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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,182 --> 00:00:01,402 What am I? Old Man Winter? 2 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:03,404 I know. The grays came in all at once. 3 00:00:03,436 --> 00:00:04,738 You're 48. 4 00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:07,007 I need, like, visual evidence that 5 00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,175 I am this age. 6 00:00:08,208 --> 00:00:10,211 - Is that your sperm? - Yes. 7 00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,647 Let's get together, and we'll have a baby. 8 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:15,416 But seriously, if you, uh, want to pop a goonie or two 9 00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:17,084 out of this old pirate's cove, 10 00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:18,052 I think you've got time. 11 00:00:22,221 --> 00:00:23,957 You really need to do something worthwhile 12 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,459 with your life. 13 00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:29,029 Fred, do you want to have a baby with me? 14 00:00:29,061 --> 00:00:30,262 Yeah. 15 00:00:30,297 --> 00:00:33,134 [Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing] 16 00:00:46,879 --> 00:00:50,257 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 17 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:54,420 - This is it. - We're having sex. 18 00:00:54,453 --> 00:00:55,822 - Yeah. - We're really gonna do it. 19 00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:58,992 All right. 20 00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:00,193 Well, why don't we ease into it? 21 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:02,462 - Okay. What? All right. - Like-- it-- 22 00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,999 69 is this, this, this, this. 23 00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:07,468 It's like an X, right? 24 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,969 Right, so I get aroused, aroused, aroused. 25 00:01:10,002 --> 00:01:11,204 Go on top, on top, on top. 26 00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,340 Uh, j-- little jackhammer, kind of, 27 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:14,374 I mean, do you want to dry hump? 28 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:15,475 I picture eyes closed. 29 00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:17,278 Maybe hands out to the side. 30 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:18,913 - Do you need magazines? - Yes. 31 00:01:18,945 --> 00:01:20,346 Okay, well, I just have "The New Yorker." 32 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:21,816 I'm kind of a slow reader. 33 00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,450 Anything there about foreign people, 34 00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:25,252 just kind of like Euro ladies. 35 00:01:25,284 --> 00:01:26,986 Well, I think there's a thing in "Talk Of the Town" 36 00:01:27,019 --> 00:01:28,221 about a woman that's, like, 37 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,857 shopping in a local farmer's market. 38 00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:31,224 - Y-- yes. - She's at the farmer's market, 39 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:34,161 and-- and she's feeling around for-- for melons. 40 00:01:34,193 --> 00:01:35,462 - Pants off. - Shit. 41 00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:37,331 - [zipper unzipping] - All right, you ready? 42 00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,532 So this is me. I'm coming towards you. 43 00:01:39,565 --> 00:01:41,602 Okay, I'm, oh, I'm spreading. 44 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,469 - There we are, and-- - And? 45 00:01:43,502 --> 00:01:45,038 That's me right there. 46 00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:46,573 And in. 47 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:48,474 - And? - Out. 48 00:01:48,508 --> 00:01:49,910 - Yeah, but not fully out. - No. 49 00:01:49,942 --> 00:01:51,144 - Just-- - Just a little. 50 00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:53,046 both: In... and out. 51 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,315 In... and out. 52 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,450 There we go. 53 00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:59,486 [bed creaking] 54 00:01:59,519 --> 00:02:02,389 - So I'm almost gonna do it. - Okay, great. 55 00:02:02,421 --> 00:02:03,890 - And... here we go. - Great, great. 56 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,392 Good, good, good, good, good. 57 00:02:05,424 --> 00:02:06,459 - Ta-dah. - [scoffs] 58 00:02:06,493 --> 00:02:07,995 You just finished on my stomach. 59 00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:10,130 [groans] I'm such an idiot. 60 00:02:10,162 --> 00:02:12,099 I'm just so used to doing it that way. 61 00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:14,033 I-- I'm so sorry. Oh. 62 00:02:14,066 --> 00:02:15,201 - Let's try again. - Okay. 63 00:02:15,234 --> 00:02:16,904 We get started and... 64 00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:20,173 both: In... and out. In... and out. 65 00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:23,077 There we go, and ta-dah. 66 00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:25,345 You did the same thing. Uh, don't worry about it. 67 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,547 I can just use the mayor's sperm. 68 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,148 The mayor's sperm? 