All language subtitles for Portlandia s03e06 Off the Grid.eng

Hi, thank you for coming.
I'm Marcus Harris.

I'm Ellen Harris. Uh, today
successfully and officially

Oregon has banned
the plastic bag.

Our waterways
and beaches are clean.

[Applause and cheers]

[Calypso music]

Hey, everyone.

They banned all plastic bags.

There goes my bag castle.

Bullshit!

[Opening theme]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

_

[Chickens clucking] Oh, oh,
you're too fast for me.

Oh, it's not gonna hurt bad.

[Sighs]

_

[Cell phone buzzing]

[Deep sniffle]

Hello?

Fred, it's the Mayor.

Why are you whispering?

I don't want to wake up Carrie.

I'm up, you guys.

- Good morning. Hi.
- Good morning.

I'm walking the streets
and I've been thinking about--

How did you get in?

Oh, uh, your roommate.

- Yeah.
- Oh, okay.

- She's lovely.
- Yeah, sure.

So I was out
walking the streets,

- brainstorming an idea for Portland.
- Um-hmm.

And I realized
I was in your neighborhood,

so I thought, well,
I'll just come over and...

You're always welcome.

Thank you very much.

I need help banning something.

Seattle is way ahead
of us on this.

You've banned
lots of stuff already.

Um, you did do the plastic bag.

We need to go ahead.

We need to be ahead
of the bandwagon.

Well, I do like the idea
of that campaign that says,

"Let's get on the banned wagon."

B-A-N-N-E-D.

And it's a wagon that's pulling all
the things that we're banning.

It can be interactive.
People can actually put things

that they think should be
banned on the banned wagon.

Why don't you give out
stickers of just those red--

- you know, the red cross out thing?
- Yeah.

Which by the way,
that should have a name.

- And then...
- Yes.

So anything you don't like,
you put it over that.

What about, like, XXXL shirts?

That's a lot of waste.

Waste of fabric
and a waste of body.

- And a big waist size.
- Yeah, you're right.

You know, we could
run it by Alexandra.

- Oh, yeah.
- She might have some thoughts on it.

Alex?
Hey, Alex?

What do you think of these
ideas for something to ban?

Triple XL shirts?

Humph.

- Oh.
- Right, complain.

[Fred] - That makes sense.
- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, that's good.
That's helpful. Thank you.

You know what we should ban?

Mittens.

Yeah, 'cause you can't type,
you can't open doors.

I mean you really can't do
anything in a--

they're actually dangerous.

If you have mittens
in your house,

come bring them
to us and we'll--

Mitten drive, we could have
a mitten drive.

We'll call you
the Mitten Mayor.

Imaging the board of pictures
of all the former mayors,

and I'd be up there
as the Mitten Mayor.

I like it.

I like it too.

Alex?

What do you think of like,

banning mittens?

[Laughs]

She loves it.

[Phone buzzes] It's unknown.

- Hello?
[Man] - Hello?

- This is George Healey from
Portland Tribune. - This is the Mayor.

- Yes, what can I help you with? How did
you get this number? - Mr. Mayor

you have been singled out
as the number one

electricity hog in the city.

The number one elec--

is this some kind
of an award, or...?

Well, it's not exactly
an honor, Mr. Mayor.

Um... is this a joke?

Well, we just wanted to know
if you wanted to comment.

I am outraged.

And I'm upset
that you would call me.

I'm with friends,
discussing some very important--

- uh, I'm sorry. What was your name?
- George Healey, from the paper...

You can't run this story.

This is not based
on fact of any means.

I...

He sounds really upset.

Should we do something?

Definitely.

Alex, what do you think?

_

_

Can you turn down
the guitar please?

[Applause]

_

We're not going to use
any mics.

Yeah, we don't want to harm
any insects.

[Amplifier buzzes] Ahh.

We should have
done that, no mics.

Hey, Jay.

I feel like you're
a little bit loud.

Uh-huh.

Maybe if you just moved back
a little bit.

Yeah.

[Mic squeals]

It's a good move.

[Bell rings]

[Bell rings]

[Applause]

_

[Child's laughter]

What's she gonna play?

[Blows] [Crowd gasps]

[Applause]

Oh, wow.

[Announcer] Congratulations.

You've won one
free ticket to the--

[Engines roar]

[Crowd] Yeah!

_

Hi. I'm Alisha from the Portland
Milk Advisory Board.

And we wanted to issue
a retraction.

