All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E13 - Tom Tucker The Man and His Dream (Uncensored)-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,

and the reason I'm
wearing this mask

is because we've
got a Make-A-Wish kid
in the studio tonight,

who, as you'll find out
as the show goes on,
is quite a cougher.

In local news,
Mayor West
signed a bill today...

See? That's what I
was talking about.

Are we gonna get that,
or are we gonna
wait for commercial?

No, no,
you have to spray it.
You can't just wipe...

Look, you know what?
Let's just throw
the whole camera out.

Okay, Joyce, you talk now.
I don't even want
to open my mouth.

You know, Tom,
I haven't seen you
in a mask

since you went
under the stage name
George P. Wilbur.

Joyce, you know
we don't talk
about that on the air.

Oh, my God!

Did she just say

that George P. Wilbur
was Tom Tucker's stage name?

Who the hell is
George P. Wilbur?

That's the guy who played
Michael Myers in Halloween 4,

the greatest movie of all time.

I've only seen that movie
about a thousand times.

How could I not
have noticed that?

Good evening, I'm Michael Myers.

I have enormous
psychological problems,

and I'm going to
take them out on you.

It is him.
I can't believe it.

I mean, that's, like,
my favorite movie ever!

I thought The Flintstones
in Viva Rock Vegas
was your favorite movie.

No, that's my
favorite period piece.

Well, that and
Good Night, and Good Luck.

Even though I was tricked
into leaving early.

Good night, and good luck.

And good night and
good luck to you, sir.

Oh, hi, Chris.
How was school?

It was great.
I met a girl, Mom!

That's wonderful, honey.

Yeah, her name is Lindsey,
like the state.

Is she nice?

Yeah, she's really
nice and super pretty,

and her bicycle seat
smells like strawberries.

Oh, okay.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and alternate

between hopeful excitement
and suicidal pessimism!

Got to get the energy up.

Found it.

Hey, excuse me, Mr. Tucker.
You got a second?

Oh, hello, Peter.
Sure, come on in.

Thanks. Hey, listen,
I just found out
that you were the guy

who played Michael Myers
in Halloween 4,

and I just want to say
I think that was

the most brilliant
performance ever

in the history of everything,

and I wanted to see
if you would sign my DVD.

Oh, I suppose.

Thanks.
Hey, so, what happened?

How come you never
did any more movies?

Well, I tried to
make a career out there
in Hollywood,

but I just didn't realize
how tough acting is.

Well, you know what they say,
"Tough Actin' Tinactin."

I wish I'd known that then.

You see, life after Halloween 4

wasn't exactly smooth sailing.

Once I stepped out
from behind that mask,

Hollywood gave me
the cold shoulder.

The work I did manage to get

was usually just bit parts
that didn't last too long.

Like the role of
Denise's boyfriend
on The Cosby Show.

It's nice to meet you, Martin.

Thank you, Mrs. Huxtable.

So, if you guys are a family,

why are none of you
the same shade of black?

I was also
coked out of my skull
most of the time.

But whatever the case,
I was done.

I left Hollywood, moved back
to my hometown of Quahog,

and wound up working here
as a news anchor.

Wow. Well,
don't you miss it?

Every second of every day,
but I can't
touch coke again.

It would ruin my life.

No, I mean acting.

Oh, of course.

But it's over for me.
That's all in the past.

Well, if you ask me,
you got the makings
of a star.

And I want to
help you get there.

Well, that's a nice offer,
but I'm not quite sure
how you expect to do that.

Well, you've brought me
so much joy over the years

as that lovable
murderer of teenagers,

and I want to return the favor.

I don't even have
an agent anymore.

Well, then how about this?

I'll be your agent.
You?

Yeah, I've seen every
episode of Entourage.

All you need is some fake hair

and a bunch of hobbits
hanging around you.

You're on in
five minutes, Mr. Tucker.

You don't belong here.
You're better than this.

You're Halloween 4 better.

Look, I appreciate your offer,

but I've got a pretty good
thing going here.

In a few minutes,
I've got to be on camera
in front of 800 people.

Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight,

The Rhode Island
Historical Society
is heralding the arrival

of a cast-iron, oak-handled
Colonial bed sheet warmer,

now on display in
the State House rotunda.

Okay, there it is.

As I understand it,
they would put
the coal inside of that,

and then put the object
between the sheets.

It was very cold back then.

And it would warm the sheets.

And I think
that's the gist of it.

How much footage
of this do we have?

Oh, this is live.
Can she hear me?

Okay, you can put it down now.

She can't hear me. Okay.

What the hell is going on here?

Is it... Is it...
Am I having a stroke?

Wait, Peter! Don't go!

So, you changed
your mind, huh, buddy?
We going to Hollywood?

You betcha.

But I have to say,
I thought you'd drive
a fancier car.

What? Why?

