All language subtitles for Ultrajante

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[ Music playing ]

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You awake up there?

Isn't there any professionalism
in this club?

Would you spin
my record, please?

[ Music playing ]

WOMAN: ♪ Sometimes I'm happy
Peaceful and free ♪

You did a great job on his wig.

You're the best in Toronto.

It's a pity he wouldn't let me
lacquer his face, as well.

WOMAN:
♪ See the devil and I don't

♪ Seems no one can help

♪ Need to find you again

♪ My friend

♪ Sometimes it's easy

♪ To laugh like a clown

♪ Tumble in bedding

♪ Ten feet off the ground

♪ But sometimes

♪ I can't take life anymore

♪ I'm lost in the shadows

♪ Won't you save me again?

♪ It ain't easy

♪ In this crazy world

You're just dying
to get up on that stage.

I'm not that desperate
for attention.

Not yet.

WOMAN:
♪ In our crazy way

♪ Who knows when they'll come

♪ And take us away

♪ Hope not today

♪ Sometimes I'm flying
the heavens above ♪

♪ Higher and higher

♪ On wings of your love

♪ But sometimes

♪ All the magic slips away

♪ I'm falling to earth

♪ Won't you catch me again

♪ My friend?

♪ Sometimes I'm winning

♪ Round after round

♪ Cards come up aces

♪ As fate deals them down

♪ But sometimes

♪ She just looks
the other way ♪

♪ I'm no good at bluffing

♪ Won't you save me again?

♪ It ain't easy

♪ In this crazy world

♪ I could never make it

♪ Without you

♪ We love each other

♪ In our crazy way

♪ Who knows when they'll come

♪ And take us away

♪ It ain't easy

♪ In this crazy world

♪ I could never make it

♪ Without you

♪ We love each other

♪ In our crazy way

♪ Who knows when they'll come

♪ And take us away

♪ Hope not today

3A.

3A, I knew it.

I remembered.
I knew it.

[ Music playing ]

WOMAN:
♪ Give my regard to Broadway

♪ Remember me on
Herald Square ♪

♪ Tell all the boys
at 42nd Street ♪

♪ That I will soon be there

Oh, I'll be there too, darling.

On key, I hope.

[ Buzzer buzzing ]

Damn, Perry.

[ Knocking ]

Good queens are never early,
good queens are late.

Late, Perry.

Robin?

Liza.

I was so afraid
you weren't gonna be home.

I escaped.

ROBIN: You're gonna make
the doctors real mad.

Oh, no, I won't.
I was never certified.

I'll be all right. Sort of.

-I can stay, can't I, Robin?
-Here?

I'll get my own place
soon, really.

I'm not crazy, like they say.
They want to make me crazier.

Oh, Robin, please?

Sure, baby.
Come on.

It won't be for very long.

Doesn't matter.
Come on.

I'm better already.
Really, I am.

Sit down.

I'm good.

[ Music playing ]

[ Liza mumbling indistinctly ]

[ Indistinct ]

ROBIN: Liza.

-What is it?
-[ Indistinct ]

It's here? Why?

Come on. Okay.

Back to the cages,
Kong, go, okay.

Come on.
We can make it together.

Just... that's it.

Push, push.

Push. Push.

Harder. Harder.

Okay.

Push.

He always finds me.

He says I'm the one born dead,

so he comes to grind my bones
into powder.

He's a Bonecrusher
from the other place

where they all laugh at me.

The hospital?

No.

No. The other place.

The other place
where the great divider be...

[ Indistinct ]

What are you saying?
I don't understand.

LIZA: It's the other language.

It's-- it's hard to translate
into English.

Zara taught it to me.

He's from the other place, too,
only he's different.

He's beautiful like a dragonfly.

He used to come to me
after the shock treatments,

and he'd put on
little performances

to make the pain behind my head
go away.

He's so funny.
Sometimes I tell him

that I love him, he'd grow
too tall for the ceiling.

He's so funny.

But I can't let him
stay anymore.

I can't let him stay anymore.

Not anymore.

Careful. Girl needs friends.

No. But you don't understand.
He's from the other place.

And I'm not
a part of them anymore.

The others,
they still come, sometimes.

They think and say
that the one who was born dead

belongs with them,
but they're wrong.

I'm alive, I'm alive.

Yeah. Hey, let's just call
the doctor and check...

No. No. No. No. No.

No, the doctors
and the white horse,

they've got keys
to lock up my brain.

They come at me with needles
and take me

to the electric dungeons
and sizzle my brain.

I got to think to fight off
the Bonecrusher

in the hospital,
but they don't let you think.

They say they don't see
the Bonecrusher but I know.

I know.
I know they see him.

They're his helpers.

You got to promise
not to tell anyone.

It's very dangerous.

They got to spoil
all special people.

You got to promise, Robin.

I promise.

Oh, good. Good.
I can do it.

I can go sane,
just like anybody else.

Of course, you can.

[ Music playing ]

I told you he'd be right along.

Now, Peggy O'Brien is out there,
and she is turning

into the Wicked Witch
of the West.

Hmm.

You got to move it!

Now!

Right after mess,
Sergeant Jason, sir.

Mother always told me
to have a good breakfast.

The only mother
you have to worry about is me.

And this mother is mad, Turner,
real mad.

You know Lana Turner
was my real mother.

Even a fag hairdresser like you
should recognize these gams.

MRS. CONNORS: I brought
your suitcases, honey.

All your favorite clothes.

Let me bring them in for you.

We could talk.

No, Mother.

Mother, I've got too much to do.

The nurse is coming,
and I've got to do things alone.

It's important, Mother.

You blame me, don't you?

It was the best mental home
in the province,

what else could we do?

The nightmares you had,

those things you saw
and the crying.

I couldn't stand you
always crying, Liza.

Liza.

[ Sighing ]

We do love you, honey.

Whatever you do,
you're still my little girl.

You remember that.

And I beat everyone they had
in all afternoon.

They said I was the best
game player

they've auditioned in a month.

Magic Squares is one game show
I could never get.

All those lights and buzzers

and Canadian stars
I've never heard of.

Oh, it's easy.
You watch tonight,

and I'll show you how to play
and make bundles of money.

Broadcast live, huh?

Right across Canada.

Should we get
a little adventuresome?

Well, maybe just a tad.

Hmm...

Something regal.

Oh.

[ Buzzer buzzes ]

Open on the second ring.
The second ring.

[ Buzzer buzzes ]

-Liza Connors?
-Yes.

-Nurse Carr.
-Hello.

Won't you come in?

Please excuse the disarray.

It's such a task
settling into a new place.

Won't you sit down?

So, you don't think

that you need
the hospital anymore?

Well, it's Dr. Beddoes' decision
to let you stay out.

It's on his hands,
not on mine.

I'll just keep an eye
out on you, just in case,

and fill out the forms.

[ Kettle whistling ]

Oh, the kettle,
may I get you some tea?

Coffee. Milk, no sugar.

Coffee, milk, no sugar.

Real nurses drink tea,
not coffee.

Here we are.

I'm afraid it's only instant.

What isn't these days?

[ Chuckling ]

Now, medications.

Did Dr. Beddoes send you
your prescription?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Now you must never forget

that you were
in a mental institution

for eight years, Liza.

You're schizophrenic, Liza.

-Two Nozinans upon waking.
-CARR: Mm-hmm.

-Three Valium after breakfast.
-CARR: Mm-hmm.

-Three Monopin at 2:00.
-CARR: Mm-hmm.

