All language subtitles for Family Guy - S15E07 - High School English (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hi, it's me, Peter.

You may be wondering
what I'm doing in a library.

Well, I actually drove my car
into this rich guy's house

and he locked me in here
until the police come.

Don't believe me?

I don't know, I just
locked him in the library.

Seems like he's on something.

He's got crazy eyes
and keeps screaming,
"I don't care."

I don't care!

Anyway, I've got
some time to kill

before this room is
filled with tear gas.

So I thought, why
not finally read

some of the classics
I never read in high school?

Here's one right here,
The Great Gatsby.

A book by the only
respected guy in the world

named Scott.

It was my
first summer staying
at the shore.

But I had a feeling that, I,
Nick "The Situation" Carraway,

would fit right in.

Hey, it's Nick
from The Great Gatsby.

I just checked in
and somebody left
their teeth here.

I don't know,
it's just a set of teeth.

I guess men's.

No, I'm not
putting them anywhere,
you come and get them.

The neighbors
are having a party
with loud jazz music.

Well, at least annoyingly
scatting over jazz
hasn't been invented yet.

Oh, that must've
been invented today!

Hey, whose party is this?

I'm not sure,
women aren't allowed
to ask questions yet.

So, what's your name?

Madam, you forget yourself.

That's when I first laid eyes
on him. Jay Gatsby.

He was clearly
playing with himself
through his pocket,

but I pretended not to see.

Hello, welcome to my party.
Name's Gatsby.

Good to meet you, old sport.

Yeah, just a wave is fine.

I'm your new neighbor,
Nick Carraway.

Oh, I hope we weren't
too loud, old sport.

Yeah, this "old sport" thing,

is this something
you're trying out,

or is this a keeper?

I just met you,

so I wanna tell you
something very private.

Let's go out to the dock.

I come down here
to think every night

and gaze at that green light.

It's where
the love of my life lives.

Daisy Buchanan.

Um, I hate to break it you,

but that light
you've been looking at

is a gay gym
called The Pump House.

I only know that
because I saw a coupon

that came with my rental.
Um...

Anyway, Daisy's house
is over there.

She's my cousin.

Daisy's your cousin?

Yeah, lot of weird coincidences

for an American classic, huh?

What? I have to see her.

Well, I can set that up.
Only thing is, she's married.

Yeah. I hear her
husband's a real heel.

Whoa! Language!

But, yeah, I'll set it up.

Tea, tomorrow at
my house, 2:00 p.m.

Great.

She's gonna be there, right?

Yeah, why wouldn't she be there?

I don't know.
I'm just getting
a funny vibe from you.

You asked me down
to the docks alone

and you're getting
a funny vibe from me?

Wow, what an ugly little house.

Oh, yeah, it's not that palace
of domestic abuse you live in.

What's up?

Oh, my God! Is it really you?

I've missed you, Daisy.

You're as beautiful as ever.

You know what
else is beautiful?
My bank account.

Boom! Rich guy.

You're rich now?
Oh, my God, I love that.

I know, right? Come on,
I'll show you my place.

Oh, you're leaving?
But I made all
these deviled eggs.

You made?
You know what I meant.

Yeah, you made them.
Great job.

You know,
one of the best parts of
having an enormous mansion

is being able to come out here
and get some fresh air.

You know, sometimes,
I just want to jump
off this balcony

and into that pool down there.

So, do it.
Yeah, I know, right?
Do it.

Yeah, do it.

I know, I totally should,
right? Here I go.

One, two, three... Whoa!

Can you imagine?

Yeah, I can imagine.
It would be fun,
you should do it.

If only it were
that easy, right?

It is, it looks deep enough,
it's your pool,
it's your house,

you can do whatever you want.

I know, right?

You know what?
I can't right now,
my pool guy's cleaning it.

Are you going to bone her?

This is amazing.

I've never seen so many shirts.

Do you have enough
to, you know, throw?

Yeah, you know,
they're actually
kind of expensive.

Oh, there she goes.

Shirt, shirt, shirt,

shirt, shirt.

Okay, five is good.
Five is probably good.

Shirt, shirt.

Were you this crazy
when we dated before?

