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00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:04,091
♪♪ [theme]
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HAWKEYE: What do you know?
The foot bone is connected
to the leg bone.
3
00:00:56,665 --> 00:00:58,797
B.J.: No iron
deficiency in this kid.
4
00:00:58,841 --> 00:01:01,626
I'm beginning to think my M.D.
stands for metal detector.
5
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:03,280
HAWKEYE: Wouldn't you
just love to see
6
00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:05,630
a tennis elbow
or a simple case of warts?
7
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:08,981
Case of warts? No, thanks.
Six-pack is all I can handle.
8
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Will this drollery
never cease?
9
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Attention, personnel.
10
00:01:13,203 --> 00:01:14,987
Charles has just called
a cease drollery.
11
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:16,424
[laughing]
12
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,121
Lieutenant, if you're
through laughing,
13
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:19,470
could you give me
the tape I asked for?
14
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:20,993
You didn't ask for tape,
sir.
15
00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:22,778
Don't give me any excuses,
just give me the tape.
16
00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:24,606
Begging your pardon,
sir, you didn't
ask her for any tape.
17
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:25,781
Who asked you?
18
00:01:25,824 --> 00:01:27,087
Greetings. I bet
19
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,001
you miss the peace
and quiet of combat.
20
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What's your name?
21
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:32,744
Conway, sir.
Private Paul Conway.
22
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:35,356
Well, Private Paul Conway,
no broken bones,
23
00:01:35,399 --> 00:01:39,099
but your simple torn ligaments
have simply made my day.
24
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:41,144
This is the kind of injury
that makes me homesick.
25
00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,276
Let's go. Come on.
26
00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:44,408
I feel like a civilian doctor.
27
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:45,801
Margaret, pass me my putter
28
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,455
and see this man is
charged an arm and a leg.
29
00:01:47,498 --> 00:01:49,021
Make sure
it's the good leg.
30
00:01:49,065 --> 00:01:51,633
Doctors, all combat injuries
should be taken seriously.
31
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:53,243
But I wasn't hurt in combat.
32
00:01:53,287 --> 00:01:54,940
I thought you just
came in off the line.
33
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:56,377
I did, but what happened was
34
00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:59,293
when we got
the signal to move out,
35
00:01:59,336 --> 00:02:00,816
I fell in a foxhole.
36
00:02:00,859 --> 00:02:02,165
[Hawkeye, B.J. laughing]
37
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,558
No more jokes, huh, doctors?
38
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:05,342
He feels bad enough already.
39
00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:07,301
Why, Margaret, this is a side
of you I've never seen.
40
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:09,216
Not even when
the shower curtain fell.
41
00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:11,348
Why don't you people
just tend to your knittin'?
42
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,045
I'm sorry, Colonel,
43
00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:15,352
but this guy's ankle
has tickled my funny bone.
44
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:18,442
A body not sublet by bullet,
grenade, or mortar
45
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:20,575
demands comment
if not a standing ovation.
46
00:02:20,618 --> 00:02:22,185
It's just common decency
47
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,883
not to laugh at another
person's misfortune.
48
00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:26,494
You're not gonna
believe this one.
49
00:02:26,537 --> 00:02:28,278
Two broken collarbones.
50
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:31,412
Poor guy was in a foxhole
when some clown fell on him.
51
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,196
[Margaret laughing]
52
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,416
Margaret, a little
common decency, please.
53
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:38,767
Radar, thank God it's you.
I've called all over Tokyo.
54
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:41,030
Klinger, I told you
the last time you called me,
55
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,205
I don't wanna talk to you.
56
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:44,207
-Good-bye.
-Please.
57
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:46,470
I'm climbing the walls
trying to do your job and--
58
00:02:46,514 --> 00:02:48,516
-[laughter]
-What's that noise?
59
00:02:48,559 --> 00:02:50,561
Hey, there's a big party
going on here, you know.
60
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:52,346
Tokyo's a wild place.
61
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:53,869
Livin' it up pretty good, huh?
62
00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:55,218
I would be
if you wouldn't keep
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00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:56,567
disturbing my festivising.
64
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,047
Reach my wife yet?
65
00:02:58,090 --> 00:02:59,875
I'm working on it, sir.
Really trying.
66
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:04,096
I don't want you trying.
I want you succeeding!
67
00:03:04,140 --> 00:03:06,055
You hear that, Radar?
68
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,231
I don't know what's wrong
between the colonel
and Mrs. Potter,
69
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:10,233
but he's driving me crazy.
70
00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,235
[imitating Potter]
Did you reach my wife yet?
71
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,759
For three days,
no one answers at her house.
Where else can she be?
72
00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:17,893
Well, she plays canasta
at Willa Norman's on Tuesday,
73
00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:20,374
and bridge at Edna Hazeltine's
on Thursdays,
74
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,550
unless Mr. Hazeltine's
lumbago is acting up,
75
00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,421
and then they go
to Muriel Barlow's.
76
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,162
Let the phone ring.
She drinks.
77
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,598
Listen, can I go now?
