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[PANTING]
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[LASZLO] As you know,
Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight...
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[SCREAMS]
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00:00:11,903 --> 00:00:14,006
... between being a human and a vampire.
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[GRUNTS]
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[SCREECHES]
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"Not a human, not yet a vampire,"
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to paraphrase one of your contemporary
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musical troubadours.
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00:00:24,189 --> 00:00:26,659
Now, I've turned my
attention to isolating
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the genetic marker which is
slowing his transformation.
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It's a very complex scientific procedure
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where I mix his DNA
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with the DNA of stray animals
15
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just to see what shakes.
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So, I began by fusing him with a swine.
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All very good.
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And a frog... Frog not so happy,
19
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- but it's just a frog.
- [FROG RIBBITS]
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This beaker for the dog,
21
00:00:48,687 --> 00:00:50,088
and this one for you.
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- Mm.
- [LASZLO] Oh, shit.
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I just realized I got
those the wrong way around.
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- My mistake.
- What do you mean, that...
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That's a big mistake.
Am I gonna be okay?
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00:00:58,733 --> 00:01:01,047
You'll be fine. I just
need another urine sample.
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- Urine sample? For...
- To refill the beakers.
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[RETCHING]
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[DOOR SLAMS]
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[LASZLO] Ha-ha!
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Laszlo's been in there for three days
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- and three nights now.
- Success!
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- I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough.
- [CRASH] - Aw, shit.
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[DOOR OPENS]
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Well?
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I don't know how to put this lightly,
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00:01:18,063 --> 00:01:19,432
but you're fucked.
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And while we're being blunt,
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00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:22,979
you are what the scientific community
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refer to as a lost cause
with no hope whatsoever.
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00:01:26,872 --> 00:01:29,831
So... that's it? You're
just gonna give up on me?
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I'm not gonna give up on you,
I'm gonna give up on the experiments.
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00:01:32,678 --> 00:01:34,647
And I'd like you to do one thing for me.
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Anything. Whatever you want.
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- [BLEATING]
- [GUILLERMO] What are those?
46
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[LASZLO] Those... well,
they're just some of the results
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of my experiments with your DNA.
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Kill them.
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["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
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♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
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♪ They have no use for your song ♪
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♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
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♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
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♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
55
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♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
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♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
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♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
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♪ ♪
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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[NADJA] These are words
for "money" in America.
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00:02:26,465 --> 00:02:28,034
So I have been teaching a class
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in Little Antipaxos on
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assimilating to America.
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I have been helping them
master everyday skills
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such as language proficiency.
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00:02:36,643 --> 00:02:38,578
[NEW YORK ACCENT] Whoa!
Hey, I'm walkin' here!
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00:02:38,589 --> 00:02:41,031
Learn better driving
etiquette, you piece of shit!
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I just spilled my coffee!
[REGULAR ACCENT] Write it down.
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00:02:44,450 --> 00:02:46,428
Typical American industries.
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Films, newspapers, beef.
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Write it down.
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And I told them the words
to the colonial patriot hymn,
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which is the song of the nation.
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00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:57,055
♪ Burgers and fries ♪
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00:02:57,066 --> 00:02:58,419
♪ Mickey Mouse ♪
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00:02:58,430 --> 00:03:01,212
♪ Mount Rushmore. ♪ Yeehaw!
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Also, a very important day, which is
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00:03:02,968 --> 00:03:05,371
the annual turkey sacrifice.
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00:03:05,404 --> 00:03:07,398
Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving.
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00:03:07,409 --> 00:03:09,764
When we are not eating
we are paying respects
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to the bird... touching
it, blowing it kisses.
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Keeping very low, on three.
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One, two, three.
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00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,673
And then acknowledge the onion.
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00:03:18,684 --> 00:03:20,686
It all started when The
Guide discovered a new detail
86
00:03:20,719 --> 00:03:23,556
about this ancient hex
that's been ruining my life.
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00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:24,701
Give me that.
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[SPEAKING GREEK]
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"For those you've
burned, you must atone."
90
00:03:30,603 --> 00:03:32,687
And that's when I figured it out.
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00:03:32,698 --> 00:03:34,901
So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only
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00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:37,007
one school that everyone went to.
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School wasn't easy for
anyone, but especially not me.
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00:03:40,472 --> 00:03:42,708
All the other children
said I was too noisy,
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00:03:42,741 --> 00:03:44,758
so I was always made to sit outside.
96
00:03:44,769 --> 00:03:48,436
And then one day,
somebody burned down the school.
97
00:03:48,447 --> 00:03:51,384
And that person was me.
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00:03:51,921 --> 00:03:54,353
Nobody died, but no one ever learned
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anything ever again.
100
00:03:55,621 --> 00:03:58,257
My fellow villagers never forgave me.
101
00:03:58,290 --> 00:04:00,626
Which is why I believe doing a school
102
00:04:00,659 --> 00:04:04,464
for my fellow little
Antipaxons will maybe be a way
103
00:04:04,497 --> 00:04:06,732
to reverse this motherfucking hex!
104
00:04:09,394 --> 00:04:11,593
- Whose...
- These freaks of nature
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00:04:11,604 --> 00:04:14,236
are a result of my DNA recombinations.
