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{\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪
2
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,307
{\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪
3
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:19,436
{\an8}♪ But this is one thing
I'm sure of ♪
4
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:23,064
{\an8}♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
5
00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:25,817
{\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
6
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:36,745
B7.
7
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,413
- Miss.
- Again?
8
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:40,915
- Yup.
- Jesus, that's eight misses.
9
00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:43,043
Yes, it is.
10
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,127
Did you put your ships in?
11
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,211
No, I did not.
12
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:46,254
What the fuck, dude?
13
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:47,630
While you were militarizing,
14
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,924
I allocated my funds
toward infrastructure--
15
00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:52,427
roads and bridges,
schools and hospitals, John.
16
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:53,636
The needs of my people.
17
00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:54,804
That's not
how the game works.
18
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,806
It's not a game,
you son of a bitch!
19
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,266
Jesus, OK.
20
00:00:58,266 --> 00:01:01,019
Sorry, I think I've been
watching too much "M.A.S.H."
21
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,104
Boys, come upstairs.
22
00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:05,231
It's cookie-frosting time.
23
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,400
We gonna do this?
24
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,235
Lori Loughlin's
on "Oprah" at 3:00,
25
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,779
so I was gonna jerk off.
26
00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:11,988
But I guess I can tape it.
27
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,239
You're a good son.
28
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,167
{\an8}Oh, hey, Sarah.
29
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:25,210
{\an8}Hey, Ted.
30
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,378
{\an8}How's the pot business?
31
00:01:26,378 --> 00:01:29,381
{\an8}The... crock pot business
32
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:31,383
{\an8}is doing just fine, thanks.
33
00:01:31,383 --> 00:01:33,677
{\an8}Sarah, I don't think
you've met my cousin John.
34
00:01:33,677 --> 00:01:34,803
{\an8}- Hi.
- Hi.
35
00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:37,305
{\an8}Sarah's Blaire's friend
from college.
36
00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:39,432
{\an8}Her trip to California
was canceled,
37
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,102
{\an8}so she's staying with us
for Christmas.
38
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,269
{\an8}She's...
Indian.
39
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:44,854
{\an8}Aunt Suze, you--
40
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,314
{\an8}you don't have to say that.
41
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:47,774
{\an8}Oh, I don't mind.
42
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,276
{\an8}Sarah shouldn't have
to tell people she's Indian.
43
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:51,528
{\an8}Thank you.
44
00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,029
{\an8}Aren't you glad
you stayed for this?
45
00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,823
{\an8}- Mm.
- OK, tools...
46
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,157
{\an8}Oh, thank you.
47
00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,618
{\an8}For my little
assistants here.
48
00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,994
{\an8}Do you want to make
the colostomy bag joke,
49
00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:01,037
{\an8}or should I?
50
00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:02,622
{\an8}Well, Sarah is the guest.
51
00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:05,333
{\an8}Sarah, would you like to make
the colostomy bag joke?
52
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,918
{\an8}I'm all good.
Thanks.
53
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,963
{\an8}Johnny, I need you outside.
54
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,173
{\an8}There's a raccoon frozen in
the ice next to the driveway.
55
00:02:12,173 --> 00:02:13,466
{\an8}I got to chip him out of there.
56
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:14,801
{\an8}Well, what do you
need me for?
57
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,970
{\an8}Need you to bag up the pieces
for the homeless.
58
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,513
{\an8}Wait, do you only give stuff
to the homeless
59
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,973
{\an8}when you don't want
to go to the dump?
60
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,183
{\an8}Matty, honey, this is Sarah,
61
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,893
{\an8}Blaire's Indian friend.
62
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:26,146
{\an8}Aunt Suze, you really
don't have to add that.
63
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,272
{\an8}I had Indian food once.
64
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:28,523
{\an8}Blew right through me.
65
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,942
{\an8}I'll pass that on
up the ladder.
66
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,235
{\an8}Do what you want to do.
67
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,194
{\an8}I'm just telling you
what happened.
68
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,654
{\an8}All right, John, let's go.
69
00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:37,323
{\an8}Well, actually, I'm helping
Mom frost the cookies.
70
00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,658
{\an8}Well, you can do that later.
71
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,160
{\an8}She asked him first, Matty.
72
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,161
{\an8}You can wait your turn.
73
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,370
{\an8}Are you kidding me?
74
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:43,997
{\an8}Jesus Christ,
when I was your age,
75
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,999
{\an8}I would have killed
to shovel ice with my dad.
76
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,209
{\an8}Yeah, I can see
how chopping up a dead raccoon
77
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,211
{\an8}would be a father-son
memory maker.
78
00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:51,671
{\an8}So you're not gonna help?
79
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,632
{\an8}Well, I got a lot
of cookies to frost, Dad.
80
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:56,926
{\an8}Spoken like a real man.
81
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,386
{\an8}Which means what?
82
00:02:58,386 --> 00:02:59,846
{\an8}No, no, no, no, it's fine.
You know what?
83
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,682
{\an8}Stay here and frost
your cookies with the ladies.
84
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:05,101
{\an8}Maybe we can go see
a Broadway show after.
85
00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,437
{\an8}Oh, Matty, could we?
86
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:11,941
{\an8}So your implication
is that John is, what, gay
87
00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,234
{\an8}because he's frosting cookies?
88
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:14,486
Susan, help me out here.
89
00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,529
Look at that.
90
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:19,574
Is that an elf
with his big candy cane?
91
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,951
No, it's a barber pole.
The elf just got a haircut.
92
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,536
Oh, I love it.
93
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,997
Oh, Matty, come look
at the elf's haircut.
94
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:27,874
Fuck, Jesus Christ!
95
00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,834
You know, when I was just
a little bit older than you,
96
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,169
I was in Vietnam.
97
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,379
Did I ever tell you
about the time
98
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,339
I thought I saw
a clown in a field
99
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,383
but it was just
an inside-out guy?
100
00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:38,593
Know what?
Forget it.
101
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,595
Frost your gay cookies.
102
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,099
Did he just call you gay
103
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,060
and then angrily toss
his scarf over his shoulder?
104
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,311
Yup.
105
00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,729
Maybe he's still
figuring shit out.
106
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:51,731
Well, it is always
the homophobes.
107
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,400
You know, I never
understood that word.
108
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,859
- What word?
- "Homophobe."
109
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,569
It's prejudice
against gay people.
110
00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,696
Yeah, but, like,
shouldn't it mean,
111
00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,947
like, scared of gay people?
112
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,448
Yeah, I've always
wondered that too.
113
00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,867
Like, every other phobe
is, like, scared.
114
00:04:02,867 --> 00:04:04,744
That is
what "homophobe" means.
115
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,746
No, no, but it's--
it is different, right?
116
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,623
Like, in "Arachnophobia,"
Jeff Daniels
117
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,041
is scared of spiders
because he thinks
118
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:11,251
they're gonna, like,
hurt him
119
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,752
or, like, kill him
or something.
120
00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,754
Yeah, it's not like,
oh, I'm scared of spiders
121
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,840
'cause I think they're
gonna make me a spider
122
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,009
or they're gonna
take over the school
123
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,760
and teach spider stuff.
124
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,762
- Stop talking.
- I mean, if I was a homophobe,
125
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,598
wouldn't I see a gay guy
and be like, aah, a gay guy!
126
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:26,683
Run!
127
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,145
Is the bear always like this?
128
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,271
I'm so sorry.
129
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:34,691
Whew!
130
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:37,027
Didn't even run that far.
131
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:41,114
So... Bollywood,
132
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,949
is that you guys?
133
00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:51,624
Come on, Matty,
we're gonna be late for church.
134
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,126
No, I'm taking the week off.
135
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,669
Pats are playing Buffalo.
136
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:58,631
But it's the last Sunday
service before Christmas Eve.
137
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,258
And Father Odell
says that if you don't
138
00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:02,135
cultivate a relationship
with God,
139
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,261
you're going to hell.
140
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,347
Can't be worse
than one of his sermons.
141
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:06,681
Well, if he's that boring,
142
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,683
then why is the Boston Globe
Spotlight Team
143
00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,643
doing a big story on him?
144
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,645
Matty, Susan
has a choir solo today.
145
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,564
I'll be at the next one,
all right? I promise.
146
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,149
Jesus,
it's 45 fucking minutes.
