All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 1x01 - Pilot (XOR)

So if a photon is directed
through a plane with two slits in it

and either slit is observed,
it will not go through both slits.

If it's unobserved, it will.

However, if it's observed
after it's left the plane

but before it hits its target,
it won't have gone through both slits.

Agreed.
What's your point?

There's no point, I just think
it's a good idea for a T-shirt.

- Excuse me.
- Hang on.

One across is "Aegean."

Eight down is "Nabokov."

26 across is "MCM."

14 down is...
Move your finger...

"Phylum" which makes 14 across
"Port-au-Prince"

See, "Papa Doc's capitol idea,"
that's "Port-au-Prince."

Haiti.

- Can I help you?
- Yes.

Is this the high-IQ sperm bank?

If you have to ask,
maybe you shouldn't be here.

I think this is the place.

- Fill these out.
- Thank you.

- We'll be right back.
- Take your time.

I'll just finish my crossword puzzle.

Oh, wait.

Leonard, I don't think I can do this.

What, are you kidding?
You're a semi-pro.

No. We are committing genetic fraud.

There's no guarantee that our sperm
is going to generate high-IQ offspring.

Think about that. I have a sister with
the same basic DNA mix

who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Sheldon, this was your idea.

A little extra money to get fractional
T-1 bandwidth in the apartment.

I know, and I do yearn
for faster downloads.

But there's some poor woman
who's gonna pin her hopes on my sperm.

What if she winds up with a toddler
who doesn't know if he should use

an integral or a differential
to solve the area under a curve?

- I'm sure she'll still love him.
- I wouldn't.

Well, what do you want to do?

I want to leave.

What's the protocol for leaving?

I don't know... I've never reneged
on a proffer of sperm before.

Let's try just walking out.

- Bye.
- Bye. Nice meeting you.

Are you still mad about the sperm bank?

You want to hear an interesting
thing about stairs?

Not really.

If the height of a single step
is off by as little as two millimeters,

- most people will trip.
- I don't care.

Two milli... That doesn't seem right.

No, it's true, I did a series of
experiments when I was 12.

My father broke his clavicle.

Is that why they sent
you to boarding school?

No. That was a result
of my work with lasers.

New neighbor?

Evidently.

Significant improvement
over the old neighbor.

200-pound transvestite
with a skin condition?

Yes, she is.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

We don't mean to interrupt.
We live across the hall.

Oh, that's nice.

We don't live together. I mean...

We live together,

but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.

Okay, well...

Guess I'm your new neighbor. Penny.

- Leonard. Sheldon.
- Hi.

Well...

Welcome to the building.

Thank you.
Maybe we can have coffee sometime.

Great.

- Well... bye.
- Bye.

Should we have invited her for lunch?

We're gonna start season two
of Battlestar Galactica.

We already watched the season two DVDs.

Not with commentary.

I think we should be good neighbors

and invite her over,
make her feel welcome.

We never invited
Louie-slash-Louise over.

And that was wrong of us.

We need to widen our circle.

I have a very wide circle.

I have 212 friends on MySpace.

Yes, and you've never met one of them.

That's the beauty of it.

I'm gonna invite her over.

We'll have a nice meal and... chat.

Chat? We don't chat.
At least not offline.

It's not difficult.

You just listen to what she says

and then you say something
appropriate in response.

To what end?

Hi... again.

Hi.

Anyway...

We brought home Indian food.

And...

I know that moving can be stressful,

and I find that
when I'm undergoing stress,

that good food and company
can have a comforting effect.

Also, curry is a natural laxative,
and I don't have to tell you

that, you know, a clean colon is just...

one less thing to worry about.

I'm no expert, but I believe
in the context of a luncheon invitation,

you might want to skip the
reference to bowel movements.

You're inviting me over to eat?

Oh, that's so nice.
I'd love to.

Great.

So, what do you guys do
for fun around here?

Today we tried masturbating for money.

Episode 1: Pilot
Version 1.01

Transcript: swsub.com
Sync by Jesslataree

Okay, make yourself at home.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

This looks like some serious stuff.

- Leonard, did you do this?
- Actually, that's my work.

Yeah. Well, it's just
some quantum mechanics

with a little string theory
doodling around the edges.

That part there, that's just a joke.

It's a spoof of the
Born-Oppenheimer approximation.

So you're like one of those
Beautiful Mind genius guys.

- This is really impressive.
- I have a board.

If you like boards, this is my board.

Holy smokes.

If by "holy smokes", you mean

a derivative restatement
of the kind of stuff

you can find scribbled on the wall
of any men's room at MIT, sure.

- What?
- Come on.

Who hasn't seen this differential
below "Here I sit, broken-hearted"?

At least I didn't have
to invent 26 dimensions

just to make the math come out.

I didn't invent them. They're there.

- In what universe?
- In all of them... that is the point.

Do you guys mind if I start?

Penny...

that's where l sit.

So, sit next to me.

No... I sit there.

What's the difference?