It turns out that cashew milk
is manufactured

in the highly contentious
political environment of Nigeria.

- Right boss?
- That's right, employee.

Drink radish milk.
I think we're not

suppose to shake this bottle.

We did this really quickly,
we put this together.

There were some radishes
on the tray

that no one was eating.
And I was like, you know what,

I said sarcastically, "like why
don't we just make radish milk?"

And here we are.

He's my boss.
[Duck call]

[Healey]
Listen up, everybody. Please.

I've just come from a meeting
with our publisher.

You know times have been hard.

Papers are folding
left and right.

The bad news is
we're going to cease

being a traditional
print newspaper.

The good news is we've
been taken over

by Linx PDX,

a very successful online blog.

Our mission remains the same.

Hard hitting local journalism.

So we're just going to lose
the whole print thing, and...

Hey, bud.

Hi. Folks, I'd like

you to meet Trudy Adler.

- Craig Rodriguez.
- Craig Rodriguez.

- Say hello to the...
- How are you? Hello.

...the new boss.

Thanks, George.
Thanks a lot.

Hi, uh, pleased
to meet you, uh...

you guys know all
the journalistic stuff.

We've got a lot
of experience with,

you know, connections
and links.

People don't read
articles anymore,

and we don't want
to provide things

that people don't care about.

They probably read every
fifth word, you know, so...

just make it those five words.

So your research shows
that people tune out

after, like, two sentences?

Okay. Well just
stay on it then.

Okay. It's all right.

- Hey.
- What's up? How are you?

What can I do for you?

- Are you busy?
- What are you working on?

Oh, well the staff and I have

got a strong suspicion
that our mayor...

- Um-hmm.
- ...is a

an energy hog.

If it was just that story,

what would the comments be?

- Boring.
- You know.

A comment would be like,

"He looks like
a dick." D-I-K.

To the "commentor"
number one--

you're an idiot.

Obviously you live
somewhere else,

like the South,
you know, whatever.

And then you need one smart
guy, like kind of like,

well technically I've worked
in the military before,

and you're the one who's wrong

because one person's like
"why can't people be nice?"

And like a frowny face,
and then...

I think we'd lose
some of the substance

of the story if, if...

I mean the site's
called Linx PDX.

We don't actually
have articles,

we have links
to other articles.

Think of yourself
less of a journalist,

more of a "linkalist."

But we can still
write stories, right?

In your free time you can write
all the stories you want.

I'm going to give you a pitch.

Okay.

How about stars with no makeup?

Maybe Charlize Theron.

I could look
into that... uh...

Thank you.

You need to entice them

with nips lips.

You know, side boobs.

Also, there's something
beyond side boobs now

which is bottom cleavage.

Someone is-- a woman is
wearing a really short shirt

and the cleavage is
actually underneath.

[Swallows] I'm not so sure

that I'm cut out for this.

Maybe top ten shaved heads.

[Craig] Top ten shaved heads.

I'd start with Charlize Theron.

When you think top ten,

automatically it makes
it easy enough

for the people to digest it.

That's what makes
it digestible.

Condensed. It's, it's
poetry if you will.

It's Haiku.

God bless you, but yeah.

My grandfather
was a journalist.

My dad...

and I'm...

a linkalist.

Hey. Hi.

Uh, everyone gather around,

We've got some great news.

George...

do you know what you've done?

You wrote an article
that got 70 million hits,

the biggest
in Linx PDX history.

- I'm honored, I guess.
- Yeah.

Do us the honor, please

of reading your article to us.

I think we'd like to listen.

Okay.

Charlize Theron,

NSFW.

That's, that's it.

- So...
- Ugh.

What, Ken, what?

Get off my back, will you?

It's the future.
[Swallows]

[Mayor] I don't get it.
How can I be

the biggest energy hog
in Portland?

I built my entire campaign

on being green
and energy efficient.

Air conditioner.

I rarely use it.
If it's too hot

I open a window, I like the
fresh air of Portland.

Do you keep the heat on
all the time?

I just put a sweater on,
I like sweaters.

Okay, what about the fridge?

It's a small refrigerator,

do you open it a lot,
do you close it?

You know, I think ahead...

in, out.

And I replaced
the bulb in there

with a little watty,
it was 15 watts

and I thought that was too high,
I went to 7 1/2.

Wait. What about
electric razor or toothbrush?

I've got one of those razors
for survival.

You know you actually crank it,

and it runs for a while,
and you can shave.

You crank...

You crank the razor...