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00:04:14,247 --> 00:04:16,331
In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos.
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Created for the diagnosis of
your vampiratus interruptus.
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00:04:19,645 --> 00:04:22,415
[STAMMERS] These creatures are-are me?
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00:04:22,658 --> 00:04:24,005
Pretty much, yeah, I mean,
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you can tell by the irritating
way in which they behave.
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- Get the fuck off.
- [SCREECHES]
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00:04:28,319 --> 00:04:31,644
That one there came from one
of your stool samples and a pig.
113
00:04:31,655 --> 00:04:34,147
This one, from a cheek swab and a dog.
114
00:04:34,158 --> 00:04:36,257
And I believe you've
met these chaps before.
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00:04:36,268 --> 00:04:37,800
- Oof.
- Ugh.
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00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,787
- Do we have to kill them?
- I'm afraid so.
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Their continuous existence
is too painful reminder
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- of my failings as a scientist.
- [BLEATING]
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00:04:44,859 --> 00:04:47,642
Ah, and that one... now
that's a complete mistake.
120
00:04:47,653 --> 00:04:49,677
Some wool from one of
your hideous sweaters
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00:04:49,688 --> 00:04:51,064
got in the petri dish,
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00:04:51,075 --> 00:04:53,646
and there you go. But between you and I,
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00:04:53,731 --> 00:04:55,566
kill that one first.
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00:05:02,746 --> 00:05:07,203
In conclusion, the two steps
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00:05:07,214 --> 00:05:11,659
one, go to bank, two, open account.
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Write that down.
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- Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh.
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00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:16,067
[NADJA] I asked Nandor
and Colin Robinson
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00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:17,735
to come with me on the first day because
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00:05:17,768 --> 00:05:19,637
I didn't want the
class to look too empty.
131
00:05:19,670 --> 00:05:22,601
But now I cannot get
those two tits to leave.
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00:05:22,612 --> 00:05:26,107
It's not the best school
class I've ever attended,
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00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:27,845
even though it's the only one.
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00:05:27,878 --> 00:05:30,114
How was your weekend?
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00:05:30,285 --> 00:05:32,516
Same old, same old.
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I hear that, asshole.
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00:05:34,162 --> 00:05:37,344
[NANDOR] I thought we'd learn more
about history, like warriors
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00:05:37,355 --> 00:05:40,482
and killing and pillaging,
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00:05:40,493 --> 00:05:44,064
but I guess we got to get
through the boring stuff first.
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00:05:44,075 --> 00:05:47,836
[COLIN] I used to audit
a lot of night school classes.
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00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,067
Fiction writing, mostly. I once
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00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:51,836
did a poem that I titled
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00:05:51,869 --> 00:05:54,705
An Ode to My Father's Masculinity.
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Easy drain.
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00:05:56,296 --> 00:05:59,098
How many people did you
have sex with this weekend?
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00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:03,819
- Seven.
- One.
147
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:06,695
No! Water cooler does not talk.
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00:06:06,706 --> 00:06:07,874
Write that down.
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00:06:07,885 --> 00:06:09,553
[QUIETLY] Oh, so stupid. I give up.
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00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:11,289
I'm starting to think that
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00:06:11,300 --> 00:06:15,137
maybe I'm not very
good at this. [EXCLAIMS]
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00:06:16,570 --> 00:06:19,607
No, I... I can't.
153
00:06:19,618 --> 00:06:21,320
I can't do this. I can't
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00:06:21,429 --> 00:06:23,323
hurt an innocent creature... Ew.
155
00:06:23,334 --> 00:06:25,202
- Get off, get off, get off.
- [SCREECHING]
156
00:06:26,373 --> 00:06:27,975
I could just probably
call an exterminator
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00:06:27,986 --> 00:06:31,509
or animal control because,
technically, you are vermin, so...
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00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,490
Wow, you do look like me.
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00:06:34,732 --> 00:06:36,701
[NADJA] Is teaching
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00:06:36,712 --> 00:06:40,618
actually going to help me
lift this fucking hex?
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00:06:40,673 --> 00:06:43,509
- [HISSES]
- You are struggling.
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00:06:43,841 --> 00:06:46,498
Oh, fantastic. Another
disgruntled student.
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00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,567
You have a troubled energy about you.
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00:06:48,578 --> 00:06:50,913
A dark presence looms.
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00:06:50,924 --> 00:06:53,527
Do you know about the hex?
166
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:55,340
Ever since you have come
here, you have brought with you
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00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:58,510
a very dark, spectral
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00:06:58,829 --> 00:07:00,031
specter.
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00:07:00,046 --> 00:07:01,880
It's like a hex, if you will.
170
00:07:01,913 --> 00:07:04,750
[SIGHS] And what is your name,
171
00:07:04,805 --> 00:07:06,673
crispy, old, wizened crone?
172
00:07:06,810 --> 00:07:08,545
Oh, my name's Helen.
173
00:07:09,625 --> 00:07:12,346
Hel... Oh, just Helen.
That's it. Just Helen?
174
00:07:12,357 --> 00:07:15,624
- Helen the Magic Woman.
- And you can help me
175
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:18,196
rid myself of this disgusting hex?
