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[Jeff] You missed a bit.
4
00:02:51,625 --> 00:02:53,416
Christ’s sake fuckin’...
5
00:02:53,458 --> 00:02:54,291
[Jeff] I won a hat.
6
00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:56,083
[Michael] What?
7
00:02:56,125 --> 00:02:57,666
- [Jeff] At the fête. For
the village hall roof.
8
00:02:57,708 --> 00:03:00,166
- Christ and fucking baby
Moses in a basket, Jeffrey!
9
00:03:00,208 --> 00:03:01,750
[Jeff] What?
10
00:03:01,791 --> 00:03:03,791
- [Michael] That's a fucking
awful hat.
11
00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:04,625
Boots!
12
00:03:16,416 --> 00:03:18,875
- [Jeff] I've not found any
infections.
13
00:03:18,916 --> 00:03:21,458
As long as we all just stick
to the rules, it'll be fine.
14
00:03:22,125 --> 00:03:23,375
- [Michael] I don't know how
they think
15
00:03:23,416 --> 00:03:24,333
they'll close the Moor.
16
00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:25,541
[Jeff] Well they have.
17
00:03:25,583 --> 00:03:27,000
[Michael] No, they haven't.
18
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,208
How do you close the fucking
countryside?
19
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,916
[Jeff] Signs, bits of tape.
20
00:03:31,958 --> 00:03:33,041
[Michael] Oh, thank God.
21
00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:34,750
Well, as long as they got bits
of tape.
22
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,000
There, look!
23
00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:38,416
Dotty?
24
00:03:38,458 --> 00:03:39,416
- She's turning circles.
Champion!
25
00:03:39,458 --> 00:03:41,041
Well spotted, Herriot!
26
00:03:52,875 --> 00:03:54,375
- [Jeff] She's gonna pop any
minute.
27
00:03:54,416 --> 00:03:55,833
Hey, you're glad I'm here now.
28
00:03:55,875 --> 00:03:57,875
- [Michael] Need you like
a hole in the hernia.
29
00:03:57,916 --> 00:03:59,500
Shut up.
30
00:03:59,541 --> 00:04:01,416
I'll give you a hand then
we can wet the baby's head.
31
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:03,083
Give me a hand?
32
00:04:03,125 --> 00:04:04,458
Jeffrey, how many cattle do you
think
33
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:06,250
I've calved in my time?
34
00:04:06,291 --> 00:04:07,875
How many?
35
00:04:07,916 --> 00:04:10,166
- Well, I don't fucking know, do
we? Loads!
36
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,250
Go home.
37
00:04:11,291 --> 00:04:12,791
[Jeff] Hang on.
38
00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:13,750
Got you a present!
39
00:04:38,708 --> 00:04:41,833
- [Jeff] That calf is desperate
to be born. Come on, Dotty.
40
00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:43,875
Right? My turn.
41
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:49,625
Capital of Norway.
42
00:04:49,666 --> 00:04:50,458
Helsinki.
43
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:53,500
Who sang...
44
00:04:53,541 --> 00:04:55,041
- You can still make
the pub quiz, you know.
45
00:04:55,083 --> 00:04:57,333
No, I'm keeping you company.
46
00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:59,041
Aren't you just.
47
00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:00,833
who sang...
48
00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:02,875
- It's like being trapped
with Michael fucking Aspells.
49
00:05:02,916 --> 00:05:04,958
A Whiter Sade of Pale?
50
00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:08,250
Come on.
51
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,291
Everyone knows this one.
52
00:05:12,250 --> 00:05:13,250
Abba.
53
00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:14,875
Abba?
54
00:05:14,916 --> 00:05:16,708
- I'm gonna put your
head through that wall
55
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,250
if you're not careful.
56
00:05:18,291 --> 00:05:19,875
[Jeff] Abba! (laughing)
57
00:05:19,916 --> 00:05:21,500
Chuck you in the slurry pit.
58
00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:22,541
[Jeff] Abba.
59
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:23,875
- No one will miss you, you
know.
60
00:05:23,916 --> 00:05:25,583
Doesn't sound a bit like Abba.
61
00:05:29,708 --> 00:05:30,958
[Michael] Oh, she's grand.
62
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:33,041
[Jeff] Yep.
63
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:02,375
- [Jeff] What is known-?
64
00:06:02,416 --> 00:06:04,125
[Michael] Oh fuck off.
65
00:06:04,166 --> 00:06:07,875
- What is known as "The Old
Lady of Thread Needle Suite?"
66
00:06:10,166 --> 00:06:11,750
You?
67
00:06:29,291 --> 00:06:31,625
- [Jeff] Which author wrote-
68
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:35,041
Hey!
69
00:07:05,541 --> 00:07:08,000
- Here's a question. Why you
here?
70
00:07:08,041 --> 00:07:09,750
- You're a miserable sod, you
know that?
71
00:07:09,791 --> 00:07:11,500
Yeah.
72
00:07:11,541 --> 00:07:12,125
Come on then.
73
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:14,916
What?
74
00:07:14,958 --> 00:07:17,250
- You got a proper tasty bit
waiting for you back home,
75
00:07:17,291 --> 00:07:19,291
probably cooking you a slap up
dinner,
76
00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,000
and yet you been sat here,
best part of two hours,
77
00:07:22,041 --> 00:07:23,541
boring the arse off me.
78
00:07:23,583 --> 00:07:25,583
I haven't.
79
00:07:25,625 --> 00:07:27,791
- We had half an hour of who
said what at the village fete,
80
00:07:27,833 --> 00:07:31,333
another half an hour on Mrs
Kelly's rabbit's intestines-
81
00:07:31,375 --> 00:07:32,500
That was actually fascinating.
82
00:07:32,541 --> 00:07:34,333
- [Michael] Holly's grade three
cello,
83
00:07:34,375 --> 00:07:37,375
what worktops Helen wants
for your new kitchen,
84
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,125
I'm surprised you got breath in
you.
85
00:07:42,375 --> 00:07:44,000
You better not be fucking
billing me.
86
00:07:44,041 --> 00:07:44,875
No!
87
00:07:45,875 --> 00:07:47,541
Tell you, I had your missus
88
00:07:47,583 --> 00:07:51,041
I'd be home like fucking shot,
ay?
89
00:07:53,125 --> 00:07:55,250
What have you done, Herriot?
90
00:08:14,583 --> 00:08:15,750
Got a name yet?
91
00:08:18,041 --> 00:08:18,875
Arabella?
92
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,458
No?
93
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,916
Gladys?
94
00:08:22,958 --> 00:08:25,000
- Who'd call a fucking cow
Gladys?
95
00:08:25,041 --> 00:08:25,750
I would.
96
00:08:25,791 --> 00:08:26,583
You would.
97
00:08:27,416 --> 00:08:29,083
Victoria.
98
00:08:29,125 --> 00:08:30,625
Oh, Victoria.
99
00:08:30,666 --> 00:08:33,125
- These is the last of Sheila
names, see?
100
00:08:33,166 --> 00:08:37,875
So we got Elizabeth and
Anne, Diana, Margaret, Zara,
101
00:08:39,375 --> 00:08:42,250
Beatrice, Mary.
102
00:08:42,291 --> 00:08:44,416
We lost Camilla to the bloat in
February.
103
00:08:45,875 --> 00:08:46,625
Who's missing?
104
00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:50,250
Ah- Eugenie's with her
newborn in the south shed.
105
00:08:51,791 --> 00:08:53,916
I'm running out of Royals.
106
00:08:53,958 --> 00:08:55,083
Fergie.
107
00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:58,166
Hey, what about Jeffrey?
108
00:08:58,208 --> 00:09:01,416
- Jesus, you can't call a cow
Jeffrey.
109
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,625
They shouldn't let bloody
humans be called Jeffrey.
110
00:09:05,125 --> 00:09:06,708
Did I ever tell you bout the
time we let
111
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:08,791
Trev name the newborns?
112
00:09:08,833 --> 00:09:11,625
He must have been about eight or
nine.
113
00:09:11,666 --> 00:09:15,000
Sheila's idea o'course, bloody
disaster.
114
00:09:15,041 --> 00:09:17,833
Tell you, I get out one
morning and the little buggers
115
00:09:17,875 --> 00:09:19,833
found an hole in the hedge.
116
00:09:19,875 --> 00:09:22,625
So there I was, out down
them fields in nothin'
117
00:09:22,666 --> 00:09:24,625
but boots and jarmers calling
118
00:09:24,666 --> 00:09:27,291
"Ay Sheila! I found Bagpuss,
119
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,458
but there's no sign of Professor
Yaffle".
120
00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:33,625
Well of course Sam Ellacott
across the way hears,
121
00:09:33,666 --> 00:09:36,833
so as I walks in to Tavvi market
next week,
122
00:09:36,875 --> 00:09:38,250
they're all there-
123
00:09:38,291 --> 00:09:40,041
- [Both] Singing the bloody
theme tune.
124
00:09:46,708 --> 00:09:47,708
How is Trev?
125
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,875
I hear he did all the
arrangements of the service,
126
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,708
sorted all the flowers
and food and whatnot.
127
00:09:59,208 --> 00:10:00,083
Up his street, innit?
128
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,083
Here's one for you.
129
00:10:33,708 --> 00:10:34,791
Nightingale?
130
00:10:34,833 --> 00:10:35,708
Bloody useless.
131
00:10:35,750 --> 00:10:37,125
[Jeff] All right.
132
00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:39,666
- It's like trying to
teach a dog to drive.
133
00:10:39,708 --> 00:10:41,000
Try again.
134
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,000
Great tit?
135
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:44,500
Only one tit round here.
136
00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:45,416
Nightjar.
137
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,041
It's strange.
138
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,916
- [Michael] You hardly ever
see 'em, only hear them.
139
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:55,125
They fly silent.
140
00:10:56,041 --> 00:10:58,125
Bad luck is nightjars.
141
00:10:58,166 --> 00:10:59,375
It's a bird of death.
142
00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:01,375
Whoooooooo!
143
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,916
- Ellacott's full a shit, isn't
he?
144
00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,375
Reckons it's coming down this
way.
145
00:11:12,708 --> 00:11:14,916
That's not why you're here is
it?
146
00:11:14,958 --> 00:11:17,291
No, it's no where near here.
147
00:11:17,333 --> 00:11:18,458
- [Michael] Mike Leach at
Hexworthy
148
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,541
just lost his entire herd.
149
00:11:20,583 --> 00:11:23,291
Everything he had is
being piled up and burnt.
150
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:25,291
- They're just being- that's
precautions.
151
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:27,083
You're gonna be fine.
152
00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:29,458
- [Michael] Yeah, course I
fucking will.
153
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,333
Nothing wrong with my cows.
154
00:11:31,375 --> 00:11:33,250
[Jeff] I know.
155
00:11:33,291 --> 00:11:34,750
- You think something's up with
Dotty?
156
00:11:34,791 --> 00:11:37,458
- [Jeff] Jesus Christ Michael.
You'd know if there was.
157
00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:39,125
[Michael] Why you here, then.
158
00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:40,333
You kicking me out?
159
00:11:40,375 --> 00:11:41,458
Yes.
160
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:42,333
Fine.
161
00:11:44,583 --> 00:11:46,625
- What the bloody
hell's going on, Jeffrey?
162
00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:48,250
This is getting really boring.
163
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:49,625
- Well, just tell me
why you're here, then.
164
00:11:49,666 --> 00:11:52,125
- [Jeff] The scintillating
conversation.
165
00:11:52,166 --> 00:11:54,625
Look, be serious Jeffrey.
166
00:11:54,666 --> 00:11:55,375
Something's up.
167
00:11:58,125 --> 00:11:59,250
Come on then, spit it out.
