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1
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:10,068
[romantic jazz music playing]
2
00:00:10,137 --> 00:00:13,172
♪ ♪
3
00:00:13,241 --> 00:00:17,034
- Oh, my God.
Kyle?
4
00:00:17,103 --> 00:00:20,655
Oh, Kyle.
You are good.
5
00:00:20,724 --> 00:00:24,172
♪ ♪
6
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:28,931
Someone is about to get
the wettest, sloppiest
7
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,068
nastiest, little...
8
00:00:31,137 --> 00:00:34,931
Oh! Mary Louise?
What are you doing here?
9
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:38,482
- Chelsea, the first time I saw
you wearing a belly chain
10
00:00:38,551 --> 00:00:40,551
at faculty orientation,
I thought,
11
00:00:40,620 --> 00:00:42,586
that's a girl I need to know.
12
00:00:42,655 --> 00:00:44,172
And as I got to know you better,
13
00:00:44,241 --> 00:00:46,620
I realized you're
the best, most beautiful
14
00:00:46,689 --> 00:00:49,000
exciting person I've ever met.
15
00:00:49,068 --> 00:00:51,034
I've always known I wanted you
16
00:00:51,103 --> 00:00:53,310
standing right across from me.
17
00:00:53,379 --> 00:00:57,172
I mean, next to me
on my wedding day.
18
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,413
Chelsea Trixie Dynasty Snap,
19
00:01:00,482 --> 00:01:02,344
will you be my maid of honor
20
00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:05,482
and accept this robe?
21
00:01:05,551 --> 00:01:07,862
- [chuckling]
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
22
00:01:07,931 --> 00:01:09,379
Of course!
23
00:01:09,448 --> 00:01:11,275
[both squealing]
24
00:01:11,344 --> 00:01:13,965
[chuckles] Aw.
25
00:01:14,034 --> 00:01:15,620
Wait.
26
00:01:15,689 --> 00:01:17,655
I've never given you a key.
27
00:01:17,724 --> 00:01:19,344
How did you get
into my apartment?
28
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,620
[rock music]
29
00:01:21,689 --> 00:01:23,965
- ♪ Teachers ♪
30
00:01:24,034 --> 00:01:25,517
♪ Oh! ♪
31
00:01:27,068 --> 00:01:28,620
- Oh, hi.
32
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,206
What are you all doing here?
33
00:01:30,275 --> 00:01:31,413
- What's with the robe?
34
00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:33,103
Did you rob Hugh Hefner's grave?
35
00:01:33,172 --> 00:01:34,689
- [gasps] Too soon, Deb.
36
00:01:34,758 --> 00:01:36,310
I was devastated
when I wasn't picked
37
00:01:36,379 --> 00:01:37,758
to be his third girlfriend.
38
00:01:37,827 --> 00:01:39,724
And Mary Louise gave this to me.
39
00:01:39,793 --> 00:01:44,241
You're looking at her o-fish
maid of honor, babies! Uh!
40
00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:46,689
- I didn't know she started
choosing bridesmaids already.
41
00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:48,482
- Yeah, she's capping it
at five.
42
00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:51,482
So far it's me Hot Dad's sister
and some lame church friend
43
00:01:51,551 --> 00:01:53,724
who looks like
a backwoods Amber Tamblyn.
44
00:01:53,793 --> 00:01:55,379
Oh, but don't worry.
The last two spots
45
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:58,000
are going to you guys.
46
00:01:58,068 --> 00:02:01,344
- But there's three of us.
47
00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,137
- Awkwardio.
48
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:04,689
♪ ♪
49
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,551
- Is it weird that I really
want to be chosen
50
00:02:06,620 --> 00:02:07,907
as one of Mary Louise's
bridesmaids?
51
00:02:07,931 --> 00:02:10,034
- No, I really want
to be one too.
52
00:02:10,103 --> 00:02:12,793
- I just assumed we'd all
be in the bridal party.
53
00:02:12,862 --> 00:02:14,551
- Rookie mistake.
Bridal parties
54
00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:16,275
are more cutthroat
than sorority rush.
55
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:19,482
And not to brag but I've been
chosen as a bridesmaid
56
00:02:19,551 --> 00:02:21,103
20 out of 20 times.
57
00:02:21,172 --> 00:02:23,758
Once, I even beat out
the bride's twin sister.
58
00:02:23,827 --> 00:02:25,620
So I'm feeling pretty good.
59
00:02:25,689 --> 00:02:27,551
Especially since Mary Louise
invited
60
00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:29,034
me to go dress shopping
with her.
61
00:02:29,103 --> 00:02:32,068
- That was a group text, dildo.
We were all invited.
62
00:02:32,137 --> 00:02:33,965
- What? Why?
63
00:02:34,034 --> 00:02:37,068
Can you even name one
wedding dress silhouette?
64
00:02:37,137 --> 00:02:38,586
- Puffy.
