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Subtitles made from the original script
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by
DeBosch (PT)
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MONTY PYTHON LIVE
AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL
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Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me
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I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
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00:02:05,572 --> 00:02:08,461
I love to hear you oralise
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When I'm between your thighs
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You blow me away
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Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
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I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly.
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Life can be fine if we both 69
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If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
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Till we're blown away
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Hello, good evening and welcome to the
Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl,
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here in the pretty little L.A. suburb of Hollywood,
where we're about to go in all for wrestling,
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00:02:59,026 --> 00:03:03,023
brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
by the makers of Scum,
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00:03:03,373 --> 00:03:08,573
the world's first ever combined hair oil,
foot ointment, and salad dressing.
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00:03:09,752 --> 00:03:15,152
And the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile!
You never know when it'll go off!
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Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies,
start the party with a bang!
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Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, all the way from
a mud-wrestling tour of the OPEC countries...
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in the red corner: Colin "Bomber" Harris!...
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00:03:36,352 --> 00:03:39,533
and, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner...
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all the way from a mud-wrestling tour of the
OPEC countries...Colin "Bomber" Harris!
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Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the
first time that Colin "Bomber" Harris has met himself.
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00:03:54,524 --> 00:03:59,125
A few formalities now, any moment now,
we'll be ready for the start of Round One.
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There goes the bell! Colin moves
to the middle of the ring there,
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he's looking for an opening, going for the handhold...
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He's got it! Into the headsqueeze...
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00:04:12,478 --> 00:04:13,843
A headsqueeze there...
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00:04:13,593 --> 00:04:16,575
...a favorite move of Colin's at this opening stage...
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...flying there...
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...and already Colin is working on that weak left knee of his!
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A half nelson...a half nelson and a Philadelphia
Half-Lotus and Colin bit himself on purpose there,
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and he has been given a public
warning by the referee,
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00:04:30,844 --> 00:04:32,394
and Colin did not like that one little bit!
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Forearm... Double overhead nostril...
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...back-kick and into the, ah, Boston crayfish,
no, it's a crawlfish,
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or is it a longestine, no, it's a
longestine! A lovely move there!
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He's caught himself by surprise and that is it,
the first fall to Colin "Bomber" Harris!
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Swell! A lovely move there!
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00:04:50,329 --> 00:04:55,729
And Colin must be pretty pleased with
himself having caught himself out with that one!
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And a forearm chop. A strawberry whip,
a vanilla whip, a chocolate whip...
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00:05:00,545 --> 00:05:05,038
there it is, Colin's most famous hold:
the one-neck-over-shoulder-Gerry Ford
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00:05:05,288 --> 00:05:10,029
and Colin's in real trouble! He's just made
it to the rope...just a little lucky there...
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00:05:10,279 --> 00:05:13,724
...and there it is, a double Eydie Gourmet,
should be able to twist out of this...
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00:05:13,974 --> 00:05:17,088
and he does...but he's
looking pretty groggy...
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00:05:17,038 --> 00:05:19,562
and I think he's caught himself there
with two forearm smashes, and that is it!.
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Colin "Bomber" Harris has knocked
himself out and so he is the winner
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00:05:24,372 --> 00:05:28,422
and he goes on next week to meet
himself in the final!
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00:05:41,012 --> 00:05:46,271
Never be rude to an Arab
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An Israeli or Saudi or Jew
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00:05:52,834 --> 00:05:58,129
Never be rude to an Irishman
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No matter what you do
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00:06:04,910 --> 00:06:10,610
Never pull fun at a nigger
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00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:16,593
A Spic or a Wop or a Kraut
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And never poke fun at a...
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Michelangelo to see you, your Holiness.
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Who?
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Michelangelo, the famous renaissance
artist whose best known works
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include the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel,
and the celebrated statue of David.
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Ah. Very well...
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In 1514 he returned to Florence and de...
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All right, that's enough, that's enough,
they've got it now!
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Good evening, your Holiness.
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Evening, Michelangelo. I want to have a word with
you about this painting of yours, "The Last Supper."
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Oh, yeah?
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I'm not happy about it.
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Oh, dear. It took me hours.
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Not happy at all.
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Is it the jello you don't like?
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No.
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Ah, no, I know, they do have a bit of colour,
don't they? Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo?
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What kangaroo?
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No problem, I'll paint him out.
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I never saw a kangaroo!
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Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out!
No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple.
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All right?
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That's the problem.
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What is?
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The disciples.
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Are they too Jewish?
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I made Judas the most Jewish.
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No, it's just that there are
twenty-eight of them.
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Oh, well, another one will never matter,
I'll make the kangaroo into another one.
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No, that's not the point.
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All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo.
Be honest, I wasn't perfectly happy with it.
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That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples!
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Too many?
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00:07:54,399 --> 00:07:55,935
Well, of course it's too many!
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Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give
the impression of a real last supper.
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00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:04,538
You know, not just any old last supper.
Not like a last meal or a final snack.
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But you know, I wanted to give the impression
of a real mother of a blow-out, you know?
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There were only twelve disciples at the last supper.
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Well, maybe some of the others came along afterw...
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There were only twelve altogether.
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00:08:17,725 --> 00:08:19,059
Well, maybe some of their friends came by, you know?
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00:08:19,359 --> 00:08:25,640
Look! There were just twelve disciples and our Lord
at the last supper. The Bible clearly says so.
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No friends?
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No friends.
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Waiters?
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No.
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Cabaret?
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No!
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You see, I like them, they help to flesh out
the scene, I could lose a few, you know I could...
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Look! There were only twelve disciples at...
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I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it
"The Last But One Supper"!
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What?
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Well there must have been one, if there was a
last one there must have been a one before that,
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so this, is the "Penultimate Supper"! The Bible
doesn't say how many people were there, now does it?
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No, but...
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Well there you are, then!
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00:08:56,962 --> 00:09:02,397
Look! The last supper is a significant event in
the life of our Lord, the penultimate supper was not!
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Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band.
Now, a last supper I commissioned from you,
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and a last supper I want! With twelve
disciples and one Christ!
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One?!
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Yes one!
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Now will you please tell me what in God's name
possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it?
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It works, mate!
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Works?
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00:09:26,313 --> 00:09:31,100
Yeah! It looks great! The fat one
balances the two skinny ones.
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00:09:31,350 --> 00:09:33,582
There was only one Redeemer!
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Ah, I know that, we all know that,
what about a bit of artistic license?
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A one Messiah is what I want!
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00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,800
I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want
a bloody photographer! That's you want.
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Not a bloody creative
artist to crease you up...
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I'll tell you what I want! I want a last
supper with one Christ, twelve disciples,
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no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by
Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!
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Bloody fascist!
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Look! I'm the bloody pope, I am! May not
know much about art, but I know what I like!
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00:10:05,023 --> 00:10:11,023
Never be rude to a polack...
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Hello, and welcome to Munich, for
the 27th Silly Olympiad,
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an event held traditionally every 3.7 years,
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which this year has brought together competitors
from over 4 million different countries.
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00:10:30,211 --> 00:10:32,187
And here we are at the start of the first
event of the afternoon:
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00:10:32,437 --> 00:10:36,683
the second semifinal of the 100 yards for
people with no sense of direction.
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00:10:36,933 --> 00:10:37,955
Aah, I'll just give you the competitors:
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lane one, Skolomovski of Poland; lane two,
Zatapatique of France;
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00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:43,988
lane three, Gropovich of the United States;
next to him, Drabble of Trinidad;
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00:10:44,238 --> 00:10:47,508
next to him, Fernandez of Spain; and in the
outside lane, Bormann of Brazil.
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Get set!
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00:10:51,980 --> 00:10:56,369
Well, that was fun, wasn't it? And now,
over to the other end of the stadium.
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00:10:56,619 --> 00:10:59,089
And here we're just waiting for the start
of the 1500 meters for the deaf.
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00:10:59,339 --> 00:11:01,914
And they're under starter's orders.
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00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:07,527
Well, we'll be coming back the moment there's
any action. And now over to the swimming.
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00:11:07,777 --> 00:11:11,005
And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool
just in time to see the start
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00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,537
of the 200 meters freestyle for non-swimmers.
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00:11:13,787 --> 00:11:18,837
Watch for the tough Australian champion
Ron Barnett in the second lane.
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00:11:27,505 --> 00:11:30,322
Well, we'll be bringing you back here the
moment they start fishing the corpses out.
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00:11:30,572 --> 00:11:34,371
But now over to Hans Clegg for the start
of the marathon for incontinents.
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00:11:34,621 --> 00:11:39,081
Well, we've got an enormous entry for this event:
44 competitors from 29 different countries,
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00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:44,226
all of them with the most superbly weak bladders.
Not a tight sphincter in sight.
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00:11:44,476 --> 00:11:49,115
Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's
longest race and they're just aching to go!
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00:11:49,365 --> 00:11:52,365
On your marks! Get set!
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00:11:52,615 --> 00:11:55,083
And they're off! They're off!
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00:11:57,134 --> 00:12:03,255
Well, back at the 1500 meters and the starter
is putting up a magnificent show!
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00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:07,072
We've had volleys, rapid bursts, scattered
random fire, fusillades firing,
157
00:12:07,322 --> 00:12:10,952
well and still he can't get the buggers moving.
It's enough to make you chew your own foot off!
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00:12:11,202 --> 00:12:14,638
And now the high jump! Katerina
Ovelenskij for the Soviet Union.
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00:12:14,888 --> 00:12:18,272
But what a jump! What a jump!
That's got to be a record!
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00:12:20,022 --> 00:12:23,860
And here we are at the 3000 meter steeplechase
for people who think they're chickens!
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00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,692
There's Samuelsson of the United States,
and over there is Klaus of East Germany!
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00:12:27,942 --> 00:12:30,176
He's been a Rhode Island Red now for
the last three olympics.
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00:12:30,426 --> 00:12:32,336
There's the referee trying to get them going,
but he's frightned them.
164
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:36,451
There's the leader, Abe Seagull of Canada
who went off, got a very good start,
165
00:12:36,701 --> 00:12:38,277
then settled down there on the water
jump, and has now gone broody.
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00:12:38,527 --> 00:12:41,708
Now we are back with the marathon for
incontinents once again.
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00:12:41,958 --> 00:12:46,163
There's Polinski of Poland in the lead,
and-and now Brewer of Australia is taking over!
168
00:12:46,413 --> 00:12:49,009
There's Laparche of France. Brewer has
overtaken him, but he's going to spend a penny.
169
00:12:49,259 --> 00:12:51,493
There goes Brewer to spend a penny.
And there goes K�nig of Austria.
170
00:12:51,743 --> 00:12:55,471
And so now it's Alvarez of Cuba, followed
by the plucky Norwegian, Bors.
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00:12:55,721 --> 00:12:57,914
They're in and out like yo-yos, these boys.
And there's MacNaughton -
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00:12:58,164 --> 00:12:59,750
MacNaughton the Scottish lad but he can't hold it.
173
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,143
It's Machievic, Machievic of Yugoslavia has
taken over; he can't hold it either.
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00:13:03,393 --> 00:13:06,933
Well, well, these must be some of the weakest
bladders ever to represent their countries!
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00:13:07,183 --> 00:13:13,233
And now, let's have a look back at
what's going on down on stage!
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00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:23,654
Good evening, ladies and bruces!
