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~~
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( HUMMING )
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( WHISTLING ALONG TO TUNE )
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~ You're a Shakespeare sonnet ~
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~ You're somebody's bonnet ~
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~ You're Mickey Mouse
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Boy, that Irving Berlin
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sure knew how to write 'em, didn't he?
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Uh, Cole Porter.
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You sure it wasn't Berlin?
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Porter.
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I could've swore Irving wrote that.
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Then who wrote White Christmas?
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Irving Berlin.
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Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha ha!
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I always get those two songs mixed up.
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It's a good thing I don't need an ear for music.
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I'm in ladies' underwear.
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Oh?
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Is that all you're gonna say, is, "Oh?"
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What else am I supposed to say?
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Usually, when I give somebody a zinger
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like "I'm in ladies' underwear",
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any guy with any kind of sense of humor at all
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could make a pretty good joke out of it.
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You gotta have a sense of humor to stay in business today.
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What do you do for a living?
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I write jokes.
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( LAUGHS )
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You write jokes? Ha ha ha!
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You could've fooled me.
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I'm a television writer.
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No kiddin'? Hey, I never met a writer before.
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How are you? What show are you on?
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The Alan Brady Show.
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Oh, that's a great show.
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The Alan Brady Show is a great show.
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You see it often? Never watch it.
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You just said-- My wife and kids watch it all the time.
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Heh heh heh! They've got more time for T.V. than I have.
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Here they are.
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How's that? 12, 10, 8, 6,
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4, 2 1/2...
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And four months. Ha ha ha!
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Not bad for a traveling salesman, huh?
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Not bad? I'd say it was perfect.
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So you're a joke writer, huh?
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Well, you sure missed a great chance
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when I said, "I'm in ladies' underwear."
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Afraid I'm just not up to par today.
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You mean Jack, of course, huh? Hmm?
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You said, "I'm not up to par." I said, "Jack".
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You get it? Jack Paar. It's kind of a play on words.
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Oh, yeah. huh.
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You know, this is nothing personal, you understand,
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but you don't seem like a very funny man to me.
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You're kind of the serious type.
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I'm afraid I have a bit of a headache today.
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You had a fight with the missus, right?
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How'd you know that?
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You've got that guilty look on you.
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I have? Yeah.
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Ain't it funny the way your wife can make you feel you're wrong,
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when all the time, in your heart, you know you're right?
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Say, you must know my wife.
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No, but I know my own. They're all alike.
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What did you do?
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It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.
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What didn't you do?
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Or is that stepping on personal territory?
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Well-- Ah, come on. Talk about it.
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Get it off your chest. It'll do you good.
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Besides, I've read all the magazines.
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( LAUGHS )
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You know, by gosh, I'd like to talk about it.
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Feel free. Well...
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Maybe you can convince me that I'm not a liar
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and a rotten husband and an irresponsible father.
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Boy, whatever you didn't do,
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I think you should've done it.
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What was it exactly?
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Maybe I'd better start from the beginning.
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Take your time.
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Yesterday, I didn't even know I had a problem.
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I was trying to get my staff to do a little work for a change,
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and Buddy-- One of the writers...
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Hey, it's pretty near 4:00.
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Why don't we knock off for a while?
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The sketch is almost done,
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and the kid'll be here with the coffee.
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Hang on a minute. We may get a good idea
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before he gets here.
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Impossible, Rob. You know I can't work
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when I can smell coffee coming.
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Yeah, it's about two blocks away.
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BUDDY: Hey, how about a little card trick?
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Any card at all. It's a beauty.
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I'm in no mood for magic. I want to get back to work.
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Go ahead, we'll watch you.
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Rob, why don't you do some exercise?
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How about doing your pushups?
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I did my pushups this morning. 20 of 'em.
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20? You did-- Come on, nobody can do 20 pushups.
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If he said he did, he did.
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Let's not embarrass our chief.
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You've seen me do them every morning
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for two years now.
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I never counted. You ever count, Sally?
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I never watch him do pushups.
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I can't stand to see the veins stick out on his temples.
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I know what you guys are doing. You're just stalling.
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All right, we're stalling.
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But I still don't think you can do 20 pushups.
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I'll make a deal with you. If I do 20 pushups,
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will you two guys go back to work?
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Okay. It's a deal.