69 00:02:28,180 --> 00:02:29,649 He made a canister of it. 70 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,251 That's great. I want some of that. 71 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,887 You didn't really need me then, did you? 72 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:35,589 This was kind of like pity sex in a way. 73 00:02:35,621 --> 00:02:38,024 I mean, you're my best friend. I guess I felt bad 74 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,927 that I was gonna have a baby with you. 75 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:41,195 Well then, we dodged a bullet. 76 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:42,495 I'm glad we didn't have a baby. 77 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,465 All right. 78 00:02:47,566 --> 00:02:50,203 [indistinct chatter] 79 00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,605 [knocking] 80 00:02:51,637 --> 00:02:53,106 Hi, uh, Mr. M? 81 00:02:53,139 --> 00:02:54,607 I used to go to school here, 82 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:56,677 and you were my guidance counselor. 83 00:02:56,709 --> 00:02:59,245 Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell. 84 00:02:59,279 --> 00:03:01,649 Remember? My hair was darker. 85 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,250 Oh, yeah. I remember now. 86 00:03:03,282 --> 00:03:04,684 Little Frankie Armistein. 87 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,553 - No. Fred Armisen. - That's what I said. 88 00:03:06,585 --> 00:03:07,588 Frankie Armistein. 89 00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,389 Well, I'm 48 now, 90 00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,492 and I haven't done anything with my life, really. 91 00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,192 Except for, like, going gray. 92 00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:14,662 So maybe you could help me. 93 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,995 Hmm. 94 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,931 I've got some brochures here 95 00:03:17,964 --> 00:03:20,133 that you might want to take a look at. 96 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,202 Have you ever thought about going back to school? 97 00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:24,137 [groans] I don't know. 98 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,506 I mean, it's, like, I wouldn't even know where to go. 99 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:26,974 Damn. I tell you what. 100 00:03:27,006 --> 00:03:28,508 Here's one on marriage. 101 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:31,011 Getting married? By the time everything worked out, 102 00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:32,312 I'd be, like, 55 or something. 103 00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:33,947 Damn. There goes another one. 104 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,382 You can have a baby with your female best friend. 105 00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:37,618 You know, I've tried it already, 106 00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:38,986 and it didn't quite work out. 107 00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:41,020 Did you... on her stomach? 108 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,057 Yeah, I went... on her stomach twice. 109 00:03:43,089 --> 00:03:44,424 It's just, like, out of habit. 110 00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:45,626 Is there anything I could do that's just 111 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,060 instant and immediate, you know, 112 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,662 no training, no years. 113 00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:49,964 Just something quick. 114 00:03:49,996 --> 00:03:51,364 Ah. 115 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,734 No. 116 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,470 Oh, dammit. Let me ask you a question. 117 00:03:56,502 --> 00:03:58,505 You ever think about moving to a new city? 118 00:03:58,537 --> 00:04:01,007 - Moving to another city, huh? - Yeah. 119 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:02,710 Why is it good to move to another city? 120 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,978 That's an instant conversation piece. 121 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,181 Everybody in Portland will be saying, "Wow. 122 00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:09,149 Little Frankie Armistein moved out of town. 123 00:04:09,181 --> 00:04:10,984 He's bettering himself." 124 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,353 You think people will react that way? 125 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,520 Yeah, because it's a brand-new environment, 126 00:04:14,554 --> 00:04:16,423 brand-new lifestyle, 127 00:04:16,455 --> 00:04:18,524 and you can make brand-new friends. 128 00:04:18,558 --> 00:04:20,760 Austin, for one, is a good place to settle. 129 00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:22,695 - Austin? - Austin, Texas. 130 00:04:22,728 --> 00:04:24,365 But do I have to apply? 131 00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:27,166 All it takes is for you to get in your car and drive. 132 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,668 - That sounds pretty great. - All right. 133 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,771 Hey, yeah, I'm moving to Austin. 134 00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:33,106 I'm leaving here, leaving Portland, 135 00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,375 and I'm going to kind of be technically a Texan. 