All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dyke Show - 01x01 - The Sick Boy and the Sitter

~~

~ We tripped along [ PHONE RINGS ]

~ And skipped on the sidewalks
of New York ~

Hello?

Why are you sending him home?

Does Ellen have
a temperature?

Oh, that's not much.

Hi, Mom!

Ritchie just came in.

Oh, come on, Dot.
You know me better
than that.

If Ritchie comes down
with anything,

I'll blame a virus,
not Ellen.

Listen, call me if
you need anything.

Not at all. Bye, Dot.

Ellen's got a disease.

Ellen's got a temperature.
I wouldn't call it
a disease.

Whatever she gots,
I hope I get it, too.

Why, Rich?So I don't have to go
to school tomorrow.

But I thought
you loved school.

They're not teaching
good things.

They're teaching
stupid things,

like the alphabet.

The alphabet
is not stupid.
You have to know it

if you want to write
television shows
like Daddy does.

I know it!
I can say it faster
than anybody.

Want to hear it?

E-f-g-h-i-j-k-
l-m-n-o-p--

n-o-p-q-r-s-t-u-v-w!

What happened to x-y-z?

I know 'em.
I just got tired.

Then how about a glass
of milk and a cupcake

to recharge
your battery?

I don't want any.

No cupcake?

Did you eat anything
next door?

Just water I ate.

Just water?
Come here.

You should
feel hungry.

Do I feel hungry, Mommy?

I think we'll have
Dr. Miller take
a look at you.

No, Mommy!
I'll eat my cupcake!

I don't want Dr. Miller
to take a look at me!

I won't let him!
I'll lock myself
in the closet!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

Ritchie, I thought
you liked Dr. Miller.

Oh, yeah! I forgot.

"You'll have to bake
the whole pear."

There.

All right, now, where are we
in the script?

I was just coming
out of the last
commercial,

into the
"good night" bit.
Let's see.

Supposing our star says,

"Good night, folks.
Sure hope you enjoyed our show.

"And remember--
the Alan Brady
thought for the day is...

Drive carefully,
especially on the sidewalks."

No, no.

Wait a minute.
Maybe he says something
philosophical,

like, "folks, remember--
save your money.

Someday it may be
worth something."

[ LAUGHING ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no.No, no, no.

No, no, no?
It's a good joke.

I don't think
it's a good joke.

What do you think,
Sally?

I think it's
a great joke.

Why do you think
it's a great joke?

Because it's 5:30,
and I got a date at 7:00.

I don't think we ought
to end this week's show
with a joke.

I'd like Alan to
come out and say...

Something with meaning.

Yeah? What kind of meaning?

Well, I wrote down a quote

from Ralph Waldo Emerson.

What show does he write for?

"He who sows courtesy
reaps friendship.

He who plants kindness
gathers love."

Hey, that's funny!

Funny!
Hey, that's beautiful!

That's good.

Buddy, I don't need
your sarcasm.

There's no sarcasm.
Wait a minute,
this is beautiful.

He reads this
philosophical stuff,

and then, zoink! We drop
a bag of water on him.

People would howl,
they'd scream. Beautiful.

I like it,
I like it.

Now, wait a minute!

That won't stop me.
I'll type it
on the ribbon.

Will you knock it off?

Will you tell me
what is the matter
with ending the show

with an epigram
or an aphorism?

Who-pherism?Uhh.

All right, so maybe
I didn't go to college,

like somebody else
in this room.

Here it comes--
the anti-egghead bit.

All I know is, I can rely
on my 25 years--

25 years
in show business.

All right, fellas,
break it up.

Will you break
it up, please?

I got a date
with an unmarried
accountant

and I want to
get there before
he gets married.

And besides, uh,
let's not forget

that Melvin Cooley
is the producer
of this show.

I think you two
are overstepping
yourselves.

What you're trying
to determine is
policy, right?

And I think that's
the producer's
domain.

After all, he is
the guiding genius
of this show.

And Mr. Cooley
is paid to produce
the show because...

Because he's the star's
brother-in-law.

All right,
how long you been
spying on us, Curly?

