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1
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:12,294
I had such a lovely time
at the King's ball.
2
00:00:12,377 --> 00:00:14,129
Thank you for unfrogging me.
3
00:00:14,212 --> 00:00:16,256
Excuse me while I slip into something
4
00:00:16,340 --> 00:00:18,258
more comfy-wumfy.
5
00:00:21,761 --> 00:00:23,930
Mm.
6
00:00:25,849 --> 00:00:29,269
No. No. No! No!
7
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I have to get out of here!
He's waiting for me!
8
00:00:32,356 --> 00:00:34,440
Why won't you open?
9
00:00:34,524 --> 00:00:36,401
'Cause I'm not made that way!
10
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What am I doing?
11
00:00:39,363 --> 00:00:40,697
You tell me.
12
00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:42,282
This isn't the Chinatown bus.
13
00:00:42,366 --> 00:00:43,908
You can't just choke someone who's sleeping.
14
00:00:43,992 --> 00:00:45,952
Titus, I'm so sorry.
15
00:00:46,036 --> 00:00:47,412
Why is your neck so greasy?
16
00:00:47,495 --> 00:00:49,080
I fell asleep eating a Hot Pocket.
17
00:00:49,164 --> 00:00:51,041
Kimmy Schmidt, you are clearly
repressing some stuff,
18
00:00:51,124 --> 00:00:53,960
and it is very unhealthy... for Titus!
19
00:00:54,044 --> 00:00:55,670
- You need to talk to somebody.
- Absolutely not.
20
00:00:55,753 --> 00:00:58,298
What if you take a lover
and you murder him in his sleep?
21
00:00:58,382 --> 00:00:59,590
Who are they gonna pin that on
22
00:00:59,674 --> 00:01:01,634
Rainbow Brite or gay Tiki Barber?
23
00:01:01,718 --> 00:01:04,470
I'm not taking a lover. That's gross.
24
00:01:04,554 --> 00:01:05,805
And I'm not ready.
25
00:01:05,889 --> 00:01:07,557
I can't even do a dream date right.
26
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,809
Probably because you're bottling up the past!
27
00:01:09,893 --> 00:01:11,311
The past is not a root beer, Kimmy Schmidt.
28
00:01:11,395 --> 00:01:12,729
I don't care.
29
00:01:12,812 --> 00:01:14,689
I spent 15 years in that bunker eating beans
30
00:01:14,772 --> 00:01:16,358
out of a Florida Marlins cap.
31
00:01:16,441 --> 00:01:18,360
- The Marlins, Titus!
- Ooh.
32
00:01:18,443 --> 00:01:20,611
There, that noise, the
way you're looking at me,
33
00:01:20,695 --> 00:01:21,905
like I'm a freak!
34
00:01:21,988 --> 00:01:23,656
Step right up and see the Mole Woman.
35
00:01:23,740 --> 00:01:25,367
She made a pet cat out of dryer lint
36
00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:26,492
and a Gerschner's bag.
37
00:01:26,576 --> 00:01:27,660
Ooh.
38
00:01:27,744 --> 00:01:29,371
It's not my fault.
39
00:01:29,454 --> 00:01:32,082
People love hearing terrible
details of news tragedies.
40
00:01:32,165 --> 00:01:33,624
One, it's titillating like a horror movie.
41
00:01:33,708 --> 00:01:35,585
Two, it makes them feel like a good person
42
00:01:35,668 --> 00:01:37,337
because they care about a stranger.
43
00:01:37,421 --> 00:01:39,964
Three, it makes people feel safe
that it did not happen to them.
44
00:01:40,048 --> 00:01:42,508
- Ugh.
- This affects me too, you know!
45
00:01:42,592 --> 00:01:44,177
I need my beauty sleep.
46
00:01:44,261 --> 00:01:45,762
I'm having my head shots taken today
47
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because my old ones are starting
to feel a little dated.
48
00:01:48,139 --> 00:01:49,515
Oh, yeah.
49
00:01:49,599 --> 00:01:51,142
This time, I'm gonna keep it simple
50
00:01:51,226 --> 00:01:52,560
a suit, a tie,
51
00:01:52,643 --> 00:01:54,645
maybe hold a microphone
so they know I can sing.
52
00:01:54,729 --> 00:01:56,440
And that you can hold things.
53
00:01:56,522 --> 00:01:58,566
And thanks to you, I finally
have the money to do this right.
54
00:01:58,649 --> 00:02:01,027
- Oh, word up!
- Nope.
55
00:02:01,111 --> 00:02:02,153
Write it down.
56
00:02:03,654 --> 00:02:04,739
I just have to spend this money
57
00:02:04,822 --> 00:02:06,324
before Lillian knows I have it.
58
00:02:06,408 --> 00:02:07,951
Why? We paid the rent.
59
00:02:08,034 --> 00:02:09,702
Oh, it's always something with that woman
60
00:02:09,786 --> 00:02:12,163
the rent, the electric bill,
the floor that got ruined
61
00:02:12,247 --> 00:02:13,831
when I fell asleep in her bathtub.
62
00:02:13,915 --> 00:02:15,666
How was I supposed to turn the faucet off?
63
00:02:15,750 --> 00:02:17,043
I was asleep!
64
00:02:17,127 --> 00:02:18,544
But if she knows I have any money
65
00:02:18,628 --> 00:02:20,546
Morning, you two.
66
00:02:20,630 --> 00:02:22,340
Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
67
00:02:22,424 --> 00:02:23,467
Wink.
68
00:02:25,176 --> 00:02:26,803
So anybody want coffee?
I'm off to an AA meeting.
69
00:02:26,886 --> 00:02:29,555
- No, thank you.
- We're broke!
70
00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:32,434
Oh, yeah? Huh.
71
00:02:32,517 --> 00:02:34,227
I'm going back to bed.