78
00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:29,426
This call is
disturbing the party.
79
00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:32,386
Muriel Barlow's.
I feel like a census taker.
80
00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:34,388
POTTER:
Is that my wife, Klinger?
81
00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:38,609
Uh, the lines got crossed,
sir. I'm talking to Guam.
82
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:42,178
Ask them
if they've seen Mildred.
83
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,701
Okay, Radar, I got it.
84
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:46,008
But can you cut one R
out of your R & R
85
00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:48,010
and come back now, please?
86
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:50,012
Look,just don't
bug me anymore.
87
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:51,970
I got too much
wildness going on here
88
00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:54,016
to answer any of your
dumb questions.
89
00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:56,453
Say hi to Colonel Potter
and Hawkeye. Bye.
90
00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:57,933
Bye.
91
00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:01,676
[loud chattering]
92
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:06,028
Hey! Knock off the noise
in there, will ya?
93
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:08,770
There's people on
R & R over here.
94
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,775
Resting and reading.
95
00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:15,472
Okay, Klinger,
you're surrounded.
96
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:17,213
When are we gonna get
some fresh laundry?
97
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,780
I just tried to fold
my sheet, and it broke.
98
00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:20,216
Please, I'm eating.
99
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,826
Don't try to play
on our sympathy.
100
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,088
What smells so good?
101
00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:24,699
Gentlemen,
let me introduce you
102
00:04:24,742 --> 00:04:27,310
to a long-lost friend-- food.
103
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,399
If that's food, what's it
doing in the mess tent?
104
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:31,401
Around here, food is what
we play handball with.
105
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:33,403
Two weeks ago, my fork
went over the hill.
106
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,753
Just taste it. Come on.
107
00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:42,107
Mmm. Mmm! Fantastic.
108
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-What is this?
-Spam Parmesan.
109
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:46,242
Spam Parmesan? In Italy,
110
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,852
you can get the death
penalty for that.
111
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:48,810
Taste it. Just taste it.
112
00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:52,727
Oh! Oh!
113
00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:54,642
May I quote you
on that, sir?
114
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,774
If this was a building,
it would be the Taj Mahal.
115
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:58,863
If it was a woman,
it would be
Mrs. Taj Mahal.
116
00:04:58,907 --> 00:05:00,604
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
117
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,214
Are we supposed to believe
118
00:05:02,258 --> 00:05:05,000
that this little bit of heaven
was concocted by our cook?
119
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:07,002
The cook who made "food"
a four-letter word?
120
00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:09,352
I'm getting that bum reassigned
to the garbage detail.
121
00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:10,832
Don't tell the flies.
They'll leave.
122
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,051
I found us a real cook.
123
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:15,837
-Hey, Conway, come here.
-B.J.: Conway?
124
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,273
"Look out below" Conway?
125
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,970
The man whose feet
are all thumbs?
126
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:21,233
He must have stumbled over
this recipe by accident.
127
00:05:21,277 --> 00:05:23,235
He says the secret's
in the sauce.
128
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,064
Gentleman, Chef Paul Conway,
129
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:28,153
fresh from Café Pierre,
New York.
130
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,201
I'm glad you like it.
131
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:33,507
Boy, it's fun to cook again.
132
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,857
Oh, this food
is miraculous.
133
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:38,294
What are you doing
tossing grenades
instead of salads?
134
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,991
I told the personnel
people I was a cook,
135
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,253
and they make me a rifleman.
136
00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:42,603
See? You should have lied.
137
00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,039
I'm a plumber.
Look where they put me.
138
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,562
Yeah. So far
it's worked fine.
139
00:05:45,606 --> 00:05:47,390
Hardly any of his patients
ever spring a leak.
140
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:48,609
And I do my best, honest,
141
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:50,437
but I am such
a rotten soldier.
142
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,135
Whenever I'm carrying my rifle,
the guys will never get near me.
143
00:05:53,178 --> 00:05:55,616
But put a spatula in his hand,
he's Toscanini.
144
00:05:55,659 --> 00:05:57,444
Yeah, I'm comfortable
in the kitchen.
145
00:05:57,487 --> 00:06:00,229
You might say he's
at home on the range.
146
00:06:02,274 --> 00:06:05,060
[laughs] Parmesan.
147
00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:09,064
The meat is a mystery,
but it's definitely Parmesan.
148
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:10,718
Well, now we know
you're good, Conway.
149
00:06:10,761 --> 00:06:12,067
You heard it straight
from the horse's nose.
150
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:14,112
You see, Major,
Conway here was a chef.
151
00:06:14,156 --> 00:06:15,462
Klinger, please,
152
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:18,116
do not shatter
this moment. [sniffs]
153
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,641
Charles, are you going
to eat that Spam or marry it?
154
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:25,297
Sir, if ours were
a truly civilized nation,
you would be king.
155
00:06:25,341 --> 00:06:27,256
Seems to me a clever doctor
could find a way
156
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,953
to hang on to a great
cook like this.
157
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:32,087
Klinger, he can only stay
until his leg is better,
158
00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,437
and then we'll break
the other one.