Rob, as the producer
of this show,

once more I must
insist that you
instruct your staff

to show me
a little respect.

We're showing you
as little respect
as possible.

That's just what I mean.

What can we
do for you, Mel?

I came here
to invite you
to a party.

Hey, a party!
When, when, when?
When is the party?

Uh, Rob...
The party is tonight
at Alan's.

He's giving a little
dinner for a few of
the network executives.

And you mean the star
wants us to mingle
with them?

Yes, you may bring
your wives, dates
or what have you.

Oh, goody. I'll bring
my what have you.

I beg your pardon?

Well, he's not exactly
a what have you.

He's more of a...
What is it.

What about him?

Him will be there
with bells on.

If it's cold,
I'll wear
something warmer.

Hey, honey.

How's your white
satin evening gown?

Fine. How's your red
flannel bathrobe?

What kind of
a greeting is that?

We have been invited

to Alan Brady's
penthouse apartment

to mingle
with rich people.

When?Tonight.

Do whatever it is
you do with your face,

and I'll go see if
I've got a clean shirt.

Honey,
we can't go tonight.Why not?

Ritchie isn't
feeling well.

What's the matter
with him?

Nothing yet.
But he was playing
with Ellen,

and she suddenly came down
with a temperature.

Did Dr. Miller see him?

Yeah, he says we'd
better keep an eye on him.

Then he's not
really sick?

Well, if you mean,
has he collapsed, no.

Well, is he in pain?

Well, no.

Then how do you
know he's sick?

There are symptoms.

What symptoms?Well...

Come on,
I'm the boy's father.

He turned down
his cupcake.

He turned down
his cupcake?!

And you didn't
call an ambulance?

Aw, honey, come on.

If that child won't eat
a chocolate cupcake,

he's sick.

What are you gonna do?

Maybe he's just
sick of chocolate.

I'm gonna try
a vanilla cupcake.

Come here, son.
Daddy wants to
have a look at you.

Dr. Miller had a look at me,
and he's a doctor,

and he says
I'm gonna be very sick

and not go to school
tomorrow.

Mm-hmm. Ritchie...

How would you like
a nice cupcake?

Uh-uh.

This is a nice
vanilla cupcake.

Vanilla?

Yeah, with
vanilla icing.

Vanilla icing?
I like chocolate.

Mm-hmm. All right.

We'll just get you
a chocolate cupcake.

I don't want any.

A chocolate cupcake
with nice crushed nuts
on the top?

Uh-uh.

Satisfied?

Three out of four doctors
will tell you

that the cupcake test
isn't always conclusive.

Besides, his forehead
feels fine.

Maybe my forehead
might feel fine,

but all the rest
of me is sick.

He looks
all right to me.

Rob, we'll discuss it
somewhere else.

Rich, you lie down
and get some rest now.

Okay.

I'm gonna rest, Daddy,
so I won't get sick and die!

Fine.

It proves nothing.

I don't want to eat it,
and I'm not sick.

The boy looks
fine to me.

All he needs is
a good night's sleep.

He'll get up
in the morning

and stuff down
enough cupcakes

to make even you
happy.

Get your clothes
together,

and I'll take
a quick bath.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna fix
some liver for dinner.

Hang on a second. We'll
have dinner at Alan's.

Rob, Dr. Miller
said that Ritchie

should be watched
for 24 hours.

Honey, when a doctor
says watch him,

he doesn't mean
you have to stand
over his bed

and stare at him.

We can watch him
by phone.

Oh, and if anything
happened,

we could be home
in 30 minutes.

It takes 53 minutes
to get here from New York,

and you know it.

But Janie will be here.
She's very responsible.

Honey, when a little boy
is sick,

he wants his mother
or father to comfort him,

not a 15-year-old sitter.

15--
15 years old?

You make her sound
like some kind of
an infant.

You know what
you have to realize?

15 today isn't like
when you were 15.

If you were
15 years old today,

you'd have to be
at least 23.

Forget it.

Rob, why is going
to this party
so important to you?

Well, Buddy and Sally
will be there.

Oh, come on, you see them
eight hours every day.