Two Nardil at 7:00
and two Valium at 10:00.

Mm-hmm.

Now, you dating anyone?

In your condition,
it would be unthinkable

to risk pregnancy.

-No, no dates.
-CARR: Good.

Now, let's talk about bowels.

About what?

Movement,
consistency, frequencies.

Oh.

PEGGY: Now?

Just one more touch.

The new you.

[ Yelling ]

An Irish Cleopatra?

LIZA: I functioned, Robin.

-I really functioned well.
-Good.

They make one of the best
stories for my crazies.

She had a bag
full of other people's brains,

and she sat in my world
scribbling on mine.

Do you know they're powerless
so long as I can function?

I'm never gonna go back
to that locked ward.

Good.

I smiled at her.

Not a very large smile, though.

She put me down as manic.

Robin, I was fabulous.

She said the welfare money
will be coming soon,

and I can start
to share the rent.

You want a drink?

Okay.

You don't seem very excited
about my victory.

I mean, I know it's not a lot
for a lot of other people

but it sure was a lot for me.

ROBIN: I'm just a little tired.

Are you mad at me
for not seeing mother?

ROBIN: No.

She always gets me so depressed,

and then I can't
keep my mind steady.

I know.

I mean, she comes
with good intentions,

but she leaves
visions of lepers behind her.

You don't want me here,
do you?

You know better than that.

I don't know what I know.

I'm crazy Liza.

You are not the only person

in the whole world
with feelings.

What?

I am depressed, okay?

Why?

Oh, come on.
Tell me.

Doesn't matter.

I'll slip the juice
to your noggin if you don't.

Tased like some wild
wonderful thing,

I'm caged in a snake pit.

Hey, I know, Robin.

Why don't you do my hair all up
and sexy and we can go out

and cruise everything in pants?

I'm sick of doing
everyone else's hairdo.

Even Cleopatra's?

That bitch.
Oh, she should've tipped me 50

for giving her class.

I guess she didn't want class.

Any woman in this town
should be thrilled

to look like Cleopatra
or Bette Davis.

I mean, those gals are tough.

I think they're made of steel,
but they're dazzling, alive.

They've got guts,
and they had fun.

These women here,

they live life
like it's a can of Coke,

and they're afraid
to drink it too fast,

or it'll all be gone.

Life isn't a can of Coke.

Diet Pepsi.

Hmm. They sit in my station,

they yak about renovating
their houses.

They should renovate their
shitty little lives instead.

Some days I think,

"Robin Turner, this is your life
for the next 40 years.

No dazzle."

So quit.

-And?
-Do something dazzling.

Hmm.

No, baby.
This is all there is.

I'm sorry, Robin.

Don't touch me.

-Why not?
-I'm fat.

I don't care.

-Well, I do.
-I love you, Robin.

Why?

Oh, because you're crazy,
like me.

Two Looney Tunes.

We're gonna work it out.

-Liza.
-What?

Your hair is shit.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Bell ringing ]

Anyway, nobody listens anymore.

My psychiatrist
doesn't even listen.

Oh, come on. The people
in the hospital listen to you.

Yeah, and that's why
they sent me home.

Too many people
were hearing the truth.

Oh, Martin, you don't belong
in that hospital.

I mean, you belong out here.

You can do things
and be someone out here.

Right in the capital's
jungle land.

[ Mimics monkey ]

[ Bell ringing ]

Excuse me. Hey, would you sort
these socks, Liza, please?

Yeah.

Hey, your liner's smearing.

No, they're turning Chinese.

Confuses some people.

[ Horns honking ]

I don't know, Liza.
I don't know.

But, Martin,
that's what it's all about.

It's about doing something
really big and important

and dazzling.

MARTIN: And I'll be doing
enormous things for now.

Someday, I'm gonna have
100 stories

just for the crazies
all over the world.

But if you don't eat your lunch,
you don't get any din-din.

Do you write about the ovens?

You know, they keep ovens
in the hospital.

LIZA: I know, Martin.
For the lobotomies.

ROBIN: Thank lobotomies.
I detest Ukrainian food.

Oh, God. Perry.

You'll never guess.

-Hi, Liza.
-Hi, Perry.

I have found the solution.

I'm going as a stewardess,
Karen Black, Airport '75.

You'll never get out
of the cockpit, darling.

Well, it's a positive
brainstorm.

See?

Sensible shoes,

tasteful skirt,

not a lot of makeup,

smallish dress and...

stylish but no frills.

Look, everyone goes
to these drag contests,

all glitter and glamour,
but I mean,

how many Zha Zha Gabors
can be in a room at a time?

No one's an individual.

Now, all I really need
is a really good flight bag.

No Air Canada vinyl stuff,
something with class,

like Air France.

Hey, even fake's expensive
these days.

Oh, your liner's going...

-MARTIN: They're real.
-Ow.

-My eyes are real.
-All right, they're real.

A little smudged, but real.

I didn't know
you like rough trade.

-Are you guys going?
-No.

Robin's just dying to do drag,
but he hasn't got the balls.

Get him something nice, honey.

ROBIN: They all look
like Joey Heatherton.

No one is real.

PERRY: Are you telling me
Karen Black isn't real?

I know, Robin. You should get
Tallulah Bankhead to go.

Who?

Tallulah.

Even an oriental prince
should know that name.

Tallulah lives inside Robin.
She's like Elsie.

Do you remember,
she had all those people

who lived inside,
and they used to pop out

and scare people, because
they still looked like Elsie.

Only Tallulah's different
because she's a friend.

Well, never
imprison your friends,

because they can pour acid
on your heart.

Oh, come on, Robin.
Get Tallulah to go.

Just for the one night.

[ Music playing ]

Out of sight.

You get to the Oma-Kama much?

[ Moaning ]

Depends on how cute
the cabbie is on the way.

You trash.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Bell rings ]

Zara Lamanox!

Get back to the other place.

Here, good little girls
take their pills

or no dessert.

You into heavy drugs?

Oh, very. Prescription.

You can get some real bummers
on chemicals, you know.

Mm-hmm.

[ Chuckling ]

No pills, no frills.

Come on.

Hey, did I tell you
about my roomie?

-I forget things sometimes.
-Yeah.

Gays are cool with me.

So long as he doesn't want
a threesome.

Hmm, nah.

Come on.

Ta-dah. Bedlam.

You got a lot of threads, kid.

So do you.
Get rid of 'em.

Oh, we're gonna have
such a good time.

Oh, firm. Nice.

ROBIN: Pink lipstick?
Darling.

Bartolomea,
leave that trip this minute

and bring me blood red.

I haven't got any.

ROBIN: Frosty pink, no less.

Even those fairies at Fox
manage to get me red lips.

Okay. Okay.

I'll catch you later, okay?

ROBIN: I may be small-chested,
but this is ridiculous.

Now, get me the red.

-There, red.
-ROBIN: Oh, thank you.

[ Buzzer buzzes ]

ROBIN: Oh, it's Perry.
Let the wretched stewardess in.

I can't fly this plane alone.
I can't.

I can't.

It's hideous, isn't it?

No, no, no.
It's real cute.

-It's real cute.
-PERRY: I knew it.

Even Karen Black
wasn't pretty in this junk.

I've got to change it all.

I was born to be blond.

Liza, could I wear
some little thing of yours?

Perry, your legs and your thighs
are twice my size.

Any old throwaway thing, Liza.
I'm desperate.

[ Gasps ]
This.

It's perfect.

No, Perry.
That's my best.

This is your best?

