

You think this is easy?

You try running a restaurant.

I have 35 of them.

Well, sounds to
me like somebody's

still trying to get it right.

Oh, hey. I'm glad
I ran into you.

I Was going to reach out
and see if you wanted

- to have some dinner.
- Pass.

I just came over to
pick up my leftovers.

- See you when I see you.
- Are you OK?

I haven't spoken to you since
we got back from Chicago.

Are you upset because of
that Simon and Schuster lady?

No, I'm not upset
because of Amanda.

I'm upset because of you.

Because I ate the bun
off your vegan dog?

I don't always eat like that.

I was just excited
to be in the city.

No, the way you felt the
need to talk me up to her.

Of course, I talked
you up to her.

Parents don't tell their kids
how proud they are of them.

They tell everybody else.

That's why therapists
have such big houses.

There's more to it than
that, and you know it.

Wait, am I actually
getting hammered

for saying something
nice about you?

No, you only said
those nice things

because you're ashamed of me.

Oh, crap.

Now I got to go outside,
and it's freezing.

There's a bag of
salt on the porch.

Why don't you open
it and use it?

Then I won't have
it for next year.

Why the hell would you
think I'm ashamed of you?

Well, why wouldn't you be?

I mean, come on Dad, admit it.

When Becky quit school, and
ran off and got married,

I know that you and mom
pinned your hopes on me.

I was gonna go to a
four-year college,

and I was gonna be a success,

and I was gonna pull
the family up with me.

Whoa, whoa, we didn't
put that on you.

- You put that on yourself.
- Oh, did I?

Because I was totally fine
being completely honest

with Amanda about my failures,

and then you had to jump
in and try to make me

look better because
you're embarrassed of it.

I'm not beating myself up

because somebody's
better than me.

I jumped in to save
you because I saw you

going three rounds with yourself

in front of Amanda.

You're way better than
you think you are.

I don't know why
you can't see that.

Because I'm not better.

Amanda's way better than I am,
and I'm totally fine with that.

The only one that is
ashamed of you is you.

You put everything on hold

to put your son through college.

I wouldn't have this house
if it wasn't for you.

You took your sister and
her filthy urchin kid in

so she could make
something of herself.

That's a success to me.

I don't know why
it isn't to you.

Well, damn, Dad.

You could have mentioned
all that to Amanda

instead of bringing up
the sleazy mug shot mag.

It's the last thing
I'm gonna say.

You're 46 years old, and
you think your life's done.

Well, in a couple
of short years,

Mark's gonna be out of school.

Then you can ditch the ladle

and get back on track to do
whatever wonderful things

you want to do.

Game's not over.

You know I'm right.

Don't gloat.

You may have believed in me,

but I'm still perfectly
capable of disappointing you

for real. Don't push me.

All right, the
kitchen is spotless.

Well, thank you, but you did
that for you, not for me.

Now, I've narrowed
your menu down

to items that
reflect the identity

I think you're going for
with this restaurant.

A local joint where a guy
can knock back a few beers,

go home, kick off his
shoes, and ignore the wife?

Please keep your sad
dreams off my TV show.

No, I would call this
a place where you serve

delicious local food and
drink in a comfortable setting

where you can relax and wonder
where it all went wrong.

Wow. This is delicious.

Yes, it is.

Because I dropped your
canned goods at a food bank

with low standards,
and this is all

fresh from your local
farmer's market,

courtesy of this
young lady right here.

How is she not part
of the operation?

I think she's still hoping to
make something of her life.

It's delicious.
Everything's wonderful.

It's just, uh, too much work.

It's supposed to
be a lot of work.

And, yes, that's what it
tastes like when you care.

Care? I just want
to have a life.

When you own a restaurant,
that becomes your life.

Yeah, sure, if you've already
had a life to begin with.

I used mine trying
to prove to my mother

that I could be
successful at something.

So I went down a lot
of different roads,

and I wound up
driving a big rig,

and that led to pills,
and then an incident

on I-55 where I
was running around

gathering up chickens, and

yeah.

And then I thought,
"Well, maybe"

"if I could make
this place a success,

that would really do it."

But when I found
Neville, I just realized

that I didn't need
approval. I needed love.

And now, I never
want us to be apart.

That is so beautiful, Jackie.

You're going to edit that way
down for the actual show, huh?

Look, you know that you
have a choice to make here

this restaurant, or
this Neville woman.

Neville's my brother,
but he is very soft.

Look, I was willing
to pay any price

for a successful restaurant.

Two wives divorced me,
and I just bought a truck

for my son who I've never met.

I don't feel that kind
of passionate obsession

coming off of you.

I mean, there's
some desperation,

a whiff of crazy,
but no passion.

You're right because I
don't want to do it anymore.

Don't look at me.

I've got school and a kid
living a hard knock life.

I wasn't.

I was looking at her.

- The one who's clearly adopted.
- Me?

Yeah.

You said you've been around
here since high school.

You've got great ideas,

and you clearly have nothing
else going on in your life,

because you've been sketching
that ketchup bottle all day.

Oh, I guess I knew some day

I'd have to turn it
over to somebody.

But I'm really loving
the idea of giving it

to one of the women
in the family.

Harris, what do you think?

I can't see the tattoo
thing turning into

a long-term career, so yeah.

I can try it.

Plus, it'd be fun to boss
these bitches around.

- Hey!
- Settle down, sketchy.

Harris, this could be a real
turning point in your life.

This restaurant has been
nothing but an albatross

around the neck of every
Conner who's ever worked here,

but maybe you can
do what nobody else

in the family could

break even, and sell it
to some unsuspecting rube.

Chestnut.

Come on, Schuster.
We screwed up.

We should have handled
this case by the book!

By the book?

What are you, Simon,
a librarian or a cop?

You getting all
that down, Darlene?

Yeah, and I have a
couple of questions.

First of all, why
do they keep calling

each other by their names?

They've been partners
for 30 years.

And by my count, Schuster
has shot 43 people

in a half an hour.

It's a bad town
full of bad people.

I think we have to drop
this case, Schuster.

It's too dirty. It goes
all the way to the top.

Oh sure, Simon.

You could drop it,
but then you'll

have to tell little
Jenny there'll be

no justice for her mom,
or her dad, or her sister,

or her uncle!

Because there's no
evidence of a crime.

Oh, there's evidence of a crime.

It's right here. And
it stinks, I tell you.

It stinks!