168
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:04,875
I don't know.
169
00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:09,000
I just can't seem to put a foot
right.
170
00:12:13,458 --> 00:12:16,375
Been sleeping on a camp bed
in the study for three weeks.
171
00:12:16,416 --> 00:12:19,583
Then every morning I tidy it
away so Holly doesn't see.
172
00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:22,541
It's constant eggshells all the
time.
173
00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:24,791
- You don't know you're
born, you got it made bey.
174
00:12:24,833 --> 00:12:26,375
Oh, have I?
175
00:12:26,416 --> 00:12:28,916
- [Michael] Lovely house,
beautiful little girl.
176
00:12:28,958 --> 00:12:30,291
I tell you, I had your missus-
177
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,291
Take her. You can have her.
178
00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:40,041
Oh. Shit. Shit. Sorry.
179
00:12:40,083 --> 00:12:41,708
Shit. I didn't mean-
180
00:12:43,875 --> 00:12:46,375
How um, how is it?
181
00:12:49,583 --> 00:12:52,125
- It's the little things, that's
a bugger.
182
00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:55,125
You just catch yourself.
183
00:12:55,166 --> 00:12:57,166
Some mornings I come
down and before I know it
184
00:12:57,208 --> 00:12:58,708
I made two cups of tea.
185
00:13:00,791 --> 00:13:02,375
It’s funny, was about this time
of year.
186
00:13:03,958 --> 00:13:08,958
Came back one day, there's a
letter, you know, test results,
187
00:13:09,583 --> 00:13:12,000
just sitting there propped
up against a pot of daffs.
188
00:13:14,541 --> 00:13:16,333
She didn't see out the year.
189
00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:20,166
No fucking age is it, 58?
190
00:13:21,708 --> 00:13:22,458
No.
191
00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:24,708
It's very cruel.
192
00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:30,458
Remember that year?
193
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:31,916
Who was it went breech?
194
00:13:31,958 --> 00:13:32,666
[Michael] Jojo.
195
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,291
Jojo.
196
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:36,333
And we were out here for hours.
197
00:13:36,375 --> 00:13:38,291
Pissing bloody icicles!
198
00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:39,291
Freezing cold.
199
00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:43,916
And when we finally got back
in the kitchen there she was.
200
00:13:43,958 --> 00:13:46,041
The magnificent Sheila,
201
00:13:46,083 --> 00:13:47,958
four in the morning cooking us a
fry-up.
202
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,416
Yeah.
203
00:13:49,458 --> 00:13:50,750
- [Jeff] I could have kissed
her.
204
00:13:50,791 --> 00:13:51,750
You did kiss her.
205
00:13:51,791 --> 00:13:53,083
Oh yeah.
206
00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:54,500
- Remind me to knock
your block off for that.
207
00:13:54,541 --> 00:13:56,583
(laughing)
208
00:13:56,625 --> 00:13:58,166
Great big heart she had.
209
00:13:58,208 --> 00:13:59,666
And arse to match.
210
00:14:02,291 --> 00:14:03,750
- I should have come to the
funeral.
211
00:14:03,791 --> 00:14:04,916
- [Michael] Don't want to hear
this again.
212
00:14:04,958 --> 00:14:05,833
No, no. But I should.
213
00:14:07,541 --> 00:14:09,208
I should have come back from
Surrey.
214
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:10,958
It's just, Helen and her mother
wanted-
215
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,375
- [Michael] You gotta do for
your family. That's how it is.
216
00:14:18,666 --> 00:14:19,833
It's got to burst.
217
00:14:22,291 --> 00:14:24,041
Whenever this is,
218
00:14:24,083 --> 00:14:26,666
this rain cloud hanging over us.
219
00:14:28,625 --> 00:14:31,250
Oh Christ I've gone all serious.
220
00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:33,041
Which case it probably is time
to leave.
221
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,750
You can take it from here
anyway. She'll be fine now.
222
00:14:41,458 --> 00:14:42,833
You know your trouble bey?
223
00:14:45,708 --> 00:14:49,000
"Eat before cider. Or the cider
eats you."
224
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,000
A very fine point.
225
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:57,416
Jeffrey!
226
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:01,250
You'd be in charge anyway,
wouldn't you?
227
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,458
If it comes down here.
228
00:15:03,291 --> 00:15:05,416
So you make sure it's all right.
229
00:15:05,458 --> 00:15:06,791
[Jeff] You're gonna be fine.
230
00:15:06,833 --> 00:15:09,166
- You know you're bloody
irritating as hell.
231
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:10,750
I'm going, I'm going!
232
00:15:10,791 --> 00:15:12,125
No, shut up a minute.
233
00:15:18,458 --> 00:15:21,250
You're the only one I trust with
my girls.
234
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:22,958
Nothing's gonna happen.
235
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:23,833
Swear it.
236
00:15:33,291 --> 00:15:34,791
- [Radio] Although it has
been less than a month
237
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:38,208
since the discovery of
foot and mouth in Essex,
238
00:15:38,250 --> 00:15:41,250
the Ministry of Agriculture
admitted today that this
239
00:15:41,291 --> 00:15:43,833
was an epidemic on a
potentially huge scale.
240
00:15:45,250 --> 00:15:48,083
The government's chief
scientist and chief vet told
241
00:15:48,125 --> 00:15:50,416
reporters it was much worse
than the last outbreak
242
00:15:50,458 --> 00:15:52,875
in Britain in 1967.
243
00:15:52,916 --> 00:15:54,416
In order to stop the rapid
spread
244
00:15:54,458 --> 00:15:56,500
of the disease across the
country,
245
00:15:56,541 --> 00:15:58,708
the government has decided
to extend the policy
246
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,916
of contiguous cull and
that all animals within
247
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:03,541
a three kilometer radius
of an infected farm
248
00:16:03,583 --> 00:16:06,833
are to be slaughtered
and then burned on site.
249
00:16:06,875 --> 00:16:09,041
The nationwide ban on
all livestock movement
250
00:16:09,083 --> 00:16:10,000
is to remain in place.
251
00:16:25,125 --> 00:16:26,583
[Jeff] Oh fuck.
252
00:16:54,666 --> 00:16:56,458
[Michael] Herriot!
253
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:57,291
Herriot!
254
00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:03,583
- Give me a minute. I
just need to talk to him.
255
00:17:03,625 --> 00:17:05,125
Just him!
256
00:17:05,166 --> 00:17:08,916
You lot don't step one
fucking toe on my property!
257
00:17:25,083 --> 00:17:27,291
Michael. Can you not please?
258
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:36,416
Is that thing loaded?
259
00:17:36,458 --> 00:17:37,583
Get in, you fanny.
260
00:17:48,083 --> 00:17:51,750
'Scuse the mess, butler's
on holiday and all that!
261
00:17:52,833 --> 00:17:54,708
There's one over there
look, by them papers.
262
00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:56,125
What?
263
00:17:56,166 --> 00:17:58,041
- [Michael] Mug, probably
need a rinse mind.
264
00:17:58,083 --> 00:18:00,500
Got milk, sugar, the works.
265
00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:02,875
Soon as I get this bugger lit.
266
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,083
I don't want any tea.
267
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,250
- Even got me little saucepan
look.
268
00:18:06,291 --> 00:18:08,875
Egg? I'll do you an egg?
269
00:18:08,916 --> 00:18:09,958
No, thank you.
270
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,333
- [Michael] But you love a dippy
egg!
271
00:18:12,875 --> 00:18:15,750
Tell you what, while I do me
Gordon blur, where is he, ah...
272
00:18:18,458 --> 00:18:20,416
Be a good boy. Roll this fag.
273
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:22,875
Michael, what are you doing.
274
00:18:22,916 --> 00:18:24,541
[Michael] Roll us a fag!
275
00:18:24,583 --> 00:18:27,666
- You can't go round threatening
people with a shotgun!
276
00:18:27,708 --> 00:18:30,500
Well it's just a threat innit?
277
00:18:30,541 --> 00:18:33,250
Come on Herriot. You don't
half look a tit you know.
278
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,583
Take that stupid jonny
off and roll us a fag.
279
00:18:36,625 --> 00:18:37,583
I'm gaspin'.
280
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,416
"Go to work on an egg".
281
00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:51,166
That's what they say,
do you remember that one?
282
00:18:51,208 --> 00:18:54,333
"Go to work on an egg". Clever
that.
283
00:18:55,958 --> 00:18:58,291
Thinking of getting chickens
again.
284
00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:00,166
Used to have 'em
285
00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:02,375
but it's a bugger keeping the
foxes from getting 'em.
286
00:19:02,416 --> 00:19:03,958
Get out in the morning,
287
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,541
find fucking chicken confetti
everywhere.
288
00:19:06,833 --> 00:19:08,875
Still, nice having chickens
innit though,
289
00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:11,166
clucking about the place.
290
00:19:11,208 --> 00:19:14,375
Make it seem a bit more
Darling Buds of fucking May.
291
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:19,958
[Jeff] Here.
292
00:19:20,583 --> 00:19:21,416
Oh, ta!
293
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:26,791
Are you okay?
294
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,916
- Oh yeah. Tip top me, top of
the pops, now I got you here.
295
00:19:31,208 --> 00:19:32,125
It's almost nine.
296
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:37,625
They're supposed to,
well at nine they start.
297
00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,000
For fuck's sake.
298
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:45,333
[Jeff] Here.
299
00:19:50,958 --> 00:19:52,750
[Michael] Cheers mate.
300
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:54,958
We should get that pan on.
301
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,541
Was going to do your dippy egg,
weren't I?
302
00:19:57,583 --> 00:19:59,166
Or a coffee.
303
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:01,791
- Why in fuck would I have
fucking coffee out here?
304
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,666
This look like the fucking Ritz
hotel?
305
00:20:03,708 --> 00:20:05,666
- Well I don't know what you
got stashed in your cool box!
306
00:20:05,708 --> 00:20:07,166
- You're in a bloody cattle
shed, mate.
307
00:20:07,208 --> 00:20:09,458
- [Jeff] You were gonna make
tea.
308
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,541
- Yeah, tea. Tea's normal,
innit?
309
00:20:11,583 --> 00:20:13,333
Oh, excuse me,
310
00:20:13,375 --> 00:20:14,958
one minute you're Gordon
blur doing me a dippy egg-
311
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,000
Do you want a dippy egg?
312
00:20:16,041 --> 00:20:17,041
Not really.
313
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:18,208
- [Michael] Do you want a cup of
tea?
314
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:19,000
No.
315
00:20:19,041 --> 00:20:20,208
Well off you fuck then!
316
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,000
Hi.
317
00:20:28,041 --> 00:20:30,166
- That your little friends, is
it?
318
00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:32,666
- We're just talking. Hang
on, I'll be out in a minute.
319
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:36,541
- Um. You stay here and make the
tea.
320
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:38,000
I'll go and talk to them.
321
00:20:38,041 --> 00:20:39,500
Right?
322
00:20:39,541 --> 00:20:40,291
I'm coming now.
323
00:21:21,083 --> 00:21:22,625
[Jeff] It's just me.
324
00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:24,291
[Michael] They going?
325
00:21:24,333 --> 00:21:25,833
- [Jeff] They want to call the
police.
326
00:21:25,875 --> 00:21:27,291
I'm gonna have to let them in.
327
00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:29,083
- No wait-
328
00:21:29,125 --> 00:21:30,458
- [Jeff] It's nearly
nine o'clock, Michael.
329
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:32,833
You got your doodah, mobile?
330
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,291
Got the number here somewhere.
331
00:21:35,333 --> 00:21:36,000
For MAFF?
332
00:21:36,958 --> 00:21:38,500
What have they told you?
