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This programme contains
some strong language
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00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:05,960
and adult humour from the start
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MUFFLED SPLAT
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Ow! OK, yeah.
5
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I'm stuck.
6
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Sorry. Yeah, no, don't worry,
it's me... It's my fault.
7
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Yeah, I shouldn't have
been, you know...
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Do you know when dinner is?
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I don't know, I'm waiting
for Mum and Dad to get back.
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You don't think you could maybe
pop down to the Co-op yourself?
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Thing is, I'm more of
a stay-at-home daughter.
12
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Yeah, no.
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I'm not hungry.
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I'll be fine.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Who's that?
17
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Do you know how long it will be
until someone...can get me off here?
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Lucia Morelli?
19
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Yeah, I think. Yeah.
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Why?
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Can we come in?
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Yeah, sure.
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It's your parents, Lucia,
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they were involved in a
car accident this evening
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and have, unfortunately...
26
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..passed on.
27
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Well, do you know if
they're all right, or...?
28
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Well, they are dead,
29
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but, yeah.
30
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Look, I know this is extremely hard
to take in right now
31
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so you let us if
there's anyone we can call.
32
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Well, I would say
Mum and Dad usually...
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Mm-hm.
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..but... Yeah.
35
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There was one thing
salvageable from the crash.
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Do you think it's
too soon to eat this?
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Chi!
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Chi!
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Did my sister even want
her ashes spread in the sea?
40
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Well, you know it's not your
sister's ashes in there, don't you?
41
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They harvest bits and bobs pieces
of body parts all the time.
42
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Stop it, Dave! Sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
43
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Right, where are the urns?
44
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Why is there only one?
45
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I blended them together
cos it's easier to carry.
46
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You blended them?
47
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What was in there?
48
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Look, can you just stop it?
49
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Right, just promise me that,
when I'm dead, you just burn me
50
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on the spot before
the elites get to me.
51
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Can we just get on with this,
please, I'm freezing.
52
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I've already done it.
53
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They look so peaceful.
54
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There's a bit more...
No, no. Right, I'm going.
55
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Do you know they actually
weren't in those urns?
56
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,960
No, just don't do that.
Who was, then?
57
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You're asking the wrong
questions, Chi. Oh.
58
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,360
All I'm saying is, you haven't
59
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,760
necessarily seen the last
of your parents' faces.
60
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What do you mean?
61
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Well, their parts will be reused.
62
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:24,080
Well, that's quite nice in a way.
Yeah. It's like recycling.
63
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,960
A little bit sustainable, innit?
Yeah. Yeah.
64
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,640
Can I just read the will now?
Yes, do, please.
65
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"By the time anyone hears this,
hopefully I'll be dead." Correct.
66
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,760
"To my husband, Tony,
if you're listening to this,
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"then congrats, you lasted longer
than I expected." Incorrect.
68
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,720
They went at the same time.
Same time.
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"Assuming he is dead too, the house
goes to my daughter Lucia...
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00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,880
For fuck sake. .."on the condition
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00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,320
"that she completes the list
of things I've written down."
72
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. How come she has
73
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,720
to do the things
that you've written down?
74
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,120
Do you understand what wills are?
75
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I'm reading this...
These are her mother's words.
76
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,160
Were you reading in my mum's voice?
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00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,640
Cos she didn't sound like that.
No, she didn't.
78
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,120
She had a much higher voice than
that. Yeah. Didn't she?
79
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,360
I'm not...
80
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,880
You did a better impression of her
than he just did.
81
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:09,800
No offence. No,
what's...what's on the list, please?
82
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,800
Some basic stuff. Stuff like,
83
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"learn how to tell the time,
get one GCSE."
84
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,760
There's also a note saying
85
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:19,240
"I know you're probably mid-forties
so this doesn't apply to you,
86
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,640
"but I worried you wouldn't make
anything of your life."
87
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,320
Is that it? Is... I mean.
88
00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,920
Uh, also, "the Nutri-Bullet goes
to my brother-in-law Dave
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00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,160
"and if Karen's alive,
she can have the rug."
90
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,840
Come to papa.
91
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,640
I...I bought her that rug!
92
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OK.
93
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,760
It's that. It's a nice rug.