65
00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:41,103
What's the deal, Caroline?
66
00:02:41,172 --> 00:02:42,452
After all those
one night stands,
67
00:02:42,482 --> 00:02:44,517
are you having
phantom dick syndrome?
68
00:02:44,586 --> 00:02:46,827
- There was lint on my pants,
Deb.
69
00:02:46,896 --> 00:02:49,758
♪ ♪
70
00:02:49,827 --> 00:02:51,689
[screams]
71
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,103
You have to help me.
72
00:02:54,172 --> 00:02:56,103
It burns when I pee.
- Ugh.
73
00:02:56,172 --> 00:02:58,724
- My Nantucket clam feels
like it's fire.
74
00:02:58,793 --> 00:03:01,000
- Girl, you gotta leak
after you freak.
75
00:03:01,068 --> 00:03:02,931
You got UTI-ed, you slut.
76
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,103
- [gasps]
77
00:03:05,172 --> 00:03:06,655
♪ ♪
78
00:03:06,724 --> 00:03:08,217
- Mary Louise, keep
your Friday night open
79
00:03:08,241 --> 00:03:10,517
because I'm throwing you
a bachelorette party!
80
00:03:10,586 --> 00:03:12,310
Get ready, girl!
81
00:03:12,379 --> 00:03:14,827
- Holy stripes, I'm so excited.
82
00:03:14,896 --> 00:03:16,413
Where are we going?
Give me a hint.
83
00:03:16,482 --> 00:03:18,172
IHOP? Six Flags? Ooh!
84
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:21,103
The Chicago Architecture
Foundation River Cruise?
85
00:03:21,172 --> 00:03:24,137
Well, whatever it is,
I couldn't be more excited.
86
00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:25,965
- [chuckles]
87
00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:29,655
Okay, Gordon, where the hell
is your mom?
88
00:03:29,724 --> 00:03:32,172
She's late. Again.
[exhales]
89
00:03:32,241 --> 00:03:35,137
I need to be hundo-p focused
on this bachelorette party.
90
00:03:35,206 --> 00:03:37,596
Mary Louise grew up thinking an
Etch A Sketch was a computer,
91
00:03:37,620 --> 00:03:39,420
so I've got to give her
the most amazing night
92
00:03:39,482 --> 00:03:41,172
her little naive self
has ever seen.
93
00:03:41,241 --> 00:03:43,724
- Did you know that scallops
have up to 100 eyes
94
00:03:43,793 --> 00:03:45,793
and they're usually all blue?
95
00:03:45,862 --> 00:03:48,344
- Since school's over I can
give you my honest answer.
96
00:03:48,413 --> 00:03:50,965
No, and I don't care.
[car honking]
97
00:03:51,034 --> 00:03:52,379
- Hey, hey, hey!
98
00:03:52,448 --> 00:03:54,896
- Trish.
You can't keep doing this.
99
00:03:54,965 --> 00:03:58,172
- Sorry... I had a pipe burst,
and it went everywhere.
100
00:03:58,241 --> 00:04:01,655
And as I was cleaning it up,
the dog freakin' puked.
101
00:04:01,724 --> 00:04:04,586
I think she must've drank
some of that dookie water.
102
00:04:04,655 --> 00:04:06,586
- You told that same story
last time.
103
00:04:06,655 --> 00:04:09,379
My job ends at 4:00, not 5:45.
104
00:04:09,448 --> 00:04:11,568
You're not the only one with
things to do around here.
105
00:04:11,620 --> 00:04:12,655
- How late are you open?
106
00:04:12,724 --> 00:04:14,241
- I'm not a business, Trish.
107
00:04:14,310 --> 00:04:15,482
I'm a teacher.
108
00:04:15,551 --> 00:04:18,517
♪ ♪
109
00:04:19,482 --> 00:04:21,137
- Hello, Caroline.
110
00:04:21,206 --> 00:04:22,724
So, your test came back,
111
00:04:22,793 --> 00:04:25,000
and turns out
you don't have a UTI.
112
00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:27,172
- Great.
- You have chlamydia.
113
00:04:27,241 --> 00:04:28,896
- What?
- A real bummer.
114
00:04:28,965 --> 00:04:31,965
But I see this kind
of gooey stuff all the time.
115
00:04:32,034 --> 00:04:36,310
- Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
116
00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:39,275
And did you really have
to describe it as gooey?
117
00:04:39,344 --> 00:04:41,103
- Sorry. I try to use
layman's terms
118
00:04:41,172 --> 00:04:42,379
when I'm talking to patients.
119
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,689
- I can't have chlamydia
120
00:04:44,758 --> 00:04:46,424
- I know you probably feel
a little awkward
121
00:04:46,448 --> 00:04:49,413
because you think I'm looking
at you like a prostitute,
122
00:04:49,482 --> 00:04:50,724
but that's not the case.
