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This programme contains adult humour
and some strong language
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MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS
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COUGHS DRYLY
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Your name? Chi.
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Occupation? Pass.
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Specialist subject?
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Grief.
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Grief, in under two seconds,
starting now.
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Erm... right.
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Name the five stages of grief.
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Oh, that's easy, you know.
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First, you're hungry, then you eat,
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then you're hungry again,
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and then you take your driving
instructor into your house,
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and then you just complete a list
that your mum and dad gave you.
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No. OK.
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All wrong.
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Well, not being funny,
but you've not grieved so...
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TIMER BEEPS
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Time's up.
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A neck tail...
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Yeah.
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GHOSTLY: Chi...
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This isn't how you get a job.
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This isn't how you get a job.
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This isn't how you get a job, Chi.
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Oh, hey, Mum.
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Your dad worked for 30 years
before we died.
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He never wore a tie.
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Us dinner ladies just wear tabards.
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Say "dinnerman", for God's sake.
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Ooh. Someone's insecure with
her masculinity.
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Oh, shut up Tony. Well, you are,
you've clearly got a problem.
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Look, you need to go out there
and find work, hmm?
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Ask someone for a job.
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Well, Karen's got a job.
I could ask her for a job?
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No... No, don't do that.
That's a terrible idea.
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Don't do that, no. She's evil.
Well, no, that's a great idea.
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She'll... she'll love it,
cos we get on so well.
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No. No. I'd stop.
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Wow.
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Thanks, guys. That's a great idea.
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Chi, just stop. Stop. She...
She can't be stopped.
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See what you've done?
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You're wearing that to irritate me,
aren't you? No.
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I'm wearing it because it's...
You think I fancy you in that?
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Did I ever?
Well, it's got a quite good...
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Yeah. It gives me quite a nice line.
Take it off, Terry.
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Take it off.
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GHOSTLY: Get a job...
Get a job....!
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Get a job!
52
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Right, well, if this one doesn't
do it, I'm just...
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I'm going to be one of those people
that never wanted to have kids.
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Yeah. Understood.
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Like I was... I was career focused,
you know, like,
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working in stocks or finance.
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So, maybe... maybe I'll even move
to Canary Wharf.
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Maybe just thinking, like,
too far ahead.
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Think of it as one step closer
to baby Grid.
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Baby Grid?
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Wha... That's my last name.
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Yeah, I know, and it's just, like,
another reason not to have one.
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I just...
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Don't!
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I don't know if this is the...
the right time to tell you this.
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But, um...
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My friend, Russell, he was
saying about this new kind of
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00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,360
fertility treatment for, like,
mongooses. Right.
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00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,640
Do you want to read up about that?
70
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,960
How's a mongoose going to help me
have a baby?
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00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,720
There's, like, a kind of, like,
DNA chain where the...
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As soon as these kind of molecules
hit each other, they kind of
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go into, like, a womb, and then...
What? What are you doing?
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You're going to be late for
the clinic. Oh, God, yeah.
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Karen.
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Karen? Karen.
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Karen? Karen!
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Ugh...
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Mrs J Hunter. That's me.
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Right, so, that's twice a day
around the rim, not IN the rim.
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Around the rim only. It's external.
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You're welcome.
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Rude.
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EXAGGERATED MOANING PLAYS
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How are you getting on in there,
Dad?
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00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,000
I can't do it, Lucas! Not like this.
87
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,240
I mean, modern pornography is such
a kick in the teeth for real women.
88
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,880
Yeah, I suppose it does set
unrealistic expectations
89
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about sex for young people.
90
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,240
And my mate reckons they're
all actors.
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00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,720
They're not even real storylines.
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OK.
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00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,120
OK, listen, I've got an idea.
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Right, close your eyes
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and imagine a woman.
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Right.
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00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,480
Right, so, uh...
This woman, she's a...
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00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,080
Well, she's a corker.
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Yeah... Yeah? Soaking...
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Soaking wet mouth.
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00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,920
Well, listen, she's a trier,
she's a doer.
102
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She's a loyal friend with
a strong sense of self.
103
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Right, OK.
104
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,480
And you're not sure she's kind, but
she's not afraid to assert herself
105
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,920
and take up space in this messed-up
world that we call little life.
106
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OK, yeah.
107
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,080
What are her hobbies?
