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♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
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00:00:04,771 --> 00:00:08,040
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,643
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,646
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:18,150
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,536
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
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♪ All the thingsthat make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Peter, come on,
time to get dressed
11
00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:38,298
for our Valentine's Day dinner.
12
00:00:38,322 --> 00:00:39,933
We don't want to be late
for our reservation.
13
00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,489
Reservation?
14
00:00:41,558 --> 00:00:43,918
Yeah. I decided we're going
someplace nice this time.
15
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:46,773
Not like last year
when we went
to the Outback Steakhouse,
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00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,164
but it's "out"
as in the gay way.
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We'll get to the specials,
but first,
I need to tell you...
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00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,402
I'm gay.
19
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,671
The hell you are!
20
00:00:55,739 --> 00:00:57,450
No waiter of mine
is gonna be gay!
21
00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,675
Peter, please.
He's our waiter.
22
00:00:59,743 --> 00:01:01,677
He's the only waiter we have.
23
00:01:01,745 --> 00:01:03,912
Lois, our waiter is dead to us.
24
00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:06,782
We have to focus all our
attention on our hostess now.
25
00:01:06,850 --> 00:01:09,401
He-he just needs a little time.
26
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:10,981
Scott...
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00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:15,240
I'm finally ready
to hear the specials.
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00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:17,087
Well, happy Valentine's Day,
Lois.
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Let's have a dying marriage
side-face kiss.
30
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Mwah.
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00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,382
Well, I better set out
a can of tuna fish and a cigar
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for Arthur Valentine.
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00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,754
I can't wait to see
what he brings me.
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Uh, you want to tell us
what the holy hell that was?
35
00:01:31,809 --> 00:01:33,820
I'm afraid
it's something we made up
36
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,811
that we finally
need to deal with.
37
00:01:35,879 --> 00:01:38,160
You see, years ago,
when Chris was in preschool...
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00:01:42,502 --> 00:01:45,537
Peter, poor Chris didn't get
a single valentine today
39
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,306
from any of his classmates.
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What? Why not?
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00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,287
Apparently, he's not well liked.
42
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,988
Some of the kids
think he's weird
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because he takes
his shirt off to pee.
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00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:56,748
Yeah, I taught him that.
That's also called "peeing."
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00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:58,516
Pee? Pee now?
46
00:01:58,585 --> 00:01:59,952
No. No, Chris.
47
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:03,455
Why no valentines?
48
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,523
Hey, hey, hey,
stop crying, Chris.
49
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,825
Y-You're gonna...
50
00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:09,161
Y-You're gonna get
tons of valentines.
51
00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:11,529
I am? From who?
52
00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:15,367
Um, from... Arthur Valentine.
53
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:16,868
R-Really?
54
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,670
Yeah, yeah, that's right!
55
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:21,306
Who's Arthur Valentine?
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00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,509
Only the most magical man ever.
57
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:26,878
And he comes every
Valentine's Day on-on a-a...
58
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,481
a purple Vespa to, um...
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00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,783
to bring candy and sweet notes
to children
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00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:34,164
who've managed to not use
any swears in the last year.
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00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,320
He does?
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00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,489
Uh-huh, and he has
a long beard...
63
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,169
Oh, and-and he's got
an eye patch.
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00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,660
B-But not for medical reasons,
he just likes the look.
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00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:44,029
Plus, he-he wears
a Cat in the Hat hat
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00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,665
and sometimes a scarf,
no matter what Lois says
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00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,545
because it gives him
a youthful vibe
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00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,702
and adds some color to his face.
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00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:53,405
We were just trying
to cheer Chris up.
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00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,452
I assumed he'd outgrow it
in a few years,
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00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:58,243
but, Peter, it's time
we have a talk with Chris.
72
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,291
We've got to
put an end to this
Arthur Valentine nonsense.
73
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:03,365
Yeah, I guess you're right.
74
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,300
Well, I best be going anyway.