159
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:37,571
-Five minutes to coq au vin.
-I can hardly wait.
160
00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:39,529
Nothing in my entire life
161
00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:41,749
has provided me
with the sensual ecstasies
162
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:43,751
of last night's
powdered eggs Benedict.
163
00:06:43,794 --> 00:06:46,275
Or the rapture of Tuesday's
chipped beef Wellington.
164
00:06:46,318 --> 00:06:47,450
[laughing]
165
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,713
Ah, what to wear,
what to wear.
166
00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:51,411
Be a trendsetter.
Wear the green.
167
00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:52,542
-You're right.
-[whistling]
168
00:06:52,586 --> 00:06:54,326
Better get a move on, Charles.
169
00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:56,372
You know how crowded
the mess tent is these days.
170
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,330
Gentlemen, please,
171
00:06:58,374 --> 00:07:00,550
anticipation is in itself
a sensory delight,
172
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,857
a moment to be
savored and relished,
173
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:06,164
not to be--
not to be rushed into
and wallowed in,
174
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:08,602
-like swine in a trough.
-Okay, Charles,
175
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:11,169
but you'll be talking out of
the other side of your snout
176
00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:12,997
-if they run out of food.
-I will be there
177
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:14,869
when I am appropriately
groomed and dressed.
178
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:16,392
Let him groom.
The less he eats,
179
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,698
the more there is
for us.
180
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:19,308
I like you.
You're devious.
181
00:07:19,351 --> 00:07:22,050
Maybe I am
and maybe I'm not.
182
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,573
♪♪ [soft]
183
00:07:23,617 --> 00:07:26,620
Table of six for Corporal
Herbert. Thank you.
184
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:29,840
Come back again, please.
Table 4 is open.
185
00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,060
Excuse me. Would you
look at this crowd?
186
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,801
More people than yesterday.
187
00:07:33,844 --> 00:07:35,498
Never fear, the headwaiter
is an old army buddy of mine.
188
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:36,847
Names, please?
189
00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:38,762
Klinger, when are we
gonna get a table?
190
00:07:38,806 --> 00:07:40,416
-We're starving.
-I'd like to eat dinner
before breakfast.
191
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,678
I'm sorry.
We're booked solid.
192
00:07:41,722 --> 00:07:43,506
Perhaps you might do
a little shopping.
193
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,987
Come back in an hour.
Will that be a party
of two?
194
00:07:46,030 --> 00:07:48,990
You're gonna have a party
of five on your nose
if we don't get some food.
195
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:51,732
Look, Captain,
this is the opportunity
of a lifetime for me.
196
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:54,735
That kid is an artist.
All he needs to make it big
is the proper management.
197
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:56,345
You wouldn't happen
to have somebody in mind?
198
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:58,086
He cooks. I promote.
199
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,653
We're gonna open our own
place after the war--
200
00:07:59,696 --> 00:08:01,481
Chez Klinger.
201
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:04,005
Toledo is crying
for another four-star
restaurant.
202
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:06,007
The other one closed
when all the pinboys quit.
203
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:08,009
Look, Chez,
just get us a table.
204
00:08:08,052 --> 00:08:10,011
You gotta wait your turn.
No exceptions.
205
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:11,229
Max, good evening.
206
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:12,404
Ah, Major Winchester
207
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:13,928
and Mrs. Winchester
du jour.
208
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:16,365
-Your table's ready.
-My dear.
209
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:19,020
Right this way, please.
Wine list. Back. Back.
210
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,543
I think we just saw
a new dance:
211
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:21,849
the Lebanese fast shuffle.
212
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:24,112
-Very big in Boston.
-Ah-ah-ah!
213
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:25,330
What about no exceptions?
214
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:27,376
Not to mention
booked solid.
215
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:30,292
Well, the major and I
have an, uh, arrangement.
216
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:34,557
If one wishes V.I.P. treatment,
there are ways.
217
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:37,473
Oh, I understand.
218
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,389
-There's a good way. I feel
a table opening up now.
-All right.
219
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:42,391
-Follow me, please.
-All we had to do
was cross his palm
220
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:43,958
with his shoulder blade.
221
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,743
There you are, gentlemen:
our fireside table.
222
00:08:46,787 --> 00:08:48,745
-The stove?
-Too bad it's not lit.
223
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,747
After dinner, we could
have warmed our feet
and whittled.
224
00:08:50,791 --> 00:08:52,619
Yeah, your first course
will be along in a moment.
225
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:55,099
If you need me,
ask for Lefty.
226
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:56,840
You can always tell
a chic restaurant
227
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,450
by how smartly
everyone's dressed.
228
00:08:58,494 --> 00:08:59,843
And the number of
jeeps parked in front.
229
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,192
Do you think
we can join you?
230
00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:02,629
We've been waiting
a long time.
231
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:04,239
I've been on shorter fasts.
232
00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:07,459
-Our stove is your stove.
-Fresh rolls.
233
00:09:07,503 --> 00:09:09,636
-Roll, Father?