136 00:04:35,409 --> 00:04:36,676 I'm gonna have a baby. 137 00:04:36,709 --> 00:04:38,644 Finally I have a purpose, you know? 138 00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:41,014 They're making fun of me that I'm-- I'm an Austin guy. 139 00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,384 No, I'm not. I'm gonna visit. 140 00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:44,650 I'm basically gonna go home and, like, 141 00:04:44,683 --> 00:04:46,386 put a turkey baster up me, 142 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,022 - And it's gonna be awesome. - [knocking on door] 143 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,288 I'm moving to Austin. 144 00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:50,691 He heard me, right? 145 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,425 - I'm gonna have a baby. - I move to Austin. 146 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,793 - Austin, Texas. - I'm having a kid. 147 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,463 - Austin, Austin. Texas. - Baby. Baby. Baby. 148 00:04:56,495 --> 00:04:58,565 [phone ringing] 149 00:04:58,598 --> 00:05:00,134 - Howdy. - Austin. 150 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:01,501 - Portland! - Listen, I got some good news, 151 00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,404 and I've got some bad news. 152 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,272 Bad news for me, I'm losing one of my best Portlanders ever. 153 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,774 Oh, sorry to hear that. 154 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,308 Good news for you, he's coming to your city. 155 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:09,743 Oh, well, that's wonderful news. 156 00:05:09,776 --> 00:05:11,412 Can you give him a good Austin welcome? 157 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,180 Well, of course. Well get him a big hat. 158 00:05:13,212 --> 00:05:15,148 - He'll fit right in. - Well, I appreciate it, Austin. 159 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,283 - Thank you. - Keep it weird. 160 00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:17,450 - Keep it weird. - Keep it weird. 161 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:20,820 - Keep it weird. - Keep it weird. 162 00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:23,223 He's in good hands. 163 00:05:23,255 --> 00:05:25,392 - [exhales deeply] - Hey. 164 00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:28,328 It's hitting me, like, you're-- you're actually leaving. 165 00:05:28,361 --> 00:05:30,230 Yeah. I'm, like, really moving. 166 00:05:30,262 --> 00:05:32,532 We're gonna be just old friends now, like-- 167 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:34,400 No, I mean, there's still, like, you know, airplanes 168 00:05:34,433 --> 00:05:36,536 - and Skype and everything. - I know. 169 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,404 I guess what I'm saying is... I'm gonna miss you. 170 00:05:38,437 --> 00:05:41,108 Oh, I'm gonna miss you too. Um, I should probably skedaddle. 171 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,409 Yeah, yeah. You should-- You should get going. 172 00:05:43,442 --> 00:05:45,378 I mean, I suppose a car's... [Texas accent] 173 00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:47,847 kinda like a horse. You know, it knows it's own way. 174 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,517 - Are you doing an accent? - No. It's still me. 175 00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:53,821 Okay. You should probably, you know, use a map or-- 176 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,255 [Texas accent] Well, I mean, I got my guidance, 177 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:58,091 and I got my-- my wits. 178 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,661 Uh, I feel less and less like I'm gonna cry. 179 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,762 Well, maybe 'cause you know that 180 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,263 we're good friends for life. 181 00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:04,498 Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and hug you. 182 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,566 Now you get over here and give my a hug. 183 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:06,866 - Okay. - A good old Texas hug. 184 00:06:06,899 --> 00:06:10,337 Nope. Just-- in Texas, they hug the same. 185 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,172 Okay, well, drive safe. 186 00:06:12,204 --> 00:06:15,709 Let me wander into the car. 187 00:06:15,741 --> 00:06:18,212 Don't forget if you write a letter to put a stamp on it. 188 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,613 Drive safe, Fred. 189 00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,615 You know, the postman don't deliver on Sunday. 190 00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:23,183 You know that, I hope. 191 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,822 Yeehaw! 192 00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,828 Your trip to Austin has been shortened by seven minutes. 193 00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:36,596 Oh, great news. 194 00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:39,699 - In 1,000 feet, turn left. - Thank you, Maze. 195 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,835 Wait a minute. It's a dead end. 196 00:06:41,867 --> 00:06:44,137 Would you like to reroute to Long John Silver's? 197 00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:46,139 No, I don't want to reroute to Long John Silver's. 198 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,809 What kind of question is that? Boy, it's a lot of side streets. 