123
00:04:50,793 --> 00:04:52,137
I mean, yes,
a lot of prostitutes
124
00:04:52,206 --> 00:04:54,551
get venereal diseases,
but you don't have to be one
125
00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:56,620
to get one.
126
00:04:56,689 --> 00:04:58,965
Anyway, I'm gonna write
a script for some antibiotics,
127
00:04:59,034 --> 00:05:00,931
and you can get right back
to work.
128
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,931
Oh, I wasn't implying your work
is how you got this.
129
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,517
I was talking about
your other work.
130
00:05:06,586 --> 00:05:08,965
Your real work, uh...
131
00:05:09,034 --> 00:05:11,068
Your only work.
132
00:05:11,965 --> 00:05:15,586
- Well, tonight you finally
pick your bridesmaids.
133
00:05:15,655 --> 00:05:18,206
- I know.
Thanks for the ride.
134
00:05:18,275 --> 00:05:19,793
- Are you ready?
135
00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:24,344
- I don't know if I'm ready,
Toby, but I'm excited.
136
00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:29,172
- Well, it looks like the first
Lyft is pulling up right now.
137
00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:31,034
I'll leave you to it.
138
00:05:31,103 --> 00:05:34,034
[soft music]
139
00:05:34,103 --> 00:05:39,206
♪ ♪
140
00:05:39,275 --> 00:05:40,655
- Hi, there.
141
00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:43,068
- This is for you.
142
00:05:43,137 --> 00:05:44,275
It's a picture of us.
143
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,310
- Did one of your students
draw this?
144
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:48,034
- No.
I did.
145
00:05:48,103 --> 00:05:49,655
See you inside.
146
00:05:54,413 --> 00:05:55,724
- Hi.
147
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,241
- Here.
It's a vial for you
148
00:05:58,310 --> 00:06:00,827
to drink Hot Dad's blood from
on your wedding day.
149
00:06:00,896 --> 00:06:02,344
David and I did it on ours
150
00:06:02,413 --> 00:06:05,241
and it was the most romantic
thing we've ever done.
151
00:06:05,310 --> 00:06:07,275
- [unsteadily] Thank you.
152
00:06:13,241 --> 00:06:14,620
- Let's do the damn thing.
153
00:06:14,689 --> 00:06:16,724
I'm feeling really good
about my chances.
154
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,103
After all, I deserve this.
155
00:06:19,172 --> 00:06:21,275
- I'm so excited
you're all here,
156
00:06:21,344 --> 00:06:24,724
and thank you so much for
coming with me on this journey.
157
00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:27,206
Cheers!
All: Cheers!
158
00:06:29,827 --> 00:06:31,424
- You might want to slow down
there, Caroline.
159
00:06:31,448 --> 00:06:32,827
- Mm.
160
00:06:32,896 --> 00:06:34,286
- How long do you think
this will take?
161
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,827
I have so much shit to do.
162
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,493
The bachelorette party's
Friday, and I'm still working
163
00:06:37,517 --> 00:06:39,237
on the cake, decorations,
and trying to book
164
00:06:39,275 --> 00:06:41,379
the tiny strippers.
- Who are the tiny strippers?
165
00:06:41,448 --> 00:06:43,206
- There a group
of little person strippers
166
00:06:43,275 --> 00:06:45,103
who have huge dongs.
167
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:48,172
I know. I thought the name
was misleading too.
168
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,275
♪ ♪
169
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:51,827
[all gasp]
- Girl.
170
00:06:51,896 --> 00:06:53,551
That dress is GOAT.
171
00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:55,379
- You look incredible.
- Aw.
172
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:57,586
- Say yes to the dress, y'all!
173
00:06:57,655 --> 00:07:00,275
[cackling]
- Oh, my God, make it stop.
174
00:07:03,103 --> 00:07:04,379
- Say yes to the dress, y'all!
175
00:07:04,448 --> 00:07:05,655
[laughs] Look at us.
176
00:07:05,724 --> 00:07:07,448
It's like "Bride Wars."
Ooh!
177
00:07:07,517 --> 00:07:09,310
Dibs on being Kate Hudson.
178
00:07:09,379 --> 00:07:10,724
- Caroline is a mess.
179
00:07:10,793 --> 00:07:12,217
I haven't seen someone get
this hammered
180
00:07:12,241 --> 00:07:14,103
since my sorority sister,
Michelle, got trashed
181
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:16,586
on a pontoon party boat
and drowned.
182
00:07:16,655 --> 00:07:18,379
That was embarrassing.
183
00:07:18,448 --> 00:07:20,793
- Oh, my God, you're wearing
a headband just like me.
184
00:07:20,862 --> 00:07:22,482
I love you!
[liquid dripping]
185
00:07:22,551 --> 00:07:24,551
[all gasping]
186
00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:27,241
Oh, relax.
It's clear.
187
00:07:27,310 --> 00:07:28,862
- Caroline.