- Crank razors?
- Crank razor.

Wait, hold on a second, wait.

What's that sound?

[Distant whirring]

I don't hear anything.

It's like a pulsing...

- Right...
- Rhythmic...

[Whirring continues]

What is this?

What is this?

I'm so used to it now.

My printer.
Prince.

How long has it
been going like that?

- Ten years.
- Ten years?

You think that's it?

Yeah, you got to shut it off.

Why didn't you just--

I can't shut it off, Fred.

In the manual it says

"Do not interrupt
the printing queue."

He said he was busy,
I didn't want to bother him,

I just wanted him to go about
his business, you know--

- Who?
- Prince.

I feed it paper
every night, and...

it's kind of like a pet.

Do you see what it's printing?

Yeah, it's not even
printing anything out,

just an error message.

Yes, I thought
it was just getting itself

- ready to print.
- For ten years?

Yes, it's learning the code.

I stand before you guilty

of excessive
energy consumption.

I didn't realize that you could
actually stop the printing queue

merely by turning
the machine on and off.

The offending instrument.

This printer,

formally known as Prince,

is no longer going
to be in my employ.

I'm going to find
a new home for it.

_ [Crowd jeers]

Well, that didn't go
the way I planned.

I am left with no choice,

but to step down as your mayor.

[Crowd gasps, chatters]

There will be more
information forthcoming.

Thank you.

Are you sure
you want to do this?

You want to step down?

There's a code of conduct
for all mayors,

and I broke it.

I realize that.

Thank you.

[Laughs]

Oh, well.

_

[Bell rings]

- Hi.
- Hello.

I am the inspector

from the Portland Bed
And Breakfast Bureau.

Hello.

Great, hello.
I'm Nance.

- Nance, hello.
- Hi, welcome.

- I'm Peter. We've been expecting you.
- Thank you.

I am the inspector

from the Portland Bed
And Breakfast Bureau.

- Wonderful, we're so happy you're here.
- Let's begin.

[Sniffs] - Very musty smell.
- Oh.

It's nice. It could be
a little mustier.

We let a wet dog
run through the room.

The bear behind you
is a nice touch.

You might think about
taking an eye out.

[Both] Oh.

Let's just go to the first
guest room, shall we?

Of course.

Now, uh, where's
the squeaky step here?

It's right there.

This one here.
Yeah.

That's not enough squeak.

Oh you gotta really, look...

[Step squeaks]

All right.
All right.

All right.

[Step continues squeaking]

Oh.

[Squeaking]

Am I feeling...

- bedbugs?
- You've found it.

Ding-ding-ding-ding.

- Wow.
- And one thing

that would be a nice touch,

is just to have a smattering

of little
hand soaps everywhere.

You'll notice them later on.

- They're just going to be in every room.
- Yeah.

- This is our little water closet.
- Aww.

Then we set up the teddy bears
so that, you know,

they're kind of staring at you
as you walk in.

I like the fact
that you have to

move one of the bears
in order to use the toilet.

It's always nice
to put your hands on things

and handle things
in a bathroom.

And paper-thin walls.
I mean, we did some tests

and I, you know, I piddled,
and she could hear it.

- I was outside.
- Outside the house.

[Whispering] So 67 and 72...

[Sighs] Everybody has a bed.

And everyone
can have breakfast.

But not everyone

can have a bed and breakfast.

We didn't pass?

I just had to take off points

for not having enough
cookies around,

- there needs to be--
- Wait, wait, wait.

Those little soaps
that you saw.

Uh-huh.

Those are cookies.

No.
[Stammers]

- You'll just have to try one.
- Yeah.

[Gasps] Oh, yes.

[Cookie cracks]

Ummm.

So good, right?

It's her batch.

Oh, mm-hmmm, good.

Thank you.

I'll gladly send you
a tin of those.

Well, you have
your certificate.

[Gasps] Oh, honey!

A little finishing touch here.

[Fabric rips]

Oh, that's creepy.

I am looking for
a ride share to Sacramento.

Yeah, good job on the flier.

Put it up here.

Aw, man, there's
a lot of fliers though.

They're stuck up here.

God, how many are there?

- Good job.
- Thanks.

Oh, missing cat.

Choo-Choo.

I guess he's still out there.

I wonder if that cat's
still out there.

This is kind of a cold case.

I mean we're really going
to have use our detective skills

on this one.

Wait a minute.

I have an idea.

Does anybody have a dime?
[Hushing]

Somewhere in these newspapers

there's got to be
some information about him.