147
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,150
You can't do this for her?
148
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,485
Oh, it's all right.
149
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:19,819
He works hard all week.
150
00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,322
If he wants to rest
on a Sunday, let him rest.
151
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,865
It's what the Lord did.
152
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,283
No, it's not
all right, though.
153
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:26,868
He's acting like
a selfish jerk.
154
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,161
I'm selfish?
155
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,162
Wait a minute.
156
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,497
I work 60 hours a week
157
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,040
so that you guys
can have a fridge
158
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,875
full of Eggos and Fanta.
159
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:34,918
He's right.
160
00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:36,836
We do take the Fanta
for granted.
161
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,255
- Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
162
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,383
- Yeah.
- Hey, what's that?
163
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:44,886
Oh, it's the toys for
the Toys for Tots gift drive.
164
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,721
That's Dennis the dump truck.
165
00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,098
Uh-huh.
166
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,307
You can't give him away.
167
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,851
Well, it's been
in our basement for years.
168
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,353
Yeah, but I've had him
since I was a kid.
169
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,604
That means a lot to me.
170
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,439
You named
your dump truck Dennis?
171
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,400
Keep my truck's name
out your mouth.
172
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,361
Oh, honey,
but you never play with it.
173
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,529
Well--well, I'm gonna--
174
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,822
I'm gonna start
playing with him.
175
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,365
Oh, you're gonna start
playing with it now
176
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,574
at fucking 50?
177
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:07,992
Yes, I'm gonna--
178
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:09,994
I'm gonna start
playing with him all the time.
179
00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:11,329
Starting right now. See?
180
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,456
Vroom, vroom.
181
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:16,292
Oh, yeah, we'll deliver
that peat moss.
182
00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,044
Yeah, we will.
Vroom.
183
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,171
- Hey, that looks fun.
- Yeah, can we play?
184
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,589
- No.
- Aw.
185
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:22,632
Vroom, vroom.
186
00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,300
What the fuck is happening?
187
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,094
Vroom.
188
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,137
Why are you still here?
189
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,638
Her flight was canceled,
190
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,141
so she's staying with us
for Christmas.
191
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:32,809
Hang on a second.
192
00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:35,311
We got company here
for the whole holidays
193
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:36,771
and nobody even asked me?
194
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:39,816
I can find somewhere else
to stay if it's a problem.
195
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,192
No.
Please, no.
196
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:42,694
No.
Absolutely not.
197
00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:43,820
Susan said it's fine.
Don't worry about him.
198
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,780
What, I don't get a say
in my own house?
199
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:46,823
Oh, Matty,
I think you're being
200
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,783
a little silly about this.
201
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,036
Nobody ever takes my side
in this house ever!
202
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,580
It's always me
against everybody else.
203
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,956
Well, maybe somebody
would take your side
204
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,624
if you weren't always
spreading your shitty mood
205
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:58,001
all over the house.
- Fine!
206
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,586
Your friend can stay
for the week.
207
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,421
Go have fun at church.
See? I'm nice.
208
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,214
Thank you so much,
Mr. Scrooge.
209
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,216
And God bless us, every one.
210
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:08,053
Well, at least Scrooge
was a good businessman.
211
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:10,138
Yeah, and Tiny Tim's
condition was preexisting.
212
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,765
Scrooge shouldn't have
to cover it.
213
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,475
- Exactly!
- Can I play with the truck?
214
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,185
- No.
- Aw.
215
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:29,532
♪ Silent night ♪
216
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:34,204
♪ Holy night ♪
217
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:38,625
♪ All is calm ♪
218
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:43,213
♪ All is bright ♪
219
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:47,509
♪ Round yon virgin ♪
220
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:52,263
♪ Mother and child ♪
221
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,934
♪ Holy infant ♪
222
00:07:55,934 --> 00:08:00,730
♪ So tender and mild ♪
223
00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,400
Wait, who describes
an infant as mild?
224
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,068
Yeah, I'm more
hung up on tender.
225
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,070
Yeah, somebody's
eating this baby.
226
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,906
♪ Peace ♪
227
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:14,994
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
228
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:19,165
♪ Peace ♪
229
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,626
Thank you to the choir
230
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:25,046
and to Susan Bennett
for that wonderful solo.
231
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,131
Where's Matty?
232
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:29,676
Oh, he wasn't
feeling well today.
233
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,678
It's important
that we remember just why
234
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,805
we celebrate Christmas.
235
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,850
We observe
the holiest of all days
236
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:41,438
to rejoice in the glory
of the birth of Jesus Christ,
237
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,773
born not from the seed of man
238
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,900
but from divine origin.
239
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:49,904
Never before or since
have we, God's children,
240
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,700
been blessed by such a miracle.
241
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,618
Excuse me.
242
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:56,828
Yeah, over here.
243
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,039
Hi.
Ted, local bear.
244
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,874
You're talking
about a guy who came alive
245
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,250
out of nowhere, right?
246
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,376
Yes.
247
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,003
Yeah, me.
248
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,212
I'm sorry?
249
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,631
I'm just saying,
he's not the only one.
250
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,884
I don't think
that's the same thing.
251
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,927
Well, you said,
never before or since.
252
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:16,306
But...
You know, this guy.
253
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,892
The birth of Christ
was a heavenly miracle.
254
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,143
I mean,
what do you call this?
255
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,853
I mean, I don't see
any Pound Puppies
256
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,605
or Monchhichis walking around.
257
00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:26,858
Christ's birth
was clearly ordained by God,
258
00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:29,611
marked by the star
of Bethlehem,
259
00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:31,529
a miraculous beacon
from the heavens.
260
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:33,615
- There was a star there.
- There was a star, right?
261
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,908
Yeah, no,
it was a shooting star.
262
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:35,950
- I had a star.
- Yeah.
263
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,203
Jesus had a divine purpose.
264
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:41,748
God sent him to us to spread
the word that He loves us.
265
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,375
I love you.
266
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:44,793
Your move, Friar Tuck.
267
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,252
I just want
to finish the sermon.
268
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,046
I'm just saying,
I might be Jesus.
269
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,923
Might.
I'm not saying for sure.
270
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,675
I'm just saying
it's a possibility.
271
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:52,926
I might be Jesus.
272
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:54,928
That is incredibly
disrespectful.
273
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,763
Says the guy eating babies.
274
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,432
So third and 10.
275
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,767
There he goes.
276
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,439
Fucking Patriots!
277
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,108
You see that, Dennis?
278
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,069
Why couldn't I have been born
in Buffalo?
279
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,779
I'd be winning every year.
280
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,198
God!
Buffalo has it all.
281
00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:18,410
Let's leave something
special for Santa this year:
282
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:20,328
Jell-O Pudding Pops!
283
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,329
children: Yay!
284
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:22,831
Santa's gonna love it.
285
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,251
Happy holidays
from Jell-O Pudding Pops!
286
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,840
Bet Bill Cosby's having
a good Christmas.
287
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,384
Bet he doesn't have to deal
with a bunch of women
288
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,219
telling him he's a jerk.
289
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:41,933
You know, used to be, the man
of the house said his piece,
290
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,893
everybody just fell in line.
291
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:46,438
Now it's like fucking
"Jerry Springer" in here.
292
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,068
Bet if you could talk,
you'd take my side.
293
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,571
Have another beer, Matty.
You've earned it.
294
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,489
Ah, well, thanks, Dennis.
295
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,867
I think I will.
296
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:02,662
And--and--and take
your socks off, Matty.
297
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,330
I don't mind the smell
of your feet
298
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,791
because I know that's not
something you can control.
299
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,460
Well, I appreciate that,
Dennis.
300
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,086
Thank you.
Thank you.
301
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,339
Hey, Matty.
Yeah?
302
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,341
Shouldn't there be
a White History Month too?
303
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:18,303
Well, Dennis,
you said it, not me.
304
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,604
Ah!
305
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,231
That was a hell of a floss.
306
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:35,612
Nothing feels better
than getting stuff
307
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,739
out of places, right?
308
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,702
Let me know when you want
to take a run
309
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,080
at that ingrown hair
on my neck.
310
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,585
Am I still getting
the silent treatment?
311
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,672
Look, I already said
I'm sorry I missed your solo.
312
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,548
You know I can't sit on wood.
313
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,258
It aggravates my hemorrhoids.
