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♪♪ [theme]
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[applause]
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ANNOUNCER:
Here he is at
Plymouth, England,
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00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:08,938
with this to say about
our G.I.s in Korea.
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00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:13,464
Now, I have not the knowledge
to enable me to predict
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00:01:13,508 --> 00:01:18,643
how this Korean
fighting will end.
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But-- But let me here
express our admiration
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for the daring
and skill
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with which the handful
of American soldiers,
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three or four
battalions at most,
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00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:37,271
who-- who have as yet been
brought into action in Korea,
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00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:40,448
have fought their
delaying action
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00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:42,841
against overwhelming odds.
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00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:46,236
I really wasn't
expecting more wounded!
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00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,498
Uh, General MacArthur
said the fighting
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00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:49,109
would be over
by Christmas.
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Yeah, but he didn't
say what year.
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00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:51,633
Actually, he was
referring to the fighting
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00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:54,026
between himself
and Mrs. MacArthur.
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00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,027
She's got an entirely
different idea
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on how the war
should be run.
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This is not a war,
it's a police action.
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If it's a police action,
why didn't they send cops?
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00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:05,516
ANNOUNCER:
A night rendezvous
inside Wonsan Harbor
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00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,388
with a stubborn
Communist fort.
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00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:12,871
A spectacular display
of rocket firepower.
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00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,963
Look, Colonel, a hospital's
got to know what to expect.
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If there's a push on,
give me some warning.
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00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:22,446
We're both in the
same war, you know?
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00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:25,884
I'm not over here because
I'm such a fan of diarrhea.
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00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:29,105
Now if you hear any--
Hello? Colonel?
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00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,846
Colonel?
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00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,195
Creeps.
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00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:34,023
-Who, sir?
-Colonels.
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00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:35,329
You can't trust
any of 'em.
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00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:36,721
They're just this far
from making general.
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00:02:36,765 --> 00:02:38,201
They can taste
those stars.
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00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:39,855
They'll do anything
to get 'em.
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00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:41,509
Never mind if they
don't deserve 'em,
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00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:44,164
if they don't know their
brass from their elbows.
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00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:46,122
Captains and majors are okay.
They're too far away.
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00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,776
They don't have
to make points.
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00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:51,214
And generals usually relax
once they've made it.
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00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,042
Although, I had one
in the cavalry,
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00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:57,177
ordered all horses corked
before parades.
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00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:58,743
Is that a beak?
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00:02:58,787 --> 00:03:01,703
Uh, chicken, sir.
It's sort of a beak stew.
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00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:05,228
-That's surplus.
-Yes, sir.
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00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:08,318
Take it away.
I sent this dinner back
in World War II.
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00:03:10,755 --> 00:03:12,192
MAN [on P.A.]:
Ambulance to
the upper helipad.
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00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:13,584
Ambulance to the pad.
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00:03:13,628 --> 00:03:16,457
Incoming wounded.
South Korean infantry.
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00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,981
South Koreans
are getting younger.
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POTTER:
Complain to Syngman Rhee.
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♪ Ah sweet
Syngman Rhee of life ♪
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00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,116
♪ At last I found you ♪
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Can the balloon
juice, Pierce!
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Close.
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00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:31,254
Bad belly wound.
Got an arterial pumper.
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00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:32,995
-Need some help?
-You bet.
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00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:34,257
Get me some gloves.
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00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,477
Lap sponge.
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00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,783
Clamp.
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00:03:38,827 --> 00:03:40,568
I'll try to expose
the bleeder.
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00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:42,570
You know, I've been around
overseas at different times,
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00:03:42,613 --> 00:03:44,615
visiting our boys.
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00:03:44,659 --> 00:03:47,749
They're a swell lot
doing a wonderful job
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00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,925
to protect us
here at home.
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00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,274
Many of them get wounded
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00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:54,146
or suffer from
loss of blood, shock.
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And blood or blood plasma
given in the field
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00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:58,847
means life itself.