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00:07:18,383 --> 00:07:20,098
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
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00:07:20,109 --> 00:07:22,945
I am so sorry, class,
but something has come up.
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00:07:22,956 --> 00:07:25,492
Colin, Nandor, one of you
is the teacher now! Go!
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00:07:25,503 --> 00:07:27,873
- I can't say I am surprised...
- I am the teacher...
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00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:29,875
- ... by this turn of events.
- ... and you will listen to me now.
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00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:31,777
- I have been known to...
- I am an expert in...
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00:07:31,810 --> 00:07:33,311
- ... um...
- [GROWLS SOFTLY]
183
00:07:34,042 --> 00:07:36,248
[NADJA] Okay. I think
I have gotten this.
184
00:07:36,303 --> 00:07:38,639
A gray egg from a red turkey,
185
00:07:38,723 --> 00:07:40,793
a petal of wolfsbane...
186
00:07:40,804 --> 00:07:42,587
Magic can be a very
187
00:07:42,620 --> 00:07:44,890
strange and confusing thing,
188
00:07:44,923 --> 00:07:47,359
which is why I do not fuck with it.
189
00:07:47,392 --> 00:07:49,567
... a snake's nose...
190
00:07:49,578 --> 00:07:51,196
But if this sorceress
191
00:07:51,229 --> 00:07:55,274
can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in.
192
00:07:55,285 --> 00:07:58,492
Is there anything else you
require for this magic potion?
193
00:07:58,503 --> 00:08:00,238
I will need an eye of newt,
194
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:01,907
a black cat's whisker
195
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:06,578
and a chocolate glazed from
the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.
196
00:08:06,726 --> 00:08:09,714
What is this, uh,
an enchanted forest or something?
197
00:08:09,747 --> 00:08:11,207
It is a pastry shop.
198
00:08:11,218 --> 00:08:13,154
- Oh. - They sell what in
these modern times
199
00:08:13,165 --> 00:08:16,241
are called doughnuts.
200
00:08:16,252 --> 00:08:17,522
A doughnut?
201
00:08:17,555 --> 00:08:19,724
- Why would you need a doughnut?
- Normally,
202
00:08:19,757 --> 00:08:22,427
I would require you to
retrieve the sweetest flower
203
00:08:22,438 --> 00:08:25,910
- from the peak of Mount Juktas.
- Oh.
204
00:08:25,921 --> 00:08:28,122
But honestly, it tastes a
lot like a doughnut, so...
205
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,457
I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex.
206
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,237
- Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay.
- [BLEATING]
207
00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:33,572
No, I don't know what the next step is,
208
00:08:33,605 --> 00:08:36,374
but it's definitely not
killing them. Maybe to the zoo?
209
00:08:36,407 --> 00:08:39,346
Uh... the park? I could drop
you guys at the park, huh?
210
00:08:39,357 --> 00:08:42,140
A good run in the park
would do me a world of good.
211
00:08:43,838 --> 00:08:46,287
- You can talk.
- Many of us can.
212
00:08:46,297 --> 00:08:49,321
I apologize for not telling you sooner,
I just didn't want to...
213
00:08:49,354 --> 00:08:50,855
- shock you.
- [SCREECHES]
214
00:08:55,180 --> 00:09:01,446
A question: What is the
most important knowledge...
215
00:09:02,570 --> 00:09:04,339
one can possess?
216
00:09:04,350 --> 00:09:05,736
History.
217
00:09:05,769 --> 00:09:07,771
And where did human history begin?
218
00:09:07,826 --> 00:09:11,630
The great empire of Al
Qolnidar rose to power
219
00:09:11,641 --> 00:09:15,524
in what the Western world calls 1262.
220
00:09:15,535 --> 00:09:17,523
But we're gonna forget about that
221
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:21,258
and just call it the year O.
222
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:25,403
Whatever, man. History is subjective.
223
00:09:25,414 --> 00:09:26,979
I mean, teach what you want,
224
00:09:26,990 --> 00:09:29,466
but just know that history
225
00:09:29,477 --> 00:09:31,439
is written by the oppressors.
226
00:09:31,450 --> 00:09:34,296
One of the biggest and most
227
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,582
commonly-used energy drains imaginable
228
00:09:37,593 --> 00:09:40,137
is being the cool teacher.
229
00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:42,806
I used to have a bumper
sticker that said,
230
00:09:42,839 --> 00:09:45,231
"I rather be reading Bukowski."
231
00:09:45,554 --> 00:09:46,677
It was pretty rad.
232
00:09:46,710 --> 00:09:49,007
Uh, I have a little gift for you guys.
233
00:09:49,018 --> 00:09:50,280
Some condoms.
234
00:09:50,313 --> 00:09:52,666
I want you guys to be healthy out there.
235
00:09:52,677 --> 00:09:55,674
You don't have to be in
love to wear the glove.
236
00:09:55,685 --> 00:09:57,154
- Right, Lorraine?
- [NANDOR] Colin Robinson
237
00:09:57,187 --> 00:09:59,156
has tricked my pupils into thinking
238
00:09:59,189 --> 00:10:01,358
- that they are learning.