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00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:24,225
Hello, Bruce.
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00:13:24,475 --> 00:13:25,028
G'day, Bruce.
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00:13:25,487 --> 00:13:25,980
How are ya, Bruce.
180
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:27,520
What's all this lot, Bruce?
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00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:32,939
It's very nice to be here at the
Hollywood Bowl this evening!
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00:13:33,489 --> 00:13:37,919
We're all philosophy professors from the
University of Woolamaloa, Australia!
183
00:13:38,169 --> 00:13:42,388
Hey, Australia, Australia, Australia!
God love ya!
184
00:13:43,038 --> 00:13:46,920
I teach Hegelian philosophy, Bruce here
teaches Aristotolean philosophy,
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00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:48,600
and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep dip.
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00:13:50,350 --> 00:13:51,797
Bloody difficult work, I tell ya!
187
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:54,382
I'll tell you what, it's thirsty work
watching this kind of humor, Bruce.
188
00:13:54,632 --> 00:13:57,376
Why don't you just stick out a few of these
little free examples from your Esky and leave ----
189
00:13:57,626 --> 00:14:00,440
What, give these ---- give these
Americans our precious cans of ----
190
00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:01,828
See how awful they are, grasping and go-getting.
191
00:14:02,078 --> 00:14:03,032
Okay, one over there.
192
00:14:03,282 --> 00:14:05,865
You can feel morally superior and smug.
193
00:14:06,115 --> 00:14:08,598
Right, there's one coming right over there.
Mind out, charlies!
194
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,635
A big one, one big one, there we go!
195
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:14,693
All right! Now, the reason we do
this, ladies and bruces,
196
00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:20,842
is frankly over here we find your American
beer is a little like making love in a canoe!
197
00:14:22,892 --> 00:14:24,509
Making love in a canoe?
198
00:14:24,759 --> 00:14:27,318
It's fucking close to water!
199
00:14:27,568 --> 00:14:28,618
Piss!
200
00:14:31,947 --> 00:14:34,326
Well now, we're going to try and raise
the tone a little here by singing
201
00:14:34,576 --> 00:14:36,707
a nice intellectual song for for those
two or three of you in the audience...
202
00:14:36,957 --> 00:14:37,768
Right!
203
00:14:38,018 --> 00:14:41,217
...who understand these things. So, here we go!
204
00:14:42,167 --> 00:14:44,436
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
205
00:14:44,686 --> 00:14:46,552
Who was very rarely stable
206
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,456
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
207
00:14:48,706 --> 00:14:50,594
Who could think you under the table
208
00:14:50,844 --> 00:14:53,025
David Hume could out-consume
209
00:14:53,375 --> 00:14:55,278
Schopenhauer and Hegel
210
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:56,812
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
211
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:59,746
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
212
00:15:00,096 --> 00:15:03,745
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya
213
00:15:03,995 --> 00:15:06,337
'Bout the raising of the wrist
214
00:15:06,587 --> 00:15:11,736
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
215
00:15:11,986 --> 00:15:13,562
Just a...
216
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:14,985
How do you like that? All right!
217
00:15:15,235 --> 00:15:18,564
Let's hold it a second. I can see some of these
bruces are in a bit of a playful mood tonight.
218
00:15:18,814 --> 00:15:19,640
Ain't that, Bruce?
219
00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:22,115
Some of the ones that don't have
straws up their nose.
220
00:15:23,664 --> 00:15:25,625
Anyway, why don't we do something rather...
221
00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:31,741
Why don't we get some of these guys to sing along
with us? Okay, and some of the Shielas too.
222
00:15:32,991 --> 00:15:33,898
Ok, I've got the words somewhere.
223
00:15:34,148 --> 00:15:35,635
Right! Ready!
224
00:15:35,885 --> 00:15:38,342
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
225
00:15:38,592 --> 00:15:41,190
Who was very rarely stable
226
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,672
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy...
227
00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:46,043
They're a typical Hollywood audience!
228
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:50,787
All the kids are on drugs, and all the
adults are on roller skates!
229
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,322
Very philosophical, Bruce, I like it.
230
00:15:52,572 --> 00:15:54,931
Have we got any...have we got anything
bigger to put the words up
231
00:15:55,181 --> 00:15:59,629
for these rather shortsighted people?
232
00:16:01,479 --> 00:16:03,451
This is Bruce from the Biology Department.
233
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:07,648
All right. Okay, here we go.
234
00:16:07,898 --> 00:16:11,252
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
235
00:16:11,502 --> 00:16:13,498
Who was very rarely stable
236
00:16:13,607 --> 00:16:15,416
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
237
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,635
Who could take you under the table
238
00:16:18,485 --> 00:16:20,539
David Hume could out-consume
239
00:16:20,789 --> 00:16:22,869
Schopenhauer and Hegel
240
00:16:23,119 --> 00:16:24,736
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
241
00:16:24,986 --> 00:16:27,365
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
242
00:16:27,615 --> 00:16:31,116
There's nothing Nietszche couldn't teach ya
243
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,220
'Bout the raising of the wrist
244
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:40,060
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
245
00:16:41,510 --> 00:16:42,575
John Stuart Mill of his own free will
246
00:16:42,825 --> 00:16:45,423
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
247
00:16:45,673 --> 00:16:47,652
Plato they say could stick it away
248
00:16:47,902 --> 00:16:49,955
Half a crate of whiskey every day
249
00:16:50,205 --> 00:16:52,216
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
250
00:16:52,466 --> 00:16:54,442
Hobbes was fond of his Dram
251
00:16:54,692 --> 00:16:56,120
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
252
00:16:56,370 --> 00:16:59,659
"I drink, therefore I am !"
253
00:16:59,909 --> 00:17:06,191
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed
254
00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:07,471
A lovely little thinker
255
00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:09,092
But a bugger when he's pissed.
256
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,050
Good morning. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting,
257
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:33,340
but I'm afraid my walk has become rather sillier
recently, so it takes me longer to get to the office.
258
00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:35,420
Now, uhm, what was it again?
259
00:17:35,670 --> 00:17:41,440
Uh, well sir, I-I-I I have got a silly walk and
I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it.
260
00:17:41,690 --> 00:17:44,797
I see. Well, um, may I see this
silly walk of yours?
261
00:17:45,047 --> 00:17:47,097
Oh, yes, certainly.
262
00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:10,666
Yes, I see, tha-tha-that's it, is it?
263
00:18:10,916 --> 00:18:12,051
Ah, well, yes, that's it.
264
00:18:12,301 --> 00:18:15,866
Yes, yes, yes. It's not particularly
silly, is it?
265
00:18:16,365 --> 00:18:18,576
I mean, the left leg isn't silly
at all and the right leg
266
00:18:18,826 --> 00:18:21,248
merely does a forward aerial O'Brien
half turn every alternate step.
267
00:18:21,498 --> 00:18:24,469
Yes, but I feel with a federal
grant I could make it a lot more silly.
268
00:18:24,719 --> 00:18:28,729
Mr. Stagback, the very real
problem is one of finance.
269
00:18:28,979 --> 00:18:33,100
You see, there's defense, education, housing,
health, social security, silly walks.
270
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:34,952
They're all supposed to
get the same. But last year
271
00:18:35,202 --> 00:18:39,609
the government spent less on Silly Walks
than they did on industrial reorganisation.
272
00:18:39,859 --> 00:18:46,658
We're supposed to get 348 million pounds a year
to cover our entire Silly Walks programme. Coffee?
273
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:49,795
Yes, please.
274
00:18:53,894 --> 00:18:58,514
Hello, uh, Mrs. Twolumps, uhm, could
we have two cups of coffee, please.
275
00:18:58,764 --> 00:19:00,317
Yes, Mr. Teabag.
276
00:19:00,768 --> 00:19:02,748
Mad as a hatter. You see, the
Israelis already have a man
277
00:19:02,998 --> 00:19:05,736
who can take his own left leg off
and swallow it with every alternate step,
278
00:19:05,986 --> 00:19:11,036
whereas the Japanese, cunning
electronically obsessed little...
279
00:19:15,436 --> 00:19:20,039
Yes, thank you, Mrs. Twolumps.
280
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:22,375
You're...you're really interested
in silly walks, aren't you?
281
00:19:22,625 --> 00:19:24,163
Rather!
282
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,463
Right, well, take a look at this!
283
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,659
Oh, I've had a bitch of a morning
in the high court!
284
00:20:22,170 --> 00:20:25,715
Oh, I could stamp my little feet,
the way those counsellors carry on.
285
00:20:25,965 --> 00:20:27,248
Oh, don't I know it, love.
286
00:20:27,498 --> 00:20:33,652
Oh, dear, objection here, objection there.
And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well!
287
00:20:34,614 --> 00:20:35,757
Beautiful speaking voice.
288
00:20:36,007 --> 00:20:37,055
And what a body!
289
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:43,489
Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel.
290
00:20:43,739 --> 00:20:44,619
You what, love?
291
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:45,752
I banged me gavel!
292
00:20:46,002 --> 00:20:46,518
Oh, get away!
293
00:20:46,768 --> 00:20:47,962
I did!
294
00:20:48,776 --> 00:20:50,442
I did my "silence in court" bit.
295
00:20:51,332 --> 00:20:54,967
If looks could have killed, that prosecuting
counsel would have been in for thirty years.
296
00:20:55,785 --> 00:20:57,960
How did your summing-up go?
297
00:21:03,209 --> 00:21:05,918
Uh, actually, I did my butch voice, you know,
298
00:21:06,168 --> 00:21:08,686
"what the jury must understand",
and they loved it!
299
00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:12,429
I could see that little curly-headed
foreman of the jury eyeing me!
300
00:21:12,679 --> 00:21:13,053
Really?
301
00:21:13,303 --> 00:21:18,233
Oh, yeah. Cheeky devil! I finished up with,
I got really strict:
302
00:21:18,483 --> 00:21:22,834
"The actions of these vicious men are
a violent stain upon the community,
303
00:21:23,084 --> 00:21:27,594
and the full penalty of the law is scarcely
sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes!"
304
00:21:28,047 --> 00:21:30,132
And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha!
305
00:21:30,382 --> 00:21:30,934
You waggled you what?
306
00:21:31,184 --> 00:21:31,887
I waggled me wig!
307
00:21:32,137 --> 00:21:32,801
Really?
308
00:21:33,051 --> 00:21:34,552
That was the only thing I waggled.
309
00:21:34,802 --> 00:21:36,502
Ever so slightly, stunning effect.
310
00:21:36,752 --> 00:21:38,771
Anyway, I gave him three years.
He only took ten minutes.
311
00:21:39,021 --> 00:21:42,694
Ooh...well, as I said to Melvin
Belly the other day, you know:
312
00:21:42,944 --> 00:21:46,653
"You can put it in the hand of your attorneys,
but it'll never stand up in court!"
313
00:21:47,503 --> 00:21:48,553
Oh, I know what you mean.
314
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:11,165
Good evening. Tonight on World Forum we are
deeply privileged to have with us Karl Marx,
315
00:23:11,415 --> 00:23:15,465
the founder of modern socialism and
author of the Communist Manifesto;
316
00:23:17,692 --> 00:23:21,528
Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, better known
to the world as Lenin,
317
00:23:21,778 --> 00:23:26,454
leader of the Russian Revolution,
writer, statesman, and father of modern socialism;
318
00:23:26,704 --> 00:23:30,754
Che Guevara, the Bolivian guerilla leader;
319
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:37,350
and Mao Tse-tung, chairman of the Chinese
Communist Party since 1949.