Oh, Liza. Please.

-You will stretch it to shreds.
-No, I won't.

If I do, I'll buy you
a new whatever it is.

STEWART: Liza?

Oh, Stewart.
Stewart, this is Perry.

Perry.

Liza.

Well, if you ruin it...

I'll buy you seven of them.

Warned you.
[ Chuckling ]

[ Gasping ]

Oh, my God.

Tallulah lives.

What the...?

[ Chuckling ]

ROBIN: No autographs, darling.
My hands are much too busy.

LIZA: That's my mother's
honeymoon gown.

ROBIN: Wardrobe neglected
to tell me

these were hand-me-downs.

My last picture for Republic.

Now this is more me.

You look like Shelley Winters
hiding behind

Farrah Fawcett-Majors.

Robin, that dress is divine.

Thank you, darling.
You have cab fare?

You kidding?

-ROBIN: Liza?
-Broke. Take the streetcar.

What star ever took a streetcar?

LIZA: Judy Garland.

Clang, clang, clang went the...

Trolley. But that was
on the MGM backlot, darling,

not down St. Claire Avenue.

Let's hoof it, Shell.

Oh, you gonna win
first prize, Robin.

PERRY: It was
ever so meeting you, Stewart.

Can't you see the boy
has a hard-on, for Christ sakes?

Come on.

[ Gasping ]

It's better
the second time, isn't it?

Oh, baby.

I could go all night with you.

[ Chuckling ]

Oh, gee.

Who are you...
you?

-LIZA: What happened?
-ROBIN: Mobbed by fans.

What a ruthless profession.

-LIZA: What is it?
-What the hell?

Oh, just put it
on hold, darling.

[ Chuckling ]

They want me for a club date
locally, wouldn't you know?

LIZA: What?

ROBIN: Well, darling,
emcee a drag show.

LIZA: Do they pay?

Only with applause.

God, the provinces.

Why didn't you play Cheryl?

Oh, I didn't see
there was going to be one.

-On or off, kid?
-Off.

Ordinary tribes again.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, he'll be terrific.

You know what, Liza?

There are a lot of guys,
regular guys,

who would really dig
a chick like you.

Oh, yeah?
What do you mean by "regular"?

Well, dammit.
Why do you live with that?

Because that is my best friend.

STEWART: I'm sorry.

All the shrink's horses
and all the shrink's men

couldn't put Liza back
together again, but Robin, he...

Forget it, baby.
That didn't mean anything.

Get your hands off me.
I'm tired.

Shit.

You know,
I'll never understand it.

What?

I don't know why
all straight guys

turn out to be such
suckholes.

Damn crazy bitch!

You're crazy!

I'm allowed.

Dr. Beddoes said so.

An emcee.

[ Sighing ]

You really were fantastic.

ROBIN: Takes two to, you know.

BILL: Oh, I meant at the ball.

Funniest I've seen.

ROBIN: Thanks.

That girl back there,
ever make it with her?

No. We've got other things
going for us.

-Well?
-What?

[ Sighing ]

BILL: Look, I thought
I had enough money

to get me through
the rest of the week,

and I'm short.

Can you help me out?

What you're really asking
is for me

to pay for it, isn't it?

I made the back page
of The Advocate

a couple of months back.

A celebrity
on my very own couch.

-Well, in that case...
-BILL: Listen...

I don't usually make it
with drag queens at all.

It's not just me,
none of the guys.

ROBIN: Hey, please.
Just take the money.

BILL: Okay, okay.

I thought you knew
how things are.

Does it really matter?

LIZA: Robin?

Robin, are you all right?

Good night, Bill.

-LIZA: Robin?
-ROBIN: Oh, not now, Liza.

LIZA: Have you decided
about the club yet, Robin?

When I was 14,
I looked in the mirror,

and I said, "Admit it, Robin,
you're different."

I learned I could get by
as long as I kept the lid on.

A few years later,
I looked again and said,

"Robin, you're a typical
screaming hairdresser,"

so I put the lid on
a little tighter.

Somehow I got through
all the days

and all the jobs,
never really happy,

but somehow getting by.

And then tonight,
I blew off all the lids,

and out popped this junk.

You know what it's like
when a really good-looking boy

looks at you, and all he sees
is a drag queen?

It's no good, Liza.

Robin, if a caterpillar
was afraid of wings,

it would never
become a butterfly,

and people would
look at it and say,

"Oh, look.
There's a worm on the tree."

But they'd never see it
spinning colors into the air.

You've got to do
the club, Robin.

Why?

Well, the people laugh,
and they don't go crazy.

Presenting the dazzling
Robin Turner.

You're nuts.

Oh, do it, Robin.

Do it for me
and all the crazies.

But it is
a professional engagement.

Saturday is our peak day,

and I will not let you go
flitting off

in the middle of the afternoon,

so you can do
tacky drag at night.

It is not tacky drag.

I do real impressions.

No records, my own voice.

JASON: And your own tits?

Now who's tacky?

All I need is Saturday
afternoon off,

to shop and rehearse
and, you know.

Listen, running a beauty salon
is very serious.

I mean, it's all in the image
of the hairdresser.

Those ladies don't come in here
to have their hair done.

They come in to have
their egos boosted by men.

And if you lose
that straight image,

you lose the clients.

Who wants to be felt up
by faggots?

I can think of two people
in this room who'd love it.

Thank heavens that crazy girl
works as a cover for you,

but a drag queen
working in my shop, never.

Well, maybe I shouldn't
work here at all, then.

Oh, no one would ever know.

I'll be a better worker
if I'm happy.

You know, everybody
in my group tells me

that I'm a sucker
for the sobbers.

Why do I have to feel guilty
about saying no?

Please?

But 2:30?

Why can't you wait till 3:30
or 4:00?

3:00.

JASON: Okay. Okay.

Now, can we get
this place open?

Right, sir.

Good morning.

Mrs. O'Brien, just put on
some fresh coffee for you.

I'll bet.

I got to find some really,
really good stuff.

You know Beddoes.

Oh, I used to think
he had superior intelligence.

But I don't think that anymore.

Yeah, well, he sure can tell
when you're lying.

I mean-- I mean, last time
I couldn't find my journal,

I made up
some really good stuff

about screwing Dracula.

Only, he said he knew
it was phony.

He said phonies get sent back.

Hospital is not that bad.

People listen.

I know.

Stuff about Czars.

No, Robin
changing into Tallulah.

That was real.

Well, they're all real, stupid.

The mouth just went to
the windows,

Beddoes will love it.

I'll even throw him
some good sex.

-Bye.
-Adios.

LIZA: And the jawless ones
stretched liver-red tongues

that lapped at the window pane.

Pain, pain,
screeching in hungry agony.

"Liza, Liza devour us."

And the teeth
were puncture-sharp

and ripping jagged.

They would tear my nipples
into ground meat.

BEDDOES: And what did you do?

Took another Nardil.

You understood the faces
were not real.

Hallucinations.

They come only from you,
and only you can control them.

You'll have to learn how.

Before I forget,
I'm almost out of Nardil

and Valium, too.

BEDDOES:
Nurse Carr has reported

you're living with a man.

Oh?

And that there's a lot of rye
being consumed.

How does she know?

BEDDOES: The garbage.

She spies on my garbage?

It's for your own protection,
Liza.

Well, the rye is Martin's.

I mean, he comes over to talk,
and he's always cold.

BEDDOES: And the man?

Robin's just a roommate,
that's all.

BEDDOES: Does he have
other girlfriends?

