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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,447 --> 00:00:07,166 # Stick a pony in me pocket 2 00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:10,840 # I'll fetch the suitcase from the van 3 00:00:11,847 --> 00:00:15,681 # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions 4 00:00:15,847 --> 00:00:18,725 # Then, brother, I'm your man 5 00:00:19,607 --> 00:00:22,838 # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery 6 00:00:23,007 --> 00:00:26,841 # It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea 7 00:00:27,007 --> 00:00:30,443 # But here's the one what's driving me berserk: 8 00:00:30,887 --> 00:00:34,084 # Why do only fools and horses work? # 9 00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:54,399 Del... got a minute to run a leather over my Mini? 10 00:00:57,567 --> 00:01:00,764 Marlene, I'm not a car cleaner. 11 00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:05,318 I merely agreed to do some driving for Boycie. 12 00:01:05,487 --> 00:01:10,402 Sorry, darling, I forgot. Just doing it to earn some money? 13 00:01:11,087 --> 00:01:13,999 No, no. This is a hobby of mine. 14 00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:19,639 I love driving you and Boycie to weddings, waiting till midnight. 15 00:01:19,807 --> 00:01:24,039 Yes, Marlene, I'm doing it to earn a few quid. 16 00:01:24,207 --> 00:01:28,564 I've got a few problems on the financial front. 17 00:01:28,727 --> 00:01:32,117 Being bankrupt doesn't help, does it? 18 00:01:33,687 --> 00:01:36,679 I never thought of that! 19 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:38,200 Marlene, 20 00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:42,360 finish your make-up. You should be ready for the second coat. 21 00:01:42,527 --> 00:01:47,521 Keep your noise down, Boycie, or people will think we're vulgar! 22 00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:52,556 - Del, coffee? - Cheers, Boyce. 23 00:01:52,727 --> 00:01:56,845 No, I mean go and make me a cup! 24 00:01:58,127 --> 00:02:01,358 Boyce, you know this car's a GTi? 25 00:02:01,527 --> 00:02:03,916 If you rearrange the letters, 26 00:02:04,087 --> 00:02:07,602 you've got a personalised number plate! 27 00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:10,361 Two sugars in mine. 28 00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:21,479 - Good afternoon! - Afternoon. 29 00:02:21,647 --> 00:02:24,366 Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved? 30 00:02:25,647 --> 00:02:28,559 Er, no. They're in prison. 31 00:02:28,727 --> 00:02:32,436 - What? - I'm searching the house. 32 00:02:32,607 --> 00:02:35,440 - I'm from the Drug Squad. - My word! 33 00:02:37,487 --> 00:02:41,639 They will be on parole soon, so watch your step! 34 00:02:41,807 --> 00:02:43,559 Thank you, Officer. 35 00:02:44,807 --> 00:02:47,196 Not at all, Ma'am. 36 00:02:48,527 --> 00:02:51,121 "Two sugars"! 37 00:02:52,887 --> 00:02:58,280 I shouldn't go in my condition. I can't smell my own aftershave. 38 00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:01,359 But I can't smell Del's either, so that's a plus! 39 00:03:01,527 --> 00:03:04,166 Keep your mouth shut at this wedding. 40 00:03:04,327 --> 00:03:06,761 Don't be sarcastic to my family. 41 00:03:06,927 --> 00:03:09,999 That'll limit the conversation! 42 00:03:10,167 --> 00:03:13,398 They make Grant Mitchell look intelligent! 43 00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:20,040 I'm fed up having to defend you. OK, you're ugly, but successful. 44 00:03:20,847 --> 00:03:26,160 It's taken years to convince my mum you're not a vampire! 45 00:03:28,687 --> 00:03:31,724 Looking forward to the wedding? 46 00:03:32,527 --> 00:03:35,200 You look lovely, darling! 47 00:03:40,207 --> 00:03:44,519 Did I tell you about my new business deal? 48 00:03:44,687 --> 00:03:47,804 Yes, two or three dozen times! 49 00:03:47,967 --> 00:03:53,121 In a few weeks, Boycie will fly to Paris to sign the contract! 50 00:03:53,287 --> 00:03:59,840 - He'll be a multimillionaire! - I'll wet meself in a minute. 51 00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:03,966 Should we buy a new house or have this renovated? 52 00:04:04,127 --> 00:04:07,039 Marlene, have some sensitivity. 53 00:04:07,207 --> 00:04:12,235 Don't talk about millions and big houses in front of Del. 54 00:04:12,407 --> 00:04:17,879 It must have been awful for you and Raquel having that money 55 00:04:18,047 --> 00:04:22,404 - and then losing it. - Good comes out of bad, Boycie. 56 00:04:22,567 --> 00:04:28,119 Raquel says she now appreciates the little things of life. 57 00:04:29,927 --> 00:04:34,318 Marlene knows all about that. She had no choice! 58 00:04:38,247 --> 00:04:43,526 When the contract's signed, Del, we'll get together for a chat 59 00:04:43,687 --> 00:04:46,804 about what you did when you became a millionaire. 60 00:04:46,967 --> 00:04:51,245 Make sure I don't make the same mistakes! 61 00:04:55,407 --> 00:04:58,843 Marlene, where's my hair gel? 62 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:02,761 - Wherever you left it. - Oh. 63 00:05:57,007 --> 00:05:59,646 - Uncle Rodders... - Hmm? 64 00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:02,879 What was my dad like as a teenager? 65 00:06:03,047 --> 00:06:04,366 Horrible. 66 00:06:05,607 --> 00:06:08,121 Boo Yukka Shah! 67 00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:14,640 - Uncle Rodders... - Hmm? 68 00:06:14,807 --> 00:06:18,402 - What'll I be like in my teens? - Horrible. 69 00:06:19,287 --> 00:06:20,606 Yes! 70 00:06:21,407 --> 00:06:24,638 Mum, Rodders says I'll be horrible when I grow up. 71 00:06:24,807 --> 00:06:29,278 - Did he? - All teenagers are horrible. 72 00:06:29,447 --> 00:06:34,475 - The "Kevin and Perry" period. - They are a bit annoying. 73 00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:39,675 But when you're 21, a man becomes sensible and normal. 74 00:06:39,847 --> 00:06:46,161 Anyway, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel. 75 00:06:48,607 --> 00:06:54,045 So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac! 76 00:06:54,207 --> 00:06:57,244 That's the theory, anyway! 77 00:06:57,407 --> 00:07:00,080 What's happening? Anything on the go? 78 00:07:00,247 --> 00:07:04,081 - What's that? - Nothing to worry about. 79 00:07:04,247 --> 00:07:10,402 I'm the managing director of Trotters Independent Traders. 80 00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:13,161 Cool! He's better than "The Beano"! 81 00:07:14,927 --> 00:07:18,476 - Hang about. - You were declared bankrupt. 82 00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:23,675 You're banned from running any company or dealing in shares. 83 00:07:23,847 --> 00:07:28,204 You can't even ride past the Stock Exchange on a bike! 84 00:07:28,367 --> 00:07:31,200 You owe the Inland Revenue P50,000! 85 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:35,565 Who's out earning money, driving for Boycie, 86 00:07:35,727 --> 00:07:40,118 - while you sit on your IQ! - I'm trying to eat! 87 00:07:40,287 --> 00:07:46,237 I'll take this conference call into the boardroom. All right! 88 00:07:46,407 --> 00:07:49,080 Sorry, pal, what did you say? 89 00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:52,922 Just Rodney reminding me who's in charge. 90 00:07:53,087 --> 00:07:55,123 What? 91 00:07:56,647 --> 00:07:58,000 A-ha! 92 00:07:59,287 --> 00:08:03,280 Sorry to spoil your appetite, but we can't hide from this. 93 00:08:03,447 --> 00:08:08,567 We need the money or the Inland Revenue will sell this flat 94 00:08:08,727 --> 00:08:12,322 and we'll all be up... I don't know. 95 00:08:12,487 --> 00:08:15,843 - I've got responsibilities. - I know. 96 00:08:16,007 --> 00:08:20,080 - Del will think of something. - Should that encourage me? 97 00:08:20,247 --> 00:08:24,843 - Del got us in this mess! - The judge blamed both of you! 98 00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:29,159 "Like two Neros playing while your empire burnt." 99 00:08:29,327 --> 00:08:34,560 We may have been two Neros, but only one was fiddling! 100 00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:38,440 Yeah, cushty, Monkey. 101 00:08:38,607 --> 00:08:41,963 All right, we'll see you, Monkey. 102 00:08:42,127 --> 00:08:45,199 Bonjour, Monkey. That was Monkey. 103 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:52,442 He's had a consignment of log-effect fires from Slovakia. 104 00:08:52,607 --> 00:08:57,522 I don't want a load of Slovakian log-effect fires. 105 00:08:57,687 --> 00:09:01,521 - That's what I told him. - Oh. Good. 106 00:09:01,687 --> 00:09:06,397 - How did you know that? - We know what we both think. 107 00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:09,957 We've always been telescopic. 108 00:09:10,127 --> 00:09:13,802 These gas fires, they're selling like hot cakes. 109 00:09:13,967 --> 00:09:16,606 Paddy the Greek bought 150. 110 00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:21,158 He sold 'em to a builder for 50 quid a pop. 111 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:25,400 - P50 apiece? - Yep. And Lenny the gas fitter. 