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This I gotta see.
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How about some artificial respiration?
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Well, there's none so far.
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One. One.
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Never. Two.
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Oh, he's tired already.
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Snacky service! Three coffees,
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a prune yogurt and a danish. $1.15.
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I got no money, Sally. How about you?
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Never.
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Rob, you got any loot?
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Six. in my side pocket.
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All righty. Seven.
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How much did you say that was?
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$1.15. $1.15.
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Here's $2. He's a very big tipper.
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ROB: Eight.
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What's with him?
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He claims he can do 20.
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Oh, yeah? Hey, skinny!
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$2 you don't make it.
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13. you're on.
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I'll hold the money. I'll hold the coffee.
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( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )
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Veins sticking out on his temples yet?
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Like Charles Boyer.
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His chest ain't touching the floor.
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Then the floor is touching his chest. He's doin' it.
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He's cheating. His elbows are bent.
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18! He's got bent elbows!
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19!
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I wonder if--
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Hi, Mel. What are you doing?
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Paying for the pushups-- Uh, coffee!
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One, two, three, four. Right!
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$4 for coffee and danish pastry?
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It's real danish. He flies it in from Denmark.
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Rob, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
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Not at all, Mel.
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Speak for yourself, Rob. I can't even drink coffee
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with Goldilocks around.
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Curdles the cream.
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Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
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Oh! Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anyplace.
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Mel, what can we do for you? Have your coffee.
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There's a young girl singer making her debut
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on a local Washington Station tomorrow,
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and Alan would like you to go there and do some talent scouting.
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Sure, I'd love to go. Ah, fine.
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Hey, wait a minute. Tomorrow morning's bad for me.
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How about the next day? I'm afraid not.
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Every T.V. station in town
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will be sending a scout down there,
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and we don't want them to beat us to the punch.
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How about letting Buddy go?
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Yeah, how about letting Buddy go?
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We want an opinion we can respect.
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That does it. I quit!
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Where's the resignation I dictated the other day?
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I'll show this guy. All right. Here.
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"I hereby tender my resignation
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as writer on the Alan Brady Sh--"
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Rob, he signed your name.
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Sure, you think Rob is gonna work for a producer
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who insults one of his staff?
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Rob, what's the trouble? Why can't you go?
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Well, it's a family problem, Mel.
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My kid's gonna be in the school play tomorrow morning,
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and I promised him I'd be there.
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A kid's play? Is that all?
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I want to be there.
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Ritchie's gonna be the main bunny.
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Main bunny?
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Well, maybe it isn't important to you, but it's important to me.
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Your sense of responsibility to your child is laudable,
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but you also have a sense of responsibility
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to Alan Brady and the show.
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I promised Laura I'd go. I'm not trying to shirk--
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Rob, I had a budget meeting the other night.
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My wife tried to get me to take her dancing.
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Now, I love to dance, and I love my wife,
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but I realized I had a duty to Alan Brady and the show.
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I told her so.
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She tried every way imaginable to get me to take her dancing.
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But I had to make her realize
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that I was her husband, not a puppet.
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She was not just going to pull strings
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and make me dance.
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Did I go dancing?
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No. No, I stayed here
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and had that budget meeting,
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and Mrs. Cooley stayed home...alone.
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You know, Mel... I'd like to cry.
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I'd like to give him a rap right in the mouth.
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Come on, will you settle down, please?
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Mel, why couldn't I go tomorrow afternoon?
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She goes on the air at 1:00.
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And Al would be very upset if she made her debut on someone else's show.
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Yeah, you're right. All right, tell him I'll go.
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Ah, fine. And if you want Buddy to go,
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we'll be glad to get another ticket.
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One-way, of course.
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Someday he's gonna get a big, fat lip
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to go with that fat head of his.
222
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Who's going to give it to me?
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Sally.
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( PLAYS NOTE ) ~ You're the top
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~ You're the Tower of Pisa ~
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~ You're the top
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~ You're the Mommy Lisa
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No, honey, that's "Mona Lisa", not "Mommy Lisa".
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Do it once more from the beginning.
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Okay. ~ You're the top
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~ You're the Tower of Pisa ~
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~ You're the top, you're the Mona Lisa ~
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~ I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop ~
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~ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ~
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~ You're the top
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Hey, hey! Encore!