-Oh, no, no, thank you.
234
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:13,030
My cassock is getting
a little tight
in the vestibule.
235
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:15,598
-Mmm. Mmm.
-You said a mouthful, Margaret.
236
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:19,036
Ah, Colonel Potter.
Care to share our stove?
237
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,691
-Roll, Colonel?
-No, thanks. Just the coffee.
238
00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,693
You know, I haven't seen you
eat anything in days.
239
00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:25,695
That's what happens
when you're not hungry.
240
00:09:25,739 --> 00:09:27,654
A good meal might
make you feel better.
241
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:30,352
Why is everybody poking
their nose into my stomach?
242
00:09:30,395 --> 00:09:32,615
It's just that Private
Conway's preparations
243
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,530
are sinfully delicious.
244
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,271
Why is he still here?
He oughta be recuperating
245
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,012
down in Seoul
like everybody else.
246
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,927
Trouble is, Colonel,
we send him down to Seoul,
247
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,668
-they send him back to combat.
-Well, what's wrong with that?
248
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:43,365
You've had your fun.
You've stuffed your faces.
249
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:44,540
But the game's over.
250
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,846
It's not just the food.
251
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,543
In combat,
the man's a menace.
252
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,284
You put him back on the front
line, he'll trip over it.
253
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:50,546
Colonel, I ask you--
254
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,200
Are these the buns
of a warrior?
255
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:55,029
Cooking seems to be
Conway's true vocation.
256
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:56,770
When you're wearing
a green tuxedo,
257
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,467
you dance
where they tell ya.
258
00:09:58,510 --> 00:09:59,947
Oh, but, Colonel,
in this case,
259
00:09:59,990 --> 00:10:01,426
perhaps the army
has made an error.
260
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:03,298
Private Conway
really doesn't belong
261
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,691
in an infantry company.
262
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:07,128
Damn it! Nobody said
this was easy.
263
00:10:07,171 --> 00:10:09,086
None of us are
where we wanna be.
264
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:11,088
See this?
It's from my wife.
265
00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:13,090
I'm breaking my bunions
over here,
266
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:16,137
and she's nagging me,
via airmail, to come home.
267
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,922
My whole marriage
might be fading
into the sunset,
268
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:21,316
but I'm still doing my job.
269
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:23,579
So Conway can just
suck it in and do his.
270
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:27,278
Now get that man's tail
back on the line pronto!
271
00:10:34,459 --> 00:10:36,070
-Sir, I got her! I got her!
-Mildred?
272
00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:39,029
No, sir, I got
the operator in Hannibal.
273
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:42,293
That's the closest
I've been so far.
274
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:44,078
Hello. This is Colonel Potter.
275
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,297
Yes, I'm really in Korea.
276
00:10:46,341 --> 00:10:47,951
I'm over here
making the world safe
277
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,953
for bad phone service.
278
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:52,434
Well, you people must be
pushing the wrong buttons.
279
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,436
I've been calling
for five days.
280
00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:57,004
She's gotta be home sometime.
281
00:10:57,047 --> 00:11:00,311
Your best isn't good enough.
Do better!
282
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:02,574
Of course I'm yelling.
Wouldn't you?
283
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:06,753
My wife is calling me selfish,
inconsiderate, and thoughtless.
284
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:09,016
Who asked you?
285
00:11:09,059 --> 00:11:11,758
Hello? Hello? Damn it.
286
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:12,933
Hi.
287
00:11:12,976 --> 00:11:14,195
I'm busy, Pierce.
288
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,023
I need some advice.
289
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:18,155
See, I have this friend
who has a personal problem,
290
00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:19,853
and I just don't know
how to tell him
291
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,550
if he's willing to talk,
I'd be happy to listen.
292
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:23,204
Hawkeye, I appreciate
your concern,
293
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:25,510
but the best thing you can
do for me is leave me alone.
294
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:26,816
Might help
to open up a little.
295
00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:29,297
No, I gotta think this one
out myself, solo.
296
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:30,559
Okay, but if you
change your mind,
297
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:31,734
I'm the first ear on the left.
298
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,257
Boy, you people take the cake.
299
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,390
First you're military
personnel experts.
300
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,087
Now you're all
marriage counselors.
301
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:38,436
Everybody needs a hobby.
302
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,960
I think
we'd all be better off
303
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,526
if we just did our jobs
304
00:11:41,570 --> 00:11:43,006
and let other people take care
305
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,442
of their own personal
problems, okay?
306
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:46,096
Okay, fine.
I just thought maybe--
307
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,794
Good of you to drop by,
Pierce.
308
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,839
Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got a patient to check.
309
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:52,494
I'm not as versatile
as everyone else around here.
310
00:11:52,537 --> 00:11:54,670
I'm just a doctor.
311
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,890
Captain, try viewing this
312
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:58,456
as an exercise
in common sense.
313
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,241
What the hell are you
doing? What is this?
314
00:12:00,284 --> 00:12:01,633
I can only guess
they're reenacting
315
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,200
the life
of Alexander Graham Bell.