199 00:06:48,841 --> 00:06:51,877 Like kind of more a direct way to, uh, Austin. 200 00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,814 I found a shortcut. Recalculating. 201 00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:56,515 In 100 feet, proceed through graveyard. 202 00:06:56,548 --> 00:06:58,451 Uh, does this seem right, Maze? 203 00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:00,487 Oh, my God. Where am I? 204 00:07:02,724 --> 00:07:05,127 Okay. So are you basting something? 205 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,061 - My ovaries. - Nice. Congrats. 206 00:07:07,095 --> 00:07:08,030 Thank you. 207 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:13,768 [knocking on door] 208 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,737 Hold on a sec. 209 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,243 Hi. Can I help you? 210 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,578 Are you Carrie? 211 00:07:22,611 --> 00:07:23,845 Yeah, why? 212 00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:26,582 I found her! [laughter] 213 00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:29,850 - Sorry, who are you guys? - We're the mayor's kids. 214 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,720 - You're our new mommy. - I think you're mistaken. 215 00:07:31,753 --> 00:07:32,955 You're definitely not my kids, 216 00:07:32,987 --> 00:07:34,722 and the mayor does not have kids. 217 00:07:34,756 --> 00:07:36,325 [laughter] 218 00:07:36,357 --> 00:07:38,259 I appreciate you coming by. You guys are really cute. 219 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,628 And I'd be happy to buy whatever you're selling. 220 00:07:40,662 --> 00:07:42,330 Welcome to the family. 221 00:07:42,364 --> 00:07:44,833 Whose family? I have my own family. 222 00:07:52,107 --> 00:07:54,142 Okay, well, thanks for coming by. 223 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,143 If you'd like me to sign a petition or-- 224 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,912 - Is that your kitchen? - Yeah. 225 00:07:57,946 --> 00:07:59,681 - Let's go snack. - You guys aren't getting 226 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,915 - a snack here. - We're home! 227 00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:02,249 No. Hey! I don't think so, guys. 228 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:05,220 - Hey, come on! - [phone ringing] 229 00:08:05,253 --> 00:08:07,389 - Yello? - You already have kids? 230 00:08:07,422 --> 00:08:09,090 Yeah. I got tons of 'em. Why? 231 00:08:09,124 --> 00:08:10,758 I'm so confused. 232 00:08:10,792 --> 00:08:11,926 Why would you ask to artificially inseminate me 233 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,695 if-- if you already have kids? 234 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,063 Well, I said if you didn't have anything going on. 235 00:08:16,097 --> 00:08:17,666 I'm the mayor. I got lots going on. 236 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:20,099 There was never any question of that. 237 00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:20,768 Okay, so-- so you want me to raise your kids? 238 00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,371 We're out of OJ. 239 00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:23,971 I thought this would be a nice way to practice. 240 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,140 You know, have a few kids around the house. 241 00:08:26,174 --> 00:08:28,676 Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. 242 00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:31,812 Aww, listen to that. Yeah, yeah. 243 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,048 - Dad, Dad, Dad. - Hey! 244 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,350 These kids don't have any manners. 245 00:08:35,383 --> 00:08:36,718 They're all over my kitchen. 246 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:37,952 They're drinking my orange juice. 247 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,053 They're drinking our orange juice. 248 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,321 I thought you wanted a baby. 249 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,124 I do want a baby. It's just-- 250 00:08:42,157 --> 00:08:43,925 Look, kids are crazy. You just gotta roll with it. 251 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,426 All right, have fun. Bye. 252 00:08:45,460 --> 00:08:48,330 Thanks. 253 00:08:48,363 --> 00:08:51,032 All right, I just got off the phone with your dad. 254 00:08:51,066 --> 00:08:52,934 I'm sorry I'm a little discombobulated. Uh-- 255 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,003 He doesn't understand us. 256 00:08:56,037 --> 00:08:57,138 But you do. 257 00:08:57,172 --> 00:08:58,974 - Really? - You know, if you want, 258 00:08:59,007 --> 00:08:59,975 we don't even have to invite him to Thanksgiving. 259 00:09:00,008 --> 00:09:01,309 - Yeah. - I think you-- 260 00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:02,977 you are getting ahead of ourselves here. 261 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,845 I don't know. We're kind of a family now. 262 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,349 Yeah. You're, like, the best mom I've ever had. 263 00:09:07,382 --> 00:09:08,383 We love you. 264 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,419 - Hi. - Hi. 265 00:09:11,452 --> 00:09:13,354 On behalf of Austin, Texas, 266 00:09:13,388 --> 00:09:16,792 I'd like to welcome ya with a little gift basket here. 267 00:09:16,825 --> 00:09:20,362 We got Dos Equis, some barbecue sauce, 268 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:22,963 and a few chilies, and other doodads. 