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I need an encore.
238
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Daddy, did you bring anything?
239
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How about--let's see.
240
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Um, half a stick of gum?
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Yay!
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Hi, honey. Hi.
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Shouldn't you be laboring over a hot stove?
244
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It's dinnertime. It was a toss-up
245
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between broiling your lamb chops
246
00:10:09,550 --> 00:10:10,852
or sewing Ritchie's bunny costume,
247
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and your lamb chops lost.
248
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Well, what won?
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Beans and franks, okay?
250
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Yay! My favorite.
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Daddy, want to hear me sing "You're the Top?"
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No, Daddy's gonna hear you sing it tomorrow.
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He's going to be in the audience.
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Well, it wouldn't hurt
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to hear it now, just in case.
256
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No, you'll hear it tomorrow.
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Ritchie, go get ready for bed.
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You be sure and brush your teeth.
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Where should I put my gum?
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I don't know. Where do you usually put your gum?
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Here! Ritchie!
262
00:10:37,378 --> 00:10:39,881
Okay, Mommy.
263
00:10:39,914 --> 00:10:41,983
You run along now.
264
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,352
Okay!
265
00:10:44,385 --> 00:10:46,787
How'd he get so cute?
266
00:10:46,821 --> 00:10:49,390
Your mother says you were just like him when you were a little boy.
267
00:10:49,423 --> 00:10:51,392
I'm surprised she said that. Why?
268
00:10:51,425 --> 00:10:53,227
I think I'm cuter.
269
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:54,795
Give me a kiss.
270
00:10:54,829 --> 00:10:56,597
Never kiss egomaniacs.
271
00:10:56,631 --> 00:10:58,966
How about hungry husbands? Them I feed.
272
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,302
Need a hand?
273
00:11:01,335 --> 00:11:02,870
Yeah, would you open this for me?
274
00:11:02,904 --> 00:11:05,239
That bunny costume kept me pretty busy today.
275
00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:07,608
Yeah. Boy, I sure would give anything
276
00:11:07,642 --> 00:11:09,443
if I could see him in it.
277
00:11:09,477 --> 00:11:12,380
Rob, are you trying to tell me something,
278
00:11:12,413 --> 00:11:14,549
like you don't plan to be there tomorrow?
279
00:11:14,582 --> 00:11:17,351
Well, honey, I was planning on being there, but--
280
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:20,855
Oh, rob, don't tell me you're gonna miss Ritchie's school play again.
281
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:22,657
Again? What do you mean, again?
282
00:11:22,690 --> 00:11:24,292
I've never missed any of his plays.
283
00:11:24,325 --> 00:11:26,394
Yes, you have. When?
284
00:11:26,427 --> 00:11:28,663
I don't remember when, but you have.
285
00:11:28,696 --> 00:11:30,965
Honey, I haven't missed any of his performances.
286
00:11:30,998 --> 00:11:32,867
I was there on the Spring Pageant
287
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,437
when he played the sick butterfly.
288
00:11:36,470 --> 00:11:41,342
I remember the one where he played the poisoned mushroom.
289
00:11:41,375 --> 00:11:43,878
You didn't see him when he played the mean elm tree.
290
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:46,314
The mean-- Yes, I did too.
291
00:11:46,347 --> 00:11:49,250
Remember how nervous we were when his bark kept peeling off?
292
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:53,988
You see? I've seen every one of his performances.
293
00:11:54,021 --> 00:11:57,925
No, you haven't. You didn't see him when he played Hamlet.
294
00:11:57,959 --> 00:12:00,962
Hamlet? Yeah, see? You missed his Hamlet.
295
00:12:00,995 --> 00:12:02,797
When was that?
296
00:12:02,830 --> 00:12:05,333
Last year at the kindergarten Shakespeare Festival.
297
00:12:07,368 --> 00:12:09,437
No, honey, you told me I could miss that one.
298
00:12:09,470 --> 00:12:11,839
You said all he did was come out there holding the skull.
299
00:12:11,872 --> 00:12:14,342
Well, this time he's a bunny, the main bunny.
300
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:16,410
And I should think you'd want to be there.
301
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,079
Honey, I do want to be there,
302
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,747
but there's a girl singer in Washington
303
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,349
the boss wants me to hear.