333
00:21:38,541 --> 00:21:40,041
Just keep banging on if I
don't let the arseholes in
334
00:21:40,083 --> 00:21:42,916
I won't get no compensation.
335
00:21:42,958 --> 00:21:44,500
But it's not about the
fucking money is it?
336
00:21:44,541 --> 00:21:46,875
It's like talking to a brick
wall.
337
00:21:46,916 --> 00:21:48,125
[Jeff] I've heard the money.
338
00:21:48,166 --> 00:21:50,291
Well, it's kind of a respectable
offer.
339
00:21:50,333 --> 00:21:52,000
Nah. Got you here now han't I?
340
00:21:52,041 --> 00:21:54,166
You can talk some bloody sense
into 'em.
341
00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:55,708
[Jeff] I don't what I can say.
342
00:21:56,625 --> 00:21:57,375
Jesus Christ-!
343
00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:01,625
- Just tell them you done the
tests,
344
00:22:01,666 --> 00:22:02,916
they'll listen to you won't
they?
345
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:06,458
- I don't think you'll
get anywhere with MAFF.
346
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:10,625
This is national policy.
It's coming from MAFF.
347
00:22:10,666 --> 00:22:12,208
- But it...this, what's
happening's
348
00:22:12,250 --> 00:22:14,625
all on account a Ellacott's
herd,
349
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:16,750
just cos we share the hedge by
the stream.
350
00:22:16,791 --> 00:22:19,083
But there's no cows in that
field.
351
00:22:19,125 --> 00:22:22,333
Hasn't been for months.
That can't be right can it?
352
00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:23,916
- No, but-
353
00:22:23,958 --> 00:22:26,250
- So we'll tell em. You
tell 'em you know me Jeffrey
354
00:22:26,291 --> 00:22:29,875
and I've had them disinfectant
baths out for weeks.
355
00:22:29,916 --> 00:22:32,125
And the mats, washed the gates.
356
00:22:32,166 --> 00:22:34,666
You could eat your dinner
off them fence posts,
357
00:22:34,708 --> 00:22:38,208
amount of time I scrubbed
'em! They're not ill.
358
00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:39,166
No.
359
00:22:39,208 --> 00:22:40,666
[Michael] So we'll tell them.
360
00:22:40,708 --> 00:22:42,000
- I don't think it's gonna make-
361
00:22:50,083 --> 00:22:53,541
- You're playing silly
buggers now, are ya?
362
00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:14,666
- [On Phone] Ministry of
Agriculture, Fisheries and Food.
363
00:23:14,708 --> 00:23:16,375
How can I help?
364
00:23:16,416 --> 00:23:17,250
Hello?
365
00:23:18,458 --> 00:23:19,250
Hello?
366
00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:40,916
- You happy? Are you?
Pleased with yourselves?!
367
00:23:42,750 --> 00:23:44,166
[Jeff] What's going on?
368
00:23:44,208 --> 00:23:45,750
- [Michael] Look at the state of
him.
369
00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:48,458
All this fucking soot and ash.
370
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:51,291
Poor little buggers don't stand
a chance.
371
00:23:51,333 --> 00:23:52,666
Not that they care.
372
00:23:52,708 --> 00:23:53,875
They won't be happy until
373
00:23:53,916 --> 00:23:55,791
the whole fucking country's on
fire!
374
00:23:55,833 --> 00:23:58,208
- He's not dead. No. Still
breathing.
375
00:23:58,250 --> 00:23:59,750
Is he?
376
00:23:59,791 --> 00:24:01,000
Hmm? Just dazed I think.
377
00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:02,416
Poor little thing.
378
00:24:07,041 --> 00:24:09,208
Let's put him over here look,
379
00:24:09,250 --> 00:24:10,958
and he can see some sun when he
wakes up.
380
00:24:17,375 --> 00:24:19,416
[Jeff] Dapper little chap.
381
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:20,666
What sort is he?
382
00:24:20,708 --> 00:24:21,958
[Michael] What sort?
383
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:22,750
The bird.
384
00:24:23,958 --> 00:24:25,166
- For the cleverest bloke I
know,
385
00:24:25,208 --> 00:24:26,833
you don't half know fuck all.
386
00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:28,916
Quail.
387
00:24:30,291 --> 00:24:31,750
Quail.
388
00:24:31,791 --> 00:24:36,791
- [Michael] Come on then.
There you go. There you go.
389
00:24:37,625 --> 00:24:38,833
Come on. Come on.
390
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:44,125
The state of all this.
391
00:24:44,166 --> 00:24:48,041
Old Sheils'd go batty she
seen what it done to her nets.
392
00:24:48,083 --> 00:24:49,583
- Yeah, it's been driving Helen
mad.
393
00:24:51,166 --> 00:24:54,583
Holly came in covered,
it was all over her bike.
394
00:24:54,625 --> 00:24:56,333
All this from Ellacott's?
395
00:24:56,375 --> 00:24:57,125
Yep.
396
00:24:58,625 --> 00:25:01,125
That was you, was that?
397
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:01,875
Yes.
398
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,250
Where's the phone to?
399
00:25:08,750 --> 00:25:10,750
Must have got cut off.
400
00:25:12,833 --> 00:25:14,583
Where's that number?
401
00:25:14,625 --> 00:25:15,958
Michael?
402
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,500
I'm going to have to let them
in.
403
00:25:17,541 --> 00:25:18,916
You what?
404
00:25:18,958 --> 00:25:20,500
- I, I've been trying to tell
you.
405
00:25:20,541 --> 00:25:23,416
- Don't be daft, we're gonna
get all this sorted look.
406
00:25:23,458 --> 00:25:25,333
- [Jeff] This is national
policy.
407
00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:27,416
- But you know the right things
to say.
408
00:25:27,458 --> 00:25:29,041
It doesn't work like that.
409
00:25:29,083 --> 00:25:31,791
- Oh, come on bey this
don't make no sense.
410
00:25:31,833 --> 00:25:34,625
You tested all my girls
yourself. Right?
411
00:25:34,666 --> 00:25:37,416
And all those tests come
back negative, right?
412
00:25:37,458 --> 00:25:38,750
- Yes. But-
413
00:25:38,791 --> 00:25:40,416
- [Michael] Then why have I got
this?
414
00:25:40,458 --> 00:25:42,375
This fucking shitty little bit
of paper,
415
00:25:42,416 --> 00:25:44,416
telling me that every living
thing within three miles
416
00:25:44,458 --> 00:25:46,375
is gonna be slaughtered? You
tell me that.
417
00:25:47,958 --> 00:25:49,000
- The order's from the top-
418
00:25:49,041 --> 00:25:51,333
Order's from the top?
419
00:25:51,375 --> 00:25:54,041
They can't just waltz here
and do what they like.
420
00:25:54,083 --> 00:25:56,125
- Yes they can. That's
exactly what they can do.
421
00:25:56,166 --> 00:25:57,583
But this is my farm.
422
00:25:59,291 --> 00:26:00,916
I'm sorry.
423
00:26:00,958 --> 00:26:04,666
- But there's nothing wrong
with any one of my girls.
424
00:26:04,708 --> 00:26:05,750
Is it?
425
00:26:05,791 --> 00:26:06,791
Is there?
426
00:26:06,833 --> 00:26:07,833
Doesn't matter.
427
00:26:07,875 --> 00:26:09,250
The government have decided.
428
00:26:09,291 --> 00:26:11,083
Oh have they?!
429
00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:13,791
Well trot along like a good
little boy taking orders!
430
00:26:13,833 --> 00:26:15,875
I haven't got a choice!
431
00:26:15,916 --> 00:26:16,708
Bollocks have you!
432
00:26:19,791 --> 00:26:24,041
Come on bey. You and
me, we hold our ground
433
00:26:24,083 --> 00:26:26,625
and we'll fucking Butch and
Sundance the lot of them!
434
00:26:26,666 --> 00:26:27,500
Yeah?!
435
00:26:29,583 --> 00:26:31,125
No.
436
00:26:31,166 --> 00:26:32,375
[Michael] No? Fucking no?
437
00:26:33,791 --> 00:26:35,625
It's out of my hands, Michael.
438
00:26:35,666 --> 00:26:36,750
[Michael] Out of your hands?!
439
00:26:36,791 --> 00:26:39,500
It ain't right! It ain't right!
440
00:26:40,833 --> 00:26:43,750
- Michael! I've never
seen anything like it!
441
00:26:43,791 --> 00:26:47,125
It it, it's like a war!
442
00:26:47,166 --> 00:26:48,833
It's just bleeding across the
countryside
443
00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:50,625
and they can't contain it.
444
00:26:50,666 --> 00:26:53,791
- Well it's not here! There's
nothing wrong with my girls!
445
00:26:53,833 --> 00:26:55,083
You said so yourself!
446
00:26:55,125 --> 00:26:56,083
Doesn't matter!
447
00:26:57,208 --> 00:26:58,458
It's chaos!
448
00:26:59,541 --> 00:27:01,625
Last week, the slaughter
team in Moretonhampstead
449
00:27:01,666 --> 00:27:03,416
spooked the herd so badly they
started
450
00:27:03,458 --> 00:27:05,291
trying to jump the hedges!
451
00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:07,500
Two calves drowned in the river.
452
00:27:07,541 --> 00:27:09,958
And, and they just went
ahead and built a pyre.
453
00:27:11,083 --> 00:27:12,416
And, and, and you could hear
them.
454
00:27:12,458 --> 00:27:14,166
Not all those cows were dead.
455
00:27:14,208 --> 00:27:17,875
They, they, they hadn't stunned
them properly or God knows.
456
00:27:20,625 --> 00:27:22,208
I- I won't let that happen to
you.
457
00:27:25,291 --> 00:27:27,708
Please Michael, let me do it
properly.
458
00:27:32,291 --> 00:27:34,500
If I don't do it, they'll
just hire in someone else.
459
00:27:40,250 --> 00:27:42,666
- Works picked up for you,
something chronic, innit?
460
00:27:44,041 --> 00:27:45,416
How can you think that?
461
00:27:45,458 --> 00:27:46,458
[Michael] Pays well, does it?
462
00:27:46,500 --> 00:27:49,125
Yeah, plenty of work for you
now.
463
00:27:50,458 --> 00:27:52,333
Well that's all it is.
464
00:27:52,375 --> 00:27:53,791
Whatever they're paying
you, I'll double it.
465
00:27:53,833 --> 00:27:54,875
Alright?
466
00:27:54,916 --> 00:27:56,708
Oh shut up Michael.
467
00:27:56,750 --> 00:27:58,250
You've no idea what you're
talking about.
468
00:27:58,291 --> 00:27:59,125
Don't I?
469
00:28:00,625 --> 00:28:01,666
No, you don't.
470
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:03,666
Jeffrey!
471
00:28:04,833 --> 00:28:06,416
Jeffrey!
472
00:28:06,458 --> 00:28:08,333
Yeah. You come back here!
473
00:28:09,625 --> 00:28:12,458
I don't believe you! You
haven't got it in you!
474
00:28:12,500 --> 00:28:15,625
You look me in the eye and tell
me what
475
00:28:15,666 --> 00:28:17,125
you're going to do my girls.
476
00:28:17,166 --> 00:28:19,708
Come on Doctor Crawford.
477
00:28:19,750 --> 00:28:21,500
You're going to go into the
south shed,
478
00:28:21,541 --> 00:28:23,291
you're going to take the
newborn off of Dotty.
479
00:28:23,333 --> 00:28:25,083
Take little Victoria outside,
480
00:28:25,125 --> 00:28:27,416
her legs are still a bit
unstable
481
00:28:27,458 --> 00:28:28,875
and she'll be scared an' all,
482
00:28:28,916 --> 00:28:31,708
so you might have to
carry her. And then what?