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Her hobbies?
She enjoys scrapbooking.
109
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,120
Yeah.
110
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:07,360
She plays hockey sometimes.
111
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,560
Painting? Yeah, no, she...
she tried painting, yeah, sure.
112
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She tried painting, yeah, OK.
113
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,560
Portraits of dogs and all that....
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That's it! She...
115
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You're done? Yeah.
116
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Oh, brilliant. Ah...
117
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All right, well done.
Thanks, son.
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Yeah. What's a son for?
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Oh, yeah.
120
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Cool!
121
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Oh, hold on.
122
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,480
Oh, God, no, that does not feel
right at all.
123
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:33,880
What do you want?
124
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I'd politely like a job, please.
125
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I need one for my list.
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Just for clarity's sake, not only
do you get to keep my house,
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00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,000
but you also expect me to
employ you?
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Hello. Welcome to the hospital.
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00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:46,960
No.
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00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,360
What's wrong with you?
131
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Well, I've got this awful rash.
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OK. Whereabouts? Amazing.
133
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On my face.
134
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,400
Just take this, please.
It's free of charge.
135
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,360
Just don't ever talk about this
ever again.
136
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:00,800
Do you know when lunch is?
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00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,080
Yeah, I know when MY lunch is.
138
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,160
But you don't get lunch,
because you're terrible.
139
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,040
Ah, finally!
140
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,480
How did it go?
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00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,840
You better have thought of me.
142
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,360
Well, I get the results in
a few hours, so...
143
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:15,040
Right, well, can you hurry up
please? Yeah, sure, I can...
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00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,120
..wait quicker.
Don't worry about her.
145
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She's just annoyed cos I asked her
for a job, like a stupid fat bitch.
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Right.
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00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,880
Well, you could come and work
with me.
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Say more.
149
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,760
Yeah, it would take my mind
off of...
150
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,040
..sperm and everything.
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Sperm.
152
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,480
Hello? Where are we?
So, what's this then?
153
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,560
Where's the egg?
Wait a sec, I'm confused.
154
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Excuse me, where are we?
Do we know who got the job?
155
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,240
Who do you think? Um...
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OK, well, what starts with
a D and ends with an E?
157
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:44,640
Oh. I'm freezing.
158
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,520
Shall I do a headcount?
I'm really confused.
159
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Uh, I actually didn't want the job.
Shut up.
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00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,800
One, two, three, four...
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Quite enjoying retirement, actually.
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00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,080
Who's whistling?
Whoever it is, can you stop?
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00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,320
Come on, chop-chop, guys.
Time waits for no man.
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Right, you ready? No.
165
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,880
It's really easy.
166
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,160
All you do is knock on the door -
unless there's a bell...
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Sorry, I'm lost.
Can you start again?
168
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,080
OK.
169
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,080
So, hand them the package,
take a photo,
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and leave.
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You can do it. Go on.
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Good luck, mate.
Good luck.
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Rather her than me.
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Lucas, erm...
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That woman that you were describing
at the doctor's office?
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Yeah?
177
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,800
Now, she's not...
well, she's not real, is she?
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Look, there's no-one in, so shall
I just leave it on the bed?
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How's she done that?
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Hello!
181
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Is anyone there? Can you let...
Oh, you have... OK.
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I've got a parcel stuck in your,
uh...
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Your, erm...
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Your flaps.
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00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,080
Not answering.
186
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,720
Oh. Hiya.
187
00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,200
Yeah. Thank you.
188
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,040
Erm... Take a picture!
189
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Right.
190
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,800
Right, now do you want to get...?
191
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,880
Come out and get a silly one.
Come out? Why do I need to come out?
192
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RATTLING
193
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,480
No, please, don't do...
Erm, they're fine.
194
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,040
I'll get it for you.
Yeah, quick, come over.
195
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,280
She's not... She's not doing it.
196
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,080
I haven't got my shoes on.
Why do I need to come out?
197
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,880
Well, neither have I.
I lost one over there, but...
198
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,680
Right, smile.
Say, uh, "deliveries".
199
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,560
Deliveries... Deliveries.
200
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,240
Just watch and learn, OK?
201
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:50,600
What's that mean?
202
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:53,200
DOOR BANGS
203
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,840
Oh! Sorry. That door always does
that for some reason.