316
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,507
Charles is just getting through
to Don Ameche, Colonel.
317
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:06,900
What's going on here,
Klinger?
318
00:12:06,943 --> 00:12:08,466
Well, I-I, uh,
319
00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:09,990
think an officer could
explain it better, sir.
320
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:12,079
Thanks.
321
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:13,994
You're talking to
the adjutant general's
office, right?
322
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,256
About that Conway kid,
right?
323
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,910
Colonel,
surely you realize--
324
00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:19,129
-Against my direct
orders, right?
-Conway is misplaced--
325
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,783
Say "Right,"
Winchester.
326
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:22,306
Right.
327
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:24,961
-The phone.
-Right.
328
00:12:25,005 --> 00:12:26,354
That's telling him,
Charles.
329
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:28,965
Hello. This is Colonel Potter.
330
00:12:29,009 --> 00:12:31,315
That was Major Winchester.
331
00:12:31,359 --> 00:12:33,491
I know that,
but he's a good doctor.
332
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,493
All right, Captain,
let's can the palaver.
333
00:12:35,537 --> 00:12:37,495
Just get me General Haggerty
right now.
334
00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:39,541
I've never been
so insulted in my life.
335
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:40,977
God knows I've tried.
336
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:42,979
You tried the old badger
game too, didn't you?
337
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,851
Keep the old badger
busy in his office
338
00:12:44,894 --> 00:12:47,157
while the rest of the gang
pulls the switcheroo.
339
00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:49,072
Come on, Colonel,
you know me better than that.
340
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,509
Honestly, Colonel,
Pierce didn't know
we were doing this.
341
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:53,555
Bud, Sherman Potter.
342
00:12:53,598 --> 00:12:56,166
Does your group
have time to waste
playing musical soldiers?
343
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,907
Of course they don't.
Besides,
344
00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,474
If anyone's transferring
out of here,
345
00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:00,823
it's gonna be yours truly.
346
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:02,607
I've had it
with this hellhole.
347
00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:04,914
I'd just as soon chuck
the whole kit and caboodle.
348
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:07,569
No, I'm not on the sauce.
I'm dead-dog serious.
349
00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:12,487
There. Went right to the top,
the A.G. himself.
350
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:15,403
Used all my powers
of persuasion. Didn't work.
351
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:19,189
The Conway thing is now over.
Finished. Finito.
352
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:22,149
So stick to medicine
and get back to work.
353
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,457
And, Klinger, you get
my wife on the phone,
354
00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:29,069
or you'll be bunking
in the latrine permanently.
355
00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:33,813
-What did he say?
-All I heard was "latrine."
356
00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:36,032
I distinctly heard him say
"Chuck this kit and caboodle."
357
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:37,773
I don't believe this.
358
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,949
He actually thinks I went
in there just to con him.
359
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:42,082
What on earth is
the matter with the man?
360
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,387
I don't know. If he
wouldn't tell me before,
361
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:44,736
he's sure
not gonna tell me now.
362
00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:46,129
Of course
he's not telling you
363
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:47,652
because you all
pussyfoot around him
364
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,176
as if he were
a vestal virgin.
365
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:50,960
You must appeal to his sense
of logic and common sense.
366
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:52,701
You march into his tent.
367
00:13:52,744 --> 00:13:54,790
You demand to know why
he's behaving like an ass.
368
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,096
You're
our resident authority
369
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:57,880
on behaving like an ass,
Charles.
370
00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,273
-You want to talk to him?
-All right, I will.
371
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:00,622
Are you crazy?
372
00:14:00,665 --> 00:14:02,145
Let him go, Margaret.
373
00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:03,886
Sincerity didn't work.
Maybe pomposity will.
374
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:05,540
Absolutely not.
375
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:08,586
Colonel Potter is
a sensible, mature man.
376
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:11,241
He can work it out,
himself.
377
00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:13,591
Leave him alone
if he doesn't want to talk.
378
00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:16,464
Leave me alone.
I don't wanna talk.
379
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:19,902
Sir, you have
to talk to me.
380
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,035
-Why?
-Because I'm a woman,
381
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:24,689
and I can tell you what
it's like for a woman
382
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:26,691
to be away from
the man she loves.
383
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:29,085
I've had a lot of experience
in that area.
384
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:31,392
I know that, Margaret,
and I know you're
trying to help,
385
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,916
but you really oughta
be talking to Mildred.
386
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,659
She tells me
she's all by herself
watching her life go by.
387
00:14:37,702 --> 00:14:40,662
She thought by now we'd be
in some cushy stateside post,
388
00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:42,925
looking at the sunset
in the same hemisphere.
389
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:45,928
She knew she was
marrying a soldier.
390
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,017
I proposed to her
in combat boots.
391
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:49,714
Well, she probably
hoped to find them
392
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:52,717
under the bed
a little more often.
393
00:14:52,761 --> 00:14:55,198
When a woman is lonely for
her man and he's not there,
394
00:14:55,242 --> 00:14:56,634
the reasons don't matter.