320
00:23:37,869 --> 00:23:42,133
And the first question is for you,
Karl Marx. "The Hammers."
321
00:23:42,383 --> 00:23:46,483
"The Hammers" is the nickname of what
English football team?
322
00:23:53,049 --> 00:23:54,099
"The Hammers."
323
00:23:55,292 --> 00:23:56,492
No? Well, bad luck, Karl.
324
00:23:56,834 --> 00:23:59,612
It is, in fact, West Ham United.
325
00:24:00,162 --> 00:24:03,891
Now, Che Guevara. Che...
326
00:24:04,141 --> 00:24:08,191
Coventry City last won the English
Football Cup in what year?
327
00:24:12,643 --> 00:24:14,912
No? I can throw the question open.
Anybody else?
328
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:18,853
Coventry City last won the English
Football Cup in what year?
329
00:24:19,903 --> 00:24:22,866
No, well, I'm not surprised you didn't
get that. It is in fact a trick question.
330
00:24:23,116 --> 00:24:28,117
Coventry City have never won the
English Football Cup.
331
00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:31,404
So now with the scores all even,
it's on to Round 2,
332
00:24:31,654 --> 00:24:34,704
and Lenin, your starter for $10.
333
00:24:35,776 --> 00:24:41,583
Jerry Lee Lewis has had over 17 major
solid gold hits in the U.S. of A.
334
00:24:41,833 --> 00:24:43,833
What's the name of the biggest?
335
00:24:46,588 --> 00:24:49,288
Jerry Lee Lewis' solid gold biggie?
336
00:24:50,916 --> 00:24:52,416
No?
337
00:24:53,143 --> 00:24:54,098
Yes, Mao Tse-tung?
338
00:24:54,348 --> 00:24:55,887
"Great Balls of Fire?"
339
00:24:56,137 --> 00:24:58,137
Yes, it was indeed!
340
00:25:01,923 --> 00:25:02,923
Very well challenged.
341
00:25:03,508 --> 00:25:08,329
Well, now we come on to our third round.
Our contestant tonight is Karl Marx
342
00:25:08,579 --> 00:25:14,387
and our special prize is this
beautiful lounge suite!
343
00:25:14,637 --> 00:25:18,530
Uh, Karl has elected to answer questions
on workers' control of factories,
344
00:25:18,780 --> 00:25:21,257
so here we go with question number one.
You, nervous, Karl?
345
00:25:21,657 --> 00:25:24,392
Just a little. Well, never mind, Karl, have a go!
346
00:25:25,292 --> 00:25:30,846
The development of the industrial proletariat
is conditioned by what other development?
347
00:25:31,096 --> 00:25:33,398
The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.
348
00:25:33,648 --> 00:25:39,819
Good! Yes, it is indeed! Well done, Karl!
You're on your way to your lounge suite!
349
00:25:40,069 --> 00:25:46,606
Now Karl, number two. The struggle of class
against class is a what struggle?
350
00:25:46,856 --> 00:25:48,029
A political struggle.
351
00:25:48,279 --> 00:25:50,279
Good! Yes, it is indeed.
352
00:25:50,999 --> 00:25:52,968
Well done, Karl! One final question,
353
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:57,135
and that beautiful non-materialistic
lounge suite will be yours!
354
00:25:58,134 --> 00:26:00,822
Ready, Karl? You're a brave man.
Your final question:
355
00:26:01,072 --> 00:26:04,144
Who won the English Football Cup in 1949?
356
00:26:05,943 --> 00:26:10,038
Uhuh, the workers control the means of production?
The-the struggle of the urban proletariat?
357
00:26:10,288 --> 00:26:13,685
Uh, no, it was Wolverhampton Wanderers
who beat Leicester 3-1.
358
00:26:13,935 --> 00:26:14,985
Oh, shit!
359
00:26:16,655 --> 00:26:17,855
Get out of here!
360
00:26:20,026 --> 00:26:24,026
Well, no one leaves this show empty-handed,
so we're gonna cut off his hands.
361
00:26:26,196 --> 00:26:29,085
Well, now it's talent spotting time,
ladies and gentlemen,
362
00:26:29,335 --> 00:26:33,208
and please see if you can spot any
talent in our next competitors.
363
00:26:33,458 --> 00:26:39,508
Will you please give a very big hand and
a warm welcome to Carl Weetabix and Rita!
364
00:26:46,263 --> 00:26:49,517
I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I've got speed,
365
00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:52,730
I've got everything I need.
366
00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:55,601
I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I can fly,
367
00:26:55,851 --> 00:26:58,632
I'm a supersonic guy
368
00:26:59,732 --> 00:27:03,604
I don't need pleasure, I don't feel pain,
369
00:27:03,854 --> 00:27:07,144
If you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again
370
00:27:07,394 --> 00:27:10,940
I'm the urban spaceman, baby, I'm making out,
371
00:27:11,190 --> 00:27:14,223
I'm all about
372
00:27:14,473 --> 00:27:17,836
I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face
373
00:27:18,086 --> 00:27:21,451
My natural exuberance spills out all over the place
374
00:27:21,701 --> 00:27:24,953
I'm the urban spaceman, I'm intelligent and clean,
375
00:27:25,203 --> 00:27:28,638
Know what I mean?
376
00:27:28,888 --> 00:27:32,214
I'm the urban spaceman, as a lover, second to none,
377
00:27:32,464 --> 00:27:35,682
It's a lot of fun
378
00:27:35,932 --> 00:27:39,296
I never let my friends down, I could have made a boob
379
00:27:39,546 --> 00:27:42,835
I'm a glossy magazine, an advert on the tube
380
00:27:43,085 --> 00:27:46,375
I'm the urban spaceman, baby, here comes the twist
381
00:27:46,625 --> 00:27:49,675
I don't exist.
382
00:28:18,294 --> 00:28:19,029
Mr. Hilton?
383
00:28:19,279 --> 00:28:20,016
Ah, yes.
384
00:28:20,266 --> 00:28:23,627
You are sole proprietor and owner
of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
385
00:28:23,877 --> 00:28:25,927
I am.
386
00:28:28,256 --> 00:28:30,709
Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad...
387
00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:31,767
Oh, yes.
388
00:28:32,017 --> 00:28:35,603
...and we'd like to have a word with you
about your box of chocolates entitled
389
00:28:35,853 --> 00:28:36,657
"The Whizzo Quality Assortment."
390
00:28:36,907 --> 00:28:37,680
Ah, good, yes.
391
00:28:37,930 --> 00:28:41,984
If I may begin at the beginning.
First, there is the Cherry Fondue.
392
00:28:42,234 --> 00:28:46,656
Now this is extremely nasty, but we
can't prosecute you for that!
393
00:28:46,906 --> 00:28:48,228
Agreed.
394
00:28:48,478 --> 00:28:51,037
Next we have number four, "Crunchy Frog."
395
00:28:51,287 --> 00:28:53,173
Ah, yes.
396
00:28:53,423 --> 00:28:55,473
Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
397
00:28:56,402 --> 00:28:57,718
Yes, a little one.
398
00:28:57,968 --> 00:28:58,816
Is it cooked?
399
00:28:59,066 --> 00:28:59,796
No.
400
00:29:00,046 --> 00:29:01,657
What? A raw frog?
401
00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:06,329
We use only the finest baby frogs,
dew picked and flown from Iraq,
402
00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:09,833
cleansed in the finest quality
spring water, lightly killed,
403
00:29:10,083 --> 00:29:14,250
and sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple-smooth
full-cream treble milk chocolate envelope,
404
00:29:14,500 --> 00:29:16,951
and lovingly frosted with glucose!
405
00:29:17,201 --> 00:29:19,871
That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
406
00:29:20,121 --> 00:29:21,186
What else would it be?
407
00:29:21,436 --> 00:29:23,413
What! Don't you even take the bones out?
408
00:29:23,663 --> 00:29:26,713
If we took the bones out,
it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
409
00:29:30,084 --> 00:29:33,083
Constable Parrot ate one of those!
410
00:29:33,333 --> 00:29:34,284
Would you excuse me for a moment, sir?
411
00:29:34,534 --> 00:29:35,309
Yes.
412
00:29:35,559 --> 00:29:38,410
Well, it says "Crunchy Frog" quite clearly.
413
00:29:38,660 --> 00:29:40,708
Well, never mind that. We have
to protect the public.
414
00:29:40,958 --> 00:29:43,263
People aren't going to think there's
a real frog in chocolate.
415
00:29:43,513 --> 00:29:47,385
The superintendent thought it was an Almond Whirl.
They're bound to think it's some kind of mock frog.
416
00:29:47,635 --> 00:29:53,333
Mock frog?! We use no artificial preservatives
or additives of any kind!
417
00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:57,093
Nevertheless, I advise you to in future
to replace the words "Crunchy Frog"
418
00:29:57,343 --> 00:30:03,550
with the legend "Crunchy, raw, unboned,
real, dead frog" if you want to avoid prosecution.
419
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:04,865
What about our sales?
420
00:30:05,115 --> 00:30:07,749
I don't give a damn about your sales.
We have to protect the public!
421
00:30:07,999 --> 00:30:10,276
Now, what was this one? Number five.
It was number five, wasn't it?
422
00:30:11,076 --> 00:30:13,826
Number five: "Ram's Bladder Cup!"
423
00:30:18,515 --> 00:30:21,103
Now what kind of confection is this?
424
00:30:21,353 --> 00:30:25,517
We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh
Cornish ram's bladder,
425
00:30:25,767 --> 00:30:32,156
emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds,
whipped into a fondue, and garnished with larks' vomit!
426
00:30:32,406 --> 00:30:33,436
Larks' vomit?
427
00:30:33,686 --> 00:30:35,006
Correct.
428
00:30:35,256 --> 00:30:37,924
It doesn't say anything down here
about larks' vomit!
429
00:30:38,174 --> 00:30:42,224
Ah, yes, it does, on the bottom of
the box, after monosodium glutamate.
430
00:30:43,976 --> 00:30:48,726
I hardly think this is good enough! It would be
more appropriate if the box bore a big red label.
431
00:30:48,976 --> 00:30:51,102
"Warning: Larks' Vomit!"
432
00:30:51,352 --> 00:30:52,781
Our sales would plummet!
433
00:30:53,031 --> 00:30:56,685
Well, why don't you move into more
conventional areas of confectionery,
434
00:30:56,935 --> 00:31:01,431
like praline or lime cream, a very popular flavor
I'm led to understand, or Strawberry Delight?
435
00:31:01,681 --> 00:31:07,987
I mean, what's this one? "Cockroach Cluster?"
And this, "Anthrax Ripple?"
436
00:31:27,487 --> 00:31:30,509
And what's this one, "Spring Surprise?"
437
00:31:30,759 --> 00:31:34,134
Aaah, that's our speciality! Covered in
darkest, velvety smooth chocolate,
438
00:31:34,384 --> 00:31:40,284
when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel
bolts spring out and punch straight through both cheeks!
439
00:31:43,018 --> 00:31:48,314
If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth
they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!
440
00:31:48,564 --> 00:31:52,182
In any case, it is an inadequate
description of the sweetmeat!
