All language subtitles for The.Mick.S02E13.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.x265.10bit.AAC.5.1-Qman[UTR]_track3_[eng]

She's coming in hot.
She's The Mick.

-Yaah!
-I just built that.

It didn't take.

Catch all-new episodes Tuesdays.

And check out our other Fox
programs-- Brooklyn Nine-Nine,

The Last Man on Earth and
Ghosted.

I don't really know how
to do any of this stuff.

Only on Fox.

(cooing)

(pigeons cooing)

Damn it, Chip! You forgot
to bring him in last night.

-Shoo! Get out of here!
-Be gone! Be gone!

-Shoo!
-Go.

You're the one
who wheeled him out here.

Yeah, well, I can't have him
watching me eat.

His skin looks like oatmeal.
It's disgusting.

What the hell'd
you guys do the colonel?

Chip left him outside all night.

Don't put this on me!
I'm not his frickin' nurse.

No, you're his family.

You two are unbelievable.

This poor bastard opens up
his home to us,

and this is how you repay him?

You're lucky
that he's still kind of alive.

Oh, please. If he still
had his vocal cords,

-he'd tell you to get your
lazy ass out of his house. -Hey!

When I was your age, I shared
a room with my grandfather,

and he used to have nightmares
about the war,

and try and ride me around
like his horse.

The least you can do is
take this guy to the groomer.

-Long hair is in again.
-Yeah.

If you love him so much,
you take him.

Can't. I got plans.

Oh, really? What plans?

Important plans...
that are none of your business.

Yeah, well, I got plans, too.

The new Kevin Durants are
dropping today.

I got to get in line.

They're coke white. So sick.

They make Yeezy Red Octobers
look like Stan Smiths.

You hear that, Colonel?

Your grandson's leaving you
for footwear. Excuse me.

(Sabrina sighs heavily)

I don't know. Maybe he's right.

I mean,
we can't leave him like this.

The man looks
like a melted candle.

All right, well, tonight,

we'll shave him
and hose him down.

Chip,
we got to do something now.

-But what about my kicks?
-Too bad!

-I can't lug him around
by myself. -He's got wheels.

Great, so you can wheel him to
the car, and I'll get the keys.

Nah.

(children laughing)

(screams)
What?! No!

No! Who threw this?! No...

-So help me, God, I...
-(Mickey sighs, children giggle)

-I got to get off this bus
before I lose it. -Oh.

The sanitation center
was not nearly

as awesome as you promised.

-Yeah, so I lied to you.
Get over it. -I loved it!

The floor was all gooey, and
my shoes made a noise like...

-(makes squishing sounds)
-Ugh.

-Can you guys come on every
field trip from now on? -No.

Who learns anything at the dump?
It's outrageous.

You have any idea how much
money we give this school?

-How much?
-What?

-Money. -Oh, I don't know,
but I'm guessing it's a lot.

If I wanted to work in a dump,
I would get in a time machine

and go back to the worse summer
of my life

where I worked in a dump.

If Gibbons ever tries
to force me

into something like this again,

I will snatch his ass
right out of his pants.

You forced me to come.

I didn't force you
into anything.

Oh, you said if I don't come,
I will be your enemy.

It's a figure of speech.

You don't treat me
like an equal.

Oh, shut up, dummy.
I treat you fine.

No, no, no, no, no!
Sit down! Sit down!

Got to do a quick head count.

Two, four, six, eight, ten, 12,
four... Sit down!

(muttering)

-21?
-Yeah, that's what I got.

Two, four, six, eight,

ten, 12... (muttering)

-21.
-Yeah, 21.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

How's that possible?
We left the dump with 20.

-What? -What, did we pick up
an extra kid?

-No. -All right, raise your hand
if you go to Lockwood.

You-- what's your name?

Hey, Benny, you know this kid?

I've never seen him.

Boy, did you come from the dump?

Hello? Speak to me.

¿Hablas español?

Welcome back.

Did we have fun?

Oh, gosh, what a dump.
What a dump.

Nice work. Looks like
everyone made it back alive.

Yeah, and then some.

Hey, Chip,
think you forgot something.

Sabrina. Sabrina, wait.
No, you can't leave him here.

Hey, hey! Take him back. Go.
(groans)

Chip!

Why do you want to look
like these idiots anyway?

