All language subtitles for Family Guy - S15E03 - American Gigg-Olo (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, why one hello a day

to the receptionist at work
is the magic number.

But first, pilot strike
at Quahog Airport.

Picketing began on Thursday...

Weird day to start a strike.

And both sides
appear to be at an impasse.

So, ground control
is telling Major Tom
this could be a long one.

Does anyone else
like David Bowie?

Hey, what the hell is
up with this letter?

It says I'm no longer
covered on your
health insurance.

Oh, yeah. They don't
cover dogs no more.

You could do COBRA
for $7,300 a month, though.

Would that be something
you'd be interested in?

I need that health insurance.
You know I have a hernia.

What if I need surgery?

Well, if you need
insurance that bad,

maybe it's time
for you to go out
and get a job of your own.

Oh, this sucks.

How did you get a hernia?

Actually, I got it
performing an incredible
act of heroism.

Oh, my God!

Somebody help me.
I'm sinking.

Hurry.
I can't hold it.

Okay. Let me
just unstrap my baby.

Oh, oh, oh.
Slipping, slipping. Sorry.

- What do we want?
- Fair wages.

- When do we want it?
- Originally now.

But it's been
delayed until 9:40
due to weather in Philly.

This is a mess.

It's working about as well
as that animal
sobriety checkpoint.

Excuse me, sir.
Is that a baggie
of catnip on your seat?

I have a card for that.

What else you got in here?

Open container
of cat food,
feather on the string.

Is that a dead mouse?

Get him off me.

Somebody get him off me!

- Think catnip's a joke?
- Think again.

Vote yes on increased
animal sobriety checkpoints.

Paid for by dogs.

Bachelorette party.
Can I fit this in?

Okay, cool.
I got time.

Hello, ladies. Wow,
here comes the bride, huh?

More than once if I have
anything to do with it.

Finally, the stripper's here.

What? No, I'm not
a stripper.
I'm a pilot.

See? This is
a real uniform.

Ooh. Take
something else
off, sexy.

All right.

Oh, yeah?
You want a little more, huh?

Yeah. All right. Who wants
me to stow my bag
under their seat?

Boy, and I thought
that Federal Hill
bakery had nice buns.

You're talented, Denise.

You should really go for it.

Wow, what a day.

Please, don't comment.

Oh, look at you.
Did you get a job?

Bitch.
Did I get a job?

This ain't a life vest, sister.

It's a work vest
from a little place
called Mega Hardware.

Because that's
basically what I am now.

Just an everyday
working-class Joe.

Well, good for you.

No. No, Brian. This
doesn't feel right today.

Yes.
There's a rat
trap in that cabinet.

With a foot in it.

And somewhere
in this house
there's a footless rat.

Well, I'm off to watch
some Fox News in front
of the old boob tube.

♪ Tommy used
to work on the docks

♪ Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck

♪ It's tough, so tough ♪

Hey.
No.

I wasn't sure.
I'm sure.

Okay.
Well, got to go.

Got to do some more picketing.

Seriously? It's like,
nine o'clock at night.

Yeah, well... It's...

Cleveland's
stealing shot glasses.

I don't like drinking
Nyquil out of
'em little cups.

Where the hell's
Quagmire going?
The airport's that way.

He doesn't know
we're following him, Joe.

You don't have to duck down.

I'm not.
You took a pretty hard
right turn back there.

I've been like this for a while.

What's he doing?

This is one of them places
where women go to
see male strippers.

Some bisexual men go as well.

I don't see him.

Ladies, this is
your pilot speaking.

I am in the full, upright,
and locked position.

Oh, my.

Oh, my God.
What are you guys doing here?

Crap.
Our disguises didn't work.

Quagmire, I didn't know
you were a male stripper.

I wasn't.
Not until the strike,
anyway.

I've been out of
work for three weeks.
I'm out of money.

I had to do something.
God, I'm so embarrassed.

Why? Stripping is a very
respectable profession.

If it weren't respectable,

why would real-estate
agents go to strip
clubs for lunch?

He's right.
This is tremendous.

Are you banging
all these chicks?

Hey, hey.
That is offensive.

I am a dancer, not a gigolo.

Captain Cockpit,
my friend is
about to get married,

and we were
wondering if you'd have
sex with her for $500?