The network big-shots
and the sponsors will
also be there.

I am
the head writer.

Well, Alan wants us
to be there--

Yeah! So he can ask you
to entertain.

That's the only reason
he ever invites the writers,
and you know it.

That is not so.

He wants us to be there

because we're an important
part of that show.

You make us sound like
court jesters or something.

I don't entertain at parties
unless I want to.

All right. Okie-dokie.

If going to
this dinner party is
so important to you,

then...

What are you doing?

I know you.
Once this liver's cooked,

you'll never go.

I won't change my mind.

So you might as well
put it back in the pan.

Oh, let's talk it over
a little longer.

Robert, will you please
put my liver back?

Aw, honey, how often
does my boss

ask us over
to his house?

How often
is one called upon

to be
a responsible parent?

The president of
the network will be there.

Well, then I think
you should go.

I mean it, honey.

There's no sense
both our staying home.

After all, you have
a responsibility
to your work,

and I fully
understand that.

You do?

Sure I do.

You don't mind
if I go alone?

Not at all, darling.

Well...

It's just that I couldn't
go to a party

knowing my son was on
the verge of being sick.

I couldn't enjoy myself.

All right, all right,
you win.

We'll spend a quiet
evening at home,
frying liver.

You don't have to stay.

I'm not going.

I'm as good a mother
as you are.

Aw, look. I wouldn't
object to staying home

if the boy
was really sick.

He is.
He has a fever.

1/10 of a degree!

Well, it's not normal.

It's normal enough.

If he was any more
normal than that,
he'd be abnormal.

Oh, honey, come here.

Why do you want to be
such a martyr?

Not a martyr, darling.
A mother.

Same thing.

Oh, look, honey,
I know how you feel.

I think you're
a great mother.

But there's such
a thing as being
too great a mother.

You're being
over-solicitous
and overprotective.

It could be bad
for a kid.

Oh, Rob--Listen to me, honey.

You think about it.

I want you to go
to that party with me

because I love you.
I may be crazy,

but I think you're
the best-looking
gal I know.

I want
to show you off.

How about it, Laurie?

Will you give
me that pleasure?

No.

No?

Oh, Rob, I'm flattered

that you want
to show me off,

but I can't go.

Now, just listen
for a minute,

and then you
think about it.

Darling, I'm a woman,
and--

So I've noticed.

What I mean is,
if I leave the house tonight

feeling the way I do,
I just know something's
gonna happen.

It always does
when I feel this way.

Call it
women's intuition--

You mean superstition.

No, it's not superstition.
It's scientific.

Sure.You wash the car,
it rains, right?

Light a cigarette,
the bus arrives.

Leave the house when
you know you shouldn't,

and something's bound
to happen.

Honey, nothing's
gonna happen.

Look, you come with me.
You'll see.

And I tell you
what I'll do for you
if you come with me.

I'll go to
two decorator's shows

and three
P.T.A. meetings.

Hmm?

You'll see, you'll
enjoy yourself.

Five P.T.A. meetings?

You'll go?

Well, all right.

But I refuse
to enjoy myself.

Now, here's the number.
You be sure to call

if he should get up
and complain about anything.

And look, here's
Dr. Miller's number.

If he seems very sick,
you can call Dr. Miller
after you call us.

First call us, though,
so we can start out
right away.

Honey,
it's getting late.Just a minute.

Janie, do you understand
what you're to do?

Yes, I'm to call
this number if
Ritchie gets up sick,

and then I'm to call
this number after
I call this number.

That's right,
but be sure to call.
And if the line's busy,

you keep right on trying--Come on, honey.

Oh, and, Janie,
if anything
unusual happens,

just call your mother.
She lives next door.

She knows where
her mother lives.

You see why I shouldn't
be going to this party.

The drive will
clear your head.
Now, come on.

Oh, Rob, I had to get
dressed so fast.

Oh, Janie, there are
some cupcakes

in the breadbox
next to the refrigerator.

And there's some orange
soda pop there, too.

Washington said
farewell to the troops
in less time.

Come on.

Janie, there's some milk
in the refrigerator.