395
00:14:56,678 --> 00:14:59,333
You just know you're alone,
396
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:01,683
and you get angry.
397
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:06,340
I know I did. I'd write Donald
terrible, hateful letters.
398
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:10,170
I'd say the most awful things.
399
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:12,346
And then the next day,
I'd write him again
400
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:14,348
and tell him how much
I loved him.
401
00:15:14,391 --> 00:15:15,784
And you know something?
402
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:19,483
Both letters were saying
exactly the same thing--
403
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:20,920
that I needed him.
404
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:23,966
Margaret.
405
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:30,277
All I'm saying
is that it takes
406
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,932
a lot of care
and understanding,
407
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:36,152
to pull a marriage
through the tough times.
408
00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:38,372
Even one that's lasted
40 years.
409
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,592
I appreciate your help,
Margaret.
410
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,464
I just hope you're right.
411
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:56,956
Say there, I--
412
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:00,829
Is that a tuxedo?
413
00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:03,005
Of course. It's after 6:00.
414
00:16:03,049 --> 00:16:05,399
But don't feel bad.
Black tie is optional here.
415
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,401
-Are you trying to be cute?
-Oh, no, sir.
416
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,794
If I was trying to be cute,
I'd wear a backless formal.
417
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:13,407
-I'm General Haggerty.
-Haggerty. Haggerty.
418
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:17,019
-You have a reservation?
-Where's Colonel Potter?
419
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:20,892
Of course, the Potter party.
Table 7. Right this way.
420
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,984
You better be in the USO.
421
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:27,812
Sherm! Hey!
422
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:30,990
Bud, you old pack mule.
What a surprise.
423
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:34,297
[laughs] I see you've met
Private Enterprise.
424
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:36,430
Now say hi to a couple
of top cutters:
425
00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:38,649
Captains Hunnicutt and Pierce.
426
00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:41,348
-Boys, this is
General Haggerty.
-Haggerty?
427
00:16:41,391 --> 00:16:43,306
As in Adjutant
General Haggerty?
428
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:45,265
Adjutant General Haggerty.
429
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,745
-POTTER: That's right.
-It's a long drive from H.Q.
430
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,182
You must be starved
431
00:16:49,225 --> 00:16:51,445
from processing all
those forms and things.
432
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:54,013
Klinger, uh, can we
transfer some food in here?
433
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,015
Oh, yeah. Let's go
rustle up some grub.
434
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:58,017
I hope you don't mind
potluck, General.
435
00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:59,931
No, no, no.
Anything is fine.
436
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:01,933
Well, Bud,
what brings you up here?
437
00:17:01,977 --> 00:17:04,980
A strange call
I got yesterday, Sherm.
438
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,287
All I got in was a hello
and two buts.
439
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,506
Yeah, I guess
I was a little terse.
440
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:12,335
Well, if that was terse,
I'd hate to see testy.
441
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:16,165
Sherman, you look
as tired as I feel.
442
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:19,255
Why don't I finagle us
a little R & R in Tokyo, huh?
443
00:17:19,299 --> 00:17:21,910
Paint the town
red, white, and blue
like in the old days.
444
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:23,868
No, I'd be crying in my sake.
445
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,435
Come on. It'd be a ball.
446
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:27,089
We'll take the USO guy
along for laughs.
447
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:29,483
Forget it. I'm in no mood
for partying.
448
00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:33,095
Uh-huh. Something's
bothering you.
449
00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,228
All right, let's get it
out in the open.
450
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:36,838
Now don't you start, Bud.
451
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:39,319
Sherm, we go back
to basic training days.
452
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:42,583
I know you. You're not
like this. Talk to me.
453
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,715
Well, maybe you're right.
454
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:46,239
You're probably the one guy
455
00:17:46,282 --> 00:17:48,371
with enough mileage
to understand my problem.
456
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:50,634
Aha, your problem.
Now that's better.
457
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:51,679
Now we're getting somewhere.
458
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,074
-Voilà.
-Here you go.
459
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:56,423
Enjoy, General.
460
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,947
Well, thank you, men.
Go ahead, Sherm.
461
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:01,080
-Yeah, please, go ahead.
-Don't stop talking
on our account.
462
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:04,083
It'll feel good to let it out.
We'll go over to my place
463
00:18:04,126 --> 00:18:06,085
and open up a jug
of the good stuff.
464
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:08,130
Yeah, let's do that.
465
00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:09,914
Hey, this is fine chow.
466
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:12,265
You people eat like this
all the time?
467
00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:13,831
Well, things have
picked up around here
468
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:15,877
since Conway got here.
Wouldn't you say so, Beej?
469
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,097
Now that you mention it,
Conway has made a difference.
470
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,402
Come on, chow down.
471
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:20,403
Let's go open
that bottle of scotch.
472
00:18:20,447 --> 00:18:22,405
-Conway.
-Mm-hmm.
473
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:23,972
Run him out here.
I want to meet him.
474
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:26,409
Hey, Klinger, an order
of Conway for table 7.
475
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:28,150
Maybe I'll just
drink it myself.