304
00:12:21,382 --> 00:12:23,017
Well, there's a boy singer
305
00:12:23,050 --> 00:12:25,453
here in New Rochelle that I want you to hear.
306
00:12:25,486 --> 00:12:28,089
Oh, honey, that's not even fair.
307
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:30,758
I've got a responsibility to my job.
308
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:33,561
Every big television variety show is sending a scout down there,
309
00:12:33,594 --> 00:12:35,496
and I've got to go.
310
00:12:35,529 --> 00:12:38,499
Well, all I can say is, if it doesn't bother you
311
00:12:38,532 --> 00:12:40,534
that you're missing your son sing
312
00:12:40,568 --> 00:12:42,036
for the first time in public,
313
00:12:42,069 --> 00:12:44,438
then his little heart will be broken
314
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,807
when he finds out his own father wasn't even there.
315
00:12:46,841 --> 00:12:49,410
Oh, honey, I'm sure a lot of fathers won't be there.
316
00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:51,345
Rich won't even notice I'm missing.
317
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:52,913
You talkin' about me?
318
00:12:52,947 --> 00:12:54,815
Yeah, about your show tomorrow.
319
00:12:54,849 --> 00:12:57,451
I'm the main bunny! I know.
320
00:12:57,485 --> 00:13:00,421
I'm the only bunny that sings. You bet you are.
321
00:13:00,454 --> 00:13:02,723
I sing you're the top by Cole Porter.
322
00:13:02,757 --> 00:13:06,694
Rich, are all your friends' daddies gonna be there tomorrow?
323
00:13:06,727 --> 00:13:09,063
Uh-uh. Tommy Vincent's daddy won't be there.
324
00:13:09,096 --> 00:13:11,365
Tommy Vincent's daddy won't be there.
325
00:13:11,399 --> 00:13:13,534
Because he's dead.
326
00:13:16,604 --> 00:13:18,072
Rich...
327
00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:20,007
Rich, run on up to bed,
328
00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:22,376
and I'll tuck you in later. Okay.
329
00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:26,480
~ You're the top, you're the Tower of Pisa ~
330
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:30,785
~ You're the top, you're the Mommy Lisa... ~
331
00:13:30,818 --> 00:13:32,687
Well?
332
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:50,171
Alan? Rob Petrie.
333
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,540
Have you got a minute, Alan?
334
00:13:52,573 --> 00:13:55,009
It's about the trip to Washington tomorrow, Alan.
335
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,678
No, it's just a problem here at home.
336
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,613
My kid has this thing.
337
00:13:59,647 --> 00:14:03,651
No, he's not sick. It's his arm.
338
00:14:03,684 --> 00:14:06,053
Well, we don't know. We're gonna have it x-rayed tomorrow.
339
00:14:06,087 --> 00:14:07,955
It may be broken.
340
00:14:07,988 --> 00:14:09,757
Or maybe it's just a sprain.
341
00:14:09,790 --> 00:14:11,692
Rob, what are you doing?
342
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,662
What's it sound like I'm doing? I'm lying.
343
00:14:14,695 --> 00:14:17,131
What'd you say, Alan? I couldn't hear you.
344
00:14:17,164 --> 00:14:20,101
The, uh-- The kid was crying.
345
00:14:20,134 --> 00:14:22,603
Well, that's awfully nice of you, Alan.
346
00:14:22,636 --> 00:14:25,606
Yeah. I'm sure I can get down there the next day.
347
00:14:25,639 --> 00:14:28,209
I just hope somebody doesn't sign her up tomorrow.
348
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:31,078
Thanks a lot, Alan. Bye.
349
00:14:31,112 --> 00:14:32,947
Oh, boy.
350
00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,749
Just to get out of a trip to Wash--
351
00:14:34,782 --> 00:14:36,817
See what you made me do, honey?
352
00:14:36,851 --> 00:14:39,854
I liked like a fool. I groveled in the dirt.
353
00:14:39,887 --> 00:14:42,223
And I broke my son's arm.
354
00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:45,860
What I made you do? Why didn't you just tell him the truth?
355
00:14:45,893 --> 00:14:47,995
Because I just couldn't tell Alan Brady
356
00:14:48,028 --> 00:14:49,964
that the reason I can't go to Washington
357
00:14:49,997 --> 00:14:52,533
is because my son is the main bunny.