112 00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:29,196 He's putting one in each room of a big house he's doing. 113 00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:34,282 I thought, "Easy money." Then I thought, "There's business, 114 00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:38,406 "and then there's what Rodney's doing." 115 00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:42,799 - We're into party planning! - Yes. 116 00:09:42,967 --> 00:09:46,642 - It's big. - Yes, up in Sloane Square 117 00:09:46,807 --> 00:09:50,686 where they like a roasted pepper and couscous! 118 00:09:50,847 --> 00:09:55,125 In Peckham they like a kebab and a tattoo! 119 00:09:55,287 --> 00:09:59,439 They are very fond of log-effect gas fires. 120 00:09:59,607 --> 00:10:03,077 Well, I am interested in them now. 121 00:10:03,247 --> 00:10:06,523 Good. I told him we'd have 20. 122 00:10:09,127 --> 00:10:12,324 Oi! Oi, oi, will you stop that? 123 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:15,160 That is your uncle's urn! 124 00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:23,196 - What are you doing up? - It's a daytime tradition! 125 00:10:23,367 --> 00:10:27,804 Yes, but you're pregnant. You must rest. Where were you going? 126 00:10:27,967 --> 00:10:30,481 - To get some juice. - I'll get it. 127 00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:32,922 - I can get the juice. - I'll get the juice. 128 00:10:33,087 --> 00:10:37,922 - I'm good at getting juice. - For God's sake, I'll get it! 129 00:10:38,087 --> 00:10:40,442 Damien, get the juice. 130 00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:46,284 You've got to calm down, Rodney. You'll be a nervous wreck. 131 00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:51,396 You've got to be strong, physically and mentally. 132 00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:54,764 I remember the night Damien was born. 133 00:10:56,127 --> 00:10:59,164 It was a wonderful moment. 134 00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:03,605 But it was very traumatic and very stressful. 135 00:11:05,127 --> 00:11:09,518 It wasn't a walk in the park for Raquel, either! 136 00:11:09,687 --> 00:11:13,680 No, it wasn't. I'll get some more tea. 137 00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:19,080 I'm getting some cereal. Me, not you, not anyone else. Just me. 138 00:11:19,247 --> 00:11:21,841 OK. Just be careful. 139 00:11:22,007 --> 00:11:23,998 Oh, my God! 140 00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:27,637 Rodney, sit down. Behaving like a moby. 141 00:11:27,807 --> 00:11:33,040 I've waited a long time for this baby. It mustn't go wrong. 142 00:11:33,207 --> 00:11:35,243 Fair enough. 143 00:11:35,407 --> 00:11:39,241 There's one thing I don't understand. 144 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:44,356 A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying for a baby. 145 00:11:44,527 --> 00:11:47,439 You was at it like a pair of goats. 146 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:52,840 You became so pale you had to have your passport photo redone. 147 00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,683 Stop discussing my private life in front of Damien! 148 00:11:57,847 --> 00:12:00,077 Yes, OK. Sorry. 149 00:12:00,247 --> 00:12:04,525 Anyway, when nothing happened, she sent you to Harley Street 150 00:12:04,687 --> 00:12:09,317 - to have your whatsit tested. - I know! 151 00:12:09,487 --> 00:12:14,197 I couldn't get the milk in the fridge for specimens! 152 00:12:17,527 --> 00:12:22,999 You said if it wasn't for the magazines, you'd pack it in! 153 00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:31,085 We weren't successful at first. They thought I had a low count. 154 00:12:31,247 --> 00:12:36,605 You were to and fro for ages. Shame they didn't do air miles! 155 00:12:36,767 --> 00:12:40,919 Low count? Who was on the calculator - Trigger? 156 00:12:41,087 --> 00:12:42,725 I don't believe you! 157 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,675 Then you change your mind about having a chavvy 158 00:12:46,847 --> 00:12:49,520 and go late-night shopping at family planning. 159 00:12:49,687 --> 00:12:54,158 We discussed it. Our initial reaction was, naturally, 160 00:12:54,327 --> 00:12:58,320 to wait until the financial climate was more conducive. 161 00:12:58,487 --> 00:13:02,002 Then we had a change of heart. 162 00:13:02,167 --> 00:13:07,161 I understand that. But you'll have the bailiffs as godparents! 163 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:13,884 This baby is a token of our belief in our marriage, 164 00:13:14,047 --> 00:13:18,120 in Trotters Independent Traders and in the future of Britain. 165 00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:24,123 But most important, as a token of our belief in this family. 166 00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:26,005 Rodney... 167 00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:31,521 ...if your mother could hear you she'd be so proud. 168 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:34,918 - It's how we feel. - Good boy! 169 00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:40,362 - I know how you get babies. - I bet you do! 170 00:13:40,527 --> 00:13:43,405 It must have been horrible! 171 00:13:44,087 --> 00:13:46,555 He's a lad, isn't he? 172 00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:50,606 - I'll kick his teeth in! - Thank you. 173 00:13:54,047 --> 00:13:59,201 He does my head in. I bet he nicked your contraceptive pills. 174 00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:05,715 - Don't be so silly! - No, I searched this flat! 175 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,526 No, it was him, rat boy! 176 00:14:09,127 --> 00:14:12,756 - He's only young. - He seems to know everything. 177 00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:16,966 He's a cross between Harry Potter and Swampy. 178 00:14:17,127 --> 00:14:22,281 Rodders, we've got business to sort out. Go and start the van. 179 00:14:22,447 --> 00:14:25,996 He ain't used to me being in charge yet! 180 00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,237 - See you later. - Bye. 181 00:14:28,407 --> 00:14:29,965 Bye! 182 00:14:30,887 --> 00:14:32,764 "Final reminder". 183 00:14:32,927 --> 00:14:34,883 "Final reminder". 184 00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:36,958 "Final reminder". 185 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:40,836 "This is not a circular". No, it's a final reminder. 186 00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:43,601 This letter's addressed to Albert Trotter. 187 00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:47,396 The Royal Naval Association. They haven't heard. 188 00:14:47,567 --> 00:14:51,242 - Should we open it? - No, leave it to Del. 189 00:14:51,407 --> 00:14:55,878 I'm off, sweetheart. See you later, Cassandra. 190 00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:59,562 A letter's arrived from the Seamen's Association. 191 00:14:59,727 --> 00:15:02,321 Oh, that'll be for Rodney. 192 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,803 Tea, please, Carol. All right, Boycie? 193 00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:22,685 Denzil. 194 00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:27,003 What's happening? 195 00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:29,965 One of nature's great phenomenons. 196 00:15:30,127 --> 00:15:34,166 One that, sadly, David Attenborough has ignored. 197 00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:38,639 It's called "The Trotters try to park a three-wheel van". 198 00:15:38,807 --> 00:15:43,244 No, hard on your left! Right, that's it. 199 00:15:43,407 --> 00:15:45,921 - Hard on your left! - My left? 200 00:15:46,087 --> 00:15:48,078 Right hand down! 201 00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:52,525 - Hard on your left, Dave! - Will you shut up! 202 00:15:52,687 --> 00:15:54,040 Eh? 203 00:15:54,207 --> 00:15:56,437 It's the wrong angle! 204 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:59,075 How's business? 205 00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:01,397 What business? 206 00:16:02,447 --> 00:16:06,759 I just got myself a new truck and haven't had any work since. 207 00:16:06,927 --> 00:16:12,081 - It's all bad news these days. - You could be wrong. 208 00:16:13,287 --> 00:16:15,847 I'm in the motor trade, right? 209 00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:18,726 Recently, a fellow mason from my lodge 210 00:16:18,887 --> 00:16:24,405 mentioned my firm to a player whose name I cannot divulge. 211 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:29,721 He's a Lebanese gentleman who's made his mark in Europe. 212 00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:36,079 I'll pull out and straighten up. 213 00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:43,757 They reverse vasectomies quicker than this! 214 00:16:43,927 --> 00:16:47,602 - Shut up, will ya? - Hard on your left, Dave! 215 00:16:50,327 --> 00:16:53,285 So, what's his business? 