188
00:07:28,931 --> 00:07:30,310
I think you've had enough.
189
00:07:30,379 --> 00:07:32,241
- [snorts, crying] I'm sorry!
190
00:07:32,310 --> 00:07:35,275
I just got some really
bad health news today.
191
00:07:35,344 --> 00:07:37,137
I haven't completely processed
it yet.
192
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,000
- She always has to
make it about her.
193
00:07:39,068 --> 00:07:41,275
- Oh, my God, what is it?
- Is it cancer?
194
00:07:41,344 --> 00:07:42,689
- Oh, shit, is it cancer?
195
00:07:42,758 --> 00:07:44,931
- Chlamydia.
- Oh.
196
00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:47,551
- When you've lived
on a commune,
197
00:07:47,620 --> 00:07:49,275
chlamydia's no big deal.
198
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:51,896
- It'll be fine.
Chlamydia is treatable.
199
00:07:51,965 --> 00:07:53,793
Almost every
sexually active person
200
00:07:53,862 --> 00:07:55,482
gets an STD at some point.
201
00:07:55,551 --> 00:07:57,724
- My life is ruined.
202
00:07:57,793 --> 00:07:59,620
- Okay, Caroline, cut it out.
203
00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:01,482
This is Mary Louise's day,
not yours.
204
00:08:01,551 --> 00:08:03,896
Now let's get you home
so you can throw back
205
00:08:03,965 --> 00:08:06,206
some doxycycline
and sleep this off.
206
00:08:06,275 --> 00:08:07,586
- Okay, thanks.
207
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,448
I think my body's
just really tired
208
00:08:09,517 --> 00:08:11,103
from all the chlamydia.
209
00:08:11,172 --> 00:08:13,206
- You wanna try
on another dress?
210
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:14,896
[tense rattling]
211
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,310
[reflective music]
212
00:08:18,379 --> 00:08:21,413
- Hey, Mary Louise,
have you made any decisions
213
00:08:21,482 --> 00:08:22,896
about your bridal party?
214
00:08:22,965 --> 00:08:25,896
- No. I thought I was gonna
pick Caroline,
215
00:08:25,965 --> 00:08:27,655
but after
the dress shop incident
216
00:08:27,724 --> 00:08:29,172
I'm not so sure anymore.
217
00:08:29,241 --> 00:08:31,827
- Whatever she did, I'm sure
she was in the wrong.
218
00:08:31,896 --> 00:08:33,896
- But Deb really surprised me.
219
00:08:33,965 --> 00:08:35,862
I loved the way
she took control.
220
00:08:35,931 --> 00:08:38,758
- Well, I'm glad there
was a silver lining.
221
00:08:38,827 --> 00:08:41,344
To be honest, I don't know how
I got sucked into all of this,
222
00:08:41,413 --> 00:08:44,965
but I'm bored so...
223
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:49,275
- Girl.
You were a mess yesterday.
224
00:08:49,344 --> 00:08:50,862
How are you feeling?
225
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:52,931
- Well, the treatment is
keeping my physical pain
226
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,000
at bay, but now I have
to endure the emotional pain
227
00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:58,724
of contacting all
of my previous sexual partners.
228
00:08:58,793 --> 00:08:59,965
- Why?
229
00:09:00,034 --> 00:09:02,620
- Because it's the right thing
to do.
230
00:09:02,689 --> 00:09:04,217
The problem is
I can't remember the names
231
00:09:04,241 --> 00:09:05,896
of half the guys I've been with.
232
00:09:05,965 --> 00:09:07,872
- Just check your phone.
I'm sure you mercy entered
233
00:09:07,896 --> 00:09:10,000
some of them in your contacts.
234
00:09:10,068 --> 00:09:12,517
- You're right.
There's Fuddruckers Frank.
235
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,551
Likes the Butt Bill.
236
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:16,206
Really Cute Dog Dave.
237
00:09:16,275 --> 00:09:19,034
His adorable dog almost made up
for his night terrors.
238
00:09:19,103 --> 00:09:21,655
- If I were you,
I'd keep it flirty.
239
00:09:21,724 --> 00:09:23,793
This isn't necessarily good-bye.
240
00:09:28,206 --> 00:09:31,413
- Hello, Frank?
Hi, it's Caroline.
241
00:09:31,482 --> 00:09:33,931
You may remember me from
the bathroom at Fuddruckers
242
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,275
during biker week.
243
00:09:36,344 --> 00:09:39,482
No, I don't have
an eyebrow piercing.
244
00:09:39,551 --> 00:09:41,551
Yes, I'm sure.
245
00:09:41,620 --> 00:09:44,586
No, I did not show you my gun.
246
00:09:44,655 --> 00:09:46,517
You have chlamydia, Frank.
247
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,896
♪ ♪
248
00:09:47,965 --> 00:09:51,034
- Ugh, your mom's voicemail
box is full.