269 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:25,100 Thank you very much. That's so kind. 270 00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:28,269 - The mayor'll see you now. - Okay. 271 00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:30,371 Thank you. Hi. 272 00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:31,972 - Hey. - I-- I'm Fred. 273 00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,475 - So nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too. 274 00:09:33,508 --> 00:09:35,042 - Please sit down. - Yes. 275 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,079 - How was your trip? - It was really good. 276 00:09:37,111 --> 00:09:38,412 I just came all the way from Portland, and-- 277 00:09:38,446 --> 00:09:41,082 [whirring] I'm moving to Austin. 278 00:09:41,115 --> 00:09:43,317 Yes, so I heard. Oh, listen, this is for you. 279 00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:45,419 It's something just to make you feel a little more at home. 280 00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:47,388 - How's that? - Well, that looks all right. 281 00:09:47,422 --> 00:09:48,989 That looks all right. So have you decided 282 00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:50,825 what neighborhood you might want to live in? 283 00:09:50,859 --> 00:09:52,259 I-- I'm thinking someplace cool. 284 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,327 Like a cool part of town. 285 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,862 - Cool part of town? - Yeah. 286 00:09:54,896 --> 00:09:56,798 Well, listen, I've got just the thing. 287 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:59,066 The Housing Department and the Department of the Mayor 288 00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,503 present "How To Find a Cool Neighborhood." 289 00:10:01,536 --> 00:10:04,239 I'm your host, the Mayor. 290 00:10:04,272 --> 00:10:06,007 Well, this looks like a pretty cool neighborhood. 291 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,876 Got a coffee shop, got a record store. 292 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,277 It's got three bars. 293 00:10:09,310 --> 00:10:10,946 All the bartenders got real interesting hair. 294 00:10:10,979 --> 00:10:12,280 But it's not the cool neighborhood. 295 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,415 - [buzzer buzzing] - You know why? 296 00:10:14,449 --> 00:10:16,051 Strollers. That's right. 297 00:10:16,084 --> 00:10:18,085 Strollers started popping up everywhere. 298 00:10:18,119 --> 00:10:20,989 Pretty soon, there was a baby clothing store on the corner. 299 00:10:21,022 --> 00:10:22,224 Not cool! 300 00:10:22,257 --> 00:10:23,825 Take a look at this neighborhood. 301 00:10:23,858 --> 00:10:25,093 It's a dump. 302 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,761 It's the kind of neighborhood 303 00:10:26,795 --> 00:10:28,363 - with an intimidating cat. - [cat meows] 304 00:10:28,396 --> 00:10:29,798 Not cool. 305 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,365 Well, here's a neighborhood. 306 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,833 It's got a coffee shop, got a record store. 307 00:10:32,867 --> 00:10:34,301 It's only got one bar, 308 00:10:34,335 --> 00:10:36,403 but the owner went to high school 309 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:37,404 - with Iggy Pop. - [smooching] 310 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,140 Cool. 311 00:10:39,173 --> 00:10:40,374 What you're looking for are people like this. 312 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,512 Her, her, him, him. 313 00:10:43,545 --> 00:10:45,514 What you're not looking for is him. 314 00:10:45,547 --> 00:10:47,114 - And the cat. - [cat meows] 315 00:10:47,148 --> 00:10:49,050 Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. 316 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,185 [cat growls] 317 00:10:51,219 --> 00:10:53,922 Not cool. Welcome to Austin. 318 00:10:53,955 --> 00:10:56,324 Did you enjoy it? On a scale of one to five. 319 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,958 Five being the best, one being the worst. 320 00:10:57,992 --> 00:10:59,261 It's five. All the way through. 321 00:10:59,293 --> 00:11:01,495 Well then, we have done our job. 322 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:02,963 Enough with the pillows, you guys. 323 00:11:02,997 --> 00:11:03,965 All right? This is a house. 324 00:11:03,998 --> 00:11:05,167 - Mom? - What? 325 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,268 Gus locked himself in his room. 326 00:11:06,301 --> 00:11:07,435 - Wait, he has a room? - Yeah. 327 00:11:07,468 --> 00:11:08,837 I'm not talking to anybody. 328 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,571 This is the bathroom. 329 00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:12,574 - No. - We can't hear you. 330 00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:15,075 We hear you. 331 00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:16,411 What? 332 00:11:16,444 --> 00:11:18,013 Are you and Dad getting a divorce? 333 00:11:18,046 --> 00:11:21,016 Uh, your dad and I aren't even dating. 