204
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,840
I love dropping off here.
205
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,480
I mean, old people get such
a buzz off medication.
206
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,920
It's, like, drugs to them, in a way.
207
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,680
Morning, Debs.
208
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,680
Can I get your autograph there?
209
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:07,880
Yeah.
210
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,200
Always start with it...
Always start with a joke.
211
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,960
All right, Debs?
212
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,600
First day on the job, so...
Can I give you a hand, Debbie?
213
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,760
No, no, no, you only help me.
You don't help Debbie.
214
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,600
How long you been retired, Deb?
She's not retired.
215
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,680
Oh, nice. That's the old ones laying
around in the back.
216
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,280
What, so they get to do nothing?
217
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,400
ECHOING COUGH
218
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,920
Oh, there she is. All right, Chi?
219
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,520
This is amazing.
220
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,000
What even is this place?
221
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,720
It's where people go to retire.
222
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,080
I think I want to retire.
You've only done two hours work.
223
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,040
Two hours too long.
224
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,360
Plus, I think the death of
my parents is really kind of catching up on me.
225
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,160
Yeah, my parents died, as well.
226
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,760
Fuck off. No way.
227
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,840
Mine, too. You're joking.
228
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,040
And mine. Yours, as well?
229
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,600
OK, hold on.
230
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,840
By a show of hands,
who here's parents are dead?
231
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,440
What...
232
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:46,960
What? Oh, my God.
233
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,400
You, as well? Oh, yes.
234
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,920
That's a tragedy.
235
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,600
I am so, so sorry.
236
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,120
RINGTONE PLAYS
237
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,440
Sorry I've got to... Sorry.
238
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,000
I'm so sorry for your losses.
239
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,400
I'm so sorry for your losses.
Piss off.
240
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,440
I...
241
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:10,520
OK, yeah, lay it on me, doc.
Good news, Mr Grid.
242
00:11:10,520 --> 00:11:12,800
I can confirm that your sperm is
incredibly healthy. Oh...
243
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,880
It's actually some of the best
I've ever seen, in fact.
244
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,080
Oh, my God... That's amazing.
I... Yeah.
245
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,560
I don't know what to say.
246
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,360
A phenomenal sample.
Oh...
247
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,600
Any advice on how I tell my partner?
248
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,600
I imagine, she'd be pleased.
249
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,160
Hmm...
250
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,800
Well, look, did any kind of, like,
abnormality show up down there?
251
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,440
Abnormal in what sense?
252
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,440
Well, you know, any kind of, like,
unusual swellings?
253
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,080
That... that kind of thing?
254
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,080
RINGTONE PLAYS
255
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,040
If you have any concerns regarding
your scrotum...
256
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,480
I'd suggest a testicular exam,
Mr Grid.
257
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,200
Exam? No, no, no. That's...
that's fine, you're all right.
258
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,360
Well, look, I'm going to go and
tell Barren... Sorry, Karen.
259
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:49,200
Thanks for saying all that
lovely stuff about...
260
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,040
..my sperm. OK, bye.
My pleasure. It was a phenomenal...
261
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,240
Hiya. Hi.
262
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,520
Why do we have them?
263
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:04,800
THEY LAUGH
264
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,360
But, like, what are the actual
benefits?
265
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,960
I mean, I miss her so much
when she's at school.
266
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:17,560
I know I'm his mum, but sometimes
I feel like he's my mum.
267
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,120
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah!
268
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,320
Oh, God, the little fucks just drive
you bonkers, don't they?
269
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,200
Ha-ha...
270
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,160
So, which one's yours?
271
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,640
Erm...
272
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,160
Ah...
273
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:30,760
Uh, it's just that one.
274
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,400
The ginger one.
275
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,920
She's mine. Uh...
276
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,800
Yeah, I was just sort of...
I've got a weird sense of humour.
277
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,200
I was just... I meant that...
that one there.
278
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,040
The one... the one skipping.
279
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,440
Uh...
280
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,360
Hey, child! My child.
281
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,960
Come...
282
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,240
Tell them that I'm your mum.
283
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,160
No, tell... Tell them.
284
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:54,640
Just tell them!
285
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,240
She does that a lot.
286
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,560
You know what it's like
with being...
287
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:03,200
..a mother to a child who is yours.
288
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,480
That you...