441
00:31:52,432 --> 00:31:54,106
I shall have to ask you to accompany
me to the station.
442
00:31:54,356 --> 00:31:55,459
It's a fair cop.
443
00:31:55,709 --> 00:31:57,759
And don't talk to the audience!
444
00:32:16,971 --> 00:32:20,826
Intermission
445
00:32:21,975 --> 00:32:30,025
Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!
446
00:32:35,528 --> 00:32:38,528
You're not supposed to be smoking that!
447
00:32:40,564 --> 00:32:42,564
Albatross! Don't take them!
448
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,436
What flavor is it? What flavor is it?
449
00:32:45,686 --> 00:32:50,686
Seagullsickle! Pelican-bonbon!
450
00:32:53,075 --> 00:32:54,225
Albatross!
451
00:32:54,863 --> 00:32:57,136
Could I have... Could I have
two ice creams, please?
452
00:32:57,386 --> 00:33:00,528
I haven't got any ice creams,
I just got this albatross!
453
00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:01,660
Albatross!
454
00:33:01,910 --> 00:33:02,960
Uh, what flavor is it?
455
00:33:04,573 --> 00:33:10,089
Well, it's an albatross, isn't it?
It's not any bloody flavor! Albatross!
456
00:33:10,339 --> 00:33:12,277
There's gotta be some flavor,
I mean everything's got a flavor...
457
00:33:12,527 --> 00:33:15,489
All right, all right!
It's bloody albatross flavor!
458
00:33:15,739 --> 00:33:20,817
Bleedin' seabird, bleedin' flavor!
Albatross!
459
00:33:21,067 --> 00:33:21,987
Do you get wafers with it?
460
00:33:22,237 --> 00:33:24,576
Of course you don't get fucking
wafers with it, you cunt!
461
00:33:24,826 --> 00:33:26,801
It's a fucking albatross, I mean...
462
00:33:27,051 --> 00:33:33,001
Stop that! Stop that! It's filthy!
Hold on! Right now, we need you!
463
00:33:33,251 --> 00:33:36,436
The one in the black, we need
you for another skit on stage.
464
00:33:36,686 --> 00:33:38,371
And you, get off! You're not
even a proper woman!
465
00:33:38,621 --> 00:33:39,976
Don't you oppress me, mate!
466
00:33:40,226 --> 00:33:42,384
What are you trying to do?
Avoid registration or something?
467
00:33:42,634 --> 00:33:43,990
Bleedin' sexist!
468
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:49,426
Come along, we need you for a skit!
No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do.
469
00:33:49,676 --> 00:33:52,128
Except perhaps for my wife
and some of her friends.
470
00:33:52,378 --> 00:33:53,443
Oh, yes, and Captain Johnson.
471
00:33:53,693 --> 00:33:56,924
Come to think of it, most people enjoy a good
laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point.
472
00:33:57,174 --> 00:34:00,961
Right! Let's get on with this skit!
Where's the other person for this skit?
473
00:34:01,211 --> 00:34:07,227
Right, you want to sit in that chair?
And... cue... the... skit!
474
00:34:07,534 --> 00:34:08,836
Evening, squire!
475
00:34:09,786 --> 00:34:11,836
Good evening.
476
00:34:14,369 --> 00:34:20,408
Is your...is your wife a goer? Eh? Know what I mean?
Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more!
477
00:34:22,958 --> 00:34:24,277
I-I...I beg your pardon?
478
00:34:24,527 --> 00:34:28,838
Your...your wife. Does she go, eh?
Does she go, eh? Eh?
479
00:34:29,088 --> 00:34:32,070
Huh, sometimes she has to go, yes.
480
00:34:32,521 --> 00:34:37,597
I bet she does! I bet she does! Say no more!
Say no more! Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge!
481
00:34:38,396 --> 00:34:39,751
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you...
482
00:34:40,001 --> 00:34:46,038
Oh, "follow me, follow me"? That's good, that's very good!
A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!
483
00:34:47,188 --> 00:34:48,289
Are...are you selling something?
484
00:34:48,539 --> 00:34:58,406
"Selling, selling"...very good indeed! You're wicked,
you are, eh? Wicked, eh? Ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Wicked! Say no more!
485
00:35:01,734 --> 00:35:05,255
Whoa! So your wife's interested in...
in sport? Eh?
486
00:35:05,505 --> 00:35:06,969
Ah, she likes sport, yes.
487
00:35:07,219 --> 00:35:10,400
I bet she does! I bet she does!
488
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,664
As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket.
489
00:35:12,914 --> 00:35:15,524
She likes "games", eh? Likes "games"?
490
00:35:15,774 --> 00:35:18,326
Knew she would, she's been around a bit, eh?
She's been around?
491
00:35:18,826 --> 00:35:20,673
Well, she has travelled, yes.
She's from Glendale.
492
00:35:27,924 --> 00:35:29,924
Say no more!
493
00:35:33,664 --> 00:35:37,714
Glendale, squire? Say no more!
Say no more! Say no more! Say no more!
494
00:35:41,405 --> 00:35:48,405
Whoa! Is your...is your Glendale wife
interested in...photography? Eh? Eh? Eh?
495
00:35:48,311 --> 00:35:49,666
Photography?
496
00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:53,460
"Photographs, eh?" he asked him knowingly!
497
00:35:53,710 --> 00:35:54,376
Photography?
498
00:35:54,626 --> 00:35:57,914
Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink,
nudge, nudge, say no more!
499
00:35:58,164 --> 00:35:59,155
Sort of...holiday snaps, eh?
500
00:35:59,405 --> 00:36:01,163
They could be, they could be taken
on holiday, you know!
501
00:36:01,413 --> 00:36:04,815
Swimming costumes, candid...you know,
"candid" photography?
502
00:36:05,065 --> 00:36:06,782
No, we don't have a camera!
503
00:36:07,032 --> 00:36:16,195
Ah. Still, whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaah! Eh?
Whoahaah! Eh? Whoahaahaha! Huhuh!
504
00:36:16,445 --> 00:36:19,022
Look, are you insinuating something?
505
00:36:20,021 --> 00:36:22,021
Oh, no, no, no...
506
00:36:22,776 --> 00:36:23,976
yes!
507
00:36:25,532 --> 00:36:26,195
Well?
508
00:36:26,445 --> 00:36:31,157
Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, squire,
you know...you're...you've been around, you know?
509
00:36:31,407 --> 00:36:33,054
What do you mean?
510
00:36:33,304 --> 00:36:40,804
Well, I mean, like, you've...you know, you...like...
you've done it, you know...you've slept...with a lady?
511
00:36:44,471 --> 00:36:45,882
Yes.
512
00:36:46,132 --> 00:36:48,182
What's it like?
513
00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:55,436
Good afternoon, and welcome to
a packed Olympic stadium,
514
00:36:55,686 --> 00:36:58,192
M�nchen, for the second leg of
this exciting final.
515
00:36:58,442 --> 00:37:02,148
GERMANY VS. GREECE
516
00:37:02,398 --> 00:37:05,651
And here come the Germans now,
led by their skipper "Nobby" Hegel.
517
00:37:05,901 --> 00:37:07,621
They must surely start favorites this afternoon.
518
00:37:07,871 --> 00:37:11,051
They've certainly attracted the most attention
from the press with their team problems.
519
00:37:11,301 --> 00:37:13,679
And let's now see their line-up :
520
00:37:13,929 --> 00:37:16,671
The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal,
521
00:37:16,921 --> 00:37:18,860
back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer, and Schelling,
522
00:37:19,110 --> 00:37:21,420
front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein,
Nietzsche, and Heidegger,
523
00:37:21,670 --> 00:37:23,761
and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.
524
00:37:24,011 --> 00:37:26,722
Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there.
525
00:37:28,822 --> 00:37:33,457
And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran
centre half Herakleitos. Let's look at their team :
526
00:37:33,707 --> 00:37:35,611
As you'd expect, it's a much more
defensive line-up.
527
00:37:35,861 --> 00:37:38,872
Plato's in goal, Socrates a front
runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper.
528
00:37:39,122 --> 00:37:44,510
Aristotle, very much the man in form.
One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.
529
00:37:47,710 --> 00:37:51,529
Well, here comes the referee: K'ung fu-tsze
(Confucius) and his two linesmen,
530
00:37:51,879 --> 00:37:53,527
St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas.
531
00:37:53,777 --> 00:37:57,687
And as the two skippers come together to
shake hands we're ready for the start
532
00:37:57,937 --> 00:38:02,977
of this very exciting final.. The referee,
Mr. Confucius, checks his sand...and...
533
00:38:03,227 --> 00:38:04,257
...they're off!
534
00:38:04,507 --> 00:38:08,344
Nietzsche and Hegel there, Karl Jaspers
number 7 on the outside,
535
00:38:08,594 --> 00:38:13,162
Wittgenstein there with him. There's
Beckenbauer, Schelling's in there,
536
00:38:13,412 --> 00:38:20,239
Heidegger covering, Schopenhauer. And now it's
the Greeks. Epikuros, Plotinus number six,
537
00:38:20,489 --> 00:38:24,070
Aristotle, Empedokles of Acraga,
and Demokrites with him.
538
00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:35,198
There's Archimedes, Socrates, there he is, Socrates,
Socrates there going through... There's the ball, there's the ball!
539
00:38:35,448 --> 00:38:40,498
We'll be bringing you back to this exciting
contest the moment anything interesting happens.
540
00:38:49,822 --> 00:38:52,819
Very passable, this, eh? Very passable.
541
00:38:53,069 --> 00:38:54,717
Nothing like a good glass of
Ch�teau de Chasselet, eh, Josiah?
542
00:38:54,967 --> 00:38:57,343
Oh, you're right there, Obadiah.
543
00:38:57,593 --> 00:39:04,457
Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd
all be sitting here drinking Ch�teau de Chaselet, eh?
544
00:39:04,707 --> 00:39:06,903
Them days we were glad to have
the price of a cup of tea.
545
00:39:07,153 --> 00:39:08,983
Ay! A cup of cold tea!
546
00:39:09,233 --> 00:39:10,369
Without milk or sugar!
547
00:39:10,619 --> 00:39:12,565
Or tea!
548
00:39:12,815 --> 00:39:14,676
In a cracked cup and all.
549
00:39:14,926 --> 00:39:19,572
Oh, we never used to have a cup! We used
to have to drink out of a rolled-up newspaper!
550
00:39:19,822 --> 00:39:23,288
The best we could manage was to
suck on a piece of damp cloth.
551
00:39:23,538 --> 00:39:26,426
But you know, we were happy in
those days, although we were poor.
552
00:39:26,676 --> 00:39:28,287
Because we were poor!
553
00:39:28,537 --> 00:39:31,351
My old dad used to say to me:
"Money doesn't bring you happiness, son!"
554
00:39:31,601 --> 00:39:32,702
He was right!
555
00:39:32,952 --> 00:39:36,352
I was happier then and I had nothing!
We used to live in this
556
00:39:36,602 --> 00:39:40,584
tiny old tumble-down house with
great big holes in the roof.
557
00:39:40,834 --> 00:39:44,236
House! You were lucky to live in a house!
We used to live in one room,
558
00:39:44,486 --> 00:39:47,173
all twenty-six of us, no furniture,
half the floor was missing,
559
00:39:47,423 --> 00:39:49,938
we were all huddled together in
one corner for fear of falling.