Well,
aren't you the Peter Griffin
of Peter Griffin Cadillac?

No, that's another guy.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin,
and at
Peter Griffin Cadillac,

we believe in three things,
fair dealing,
family, and friendship.

I've lived in Quahog
my whole life.
I love it here.

And you're gonna love
a Peter Griffin Cadillac.

Scumbag.

All right, Lois,
remember to feed the cat,
and remember to get a cat.

I still don't understand
why you got to go
all the way to Hollywood.

Because I know Tom Tucker
could be a great actor,

and I'm gonna help
him make it happen.

You see, everybody
needs just one person
to believe in their dreams

so they can spread
their wings and fly.

Dad, can I have money
for dance classes?

Sit down,
you dumpy bread loaf.
I'd pay to see you not dance.

When will you be back?
I don't know.

But I'll be sure
to be back before

Chris' big dance class recital.

I believe in that boy.

I don't want to dance!

You'll dance!

Boy, I don't know, Peter,
being back out here
makes me kind of nervous.

Maybe this was all a mistake.

Don't be silly, Tom.
You're an actor, and
this is where you belong.

Now, let's take
some of this complimentary
luggage and get going.

Well, so, how do we do this?

You do nothing.

You just sit back
and let your agent

knock on every door in Hollywood

till he gets you an acting job.

And that starts right now.

Yes? Can I help you?

No, but I can help you.
You need to hire this man.

Oh, um, okay.
Well, do you have any
experience handling bags?

A-ha! I see!
Typical casting couch stuff.

All right,
kid, you want to make it
in showbiz or don't you?

I thought the airport
was Hollywood.

Hey, Mom, I want you
to meet my new girlfriend.

New girlfriend?

Yeah, you remember
that girl Lindsey
I told you about?

Well, I asked her out,
and now we are dating.

Lindsey, this is my mom,
my little brother Stewie
and my dog Brian.

Hey.

Oh, my God.

My goodness, look at you.
Do you even realize
who you look like?

Cameron Diaz, that's who.
You are gorgeous!

Well, she's awful pretty.
I know that, Mom.

Very pretty.
Stunning.

Are you kidding me?
Are they not seeing this?

I know, it's kind of creepy.
It's almost like
he's dating Lois.

Yeah. Looks like
somebody's getting
a little Oedipussy.

Can we say that?
Just did.

All right, Tom,
what better way to relaunch
your showbiz career

than getting inspired
by the names on the
Hollywood Walk of Fame?

Ah, look at them all!

Tilson Jennings, Vilma Banky.

There's Chester Conklin,
Ona Munson.

Ralph Staub,
Henry B. Walthall.

Who the fuck are these people?

All right, Tom,
this is totally
gonna work.

All the biggest
Hollywood players
eat here,

and we just got
to make them think
we're one of them.

That's why I got these
old Hollywood Jew glasses.

Waiter! Oh, waiter!

Yes, sir. Are you
gentlemen ready to order?

Yes, I will have
the Big and Fancy,

and my client here will have
a bottle of your best steak.

Right away, sir.

Peter, I'm not sure
what any of this

has to do with
getting me acting jobs.

Tom, who's the agent here?

You are.

And who is the actor?
Well, I am.

Wait, which one
am I, again?
The agent.

And who's paying for dinner?

I assumed you were.

Ah, then we best
load our pockets
with bread

and get the hell out of here.

We have to go!
Not expensive enough!

Excuse me,
I couldn't help but notice

your glasses,
your poor table manners,

and your huge
sense of entitlement.

Are you an agent?
I am.

You've got 10 seconds
to dazzle me. Go!

Well, I'm
the casting director
for NCIS,

and we need an actor
for a small role
that shoots tomorrow.

This is your man.

That's great!
He's got just
the look we're after.

Show up here
at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

How about that, huh, Tom?
You're back in the business.

Wow, Peter, I can't believe it!

Hey, don't be so surprised.
I've been pounding
the pavement for you, buddy.

I even gave out
all my business cards.

Call me!
Call me! Call me! Call me!
Call me! Call me! Call me!

Ah, show business.

Hi, you two.

You know, Lindsey,
I just want to
say how nice it is

to have such
a beautiful young woman
in our home.

Oh, a baby. I almost
had one of you twice.

Who didn't, right?

So, what are you two
up to tonight?

Well, we really
haven't decided yet.

Eh, I'll think of something

while I'm
taking a chick dump in
your parents' bathroom.

And I will hold your purse.

Good for Chris, huh?
He picked a peach,
didn't he?

Didn't he pick a peach, Brian?

Yeah, I don't know.

What's not to know,
she's terrific.

Lois, don't you think maybe
part of
the reason you like Lindsey

could be because she looks
so much like you?

What?
What are you
talking about?

Come on, she's clearly
an awful person.