Hmm. Gatsby, is it?

I've been hearing
about your vast,
newly acquired wealth

and your attentions to my wife.

So, I thought
I would have you over
to my equally large and fancy

but imperceptibly
more classy mansion
for an awkward dinner.

And, Nick, have you met Jordan?

She plays golf
and is what kids
will someday call a duff.

Hey, yeah, nice tam o' shanter.

I'll drink your finger bowl
if you don't want it.

In the book, I actually go
on a few dates with Jordan.

We're gonna skip all that.

Anyway, like I was saying,
you're a trash

'cause you earned your money
a little bit more recently
than me.

What are you getting at?

I'm saying I invited you over
and sat you next to my wife

to say,
"Stay away from my wife."

You know what we should do?

Let's all drunk drive
into Manhattan
and get a hotel room

and have the same conversation
we're having here.

I'm starting to think
this isn't a very good book.

I'd like to add another bit
of pointless confusion

that will make sense later.

Let's everyone drive
somebody else's car.

Someone can take my Coupe.

I'm riding with Gatsby,
I don't care which car.

I'll take someone
in Daisy's car.

I don't think Daisy said
you could drive her car.

Tom, why don't you
take Jay's car?

Who's Jay?
Gatsby.

Okay, I've never heard
anyone call him that.

Look, if you're in
your own car,
you're in the wrong car.

All right, you guys get gas.

I got to talk
to this random mechanic's

horny wife about some business.

Wilson, gonna need
to fill her up.

Wilson's wife,
fill her up. Get it?

I don't know what
they do up there,

but they sure do listen
to Def Leppard pretty loud.

So, have you seen
any good movies lately?

We just saw
Woman Tied to
Railroad Tracks 5.

Pretty similar to 4.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Well, looks like you guys
are getting a head start
on the Depression here.

Thanks for stopping by,
Mr. Buchanan.

Yeah, sure.
Don't tell anyone
how bad I look naked.

Have fun raising my bastard.

All right, let's head out.

Wait, but first,
I wanna see if we're
in the funny horn era.

A-ha! We are!

All right, Gatsby,
you think you're so hot?

Let me show you
how a classy guy
does classy stuff.

Hello, room service?

I'd like a bottle
of your second most
expensive champagne.

And I'd like your
most expensive bottle.

Wow, walked right into that one.

Okay, fine. Let's see
who has higher socks.

Whatever, Tom,
none of that matters.

Daisy's in love with me.

In fact, she's never loved you.

Oh, is that so?

Well, I hear Gatsby
didn't even fight
in World War I.

Wait, why is he calling it that?

Is there gonna
be another big war?

I'm sorry, Tom.

That's right.
I'm in love with Daisy,
and she loves me, old sport.

Would anyone like a deviled egg

from a tea I had
several days ago?

Well, that was awful.

But I sure do
enjoy driving your car
instead of you driving it,

even though we came
in a different car.

Drunk, don't forget, drunk.
You're drunk driving my car.

Gas and sandwiches,
get your gas and sandwiches.

Oh, that must be Tom
since I saw him
in that car earlier.

Tom, Tom, it's me.

Oh, no, Myrtle.

Where will I ever
find another woman

with a hotter name than Myrtle?

All right, pool, do your thing.

You hungover?

Uh, a little bit, yeah.

Okay, we're sort of
racing to the end here.

And with that, I shall step
slightly out of range.

All right, I'm just
gonna take a quick swim.

Oh, my God,
where are the stairs?

There's no stairs,
I'm never gonna make it.

You were standing
earlier in the day

next to the car
that hit my wife.

I would soon return
to New York a changed man.

Because for me,
that would always
be the summer

that I finally put
my head under water.

I did it, I did it.

I wish somebody had seen that.

Hi, me again.

I'm not in that guy's
library anymore.

I snuck up
to the attic just before
the cops busted in.

They're down there now, look.

Only problem is,
I really want to get to

that trunk of costumes
in the corner.

On the one hand,
I don't want to give
away my location.

On the other hand,
there might be a pirate hat.

Hmm, no pirate hat,
but I'll make it work.