560
00:39:50,938 --> 00:39:53,839
You were lucky to have a room! We used
to have to live in the corridor!
561
00:39:54,089 --> 00:40:00,303
Oh, we used to dream of living in a corridor!
Would have been a palace to us!
562
00:40:00,553 --> 00:40:04,005
We used to live in an old water
tank on a rubbish tip.
563
00:40:04,955 --> 00:40:10,396
We got woke up every morning by having a
load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House, huh!
564
00:40:10,646 --> 00:40:14,045
Well, when I say "house", it was
just a hole in the ground,
565
00:40:14,295 --> 00:40:18,206
covered by a sheet of tarpaulin,
but it was a house to us!
566
00:40:18,456 --> 00:40:23,898
We were evicted from our hole in the ground.
We had to go and live in a lake!
567
00:40:24,698 --> 00:40:30,594
You were lucky to have a lake! There were 150
of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road!
568
00:40:32,794 --> 00:40:33,686
A cardboard box?
569
00:40:33,936 --> 00:40:40,311
You were lucky! We lived for three months
in a rolled-up newspaper in a septic tank!
570
00:40:41,261 --> 00:40:44,293
We used to have to get up every morning,
at six o'clock and clean the newspaper,
571
00:40:44,543 --> 00:40:47,575
go to work down the mill, fourteen
hours a day, week in, week out,
572
00:40:47,825 --> 00:40:53,243
for sixpence a week, and when we got home,
our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!
573
00:40:54,393 --> 00:40:59,288
Luxury! We used to have to get out of the
lake at three o'clock in the morning,
574
00:40:59,538 --> 00:41:02,899
clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel,
work twenty hours a day at mill,
575
00:41:03,149 --> 00:41:05,235
for twopence a month, come home,
and dad would beat us around the head
576
00:41:05,485 --> 00:41:08,101
and neck with a broken bottle,
if we were lucky!
577
00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:14,210
Well, of course, we had it tough! We used
to have to get up out of the shoebox
578
00:41:14,460 --> 00:41:18,846
in the middle of the night, and lick
the road clean with our tongues!
579
00:41:19,096 --> 00:41:23,406
We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold
gravel, work twenty-four hours a day at mill
580
00:41:23,656 --> 00:41:29,170
for fourpence every six years, and when we got home,
our dad would slice us in two with a breadknife!
581
00:41:29,420 --> 00:41:32,804
Right! I had to get up in the morning,
at ten o'clock at night,
582
00:41:33,054 --> 00:41:38,875
half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump
of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day
583
00:41:39,125 --> 00:41:41,064
down mill and pay mill-owner for permission
to come to work, and when we got home,
584
00:41:41,314 --> 00:41:46,031
our dad would kill us and dance about on our
graves, singing Hallelujah!
585
00:41:48,831 --> 00:41:52,785
Oh, ay. And you try and tell the young people
of today that, and they won't believe you!
586
00:41:53,035 --> 00:41:54,085
No, no they won't!
587
00:41:56,824 --> 00:41:58,903
Sports Update
588
00:41:59,153 --> 00:42:02,383
Well, there may be no score, but there's
certainly no lack of excitement here.
589
00:42:02,633 --> 00:42:05,958
As you can see, Nietzsche has just been
booked for arguing with the referee.
590
00:42:06,208 --> 00:42:10,471
He accused Confucius of having no free will,
and Confucius he say, "Name go in book."
591
00:42:10,721 --> 00:42:13,892
And this is Nietzsche's third
booking in four games.
592
00:42:14,492 --> 00:42:17,631
And, who's that? It's Karl Marx.
Karl Marx is warming up.
593
00:42:17,881 --> 00:42:20,490
It looks as though there's going to be a
substitution on the German side.
594
00:42:20,740 --> 00:42:25,280
Obviously manager Martin Luther has decided
on all-out attack, as indeed he must,
595
00:42:25,530 --> 00:42:28,180
with only two minutes of the match to go.
But the big question is:
596
00:42:28,830 --> 00:42:31,645
Who is he going to replace? Who is
going to come off? It could be Jaspers,
597
00:42:31,895 --> 00:42:33,567
Hegel or Schopenhauer.
But it's Wittgenstein! Wittgenstein,
598
00:42:33,817 --> 00:42:35,585
who saw his aunty only last week!
And here's Marx!
599
00:42:35,835 --> 00:42:37,963
Let's see if he can put some life into
this German attack.
600
00:42:38,713 --> 00:42:42,559
Evidently not. What a shame. Well, now,
with just over a minute left,
601
00:42:42,809 --> 00:42:44,776
a replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital.
602
00:42:45,026 --> 00:42:47,994
There's Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea!
603
00:42:48,244 --> 00:42:49,837
Heureka!
604
00:42:50,987 --> 00:42:56,509
Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back
to Archimedes, Archimedes out to Herakleitos,
605
00:42:56,859 --> 00:43:00,402
he beats Hegel, Herakleitos, a little flick,
here he comes on the far post,
606
00:43:00,652 --> 00:43:03,288
Socrates is there! Socrates heads it in!
Socrates has scored!
607
00:43:03,538 --> 00:43:07,521
The Greeks are going mad! The Greeks
are going mad, Socrates scores,
608
00:43:07,771 --> 00:43:10,039
what a beautiful cross from Archimedes!
The Germans are disputing it.
609
00:43:10,289 --> 00:43:13,814
Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a
priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics;
610
00:43:14,064 --> 00:43:18,391
Kant, via the categorical imperative, is holding
that ontologically it exists only in the imagination;
611
00:43:18,641 --> 00:43:20,157
and Marx is claiming it was offside.
612
00:43:20,507 --> 00:43:24,270
But Confucius has answered them with
the final whistle! It's all over!
613
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:27,263
Germany, having trounced England's famous
midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes
614
00:43:27,513 --> 00:43:30,565
in the semi-final, have been beaten by
the odd goal, and let's see it again.
615
00:43:31,615 --> 00:43:34,837
There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads
in and Leibniz doesn't have a chance.
616
00:43:35,087 --> 00:43:38,469
And just look at those delighted Greeks.
617
00:43:38,819 --> 00:43:43,495
There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles,
Empedokles of Acragus, what a game he had.
618
00:43:43,745 --> 00:43:47,137
And Epikuros is there, and
Socrates, the captain,
619
00:43:47,387 --> 00:43:51,437
who scored what was probably the most
important goal of his career.
620
00:44:02,581 --> 00:44:04,337
Good afternoon, sir. May I help you?
621
00:44:04,587 --> 00:44:07,637
Yes, I'd like to have an argument, please.
622
00:44:12,139 --> 00:44:14,443
Certainly, sir. Uhm, have you
been here before?
623
00:44:14,693 --> 00:44:16,194
Ah, no, this is my first time.
624
00:44:16,444 --> 00:44:21,192
I see. Well, do you want to have just one
argument or were you thinking of taking a course?
625
00:44:21,442 --> 00:44:23,164
Well, uh, what is the cost?
626
00:44:23,414 --> 00:44:28,271
Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument,
but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
627
00:44:28,521 --> 00:44:30,645
Well, I think I'll just try the one and
see how it goes from there.
628
00:44:30,895 --> 00:44:34,511
Fine. Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, Room 12.
629
00:44:34,761 --> 00:44:36,811
Thank you very much.
630
00:44:39,904 --> 00:44:40,485
What do you want?
631
00:44:40,735 --> 00:44:41,607
Well, I was told outside that...
632
00:44:41,857 --> 00:44:43,955
Don't give me that, you snotty-faced
heap of parrot droppings!
633
00:44:44,205 --> 00:44:44,477
What?!
634
00:44:44,727 --> 00:44:50,734
Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type make me
puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!
635
00:44:51,284 --> 00:44:52,675
Listen, I came here for an argument!
636
00:44:52,925 --> 00:44:54,975
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse!
637
00:44:55,225 --> 00:44:56,910
Oh, oh, I see!
638
00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:57,858
Terribly sorry.
639
00:44:58,108 --> 00:44:59,355
No, you want Room 12A, next door.
640
00:44:59,605 --> 00:45:01,072
Oh, I see. Thank you very much.
641
00:45:01,322 --> 00:45:02,372
Not at all.
642
00:45:04,240 --> 00:45:05,290
Stupid git...
643
00:45:07,706 --> 00:45:10,593
Uh, is this the right room for an argument?
644
00:45:10,843 --> 00:45:12,675
I've told you once.
645
00:45:12,925 --> 00:45:14,097
Uh, no, you haven't.
646
00:45:14,347 --> 00:45:14,973
Yes, I have.
647
00:45:15,223 --> 00:45:15,288
When?
648
00:45:15,538 --> 00:45:16,282
Just now.
649
00:45:16,532 --> 00:45:16,939
No, you didn't.
650
00:45:17,189 --> 00:45:17,889
Yes, I did.
651
00:45:18,139 --> 00:45:18,546
You didn't!
652
00:45:18,796 --> 00:45:18,830
I did.
653
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:19,116
No, you didn't!
654
00:45:19,366 --> 00:45:20,356
I'm telling you I did!
655
00:45:20,606 --> 00:45:21,393
You most certainly did not!
656
00:45:21,643 --> 00:45:23,345
Ah, one moment, is this the five-minute
argument or the full half hour?
657
00:45:23,595 --> 00:45:25,645
Oh, oh, I see. Just the five minutes.
658
00:45:25,895 --> 00:45:29,107
Just the five minutes... Right,
thank you. Anyway, I did.
659
00:45:29,807 --> 00:45:30,702
Oh, no, you didn't.
660
00:45:30,952 --> 00:45:33,123
Now let's get one thing absolutely clear.
I most definitely told you.
661
00:45:33,373 --> 00:45:33,990
No, you didn't.
662
00:45:34,240 --> 00:45:34,548
Yes, I did.
663
00:45:34,798 --> 00:45:35,158
No, you didn't.
664
00:45:35,408 --> 00:45:35,798
Yes, I did.
665
00:45:36,048 --> 00:45:36,548
No, you didn't.
666
00:45:36,798 --> 00:45:42,095
- Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did.
- No you didn't.- Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No you didn't. - Yes, I did.
667
00:45:42,345 --> 00:45:43,102
Oh, look, this isn't an argument!
668
00:45:43,702 --> 00:45:44,137
Yes, it is!
669
00:45:44,387 --> 00:45:46,496
No, it isn't! It's just contradiction!
670
00:45:46,746 --> 00:45:46,800
No, it isn't!
671
00:45:47,050 --> 00:45:47,112
It is!
672
00:45:47,362 --> 00:45:47,543
It is not!
673
00:45:47,793 --> 00:45:48,610
It is! You just contradicted me!
674
00:45:48,860 --> 00:45:48,885
I did not!
675
00:45:49,135 --> 00:45:49,374
You did!
676
00:45:49,624 --> 00:45:49,756
No, no, no!
677
00:45:50,006 --> 00:45:50,519
You did just then!
678
00:45:50,769 --> 00:45:51,129
Nonsense!
679
00:45:51,379 --> 00:45:52,423
Oh, this is futile!
680
00:45:54,273 --> 00:45:54,823
No, it isn't.
681
00:45:55,832 --> 00:45:58,723
Yes, it is. I came here for a good argument.
