All language subtitles for A.Slight.Case.Of.Murder.1999.DVDRip.XviD-FRAGMENT

...relax and be happy.

Why? Because it's short.

And that's the end of the
good news about Cry Out,

the new film by
wunderkind fright master,

Kevin "Don't Go Out There" Donaldson.

The latest addition to Mr.
Donaldson's teen schlock horror canon

finds our luckless, scantily
clad band of heroes at the mall.

Where over the course of the next

93 fun and gore-filled minutes,

we are treated to not one,
but five grisly murders.

Now, I may be a literalist,

but if people were
killing your best friends,

would you go back to the...

What if they think I killed her?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh.

Yep, dead.

I gotta call the police.

It was an accident. We had a tussle.

She slipped on an ice cube.

We had a tussle? A
tussle? We had a fight!

She was hitting. She
threw a drink at me.

Oh, my God!

How could this... How could this...

Or I could just leave.

Laurie, Laurie, Laurie.

If going to prison
for the rest of my life

would bring you back, I would.

But what's the use in
grieving over spilt milk?

I'm not saying you're spilt milk, I'm...

You know what I mean. All right.

All right, I wasn't here. I wasn't here.

Wait! The doorman.

Oh, no, the doorman.

Was the doorman there when we came in?

I don't think he was.

He didn't see us. Okay.

The only thing I have to do is get out.

Okay, I wasn't here. I wasn't here.

If I wasn't here, what
would be different?

That.

Fingerprints. Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah, I've been
to her place many times.

We went to a screening Thursday night.

I- I dropped her
off at-at 10:00.

No, 9:00, 9:30-ish.

Okay, good. Good.

Whoops.

"For stress. "

If this is not a stressful
situation, there is no such thing.

This is gonna be just fine.

I was never here.

What a night.

Oh, my God. You that guy?

Sorry?

You know, on cable. The movie guy.

Yeah, yeah, I am.

What's your name?

Terry Thorpe. Right!

We watch you. Sometimes.

And I got to say, no offense, okay?

But I got to say, 75 percent of the time

you've got your head up your ass.

All due respect.

But my case in point,
that boat movie, Titanic.

And they gave it the Academy Award.

What happened to, uh, L.A. Confidential?

That was a much superior movie.

Who are they gonna look
to first, the police?

Friends? Lovers?

Lovers. Well, I-I-I
think we're safe there.

We were pretty discreet.

Hell, even Kit didn't know about Laura.

Or Laura about Kit, for that matter.

She knew about her, but not
that we were sleeping together.

Kit's the other woman I've been seeing.

You're married?

Come again?

I said, you're married?

N
- No.

How'd you escape?

Sheer dent of will.

Girlfriend? Oh, yeah.

I hate you. I hate you!

Do you think I'm stupid?

I don't know one of your friends!

I have never been to your apartment!

You treat me like a hooker!

I'm just your whore! I'm your whore!

Ow!

Oh, Laura, what happened to that

rabidly independent woman I fell for?

Why couldn't you be more like Kit?

I'm sick of all this sneaking around.

I hate you! I hate
you! Stop it, will you?

You're driving me
insane! Please, please.

Stop it!

It's crazy, you know. It's
crazy and they all do it.

Uh, sorry?

You could see it coming. It's a formula.

Bad guy's always gonna get caught.

Broad gets rescued on an iceberg.

Why not let her die once in a while?

Let some guy get away with murder.

Let the thief keep the jewels.

Here we go. It's $12.75.

You know what I'm saying?

I think you are absolutely right.

Of course, I'm right.

Keep it. Thanks a lot.

John Brant's office
calling. Please return.

Terry, Terry, Terry!
You're making me old.

Where's that Eisenstein piece? Call me.

Hi, it's Laura. You've left already?

I wanted to remind you to
bring the Molly Haskell book.

Never mind. Can't wait to see you.

Can't wait to see you.

Oh, Laura, things were going so well.

Why'd you have to go and do a header?

Who's there? Come on up.

Mr. Petrovsky, my intercom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. " Fix it!

I fix it! I fix it! Check
on it. Check on the first...

Whatever you're saying, just fix it.

Mr. Thorpe, isn't it?

Can I help you?

Well, sir, I think, it's
the other way around.

I think I can help you.

Uh...

Help me with...

With this.

I, uh, found it. Under her.

Why don't we talk inside?

Nice. Very nice. Nice place.

You from the police?

Mmm-mmm. Private investigator.

That was his best.

I was on surveillance last
night outside the apartment.

Mrs. Penney's husband hired our agency.

Laura was married?

Um, legally separated, I believe.

The point is, I was there.

I saw the two of you enter
the building together,

and I saw you come out alone.

So?

Well, I must say, Mr. Thorpe,
you were acting kind of strange.

You passed up two
available cabs in the rain.

But then quickly flagged
one just around the corner.

You followed me?

I did.

I followed you uptown and got
your name off your mailbox.

You should get your intercom fixed.

You can't just be
buzzing anybody in here.

You know what I mean?

Thank you. I've spoken
to the management.

So, I went back downtown
and let myself in.

You broke in?

Mr. Thorpe, I don't think you
ought to start using harsh words.

You know?

There's two of us could do that.

All right, get to the point.

You know what I found in the apartment.

An envelope.

And a body on top of it.

It was an accident.

That's a possibility.

On the other hand, you did run away.

You did try to hide your presence.

And, you'll notice here,
you do look guilty as hell.

That's high-speed film. No flash.

Pretty amazing, huh?

This one's not so good technically,

but, uh, it does have good story value.

The negatives are back at my office.

Blackmail?

Now, there you go with
the harsh words again.

I just thought you might be interested

in buying the negatives, that's all.

How much?

Well, that's... That's
a very rare photograph.

And I'm a very poor man.

You're a successful movie reviewer.

I'm a writer.

So is Stephen King.

$35,000. What?

I don't have that kind of money.

Well, then I guess I'll just
go for the glory of the arrest.

No, no, wait, wait, wait, I
didn't say I don't have any money.

I don't bargain.

Here's my card if you
should change your mind.

Close of business today is
when I turn in my report.

That's my name, John Edgerson.

If you call, ask for Ed.

Hey, Mr. Thorpe, look
at the bright side.

The bright side?

If you decide not to pay, you've
got a full day's head start.

Hey, Todd, thank you so much
for seeing me on short notice.

I was wondering about the
possibility of getting an advance

on that idea we talked about.

I realize at this
point it's just an idea,

and I understand your concerns
that it might be derivative,

but my sister's kid needs
this emergency transplant.

It's just been a nightmare.

Anyway, they finally found
a donor and I promised her

that I would never sell
it because this is the ring

Miss Garbo wore in Anna Christie

and the cash machine was broken.

I
- I'm going upstate.

I don't have time to get to a bank.

So, Tag, could you possibly cash

a check that's gonna bounce higher

than a kite to the
guy at the Korean deli.