314
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:03,098
Oh, so my hemorrhoids are
my fault, too, I guess, huh?
315
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,476
It ain't the post office
down there, Susan.
316
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:08,478
This stuff doesn't just
show up on its own.
317
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,105
There's effort involved.
318
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,737
Might get one of those--
one of those doughnut pillows.
319
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:18,863
No.
You know what?
320
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,448
You don't get to hear about it.
321
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,318
Hey!
322
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,906
You wished me to life,
fuck face!
323
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,046
How the hell
did this happen?
324
00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,839
Just like it happened
with Ted.
325
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,216
I was looking out the window.
326
00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,967
Shooting star flies by.
327
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,010
I made a wish.
328
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,220
And here I am.
329
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:06,429
Is this house cursed?
330
00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:08,181
Hey, Susan,
can I smoke in here?
331
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:09,641
If he smokes, I get to smoke.
332
00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:12,268
I'm sorry, Dennis,
if I let you smoke,
333
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,688
I'll have to let
all the toys smoke.
334
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:15,730
Yeah, fuck.
335
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:16,856
Hey, can I ask you something?
336
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,191
How did it feel for you?
337
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,484
Yeah, one minute, nothing.
338
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,610
The next, I can talk.
339
00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,404
Was there a feeling
like acid reflux,
340
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:23,363
like, right after?
341
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,698
Oh, yeah, bad.
342
00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,574
It also felt like I had to pee,
but I couldn't.
343
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:27,826
Yup.
Same here.
344
00:14:27,826 --> 00:14:29,661
Must be what happens
when toys come to life.
345
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:33,707
So you just wished
for your truck to come alive?
346
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,250
Not exactly.
347
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,418
I wished there was someone
in the house
348
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,211
who'd back me up
in an argument.
349
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,379
Next thing I know,
I could move
350
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,214
and I hated
the fucking Yankees.
351
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,550
Well, I guess
it's a Christmas miracle.
352
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,136
So, like,
were there murders here?
353
00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:47,762
Like, was a grave desecrated?
354
00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,347
Jesus Christ, look at this.
Look at this.
355
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,808
They're giving free visas
to tech workers.
356
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,810
Oh, fucking A.
They're coming.
357
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:55,437
- Who?
- Immigrants.
358
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:58,398
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Really? Him too?
359
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,066
Yeah, those
affirmative action bozos
360
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,818
are probably jumping for joy.
361
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,446
No shit, watching them take
all the goddamn jobs.
362
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:05,905
You do know
affirmative action
363
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,241
isn't about taking things
away, right?
364
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,451
It's about including people
365
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:11,119
who've been
discriminated against.
366
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,328
Oh, come on!
367
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,288
Oh, here we go again
with this again.
368
00:15:13,288 --> 00:15:14,581
What a bunch of bullshit.
369
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,207
So you're saying
we should give people jobs
370
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:17,667
based on the color
of their skin.
371
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,879
I'm saying that things
have been unequal for centuries
372
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:22,422
and we should balance
the scales.
373
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,007
So yeah.
374
00:15:24,007 --> 00:15:25,842
OK, see, now, that's racist.
375
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:26,926
You're the one
who's defending
376
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,428
a white-dominated workforce.
377
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,846
Hey, I don't care
if they're purple,
378
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,389
green, or orange, all right?
379
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:33,433
I just don't want them
Black, brown, or yellow.
380
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,560
- Oh, my God, dude, really?
- Whoa, Jesus, dude.
381
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,396
Come on, it's a fucking joke.
Relax.
382
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,689
OK, look,
brown person over here.
383
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:42,442
Just FYI, my parents
moved here from India,
384
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,152
and they built
a very successful business
385
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,487
all on their own.
386
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:47,238
And they had to work
twice as hard to do it.
387
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,074
Business owners.
All right. OK.
388
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:50,742
Your parents vote
for Clinton or Bush?
389
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:53,453
Well, I mean,
they voted for Bush, but I--
390
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,704
- Holy shit!
- Ah, see, there it is.
391
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,081
There it is.
- Check-fucking-mate! See?
392
00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,290
This is why Dennis.
393
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,125
This is why Dennis!
394
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,627
But I voted for Clinton.
395
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,629
You know what this is?
Fucking Republicans.
396
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,756
I swear to God,
all you guys care about
397
00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:06,216
is winning the argument.
398
00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:09,052
You don't care about
actual change or justice.
399
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,720
It's all about feeling
fake smart
400
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,013
for, like, two seconds.
401
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,181
Let me ask you this.
402
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,432
What about the world
beyond you?
403
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,810
What about other people
and their needs?
404
00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:18,478
Jesus, what are you
getting all mad about?
405
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,480
You got two broads
on the Supreme Court now.
406
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,691
You're winning.
- Yeah, there you go, right?
407
00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:24,818
Two out of nine
is pretty darn good.
408
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,236
OK. You know what?
409
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:27,987
I am used to taking
this crap from Matty,
410
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:31,032
but I'm not gonna take it
from some random piece of shit
411
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,450
that just came to life.
412
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,119
No offense, Ted.
- All good.
413
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,537
Come on.
Let's go.
414
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:42,085
So we just don't care
that I'm Jesus, huh?
415
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,871
- Mm.
- Oh, my God.
416
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,789
Hi.
417
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:24,377
I was just checking to see
if you're OK after--
418
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:28,590
Well, it looks like you're OK.
419
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:34,095
Wait, wait, Aunt Suze.
420
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:36,014
There's something
you should know.
421
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,183
What?
422
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:40,226
Me and Sarah are--
423
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,481
- We're a couple, like, dating.
- Yeah.
424
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,900
No.
425
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:49,152
both: Yeah.
- No.
426
00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:53,031
You're just very good friends.
427
00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:55,116
- No.
- No, that's not--
428
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,201
what you just saw--
429
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,744
What I saw
430
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,455
was you expressing
your good friendship,
431
00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:02,332
just like the girls
on the tennis team
432
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,959
used to do
when I was in school.
433
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,670
You know what?
434
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:07,796
Maybe you're right.
435
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,756
Maybe that's for the best.
436
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,425
We're just...
really good friends.
437
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,386
Wait. What?
438
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,221
Sarah, people in this house
think Liberace
439
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:18,348
just had a lot
of personality, OK?
440
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,433
I think good friends
is as far as they're gonna go.
441
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,770
Gosh, that Liberace sure was
full of spunk, wasn't he?
442
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,730
Blaire, no, OK?
443
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:26,731
I'm tired of this.
444
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,108
We keep hiding it
everywhere we go.
445
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,734
- I know.
- It's bullshit.
446
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,069
OK, well, you think
my uncle's gonna be cool
447
00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:32,153
with this?
- Oh, come on.
448
00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:33,321
Especially
with Dennis around?
449
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,739
Who gives a fuck
what he thinks?
450
00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,117
And why should I care
what a fucking toy dump truck
451
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,285
thinks about my sexuality?
452
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,870
There's a sentence
you don't hear every day.
453
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,539
Wouldn't it be easier
to just tell them
454
00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:43,790
we're more than good friends?
455
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:47,711
I really think
that if we just take a minute,
456
00:18:47,711 --> 00:18:49,713
we'd be saving ourselves
a lot of stress,
457
00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:51,965
all right,
at least till after Christmas.
458
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:55,844
We have very little going on
January 3rd.
459
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:56,886
Great.
460
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,054
Yeah, that works.
461
00:18:58,054 --> 00:18:59,514
- All right.
- Thank you, Suze.
462
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:06,187
January 3rd,
put it on the calendar.
463
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,328
Oh, my God, did I tell you
somebody broke into my car
464
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,955
and whacked off
on the dashboard?
465
00:19:23,955 --> 00:19:25,665
Yes, like, 50 fucking times.
466
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,959
Right.
Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays.
467
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,377
Can we not turn on each other?
468
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:30,837
Fine.
Let me braid your hair.
469
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,213
Thank you.
470
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,010
OK, we can't read
this whole thing.
471
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,095
Well, if we're gonna figure
out if I'm actually Jesus,
472
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:40,347
we at least got to skim it.
473
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,724
I have never
seen pages so thin.
474
00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:43,933
I know.
475
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,643
It's like Kleenex
with boring stories on it.
476
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:46,770
You know, I was thinking.