This dude's wearing tights
and a tunic.

Sabrina, you know nothing
about culture.

(Chip groans)

-Get him out of here!
-No!

Dude, you took my spot.

Damn it, Sabrina.

Now I have to go all the way
to the back of the line.

You've ruined my life!

Chip, you don't even
play basketball.

You're four foot two
and you have the legs of a bird.

They're not for basketball.

They're on his lifestyle line.
God, I hate you!

Yo, little man, go ahead and

grab yourself a pair of Durants
so you can help your grandpa.

-Seriously? -Most def.
You shouldn't have to choose

between sneakers and family.

My man! (laughs)

BEN:
* We're going back to the dump *

-* Dump, dump, dump,
we're going... * -Okay, relax.

We're just dropping off
your friend,

and then
we're going straight home.

It's okay
that we're doing this, right?

Of course.
We didn't do anything wrong.

If anything, we'll be celebrated
for returning him.

This whole thing is
a big misunderstanding.

Cops, cops. Drive, drive.

-Drive, drive, drive. Drive.
-Why? What?

-Go, go, go, go, go.
Keep driving. -Okay, okay.

(engine revving)

My Aunt Mickey hates cops.

Okay, Ben, here's some snacks.
Why don't you take Dump

-and go show him your room?
-Come on, Dump, this way.

-His name is Dump now?
-We had to call him something.

Well, can't we do better
than Dump?

Sure, Alba.
What do you want to call him?

-Ignacio, after my great...
-Cool, sounds good.

-What the hell are we gonna do?
-I don't know.

You're the one
that made me drive away.

Cops make me nervous.

But I do know
that we just need to stay calm

because we did not do anything
wrong.

Well, except
we brought him home.

Yeah, yeah, we did that.

Okay, but maybe the cops were
looking for something else.

-You know, it's a dump!
-Mm.

People dispose
of all kinds of shady stuff.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so, we go back,

and we talk to them,
and we sort it all out.

What are you, nuts?
Nah, they-they go poking around

into our business,
and before you know it,

I'm doing hard time,
and you're deported.

-Well, I'm a citizen.
-They don't care anymore!

-Well... Oh, that is true.
-But

we could call the cops
and find out what they know.

I just said that.

You said talk to them,
which is absurd.

I said call them.
Much smarter.

Okay, okay, fine, we call them.

-What? Are you insane?!
Not from our phone. -(gasps)

Are you trying
to get us arrested?

Well, you said
we were innocent.

Ah, we are. Will you just please
listen to me, all right?

-Go grab Ben and Ignacio
and meet me in the car. -Okay.

And do you know what?
I got to say,

after hearing it on its feet,
we're going back to "Dump."

-I don't like "Ignacio."
It's stupid. -(Alba scoffs)

I can't believe
they let you cut the line.

This guy's like a celebrity.

And they gave us free kicks.

These are straight fire
and impossible to get.

Kids-- they're getting
stomped on over these.

I'm gonna be straight
dunking on fools.

Kobe!

Thought they were
a lifestyle shoe.

They are,
but you can still hoop in 'em.

God, you're so ignorant.

Do you think everybody would
treat the colonel like that?

Probably. When I said
he was a war hero,

-they all looked like
they were gonna cry. -Ah.

Oh, what sweet children.

Those are some
dope kicks, Gramps.

Wow. People are really suckers
for old men in wheelchairs.

Yo, am I a horrible person
for thinking, like,

what else we could we
get out of him?

No. This is way better than
getting crapped on by birds.

Yeah, he's out here,
he's getting fresh air,

getting the respect he deserves.

Yeah, we're not doing
anything wrong.

I mean, last I checked,
this was a free country.

(scoffs)
Yeah, thanks to him.

Exactly. This is what
he fought for.

You know what? I have an idea.
Let's get him cleaned up.

Hey, wake up. Sorry,
gotta use this phone.

I'm sure you know it's kinda
the last pay phone

in the world, so move it--
hyah.

-Ah! Ew! God, why is it so wet?
-Ugh.

-Here.
-What? Why do I have to call?

Because I've done literally
everything else.

You want to be equals,
start pulling your weight.

(groans)

OPERATOR:
911 emergency.

Yo, yo, you jive-ass turkey.

What's the skinny on the po-po
down at the dump?