I have tapped everyone
I have ever known,

and all I can come up with is $22,444,

which, given the short amount of time...

Mr. Thorpe. Mr. Thorpe.

I thought we had an understanding?

It seems to me that $22,000 in the hand

is worth... Goodbye, Mr. Thorpe.

I can't raise any more!

Good luck to you.

All right, all right, all right.

Somehow I'll find it.

But you're gonna have
to give me more time.

You can at least give me that much.

I usually take my lunch at a place

called P.J. Malones. Do you know it?

Yes.

Well tomorrow, I'll be leaving there

at 12:20 to turn in my report. Okay?

That's the best I can do for you.

Putz.

Hey, Thorpe, what are you doing here?

You know Bob. Yeah.

No, no. I don't think we've...

Oh, yeah, we've met. Remember at the...

Oh, yeah, right. Good to see you.

Can I talk to you alone?

Sure. Um...

Move this shot to the front,
and I agree with you. I like her.

Excellent. Excellent.
Good to see you, Terry.

You, too, pal.

What?

I've got a surprise for you.

What is it?

I can't tell you yet, but
you are going to love it.

Oh, hurray.

You're going to have to
wait and it's gonna cost you.

Okay. It's gonna cost you $13,000.

Right. What is it?

No, no, no.

First you've got to give me $13,000.

Um, I don't have $13,000. What is this?

It's a surprise.

The surprise is I give you $13,000?

No, no. That would be a surprise.

It's just... I don't have $13,000.

Oh, never mind. It's...

How much do you have?

I have a few thousand, maybe.

What are you talking
about? I'm not getting this.

Never mind, it doesn't...
It was just this crazy...

What about credit cards?

What about them?

You know, an advance.

Credit card, and it's maxed.

You in trouble?

No. No, no, no, no. It's
just this crazy, wacky...

If-If you don't have it and-and you
can't get it from, like, your parents,

or-or friends or something, then, uh...

Never mind. Okay, I gotta go. D
- Don't worry about it.

I've gotta go. I'll
- I'll call you.

I'll talk to you later.

I can write you a check
for a few thousand.

No. Well, maybe.

No. Never mind. I'll talk to you later.

Who else? Who else?

Who else?

Oh, my God.

If this is in my book, it's
got to be in Laura's book, too.

Oh, this is an engagement I've
got to keep. Don't you think?

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Can I help you?

I'm here to see Miss
Penney. What's going on?

Mr. Thorpe? Yes?

What's happening? Come on in.

Where's Laura?

Thorpe.
T-H-O-R-P...

E.

And, um, what was your relationship?

Friends. Business associates.

Business friends.

And have you been in
this apartment before?

Oh, yeah, many times.

Do you have a key?

Sorry?

Do you have a key to this apartment?

No.

This is my partner, Detective
Stapelli. Terry Thorpe.

Right. Dinner. 7:30.

Anything?

Maybe. Excuse us a second.

The master bedroom's
clean, the bathroom's clean.

This is hard.

I have a newfound respect for actors.

I've been known to be, some might say,

vicious towards them in my criticisms.

Did you see Body Heat?

I might owe Bill Hurt an apology.

Stay cool.

Can you tell me what happened?

Uh, sure.

Somebody murdered Laura Penney.

Probably right after you two had dinner.

No, we just...

I'm a film critic and we...

Right, yeah, Cry Out.

You know, you didn't
like that one, did you?

Right. Look, so the two
of you didn't have dinner?

We came straight back here.

Hmm. Did you come up for a drink? Larry?

No. She was feeling sick.

The flu or something.

Hmm.

What?

Well, she was entertaining someone.

How do you know that?

You see how all those glasses are

turned upside down, except for one?

Yeah.

I have a feeling

that somebody was up here, had a
drink, didn't want anyone to know.

Huh.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I deal with this kind of
thing, murder and death,

all the time in the films that I...

It's very different, isn't it?

They rarely get it right in Hollywood.

So, um, after you dropped her off,

where'd you go?

Home.

Did anyone see you?

Um... A doorman?

I don't have a doorman.

A neighbor? A friend?

Did you call anyone?

Is there anybody that can
corroborate your story?

I hope so.

Because, um, you understand, um,

you've got no alibi, Mr. Thorpe.

Oh, I am screwed. I am screwed.

I am screwed.

Am I gonna go to prison
for lack of $13,000?

This? No, this... Oh, come on.

This is a prop.

It was a gift from a producer.

I gave him a money notice.

I had a little bit too
much to drink at dinner,

kind of fell asleep
during the screening.

I had to fictionalize my review.

The Times thought it was great.

I figured, what the hell.

Listen, I don't want you
to get the wrong impression.

I'm very serious about what I do.

That was one isolated incident.

My dad.

Pop, it's Terry.

I need you to wire
me $13,000 right away.

Why? Because, because, because...

It's a surprise!

Was that a disaster or what?

Mr. Wyatt, you sure
enough had me fooled.

Come on. I thought that...

Think.

Sounds like it comes from the bank!

$40, $60, there you go.

This is a stickup.

I'm sorry?

This is a stickup.

You wanna cash a check?

What? Wait.

You look frightened. Try to smile.

What?

Come on. Come on. Hurry.

I make you $622 short.

I just robbed a freaking bank
for you, you son of a bitch.

I am not going to rob another one.

You are going to take that money,

or I swear to God, I will kill us both.

Whoa, whoa.

Take it easy, Mr. Thorpe.

If I can't make
allowances here and there,

what sort of fellow would I be?

All right.

There you are, my friend.

This is the only copy, right?

Now, was that really necessary?

You insult me, Mr. Thorpe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

Here, take a couple of our cards.

You or a friend ever need our services,

you couldn't do better
than Trotman-Global.

Seventy-four years of reliable
service in the greater New York area.

Wait, wait, wait, let
me get this straight.

You just blackmailed me
for $34,000 and change,

and now you're pitching
your company to me?

Well, it's surprising
sometimes. You know, how...

Stop talking.

Do us both a favor,
Edgerson, and stop talking.

What did I say? Well, he is a putz.

I love your bellybutton.

Thank you.

It's got a friendly, smiley quality.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

You okay?

You seem preoccupied or something.

Well, the fact is, I'm
getting over a shock.

What did I tell you, it's a frame up.

Quiet!

You remember Laura Penney?

The muckity muck from CBS
you've been sucking up to?

I haven't been sucking up to her.

With the overbite and
the mousy brown hair?

Well, she's dead.

Oh, my God. How?

They don't know.

What? Was it an accident?

W
- Was she killed?

Possibly.

I was supposed to have
dinner with her last night.

When I got there...

You found her?

No, no, the police were there.

Oh, baby, what an experience. You okay?

Mmm-hmm.

I don't know. I haven't any idea.

Who do you think did it?

No idea.

Gilbert, what are you saying?

You weren't even there.

I know, but I saw him.

Jay Engle.

Maybe he did it. I bet
they were lovers. He's gay.

Waiter, will you serve the nuts?