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00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,240
So is everything here
up for grabs, then?
95
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,920
Like, can I have that plant?
96
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,240
No. That's my plant.
97
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,120
Can he have that plant? No.
98
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,680
I do want to ask, your honour,
but...
99
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,800
You don't have to call me that.
..did I get anything?
100
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,000
Why would you get anything?
Why would you...?
101
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,440
Why would he get anything, Dave?
102
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,480
No, you're not my son.
103
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,480
You're not a part of my family,
104
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,520
I mean, you're barely part
of my family. Oh.
105
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,880
I just wanted a little something.
106
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,320
All right. Well, I'll let
you know when I'm home safe.
107
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,280
I just, before I go,
just want to say what...
108
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:15,280
..like, speaking from my heart,
it will be better for all of us
109
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,400
if I just move in with you,
don't you think?
110
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,520
Yeah. No, absolutely not. No.
111
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,480
No, you're 21 years old.
That's ridiculous.
112
00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,600
Well, in cat years, yeah.
113
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,560
Hey, hey, hey, cat years, that's
114
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:29,160
one year to every seven years
115
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,440
which would make you...462.
116
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,120
Oh, well she's well
too old to live alone.
117
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,360
That's my childhood home, Dave.
118
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,280
Yeah, I get it, who wouldn't want
to live in their childhood home?
119
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,600
Exactly. No. no, I don't want to
live in it, I want to sell it.
120
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,800
No, I can't do anything
with it cos it's been lived in
121
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,440
by, you know, all due respect,
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00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,920
a complete fucking idiot.
123
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,400
..play that song so loud?
Because we want to...
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SHE SIGHS
125
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,160
Yeah.
126
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,800
I'm just letting you know
I'm home safe. So...
127
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,200
Uh, just drive, Dave. Drive.
128
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,840
Auntie Karen.
129
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,480
Aun...Auntie Karen.
130
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,560
THUD!
131
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,160
MUSIC: Everywhere
by Fleetwood Mac
132
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Calling out your name
133
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Calling out your name
134
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,680
Can you hear me
calling out your name?
135
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,920
You know that I'm falling
and I don't know what to say
136
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,080
I'll speak a little louder
137
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:47,720
I'll even shout...
138
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:52,400
Lucas, you actually
like Chi, don't you?
139
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,680
Yeah, she's fab. Yeah.
140
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,040
Can you spy on her for me?
141
00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,280
Yeah, sure, right. No, like, now.
142
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,080
Go there now and just make sure
she doesn't do anything weird.
143
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,480
Yeah, all right, Mum. Karen.
144
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,600
It's that way. Sorry, yeah.
145
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:19,040
Sorry, Karen. Idiot.
146
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,640
VACUUM CLEANER HUMS
147
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:35,040
Hey. Oh, sorry you
losed your parents.
148
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,360
This is a joke. When are you going
to stock the shelves again?
149
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,440
I know, have some
respect she's grieving.
150
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,840
But when are you going to fill the
151
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,720
shelves again just
because we're starving?
152
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,000
What's that your throwing?
Just a cheese ball.
153
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,960
Yeah. It went out of date in 2001.
154
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,280
Oh. No, don't eat it.
155
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:54,520
It doesn't smell like cheese.
No, no, no, wait, wait.
156
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,720
She'll be back.
157
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,680
SHE EXHALES SHARPLY
158
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,160
"How to steal dead sister's house."
159
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,280
Oh, what you looking at? Um...
160
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,680
..porn.
161
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,360
OK, um, after you've finished,
162
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,960
can I use the computer?
163
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,200
I need to upload my
Clubcard points.
164
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,200
That's fine, yeah.
165
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,920
What were you watching?
166
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,760
It's none of my business.
OK, see you later.
167
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,920
Yeah. That's better.
168
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,560
You still haven't started it, then?
169
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,920
Oh, hey, guys.
170
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,360
Why does Dad have a mullet?
171
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,280
Sorry. Is that really the only
weird thing about this to you?
172
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,040
You want to get off your arse
and stop being bone idle.
173
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,720
You can't be a stay-at-home-daughter
forever, you...
174
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,120
..you've got to go
out and live life.