72
00:02:34,311 --> 00:02:37,481
Just promise me you will try
to find someone to talk to.
73
00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:48,908
♪ Unbreakable ♪
74
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♪ They alive, damn it ♪
75
00:02:50,494 --> 00:02:52,036
♪ It's a miracle ♪
76
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,330
♪ Unbreakable ♪
77
00:02:53,413 --> 00:02:54,498
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
78
00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:56,541
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
79
00:02:56,624 --> 00:02:57,667
♪ Unbreakable ♪
80
00:02:57,750 --> 00:02:58,960
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
81
00:02:59,043 --> 00:03:00,670
♪ It's a miracle ♪
82
00:03:00,753 --> 00:03:02,088
♪ Unbreakable ♪
83
00:03:02,172 --> 00:03:03,256
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
84
00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:04,674
That's gonna be, uh...
85
00:03:04,757 --> 00:03:07,344
you know, a fascinating transition.
86
00:03:07,427 --> 00:03:08,470
♪ Damn it ♪
87
00:03:08,553 --> 00:03:10,555
Oh, uh, Mrs. Voorhees.
88
00:03:10,638 --> 00:03:12,015
Buckley just remembered
89
00:03:12,098 --> 00:03:14,100
that his family-tree project is due today.
90
00:03:14,184 --> 00:03:17,145
Now, I found a bunch of stuff
online about the Voorhees side.
91
00:03:17,228 --> 00:03:19,439
- We owned people.
- We still do, honey.
92
00:03:19,523 --> 00:03:21,441
But we weren't sure about your family.
93
00:03:21,525 --> 00:03:24,235
Who, the Whites? They're normal.
94
00:03:24,319 --> 00:03:26,029
This is your homework, Charles, not mine.
95
00:03:26,112 --> 00:03:27,822
No, I'm sorry. It's Buckley's homework.
96
00:03:27,905 --> 00:03:29,782
But can you at least tell me
where your family's from?
97
00:03:31,868 --> 00:03:34,329
Why can't my own parents understand?
98
00:03:34,412 --> 00:03:36,247
I just want to be somebody,
99
00:03:36,331 --> 00:03:38,458
like the women on my fashion magazines.
100
00:03:39,709 --> 00:03:43,463
Why can't our fashion
magazines be enough for you?
101
00:03:43,547 --> 00:03:45,006
Jackie Lynn,
102
00:03:45,089 --> 00:03:47,175
we didn't say anything
when you died your hair
103
00:03:47,258 --> 00:03:49,469
and when you got blue contact lenses
104
00:03:49,553 --> 00:03:51,596
or even when you started saying things like
105
00:03:51,679 --> 00:03:53,097
"neato" and "tennis."
106
00:03:53,181 --> 00:03:54,516
It's how white people talk, Mom.
107
00:03:54,599 --> 00:03:55,683
Oy, gevalt.
108
00:03:55,766 --> 00:03:58,102
- But Manhattan?
- I'm sorry.
109
00:03:58,186 --> 00:03:59,354
But I don't want to live my whole life
110
00:03:59,437 --> 00:04:00,980
in Bear Creek, South Dakota.
111
00:04:01,064 --> 00:04:02,607
It's 1992.
112
00:04:02,690 --> 00:04:04,609
And nothing has changed in this country.
113
00:04:04,692 --> 00:04:07,653
If you want to get anywhere,
you need to be blonde and white.
114
00:04:07,737 --> 00:04:10,365
But you're an Indian, Jackie Lynn.
115
00:04:10,448 --> 00:04:13,243
God, Dad, saying "Indian" is offensive now.
116
00:04:13,326 --> 00:04:14,785
Then what do you call sitting on the floor
117
00:04:14,869 --> 00:04:15,995
with your legs crossed?
118
00:04:16,079 --> 00:04:17,205
Crisscross applesauce.
119
00:04:17,288 --> 00:04:18,998
- We invented sitting like that.
- Oh, that's insane.
120
00:04:19,082 --> 00:04:21,125
I know you don't approve of what I'm doing,
121
00:04:21,209 --> 00:04:23,211
but you'll change your tune when I'm married
122
00:04:23,294 --> 00:04:26,506
to 1992's sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte.
123
00:04:26,590 --> 00:04:28,007
Goodbye.
124
00:04:28,091 --> 00:04:32,720
Or as white people say,
"Later days... buddy."
125
00:04:38,976 --> 00:04:41,312
Later days...
126
00:04:41,396 --> 00:04:43,314
bud...
127
00:04:43,398 --> 00:04:45,983
dy.
128
00:04:50,447 --> 00:04:51,906
Why does it matter where I'm from?
129
00:04:51,989 --> 00:04:53,699
It's where I'm going that counts.
130
00:04:53,783 --> 00:04:55,619
Put that down.
131
00:04:55,701 --> 00:04:58,246
Mrs. Voorhees, I'm worried about Abattoir.
132
00:04:58,329 --> 00:05:01,040
I walk him twice a day, and
he never goes to the bathroom.
133
00:05:01,124 --> 00:05:03,126
Oh, they bred that out.
134
00:05:03,209 --> 00:05:06,087
Someone's anus is purely decorative.
135
00:05:06,170 --> 00:05:08,256
Yes, yes, yes.
136
00:05:08,339 --> 00:05:10,007
Hey. How's it going?
137
00:05:10,091 --> 00:05:12,636
Well, I'm failing third grade.
138
00:05:12,677 --> 00:05:14,679
At least you're the
biggest kid in your class.
139
00:05:16,264 --> 00:05:19,309
Oh, Kimmy. I don't think
I have your cell number.
140
00:05:19,392 --> 00:05:22,019
I wanted to call you last night
because Buckley needed something
141
00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:23,521
and I had already taken my makeup off.
142
00:05:23,605 --> 00:05:26,316
Um, I don't actually have a cell phone.
143
00:05:26,399 --> 00:05:28,359
You don't have a cell phone?