Secret lovers. I mean will you serve

the guests the nuts?

He's very gay.

I'm keeping him on the list. Who else?

When did this happen?
Coming up at 11:00,

a bizarre robbery in lower
Manhattan caught on tape.

Didn't you just see her
the other night, too?

A Channel 3 exclusive.

Come again? When was she killed?

Didn't you just see her?

You took her to that screening.

What did you two do afterwards?

I took her home. I
- I came back here.

Are you kidding? No.

You weren't here. Yes, I was.

I called at 11:00. I got your machine.

I was here.

I was screening Top Hat for
that piece that I'm writing.

The machine was on. I heard you.

I bet you're their prime suspect.

Kit, I was here. I was... I-I had...

No, no. I'm just saying,
isn't that bizarre?

The murderer is right in this room.

Sitting at this table.

I know who did it.

Eat something, you fool.

Well, aren't you going
to tell us who it is?

It was the lawyer.

I've seen this before.

I thought if we all had
a little get together

we might be able to find out.

Nice croutons.

Sorry. Yes.

I'm pissed off about two things.

John Edgerson.

It's not just the money.

Well, it is the money,
but it's more than that.

It's being taken advantage of.

Now, I'm the first to admit my
moral position is a bit tenuous,

what with Laura being dead and all.

But two wrongs don't make a right.

This guy is scum.

This is blackmail.

Mr. Thorpe.

It might not be wise having
the two of us seen together.

You turned in your report?

Just now.

There's no going back on it? Mmm-mmm.

I have the only negatives?

Yes.

How do I know that?

Because I'm telling you, that's how.

You paid for the negatives.

You got the negatives. Okay?

Okay, good. Good.

Could I get your professional
opinion on my alibi?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Walk me out? Sure.

Okay. I took Laura to a screening.

Afterwards, we had dinner.

She told me she was frightened

because she believed her husband

had hired someone to murder her.

Well, now.

Now, I don't think you ought
to start making things up.

Well, wait a second.

She told me someone had been
hanging around her building.

I told her she was
just imagining things.

But when I took her home,
she pointed the guy out to me.

I think I could give a pretty
good description of him.

Just what is this?

You told me you entered
her apartment that night.

I wonder if anyone saw you?

I know you moved the body

because you found the
envelope underneath.

Any fingerprints?

Any record of yourself at all?

If you're absolutely sure,
then you're probably safe.

I'll say you did it.

You'll say I did it.

If they believe you, you'll lose
your job for filing a false report.

Probably lose your
license for blackmailing.

Oh, wait, there's
obstruction of justice.

Hmm. That's a bad one.

Mr. Thorpe, you are one
grade A son of a bitch,

you know that?

Yeah. Of course, I could
tell a simpler story, but why?

What would be my motivation?

I don't know.

What would be your motivation?

$34,378, butthead!

Josh Waitzkin in
Searching for Bobby Fisher,

said it better than I ever could.

Check and mate.

Now, here's a dilemma.

Do I return the money
to the bank or do...

Oh, my God.

This guy's harder to lose
than a bladder infection.

Mr. Thorpe?

Now listen.

Oh, hi. How are you, Detective?

You got a minute?

Oh, well, I'm on my way
to a screening. 12:00.

Is that something you could cancel?

Yeah, if it's important.

Okay, the doorman of
her building says that

Miss Penney was concerned about a man

she thought might have
been following her.

Do you know anything about that?

No.

Dark hat, overcoat, tall.

No, she never said
anything to me about it.

You want some water? You look tense.

No, I'm...

How would you feel about
giving us a DNA sample?

Hmm.

Sure. Does it hurt?

No, not usually.

I'm, um, a little
confused. Are we... What...

Am I a suspect?

Well, we have an ongoing problem.

You were the last person
to see Miss Penney alive.

Now, you say that you
didn't go up there.

I didn't.

That you went right home. I did.

But we cannot confirm that.

Do you see what we're faced with here?

Mr. Thorpe?

You ever heard of a detective
agency called Trotman-Global?

No.

Um, what do you got here?

Finally.

Unless he changed his report.

But he said he couldn't do that.

Unless he lied.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

Yeah, it's a little stuffy in here.

Larry. Larry!

I told you to put the
stinking thing out.

I thought you were wearing a patch!

I'm wearing the damn patch!

Um.

What is Trotman-Global?

It's a detective agency.

A private detective?

Well, then he would have
seen me, wouldn't he have?

What's he say in there?

He probably would have seen me
just drop her off and leave, huh?

Maybe.

He-He probably would
have seen me leaving.

And I'm happy to report that he did.

Well. Well, that's a good thing.

For you.

Well, yeah, for me. Not for you.

There is honor among thieves.

But you wanna know what's weird?

I have this overwhelming
urge to confess.

And I don't think it's guilt.

It's just having this enormous
secret, and you can't tell anyone.

Anyone.

Boy, just sitting back here
makes you feel kind of guilty.

Guilty of what?

Well, heck, 1968 to about 1975.

Why-Why are we going to her apartment?

Just look around.

Maybe you'll notice something.

We don't want to
completely rule out robbery,

missing piece of artwork or something.

541.

541, we have officers on
the scene of a confirmed J1.

Requesting units to
729 East 79th street.

The Estonian Embassy.

10-4.

You wanna just drop him off?

We're there. It's only
a couple of blocks.

541 responding as requested.

Look, we got to make this call.

You mind hanging out
with us for a while?

Okay.

If we get hung-up, we'll
do the apartment later.

I'm sorry about this.

They just like us to
get on these things fast.

Register shows everybody
that signed in signed out,

except Signe Lepik, this
morning around 10:30 a. m.

How else can you get
out of here? You can't.

No windows? All barred.

Listen, I'm sorry. This
could drag on a bit.

Why don't you take off? We'll call you.

Okay.

I noticed that, too.

Did you ever see a film
called Pearl of Death?

Raymond Massey.

Basil Rathbone.

You sure? Absolutely.

Basil Rathbone, Nigel Bruce. 1944-45.

Anyway, Sherlock Holmes says,

"When you have
eliminated the impossible,

"whatever remains,
however improbable... "

"Must be the truth. "

So, if a... Am I overstepping my...

No, come on.

Well, if a guy comes into a
room and he doesn't leave...

He must still be in the room.

Larry?

Anything, Larry?

No.

Nothing.

Got a gun! Get her down!

Get her down! Get down!

She's got a gun! She's got a gun!

Get her down!

Get out of here, Terry.

It's elementary.

We got her over here.
Everything's all right.

The world is a dangerous place.

This is the central
theme of the noir film.

The main character walks a cityscape

rife with traps set to destroy him.

Like the great Barbara
Stanwyck in Double Indemnity.

The cast of characters
includes the sleuth,

the victim and the hero, or
more accurately, the anti-hero.

He's not a bad man.

He's a good man tripped up by fate.

These are ordinary men whose small
worlds start to close in on them.

Dramas of claustrophobic desperation.