- [CHUCKLES]
239
00:10:01,391 --> 00:10:03,227
Meanwhile, I have not
heard the word "history"
240
00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:05,480
or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.
241
00:10:05,491 --> 00:10:06,919
[COLIN] Let me tell you about Hamlet.
242
00:10:06,930 --> 00:10:08,932
A prince of a castle.
243
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:11,161
You wince, but his hassle
244
00:10:11,172 --> 00:10:13,530
was the death of... his daddy.
245
00:10:13,541 --> 00:10:14,909
A baddy? No.
246
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,719
- But sad he was when the lad
said, "Egad"... - [GROWLS]
247
00:10:17,730 --> 00:10:20,576
a prince driven mad, ya boy got had.
248
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:23,113
[NANDOR] What is even worse
is that he keeps sitting up
249
00:10:23,146 --> 00:10:24,915
on the desk with his legs crossed
250
00:10:24,948 --> 00:10:28,437
so that everyone can see
his nut hanging out his short.
251
00:10:30,223 --> 00:10:31,398
[GUILLERMO] You can talk?
252
00:10:31,409 --> 00:10:33,412
- You're, like, real people?
- [BLEATING]
253
00:10:33,423 --> 00:10:34,725
Why didn't you tell me you could talk?
254
00:10:34,758 --> 00:10:36,393
I guess we can be shy sometimes.
255
00:10:36,448 --> 00:10:38,810
What, you open up to
people right off the bat?
256
00:10:38,821 --> 00:10:40,831
Well, no, not usually,
I guess I take a second,
257
00:10:40,864 --> 00:10:42,041
yeah, but...
258
00:10:42,052 --> 00:10:45,628
- I made an oopsie, Daddy.
- No, no one's Daddy.
259
00:10:45,639 --> 00:10:46,913
But Daddy Gemerno,
260
00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:49,553
- the oopsie is getting bad.
- [GUILLERMO] Oh, shit.
261
00:10:49,564 --> 00:10:50,721
Ugh, what'd you eat?
262
00:10:50,732 --> 00:10:51,967
Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of
263
00:10:51,978 --> 00:10:53,546
made the froggie pregnant.
264
00:10:53,557 --> 00:10:54,865
- What?
- I want raw meat.
265
00:10:54,876 --> 00:10:56,444
- Da-da, my oopsie's really bad.
- [BLEATING] Da-da.
266
00:10:56,454 --> 00:10:58,110
- [DOG] What's the plan, Daddy?
- Come on!
267
00:10:58,120 --> 00:10:59,948
- I want to go outside.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!
268
00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:02,297
Stop talking. I got to
think, I got to think.
269
00:11:02,438 --> 00:11:05,162
Laszlo wants me to, you
know, get rid of you.
270
00:11:05,173 --> 00:11:07,375
What means "get rid of"?
271
00:11:07,386 --> 00:11:09,689
- Um...
- Our elders spoke of a prophecy
272
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,969
of the one true Guillermo who saves us.
273
00:11:12,258 --> 00:11:14,494
What are you talking about?
Elders? Who-who are your elders?
274
00:11:14,505 --> 00:11:16,407
He was born 15 minutes before me.
275
00:11:16,508 --> 00:11:17,663
Hello, young one.
276
00:11:17,674 --> 00:11:20,269
Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us.
277
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,595
- Daddy, Daddy.
- [DOG] Ain't that right, Daddy?
278
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:24,281
- I don't want to die.
- Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking.
279
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,860
- Fine. I'll save you.
- Yeah!
280
00:11:25,871 --> 00:11:28,081
- Thank you, Daddy.
- But you can't tell Laszlo, okay?
281
00:11:28,092 --> 00:11:30,017
- Agreed.
- Is this all of you guys?
282
00:11:30,028 --> 00:11:31,687
- Where's-where's Binky?
- Who?
283
00:11:31,698 --> 00:11:33,233
Binky's the most fragile among us.
284
00:11:33,244 --> 00:11:34,412
He lives in the koi pond.
285
00:11:34,423 --> 00:11:37,348
- Find him, Guillermo.
- Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky.
286
00:11:37,359 --> 00:11:38,961
And you're all gonna stay put
287
00:11:38,972 --> 00:11:41,388
a-and not make a noise. All right?
288
00:11:41,399 --> 00:11:44,005
Do not think your
bravery will go unnoticed.
289
00:11:44,016 --> 00:11:46,031
- See her? This fetching bitch...
- [WHINES]
290
00:11:46,042 --> 00:11:48,812
... is my beautiful daughter.
You may lay with her.
291
00:11:48,823 --> 00:11:51,111
- No, I'm good. I'm gonna take this gun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
292
00:11:51,122 --> 00:11:52,383
- [PIG] We love you, Daddy.
- I'll be back.
293
00:11:52,394 --> 00:11:53,497
[DOG] Daddy!
294
00:11:55,101 --> 00:11:57,170
Helen, I'm home! [CHUCKLES]
295
00:11:57,256 --> 00:11:58,958
So, I think I got everything.
296
00:11:59,097 --> 00:12:00,455
One monkey paw.
297
00:12:00,466 --> 00:12:03,403
- Great...
- Tears on a woman's love letter.