216 00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:56,564 He's in the commercial sector. 217 00:16:56,727 --> 00:17:00,481 Negotiations are at a very sensitive stage. 218 00:17:00,647 --> 00:17:04,799 But in a few weeks, Boyce Autos could own the UK franchise 219 00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:07,322 for most of them cheap cars in Europe. 220 00:17:07,487 --> 00:17:10,763 Great! So where do I fit in? 221 00:17:10,927 --> 00:17:13,600 You? You don't. 222 00:17:16,887 --> 00:17:19,276 So why are you telling me, then? 223 00:17:19,447 --> 00:17:22,598 You said it was all bad news, but it isn't. 224 00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:26,840 Next month, I could be a millionaire. 225 00:17:27,007 --> 00:17:29,965 I don't soddin' believe you, Boycie! 226 00:17:30,127 --> 00:17:32,721 I'm trying to cheer you up. 227 00:17:33,967 --> 00:17:36,561 Can you smell onions? 228 00:17:41,247 --> 00:17:44,159 If you can't do it, I'll do it myself! 229 00:17:44,327 --> 00:17:49,959 - Oi! Who's running this firm? - It's got you puzzled as well? 230 00:18:01,127 --> 00:18:02,799 At last! 231 00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:09,716 - You can't park there, Dave. - Eh? 232 00:18:09,887 --> 00:18:12,640 Too close to a council installation. 233 00:18:14,607 --> 00:18:19,123 It's my duty as an environmental hygienist to uphold the law. 234 00:18:19,287 --> 00:18:22,404 - What's in that thing? - Freezing salt. 235 00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:27,687 People like me have to spread it on the roads in icy conditions. 236 00:18:28,447 --> 00:18:30,597 What icy conditions?! 237 00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:34,680 I attend lectures on modern climactic change. 238 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:39,045 What with global warming and Al Pacino... 239 00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:41,880 El Nino, Trig. 240 00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:46,317 You don't know what's gonna happen. 241 00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:49,925 We're getting a bite to eat. 242 00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,716 If I buy you two pints and a cheese roll 243 00:18:53,887 --> 00:18:56,765 will you turn a blind eye? 244 00:18:56,927 --> 00:18:59,600 - Are you bribing me? - Yes. 245 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:04,077 - All right, then. - Good. Come on, let's go. 246 00:19:05,087 --> 00:19:08,045 I'll tell 'em what I think of 'em. 247 00:19:08,207 --> 00:19:12,200 - What's up? - Neighbours won't talk to us. 248 00:19:12,367 --> 00:19:16,645 They're looking down their noses like we're criminals! 249 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:20,880 They're jealous about my European deal. Ignore 'em. 250 00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:25,477 - OK, what's so funny? - Your advert! 251 00:19:25,647 --> 00:19:28,480 It's just stupid. Look, Rodney, 252 00:19:28,647 --> 00:19:32,959 - I used to run my own firm. - You got probation for that. 253 00:19:33,127 --> 00:19:37,484 It didn't go as I'd planned, true, but the point is, 254 00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:42,004 - nobody reads the small ads. - That's where you're wrong. 255 00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:47,400 Two months ago, Boycie put an ad in for his car firm. 256 00:19:47,567 --> 00:19:52,038 It read, "Urgently required, security guard." 257 00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:56,166 That night, his showroom was burgled. 258 00:19:58,807 --> 00:20:02,004 Someone reads the small ads! 259 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:06,160 - He's right! - I've got business to see to. 260 00:20:06,327 --> 00:20:10,843 You've got to cash that giro cheque, haven't you? 261 00:20:12,527 --> 00:20:16,122 Hello, Cassandra. How's my godchild? 262 00:20:16,287 --> 00:20:19,438 I don't know, Mickey, but MY baby's fine. 263 00:20:21,127 --> 00:20:23,800 - Here's the mum-to-be. - Hello! 264 00:20:23,967 --> 00:20:27,084 What are you doing walking about? 265 00:20:27,247 --> 00:20:33,038 We got fed up so I'm getting some exercise. Doctor's orders. 266 00:20:33,207 --> 00:20:36,802 Doctors say to carry on as normal. 267 00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:40,562 You're not having a natural birth, are you? 268 00:20:40,727 --> 00:20:44,003 - We discussed a birthing pool. - With the damp in your flat, 269 00:20:44,167 --> 00:20:47,045 I wouldn't bother! 270 00:20:50,007 --> 00:20:55,001 Shame you don't have any fire grates in your place. 271 00:20:55,167 --> 00:21:00,002 Lenny Corby's fitting eight log-effect fires in our house. 272 00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:04,638 I'll invite you and the family for the switching-on ceremony. 273 00:21:04,807 --> 00:21:09,881 - Something to look forward to. - I'm having an adrenaline rush! 274 00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:15,319 When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly. 275 00:21:15,487 --> 00:21:19,480 - They're all ugly at birth. - Some more ugly than others. 276 00:21:19,647 --> 00:21:24,846 When Boycie was born, the midwife slapped his mother! 277 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:32,360 On that note, I'll bid you all goodbye. 278 00:21:32,527 --> 00:21:36,566 Marlene, you can drive me to the showroom. 279 00:21:36,727 --> 00:21:39,719 - See you, Cassandra, Raquel. - Bye! 280 00:21:39,887 --> 00:21:43,197 Del, I brought that letter addressed to Albert. 281 00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:44,925 Albert? 282 00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:48,318 I hope you don't have my experience. 283 00:21:48,487 --> 00:21:52,526 From the moment the baby arrived, my wife gave me hell. 284 00:21:52,687 --> 00:21:55,520 Women get post-natal depression. 285 00:21:55,687 --> 00:21:57,882 But we'd adopted! 286 00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:04,682 Take no notice. Sid's a cantankerous, miserable old sod. 287 00:22:04,847 --> 00:22:07,202 His wife was hot-blooded. Spanish. 288 00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:12,122 He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her! 289 00:22:12,287 --> 00:22:14,437 Rodders, listen to this. 290 00:22:14,607 --> 00:22:19,362 A naval friend of Albert is organising a reunion 291 00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:24,203 for the crew of the fleet that went to Denmark in 1944. 292 00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:27,643 - Did Albert go to Denmark? - No, the fleet never made it. 293 00:22:27,807 --> 00:22:32,198 I remember him saying. The ships were named after sea creatures. 294 00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:36,406 HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda... What was Albert's ship? 295 00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:38,956 HMS Cod. 296 00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:46,676 Yeah. He said they got into trouble but it wasn't his fault. 297 00:22:46,847 --> 00:22:51,967 - That would have been a first! - It's in a village in Normandy. 298 00:22:52,127 --> 00:22:55,517 Write and say Albert isn't with us any more. 299 00:22:55,687 --> 00:22:57,917 I suppose so. 300 00:22:58,087 --> 00:23:01,875 It's a shame Elsie Partridge didn't live long enough to go. 301 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:06,882 - She'd love representing him. - Remember their story? 302 00:23:07,047 --> 00:23:09,561 They fell in love before the war. 303 00:23:09,727 --> 00:23:14,278 He had to go and fight and they both married other people. 304 00:23:14,447 --> 00:23:20,044 Years later, they met again and spent their last years together. 305 00:23:22,327 --> 00:23:25,319 What's up with that scatty cow? 306 00:23:27,007 --> 00:23:31,637 Her hormones do somersaults 'cause she's pregnant. 307 00:23:31,807 --> 00:23:34,480 Oh. You're all right, ain't you? 308 00:23:34,647 --> 00:23:36,319 Yes! 309 00:23:36,487 --> 00:23:40,526 It's like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". 310 00:23:44,527 --> 00:23:47,200 What's Captain Pirelli's mandarin? 311 00:23:47,367 --> 00:23:50,165 "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". 312 00:23:50,327 --> 00:23:54,081 A film about two lovers who meet again after the war. 313 00:23:54,247 --> 00:23:56,681 A woman's thing. 314 00:23:57,887 --> 00:24:00,037 I've had a thought. 315 00:24:00,207 --> 00:24:05,361 If Elsie can't represent Albert, Rodney and I ought to go. 316 00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:09,884 That's a brilliant suggestion. Albert would love that idea. 317 00:24:10,047 --> 00:24:15,804 He's not the only one. You two are going on a booze cruise! 318 00:24:16,527 --> 00:24:21,282 - That hurts, Raquel. - That's a cruel thing to say. 319 00:24:21,447 --> 00:24:27,556 This is a family thing. We just want Albert to be remembered. 