All language subtitles for Family Guy - S14E20 - Road to India (Uncensored)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

What are you doing over there?

I'm on hold with tech support.

My computer locked
up right in the middle
of the story I'm working on.

God. Even Microsoft Word
hates your writing.

WOMAN: (ON PHONE)
Thank you for holding.
How can I help you?

Well, for starters,
you can keep talking
with that lovely accent.

Amazing. One second
of a stranger's voice

on a phone and
you've got full Bollywood.

I... I assume
she's in India.

WOMAN: Your friend is correct
I am in India.

But you sound like
a perfect gentleman to me.

My name is Padma.

Padma?
That was my mother's name.

(GROANS)
I'm gonna get
an English muffin.

PADMA: So what seems
to be the problem?

Well, one problem I have
is that I have too much money.
(CHUCKLES)

Then why don't you
just buy a new computer?

What? I... (STUTTERS)

Oh, I am just
bursting your balls.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you're a feisty one.

Uh, actually,
my computer froze right

in the middle of
a story I'm writing.

Oh, you are a writer?
Are you famous?

By choice, no. No.

Sometimes, fame brings
a lot of unwanted attention.

I mean,
look at William Shakespeare.

William Shakespeare.
Aye.

Nice collar, you fruit.

Thank ye.

Hey, Shakespeare,
what's the title of
your next play?

You should call it
"Homosexual Collar Guy."

Ah. Thy japes and jabs cut
me to the quick, squire.

What does that
even mean?
I know.

It means,
"I use this collar as a bib
for when I service guys."

Thank ye. Thank ye.

So, how did you like the collar?

'Tis not for me.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SCOFFS) There's no one there.

Must have been
some kids knocking.

Down here, Lois.
Oh!

For God's sake, Joe.

Can't you put
a tall flag on the back
of your chair or something?

I apologize for the difficulty
my paralysis causes you.

Hey, Peter. Good news.

Bonnie's out of town,
so I have an extra
ticket for Tuesday night bingo

down at the Allendale Mill.

Why the hell would I
want to go to bingo?

Oh, it's a blast.

There's the thrill
of the game.
People bring snacks.

Plus, you'll hear
some pretty unfiltered

opinions about those
jokers in Washington.

Yeah, that sounds
perfectly terrible.

You know what, Joe.
Peter would love
to go with you.

What?
Terrific.
I'll pick you up at 6:00.

What did you do that for?

Peter, he's your friend.

And who knows?
It might be fun.
(SIGHS)

All right, I'll go.
But I'm not happy.

You know how much
I hate being told
what to do.

(WATER FLUSHING)

You know, Padma.
I love Indian food.

But I'd have to say
my least favorite curry
is Ann. (LAUGHS)

She's a newscaster here.

I wish I could have
slipped that in earlier.

PADMA: Oh, no, I know her.
She's internationally
despised.

So, are you done rebooting?

Look. (SIGHS)
I have to come clean. Um...

My computer
wasn't actually broken
this time.

Uh... I just wanted
to talk to you again.

I like talking to you,
too, Brian.

Oh, hey, is that Padma
from tech support again?

Yeah, yeah, it is.

Oh, cool.
Ask her a question for me.

How come over there,
they just talk on the phone,

and over here,
they're all doctors?

Get out of here.
Lois said you're supposed

to sit on the potty
for one hour straight.

I'm taking a break.
I got bored.

And you've been on the phone
for more than an hour.

I'm sorry.
Can you give me a sec?

Look, I know it's crazy,
but I honestly feel
a connection to this woman.

More than I have to
anyone in a long time.

That's nice, Brian,
but you're from
different worlds.

She's in India.
That's a lot to overcome.

People in love can
overcome anything.

I guess you're right.

I mean, look at
Jeb Bush and his wife.

Honey, do you think
I'll ever be president?

No, no, no.

Stewie!
What? It's just a joke.

Yeah, but come on.

Look it up, man. Google her.

I know what she looks like.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, I see you came
with the Big Cheese.

What?

You?
You're the Big Cheese?

I usually bring
a variety wheel
of Laughing Cow cheese.

(LAUGHS) Laughing Cow.
That's got to be
a happy farm, right?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, you just must be
cracking up all the time
hanging out with this one.

Look, ma'am,
I don't know what signals

Joe is sending out,
but I'm married.

G-49.

Hey, and you're
already on the board.

You're a natural at this.

Oh! And fair warning,
when they call O-69,

I say, "Oh, my."

"Ooh la la."
(LAUGHING)

Yeah, really funny, Joe.
Or how about this one?

"Oh, my God,
I want to kill
myself right now."

All right,
I got to get through this.

I'm just gonna go
to my happy place.

Go to your happy place, Peter.

Oh! And you're
wearing the necklace
I gave you.