- What's the difference?
- Here we go.

In the winter, that seat is
close enough to the radiator

to remain warm, and yet not so
close as to cause perspiration

In the summer, it's directly
in the path of a cross-breeze

created by opening
windows there and there.

It faces the television at an angle

that is neither direct,
thus discouraging conversation,

nor so far wide as to create
a parallax distortion.

I could go on, but I think
I've made my point.

Do you want me to move?

- Well...
- Just sit somewhere else.

Fine.

Sheldon, sit!

Well, this is nice.

We don't have a lot of company over.

That's not true. Koothrappali
and Wolowitz come over all the time.

- I know, but...
- Tuesday night,

we played Klingon Boggle
till 1:00 a.m.

Yeah, I remember.

- Don't say we don't have company.
- Sorry.

- That has negative social implications.
- I said I'm sorry!

So...

Klingon Boggle?

Yeah. It's like regular Boggle, but...

in Klingon.

That's probably enough about us.
So, tell us about you.

Me? Okay.

I'm a Sagittarius,

which probably tells you
way more than you need to know.

Yes. It tells us that you participate
in the mass cultural delusion

that the sun's apparent position

relative to arbitrarily defined
constellations at the time of your birth

somehow affects your personality.

Participate in the what?

I think
what Sheldon's trying to say

is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been
our first guess.

Yeah, a lot of people
think I'm a water sign.

Okay, let's see, what else.

I'm a vegetarian.
Except for fish.

And the occasional steak. I love steak!

Well, that's interesting.

Leonard can't process corn.

Well... do you have some sort of a job?

I'm a waitress
at The Cheesecake Factory.

I love cheesecake.

You're lactose-intolerant.

I don't eat it...
I just think it's a good idea.

Anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay.

It's about this sensitive girl who comes
to L.A. from Lincoln, Nebraska,

to be an actress and winds up
a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory.

So, it's based on your life.

No, I'm from Omaha.

If that was movie, I would go see it.

I know, right?

Okay, let's see, what else...

Guess that's about it.

That's the story of Penny.

It sounds wonderful.

It was.

Until I fell in love with a jerk!

What's happening?

God, you know,
4 years I lived with him.

4 years... that's like
as long as high school.

It took you 4 years
to get through high school?

It just... I can't believe
I trusted him.

Should I say something?
I feel like I should say something.

You? No, you'll only make it worse.

You want to know the most pathetic part?

Even though I hate
his lying, cheating guts...

I still love him.

Is that crazy?

No, it's not crazy. It's a...

It's a paradox.

Paradoxes are part of nature.
Think about light.

If you look at Huygens, light is a wave,

as confirmed
by the double-slit experiments,

but then along comes Albert Einstein

and discovers that light
behaves like particles, too.

Well, I didn't make it worse.

I'm so sorry. I'm such a mess.

On top of everything else,
I'm all gross from moving

and my stupid shower doesn't even work.

Our shower works.

Really? Would it be totally
weird if I used it?

- Yes.
- No.

It's right down the hall.

Thanks.

You guys are really sweet.

Well, this is an
interesting development.

How so?

It has been some time
since we've had a woman

take her clothes off in our apartment.

That's not true.
Remember at Thanksgiving,

my grandmother with Alzheimer's
had that episode?

Point taken.
It has been some time

since we've had a woman
take her clothes off,

after which we didn't
want to rip our eyes out.

The worst part was watching
her carve that turkey.

So what exactly are you
trying to accomplish here?

Excuse me?

That woman is not
going to have sex with you.

I'm not trying to have sex with her.

Good. Then you won't be disappointed.

What makes you think she
wouldn't have sex with me?

I'm a male and she's a female.

Yes, but not of the same species.

I'm not going to engage
in hypotheticals here.

I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.

Of course.

That's not to say that if a carnal
relationship were to develop,

that I wouldn't participate.

However briefly.

Do you think this possibility
will be helped or hindered

when she discovers your Luke Skywalker
no-more-tears shampoo?

It's Darth Vader shampoo.

Luke Skywalker's the conditioner.

- Wait till you see this.
- It's fantastic, unbelievable.

See what?

It's a Stephen Hawking lecture
from MIT in 1974.

This isn't a good time.

It's before he became
a creepy computer voice.

- That's great. You guys have to go.
- Why?

It's just not a good time.

Leonard has a lady over.

Yeah, right... your
grandmother back in town?

And she's not a lady.
She's just a new neighbor.

Hang on, there really is a lady here?

And you want us out because
you're anticipating coitus?

I'm not anticipating coitus.

So she's available for coitus?

Can we please just stop saying "coitus"?

Technically, that would
be"coitus interruptus. "

Hey, is there a trick to getting it
to switch from tub to shower...?

Hi. Sorry.
Hello.

Enchant�, mademoiselle.

Howard Wolowitz,
Caltech department of applied physics.

You may be familiar
with some of my work.

It's currently orbiting
Jupiter's largest moon

taking high-resolution
digital photographs.