For next time,

I would like to present for
your viewing edification,

the 1946 MGM classic, The
Postman Always Rings Twice,

and I would like to pose the
following two questions for discussion:

Why in the noir genre
is it always raining,

and what do these
people do during the day?

All right, read the chapters,

go to the movies, and
I'll see you next week.

Speaking of the sleuth, how are you?

Doing good.

Listen, I cannot go to Laura's
apartment today. No way.

I tried calling you.

I've got to record two reviews.

Well, how about Saturday?

Okay. Like 4:00?

Done.

All right.

Well, I've got to...

I'll walk with you.

That was nice detective work yesterday.

Sherlock Holmes.

I told Larry how we figured it out.

I thought he was gonna wet himself.

Well, they say there
are only seven plots,

so I knew it had to be one of them.

You've got a knack
with this murder stuff.

I hope you can help us out
with the Laura Penney case.

Believe me, I'm thinking
about it all the time.

So?

Boy, she was terrific
in this, wasn't she?

Yeah.

What is that, fan mail?

Reviews. Reviews of my reviews.

Oh.

Listen, this may be, uh,
grossly inappropriate,

but, um, would you like to
join us for dinner some night?

You can say no. Dinner?

Yeah, we're movie
fanatics, my wife and I.

She's even worse than I am.

She's a big fan of yours.

I'll give you my home
phone number and...

Boy, that's a... That's a beauty.

Um,

I know you're very busy
and, uh, believe me...

I'd love to.

You would? Absolutely.

Oh, great.

Yeah, we've been here, like,
seven years. We got 10 guys...

It was like being stuck

in one of the sweeter Disney cartoons.

Patricia, I was admiring...

Patricia wasn't at all
difficult to look at.

Oh, no, those are plastic.

Something out of a 1943
issue of Liberty magazine.

But God have mercy if she
wasn't a penance to listen to.

We just always call
it, Chicken Surprise.

You take one medium-sized chicken,

a can of cream of mushroom soup,

a package of...

Are you at all interested in this?

Yes, yes, I cook.

Oh! A package of frozen corn,
or creamed corn, if you prefer.

Then you bake it uncovered,

which is very important,
else it gets all mushy.

Then you sprinkle the
top with onion rings.

And if you don't have that
you could use baco-bits.

Or I suppose you could
even use real bacon.

Ooh, pig in the city.

Oh, baby.

This is what our boys on
Guadalcanal fought and died for.

Terry, you haven't lived

until you've tasted bunny's
pork loin and butter sauce.

Oh, baby.

It's true.

I got to call it like I see it.

Oh.

Beautiful.

It's all hers. She's got the touch.

Those pine trees were
murder, let me tell you.

Oh, there you go.

Thank you, muffin.

I'll leave you boys.

You're a lucky guy there, Fred.

Don't I know it.

Listen, um, while I got you here,

I have some photographs that were
taken by that private investigator

that was following, uh, Laura Penney.

Do you mind if I, uh, run them by you?

Not at all.

You know this guy?

No.

What about him?

Jay Engle, he writes, uh, jingles
or commercials or something.

Oh.

Engle writes jingles.

Was she seeing him?

Do you mean that... No.

No, Jay bats from the
other side of the plate.

He what?

He's gay.

Oh.

And there you are.

That would be me. Yes.

Are you a high test or a decaffeinated?

Uh, decaffeinated.

Was that weird or is it just me?

Did-Did he see that, "How does
it feel to be a murderer" letter?

Are he and Edgerson...

Is that what all this brandy
and Chicken Surprise is about?

What the hell am I doing here?

What does he want from me?

I'm going to take a Xanax.

Look, um, I haven't been totally honest

about why I had you here tonight.

And you...

You probably know what this is about.

I wrote this a couple of years ago.

It's a cop story, surprise, surprise.

And, uh, I know you're very busy.

I know that. I know that.

And it needs a lot of work.

I'm not kidding myself.

And-And you can be
brutally honest with me.

I want you to be.

Terry, brutally honest.

I'll give you the one-liner, okay?

We open on a warehouse at night,

by the river in Brooklyn.

And this is a true story, by the way.

My partner and I actually
went through this.

Taking that Xanax was
actually a bad idea.

By the time I left, I think I'd
not only agreed to co-produce

the Brooklyn Warehouse Murders,

but I'd invited them to my
apartment the following Sunday

to screen a rare print of Gaslight,

which Patricia had always wanted to see.

Hey, forgetting something?

Uh, no.

Hello, hello.

Oh, my... Golly.

That was close.

No rush on that.

But you know what?

It's a good way to keep your eye

on the progress of an investigation.

Keep your finger in
the pie, so to speak.

Hello, Mr. Thorpe.

I hope you're having a good day.

If not, a couple of aspirins
and a warm bath can do wonders.

So, uh, listen, I've reconsidered my
position since the last time we talked

and, um, you know, I realize I
actually have all sorts of options.

You know what I mean?

So, uh, why don't we clear
up this financial matter

as soon as possible, okay?

Give me a call

when you're feeling better.

Bye-bye.

No. Don't touch me.

Thank you very much, but don't touch me.

I'm looking for...

Mr. Thorpe.

I've got it, thank you.

I'm Megan, Mr. Brant's assistant.

Hi. How do you do?

They're running a bit behind,

but I'll do my best to
point him in your direction.

All right, that...

Bad back?

Front and back.

Oh, dear.

Rolling, we're rolling.

I want to go back a couple
of films, Yellow Snow.

What was the significance
of the repeated

appearances of the small black
dog in so many of the shots?

Oh, that frigging dog. That
was Sassi's dog, you know.

What'd she call that damn thing?

Anyhow, Sassi was shacking up
with Kleinberg then, you know.

And Kleinberg must have
left the script lying around

in the john or some damn place.

And Sassi got a hold of it and read it.

She says, "I gotta do this picture. "

So, we're stuck with her.

Rudolph! That's the little dirtbag.

Rudolph!

Frigging dog! Nobody could control it.

Running in and out of shots.

So, finally I said, "I don't give
a rat's ass, roll the camera. "

Got itself run over by
an Oregon State trooper.

That's- That's- That's
really, really interesting.

Yeah! Mr. Brant?

Yes. We're...

No, no, no, no, I left
it in the honey wagon.

You're talking to me?

Flag on the play.

Sorry, sir.

Producer's niece.

I wouldn't mind...

What were we talking about?

Um, Rudolph, the dog.

But can I ask you a
- a different question?

A, um, technique question. Mmm-hmm.

I'm working with a young
filmmaker on his script

and he's having problems
in the third act.

That's the story of my life.

Right. Right.

The hero of this story
is being blackmailed.

So he gets rid of the
evidence against him,

but the blackmailer keeps coming back.

He's bigger than the hero.

He's really, really tall.

Threatens to beat him up, so forth.

The hero did something wrong?

He killed somebody, but that...

Then he's not your hero.

No, no, no, it was an accident.

He didn't mean to. Mmm-hmm.