75
00:03:05,369 --> 00:03:07,602
Donna and I are spending
our Valentine's Day
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00:03:07,671 --> 00:03:10,905
in Johnnie Cochran pajamas,
just caressing each other
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00:03:10,974 --> 00:03:12,907
in a very beige bedroom.
78
00:03:12,976 --> 00:03:14,621
Yeah, and hopefully
Bonnie and I'll
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00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:16,522
do a sexy bath night
like last year.
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00:03:16,546 --> 00:03:17,979
It was amazing.
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00:03:18,047 --> 00:03:20,248
She laid out a trail
of rose petals,
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00:03:20,317 --> 00:03:23,084
and I elbow-crawled to
the sponge and shower chair.
83
00:03:23,153 --> 00:03:26,065
I go down to the video store
and put my hand
on Love Actually
84
00:03:26,089 --> 00:03:28,129
at the same time as a woman,
and I go,
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00:03:28,158 --> 00:03:31,693
"Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!"
86
00:03:31,762 --> 00:03:35,097
What about you, Brian?
What are your plans
for Valentine's Day?
87
00:03:35,165 --> 00:03:38,566
What? Oh, uh,
no real plans, I guess.
88
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:41,381
Ha! Looks like
Brian's the only guy
with nothing going on.
89
00:03:41,405 --> 00:03:43,249
Hey, you can come over
to my house, Brian.
90
00:03:43,273 --> 00:03:44,917
I thought you had
that whole thing with Bonnie.
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00:03:44,941 --> 00:03:48,477
I do,
but she needs help lifting
me into the shower chair.
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00:03:53,517 --> 00:03:54,966
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,203
Our top story, today
the Quahog River was dyed red
94
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,771
in honor of Valentine's Day.
95
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:01,984
So if you're looking
to do a river murder,
96
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:03,425
this could be your window.
97
00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:06,261
Stupid Hallmark holiday anyway.
98
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,074
Oh, hey, Bri.
How's your night going?
99
00:04:08,098 --> 00:04:11,316
I hope
Rupert and I haven't been
too loud up there.
100
00:04:11,384 --> 00:04:14,953
Happy Valentine's Day!
101
00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:17,322
Oh, yeah,
we're gonna go all night.
102
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:20,475
Just leave me alone, Stewie.
103
00:04:20,544 --> 00:04:23,645
Well, Brian, if you're stuck
being a single loser,
104
00:04:23,713 --> 00:04:25,980
you might as well
just embrace it.
105
00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:29,484
Mmm. Oh, yeah.
106
00:04:29,553 --> 00:04:31,097
Wait a minute.
What am I thinking?
107
00:04:31,121 --> 00:04:34,189
Chocolate is
poisonous to dogs.
I better stop or...
108
00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:40,795
Happy Valentine's Day!
109
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,442
Stop the damn banging!
110
00:04:42,466 --> 00:04:45,967
People are trying to have
dignified relations!
111
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,207
Oh, boy, look!
112
00:04:52,276 --> 00:04:55,760
Arthur Valentine brought me
plates and a salt shaker!
113
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,429
Chris, Chris, settle down.
114
00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,409
I-It's actually time
your father and I
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00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,733
had a talk with you
about Arthur Valentine.
116
00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:03,262
Yeah, that's, uh, that's right.
117
00:05:03,286 --> 00:05:06,054
Um, son...
118
00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:08,489
I'm afraid Arthur Valentine
isn't real.
119
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:10,859
What? Not real?
120
00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:13,895
Then who leaves those notes
with all the misspellings?
121
00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:17,165
Well, first, Chris, English
is a very fluid language.
122
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,834
We're sorry, but you're old
enough now to know the truth.
123
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:22,570
He... he doesn't exist.
124
00:05:22,639 --> 00:05:26,007
No! You're both lying!
125
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:28,176
What are we gonna do?
126
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:30,579
It seems like there's
no getting through to him.