320 00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:30,844 It's like... It's our duty. 321 00:24:31,007 --> 00:24:35,717 - Sorry, I was only joking! - I know you didn't mean it. 322 00:24:35,887 --> 00:24:40,483 Raquel, Cassandra, look, a picture of my wife. 323 00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:43,115 Come and have a look. 324 00:24:43,287 --> 00:24:47,997 We could take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea. 325 00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:51,239 That's a very good idea, Rodney. 326 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:54,240 He would really like that. 327 00:24:54,407 --> 00:24:57,638 We'll have to do it as we come out of the harbour, 328 00:24:57,807 --> 00:25:02,562 because we'll be too pissed to do it later. 329 00:25:05,287 --> 00:25:10,839 You drive Raquel and Cassandra home. I'll pick up the bill. 330 00:25:11,007 --> 00:25:12,565 - Sure? - Yeah. 331 00:25:12,727 --> 00:25:15,719 Sid, what are all these little holes? 332 00:25:15,887 --> 00:25:17,605 Darts. 333 00:25:18,967 --> 00:25:22,243 It's a long story. We met in 1950... 334 00:25:22,407 --> 00:25:25,843 - Want a lift home? - Yes, please! 335 00:25:26,007 --> 00:25:28,282 - Bye! - See you. 336 00:25:28,447 --> 00:25:31,166 Sid, take it out of that. 337 00:25:31,327 --> 00:25:34,478 - Have you still got your lorry? - Yeah. Why? 338 00:25:34,647 --> 00:25:37,525 Me and Rodney may go to France. 339 00:25:37,687 --> 00:25:41,726 - Do you want some rolls? - Thanks. No, not now! 340 00:25:41,887 --> 00:25:46,802 Next month. Got an idea in me head. 341 00:25:46,967 --> 00:25:50,437 - No. - No? You haven't heard it yet. 342 00:25:50,607 --> 00:25:54,885 Good. The police can't drag it out of me under interrogation. 343 00:25:55,047 --> 00:25:57,515 What are you on about? 344 00:25:57,687 --> 00:26:01,839 When you have an idea, someone in a uniform asks me questions! 345 00:26:02,007 --> 00:26:05,682 Can I help it if I am misunderstood? 346 00:26:05,847 --> 00:26:11,479 Oh, I understand. You can get booze very cheaply in France. 347 00:26:11,647 --> 00:26:14,719 I've got a lorry, Sid's got a pub. 348 00:26:14,887 --> 00:26:17,879 So what are you saying? 349 00:26:19,127 --> 00:26:23,803 I'm saying Del buys P1,000-worth of half-price alcohol, 350 00:26:23,967 --> 00:26:27,482 we drive it back, Sid gets a load of cheap booze, 351 00:26:27,647 --> 00:26:29,683 and we share the profits. 352 00:26:29,847 --> 00:26:34,796 No, I was thinking of bringing you some French cheese. 353 00:26:34,967 --> 00:26:37,879 But now you've suggested that... 354 00:26:38,047 --> 00:26:41,676 - That's a brilliant idea! - First class. 355 00:26:41,847 --> 00:26:46,284 A few trips and we'd earn some decent money. 356 00:26:46,447 --> 00:26:50,406 - I'm not doing it. - It was your idea! 357 00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:52,842 No, it wasn't! 358 00:26:53,007 --> 00:26:56,124 Well, it was in a way. I mean... 359 00:26:56,287 --> 00:27:00,917 That's not what I meant. I was trying to... I didn't mean... 360 00:27:01,087 --> 00:27:04,397 The thing is, I was just trying to... 361 00:27:05,367 --> 00:27:10,202 - Is this anywhere near legal? - Of course! Don't tell Rodney. 362 00:27:37,807 --> 00:27:41,846 Here, Rodney. You do the honours. 363 00:27:42,007 --> 00:27:46,285 - He would have liked it. - Yes. 364 00:27:46,447 --> 00:27:49,598 Do it ceremoniously. 365 00:27:49,767 --> 00:27:54,045 Not like you're emptying a hoover bag. 366 00:28:11,527 --> 00:28:14,564 See you again sometime, Unc. 367 00:28:14,727 --> 00:28:17,639 Good luck, old 'un. 368 00:28:17,807 --> 00:28:20,367 (RATTLING) 369 00:28:20,527 --> 00:28:24,679 - Did you hear that? - Hope it's not his dentures! 370 00:28:28,807 --> 00:28:31,799 - I don't believe it. - What? 371 00:28:33,847 --> 00:28:39,001 - Cassandra's contraceptives! - Cassandra's pills? 372 00:28:39,167 --> 00:28:43,718 - Who put 'em in there? - Who do you think? Damien! 373 00:28:47,247 --> 00:28:49,477 He's a boy, isn't he? 374 00:28:49,647 --> 00:28:53,037 You don't need 'em. She's up the duff! 375 00:28:53,207 --> 00:28:56,643 But if he hadn't put... You know. 376 00:29:01,407 --> 00:29:04,797 - He's a little sod, isn't he? - Yeah. 377 00:29:04,967 --> 00:29:08,357 I dunno where he gets it from. 378 00:29:08,527 --> 00:29:14,238 - Must take after Raquel, eh? - Yeah! More than likely! 379 00:29:14,407 --> 00:29:16,523 Come on. 380 00:29:28,367 --> 00:29:32,485 (DEL) Right, we travel up this road another three miles. 381 00:29:32,647 --> 00:29:35,400 Then look for a sign saying, 382 00:29:35,567 --> 00:29:39,606 "Sainte Claire La Chapelle". Right? 383 00:29:41,127 --> 00:29:44,119 (VAN BACKFIRES) 384 00:29:47,447 --> 00:29:51,235 - Where'd you get that?! - What, this? 385 00:29:51,407 --> 00:29:56,117 Well, I'm gonna blend in with the locals, Rodney. 386 00:29:56,287 --> 00:30:00,041 I've always been a bit of a Francophile. 387 00:30:00,207 --> 00:30:05,201 - More like a Franco Spencer! - Just keep driving, will ya? 388 00:30:06,207 --> 00:30:09,995 Anyway, where is my book? Ah! 389 00:30:11,007 --> 00:30:13,567 Bone up on the old French. 390 00:30:13,727 --> 00:30:16,321 Amazing how quick you forget it. 391 00:30:16,487 --> 00:30:18,603 - I noticed (!) - Hmm? 392 00:30:18,767 --> 00:30:22,043 I've forgotten the French I learned at school. 393 00:30:22,207 --> 00:30:26,519 Don't you worry. I'll be with you. 394 00:30:26,687 --> 00:30:30,282 (REGULAR BACKFIRING) 395 00:30:32,647 --> 00:30:36,435 It is a difficult language, you know. 396 00:30:36,607 --> 00:30:41,078 One of my most favouritest meals is duck a I'orange. 397 00:30:41,247 --> 00:30:45,559 - I can't say that in French. - It's "canard". 398 00:30:46,527 --> 00:30:49,803 You can say that again, bruv! 399 00:30:51,127 --> 00:30:54,483 The French word for duck is "canard". 400 00:30:54,647 --> 00:30:59,596 Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2! 401 00:30:59,767 --> 00:31:03,237 No, that's Cunard. They make the boats. 402 00:31:03,407 --> 00:31:05,967 The French for duck is "canard". 403 00:31:06,127 --> 00:31:11,804 Lovely jubbly. So how do the French say "a I'orange"? 404 00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:18,046 - A I'orange! - The same as we do? 405 00:31:18,207 --> 00:31:19,640 Yes! 406 00:31:19,807 --> 00:31:25,757 Oh, dear! It's a pity they don't use more of our words, innit? 407 00:31:26,487 --> 00:31:31,117 - Yeah. Stupid, aren't they? - Yeah. 408 00:31:32,167 --> 00:31:34,601 (DEL) I can't wait to get there, Rodders. 409 00:31:34,767 --> 00:31:37,679 I bet they'll throw a mardigras. 410 00:31:37,847 --> 00:31:41,078 The French don't scrimp on celebrations. 411 00:31:41,247 --> 00:31:45,445 (RODNEY) I imagine it'll be a quiet backwater somewhere. 412 00:31:45,607 --> 00:31:47,359 (INAUDIBLE) 413 00:31:47,527 --> 00:31:52,282 (RODNEY) I bet they don't even know the war's over! 414 00:31:52,447 --> 00:31:55,644 (VAN BACKFIRES) 415 00:32:13,407 --> 00:32:16,683 A-ha! Au revoir! 416 00:32:16,847 --> 00:32:18,917 Au revoir, au revoir! 417 00:32:19,087 --> 00:32:23,126 Derique und Rodney Trottaire. 418 00:32:23,287 --> 00:32:26,916 Bonjour, Monsieur. Bonjour. 419 00:32:28,247 --> 00:32:31,478 Excuse me. Did you say "Trotter"? 420 00:32:31,647 --> 00:32:34,480 We're Albert Trotter's great-nephews. 421 00:32:34,647 --> 00:32:38,242 Very pleased to meet you. George Parker. 422 00:32:38,407 --> 00:32:41,160 I sailed with your uncle during the war. 423 00:32:41,327 --> 00:32:45,286 - Is Albert not coming? - No, I'm afraid not. 424 00:32:45,447 --> 00:32:49,565 Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago. 425 00:32:49,727 --> 00:32:52,287 I'm very sorry to hear that. 426 00:32:53,287 --> 00:32:55,118 Yeah, so are we. 427 00:32:57,327 --> 00:33:00,080 Well, where's the crew? 428 00:33:00,247 --> 00:33:01,566 Crew? 429 00:33:01,727 --> 00:33:05,720 Oh, I'm the only one that's turned up. 430 00:33:05,887 --> 00:33:10,722 The others are either dead, in homes or couldn't be bothered. 431 00:33:10,887 --> 00:33:16,644 I see. Well, we're here to represent Albert. 432 00:33:16,807 --> 00:33:20,197 - So let's get started! - Mr Mayor. 433 00:33:20,367 --> 00:33:22,801 S'il vous plait. 434 00:33:26,767 --> 00:33:31,238 (THEY PLAY "THE MARSEILLAISE" BADLY) 435 00:33:37,727 --> 00:33:40,719 You're wearing Albert's medals! 436 00:33:40,887 --> 00:33:44,038 Yes, with pride. 437 00:33:44,207 --> 00:33:49,440 Rodney, show some decorum. This is the American anthem. 438 00:34:00,447 --> 00:34:03,484 (DENZIL) We should have got a later ferry. 439 00:34:03,647 --> 00:34:08,641 But did I say that? No, I listened to Del as I always do. 440 00:34:08,807 --> 00:34:10,604 (TRIGGER) Still, 441 00:34:10,767 --> 00:34:13,201 it gives us time to see France. 442 00:34:17,727 --> 00:34:20,366 We've got sodding hours to kill! 443 00:34:22,327 --> 00:34:25,125 Relax, Denzil, relax. 444 00:34:25,967 --> 00:34:28,925 Corinne was always saying that. 445 00:34:29,087 --> 00:34:31,760 "Relax, Denzil". 446 00:34:31,927 --> 00:34:34,441 And I would. 447 00:34:34,607 --> 00:34:38,566 - Then Del would phone... - I liked Corinne. 448 00:34:39,807 --> 00:34:43,083 I used to hope that if I got married, 449 00:34:43,247 --> 00:34:47,126 - it'd be to a girl like her. - Yeah, she was OK. 450 00:34:47,287 --> 00:34:49,960 Ever thought of getting married? 