So the hero is trying to figure out...

I wouldn't call him your hero.

What would you call him?

Who'd he kill? His girlfriend, but...

His girlfriend. He's not your hero.

All right, the guy is trying
to figure out what to do next.

The story sucks.

Tell me about it.

It sucks. You got no good guy.

You got
- You got a blackmailer and a murderer.

It was an accident.

Do they get it in the
end? They gotta get caught.

I'm thinking the blackmailer should.

They both gotta go down.

Take a fall. Otherwise, you got...

What you got is a bummer ending.

Not in America, my friend.

If you wanna do an
art film, go to Warsaw.

They love that crap.

I did a picture once, Kill or be Killed.

Right in the toilet! Big stinker.

Got to have a good guy.

I mean, take the good
pictures, the old days.

The good ones, Gary Cooper,
all those guys. Good guys.

Kill or be Killed is a good picture.

It really is, but I didn't have...

What we were talking about.

A good guy.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Why can't you do it?

'Cause I'm swamped here. Please?

Top drawer. It's labeled "Interviews. "

You owe me, Thorpe. I know, I know.

Uh, uh, call me at the studio.

You owe me big time.

Phone. Thank you.

Hello.

It's me. You want me to fax it to you?

Yeah, just the first couple of pages.

How's the apartment?

It's fine.

Yeah?

You wanna say hello or something?

No, I just... The super was going to...

There's nobody there, right?

Nope.

What's the Boston connection?

How do you mean?

The fax taped to your column.

Taped to the...

Fax that to me, too.

Uh, I'm gonna need that also.

"To Detectives Fred
Stapelli and Larry Gray.

"A friend. Laura Penney. Don't
overlook the Boston connection. "

How in the hell did he
know I'm from Boston?

"A friend. "

It's Edgerson. You see what he's doing?

I can't change my story,
he can't change his story.

But he can lead the cops to me.

I didn't think of this.

Damn!

Slow. Slow down. Slow, slow, slow.

No! Don't stop! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Okay, wait.

Okay, go back, back, back.

Back, back slowly.

All right. Okay, this will do.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Uh, okay, thanks.

How do you like it, you scumbag?

You lowlife!

How do you like it! How about...

Mr. Petrovsky.

I see. You're-You're
fixing the intercom.

That's terrific.

Wow, look what I did to my door.

Well, wait, are you
gonna fix the intercom?

Wait, Mr. Petrovsky, may I
borrow your electric drill?

Son of a bitch.

Let him Hitchcock me.

I'll just Spielberg him right back.

He's standing across from this guy

in a dorky fishing
hat at the next window.

Who-Who was this?

Scotty, next door.

He was standing right beside
this guy who was robbing the bank.

Oh, my God, that would look good on me.

Yeah, yeah, it would. Did he...

What kind of a guy was he?

He was... What?

He was some bank robber. He was...

Oh, he had his mouth stuffed.

He was doing this bad Marlon
Brando Godfather imitation.

Hold on. Hold on, Kit,
I got to go in here.

Uh, get some razor blades.

Would you get us some ice cream?

I
- Ice cream? We just had a huge dessert.

No, no, not for now. For later.

You've got ice cream.

I don't like that kind. You bought it.

Will you just please go get
us some ice cream, please?

You are getting stranger
and stranger, Thorpe.

Sorry, sorry, the traffic was murder.

Thanks for coming. No problem.

No smoking in the hallway.

I told you.

Thanks.

You know, it's, uh, helpful to have
somebody who knew the apartment here.

Take a look around. Anything missing?

Anything out of the ordinary?

I don't think so. I'm not sure I'd know.

What part of Boston did
you say you were from?

I... I didn't say.

Outside the city. Newton.

Any of her other friends from Boston?

I have no idea.

You a jogger?

Uh, yeah.

Are those mine?

They have your initials on them.

They are mine.

Why were they here?

I... I must have left them here.

Let me think, I went jogging with
her three or four Sundays ago.

That's right. That's right.

I must have left them here.

Can I have these back?

So you ran together,

you went to screenings together,
had dinner. Anything else?

No, I...

That's about it.

Sit down.

Was she any good?

How do you mean?

The old boom-boom.
The horizontal tango.

How long were you two
sleeping together, Terry?

And more importantly why
did you lie to us about it?

I'm seeing this girl. Kit Wannamaker.

This could be really awkward.

I'm really serious about this girl.

Listen to me, my friend.
Miss Kitty asks you something,

you can tell her any
freaking thing you want to.

But when we ask you, you tell
us the truth. Are we clear?

Clear. You sure about that?

Good.

Now. Maybe we should
go over all this again.

When was the first time
that you met Laura Penney?

Three years ago.

Every year I do a year-end wrap up.

In the words of Sam Butler,
"Any fool can tell the truth,

"it requires a man of some
sense to tell a lie well. "

They grilled me on my story
at least three more times.

But I've watched this scene in
enough films to keep a cool head.

Remember that big snow storm...

Even with this minor rewrite, I
had my plot points firmly in place.

Come on, Fred, pick up a
mitt and get back in the game.

The P.I. cleared him.

He could have dropped her
off and then come back.

He's from Boston. He was boffing
her on the sly, he's a suspect.

The doorman would have
seen him come back.

A service entrance, a back door.

He's not the guy.

You tell him, Fred.

Would you get your nose out of his butt?

What's the matter with you,
inviting him over for dinner?

Is this about that stupid screenplay?

What are you doing?

Don't you have any friends to play with?

That's what this is about!

*

I'm off. Come and kiss me goodbye.

Where's my... Oh, here it is.

Is this your idea of safe sex?

What's with all the locks?

The building is falling apart.

The intercom doesn't work.

Bye, Thorpe.

Bye-bye, Laura.

I know I'm stating the
obvious. But generally speaking,

it's bad form to call the girl

you've just slept
with by the wrong name.

What are you talking about?

You called me Laura.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

I did not. You did.

Bye. You're crazy.

I know I did.

When you're caught red-handed
like that, absolutely deny it.

I learned that from politicians.

But seriously, slip-ups like that

could get me in a lot of trouble.

*

You stand-stand back!

How in the hell did you get in here?

Oh, Mr. Thorpe, it's my business.

You wanna see how I'm gonna
take that knife away from you?

Hello. Terry, it's Fred Stapelli.

Hello, Lieutenant.

Well, I'm hung up here.

You-You and Patricia go ahead and
screen the film. I just can't get away...

That's
- That's okay, I'll see you real soon.

No, just Patricia. I-I can't.

I understand.

Sorry about this.

That's okay. Thank you for calling.

That was Detective Fred Stapelli,

who is coming over here any moment.

If I were you, I would
get the hell out of here.

Okay.

Take deep breaths.

I know that hurts. Come on.

That's it. You're doing great.

Just try to put your
mind on something else.

There you go.

Uh, I'll go first.
You catch your breath.

This, um, cat and mouse
game we've been playing?

It's getting old.