682
00:45:58,973 --> 00:46:00,448
No, you didn't. You came here for an argument.
683
00:46:00,698 --> 00:46:02,308
Yes, but argument isn't just contradiction!
684
00:46:02,558 --> 00:46:04,099
Well, can be.
685
00:46:04,349 --> 00:46:07,168
No, an argument is a connected series of
statements intended to establish a proposition.
686
00:46:07,418 --> 00:46:07,731
No, it isn't!
687
00:46:07,981 --> 00:46:09,869
Yes, it is! It isn't just contradiction!
688
00:46:10,119 --> 00:46:13,871
Look, if I argue with you,
I must take up a contrary position.
689
00:46:14,121 --> 00:46:16,219
Yes, but that isn't just saying
"No, it isn't!"
690
00:46:16,469 --> 00:46:16,932
Yes, it is!
691
00:46:17,482 --> 00:46:17,567
No, it isn't!
692
00:46:17,817 --> 00:46:17,934
Yes, it is!
693
00:46:18,184 --> 00:46:18,368
No, it isn't!
694
00:46:18,618 --> 00:46:18,729
Yes, it is!
695
00:46:18,979 --> 00:46:19,132
No, it isn't!
696
00:46:19,382 --> 00:46:19,600
Yes, it is! - No, it isn't. -Yes, it is.
697
00:46:19,850 --> 00:46:23,641
Argument is an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just a automatic gain-saying
698
00:46:23,891 --> 00:46:24,980
of anything the other person says!
699
00:46:25,230 --> 00:46:25,611
It is not!
700
00:46:25,861 --> 00:46:25,987
It is!
701
00:46:26,237 --> 00:46:26,500
Not at all!
702
00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:27,376
Now look...
703
00:46:27,626 --> 00:46:29,773
Thank you! Good morning!
704
00:46:30,923 --> 00:46:32,361
What?
705
00:46:33,111 --> 00:46:34,541
That's it! Good morning!
706
00:46:34,791 --> 00:46:35,599
I was just getting interested!
707
00:46:35,849 --> 00:46:38,068
Uh, I'm sorry, the five minutes is up!
708
00:46:38,318 --> 00:46:39,212
That was never five minutes, just now!
709
00:46:39,462 --> 00:46:40,563
I'm afraid it was.
710
00:46:40,813 --> 00:46:42,738
Oh, no, it wasn't.
711
00:46:45,338 --> 00:46:47,267
I'm sorry, I'm...I'm not allowed
to argue anymore.
712
00:46:47,517 --> 00:46:47,783
What?
713
00:46:48,033 --> 00:46:50,526
If you want me to go on arguing,
you'll have to pay for another five minute.
714
00:46:50,776 --> 00:46:53,826
But that was never five minutes, just now!
715
00:46:56,104 --> 00:46:59,905
Oh, come on! Oh, this is ridiculous!
716
00:47:00,155 --> 00:47:04,173
If you want me to go on arguing,
you'll have to pay for another five minutes!
717
00:47:04,423 --> 00:47:07,365
Oh, all right. Here you are.
718
00:47:08,515 --> 00:47:10,069
Thank you.
719
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:12,647
Well?
720
00:47:13,947 --> 00:47:14,683
Well what?
721
00:47:14,933 --> 00:47:15,892
That was never five minutes, just now!
722
00:47:16,142 --> 00:47:19,026
I told you, if you want me to go on arguing,
you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
723
00:47:19,276 --> 00:47:21,192
Yes, yes, well, I've just paid!
724
00:47:21,542 --> 00:47:23,149
No, you didn't!
725
00:47:23,399 --> 00:47:23,698
I did!
726
00:47:23,948 --> 00:47:24,245
You did not!
727
00:47:24,495 --> 00:47:24,720
I did!
728
00:47:24,970 --> 00:47:25,271
You never...
729
00:47:25,521 --> 00:47:25,601
I did!
730
00:47:25,851 --> 00:47:26,040
You never...
731
00:47:26,290 --> 00:47:26,332
I did!
732
00:47:26,582 --> 00:47:26,875
-You never... - I did! - You never...
733
00:47:27,125 --> 00:47:28,431
Look, I don't want to argue about this.
734
00:47:28,681 --> 00:47:29,956
Well, I'm very sorry, but you didn't pay!
735
00:47:30,206 --> 00:47:38,256
Aha! But if I didn't pay,
why are you arguing? Ahaaa! Got you!
736
00:47:41,527 --> 00:47:42,262
No, you haven't.
737
00:47:42,512 --> 00:47:45,328
Yes, I have. If you're arguing,
I must have paid.
738
00:47:45,578 --> 00:47:48,653
Not necessarily. I could be arguing
in my spare time.
739
00:47:48,903 --> 00:47:50,074
Oh, I've had enough of this!
740
00:47:50,324 --> 00:47:50,403
No, you haven't!
741
00:47:50,653 --> 00:47:50,668
Yes, I have!
742
00:47:50,918 --> 00:47:51,098
No, you haven't!
743
00:47:51,348 --> 00:47:51,489
Yes, I have!
744
00:47:51,639 --> 00:47:57,689
-No, you haven't! Yes, I have. No, You haven't...........
745
00:47:59,896 --> 00:48:04,208
I've got two legs from my hips to the ground
746
00:48:04,458 --> 00:48:08,039
And when I lift them they walk around
747
00:48:08,289 --> 00:48:11,797
And when I lift them they climb the stairs
748
00:48:12,047 --> 00:48:16,097
And when I shave them they ain't got hairs
749
00:48:33,479 --> 00:48:37,529
How sweet to be an idiot
750
00:48:40,139 --> 00:48:45,106
As harmless as a cloud
751
00:48:45,356 --> 00:48:48,211
Too small to hide the sun
752
00:48:48,461 --> 00:48:51,021
Almost poking fun
753
00:48:51,271 --> 00:48:56,604
At the warm but insecure untidy crowd
754
00:48:56,854 --> 00:49:02,590
How sweet to be an idiot
755
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:07,552
And dip my brain in joy
756
00:49:07,802 --> 00:49:10,507
Children laughing at my back
757
00:49:10,757 --> 00:49:13,687
With no fear of attack
758
00:49:13,937 --> 00:49:18,935
As much retaliation as a toy
759
00:49:19,185 --> 00:49:24,517
How sweet to be an idiot
760
00:49:24,767 --> 00:49:26,817
How sweet
761
00:49:36,186 --> 00:49:38,930
I tiptoe down the street
762
00:49:39,180 --> 00:49:42,230
Smile at everyone I meet
763
00:49:50,124 --> 00:49:52,795
But suddenly a scream
764
00:49:53,045 --> 00:49:55,643
Smashes through my dream
765
00:49:55,893 --> 00:49:58,454
Fee-fi-fo-fum
766
00:49:58,704 --> 00:50:00,828
I smell blood of an asylum
767
00:50:01,078 --> 00:50:02,178
Hey you
768
00:50:02,428 --> 00:50:03,894
You're such a pedant
769
00:50:04,144 --> 00:50:06,633
You've got as much brain as a dead ant
770
00:50:06,883 --> 00:50:09,933
As much imagination as a caravan site
771
00:50:12,392 --> 00:50:15,209
But I still love you
772
00:50:15,459 --> 00:50:18,199
Still love you
773
00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:23,599
How sweet to be an idiot
774
00:50:23,849 --> 00:50:26,556
How sweet
775
00:50:26,806 --> 00:50:31,445
How sweet
776
00:50:31,695 --> 00:50:36,745
How sweet...
777
00:51:58,613 --> 00:51:59,507
Good morning.
778
00:52:00,207 --> 00:52:07,257
Oh, good morning. Uhm, have you come to arrange
a holiday or would you like a blow job?
779
00:52:10,314 --> 00:52:11,451
I'm sorry?
780
00:52:11,701 --> 00:52:14,115
Uh, oh, you've come to arrange a holiday?
781
00:52:14,365 --> 00:52:15,504
Uuh...yes.
782
00:52:15,754 --> 00:52:20,758
Oh, sorry, sorry. Now, where were you
thinking of going?
783
00:52:21,008 --> 00:52:22,474
Uh, to India.
784
00:52:22,724 --> 00:52:24,735
Ah, one of our adventure holidays.
785
00:52:24,985 --> 00:52:25,977
Yes, that's right.
786
00:52:26,227 --> 00:52:28,275
Well, you'd better see Mr. Bounder about that.
787
00:52:28,525 --> 00:52:34,575
Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested
in the "India Overland" - and nothing else.
788
00:52:39,234 --> 00:52:41,849
Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure.
789
00:52:42,099 --> 00:52:43,637
Oh, hello. My name is Smoketoomuch.
790
00:52:43,887 --> 00:52:44,549
What?
791
00:52:44,799 --> 00:52:48,236
My name is Smoketoomuch. Mr. Smoketoomuch.
792
00:52:48,486 --> 00:52:52,536
Well, you'd better cut down a little then.
793
00:52:55,309 --> 00:52:56,263
I'm sorry?
794
00:52:56,513 --> 00:52:59,563
You'd better cut down a little then.
795
00:53:00,892 --> 00:53:04,983
Oh, I see! Smoke too much so I'd better
cut down a little then!
796
00:53:05,233 --> 00:53:10,458
Yes. Ooh, it's going to get people
making jokes about your name all the time, eh?
797
00:53:10,708 --> 00:53:14,758
No, actually, it never struck me
before. Smoketoomuch...
798
00:53:18,771 --> 00:53:21,221
Anyway, ehm, you're interested in one
of our holidays, are you?
799
00:53:21,471 --> 00:53:24,943
Yes, that's right. I saw your advert
in the blassified ads.
800
00:53:25,193 --> 00:53:25,746
The what?
801
00:53:25,996 --> 00:53:27,682
In The Times Blassified Ads.
802
00:53:27,932 --> 00:53:29,980
Ah, The Times Classified Ads.
803
00:53:30,230 --> 00:53:35,344
Yes, that's right. I'm afraid I have a speech
impediment. I can't pronounce the letter B.
804
00:53:35,594 --> 00:53:36,292
Uh, C.
805
00:53:36,542 --> 00:53:42,095
Yes, that's right, B. It's all due to a trauma
I suffered when I was a sbhoolboy.
806
00:53:42,345 --> 00:53:44,466
I was attacked by a Siamese bat.
807
00:53:44,716 --> 00:53:46,511
Uh, ah, a Siamese cat.
808
00:53:46,761 --> 00:53:49,811
No, a Siamese bat. They're more dangerous.
809
00:53:51,175 --> 00:53:54,391
Well, listen...can you say the letter K?
810
00:53:54,641 --> 00:54:00,412
Oh, yes. Khaki, kettle, Kipling,
Khomeini, Kellogg's Born Flakes.
811
00:54:00,662 --> 00:54:05,447
Well, why don't you say the letter K
instead of the letter C?
812
00:54:05,697 --> 00:54:08,950
Well, you mean, pronounce "blassified"
with a K?
813
00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:10,550
Yes, absolutely!
814
00:54:11,609 --> 00:54:12,783
Klassified!
815
00:54:13,033 --> 00:54:13,987
Good!
816
00:54:14,237 --> 00:54:19,287
Oh, it's very good! I never thought of
that before. What a silly bunt.
817
00:54:22,118 --> 00:54:24,424
Now then, uhm, about the holiday...