477
00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,980
How do we know
that Dennis isn't Jesus?
478
00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,982
Johnny, Jesus walked
on water, all right?
479
00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,233
Walked!
480
00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:53,318
That means he had feet,
not wheels.
481
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:54,986
Yeah, that makes sense.
482
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,447
Oh, wait, hang on.
Stop right there.
483
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:58,448
Look, look, look.
484
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,533
Matthew 21:31,
485
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,369
"Truly I say to you,
486
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,371
"the tax collectors
and prostitutes
487
00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:06,414
go into the kingdom of heaven
before you."
488
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:07,540
Look at that.
489
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,958
Jesus hangs out with hookers.
490
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:10,502
Yeah, and he says
there's hookers in heaven too.
491
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:11,836
He sounds a lot like you.
492
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,797
Oh, yeah, heaven is probably
mostly hookers.
493
00:20:13,797 --> 00:20:15,548
Wait, so you're paying
for sex in heaven?
494
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:16,716
You're not paying them
for sex.
495
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,176
You're paying them to fly away.
496
00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:19,177
Oh.
497
00:20:19,177 --> 00:20:20,428
Let's see.
498
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,556
"And behold, I come quickly,
499
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,934
and my reward
is with me to give"--
500
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,394
What was that first part?
501
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,396
"Behold, I come quickly."
502
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:31,189
- Jesus said that?
- Yeah.
503
00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:34,150
Yeah, that's not the kind of
thing I'd start with "behold."
504
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,528
What else?
505
00:20:36,528 --> 00:20:38,238
Well, look, look, look.
Right there. Right there.
506
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:39,739
John the apostle.
507
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,825
Jesus had an apostle
named John.
508
00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:42,909
Holy shit.
509
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,661
Those were, like,
his buddies, right?
510
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:46,830
Yeah, yeah, there was
Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey,
511
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,206
Johnny, Blitzen,
512
00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:50,041
and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.
513
00:20:50,041 --> 00:20:51,292
There's no doubt anymore.
514
00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,877
I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.
515
00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:54,170
Holy shit.
516
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,964
Does this mean you have,
like, powers and stuff?
517
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,049
Yeah, but I probably
got to learn how to use them.
518
00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,509
Flip to the spells.
519
00:20:59,509 --> 00:21:01,052
- OK, spells, spells, spells.
- Spells, spells, spells.
520
00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:02,262
Wonder what my alignment is.
521
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,264
- Chaotic good.
- Ah, yeah, yeah.
522
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,473
Good, but, like,
you know, I might
523
00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:06,975
fuck around a little bit.
- Yeah.
524
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:09,019
Shit, we supposed
to have dice?
525
00:21:13,857 --> 00:21:16,192
Hey, Matty, a Jew,
a Polack,
526
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,861
and a Black guy
walk into a bar--
527
00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:19,529
- Oh, my fucking God. Really?
- Wow.
528
00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:21,114
Hey, watch the language.
529
00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:22,282
Tell your stupid truck that.
530
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:23,950
He's telling racist jokes.
531
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,326
I'm not racist.
532
00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:26,619
The punch line wasn't gonna be
about the Black guy.
533
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,912
It was gonna be
about the Jew...
534
00:21:27,912 --> 00:21:30,081
and, to a lesser extent,
about the Polack
535
00:21:30,081 --> 00:21:32,208
and a little bit
about the Black guy's penis.
536
00:21:32,208 --> 00:21:33,752
- See?
- The point is,
537
00:21:33,752 --> 00:21:36,087
none of them knew how deep
the water was.
538
00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:37,922
Ow! Hey!
This is assault!
539
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:39,257
I'm being assaulted here!
540
00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:41,134
So much
for the nonviolent left.
541
00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:42,469
It's Christmas Eve.
542
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:44,429
Can't we just have
a nice dinner together?
543
00:21:44,429 --> 00:21:45,889
Yes, we can.
544
00:21:45,889 --> 00:21:47,182
It's a beautiful ham,
Aunt Susan.
545
00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:48,475
Thank you.
546
00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:50,393
Yeah, everything looks
really great.
547
00:21:50,393 --> 00:21:51,811
Thank you, girls.
Thank you.
548
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,104
- You want some of this?
- Yes, please.
549
00:21:53,104 --> 00:21:54,272
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
550
00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:55,357
What? What? What?
551
00:21:55,357 --> 00:21:56,649
It's Christmas Eve.
552
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:58,818
We got to say grace,
thank the Lord.
553
00:21:58,818 --> 00:22:00,779
- You're welcome.
- Fine.
554
00:22:00,779 --> 00:22:02,530
Dennis, would you like
to do the honors?
555
00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:04,532
Absolutely.
Bow your heads.
556
00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:07,243
- Dear Lord...
- Yes.
557
00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:08,870
- Thank you for this food...
- No problem.
558
00:22:08,870 --> 00:22:10,413
- And for these blessings...
- Anytime.
559
00:22:10,413 --> 00:22:11,581
- Make us thankful.
- On it.
560
00:22:11,581 --> 00:22:13,416
- And may we serve you--
- Mashed potatoes.
561
00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:15,251
What the fuck?
You want to say grace?
562
00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:16,378
Nah, I'd feel
like an asshole.
563
00:22:16,378 --> 00:22:17,671
Amen.
564
00:22:17,671 --> 00:22:19,964
Oh, that was
just beautiful, Dennis.
565
00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:21,341
Now you can eat.
566
00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:23,134
Oh, yeah, thank you so much
for your permission.
567
00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:25,428
Hey, you know,
I hope the PC thought police
568
00:22:25,428 --> 00:22:27,180
over at that college
don't kick you out
569
00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,556
for praying to Jesus.
570
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:29,891
You know,
70% of the world
571
00:22:29,891 --> 00:22:31,685
doesn't even believe
in Jesus.
572
00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:33,478
- I'll get them.
- Yeah, those are
573
00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:35,313
all the starving countries
with no food.
574
00:22:35,313 --> 00:22:38,817
Oh, so God loves Americans
more, is that the theory?
575
00:22:38,817 --> 00:22:40,694
Yeah, not for long
if Slick Willy
576
00:22:40,694 --> 00:22:42,946
fucks things up by putting gays
in the military.
577
00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:45,073
For God's sake,
what would Reagan say?
578
00:22:45,073 --> 00:22:46,282
Right now?
579
00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:47,867
Probably something
about choo-choo trains.
580
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:50,161
Would anyone like
some mushroom caps?
581
00:22:50,161 --> 00:22:52,414
Uncle Matty, do you agree
with Dennis
582
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:54,124
that gay people
shouldn't serve?
583
00:22:54,124 --> 00:22:55,375
I think it's a bad idea.
584
00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:56,418
Why?
585
00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:57,711
You want to put a gay guy
586
00:22:57,711 --> 00:22:59,838
in a barracks
with 20 regular guys?
587
00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:01,715
What happens
when they all got to shower?
588
00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:03,550
I don't know, Matty.
What happens?
589
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:04,759
Plus, the Bible says
590
00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:06,469
no butt stuff,
or you go to hell.
591
00:23:06,469 --> 00:23:08,054
Hey, where's
the spell section?
592
00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:09,723
So it's immoral too?
593
00:23:09,723 --> 00:23:11,349
Gay people
should all go to hell,
594
00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:12,642
that's what you think?
595
00:23:12,642 --> 00:23:14,144
Listen, I don't care!
596
00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:16,271
Anybody can stick anything
anywhere they want,
597
00:23:16,271 --> 00:23:19,107
as long as it's not in the army
and not in my house.
598
00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:21,735
Well, then I guess Sarah
and I aren't welcome here.
599
00:23:22,777 --> 00:23:23,987
What do you mean?
600
00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,741
Sarah and I are a couple.
601
00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:30,076
- Called it, Johnny.
- Motherfucker.
602
00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:33,163
Blaire, I thought we were
gonna do this on January 3rd.
603
00:23:33,163 --> 00:23:34,998
Wait a minute.
604
00:23:34,998 --> 00:23:37,125
You--the two of you?
605
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:38,835
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.
606
00:23:38,835 --> 00:23:40,211
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
607
00:23:40,211 --> 00:23:41,588
What the fuck is this?
608
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,131
What are you
gonna do about it?