289
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,920
..birthed.
290
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,280
Great turnout.
291
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:17,040
Yeah. It is, isn't it?
292
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,200
I love it here, cos, you know,
everything that people usually
293
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,120
get mad at me for... Mm.
294
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:25,240
You know, like coughing with
your mouth open, not moving,
295
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,480
shouting at ghosts -
it's all normal here.
296
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,320
Brilliant. I'm so happy for you.
Yeah.
297
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,720
Right, talk me through it.
It's a bit of a who's who, isn't it?
298
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,920
Right, OK. So, it's a pretty
standard set-up.
299
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,720
You've got your jocks, your nerds.
300
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:38,800
The goths.
301
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,640
Stoner.
302
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,520
And then, finally, the mean girls.
303
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,120
What?
304
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,200
Is she...?
305
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,560
Is she talking to me? What do I do?
306
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:55,120
Well, you should go over.
That's a huge invite.
307
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,920
Really? I mean, look at her.
I mean, what would I say to her?
308
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,600
Just be confident, girl.
309
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,600
Room for a taller one?
310
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,480
CHAIR LEGS SCRAPE
311
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,400
Look at us.
312
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,520
Just couple of bitches sitting back.
313
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,440
What's he on about?
I don't know who he is.
314
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,920
I don't know...
315
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,560
Ugh. Really?
316
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,040
Sorry I declined your call.
317
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,120
My, erm... my phone overwhelmed me,
so...
318
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,920
Well, just crack on.
What did the doctor say?
319
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,160
Well, he... he basically said...
Oh, God.
320
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,200
It's rotten, isn't it?
You're firing blanks.
321
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:01,600
I'm going to have to get pregnant
from a toilet seat, like it's 2003.
322
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:05,040
Well, actually, the doctor said that
my sample was...
323
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,880
..was, erm, average. It was just,
like, perfectly average, so...
324
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,160
Well, why the fuck am I not growing
a mini Karen, then?
325
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,240
I don't know. Something to
do with... Oh, what?
326
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,600
You!
327
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,320
Whilst I'm here, erm...
328
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,160
When I gave my sample, I did find
something quite concerning,
329
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,320
and I wanted to talk to you, so...
330
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,360
Karen?
331
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,560
Karen?
332
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,880
Nothing.
333
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,400
Maybe we can, erm, chat later
if you've...
334
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,000
..five minutes or..
335
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,200
Or something?
336
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,960
ECHOING: Excuse me?
337
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,480
Oh, fuck's sake!
338
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,760
You... you scared the life
out of me.
339
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,920
I lost my mummy.
340
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,600
Oh...
341
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:19,960
Erm...
342
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,360
KAREN LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
343
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:24,960
What are they like, eh?
344
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,440
Erm...
345
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,080
Well, well... Come on, then, mate.
346
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,640
Let's... Let's find your mum,
then, yeah?
347
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,240
Yeah? Come on.
348
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,920
I think she went that way.
Yeah, yeah, come on.
349
00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:41,800
Come on!
350
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,160
That's it. Good boy.
351
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,680
I, uh... I think I know somewhere
we can...
352
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,040
we can make a plan on how to
find her.
353
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,000
LOW CHATTER
354
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,480
Hi, everyone.
355
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,360
What? What was that?
356
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,920
Thank you so all...
so much for coming.
357
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:00,920
Go on, Chi!
358
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:04,080
Uh, retirement just creeps up
on you, doesn't it?
359
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,200
Who? What? Speak up.
360
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,240
One delivery turns into two
deliveries...
361
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,000
And before you know it, you've spent
two hours of your life,
362
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,400
you know, doing...
363
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,120
..having great memories that you'll
take with you to the grave.
364
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,480
Sorry for saying "grave".
365
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:27,560
So, uh...
366
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,200
Yeah, thanks for that.
367
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,000
Sometimes I wonder who these people
are that keep coming in.
368
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,960
Who? All of them?
369
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,560
Well, that's Chi, as in,
like, the seed. What's Chi?
370
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:49,400
Like a seed. Do you know the seed?
371
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,040
Girls, you've got to get with it.
372
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,280
Chia seeds. Really?
373
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,760
Come on, Roy.
You should be doing my ears.
374
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,160
They're buggered up with wax cos
you haven't done them for so long.