175
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,200
You look like Billy Ray Cyrus, Dad.
176
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,400
Do I? No, you don't. Well, she said.
177
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,560
Yeah, but she's lying.
And that was unprompted.
178
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,560
Look, read a book, hmm?
179
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:05,960
Try new things.
180
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,040
Get out of bloody Kent.
181
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,200
Learn to drive.
Yeah, learn to drive.
182
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:12,320
Learn to drive?
183
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:16,760
But isn't that a bit awkward because
you just died in a car crash?
184
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:20,280
Well, I didn't pay £40 for you
to have a provisional license
185
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,800
for no reason, did I?
186
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,240
Sh! I'm watching EastEnders!
187
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,240
God, is Nan here, too?
I didn't see her.
188
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,480
Yeah, she's here. Always.
189
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:31,320
PARENTS: Learn to drive.
190
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,160
Learn to drive.
191
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,040
Learn to drive.
192
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,320
Ooh, Tony.
193
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,240
Learn to drive.
194
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,000
Learn to drive. I...
195
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,320
I can see you guys, by the way.
196
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,080
It's actually quite a small table.
Yes, there's not enough...
197
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,640
Just...learn to drive.
..to drive.
198
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,200
Learn to drive.
199
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:52,840
Thanks for the house, by the way.
200
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:54,480
Learn to drive.
201
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,880
And pay particular attention
to braking distances.
202
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:03,680
MUSIC: Take On Me
by A-ha
203
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,680
Excuse me, do you know
if you're a driving instructor?
204
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,440
Do you know how to drive?
205
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,720
Is that a learner driver?
It is, innit?
206
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,360
TYRES SCREECH
207
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,560
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
208
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,120
What's she doing?
Are you all right? Nice one. Yeah.
209
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,760
You OK? Oh, perfect. Hold on.
210
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,520
Oh, great.
211
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,640
So what happens now?
212
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,560
Well, I'm...
213
00:10:39,560 --> 00:10:41,440
I'm currently in the
middle of a lesson.
214
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,520
It was... I think it was
just right here in the road
215
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,080
where my mum and dad
died in a car crash.
216
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,360
Oh. They got completely smashed.
217
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:50,800
And I was just sat at home
218
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:54,320
not knowing I was about to
become an orphan like Annie.
219
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,920
From Annie.
220
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,280
I'm sorry about that. Thank you.
221
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,560
Um. I... I'm a bit confused.
222
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,040
Do you...do you have a booking?
223
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,920
Oh, no, it's fine, I can just wait.
224
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,800
Don't worry. You carry on.
Pretend I'm not here.
225
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,000
You don't mind, do you?
226
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,800
Um, well, no. No, he doesn't mind.
227
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,480
So, where are we going?
228
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:20,000
Excuse me, do you not think...
229
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,520
Right around the roundabout
and then go back up...
230
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,680
..maybe put on... ..up the hill.
..Heart Radio?
231
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,120
In third. Just cos
it's Amanda Holden on today.
232
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,680
Chi. Where are you, Chi?
233
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,640
Oh, brilliant. Chi?
234
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,920
I'm bored.
235
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,720
No, no, don't do that.
236
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,360
Don't touch anything.
237
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,880
SHE SLURPS
238
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,280
And well done on going through
the drive-through, too.
239
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,880
I've never asked that of someone
on a second lesson before.
240
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,040
Yeah, thanks for that.
Yeah, really appreciate.
241
00:11:57,040 --> 00:12:02,960
And next week we will
focus on T-junctions, how exciting!
242
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,520
And, oh, don't forget
the six-point check.
243
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:06,760
I know that one.
244
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,960
There's Anne Boleyn,
Katherine Seymour and...
245
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,640
No, no, no, it's something...
Well done, by the way. Well done.
246
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,160
Yeah, very well done,
very well done. Great, incredible.
247
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,720
Difficult circumstances. Yeah.
248
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,320
Honestly, I think
he's ready for his test.
249
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,880
He gave me goose bumps
with how great he was at driving.
250
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,480
Anyway, do you want to get in the
back, just cos it's my turn now?
251
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,920
Uh, well, no, you...
252
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,000
..you'll need to get in the front,
but... OK.