451 00:34:50,127 --> 00:34:54,279 No, I haven't met the right person yet. 452 00:34:54,447 --> 00:34:58,918 I've always had this image of my perfect woman. 453 00:34:59,087 --> 00:35:02,796 - My dream girl. - What's she like? 454 00:35:02,967 --> 00:35:06,277 Oh, nothing to look at. Very plain. 455 00:35:06,447 --> 00:35:10,804 Scar on her chin where she had a wart removed. 456 00:35:14,727 --> 00:35:16,843 Jelly baby? 457 00:35:17,007 --> 00:35:18,759 Yeah. 458 00:35:24,127 --> 00:35:27,961 (THEY PLAY A MARCHING TUNE BADLY) 459 00:35:31,567 --> 00:35:33,956 Oh, that's Albert, all right! 460 00:35:34,127 --> 00:35:37,756 You two haven't a clue. You've led lives of luxury. 461 00:35:37,927 --> 00:35:41,840 You don't know what it is to suffer on the high seas. 462 00:35:42,007 --> 00:35:46,285 Actually, we do. We've served our time at sea. 463 00:35:46,447 --> 00:35:50,645 - Where? In the Falklands? - A cruise around Hawaii. 464 00:35:50,807 --> 00:35:55,323 - A cruise-liner is not a ship! - Kept the water off our feet. 465 00:35:56,727 --> 00:36:01,847 On the Russian convoys, your uncle and me had 100-foot waves! 466 00:36:02,007 --> 00:36:06,444 It got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night. 467 00:36:06,607 --> 00:36:10,316 - We had storm and tempest. - You didn't see our cabaret! 468 00:36:10,487 --> 00:36:14,526 - We had hail and sleet. - We had Hale and Pace! 469 00:36:18,687 --> 00:36:21,884 Sometimes I think about the future. 470 00:36:22,047 --> 00:36:26,598 I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor like my cousin Ronnie. 471 00:36:26,767 --> 00:36:29,998 He had a strange taste in women. 472 00:36:30,167 --> 00:36:32,681 In what way? 473 00:36:32,847 --> 00:36:35,839 Well, they were men! 474 00:36:36,007 --> 00:36:38,362 I remember Ronnie. 475 00:36:38,527 --> 00:36:43,647 - Do you miss being married? - Some things I miss. 476 00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:46,795 - I'd like to meet a nice woman. - Me, too. 477 00:36:46,967 --> 00:36:50,323 - Take her for something to eat. - Yeah. 478 00:36:50,487 --> 00:36:55,322 Get to know each other a bit. Might like each other. 479 00:36:55,487 --> 00:36:58,240 Who knows, in time... 480 00:36:59,247 --> 00:37:03,718 ...maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me! 481 00:37:07,167 --> 00:37:10,204 There's something I want to know. 482 00:37:10,367 --> 00:37:13,677 How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, 483 00:37:13,847 --> 00:37:17,726 - ended up 30 miles inland? - That's a long story. 484 00:37:17,887 --> 00:37:22,756 - We gotta go. - We were sailing in a flotilla. 485 00:37:22,927 --> 00:37:24,804 Oh, God! 486 00:37:24,967 --> 00:37:30,724 We were going to Denmark to drop off supplies to the Marines. 487 00:37:30,887 --> 00:37:35,483 Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet 488 00:37:35,647 --> 00:37:38,923 and Albert was at the wheel. 489 00:37:39,087 --> 00:37:44,286 We got a radio message to say a German fleet was approaching. 490 00:37:44,447 --> 00:37:49,760 Soon, Jerry spotted us. Albert, without waiting for orders, 491 00:37:49,927 --> 00:37:54,443 threw the ship to port. Five minutes later, we crashed. 492 00:37:54,607 --> 00:37:57,201 - Into what? - France! 493 00:37:59,847 --> 00:38:03,283 We hit some rocks off Normandy and ran aground. 494 00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:06,405 We were sitting ducks. 495 00:38:06,567 --> 00:38:10,162 Jerry was on our tail, so we legged it overland. 496 00:38:10,327 --> 00:38:13,876 We were going for two days and nights. 497 00:38:14,047 --> 00:38:18,404 We ended up here in this little village. 498 00:38:18,567 --> 00:38:22,321 The people, God bless them, took us in and hid us. 499 00:38:22,487 --> 00:38:25,877 The Gestapo looked for us but never found us 500 00:38:26,047 --> 00:38:29,198 until that fateful day when we were betrayed. 501 00:38:29,367 --> 00:38:32,086 - You're kidding! - No, no. 502 00:38:32,247 --> 00:38:38,686 I don't want to upset you, but Albert was a bit of a lad then. 503 00:38:38,847 --> 00:38:42,601 He could sing, dance, play the piano. 504 00:38:42,767 --> 00:38:46,555 The women liked him and he liked the women. 505 00:38:46,727 --> 00:38:53,439 During our stay here... how shall I put it? He kept himself busy. 506 00:38:53,607 --> 00:38:55,563 Oh, no. 507 00:38:55,727 --> 00:39:00,642 I don't believe him, the garrity old git! 508 00:39:00,807 --> 00:39:03,241 Tout de suite! 509 00:39:03,407 --> 00:39:07,480 It was every man for himself in those days. 510 00:39:07,647 --> 00:39:12,163 There was a war on. They were hard times... 511 00:39:27,887 --> 00:39:30,037 (SILENT) 512 00:39:55,047 --> 00:39:58,835 Most men were either away or locked up. 513 00:39:59,007 --> 00:40:03,239 But when they heard about Albert they weren't best pleased, 514 00:40:03,407 --> 00:40:05,602 which was understandable. 515 00:40:05,767 --> 00:40:09,442 - Who grassed you up? - The French Resistance. 516 00:40:09,607 --> 00:40:14,635 One day, the SS turned up and rounded us all up. 517 00:40:14,807 --> 00:40:19,198 Albert, with one or two others, escaped 518 00:40:19,367 --> 00:40:22,359 and made it back to Blighty. 519 00:40:22,527 --> 00:40:27,396 Excuse me. Just going to the gents. 520 00:40:32,767 --> 00:40:35,964 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 521 00:40:36,127 --> 00:40:38,595 I think I am. 522 00:40:42,527 --> 00:40:45,599 There's another one, look! 523 00:40:47,967 --> 00:40:52,961 It's like a geriatric "Village of the Damned"! 524 00:40:54,967 --> 00:40:58,482 I don't know about "Sainte Claire La Chapelle". 525 00:40:58,647 --> 00:41:02,879 They should have renamed it "Trottersville". 526 00:41:03,967 --> 00:41:06,606 (RODNEY) Think of the other countries he visited 527 00:41:06,767 --> 00:41:09,918 and what he must have got up to! America, India... 528 00:41:10,087 --> 00:41:13,124 (DEL) I bet he didn't leave Australia alone. 529 00:41:13,287 --> 00:41:16,962 Africa, Middle East... Remember that woman he mentioned? 530 00:41:17,127 --> 00:41:20,199 He's been putting it about all over! 531 00:41:20,367 --> 00:41:24,679 Raquel was wrong. It wasn't like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin". 532 00:41:24,847 --> 00:41:28,806 More like Captain Birds Eye's Banjo! 533 00:41:38,967 --> 00:41:42,084 Merci beaucoup. Au revoir! 534 00:41:43,167 --> 00:41:45,806 I really don't understand you. 535 00:41:45,967 --> 00:41:49,118 We can buy a bottle of duty-free wine on the ferry. 536 00:41:49,287 --> 00:41:53,485 Yeah, but things in here are a euro or two cheaper. 537 00:41:53,647 --> 00:41:58,243 - And we've got to save money. - Suppose so. 538 00:42:01,327 --> 00:42:03,795 I don't believe it! 539 00:42:03,967 --> 00:42:06,845 - What's that? - Look over there. 540 00:42:07,007 --> 00:42:09,965 - It's Denzil! - You're having me on! 541 00:42:11,207 --> 00:42:13,482 Hello, Denzil! 542 00:42:13,647 --> 00:42:17,606 Hey! Del! Rod! Hi! 543 00:42:19,087 --> 00:42:22,682 - Fancy meeting you here! - What are you doing here? 544 00:42:22,847 --> 00:42:26,237 I had a free day, and Christmas is coming, 545 00:42:26,407 --> 00:42:29,479 so I popped over for a couple of packs of beer. 546 00:42:29,647 --> 00:42:35,517 - What brings you here? - We went to Albert's reunion. 547 00:42:35,687 --> 00:42:41,683 Rodney said why don't we get a case or two of wine, didn't you? 548 00:42:42,647 --> 00:42:44,285 Yeah. 549 00:42:44,447 --> 00:42:46,677 Have you got your truck here? 550 00:42:46,847 --> 00:42:49,600 It's out the back. Why do you ask? 551 00:42:49,767 --> 00:42:54,397 I was thinking, we haven't got much room in our van, 552 00:42:54,567 --> 00:42:58,845 and if Denzil's got space in his truck, 553 00:42:59,007 --> 00:43:03,046 we could take a couple of extra cases. Hmm? 554 00:43:03,207 --> 00:43:06,324 - Yeah, maybe. - Del Boy! 555 00:43:06,487 --> 00:43:11,641 - Dave! - Trigger! Would you believe it? 556 00:43:11,807 --> 00:43:14,924 Only if I'd been heavily sedated! 557 00:43:15,087 --> 00:43:18,682 Hello, Trig! What are you doing here? 558 00:43:18,847 --> 00:43:22,442 You said meet us here at four o'clock! 559 00:43:27,007 --> 00:43:30,795 I don't believe you sometimes, Trigger! 560 00:43:30,967 --> 00:43:35,518 - This is a set-up, isn't it? - No, no, no, no, no! 561 00:43:35,687 --> 00:43:39,362 - It's just a surprise for you! - Right. 562 00:43:39,527 --> 00:43:42,564 We're surrounded by gallons of cheap booze, 563 00:43:42,727 --> 00:43:46,037 Denzil's truck's here and the pub needs its cellar filled! 564 00:43:46,207 --> 00:43:47,845 Oi, oi, oi! 565 00:43:48,007 --> 00:43:50,646 Keep the noise down! 566 00:43:50,807 --> 00:43:53,367 OK, I admit it. 567 00:43:53,527 --> 00:43:56,599 It's my fault. I agreed to it. 568 00:43:56,767 --> 00:44:01,158 - Agreed to it with whom? - With me! 569 00:44:01,327 --> 00:44:03,921 I'm running the firm now! 570 00:44:04,087 --> 00:44:08,638 Everyone's at it. We're just a bit slow on the uptake. 571 00:44:08,807 --> 00:44:13,676 - I don't believe this! - We need the money! 572 00:44:16,847 --> 00:44:21,363 - OK, but I wasn't looking. - You was in the toilet. 