I'm a gigolo.

Oh, hey, it's that guy.

Are you gonna say,
"Who else but Quagmire"?

No, I...

Wanted to know if
Quagmire was available
tomorrow evening?

Are you gay?

Of course not.
No. I...

But I am unable to
properly have sex
with my wife,

so, I figured, you know...

Who else but Quagmire.

Hey, awesome cameo.

Hey, sorry I'm late,
guys. Had to stop
at the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner?
Wow, somebody's
struck it rich.

You know, I got to
tell you. I was sweating
that pilot strike.

But now that I'm a gigolo,
I'm making money
by the fistful.

Is that a giggity?

That is a giggity.

Quagmire,
I couldn't help
but notice

you got some dry
cleaning hanging up

in the backseat of your car.

Did you
win the lottery?
No.

Well, I hope you're not
actually doing
that gigolo thing.

You know,
prostitution is illegal.

No, no.
It's something else.

Quagmire is selling
online Internet
cyber stuff.

Well, good for you, Quagmire.

You and Gates, huh?

Jeez, I got to go home
and change into
my Tarzan costume.

For the web.

Huh. I got to get
a computer.

Excuse me.
How many BTUs
does this grill have?

Oh, man, that puppy,
more than you need,
less than I want.

Excuse me, do you
have a small grocery cart

I could put this
boat-sized hunk
of lumber in?

Probably out in the parking lot.

Can you tell me
where I can find
extension cords?

Aisle 25.
I was just there.

Twenty-six.
There is no 26.

Fifteen.

So, Gobi gets up
on the lift.
Don't mind me.

Just grabbing
myself a cup of mud.
I like mine black.

Black as night.

Black as sin.
Know what I'm sayin'?

Haven't introduced myself.
Guys in my crew
call me "the Ratchet."

Brian, it's not your
break. Get out there
and help the customers.

"Brian"? Who are you,
my father? This guy.

Get out there.
Yes, sir.

That guy's got no idea
how hard I'm working...

Bird! A bird got in.
Awesome.

Hello? Hey, Quagmire.
What's going on?

Oh, you need a ride?
Yeah, sure.

I can come and get you.
I'm not doing anything.

Meg, that was the last guy.
So, just lock up
when you are done.

Thanks for the ride.

One of my tricks drove
me here from the Clam,

and I didn't have
any money for a cab.

Why not? Didn't she
just pay you for sex?

No. After it was over,
she said she
wasn't gonna pay.

Well, that ain't fair.

You can't let these women
take advantage
of you like that.

What apartment is she in?
I'll go talk to her.

She's in Unit 17.

You know, if you're
going back in anyway,
can you grab my belt?

It's reversible,
so I'd hate to lose it.

Hey.
You didn't pay my friend.

So, I'm gonna play
with your doorbell
until you pay up.

Stop it!
I can do this all day.
I love buttons.

Fine!
Here's your money!

Here you go.

Peter, this is amazing.
Thank you.

Hey, you know what?
Here's a little
something for your trouble.

You're giving me a cut?

Wow! Thanks.
No problem.

It's just too bad
you're not here every time.

Well, I could be.
I mean, my days
are pretty open.

And I don't
sleep a lot at night
'cause of health stuff.

Huh, that'd be kind
of nice, actually.

Maybe you could
drive me around
and help me out

and I could even
pay you a little
something for your time.

Sure.
That sounds great.

You know what, it'll
be nice to have a little

extra cash to bet
on college football.

Yeah, I'd like to bet 100 bucks.

You wanna pick a team?
No, just take it.

I thought you
had the day off.
Maybe from the store.

But it's not like
things take a day off

from needing repairs.
Am I right?

Oh, looks like this
cabinet door
is a good place to start.

Yep. She's off-kilter.
I'm gonna have
to plane her down.

Lois, what year
was this house built?

I don't know.
Maybe 1945?

Good. It's
grandfathered in.

I thought I'd need a variance.

Don't want to get a code vi.

"Vi" is violation.
Code is just code.

I don't know, Brian.
It looks straight to me.

What?
It's straight.

I don't know
what that means.
"It's straight"?

Oh, you mean "plum."
You're saying
the door is plum.

Wow, Brian.
You do know all the lingo.