253
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,760
You have to sign up
with one of my forms first.
254
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,120
Oh, that's fine. I should have
some... That's fine, yeah.
255
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,360
..in here, actually, with a little
bit of luck. I've got a pen.
256
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,760
I can't seem to find
any of my forms here.
257
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,560
I must have left them at home.
258
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,880
Oh, my wife's going to kill me.
259
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:53,560
Anyway, why don't we just nip round
yours and get the rest of the forms?
260
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:56,080
Yeah. No, that...that would
be incredibly unprofessional,
261
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,400
there's absolutely...
262
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,520
Yeah...
263
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,120
So what first attracted
you to Gary, then, Hel?
264
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,280
This... Sorry.
265
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:07,520
Tight knees and... Who are you?
266
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,280
DOORBELL RINGS
267
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,280
Oh, uh... I'll get that.
268
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,480
I didn't catch your name.
She's my step cousin.
269
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,560
She just wants to
hang out, that's all.
270
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:17,680
Cousin? Gary! Who is this girl?
271
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,920
You all right? Hey. So why here?
272
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:26,800
I just thought we could hang out at
my new driving instructor's house.
273
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,040
Oh, yeah, great, of course.
274
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,240
Yeah, it's a nice letterbox,
isn't it? Mm.
275
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:34,960
I love the design and the way you
can, like, put letters through it.
276
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,800
Yeah. Yeah.
277
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,760
Oh, would you say this colour's
white or off-white? Yeah.
278
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,040
Yeah, no, no, no.
279
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,240
Oh by the way,
how's the house doing?
280
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,040
It is, like, still there, right?
281
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,160
What, the one I won? Yeah.
282
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,720
I think so, yeah.
283
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,400
So you haven't, like,
spoke to any estate agent
284
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,600
because it's in a desirable area
or, you know, put it on the market?
285
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,920
No, it's not on the market.
286
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,440
Oh. Karen's going to be pleased.
287
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,960
Oh, God. I really love her.
288
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,480
Yeah, she's great.
289
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:08,680
Who is she?! How is this
spending quality time together?
290
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:10,560
I don't know any more than you do.
291
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,960
You can't go picking up young
girls off the street, Gary.
292
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,800
I didn't pick her up!
Is this about Alison?
293
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:18,760
She picked me up! We need to talk...
What do you mean, she picked you up?
294
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:20,720
Be honest with me, Gary.
295
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,040
Are you a paedophile? No!
296
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,800
Look, I'm your wife...husband,
Helen.
297
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,600
This is Lucas.
Oh, hello, nice to meet you.
298
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,240
Such a lovely family and...
299
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,800
Yes, shall I take my shoes off?
300
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,720
Yes! Nah, don't worry about it.
Right.
301
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,120
So what you two doing here, then?
302
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:44,360
Um, we've...
303
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:45,960
Well, we live here.
304
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,760
It's our....it's our house.
305
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,200
Oh, cool.
306
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,480
The thing is, Hel, Gary has come
307
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:56,560
into my life at almost
the exact perfect time,
308
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,880
you know, and, um, I feel like my
309
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,280
parents almost live on through you.
310
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,280
Oh. So sorry again
for your loss again.
311
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,440
Thank you.
312
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,520
It almost feels like fate to me.
313
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,640
I don't know if it feels like
that for you. Ooh! Who's this, then?
314
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,520
She's absolutely stunning and sexy.
315
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,920
Oh. Thank you.
316
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,640
That's...that's our daughter.
Alison.
317
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:23,880
She's, um...
318
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,920
..currently at military camp
in Gibraltar.
319
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,080
Gary, stop right now.
320
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,720
I can't, I just miss her so much.
Gary!
321
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,000
Sorry.
322
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,720
Get it together, Gary,
you're embarrassing yourself.
323
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,120
You're such a prick.
324
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:52,680
Hey, can I play, please?
325
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,240
It's not my ball, ask Alison.
326
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,160
Hey, can I play?
327
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,720
No. You look like Anne Frank.
328
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,000
Alison.
329
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,800
Phillip Schofield.
A complete Lizard.