127
00:05:30,647 --> 00:05:33,014
You know, if Chris
is this hard to convince,
128
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,349
we may just have to kill
Arthur Valentine.
129
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,018
What? What do you mean?
130
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:41,089
Maybe we make Chris believe
that Arthur Valentine is dead.
131
00:05:41,157 --> 00:05:44,659
Huh. Well, we just
might have to.
132
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,097
Hey, what's the matter, Brian?
133
00:05:49,166 --> 00:05:51,717
Have you fallen
and can't get up?
134
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,219
Turns out, still using
that joke is a felony.
135
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,988
Guess I better not
drop the soap.
136
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,990
That one's the death penalty.
137
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,262
You were very lucky.
138
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,459
We managed
to pump your stomach
just in time.
139
00:06:06,483 --> 00:06:07,949
Oh, thank God.
140
00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:10,362
I had him pump
my stomach, too.
Doc, what was in there?
141
00:06:10,386 --> 00:06:11,997
Well, it's a pretty
extensive list.
142
00:06:12,021 --> 00:06:13,621
I'm gonna need Billy Joel
to help me out.
143
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,701
♪ Lots of Legos,rubber bands ♪
144
00:06:15,725 --> 00:06:17,491
♪ Web-shooting Spider-Man ♪
145
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,305
♪ An old pet rock,an antique clock ♪
146
00:06:19,329 --> 00:06:20,995
♪ A ton of red Play-Doh ♪
147
00:06:21,064 --> 00:06:22,474
♪ Colored pencils,lots of nickels ♪
148
00:06:22,498 --> 00:06:24,376
♪ Half a jarof Vlasic Pickles ♪
149
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,702
♪ Banjo strings,chicken wings,Cassingle by Skee-Lo ♪
150
00:06:27,770 --> 00:06:30,404
♪ I didn't poop those items ♪
151
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:34,275
♪ They were in my tummy'cause they all lookedyummy ♪
152
00:06:34,344 --> 00:06:37,111
♪ He didn't poop those items ♪
153
00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:40,715
♪ He tried to eat 'em,so you shouldn't feed him. ♪
154
00:06:41,852 --> 00:06:43,684
Wow, that was great, Billy!
155
00:06:43,753 --> 00:06:46,787
Hey, does anyone call you
Bill Joel or William Joel?
156
00:06:46,857 --> 00:06:49,924
Uh, no.
Does anyone call you
Petey Griffin?
157
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,871
No, they don't,
because I'm an adult,
158
00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:54,078
which is kind of
what I was getting at.
159
00:06:58,569 --> 00:07:01,653
Ugh. Who sends
a Christmas card
to their vet?
160
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,888
I know. It's so lame, right?
161
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,903
And did you see
the lady outside
with the empty cat carrier?
162
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,693
Ugh. Cry much?
163
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,202
Yeah. Yeah, I bet she actually
thinks that thing loved her.
164
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,765
Hey, I'm Brian.
165
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,866
Shake.
166
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,567
Nice to meet you. I'm Ellie.
167
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:17,936
What are you in for?
168
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:20,382
Uh, I got this small cut,
and they wanted to bandage it
169
00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,707
so I'd stop chewing
the crap out of my foot.
170
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,510
Aw, that sucks. I love chewing
the crap out of my foot.
171
00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,211
I know, it's the best.
172
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,920
But while I was here,
I also had to get...
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00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,202
a prescription filled.
174
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:35,553
Listen, I got to go.
175
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,467
You want to
continue this sometime?
176
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:40,057
Let me give you my number.
It's on the back of here.
177
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,127
- It's this.
- Got it.
178
00:07:44,514 --> 00:07:46,715
See you around, Brian.
179
00:07:46,783 --> 00:07:48,399
Definitely.
180
00:07:48,451 --> 00:07:50,418
Bye, Ellie.
181
00:07:50,486 --> 00:07:53,087
Is this
the Veteran Aryan's office?
182
00:07:53,156 --> 00:07:55,290
No, this is the veterinarian's.