Those faxes to the police, though...

That was very clever.

But, um...

When push comes to shove,
Mr. Thorpe, you're gonna lose.

Because the fact of the matter is

you killed somebody and I didn't.

Now, considering all the time and
effort that I've put into this,

I think $40,000 is more than fair.

I'll take, uh, $34,000
now, which I know you have.

And I'll come back in, uh,
two days for the balance.

Go to hell.

Okay.

You little putz.

You think you can play with me?

You are so over your head.

I was a cop for 22 years.

I could make one phone call
and you'd be gone before lunch.

You're messing with
the wrong guy, pally.

You're gonna give me my $40,000.

The only question is, what you're
gonna look like when you do.

And that girlfriend of yours.

What's her name? Kit?

I know a guy who'd just eat her up.

Okay, okay, okay! Don't shoot!

I'm gonna give you the money.

I got
- I got $20,000 here, now. Okay, just...

Okay, I'm gonna go get it.

Well now, that makes a lot of sense.

All right.

Um, I'm sorry about the couch.

I hate doing business like this.

It's, uh... It's really not my nature.

Plus the fact it isn't good for me.

I've got a... I've got a bad stomach.

The doctor says it isn't
serious, but I've got to give up,

uh, coffee, tomatoes...

Oh, boy!

You know, anything acidic.

In for a penny. In for a pound.

Listen, I've got to be
uptown the day after tomorrow.

How about I come by for the
balance say, um, 4:00, 4:30?

If that's not convenient, of
course, I could come later.

Oh, perfect! Right on time.

Come on up, second floor!

What have I done? What have I done?

What have I done?

No!

Be right there.

Hello. Hello. Yum, what's that?

Oh, it's just a little
snack for the movie.

Pineapple Marshmallow Treat.

Yum! Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

Come all the way in.

Fred called.

Oh. Yes, I know. They work him so hard.

You know, you'd think even on Sunday

the good Lord took a day of rest.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I've seen all these movies.

Sorry?

The posters. I've
seen every one of them.

I like your, um, apartment.

It feels very smart in here.

Uh, smart?

You know, with all the books and stuff.

Well, shall we to the movies?

Did you save me a seat?

Elizabeth!

Oh!

Elizabeth!

Elizabeth!

Elizabeth! Elizabeth! Elizabeth!

Just coming, Mum.

What is it, Mum.

We shouldn't.

I want you to help me.

Let me come here and
see you and talk to you.

Perhaps I can help somehow.

You're very kind.

Well.

I love your bellybutton.

It's nice, isn't it?

Oops. Movie's over.

This was a day for the record books.

I guess you better fill me
in on the ending of Gaslight.

Yes. Yes. Excellent. Um...

Charles Boyer was the guy in the attic.

And the jewels were in the dress.

In the desk?

No, no. This is...
This... No. I-In the...

This is where...

We have to go over this in detail.

Teach me, Daddy.

Teach me about the jewels.

You ready?

We're just gonna sit in traffic.

No, no, no, it's going
the other direction.

All right.

Hey, where are you off to?

The island. Quick few days.

Terry, Scott. Scott, Terry.

Scotty's subletting John's apartment.

Hey, I know you. Right?

No. No.

Terry's a critic on TV.

Cable.

Oh. I don't get cable.

You don't work out at
the club up on 57th?

Nope.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Get the...

Can you control your dog, please?

Walter, here. Walter.

Get your dog. Can't you handle your dog?

Walter, here. Walter.

Scott's the guy who
was in the bank robbery.

Really?

Yeah. It's completely bizarre.

Come on, let's go.

We're just gonna sit in traffic.

Have fun, you two.

Bye.

I like Kit.

She's a get-up-and-go,
ready-for-anything kind of gal.

Gal. That's a great word. My gal.

This is someone you wanna
take home to the folks.

Why don't you marry that gal?

I'd marry Kit only: A,
I don't feel like it,

and B, hmm, refer to A.

I don't think I'm the marrying kind.

But then again, who can say?

I've been surprising
myself a lot lately.

I'll get the bags. I'll help you.

No, no, just-just go open up.

All right.

This was a good idea, Thorpe.

Great idea.

Come on, give us a kiss. No.

Give us a kiss. Please, give us a kiss.

Stop, stop, stop.

Look at my dorsal fin, it's
hard as Chinese algebra.

Cut it out!

You're a Pisces, aren't you?

Oh, yes. Let me look down there.

Oh, look what you did. Stop.

Yuck, stinky fish!

Don't worry.

I know this looks like
a scene out of Notorious.

I'm not Claude Rains.

I'm more like John
Cassavetes in Rosemary's Baby.

I just need some time to myself.

Kit?

Kit?

I know what you're thinking.

You're right. It's disgusting.

I just couldn't get him
down the stairs in one piece.

Would you find me contemptible
if I were to admit to you

that something positive has
come out of all this recent

unpleasantness?

One of the occupational
hazards of being a film critic

is that one finds oneself
living vicariously.

The filmmakers create their stories,

the actors live them,

and even the characters act
upon their dreams and passions

as I sit at my computer,

passively commenting upon them.

But not now. Not tonight.

I can honestly say I've
never felt more alive.

I have found in myself

resources and strengths
I never knew I possessed.

"Who would have thought the old
man to have so much blood in him?

"All the perfumes of Arabia
will not sweeten this little hand

"Out, damn spot

"Out... "

Oh, you scared me!

You scared me.

What are you doing up?

It's 5:00 in the morning.

Taking a shower.

Why?

I was dirty. Can't sleep.

Oh. I conked out.

That's okay. Wanna come in?

Okay.

Is it my imagination or are
you getting weirder and weirder?

Well,

who's the one in the shower
with all her clothes on?

Terry, hey, there. It's
Fred Stapelli. Um...

Listen, do you wanna meet me tonight?

Get some dinner around 7:00?

There is a place I like,
Parducci's, on Mulberry.

So, give me a call at the office.

Okay, that's it.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Hey, there he is.

Hey. Hey.

Joey, Joey, this is the guy I was
telling you about, Terry Thorpe.

You recognize him now? No.

He knows nothing. Sit down.

You like Chianti?

I ordered some focaccia, some
mussels to get us started.

Good.

This place is keeping
my marriage together.

I stop here on my way home.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you tasted her cooking.

Don't get me wrong. I
mean I'm crazy in love.

She's, you know, she's...

Oh, she's
- She's...

She's killing me with the casseroles

and the-the marshmallows alone.

What's this?

An anonymous tip.

Some wacko?

Well...

This one came from a
bodega on East 91st.

We showed them some pictures.
They didn't recognize anyone.

These came from a convenience
store on, uh, Amsterdam and 75th.

We showed them pictures,
they picked one out.

You.

Me? They picked me out?

Yeah, you.

75th and Amsterdam.

Well, I... I fax from there.

You don't have a fax machine?

Yeah, I've got a fax machine.

I
- I broke it trying to get the freaking paper out.

Hmm.