330
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,120
PHONE BEEPS
331
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,120
Ooh! It's ready
332
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,360
Yeah, just... I can't stop thinking
about all the different ways
333
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,440
she could destroy that house.
334
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,040
Yeah, I know she seems harmless,
like, you know, there's
335
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,960
nothing's going behind the eyes,
but I bet you she's plotting.
336
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,480
What does it say? It's just the
story of my life, isn't it?
337
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:40,840
You know, didn't get the house
when Mum and Dad died
338
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,280
and now my sister's dead,
still haven't got the house.
339
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,680
What did I get? I got a rug.
340
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:47,720
Does it say anything? I got a...
I got a rug, Dave. I got a rug.
341
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:54,000
Hmm. Maybe I could wee on it,
342
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,680
It's the 2020s.
343
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:04,640
Right, what exactly
is that supposed to mean?
344
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,080
Pronouns.
345
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,560
"Pronouns"?
346
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,720
He, she, they, him.
347
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,320
I know what pronouns are, Dave.
348
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,080
That. Go for it, go for it.
349
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,520
Knock yourself out. Go on.
350
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,480
Save you getting up in the night,
won't it? Go on, off you go.
351
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,400
Driving's great, innit?
It's so much fun. Oh.
352
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,040
Oh, God, I'm so stressed.
353
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,560
Gear two.
354
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,720
Why, though? We're having
the best time, you know.
355
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,800
Just...I'm so lonely.
Gear three. ..at home.
356
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,440
I miss Alison being there.
357
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:41,080
Well, have you ever thought
about just forgetting about her?
358
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:44,120
Yeah? I don't know.
I just think you drive
359
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,440
a Ford Kia Hatchback Hyundai 2006.
360
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:50,080
You don't have to put up
with any shit from a woman.
361
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,040
Oh, I don't know, I'm not sure.
362
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,440
So you tell your wife that
no-one tells Gary what to do.
363
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,680
What are you doing? That she has...
PHONE RINGS
364
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,240
No, no! ..absolutely no rights.
365
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,000
No, look... No?
366
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,440
No, I... Gary?
367
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,520
Oh. Hello, love. How's your...?
368
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,160
What do you want?
369
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:09,120
Um... You're phoning her to tell her
370
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,360
that you're sick of the way
she talks to you. Gary?
371
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,760
Oh, yeah, I'm phoning you
to tell you that I've had
372
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,560
enough of the way
you talk to me. What?
373
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,320
And I'm not happy Alison
is in the army...
374
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,320
And I'm not happy that
Alison is in the army.
375
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,800
That she should get a proper job.
376
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,080
And I think she should get
a proper job instead.
377
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,160
Gary, who is that on
the phone with you? Who?
378
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,400
Tell me it's not that girl again.
No, no, no, no.
379
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,080
At least let it be a prostitute or
something. I couldn't help it.
380
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,400
She tol... Gear two.
381
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,520
It's not going in this,
I don't know why you came yet.
382
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,920
No, no, that's not a gear,
that's my knee. Oh, my God.
383
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,640
Helen, no. No, it's not...
384
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,640
PHONE CLICKS
385
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,240
I think that went really well,
to be honest.
386
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,040
I have to save my family.
387
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:49,760
I could be your family.
388
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,880
Hey, wait here.
389
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,360
Or over here.
390
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,320
No, I'm joking,
I make the rules, yeah.
391
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,120
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
392
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,960
Sorry, I'm late. Oh, hello.
393
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,440
So why am I here, then?
394
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,360
Well, I need to see my lawyer.
395
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,560
Oh. I'd love to have a lawyer.
Yeah, same. They're sick.
396
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,040
What are you doing here?
397
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,120
Well, you know the list you gave me?
398
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,680
I've learnt to drive. Yay!
399
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,560
Right, you don't need to keep me
updated with all your movements.
400
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,200
But you're her lawyer. Yeah. So...
401
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,360
What else would I do? Yeah.
402
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,520
You gave me a house the other day.
Yeah, that's a big gesture.
403
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:32,120
I thought... No, it's in the will.
One minute, you're giving her
404
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,320
a house, the next minute
you don't want to see her,
405
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:35,680
it's mixed signals somewhere.
406
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,200
There's absolutely no reason
for us to see each other again.