183
00:07:55,358 --> 00:07:58,726
I think you want the Veteran
Aryan's Center next door.
184
00:07:58,795 --> 00:08:02,297
Ah, I see the confusion.
This must happen all the time.
185
00:08:02,365 --> 00:08:03,976
We're ready
for the German shepherd.
186
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,577
Ja, that would be me.
187
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:08,452
This is a very confusing lobby.
188
00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:25,270
Hey. Hey.
189
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:28,017
You think
you could be with me?
Right here? In this place?
190
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,385
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
Sorry, Stewie.
191
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,076
It's-it's just...
192
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:34,579
I met someone amazing
the other day
at the vet's office, and...
193
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,281
Well, she's actually a dog.
194
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,862
And it's
so great dating someone
who understands
195
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,586
why it's especially important
to walk around in a circle
196
00:08:41,654 --> 00:08:43,614
many, many times
before lying down.
197
00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:45,235
So, that's who
you were texting with?
198
00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:47,303
Sort of.
I-I was just rereading
some of the texts
199
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,760
I already sent her.
200
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,762
That's good.
201
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:52,641
You're rereading your own texts?
202
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:54,077
Yeah, do you,
do you not do that?
203
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,167
Nobody does that.
204
00:09:01,691 --> 00:09:03,190
Golden Eagle to Red Shrew.
205
00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:05,004
Ready for the plan?
Come in, Red Shrew.
206
00:09:05,028 --> 00:09:07,907
Peter,we did not decideon those names.
207
00:09:07,931 --> 00:09:11,633
Chris, come down here, quick!
I see
Arthur Valentine outside!
208
00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,201
I think he's come to say hi!
209
00:09:13,269 --> 00:09:14,269
Really?!
210
00:09:14,338 --> 00:09:15,704
Yeah, look.
211
00:09:17,207 --> 00:09:19,207
Oh, my God. Hi, Arthur!
212
00:09:19,276 --> 00:09:22,377
I love you so much,
and I haven't cussed
once today!
213
00:09:22,445 --> 00:09:25,613
Dad, get the bowl of tuna
from under my bed!
214
00:09:30,404 --> 00:09:32,303
Arthur!
215
00:09:32,356 --> 00:09:34,522
Oh, my God, he's dead.
216
00:09:34,591 --> 00:09:35,790
He's dead!
217
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:44,315
Mission accomplished,
Red Shrew.
Over and out.
218
00:09:44,383 --> 00:09:46,383
Huh. That looks tasty.
219
00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:50,421
Little walkie-talkie piece.
220
00:09:56,913 --> 00:09:59,413
God, I forgot
how much I love art.
221
00:09:59,482 --> 00:10:01,093
Hey, who's your favorite artist?
222
00:10:01,117 --> 00:10:02,717
Me? Uh...
223
00:10:04,321 --> 00:10:06,687
You know, I really like,
uh, that Jackson "Polack."
224
00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:09,068
You know, I-I know they're not
supposed to be that bright,
225
00:10:09,092 --> 00:10:10,937
but that was, that was
pretty genius, you know?
226
00:10:10,961 --> 00:10:13,772
I mean, leave it,
leave it to a Polack
to just grab the paint
227
00:10:13,796 --> 00:10:15,607
with his hands and just start
chucking it everywhere.
228
00:10:15,631 --> 00:10:17,031
I mean, it's great.
229
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,945
It's pronounced "Pollock."
230
00:10:18,969 --> 00:10:21,502
But, Brian, you don't
have to keep trying so hard
231
00:10:21,571 --> 00:10:22,670
to impress me.
232
00:10:22,739 --> 00:10:24,388
I already really like you.
233
00:10:24,441 --> 00:10:26,073
You do? Thanks.
234
00:10:26,142 --> 00:10:28,610
I-I really like you, too, Ellie.
235
00:10:28,678 --> 00:10:32,547
Truth is, I haven't
felt this way with anyone
in a long time.