Who did you fax?

Um...

My agent, uh, publisher. You know.

So, they would have these faxes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

I did a-a deal memo.

They'd have that. Absolutely.

Terry?

Help me out here!

All right, you're good at this.

Was it, you know, jealousy?

We talked to your girlfriend,
Catherine Wannamaker.

You talked to Kit?

Yeah, we didn't tell her anything.

So don't
- Don't worry.

But, uh, she was out with
clients that night, ironclad.

The ex-husband?

Money? Maybe.

He-He doesn't have a pot to piss in,

which is strange because
he's a potter, literally.

He-He makes pots.

So he wants to get alimony.
He hires a private detective,

wants to get dirt on her.

I wasn't dirt enough?

Apparently not.

Anyway, he was at some
wedding in Pennsylvania.

Well, what about, like,
um, a contract killer?

Uh, an insurance...

What? No, no, no, no. Come on.

She hit her head on a coffee table.

She got in a fight with some guy. Right?

He loses his temper, clocks her,

she's down, out, goodbye.

He panics and runs off.

You know, I usually don't like mussels.

Oh, yeah, it's the parsley.

Who else? Um, the private detective? No.

No, he had opportunity but no motive.

Wait a minute.

What about someone in her building?

A neighbor or something like that.

What about the private detective?

What about him?

Blackmail.

How do you mean?

He got something on Laura.

He goes to sell it back to her.

She gets squirrelly.

He gets mad, and boom!

Or woosh. Yeah.

I see what you're saying. Maybe.

I don't know. Maybe.

It could be.

It could be, I don't know.

Did you talk to the police?

Hello to you, too.

Did you? Yes.

Why didn't you tell me?

You just got here.

We talked on the phone.

For two seconds.

The only reason they're talking
to you is because you know me.

Don't you think that
would be interesting to me?

They asked me about Laura.

They asked me about you.

They asked me where I
was that night. The end.

What's going on?

I'm
- I'm surprised that Stapelli talked to you, that's all.

What did you say about me?

That we were dating.

And?

That your omelets are
consistently a disappointment.

I don't think this is funny.

Until they catch this guy,

I think we have to deal with
this with just a little more...

Did you kill Laura Penney?

Did I... No!

Well, I didn't either.

So let's not worry about it, okay?

Now, would you like a drink?

Yes.

Shall I serve that in the hall?

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! I am so late.

You want some coffee?

I've got to tape a review in 30 minutes.

I haven't written it yet.

I think I'll pass on coffee.

You must be tired,
you were up all night.

No, I'm all right.

Hey, is that all you're wearing?

It's awful out there.
Here, uh, wear this.

No, I don't need that.
I don't wanna wear that.

Yeah, I get maternal
once a decade. Indulge me.

Have a nice day at work, dear.

Oh, hey, pal.

Hey, I just wanted to, uh...

Oh, my God.

Hi there, muffin.

I found a film I think
you're going to like.

MGM, 1936, Love on the Run.

No, no, no, no!

See you at 3:00, pookie.

This is one engagement
I should never have made.

Don't you think?

If you had to choose between
root canal without anesthesia

or sitting through this
abomination of a film,

may I suggest you run, do not
walk, to your nearest dentist.

This is Terry Thorpe at the movies.

I'll save you a seat,
but not for this one.

Lance, Jane.

Wow. Pretty strong feelings there.

You know, I-I saw this with my daughter

and we actually thought
it was quite fun.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Right. Uh, police are
asking for your help today

locating a suspect in
a murder investigation.

Laura Penney, an executive at
CBS, was found dead two weeks ago

in her Upper East Side apartment.

Police are looking for
this man, John Edgerson,

a private detective working for the firm

Trotman-Global, here in Manhattan.

If you have any information

please call
1-800-555-0199

or your local police authority.

When we come back, have
you had an encounter

with a rodent in our subway system?

Track Rats, a Channel 9 exclusive
investigation, coming up.

We're out.

Look, Terry, I didn't mean to
step on your toes there. I just...

I mean, don't you think you
were a little bit excessive?

I mean, all of that root canal...

Oh, Jane, don't worry about it.

That's what makes horse races.

Oh, my God! A- A-Am
I smudged? Make up!

Do you have anything smaller than...

Damn.

Fred! Fred Stapelli!

What the hell are you doing here?

Did I wake you up? You napping?

No. I-I thought you were the Chinese.

I ordered takeout.

Can I come in?

Inside? Yeah, heck, yeah. Come on. Yeah.

Thank you.

Well, we're batting 1,000, you and me.

I... Oh.

Whoops.

Excuse me.

I'll get out of your hair.

I don't want to, uh,
interrupt your work.

But I thought you might
be interested in this.

That P.I., Edgerson,
was a cop for 22 years,

thrown off the force for extortion.

In '93 he's charged, but
not convicted, of blackmail.

No. And the kicker?

We found a partial print on the floor

by her body, matches Edgerson.

What does Edgerson say?

He ain't saying nothing.

He took off, we can't find him.

But I-I think he's our guy.

Well, I am so relieved this is over.

Oh, thank God. Yeah.

Well, I'll let you, uh, get
your nose back to the grindstone.

And, uh, I'll stay in touch.

Okay.

Wait, wait! No, no, wait, wait.

Go back, go back, go back.

Yeah?

I don't mean to bug you,

but, uh, did you have a chance
to, uh, read my screenplay?

Fred, I'm sorry. I've been
under so many deadlines. I...

I know, I know you're swamped,

but, uh, something I didn't mention.

Robert Lansing read it and he
responded very favorably to it.

Robert Lansing? Yeah.

Robert Lansing is dead, Fred.

Oh, yeah, I know, this
was before he died.

Right.

Okay. Well, when you get the chance.

You bet. Okay. All right.

Wait. No, no, be quiet. Let's talk.

Doesn't it make you hot almost
getting caught like that?

No, no, I'd have to say no.

It makes me hot. Take this off.

No, don't take this
off. Wait. I don't know.

No. Leave that on. Leave it on. Listen.

This is so exciting!

No, no, listen to me. It's
- It's not exciting.

Listen. Listen to me. What?

That was a bad thing.
That was a bad thing.

Now listen to me, I think
we just have to be careful,

just for a little while, just
until the investigation is over.

Why?

Because, Fred and I,
we talk all the time.

I'm like his advisor or something.

And-And you can't call me here anymore.

I can't call you?

No. Yes, you can call me,
but you can't leave a message.

What if... Look, I think for
a while, we just got to...

You don't want to see me anymore.

No. I do want to see you.

Just not for a while.

Just until...

I understand.

No, oh, now. Muffin,
don't look like that.

I understand. No, wait...

Hey, I've got something
that you are going to love.

These are outtakes from Showgirls.

Should have kept this
and dumped the movie.

Oh, honey.

Don't act like that.

Come on.

Muffin, open the door.

It's just for a little while.

Open the door, pookie.

I am so, so sorry. I was just...

Whoa, don't even ask. Are you okay?