Oh, come on.
It's just stuff you
pick up on the side.

I'm gonna go use
a miter to jerry-rig

a shim-jam strap hinge,
quarter-round-saw off

a two-by-six dowel
cherry picker flimflam.

You know,
Rupert, Brian's douchiness
should infuriate me,

but the truth is,
he seems happy.

So I guess I'll
just do nothing
and that's that.

Can't do it.
Let's get him fired.

♪ Some days won't end ever
And some days pass on by

♪ I'll be working here forever
At least until I die

♪ Damned if you do,
damned if you don't

♪ I'm supposed
to get a raise next week
You know damn well I won't

♪ Workin' for a livin'
♪ Workin

♪ Workin' for a livin'
♪ Workin

♪ Workin' for a livin',
livin' and workin'

♪ I'm taking
what they're giving

♪ 'Cause I'm
workin' for a livin'

♪ Workin' for a livin'
Livin' and a-workin' ♪

Boy, I have
a whole new respect
for Hayden Panettiere.

Giggity.
I'm pulling up
You're ready?

Oh, hey, Peter. Listen,
I can't work tonight.
I'm spent.

That last trick was
like trying to use
an empty bottle of hand soap.

But you got to work.
I set up five appointments.

That's a lot of money.
Sorry, I can't do it.

You're just gonna
have to cancel them.

What the hell did you say to me?

Peter,
what are you doing?
You tripping, boy?

You're going out
if I tell you
you're going out, bitch.

Okay. But what's
in your pimp cup?

It's actually
a wheatgrass-ginger
mixture.

I was in
the middle of a cleanse.

I didn't know we'd be
doing this pimp thing

but I made a promise to my body.

Ahhh!

Not great.

Peter, what you doing
all dressed up for church?
This ain't Easter.

Oh, Cleveland.
These are my work clothes.

You're hosting
Family Feud?
No, I'm a pimp.

Big Pete,
if we're gonna
be sitting,

may I use my penis donut?

Bitch, I don't care.

Dang, Quagmire.
You're lucky.
He take care of you?

Yeah. No, no.
It's great.

I'm making a lot of money.
I'm actually really happy.

I'm actually very hungry.

Nobody is gonna
want you if you're fat.

You wanna eat,
get up to that bar
and earn your keep.

What should I ask for, 500?

You're not worth
that much. You're
trash. Ask for two.

You know I hit you
and whore you out

because I love you, right?

Hi there.
You wanna party?

And can I have
some of your bread?

Hi, handsome.
You can't have my bread.

But you can have
something of mine that
smells like bread.

Okay, let's go.

Just so you know,

it takes me a long time.

All right, Rupert.
If we're going
to teach Brian a lesson,

we're going to need some muscle.

You, you, and you,
20 bucks for the day.
Hop in the back.

No.

Forget it.
Just get in.

Anyone who doesn't enjoy
the music of Josh Groban

can get out of the fucking car.

♪ You raise me up ♪

Okay, if you had
a friend who worked
at Mega Hardware,

how would you get him fired?

You ask him for papers.

Okay, good.
That, unfortunately,
won't work in this instance.

But I like your effort, Luis.
Any other ideas?

You could kill a guy.

You know what,
Carlos, you stay
quiet for a while.

I really only need two of you.

You'll still be paid.

You ask for papers.

Okay, is there
any idea out there

besides killing a guy
or getting someone
deported?

We do good job,
we live with you?

Well, you just
offered to kill a guy,

so you're not
exactly number one
on my roommate list.

Now, let's go.
I paid good money
for you. I need answers.

I want your best
and I won't stand

for even one more stupid idea.

You shake
a boss's soda,
and give to him.

When he open it, it explode.

This is why I pushed you.

Huh, I guess
that Brian Griffin
is a good egg after all.

Griffin! You're fired!

Well done, team.

So, what are you guys doing now?

I mean, I paid you
for the whole day.

I never liked prostitutes

because they sell their bodies
to all types of men.

I turned my first trick
when I had my
first one-night stand.

I had sex for dinner and drinks.

Being a prostitute is no fun.

You have to work nights,
weekends.

I hear on SNL
the women are funnier
than the guys now.

But I don't know.
I'll never see it.