609
00:23:43,131 --> 00:23:44,507
You're gay?
610
00:23:44,507 --> 00:23:46,718
- Fluid.
- What the hell does that mean?
611
00:23:46,718 --> 00:23:49,429
It means that I'm attracted
to personalities
612
00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:50,597
regardless of their gender.
613
00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:52,682
Oh, Jesus Christ.
614
00:23:52,682 --> 00:23:54,100
You're attracted
to personalities,
615
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,268
and you picked her?
616
00:23:55,268 --> 00:23:56,353
- Hey!
- Oh, fuck you.
617
00:23:56,353 --> 00:23:57,437
You've met six people.
618
00:23:57,437 --> 00:23:58,605
It's that college.
619
00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,607
- It's that college!
- Oh, my God.
620
00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:01,775
Susan, what am I
always saying?
621
00:24:01,775 --> 00:24:03,443
College turns people gay.
622
00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:04,569
College
turns people gay.
623
00:24:04,569 --> 00:24:06,154
Absolutely right!
624
00:24:06,154 --> 00:24:08,656
Out there on the lawn
every weekend,
625
00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,325
tossing the Frisbee around.
626
00:24:10,325 --> 00:24:12,118
How the fuck is Frisbee gay?
627
00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:13,620
It's a sport
where nobody wins.
628
00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:15,038
It's only about the fun.
629
00:24:15,038 --> 00:24:16,206
So what?
630
00:24:16,206 --> 00:24:17,415
And what's this?
631
00:24:17,415 --> 00:24:19,334
What's this, doing this
all the time, huh?
632
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:20,710
That's not a man's sport.
633
00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:22,253
You might as well
be on a balcony
634
00:24:22,253 --> 00:24:23,630
waving goodbye to your lover.
635
00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:25,048
Making those clap catches,
636
00:24:25,048 --> 00:24:26,675
like you're front row
at Elton John.
637
00:24:26,675 --> 00:24:28,301
Oh, the clap catch.
638
00:24:28,301 --> 00:24:30,553
Yeah, clap catching
your Wham-O Frisbee.
639
00:24:30,553 --> 00:24:31,721
You know
why it's called Wham-O?
640
00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:33,431
You turn around,
you bend over to pick up
641
00:24:33,431 --> 00:24:34,641
up your Frisbee,
and wham-o!
642
00:24:34,641 --> 00:24:35,934
Oh, you know what?
643
00:24:35,934 --> 00:24:37,519
You wish you were a Frisbee,
you little shit.
644
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:39,938
And I'm so sorry
that our sexual orientation
645
00:24:39,938 --> 00:24:41,815
is so offensive to everyone.
646
00:24:41,815 --> 00:24:43,316
Merry fucking Christmas.
647
00:24:43,316 --> 00:24:44,317
Come on, Sarah.
648
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:45,443
Blaire.
649
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:46,444
Blaire, honey, wait.
650
00:24:46,444 --> 00:24:47,696
Thank you.
651
00:24:48,697 --> 00:24:50,782
Matty, please
apologize to her.
652
00:24:50,782 --> 00:24:52,951
- Me?
- Yes, you.
653
00:24:52,951 --> 00:24:55,036
She should be
apologizing to God.
654
00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:56,496
Oh, he says it's fine.
No worries.
655
00:24:56,496 --> 00:24:57,997
But it's the holidays.
656
00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,791
I'm not gonna
apologize to her!
657
00:24:59,791 --> 00:25:02,460
She just made a spectacle
in front of the entire family
658
00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:04,254
and in front of the ham!
659
00:25:04,254 --> 00:25:05,714
Well, you know what?
660
00:25:05,714 --> 00:25:07,882
This is my ham, and you're not
having a piece of the ham
661
00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:09,300
until you say you're sorry.
662
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:11,052
You know what?
I don't need any ham!
663
00:25:11,052 --> 00:25:13,596
I got all the Slim Jims I need
in the basement!
664
00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:15,306
Come on, Dennis.
- Good call, Buddy.
665
00:25:18,685 --> 00:25:21,688
All I wanted
was a nice Christmas.
666
00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:28,695
OK, what do you say we try
one of them spells, huh?
667
00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,572
Water into wine, here we go.
668
00:25:30,572 --> 00:25:33,033
Meka leka hi,
meka hiney ho.
669
00:25:33,033 --> 00:25:35,660
Meka leka hi,
meka chiney ho.
670
00:25:35,660 --> 00:25:37,746
All right, try it.
671
00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:43,710
- Still water.
- Fuck!
672
00:25:43,710 --> 00:25:44,878
Oh, you know what?
673
00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:46,254
It's 'cause
we don't have the wand.
674
00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:04,939
What?
675
00:26:06,566 --> 00:26:08,485
Hey, we brought you
some ham
676
00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:09,778
in case you're still hungry.
677
00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:12,614
- Where is it?
- Oh.
678
00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:17,869
Yeah, it's touching
a five, so...
679
00:26:17,869 --> 00:26:18,995
Oh, look at that.
680
00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:20,830
What do you guys want?
681
00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:22,624
We just wanted
to see how you're doing.
682
00:26:22,624 --> 00:26:24,668
- Shitty.
- Wait, you're leaving?
683
00:26:24,668 --> 00:26:26,294
Yeah, I thought
I'd go somewhere
684
00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:27,754
a little more tolerant,
685
00:26:27,754 --> 00:26:29,756
like Iran.
686
00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:31,925
Listen, Blaire,
687
00:26:31,925 --> 00:26:33,259
we just wanted to say,
you know,
688
00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:36,096
Teddy and I are totally cool
with you being--
689
00:26:36,096 --> 00:26:39,015
you know, just in case
you were wondering.
690
00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:41,017
I don't need your approval.
691
00:26:41,017 --> 00:26:42,352
No.
Yeah, I know that, but--
692
00:26:42,352 --> 00:26:45,855
No, I--sorry,
I get what you meant.
693
00:26:45,855 --> 00:26:47,607
Thanks.
- Cool.
694
00:26:47,607 --> 00:26:48,942
I mean, we love lesbians.
695
00:26:48,942 --> 00:26:50,235
Yeah, like, a lot.
696
00:26:50,235 --> 00:26:52,278
Like, we found some magazines
in the woods--
697
00:26:52,278 --> 00:26:54,406
I get it.
698
00:26:54,406 --> 00:26:57,367
Question--and I hope
I'm not out of line here--
699
00:26:57,367 --> 00:26:59,744
but is it 'cause--
700
00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:02,831
I mean, did you get a bad dick?
701
00:27:02,831 --> 00:27:05,208
Yeah, that's not
how it works.
702
00:27:05,208 --> 00:27:07,794
Look, I'm not 100%
one way or the other.
703
00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:11,339
I just--I'm attracted
to who I'm attracted to.
704
00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:13,967
Also, I got a bad dick.
705
00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:15,135
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, that's awesome.
706
00:27:15,135 --> 00:27:16,761
That's awesome.
- Ah, no.
707
00:27:16,761 --> 00:27:19,139
That's just a comedy freebie
for you guys.
708
00:27:19,139 --> 00:27:21,016
It's bullshit, all right?
- Thank you.
709
00:27:21,016 --> 00:27:22,600
Thank you
for the Christmas dick joke.
710
00:27:24,060 --> 00:27:25,520
Shit.
711
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,272
I mean, how the fuck
am I supposed to share a house
712
00:27:27,272 --> 00:27:28,815
with somebody
who treats me like
713
00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:31,401
I have some fucking disease?
714
00:27:31,401 --> 00:27:33,653
Guess there's no chance
he's gonna apologize.
715
00:27:33,653 --> 00:27:34,863
You know, if I can offer
716
00:27:34,863 --> 00:27:36,823
a bit of Christly wisdom,
Blaire?
717
00:27:36,823 --> 00:27:39,325
You're smarter than he is,
718
00:27:39,325 --> 00:27:41,828
so you might have
to go talk to him.
719
00:27:41,828 --> 00:27:43,955
Oh, fuck that.
720
00:27:43,955 --> 00:27:45,999
I am not extending
an olive branch to somebody
721
00:27:45,999 --> 00:27:47,876
who's against basic equality.
722
00:27:47,876 --> 00:27:49,169
Well, that's
the thing, Blaire.
723
00:27:49,169 --> 00:27:51,171
I don't think he's really
even against anything.