298
00:12:03,699 --> 00:12:07,240
Oh. Okay, so we're going
straight for the doughnut.
299
00:12:07,251 --> 00:12:08,923
Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had
300
00:12:08,934 --> 00:12:11,912
vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles.
301
00:12:11,923 --> 00:12:13,983
What am I supposed to do with this?
302
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,499
Could you not use that
for your magic potion?
303
00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:18,045
Has to be chocolate or...
304
00:12:18,056 --> 00:12:20,676
You think I can put this in my big bowl?
305
00:12:20,687 --> 00:12:22,155
Do you mean a cauldron?
306
00:12:22,166 --> 00:12:23,886
Yes. That is the word.
307
00:12:23,897 --> 00:12:25,547
You're gonna have to go back out.
308
00:12:25,558 --> 00:12:26,947
Of course, yes.
309
00:12:26,958 --> 00:12:30,915
And why don't you also grab me
310
00:12:30,926 --> 00:12:32,699
three Boston creams,
311
00:12:32,732 --> 00:12:35,402
three chocolate glazed, four jelly
312
00:12:35,435 --> 00:12:38,208
and five glazed crullers.
313
00:12:38,219 --> 00:12:39,944
- What else?
- Do you think you might want
314
00:12:39,955 --> 00:12:42,344
more of witchy, spooky stuff?
315
00:12:42,355 --> 00:12:44,786
Uh, maybe, after we
get the Dunkin' sorted.
316
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:46,680
[NADJA] I don't know much about hexes
317
00:12:46,691 --> 00:12:48,781
or how to get rid of them, obviously.
318
00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:52,357
Maybe the doughnut is something
to do with the circle of life?
319
00:12:52,368 --> 00:12:56,478
Also, Helen said she had this
magic wand for thousands of years.
320
00:12:56,489 --> 00:12:58,925
But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside
321
00:12:58,936 --> 00:13:00,882
and pick up a stick from the ground.
322
00:13:00,893 --> 00:13:03,096
- It was, like, a "crullan."
- Cruller.
323
00:13:03,129 --> 00:13:05,498
- "Crewlour."
- Cr-uller.
324
00:13:05,509 --> 00:13:07,679
"Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."
325
00:13:07,690 --> 00:13:08,713
Close enough.
326
00:13:08,901 --> 00:13:10,503
[HUMMING A TUNE]
327
00:13:10,536 --> 00:13:12,572
[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]
328
00:13:12,605 --> 00:13:15,113
What the fuck... Gizmo? What are you
329
00:13:15,124 --> 00:13:16,892
doing in there... are you wanking?
330
00:13:16,903 --> 00:13:19,506
- No! What? - Well, I wouldn't
judge you if you were.
331
00:13:19,517 --> 00:13:22,344
I wank in there all the time.
30 minutes ago, to be precise.
332
00:13:22,355 --> 00:13:24,424
No. Actually, I'm trying to
catch one of your abominations.
333
00:13:24,584 --> 00:13:26,152
Listen, I understand this kind of thing
334
00:13:26,163 --> 00:13:27,465
is not for the faint of heart.
335
00:13:27,476 --> 00:13:28,710
So if you don't have the balls for it,
336
00:13:28,721 --> 00:13:30,389
- I don't mind stepping in.
- No.
337
00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:33,405
- I-I have the balls for it.
- Good.
338
00:13:33,416 --> 00:13:35,291
- Get out of my shed.
- Oh, you're gonna go and...
339
00:13:35,302 --> 00:13:36,529
- And wank.
- Yeah.
340
00:13:36,562 --> 00:13:37,831
- Yes!
- Okay.
341
00:13:37,864 --> 00:13:39,799
- And shut the door.
- Shut the door.
342
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,435
Okay.
343
00:13:42,468 --> 00:13:44,626
Binky. [SMOOCHES]
344
00:13:44,957 --> 00:13:47,374
Hey, buddy. Come on.
345
00:13:47,407 --> 00:13:48,475
Come on.
346
00:13:48,508 --> 00:13:50,443
Whoa, Nelly!
347
00:13:51,766 --> 00:13:52,812
[GASPING]
348
00:13:52,845 --> 00:13:56,516
Daddy, what is "wank"? [GASPS]
349
00:14:01,092 --> 00:14:03,862
[OUT OF TUNE CHORD]
350
00:14:04,442 --> 00:14:06,243
I almost have it.
351
00:14:07,018 --> 00:14:08,182
Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.
352
00:14:08,193 --> 00:14:09,538
- [SIGHS]
- Hold on.
353
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,351
- [IN-TUNE CHORD]
- There.
354
00:14:11,362 --> 00:14:14,747
So, what did we just
learn about sound waves?
355
00:14:14,758 --> 00:14:15,856
Yeah. Lenore.
356
00:14:15,867 --> 00:14:17,102
When will learn about, uh,
357
00:14:17,113 --> 00:14:18,949
starting mortgage?
358
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,074
Right after I play
359
00:14:21,085 --> 00:14:23,090
"Nightswimming" by R.E.M.
360
00:14:23,101 --> 00:14:24,703
- Uh, let's see...
- Colin Robinson,
361
00:14:24,714 --> 00:14:26,749
what are we doing outside?