249
00:09:51,103 --> 00:09:52,758
- Oh, she does it on purpose.
250
00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:54,793
She says it's supply and demand.
251
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,620
Makes her more wanted that way.
252
00:09:56,689 --> 00:09:58,413
- That actually makes sense.
253
00:09:58,482 --> 00:10:00,355
Okay, well since I'm stuck
with you, you can help me
254
00:10:00,379 --> 00:10:02,517
brainstorm Mary Louise's
bachelorette hashtag.
255
00:10:02,586 --> 00:10:05,931
It must be completely original.
Puns and rhymes encouraged.
256
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,517
- Something like #MarriedLouise.
257
00:10:08,586 --> 00:10:11,586
- Impressive but it doesn't
make me wanna go to the party.
258
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,803
Oh, and you want to make sure
when you mash words together
259
00:10:13,827 --> 00:10:15,517
that they don't make
other words.
260
00:10:15,586 --> 00:10:19,827
I'll never live down the time
I started the #ChrisSLovesAnaL.
261
00:10:20,931 --> 00:10:25,275
Chris S loves Ana L.
262
00:10:25,344 --> 00:10:28,275
You know what?
Let's move on to venues.
263
00:10:28,344 --> 00:10:30,275
- So the bridal shop
was a total disaster.
264
00:10:30,344 --> 00:10:32,413
I just haven't been myself
ever since I found out
265
00:10:32,482 --> 00:10:34,724
that chlamydia can spread
to your eyes.
266
00:10:34,793 --> 00:10:36,655
If I go blind and Chelsea
can still see,
267
00:10:36,724 --> 00:10:39,000
then there is no justice
in the universe.
268
00:10:39,068 --> 00:10:40,275
I have to do something drastic
269
00:10:40,344 --> 00:10:42,068
if I'm ever going to get a robe.
270
00:10:42,137 --> 00:10:45,275
[suspenseful music]
271
00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:50,965
♪ ♪
272
00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:54,034
- Caroline?
Is everything all right?
273
00:10:54,103 --> 00:10:56,379
- I just couldn't wait
until tomorrow.
274
00:10:56,448 --> 00:10:58,413
I hope it's okay I came.
275
00:10:58,482 --> 00:11:02,172
Here, I brought you these.
276
00:11:02,241 --> 00:11:03,724
And this.
277
00:11:04,689 --> 00:11:07,068
I'm sorry I got a little
wackado at the dress shop.
278
00:11:07,137 --> 00:11:11,448
I totally hijacked your day
and that is not okay.
279
00:11:11,517 --> 00:11:15,068
Will you forgive me?
- Absolutely.
280
00:11:15,137 --> 00:11:18,310
Do you... wanna come in?
281
00:11:18,379 --> 00:11:19,655
- Can I?
282
00:11:19,724 --> 00:11:22,241
Chosen over a twin.
283
00:11:22,310 --> 00:11:27,344
♪ ♪
284
00:11:27,413 --> 00:11:30,172
- What the fuck.
285
00:11:32,034 --> 00:11:33,586
- Faster, Gordon.
These goodie bags
286
00:11:33,655 --> 00:11:35,172
needed to be ready hours ago.
287
00:11:35,241 --> 00:11:37,172
Hey! I paid good money
for those.
288
00:11:37,241 --> 00:11:39,310
No eating the edible undies.
289
00:11:39,379 --> 00:11:43,000
- There you are! I have been
waiting outside for 15 minutes!
290
00:11:43,068 --> 00:11:45,413
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Did we inconvenience you?
291
00:11:45,482 --> 00:11:47,010
Because you were supposed
to pick your son up
292
00:11:47,034 --> 00:11:48,275
three hours ago!
293
00:11:48,344 --> 00:11:50,172
I am not here to babysit him
for free.
294
00:11:50,241 --> 00:11:51,862
- [crying] Okay, I'm sorry!
295
00:11:51,931 --> 00:11:55,068
I'm just having a really hard
time juggling everything.
296
00:11:55,137 --> 00:11:58,655
Gordon's dad left us
a year ago... I mean, died,
297
00:11:58,724 --> 00:12:00,241
and now I'm working two jobs
298
00:12:00,310 --> 00:12:02,620
in addition to being
a single mom.
299
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,413
- I can relate.
300
00:12:04,482 --> 00:12:06,310
I know what it's like
to be on your own,
301
00:12:06,379 --> 00:12:09,103
to never get any help, and to
have to do whatever it takes
302
00:12:09,172 --> 00:12:11,413
to get the job done
but it's just never enough.
303
00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:12,482
- Really?
304
00:12:12,551 --> 00:12:13,838
- I'm planning
a bachelorette party
305
00:12:13,862 --> 00:12:15,275
all by myself.
306
00:12:15,344 --> 00:12:17,344
I mean, what if she hates it?