375
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,800
Who you talking to?
376
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,840
Roy, my Roy. Yeah, yeah...
377
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,360
Oh, no, I'm not...
378
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,720
You're a bit silly sometimes.
I know you.
379
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,000
So, I... I am Roy?
380
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,600
Well, if you're not Roy,
I don't know who you think you are!
381
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,080
That's true.
382
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,280
Hello?
383
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,520
Chi, you home?
384
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,560
Right, brilliant. Come on in.
385
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,000
Come on. Come in.
386
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,160
Come on in, please.
387
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,640
Right.
388
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,400
No, no, don't touch that, darling.
389
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,400
You'll probably end up needing
antibiotics. OK?
390
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,200
So, are we going to find Mummy now?
391
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,200
Yeah, yeah, we're going
to find Mummy.
392
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,040
But we can't go Mummy hunting
on an empty stomach, can we?
393
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,040
I don't understand why people aren't
getting retired all the time.
394
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,880
You know? Hmm.
395
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,200
If I'd known about it at school,
396
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,240
I wouldn't have even bothered
failing all those GCSEs.
397
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,120
Yeah, nor me. Yeah.
398
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,440
Food.
399
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,680
You hungry? Yeah, hungry.
400
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,280
You're probably starving,
aren't you?
401
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,880
Just give me a minute, OK? Erm...
402
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,880
I mean, what sort of thing do you
normally eat?
403
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,520
Do you eat solid food?
404
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,160
Or what sort of flavour...?
405
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,200
Oh, God!
406
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,600
It's just all cereal bars
and cat food!
407
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,080
She doesn't even have a cat!
408
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,120
Who?
409
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,040
I don't even have a cat,
is what I meant to say.
410
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,880
That'll do. Won't it?
411
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:43,000
I mean, sort of, erm, fibre for you.
412
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,360
Sorry it's, uh...
it's not hot.
413
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,400
There's a tie knotted round the
microwave, for some reason.
414
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,680
Are you going to lick that lid?
415
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,040
No.
416
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,400
Oh, thanks, Anne.
417
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,720
Do you remember our wedding day,
Roy?
418
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,600
All those prawns.
419
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,000
Oh, yeah.
420
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,560
And you looked so handsome
in your uniform. Yeah.
421
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,080
Changed a bit, haven't I?
422
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,520
No, you haven't changed at all.
423
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,080
How's retirement?
Oh, I'm in heaven.
424
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,600
Have you met Linda? No.
I'm the love of her life.
425
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,040
Who's this, Roy?
426
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,560
Yeah, she also thinks I'm a man
called Roy. Oh, right.
427
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,880
Linda, this is my step-cousin,
Lucas.
428
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,000
All right, Lind?
429
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,920
Yeah, Chi, I knew you were into
MILFs and all that,
430
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,240
but I always thought it was more
of a Tamzin Outhwaite vibe?
431
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:32,040
Well, Christmas in my day was a
handful of walnuts and a tangerine.
432
00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:36,160
If I'd have asked for an iPad,
I'd have been burnt at the stake.
433
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,600
Yeah. Yeah, she keeps saying that.
Don't you?
434
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,800
Makes you think. It does.
435
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,880
I think we might play chess later,
if you know what I mean.
436
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,000
Oh, I love cress.
437
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,400
It's full of potassium.
438
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,400
Yeah, fair enough.
she's an absolute sort.
439
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,080
But, listen, don't give everything
away on the first date.
440
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:52,880
Those mean girls?
441
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,400
They talk.
442
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:58,320
I'm not worried about that.
443
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,560
Now that I'm here, I'm going to
stay here for ever and ever.
444
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:01,840
Hopefully, longer.
445
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,240
Hey, Linda, can I have another hug?
I can't explain it, but the last one
446
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,600
just kind of felt like Christmas
447
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,640
Who are you?
448
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,680
What do you mean?
449
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,120
You're not Roy.
450
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,480
Oh, God, what have I done?
451
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,640
I'm going to go straight to prison.
Straight to prison.
452
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,000
I'm not even going to get a trial.
453
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,960
They're just going to send me
straight to prison.
454
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,280
I'm going to be a subject matter
on Loose Women.
455
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,080
They're all going to be,
"Oh, isn't she evil?"
456
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:26,560
"Oh, isn't she heartless?"