407
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,880
I guess I just update you every
five to six things I check off.
408
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,280
Yeah, that makes sense.
No, no, this isn't a thing.
409
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,520
Hmm, right.
410
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,720
OK. Well, I'll see
you soon, then. No.
411
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:50,400
Yeah, see you in a bit, mate.
412
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,640
No, not you.
413
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,320
That's... But me?
414
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,680
No, neither of you, you
don't need to come in again.
415
00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:58,480
Well, nice to see you.
Lovely to see you.
416
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,040
Until next time. Well, no,
there isn't... Why would you come?
417
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,640
No, there's no next time.
After you, madame. After you.
418
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,760
Thank you.
419
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,160
BOTH: Take it off!
Take it off! Take it...
420
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,840
Oh.
421
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,520
Tess Daly. Didn't think...
422
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:14,480
I really didn't think
it was going to be her. No.
423
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,080
DOORBELL RINGS
424
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,640
Oh, Ron.
425
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:22,960
You all right? It's Gary. Right.
426
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,600
Uh, do you want to come in?
Yeah. Can I come in?
427
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,160
Do you want a cup of tea?
Ooh, yes, please.
428
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,960
It's just through here.
429
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,840
Oh. All right, Ron?
430
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,760
It's Gary. Nice.
431
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,520
My wife said she needed
space away from me.
432
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,520
I'm too dreadful, apparently.
You're joking.
433
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,560
That's so weird cos my auntie's been
434
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,960
saying stuff like that
recently about me.
435
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,560
Mm, we're not well-liked.
436
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:52,640
I know, it's like the nightmares.
437
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,840
But you can always stay here just
438
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,120
until, you know, your
wife lets you back.
439
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,080
Oh. That's very kind of you. Yeah.
440
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,440
If, you know, drive me
round everywhere in your car.
441
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:06,040
And I can also throw in my parents'
clothes cos obviously they're...
442
00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:08,320
..they're dead
so probably won't use them. Mm.
443
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,120
What...what sort of size
are we talking about?
444
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,120
Well, my mum was kind of...
445
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,680
No, I was thinking more like
your dad. Yeah, course. Yeah.
446
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,960
Dave! Yeah?
447
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,280
Well, it's baby-making time.
448
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,080
Come on. What?
449
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,320
Really?
450
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,640
I'm just really knackered.
451
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:27,960
I mean, it's a...
452
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,000
I know, can you just
fit me in another day? No.
453
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,360
No, I haven't got any days
during the week, I'm flat-out.
454
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,200
I've told you. It's now
or never again. Come on.
455
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,960
All right.
456
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,400
Oh, I'm sorry!
457
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,640
RINGTONE
458
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,640
I just have to take this.
459
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,080
Hi, I'm in an appointment.
460
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,440
What do you want?
461
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:47,880
Oh, hey, it's just a quick one.
462
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,840
I just wondered where we
put all of Dad's clothes
463
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,000
cos I'm going to donate
them to my new flatmate.
464
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,240
What do you mean "flatmate"?
465
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,600
No, I've told you,
Lucas is not moving in there
466
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,960
if you're referring to him.
467
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,840
God, no, it's my driving instructor.
468
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:02,800
He lives with me now. It's a long
story, but his wife kicked him out
469
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,040
because she thought was
a paedophile and then...
470
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,440
Excuse me, did you just...did you
just use the word "paedophile"?
471
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,200
Yeah, don't worry about that,
that's just an accusation.
472
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,400
Well, OK, no! What is going on, Chi?
473
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:16,240
Who...who have you let
in the house, OK? What...
474
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,040
I mean, what does he look like?
475
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,400
Well, he's bent over right now.
Oh, my God.
476
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,520
OK, Chi get him out
of the house now.
477
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,360
Love you, bye. Yeah, Ch...
478
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,880
Oh, my God. We need to go.
479
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,080
Put your pants back on.
480
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,720
Well, do we see if he's a
paedophile after this? No, no.
481
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,760
Get your pants on, we're going. OK?
482
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,480
HE SIGHS
483
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:38,680
It tickles.
484
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,480
GIGGLING
485
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,840
OK, stop it! Gary, stop it!