LIZA: No.

Boyfriends.

Do you know what rents
are these days?

I have to have a roommate.

You know, Liza,

they've opened the new wing
at Morningside.

It-- it's sunny and clean.

They're using new therapies.

No, no. I'm doing fine.
I'm doing great.

I'll do whatever you say.
I'm fine. I'm fine.

BEDDOES:
You have to be very careful.

Pregnancy is unthinkable
in your condition.

No. Robin and I sleep--
sleep in different worlds.

Well, I don't like
the situation at all.

But, all right, we'll go give it
a bit more time.

But you must stay
on the birth control pills.

And the Nardil?

I'll phone the drug store.

Thank you.

[ Cash register chimes ]

Beddoes wants me to go back
into Morningside.

He says I'll always be schizo.

First, there was Joan Crawford
in Possessed,

then Joanne Woodward
in The Three Faces of Eve,

and now Liza Connor
in Schizo Forever.

LIZA: But, Robin, maybe
I wouldn't hallucinate so much

if I was back in the hospital.

Hmm. There are three
important things in life,

sex, movies, and my career.

You should think
almost entirely of them

and never about yourself.

Liza's brain
runs round and round,

Liza's head is full of sounds.

Liza's the one born dead,

Liza's the one
without any head.

Step up, kid.

How's this?

What are you doing?

It's for my opening.

The club manager is the...
Bette Davis freak.

LIZA: Oh, Robin,
you're gonna do it!

Took me hours
to find her record.

LIZA: You're gonna need
a dress, a really good dress.

You bet.
Isn't it lucky they taught you

sewing at the nutty bin?

LIZA: Oh, Robin.
My old machine!

Now, I want something smart
and sensible by Saturday.

[ Music playing ]

WOMAN: ♪ Step out

♪ There's a world
you've never seen ♪

♪ Step out

♪ Ain't no good
living in between ♪

♪ Call out the stranger
living inside ♪

♪ There ain't no danger

♪ You got to step out

♪ Oh, you can set the world
on fire ♪

♪ You can set the world
on fire ♪

♪ You can set the world
on fire ♪

♪ If you try

♪ It's easy

♪ Easy

♪ Easy, oh

♪ You got to set...

Terrible old line.

I thought I had
some good stuff here.

This is crap.

Did you see some
of those guys in the theater?

Oh, wow.

WOMAN:
♪ ...all the time

♪ Step out

♪ Step out. Step out.
Step out ♪

♪ Till you shine

♪ Just step out

♪ Ow, come on and just...

I don't know what to say.

WOMAN:
♪ Just try it

♪ Step out

♪ It's another thing
if you step out ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

ROBIN: What am I gonna say?

It's too late.

You're gonna say that,
to me,

Ms. Montego Bay
is the hottest piece in town.

Now, move that white ass, honey.

Right on.

[ Applause ]

Anita Bryant sent me down here
to beat some sense

into you frozen fruits.

[ Laughing ]

[ Applause ]

MAN: Start squeezing, momma.

[ Laughing and applause ]

ROBIN: Oh, what a dump.

[ Laughing ]

Speaking of Joan Crawford.

Joan and I
were reminiscing recently

and I reminded her
of all the times

that she had been evil,
capital E, evil,

in her pictures.

Her very moving pictures.

You remember, Mildred Pierce,

she played a waitress,

but she couldn't wait
to beat up Ann Blyth

because she was stealing
her boyfriend, Zachary Scott.

Well, Joan gave her
the shoulders

and the full treatment.

Vida, you little tramp.
[ Slap ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

ROBIN:
Then, of course, years later,

she graduated to a typist

who couldn't type,
because she was going out

with an outpatient.

Where else would you go
with an outpatient?

And one day he picked up
her typewriter

and smashed her hand.

She took her one good hand

and got Vera Miles
right on the cheek.

[ Laughing ]

Why, you little slut.
[ Slap ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I finally got her
where I want her.

[ Laughing ]

Come on, Blanche.

Let's go for a walk.

[ Laughter and applause ]

"Oh, Jane.
You wouldn't treat me so cruel

if I weren't in a wheelchair."

[ Laughing ]

But you are.

[ Cheers and applause ]

ROBIN: Now, enough nostalgia.

I'd like to present
a little Christmas cheer,

Mr. Jackie Loren.

LIZA: Oh, Robin,
you dazzled them!

Please,
I detest cheap sentiment.

[ Music playing ]

♪ Cold and frosty
winter nights ♪

♪ Cast a spell
of sheer delight ♪

♪ Children are waiting

♪ Soon it will Christmas

♪ Peace and love
are in the air ♪

♪ Happiness for all to share

♪ Children are waiting

♪ Soon it will be Christmas

♪ If we could only keep
that special feeling ♪

♪ Through the year

♪ Then every single day

♪ Would be a lot

♪ Like Christmas

♪ Children sing
and church bells chime ♪

♪ Telling us it's almost time

♪ Everyone's waiting

♪ Soon it will be Christmas

[ Music playing ]

JACKIE: ♪ Peace and love
are in the air ♪

♪ Happiness for all to share

♪ Children are waiting

♪ Soon it will be Christmas

♪ If we could only keep
that special feeling ♪

♪ Through the year

♪ Then every single day

♪ Would be a lot

♪ Like Christmas

♪ Children sing
and church bells chime ♪

♪ Telling us it's almost time

♪ Everyone's waiting

♪ Soon it will be Christmas

♪ Soon it will be Christmas

[ Indistinct chatter ]

More gin,
and a plate of food, please.

Drags are the worst.

Hmm.

She used to write pretty well
when we were in school.

I wonder if
she's still writing.

WOMAN: I don't know.

Who is that?

That's Jo,
she's a magazine editor.

She was the most popular girl
in my graduating class.

-MARTIN: The other one?
-LIZA: Oh, Anne.

I bet she's a revolutionary.

She's even built
like a revolutionary.

LIZA: Anne's gay, Martin.

It figures.

But Jo-- but Jo is straight,
and she'd really love you.

-Because she was sent away.
-Sure.

MAN: Then, why don't they
pay him if he's such dynamite,

you know, 20 bucks a show?

MAN: In Canada,
we perform for love.

The gay clubs in this town
don't make enough money.

No one gets paid for doing drag.

Yeah. Well being gay
is one thing, but doing drag.

Oh.

MAN: Sugar, he wants to liberate
the denim fags and lock up

the satin queen.

Not now... maybe we can go
for a drive later.

Cab driver, a Yellow Cab,

the night before that,
she was with a Metro Cab.

JO: Did you wanna be a girl
when you were little?

ROBIN: Oh, it was so tragic,

having to wear mommy's bra
to school.

[ Music playing ]

JO: But who's the real
Robin Turner?

ROBIN: Maybe there are a lot
of Robin Turners.

Maybe I'm a plural person.

That doesn't make any sense.

Making sense is Jo, Jo, darling.

[ Music playing ]

ROBIN: Thank you darling.

Liza, empty glasses.

[ Music playing ]

ROBIN: Have you seen
my record collection?

Come here, have a look.

This guy bribed a
former Miss Most Fabulous One.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Oh, if that's
Dino De Laurentiis,

tell him I'm not speaking
to him, and he knows why.

[ Phone ringing ]

Hello?

Oh, Mother.

Well, Merry Christmas, Mother.

No, Mother,
I know what day it is.

Merry Christmas Eve, I meant.

No, I'm sure Beddoes
didn't mean it like that.

No, I am not having
more hallucinations.