358
00:14:55,169 --> 00:14:58,139
ROB: All that night, I tossed and turned.
359
00:14:58,172 --> 00:15:00,107
I kept thinking about how I lied to my boss,
360
00:15:00,141 --> 00:15:02,843
told him my son's arm was broken.
361
00:15:02,877 --> 00:15:05,479
I was torn between wanting to see my son's play
362
00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:07,114
and wanting to do my job.
363
00:15:07,148 --> 00:15:08,849
I wanted to make Laura happy,
364
00:15:08,883 --> 00:15:10,584
but I didn't want to be a puppet.
365
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:12,086
Oh, I had a dream that night.
366
00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:14,088
Oh, it was a lulu.
367
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:15,923
I felt as if I were running in two directions
368
00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:17,825
at the same time.
369
00:15:20,728 --> 00:15:24,799
MEL: Washington, Washington.
370
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,244
Where are you going, dear?
371
00:15:37,278 --> 00:15:39,980
Wa-shing-ton!
372
00:15:40,014 --> 00:15:43,617
No! See the bunny.
373
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:47,855
See the bunny. See the bunny.
374
00:15:49,757 --> 00:15:52,226
Ladies and gentlemen,
375
00:15:52,259 --> 00:15:56,764
presenting a man who gave up a trip to Washington
376
00:15:56,797 --> 00:16:02,670
simply because... I ordered him to.
377
00:16:02,703 --> 00:16:06,073
Presenting... My puppet!
378
00:16:06,106 --> 00:16:08,642
~~
379
00:16:22,590 --> 00:16:25,192
Now bow for the people.
380
00:16:27,828 --> 00:16:32,233
Now show how nicely you make a telephone call.
381
00:16:32,266 --> 00:16:34,301
Hello?
382
00:16:34,335 --> 00:16:37,304
I want to go to Washington.
383
00:16:37,338 --> 00:16:39,740
No!
384
00:16:39,773 --> 00:16:43,677
Now, you say that the right way.
385
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:48,249
Hello? I don't want to go to Washington.
386
00:16:48,282 --> 00:16:50,217
That's a good boy.
387
00:16:50,251 --> 00:16:51,952
Now dance!
388
00:16:51,986 --> 00:16:53,721
Dance! Dance!
389
00:16:53,754 --> 00:16:55,055
( INDISTINCT CHATTER )
390
00:16:55,089 --> 00:16:57,258
Dance! Dance!
391
00:16:57,291 --> 00:16:59,326
Dance!
392
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,595
Dance!
393
00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:03,864
~~
394
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,139
No time for dancing. Go to Washington.
395
00:17:12,172 --> 00:17:14,308
~~
396
00:17:16,844 --> 00:17:19,647
No.
397
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,082
He's going to Washington.
398
00:17:22,116 --> 00:17:25,886
( SOBBING )
399
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,389
He swatted me!
400
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,257
Hit him!
401
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:38,032
Hard!
402
00:17:40,034 --> 00:17:42,036
[CLANG]
403
00:17:50,010 --> 00:17:53,113
Oh, show Mommy. Kiss the boo-boo?
404
00:17:56,350 --> 00:17:58,152
Puppet!
405
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,927
Up!
406
00:18:06,961 --> 00:18:08,696
Up!
407
00:18:08,729 --> 00:18:10,864
Now dance! Dance!
408
00:18:10,898 --> 00:18:14,768
( LAUGHING )
409
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:17,137
No, wait!
410
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:21,241
I'm not a puppet.
411
00:18:23,877 --> 00:18:26,246
I'm a man!
412
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,882
RITCHIE: Daddy, you broke my arm!
413
00:18:28,916 --> 00:18:31,185
No! No!
414
00:18:31,218 --> 00:18:33,721
No, no bunnies!
415
00:18:46,967 --> 00:18:49,203
No! No bunnies!
416
00:18:49,236 --> 00:18:51,939
Bunnies! No bunnies!
417
00:18:51,972 --> 00:18:54,174
Bunnies! No!
418
00:19:09,957 --> 00:19:13,260
A puppet? You mean you'd feel like a puppet
419
00:19:13,293 --> 00:19:15,896
if you went to see your son perform?
420
00:19:15,929 --> 00:19:17,731
Honey, I don't have time to argue about it now.