573 00:44:21,527 --> 00:44:25,236 - You know it makes sense. - I've paid, Del. 574 00:44:25,407 --> 00:44:30,720 - They're loading it out back. - He's paid for it. Come on! 575 00:44:38,247 --> 00:44:40,317 Is this it? 576 00:44:40,487 --> 00:44:43,320 And that. 577 00:44:45,327 --> 00:44:48,319 Oh, my God! 578 00:44:48,487 --> 00:44:51,604 We'll help. We ain't got long. 579 00:44:51,767 --> 00:44:54,520 - We got plenty of time. - Yeah. 580 00:44:54,687 --> 00:44:59,807 Wait, did any of us change our watches to French time? 581 00:44:59,967 --> 00:45:01,446 - No. - No. 582 00:45:01,607 --> 00:45:05,839 No! God, we've only got half an hour before the ferry leaves! 583 00:45:06,007 --> 00:45:08,885 You dipstick, Rodney! 584 00:45:09,047 --> 00:45:12,278 Oi! Pierre! Get out of it. 585 00:45:24,007 --> 00:45:26,805 Mange-tout! Mange-tout! 586 00:45:37,727 --> 00:45:39,399 Voila! 587 00:45:42,087 --> 00:45:44,123 (RAQUEL) So how was Albert's reunion? 588 00:45:44,287 --> 00:45:47,882 Brilliant. Thousands of people there. 589 00:45:48,047 --> 00:45:51,881 Thousands. There was a fly-past and everything. 590 00:45:52,047 --> 00:45:54,880 I tried phoning you, but couldn't get through. 591 00:45:55,047 --> 00:45:59,165 We had a letter. They've cut the phone off. The bill's unpaid. 592 00:45:59,327 --> 00:46:01,841 I'll sort it out tomorrow. 593 00:46:02,007 --> 00:46:05,556 I'll say I couldn't call 'em 'cause they cut the phone off. 594 00:46:05,727 --> 00:46:09,117 - Have you eaten? - On the ferry. An omelette. 595 00:46:09,287 --> 00:46:11,960 Del had a mutton Madras and four Irish coffees. 596 00:46:12,127 --> 00:46:14,322 Very nice, too, thanks. 597 00:46:14,487 --> 00:46:18,719 You should have seen the size of this wine warehouse we went to! 598 00:46:18,887 --> 00:46:21,606 I said to Denzil we should have them here. 599 00:46:21,767 --> 00:46:24,884 - Denzil was with you? - Eh? 600 00:46:26,727 --> 00:46:33,280 Yes, he was there. We bumped into him. It was a coincidence. 601 00:46:33,447 --> 00:46:36,359 - Yeah. Amazing (!) - Yeah. 602 00:46:36,527 --> 00:46:39,246 Look what I got here. 603 00:46:39,407 --> 00:46:43,923 A bottle of champagne to celebrate our safe return. 604 00:46:45,487 --> 00:46:49,196 All the arrangements we made with Sid. 605 00:46:49,367 --> 00:46:53,838 Del said, "Keep the pub cellar clear." And what does he do? 606 00:46:54,007 --> 00:46:57,682 - What? - Well, you were there! 607 00:46:57,847 --> 00:47:00,361 He let the brewery make a delivery! 608 00:47:00,527 --> 00:47:05,317 The way that brewery carries on, you'd think they owned the pub! 609 00:47:14,247 --> 00:47:16,283 Trigger! 610 00:47:20,247 --> 00:47:23,319 (DENZIL) Bloody hell! 611 00:47:23,487 --> 00:47:29,926 So you just happened to meet Denzil in a wine warehouse. 612 00:47:30,087 --> 00:47:32,760 - Did Denzil have his lorry? - Don't know. 613 00:47:32,927 --> 00:47:36,761 - Didn't ask. - It could carry a lot of beer. 614 00:47:36,927 --> 00:47:40,681 - Did Denzil follow you back? - No, he stayed there. 615 00:47:40,847 --> 00:47:44,920 Yeah, he's having a little holiday. 616 00:47:45,087 --> 00:47:48,523 Yes. Ooh, look, I've just remembered. 617 00:47:48,687 --> 00:47:51,485 I got you a French football shirt. 618 00:47:51,647 --> 00:47:54,400 - Brilliant! Can I try it on? - Course. 619 00:47:54,567 --> 00:47:59,595 - Cass, some French perfume. - I got you this, sweetheart. 620 00:47:59,767 --> 00:48:02,076 There you are. 621 00:48:02,247 --> 00:48:05,683 Oh, Del, they're lovely! 622 00:48:05,847 --> 00:48:08,884 Diamonds are a girl's best friend. 623 00:48:09,047 --> 00:48:12,164 But zircon can be good company! 624 00:48:14,687 --> 00:48:16,882 (MOBILE RINGS) 625 00:48:17,047 --> 00:48:18,526 Hello? 626 00:48:19,767 --> 00:48:23,396 - Del, it's Denzil. - Denzil?! 627 00:48:23,567 --> 00:48:27,003 Why's he phoning me from France? 628 00:48:27,167 --> 00:48:31,957 No, he's at your garage. I know what you're up to. Why lie? 629 00:48:32,127 --> 00:48:36,484 I didn't think the truth would do me any favours. 630 00:48:36,647 --> 00:48:40,401 We need the money, Raquel. That's no lie. 631 00:48:40,567 --> 00:48:44,276 Let me speak to him. Bonjour, Denzil. 632 00:48:47,047 --> 00:48:50,357 Champs Elysees! 633 00:48:51,647 --> 00:48:53,797 (DEL) Sprechen Sie lingo? 634 00:48:53,967 --> 00:48:57,004 Sprechen Sie de old Anglaisee? 635 00:48:57,167 --> 00:49:00,637 Give it up, Del, he don't speak a word. 636 00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:03,640 So what'll we do with him? 637 00:49:03,807 --> 00:49:07,163 - Just let him go. - We can't do that! 638 00:49:07,327 --> 00:49:10,285 What would happen to a stranger on this estate? 639 00:49:10,447 --> 00:49:16,044 - He could be part of Al-Qaeda! - Don't be stupid! 640 00:49:16,207 --> 00:49:20,405 Does he look like he works in a furniture store? 641 00:49:23,167 --> 00:49:27,365 - No, no... - Denzil, let's not go there. 642 00:49:27,527 --> 00:49:30,963 - We'll drop him off somewhere. - What if the Old Bill pull him? 643 00:49:31,127 --> 00:49:36,645 They'll take him to the immigration centre in Croydon. 644 00:49:36,807 --> 00:49:40,959 He was hiding in my truck. That's a P2,000 fine! 645 00:49:41,127 --> 00:49:45,837 Some illegals tell the police who brought them in. 646 00:49:46,007 --> 00:49:49,044 How would we fare under British justice? 647 00:49:49,207 --> 00:49:55,237 We can't leave him here. He'd probably suffocate or something. 648 00:49:55,407 --> 00:49:59,480 - We'll take him to the flat. - What'll we say to Raquel? 649 00:49:59,647 --> 00:50:04,482 We got a bloke, don't know who he is, but do him egg and chips. 650 00:50:04,647 --> 00:50:08,356 - You are a plonker! - Got a better idea? 651 00:50:08,527 --> 00:50:13,396 We can keep an eye on him and stop him going to the police. 652 00:50:13,567 --> 00:50:17,037 Oh, I don't believe this! All right. 653 00:50:17,207 --> 00:50:23,965 You carry on unloading and we'll take him... somewhere. 654 00:50:29,247 --> 00:50:33,957 - What shall we say? - We'll have to play it by ear. 655 00:50:34,127 --> 00:50:37,324 We've got to get him pugged away somewhere. 656 00:50:37,487 --> 00:50:39,045 Come on. 657 00:50:39,207 --> 00:50:42,404 (FOOTBALL ON TV) 658 00:50:47,367 --> 00:50:50,040 Look who we bumped into! 659 00:50:51,247 --> 00:50:54,922 Yeah. He was just walking past. 660 00:50:57,487 --> 00:51:00,843 - Won't you introduce us? - Eh? 661 00:51:02,127 --> 00:51:04,561 Yes, sorry, yes, of course. 662 00:51:04,727 --> 00:51:09,357 This is Raquel, my significant other. 663 00:51:09,527 --> 00:51:12,837 This is Cassandra, Rodney's wife. 664 00:51:13,007 --> 00:51:17,523 This is Damien, my son. And this... This... 665 00:51:17,687 --> 00:51:21,885 This... This is Rodney's friend. 666 00:51:25,807 --> 00:51:28,958 Yes, this is my friend. 667 00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:32,642 - Does he have a name? - Course he does! 668 00:51:32,807 --> 00:51:35,685 - Of course. - Course he has a name. 669 00:51:37,887 --> 00:51:40,685 - Well? - His name? 670 00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:44,726 His name... His name is Gary. 671 00:51:46,647 --> 00:51:49,844 Yes, this is Gary. 672 00:51:50,967 --> 00:51:53,276 Good old Gary! 673 00:51:54,127 --> 00:51:57,278 - Nice to meet you, Gary. - Hi, Gary! 674 00:51:57,447 --> 00:51:59,483 He's... 675 00:52:01,167 --> 00:52:04,284 He's a little bit shy. 676 00:52:04,447 --> 00:52:08,725 He probably wants to sit down. Gary, sit down. Good boy. 677 00:52:08,887 --> 00:52:11,447 He's sitting, look. 678 00:52:11,607 --> 00:52:14,758 - Where do you know him from? - Who? Gary? 679 00:52:14,927 --> 00:52:16,645 Yeah. 680 00:52:16,807 --> 00:52:21,164 - Um... - From Rodney's evening school. 681 00:52:21,327 --> 00:52:23,682 Yes, from evening school. 682 00:52:23,847 --> 00:52:27,840 But I was at your evening school. That's where we met. 683 00:52:28,007 --> 00:52:31,716 - I don't remember Gary. - It's another evening school. 684 00:52:31,887 --> 00:52:35,926 - When did you go there, then? - One evening. 685 00:52:38,527 --> 00:52:41,644 Would you like something to drink? 686 00:52:42,727 --> 00:52:44,445 Gary? 687 00:52:47,567 --> 00:52:48,886 Gary! 688 00:52:54,007 --> 00:52:56,396 Yes, he said, "Gary!" 689 00:52:56,567 --> 00:52:59,957 It's the way he says it! "Gary"! 690 00:53:01,927 --> 00:53:04,122 He can't speak English, can he? 691 00:53:04,287 --> 00:53:10,157 What? Him? Speak English? Once he starts, he doesn't stop! 692 00:53:10,327 --> 00:53:14,525 Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary? 693 00:53:16,407 --> 00:53:17,726 Gary! 694 00:53:19,167 --> 00:53:23,206 Oh, my God, he's an illegal immigrant! 695 00:53:23,367 --> 00:53:27,121 Shh! Don't say that too loud round this estate! 696 00:53:27,287 --> 00:53:30,404 - You'll cause a panic! - We've got an illegal! 697 00:53:31,687 --> 00:53:35,566 Sweetheart, I'm really sorry. It's nothing to do with us. 698 00:53:35,727 --> 00:53:40,642 - He was in Denzil's lorry. - We hadn't a clue he was there. 699 00:53:40,807 --> 00:53:43,241 He must have snuck in. 700 00:53:43,407 --> 00:53:46,080 - What will you do with him? - I dunno. 701 00:53:46,247 --> 00:53:48,477 - He can't stay here. - Where will he go? 702 00:53:48,647 --> 00:53:51,241 Shall we sit him down to watch the football? 