236
00:10:32,616 --> 00:10:34,560
Listen, I'm really sorry
to cut things short,
237
00:10:34,584 --> 00:10:36,684
but I've got to go;
I have rehearsal.
238
00:10:36,753 --> 00:10:38,620
- Oh, what, for a play?
- No.
239
00:10:38,688 --> 00:10:41,923
It's kind of dumb,
but it's for a dog show.
240
00:10:41,991 --> 00:10:43,224
Oh, you're a show dog?
241
00:10:43,293 --> 00:10:45,438
No wonder you have
such a perfectly coiffed anus.
242
00:10:45,462 --> 00:10:46,462
Thank you.
243
00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:48,463
No, thank you. It's perfect.
244
00:10:48,532 --> 00:10:51,176
I mean, I...
God, I-I bet every
time you go snarfling on it,
245
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,945
you have to stop and admire it.
246
00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,009
Come on, now, Brian.
247
00:10:54,037 --> 00:10:56,037
A lady has to have
a few secrets.
248
00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,157
Man, she is something else.
249
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:03,161
This must be how Ronald Reagan
felt about Nancy.
250
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:06,497
Nancy, will you make me
the happiest man in the world
251
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:08,967
by turning a blind eye
to the AIDS crisis
252
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:12,170
and ineffectually
trying to warn
young people about drugs?
253
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,238
Yes!
254
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,906
Oh, yes, Ronnie! Yes!
255
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:16,619
♪ If you're too young ♪
256
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:18,603
♪ Those are boththings she did! ♪
257
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:27,096
Peter, I'm really worried
about Chris.
258
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,353
The shock of seeing
Arthur Valentine die
259
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,266
seems to have
really gotten to him.
260
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:34,392
I-I've never seen him
so depressed and catatonic.
261
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:35,838
Well, you know, in Awakenings,
262
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,407
Robin Williams
tossed a baseball
to Robert De Niro,
263
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:39,842
and he snapped out of it
and caught it.
264
00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,116
M-Maybe we do that.
265
00:11:41,184 --> 00:11:43,918
Chris, you doing okay?
266
00:11:43,987 --> 00:11:45,587
It's Mom and Dad.
267
00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,433
We thought we'd... Awakenings!
268
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:48,634
Peter, I'm not sure that's...
269
00:11:48,658 --> 00:11:49,658
Awakenings!
270
00:11:49,726 --> 00:11:50,769
You're gonna hurt him if you...
271
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:51,793
Awakenings!
272
00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:53,161
Peter, knock it off.
273
00:11:53,230 --> 00:11:56,264
I never thought Chris would
take things so hard.
274
00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:59,033
I think we went too far
by killing Arthur Valentine.
275
00:11:59,102 --> 00:12:01,068
We have to bring him
back to life.
276
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:02,537
What? Are you serious?
277
00:12:02,606 --> 00:12:05,273
It's the only thing
that'll snap him out of it.
278
00:12:05,342 --> 00:12:08,009
Well, maybe, but what if
I try it with a basketball?
279
00:12:08,077 --> 00:12:09,344
Awakenings!
280
00:12:09,412 --> 00:12:11,012
Oh, God, that broke his nose.
281
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,714
He didn't even flinch.
It's bad. Let's do your thing.
282
00:12:13,783 --> 00:12:16,028
Let's-let's twirl some
toilet paper up into his nose,
283
00:12:16,052 --> 00:12:18,419
and-and then when...
we'll-we'll do your thing.
284
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,142
Wow, thanks again.
285
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:25,843
What a nice dinner.
286
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:27,979
I'm so lucky
to have met you, Brian.
287
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:30,014
You're such an amazing guy.
288
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,349
I'd say we're both lucky.
289
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,651
Oh, no, no, no, wait!
290
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:35,386
Don't-don't do that.
291
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:36,988
What-what? What's the matter?
292
00:12:37,056 --> 00:12:38,689
Oh, brutal.