144
00:05:28,443 --> 00:05:31,028
Well, I had a cell phone, Xan,
145
00:05:31,112 --> 00:05:35,366
obvs, but I lost it at the zoo.
146
00:05:35,450 --> 00:05:37,452
A monkey took it, and
she wouldn't give it back.
147
00:05:37,535 --> 00:05:39,412
Yeah, Xan, the monkey was a woman.
148
00:05:39,496 --> 00:05:41,122
Women can be anything these days.
149
00:05:41,205 --> 00:05:43,500
Here, you can take one
of my old cell phones.
150
00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:45,960
Go to Verizon and have
them switch out the SIM card
151
00:05:46,043 --> 00:05:47,962
and then get my contacts off the cloud.
152
00:05:48,045 --> 00:05:50,965
Horizon... got it.
153
00:05:51,048 --> 00:05:53,384
Wow. Is this a Macintosh?
154
00:05:53,468 --> 00:05:54,969
What?
155
00:05:55,052 --> 00:05:58,014
Hey, I have a fun idea.
156
00:05:58,097 --> 00:06:00,057
Let's do Kimmy's family tree.
157
00:06:00,141 --> 00:06:02,602
We don't know anything about her.
158
00:06:02,686 --> 00:06:04,604
Um, I don't really like
talking about myself.
159
00:06:04,688 --> 00:06:06,314
Oh, but can you?
160
00:06:06,397 --> 00:06:08,858
'Cause I actually don't
even know your last name.
161
00:06:08,941 --> 00:06:10,318
Smith.
162
00:06:10,401 --> 00:06:11,736
Of course it is.
163
00:06:11,819 --> 00:06:13,321
And you're from?
164
00:06:13,404 --> 00:06:14,447
Ohio.
165
00:06:14,531 --> 00:06:16,366
No way! Where?
166
00:06:16,449 --> 00:06:18,493
My mom's from Shaker Heights.
167
00:06:18,576 --> 00:06:19,827
The middle?
168
00:06:19,910 --> 00:06:22,997
Middle... town.
169
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,875
Damn it. There's a Middletown, Ohio.
170
00:06:25,958 --> 00:06:27,627
Of course there is, Xan.
171
00:06:27,711 --> 00:06:29,128
And phones have maps of Ohio,
172
00:06:29,212 --> 00:06:31,548
and I knew both of those things before now.
173
00:06:43,518 --> 00:06:44,935
Hey.
174
00:06:45,019 --> 00:06:46,437
Why are you so dressed up?
175
00:06:46,521 --> 00:06:49,607
In this neighborhood, dressed like that,
176
00:06:49,691 --> 00:06:51,568
someone might think you got money.
177
00:06:51,651 --> 00:06:53,361
I'm not so sure I appreciate
your tone, Lillian.
178
00:06:53,444 --> 00:06:54,945
If this is about my mishap in the bath
179
00:06:55,029 --> 00:06:57,240
Titus. My floor is warped.
180
00:06:57,323 --> 00:06:59,950
All of my cats are piling up in one corner.
181
00:07:00,034 --> 00:07:02,746
And if I had any money,
I would give it to you,
182
00:07:02,828 --> 00:07:04,205
but I'm unemployed.
183
00:07:04,288 --> 00:07:05,873
And Kimmy's backpack got stolen,
184
00:07:05,956 --> 00:07:07,500
and that gold tooth I tried to pawn
185
00:07:07,584 --> 00:07:09,753
turned out to be just a very yellow tooth.
186
00:07:09,835 --> 00:07:11,588
Right. So you're broke.
187
00:07:11,671 --> 00:07:13,130
But you're walking around dressed up
188
00:07:13,214 --> 00:07:16,008
like a USC cornerback on draft day.
189
00:07:16,092 --> 00:07:18,803
For your information, the
reason I put this suit on
190
00:07:18,886 --> 00:07:21,472
is because I'm going...
191
00:07:21,556 --> 00:07:24,559
to a funeral.
192
00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:28,104
I'm so sorry. Oh, it was someone close.
193
00:07:28,187 --> 00:07:29,230
Uh...
194
00:07:29,313 --> 00:07:32,275
Oh, you poor thing.
195
00:07:32,358 --> 00:07:34,694
That's it. I'm going with you.
196
00:07:36,904 --> 00:07:38,114
Siri?
197
00:07:38,197 --> 00:07:40,366
What can I help you with?
198
00:07:40,450 --> 00:07:41,743
I'm a Mole Woman.
199
00:07:41,826 --> 00:07:44,203
That's messed up.
200
00:07:44,287 --> 00:07:47,915
Well, I'm off to see Joyce, my therapist.
201
00:07:47,998 --> 00:07:51,085
- Oh, like a mental therapist?
- Mm-hmm.
202
00:07:51,168 --> 00:07:53,045
Does it feel good to talk to her?
203
00:07:53,129 --> 00:07:56,090
Yes, although for my taste,
it's a little too much penis.
204
00:07:56,173 --> 00:07:57,634
Oh, sorry. Freud.
205
00:07:57,717 --> 00:08:00,303
- And it's $500 an hour.
- Oh.
206
00:08:00,386 --> 00:08:02,806
Yeah, I-I just wish I had
someone to talk to for free.
207
00:08:02,888 --> 00:08:06,684
Oh, well, of course you're
looking for someone to talk to.
208
00:08:06,768 --> 00:08:08,645
I was just like you once.
209
00:08:08,728 --> 00:08:10,896
Yes, you're shorter and
have a much heavier step,
210
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,774
like a tired, old man.
211
00:08:12,857 --> 00:08:16,778
But I remember what it's like
being all alone in New York.
212
00:08:16,861 --> 00:08:19,113
So what's your plan?
213
00:08:19,196 --> 00:08:20,490
I mean, you have maybe four years
214
00:08:20,573 --> 00:08:22,074
of that youthful glow left.