You sounded really spooked on the phone.

Uh, could I get a Scotch, on the rocks.

A double, please.

So what's going on? Tell me.

You were sleeping with Laura Penney.

I...

Are you asking me?

Why did you need money
that day in my office?

In your office?

$13,000.

I...

What is this?

Why did you take the boat out? The boat?

You took the boat out in
the middle of the night?

I took... What are you talking about?

You didn't tie it up right, Terry.

It got loose. The caretaker called me.

Why did you take the boat out?

I... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I wanted this straight up.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said rocks.

No, I did not. Did I?
Did I say rocks? I...

Well, leave that one.

And please bring me another one.

Straight up. And some
ice, please. Thank you.

And an aspirin, if you had it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Now, start all over again.

What are you asking me?

What movie were you
screening that night?

What night?

The night Laura Penney was killed.

I told you.

Tell me again.

Topper.

You told me Top Hat.

No, I didn't. Now, wait a second.

Where are you going?

Wait, Kit, help me out here.

I'm not tracking this.

He recognized you, Terry.

Scotty saw you in the bank.

Here you go. Sorry
about the drink mix up.

This isn't me.

How did you get in here?

With the key that you gave me.

Let's... Let's just talk for a minute.

Okay?

The money.

I found a car.

An Austin Healey, like we saw that time.

You remember?

I was a little short of
cash. I had to move fast.

I wanted to buy it for you.

It was a stupid idea and I feel foolish.

And I was screening Top Hat, not Topper.

You were absolutely right. I was wrong.

Top Hat, Topper, Topkapi,
Top of the World, Top Gun,

I've seen them all.

I got my "Tops" confused.

Now, your boat.

You got me there. I haven't a clue.

Ask the caretaker.
Ask the neighbor kids.

If someone took your
boat, ask the police.

I didn't take your boat.

I want you to leave.

Kit. Please, leave.

Don't do this, Kit. I'm begging you.

Terry.

Please.

You don't want to do this.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Hello.

Scotty, c-come right over.

It's an emergency. Right now.

Uh, he's coming, Terry.

I... I'll help you.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear God.

Kit? What... What's... You okay?

Oh, no.

Is this about...

Did you tell him?

Oh, God, Kit. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

They caught him. They...

That's why I was calling you.

They caught the guy.
It was just on the news.

What guy? The bank guy?

Yeah.

They caught the guy who robbed the bank?

Well, he looked like...

Scotty, you idiot! You...

I know.

You said that... You idiot!

With the hat and everything...

Oh, Terry!

I told you.

Oh, I'm so...

I didn't know what to think.

You've been acting so freaky lately.

Scotty!

He confessed, huh?

Yeah, to a slew of them. Like 30 banks.

I mean, he does look a lot like you.

I am so sorry. This is so embarrassing.

Scotty, go home.

As a material witness, you suck.

I know, I know.

Thank God we didn't call the police.

In my business, Scotty is
known as the deus ex machina.

Oh, Terry.

Don't speak.

Don't speak.

How can I ever...

I'll show you.

All right. But then who the
hell was messing with my boat?

There's nothing like New York

on a clear, crisp morning
after a good cleansing rain.

*

I feel as if a great oppressive
shadow has just lifted from me.

This is a modern ending.

Perhaps an ending that
cab driver could endorse.

I mean, what is a hero after
all in this day and age?

I'm not saying I'm
proud of what I've done.

Well, that's not entirely
true. I am proud of my...

Well, resourcefulness.

I think I've demonstrated,
not to toot my own horn,

but I have shown a fair
amount of creativity

under some pretty tough circumstances.

Which actually leads me to
question my future in criticism.

I love taking charge. Being proactive.

Hell, I bet I've even got a novel in me.

Why not?

What is there to be afraid of?

Which is another important life
lesson that's come of all of this.

Relationships.

Like Kit. That's one great gal.

I think I've been
taking her for granted.

Could I settle down with her someday?

A couple of kids, a farm in
Connecticut, miles of white fences?

Maybe. Maybe so.

Why not?

We are only limited by our
resourcefulness and our imaginations.

I think Orson Welles said it best,

"Leap and the net will appear. "

Or was that Winston Churchill?

Well, someone said it.

* Just remember the
last laugh is on you *

Terry Thorpe.

Wait a second...

You're under arrest for
the murder of Laura Penney.

You have the right to remain silent

and refuse to answer any questions.

You think I don't know
the Miranda Decision?

It's only been re-aired about 85 times.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand.

Fred, what's going on here?

We got a tip.

Someone saw you entering the back door

of Laura Penney's apartment that night.

What back door? Who?

It was an anonymous tip.

Oh, come on! Well, it's
a lie. Fred it's a lie!

What's going on here?

Do you recognize this?

No!

This is the key to the back
door of her apartment building.

We found this in your desk.

Oh, come on!

I've never seen that
key before in my life.

This was in your desk.

Well, then someone put it there!

We don't think so. What?

I'll take him downstairs.

Fred, wait a second. I'm being framed,

obviously. Don't you see that?

You dropped this.

It was under my bed.

Fred, I swear to you, I have
never been in your bedroom.

Tell me my wife's a liar.

Come on, Terry.

Fred, I-I don't mean to
tell you how to do your job,

but you're never going to
convict me with that stupid key.

Her blood was found on your shoes.

Her blood is not on my shoes.

It will be.

Fred.

Fred, this is beneath you.

You have too much integrity.

If you pin this murder on me, you're
letting her killer go. Don't you care?

No.

So what are you doing tonight?

Patricia and I are gonna try
this new Italian place up on 53rd.

Hey.

No, no, go to Marino's.

Hey, Fred.

I don't like Marino's.

No, no, Marino's is good.

Just tell them not
to use so much garlic.

I read your screenplay. It's garbage.

It's dreck.

It sucked!

Know where else is good? Tony's.

Down by the water?

Yeah.

Excellent.

Mmm-hmm.

But it's a schlep.

If you're going to commit a
murder, and I don't recommend it,

one thing you should definitely not do

is sleep with the
investigating officer's wife.

It just makes for a lot of
unnecessary complications.

*

* If life seems jolly rotten

* There's something you've forgotten *

* And that's to laugh and
smile and dance and sing *

* When you're feeling in the dumps *

* Don't be silly chumps

* Just purse your lips and whistle *

* That's the thing

* So always look on

* The bright side of death

* Just before you draw
your terminal breath *

* Some things in life are bad *

* They can really make you mad *

* Other things just make
you swear and curse *

* When you're chewing
on life's gristle *

* Don't grumble, give a whistle *

* This'll help things
turn out for the best *

* Always look on the
bright side of life *

* Life's a counterfeit
When you look at it *

* Life's a laugh and
death's a joke, it's true *

* You'll see it's all a show
Keep them laughing as you go *

* But just remember the
last laugh is on you *

* Always look on the
bright side of life *

* Always look on the
bright side of life *

* Always look on the
bright side of life *