421
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,400
I've got to get to the airport.
422
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:20,968
I don't know what's got into you, Rob,
423
00:19:21,001 --> 00:19:22,403
but I have the distinct impression
424
00:19:22,436 --> 00:19:24,772
that you're going back on a promise.
425
00:19:24,805 --> 00:19:27,775
Maybe I am, but it's not as big as the promise you're going back on.
426
00:19:27,808 --> 00:19:29,309
What promise is that?
427
00:19:29,343 --> 00:19:30,944
Oh, don't you remember, dear?
428
00:19:30,978 --> 00:19:33,414
Love, honor and obey?
429
00:19:33,447 --> 00:19:36,216
Well, I'm asking you to honor my decision
430
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:38,252
to go to Washington.
431
00:19:38,285 --> 00:19:40,387
I'm asking you to love me for not being intimidated
432
00:19:40,421 --> 00:19:43,157
by a charming and forceful wife. Intimidated?!
433
00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:45,092
And I'm asking you to obey my command,
434
00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:47,061
and there be no further discussion about it.
435
00:19:47,094 --> 00:19:50,464
Mommy, will you fix my ears, please?
436
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,835
Now, if you'll excuse me,
437
00:19:54,868 --> 00:19:56,336
I'm late for the airport.
438
00:19:56,370 --> 00:19:59,039
No, I don't think I will excuse you.
439
00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:01,909
We don't excuse you.
440
00:20:01,942 --> 00:20:05,112
Aw, honey, I'm sorry, but I've got to go to the airport.
441
00:20:05,145 --> 00:20:08,215
I'll call you.
442
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:11,285
Good-bye, son. Be a good bunny.
443
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,355
Bye, Daddy.
444
00:20:15,389 --> 00:20:19,093
So that's why you're coming all apart at the seams?
445
00:20:19,126 --> 00:20:20,961
You've got to admit I've got a right to.
446
00:20:20,994 --> 00:20:23,263
Yeah, I guess so. But let me tell you something--
447
00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:26,200
if I worried about all the school plays that I missed,
448
00:20:26,233 --> 00:20:28,001
I'd really look my age.
449
00:20:28,035 --> 00:20:29,570
( CHUCKLES )
450
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,905
Hey, how old do you think I am?
451
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,407
Oh, I couldn't even guess.
452
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,342
Take a guess. No.
453
00:20:35,375 --> 00:20:38,011
Come on, it don't cost you nothin'. Take a wild guess.
454
00:20:38,045 --> 00:20:39,947
I'll give you a hint.
455
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:42,082
I'm a lot older than I look.
456
00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:44,218
Now, come on, how old do I look?
457
00:20:44,251 --> 00:20:46,920
I don't know. Say, 49, 50?
458
00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:53,060
I was 41 my last birthday.
459
00:20:55,262 --> 00:20:57,931
Everybody takes me for 35.
460
00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,300
What do you need, glasses or something?
461
00:21:00,334 --> 00:21:02,503
Yeah. Something.
462
00:21:02,536 --> 00:21:05,472
Say, how was that girl singer you went to see?
463
00:21:05,506 --> 00:21:08,375
That's another thing. The whole trip was a waste of time.
464
00:21:08,408 --> 00:21:10,110
She was no good, huh?
465
00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:12,312
I wouldn't know. She had laryngitis.
466
00:21:12,346 --> 00:21:15,215
They brought some male quartet in to substitute for her.
467
00:21:15,249 --> 00:21:18,585
And they were rotten. The whole trip was unnecessary.
468
00:21:18,619 --> 00:21:20,320
Ah, so what? Heh heh.
469
00:21:20,354 --> 00:21:22,156
You don't have to tell your wife that.
470
00:21:22,189 --> 00:21:24,324
I don't have to, but I'm going to.
471
00:21:24,358 --> 00:21:27,027
What are you, some kind of sadist?
472
00:21:29,263 --> 00:21:31,265
Why don't you do like I do?
473
00:21:31,298 --> 00:21:33,634
Take a present, open the door and throw it in,
474
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:36,336
then hide out in the cellar for a couple of hours.
475
00:21:36,370 --> 00:21:38,238
I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
476
00:21:38,272 --> 00:21:40,374
Oh, you're really asking for it, pal.