307
00:12:17,413 --> 00:12:20,034
- I used to own The Drunk Skunk
in Cicero
308
00:12:20,103 --> 00:12:22,344
before I had to burn it down
for insurance money.
309
00:12:22,413 --> 00:12:25,896
We had bachelorette parties
come through all the time.
310
00:12:25,965 --> 00:12:29,034
I've got a garage
full of decorations.
311
00:12:29,103 --> 00:12:31,241
- You have a garage
full of penises?
312
00:12:31,310 --> 00:12:34,172
No wonder you're always late.
- Oh, oh!
313
00:12:34,241 --> 00:12:36,655
Yes, queen.
[both laugh]
314
00:12:36,724 --> 00:12:38,884
Yeah, if you could watch Gordon
every once and a while,
315
00:12:38,931 --> 00:12:40,724
I could help you out
with the party.
316
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,034
- Okay, deal.
317
00:12:42,103 --> 00:12:43,517
- Gordon! What are you eating?
318
00:12:43,586 --> 00:12:46,000
Those better not be
my edible undies, young man!
319
00:12:46,068 --> 00:12:49,000
[soft music]
320
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:51,000
♪ ♪
321
00:12:51,068 --> 00:12:53,068
- Cecelia.
322
00:12:53,137 --> 00:12:57,241
This is for you.
- [gasps]
323
00:12:59,310 --> 00:13:02,931
"Cecelia, let's have lunch
on the playground.
324
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,379
"It'll be a swinging good time.
325
00:13:05,448 --> 00:13:08,620
Mary Louise."
326
00:13:08,689 --> 00:13:11,206
- Yay!
- So fun!
327
00:13:11,275 --> 00:13:13,896
- I acted surprised,
but I knew this was coming.
328
00:13:13,965 --> 00:13:16,310
I scored an original vest
from "The Partridge Family"
329
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:19,068
off eBay and gave it
to her yesterday.
330
00:13:20,344 --> 00:13:21,758
- Fuck!
331
00:13:21,827 --> 00:13:24,206
- See my ring?
- [gasps] Oh!
332
00:13:24,275 --> 00:13:26,206
- I can't believe she's hanging
out with Cecelia.
333
00:13:26,275 --> 00:13:29,275
- I know, but we shouldn't
talk bad about her.
334
00:13:29,344 --> 00:13:31,241
We've become
really good friends.
335
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:33,275
Three facts about Cecelia:
she smells,
336
00:13:33,344 --> 00:13:36,206
she has hairy armpits,
and her personality sucks.
337
00:13:36,275 --> 00:13:39,482
- Will you accept this robe?
- [gasps] Yes!
338
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:41,896
- Oh, my God.
- You gotta be kidding me.
339
00:13:41,965 --> 00:13:43,896
- Oh, you look so beautiful
in it!
340
00:13:43,965 --> 00:13:45,862
- [squealing]
341
00:13:45,931 --> 00:13:47,413
[tense music]
342
00:13:47,482 --> 00:13:49,793
- So now there's only one robe
left.
343
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:52,068
♪ ♪
344
00:13:55,413 --> 00:13:56,973
- It's the day
of my bachelorette party,
345
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,689
and I'm so grateful
to have had this week
346
00:13:58,758 --> 00:14:01,448
with these amazing women,
and even though
347
00:14:01,517 --> 00:14:03,034
I haven't decided
who I'll choose
348
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,482
as my final bridesmaid,
I'm excited.
349
00:14:05,551 --> 00:14:07,931
I can't wait to see what
they have planned for me.
350
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,344
It's sure to be
a really classy night.
351
00:14:11,448 --> 00:14:13,896
- Hey, girl! [giggles]
- Hi!
352
00:14:13,965 --> 00:14:15,241
- Okay, I am so sorry.
353
00:14:15,310 --> 00:14:16,724
The baker refused
to put pee-holes
354
00:14:16,793 --> 00:14:18,103
in the penis cupcakes.
355
00:14:18,172 --> 00:14:20,482
But the mechanical bull
is all set up,
356
00:14:20,551 --> 00:14:23,379
and there's a hairy balls
piñata.
357
00:14:23,448 --> 00:14:24,793
- Oh!
358
00:14:24,862 --> 00:14:27,413
Swish, swish, Trish,
you my bitch.
359
00:14:27,482 --> 00:14:29,827
- I can't believe Cecelia's
wearing that robe,
360
00:14:29,896 --> 00:14:31,827
trying to rub it in our faces.
361
00:14:31,896 --> 00:14:34,620
But joke's on her because she
doesn't even look good in pink.
362
00:14:34,689 --> 00:14:36,551
It's like, go ahead,
saunter around,
363
00:14:36,620 --> 00:14:38,827
but you look super washed out
while you do it.
364
00:14:38,896 --> 00:14:41,413
- Hey. [sighs]
I'm totally freaking out.