483
00:28:31,750 --> 00:28:33,875
- She'll be stunned with a bolt
gun.
484
00:28:33,916 --> 00:28:36,333
Ah, that it? Come on Jeffrey.
485
00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:41,500
- I'll shoot her with a bolt gun
here.
486
00:28:42,750 --> 00:28:45,916
Make sure that the bolt
penetrates her frontal cortex.
487
00:28:45,958 --> 00:28:47,916
And then I'll push a
plastic rod into the hole
488
00:28:47,958 --> 00:28:50,625
into her brain and down
into her spinal cord
489
00:28:50,666 --> 00:28:52,208
to make sure that she's dead.
490
00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:55,041
- And then you'll sling
her on a pyre and burn her.
491
00:28:55,083 --> 00:28:56,541
- Do you think I want to do
this?
492
00:28:56,583 --> 00:28:59,500
- You swore to me, Jeffrey. You
swore.
493
00:29:03,291 --> 00:29:06,916
Oi! You get off my farm or
I'll blow your bloody head off!
494
00:29:06,958 --> 00:29:08,750
Calm down!
495
00:29:08,791 --> 00:29:11,000
It's all right. It's under
control.
496
00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:12,708
Let me help you.
497
00:29:12,750 --> 00:29:14,125
Help? You won't do nothing.
498
00:29:14,166 --> 00:29:15,541
There's nothing I can do!
499
00:29:15,583 --> 00:29:17,416
Spineless, gutless.
500
00:29:17,458 --> 00:29:19,083
You're a worm of a man. You know
that?
501
00:29:19,125 --> 00:29:21,083
A fucking waste of space.
502
00:29:21,125 --> 00:29:23,083
Waste of time I had bothering
with you.
503
00:29:23,125 --> 00:29:24,250
Come on. Put it down.
504
00:29:24,291 --> 00:29:25,416
Why?
505
00:29:25,458 --> 00:29:26,916
Why shouldn't I blow your head
off?
506
00:29:26,958 --> 00:29:29,708
Do everyone a bloody favor.
507
00:29:29,750 --> 00:29:31,166
- [Slaughter Team] Right! That's
it.
508
00:29:31,208 --> 00:29:32,541
We're calling the police.
509
00:29:32,583 --> 00:29:33,958
Wait! Stop!
510
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:35,750
There's no need.
511
00:29:35,791 --> 00:29:36,541
It's not loaded.
512
00:29:43,500 --> 00:29:44,333
Please Jeffrey.
513
00:29:46,250 --> 00:29:47,958
Nothing's making any sense.
514
00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:53,333
I'm so sorry.
515
00:29:55,541 --> 00:29:57,458
- Please don't let them take my
girls.
516
00:29:58,416 --> 00:29:59,250
Michael.
517
00:30:00,333 --> 00:30:01,250
No! Wait!
518
00:30:02,750 --> 00:30:04,708
Just wait!
519
00:30:05,416 --> 00:30:07,541
Hang on! Just wait a minute!
520
00:30:15,791 --> 00:30:20,125
Breed and Female Champion,
Devon County Show.
521
00:30:20,166 --> 00:30:21,708
That one's Dotty.
522
00:30:21,750 --> 00:30:26,541
First, First, Best in Show
523
00:30:26,583 --> 00:30:29,916
Want you to show 'em these.
524
00:30:29,958 --> 00:30:33,958
Best Heifer in Milk 1956, that
was my Dad's Lillibett, look.
525
00:30:35,750 --> 00:30:40,500
Champion Dairy Pair 1992,
that was Amy and Jojo.
526
00:30:42,958 --> 00:30:45,583
92's when your Holly fell
in love with that bay foal
527
00:30:45,625 --> 00:30:47,708
and begged and begged us
till we brought it back
528
00:30:47,750 --> 00:30:51,125
from the show, what was it
called?
529
00:30:51,166 --> 00:30:52,166
Chamomile.
530
00:30:52,208 --> 00:30:54,625
Chamomile. That's it.
531
00:30:54,666 --> 00:30:57,958
And Sheila made that horrible
angel thing out of butter.
532
00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:00,708
Half melted by the time we got
there.
533
00:31:00,750 --> 00:31:02,958
You remember that Jeffrey?
534
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:03,791
I remember.
535
00:31:05,041 --> 00:31:08,416
- They're my girls. That's all I
got.
536
00:31:11,250 --> 00:31:12,083
Michael!
537
00:31:37,833 --> 00:31:40,458
No!
538
00:37:16,458 --> 00:37:18,833
[Michael] Hello? Hello!?
539
00:37:21,291 --> 00:37:25,375
I got my shotgun, so don't
go playing silly buggers, ay?
540
00:37:33,666 --> 00:37:37,041
Just ghosts is it? Well
that's about right.
541
00:37:42,208 --> 00:37:44,375
Oi! I'm warning you!
542
00:37:56,708 --> 00:37:57,666
Fuck's sake.
543
00:37:59,458 --> 00:38:01,833
This some kind of joke, is it?
544
00:38:03,291 --> 00:38:04,958
What do you want?
545
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:06,500
You're not welcome here.
546
00:38:07,875 --> 00:38:09,541
I should blow your fucking head
off.
547
00:38:09,583 --> 00:38:11,083
[Jeff] Please do.
548
00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:12,166
[Michael] Shut up.
549
00:38:12,208 --> 00:38:13,083
[Jeff] Blow my head off.
550
00:38:13,125 --> 00:38:13,958
Shut up.
551
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:15,208
Stop talking stupid things.
552
00:38:17,125 --> 00:38:20,458
Oh, she finally kicked you out,
has she?
553
00:38:20,500 --> 00:38:22,583
God knows you've been asking for
it.
554
00:38:22,625 --> 00:38:23,666
Why'd you come here?
555
00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:25,500
Jeffrey!
556
00:38:26,625 --> 00:38:28,250
Why'd you come back here?
557
00:38:28,291 --> 00:38:29,833
Always used to come here.
558
00:38:29,875 --> 00:38:31,625
Oh, it's a social visit is it?
559
00:38:31,666 --> 00:38:34,250
Well, fan fucking tastic.
560
00:38:34,291 --> 00:38:36,791
Let's have some tea and fucking
scones.
561
00:38:36,833 --> 00:38:40,583
Oh, while we're at it,
here's a funny thing.
562
00:38:40,625 --> 00:38:45,083
Zara's guts burst all across the
yard.
563
00:38:46,666 --> 00:38:50,416
Just fucking everywhere
with flies and maggots,
564
00:38:50,458 --> 00:38:52,708
cos your little friends didn't
see fit
565
00:38:52,750 --> 00:38:55,250
to clear up after themselves.
566
00:38:55,291 --> 00:38:57,666
Just left my girls out
there in a great heap.
567
00:38:58,666 --> 00:39:00,250
The smell got so bad you could
smell
568
00:39:00,291 --> 00:39:03,791
it all across the house, no
escaping it there weren't.
569
00:39:05,500 --> 00:39:07,208
Imagine if old Sheila had seen
that?
570
00:39:09,291 --> 00:39:12,708
Been cattle on this farm for
nearly two hundred years.
571
00:39:14,083 --> 00:39:17,500
Then it was all gone. In about
an hour.
572
00:39:18,333 --> 00:39:23,041
Go on, get out and don't
you dare come back.
573
00:39:24,791 --> 00:39:28,458
Hey, you bastard. You
get out of it! Go on!
574
00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:31,166
Jesus I heard you were bad, but
fuck me.
575
00:39:32,958 --> 00:39:34,458
What? What have you done?
576
00:39:34,500 --> 00:39:35,916
Is that all yours?
577
00:39:35,958 --> 00:39:36,708
I crashed.
578
00:39:39,291 --> 00:39:42,500
- Fucking idiot! Yeah you all
right?
579
00:39:42,541 --> 00:39:43,625
You broken anything?
580
00:39:43,666 --> 00:39:44,916
The windscreen is broke.
581
00:39:44,958 --> 00:39:46,875
- [Michael] Yeah, fuck the
windscreen.
582
00:39:48,208 --> 00:39:49,541
- [Jeff] I think it might be a
write-off.
583
00:39:49,583 --> 00:39:50,458
[Michael] Where'd it happened?
584
00:39:50,500 --> 00:39:51,666
[Jeff] Creber's Lane.
585
00:39:51,708 --> 00:39:52,833
- [Michael] And you didn't hit
no-one?
586
00:39:52,875 --> 00:39:54,208
[Jeff] No.
587
00:39:54,250 --> 00:39:55,916
- [Michael] Oh no! Come
on, sit up Jeffrey.
588
00:39:55,958 --> 00:39:56,916
[Jeff] Get off!
589
00:39:56,958 --> 00:39:58,500
[Michael] Alright.
590
00:39:58,541 --> 00:40:00,500
- You can sit down but
you got gotta stay awake.
591
00:40:00,541 --> 00:40:01,750
It's late.
592
00:40:01,791 --> 00:40:03,375
- Yeah. And you probably got
concussion.
593
00:40:05,750 --> 00:40:08,541
Oh, the state of you, Jeffrey.
594
00:40:08,583 --> 00:40:10,166
Fucking state of this.
595
00:40:11,583 --> 00:40:12,708
What were you thinking?
596
00:40:13,666 --> 00:40:15,541
I have to go to Dorking.
597
00:40:15,583 --> 00:40:17,458
- Where the bloody hell is
Dorking?
598
00:40:17,500 --> 00:40:22,166
- Surrey. She's taken
Holly, gone to her mother's.
599
00:40:24,083 --> 00:40:26,250
I'm not even going to
see her on Christmas.
600
00:40:27,750 --> 00:40:29,166
She's my daughter too.
601
00:40:30,208 --> 00:40:31,625
- [Michael] Shut up
feeling sorry for yourself.
602
00:40:31,666 --> 00:40:33,541
I don't wanna hear it.
603
00:40:53,791 --> 00:40:55,458
Smells.
604
00:40:55,500 --> 00:40:56,958
For the newborns, innit.
605
00:41:01,750 --> 00:41:03,666
What the fuck are you doing?
606
00:41:03,708 --> 00:41:04,833
I smell.
607
00:41:04,875 --> 00:41:07,166
You do smell as it happens.
608
00:41:07,208 --> 00:41:09,500
You smell to high heaven
like a fucking brewery.
609
00:41:10,708 --> 00:41:12,750
Nobody wants me here.
610
00:41:12,791 --> 00:41:14,916
[Michael] What do you expect?
611
00:41:14,958 --> 00:41:16,333
Should just leave you here to
rot.
612
00:41:17,416 --> 00:41:18,541
[Jeff] Go on then.
613
00:41:18,583 --> 00:41:19,291
You what?
614
00:41:19,333 --> 00:41:20,125
Fuck off.
615
00:41:20,958 --> 00:41:22,500
Leave me here to rot.
616
00:41:23,791 --> 00:41:25,166
It's as good as you deserve.
617
00:41:26,500 --> 00:41:28,541
Don't notice you're
kipping in Ellacott's barn.
618
00:41:29,750 --> 00:41:32,458
They wouldn't fucking piss
on you if you were on fire.
619
00:41:32,500 --> 00:41:34,750
I'm the only bloke stupid
enough to bother with you
620
00:41:34,791 --> 00:41:36,333
and look where that got me.
621
00:41:39,666 --> 00:41:40,500
Where you going?
622
00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:43,125
Going away.
623
00:41:49,041 --> 00:41:51,250
- How far you think you'll
get in this weather?
624
00:41:51,291 --> 00:41:53,291
End up dead in a field come
morning.
625
00:41:53,333 --> 00:41:54,708
Good.
626
00:41:54,750 --> 00:41:56,083
Oh, grow up Jeffrey.