Penny. I work at The Cheesecake Factory.

I'll show you the trick with the shower.

Bonne douche.

I'm sorry?

It's French for "good shower. "

It's a sentiment I can express
in six languages.

Save it for your blog, Howard.

All right, there it goes.
It sticks. I'm sorry.

- Okay, thanks.
- You're welcome.

You're just gonna
to step right... Okay, I'll...

- Hey, Leonard?
- The hair products are Sheldon's.

Can I ask you a favor?

A favor?

Sure, you can ask me a favor.
I would do you a favor for you.

It's okay if you say no.

I'll probably say yes.

It's just not the kind of thing
you ask a guy you just met.

I really think we should examine
the chain of causality here.

- Must we?
- Event A...

A beautiful woman
stands naked in our shower.

Event B... we drive halfway across town
to retrieve a television set

from the aforementioned
woman's ex-boyfriend.

Query... on what plane of existence

is there even a semi-rational
link between these events?

She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.

Yes, well, that may be
the proximal cause of our journey,

but we both know it only exists
in contradistinction

to the higher level distal cause.

- Which is?
- You think with your penis.

That's a biological impossibility.
And you didn't have to come.

Right, I could have stayed behind
and watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny

in Russian, Arabic and Farsi.

Why can't she get her own TV?

Come on, you know
how it is with breakups.

No, I don't... and neither do you.

I broke up with Joyce Kim.

You did not break up with Joyce Kim.
She defected to North Korea.

To mend her broken heart.

This situation is much less complicated.

There's some kind of dispute
between Penny and her ex-boyfriend

as to who gets custody of the TV.

She just wanted to avoid
having a scene with him.

- So we get to have a scene with him?
- No, there's not going to be a scene.

There's two of us and one of him.

Leonard, the two of us
can't even carry a TV.

So, you guys work with Leonard
and Sheldon at the university?

I'm sorry, do you speak English?

He speaks English.
He just can't speak to women.

Really? Why?

He's kind of a nerd.

Juice box?

I'll do the talking.

- Yeah?
- Hi, I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.

- Hello.
- What did I just--

- We're here to pick up Penny's TV.
- Get lost.

Okay, thanks for you time.

We're not going
to give up just like that.

Leonard, the TV's in the building.

We've been denied access
to the building, ergo, we are done.

Excuse me. If I were to give up
on the first little hitch,

I never would have identified
the fingerprints of string theory

in the aftermath of the Big Bang.

My apologies. What's your plan?

It's just a privilege to watch
your mind at work.

Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.

We should be able to figure out
how to get into a stupid building.

What do you think their combined IQ is?

Just grab the door!

This is it.

I'll do the talking.

Good thinking.
I'll just be the muscle.

Yeah?

I'm Leonard, this is Sheldon.

From the intercom.

How the hell did you get
in the building?

We're scientists.

Tell him about our IQ.

- Leonard...
- What?

- My mom bought me those pants.
- I'm sorry.

You're going to have to call her.

Sheldon, I am so sorry
I dragged you through this.

It's okay. It wasn't my first pantsing
and it won't be my last.

And you were right about my motives.

I was hoping to establish
a relationship with Penny

that might have someday led to sex.

Well, you got me out of my pants.

Anyway, I've learned my lesson.

She's out of my league,
I'm done with her.

Got my work, one day
I'll win the Nobel Prize

and then I'll die alone.

Don't think like that.
You're not going to die alone.

Thank you, Sheldon.
You're a good friend.

And you're certainly not
going to win a Nobel Prize.

This is one of my favorite places
to kick back after a quest.

They have a great house ale.

Cool tiger.

Yeah, I've had him since level ten.

His name is Buttons.

Anyway, if you had
your own game character

we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.

That sounds interesting.

You'll think about it?

I don't think I'll be able
to stop thinking about it.

Smooth.

We're home.

My God, what happened?

Well, your ex-boyfriend
sends his regards

and I think the rest
is fairly self-explanatory.

I'm so sorry. I really thought
if you guys went instead of me

he wouldn't be such an ass.

No, it was a valid hypothesis.

That was a valid...?
What is happening to you?

Really, thank you so much
for going and trying, you're just...

You're so terrific. Really.

Why don't you put some clothes on,

I'll get my purse,
and dinner is on me, okay?

- Really? Great.
- Thank you.

You're not done with her, are you?

Are babies will be smart and beautiful.

Not to mention imaginary.

- Is Thai food okay with you, Penny?
- Sure.

We can't have Thai food,

- we had Indian for lunch.
- So?

- They're both curry-based cuisines.
- So?

It would be gastronomically redundant.

I can see we're going to have
to spell out everything for this girl.

Any ideas, Raj?

Turn left on Lake Street
and head up to Colorado.

I know a wonderful
little sushi bar that has karaoke.

That sounds like fun.

I don't know what your odds
are in the world as a whole,

but as far as the population
of this car goes,

you're a veritable mack daddy.