We meet Quagmire,
a small town boy
with big city dreams,

who has fallen deep
into the game
of prostitution at the Point.

You know, some people ask me,
would you want your
son to be a hooker?

My answer is always, "Hey, lady,

"are we talking or
am I beefing you?"

I kinda wanna see
Guardians of the Galaxy

but I also kind of feel like
there might be scary parts.

Hey, honey. You're
shopping for groceries?

You know what that means?

Shopping for groceries
is what I say

instead of, "Do you
wanna pay me for sex?"

So, I can't get arrested.

Stewie, did you
hire three Mexican guys

to shake a soda can
and give it to my boss?

What?

One's Guatemalan.

Damn it, Stewie.
You got me fired.

Who you kidding?
You got yourself fired,

parading around there,
pretending

you know the first
thing about tools.

You know what,
you're going down there
with me right now

to tell them what you did.

Get your hands off me.
I'll go floppy
dead weight on you.

Oh, crap. My stomach.
I think my hernia ruptured.

Oh, my God.
Damn it,
it's bad. It's bad.

I'll get Lois.
She can take you
to the hospital.

No, she can't. Thanks to you,
I don't have
insurance anymore.

What are we gonna do?
I'll get the gun.

No, Stewie.
You have to fix me.

What? I'm not a doctor.

Just look it up on
your phone or something.

Hold on.
I have gotta update iOS.
Stewie!

Okay, okay. Got it.

It says I have
to make an incision,
retract the hernia sac

and then suture
the abdominal lining.
How am I supposed to do that?

Grab my tool belt.
Use the self-sharpening
linoleum blade.

And then hold the incision
open with a vice grip.

And use the slip joint pliers
to get the muscle
back in position.

Okay. Okay, now it's saying
I have to suture it.

I've got some monofilament
line you can use.

It's from aisle eight,
above the chains and cables.

Monofilament lines?
Slip joint pliers?
I got to say, Brian,

it seems like you
really did learn
something on that job.

You're right.
I guess I did.

But please, stitch me up.

Just be careful
and take your time.

This is
the delicate part, because...

Yeah. I'm gonna just
use the staple gun.

Damn it!

You know what,
that was really easy.

That guy who
killed Joan Rivers
must be terrible at this.

Hey, there.
Oh. What are you
doing here?

Quagmire?
I have a hobby
that takes me this way.

Hey, I'm freezing.
You got a blanket in
there or something?

I got a towel.
But it's wet because
I'm eating peaches.

I lied about the hobby.
I was sinning.

I'm going to drive
away backwards now.

Hey, baby.
You wanna party?
Get in.

You guys having a good night?

I like that it's
getting dark earlier.

What are you guys
gonna be for Halloween?

Big Pete, help.
She want to do
German things.

German things!

What? No! He hasn't
eaten anything in days.
It's not gonna work.

Nein! Nein!

She's got us both.
Help us, pimps and hos!

Help us, HBO camera crew!

God, Quagmire,
most of that
was horrible.

I know. Eventually,
I might want
to try it again.

Hey, listen, buddy.
I'm sorry about all this.

I guess I just got
caught up in
the money and...

And assumed you
were okay with it
because of the sex.

I don't know. Peter.
I think you're just mad

I didn't come to see
your Pretenders cover band.

Yes, well, that may be.

Speaking of which,
the Pretend-Pretenders

are playing again this weekend.

Much like the real band,
we have been
described as "meh".

Still, I'm really sorry.

Can you find it
in yourself to forgive me

and maybe we can just
go back to being friends?

I'd like that.

Hopefully the pilots'
strike will end soon

and I can get my old job back.

Oh, the strike
ended a month ago.

What? Why
didn't you tell me?
I did.

Are you still
GlenQten-at-aol.com?

No!
Ah. Well,
there you go.

Well, I'm glad
Quagmire's back to
work for the airline

and that whole gigolo
and pimping thing is over.

You knew about that?

You know what, you were sticking

to your cleanse,
so I didn't
really care.

I got to hand it to you, Brian.

You are a better
blue-collar guy
than I expected.

You finally earned
this nice, cold beer.
Thanks, Stewie.

Nice work, Pedro.

Let us know if you
want us to kill a guy.

Okay.
It could be anyone.

Got it. You have no idea
how hard they tried
to pierce my ears.