Ar! I'm a chef
aboard a pirate ship.
Now, who be wanting pancakes?

I think I hear
something in the attic.

Oh, crap.

While I figure out my options,
here's Huckleberry Finn.

Hi, Huckleberry Finn.

Hi, Tom Sawyer.

You're Tom, I'm Huck.

Everybody good? Yep?
All right, let's do this.

Huckleberry Finn,
you get inside this house
this minute.

It's Tuesday morning,
it's time for church.

Oh, Widow Douglas,
I already been to church
three times today.

I want to stay home
and play Angry Birds.

This is addictive.

Hey, I'm your abusive dad

and I've been drinking all day
from this here jug.

Oh, my God,
is that a jug full of porn?

Hey, Widow Douglas,
I wanna live with my dad.

Shut your hole.

Now, come on,
I need to use your pee.

I'm taking a wagon
test in the morning.

I wish you wouldn't
drink so much.

Stop counting my drinks.

Now, get over here
so I can whip you.

Ow! Dad, no.

Yeah, that's right, bitch.

Now, it's your turn.

Gee, this is worse than
the Widow Douglas' house.

I got to get out of here.

I know, I'll fake my own death.

I just need enough blood
to make it look real.

Hey, there, you must be Huck.
Great to finally meet you.

I hope you like it here.

I'm gonna stab you
for your blood.

Oh, come on, I just got shot
in the pool in the last...

I can't remember why
I needed the blood.

Lord, I'm gonna tell you.

Being a slave
is a much worse job

than the temp agency
made it sound.

You gonna eat all that possum?

I am. My name is Huck Finn.
What's half of your name?

Jim. Nice to meet you.
I'm a runaway slave.

I'm running away

'cause people
want me to wear shoes
and comb my hair.

So, I guess we got
the exact same problem.

Hey, what's that sound?

Oh, no, it sounds like...

A waterfall!

Hold on!

We died.

So, wait, we didn't die?

I don't know,
it's all just jokes.

Oh! Did you see that?
What?

I just skipped
that rock six times.

That's
a once-in-a-lifetime skip.

That's nice.

You don't believe me, do you?

I believe we've been
out here a long time,

and a man's mind begins
to play tricks on him.

It happened for real,
I can't believe
you didn't see it!

Of course, I saw it.

Most amazing damn thing
I ever did witness.

But I wasn't gonna tell Huck,

'cause he claimed
he didn't see me
hook shot that apple core

into the garbage
from way far away.

Hello, friends.

Why are you so friendly?
You con men?

No, we're businessmen.
We're fake selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.

Don't say "fake selling."

We're real selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.

Stop qualifying the selling,
we're just selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.

I'll buy it.
Hold on, now, Huck.

These fellows are con men.

Push off, you grifters.

We don't want
to ever see you again.

Fine, we're going.

It's a river,
we can't control
how fast it goes,

we can barely steer.

Sorry.

Hey, what if it's
spelled with an "A"

at the end of it?
Is that okay?

Jim? Jim?

Jim! Jim?

If you're looking for a gym,
Ye Olde Pump House
is that way.

Can't miss it.
Green light on a dock.

Tom Sawyer.
What are you doing
so far from home?

Rush is playing here tonight.
They wrote a song about me.

Oh. Well, I'm looking
for my friend, Jim.

Huck, great news. I'm free!

You are? That's awesome,
when did that happen?

It's just being revealed now,
but it happened hundreds
of pages ago.

Oh, wow. Weird.

So, uh, what's left to do?

I'll tell you what.
Rush concert.

♪ A modern day warrior
Mean, mean stride

♪ Today's Tom Sawyer
Mean, mean pride... ♪

Hey, I'm Mark Twain.

Pretty cool book, huh?

Well, while I'm being booked
and processed downtown,

we have time
for one more classic
of American literature.

This one's about
idiots choking rodents.

I give you Of Mice and Men.

Read him his rights.

You know what?
I'd like to read them myself.

Chapter 1, "Eat My Ass, Pigs."

The bones in my nose!

Wow, I remember
when this used to be
all orange groves.

It's currently
all orange groves.

Tell me again about
our dream, George.