362
00:14:26,911 --> 00:14:29,014
Having class on the quad, man.
363
00:14:29,047 --> 00:14:30,882
Kind of a college tradition.
364
00:14:30,915 --> 00:14:32,584
I catch your drift, though.
365
00:14:32,975 --> 00:14:35,699
How about we get the old blood pumpin'
366
00:14:35,754 --> 00:14:39,338
- with some hacky sack?
- [GRUNTS]
367
00:14:39,349 --> 00:14:40,349
- That's not cool.
- [THUD]
368
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,743
- We are going to the history museum.
- [CAR ALARM BLARING]
369
00:14:42,754 --> 00:14:45,026
- Who's with me?
- Museum? Is inside?
370
00:14:45,037 --> 00:14:47,599
Yes. Very much so. Follow me!
371
00:14:47,632 --> 00:14:49,635
- Oh. [MUTTERS]
- Who here has seen Garden State?
372
00:14:49,668 --> 00:14:52,319
There's a song in it
that I'd love for you guys
373
00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:54,332
to listen to by The Shins.
374
00:14:57,578 --> 00:15:00,702
This is from the Dunkin' on Forest
and Broadway. I said it must be
375
00:15:00,713 --> 00:15:03,915
- Forest and South.
- What? How can you even tell?
376
00:15:03,948 --> 00:15:06,551
Hello! I'm a magic woman.
I can tell everything.
377
00:15:06,584 --> 00:15:08,153
- [SIGHS]
- I will need a dozen more
378
00:15:08,186 --> 00:15:11,200
- from the Forest and South location.
- Are you kidding me?
379
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:13,480
How many donuts do you need, lady?
380
00:15:13,491 --> 00:15:15,027
- [GROANS]
- Oh!
381
00:15:15,060 --> 00:15:16,828
Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening?
382
00:15:16,861 --> 00:15:19,717
Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful
383
00:15:19,728 --> 00:15:21,297
with each passing moment.
384
00:15:21,308 --> 00:15:24,057
- Oh, no. - Oh, you must
fetch me one last thing.
385
00:15:24,068 --> 00:15:25,593
Yes, yes, anything.
386
00:15:27,330 --> 00:15:29,574
A dozen powdered Munchkins.
387
00:15:29,607 --> 00:15:33,412
Powder represents the
ashes of your ancestors.
388
00:15:33,423 --> 00:15:36,515
I will get you a dozen
powdered Munchkins.
389
00:15:36,526 --> 00:15:38,161
Stay with me, Helen!
390
00:15:38,636 --> 00:15:40,639
- [WHIMPERING]
- Oh.
391
00:15:40,650 --> 00:15:42,843
- Piss!
- [STOPS WHIMPERING]
392
00:15:43,295 --> 00:15:45,457
What are you doing?! Come on!
393
00:15:45,490 --> 00:15:47,960
[NANDOR] And you will not
call the police about us
394
00:15:47,993 --> 00:15:50,729
being here while the museum is closed.
395
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,519
[QUIET CHATTER]
396
00:15:52,761 --> 00:15:56,334
The entire history of Staten Island!
397
00:15:56,354 --> 00:15:58,918
- Look at this.
- [COLIN] This is a recreation
398
00:15:58,929 --> 00:16:02,074
of the 19th century
immigrant experience,
399
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,098
based on old travel chests
400
00:16:04,109 --> 00:16:06,645
that were never claimed
from the customs house.
401
00:16:06,678 --> 00:16:08,914
This fellow is wearing traditional
402
00:16:08,947 --> 00:16:11,483
Al-Qolnidarian gown.
403
00:16:11,494 --> 00:16:14,327
This is exactly the
kind of outfit I wore
404
00:16:14,338 --> 00:16:16,388
on my journey to America.
405
00:16:16,421 --> 00:16:18,590
And I do so love
406
00:16:18,623 --> 00:16:22,844
that this is from the
immigrant's perspective.
407
00:16:22,855 --> 00:16:26,312
So accurate, down to the underwear.
408
00:16:26,323 --> 00:16:29,300
Those look very much
like a pair I used to own.
409
00:16:29,311 --> 00:16:30,902
Wait a minute.
410
00:16:31,357 --> 00:16:33,532
Those are a pair I used to own!
411
00:16:33,543 --> 00:16:36,202
How did these fuckers get my stuff?!
412
00:16:37,742 --> 00:16:40,990
Donut wench, I need a dozen
powdered Munchkins, and make it quick.
413
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:44,571
- A hex is killing my friend.
- Okey dokey.
414
00:16:44,582 --> 00:16:46,146
$5.07 for the Munchkins,
415
00:16:46,157 --> 00:16:48,259
and I'll ignore the other stuff.
416
00:16:48,270 --> 00:16:50,622
Wait... Wait, hang on, that is her.
417
00:16:50,655 --> 00:16:52,925
That is my friend.
How do you know Helen?
418
00:16:52,958 --> 00:16:55,357
Um, I guess I know her from, like,
419
00:16:55,670 --> 00:16:57,867
harassing me and my co-workers.
420
00:16:57,878 --> 00:16:58,967
That's mainly how.
421
00:16:58,978 --> 00:17:01,560
Hang on. Helen Johnson?