And I think it's possible
that your vanity

has made you
a little blind to that.

Oh, I see what's
going on here,
you're jealous.

Chris has
a wonderful young woman
in his life,

and you've got nothing.

She's kind of right, Brian.

All you've got is
a worn-out rope toy

and that squirrel who
comes by once a day
to taunt you.

Hey! Hey, get out of here!
This is our yard!

You don't belong there!
Don't you touch anything!

I told you all this yesterday!

To your first big TV acting job.

We now return to NCIS.

Oh, here it is.
Here comes my part.

Excuse me.
I'm looking
for Ed Manzelli.

Good evening,
I'm Ed Manzelli.
What can I do for you?

I'm looking for a guy
who used to work here.

Name's Mario.
Got any idea
where he could be?

I haven't seen him
in over a month.

That's the end of my line.
Your line, NCIS.

You son of a bitch,
you made me feel again.

Oh, don't you go,
'cause I'll go.

You know, Peter,
I just want to thank you
for all you've done for me.

You are one hell of an agent.

Well, with you
as a client, it's easy.

Mr. Griffin?
Yes, Sandra?

You have a secretary?

She calls herself
an assistant, but yes.

What is it, Sandra?

There's a man here to see you.

He says he
wants to talk to you
about being his agent.

Really? Well, then,
by all means,
send him in!

Hey, knucklebutts!

James Woods?

But I don't understand!

I thought you were dead!

Well, I'm not.

I don't believe you.

God, is that true? God?

God, are you there?

Come on,
don't touch yourself.
You're God.

I don't get it.
Last time we saw you,

Diane Simmons had
just stabbed you
in the back with a knife.

Yeah! How the hell
did you come back
to life?

Well, gentlemen, sometimes being

a big Hollywood star
has its advantages.

Hey, is this guy somebody?

Yeah, that's James Woods!

We got a celebrity here!
I repeat, this is not
a normal dead person!

This is a celebrity!

Being a famous movie star

entitled me to
top-notch medical care

not available to
the rest of society.

My body was immediately
taken to
a Hollywood hospital,

where I was hooked up
to a 17-year-old ingenue.

And in accordance
with Hollywood law,

her life force
was infused into me,

bringing me back from the dead.

What happened to the girl?

I threw her
out a car window
at Nora Ephron.

Stop making
Jack Nicholson a homo!

You're thinking of Nancy Meyers!

You're the same thing!

Wow. That's amazing.

So, what do you say, Peter?
Will you be my agent?

I don't get it. Why would
a big shot like you
want me for an agent?

Because you're
an up-and-comer,
because you're hungry.

I am hungry.

But you put me and my family
through a lot of crap
over the years.

Why would I want to help you?

Well, because you're my agent.

Oh, my God,
you're right!
I am!

Hey, hold on now.
You came out here
to be my agent.

Tom, relax,
I can take care
of you both.

You'd be surprised
how much I can handle.

Peter, I need you
to drop Stewie off
at day care,

and then shred
this big stack of old
bank statements.

You got it, Lois.

Is he always this quiet?

So, Kevin made
another attempt
on his life last night.

He drank two bottles
of dish soap.

Well, we have some news, too.

Chris is dating
the most wonderful girl.

You know, everyone said,
"Don't smoke
during your pregnancy,"

but I think some of it
rubbed off on him
'cause now he's cool.

That's nice.
Well, I should go, Lois.

Yeah, I should probably
get going myself.

Oh, my God!

What? What is it, Lois?

That girl over there,
that's Chris' girlfriend!

Hey, you know,
she kind of
looks like you, Lois.

Maybe she'll thank me
for buying the coffee.

You think she
looks like me, too?

Oh, my God.
I'm starting to think
Brian was right.

Maybe I have been blinded
by my own stupid vanity.

That girl is
nothing but trouble.

Are you gonna tell Chris?

I guess I'll have to,
but he doesn't take
bad news very well.

Oh, Chris, honey,
I'm so sorry
to tell you this,

but your grandfather died.

All right, gentlemen.
So, what do you
got for my client?

Well, we're making
a mediocre action film,

and we think
James is just the guy

to do a serviceable job
in a supporting role
that Jeremy Irons,

Jeff Goldblum
and Craig T. Nelson
have already passed on.

Well, we'd need to
see a script first.

Looks good.
What do you think, James?

I like it.
Good. I say
we move on this.

All right,
then, let's negotiate.
We want everything.

We'll give you nothing.
We want something.

Deal.

Ugh, not this hillbilly
from Rhode Island again.
No, thank you.

This is Peter Griffin,
famous agent,

but you can call me PG-13.

Ba-boom! Leave a message.

Hi, Peter, it's Tom.
Just trying to
reach you again.

And, you know,
about that meeting

you set up with
me and Heath Ledger,

he never showed.