703 00:53:51,407 --> 00:53:56,765 If we chuck him out, he'll be a crack addict by the second half! 704 00:53:58,167 --> 00:54:01,125 What we might have to do... 705 00:54:01,287 --> 00:54:03,118 No, no. No, no, no. 706 00:54:03,287 --> 00:54:05,960 No, it's all right. 707 00:54:06,127 --> 00:54:11,155 Look, it's a lighter, see? Lighter. Right? 708 00:54:14,207 --> 00:54:16,084 Gary! 709 00:54:27,647 --> 00:54:30,923 "Two teaspoons of curry paste." 710 00:54:31,087 --> 00:54:33,203 That's one... 711 00:54:35,007 --> 00:54:36,406 Two... 712 00:54:36,567 --> 00:54:39,445 One for the pot. Cushty. 713 00:54:39,607 --> 00:54:40,926 Yes! 714 00:54:41,087 --> 00:54:45,638 - I can smell something. - You can't wait, can you? 715 00:54:45,807 --> 00:54:47,479 I can! 716 00:54:47,647 --> 00:54:51,686 You've got to take your time with this. 717 00:54:51,847 --> 00:54:54,361 The longer the better! 718 00:54:54,527 --> 00:54:57,485 I have to find out what nationality Gary is 719 00:54:57,647 --> 00:55:00,684 and send him to whoever represents his people. 720 00:55:00,847 --> 00:55:04,726 But he doesn't speak English, so how will you do that? 721 00:55:04,887 --> 00:55:06,605 Well... 722 00:55:06,767 --> 00:55:09,327 Yeah. Good point. 723 00:55:09,487 --> 00:55:13,002 - Where's Gary? - He's having a shower. 724 00:55:13,167 --> 00:55:15,317 I've lent him some of Del's clothes. 725 00:55:15,487 --> 00:55:18,365 Give him some of Del's aftershave too! 726 00:55:18,527 --> 00:55:22,315 No, things are bad enough for him as it is! 727 00:55:22,487 --> 00:55:25,638 Del, Rodney's only gone and... 728 00:55:25,807 --> 00:55:31,404 Look at that! I'm calling this "Chicken Trotter". 729 00:55:31,567 --> 00:55:34,877 That could be a very apt name for it! 730 00:55:43,367 --> 00:55:45,437 OK, Gary? 731 00:55:45,607 --> 00:55:47,040 Gary. 732 00:55:47,207 --> 00:55:50,165 Come and sit down, son. 733 00:55:53,047 --> 00:55:58,565 Oh, my God! He looks like a set of traffic lights! 734 00:55:58,727 --> 00:56:04,085 - Don't be rude! - He's from a war-torn country. 735 00:56:04,247 --> 00:56:07,205 Probably witnessed mass murder. 736 00:56:07,367 --> 00:56:12,077 Maybe he was one of the murderers! 737 00:56:14,647 --> 00:56:17,719 He doesn't look like one. 738 00:56:17,887 --> 00:56:21,436 In Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't either! 739 00:56:21,607 --> 00:56:25,043 You could have colour-coordinated him! 740 00:56:25,207 --> 00:56:28,643 Fashion design isn't my strong point. 741 00:56:28,807 --> 00:56:31,162 Right, here we go! 742 00:56:31,327 --> 00:56:35,605 Ah! Very nice. Very tasteful, Gary. 743 00:56:35,767 --> 00:56:37,325 Gary! 744 00:56:37,487 --> 00:56:39,842 Get your laughing gear round that. 745 00:56:41,127 --> 00:56:45,166 - Why did you make curry? - I wanted him to feel at home. 746 00:56:45,327 --> 00:56:48,524 I don't think he's Asian. He's more Arabic. 747 00:56:48,687 --> 00:56:54,319 Let's go to "Perfect Pizza" for a pepperoni and sheep's head! 748 00:56:56,167 --> 00:57:01,161 It's only a ruby. No matter if you're Asian, Arab or Eskimo, 749 00:57:01,327 --> 00:57:04,046 everyone loves a ruby. 750 00:57:06,567 --> 00:57:08,523 Ooh! Gary! 751 00:57:08,687 --> 00:57:11,326 - Glass of water. - Gary! 752 00:57:11,487 --> 00:57:14,001 Get him a glass of water. 753 00:57:14,167 --> 00:57:17,637 - He can finish that out there. - Gary! 754 00:57:20,167 --> 00:57:24,365 Maybe the vindaloo was a bit hot for the boy? 755 00:57:24,527 --> 00:57:25,846 (DOORBELL) 756 00:57:26,007 --> 00:57:28,282 - It's the police! - This is great. 757 00:57:28,447 --> 00:57:31,405 I'll give birth in Holloway! 758 00:57:31,567 --> 00:57:34,798 Shh! I don't know. Shh! 759 00:57:36,367 --> 00:57:40,360 - Hello? Who is it? - Del, it's Boycie! 760 00:57:40,527 --> 00:57:43,883 It's OK. It's only Boycie. 761 00:57:45,567 --> 00:57:48,240 What an unpleasant surprise! 762 00:57:49,967 --> 00:57:52,162 - Rodney. - Boycie. 763 00:57:53,767 --> 00:57:58,079 Good evening, Raquel. You look lovely tonight. 764 00:57:58,247 --> 00:58:00,761 You too, Cassandra. 765 00:58:00,927 --> 00:58:05,796 You have that maternal glow from being in the family way. 766 00:58:07,447 --> 00:58:12,362 - Hello, little man. - Do not touch me, batty boy. 767 00:58:14,567 --> 00:58:18,879 - He's a character, isn't he? - What do you want, Boycie? 768 00:58:19,047 --> 00:58:23,199 - Cognac would be lovely. - You'll be lucky! 769 00:58:23,367 --> 00:58:25,756 Here you are, Rodney. 770 00:58:25,927 --> 00:58:29,442 Boycie, no way am I driving for you tonight. 771 00:58:29,607 --> 00:58:33,680 No, it's not that, Del. I've got a problem. 772 00:58:33,847 --> 00:58:37,157 I've been chucked out of my house! 773 00:58:38,127 --> 00:58:40,721 - Good for Marlene! - She's finally done it! 774 00:58:40,887 --> 00:58:46,120 Marlene didn't. The police did. The house is full of gas. 775 00:58:46,287 --> 00:58:51,566 Those bloody log-effect fires Lenny Corby fitted are leaking. 776 00:58:51,727 --> 00:58:55,322 The gas board can't turn it off at the mains 777 00:58:55,487 --> 00:58:58,843 'cause Lenny snapped the handle off! 778 00:58:59,007 --> 00:59:03,000 They evacuated the whole road. Marlene's gone to her mum's 779 00:59:03,167 --> 00:59:06,762 and I was going to a hotel, 780 00:59:06,927 --> 00:59:11,478 but I left everything in the house. Wallet, keys, the lot. 781 00:59:11,647 --> 00:59:15,481 Fire brigade won't let me back in. It's dangerous. 782 00:59:15,647 --> 00:59:18,957 All I've got is what I'm wearing. 783 00:59:19,127 --> 00:59:22,642 That's bad news, Boycie. What are you doing here? 784 00:59:22,807 --> 00:59:27,517 I was in trouble, so I thought I'd go and see my best friend. 785 00:59:27,687 --> 00:59:30,645 But you decided to call here first? 786 00:59:30,807 --> 00:59:33,844 Derek has always been my best friend. 787 00:59:34,007 --> 00:59:36,521 On yer bike, Boycie! 788 00:59:36,687 --> 00:59:41,317 I just need a bed for the night. I'm at your mercy. 789 00:59:41,487 --> 00:59:44,445 Why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's? 790 00:59:44,607 --> 00:59:47,599 The batty old mare won't let me in! 791 00:59:47,767 --> 00:59:50,327 We had a row at that wedding. 792 00:59:50,487 --> 00:59:53,877 She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene. 793 00:59:54,047 --> 00:59:58,677 There was a horrible smell of onion and she blamed me! 794 01:00:01,407 --> 01:00:05,286 - Can't you stay with Trigger? - Ever spent an evening there? 795 01:00:05,447 --> 01:00:08,803 It's like having a seance with Mr Bean. 796 01:00:08,967 --> 01:00:13,483 - Denzil has room at his place. - He's not there! 797 01:00:14,847 --> 01:00:18,556 - It seems you don't want me. - It's not that, Boycie. 798 01:00:18,727 --> 01:00:20,285 It is! 799 01:00:20,447 --> 01:00:23,405 It's just that we're overcrowded. 800 01:00:23,567 --> 01:00:26,798 Raquel and I have our bedroom, Cassandra and Rodney theirs, 801 01:00:26,967 --> 01:00:29,242 - Damien's in his. - The sofa will do. 802 01:00:29,407 --> 01:00:32,365 - Gary's sleeping on there. - Gary? 803 01:00:32,927 --> 01:00:34,246 Gary. 804 01:00:35,407 --> 01:00:38,956 - Good God! - Gary is Rodney's friend. 805 01:00:39,127 --> 01:00:42,483 Did he get ready for bed in a power cut? 806 01:00:48,127 --> 01:00:52,120 - They're your night clothes. - Got it in one. 807 01:00:52,287 --> 01:00:57,600 Who else can combine lime green and bright red and make it work? 808 01:00:57,767 --> 01:01:01,203 I've always had an eye for colour. 809 01:01:01,367 --> 01:01:04,279 Derek, could I have a word, please? 810 01:01:04,447 --> 01:01:07,519 Course you can, sweetheart. 811 01:01:20,567 --> 01:01:23,525 Before you say anything, Boycie's not staying. 812 01:01:23,687 --> 01:01:27,441 We've already got Gary. At least he doesn't speak! 813 01:01:27,607 --> 01:01:32,601 Lawrence of Peckham you may be, but Boycie's not staying here. 814 01:01:32,767 --> 01:01:35,406 Look, darling, sweetheart. 815 01:01:35,567 --> 01:01:38,877 I feel just a little bit guilty, you see. 816 01:01:39,047 --> 01:01:42,483 I made Boycie's hair smell like shepherd's pie. 817 01:01:42,647 --> 01:01:44,126 Good! 818 01:01:44,287 --> 01:01:48,166 No, because he wouldn't have rowed with his in-laws. 819 01:01:48,327 --> 01:01:54,038 He would have stayed there. And then there's these gas fires. 820 01:01:54,207 --> 01:02:00,077 - Oh, no! You sold them? - No, not me. It was Rodney. 821 01:02:00,247 --> 01:02:04,035 I said, "Don't sell 'em, they're dangerous." 822 01:02:04,207 --> 01:02:07,722 But he wouldn't listen to me. 823 01:02:07,887 --> 01:02:11,721 I feel guilty. It's only one night! 824 01:02:12,847 --> 01:02:16,726 OK. If they're not gone by tomorrow evening, I will be! 825 01:02:16,887 --> 01:02:22,200 They will be history. Thank you, darling, you are a diamond! 826 01:02:22,367 --> 01:02:25,120 No, it's just a little blister. 827 01:02:25,287 --> 01:02:28,040 OK, Boycie, we've decided. 828 01:02:28,207 --> 01:02:32,166 You can stay on the camp bed. It's in the cupboard. 829 01:02:32,327 --> 01:02:37,321 Perfect, Derek. Damien, you're sleeping on a camp bed. 830 01:02:37,487 --> 01:02:39,523 No, he is not! 831 01:02:39,687 --> 01:02:42,804 You get rid of kids to make way for adults. 