422
00:17:01,571 --> 00:17:04,327
I thought her name was
Helen the Magic Woman.
423
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:06,538
[SPEAKS GREEK]
424
00:17:06,571 --> 00:17:09,309
Something here stinks of a snake's shit.
425
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,155
I have your Munchkins.
426
00:17:11,999 --> 00:17:13,734
We need to have a little chat.
427
00:17:14,088 --> 00:17:17,419
What is this? Why does
it say Helen Johnson
428
00:17:17,430 --> 00:17:19,781
when your name is Helen the Magic Woman?
429
00:17:19,792 --> 00:17:23,117
I, um, never told you my full name,
430
00:17:23,128 --> 00:17:27,034
which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
431
00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:28,541
The hex is playing tricks on you.
432
00:17:28,552 --> 00:17:31,921
This is textbook hex.
The solution is a strawb...
433
00:17:31,932 --> 00:17:33,787
No! Ugh!
434
00:17:33,917 --> 00:17:35,051
Wait!
435
00:17:36,910 --> 00:17:39,563
You have no idea what it's like
436
00:17:39,574 --> 00:17:42,662
to not be allowed back to the one place
437
00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:45,532
- you feel at home.
- [SIGHS]
438
00:17:45,543 --> 00:17:47,190
I do know what it is like
439
00:17:47,201 --> 00:17:48,580
to be driven from the only place
440
00:17:48,613 --> 00:17:50,082
you have ever called home,
441
00:17:50,115 --> 00:17:52,786
just as I was driven out of my village.
442
00:17:52,797 --> 00:17:54,112
It ain't great. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
443
00:17:54,123 --> 00:17:56,185
My hex may not have been lifted,
444
00:17:56,196 --> 00:17:58,983
but with a little hypnosis,
445
00:17:59,176 --> 00:18:01,263
at least Helen's has been.
446
00:18:02,083 --> 00:18:06,046
Welcome home, sweet freak,
Helen "the Magic" Johnson.
447
00:18:06,057 --> 00:18:09,159
You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore.
448
00:18:09,876 --> 00:18:12,993
"This immigrant probably
came from a small village
449
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:17,821
in the Near Middle East, one
with a particularly weak army,
450
00:18:17,832 --> 00:18:20,081
based on their inferior weaponry."
451
00:18:20,092 --> 00:18:22,547
What? Those are my travel weapons.
452
00:18:22,558 --> 00:18:26,557
"Also inside was a
well-worn good-luck amulet.
453
00:18:26,568 --> 00:18:30,456
The Atlantic Crossing was
terrifying to most uneducated
454
00:18:30,467 --> 00:18:34,371
travelers of the day, and they
sought comfort in superstitions..."
455
00:18:34,382 --> 00:18:36,699
I was not terrified of shit.
456
00:18:36,710 --> 00:18:38,840
And I don't even know what an amulet is.
457
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:42,215
That is a key chain
given to me by my mommy.
458
00:18:42,226 --> 00:18:47,016
[COLIN] It also says that the
immigrant was a talented writer.
459
00:18:47,027 --> 00:18:50,361
- It does?
- "Stories about sexual escapades
460
00:18:50,372 --> 00:18:52,430
while flying in the sky."
461
00:18:52,441 --> 00:18:54,579
That's right... sky fucking.
462
00:18:54,612 --> 00:18:55,914
Glad to see they've acknowledged
463
00:18:55,947 --> 00:18:57,783
some of the cool shit that I've done.
464
00:18:57,816 --> 00:19:00,786
"It's a rare example of
early erotic fiction."
465
00:19:00,819 --> 00:19:03,073
Fiction? This is not fiction.
466
00:19:03,084 --> 00:19:06,058
- This is my diary!
- [COLIN] "It is likely that, unable
467
00:19:06,091 --> 00:19:08,889
to find a sexual partner,
468
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:11,779
the immigrant bided
his time imagining one.
469
00:19:11,790 --> 00:19:14,348
The crude and improbable descriptions
470
00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:16,262
of his intercourse
471
00:19:16,273 --> 00:19:18,335
- furthermore suggests this individual...
- [LOW GROWLING]
472
00:19:18,346 --> 00:19:20,727
- Don't say it!
- ... never had sex."
473
00:19:20,738 --> 00:19:23,735
[NANDOR GROANING, YELLING]
474
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:29,226
[COLIN] Violence is the last
refuge of the incompetent.
475
00:19:30,255 --> 00:19:32,156
- [BLEATING]
- [SQUEALING]
476
00:19:34,321 --> 00:19:36,390
[LASZLO] I know it's tough,
Gizmo, but it must be done.
477
00:19:36,445 --> 00:19:39,059
Steady thy hand and become death.
478
00:19:39,070 --> 00:19:41,951
But wait till I'm gone. I don't want
to be covered in brains and shit.
479
00:19:41,962 --> 00:19:43,872
- Au revoir.
- [BLEATS]
480
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:45,597
- Bye.
- [WHIMPERING]
481
00:19:45,608 --> 00:19:48,153
- Shh.
- [GUNSHOTS]
482
00:19:48,164 --> 00:19:49,243
- [BLEATING]
- There we go.