215
00:08:22,158 --> 00:08:23,576
After that, you'll be stuck marrying
216
00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:25,536
a primary care physician
217
00:08:25,620 --> 00:08:26,996
or one of those off-brand Kennedys.
218
00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:28,790
I'm not looking to get married.
219
00:08:28,873 --> 00:08:31,793
No, not right now, but the
clock is ticking, Kimmy.
220
00:08:31,876 --> 00:08:33,210
And I do happen to know
221
00:08:33,294 --> 00:08:35,463
all the richest bachelors in Manhattan.
222
00:08:35,546 --> 00:08:37,757
Whom could you have lunch with today?
223
00:08:37,841 --> 00:08:39,967
Today? Like, for a date?
224
00:08:40,050 --> 00:08:41,469
Grant Belden.
225
00:08:41,552 --> 00:08:44,096
He's very available and fabulously wealthy.
226
00:08:44,180 --> 00:08:46,265
He doesn't even work. He could do lunch.
227
00:08:46,349 --> 00:08:49,727
Um, I'm not sure I'm
ready for a "date" date.
228
00:08:49,811 --> 00:08:51,771
Oh, true. You look like
you slept in those clothes.
229
00:08:51,855 --> 00:08:53,981
Well, go spruce up and
meet him at Bistro Madison.
230
00:08:54,064 --> 00:08:55,608
Just relax and be yourself.
231
00:08:55,692 --> 00:08:57,276
Also, I've seen you eat, so don't.
232
00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,237
Oh, yay!
233
00:09:09,664 --> 00:09:13,877
I didn't know you had
an elderly Korean friend.
234
00:09:13,959 --> 00:09:16,587
Speaking of which, I
think that Kim Jong Jr.
235
00:09:16,671 --> 00:09:18,339
is doing a bang-up job.
236
00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:21,342
What is that?
237
00:09:23,177 --> 00:09:25,889
I was asked to sing here...
238
00:09:25,971 --> 00:09:27,557
at the funeral...
239
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,141
of my dear friend...
240
00:09:31,977 --> 00:09:33,855
Son Hae Sop.
241
00:09:34,605 --> 00:09:38,735
I hope you sing one of
those sad Boyz II Men songs.
242
00:09:38,818 --> 00:09:43,406
They always remind me of
all the homies I've lost.
243
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,452
Okay. I'm going on a date.
244
00:09:48,536 --> 00:09:50,079
What kind of socks do you wear on a date?
245
00:09:50,162 --> 00:09:52,081
Idiot! You're going to a nice restaurant.
246
00:09:52,164 --> 00:09:53,583
They probably have socks there.
247
00:09:53,999 --> 00:09:55,251
I don't know how to do this.
248
00:09:55,334 --> 00:09:57,002
I've never put on makeup in my life.
249
00:09:57,336 --> 00:10:00,381
I don't think this is for me.
250
00:10:05,219 --> 00:10:06,596
Ow. Ow!
251
00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:08,431
Dang this fancy comb!
252
00:10:08,514 --> 00:10:11,935
I think
I'm gonna have the...
253
00:10:12,017 --> 00:10:13,060
steak.
254
00:10:14,437 --> 00:10:15,813
All I wanted was someone to talk to.
255
00:10:15,897 --> 00:10:17,857
Now I'm meeting some boy at a restaurant.
256
00:10:17,941 --> 00:10:19,108
This is so wack!
257
00:10:19,191 --> 00:10:22,027
In the bunker, I was perfectly
happy just talking to myself,
258
00:10:22,111 --> 00:10:23,446
like this.
259
00:10:26,741 --> 00:10:27,867
I saw that in a movie once.
260
00:10:27,951 --> 00:10:30,703
I know. I was with you. Oh, right.
261
00:10:34,624 --> 00:10:36,960
Um, Grant Belden?
262
00:10:37,042 --> 00:10:38,127
No.
263
00:10:38,210 --> 00:10:39,796
Oh, good. I
264
00:10:39,879 --> 00:10:43,716
You're not Grant Belden. I'm Grant Belden.
265
00:11:01,484 --> 00:11:04,069
♪ Close your eyes ♪
266
00:11:04,153 --> 00:11:06,238
♪ Make a wish ♪
267
00:11:06,322 --> 00:11:11,702
♪ And blow out the candlelight ♪
268
00:11:11,786 --> 00:11:14,664
Boyz II Men. Yeah, sing it, baby, man.
269
00:11:14,747 --> 00:11:16,707
I miss you, homies.
270
00:11:16,916 --> 00:11:20,294
♪ We're gonna celebrate ♪
271
00:11:20,377 --> 00:11:22,087
♪ All through the night ♪
272
00:11:22,171 --> 00:11:24,924
♪ I'll make love to you ♪
273
00:11:25,008 --> 00:11:27,426
♪ When you want me to ♪
274
00:11:27,510 --> 00:11:30,972
Oh, God, it's the wrong Boyz II Men song.
275
00:11:31,055 --> 00:11:33,390
♪ Baby, all through the night ♪
276
00:11:33,474 --> 00:11:35,935
♪ I'll make love to you ♪
277
00:11:36,019 --> 00:11:38,980
♪ Like you want me to ♪
278
00:11:39,063 --> 00:11:41,941
♪ And I will not let go ♪
279
00:11:42,025 --> 00:11:44,819
♪ Till you tell me to ♪
280
00:11:46,195 --> 00:11:48,322
I'm not supposed to have ice cream.
281
00:11:48,405 --> 00:11:49,532
Oh.
282
00:11:49,615 --> 00:11:52,660
I promise I won't tell.
283
00:11:52,743 --> 00:11:54,662
Well, you're a pretty nurse.
284
00:11:54,745 --> 00:11:56,664
Oh, that's nice, but I'm not a nurse.