724
00:27:51,171 --> 00:27:52,422
Think he just didn't want
to look stupid
725
00:27:52,422 --> 00:27:53,590
in front of his truck.
726
00:27:53,590 --> 00:27:55,508
Listen to yourself!
727
00:27:55,508 --> 00:27:56,760
OK, then don't do it for Dad.
728
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:58,178
Do it for Mom.
729
00:27:58,178 --> 00:27:59,971
Look, she's really
bummed out right now,
730
00:27:59,971 --> 00:28:02,015
and it's all just 'cause
Christmas is messed up.
731
00:28:02,015 --> 00:28:03,933
Look, I know
it's gonna suck, but--
732
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:06,353
But it's like I say
in the book of Romulans:
733
00:28:06,353 --> 00:28:07,645
turn the other cheek.
734
00:28:07,645 --> 00:28:09,356
Do unto others.
735
00:28:09,356 --> 00:28:11,441
Say it, don't spray it.
736
00:28:11,441 --> 00:28:12,692
I'll have what she's having.
737
00:28:12,692 --> 00:28:13,902
You're an idiot.
738
00:28:13,902 --> 00:28:16,029
Oh, what do we say
to that, Apostle?
739
00:28:16,029 --> 00:28:17,906
- Four hell points.
- Four hell points.
740
00:28:17,906 --> 00:28:19,491
What the fuck
is a hell point?
741
00:28:19,491 --> 00:28:21,785
It's how I determine which
of my children, who I love,
742
00:28:21,785 --> 00:28:23,244
will be tortured forever.
743
00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:25,789
Oh, God.
744
00:28:25,789 --> 00:28:28,541
Ugh, all right,
all right, I'll--
745
00:28:28,541 --> 00:28:30,085
I'll talk to him.
746
00:28:31,378 --> 00:28:32,796
Usually a day or two
in traction--
747
00:28:32,796 --> 00:28:34,547
Now, wait a minute, Frank,
I'm the doctor here.
748
00:28:34,547 --> 00:28:36,466
I thought
I was the doctor here.
749
00:28:36,466 --> 00:28:37,926
Actually,
we're all doctors here.
750
00:28:37,926 --> 00:28:39,344
Even the patient's
a doctor here.
751
00:28:39,344 --> 00:28:41,221
Hear, hear.
752
00:28:41,221 --> 00:28:43,515
Will you clowns
act like professionals?
753
00:28:43,515 --> 00:28:44,766
All right, I got one for you.
754
00:28:44,766 --> 00:28:46,685
So an airplane's
about to crash, right?
755
00:28:46,685 --> 00:28:49,562
A woman stands up, takes off
her clothes, and yells,
756
00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:50,772
we're all gonna die!
757
00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,649
Someone make me feel
like a real woman!
758
00:28:52,649 --> 00:28:54,609
The guy sitting next to her
takes off his shirt,
759
00:28:54,609 --> 00:28:56,569
and he says, here, iron this.
760
00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:58,905
- Right?
761
00:28:58,905 --> 00:29:00,907
Yeah, right.
- That's a good one.
762
00:29:00,907 --> 00:29:03,410
Yeah, see, that's how
it's gonna be down here.
763
00:29:03,410 --> 00:29:06,246
Just you and me and jokes
about chicks doing chores.
764
00:29:06,246 --> 00:29:07,539
Matty?
765
00:29:07,539 --> 00:29:10,583
Oh, boy, here comes
Raggedy Lesbi-Ann.
766
00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:13,712
Dennis, I'd like
to talk to my uncle.
767
00:29:13,712 --> 00:29:14,921
Can you give us a second?
768
00:29:14,921 --> 00:29:16,756
Hey, anything
you want to say to me,
769
00:29:16,756 --> 00:29:18,466
you can say
in front of Dennis here.
770
00:29:18,466 --> 00:29:21,052
Fine.
771
00:29:22,512 --> 00:29:26,808
Look, I don't expect us to
agree on politics, all right?
772
00:29:26,808 --> 00:29:28,935
That's just never gonna happen.
773
00:29:28,935 --> 00:29:31,563
But this isn't about politics.
774
00:29:31,563 --> 00:29:33,481
This is about who I am.
775
00:29:36,651 --> 00:29:38,820
Matty...
776
00:29:38,820 --> 00:29:41,781
like it or not,
we're family.
777
00:29:41,781 --> 00:29:43,283
I don't talk to my parents
anymore,
778
00:29:43,283 --> 00:29:45,785
so you and Aunt Suze
are all I've got.
779
00:29:45,785 --> 00:29:48,246
I don't want to lose you too.
780
00:29:48,246 --> 00:29:50,498
I'm your niece, and I just--
781
00:29:54,085 --> 00:29:56,171
I just think
it's really fucking shitty
782
00:29:56,171 --> 00:29:59,591
and unfair that you can't
accept me for who I am.
783
00:29:59,591 --> 00:30:03,011
Hey, it's Christmas Eve,
not Christmas Steve.
784
00:30:04,179 --> 00:30:06,056
So all the fucked-up things
that he says,
785
00:30:06,056 --> 00:30:08,683
is that really
what you think too?
786
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,270
Don't back down, Matty.
This is your house.
787
00:30:14,814 --> 00:30:16,733
Well, then I guess
you're an intolerant prick,
788
00:30:16,733 --> 00:30:18,610
just like he is.
789
00:30:18,610 --> 00:30:20,904
Have a good Christmas
with truck Hitler.
790
00:30:20,904 --> 00:30:22,197
I'm out of here.
791
00:30:26,117 --> 00:30:27,786
Jesus, they always
bring up Hitler
792
00:30:27,786 --> 00:30:29,371
when they're losing
an argument.
793
00:30:29,371 --> 00:30:32,040
And by the way,
not everything he did was--
794
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:33,792
I need another beer.
795
00:30:33,792 --> 00:30:35,585
Why didn't you tell her off?
796
00:30:35,585 --> 00:30:37,504
What the hell
was I supposed to say?
797
00:30:37,504 --> 00:30:40,090
You remind her who pays
the bills around here.
798
00:30:40,090 --> 00:30:42,175
You tell her to stop
giving God the finger.
799
00:30:42,175 --> 00:30:44,010
Ah.
You don't know nothing.
800
00:30:44,010 --> 00:30:45,345
Oh, no shit?
801
00:30:45,345 --> 00:30:47,806
Well, now I see
why Johnny's the way he is.
802
00:30:47,806 --> 00:30:49,391
What do you mean?
803
00:30:49,391 --> 00:30:50,767
Your son is 16.
804
00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:52,769
He ain't got a girlfriend.
He doesn't play sports.
805
00:30:52,769 --> 00:30:54,854
He spends all of his time
in his room with a teddy bear
806
00:30:54,854 --> 00:30:56,314
doing fuck knows what.
807
00:30:56,314 --> 00:30:57,899
For all you know, he's minty.
808
00:30:57,899 --> 00:30:59,025
Minty?
809
00:30:59,025 --> 00:31:00,360
What the fuck is minty?
810
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,779
You know, he's trimming
the crust off the bread.
811
00:31:02,779 --> 00:31:03,863
What?
812
00:31:03,863 --> 00:31:05,115
He's raking his leaves
at night.
813
00:31:05,115 --> 00:31:06,866
He ain't throwing away
all his peach pits,
814
00:31:06,866 --> 00:31:07,951
if you know what I'm saying.
815
00:31:07,951 --> 00:31:09,369
I don't have a fucking clue.
816
00:31:09,369 --> 00:31:11,705
He's picking his eggshells
out of the compost.
817
00:31:11,705 --> 00:31:12,914
Come on, you know what I mean.
818
00:31:12,914 --> 00:31:14,374
Your kid's a cheese puncher.
819
00:31:14,374 --> 00:31:17,335
Hey, don't talk to me
about my son, you asshole!
820
00:31:17,335 --> 00:31:19,254
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
I'm the only one in this house
821
00:31:19,254 --> 00:31:20,797
who doesn't lie to you.
822
00:31:28,179 --> 00:31:29,597
I know what I'm gonna do.
823
00:31:29,597 --> 00:31:30,557
Great. Let's go.
824
00:31:30,557 --> 00:31:31,641
You stay here.