OPERATOR:
I'm sorry?

The coppers down at Fairfield
county sanitation,

you mark-ass trick.

OPERATOR: Are you calling
to report a crime?

You tell me, Jack.
Five-O be buggin' me out!

OPERATOR: I'll patch you through
to the detective on the case.

What are you doing?

I disguise my voice
to protect my identity.

Yeah.
Yeah, I got that part.

Did you have to be so racist?

Is that how you think
black people talk?

No! Who said anything about
talking like a black person?

That was a cool white lady.

Oh, no, you're a racist for
thinking that was a black voice.

Huh. Okay.

DETECTIVE HURLEY:
Hello? Hello?

-Yeah?
-This is Detective Hurley.

-Who am I talking to?
-Shut your mouth, bacon,

-before I fry your greasy ass.
-All right.

HURLEY: Okay.
Do you have information

regarding the kidnapping?

Kidnapping? No!
No, no, no, no kidnapping.

We took him by accident.

-What?
-HURLEY: So you do have the boy.

-Dah!
-What did... What did you do?

Well, he said we kidnapped him,
but we didn't.

Well, now they think we did!
Ah! You blew it!

Oh, no. You know what?
I call back,

and I go, "Yo, yo,
it's just a prank, yo."

It's not a prank!
There's a child missing.

And now they probably already
traced the call.

-We gotta move.
-Yeah, yeah.

MAN:
I'm gonna have to see some ID.

No, of course it's not for me,
it's for my dear grandfather.

Yeah, he's a freaking war vet.

He's killed, like,
a ton of Germans,

and he does not like waiting,
so hurry up.

Unless you hate freedom.

Okay, one lemon drop, coming up.

Holy crap, it actually worked.

People are so stupid.
Or patriotic, I guess.

Excuse me, I noticed that your
grandfather has a purple heart.

I served in Iraq, and I'd like
to pay for the officer's drink.

Aw, be my guest, soldier.

You know, he mentioned wanting
to try the ahi tostada as well.

He'd salute you back,
but his arms are paralyzed

from punching so many Nazis
in the dong.

The colonel frickin' rules.

I don't even find him
that disgusting anymore.

-For someone so ancient, he's
a pretty legit guy. -Mm-hmm.

Oh. Sweet.
And you can keep 'em coming.

He might seem like
a lightweight,

but those Navy men can
really put 'em back.

-Alcohol helps with his PTSD.
-Mm-hmm.

Where is he?

He's right over--

-What the hell?
-Where'd he go?

-Colonel?
-Wha...

Colonel?
Colonel?

We just gotta figure out
where the kid lives,

you know, so we can just
drop him off

and wash our hands
of this whole mess.

-Oh, check his wallet.
-He's seven.

He doesn't carry a wallet.

Well, look in his pockets.

I'm not rooting around in

some little boy's pants,
all right?

Look, he obviously knows more
than he's telling us.

We just gotta dig it out of him.

Yeah, okay.

-I will be bad cop. Yeah.
-No, no cops.

I-I don't, I don't like where
you're headed with that.

Let's not do cop thing.

We'll just talk to him,

have a casual conversation.

(gunfire from video game)

Okay, guys,

we're going to take
a little break from

-the video games for a second.
-Hey, I was playing that.

Dump, listen, I'm gonna ask you
some questions,

and if you answer those
questions, uh...

you get to take
all the video games home.

Those are mine.

You like golf, Dump?
I don't. Never have.

It's too slow.
And I don't like slow things.

Maybe because I've never been
a very patient person.

Do you think you two could
just be quiet for a second

and let me ask the questions?

-It's all yours.
-Yeah, wouldn't that be cool?

-Everyone's cool.
-Does that sound nice?

-We're all gonna be cool. -Okay,
you ready for this one?

Uh, where do you live?

What are you doing?

What? You said he could have
the games if he answered.

Well, I didn't say
smash everything

to pieces if he didn't.

Well, you didn't have to,
it was implied.

No, it wasn't implied.
Stop it.

What is wrong with us?
He's a little kid.

We should be able
to figure this out.

Okay, okay.

Yeah. Maybe we don't feed him.

No.

Okay, maybe we overfeed him.

No torture.
That's what kidnappers do,

and we're not kidnappers.

Well, we kinda are.