Maybe I was at the wrong
Panda Express, but I...

Anyway, call me back.

Hey, listen,
thanks for inviting
me to lunch, Peter.

I was starting to get
nervous when you weren't
returning my calls.

Tom, I didn't know
how to say this to you,

so, here,
take this piece of paper.

And you're on
in four, three, two...

"Peter Griffin
drops Tom Tucker
as a client."

You're dropping me as a client?

Yeah, I just heard it
on the news.

How could you do this?

Look, it's a
whole different landscape
out here since Thursday.

Everything's on computers now.

Peter, I left
a very good job
for this!

You're the only reason
I came back out here!

I wish I could help you,
Tom, but this is
coming from upstairs.

The karate studio?

Tom, I have to go now.

But if you're
ever Kevin James,
I want you to give me a call.

Hello?

Peter, it's me, Woodsy!

I need a favor.

What?
It's, like, 2:00 a.m.

Yeah, so listen,
I'm at Chateau Marmont.

I just met this
18-year-old chick,

and I can't decide
whether to take her home

or keep doing blow
with Tom Sizemore

and see if I can do
better later in the night.

Well, okay.
Do you love her?

What? Look,
I'm texting you
her picture.

Just tell me if you
think she's hot enough.

What is this a picture of?
Is that the bottom
of a white pumpkin?

Is she hot or not?

I guess.
Okay, good, great.

So clear out of
your apartment,
we're gonna be there in 15.

What? I'm sleeping.
Why can't you bring
her to your place?

I don't know, man.
It's my aunt's daughter.
It's weird.

Chris,
honey, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

Why, sure, Mom.
Come on in.

Chris, you know your
girlfriend, Lindsey?

Yeah?

Well, honey,
I saw her making out
with another boy.

Was she kissing
with her mouth,
or her pants-mouth?

Because she does both.

Chris, I can't believe
you knew about this!
That's terrible!

Why would you even
date a girl like that?

Well, because I thought
she'd be like you.

Like me?

Well, you got to admit, Mom,
she does look a lot like you.

I mean, I just
look at you and Dad,
you know?

He's a complete train wreck,
and you put up with him.

And I'm no prize myself.

So, I guess I figured
if I don't find
a girl just like you,

I might never find anyone.

Oh, Chris, of course
you'll find someone.
And you are a prize.

You're a handsome,
kind-hearted young man,

and any girl would be lucky
to have you in her life.

You really think so?

Of course I do, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

Now I'm gonna
take the child filter
off the computer,

and I want you to
have a fun night.

Okay, this is it, James.
I got your next
project right here.

Peter, you've pitched me
dozens of projects,

and all of them involve me
playing a hayride driver.

I don't know,
I just see you doing that.

You know,
this year, it's vampires,
next year, it's hay.

These things go in cycles.

Peter, this is probably
a good time to fire you.

What?

Come on, Peter,
who are we kidding?

You're a one-man operation.
You know me,
I need a whole crew.

I need a drugs guy,
a girls guy, a fitness guy,

"a guy with a boat
who can dump stuff
way out there" kind of guy.

But you're my only client!
Without you, I'm ruined!

Well, that's show business.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to answer
this fake phone call.

Hello?
Grimace from McDonald's?

Sorry, Peter,
I got to take this.

No, I understand.

Hey, Tom.
How you doing?

What do you want?

James Woods fired me.

Listen, I've been thinking.
I was a real jerk to you.

I dragged you out here,
only to dump you
when you needed me the most.

I guess what I'm saying
is I'm really sorry
about everything.

Sorry doesn't cut it, Peter.

I quit my job,
I left everything behind
to come out here.

I know, but I was
just trying to help.

I never wanted to let you down.

Well,
I suppose your only crime
is that you believed in me.

And then stopped
believing in me
rather abruptly.

So what do you say?
You ready to go back
to where we both belong?

Yup. Let's go home.

Sounds good.

Hey, check out this picture
James Woods texted me.

What is that?
A balloon
running out of air?

Yeah, see,
I was hoping you
would know.

It's his cousin's anus.

Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Tom, I think I
speak for all of us here
at Channel Five News

when I say it's good
to have you back here at
half your original salary.

Still twice yours, Joyce.

Our top story tonight,

Quahog's first
organic supermarket
opens this weekend.

So head on down
before the gays turn it
into a cruising ground

like they did
the Barnes & Noble
upstairs coffee bar,

which they had to close.

Well, I'm just happy
Tom got his job back.

But I'm sorry I missed
meeting your girlfriend,
Chris.

That's okay, Dad.

Yeah, Chris, I never asked you.

What did Lindsey say
when you broke up with her?

She didn't seem to mind.

I think she already moved
on to someone else.

Thanks for buying me
these clothes, Glenn.

You're welcome.
And you're dismissed.

Do I still get to keep the 20?