825
00:31:35,437 --> 00:31:38,064
Hey, can you change
the channel to the game?
826
00:31:41,151 --> 00:31:42,777
Ah, look at this.
827
00:31:42,777 --> 00:31:44,362
Fucking Clinton.
828
00:31:46,823 --> 00:31:48,742
You guys in separate beds?
829
00:31:48,742 --> 00:31:49,743
Yeah.
830
00:31:49,743 --> 00:31:51,036
Good.
831
00:32:36,456 --> 00:32:37,582
What?
832
00:32:42,712 --> 00:32:45,256
I grew up different.
833
00:32:48,551 --> 00:32:50,303
I'm--
834
00:32:50,303 --> 00:32:53,139
but I'm not
one of those guys.
835
00:32:54,849 --> 00:32:58,895
I mean, I don't understand
how you can do what you do...
836
00:32:58,895 --> 00:33:01,356
- OK.
- But--but--but...
837
00:33:06,611 --> 00:33:11,032
I don't want you
to feel unwelcome in my house.
838
00:33:12,117 --> 00:33:13,660
Uh-huh.
839
00:33:16,121 --> 00:33:18,206
I'm not great
with this stuff.
840
00:33:19,582 --> 00:33:21,459
But...
841
00:33:22,544 --> 00:33:24,963
It's good
that you're here--
842
00:33:24,963 --> 00:33:26,381
for John.
843
00:33:27,549 --> 00:33:29,217
Sure.
844
00:33:31,011 --> 00:33:35,181
The other day, I farted,
and he said it was pungent.
845
00:33:35,181 --> 00:33:38,184
And I guess that's a word.
846
00:33:38,184 --> 00:33:41,521
So he's learning stuff
847
00:33:41,521 --> 00:33:43,064
with you around.
848
00:33:48,611 --> 00:33:51,197
And Christmas is just
a whole thing for Susan too.
849
00:33:51,197 --> 00:33:54,325
So yeah, she wants you here.
850
00:34:01,458 --> 00:34:03,501
And I--
851
00:34:03,501 --> 00:34:06,629
I don't want to be
a shitty uncle.
852
00:34:06,629 --> 00:34:08,423
I'm sorry.
853
00:34:16,681 --> 00:34:20,560
I'm not the only one
you disrespected.
854
00:34:25,106 --> 00:34:27,233
Sarah...
855
00:34:27,233 --> 00:34:29,611
you're invited to Christmas.
856
00:34:31,321 --> 00:34:34,240
And I'm sorry that I
called you a terrorist.
857
00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:37,577
You--you never
called me that.
858
00:34:37,577 --> 00:34:39,871
Oh, that's right.
You were out of the room.
859
00:34:41,831 --> 00:34:43,625
Well, what about Dennis?
860
00:34:49,881 --> 00:34:51,716
I guess he's got to go.
861
00:34:54,302 --> 00:34:56,763
Son of a bitch.
862
00:35:03,561 --> 00:35:04,562
Hey.
863
00:35:04,562 --> 00:35:05,814
Dennis?
864
00:35:11,778 --> 00:35:13,279
I'm the one
you're gonna get rid of,
865
00:35:13,279 --> 00:35:14,739
you piece-of-shit fuck face?
866
00:35:14,739 --> 00:35:17,617
Jesus, what the fuck
are you trying to do, kill me?
867
00:35:17,617 --> 00:35:20,412
I come to life for you,
and this is the thanks I get?
868
00:35:20,412 --> 00:35:21,871
Huh?
869
00:35:21,871 --> 00:35:24,124
What have you got
to say for yourself?
870
00:35:24,124 --> 00:35:26,042
I don't want
to kick you out, Dennis,
871
00:35:26,042 --> 00:35:27,419
but my family comes first!
872
00:35:27,419 --> 00:35:29,629
Oh, come the fuck on.
873
00:35:30,296 --> 00:35:32,507
It ain't worked out with you
the way I thought it would.
874
00:35:32,507 --> 00:35:35,468
I backed you up every time,
just like you wanted.
875
00:35:35,468 --> 00:35:38,013
I didn't want to make
my niece cry, for God's sakes.
876
00:35:38,013 --> 00:35:39,389
Why you got to be such a prick?
877
00:35:39,389 --> 00:35:41,057
Oh, what,
so now you're on her side?
878
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:42,642
I'm not on anybody's side.
879
00:35:42,642 --> 00:35:46,438
But... she's not hurting
anybody, God damn it.
880
00:35:46,438 --> 00:35:47,981
It's hurting society.
881
00:35:47,981 --> 00:35:50,984
This is why Kennedy blew
his own brains out in Dallas.
882
00:35:50,984 --> 00:35:52,193
What the fuck?
883
00:35:52,193 --> 00:35:53,486
Oh, don't be naive.
884
00:35:53,486 --> 00:35:54,738
What the hell
is your problem?
885
00:35:54,738 --> 00:35:56,573
Oh, oh, I'm the one
with the problem?
886
00:35:56,573 --> 00:35:58,658
Yeah. Why the fuck are you
digging in like this?
887
00:35:58,658 --> 00:36:00,452
I want to know.
- You want to know why, Matty?
888
00:36:00,452 --> 00:36:01,745
- Yeah.
- You want to know why?
889
00:36:01,745 --> 00:36:02,746
Why?
890
00:36:02,746 --> 00:36:04,789
Because I have thoughts
of men!
891
00:36:11,254 --> 00:36:12,380
What?
892
00:36:12,380 --> 00:36:15,342
I have thoughts of men.
893
00:36:16,343 --> 00:36:18,178
Sexual thoughts.
894
00:36:18,178 --> 00:36:21,306
I want to do to men
895
00:36:21,306 --> 00:36:23,558
what you want to do to women.
896
00:36:25,769 --> 00:36:28,355
- You're saying--
- I'm gay, Matty.
897
00:36:29,272 --> 00:36:30,648
I'm gay.
898
00:36:32,817 --> 00:36:33,985
Oh.
899
00:36:33,985 --> 00:36:36,529
God, I--
900
00:36:36,529 --> 00:36:38,573
I can't believe
I just said it.
901
00:36:39,407 --> 00:36:42,202
- Uh--
- Ah, shit!
902
00:36:42,202 --> 00:36:44,371
What the fuck
have I been doing?
903
00:36:44,371 --> 00:36:47,082
I've wasted
my whole goddamn life,
904
00:36:47,082 --> 00:36:50,335
three days down the drain,
905
00:36:50,335 --> 00:36:53,254
and I've never
allowed myself to love.
906
00:36:54,673 --> 00:36:56,841
- Well, I mean...
907
00:36:56,841 --> 00:36:57,884
You could always--
908
00:36:57,884 --> 00:36:59,427
Ah, it's too late now.
909
00:36:59,427 --> 00:37:01,680
I'm old and I'm rusty.
910
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:03,682
I don't know what to do, Matty.
911
00:37:03,682 --> 00:37:07,268
I don't know what to do
or who to be or how to be it.
912
00:37:11,606 --> 00:37:13,274
Oh, God.
913
00:37:15,068 --> 00:37:16,403
When I was a kid...
914
00:37:18,154 --> 00:37:19,781
You were always there for me.
915
00:37:21,574 --> 00:37:23,743
Well, I'm gonna
be there for you.
916
00:37:39,926 --> 00:37:42,137
I love you, pal.
917
00:37:52,397 --> 00:37:54,232
So I guess this is it.
918
00:37:54,232 --> 00:37:55,775
Yeah.
919
00:37:55,775 --> 00:37:57,152
Thanks, Dennis.
920
00:37:57,152 --> 00:37:59,237
For what?
921
00:37:59,237 --> 00:38:01,489
All those years growing up.
922
00:38:02,657 --> 00:38:04,576
Mom and Dad fighting
in the other room.
923
00:38:04,576 --> 00:38:06,828
Hell, fighting
in the same room.
924
00:38:08,371 --> 00:38:10,707
Playing with you
was what got me through it.
925
00:38:10,707 --> 00:38:11,833
Nuh-uh.
926
00:38:11,833 --> 00:38:14,711
Thank you, Matty,
for being who you are.
927
00:38:14,711 --> 00:38:16,629
I don't think there's
a more tolerant man
928
00:38:16,629 --> 00:38:18,340
in the greater Boston area.