293
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,358
Yeah, that's gonna be
a terrible car ride, man.
294
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:44,345
I would hate to be you,
and I'm me.
295
00:12:44,414 --> 00:12:45,713
I'm really sorry, Brian.
296
00:12:45,781 --> 00:12:47,759
It's not that I don't
want to kiss you.
297
00:12:47,783 --> 00:12:51,219
I smell
the poop on your breath,
and then that's all I want,
298
00:12:51,287 --> 00:12:53,354
but my owners
made an arrangement
299
00:12:53,423 --> 00:12:55,690
with the organizers
of the next dog show.
300
00:12:55,758 --> 00:12:58,392
They paid a lot of money
to schedule me to breed
301
00:12:58,461 --> 00:13:01,095
with whichever male dog
wins the competition.
302
00:13:01,163 --> 00:13:04,031
What, like...
like breed breed?
303
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,745
I know it might seem odd to you,
304
00:13:05,769 --> 00:13:08,269
but this happens
in the dog show world.
305
00:13:08,337 --> 00:13:11,105
I have to have sex with
whichever male dog wins,
306
00:13:11,173 --> 00:13:12,957
whoever that ends up being.
307
00:13:15,412 --> 00:13:17,445
Stewie, we're entering
a dog show!
308
00:13:18,781 --> 00:13:20,560
- Where's Stewie?
- He ate me!
309
00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:22,684
- I ate him.
- ♪ He ate Stewie, holy crap ♪
310
00:13:22,752 --> 00:13:25,186
♪ Family Guy
will be right back! ♪
311
00:13:30,427 --> 00:13:31,770
All right, Brian.
Now, if we're going to get you
312
00:13:31,794 --> 00:13:33,573
ready to compete
in that dog show,
313
00:13:33,597 --> 00:13:35,257
we've got a lot
of training to cover.
314
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:37,426
Let's begin by doing
some work with the clicker.
315
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,162
Oh, yeah, I've seen these.
316
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,930
You click it when
you want me to do a trick,
317
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,099
and then I get a treat,
so I associate the two.
318
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,356
No. I use it
to punctuate my jokes.
319
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:48,359
Now, Brian you've got to roll
over and be good on all fours.
320
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:50,561
If Nathan Lane can do it,
so can you.
321
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,574
Okay.
322
00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:55,011
But maybe we should just focus
on getting ready for the show.
323
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,712
Well, look who wants
to be prepared.
324
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,081
You're a regular Beagle Scout.
325
00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:01,973
Wait, shouldn't I be the one
who clicks if I like the joke?
326
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,886
You can't just click
after everything you say.
327
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:06,588
If it's funny, I can.
And so far,
they've all landed.
328
00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:09,314
Unlike the planes on 9/11.
329
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,882
See? No click.
330
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:13,084
That one was in poor taste.
Not funny.
331
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:14,697
You know, I was supposed to be
on one of those planes.
332
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,054
Yeah, me, too.
333
00:14:22,412 --> 00:14:24,412
Um, yes. Brian Griffin.
334
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,625
Brian?
335
00:14:25,649 --> 00:14:27,231
What are you doing here?
336
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,845
Oh, hey!
337
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:31,109
Uh, you know, I...
You-you just made dog shows
338
00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:33,972
sound so fun the other day,
I-I thought I'd give it a try.
339
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,474
Who knows?
Maybe I'll end up top dog.
340
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,987
And on top of you.
341
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,605
Thanks, Stewie.
342
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,408
Brian, most of these dogs
have been training
since birth.
343
00:14:42,432 --> 00:14:44,143
Are you sure
you're ready for this?
344
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:46,467
You bet I am.
I've never been so prepared.
345
00:14:46,536 --> 00:14:48,102
I'm a regular Beagle Scout.
346
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:53,907
That's hilarious.
347
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:54,976
Good luck, Brian.
348
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,264
Chris, you got to
snap out of this.
349
00:15:05,288 --> 00:15:08,072
I mean, I've been
where you're at.