334 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:23,117 Well, when your baby finally arrives, 335 00:11:23,151 --> 00:11:24,986 - are you still gonna love us? - I don't love you. 336 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,821 I-I-- I've never loved you. 337 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,123 The only relationship I have with 338 00:11:28,156 --> 00:11:29,391 your sisters and your brother is that 339 00:11:29,423 --> 00:11:30,958 you're living at my house. 340 00:11:30,992 --> 00:11:34,095 [sobbing] 341 00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:37,165 [sobbing] 342 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,132 Uh... 343 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,003 D-- do you guys want to get o-- orange juice? 344 00:11:42,036 --> 00:11:46,575 D-- do you want to get some OJ at the store? 345 00:11:46,608 --> 00:11:48,910 Yeah? Okay. Let's go. 346 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:51,178 ah, baby, you're so tasty-tasty 347 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,346 I don't really want to waste it 348 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:53,380 what? 349 00:11:53,415 --> 00:11:54,416 baby, let's get hasty-hasty 350 00:11:54,449 --> 00:11:55,550 I love it when you shake that 351 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:57,618 - what - so put your back into it 352 00:11:57,652 --> 00:11:59,287 and let your mind go 353 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,056 you gotta run right through it 354 00:12:01,089 --> 00:12:02,056 - then make my mind... - blow 355 00:12:02,090 --> 00:12:03,124 - wild - I know you wanna 356 00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:05,092 - go crazy - I know you wanna 357 00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,627 - go wild - so jump up for it 358 00:12:06,661 --> 00:12:10,265 - go crazy - jump, jump, jump, jump 359 00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:12,967 so put your back into it 360 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,903 so put your back into it 361 00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:16,871 - [horn honking] - Get out of the road! 362 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,539 Hey, those are my kids you're honking at. 363 00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:19,574 [horn honking] 364 00:12:23,813 --> 00:12:25,749 Hi. I moved to Austin. 365 00:12:25,781 --> 00:12:27,650 - Yeah. - Moved here. 366 00:12:27,683 --> 00:12:30,953 Hey, neighbor. Hi. I just moved to Austin. 367 00:12:30,986 --> 00:12:33,390 Yeah, I s-- I see that. 368 00:12:33,423 --> 00:12:34,823 I live here now in Texas. 369 00:12:34,856 --> 00:12:36,425 Mm, that's where we are. 370 00:12:36,458 --> 00:12:38,327 Did it. Yeah. 371 00:12:38,361 --> 00:12:39,596 [chuckles] Well, 372 00:12:39,629 --> 00:12:41,630 this conversation's a little boring. 373 00:12:41,664 --> 00:12:43,567 Gonna head in. 374 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,802 No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go. 375 00:12:45,834 --> 00:12:48,637 You know what? 376 00:12:48,670 --> 00:12:50,372 I have more to say. 377 00:12:50,405 --> 00:12:53,909 A little announcement. It's kinda interesting. 378 00:12:53,943 --> 00:12:55,745 I'm moving. 379 00:12:55,778 --> 00:12:59,649 I'm gonna move cities to Nashville. 380 00:12:59,682 --> 00:13:02,351 - Nashville? - Nashville, Tennessee. 381 00:13:02,385 --> 00:13:03,587 Wow, man. That's a big move. 382 00:13:03,620 --> 00:13:05,288 Yeah. 383 00:13:05,321 --> 00:13:06,523 Sounds like you got a lot going on in your life. 384 00:13:06,555 --> 00:13:08,457 That's a big step. That's great. 385 00:13:08,491 --> 00:13:09,925 - Good luck. - Thanks a lot. Bye. 386 00:13:09,958 --> 00:13:10,926 Yeehaw! 387 00:13:10,959 --> 00:13:13,529 [country music] 388 00:13:13,563 --> 00:13:14,898 [brakes squeal] 389 00:13:14,930 --> 00:13:17,766 - Hi, I moved here. - So what? 390 00:13:17,799 --> 00:13:19,468 [brakes squeal] 391 00:13:19,501 --> 00:13:22,805 - Hi, I moved here. - Whatever. 392 00:13:22,838 --> 00:13:24,340 [brakes squeal] 393 00:13:24,374 --> 00:13:26,343 Ah, let's get this gear on the boat. 394 00:13:26,375 --> 00:13:28,377 Fix the sails. Tie her down. 395 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,783 - Go on. - What is this place? 396 00:13:33,816 --> 00:13:37,587 Shville. End of the line for drifters and wanderers. 397 00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:39,356 Where does that boat go? 398 00:13:39,389 --> 00:13:40,523 That's the biggest move of all. 399 00:13:40,555 --> 00:13:41,691 The move abroad. 400 00:13:43,693 --> 00:13:47,630 - Wow. - You'll be an expat. 401 00:13:47,664 --> 00:13:49,966 - Okay. - Get on the boat. 402 00:13:49,999 --> 00:13:52,969 [suspenseful music] 403 00:13:53,001 --> 00:14:00,010 404 00:14:02,577 --> 00:14:04,880 I just moved here. 405 00:14:04,914 --> 00:14:08,550 [acoustic guitar strumming] 406 00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:10,753 all: hidey-didey, man the oars 407 00:14:10,786 --> 00:14:13,656 an expat I shall be 408 00:14:13,689 --> 00:14:15,891 your life abroad they'll all applaud 409 00:14:15,924 --> 00:14:18,627 when I show my foreign ID 410 00:14:18,660 --> 00:14:21,297 Hey, that's me. 411 00:14:21,331 --> 00:14:23,366 all: idly, idly, woodley wee 412 00:14:23,399 --> 00:14:26,035 living across the sea 413 00:14:26,068 --> 00:14:28,538 old friends will wonder where I've been 414 00:14:28,571 --> 00:14:30,674 I heard from Jeff, he's in Berlin 415 00:14:30,707 --> 00:14:34,510 sailing all the way to gay "Paree" 416 00:14:34,544 --> 00:14:36,645 I'll probably grow a goatee 417 00:14:36,678 --> 00:14:39,882 - You seem cooler now. - merci 418 00:14:39,915 --> 00:14:41,818 as time goes on, we won't go home 419 00:14:41,851 --> 00:14:43,952 abandon friends in old time zones 420 00:14:43,986 --> 00:14:45,955 yes, we'll miss weddings and funerals too 421 00:14:45,987 --> 00:14:48,957 surrounded by strangers and lands that are new 422 00:14:48,991 --> 00:14:50,894 I never really thought of it that way. 423 00:14:50,927 --> 00:14:52,861 Um, I thought this was a pirate ship. 424 00:14:52,895 --> 00:14:55,332 Who the hell are these people? 