I mean, we took him.

We established communication
with the police.

We brought him
to a second location.

All right, well, when you list
it all out like that,

it sure doesn't sound good.

Mickey, what are we going to do?

I don't know!

-Mickey! -I don't know
what we're gonna do

-because you won't let me think
for two seconds! -Mickey, stop!

You know what, I got an idea.
Let's go find a new pay phone.

All right.

Ooh! Wow. This one smells like
someone gave birth.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Maybe we don't push our luck
with the police.

Why can't we leave Dump here?
No body, no crime.

No, that's a murderer thing--
we're kidnappers now.

Now, here's the plan.
We're gonna call the police

and give 'em a drop point--
it's kidnapping lingo--

and then when they're off

on a wild goose chase,

we will safely unload Dump

-on the other side of town.
-Okay.

-Do you think this will work?
-We don't have much of a choice,

do we, Huggy Bear?

OPERATOR:
911 emergency.

Uh, yah, I kidnap-a from
a sanitation center.

I demand speak with most
honorable policeman. Shh.

HURLEY: This is Detective
Hurley. Who am I talking to?

Oh, you talk to yourself,
you don't shut your mouth.

You listen to me.
I have boy you seek.

HURLEY:
Is the child unharmed?

Yes, child fine!

HURLEY: Look, the boy is
hearing-impaired,

-and his parents are
very worried. -Can't hear.

HURLEY: They're prepared to
comply with all of your demands,

they just want him back safely.

Oh, you greedy Americans think
everything about money.

Well, I have no demand.

No, I seek a peaceful
resolution.

-No, wait, wait, wait.
-What?

Isn't a kidnapper
without demands

just a child molester?

Oh, sorry, no, no, no.

I-- I have demand.
Big demand.

I-I ask one million
American dollar.

Uh, Greenwich Park one hour.
Arigato.

Wha... Ah, Mickey,
that was very offensive.

Wh-What are you talking about?
That's what you did.

I picked an accent
and disguised my voice.

An Asian accent?

Oh! Oh, you...

Oh, Alba, who's racist now, huh?

You thought that was Asian? Hmm?

-Mm-hmm.
-You said "arigato."

Y-Yeah, I mean,
for authenticity.

And with the u-utmost respect.

There is no one more ancient
or mystic than the Chinese.

"Arigato" is Japanese.

Okay...
(stammers)

...uh, how do you say "good-bye"
in Chinese? "Chow."

-And that is Italian.
-Okay, I'm sorry, all right?

I-I'm... I don't know, I'm doing
my best here. Okay? I'm sorry.

I'm uneducated
and I'm ignorant.

Excuse me if nobody bothered
to-to teach me stuff.

You kn-- t-this is your fault.

-What? Ooh.
-This is all your fault.

I could have figured this out if
you had just left me alone,

I could have figured it out, but
no, you insist on being equals.

And before I know it,
I-I'm a racist kidnapper

with a child being molested
in the...

Oh, where'd they go?

-Uh, Ben?
-But...

What?

They left a note.

"You can't take
my new best friend.

"We are going to the coolest
place in the world

where you will never find us."

Oh.
(moans)

-Those sons of bitches went back
to the dump. -Ugh.

And what'd he look like?

He's, like, 80 pounds,

three and a half feet tall,
at least a hundred years old.

He's like a human statue
on wheels, dressed like JAG.

Nope, I haven't seen anyone
like that.

Maybe he decided to go home.

He can't decide anything,
his brain's a wasteland.

His mind's working overtime
just to blink.

You know what? Forget it.

This is useless.

(sighs)
I hope he's okay.

Maybe Jimmy was right about us.

Screw Jimmy.
None of this would have happened

it if he hadn't forced us
to hang out

with the Colonel
in the first place.

I mean, we shouldn't have to do
anything we don't want to do.

Duh. This is a free country.

Once again, thanks to him.

He basically fought
for our freedom

to not have to hang out
with him.

Yeah, plus,
we shouldn't be trusted

with this kind of
responsibility.

-We're just kids.
-(scoffs)

(gunshot sounds)

(phone ringing)

(groans)
What?

Where are you?
What's that noise?

Chip, I'm in the middle
of something, what do you want?

All right, we need your help.
We lost the colonel.

How the hell did you do that?

I don't know, he just escaped.