818
00:54:24,674 --> 00:54:29,166
Yes, well, I've been on package tours many times
before, so your advert really baught my eye.
819
00:54:29,416 --> 00:54:30,701
Good, good, jolly good, well,
let me offer you this...
820
00:54:30,951 --> 00:54:33,184
Why-why, what's the point of going abroad,
if your just going to be treated like a sheep?
821
00:54:33,434 --> 00:54:37,413
Carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty
mindless oaves from Kettering and Boventry.
822
00:54:37,663 --> 00:54:38,151
Absolutely.
823
00:54:38,401 --> 00:54:42,308
Their bloth baps and their bardigans and their
transistor radios, bomplaining about the tea:
824
00:54:42,558 --> 00:54:45,780
"Oh, they don't make it properly, do they?"
And stopping at endless Majorcan bodegas
825
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:47,262
selling fish and chips and
Watney's Red Barrel and
826
00:54:47,512 --> 00:54:52,642
calamaries and two veg. And sitting in their
cotton sun frocks, squirting Timothy Whites
827
00:54:52,892 --> 00:54:57,378
sun cream all over their puffy, raw, swollen,
purulent flesh, 'cos they overdid it on the first day.
828
00:54:57,628 --> 00:54:58,730
Yes, I know just what you mean!
Now, what we offer is...
829
00:54:58,980 --> 00:55:02,049
And being herded into endless
Hotel Miramars and Bellevueses,
830
00:55:02,299 --> 00:55:05,405
Bontinentals with their international
luxury modern roomettes...
831
00:55:05,655 --> 00:55:08,580
...and swimming pools full of draught
Red Barrel and fat German businessmen
832
00:55:08,830 --> 00:55:12,122
pretending to be acrobats and forming
pyramids and frightening the children and...
833
00:55:12,372 --> 00:55:14,465
...barging into the queues.
And if you're not at your table...
834
00:55:14,715 --> 00:55:17,671
...spot on seven you miss your bowl
of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup,
835
00:55:17,921 --> 00:55:20,080
the first item in the menu of
International Cuisine.
836
00:55:20,330 --> 00:55:21,112
Absolutely. Now what we have here is...
837
00:55:21,362 --> 00:55:24,535
Every Thursday night there's bloody
cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny,
838
00:55:24,785 --> 00:55:28,462
emaciated dago with nine-inch hips
and some fat bloated tart with her hair
839
00:55:28,712 --> 00:55:32,268
Brylcremed down and big arse
presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.
840
00:55:32,518 --> 00:55:33,365
Will you be quiet, please?
841
00:55:33,615 --> 00:55:36,558
And adenoidal typists from Birmingham
with flabby white legs...
842
00:55:36,808 --> 00:55:36,940
Will you be quiet?
843
00:55:37,190 --> 00:55:39,604
...and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy,
bandy-legged, wop waiters called Manuel.
844
00:55:39,854 --> 00:55:40,662
Be-be quiet!
845
00:55:40,912 --> 00:55:43,803
And once a week there's an excursion
to local Roman remains,
846
00:55:44,053 --> 00:55:44,825
where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream...
847
00:55:45,075 --> 00:55:45,665
Will you be quiet?
848
00:55:45,915 --> 00:55:47,126
...and bleedin' Watney's Red Barrel.
849
00:55:47,376 --> 00:55:48,075
Shut up!
850
00:55:48,325 --> 00:55:49,573
And one night they take you to a typical
restaurant with local...
851
00:55:49,823 --> 00:55:50,141
Shut up!
852
00:55:50,391 --> 00:55:51,802
...atmosphere and color and you sit next to a...
853
00:55:52,052 --> 00:55:52,376
Shut up!
854
00:55:52,626 --> 00:55:55,584
...party of people from Rhyl who keep singing
"I love the Costa Brava!"
855
00:55:55,884 --> 00:55:56,244
Shut up!
856
00:55:56,594 --> 00:56:01,381
"I love the Costa Brava!" And you get
cornered by some drunken greengrocer
857
00:56:01,831 --> 00:56:05,339
from Luton with an Instamatic camera and
last Tuesday's Daily Express...
858
00:56:05,589 --> 00:56:06,689
Please be quiet! This is the last time...
859
00:56:06,939 --> 00:56:09,598
...and he drones on and on and on about how
Ian Smith should be running the country
860
00:56:09,848 --> 00:56:13,758
and how many languages Margaret Powell can speak
and then she throws up all over the cuba libres.
861
00:56:14,058 --> 00:56:16,270
And spending four days on the
tarmac at Luton Airport
862
00:56:16,720 --> 00:56:19,208
on a five-day package tour with nothing to eat
but dry British Airways-type sandwiches.
863
00:56:19,458 --> 00:56:21,287
Shut up! Please shut up!
864
00:56:21,537 --> 00:56:25,191
And you can't even get a glass of Watney's
Red Barrel because you're still in England
865
00:56:25,441 --> 00:56:26,579
and the bloody bar closes every
time you're thirsty.
866
00:56:26,829 --> 00:56:29,574
And the kids are crying and vomiting
and breaking the plastic ashtrays.
867
00:56:29,824 --> 00:56:34,575
They keep telling you it'll only be another hour,
but you know damn well your plane is still in Iceland,
868
00:56:34,825 --> 00:56:38,333
and has to come back and take a party of...
Shut up!...take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia,
869
00:56:38,583 --> 00:56:41,288
before it can load you up at 3 a.m.
in the morning. And then you
870
00:56:41,538 --> 00:56:44,755
sit on the tarmac for four hours
because of unforeseen difficulties,
871
00:56:45,005 --> 00:56:47,893
i.e. the permanent strike of air
traffic control over Paris.
872
00:56:48,143 --> 00:56:50,959
When you finally get to Malaga airport,
everybody's queueing for the bloody toilet,
873
00:56:51,209 --> 00:56:53,819
and queueing for the bloody armed customs
officers, and queueing for
874
00:56:54,069 --> 00:56:58,498
the bloody bus that isn't there, waiting to take
you to the hotel that hasn't yet been built.
875
00:56:58,748 --> 00:57:02,471
When you finally get to the half-built
Algerian ruin called the Hotel del Sol,
876
00:57:02,721 --> 00:57:06,134
by paying half your holiday money
to a licensed bandit in a taxi,
877
00:57:06,384 --> 00:57:10,409
there's no water in the pool, there's no water
in the bog, there's no water in the tap,
878
00:57:10,659 --> 00:57:14,709
there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet,
and half the rooms are double-booked,
879
00:57:15,260 --> 00:57:17,945
and you can't sleep anyway, 'cause of the
permanent twenty-four hour drilling
880
00:57:18,195 --> 00:57:18,859
of the foundations of the hotel next door.
881
00:57:19,109 --> 00:57:23,961
Meanwhile, the Spanish National Tourist Board
promises you the raging cholera epidemic
882
00:57:24,211 --> 00:57:29,425
is merely a mild outbreak of Spanish Tummy,
rather like the previous outbreak in 1616
883
00:57:29,675 --> 00:57:32,725
even the bloody rats are dying from it!
884
00:57:33,971 --> 00:57:40,891
As early as the late 14th century, or indeed
as late as the early 14th century,
885
00:57:41,241 --> 00:57:43,110
the earliest forms of japes were divisible in...
886
00:57:43,360 --> 00:57:47,744
Meanwhile, the bloody Guardia are busy
arresting 16-year-olds for kissing in the streets.
887
00:57:47,994 --> 00:57:50,264
And finally on the last day
in the airport lounge,
888
00:57:50,514 --> 00:57:53,513
everybody's buying little awful horrid
donkeys with their names on,
889
00:57:53,763 --> 00:57:57,418
and bullfight posters with their own
names on, like Antonio ----,
890
00:57:57,668 --> 00:58:01,945
Mr Brian Pules of Norwich.
And then finally when you get to bloody Luton,
891
00:58:02,195 --> 00:58:05,449
you're ---- ---- for another four hours,
while they find
892
00:58:05,699 --> 00:58:07,313
a plane that has to take you back to Manchester.
893
00:58:07,563 --> 00:58:10,997
And when you finally get to Manchester,
there's only another bloody bus
894
00:58:11,247 --> 00:58:15,297
you have to wait sixteen hours for...
895
00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:23,151
As early as the late 14th century or
indeed as late as the early 14th century,
896
00:58:23,401 --> 00:58:26,729
the earliest forms of jape were
divisible into the two categories
897
00:58:26,979 --> 00:58:29,285
into which I now intend to divide them.
898
00:58:29,535 --> 00:58:33,807
The earliest manifestation of the of the
basic simple precipitation jest incurred,
899
00:58:34,057 --> 00:58:38,477
as will be seen from the demonstration,
a disproportionate amount of internal
900
00:58:38,727 --> 00:58:41,777
risibility on the part of the operator.
901
00:58:59,488 --> 00:59:05,039
Secondary precipitation occurs when both
protagonists and dupe are located indoors.
902
00:59:05,289 --> 00:59:11,316
It is true, however, that this has involved
the development of a special piece of machinery.
903
00:59:11,566 --> 00:59:16,616
But it is still no more than a simple
variation of primary precipitation.
904
00:59:38,673 --> 00:59:44,723
The opening up of the African continent revealed
a vast new source of wealth for humorous exploitation.
905
00:59:46,846 --> 00:59:51,896
We are to see demonstrated how this was
adapted to the basic precipitation jape.
906
01:00:31,727 --> 01:00:34,727
We now come on to a considera... Ahem!
907
01:01:00,877 --> 01:01:07,668
We now come on to a consideration of the
more sophisticated transitive mode of japing,
908
01:01:07,918 --> 01:01:12,412
in which, as we'll observe, the operator
or inceptor remains totally
909
01:01:12,662 --> 01:01:17,712
unaware of the humorous implications
of his action.
910
01:01:21,747 --> 01:01:28,797
first we are to see the simple
sideswipe or "whop."
911
01:01:30,651 --> 01:01:32,701
Hey, Vance!
912
01:01:40,722 --> 01:01:44,412
Next, the "sideswipe and return."
913
01:01:44,662 --> 01:01:46,712
Hey, Vance!
914
01:01:57,249 --> 01:02:01,299
And now, the "double sideswipe and return."
915
01:02:07,442 --> 01:02:09,492
Hey, Vance!
916
01:02:24,468 --> 01:02:28,414
Popular as this jest has always been,
however, it cannot compare
917
01:02:28,664 --> 01:02:34,714
with the ribald connotations associated
with the dispatch of an edible missile.
918
01:02:42,310 --> 01:02:49,360
First...first the simple
straightforward "offensive deposit."
919
01:03:04,422 --> 01:03:09,472
Second...second the simple
"sideways offensive deposit."
920
01:03:21,423 --> 01:03:24,473
Next, the simple "surprise deposit."
921
01:03:43,532 --> 01:03:46,582
And now, the "foul pie."
922
01:03:57,007 --> 01:04:00,057
Uh, could we have new pies, please?
923
01:04:18,886 --> 01:04:24,078
Finally, finally we move on to the
interesting but little known variant
924
01:04:24,328 --> 01:04:28,378
normally designated the
"three-course complex."
925
01:04:48,883 --> 01:04:54,180
But...but finally we must not forget
the enjoyment, the satisfaction,
926
01:04:54,430 --> 01:04:58,779
and the edification to be derived from
the simple straightforward
927
01:04:59,029 --> 01:05:03,079
"sideways completely unexpected deposit."