425 00:14:55,365 --> 00:14:58,335 [dramatic music] 426 00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:00,669 427 00:15:00,702 --> 00:15:03,405 all: we're sailing away to the setting sun 428 00:15:03,438 --> 00:15:06,575 and I will speak Dutch as my native tongue 429 00:15:06,608 --> 00:15:09,411 all: we'll all disappear like Robert Crumb 430 00:15:09,444 --> 00:15:12,448 'cause Paris is cool and America's dumb 431 00:15:12,481 --> 00:15:15,751 we're off to where the grass is green 432 00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:18,788 say good-bye to this old routine 433 00:15:18,821 --> 00:15:24,461 give my only sweet oblivion 434 00:15:24,494 --> 00:15:29,933 all: we're never coming home 435 00:15:29,966 --> 00:15:32,902 What? Never? 436 00:15:32,934 --> 00:15:34,803 all: not coming home 437 00:15:34,837 --> 00:15:36,905 I'll never see Carrie again. 438 00:15:36,938 --> 00:15:38,875 Turn it around! 439 00:15:38,908 --> 00:15:40,110 all: - we're never coming home - Is there an anch-- tur-- 440 00:15:40,143 --> 00:15:42,077 Please! T-- turn around! 441 00:15:42,111 --> 00:15:43,112 I don't wanna go. 442 00:15:43,145 --> 00:15:46,882 443 00:15:46,915 --> 00:15:47,916 [bells ringing] 444 00:15:47,949 --> 00:15:54,957 445 00:16:05,669 --> 00:16:09,507 [hip-hop music] 446 00:16:14,077 --> 00:16:16,515 "And he whispered with a smile, 447 00:16:16,548 --> 00:16:18,717 and the moon smiled back." 448 00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:21,553 The end. 449 00:16:21,586 --> 00:16:22,821 Can we sleep with you tonight, Mommy? 450 00:16:22,853 --> 00:16:25,556 Yeah, I want to curl up on top of your head like a squirrel. 451 00:16:25,590 --> 00:16:29,861 - Yeah. Come on, guys. - Yeah. 452 00:16:29,894 --> 00:16:31,462 What's that? 453 00:16:31,496 --> 00:16:33,465 Well, that's your daddy's sperm. 454 00:16:33,497 --> 00:16:35,833 What? Why is it in that weird can? 455 00:16:35,866 --> 00:16:37,568 It should be stuffed up inside of your body. 456 00:16:37,601 --> 00:16:39,136 I just haven't gotten around to it yet. 457 00:16:39,169 --> 00:16:40,805 I've been busy with you guys. 458 00:16:40,838 --> 00:16:42,039 - What? - Yeah. 459 00:16:42,073 --> 00:16:43,808 - Oh, gross. - Hey. 460 00:16:43,842 --> 00:16:45,110 - Are you even our real mom? - No. 461 00:16:45,143 --> 00:16:46,211 I've been totally clear on that. 462 00:16:46,244 --> 00:16:47,879 She was clear about that. 463 00:16:47,911 --> 00:16:50,981 I think I'm gonna be sick. 464 00:16:51,015 --> 00:16:52,884 Wait-- wha-- but, guys. I mean, where are you going? 465 00:16:52,917 --> 00:16:55,854 - We're running away. - No. Hey, get back here! 466 00:16:55,886 --> 00:16:56,821 [door slams] 467 00:16:58,890 --> 00:17:01,892 I don't know, we're kind of a family now. 468 00:17:01,926 --> 00:17:06,798 Yeah. You're, like, the best mom I ever had. 469 00:17:06,831 --> 00:17:09,200 We love you. 470 00:17:09,234 --> 00:17:10,968 Why is it in that weird can? 471 00:17:11,002 --> 00:17:12,736 It should be stuffed up inside your body. 472 00:17:12,769 --> 00:17:14,172 [echoes] Body, body... 473 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:19,511 - How's my baby mama? - Uh, well, our kids-- 474 00:17:19,544 --> 00:17:21,646 I mean, your adult kids, uh, they ran away. 475 00:17:21,678 --> 00:17:23,747 - Did you make 'em mad? - Apparently. 476 00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:25,050 It's like they loved me so much, 477 00:17:25,082 --> 00:17:27,218 and then they just turned on me so quickly. 478 00:17:27,252 --> 00:17:28,887 They'll do that. 479 00:17:28,919 --> 00:17:30,589 I have a pretty good idea where they are. 480 00:17:30,621 --> 00:17:34,191 [indistinct chatter] 481 00:17:34,225 --> 00:17:36,194 Hi, two tickets to "Mum," please. 482 00:17:36,226 --> 00:17:39,531 - Oh, this is Mum. - Hey. 483 00:17:39,563 --> 00:17:41,733 Please silence all cell phones and pagers. 484 00:17:41,765 --> 00:17:43,267 The play you're about to see tonight 485 00:17:43,301 --> 00:17:45,637 is based on real events. 486 00:17:45,669 --> 00:17:50,609 I'm Mum. A lonely woman in the world. 487 00:17:50,641 --> 00:17:54,612 I wanna have kids, but I don't know if I'm ready for it. 488 00:17:54,646 --> 00:17:58,082 Can I love? The answer is no. 489 00:17:58,115 --> 00:17:59,750 - Uh, this is bullshit. - [chuckles] 490 00:17:59,784 --> 00:18:02,653 No, no, no, no, no, stay. You can stay to see the end. 491 00:18:02,687 --> 00:18:05,890 Whoa! Look at this place. 492 00:18:05,923 --> 00:18:08,092 [chuckles] It has rooms, and a bathroom, 493 00:18:08,126 --> 00:18:10,195 and a kitchen. Wait a minute. 494 00:18:10,227 --> 00:18:12,997 Hey, Mom, can we have some orange juice? 495 00:18:13,031 --> 00:18:14,666 This is my house. 496 00:18:14,698 --> 00:18:16,133 - Carrie? - These are my things. 497 00:18:16,167 --> 00:18:19,638 - That's not how it happened. - [screaming] 498 00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:20,971 - My OJ! - Okay, well, that's true. 499 00:18:21,005 --> 00:18:22,306 - Our OJ! - They drank all 500 00:18:22,340 --> 00:18:23,742 - my orange juice. - No. 501 00:18:23,775 --> 00:18:25,544 - Yeah. - Mayor, it's me. 502 00:18:25,576 --> 00:18:29,880 I just want to be a selfish, single spinster all my life. 503 00:18:29,913 --> 00:18:32,950 - No. Please. - I don't need anybody. 504 00:18:32,984 --> 00:18:34,852 I'm not talking to anybody. 