Well, if I were you,
I'd sure be excited.

You're only one number away
from having a bingo.

I am? What,
you mean if they call...

MALE ANNOUNCER: O-74.

(GASPS)

Bingo!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

You were right, Joe.
This is awesome.

I've never won anything.

Well,
except for when I won
that Tori Spelling Bee.

Peter, your word
is "equine."

MAN: Peter reached this round
by accurately spelling
"collagen,"

"repulsive" and "botched."

God, I can't believe
you're still at work,
Padma.

It's, like,
2:00 in the morning.

PADMA: No, it is noon here.
Do you not know
about time zones?

Oh! (STAMMERS)
Yeah, that's right.
You guys are on metric.

Oh. You're in here?
Yeah, I'm on the phone.

Is, uh, Chris down
in the laundry room?

Yeah, I think so.
(SIGHS)

Okay, looks like this is
gonna be a stander-upper
in the garage.

Uh-oh. Six percent.
Better hustle.

PADMA: It's so nice
to talk to you, Brian.
You make me feel wonderful.

God, if only you
weren't so far away.

I wish I could
just somehow magically

appear there and
meet you in person.

Oh, Brian,
that would be like a dream.

Okay, I should go.

I have 11,000 people on hold.

Goodbye, Padma.
(BEEPS)

What the hell's going on?
Somebody's screaming
in the garage.

Why are you still up?

Because I'm in love.

Oh, with that Indian chick?
What was her name?

Dot?
No, it's not Dot,
it's Padma.

And I have to be with her.

Stewie, I'm going to India.

(GASPS) Oh, my God,
I'm going with you.

My yoga class
will be so jealous.

Hey, everyone.
The guy I told
you about, Brian.

He's taking me to India.

(EXCITEDLY)
Oh, my God.
(ALL CHEERING)

We finally made it, Brian.
We're in India.

Excuse me, man with no pupil,

where can we get
a taxicab around here?

All right.
Let's do it, Stewie.
Let's go find Padma.

Shouldn't be hard in this
dreamy land of wonder.

I can already smell
the enlightenment
and tranquility.

(SNIFFS)

(COW MOOING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(RETCHING)
(FLIES BUZZING)

This is wonderful,
isn't it, Brian?

It's so tranquil,
I'm tearing up.

Come on, I think I see
a cab with less than
nine people in it.

All right, it's winning time.
Let's get this
show on the road.

After all,
it's not called "Bing-stop,"
it's called "Bing-go."

(LAUGHTER)
That's very clever.

Yeah, and maybe if I win,
I'll yell, "Bing-Joe."

Don't force it, Joe.
Yeah, be quiet, Joe.

Me and the gang
are trying to
hear our numbers.

You and the gang?
I'm the one who
brought you here.

Yeah, well, you know something?

The Mayflower
also brought fungus,

which then became
the Potato Famine.

What the hell are
you talking about?

I don't know,
I've had, like, four Ensures.
I'm out of my mind.

Peter, I brought
you here to have fun,
not take over.

Look, Joe,
I'm a little busy
right now,

so I'm gonna have
the Somali pirate

from Captain Phillips
tell you something.

Joe, look at me.
Look at me!

He is the bingo captain now.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(FLIES BUZZING)

I tell you,
I love it here, Brian.
The sounds, the colors.

You know, this is
where the Beatles came
to ruin their music.

Yeah, yeah.
That's great.

Anyway, Padma
works in Bangalore,

so we got to hurry
and catch the train.

(SIGHS) Can't believe
we're really in India.

Oh, look over there.
Those cute little kids are

playing cowboys and
Indians and Indians.

I'm gonna shoot
you with my six-gun.

I'm gonna shoot you
with my bow and arrow.

I'm just going to stand here
wearing a shirt that
appears to be a jacket.

(BREAKS SQUEALING)

(CHICKENS CLUCKING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Do you think
all those chickens
had to buy tickets?

I don't know, but I'm starving.

What I wouldn't give right
now for a big, juicy steak.

How dare you?
To us, cows are sacred.

That's right.

You are disrespecting
our entire culture.

And why did Wes Anderson
come here to make
his worst movie?

Stewie, what do we do?

Quick, hit the red buttons.

(POWERING DOWN)

Wow. That came
in handy.
Yeah.

Now, let's get out of here.
Let's see what their
wieners look like.

Yeah. Yeah, no,
let's get out of here.

Okay, I'm off to bingo.

Peter, what are you wearing?

Oh, you mean my bingo cape?

That's our holiday tablecloth.

I'm sorry, Lois,
but my people have come

to expect a certain
degree of pageantry.

Don't wait up.

We may go to Denny's.

Is Joe going with you?

Oh, Crybaby Joe?
Nah, he doesn't come anymore.

I think he resents my skill.