929
00:38:18,340 --> 00:38:20,550
That's probably true.
930
00:38:20,550 --> 00:38:22,635
You sure you don't want
a sweater, Dennis?
931
00:38:22,635 --> 00:38:24,679
No, no.
I work hard on my body.
932
00:38:24,679 --> 00:38:26,139
I want everyone to see it.
933
00:38:26,139 --> 00:38:27,515
So where you gonna go?
934
00:38:27,515 --> 00:38:28,808
I'm going to P-Town.
935
00:38:28,808 --> 00:38:30,435
Got a lot of catching up to do.
936
00:38:30,435 --> 00:38:33,104
Gonna be wild,
nonstop sucking, fucking,
937
00:38:33,104 --> 00:38:34,564
and trucking for this guy.
938
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,067
Goodbye, Bennetts.
939
00:38:55,126 --> 00:38:57,712
Well, I Jesus-ed
the shit out of that one.
940
00:38:57,712 --> 00:38:58,630
You?
941
00:38:58,630 --> 00:38:59,798
You didn't do anything.
942
00:38:59,798 --> 00:39:02,050
Eh, I worked
in mysterious ways.
943
00:39:02,050 --> 00:39:03,301
How?
944
00:39:03,301 --> 00:39:05,261
Where there was only
one set of footprints,
945
00:39:05,261 --> 00:39:06,638
that's where I carried you.
946
00:39:06,638 --> 00:39:08,973
You watched 18 hours
of TV yesterday.
947
00:39:08,973 --> 00:39:10,058
You barely moved.
948
00:39:10,058 --> 00:39:12,394
When it most appears
I'm not Jesus,
949
00:39:12,394 --> 00:39:13,895
that's when you need faith.
950
00:39:13,895 --> 00:39:16,398
Ted, you do know
what happened to Jesus, right?
951
00:39:16,398 --> 00:39:18,358
Yeah, he gave back
the Gobstopper,
952
00:39:18,358 --> 00:39:19,859
and they gave him
the chocolate factory.
953
00:39:19,859 --> 00:39:21,027
I mean, I think
that's what happened.
954
00:39:21,027 --> 00:39:22,779
I'm reading, like,
two books at once.
955
00:39:22,779 --> 00:39:25,448
They nailed him to the cross
and crucified him for our sins.
956
00:39:25,448 --> 00:39:26,491
Wait, what?
957
00:39:26,491 --> 00:39:27,701
It was so nice of him
958
00:39:27,701 --> 00:39:30,286
to let them do that
for us, wasn't it?
959
00:39:30,286 --> 00:39:31,996
- They killed him?
- Yeah.
960
00:39:31,996 --> 00:39:34,290
Oh, shit.
Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.
961
00:39:34,290 --> 00:39:36,084
Wait, maybe I'm Buddha.
962
00:39:36,084 --> 00:39:37,794
Buddha was lazy, right?
963
00:39:37,794 --> 00:39:39,295
♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪
964
00:39:39,295 --> 00:39:40,839
This is a lot of good shit.
965
00:39:40,839 --> 00:39:42,716
Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Dad.
966
00:39:42,716 --> 00:39:44,801
Oh, you're welcome,
John-John.
967
00:39:44,801 --> 00:39:46,219
Hey, thanks for this, Johnny.
968
00:39:46,219 --> 00:39:47,512
I been wanting a Talkboy.
969
00:39:47,512 --> 00:39:50,098
Now I can record
all my thoughts.
970
00:39:50,098 --> 00:39:51,975
Douche.
971
00:39:51,975 --> 00:39:53,143
Douche.
972
00:39:53,143 --> 00:39:54,602
Now I won't forget.
973
00:39:54,602 --> 00:39:57,313
Blaire, open that one up.
That one's from me.
974
00:39:57,313 --> 00:40:01,109
♪ Walking
in a winter wonderland ♪
975
00:40:01,109 --> 00:40:02,569
Gingerly.
976
00:40:02,569 --> 00:40:07,615
♪ Gone away
is the bluebird ♪
977
00:40:07,615 --> 00:40:09,868
Oh... wow.
978
00:40:09,868 --> 00:40:11,578
I know how much
you girls love
979
00:40:11,578 --> 00:40:15,040
those "Beverly Hills 90210"
boys.
980
00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:16,958
Ian Ziering.
981
00:40:16,958 --> 00:40:18,668
Thank you.
982
00:40:18,668 --> 00:40:19,836
It's for your room.
983
00:40:19,836 --> 00:40:21,755
Yeah, no,
I know what it's for.
984
00:40:21,755 --> 00:40:23,506
Thank you, Aunt Suze.
985
00:40:23,506 --> 00:40:25,258
Should we go
hang it up right now?
986
00:40:25,258 --> 00:40:27,802
Oh, you know what?
987
00:40:27,802 --> 00:40:29,137
I want to think really hard
988
00:40:29,137 --> 00:40:30,764
about where I want to put it,
you know?
989
00:40:30,764 --> 00:40:32,223
- OK.
- It's just too special, so...
990
00:40:32,223 --> 00:40:33,600
All right.
991
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:34,768
You happy, Susan?
992
00:40:34,768 --> 00:40:37,270
Oh, Matty, I'm so happy.
I love it.
993
00:40:37,270 --> 00:40:40,440
Yeah, they said this one
had the most sucking power.
994
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:42,609
I'm sure
it sucks wonderfully.
995
00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:46,571
Oh, you know what?
996
00:40:46,571 --> 00:40:49,032
I almost forgot.
997
00:40:49,032 --> 00:40:50,033
There's one more.
998
00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:53,661
♪ When you're in town ♪
999
00:40:53,661 --> 00:40:59,417
♪ Later on, we'll conspire ♪
1000
00:40:59,417 --> 00:41:01,127
♪ As we dream ♪
1001
00:41:01,127 --> 00:41:02,587
Merry Christmas, Susan.
1002
00:41:02,587 --> 00:41:06,466
♪ By the fire ♪
1003
00:41:06,466 --> 00:41:12,972
♪ To face unafraid
the plans that we made ♪
1004
00:41:12,972 --> 00:41:17,310
♪ Walking
in a winter wonderland ♪
1005
00:41:21,106 --> 00:41:23,817
A karaoke machine!
1006
00:41:23,817 --> 00:41:27,654
Yeah, I figured
you could sing...
1007
00:41:27,654 --> 00:41:30,323
you know, your solo.
1008
00:41:32,158 --> 00:41:34,661
I love you so much.
1009
00:41:34,661 --> 00:41:37,997
Oh, honey, thank you.
1010
00:41:37,997 --> 00:41:39,290
Oh.
1011
00:41:48,174 --> 00:41:52,637
♪ Silent night ♪
1012
00:41:52,637 --> 00:41:57,267
♪ Holy night ♪
1013
00:41:57,267 --> 00:42:01,646
♪ All is calm ♪
1014
00:42:01,646 --> 00:42:05,984
♪ All is bright ♪
1015
00:42:05,984 --> 00:42:10,655
♪ Round yon virgin ♪
1016
00:42:10,655 --> 00:42:15,243
♪ Mother and child ♪
1017
00:42:15,243 --> 00:42:18,872
♪ Holy infant ♪
1018
00:42:18,872 --> 00:42:24,044
♪ So tender and mild ♪
1019
00:42:24,044 --> 00:42:28,715
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
1020
00:42:28,715 --> 00:42:33,219
♪ Peace ♪
1021
00:42:33,219 --> 00:42:34,804
♪ Sleep ♪
1022
00:42:34,804 --> 00:42:41,436
♪ In heavenly peace ♪
1023
00:42:44,731 --> 00:42:49,069
♪ Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful ♪
1024
00:42:49,069 --> 00:42:52,322
♪ And yet, alas,
that someone adores you ♪
1025
00:42:53,907 --> 00:42:57,619
♪ Everybody needs
a best friend ♪
1026
00:42:57,619 --> 00:43:00,372
♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪
1027
00:43:00,372 --> 00:43:03,667
♪ I'm just a clown ♪
1028
00:43:03,667 --> 00:43:07,087
♪ And I'll bring you down ♪
1029
00:43:07,087 --> 00:43:13,385
♪ But you just don't care
'cause your ♪
1030
00:43:13,385 --> 00:43:15,220
♪ Best friend is me ♪
72787
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