365
00:14:41,482 --> 00:14:43,000
I didn't think
I'd get this invested,
366
00:14:43,068 --> 00:14:45,310
but I've never been
in a bridal party before.
367
00:14:45,379 --> 00:14:47,344
And Mary Louise is so sweet.
368
00:14:47,413 --> 00:14:51,000
She deserves a great wedding
no matter what.
369
00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:53,758
But I just was really
hoping to be a part of it.
370
00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:56,689
- Yeah. I mean, she and I have
had our differences...
371
00:14:56,758 --> 00:14:59,103
She wears socks with
ballet flats like a toddler...
372
00:14:59,172 --> 00:15:01,724
But she's been by my side
through a lot.
373
00:15:01,793 --> 00:15:04,482
I really hope I can stand
up there with her.
374
00:15:04,551 --> 00:15:07,068
- You know what?
375
00:15:07,137 --> 00:15:10,344
I hope you get it.
- No, I hope you get it.
376
00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:13,000
I got your back, girl.
- Thanks.
377
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:14,620
- [squealing]
378
00:15:14,689 --> 00:15:16,413
- [blows whistle]
379
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,413
[both laughing]
- Hey, girl.
380
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,862
Here is your crown.
- [chuckling] Oh!
381
00:15:20,931 --> 00:15:23,620
- Hey, can I steal you
for a moment?
382
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:25,068
- Oh. Okay.
383
00:15:25,137 --> 00:15:27,241
[dramatic music]
384
00:15:27,310 --> 00:15:29,137
- Are you fucking kidding me?
385
00:15:29,206 --> 00:15:31,172
Fuck!
Fu...
386
00:15:31,241 --> 00:15:33,517
- All right.
- Oh, yeah. Whoo!
387
00:15:33,586 --> 00:15:35,724
Trish, where did you get
this guy?
388
00:15:35,793 --> 00:15:39,034
- Oh. He's my cousin.
Isn't he hot?
389
00:15:39,103 --> 00:15:42,344
Yeah, good job, Billy.
You got the moves.
390
00:15:42,413 --> 00:15:44,793
- I just don't want
my chlamydia-riddled body
391
00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:46,482
to affect your big day.
392
00:15:46,551 --> 00:15:50,448
But I actually think that
if I'm chosen as a bridesmaid,
393
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,620
it could help me beat this.
394
00:15:52,689 --> 00:15:53,965
- Really?
- Yeah.
395
00:15:54,034 --> 00:15:55,931
I mean, just being
with you here,
396
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,000
I can feel myself healing
397
00:15:58,068 --> 00:15:59,517
down there.
- Sorry. Mary Louise.
398
00:15:59,586 --> 00:16:01,724
I need to talk to you.
- I just got here.
399
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:03,827
- She's lying to you.
She just told me
400
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,862
that she hates that you dress
like a toddler.
401
00:16:05,931 --> 00:16:07,931
- What?
- I never said the word "hate."
402
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,379
- Mm, I'm the only one here
looking out for you.
403
00:16:10,448 --> 00:16:11,827
She's not your real friend.
404
00:16:11,896 --> 00:16:13,379
- Yes, she is, and so are you.
405
00:16:13,448 --> 00:16:15,517
I'm here to spend time
with the both of you.
406
00:16:15,586 --> 00:16:18,000
- Oh, bullshit. We know there's
only room for one of us
407
00:16:18,068 --> 00:16:20,206
in your bridal party, so who
are you gonna give it to?
408
00:16:20,275 --> 00:16:23,310
Who gets the final robe?
- Guys, mellow out.
409
00:16:23,379 --> 00:16:24,976
Being in the bridal party
isn't that big of a deal.
410
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,344
- You're just saying that
because you're already in it,
411
00:16:27,413 --> 00:16:29,965
you smug-ass hippie.
- Yeah, shut up, Cecelia.
412
00:16:30,034 --> 00:16:31,965
- Stop it, stop it, stop it!
413
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:34,206
- You guys are
really missing out.
414
00:16:34,275 --> 00:16:35,793
Trish and I are having a blast.
415
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:38,137
We're about to play
Pin the Piercing on the Clit.
416
00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:41,586
- [sobbing]
417
00:16:41,655 --> 00:16:45,655
- This because I said "clit"?
[sighs]
418
00:16:45,724 --> 00:16:47,413
- [crying]
419
00:16:47,482 --> 00:16:50,241
- Mary Louise.
Please come out.
420
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,827
- I'm never coming out!
421
00:16:52,896 --> 00:16:54,758
- Mary Louise.
It's me.
422
00:16:54,827 --> 00:16:56,344
[door unlocks]
423
00:16:57,758 --> 00:16:59,862
- Hi, Chelsea.
[breathes slowly]
424
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:03,172
I can't believe how selfish
you guys are.
425
00:17:03,241 --> 00:17:04,758
I'm such an idiot.