On the shelf,
there's a bottle that's
already been started.

I thought in case--One more instruction,

I'm gonna pick you up
and carry you
out of here.

I'm ready, dear.Oh, are you sure?

Don't you want to tell
Janie what television
programs to watch?

There's a special
on juvenile delinquency.

I don't know the time
or channel, but there's
a program--

My purse!

Honestly,
what are you--

Don't go into
Ritchie's room!
You may wake him.

Use the newspaper.
It's in the wastepaper
basket.

The party will be over--Pears and apples
in the fruit bowl!

Bottom shelf
of the refrigerator!

Just a minute!
What did you say

was in
the bottom shelf of
the refrigerator?

Who knows?
If it's food, eat it.

If it's a phone number,
call it.

Hey, where are
you guys goin'?

The party's just
starting to swing.

I know it.
But we have a child at home

who's planning
on being sick.

MEL:
Rob, what's this?

You're not leaving,
are you?

Well, it is 11:00,
and we have--

Well, Alan got hung up
on a long-distance phone call.

He hoped that you all
would do a little something

to, uh,
keep the party going.

Oh, like entertaining
a little?

What's wrong with that?

15 minutes, honey?

Command performance
for the boss.

Tell Alan we'll stay.He'll appreciate this.

Come on, Rob,
everybody.

[ OVERLAPPING CHATTER ]

All right, show time,
folks, show time.

We want you all to get
nice and pepped up.

Here's how
we do it. You ready?
Everybody hold hands,

and the guy on the end,
stick his finger in
the light socket.

Okay, George,
the thing we did at
the christmas party.

~ Good-bye, good-bye,
we're here to say good-bye ~

~ We haven't time to say hello,
and so good-bye ~

~ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye,
auf wiedersehen, good-bye ~

~ Arrivederci, au revoir,
and so good-bye ~

Folks, that concludes
our act.

From now on, everything
we do is an encore.

You take care
of the encore.

All right,
for our first encore,

may I present to you
our human joke machine?

This man can make
a joke out of any word
in the English language.

May we have a word?Any word.

Horse.

I have a lady.
She has a word--horse.

A joke about a horse.
Horse, let me see.

If everybody
owned a horse,

the country would be
more stabilized.

SALLY: Let's have
another word.

I got another word
over here.

Milk bath.Milk bath.

Milk bath. Say,
there's a good one.
Anybody else got one?

Milk bath.

Hmm. All right.

A friend of mine
was very seriously hurt
taking a milk bath.

Ask me why.Why?

Funny you should ask.

What happened was,
the cow slipped on
a piece of soap

and fell on his head.

Hey, I can keep
doing this all night.

Oh, no, you don't!

[ OVERLAPPING CHATTER ]

Give him a hand.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
our second encore
of the evening.

Let's welcome
Miss Sally Rogers.

Give the little lady
a hand.

~ I used to dream once,
long ago ~

~ That someday I'd have
a lot of dough ~

~ And a sable or a mink

~ I'd have settled
for rabbit, I think ~

~ But now those dreams
are gone ~

~ With time,
they've drifted away ~

~ If I only had one wish
to make ~

~ This is what I am wishing
today ~

~ I

[ GRAVELLY VOICE ]
~ Wish I could sing
like durante ~

~ Jimmy's got the voice
I love ~

~ I wish I could hit
those high notes ~

~ That's the one
that I'm speakin' of ~

~ I wish I could sing--

That's a little too loud,
fellas, hold it.

~ I wish--
Hold it, will you keep it down?

It's a little too loud.

~ I wish--

[ WHISTLES LOUDLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

I walks into
a very classy restaurant.

And I orders
pheasant under glass.

I had eaten most of the glass,

and was just about gettin' down
to the pheasant

when I noticed a sign
that says,

"Watch your hat and coat."

Well, I watched
my hat and coat,

and what happened?
Somebody stole my pheasant.

~ I wish I could sing
like durante ~

~ Oh, what a hit I'd be

~ I'd put on
a little this-a-way ~

~ And I'd take off
a little that-a-way ~

~ I wish I could sing
like durante ~

~ But it comes out
plain old me, that's me ~

~ But it comes out

~ Plain old me

[ WHISTLES ]

Sally Rogers!