Look, I don't care if they take
Mediterranean cruises.

I am not going back to any
hospital ever again, Mother.

Well, you can tell Daddy
to shove it.

Your Christmas card's
in the mail.

Good night!

[ Music playing ]

MAN: Oh, never wear your
telephone numbers on your wrist.

What?

You could get a reputation.

What's wrong, baby?

I guess I'm just a little tired.

Maybe I'll have a little nibble
of something.

JO: Haven't you eaten
anything yet?

No, I don't think so.

You mean,
Robin let you serve everybody,

and didn't let yourself to eat?

I wasn't hungry before.

He's such a man.

I'll see what I can find.

ROBIN: Little Maywith
is not a man.

She's just a very tough woman.

-No offense.
-ANNE: You faggot.

-I'm working on it.
-ANNE: Okay, okay.

Cut the Shirley Temple act,
will you,

it might go down with Liza,
but it don't with me.

What?

While you've been out there
swishing and drinking,

she's been working
like some damn slave,

and she hasn't even had time
to eat for herself.

-JO: She is very thin, Robin.
-Anne, Jo, please.

ROBIN: I didn't know
she hasn't eaten.

JO: Oh, there's not a thing,
not even soup.

Well, I'll go out
for something, then.

You are a sick, power hungry,

egotistical fag,

and you need someone
to push around.

So, around comes Liza,
someone who is disturbed,

someone who can't complain
no matter what you do to her.

JO: Because she loves you.

ANNE:
You think she loves you.

She is sick,
and you, you use her.

[ Music playing ]

Don't coddle him,
it's bad for both of you.

-Liza.
-Don't do that.

No one can do that.

Robin.

Robin, please don't shut me
out here with them.

[ Music playing ]

Do I take advantage of you?

No.

I wanted this party to be
so happy,

and now it's like
Valley of the Dolls.

The only true thing
that they said out there

was that I love you.

[ Sobs ]

[ Music playing ]

JASON: All right,
what are you up to?

ROBIN: Oh,
I just came in a little early,

do all the girls
for the big Easter show.

Peggy, Tallulah, Betty.

Peggy O'Brien's son is gay.

Whoopee.

She caught him doing
the telephone man in the study.

He told her everything.

Liberation comes to Thorncliffe.

You know, he even told
her about that nifty club

he goes to, where some
of the men dress up like women.

Men she knows...

You're fired.

Way to bet--

are we mother-- what?

Oh, hey, sorry, I'm sorry,
yeah, right.

Thanks very much, bye.

[ Laughs ]

-Announcement.
-LIZA: Huh?

-What?
-Jason Tinsley's pubic hair.

You're fired?

ROBIN: Mm-hmm.

If I wanna work in this town,
I got to stop the drag.

Oh, well,
now my announcement.

I'm not the one born dead.

Robin, I'm pregnant.

ROBIN: You're kidding.

No.

I figure fuzzy bear,
Yellow Cab, I think.

Have you told him?

Why? This is my baby.

You're gonna have it?

Yup, right after New Year's.

Proves I'm alive.
They can never get me now.

Babies are expensive.

Yeah, I know,
but we'll work it out.

We'll work it out.
I know we will.

BEDDOES:
But the birth control pills.

I take so many pills,
I get confused.

The abortion's gonna be
very hard in your system.

I'm not having an abortion,
I'm having a baby.

Liza, you cannot have a baby.

All the pills you have to take,
you're not strong enough.

LIZA: I am, too,
I'm strong and alive,

just like everybody else.

But a pregnancy
could unbalance you.

You'll be back at Morningside
in no time.

Oh, no, I won't.

They don't take expectant
mothers in the locked wards.

[ Music playing ]

They're just my bills.

[ Music playing ]

LIZA: Robin.

Don't worry. If we lose them,
they'll send us some more.

[ Music playing ]

MARTIN: Come on, Liza,

I've seen other pregnant women
on the beach.

Nobody cares.

And I'm sick of going alone
all the time.

Martin, I just have
too much to do.

Well, it's the good story?

A little premature.
Robin triumphs?

It'll happen!

But, it's back-to-school
weather again and a year,

still nothing.

I'll write another letter
to Santa.

[ Music playing ]

This time, I have it.

I really have it.

Karen Black,

as she was in Nashville.

Well, cross your eyes
and hope to die.

Robin, she is an actress.

Oh, why don't you just skip
the ball,

and do a number
at the club this year.

Hey.

But what I can I do?

Whatever Robin tells you to do.

Can I wear red?

No. Only black and white.

Oh, would you show me
a few dance steps?

Honey, when I'm through
with you,

I'll have you moving
over the entire floor.

-Hey.
-Hi, boys.

You looking for a good time?

Wow.

A little prissy, but it's you.

[ Laughing ]

No, what I want to tell you was,

I got this... I went
to a Hadassah bazaar, actually.

And I picked up
this big machine,

what do you call it?
A Moviola.

And we cut the picture myself,
because that way,

we get a woman's point of view,
you know, this woman.

-[ Laughing ]
-And, um.

Actually,
I had a very good dialogue

with Kristofferson
through the whole picture.

If you recall,
every time he says,

"Watch closely now."

I'd say, "Cut!"

And speaking of stars,

it's really nice
being born a star.

Yes.

[ Cheers and applause ]

ROBIN: And now, where am I?

And our next--
speaking of stars,

our next performer
isn't one, but--

[ Laughing ]

no, but I know with your help,
and my coaching,

we can really do it.

Clear the way, boys, come on.
Clear the way.

And let's bring out
Sister Perry.

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ Music playing ]

PERRY: ♪ Ave...

♪ Maria

♪ Gratia plena

♪ Maria

♪ Gratia plena

♪ Maria

♪ Gratia plena

♪ Ave

♪ Ave Dominus

MAN: ♪ You should
see her partner ♪

♪ She's a one star
studio queen ♪

♪ She can turn out

♪ And take out
the speed of light ♪

♪ She can walk away on heels
at ease ♪

♪ She can walk away on heels
at ease ♪

[ Music playing ]

WOMAN: ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

MARTIN: But you were
sensational tonight.

I tell you, you're ready
for your big break.

How much do they pay?

MARTIN: Listen, fella,

performers don't get paid
in New York,

not until they're stars.

Oh, Robin's a star.

But he's got to prove it
where it counts.

Look, the Jackrabbit
is a fantastic showcase

for new talent,

you could get spotted
by really big people there.

LIZA: I can give you
two months to make it.

Wouldn't you come?

You know what it cost
to have a baby in the States?

I'll get a club date here,
a high paying one.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let's just see
what makes it in Toronto.

Oh, here's Andy
and his Bavarian accordion

at the Sheraton.

Maybe he'll get sick.

Oh, and here's Anne Murray,

coming to the Gardens,

maybe we'll get sick.

Look, the straight clubs
in this town just aren't ready.

Besides, no Canadian act
makes it here

without the US seal of approval.

You're gonna have to go down
to the States some time, Robin.

I mean-- I mean,
look at Gordon Lightfoot.

Monty Hall.

You've got no choice.

Well, I'd have to start singing.

I'd want piano and drums.

The Jackrabbit's got them,
what else can you do?

Apply for a Canada
Council grant.

LIZA: Wow.

I mean, you're ready.

ROBIN: Oh, gosh.

LIZA: Oh, I'm so excited,
I wish we were going.

ROBIN: Chinese communists
are living right here.

LIZA: Oh, well,
he's got to make it, real big.