627
00:41:56,125 --> 00:41:58,250
You're bleeding for fuck's
sakes.
628
00:41:58,291 --> 00:41:59,000
Sit down.
629
00:42:01,708 --> 00:42:02,833
Okay fine.
630
00:42:03,958 --> 00:42:07,416
Off you pop and good fucking
riddance.
631
00:42:07,458 --> 00:42:09,166
And don't you dare come back
here.
632
00:42:12,333 --> 00:42:14,083
Fuck's sake, Jeffrey!
633
00:42:15,666 --> 00:42:17,000
[Jeff] Get off!
634
00:42:17,041 --> 00:42:18,708
- [Michael] I'm trying
to help you, you baby.
635
00:42:18,750 --> 00:42:19,875
Leave me alone!
636
00:42:19,916 --> 00:42:21,750
- [Michael] This is you all over
this is.
637
00:42:21,791 --> 00:42:25,291
What, sad cause no one likes you
no more?
638
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:29,333
Poor Jeffrey. Boohoo. Boo
fucking hoo!
639
00:42:31,083 --> 00:42:33,833
Everyone took to you when you
first got here, didn't they?
640
00:42:33,875 --> 00:42:38,375
After first five minutes,
Pub Quiz, Fun Run,
641
00:42:38,416 --> 00:42:41,458
fucking lovely house,
beautiful little girl-
642
00:42:42,875 --> 00:42:44,166
Well I got fuck all now.
643
00:42:45,291 --> 00:42:46,416
She's selling the house.
644
00:42:47,666 --> 00:42:49,375
No wife.
645
00:42:49,416 --> 00:42:50,250
No girl.
646
00:42:51,250 --> 00:42:52,083
No car.
647
00:42:53,250 --> 00:42:56,291
Well a car with a lot of tree in
it.
648
00:42:58,708 --> 00:43:02,041
I'm suspended. "Compassionate
leave."
649
00:43:04,583 --> 00:43:06,375
And I'm a social pariah.
650
00:43:06,416 --> 00:43:08,791
- You're a fucking
whinging bastard and all.
651
00:43:11,458 --> 00:43:12,166
I'm not laughing.
652
00:43:23,583 --> 00:43:25,083
How are you?
653
00:43:25,125 --> 00:43:26,375
You fucking joking?
654
00:43:27,750 --> 00:43:28,666
You keeping well?
655
00:43:31,333 --> 00:43:33,250
I've been having a little
trouble Michael.
656
00:43:34,958 --> 00:43:35,791
With everything.
657
00:43:40,625 --> 00:43:41,166
Sorry.
658
00:43:42,625 --> 00:43:44,625
Sorry to disturb your evening.
659
00:43:54,250 --> 00:43:56,458
For fuck's sake, Jeffrey!
660
00:44:00,250 --> 00:44:01,083
Sit down.
661
00:44:09,625 --> 00:44:10,625
[Jeff] It's cold.
662
00:44:10,666 --> 00:44:12,083
Yep.
663
00:44:12,125 --> 00:44:13,125
Duck pond's frozen.
664
00:44:15,166 --> 00:44:16,291
There ain't no ducks in it.
665
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:21,500
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wakey wakey!
666
00:44:23,250 --> 00:44:24,083
What's the capital of Sweden,
Jeffrey?
667
00:44:26,333 --> 00:44:27,666
Oslo.
668
00:44:27,708 --> 00:44:32,041
- Right. Who sang...I
don't know...something?
669
00:44:32,083 --> 00:44:32,875
Lulu.
670
00:44:32,916 --> 00:44:34,666
Yeah. Very good.
671
00:44:34,708 --> 00:44:37,333
Who wrote War and Peace?
672
00:44:38,791 --> 00:44:39,875
Lulu.
673
00:44:39,916 --> 00:44:41,750
Did she? Fuck me.
674
00:44:42,916 --> 00:44:44,250
I hated it you know?
675
00:44:44,291 --> 00:44:45,833
Yeah. I don't want to hear it.
676
00:44:45,875 --> 00:44:47,375
- I had to do such horrible
things.
677
00:44:47,416 --> 00:44:49,250
- Who
- [Jeff] And I'm sorry.
678
00:44:49,791 --> 00:44:52,250
- Who won Euro-
679
00:44:52,291 --> 00:44:53,958
- Michael, I'm so sorry about it
all.
680
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:57,166
Who won Euro '88?
681
00:45:00,416 --> 00:45:02,458
You're always shit at the sport
ones.
682
00:45:08,500 --> 00:45:09,916
[Jeff] I feel sick.
683
00:45:09,958 --> 00:45:12,875
- When was the last time
you actually ate anything?
684
00:45:12,916 --> 00:45:13,500
Do you even know?
685
00:45:16,666 --> 00:45:17,750
Christ.
686
00:45:24,916 --> 00:45:26,125
Go on then. Take them.
687
00:45:29,125 --> 00:45:30,875
They're beef flavor.
688
00:45:30,916 --> 00:45:32,083
So it's a bit like dinner.
689
00:45:33,750 --> 00:45:34,958
I haven't got much else in.
690
00:45:36,875 --> 00:45:38,208
Sheila'd give me a right ticking
off
691
00:45:38,250 --> 00:45:39,791
having just crisps for me
dinner.
692
00:45:41,500 --> 00:45:42,625
God, she was here now,
693
00:45:42,666 --> 00:45:45,458
she'd go ballistic at the state
of you.
694
00:45:45,500 --> 00:45:48,083
She'd bloody drag you in the
house, shouting her head off,
695
00:45:48,125 --> 00:45:49,541
shove you in a hot bath,
696
00:45:49,583 --> 00:45:51,916
probably give you a load of my
clothes.
697
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:58,750
We was in Tavvi once, saw a
wino wearing my tweed jacket.
698
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:02,291
"Charity begins at home", she
said.
699
00:46:03,916 --> 00:46:05,875
She was a wonderful woman.
700
00:46:05,916 --> 00:46:06,666
She was.
701
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:24,083
- Church kicking out.
Should've gone, really.
702
00:46:24,125 --> 00:46:26,833
Carol singing's the only good
bit, innit?
703
00:46:26,875 --> 00:46:28,666
Oranges with the candle.
704
00:46:28,708 --> 00:46:32,125
- Oh yeah. I do like the
oranges with the candles.
705
00:46:32,166 --> 00:46:33,875
Watch the kids from St. Mary's
706
00:46:33,916 --> 00:46:35,750
fucking up their lines in the
nativity.
707
00:46:40,166 --> 00:46:42,416
- [Jeff] Remember when
you were Father Christmas?
708
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,208
Sitting in your grotto
in the village hall?
709
00:46:48,750 --> 00:46:49,666
Don't push your luck.
710
00:46:53,875 --> 00:46:54,916
Holly worked it out.
711
00:46:56,125 --> 00:46:57,375
[Michael] What?
712
00:46:57,416 --> 00:46:58,416
It was your voice.
713
00:47:00,833 --> 00:47:05,791
She said why would Father
Christmas have a Devon accent?
714
00:47:05,833 --> 00:47:06,416
Fair point.
715
00:47:08,208 --> 00:47:09,416
[Jeff] What was the song?
716
00:47:10,833 --> 00:47:13,666
"You boys and girls won't
get any toys!" That one.
717
00:47:13,708 --> 00:47:15,583
- When Santa got stuck up the
chimney.
718
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:19,416
Santa stuck up the chimney.
719
00:47:21,208 --> 00:47:24,166
♪ He began to shout ♪
720
00:47:24,208 --> 00:47:25,708
♪ You boys and girls- ♪
721
00:47:25,750 --> 00:47:27,125
Girls and boys.
722
00:47:32,083 --> 00:47:33,333
Go on then.
723
00:47:33,375 --> 00:47:34,375
Fuck off.
724
00:47:37,041 --> 00:47:38,958
I don't remember.
725
00:47:40,583 --> 00:47:41,375
[Jeff] Bollocks.
726
00:47:45,666 --> 00:47:48,625
♪ When Santa got stuck up the
chimney- ♪
727
00:47:48,666 --> 00:47:51,250
[Jeff] With the actions.
728
00:47:51,291 --> 00:47:53,791
- Do you want me to do it or
not?
729
00:47:53,833 --> 00:47:54,875
[Jeff] Sorry.
730
00:47:56,541 --> 00:47:59,375
♪ When Santa got stuck up the
chimney ♪
731
00:47:59,416 --> 00:48:02,125
♪ He began to shout ♪
732
00:48:02,166 --> 00:48:04,666
♪ You girls and boys won't get
any toys ♪
733
00:48:04,708 --> 00:48:07,416
♪ If you don't pull me out ♪
734
00:48:07,458 --> 00:48:09,958
♪ My beard is black,
there's soot in my sack ♪
735
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:12,708
♪ My nose is tickley too ♪
736
00:48:12,750 --> 00:48:15,333
♪ When Santa got stuck up the
chimney ♪
737
00:48:15,375 --> 00:48:18,416
♪ Achoo, achoo, achoo ♪
738
00:48:24,750 --> 00:48:27,416
- [Jeff] Can I come in the
house?
739
00:48:29,833 --> 00:48:31,250
I don't know yet.
740
00:49:24,125 --> 00:49:26,083
♪ I heard ♪
741
00:49:26,125 --> 00:49:30,375
♪ I heard you got it bad for me
♪
742
00:49:30,416 --> 00:49:33,250
♪ You hid it so well ♪
743
00:49:33,291 --> 00:49:38,166
♪ So well that I could barely
see ♪
744
00:49:38,208 --> 00:49:39,500
♪ Now I know ♪
745
00:49:39,541 --> 00:49:42,208
♪ And it's more than a little
crazy ♪
746
00:49:42,250 --> 00:49:43,750
♪ Don't you know ♪
747
00:49:43,791 --> 00:49:45,833
♪ I've been dreaming
that you'll be my baby ♪
748
00:49:45,875 --> 00:49:47,541
♪ I can barely breath ♪
749
00:49:47,583 --> 00:49:49,791
♪ I can't wait to see you ♪
750
00:49:49,833 --> 00:49:51,958
♪ I can almost taste it ♪
751
00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:53,208
♪ 'Cause I know it's gonna be ♪
752
00:49:53,250 --> 00:49:54,166
♪ So sweet ♪
753
00:49:54,208 --> 00:49:55,208
♪ Sweet as sugar ♪
754
00:49:55,250 --> 00:49:56,958
♪ Always on my mind ♪
755
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:58,375
♪ So bad ♪
756
00:49:58,416 --> 00:50:02,416
♪ Nothing sweeter that I'll
never find ♪
757
00:50:07,250 --> 00:50:08,333
♪ I wanna sing ♪
758
00:50:08,375 --> 00:50:09,458
♪ Wanna sing sing ♪
759
00:50:09,500 --> 00:50:10,791
♪ Wanna sing ♪
760
00:50:10,833 --> 00:50:12,000
♪ Wanna sing sing ♪
761
00:50:12,041 --> 00:50:13,333
♪ Let's sing ♪
762
00:50:13,375 --> 00:50:14,833
♪ Let's sing sing ♪
763
00:50:14,875 --> 00:50:18,208
♪ When I was a little girl ♪
764
00:50:18,250 --> 00:50:19,958
♪ Little girl ♪
765
00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:21,250
♪ You got the game ♪
766
00:50:21,291 --> 00:50:22,875
♪ You got the goods ♪
767
00:50:22,916 --> 00:50:26,750
♪ You don't got nothing nothing,
nothing ♪
768
00:50:26,791 --> 00:50:30,291
♪ Look at me, look at me, look
at me ♪
769
00:50:30,333 --> 00:50:32,250
♪ I rigged the game ♪
770
00:50:32,291 --> 00:50:34,083
♪ Misunderstood ♪
771
00:50:34,125 --> 00:50:38,083
♪ So you better get
running running, running ♪
772
00:50:38,125 --> 00:50:40,916
♪ Look at me, look at me, look
at me ♪
773
00:50:40,958 --> 00:50:43,166
♪ Yeah yeah! ♪
774
00:50:53,458 --> 00:50:56,125
♪ I say hey boy, sitting in your
tree ♪
775
00:50:56,166 --> 00:50:58,875
♪ Mummy always wants you to come
for tea ♪
776
00:50:58,916 --> 00:51:00,625
♪ Don't be shy, straighten up
your tie ♪
777
00:51:00,666 --> 00:51:03,250
♪ Get down from your
tree house in the sky ♪
778
00:51:03,291 --> 00:51:05,041
♪ I wanna know just what it do ♪
779
00:51:05,083 --> 00:51:07,583
♪ Is it very big, is there room
for two ♪
780
00:51:07,625 --> 00:51:09,291
♪ I got a house with windows and
doors ♪
781
00:51:09,333 --> 00:51:10,875
♪ I'll show you mine
if you show me yours ♪
782
00:51:13,208 --> 00:51:14,166
♪ Gotta let me in ♪
783
00:51:14,208 --> 00:51:16,291
♪ Hey hey hey ♪
784
00:51:16,333 --> 00:51:18,500
♪ Let the fun begin ♪
785
00:51:18,541 --> 00:51:20,500
♪ Hey ♪
786
00:51:43,291 --> 00:51:45,416
- I said we shouldn't hire Dodgy
Dave.