Peter, bingo was
Joe's favorite thing.

Now, you go over there
and take him with you,

or I don't want
you going at all.

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't try to take
this away from me.

This is the only thing
I've ever been good at.

Well, this and timing my farts
to a thunderstorm.

Why don't we all go ahead
and turn to page six
in the handout?

(THUNDER CRACKLES)
(EXHALES)

The first thing
you're gonna notice
is a bar graph.

And what that is
is to indicate our
international sales...

(THUNDER CRACKLES)
(EXHALES)

Which peaked,
of course...
Oh, yeah.

During the last quarter.

But now we're
expecting that to drop off

as we enter the colder weather.

(FART)

(THUNDER CRACKLES)

The storm's moving away.

(FLIES BUZZING)

We made it.
This is where
Padma works.

I feel like I owe
every bus in America
an apology.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

So, we haven't discussed
what you're going
to do if she's a pig.

She's already beautiful to me.
And, you know, we'll see.

(BEEPS)

(PHONES RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

My God, how you gonna find her?

There are hundreds
of people in here.

Don't worry, I thought of that.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(RINGING)

PADMA: Thank you for
calling tech support.
How can I help you?

I'll tell you how.

Stand on your desk.
Brian?

Padma, just do it.

Oh, boy.
Are you Padma?

No, I am Ranita.

There is a python in my cube.

Brian?
Padma.

I can't believe this.
Why are you here?

Because I was having
a technical issue
with my heart.

Uh, 16 hours on a plane,
and that's what
you came up with?

I am touched you
came all this way
to see me.

I'm so glad I did.

You're even more
beautiful than I imagined.

Well, I have to admit,
you two do make a cute couple.

But then again,
so did Chris Martin
and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Do you take this woman
to lecture you
about trans fats

for as long as
you both shall live?
I do.

And do you take this man
to be a watered-down Bono

until death do you part?

I do.

I now pronounce you
pretentious and terrible.

You may name your
daughter after a fruit.

So, this is my town.
I have lived
here my whole life.

Well, if you were born here,
then it must be
a magical place.

Yes, let's go get sandwiches

at that new deli
I keep hearing about.

(PLAYS MUSIC)

Thanks, Ganesha.

I am so happy that you are here.

In fact, my family
is having a big
party tonight.

You must both come as my guests.

Oh! An Indian party.

I hope they play that one song

with the shrieking,
nasal, atonal woman

over the bongos and tambourines.

(WOMAN SINGING)

You seem nervous.

Are you worried
about meeting Padma's family?

Yeah.

Well, that,
and this is always
what it looks like

on Homeland
right before
there's a drone strike.

Oh, my, you both
look so elegant.

Thanks, I did
a little shopping today.

Not me. Mine is actually
an Aladdin costume
from last Halloween.

I never travel without it.

(GLASS CLANGING)

Family, guests and monkeys
who have wandered
in to steal fruit,

it is my honor to
welcome you to this
engagement celebration.

Oh, engagement?
So, who's getting married?

I am.
What?

Padma, my beloved daughter.

Dhiraj, my future son-in-law.

Please, come and
meet one another.

Well, that's a Punjab
to the figs. Where's the bar?

Everyone, you are all so kind
to come tonight,

and it is so nice
to meet you, Dhiraj.

But something happened today.

And I can no longer marry you.

Padma, what is it?

My true love is here tonight.

He has come to me
all the way from America.

His name is Brian Griffin.

And my heart belongs to him.

(ALL GASP)

Quick, everyone's
looking at the dog.
Go, go, go.

Padma, you cannot
call off the wedding.

I have already
paid a large dowry
to Dhiraj's family.

But it would be wrong
to marry someone
I do not love.

The one I love is Brian.

Sir, what if I were
to repay you for all
you've spent?

Would Padma then be free
to marry whoever she wanted?

(GASPS) Brian.
You would do that?

Yes.

I love you, Padma,
and I'd do anything
to be with you.

I suppose that
might be possible.
Great.

Just give me a chance
to raise the money,

so I can marry your daughter
and make her happy.

Oh! So you don't
have the money?

He's holding onto
an Applebee's gift card
with $1.62 on it.

I do not know Applebee's.

Is it like our
Colonel Chutney's?

Does Colonel
Chutney's make you sick?

Not every time.

Then, no, it's very different.

I mean, my wife
and I have never said

the words "open marriage,"
but...

Oh, hey, Lois.
Peter.

It's time to come home
and give Joe back his
stupid little activity.

I appreciate that, Lois.

First of all,
this is my favorite thing
in the world now, so no.

And second of all,
we're about to
play a new round,

so start taking your pants off,

because when I win,
I want you ready.

Peter, if it wasn't for Joe,
you wouldn't know
about bingo anyway.