483
00:19:51,905 --> 00:19:53,707
Thank you so much, Guillermo.
484
00:19:53,718 --> 00:19:56,765
- Hey, no one's dying on my wa...
- [CREATURES EXCLAIMING]
485
00:19:56,776 --> 00:19:58,145
Oh! [GRUNTS]
486
00:19:58,178 --> 00:20:00,582
- No. No, drop it. Drop it!
- [GROWLING]
487
00:20:00,593 --> 00:20:01,920
Sorry about that.
488
00:20:04,184 --> 00:20:05,352
[COLIN] Hello.
489
00:20:05,603 --> 00:20:08,255
I thought you might want this
490
00:20:08,266 --> 00:20:10,135
key ring that your mommy gave you.
491
00:20:10,190 --> 00:20:12,392
I stole it from the museum.
492
00:20:12,403 --> 00:20:15,533
Is this how history is going to
remember me, Colin Robinson,
493
00:20:15,544 --> 00:20:17,698
if it is going to remember me at all?
494
00:20:17,731 --> 00:20:21,034
Well, I also took the liberty
495
00:20:21,067 --> 00:20:24,071
of rearranging the museum display.
496
00:20:24,082 --> 00:20:26,091
"This immigrant was a very feared
497
00:20:26,102 --> 00:20:28,275
and very cool ancient warrior
498
00:20:28,308 --> 00:20:31,878
who set the world's record
for having the most constant
499
00:20:31,911 --> 00:20:34,047
- sexual intercourse"?
- Sexual intercourse.
500
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,951
"Often while flying, and he
was never scared of boat rides."
501
00:20:38,132 --> 00:20:39,441
[NANDOR] You're shitting me.
502
00:20:39,496 --> 00:20:43,034
Whatever, you know? Uh,
history is a construct.
503
00:20:43,045 --> 00:20:44,713
Thank you, Colin Robinson.
504
00:20:44,724 --> 00:20:46,409
You are not just a cool teacher.
505
00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:48,636
You are also a cool friend.
506
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:50,753
[SINGSONGY] Awkward
moment. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
507
00:20:51,498 --> 00:20:53,867
- [BRAKES SQUEAKS]
- Okay.
508
00:20:54,129 --> 00:20:56,665
Just remember: never
be seen by the staff.
509
00:20:57,348 --> 00:20:59,418
- You're only safe with the old people.
- Okay.
510
00:20:59,428 --> 00:21:01,341
- [BLEATING] I understand.
- Yes, we understand.
511
00:21:01,374 --> 00:21:03,710
[GUILLERMO] So I just dropped
them off at a retirement home
512
00:21:03,743 --> 00:21:05,112
that my tía works at.
513
00:21:05,145 --> 00:21:06,747
She's always saying the residents
514
00:21:06,780 --> 00:21:08,115
are really lonely and love company.
515
00:21:08,148 --> 00:21:11,685
- Who has B-1? B-1?
- [MAN] Yeah. B-1.
516
00:21:11,718 --> 00:21:13,841
[GUILLERMO] And it was super
easy to get the paperwork
517
00:21:13,852 --> 00:21:15,354
for an emotional support animal.
518
00:21:15,365 --> 00:21:17,724
[CHUCKLING, SIGHING]
519
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:20,827
[GUILLERMO] They'll be
happy here, I think.
520
00:21:22,023 --> 00:21:23,627
I hope.
521
00:21:23,930 --> 00:21:26,366
♪ Born free ♪
522
00:21:26,399 --> 00:21:30,203
♪ As free as the wind blows ♪
523
00:21:30,778 --> 00:21:34,508
♪ As free as the grass grows... ♪
524
00:21:34,795 --> 00:21:37,768
I decided to keep Binky
because he's happy here.
525
00:21:37,925 --> 00:21:40,828
[LASZLO] Gizmo, what
are you doing out there?
526
00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:42,117
Having a wank?
527
00:21:42,128 --> 00:21:44,676
Ah, good man. Carry on.
528
00:21:46,116 --> 00:21:48,188
- Hey, buddy.
- [GURGLES]
529
00:21:48,221 --> 00:21:50,924
♪ Live free ♪
530
00:21:50,957 --> 00:21:54,861
♪ And beauty surrounds you ♪
531
00:21:54,894 --> 00:21:57,898
♪ The world still astounds you ♪
532
00:21:57,931 --> 00:22:00,067
♪ Each time you look at ♪
533
00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:04,238
♪ A star ♪
534
00:22:04,271 --> 00:22:07,207
♪ Stay free ♪
535
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:11,144
♪ Where no walls divide you ♪
536
00:22:11,177 --> 00:22:14,047
♪ You're free as the roaring tides ♪
537
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,049
♪ So there's no need ♪
538
00:22:16,082 --> 00:22:20,687
♪ To hide ♪
539
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:24,758
♪ Born free ♪
540
00:22:24,791 --> 00:22:28,161
♪ Born free... ♪
541
00:22:28,194 --> 00:22:32,199
♪ Born free ♪
542
00:22:32,232 --> 00:22:34,201
♪ Born. ♪
543
00:22:34,547 --> 00:22:39,547
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
40644
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