350
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:10,741
Listen,
I've never told anyone this,
351
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:13,911
but I killed a jaywalker
in 2002.
352
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,414
She looked old,
but she was only 51.
353
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,561
I mean, back then,
that was old to me.
354
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,619
It's why I always talk
and ask questions so much.
355
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:24,989
When there's any moment
of quiet, I think about her.
356
00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:27,458
That's why all mothers do that.
357
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,228
Every mother has killed someone.
358
00:15:31,397 --> 00:15:33,231
Now drink your ginger ale.
359
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,300
Hey, hey, hey!
360
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,933
It's Arthur Valentine,
361
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:38,503
here to accelerate awkwardly
into a bush.
362
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,706
Damn it!
363
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:46,410
Arthur...
364
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,495
Valentine?
365
00:15:48,564 --> 00:15:50,631
Chris! You're okay!
366
00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:52,833
But I saw him die.
367
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:55,002
That can only mean one thing.
368
00:15:55,071 --> 00:15:56,837
He must be a zombie!
369
00:15:56,906 --> 00:15:58,889
What? No! No, no. What?!
370
00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:02,426
Stop!
371
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:03,655
What the hell are you doing?!
372
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,230
I've seen The Walking Dead!
373
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,748
I have to destroy your brain
374
00:16:07,816 --> 00:16:09,901
and then talk about it
for the next hour!
375
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,413
- Chris, take it easy!
- Get off of him!
376
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,718
- You're gonna kill me!
- It's not what you think!
377
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,207
Dad?
378
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,675
But... I don't...
379
00:16:17,743 --> 00:16:18,910
I... How did...
380
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,978
I'm not Arthur Valentine, son.
381
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,847
We're so sorry, Chris.
382
00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:24,816
Now do you understand?
383
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:27,468
There is no Arthur Valentine?
384
00:16:27,537 --> 00:16:29,870
We never meant
to hurt you, buddy.
385
00:16:33,476 --> 00:16:36,422
Valentine's Daywould take on new meaningfor Chris
386
00:16:36,446 --> 00:16:38,111
in the years to come,
387
00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:42,249
but he would remember none
so bittersweetly as this one.
388
00:16:42,318 --> 00:16:46,070
This is Joe Swanson,
signing off.
389
00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:47,683
Joe, your mom died.
390
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:48,856
Seriously?
391
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,294
How you doing?
You feeling good?
392
00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,929
Because this thing
is gonna come down
to the arbitrary whims
393
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,553
of whatever elderly volunteers
394
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:05,000
were able
to get transportation
here on a Tuesday.
395
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,757
Yeah, I... Hey, watch it!
396
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,125
The hell's his problem?
397
00:17:08,177 --> 00:17:09,855
Careful.
That's your competition.
398
00:17:09,879 --> 00:17:11,211
His name's Max.
399
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,181
He's a four-time winner
and kind of a crowd favorite.
400
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,379
Okay, who wants
to start the dog show?
401
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,685
Who wants to start it?
402
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,887
Yes, you all want to start
the dog show, don't you?
403
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:27,377
Don't you?
404
00:17:27,446 --> 00:17:30,331
♪ ♪
405
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,667
♪ ♪
406
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,384
That'll do it for the males.
407
00:18:12,408 --> 00:18:14,420
And as our judges
tabulate the results,
408
00:18:14,444 --> 00:18:17,028
we can now announce
our female division.
409
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,863
The winning bitch,
for the tenth year in a row,
410
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,033
is Katherine Heigl!
411
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,879
Thank you, thank you.
412
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,954
No, but for real,
it's that dog
Ellie over there.
413
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:35,212
And our winner
in the male division is...
414
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,981
Brian Griffin!
415
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,049
Yes!
416
00:18:44,073 --> 00:18:45,918
Man, thank you for
all your help, Stewie.
417
00:18:45,942 --> 00:18:47,119
I really couldn't have
done it...