457
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,800
"How could she do that, just snatch
a child off the street?"
458
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,960
Come on, Karen, think.
Think, think.
459
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,120
How does this end?
460
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:34,320
DOORBELL RINGS
461
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:35,840
Who's that? Sh!
462
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,920
Shush!
463
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:43,600
You're going to be more quiet than
you've ever been in your tiny life.
464
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,760
Why?
465
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,320
Because I said so!
466
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,920
No, I am Roy. I swear.
467
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,360
Please. I'm as Roy as they come.
468
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:52,600
Roy died.
469
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,240
Oh, what, at war?
470
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,600
What war?
No, I got out.
471
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:58,520
What war are you talking about?
472
00:21:58,520 --> 00:21:59,800
What?
473
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,840
Erm... You know the war.
Go on, the big one.
474
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,240
The war of the, erm...
475
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:04,640
The war with the... The...
476
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:07,120
The three wise men.
Yeah. Oh, that one.
477
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,840
With baby Jesus, yeah. Yeah.
478
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,560
You know, suddenly I was just
surrounded by all these enemies.
479
00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:14,680
And all those little animals
in the stable.
480
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,000
Bollocks.
481
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,920
How many wars have you been in?
482
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:20,680
Why does this lesbian keep
talking to me?
483
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,920
And then, without warning
they attack.
484
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,880
Physically, verbally...
Mentally.
485
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,040
One of them just starts
gaslighting me.
486
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:28,400
She's not your husband.
487
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,720
Don't listen to her. It's me.
488
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,240
OK? Remember, your ears?
489
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,600
What ears?
490
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:35,120
I'm calling the carers.
491
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:36,280
Oh! Oh.
492
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,640
Seriously?
493
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,280
I'm calling the carers.
Seriously?
494
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,520
No! Yes.
495
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,160
I can't leave this place.
496
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,440
I love being elderly more than
I love anything ever in life.
497
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:45,520
Yes.
498
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,640
Come on, babe, let's go to my room.
Come on, up you get.
499
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,240
Have we taped Parkinson, Roy?
Yes, but you've got Parkinson's.
500
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:51,960
No. Parkinson.
501
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,400
Yes, you've got Parkinson's.
502
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,320
No, have we taped Parkinson?
503
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,160
Yes, we're fine, OK.
504
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,840
Is giving toxic?
505
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,560
I'm calling the carers.
506
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:01,640
What, what...
507
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,320
What do I have to do to make you
not call the carers?
508
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:05,680
Please.
509
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,960
Please, please.
510
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,360
Please.
511
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:11,280
Oh... Please.
512
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,880
Oh, my... Please!
513
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,040
KNOCK AT DOOR
514
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,800
What took you so long?
515
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,040
Ugh.
516
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,760
Babe.
517
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,520
I'm sorry, Barren.
518
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,080
Sorry. I mean, Barren...
519
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,480
I said it twice.
520
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:25,680
Karen.
521
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,160
You do know that this isn't
your house, still, yeah?
522
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:30,040
I mean, Chi still lives here.
523
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,840
I'm not a bad person.
524
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,560
OK? Oh... OK.
525
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,240
I've put everybody else first, yeah?
526
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:39,280
I hide my light under a great
big fucking bushel!
527
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,120
And now look at me!
528
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,480
Look at me!
529
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,040
What if, hypothetically...
530
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:48,800
..I had a friend, yeah?
531
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,280
And this friend was the most lovely,
532
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,960
kind, well-meaning woman...
533
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,360
Yeah, please don't start describing
women. Yeah?
534
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:59,560
And-and she had nothing but
the best of intentions.
535
00:23:59,560 --> 00:24:02,640
And through absolutely no fault
of her own,
536
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:05,480
she ended up kidnapping a child?
537
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,080
Ready or not!
538
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,240
Oh, my God.
539
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,480
Who are you?
540
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:13,160
Did Chi kidnap a kid?
541
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,760
Do you think other people would
believe that?
542
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,400
If that's what I told them happened?
543
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,440
Right, I think the coast is
clear for now.
544
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,600
Yeah, well, you know,
if you see anyone,
545
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,480
remember, you didn't see anything.
546
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,760
Nothing? Nothing.
Not even...
547
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:33,600
Really? Cos she saw something.