486
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,440
You're not going to
fit in there, Gary.
487
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:51,400
Hello.
Oh, you come to join us, Karen?
488
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,920
It's, uh...
What the fuck is going on here?
489
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,720
Oh, it's not what it seems.
490
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,400
You are a pervert and you need
to get out this house right now.
491
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,200
Right now. I've got nowhere to go.
492
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,240
I don't care you've
got nowhere to go.
493
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,000
You're not staying here in my house.
Get him out, please. No, no, no.
494
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,960
Will you send me those photos?
No, no.
495
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,720
No-one's sending anyone any
pictures. Get him out, please, now.
496
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,560
I'm not a paedophile. Yeah, I know.
497
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:16,600
Karen, so Chi has taken in her
homeless driving instructor.
498
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,440
Yeah, thanks, Lucas.
499
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,360
I know it looks a bit weird but...
Yeah. We was playing Twister.
500
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,160
It's all it was.
Twister's a good game.
501
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:25,320
Yeah, it's a great game.
502
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,880
What are you doing now?
It's my list.
503
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,000
What are you doing?
Give me that, please.
504
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:32,840
Why have you ticked that off?
505
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,960
Why have you ticked off
"learn how to drive"?
506
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:36,960
You did the opposite
of learning how to drive.
507
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,560
You...you took a driving
instructor out of his car
508
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:41,520
and you put him here in my house.
509
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,360
And when...when have you
"taken in a person in need" exactly?
510
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:48,680
That, it was Gary, but you
just kicked him out. No, no.
511
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,360
He wasn't in need, was he? He was!
512
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,560
The only thing he's in
need of is a prison cell
513
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,960
cos you were the one that told
me that was a paedophile. No!
514
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,960
Just so you know, he
said he wasn't a paedophile.
515
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,360
Yeah, of course he said
he wasn't a paedophile.
516
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,000
He doesn't even look
like a paedophile.
517
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,400
But if he ever comes here again,
518
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,800
you do not open the door to him,
do you understand me?
519
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,280
Well, you have to take the
spare key off him, then, because...
520
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,280
What? Why has he got the spare key?
521
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:11,840
He was going to stay here for a
while. His wife kicked him out.
522
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,600
You need to go and get the spare key
off him right now. Right, OK. OK.
523
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,520
Let's go and get some paedo,
come on. Right now.
524
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,800
Paedophile squad, here we go.
525
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,600
We've got hunches. Nee-naw! Nee-naw!
526
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,360
Why is there scribbling
at the bottom? What does this mean?
527
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,080
"Go to McDonald's, go
up to the counter
528
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,920
"and ask where the
nearest McDonalds is"?
529
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,600
I wrote that cos it's...
Why have you written that on there?
530
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,360
It's just something I've always
wanted to do. This is ridiculous.
531
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:36,280
You're adding stuff to
your own list, are you? Yeah.
532
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,520
OK. Well, I'll add one.
533
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,440
Go to college, get a job
and buy your own house.
534
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:47,240
Here. No, I don't need a pen.
You can write it down. OK.
535
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:51,760
You do that and then I won't have
to deal with any more of your...
536
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,480
How do you spell "college"?
537
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,600
What is that?
538
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,520
Oh, I drew art as well.
539
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:03,200
No, what...what is that?
540
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,720
That's us. I drew it.
541
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,280
You drew us on the wall.
542
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,080
Together, yeah. We're holding hands.
543
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,480
Fuck sake.
544
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:21,640
Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road
545
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,240
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more
546
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:28,720
I'm gonna take my horse
to the old town road
547
00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,400
I'm gonna ride
till I can't no more
548
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,200
I got the horses in the back
549
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,920
Horse tack is attached
550
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,800
Hat is matte black
551
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:39,800
Got the boots that's black
to match
552
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,720
Riding on a horse, ha
553
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,280
You can whip your Porsche
554
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,880
I been in the valley
555
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,720
You ain't been up off the porch,
now
556
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:50,520
Can't nobody tell me nothing
557
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:54,080
You can't tell me nothing
558
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,840
Can't nobody tell me nothing
559
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,840
You can't tell me nothing.
560
00:26:00,890 --> 00:26:05,440
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