ROBIN:
I don't mind, a lot bigger.

Hey, this is it.

I hate good-byes.

Take good care of her.

LIZA: Bye.
Hey, be dazzling, okay?

-ROBIN: I love you.
-LIZA: Yeah?

[ Horn honking ]

[ Bells ringing ]

Oh, Martin, take me home.

This is no place for seeing
the Bonecrusher.

[ Engines rumbling ]

ROBIN: ♪ Give my
regards to Broadway ♪

♪ Remember me
to Herald Square ♪

♪ Tell all the boys
in 42nd Street ♪

♪ That I will soon be there

MAN: Oh, no, you won't, fella.

You're gonna be
on 10th Avenue,

the real street
of broken dreams.

ROBIN: Oh,
listen, mighty mouth,

Streisand opened
on the other side of the river,

at least, I'm opening
in Manhattan.

MAN: Yeah.
At the Jackrabbit club.

ROBIN:
What do you know about it?

MAN: I know lots about it.

I'm an out-of-work agent.

Got your own car
and everything, huh?

Listen, I was the best junior
William Morris ever had.

All they ever talk about
was packages, packages.

I thought
I was in Bloomingdales.

So, I got bored and quit.

Just doing this
between careers.

Oh.

[ Horn honking ]

[ Engine rumbling ]

[ Siren wailing ]

ROBIN: Oh, my God,
The Great White Way?

You're a drag, huh?

ROBIN: No,
I just like to travel heavy.

Hey, can you help me out
with this stuff?

Hey, this is New York, fella.

Oh.

I can't make an entrance solo.
Come on.

Spend a few minutes with a star.

Yeah, what's in it for me?

ROBIN: I'll make you
my New York agent.

That's 10% of nothing.

What else?

Oh, I don't negotiate
on the streets, c'est brunch.

Not bad.

Maybe I could pick up
my afternoon trick in there.

Isn't anybody straight anymore?

Sure.

My father in Montana.

[ Laughing ]

[ Music playing ]

MAN: Why don't you give me
a chance, man?

I had an act that killed
'em dead in Detroit.

I'll bet it was a pip.

Oh, in the back honey,
in the back.

[ Music playing ]

Communique... from China.

They say I'm being very helpful

in China's
Russia border dispute.

Did Robin change trains
in Buffalo?

I wanna get the facts straight.

They need me to replace
Mao,

I'm gonna put all the Chinese
in concentration camps.

Mao didn't like the Chinese.

He was baptized a Catholic
by the missionaries.

Are you gonna write
about my concentration camps?

Oh, maybe I should go back
into the hospital.

Nonsense, you belong out here.

It's really cold in Buffalo,
isn't it?

Nobody listens!

I was so listening, Martin.

Look, I can write,
and I can listen,

I can have a baby all at once,
okay?

Now, just how in the heck
do you think you're gonna

get those Chinese
into camps anyhow, huh?

They'll be huge gardens
with flowers and everything man,

I'll advertise in the capital,
it'll be on display inside,

and the Chinese can come
punch you in the eardrums

with chopsticks.

Martin,
have you ever read any Chi?

No.

With the Chinese in camps
and the Russians in camps,

there won't be a border dispute,

and I oughta put the capitalists
in there, too, man,

I'm gonna be the biggest enemy
of capitalism in history.

There are a lot of capitalists
in Buffalo.

Yeah. Well that's
why it's always on fire.

[ Music playing ]

Jimmy wants to know
what you want.

Oh, just tell him a quick intro.

A loud drumroll.

Okay.

The spot right on the door.

Right on the door?

[ Music playing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Here's looking at you,
Alonzo.

[ Music playing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Gents and pansies,

kings and queens,

soldiers and seafood,

we have a new
performer in tonight,

all the way from Toronto.

I love Upstate New York.

[ Laughter ]

I was in Toronto once,

the only female impersonator

they had at the time
was a woman.

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, here he is,
Toronto's favorite man

about town, Mr. Robin Turner.

[ Cheers and applause ]

MAN: All right.

Oh, save your hands, boys.

You might need them later.

Oh, I feel like
a million tonight.

Oh, one at a time.

Ooh, if I'd known
you were gonna be here,

I would've worn a leather boa.

[ Laughing ]

Hmm, who's this?
Your lover?

Try it, you'll like it.

I don't care how big they are,
there's just too many...

MAN: Oh, yeah?

What would you know
about it, Mae?

Well, the secret
of my success...

Oh...

...is not the men
you see me with,

it's the men
you didn't see me with.

Hit it, boys.

MAN: One, two, three, four.

[ Music playing ]

♪ Frankie and Johnny
were lovers ♪

♪ Lord God,
how they could love ♪

♪ Swore to be true
to each other ♪

♪ And, boy,
they fit like a glove ♪

♪ He was his man

♪ But he was doing him wrong

♪ Oh, Frankie and Johnny
went dancing ♪

♪ They love to disco
and cruise ♪

♪ Don't take your man
to a disco, baby ♪

♪ If you're gonna want
him loose ♪

♪ Hold on to your guns

♪ I'm gonna put you on...

♪ One night Frankie
did a boogie ♪

♪ Like swinging on
a number of tunes ♪

♪ Johnny saw
the whole thing happen ♪

♪ He said,
"Frankie, you, too" ♪

♪ You got to boogie man

♪ Oh, then they started
to quarrel ♪

♪ Oh, and out came
the boots and the whips ♪

♪ After they fought
and loved so hard ♪

♪ Johnny crushed
Frankie's hips ♪

♪ They had their fight

♪ And then they loved
all night ♪

♪ Oh, oh,
this story has no moral ♪

♪ This poem has no rhyme

♪ My message here is simple

♪ I give 'em
a toot-a-toot-toot ♪

♪ Don't do him wrong

♪ Ooh, Lord

[ Cheers and applause ]

But I don't know where he is.

Did he ever get violent
with you?

Oh, Martin's very gentle.

I mean, if he's done
anything wrong,

you can blame Mao Tse-tung.

MRS. CONNORS: She makes up
foreign names sometimes,

she invented
a whole language once,

she's a very sick girl.

Well, you can't stay here
because he might come back.

Martin would never hurt me.

CARR: Liza, he just
wounded a man with a knife.

Maybe you'd better come
home with us, dear.

-I'll speak to your father.
-No. No.

Did Martin have
any favorite hangouts?

Yeah. Morningside nuthouse.

You should cooperate with me,
young lady.

That boy has got to be caught
and locked up.

Why does everybody always
wanna lock everybody else up?

I mean-- I mean
who's insane anyhow?

MRS. CONNORS:
Let's get your overnight bag.

No. No. Mother,
I got a lot of places to go,

and I got a lot of friends.

Will they hurt Martin?

How do you do your tits
like that?

Well, I generally have
someone do them for me.

I bet you had an injection.

Oh, little injections
ain't my style.

Hey, are you really his agent?

I've had to shape
his act for years.

So, you guys, wanna come
to my house and play?

All three of us?

Look, I just don't want you
to make an intelligent choice.

Okay. You're on.

I'll be right back.

-Hey. Jimmy.
-Oh.

He's gonna charge
a cover at the door

and we could--
we're gonna split it,

it should bring
in 50 or 75 for you.

And there's a room upstairs,
you get it.

-The private suite?
-Of course.

Hmm, is it equipped?

Fully.

Yum-yum.

Hmm, bon appetit.

I really hope you're gonna
be happy here.

How can things this old
be this clean?

Liza, would you let me read
some of your stories?