This meant everything to him,
and you've taken it away.

As a friend,
do the right thing
and give Joe back

the happiness he found here.

Joe, gag on my fat dauber.

(GAGS)

Damn it, I didn't
want to have to do this,
but you've left me no choice.

Kids, get in here.

(LAUGHS) Yay!
Time with Dad.

That's a bingo for me.

All right, how do you play?

Free space? Wow.
What's that about?

I call I sit
next to Dad.
(SIGHS)

All right, forget this.

Let's all go home and
each do our own
individual media things.

Stewie, I don't
think this is gonna work.

We're never gonna
raise enough money
to pay back Padma's father.

Trust me, Brian,
there are a billion
people here,

and almost every one of
them has a tapeworm.

Yes, excuse me,
I have a tapeworm.

All right, very good.
Lie down on your
stomach.

This won't hurt a bit.

(PLAYING FLUTE)

Hey, how are you guys?

Oh! You're a lady.
And you sound American.

How long have you been in there?

I originally just
came for my junior year,

but I fell in
love with the place.

Stewie, there's no way
I'm sitting here all day

watching tapeworms
come out of butts.

(SIGHS) I'm doomed.

I'll never be able to
pay for Padma's dowry.

I don't understand. In movies,
everything in India
always turns out great.

Julia Roberts ate
or loved or prayed
or something.

I don't know. I didn't see it.

Wait a minute.

Movies about India.

I know how I can make the money.

(APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC PLAYING)

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Our next contestant
comes all the way
from America.

Brian Griffin.
(APPLAUSE)

What brings you to India, Brian?

I'll tell you what brought me.

True love.

STEWIE: He's breaking up
a marriage.

All right, let's get started.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

First question.

Which retired Indian
cricketer has scored

over 18,000 runs
in ODI competition?

(STUTTERING)

ODI? What?

Is it, A, Anil Kumble.

B, Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

C, Sachin Tendulkar.

Or D, Jiminy Cricket.

(CHUCKLING) Well, I know
it's not Jiminy Cricket.

Unless Jiminy's
based on a real person.

I need an answer.

You know, the more I say it,
the more it does sound Indian.

Jiminy Cricket.

D, Jiminy Cricket.
Final answer.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

I'm sorry.
That is incorrect.

Thank you for playing.

We'll be right back
after this message
from the Indian Census Bureau.

Too many people!
Stop with the people!

Padma, I'm sorry.
I still haven't
raised the money.

But I'm working on it.

There is no longer a need.

My father has
solved the problem
by promising Dhiraj

the hand of my younger sister.

Oh, Padma, I meant
to ask you, are there,
like,

Bengal tigers just running
loose in the cities?

I don't know.

In America, are there
annoying talking babies
always interrupting?

Okay, it's been a long trip.
Let's not say anything
we're gonna regret.

Wait a minute,

so if Dhiraj is
marrying your sister,
that means we can be together.

Actually, about that.

I think watching
you try to answer
that question out there,

I realized something.

You know nothing of my country
or my culture.

(CHUCKLING) Well, that was
a really tough question.

No, it wasn't.
Everyone in India
knows who Sachin Tendulkar is.

Brian, I am deeply touched
that you came all
this way to find me.

But the truth is,

you and I have
very little in common.

Well, I could learn.

(STAMMERING) I mean,
there's got to be an old
Carmen Sandiego episode

on India or something.

STEWIE: Brian, Brian,
punt, punt.

I know you would try, Brian.

But when I look inside myself,
I realize I do not
want to marry you.

Mostly, I just did not
want to marry Dhiraj.

I am so sorry.

Have I answered
all of your questions
to your satisfaction?

No! I came halfway
around the world for you.

You said I was your true love.

Well, by coming here,

you saved me
from a lifetime
of unhappiness.

And I will always
love you for that.

Goodbye, Brian.

(CHUCKLES)
A peck on the cheek?

Was that worth
an $8,000 coach ticket?

You know what?
It's about the journey,
not the destination.

No, it's not.
This sucked and you failed.

Story over! Bollywood!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL:
♪ When you least expect you'll
find magic in your life

What the...
What the hell is this?

Oh, in India, it's traditional
to do a final musical

curtain call over
the end credits.

ALL:
♪ Brian came so far
but he never found a wife

♪ Ho, ho

♪ Big show, ho, ho
Time to go

This is kind of weird.

Come on, Brian,
just surrender to it.

Hey, I was in
the episode, too. Bingo.

(SING-SONG) And I'm Joe.

Joe is the captain again.

All right, I'll give it a shot.

♪ Well,
I came across the world
For a very special girl ♪

(ROARS)
(BRIAN SCREAMING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Eyes forward.
Finish the number.

Ranita, finish the number!

(BRIAN SCREAMING)
(TIGER ROARING)