285
00:11:56,747 --> 00:11:58,958
I'm Kimmy, Jacqueline's friend.
286
00:11:59,042 --> 00:12:00,668
Who? Kennedy?
287
00:12:00,751 --> 00:12:02,879
Give her my best.
288
00:12:02,962 --> 00:12:06,298
Ah, Rexy. Here you go!
289
00:12:06,382 --> 00:12:08,258
Good dog.
290
00:12:08,342 --> 00:12:10,302
Oh, you're hungry today, aren't you?
291
00:12:10,386 --> 00:12:12,722
Good dog.
292
00:12:12,805 --> 00:12:15,099
Mr. Belden, I don't know
if I should tell you this,
293
00:12:15,182 --> 00:12:16,600
but there's no dog.
294
00:12:16,684 --> 00:12:18,853
I don't know if I should tell you this,
295
00:12:18,936 --> 00:12:23,024
but I slept with my twin brother's wife.
296
00:12:23,107 --> 00:12:26,360
I told her I was him.
297
00:12:26,443 --> 00:12:29,989
She had no idea. Shh, shh, shh.
298
00:12:30,073 --> 00:12:31,448
So how's your ice cream?
299
00:12:31,532 --> 00:12:34,702
Cold! Oh, so cold.
300
00:12:34,785 --> 00:12:37,413
The Krauts had us surrounded in Bastogne.
301
00:12:37,496 --> 00:12:39,623
We nearly froze to death.
302
00:12:39,707 --> 00:12:42,376
But we kept each other warm...
303
00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:44,461
any way we could.
304
00:12:44,545 --> 00:12:48,382
When I was eight, I stole $5
305
00:12:48,465 --> 00:12:50,134
from my mother's purse.
306
00:12:50,217 --> 00:12:53,012
Yes, well, Mother could be strict.
307
00:12:53,096 --> 00:12:55,681
But she always kept a pocket
full of chocolate syrup
308
00:12:55,765 --> 00:12:58,142
for the wee ones.
309
00:12:58,225 --> 00:13:00,185
I can tell you anything, can't I?
310
00:13:00,269 --> 00:13:02,354
I can talk to you, and you
won't think I'm a freak,
311
00:13:02,438 --> 00:13:04,732
like Titus or that jerk Siri.
312
00:13:04,815 --> 00:13:07,317
You won't even remember!
313
00:13:07,401 --> 00:13:08,778
Hot dog.
314
00:13:08,861 --> 00:13:11,447
I'm a Mole Woman.
315
00:13:11,530 --> 00:13:13,783
When we got to Dusseldorf,
they made us shoot
316
00:13:13,866 --> 00:13:16,201
all the zoo animals.
317
00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,537
I was kept underground for 15 years
318
00:13:18,621 --> 00:13:20,081
by an insane preacher.
319
00:13:20,164 --> 00:13:22,708
I ate giraffe, and I liked it.
320
00:13:35,304 --> 00:13:36,680
Jackie Lynn.
321
00:13:36,764 --> 00:13:38,891
I told you, it's Jacqueline now.
322
00:13:38,975 --> 00:13:41,518
Jackie Lynn is a cheap stripper name.
323
00:13:41,602 --> 00:13:43,146
Jacqueline is a classy stripper name.
324
00:13:43,228 --> 00:13:44,688
Ehh.
325
00:13:44,772 --> 00:13:47,483
Your father was elected
chair of Tribal Council.
326
00:13:47,566 --> 00:13:49,944
You really should come back
to this year's Sun Dance.
327
00:13:50,027 --> 00:13:51,904
Sundance? The film festival?
328
00:13:51,988 --> 00:13:54,448
I hear Kevin Smith has really
outdone himself this time.
329
00:13:54,531 --> 00:13:56,075
He's a hack.
330
00:13:56,159 --> 00:13:58,661
And we're talking about
the Lakota Sun Dance.
331
00:13:58,744 --> 00:13:59,954
Jeez, Jackie Lynn,
332
00:14:00,037 --> 00:14:01,538
where is the morning star necklace
333
00:14:01,622 --> 00:14:02,790
that your grandmother made?
334
00:14:02,873 --> 00:14:03,958
I sold it.
335
00:14:04,041 --> 00:14:06,752
I sold all my old trinkets
so that I could own Manhattan,
336
00:14:06,836 --> 00:14:08,087
and it's working.
337
00:14:08,171 --> 00:14:09,213
I'm a stewardess.
338
00:14:09,296 --> 00:14:10,714
I'm dating a rich, older man,
339
00:14:10,798 --> 00:14:12,758
and I'm lying to him
about my birth control.
340
00:14:12,842 --> 00:14:14,510
Ay.
341
00:14:14,593 --> 00:14:16,303
Aren't you happy for me?
342
00:14:16,386 --> 00:14:18,639
I'm actually succeeding here.
343
00:14:18,722 --> 00:14:20,599
And someday I'll have enough money
344
00:14:20,683 --> 00:14:23,019
so you guys can come to
New York and live with me.
345
00:14:23,102 --> 00:14:24,937
We don't want to live in New York.
346
00:14:25,021 --> 00:14:26,772
The littering here makes me cry.
347
00:14:26,856 --> 00:14:28,524
I don't know you anymore.
348
00:14:28,607 --> 00:14:30,484
Jac-que-line.
349
00:14:31,651 --> 00:14:32,926
- _
- That means you're supposed to think
350
00:14:32,927 --> 00:14:33,904
of other people,
351
00:14:33,988 --> 00:14:35,948
and you only care about yourself.
352
00:14:36,032 --> 00:14:37,992
You've forgotten everything we taught you.
353
00:14:38,075 --> 00:14:40,036
Yeah, well, some of the
things you taught me were dumb,
354
00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:41,871
like using the whole buffalo.