787
00:51:45,458 --> 00:51:49,125
- David is the finest disc
jockey this side of Exeter.
788
00:51:49,166 --> 00:51:50,333
He's cheap, you mean.
789
00:51:50,375 --> 00:51:51,625
That's by the by.
790
00:51:51,666 --> 00:51:53,375
He works on the waltzers.
791
00:51:53,416 --> 00:51:55,958
Wooo, Sorry Princess Margaret.
792
00:52:01,708 --> 00:52:03,666
- Holly's having a blinding time
eh?
793
00:52:03,708 --> 00:52:04,500
Yeah.
794
00:52:08,958 --> 00:52:10,291
Gorgeous, isn't she?
795
00:52:10,333 --> 00:52:11,458
Of course.
796
00:52:11,500 --> 00:52:12,625
Don't get that from you.
797
00:52:15,333 --> 00:52:18,916
When she walked down that
aisle was like an angel
798
00:52:18,958 --> 00:52:22,000
walked in the room, made my
heart stop.
799
00:52:25,625 --> 00:52:27,958
Should be proud of your girl.
800
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:29,166
I really am.
801
00:52:29,208 --> 00:52:30,208
Should be.
802
00:52:34,416 --> 00:52:36,750
What the fuck's he doing here?
803
00:52:36,791 --> 00:52:37,708
[Jeff] Who?
804
00:52:37,750 --> 00:52:39,166
[Michael] Fucking Ellacott.
805
00:52:39,208 --> 00:52:41,083
Not enough he's selling
up to the highest bidder,
806
00:52:41,125 --> 00:52:43,083
now he's got his snout in my
buffet!
807
00:52:43,125 --> 00:52:45,291
Bloody shameless bastard.
808
00:52:45,333 --> 00:52:47,000
Leave it.
809
00:52:47,041 --> 00:52:48,833
- Look at him! With his cheeks
full of my teriyaki skewers.
810
00:52:50,291 --> 00:52:51,750
Can buy his own now couldn't he?
811
00:52:51,791 --> 00:52:52,625
He can fucking afford it.
812
00:52:52,666 --> 00:52:54,125
You can't blame him.
813
00:52:54,166 --> 00:52:55,625
- Where's it leave the rest of
us eh?
814
00:52:55,666 --> 00:52:57,583
Fucking houses everywhere.
815
00:52:57,625 --> 00:52:59,541
Wake up one morning, go for a
piss
816
00:52:59,583 --> 00:53:01,666
they'll be a supermarket
opened up in me toilet.
817
00:53:01,708 --> 00:53:03,250
Michael. Not now.
818
00:53:03,291 --> 00:53:05,708
Oh come on.
819
00:53:05,750 --> 00:53:09,750
You gotta have a fight at
the wedding. It's tradition.
820
00:53:09,791 --> 00:53:11,708
Get this lot something to go up
at.
821
00:53:42,041 --> 00:53:44,750
- God, Helen's new bit's
a jumped up tosser isn't he?
822
00:53:44,791 --> 00:53:46,375
He's an estate agent.
823
00:53:46,416 --> 00:53:47,791
Course he fucking is.
824
00:53:49,208 --> 00:53:51,875
- Apparently they're
considering taking the plunge.
825
00:53:51,916 --> 00:53:54,958
- Ah sod 'em. You're
best off out of it mate.
826
00:53:55,000 --> 00:53:56,958
She hasn't half got an
arse on her these days.
827
00:53:57,000 --> 00:53:58,958
- She has stacked in on since
the divorce.
828
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:01,041
Yeah, mother of the bride.
829
00:54:01,083 --> 00:54:02,916
More like fucking Free Willy!
830
00:54:07,583 --> 00:54:10,541
Good on you bey, not letting
that batch of bastards
831
00:54:10,583 --> 00:54:14,041
upset you, like bloody
mother-in-law,
832
00:54:14,083 --> 00:54:16,375
HMS Pinafore over there.
833
00:54:16,416 --> 00:54:18,833
- Barbara? Old Barbara's
been having a field day.
834
00:54:18,875 --> 00:54:22,083
"Orange juice is it Jeffrey?
Well that does make a change!"
835
00:54:22,125 --> 00:54:22,916
She never did like me.
836
00:54:24,583 --> 00:54:27,000
- She's another one fucking
boring as sin,
837
00:54:27,041 --> 00:54:30,958
lording it over everyone with
her too much perfume and her,
838
00:54:31,000 --> 00:54:33,916
what's it? Plumes.
839
00:54:35,666 --> 00:54:37,416
I said to her, I said,
840
00:54:37,458 --> 00:54:40,208
"what you come as, love -
Admiral Nelson"?
841
00:54:40,250 --> 00:54:41,208
You didn't say that.
842
00:54:41,250 --> 00:54:42,833
I did! (laughing)
843
00:54:42,875 --> 00:54:45,041
- Ha! Well, good. Bollocks to
her.
844
00:54:45,083 --> 00:54:46,416
Bollocks to her!
845
00:54:46,458 --> 00:54:47,208
Shhh!
846
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:57,916
- She never had to do an ounce
of all that whatnot you did.
847
00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:03,791
See bey, she was born a posh old
twat
848
00:55:03,833 --> 00:55:05,916
and she'll die the same an all.
849
00:55:06,833 --> 00:55:08,916
There's no twelve steps for
that.
850
00:55:13,083 --> 00:55:16,833
Anyway. Lord of the manor you
now?
851
00:55:16,875 --> 00:55:18,625
Hardly.
852
00:55:18,666 --> 00:55:22,500
- We done alright. We'll
double the herd by next year.
853
00:55:22,541 --> 00:55:23,833
Fix the roof...
854
00:55:23,875 --> 00:55:26,125
- [Both] Go organic, get a hot
tub.
855
00:55:32,083 --> 00:55:35,250
♪ You got the sound ♪
856
00:55:35,291 --> 00:55:37,833
♪ You lift me up ♪
857
00:55:40,875 --> 00:55:43,666
- Oh Pipa is a lovely woman
innit she?
858
00:55:43,708 --> 00:55:46,125
I said to her I said,
859
00:55:46,166 --> 00:55:49,833
"You got a look of Gina
Lollobrigida, you.
860
00:55:49,875 --> 00:55:51,458
You ever hear that sweetheart?"
861
00:55:54,583 --> 00:55:56,583
She's not married to him, is
she?
862
00:55:56,625 --> 00:55:57,833
Pipa? Yeah she is.
863
00:55:57,875 --> 00:55:58,958
That's my cousin Steve.
864
00:55:59,000 --> 00:55:59,833
Huh?
865
00:56:00,833 --> 00:56:04,250
Gina Lollobrigida.
866
00:56:04,291 --> 00:56:08,416
Fuck me, they don't make
them make that anymore bey.
867
00:56:08,458 --> 00:56:11,000
You think they'd get to a
certain size
868
00:56:11,041 --> 00:56:13,500
and she wouldn't be able to
keep her balance no more.
869
00:56:13,541 --> 00:56:14,875
That's remarkable.
870
00:56:16,083 --> 00:56:18,375
See, Sheila had a good pair on
her
871
00:56:18,416 --> 00:56:21,708
but then she had the
backside to, you know,
872
00:56:21,750 --> 00:56:24,083
act like a counterbalance, sort
of thing.
873
00:56:24,125 --> 00:56:25,291
[Steve] See you Jeff!
874
00:56:25,333 --> 00:56:27,875
- Cheers, Steve! See you on the
14th!
875
00:56:27,916 --> 00:56:29,125
What's happening on the 14th?
876
00:56:34,458 --> 00:56:35,000
[Jeff] Michael!
877
00:56:40,500 --> 00:56:42,333
Michael.
878
00:56:42,375 --> 00:56:45,083
- You can tell that Steve he
can fuck a whistle for it!
879
00:56:45,125 --> 00:56:46,500
Sick of these people.
880
00:56:46,541 --> 00:56:47,958
Hang on!
881
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:49,583
- Why are you always
fiddling with the house?
882
00:56:49,625 --> 00:56:51,208
I'm not!
883
00:56:51,250 --> 00:56:53,041
- I let you move in out
the goodness of my heart
884
00:56:53,083 --> 00:56:55,500
and suddenly it's all
bloody 'insulate' that
885
00:56:55,541 --> 00:56:56,708
and 'floorboards' this.
886
00:56:56,750 --> 00:56:58,208
It's just evaluation.
887
00:56:58,250 --> 00:57:02,250
I mean why not explore some
options?
888
00:57:02,291 --> 00:57:04,666
Steve reckons if we convert
just one of the barns,
889
00:57:04,708 --> 00:57:08,500
then we're sitting on
acres of real estate.
890
00:57:08,541 --> 00:57:10,958
- I'm sitting on my farm.
Alright?
891
00:57:12,083 --> 00:57:12,958
Our farm.
892
00:57:14,375 --> 00:57:15,583
Come on.
893
00:57:16,750 --> 00:57:17,791
You're missing the party.
894
00:57:24,416 --> 00:57:25,875
- [Michael] I fucking hate
'Grand Designs' Jeffrey.
895
00:57:25,916 --> 00:57:27,291
[Jeff] I know.
896
00:57:27,333 --> 00:57:28,500
- [Michael] How come
it's always fucking on?
897
00:57:28,541 --> 00:57:31,041
Night and day. It's all they
ever show,
898
00:57:31,083 --> 00:57:33,500
have its own bleeding channel
soon.
899
00:57:33,541 --> 00:57:34,708
- [Jeff] I didn't mean we'd
actually
900
00:57:34,750 --> 00:57:36,500
get Grand Designs, round-
901
00:57:36,541 --> 00:57:38,333
- [Michael] You better fucking
not!
902
00:57:38,375 --> 00:57:40,166
We're not having 'Grand
Designs' round here,
903
00:57:40,208 --> 00:57:42,666
fucking putting bidets
left right and center.