476
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,457
May I present the Michelangelo
of the mess tent,
477
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,632
Private Paul Conway.
478
00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:32,807
Of Klinger
and Conway--
479
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,330
Paris, Toledo,
and Ouijongbu.
480
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,115
Pleasure to meet you,
sir.
481
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:38,987
Well, the pleasure is mine,
son. This food is fantastic.
482
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:41,511
-Thank you, sir.
-Yeah, we like it too.
We're really gonna miss him.
483
00:18:41,555 --> 00:18:43,948
We're supposed to
be missing him already.
484
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,167
Why? Where's he going?
485
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,603
Right back up
on the front line.
486
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:48,431
What do you mean front lines?
487
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:50,303
He doesn't work here?
He's not your regular cook?
488
00:18:50,346 --> 00:18:51,956
He's nobody's cook,
General.
489
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,697
The man's a foot soldier,
a rifleman.
490
00:18:53,741 --> 00:18:55,134
Well, that's ridiculous--
491
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:56,613
A man who cooks like this,
a rifleman.
492
00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:58,311
Yeah, we were surprised too.
But you know the army--
493
00:18:58,354 --> 00:18:59,660
they got a reason
for everything.
494
00:18:59,703 --> 00:19:01,183
Somebody has to do
something about it.
495
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,228
We were thinking
the same thing,
496
00:19:02,271 --> 00:19:03,229
but what can be done?
497
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:04,665
I'll tell you what.
498
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:06,057
We'll reassign this man.
Change his M.O.S.
499
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:08,973
Change his M.O.S.
What a wonderful idea.
500
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,932
Can you really do that?
501
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:14,414
You bet your buns I can.
Conway,
502
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:17,243
you are now officially
a U.S. Army cook.
503
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,332
[all whooping]
504
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:21,464
Turn in that gun
and draw some butter.
505
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:24,032
Sherman, I don't know
about all you doctors.
506
00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:27,209
All that education
and you just don't know
how to get things done.
507
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:29,255
Yeah, you're absolutely
right, Bud.
508
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:31,213
Yeah, I guess that's
why he's a general
509
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,172
and we're just a bunch
of silly surgeons.
510
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:36,044
Okay, son, as soon as Colonel
Potter cuts you loose here,
511
00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:38,873
you'll be down in Seoul
on my personal staff.
512
00:19:38,916 --> 00:19:41,005
-On your-- On what?
-On your personal what?
513
00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,659
I'll be the envy
of every general
514
00:19:42,703 --> 00:19:44,008
in the Far East command.
515
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:46,010
Did you just hear
our soufflé fall?
516
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:48,665
No, that was
my stomach sobbing.
517
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:50,232
Well, good luck, Conway.
518
00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:53,061
There'll always be a place mat
out here for you.
519
00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:56,195
It was inevitable, General.
Chez Klinger moves uptown.
520
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,327
-What?
-We're a package, sir.
521
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,329
Where he goes, I go.
Right, buddy?
522
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:02,679
Partners to the end.
523
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:05,073
Sir, I'm very grateful,
but with all due respect,
524
00:20:05,116 --> 00:20:07,989
I'd like to go back and cook
for my old unit up on the line.
525
00:20:08,032 --> 00:20:11,210
I never met this man
before in my life.
526
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,863
You'd rather cook for
your buddies in combat
527
00:20:12,907 --> 00:20:14,865
-than for me?
-Yes, I would, sir.
528
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,476
I guess that's
the least he can do
529
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:18,217
after running over them,
bumping into them,
530
00:20:18,260 --> 00:20:20,480
-and falling on top of them.
-Usually at the same time.
531
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:23,047
Yeah, that's why
I'd like to make it up
to the old unit, sir.
532
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,006
How 'bout it, Bud?
You always said
533
00:20:25,049 --> 00:20:27,226
the boys on the line
deserve the best.
534
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:30,185
Yes, I did, didn't I?
535
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:34,798
Okay, Conway,
I admire your loyalty.
536
00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:37,323
You can go back
to your old unit.
537
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:41,240
But just one question.
Do you deliver?
538
00:20:41,283 --> 00:20:43,981
I can still taste
Conway's duck a l'orange.
539
00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,245
-Made with no duck.
-And no l'orange.
540
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:49,335
Now no Conway.
I hate pretzels.
541
00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:51,380
Imagine what Conway
would have made
to dip them in.
542
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:53,991
[all groaning]
543
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,298
Hello, troops.
Lovely night, isn't it?
544
00:20:56,342 --> 00:20:58,909
Barkeep, set up a round on me.
I'll have scotch.
545
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:01,651
Embalming fluid
for the funeral party here.
546
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,914
Hello, Colonel.
Looking for a shoulder
to laugh on?
547
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:05,525
I'm tickled pink.
548
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,309
Here, Margaret,
read this aloud.
549
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:10,007
It's from Mildred.
I thought you might
be interested.
550
00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:12,880
"Dear Sherman,
I'm writing you
from Pensacola."