928
01:05:12,563 --> 01:05:17,097
Once upon a time there was a little
house in a dark forest.
929
01:05:17,347 --> 01:05:21,397
In this house lived a humble woodcutter
and his wife
930
01:05:25,994 --> 01:05:30,044
and their pretty daughter, Little Red Riding Hood.
931
01:05:42,817 --> 01:05:46,867
And in the middle of this deep, dark forest,
there lived a vicious wolf!
932
01:05:54,492 --> 01:05:57,895
One day Little Red Riding Hood
set off to take some things
933
01:05:58,145 --> 01:06:01,195
to her old grandmother who lived deep
in the forest.
934
01:06:16,899 --> 01:06:23,949
The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding
Hood and thought: "She looks very good to eat!"
935
01:06:26,789 --> 01:06:29,839
"Where are you going my, pretty one?"
936
01:06:31,896 --> 01:06:34,129
"Oh, kind sir, to my grandmother's."
937
01:06:34,379 --> 01:06:41,429
"Ha, ha, ha, ha!" smirked the wicked wolf and
dashed off through the forest to grandmother's house.
938
01:06:44,085 --> 01:06:47,741
"Knock, knock, knock" went the wicked wolf.
939
01:06:47,991 --> 01:06:51,427
The door opened wide, but it wasn't
grandmother who opened it.
940
01:06:51,677 --> 01:06:55,727
It was Buzz Aldrin, America's
number 2 spaceman!
941
01:06:58,319 --> 01:07:02,230
For this was not Granny's little house at
all, but the headquarters of NASA,
942
01:07:02,480 --> 01:07:05,530
the American space research agency.
943
01:07:06,834 --> 01:07:08,884
The wicked wolf was shot by security guards.
944
01:07:12,587 --> 01:07:16,423
So all was quiet in the forest again.
945
01:07:16,673 --> 01:07:18,509
The humble woodcutter and his wife
946
01:07:18,759 --> 01:07:23,745
sold the their story to Der Speigel
for 40,000 Deutcshmarks.
947
01:07:25,395 --> 01:07:30,321
NASA agreed to limit the number of nuclear
tests in Granny's little house
948
01:07:30,571 --> 01:07:35,621
to two on Thursdays and one on
Saturdays after tea.
949
01:07:39,897 --> 01:07:43,947
Liberal rubbish! What do you want with your
jugged fish, Klaus?
950
01:07:46,490 --> 01:07:48,758
Pardon, my wide-thighed plum?
951
01:07:49,008 --> 01:07:53,058
What do you want with your jugged fish,
you cloth-eared git?
952
01:07:53,751 --> 01:07:55,508
Halibut!
953
01:07:55,758 --> 01:07:57,662
The jugged fish is halibut!
954
01:07:57,912 --> 01:08:01,962
All right. Well, what fish do you
have that is not jugged?
955
01:08:03,020 --> 01:08:05,070
Uuh, rabbit.
956
01:08:05,466 --> 01:08:07,442
What, rabbit fish?
957
01:08:07,692 --> 01:08:09,742
Well, it's all covered in fur.
958
01:08:10,830 --> 01:08:12,003
Well, is it dead?
959
01:08:12,253 --> 01:08:15,303
Well, it was coughing up blood
last night.
960
01:08:16,851 --> 01:08:19,995
All right, I'll have the dead,
unjugged rabbit fish.
961
01:08:20,245 --> 01:08:22,896
One dead, unjugged rabbit fish later.
962
01:08:23,345 --> 01:08:24,317
Appalling!
963
01:08:24,667 --> 01:08:25,858
Oh, you're always complaining.
964
01:08:26,808 --> 01:08:28,181
What's for afters?
965
01:08:28,531 --> 01:08:37,185
Well, there's, uh, rat pie, rat pudding,
rat sorbet or, uh, strawberry tart.
966
01:08:37,435 --> 01:08:39,485
Strawberry tart?
967
01:08:39,953 --> 01:08:43,571
Well, it's got some rat in it.
968
01:08:43,821 --> 01:08:44,871
How much?
969
01:08:45,902 --> 01:08:49,952
Six. Rather a lot really.
970
01:08:50,391 --> 01:08:53,154
I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
971
01:08:53,404 --> 01:08:56,745
One slice of strawberry tart without
so much rat in it later.
972
01:08:59,954 --> 01:09:01,004
Appalling!
973
01:09:02,689 --> 01:09:05,324
"Moan, moan, moan!"
974
01:09:05,574 --> 01:09:06,273
Hello, mum! Hello, dad!
975
01:09:06,523 --> 01:09:07,696
Hello, son!
976
01:09:07,946 --> 01:09:09,996
There's a dead bishop on the landing!
977
01:09:10,828 --> 01:09:12,623
Where...where's he from?
978
01:09:12,873 --> 01:09:14,046
What do you mean?
979
01:09:14,296 --> 01:09:15,910
What's his diocese?
980
01:09:16,160 --> 01:09:17,917
Well, he looked a bit Canterburyish to me.
981
01:09:18,167 --> 01:09:19,852
I'll go and have a look.
982
01:09:20,102 --> 01:09:21,712
I dunno who keeps bringing them here.
983
01:09:21,962 --> 01:09:22,735
Well, it's not me.
984
01:09:22,985 --> 01:09:27,698
I put three out by the trashcans last week
and the garbagemen won't touch 'em.
985
01:09:27,948 --> 01:09:29,888
It's the bishop of Leicester!
986
01:09:30,138 --> 01:09:30,801
How do you know?
987
01:09:31,051 --> 01:09:35,654
Tattooed on the back of his neck!
I think I'd better call the police!
988
01:09:35,904 --> 01:09:37,224
Shouldn't you call the church?
989
01:09:37,474 --> 01:09:38,612
Call the Church Police!
990
01:09:38,862 --> 01:09:42,912
That's a good idea! The...Church...Police!
991
01:09:46,717 --> 01:09:48,767
'Allo, 'allo, 'allo!
992
01:10:06,382 --> 01:10:09,182
What's all this then? Amen!
993
01:10:09,548 --> 01:10:10,833
Are you the Church Police?
994
01:10:11,083 --> 01:10:12,133
Oh, yes!
995
01:10:13,141 --> 01:10:15,899
There's another dead bishop on the landing,
Vicar-Sergeant!
996
01:10:16,849 --> 01:10:21,964
Detective-Parson, madam! What is he?
R.C. or C. of E.?
997
01:10:22,214 --> 01:10:23,351
How should I know?
998
01:10:23,601 --> 01:10:25,651
Tattooed on the back of their neck!
999
01:10:26,672 --> 01:10:30,742
Here, is that rat tart?
1000
01:10:31,542 --> 01:10:35,177
Oh, uh, yes.
1001
01:10:38,527 --> 01:10:44,577
Disgusting! Right, men! The hunt is on.
Let us kneel in prayer. Oh, Lord...
1002
01:10:46,049 --> 01:10:53,099
Oh, Lord, we beseech thee, tell us who
croaked the Bishop of Leicester.
1003
01:11:06,038 --> 01:11:10,088
The one in the braces, he done it.
1004
01:11:17,131 --> 01:11:19,692
It's a fair cop, but society is to blame.
1005
01:11:19,942 --> 01:11:21,151
Right, we'll arrest them instead!
1006
01:11:21,401 --> 01:11:25,220
Come on, you! Are you in society?
Are you in society?
1007
01:11:25,470 --> 01:11:27,279
All things bright and beautiful...
1008
01:11:27,529 --> 01:11:29,421
Right, we'd like to conclude this
arrest with a hymn.
1009
01:11:29,671 --> 01:11:32,664
All things bright and beautiful
1010
01:11:32,914 --> 01:11:34,964
All creatures great and small.
1011
01:11:35,887 --> 01:11:38,387
All things wise and wonderful...
1012
01:11:39,766 --> 01:11:42,816
I never wanted to be in such a shambolic sketch.
1013
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:51,090
I always wanted...
1014
01:11:51,514 --> 01:11:53,564
to be a lumberjack!
1015
01:12:00,078 --> 01:12:02,128
Leaping from tree to tree...
1016
01:12:04,643 --> 01:12:08,693
as they float down the mighty rivers of
British Columbia!
1017
01:12:10,518 --> 01:12:18,568
The larch...the redwood...the mighty sequoia...
with my best girl by my side!
1018
01:12:21,037 --> 01:12:22,789
The giant deadwood,
1019
01:12:23,039 --> 01:12:24,089
the spruce,
1020
01:12:26,289 --> 01:12:28,339
the little californian root tree
1021
01:12:30,715 --> 01:12:35,765
We'd sing, sing, sing!
1022
01:12:37,740 --> 01:12:40,189
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
1023
01:12:40,439 --> 01:12:43,073
I sleep all night and I work all day.
1024
01:12:43,323 --> 01:12:45,810
He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
1025
01:12:46,060 --> 01:12:48,548
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
1026
01:12:48,798 --> 01:12:51,359
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
1027
01:12:51,609 --> 01:12:54,023
I go to the lavatory.
1028
01:12:54,273 --> 01:12:56,797
On Wednesdays I go shopping,
1029
01:12:57,047 --> 01:12:59,643
and have buttered scones for tea.
1030
01:12:59,893 --> 01:13:02,307
He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
1031
01:13:02,557 --> 01:13:04,936
He goes to the lavatory.
1032
01:13:05,186 --> 01:13:08,001
On Wednesdays he goes shopping,
1033
01:13:08,251 --> 01:13:10,483
And has buttered scones for tea.
1034
01:13:10,733 --> 01:13:13,147
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
1035
01:13:13,397 --> 01:13:16,049
I sleep all night and I work all day.
1036
01:13:16,299 --> 01:13:18,998
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
1037
01:13:19,248 --> 01:13:21,150
I like to press wild flowers.
1038
01:13:21,650 --> 01:13:24,134
I put on women's clothing,
1039
01:13:24,384 --> 01:13:26,873
And hang around in bars.
1040
01:13:27,123 --> 01:13:29,397
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
1041
01:13:29,647 --> 01:13:31,699
He likes to press wild flowers.
1042
01:13:31,949 --> 01:13:34,884
He puts on women's clothing,
1043
01:13:35,334 --> 01:13:37,934
And hangs around in bars?
1044
01:13:39,969 --> 01:13:41,435
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
1045
01:13:41,685 --> 01:13:43,745
I sleep all night and I work all day.
1046
01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:46,452
I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
1047
01:13:47,052 --> 01:13:49,466
Suspenders and a bra.
1048
01:13:49,716 --> 01:13:52,423
I wish I'd been a girlie,
1049
01:13:52,673 --> 01:13:55,197
Just like my dear papa.
1050
01:13:55,447 --> 01:13:57,861
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
1051
01:13:58,111 --> 01:14:00,426
Suspenders and a bra?
1052
01:14:00,676 --> 01:14:06,676
What kind of goddam pervert are you,
you lousy commie fairy faggot...?!
1053
01:14:08,694 --> 01:14:11,181
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,
1054
01:14:11,431 --> 01:14:13,750
I sleep all night and I work all day.
1055
01:14:12,716 --> 01:14:14,000
New title
1056
01:14:14,000 --> 01:14:22,000
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK!
91786
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