904
00:57:50,083 --> 00:57:51,583
♪ I'm feeling so good ♪
905
00:57:51,625 --> 00:57:54,333
♪ Feeling so good ♪
906
00:57:54,375 --> 00:57:58,208
♪ Reaching out to the weekend ♪
907
00:57:58,250 --> 00:58:00,208
♪ Feeling so good ♪
908
00:58:00,250 --> 00:58:02,291
♪ I'm feeling so good ♪
909
00:58:02,333 --> 00:58:04,333
♪ Put your hands up for
the Friday feeling ♪
910
00:58:18,458 --> 00:58:21,541
- Just thinking it's a
shame old Sheils ain't here.
911
00:58:21,583 --> 00:58:25,916
She bloody loved a wedding.
Bloody loved a buffet and all.
912
00:58:27,541 --> 00:58:29,250
She was a wonderful woman.
913
00:58:29,291 --> 00:58:30,041
She was.
914
00:58:34,916 --> 00:58:37,500
- [Michael] Why can't
I have a farm Jeffrey?
915
00:58:37,541 --> 00:58:41,666
Why does everything have to
be a bloody conference center,
916
00:58:41,708 --> 00:58:45,208
fucking spa, barn conversion.
917
00:58:45,250 --> 00:58:47,375
People still gotta eat don't
they?
918
00:58:47,416 --> 00:58:49,166
Still gotta grow plants,
919
00:58:49,208 --> 00:58:51,208
can't do that in a test tube yet
can you?
920
00:58:53,041 --> 00:58:54,416
I don't understand people no
more.
921
00:58:56,041 --> 00:58:58,250
- It's just a way we could
actually make some money.
922
00:58:59,791 --> 00:59:01,041
You know how it's been.
923
00:59:02,458 --> 00:59:04,166
Soon be winter again and
we'll be back to living
924
00:59:04,208 --> 00:59:06,166
by the Rayburn 'cause every
other room's
925
00:59:06,208 --> 00:59:08,166
got damp patches turning to ice.
926
00:59:09,291 --> 00:59:10,875
Roof's leaking.
927
00:59:10,916 --> 00:59:12,333
The windows are so creaky
928
00:59:12,375 --> 00:59:15,041
they're basically held
together with cobwebs.
929
00:59:15,083 --> 00:59:17,041
I mean why not use the barn?
930
00:59:17,916 --> 00:59:19,583
Just use some of the land.
931
00:59:20,750 --> 00:59:22,500
It's better than having
it fall apart, isn't it?
932
00:59:22,541 --> 00:59:24,958
- Bloody washing and ironing
and playing char lady
933
00:59:25,000 --> 00:59:26,208
to a load of posh twats?
934
00:59:26,250 --> 00:59:27,958
But nothing's working.
935
00:59:29,041 --> 00:59:31,791
Look, we tried, and we
couldn't have done more,
936
00:59:31,833 --> 00:59:33,208
but milk prices just keep
folding.
937
00:59:33,250 --> 00:59:34,958
What?
938
00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:36,666
So we just give everything
up to people that's come down
939
00:59:36,708 --> 00:59:39,958
here and treat this whole county
like it's a fucking hotel?
940
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:42,500
Like it's all been put
here for their weekend
941
00:59:42,541 --> 00:59:44,791
and their postcards.
942
00:59:44,833 --> 00:59:47,375
You don't let 'em come
down here and bully you.
943
00:59:47,416 --> 00:59:49,416
I heard the lot of 'em.
944
00:59:49,458 --> 00:59:53,250
"Oh isn't it lovely. It's
like an oil painting."
945
00:59:53,291 --> 00:59:56,500
But it's not a painting
is it? It's proper.
946
00:59:56,541 --> 00:59:58,166
It's actually here.
947
00:59:58,208 --> 01:00:01,625
Ten years ago they would've
been ankle deep in cow shit.
948
01:00:01,666 --> 01:00:04,333
- And now we've maybe got
a couple of months left.
949
01:00:04,375 --> 01:00:06,375
- We would double the herd, go
organic-
950
01:00:06,416 --> 01:00:07,916
With money from what?
951
01:00:09,791 --> 01:00:10,791
We're tapped out.
952
01:00:11,875 --> 01:00:12,875
This was the last of it.
953
01:00:14,875 --> 01:00:16,250
Dunno what else we can do.
954
01:00:19,666 --> 01:00:21,208
Enjoy the party. I suppose.
955
01:02:21,041 --> 01:02:25,083
- [Television] ...have
sufficient building materials
956
01:02:25,125 --> 01:02:29,083
for their dream home but
cannot afford the labor cost.
957
01:02:29,125 --> 01:02:30,916
Unable to borrow more from the
bank,
958
01:02:30,958 --> 01:02:34,291
They've decided to build
a house themselves,
959
01:02:34,333 --> 01:02:36,916
but with absolutely no
experience our builders
960
01:02:36,958 --> 01:02:41,708
wonder how wise this decision
might turn out to be,
961
01:02:41,750 --> 01:02:45,333
I went to visit them in
Staffordshire to find out.
962
01:04:08,958 --> 01:04:11,125
- What the hell? (begins
coughing)
963
01:04:11,166 --> 01:04:13,250
- [Jeff] Shut up. You're
making yourself cough.
964
01:04:13,291 --> 01:04:14,750
- [Michael] Old Sheila wet her
knickers,
965
01:04:14,791 --> 01:04:17,583
she saw you standing there
like that in her coat.
966
01:04:17,625 --> 01:04:19,708
- [Jeff] Yes. Well someone
chucked mine in the slurry pit.
967
01:04:19,750 --> 01:04:20,500
[Michael] Did they?
968
01:04:20,541 --> 01:04:21,666
[Jeff] Yes they did.
969
01:04:21,708 --> 01:04:23,333
- [Michael] Imagine you was been
a knob.
970
01:04:23,375 --> 01:04:24,958
[Jeff] You imagine.
971
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:28,083
- Hang about, you're not
wearing her knickers too is you?
972
01:04:28,125 --> 01:04:32,000
Is that what's wrong, you got
your knickers on too tight?
973
01:04:32,041 --> 01:04:35,666
That's it! It's cutting off
circulation to your brains?
974
01:04:35,708 --> 01:04:36,708
[Jeff] Very droll.
975
01:04:43,125 --> 01:04:44,333
Where's your tablet?
976
01:04:44,375 --> 01:04:46,291
I don't want a tablet.
977
01:04:46,333 --> 01:04:48,000
Did you want some water?
978
01:04:48,041 --> 01:04:50,958
- Bollocks some water. You
wanna be useful, roll us a fag.
979
01:04:51,000 --> 01:04:52,541
Absolutely not.
980
01:04:52,583 --> 01:04:54,375
- So what difference
it gonna make now, eh?
981
01:04:56,958 --> 01:04:58,833
- This is a pissing stupid idea
you know.
982
01:04:58,875 --> 01:05:00,583
Roll us a fag.
983
01:05:00,625 --> 01:05:02,625
- You'd be far more comfortable
in bed.
984
01:05:02,666 --> 01:05:06,375
- Get on, bed! Best
views in Devon up here.
985
01:05:07,666 --> 01:05:09,666
God's own country this is,
Jeffrey.
986
01:05:13,708 --> 01:05:16,125
- [Jeff] Lucky you can't see
the diggers from up here.
987
01:05:16,166 --> 01:05:17,583
[Michael] Diggers?
988
01:05:17,625 --> 01:05:18,958
- [Jeff] Bottom end of Church
Lane.
989
01:05:19,000 --> 01:05:20,416
They're building a new estate.
990
01:05:20,458 --> 01:05:22,833
- [Michael] Christ and
Baby Moses in a basket.
991
01:05:25,250 --> 01:05:27,666
- Heard what they're gonna call
it?
992
01:05:27,708 --> 01:05:29,625
I'm not sure I should tell you,
actually.
993
01:05:29,666 --> 01:05:31,125
It's not good for your blood
pressure.
994
01:05:31,166 --> 01:05:32,375
Let me guess.
995
01:05:33,791 --> 01:05:36,958
Dingley Nightingale Twinkle
fucking Glade?
996
01:05:37,000 --> 01:05:37,833
Worse.
997
01:05:39,208 --> 01:05:42,958
- Honeysuckle Badger Sparkley
Lane?
998
01:05:43,000 --> 01:05:44,500
"Shepherd's Dell".
999
01:05:44,541 --> 01:05:49,041
"Shepherd's Dell"! Oh Christ!
1000
01:05:49,083 --> 01:05:50,833
Where's me shotgun?
1001
01:05:50,875 --> 01:05:53,583
Fucking shoot me in the
head now that I live to see
1002
01:05:53,625 --> 01:05:57,125
Shepherd's - what the fuck's a
'dell'?!
1003
01:05:57,166 --> 01:05:58,750
- I think it's where pixies
live.
1004
01:05:58,791 --> 01:06:01,541
Nah, pixies. Christ.
1005
01:06:03,083 --> 01:06:05,333
What is wrong with people?
1006
01:06:05,375 --> 01:06:06,750
The irony being,
1007
01:06:06,791 --> 01:06:09,375
the shepherd's working
on the building site.
1008
01:06:09,416 --> 01:06:11,958
Who's that? Shane, whatsit?
1009
01:06:12,000 --> 01:06:13,333
Shane Dempsey.
1010
01:06:13,375 --> 01:06:14,583
Dempsey, is he?
1011
01:06:14,625 --> 01:06:15,458
Apparently.
1012
01:06:17,083 --> 01:06:19,333
- You best keep your distance
then.
1013
01:06:19,375 --> 01:06:20,458
Why?
1014
01:06:20,500 --> 01:06:21,583
Don't remember do you?
1015
01:06:22,625 --> 01:06:24,291
Oh god. What?
1016
01:06:24,333 --> 01:06:27,250
- Well, back when you was, you
know, being a drunk wanker.
1017
01:06:27,291 --> 01:06:28,750
Alcohol dependent.
1018
01:06:28,791 --> 01:06:31,875
- You tried it on with
Shane Dempsey's missus
1019
01:06:31,916 --> 01:06:33,416
in front of everyone,
1020
01:06:33,458 --> 01:06:36,041
including him in the
beer garden of the Drake.
1021
01:06:36,083 --> 01:06:37,833
Hmm? Is that all?
1022
01:06:37,875 --> 01:06:40,875
- Well you didn't have no
trousers on at the time, see?
1023
01:06:40,916 --> 01:06:42,041
I didn't?
1024
01:06:42,083 --> 01:06:43,916
- No, you sicked up down
yourself,
1025
01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:47,083
so you saw fit to take then
off and fling them in a tree.
1026
01:06:47,125 --> 01:06:47,666
Oh shit.
1027
01:06:48,916 --> 01:06:51,666
- Ruined their Carly's Sweet 16,
that did.
1028
01:06:53,625 --> 01:06:57,208
He nearly battered you
to death in the car park.
1029
01:06:57,250 --> 01:06:58,583
Still. I laughed.
1030
01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:00,500
Sorry.
1031
01:07:05,125 --> 01:07:11,291
- So he's on the building
sites now is he? Shame.
1032
01:07:20,416 --> 01:07:22,500
I've changed my mind.
1033
01:07:22,541 --> 01:07:25,125
I don't want to be buried
in the church yard no more.
1034
01:07:26,708 --> 01:07:28,958
I want to be stuffed and
put in that bottom field
1035
01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:32,833
so I can scare the out of
everybody in Shepherd's Dell.
1036
01:07:34,083 --> 01:07:36,833
- Or I could just bury you
with your arse sticking out.
1037
01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:39,416
- Oh yeah. Give you
somewhere to park your bike.
1038
01:07:39,458 --> 01:07:40,583
Nah, it's too much work.
1039
01:07:40,625 --> 01:07:42,416
Just sling you in the compost
bin.
1040
01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:43,875
You'll mulch up lovely come
spring.
1041
01:07:47,708 --> 01:07:48,916
Do you want some water?