426
00:17:04,827 --> 00:17:06,734
I thought you were all here
for the right reasons,
427
00:17:06,758 --> 00:17:08,379
but all you care about
is competing
428
00:17:08,448 --> 00:17:10,551
to be in my bridal party.
429
00:17:10,620 --> 00:17:13,068
- I thought for sure this was
because I said clit.
430
00:17:13,137 --> 00:17:15,517
I still think it might have
been because I said clit.
431
00:17:15,586 --> 00:17:18,517
- I am so sorry, Mary Louise.
- You're right.
432
00:17:18,586 --> 00:17:20,758
We totally lost sight
of what's important.
433
00:17:20,827 --> 00:17:22,517
- This night should be
about you.
434
00:17:22,586 --> 00:17:24,827
- I just love you all so much.
435
00:17:24,896 --> 00:17:28,000
That's why I'm having such a
hard time picking bridesmaids.
436
00:17:28,068 --> 00:17:30,172
- Don't even think about it.
It doesn't matter.
437
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:31,965
- We're just excited
about your big day.
438
00:17:32,034 --> 00:17:33,862
- Okay.
Thanks.
439
00:17:33,931 --> 00:17:37,344
- Come on. We've got
some hairy balls to smash!
440
00:17:37,413 --> 00:17:38,896
[all squealing]
441
00:17:38,965 --> 00:17:40,965
[rock music playing]
442
00:17:41,034 --> 00:17:42,827
Go!
443
00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:44,206
- Go, go, go!
- Aw!
444
00:17:44,275 --> 00:17:46,758
- Cheers. Mary Louise!
- Get it, girl!
445
00:17:46,827 --> 00:17:48,172
[cheering]
446
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:49,379
- I ate the balls.
447
00:17:49,448 --> 00:17:50,689
- The balls is the best part.
448
00:17:50,758 --> 00:17:54,137
- Yah! Charge
- [yelling]
449
00:17:54,206 --> 00:17:56,068
Do you have any strength
in your body?
450
00:17:56,137 --> 00:17:57,724
- Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no!
451
00:17:57,793 --> 00:17:59,620
- Stop. That's not safe!
- She can't breathe!
452
00:17:59,689 --> 00:18:01,551
- Mary Louise! Let go of her!
453
00:18:02,965 --> 00:18:06,655
- This is the best night ever
with the best friends ever!
454
00:18:11,241 --> 00:18:14,172
[suspenseful music]
455
00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:21,448
♪ ♪
456
00:18:31,655 --> 00:18:34,586
- Mary Louise,
this is the final robe.
457
00:18:41,862 --> 00:18:44,931
- It's been great spending time
with you this week.
458
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,068
♪ ♪
459
00:18:47,137 --> 00:18:51,206
And I really care
about all of you.
460
00:19:02,655 --> 00:19:09,689
♪ ♪
461
00:19:16,551 --> 00:19:19,068
- Deb.
- Oh, thank God!
462
00:19:19,137 --> 00:19:21,379
[somber music]
463
00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:25,068
- Deb. Will you accept
this robe?
464
00:19:25,137 --> 00:19:27,793
- Yes, of course!
Thank you.
465
00:19:30,241 --> 00:19:33,517
- Caroline.
Can I walk you out?
466
00:19:37,034 --> 00:19:38,517
Caroline, you're so special.
467
00:19:38,586 --> 00:19:40,965
- Don't.
- Please, let me finish.
468
00:19:41,034 --> 00:19:44,103
This was a really hard decision.
469
00:19:45,103 --> 00:19:48,310
But I'd still love for you
to be part of my wedding.
470
00:19:48,379 --> 00:19:51,448
As my personal attendant,
471
00:19:51,517 --> 00:19:53,931
you'll be in charge
of super important things
472
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,655
like seating guests on time and
putting mints in the bathroom.
473
00:19:56,724 --> 00:19:58,413
- So you want me
to work the wedding
474
00:19:58,482 --> 00:20:01,310
and give people mints
after they've taken a dump?
475
00:20:01,379 --> 00:20:03,965
You're making a big mistake.
476
00:20:04,034 --> 00:20:05,586
But I'm not gonna cry.
477
00:20:05,655 --> 00:20:06,689
[screams]
478
00:20:09,344 --> 00:20:11,034
[rock music]
479
00:20:11,103 --> 00:20:12,965
♪ La la, la la ♪
480
00:20:13,034 --> 00:20:15,275
♪ La la, la la la ♪
481
00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:18,896
♪ La la, la la la, la la ♪
482
00:20:18,965 --> 00:20:20,931
♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪
483
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,275
♪ La la la, la la ♪
484
00:20:23,344 --> 00:20:25,758
♪ I'll give you
what you need ♪
485
00:20:25,827 --> 00:20:28,034
♪ La la la, la la ♪
486
00:20:28,103 --> 00:20:31,172
♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪
487
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:35,137
[snoring]
35343
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