Rob, I got 'em all
warmed up for you.
Go ahead.

I'll cool 'em down.
All right, ladies
and gentlemen,

I'd like to give you for you,
for our third encore
of the evening,

my impression of
my wife's Uncle Henry.

Hi, sweetie.

My wife's Uncle Henry
is the timidest,

sweetest guy
in the whole world,

except when he goes
to the annual office party.

He has one short beer.
He becomes fearless,

the bravest guy in the world,
afraid of nothing...

Except maybe his wife.

I'd like to give you
my impression of my wife's
uncle henry

coming home from
the annual office party.

And who should he meet
but his wife.

Sally, you know the bit.I'll do it.

I need the chair and the hat.

[ OVERLAPPING CHATTING ]

Oh, your husband's
awfully cute.

He must be a lot of fun
to live with.

I laugh all day long.

Why aren't you like that?
You never make me laugh.

I didn't know you wanted to.

All right, my impression
of my wife's Uncle Henry

coming home after
the annual christmas party.

[ SLURRING ]
~ Oh, Genevieve,
sweet Genevieve ~

Whoo!

Anybody home?

Whoo-ooh!

Is that you, dear?

[ NORMAL VOICE ]
Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Why, it's awful late,
dear. What happened?

I had a meeting
at the office, and I
just couldn't get away.

Aww, well, how about
some coffee?

Oh, I'd love
some coffee.I'll get you some.

Whoo!

SALLY: Darling?

Thank you, honey.

Sweetheart, was there
any mail today?

Oh, yes, some very
important letters.
I'll get them for you.

Dear,
there's the mail.

Oh, thank you,
sweetheart. Aha.

Are you hungry?
Would you like
a sandwich?

I would love
a sandwich.All right.

Whoo!

Sweetheart?

How would you like
a ham on rye?

Oh, I'd love
a ham on rye.Fine.

With mustard?Mustard!

With pickle?Pickle!

Honey, you don't
look right.

You know what
I think you need?

I think you need
a nice, stiff drink.

[ DRUM ROLL, CYMBALS CRASH ]

~ Hello, hello, hello

~ We're here to say hello

[ INDISTINCT LYRICS ]

Well,
everything's quiet.

I suppose you
expected you walk

into some kind
of a disaster
or something.

Everything's
just as we left it.

There's Janie's
schoolbooks and radio,

the doctor's bag.[ GASPS ]

Doctor's bag!

I knew it! I just--

Sam, Dotty, what are
you doing here?

We're glad you're back.Now, don't get excited.

Where's Ritchie?In his room. He's
just fallen asleep.

Little fella's
had a rough night.

Oh, and I had
to do an encore.

Oh, thank goodness
for neighbors
like you.

Doc, how's Ritchie?Sturdy little fella.

Most children
would've upset
themselves terribly

with all that blood.

He's a sturdy--blood?!

Janie!

How's Ritchie?Ritchie?

Yeah, with all
the blood.

That was my blood.

I hit my head
on the freezer door.

You hit your head
on the freezer door?Yes.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I mean, I'm sorry.

Come on, Janie, Dotty.

Let's go home.
We've had enough
excitement for tonight.

Is there anything we have
to do for her, doctor?

No, her hair will
grow over that scar.

She'll be as pretty
as ever in a couple
of weeks.

Oh, Sam, I can't
thank you enough.

Thanks, Dotty.
Doc, thank you.

How's Ritchie?

Oh, he's fine.
Poor Janie, though.

You and your
woman's intuition.

Yeah. How about that?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm getting to be
such a nag.

Aww, sweetheart,
you're not a nag.

You're a worrier.
I'm glad you are, too.

I don't worry enough.

You worry too much.

Together, we worry
just about right.

You know, you're
pretty amazing.

You really expected
something to happen here
tonight, didn't you?

I never expected
Janie to hit her head
on the door.

Yeah, but you expected
something.

Yeah.How'd you know?

Darling...

I'm a woman.

Yeah.

~~