1042
01:07:48,958 --> 01:07:49,666
Tea.
1043
01:07:57,916 --> 01:07:58,750
Here.
1044
01:08:05,500 --> 01:08:06,875
Oh, I forgot.
1045
01:08:06,916 --> 01:08:08,958
I got you a present.
1046
01:08:09,000 --> 01:08:09,833
Look.
1047
01:08:13,750 --> 01:08:15,583
We got loads.
1048
01:08:15,625 --> 01:08:17,208
We should get them in some
vinegar
1049
01:08:17,250 --> 01:08:18,500
and have a conker tournament.
1050
01:08:19,458 --> 01:08:21,416
Ah, that's a beauty.
1051
01:08:21,458 --> 01:08:22,833
Look at that Jeffrey.
1052
01:08:23,916 --> 01:08:25,958
Magnificent innit?
1053
01:08:26,000 --> 01:08:26,791
Yes it is.
1054
01:08:29,416 --> 01:08:31,083
It's getting late.
1055
01:08:31,125 --> 01:08:34,500
We should think about getting
you home.
1056
01:08:34,541 --> 01:08:37,166
- Oh, let's stay out a bit
longer eh?
1057
01:08:37,208 --> 01:08:39,166
You'd been up here ages.
1058
01:08:39,208 --> 01:08:40,541
Besides dinner will be ready
soon.
1059
01:08:40,583 --> 01:08:42,708
I've made Cheesy Bean Crunch.
1060
01:08:42,750 --> 01:08:45,208
- I hate cheesy bean bollocking
crunch.
1061
01:08:45,250 --> 01:08:46,416
There's protein in beans.
1062
01:08:46,458 --> 01:08:48,083
It's good for you.
1063
01:08:48,125 --> 01:08:49,916
- You'll finished me off
with your bloody rabbit food.
1064
01:08:49,958 --> 01:08:51,666
Actually Michael,
1065
01:08:51,708 --> 01:08:54,500
rabbits eat their own
mucus covered cecal pellets
1066
01:08:54,541 --> 01:08:55,666
as they emerge from the anus.
1067
01:08:56,750 --> 01:08:58,833
You're a flithy bastard.
1068
01:09:07,958 --> 01:09:11,625
- Goosey Fair day today,
can you believe it, already?
1069
01:09:12,791 --> 01:09:14,291
Comes around quicker and
quicker.
1070
01:09:16,541 --> 01:09:19,125
I used to take Holly until
she got to cool to go with me.
1071
01:09:21,041 --> 01:09:25,083
I bought her a great big
plastic tiara one year,
1072
01:09:25,125 --> 01:09:26,958
flashing lights all over it,
1073
01:09:28,541 --> 01:09:29,958
she wouldn't take it off.
1074
01:09:32,000 --> 01:09:34,875
Really annoyed Helen, which
was a bonus, of course.
1075
01:09:36,583 --> 01:09:39,750
She was outraged I'd bought
her something so 'gaudy'.
1076
01:09:41,375 --> 01:09:44,333
But that's the charm of
a fair though isn't it?
1077
01:09:44,375 --> 01:09:47,750
It's sort of, gloriously...shit.
1078
01:09:49,791 --> 01:09:50,916
Helen always wanted it to be
like
1079
01:09:50,958 --> 01:09:53,333
something out of Jane Austen.
1080
01:09:53,375 --> 01:09:56,791
- Trev won a goldfish one
year on the shooting gallery.
1081
01:09:56,833 --> 01:09:58,333
- Don't know how I feel about
that.
1082
01:09:58,375 --> 01:09:59,875
Don't worry about them.
1083
01:09:59,916 --> 01:10:03,083
Hard as fucking nails fairground
goldfish,
1084
01:10:03,125 --> 01:10:04,250
could fight a dog.
1085
01:10:05,916 --> 01:10:07,958
Lived in a vase for the first
six months.
1086
01:10:09,416 --> 01:10:12,875
He had that fish for bloody
years,
1087
01:10:12,916 --> 01:10:14,708
lasted till he went to college.
1088
01:10:14,750 --> 01:10:16,500
What was it called?
1089
01:10:16,541 --> 01:10:18,583
'Marty Maraschino'.
1090
01:10:20,583 --> 01:10:23,291
She's buried in a matchbox
beneath the rowan tree.
1091
01:10:25,083 --> 01:10:29,000
It's from Grease, pink
ladies and all that,
1092
01:10:31,541 --> 01:10:33,375
you ever watch that film?
1093
01:10:33,416 --> 01:10:35,333
Oh a loop. Holly loved Grease.
1094
01:10:36,500 --> 01:10:37,416
So did Trev.
1095
01:10:41,416 --> 01:10:44,166
- Be good if he came to stay one
weekend?
1096
01:10:44,208 --> 01:10:45,708
I've got his email.
1097
01:10:45,750 --> 01:10:49,375
Yeah. Perhaps.
1098
01:10:49,416 --> 01:10:51,416
- Well. I'll see when
him and Jack are free.
1099
01:10:59,041 --> 01:11:00,416
What now for us then? Hmm?
1100
01:11:01,583 --> 01:11:04,250
Get the bonfire lit, toast some
crumpets?
1101
01:11:07,916 --> 01:11:09,875
Or some sort of Pagan orgy?
1102
01:11:11,750 --> 01:11:13,791
I'll phone Mrs Tebbs from the
post office,
1103
01:11:13,833 --> 01:11:15,791
get her to bring her sister
Eunice?
1104
01:11:17,041 --> 01:11:18,916
I hear she'll do anything
for a custard slice
1105
01:11:18,958 --> 01:11:19,875
and a game of bingo.
1106
01:11:41,041 --> 01:11:41,791
Smell that?
1107
01:11:43,458 --> 01:11:44,250
Autumn.
1108
01:11:45,500 --> 01:11:49,875
Smells like smoke and frost and
wet moss.
1109
01:11:52,583 --> 01:11:55,583
Should get that bonfire
lit, dry spell won't last.
1110
01:11:58,250 --> 01:12:01,541
Sheila'd always bake me
a blackberry crumble.
1111
01:12:01,583 --> 01:12:03,375
She was a cracking cook.
1112
01:12:03,416 --> 01:12:05,166
Oh, she was.
1113
01:12:05,208 --> 01:12:07,875
That's how come she had an
arse the size of Tiverton.
1114
01:12:10,500 --> 01:12:14,250
Remember that new year she come
up here,
1115
01:12:14,291 --> 01:12:17,250
all that fuss she made coming
up here in them stilettos?
1116
01:12:19,041 --> 01:12:20,958
Why was she wearing stilettos?
1117
01:12:21,000 --> 01:12:22,791
- Showing off to your Helen
wasn't she?
1118
01:12:24,583 --> 01:12:26,541
Great night that was,
1119
01:12:26,583 --> 01:12:28,708
sitting up here watching the
fireworks.
1120
01:12:30,458 --> 01:12:33,541
- Helen got so pissed she kept
calling it 'the min-ellium'.
1121
01:12:33,583 --> 01:12:34,875
Happy Min-ellium!
1122
01:12:36,250 --> 01:12:37,666
- Happy Min-ellium!
1123
01:12:42,875 --> 01:12:46,041
Used to bring old Sheils up
here when we was first courting.
1124
01:12:46,083 --> 01:12:48,250
Oh, that's nice.
1125
01:12:48,291 --> 01:12:50,916
- And we'd sneak back to
the barn for a fumble.
1126
01:12:53,041 --> 01:12:54,833
Bloody gorgeous she was.
1127
01:12:56,208 --> 01:12:57,541
Love of my life.
1128
01:13:00,666 --> 01:13:04,291
Bloody hurry up and find
yourself a bird, Jeffrey.
1129
01:13:04,333 --> 01:13:07,625
You find yourself a good
woman, you'd be happy.
1130
01:13:07,666 --> 01:13:09,208
I should. God help me.
1131
01:13:09,250 --> 01:13:11,916
The only fanny I've seen in
years is you.
1132
01:13:26,791 --> 01:13:30,375
- I never moved house.
I ever tell you that?
1133
01:13:30,416 --> 01:13:32,250
Yeah. You did.
1134
01:13:34,208 --> 01:13:36,041
Born upstairs.
1135
01:13:36,083 --> 01:13:37,916
Well, I didn't know that.
1136
01:13:37,958 --> 01:13:41,708
- Mm. My mother was back milking
the cows within the hour.
1137
01:13:52,041 --> 01:13:53,833
We had a good run, didn't we
Jeffrey?
1138
01:13:53,875 --> 01:13:54,750
You finished your tea?
1139
01:13:54,791 --> 01:13:56,500
Muddled through and all.
1140
01:13:56,541 --> 01:14:00,083
- Life of Riley. Telly in the
kitchen.
1141
01:14:00,125 --> 01:14:01,958
Telly in the kitchen!
1142
01:14:03,250 --> 01:14:05,833
Sheila'd never let me have
a telly in the kitchen.
1143
01:14:05,875 --> 01:14:08,958
There you go, some dreams do
come true.
1144
01:14:09,000 --> 01:14:10,916
Come on, my bean crunch is gonna
burn.
1145
01:14:12,375 --> 01:14:13,291
It's all yours.
1146
01:14:14,875 --> 01:14:16,500
The house.
1147
01:14:16,541 --> 01:14:17,750
- It's gonna get far too cold up
here
1148
01:14:17,791 --> 01:14:19,750
if you don't get a move on.
1149
01:14:19,791 --> 01:14:21,750
- No, I said the house is yours,
Jeffrey.
1150
01:14:21,791 --> 01:14:23,625
Yeah. Don't be daft.
1151
01:14:23,666 --> 01:14:26,750
- I know I ain’t been the
easiest bloke to live with.
1152
01:14:26,791 --> 01:14:28,833
- You're a colossal and
perpetual pain in the arse.
1153
01:14:28,875 --> 01:14:30,916
No, you're a pain in the arse.
1154
01:14:30,958 --> 01:14:33,083
- I am. Now come on. It's
getting cold.
1155
01:14:33,125 --> 01:14:37,958
- Yeah. Lucky bastard
eh, to have had all this.
1156
01:14:38,000 --> 01:14:44,458
Have a woman like Sheila and,
be here, have a life here,
1157
01:14:45,708 --> 01:14:47,708
never wanted to go anywhere else
you know.
1158
01:14:51,916 --> 01:14:53,500
Went to Coventry once.
1159
01:14:53,541 --> 01:14:54,583
Oh yeah?
1160
01:14:54,625 --> 01:14:55,833
It was fucking awful.
1161
01:14:58,500 --> 01:15:01,000
Still you can go anywhere
you like though eh Jeffrey?
1162
01:15:03,500 --> 01:15:04,083
You do that.
1163
01:15:05,500 --> 01:15:06,375
Don't be such a girl.
1164
01:15:44,333 --> 01:15:48,500
- What's the longest
river in Africa Jeffrey?
1165
01:15:48,541 --> 01:15:49,875
The Nile.
1166
01:15:49,916 --> 01:15:51,125
Is it?
1167
01:15:51,166 --> 01:15:52,875
You are a terrible quizmaster.
1168
01:15:52,916 --> 01:15:53,750
Yeah.
1169
01:15:56,250 --> 01:16:00,166
Mmm. What you’d call a
baldy git in a stupid coat?
1170
01:16:00,208 --> 01:16:01,000
Very good.
1171
01:16:07,666 --> 01:16:09,208
Hey listen.
1172
01:16:15,583 --> 01:16:17,041
Come on Jeffrey.
1173
01:16:18,166 --> 01:16:19,416
Even you know this one.
1174
01:16:24,166 --> 01:16:25,208
It's a nightjar.
77702
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