355
00:14:41,954 --> 00:14:44,207
Some parts just aren't good, guys,
356
00:14:44,289 --> 00:14:46,042
for example, the poop.
357
00:14:46,125 --> 00:14:48,169
No one told you to use the poop.
358
00:14:48,252 --> 00:14:49,461
Oh.
359
00:14:49,545 --> 00:14:51,130
We wanted you to come back with us.
360
00:14:51,214 --> 00:14:54,258
That's why we came all this
way in the great iron eagle.
361
00:14:54,341 --> 00:14:55,676
I'm kidding.
362
00:14:55,759 --> 00:14:58,137
I know what planes are.
I was in the Air Force.
363
00:14:58,221 --> 00:14:59,513
But...
364
00:14:59,596 --> 00:15:01,265
this feels like goodbye.
365
00:15:03,017 --> 00:15:05,019
Fine.
366
00:15:05,102 --> 00:15:07,396
If that's how you feel...
367
00:15:11,984 --> 00:15:13,027
Goodbye.
368
00:15:14,319 --> 00:15:16,113
Sorry. Grant and I just kept talking,
369
00:15:16,197 --> 00:15:17,698
and I don't have a watch,
370
00:15:17,781 --> 00:15:20,951
and then I realized my
phone has a clock on it.
371
00:15:21,035 --> 00:15:22,619
Where is Cupertino?
372
00:15:22,703 --> 00:15:23,954
So you two hit it off?
373
00:15:24,038 --> 00:15:25,956
We're actually having dinner tonight.
374
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,001
Well, not tonight, 3:00 pm.
375
00:15:29,085 --> 00:15:30,627
I knew it!
376
00:15:30,711 --> 00:15:33,047
You know, at first, I was
afraid, "Is he too old?
377
00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:34,381
Is it weird that all of his wives
378
00:15:34,464 --> 00:15:36,133
have been killed in boating accidents?"
379
00:15:36,217 --> 00:15:37,518
But then I thought,
380
00:15:37,601 --> 00:15:39,636
"He has a floor-through
apartment at 1134 Fifth Avenue.
381
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:42,306
You, sir, can kill me on a boat anytime."
382
00:15:43,473 --> 00:15:45,893
Oh, Charles, you're
gonna have to take Buckley
383
00:15:45,976 --> 00:15:47,019
to lacrosse today.
384
00:15:47,103 --> 00:15:48,229
Why?
385
00:15:48,312 --> 00:15:50,231
Because Kimmy has a second date.
386
00:15:50,314 --> 00:15:51,398
Yay.
387
00:15:53,317 --> 00:15:54,693
Sorry about that.
388
00:15:54,777 --> 00:15:56,237
Well, I guess we're not all cute enough
389
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:57,446
to get set up by Jacqueline.
390
00:15:57,529 --> 00:15:58,572
Who is? What?
391
00:15:58,655 --> 00:15:59,740
Me is? Shut up. Hello?
392
00:15:59,823 --> 00:16:01,117
Hello, hello?
393
00:16:04,995 --> 00:16:06,705
Why are you so weird?
394
00:16:06,789 --> 00:16:08,373
Why am I rubber and you're glue?
395
00:16:08,457 --> 00:16:12,128
You're going on another
date with Grant Belden?
396
00:16:12,211 --> 00:16:13,545
That dude's, like, older than rocks,
397
00:16:13,629 --> 00:16:15,298
and he fought in some war with Germany,
398
00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:16,799
the guys from soccer.
399
00:16:16,882 --> 00:16:18,759
Why would you ever go out with him?
400
00:16:18,842 --> 00:16:21,053
Why do you care?
401
00:16:21,137 --> 00:16:22,263
Step off, Xan.
402
00:16:22,346 --> 00:16:24,514
"Step off"?
403
00:16:24,598 --> 00:16:27,601
Every time you open your
mouth, I get one step closer
404
00:16:27,684 --> 00:16:30,020
to figuring out what your deal is.
405
00:16:30,104 --> 00:16:34,191
And then this is all over.
406
00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:39,113
Sometimes the Reverend
would tie our hair together.
407
00:16:39,196 --> 00:16:40,864
He called it a "braidipede."
408
00:16:40,948 --> 00:16:45,077
Once, I surrendered to what
turned out to be a statue.
409
00:16:45,161 --> 00:16:47,204
Do you think going
through something like that
410
00:16:47,288 --> 00:16:50,499
a war or whatever makes
you a better person?
411
00:16:50,582 --> 00:16:53,543
Or deep down, does it just
make you bitter and angry?
412
00:16:53,627 --> 00:16:56,922
No! Rexy, put it down!
413
00:16:57,006 --> 00:16:58,465
Drop it!
414
00:16:59,925 --> 00:17:02,511
I choked my roommate in
my sleep this morning.
415
00:17:02,594 --> 00:17:04,221
And I didn't tell him
this, but the other day,
416
00:17:04,305 --> 00:17:06,473
I woke up in the shower, cleaning a knife.
417
00:17:06,556 --> 00:17:09,101
What had I done with it?
418
00:17:09,185 --> 00:17:11,603
Do I ever get to be normal again?
419
00:17:11,687 --> 00:17:14,357
This soup is freezing!
420
00:17:14,439 --> 00:17:15,774
I don't think this is working.
421
00:17:15,858 --> 00:17:17,943
What the living hell is this?
422
00:17:18,027 --> 00:17:19,820
It's not enough just
to say things out loud.
423
00:17:19,903 --> 00:17:21,738
I need someone I can talk with.
424
00:17:21,822 --> 00:17:24,533
You may as well be that old
volleyball I drew a face on.
425
00:17:24,616 --> 00:17:26,785
Wilson, from Cast Away?
426
00:17:26,869 --> 00:17:28,578
More nonsense.
427
00:17:28,662 --> 00:17:30,455
Look, you're a very nice
man, but you're not gonna be
428
00:17:30,539 --> 00:17:32,208
the person I can talk to about the bunker.