548
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,600
She's gone to tell the carers.
What do I say to them?
549
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,120
Don't worry about her. She was tiny.
All right.
550
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:40,640
Can I get you anything in
the meantime? Uh...
551
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,280
A night worth of yoghurt lids?
552
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,360
Just lids? What about the yog...
553
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,040
Earl Grey, Roy. Your favourite.
554
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,520
Oh, thanks, Linda.
555
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,360
Feet down, Roy! Yeah...
556
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,320
We're not Mediterraneans.
557
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,040
Ugh.
558
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:03,400
Like perfume, yeah.
559
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,360
Oh, God, I love love.
560
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:09,040
Karen and Dave always made it
look so hard.
561
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,800
Always banging on about sperm.
562
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:13,560
Sperm this, sperm that.
563
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,320
Don't say "sperm", dear.
564
00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:17,040
People will think you're a Mary.
565
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:18,440
Yeah.
566
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,560
Oh, I feel so happy.
567
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:25,760
Thank you, Roy.
568
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:27,160
Oh. You're welcome, Linda.
569
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,880
ALARM WAILS
570
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:33,360
Morning already?
571
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:35,200
Why's the room screaming?
572
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,880
Why's it not working?
What's happening here?!
573
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,640
And who are you?
574
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,880
There you are... Roy.
575
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,760
Is that Mummy? No.
576
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,720
Well, is that Mummy?
577
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:54,880
No.
578
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,240
Alfie, are any of these people
here Mummy?
579
00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:58,840
No! Why not?!
580
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,120
Oh, my God. Is that your mum?
You shouldn't have kidnapped me
581
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,520
in the first place! No, none
of the men are his mum, OK?
582
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,360
Oh, I really lost my head today,
Dave.
583
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:08,440
At one point, I even considered
breast feeding him.
584
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:09,920
Eurgh.
585
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,280
Well, I didn't actually do it.
586
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:12,880
PHONE RINGS
587
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:14,680
Yes?
588
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:15,720
Yeah, this is she.
589
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,440
What?!
590
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:20,920
Please just sit down.
591
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,440
Just wait there, please.
Don't do anything else.
592
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:27,960
I just don't know what she thought
was going to happen.
593
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,520
No. She convinced us you were
her husband.
594
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,840
It's literally crazy.
Yeah.
595
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:36,560
What the hell have you been doing
to all these old people?
596
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:38,600
They said you were in bed
with one of them?
597
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,960
Karen, she just got dumped.
Have a little bit of respect.
598
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,440
Look, I just can't... Just get up.
599
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:45,200
We need to get out of here,
before somebody arrests Chi.
600
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,880
No! No, no!
I want to retire.
601
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,400
Get up!
602
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,640
Get up! Don't...
No, don't pander to her!
603
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,480
I'll find my way back!
She can walk!
604
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,840
Are you going to be OK? Yeah.
605
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,920
Yeah, I'm just used to loss now,
so it doesn't make much difference.
606
00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,360
Plus, I hate the name Roy.
607
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:01,200
So, you know, it's just swings
and roundabouts.
608
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,600
Another day, another slay.
609
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:03,840
Karen, can we go to McDonalds?
610
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:05,840
No. Why not?
Please, please! Come on.
611
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:07,600
THEY CHANT: McDonalds!
McDonalds! McDonalds!
612
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,160
All right, fine, fine!
613
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:10,880
But no-one is getting a Happy Meal,
614
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,400
cos it creeps me out watching
you play with the toys.
615
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:14,600
Yeah.
616
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,560
I meant to get Alfie a Happy Meal,
but then you called...
617
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:18,760
Fuck!
618
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,160
Alfie!
619
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,560
He'll be all right.
Yeah, he'll be fine. Let's just go.
620
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:26,040
He'll be fine.
621
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:27,680
Quickly, Dave, though, please.
622
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:35,800
Roy?
623
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,440
Keep on runnin'
624
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:44,080
Keep on hidin'
625
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:50,360
One fine day I'm gonna be the one
to make you understand
626
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:53,760
Oh, yeah
I'm gonna be your man
627
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,080
Hey! Come on!
628
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,680
Make me feel so good
629
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:04,200
Ah!
630
00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,040
I wanna be your man
631
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,400
All right...
632
00:28:08,450 --> 00:28:13,000
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