505 00:18:34,886 --> 00:18:37,289 I'll buy you some OJ if you come out. 506 00:18:37,322 --> 00:18:39,256 Jesus, there's ten acts. 507 00:18:39,290 --> 00:18:40,292 No. I'm just being a good mom. 508 00:18:40,324 --> 00:18:41,959 You'll love it. 509 00:18:41,993 --> 00:18:45,063 Time for orange juice at the supermarket. 510 00:18:45,095 --> 00:18:49,166 all: what is a family? 511 00:18:49,199 --> 00:18:54,773 - ee-hee all: - OJ and TLC 512 00:18:54,805 --> 00:18:58,242 What is a family? What is it? 513 00:18:58,275 --> 00:19:00,210 This is a terrible play, 514 00:19:00,244 --> 00:19:02,813 but I just feel pride. 515 00:19:02,846 --> 00:19:04,214 - Is it orange juice and TLC? - What's happening? 516 00:19:04,247 --> 00:19:06,051 - You're a mom. - We'll never know. 517 00:19:06,083 --> 00:19:07,585 You just lose all perspective 518 00:19:07,619 --> 00:19:09,220 and love everything your kids do. 519 00:19:09,253 --> 00:19:12,157 - And it all ends alone. - I hate that. 520 00:19:12,189 --> 00:19:14,726 Is that sad? 521 00:19:14,758 --> 00:19:17,294 Good afternoon. My name's Dr. Hopkins, 522 00:19:17,328 --> 00:19:18,663 and I'm a gynecologist. 523 00:19:18,696 --> 00:19:20,365 - [applause] - That's nice. 524 00:19:20,398 --> 00:19:23,234 Well, we are here to celebrate a very special woman. 525 00:19:23,266 --> 00:19:27,205 Now, I'm not a pastor; I'm a guy who gets my fingers in-- 526 00:19:27,237 --> 00:19:30,074 - Carrie? - Fred? You're back. 527 00:19:30,108 --> 00:19:32,177 - Yeah. - And your hair's black. 528 00:19:32,209 --> 00:19:33,944 What are you doing here? You're tying the knot with who? 529 00:19:33,977 --> 00:19:35,647 You know, I'm ju-- uh, she's tying the knot. 530 00:19:35,679 --> 00:19:37,381 The-- the-- tying her tubes. I'm tying her tubes. 531 00:19:37,415 --> 00:19:38,883 I'm a gynecologist. Oh. 532 00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:40,885 [applause] 533 00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:43,254 Exactly. I mean, this is about self-acceptance. 534 00:19:43,286 --> 00:19:46,156 I accept who I am, which is an old spinster. 535 00:19:46,189 --> 00:19:48,626 I've come to a huge realization of my own 536 00:19:48,659 --> 00:19:50,261 about accepting myself the way that I am. 537 00:19:50,294 --> 00:19:52,130 Then why did you dye your hair back? 538 00:19:52,162 --> 00:19:55,065 That's exactly it. I don't accept the way that I am. 539 00:19:55,099 --> 00:19:57,769 - [applause] - A little more, that's all. 540 00:19:57,802 --> 00:20:00,671 I mean, I-I accept you for that then. 541 00:20:00,705 --> 00:20:03,775 Wow. I mean, maybe that's why you two are su-- are you friends? 542 00:20:03,807 --> 00:20:04,875 Come on. 543 00:20:04,909 --> 00:20:05,677 Maybe that's why you're such good friends. 544 00:20:05,709 --> 00:20:06,811 - Are you such good friends? - Yes. 545 00:20:06,844 --> 00:20:08,779 - We're such good friends. - Maybe that's why 546 00:20:08,813 --> 00:20:10,180 you're such good friends. Because-- 547 00:20:10,214 --> 00:20:12,917 Whether or not we accept ourselves, 548 00:20:12,949 --> 00:20:14,052 we accept each other. 549 00:20:14,084 --> 00:20:17,721 No-- oh. [applause] 550 00:20:17,755 --> 00:20:19,323 I felt like you kind of begged-- all right. 551 00:20:19,357 --> 00:20:20,358 [applause] 552 00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:21,926 - Whoo! - Ow! 553 00:20:21,958 --> 00:20:23,428 - Whoo. - That's nice. 554 00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:26,830 Yeah! Come on, come on. 555 00:20:26,863 --> 00:20:29,066 Well, we've got all our friends here, and there's cake. 556 00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:32,036 I mean, I know the sex thing didn't work out, but-- 557 00:20:32,070 --> 00:20:33,737 Never does. 558 00:20:33,771 --> 00:20:35,073 But maybe we could just get married. 559 00:20:37,809 --> 00:20:39,778 I don't think so. No. 560 00:20:39,811 --> 00:20:41,178 Okay. 561 00:20:41,211 --> 00:20:42,246 My heart was pounding there for a second, 562 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,215 because I'm a gynecologist. 563 00:20:43,247 --> 00:20:44,015 I don't know the first thing about that-- 564 00:20:44,048 --> 00:20:46,850 - We know that already. - Come on. 565 00:20:46,883 --> 00:20:49,720 - Yes. - Well, you're here. 566 00:20:49,754 --> 00:20:52,057 We've got a crowd. I've got my equipment. 567 00:20:52,090 --> 00:20:54,025 Why don't we tie up that cooch of yours, huh? 568 00:20:54,057 --> 00:20:56,894 - Doctor? No, no, no, no, no. - [applause] 569 00:20:56,928 --> 00:20:59,197 You know what, I'd prefer if you just gave Fred a vasectomy. 570 00:20:59,229 --> 00:21:02,199 - I'd love to give that a shot. - [applause] 571 00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:03,967 ah, baby, you're so tasty-tasty 572 00:21:04,001 --> 00:21:04,969 I don't really want to waste it 573 00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,003 what? 574 00:21:06,036 --> 00:21:07,037 baby, let's get hasty-hasty 575 00:21:07,071 --> 00:21:08,305 I love it when you shake that 576 00:21:08,339 --> 00:21:09,474 what 577 00:21:09,806 --> 00:21:12,209 Got some, uh, baskets with money. 578 00:21:12,242 --> 00:21:15,046 Uh, please feel free to contribute whatever you want. 579 00:21:15,078 --> 00:21:16,748 We're just doing what we do and we enjoy it, 580 00:21:16,780 --> 00:21:19,517 and, uh, it's all for you and all fun. 581 00:21:19,549 --> 00:21:21,318 - That's all? - And so, uh, tip generously 582 00:21:21,352 --> 00:21:23,187 - or don't. - Good job. That was so good. 583 00:21:23,219 --> 00:21:29,023 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 584 00:21:29,073 --> 00:21:33,623 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 43063

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