- Yeah.
- Let's go back.

Keep going.

Stop!

Oh, no. 911.

Keep going.

We got to find this little guy

so we can get back
on the road to Sacramento.

Oh, here's some missing cats.

[Machine beeps]

Everything costs so much money.

Somebody have a dime?

Does anybody have a dime.

Hi, can I have a dime?

That's it.

Flier put up
for Choo-Choo,

a cat who has gone missing.

April 16th, 1963.

Quinn, we've got to talk
to people.

We don't have to be quiet.

We got to find some people
who were alive back then.

Old people.

Have you ever seen this cat?

I think that's pretty neat.

- Okay...
- And you've never seen this cat?

I've never seen that cat.

- Uh-huh, okay.
- Okay

I have a cat.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

What's his name?

Eh, just pussy.

And now the aging software

is working on the picture

to forecast what the kitty
looks like now.

- Great.
- Whoa.

Have you considered
that he may be dead?

I don't see how
the logic of that is,

I mean, no.

My assumption is
that he's alive.

So how are you guys doing
with your gutter lifestyle?

Your mom called me
and is worried about you.

I've been trying
to get us to go

over to her house.

I really want to go
to the pool.

Have you been there
this summer?

No, not in a really long time.

That sounds very nice.

[Computer beeps]
Oh, there, Choo-Choo's ready.

That's great, Aunt Marge.

We'll be able to find him
right away.

Have you seen this cat?

Yeah, I've seen that cat.

- Well, I guess we solved the case, so.
- Yeah.

- Hello, sir.
- Hey.

Did you know Choo-Choo?

Well he's my cat.

Did you guys
know Choo-Choo?

In a way.

I just drive up from Sacramento

every year to visit him.

Sacramento?
You going back there?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you think
we could get a ride?

Oh, yeah.

_

[Mayor] Yeah, yeah.

Your horns are coming in nice.

[Mayor makes clicking noises]
Here, little one.

Come on, plenty for all.

Mr. Mayor.

Hello.

- Carrie, Fred how are you?
- Remember us?

Wow, look at you.

You're really off the grid.

It's nice, it's peaceful.

You have a little accent now.

- Yep.
- Yeah, I like your beard.

- Yep.
- You talk a little slower.

[Slow audio] Yep.

Wow, it so amazing out here,

like what's it like?

You, know, it's peaceful
out here.

It does make you think.

I mean do you have electricity?

No, no, we use
a lot of kerosene.

You know, you get used to the
smell of kerosene, funny enough.

It's a very specific
kind of smell indoors.

Too much and you'll just
end up, you know,

all flat on your back.

That's happened
a couple times, actually.

I fainted, and the goats
have found me.

They revived me,
so I really, I owe my life

to these little guys.

How's the water?
Is it nice and fresh, right?

Well, it's a little browner.

Which makes it easier
to see it in a glass.

Well it's got a natural
diuretic, I can tell you that.

I've lost a lot of weight.

I mean, do you have a bathroom?

Well, we go outside.

- Who's we?
- That's what you do here.

Yeah, I got a special
hole out back there.

You got to make sure
you spread your legs

pretty wide 'cause that
hole might cave in.

- Yeah, I know--
- You don't want to fall in there.

What's your bed, what is it?

It's straw and horsehair.

It just seems
a little lonely out here.

I got these guys right here.

Sometimes they even
come in and help me.

Of course they like
to eat the bed.

So I can't let them
in very long.

They love that straw.

Well, your missing a lot
of great stuff in Portland.

Well, my goat buddies here,
I can talk to them.

They seem to understand.

What do you guys talk about?

Well, tell you what
we don't talk about,

is that printer.

The printer thing is so done.

The next day it was old news.

Yeah, I mean the way
you're touching those goats,

that's what Portland needs.

So the city's good,
it's doing all right?

- Yeah, but we miss you though.
You gotta come back. - Yeah.

I just feel like my carbon
footprint was large.

I think you should
come back though.

We'll hang out with you,
we'll take care of you

and we'll just get
right back into it and...

Well, I'll think
about it, Fred.

It's a big city.

Yeah, we mean,
we need someone to run it

- to be honest.
- Huh.

Well, who is running
the city right now?

Uh, Miss Mayor,

members of City Council
are here to see you.

Tell 'em I'm busy.

Oh, ha-ha.

Yeah.

[End theme]

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Ha-ha, ho-ho,

that's so stupid.

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Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0