551
00:21:12,923 --> 00:21:14,316
Ah, my favorite drink.
552
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:15,665
That's in Florida.
553
00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:17,145
No wonder
she didn't hear the phone.
554
00:21:17,188 --> 00:21:19,365
Mildred always goes
to see her cousin Portia
555
00:21:19,408 --> 00:21:20,670
when she needs cheering up.
556
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:22,106
Strange woman, Portia.
557
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,761
Likes to take her teeth
out at parties.
558
00:21:24,805 --> 00:21:26,850
Sounds like your kind
of humor, Pierce.
559
00:21:26,894 --> 00:21:29,070
You just don't understand
biting satire.
560
00:21:29,113 --> 00:21:31,072
Go ahead, Margaret.
561
00:21:31,115 --> 00:21:33,204
"I met a wonderful
young man yesterday--
562
00:21:33,248 --> 00:21:35,337
"Lyle and Mavis Wilson's boy.
563
00:21:35,381 --> 00:21:36,947
"They're Portia's neighbors.
564
00:21:36,991 --> 00:21:39,298
"He's back from Korea
where he was wounded,
565
00:21:39,341 --> 00:21:42,518
"and he told me
a MASH unit saved his life.
566
00:21:42,562 --> 00:21:45,608
"As I listened to him,
I could imagine you
as his doctor.
567
00:21:45,652 --> 00:21:47,915
"The miles between us
seemed to disappear,
568
00:21:47,958 --> 00:21:51,353
"and for a few minutes,
it was as if you and I
were together.
569
00:21:51,397 --> 00:21:54,182
"It made me realize how
unfair my last letter was.
570
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:57,620
"It's just that sometimes
I get tired of being alone.
571
00:21:57,664 --> 00:22:00,188
"I get angry
and I blame you.
572
00:22:00,231 --> 00:22:03,322
"And when you're not
here to yell at,
I get even angrier.
573
00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:06,150
I hope you can somehow
understand what I'm saying."
574
00:22:07,978 --> 00:22:11,547
I can. A friend of mine
explained it to me.
575
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:16,987
"I might let off steam once
in a while, but I adore you.
576
00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:18,946
"I'm very proud of you.
577
00:22:18,989 --> 00:22:21,252
"And I wouldn't trade
my life for anyone's.
578
00:22:21,296 --> 00:22:23,167
Love, Mildred."
579
00:22:23,211 --> 00:22:26,257
What a beautiful letter.
I think I'm gonna cry.
580
00:22:26,301 --> 00:22:28,390
Good. I don't want
to be the only one.
581
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:30,914
-You oughta marry that woman.
-If you don't, I will.
582
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:33,569
No, then she'd be
Mildred Pierce.
583
00:22:33,613 --> 00:22:36,616
Colonel, if you do not send
that angel a dozen roses,
584
00:22:36,659 --> 00:22:39,358
and immediately,
you are a cad.
585
00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:41,316
Terrific idea, Winchester.
586
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,449
Klinger, you want to
take care of that for me?
587
00:22:43,492 --> 00:22:46,365
Oh, right away, sir. Let's see,
I call, uh, Radar in Tokyo.
588
00:22:46,408 --> 00:22:48,410
No, I'll just maybe call
Hannibal direct.
589
00:22:48,454 --> 00:22:52,022
I could call Muriel Barlow.
No, she's probably drunk.
590
00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:54,111
Or is she the one
who takes her teeth out?
591
00:22:54,155 --> 00:22:55,809
-Klinger?
-Sir?
592
00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:58,855
Forget it.
I'll grow them myself.
It'll be faster.
593
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:09,083
All right, that's it.
594
00:23:09,126 --> 00:23:11,128
I'm recommending my stomach
for a Purple Heart.
595
00:23:11,172 --> 00:23:12,782
The only way to serve
these meatballs
596
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:14,393
is with a Ping-Pong
paddle.
597
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,569
We could end this war
in a minute, you know.
598
00:23:16,612 --> 00:23:18,571
All we have to do is invite
North Korea to lunch.
599
00:23:18,614 --> 00:23:20,703
I oughta put the cook
on bread and water.
600
00:23:20,747 --> 00:23:22,966
Oh, no, he has
to suffer right along
with the rest of us.
601
00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:26,317
Do not despair, epicureans.
Chez Klinger rides again.
602
00:23:26,361 --> 00:23:27,623
Try that.
603
00:23:27,667 --> 00:23:30,496
Mm. Looks edible.
604
00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:32,802
[sniffs]
Smells nice.
605
00:23:35,239 --> 00:23:36,850
Very tasty.
606
00:23:36,893 --> 00:23:38,460
What is this?
A mercy meal from Conway?
607
00:23:38,504 --> 00:23:40,897
Not exactly. The sauce is
a recipe he taught me,
608
00:23:40,941 --> 00:23:42,464
but I improvised the rest.
609
00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:43,770
What do you call this?
610
00:23:43,813 --> 00:23:45,336
Goat à la king.
611
00:23:48,514 --> 00:23:50,864
♪♪ [theme]
47141
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