832 01:02:42,967 --> 01:02:47,404 But in your case it's an exception. That or nothing. 833 01:02:47,567 --> 01:02:51,003 OK, the camp bed it will have to be. 834 01:02:51,167 --> 01:02:53,123 Here we are. 835 01:02:54,447 --> 01:02:58,201 I promise you'll hardly know I'm here. 836 01:03:02,327 --> 01:03:05,285 Did you make that drink for me, Raquel? 837 01:03:05,447 --> 01:03:08,564 Tell you what, I am starving! 838 01:03:12,887 --> 01:03:15,924 - Fancy a plate of curry? - Lovely! 839 01:03:16,087 --> 01:03:17,725 Lovely! 840 01:03:21,687 --> 01:03:24,838 (BOYCIE GROANS) 841 01:03:30,727 --> 01:03:33,525 Are you still awake, Gary? 842 01:03:34,247 --> 01:03:35,965 Gary. 843 01:03:37,327 --> 01:03:41,036 That curry's doing a conga in my colon! 844 01:03:45,287 --> 01:03:47,847 I only had one mouthful. 845 01:03:49,087 --> 01:03:52,523 - Are you still hungry, Gary? - Gary. 846 01:03:52,687 --> 01:03:55,679 I'll make us a sandwich. 847 01:04:12,327 --> 01:04:16,206 Do "sell by" dates mean nothing to the Trotters? 848 01:04:16,367 --> 01:04:20,599 I've seen younger items on the "Antiques Roadshow"! 849 01:04:20,767 --> 01:04:23,804 It'll have to be cheese, Gary. 850 01:04:23,967 --> 01:04:25,639 Gary! 851 01:04:33,967 --> 01:04:37,039 Do you want piccalilli? 852 01:04:38,567 --> 01:04:42,446 Are you cold, son? Get back into bed. 853 01:04:42,607 --> 01:04:47,203 Get back in there. Nice and warm. That's it. 854 01:04:48,847 --> 01:04:51,600 Blimey, you are cold, aren't you? 855 01:04:55,167 --> 01:04:59,604 Get the suitcase out, set it up and I'll do the spiel. 856 01:04:59,767 --> 01:05:03,077 Excuse me! Hello? I'm in charge now! 857 01:05:03,247 --> 01:05:06,000 OK. What do you want to do? 858 01:05:06,887 --> 01:05:09,117 I'll get the suitcase, you do the spiel. 859 01:05:09,287 --> 01:05:12,085 That's a good idea (!) 860 01:05:20,367 --> 01:05:23,120 Hello, sweetheart! How are you? 861 01:05:23,287 --> 01:05:25,926 - "One night", you said. - Yeah, but... 862 01:05:26,087 --> 01:05:29,966 Four bloody nights they've slept in the living room! 863 01:05:30,127 --> 01:05:33,039 OK, I'll have words, don't worry. 864 01:05:33,207 --> 01:05:39,077 Boycie puts that hair gel on and then complains about the smell! 865 01:05:39,247 --> 01:05:42,523 But I can't say anything to him. 866 01:05:42,687 --> 01:05:45,520 Or he'll know it was me what done it. 867 01:05:45,687 --> 01:05:51,159 Good news. The gas board has cleared us to move back in. 868 01:05:52,487 --> 01:05:55,957 - Thank you for being there. - That's OK, Boycie. 869 01:05:56,127 --> 01:06:01,281 - You'd do the same for us. - I suppose so. 870 01:06:01,447 --> 01:06:05,486 I'd get that smell sorted out if I were you. 871 01:06:05,647 --> 01:06:09,925 I reckon someone's dumped a kebab in your air duct. 872 01:06:10,087 --> 01:06:12,317 You know that contract of mine? 873 01:06:12,487 --> 01:06:16,002 - Yes. - I have to sign it in Paris. 874 01:06:16,167 --> 01:06:21,002 I want you to drive me there. Make the right impression. 875 01:06:21,167 --> 01:06:24,398 So go and hire us a nice vehicle. 876 01:06:24,567 --> 01:06:27,639 Your showroom is full of cars! 877 01:06:27,807 --> 01:06:31,117 Yes, but I want one that'll get us there! 878 01:06:31,287 --> 01:06:35,519 You don't mind if I take your staff away? 879 01:06:35,687 --> 01:06:39,919 Not at all. I'll come with you for the ride. 880 01:06:40,087 --> 01:06:46,003 Seeing me become a millionaire may rekindle a few memories! 881 01:06:48,167 --> 01:06:51,159 You are one flash git, aren't you? 882 01:06:52,407 --> 01:06:56,400 Why don't we drop Gary off on the continent? 883 01:06:56,567 --> 01:07:02,244 Don't be stupid, Rodney! We'd be the only ones ever to get fined 884 01:07:02,407 --> 01:07:05,399 for smuggling someone OUT of the country! 885 01:07:05,567 --> 01:07:09,924 I just saw him hitch-hiking round the Elephant and Castle. 886 01:07:10,087 --> 01:07:14,239 - He's gone? - Damien took him to football. 887 01:07:14,407 --> 01:07:20,437 I saw him in a campervan with a bunch of Australian backpackers. 888 01:07:21,407 --> 01:07:25,525 - Well, we did our best for him. - Yeah. 889 01:07:25,687 --> 01:07:29,521 I suppose he'll see a bit of the world now. 890 01:07:31,567 --> 01:07:34,479 Can you smell onions? 891 01:07:37,087 --> 01:07:38,406 Yeah. 892 01:07:44,007 --> 01:07:47,716 - I told you I'd get it sorted! - Well done, Del. 893 01:07:47,887 --> 01:07:51,721 - I'll see you back at home. - OK. 894 01:07:52,767 --> 01:07:56,555 Come on, boss, let's get selling! 895 01:08:05,927 --> 01:08:08,964 - It's a van! - It's all they had! 896 01:08:09,127 --> 01:08:12,961 - They were out of saloons. - It's comfy. 897 01:08:13,127 --> 01:08:17,484 I don't believe it! The most important meeting in my life 898 01:08:17,647 --> 01:08:20,207 and I'm going in a van! 899 01:08:20,367 --> 01:08:22,961 Get in! Stop moaning. 900 01:08:26,687 --> 01:08:32,683 Now, one thing, Derek. We're not stopping to load up with beer. 901 01:08:32,847 --> 01:08:35,202 Nothing was further from my mind! 902 01:08:35,367 --> 01:08:39,201 Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son, 903 01:08:39,367 --> 01:08:43,804 Rachid Mahmoon, who was kidnapped a week ago 904 01:08:43,967 --> 01:08:47,801 while working in his father's wine warehouse. 905 01:08:47,967 --> 01:08:52,597 "I was loading the truck when the kidnappers trapped me. 906 01:08:55,887 --> 01:08:59,800 "I was taken to an apartment. I've no idea where. 907 01:08:59,967 --> 01:09:05,485 "I was held for four days and nights by two men and two women. 908 01:09:05,647 --> 01:09:07,922 "I don't know what language they spoke." 909 01:09:08,087 --> 01:09:09,600 (SPEAKS ARABIC) 910 01:09:09,767 --> 01:09:13,840 "Sometimes I detected the odd word of English." 911 01:09:14,007 --> 01:09:18,683 "A big man guarded me at night. He carried a large knife 912 01:09:18,847 --> 01:09:20,997 "and his hair smelt of..." 913 01:09:21,167 --> 01:09:22,725 (IN ARABIC) 914 01:09:22,887 --> 01:09:24,366 "...onions." 915 01:09:24,527 --> 01:09:28,998 Interpol are searching for the criminals behind the kidnap. 916 01:09:29,167 --> 01:09:34,287 The only information they have is that the "Gary Gang" 917 01:09:34,447 --> 01:09:36,881 may have south London connections. 918 01:09:46,687 --> 01:09:50,521 Interpol recherche activement les kidnappeurs. 919 01:09:58,367 --> 01:10:00,164 Gentlemen? 920 01:10:04,287 --> 01:10:08,997 (SPEAKS ARABIC) 921 01:10:09,167 --> 01:10:12,079 Mr Boyce, this is Mr Mahmoon. 922 01:10:12,247 --> 01:10:13,760 Delighted. 923 01:10:14,767 --> 01:10:18,442 Please... Please sit down. 924 01:10:25,367 --> 01:10:28,757 (IN ARABIC) 925 01:10:28,927 --> 01:10:33,682 Monsieur Chairman says he's always admired the British. 926 01:10:40,527 --> 01:10:45,920 His grandmother met an English sailor during the war. 927 01:10:59,647 --> 01:11:02,115 Happy with the contract, Mr Boyce? 928 01:11:02,287 --> 01:11:05,802 Oui, extremely. 929 01:11:05,967 --> 01:11:08,686 Then we will sign. 930 01:11:10,167 --> 01:11:14,126 Mr Boyce, Mr Mahmoon's son, Rachid. 931 01:11:18,807 --> 01:11:22,766 - Gary! - Look who it is! 932 01:11:22,927 --> 01:11:25,122 (SHOUTS IN PANIC) 933 01:11:25,287 --> 01:11:27,596 Small world, isn't it? 934 01:11:37,727 --> 01:11:41,117 - Allo, securite? - (CLEARS THROAT) 935 01:11:43,047 --> 01:11:45,686 Got a pen? 936 01:11:48,487 --> 01:11:52,082 (SIREN BLARES) 937 01:11:54,087 --> 01:11:57,602 (BOYCIE) That contract would have made me a millionaire! 938 01:11:57,767 --> 01:12:01,476 Thanks to you two, I've been arrested! 939 01:12:01,647 --> 01:12:06,437 (RODNEY) Kidnappers? Us? (DEL) Boycie, I was wondering. 940 01:12:06,607 --> 01:12:10,725 On the way back, can we stop at the wine warehouse? 941 01:12:10,887 --> 01:12:13,924 Aren't we in enough sodding trouble? 942 01:12:14,087 --> 01:12:16,362 Are you paying Del overtime for this? 943 01:12:16,527 --> 01:12:18,677 No, I am not! 944 01:12:19,607 --> 01:12:23,043 (BOYCIE) Can you smell onions? (DEL AND RODNEY) Shut up! 945 01:12:28,607 --> 01:12:30,438 # We've got some half-price cracked ice 946 01:12:30,607 --> 01:12:32,199 # And miles and miles of carpet tiles 947 01:12:32,367 --> 01:12:35,165 # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs 948 01:12:35,327 --> 01:12:38,319 # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push 949 01:12:38,487 --> 01:12:41,285 # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush 950 01:12:41,447 --> 01:12:43,915 # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush 951 01:12:44,087 --> 01:12:46,840 # No income tax, no VAT 952 01:12:47,007 --> 01:12:49,999 # No money back, no guarantee 953 01:12:50,167 --> 01:12:53,079 # Black or white, rich or broke 954 01:12:53,247 --> 01:12:57,525 # We'll cut prices at a stroke 955 01:12:58,047 --> 01:13:00,925 # God bless Hooky Street! 956 01:13:01,087 --> 01:13:03,965 # Viva Hooky Street! 957 01:13:04,127 --> 01:13:06,641 # Long live Hooky Street! 958 01:13:06,807 --> 01:13:10,163 # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street! 959 01:13:10,327 --> 01:13:13,524 # Magnifique, Hooky Street! 960 01:13:14,967 --> 01:13:16,559 # Hooky Street! 961 01:13:18,047 --> 01:13:19,526 # Hooky Street! # 75263

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