Doesn't he have, like,
a microchip in him

-or something you can track?
-No.

There's not a microchip
in him. He is not a dog.

He's a helpless old man.
He's probably out there

getting mugged or raped

or turned into
some kind of sex doll-- uh...

You there?

ARCADE GAME:
Reload.

You got it.

-Why'd you hang up? -He doesn't
have a chip, but I left my phone

in his chair.
We can track that.

(shouts)

(gasps)

Oh.

Oh...

I hate this place so much.

Are you okay?

Oof.

-Oh, shh, shh.
-(dog growling)

Just... big dog.

-Okay. Ooh...
-(dog growling)

Okay.

Just stay calm.

If we just relax,
he'll leave us alone.

Just go.

What?

(barks)

I will take care of the dog.

-Okay. -(barks) -And if I do
this, we are equals?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Okay, doggie.

Okay, I'm ready for you.

-(barks)
-(screams)

Ben!

(sighs)

Ben!

(whimpers)

Come on, Ben, let's go home.

BEN:
I am home.

Dump and I are gonna
live here forever,

and you can't take him away.

Buddy, his parents
are very worried about him.

But he's my friend.

I'm your friend, too.

No, you're not, you hate trash,

and you said you'd never go

on another field trip
with me again.

All right, I'm sorry.

I see that that
was very selfish, okay?

And I'll make it up to you.

Whatever you want, just name it.

I want you to come on every
field trip with me from now on.

Oh, man,
that's not gonna happen.

Then I'm not coming down.

Okay, how about this?

I will go on one more field trip
with you, okay?

Every field trip
for the next ten years.

What? Have you lost...

All right.

I got a great idea.

'Cause you drive
such a hard bargain.

I will go on
one field trip with you

every other year
for a hundred years.

100 years?

Yep, a cool century.

Deal.

Yes! Come on.

All right, you guys okay?

Oh, dear God.

It's taken care of.

Where the hell are we?

-This place looks like Detroit.
-Shh. Quiet.

You're gonna get us jumped.
It says that he's over there.

SABRINA and CHIP:
Grandpa!

CHIP:
No! They took his Durants!

Oh, my God.

Thank God,
everything's still here.

Except his Durants.

Savages! I told you,
people are going nuts for these.

I'm so sorry, Grandpa.

Dude, I'm not even sure
he felt them on his feet.

Of course he did,
they're Durants.

Then give him yours.
They're the same size.

No frickin' way,
I already 'grammed them.

People are gonna be expecting me
to rock them tomorrow.

Whatever, let's just
bring him home, okay?

-(sniffles) -Uh, well, we had
a great day with you, Grandpa.

-You're the best.
-A genuine American hero.

Now I understand
when they call you guys

the greatest generation.

You're an all-around
chill-ass guy.

Good?

(strains)

Come on, Grandpa.

-I got it.
-(chuckles)

SABRINA:
Great day.

He's over here!

(indistinct police radio
transmission)

OFFICER 2:
Is he okay?

(children laughing)

Ugh!

Get any more on my jeans,
and me and you

are gonna have words,
understand?

Aunt Mickey, what did you think
of the mustard factory?

It was, uh, not my favorite.

Honestly, that school needs
to fully reimagine

its entire field trip program.

Like, what happened
to the classics?

Your zoos,
your botanical gardens?

Your-your old-timey villages?

Well, speak for yourself.
(chuckles)

That place delivered.

Yeah, mustard rules.

I can't wait to go back.

(sighs)

(grunts, shouts)

That's it!

The next person who throws
anything at me

is getting drowned
in a vat of mustard!

CHILDREN:
Yay!

No! No, no...

That's a punishment,
not a reward.

What is the matter
with you maniacs?

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

ALBA:
Shut your mouth, bacon!

Hope you
enjoyed
kickin' it
with The Mick.

Now here are a few more shows
to check out from Fox.

It's time we fly
this old bird.

* It feels good *

MULDER: I want to believe.
I would just like to see.

I can help you.

* It feels good *

-You want to do
the honors, Alan?
-Yeah!

No, you never
touch this.

* You know it feels good *

-(shrieks)
-* It feels good *

* Oh, you know it feels good *

Let's do it.

Everything you thought
you knew about medicine
is wrong.

Unbelievable.

* It feels good *