But they're just for crazies.

I know, but I'm a good editor,
and I know a bit about people.

Maybe I could help you
get started.

You mean, you think
I can sell them? For money?

We'll see, okay?

Okay.

Baby,

a real live, normal,
genius baby.

Zara?

Zara, you promised not
to follow me here anymore.

Oh, yes,
I still love you, too, but...

No, no.

You can't start going
through those,

not here, no.

You got to go away
for good now, Zara, you got to.

Zara, I live in a real house
and everything,

don't you understand?

No. No.

No jokes, I, I'm not--
I'm not gonna laugh.

I'm not going to,
I'm--

Zara, I'm normal now.

I'm normal, and you can't stay
here anymore.

Please, Zara,
you've got to go away.

I knew you would understand,
Zara, I knew you would.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you
until my baby comes.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

No. No move, over to the left.

Yeah. Sorry, darling.

Non-union stagehands.

You saved that much
already in a month?

My agent assures me he'd
get me a club date uptown.

I'll get the money
together yet, kid.

Christmas lights?

Jimmy, I am a star,
but not a Star of Bethlehem.

I'll have you know I got these

from Carol Channing's
personal wardrobe.

Hey, listen, hurry up
and drop the kid,

and then get down here.

Love you. Bye.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

Just four more weeks.

Plenty of time to work
on the story.

How much do you think
I'd get for it?

It's good, it's really good.

Only these incomplete
sentences like,

"She had to erupt
the truth from his brain,"

she said, "Dot, dot, dot."

She said what?

Whatever you like.

But that's not how
you write a story.

It's reader participation.

Everybody knows the truth,

their own truth,
you just fill it in.

Whoops, time for the belly man.

JO: You mean the gynecologist?

Right. Look, why don't you
just fix it all yourself.

I really need the money
for New York,

and I'd really appreciate it
and-- well, you know, bye.

[ Door closing ]

-[ Sirens blaring ]
-[ Metallic rattling ]

You're taking it?

Mm-hmm.
It's within my budget.

Robin, this neighborhood,
it's Freak City.

Well, I want Liza
to feel at home.

Get him out of here.

Get him out.

Liza, please don't-- lay down.

He's hurting my baby.

You're not making any sense.

Doctor, doctor, hurry up.
I know what to do.

You can't have my baby.
You can't have my baby.

You can't have him.

I got a responsibility,
but I'm not a nurse.

That doesn't make him go away.

It will stop the hallucinations.

But it doesn't work,
it only makes me weak.

He's right there!

Push him off my belly.

-BOB: Robin, Robin, I did it.
-At this hour?

Listen to me,
you're not gonna believe this.

It started out so silly.

Every Thursday night,
in this backroom bar,

me and this super hunk
kept getting it off,

except, he was always
so detached,

he never spoke, you know,
the type, it was just sex.

Only that?

BOB: By the third night,
I got tired of the routine,

and I asked him to come up
to my place...

No answer.

So, I said I had some
Colombian grass,

he still wouldn't talk,
so I got mad.

"No one's that gorgeous,"
I said.

So you know what he said?

ROBIN: What?

Oh, no.

He was a deaf-mute,
for Christ's sake.

Good to know you're
an equal opportunity slut.

Anyway, then I met his uncle.

I've never heard
of a sugar uncle.

BOB: Anyway, Uncle Ziggy
runs Ziggy's Cabaret uptown.

And he has try-out nights
for new acts.

ROBIN: Yeah?

BOB: And thanks to me,
next Monday night, you're it.

ROBIN: Oh.

BOB: Now the crowd's not huge,

and all you get
is a plain stage,

the house band and a mic,
but if they like you,

I can get you Mondays regular
for a month.

You know, all these years
I thought it was the star

who got to whore her way
to the top.

I think it's about time you got
some new material into your act.

How about chiffon?

Robin, aren't you excited?

I'm terrified!

Class cost.

WOMAN: Dr. Chatsworth,

Dr. Chatsworth.

BOB: Will you calm down?

ROBIN: How much
time have I got?

BOB: You've got 10 minutes.

Jeez, okay. I'm gonna flop.

Have you seen
that crowd out there?

Not just straight,
dead, maybe.

Robin, even the Waldorf
isn't straight.

Depends on
which john you use, slut.

[ Chuckling ]

Thanks for staying, Anne.

Sure.

Sure.

[ Moaning ]

I think this is it.

Okay. Okay. Nurse?

[ Indistinct chatter ]

[ Drum rolling ]

[ Music playing ]

♪ A kiss on the hand

♪ May be quite continental

♪ But diamonds
are a girl's best friend ♪

♪ A kiss may be grand

♪ But it won't pay the rental

♪ On your humble flat

♪ Or help you at the automat

You know, we've been singing
that song for 25 years now,

and it's almost perfect.

[ Laughing ]

Right now I've decided
to take a new role,

a new characterization,

a new wig, and everything,

I've accepted the title role

in Who's Afraid
of Virginia Woolf?

We're opening at the Owensboro
Drive-in Dinner Theatre.

Well, recently, I attended
a cattle-call audition

in New York City,
and they were auditioning girls,

you see, to find out who'd be
my replacement as Lorelei Lee.

Well, some of the greatest
people showed up,

and my favorite of all
was Marlene Dietrack-- trich.

It's the best act
you've ever had.

♪ But square-cut
or pear-shaped ♪

♪ These rocks don't lose
their shape ♪

♪ Diamonds are a girl's
best friend ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

I don't think this song
is right for me.

Smash his camera.

Hi, Ethel Merman here.

I just love tunes,
I'll sing them all.

I hope you like the lyrics

because you're sure
gonna hear 'em.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Indistinct singing ]

♪ Diamonds
are a girl's best friend ♪

[ Applause ]

Let's try Ella Fitzgerald.
She's a good singer.

[ Scat singing ]

♪ Diamonds
are a girl's best friend ♪

Oh, whoa, honey...
Pearly Mae here.

How are you doing?
That was good, Ella.

Nice, mm-hmm.

But I-- You know, I tell you,
I know a lot about men and rocks

and a lot about saving
Carol Channing's vehicles.

So we'll get it to run
another year.

Come on,
just take it easy, boys.

♪ Awful nice, mmm

♪ But get that ice
or else no dice ♪

♪ Stash those rocks

♪ Mmm, in your strongbox

♪ For on them
you can always depend ♪

I don't need this job,

I do not need this job.

Let's try Ms. Bette Midler.

[ Applause ]

♪ I made a splash
down at the Continental ♪

♪ Where shemales are
a girl's best friend ♪

♪ I just love the strength

♪ But they won't pay
the rental ♪

♪ On my trashy dress

♪ Or help me
with this kinky mess ♪

[ Indistinct singing ]

♪ You can always depend

♪ Really, Murray?

♪ Gay liberation
was my own salvation ♪

♪ Divas
are a girl's best friend ♪

[ Scat singing ]

♪ Divas are a...

♪ Girl's best friend

[ Cheers and applause ]

ROBIN [as Carol Channing]:
No, stop, really,

there's only one Lorelei,

and that's me,
and this is the way

the song should
be done forever.

Pencils poised?

[ Applause ]

♪ Time rolls on

♪ And youth is gone

♪ And you can't straighten up
when you bend ♪

♪ But stiff back
or stiff knees ♪

♪ You stand straight
at Tiffany's ♪

♪ Diamonds
are a girl's best friend ♪

♪ I don't mean rhinestones

♪ Diamonds, diamonds

♪ Diamonds, diamonds

♪ Diamonds
are a girl's best friend ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

They're going bananas
for you out there.