All right, all right.

We're going to open
a bed and breakfast
in the country.

And we won't be afraid
to let our guests know

that we are Steelers
fans in this house.

What about the rabbits?

Yeah, we'll have rabbits, too.

But we'll also have a sign
in the front that says,

"Steelers fan parking only."

And sometimes
we'll give our guests
a fake hard time.

Like if they're Jets fans,
we'll be all like,

"Okay, I hope
you don't get towed."

But obviously,
you know, of course
we're not gonna tow them.

Hey there, strangers,
welcome to Phelps Ranch.

People call me Slim.

Ironically, I assume.

Listen,
we're looking for field work,
if you need any extra hands.

Well, three of our guys
did just get squished,

so we just might. Come on in.

So, have you done
this kind of work before?

Have we pulled
an object off a plant
and placed it in a burlap bag?

Yes, I think
we understand the nuances
of this profession.

Good, good. And how about you?
Tell me about yourself.

I like to kill animals
and then a lady.

I got a good feeling
about you guys.

All right,
you guys are doing great.

Hey, listen,
my dog just had puppies,
and I thought,

since you're
covered with feces
and I barely know you,

I'd give you
a delicate snow white
newborn puppy.

Okay, just don't give me
to dead eyes over there,

'cause I've
already been killed twice
in the other two stories

and I don't want to...
Puppy!

Oh, fuck!

This puppy doesn't work.

Well, well, well.

As you can tell
by the "well, well, well,"
he's the bad guy.

Looks like we got us
some new employees.

That's right, Curley,
I hired them this morning.

Well, tell them to get out.

This is where
I practice my karate
'cause I'm a dick.

I understand you
like to pick fruit.

You ever pick
something bruised
and pear shaped?

Fruit has seeds
you can pull out.

Hey, Hodor,
stop coming on
to my slutty wife.

Look, I can tell by
the fact that you wear

a single
Vaseline-filled leather glove
that you're a reasonable man.

So, let's all take
a deep breath and calm down.

No, karate chop.

Damn it!

I tuck my jeans into my boots.

I'll get you,
you stupid giant moron.

Not great timing, I know,

but can I leave early
for a dentist appointment?

So, I should be home by 10:00.

It's just this
piano bar/cabaret place
called Tinkles.

Rory told me about it.

Who's Rory?

You remember him,

the field hand who gave me
a shoulder ride
back to the house,

that was Rory.

Anyway, it sounds
like it's just a hoot.

Wow, maybe you'll
meet a pretty lady
to get married to there.

Yeah, well, that's the idea.

While you're gone,
can I touch myself?

Again, you don't have
to schedule that with me.

But, remember,
if there's any trouble,

we meet by the big tree
on the edge of town.

Everything in my head
is screaming.

All right, then, I am off.

I'm just saying,
Mr. Horse, if you wear
a pair of sunglasses,

you will get laughs.

Well, then, you and I, sir,
will simply have to
agree to disagree.

Well, hello, there.

If it isn't the sexy imbecile.

Oh, hi. Sorry about what I did
to your husband earlier.

Yes, that was quite a hand job
you did on him.

You know, I'm not so
bad at those myself.

I'm not gonna lie to you,

you're wasting your
double entendres on me.

I want you to destroy me.

Okay.

♪ Jeepers creepers

♪ Where'd you
get those peepers?

♪ Jeepers creepers

♪ Where'd you
get those eyes? ♪

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, I just love
a song that explains
what it just said.

All right, evidently,
I have to go to the big tree
on the edge of town

to take care of something.

This shouldn't take too long,
do not take my songs
off the list.

I'm sorry, George,
I didn't mean
to kill the girl,

and now the whole town's
gonna hang me by a rope.

Oh, I would never
let that happen.

Thanks.

Tell me about
the rabbits, George.

Yeah, sure thing.
But while I do that,

why don't you face away from me

and count the stars?

Okay.

All right, so the B&B
will have a rack

of single-gear bikes
for every guest,

and, yes, next to that,
of course,

is going to be
the big, giant rabbit hutch.

Bye-bye, Lennie.

Good night, kids.
Good luck with
those book reports.