418
00:18:47,143 --> 00:18:48,343
What the... What's going on?
419
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,031
This-this is it?
420
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,133
It's happening right here?
Right now?
421
00:18:56,202 --> 00:18:58,802
Uh-huh. They have to certify
the union, Brian.
422
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:00,288
Stud is ready to mount.
423
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:01,705
Please turn up the lights.
424
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,974
What? No!
No, the opposite!
425
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:05,654
In fact, could someone
maybe turn on
426
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,261
some-some Drake or The Weeknd?
427
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,730
Ha! He's blowing it!
He can't do it!
428
00:19:09,798 --> 00:19:11,726
Quagmire?!
What are you doing here?
429
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,083
Oh, I have an all-access pass
430
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,247
to anything in this town
that's sex-related.
431
00:19:15,271 --> 00:19:16,770
Offering manual assistance.
432
00:19:16,839 --> 00:19:18,122
Commencing union.
433
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,169
Okay, okay, thanks, man,
but, yeah, no,
434
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,759
I-I got this, I got this.
435
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,506
If-if you just-just give me
a second to get, like,
436
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:24,828
a scenario in my head.
437
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,964
Uh, maybe a hot babysitter
438
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:29,967
who needs to pay for college
so she, uh... -
439
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,730
Can somebody please
shut those dogs up?!
440
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:34,255
This specimen is
unable to perform.
441
00:19:34,323 --> 00:19:35,840
Please bring in the boxer.
442
00:19:41,998 --> 00:19:43,408
I'm sorry, Brian, but this is
443
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,199
what I was trying to tell you.
444
00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:48,368
I'm sorry, too, but I see now
that you were right.
445
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,415
I'm just not sure
how this could work
446
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,907
or-or how our relationship
could fit into your world.
447
00:19:52,975 --> 00:19:54,586
Hey, less talk!
448
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,343
I guess this is good-bye.
449
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:57,756
I guess it is.
450
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,746
I'll always remember you, Brian.
451
00:19:59,816 --> 00:20:01,660
And I'll always
remember you, Ellie.
452
00:20:01,684 --> 00:20:05,019
I promise to name
one of the puppies after you.
453
00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:07,332
Let's just cross our fingers...
454
00:20:07,356 --> 00:20:09,623
it's not one of the ones
he eats.
455
00:20:09,692 --> 00:20:11,358
Thanks. That means a lot...
456
00:20:11,426 --> 00:20:13,304
Okay, we're at the part
where he bites down
457
00:20:13,328 --> 00:20:15,406
on the back of my neck, so we
should probably wrap this up.
458
00:20:15,430 --> 00:20:16,797
Yup.
459
00:20:16,866 --> 00:20:20,201
Whoa! Max's grandfather
may have been a horse.
460
00:20:20,269 --> 00:20:21,635
Come on, let's just go home.
461
00:20:21,704 --> 00:20:23,203
Okay.
462
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:26,156
Is this the romantic ending
you were hoping for?
463
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,425
Look, that was a tricky
situation, all right?
464
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,305
The lights, the people watching.
465
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,207
If-if it hadn't been
for all that, I...
466
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,143
trust me, I-I would've,
I would've set
her world on fire.
467
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,878
No way.
You didn't even
start the fire.
468
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,101
Oh, no.
469
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,681
♪ Nancy Reagan,preschool Chris ♪
470
00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:41,272
♪ Nosey valet, young Lois ♪
471
00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:42,973
♪ German guy, lots of dogs ♪
472
00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:44,508
♪ Arthur Valentine ♪
473
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,511
♪ We didn't write an ending ♪
474
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:51,482
♪ So we're all together,trying to make it better ♪
475
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:54,485
♪ They didn'twrite an ending ♪
476
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:57,788
♪ But what the heck?I'll still take the check ♪
477
00:20:57,856 --> 00:20:59,790
♪ The check, the check. ♪
478
00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,276
Mom killed a jaywalker.
35915
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