429
00:17:32,291 --> 00:17:34,543
The bunker?
430
00:17:34,626 --> 00:17:35,836
How do you know about that?
431
00:17:35,919 --> 00:17:37,380
No. No, no. Different bunker.
432
00:17:37,462 --> 00:17:40,674
I swore I'd take that secret to my grave,
433
00:17:40,757 --> 00:17:42,301
and I did!
434
00:17:42,385 --> 00:17:45,595
But then I clawed my way
out, and I still kept it.
435
00:17:45,679 --> 00:17:46,930
Oh, who are you?
436
00:17:47,014 --> 00:17:49,641
Mr. Belden, I'm Kimmy Schmidt.
437
00:17:49,725 --> 00:17:50,893
Schmidt!
438
00:17:50,976 --> 00:17:53,437
- You're a German spy.
- No.
439
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,232
I know a Kraut posing
as a French prostitute
440
00:17:56,315 --> 00:17:57,566
when I see one.
441
00:17:57,649 --> 00:18:00,361
"Prostitute"? "French"?
442
00:18:00,444 --> 00:18:01,820
I'm an American.
443
00:18:01,904 --> 00:18:03,780
Oh, all right, American.
444
00:18:03,864 --> 00:18:07,784
What was the batting
order of the 1938 Yankees?
445
00:18:07,868 --> 00:18:09,536
Oh, who would know that?
446
00:18:09,619 --> 00:18:11,997
Not you, you hooker! Aah!
447
00:18:12,081 --> 00:18:14,541
Wha... Oh! God!
448
00:18:14,624 --> 00:18:17,253
Batting fourth, Joe DiMaggio,
449
00:18:17,336 --> 00:18:19,671
fifth, the Iron Horse, Lou Gehrig,
450
00:18:19,755 --> 00:18:21,631
Bill Dickey, Joe Gordon.
451
00:18:21,715 --> 00:18:23,842
- Mm, Mrs. Voorhees?
- Hi.
452
00:18:23,926 --> 00:18:25,761
Thank you. I am.
453
00:18:25,844 --> 00:18:28,764
Just getting a run in 'cause
I only worked out twice today.
454
00:18:28,847 --> 00:18:30,433
Wait. Where's Grant?
455
00:18:30,515 --> 00:18:32,726
Don't talk to her, Mrs. Roosevelt!
456
00:18:32,809 --> 00:18:33,852
She's a spy!
457
00:18:33,936 --> 00:18:35,062
He thinks he's in the war.
458
00:18:35,145 --> 00:18:37,273
I'm trying to lure him
back home, so he'll be safe.
459
00:18:37,356 --> 00:18:38,899
I though this might happen.
460
00:18:38,982 --> 00:18:40,525
At the Met Ball last year,
461
00:18:40,609 --> 00:18:42,652
he punched Blake Lively
because she said "gesundheit."
462
00:18:42,736 --> 00:18:44,321
Grenade!
463
00:18:44,405 --> 00:18:46,031
- Maybe I can help.
- Ow.
464
00:18:46,115 --> 00:18:49,493
I did pick up some German
during my stewardess days.
465
00:18:49,576 --> 00:18:52,621
_
466
00:18:52,704 --> 00:18:55,458
_
467
00:18:55,791 --> 00:18:58,835
Well, that's not Eleanor Roosevelt.
468
00:18:58,919 --> 00:19:02,214
It's a spy with the same sweet caboose.
469
00:19:02,298 --> 00:19:03,340
Aah!
470
00:19:05,217 --> 00:19:06,676
That was humiliating!
471
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:07,970
And I wish I knew what
"heu-geen-babo" means.
472
00:19:08,053 --> 00:19:08,929
_
473
00:19:09,012 --> 00:19:10,931
Man, you really don't
want to pay me, do you?
474
00:19:11,014 --> 00:19:12,433
Lillian, I told you, I'm broke!
475
00:19:12,516 --> 00:19:15,269
Liar. I saw you yesterday.
476
00:19:15,352 --> 00:19:18,522
I was doing my exercises, and as you know,
477
00:19:18,605 --> 00:19:21,566
my floor suffered some water damage.
478
00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:23,652
Son of a...
479
00:19:28,031 --> 00:19:29,908
Gay Judas!
480
00:19:29,992 --> 00:19:31,618
I can't believe you!
481
00:19:31,701 --> 00:19:33,996
Here, take it. It doesn't matter anyway.
482
00:19:34,079 --> 00:19:35,205
Thanks to your shenanigans,
483
00:19:35,289 --> 00:19:37,791
I missed my head shot appointment.
484
00:19:37,874 --> 00:19:39,168
Wait.
485
00:19:39,251 --> 00:19:41,211
Head shots? Really?
486
00:19:41,295 --> 00:19:43,213
I figured the money
was for something weird,
487
00:19:43,297 --> 00:19:44,673
like Barbie shoes.
488
00:19:44,756 --> 00:19:46,509
Barbie shoes aren't weird, Lillian!
489
00:19:46,591 --> 00:19:48,718
Hoarding newspapers is weird.
490
00:19:48,802 --> 00:19:53,516
Wrong. Buying end tables is
weird when you got newspapers.
491
00:19:53,598 --> 00:19:55,058
Eh, here, take the money.
492
00:19:55,142 --> 00:19:57,227
What? Why? Oh, God, are you dying?
493
00:19:57,311 --> 00:19:59,104
I knew it. You look horrible.
494
00:19:59,188 --> 00:20:00,439
Titus...
495
00:20:00,523 --> 00:20:02,858
you need to share your talent.
496
00:20:05,110 --> 00:20:07,154
Thank you, Lillian.
497
00:20:07,237 --> 00:20:08,989
You know what?
498
00:20:09,072 --> 00:20:11,658
When I win my Tony Award,
you'll be the first person I...