477
00:21:40,407 --> 00:21:42,376
What are you gonna do?
478
00:21:42,409 --> 00:21:44,912
I'm gonna make a speech.
479
00:21:44,945 --> 00:21:46,547
I'm gonna make the speech I should've made
480
00:21:46,580 --> 00:21:48,549
before I left.
481
00:21:48,582 --> 00:21:51,351
I'm gonna tell her that a man is a man,
482
00:21:51,385 --> 00:21:53,554
even if he is a husband.
483
00:21:53,587 --> 00:21:56,190
And that at no time, as a man or as a husband,
484
00:21:56,223 --> 00:21:59,526
should he ever be his wife's puppet.
485
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:03,197
I'm gonna tell her that I have to do what I think is right.
486
00:22:03,230 --> 00:22:05,532
A man shouldn't sacrifice his self-respect
487
00:22:05,566 --> 00:22:08,001
just to keep peace in the home.
488
00:22:08,035 --> 00:22:11,071
All right, a woman's opinion should be weighed and considered.
489
00:22:11,104 --> 00:22:13,907
But in the final analysis, a man has to do
490
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:16,944
what he thinks is right, or he is no man!
491
00:22:29,489 --> 00:22:31,658
Good evening, Laura.
492
00:22:31,692 --> 00:22:34,094
Good evening, Rob.
493
00:22:34,127 --> 00:22:37,998
Laura...I'd like to speak with you.
494
00:22:38,031 --> 00:22:40,234
Go ahead and speak.
495
00:22:40,267 --> 00:22:42,669
I'd rather you were seated.
496
00:22:42,703 --> 00:22:45,405
Please, I'd be more comfortable.
497
00:22:49,576 --> 00:22:51,378
Are you more comfortable?
498
00:22:53,046 --> 00:22:54,948
Laura...
499
00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:57,551
You-- you're my wife.
500
00:22:57,584 --> 00:22:59,152
Yes?
501
00:22:59,186 --> 00:23:02,389
Yes. and I'm your husband.
502
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:05,592
I know. Good.
503
00:23:05,626 --> 00:23:09,529
We're--we're husband and wife.
504
00:23:09,563 --> 00:23:11,465
That sounds reasonable.
505
00:23:11,498 --> 00:23:13,533
Laura, don't interrupt me.
506
00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:18,972
Laura, there's no reason for your behavior.
507
00:23:19,006 --> 00:23:22,142
There is every reason for my behavior. I'm angry.
508
00:23:22,175 --> 00:23:24,645
Angry, yes. Because I wouldn't behave like a puppet.
509
00:23:24,678 --> 00:23:27,080
Because I filled a responsibility to my employer.
510
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:30,150
For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry.
511
00:23:30,183 --> 00:23:33,053
I realize you have to do what you think is right.
512
00:23:33,086 --> 00:23:34,988
I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself
513
00:23:35,022 --> 00:23:37,724
get pushed around by anyone, including me.
514
00:23:37,758 --> 00:23:40,093
Well, what are you angry with me for?
515
00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:42,696
I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me
516
00:23:42,729 --> 00:23:45,065
for being angry with you.
517
00:23:47,167 --> 00:23:49,569
Well, is there anything I can do
518
00:23:49,603 --> 00:23:51,305
to patch up this little quarrel
519
00:23:51,338 --> 00:23:53,507
you're having among yourself...
520
00:23:53,540 --> 00:23:56,576
So I can get out of the doghouse?
521
00:23:56,610 --> 00:24:00,314
Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
522
00:24:00,347 --> 00:24:02,416
Not on the neck.
523
00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:07,521
That's better.
524
00:24:09,089 --> 00:24:10,524
Almost.
525
00:24:13,193 --> 00:24:15,062
Oh, yes.
526
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:22,469
~ You're the top, you're the Tower of Pizza ~
527
00:24:22,502 --> 00:24:26,139
~ You're the top, you're the Mommy Lisa ~
528
00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:28,108
~ I'm a worthless check ~
529
00:24:28,141 --> 00:24:30,444
~ A total wreck, a flop ~ ~ A flop
530
00:24:30,477 --> 00:24:33,747
~ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ~
531
00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:37,017
~ You're the top
532
00:24:41,088 --> 00:24:43,223
~~37834
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