-You got to do an encore.
-Oh, I don't know anything more.

I've done everything I know.

You got to do one. Peggy.

No. Jules?

Judy, you haven't done Judy.

Oh, Judy, okay.

Here we go. I'll sing 'em all,
and we'll stay all night.

[ Music playing ]

♪ Did you ever see
two buddies ♪

♪ Part upon a foreign land

♪ When the airplane's
just about to start ♪

♪ For old New York as planned

♪ With a tear-dimmed eye
one waves good-bye ♪

♪ They're friends
without a doubt ♪

♪ And as I
sought a way ♪

♪ I heard her say

♪ As the jets roar out

♪ Give my regards to Broadway

♪ Remember me to
Herald Square ♪

♪ Tell all the gang
at 42nd Street ♪

♪ That I will soon be there

♪ Whisper of how I'm yearning

♪ To mingle
with the old-time throng ♪

♪ Give my regards
to old Broadway ♪

♪ And tell them
I'll be there 'ere long ♪

♪ Whisper of how I'm yearning

♪ To mingle
with the old-time throng ♪

♪ Give my regards
to old Broadway ♪

♪ And tell them I'll be there

♪ I'll be there

♪ I'll be there, 'ere long

[ Cheers and applause ]

You've got to be kidding!

Do you have any idea
what our overhead is?

This figure just isn't enough,
and I don't care

if we are only playing
one night a week.

Now, you talk to me about money,
you name me some figures.

All right. All right.
How about another $75?

Okay. That's cool, but it's
not an exclusive contract.

We get to play downtown

at the Jackrabbit Club
on weekends.

All right. Yes.
Now, just sign it.

No, no, wait a minute.

There's this clause
about costumes and music --

Goddammit.

Okay, good, next Monday.

Now, I wanna see the exact
same show that I saw tonight.

-We'll see.
-No improvising.

-We made it.
-We made it.

[ Laughing ]

Well, is it a boy or a girl
or won't say?

The baby was born dead.

I'm dead inside, Robin.

The Bonecrusher has conquered.

That's not true, Liza.

You see what you've done
to my little girl

and your wild life?

I'm gonna lose
my baby again,

she's got to go back
to Morningside,

and it's your fault,
Robin Turner.

It wasn't his fault.

Well, it was
somebody's fault.

Come on, Bob, drive.

Where to?

Canada.

[ Car engine revving ]

So if you need anything,
you just shout or drop a book,

and I'll be there, okay?

Hey, they can't force you
into Morningside,

not if you're acting healthy,
you know?

They got Martin.

Now me, for all times.

Liza.

[ Knocking ]

Come in.

Anne, I've come for Liza.

Please don't give me
any trouble.

Okay. But hurry up
before Jo comes in.

ROBIN: Okay.
I even got you a new cab driver.

A New York one,
a gay one, thank God.

Dada's got a show to do now.
We need some new dresses.

Careful.

Oh, bye, Anne, thanks.

Good-bye, Robin.

Bye, Liza.

And with Ziggy's on Mondays
and the Jackrabbit on weekends,

we got money, money, money.

Oh, Liza's sew drawers
were worse.

Here, you're all unpacked.

You're home.

Come on, say "home" for dada.

You're home.

BOB:
Robin, are you sure

this is the right
place for her?

There are no right places
for people like Liza.

Come on, baby. Showtime.

I'm dead.

You're not dead, but you're
getting pretty boring.

BOB:
Who are you doing tonight?

Someone new
for Miss Living Dead.

BOB: You're taking her
to the Jackrabbit?

No, you are.

And these and this,
see if you can get her

to scribble something in it.

-And dress her up a little.
-Me?

Pretend she's a guy,
make her pretty.

Robin, dammit.

You are nuts.

ROBIN: Big news.

[ Music playing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Sometimes I'm happy

♪ Peaceful, and free

♪ Nothing
and nobody's bothering me ♪

♪ But sometimes,
I see the devil at my door ♪

♪ Seems no one can help me

♪ To find you again,
my friend ♪

♪ Sometimes I'm winning

♪ Round after round

♪ Guys come up aces...

♪ But sometimes she
just looks the other way ♪

♪ I'm no good at laughing

♪ Can you save me again?

♪ It ain't easy

♪ In this crazy world

♪ I could never make it

♪ Without you

♪ We love each other

♪ In our crazy way

♪ Who knows when they'll come

♪ To take us away

♪ Oh, but today

♪ Feeling so gay

[ Cheers and applause ]

WOMAN: ♪ Easy, easy does it

♪ You got to step out

[ Cheers and applause ]

Fantastic.

WOMAN: ♪ Step out, there's
a world you've never seen ♪

♪ Step out, ain't no
good living in between ♪

♪ Call out the stranger
living inside ♪

♪ There ain't no danger,
you got to step out ♪

♪ Oh, you can set
the world on fire ♪

♪ Oh, you can set
the world on fire ♪

♪ You can set the world
on fire if you try ♪

♪ It's easy, easy

♪ Easy does it

♪ You got to step out

♪ Come on,
come on and step out ♪

♪ Come on, you got to step
on out, just try ♪

♪ Step out, step out

♪ Step out, step out

♪ Just try to step out

♪ Come on and come on,
and step out ♪

Autographs? Sure.

Got any Valium
in there, chicky?

I hope you liked my song.

I do my best, I try.

The Bonecrusher, he's not here.

He'll show up,
everybody gets here eventually.

But I'm in his domain.

I'm dead inside.

You are not dead.

You're alive and sick
and living in New York,

like eight million other people.

Listen, you're Liza,

you're not Jo,
you're not your mother,

you're not any
of the people

the doctors wanted
to make you into.

You'll never be normal,

but you're special,

and you can have a hell
of a good time.

You know,

there's only one thing:

you're mad as a hatter,
darling.

[ Laughing ]

But that's all right,
because so am I.

So am I.

I've never known
anyone worth knowing

who wasn't a positive fruitcake.

We're all mad.

You and me are here to love
and look after each other.

You're not dead.

You just have a healthy case
of craziness.

-Craziness?
-Yes, make it work for you.

Mad.

Mad, darling.

-Mad.
-Mad.

-Mad.
-Mad.

Mad.

[ Laughing ]

-Mad.
-Mad.

[ Laughing ]

You got it, mad.

-Mad.
-Mad.

-Mad.
-Mad.

Mad.

[ Music playing ]

WOMAN: ♪ Step out,
got to let your mind run free ♪

♪ Step out, got to be
what you got to be ♪

♪ Call out the stranger
living inside ♪

♪ There ain't no danger,
you got to step out ♪

♪ Step out, there's a world
you've never seen ♪

♪ Step out, ain't no good
living in between ♪

♪ Call out the stranger
living inside ♪

♪ There ain't no danger,
you got to step out ♪

♪ You can set
the world on fire ♪

♪ You can set
the world on fire ♪

♪ You can set the world
on fire if you try ♪

♪ It's easy, easy

♪ Easy does it

♪ You got to step out

♪ Step out, there's a world
you've never seen ♪

♪ Step out, ain't no good
living in between ♪

♪ Call out the stranger
living inside ♪

♪ There ain't no danger,
you got to step out ♪

♪ Oh, you can set
the world on fire ♪

♪ You can set
the world on fire ♪

♪ You can set the world
on fire if you try ♪

♪ It's easy, easy

♪ Easy does it

♪ You got to step out