499
00:20:11,741 --> 00:20:12,784
Nice suit, money bags!
500
00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:14,786
Oh, no! Oh!
501
00:20:15,871 --> 00:20:19,833
For that to happen on the day
that we buried Son Hae Sop.
502
00:20:19,916 --> 00:20:21,293
It's too bad about Grant.
503
00:20:21,377 --> 00:20:24,463
Deep down, he really is
a wonderful apartment.
504
00:20:24,547 --> 00:20:26,173
Can you speed him up again?
505
00:20:26,756 --> 00:20:29,552
_
506
00:20:29,634 --> 00:20:31,094
That's a lie!
507
00:20:31,178 --> 00:20:32,637
Oh.
508
00:20:32,929 --> 00:20:34,681
It's so big, he's in a wheelchair.
509
00:20:34,764 --> 00:20:37,642
Kimmy, I apologize for this.
510
00:20:37,726 --> 00:20:39,102
It's okay.
511
00:20:39,186 --> 00:20:40,354
It was probably dumb of me
512
00:20:40,437 --> 00:20:41,855
to think that anyone in New York City
513
00:20:41,938 --> 00:20:43,482
would get what I've been through.
514
00:20:43,566 --> 00:20:45,234
You know, Ohio.
515
00:20:45,317 --> 00:20:47,694
Being single in New York is sheer torture.
516
00:20:47,777 --> 00:20:49,779
Torture? I'll talk!
517
00:20:49,863 --> 00:20:52,282
The invasion is planned for Normandy.
518
00:20:52,366 --> 00:20:54,284
Sir? Mr. Belden, this way.
519
00:20:54,368 --> 00:20:57,162
Oh, I went outside today.
520
00:21:01,542 --> 00:21:03,210
Jacqueline, we have a problem.
521
00:21:03,293 --> 00:21:05,295
How far along are you?
We'll say Kimmy's the mom.
522
00:21:05,379 --> 00:21:06,838
I'm not pregnant.
523
00:21:06,922 --> 00:21:08,882
This woman has the keys to our house,
524
00:21:08,965 --> 00:21:10,593
and we don't even know who she is.
525
00:21:10,675 --> 00:21:13,512
Kimmy Smith from Middletown, Ohio,
526
00:21:13,596 --> 00:21:14,804
I've been Googling you.
527
00:21:14,888 --> 00:21:16,432
You have? I didn't feel it.
528
00:21:16,515 --> 00:21:19,560
God, everything you say is insane.
529
00:21:19,643 --> 00:21:21,520
I can't find anything out about you online.
530
00:21:21,604 --> 00:21:22,854
Anything.
531
00:21:22,938 --> 00:21:25,315
Is Kimmy Smith even your real name?
532
00:21:25,399 --> 00:21:27,692
Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees,
533
00:21:27,776 --> 00:21:29,736
how about you mind your own damn business?
534
00:21:29,819 --> 00:21:31,738
Women have secrets, okay?
535
00:21:31,821 --> 00:21:33,782
Who knows what Kimmy had to do to get here.
536
00:21:33,865 --> 00:21:35,200
Maybe she was a hooker.
537
00:21:35,284 --> 00:21:38,120
Okay, is this how
prostitutes dress nowadays?
538
00:21:38,203 --> 00:21:39,704
Admit that that was a weird thing to say.
539
00:21:39,788 --> 00:21:42,040
No. Her past doesn't matter.
540
00:21:42,124 --> 00:21:43,959
People come to New York
and start new lives,
541
00:21:44,042 --> 00:21:45,586
and it gets complicated.
542
00:21:45,669 --> 00:21:47,421
And you, of all people,
don't get to judge her.
543
00:21:47,504 --> 00:21:49,214
Your greatest accomplishment in life
544
00:21:49,298 --> 00:21:51,341
is pulling off that lipstick,
which you have to let me borrow.
545
00:21:51,425 --> 00:21:52,509
It looks awesome.
546
00:21:52,593 --> 00:21:56,472
Now, take your spoiled ass
upstairs and go to your rooms.
547
00:21:56,555 --> 00:21:58,557
This is bullying, you know.
548
00:21:58,641 --> 00:22:00,601
I'm being bullied, and I'm not even fat!
549
00:22:05,063 --> 00:22:07,774
White people... am I right?
550
00:22:13,572 --> 00:22:15,157
- Hey.
- Hey.
551
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,992
Sorry you had to cover for me.
552
00:22:17,075 --> 00:22:18,743
It was not worth it.
553
00:22:18,827 --> 00:22:20,829
My date tried to kill me with a pine cone.
554
00:22:20,912 --> 00:22:22,205
Yeah.
555
00:22:22,289 --> 00:22:23,707
Yeah, sure. We've all been there.
556
00:22:23,790 --> 00:22:26,168
Oh.
557
00:22:26,251 --> 00:22:28,671
Uh, Buckley's lacrosse was actually fun.
558
00:22:28,753 --> 00:22:30,506
He kept getting nailed by the ball.
559
00:22:30,589 --> 00:22:31,840
And I know it's wrong,
560
00:22:31,923 --> 00:22:34,926
but, oh, man, it was so satisfying.
561
00:22:35,010 --> 00:22:36,178
So...
562
00:22:36,261 --> 00:22:37,721
um...
563
00:22:37,804 --> 00:22:39,848
maybe tomorrow I'll go with you,
564
00:22:39,931 --> 00:22:41,808
you know, just keep you company.
565
00:22:41,891 --> 00:22:43,602
Okay. Sure.
566
00:22:45,187 --> 00:22:47,648
Later, gator.
567
00:22:56,990 --> 00:22:59,576
_
568
00:23:00,452 --> 00:23:01,620
Buddy.
569
00:23:05,908 --> 00:23:10,908
Synced and corrected by ~ShadowBird~
www.addic7ed.com
39731
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