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00:03:58,890 --> 00:04:00,196
Yes, just that.
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00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,807
Please, don't let
those Army, Navy,
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00:04:02,851 --> 00:04:05,332
Airmen and Marines down.
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00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:08,770
Have a heart.
Give some blood.
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Ah. Ah!
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00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,426
Father,
irrigate his eye.
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00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:13,949
B.J., you okay?
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00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:16,038
-POTTER: I've got it, B.J.
-B.J.: Okay.
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00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:18,083
Talk about
your bloodshot eyes.
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HAWKEYE: Retract that.
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00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,652
Excellent.
A page one retraction.
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00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:26,396
Ahh. Ahh,
it's better. Thanks.
85
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,789
You're pretty good
with your hands, kid.
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00:04:27,832 --> 00:04:30,008
Can you get me
a tracheotomy
at the Garden?
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00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:32,141
Uh, let's try
a couple of hernias
out of town first.
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00:04:32,184 --> 00:04:34,012
Get all their
personal possessions,
Corporal.
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00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:35,318
Make sure they
get a receipt
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00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,320
and file copies of your
copy in triplicate.
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00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,757
[sighing] Major, I done
this a hundred times.
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00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:41,411
I write to my mother
in triplicate.
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00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:42,760
I got triplicate
on the brain.
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00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:43,805
Somebody wants
change for a ten,
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00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:45,415
I give 'em
three fives.
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00:04:45,459 --> 00:04:48,418
-Get moving.
-Yes, ma'am,
times three.
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00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:51,465
Hey, Major, I already
gave my things.
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00:04:51,508 --> 00:04:53,423
-What?
-My personal effects, right?
99
00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:56,470
-Yes.
-I already gave 'em
to some guy outside.
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00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,603
Tsk! You've been
robbed, soldier.
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00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:03,477
A wounded soldier robbed,
in the middle of a war.
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00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,305
I don't know what's
happening to this army.
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00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,263
Me either.
That does it for me.
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00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,525
One more week,
and I'm through!
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00:05:15,924 --> 00:05:17,882
ANNOUNCER:
At Laramie, the chief
executive speaks
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00:05:17,926 --> 00:05:20,711
to the students at the
University of Wyoming.
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00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:22,365
It's a fatherly talk.
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I hope you will all
make the most
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of your opportunities here,
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00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:32,941
to fit yourselves
to be good citizens
of the United States,
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00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:36,988
the greatest republic
the world has ever seen.
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SOLDIER:
Hey, Father,
you got a second?
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Are you all right?
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00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,127
That's my problem.
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00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:47,521
I'm all right.
Least the doctor said I was.
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00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:50,175
I don't think
I understand.
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00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,221
When I got hit
on the line,
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00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:54,310
I thought for sure
I was gonna die.
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00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,181
I had no idea they
was gonna pick me up
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00:05:56,225 --> 00:05:57,661
and fix me so fast.
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00:05:57,705 --> 00:06:00,447
Well, we have the fastest
docs in the West.
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00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:02,579
Yeah, well,
the thing of it is,
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00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:07,192
when I was out there,
layin' there, not knowin',
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00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,586
I made a promise
to God.
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00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,109
I said, "Dear God,
you get me out of this,
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00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:12,937
"and I'll become
a priest."
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00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:15,113
And he got you
out of it.
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00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:16,898
And I don't wanna
be a priest.
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00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,381
You think
he'll understand?
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00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:23,774
If everyone who ever
promised to take the vow
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00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,820
in a moment of stress
made good,
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there'd be so many
of us around,
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00:06:27,561 --> 00:06:29,258
it'd look like
the priesthood
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00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,955
had had a population
explosion.
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00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:35,264
Let me put
that another way.
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00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,180
He'll understand.
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00:06:38,223 --> 00:06:39,747
[laughing]
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00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:42,402
Ah, thanks for letting me
chew your ear, Father.
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00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,012
That's what
they're there for.
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00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,627
Got a chest
or a belly wound?
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00:06:50,671 --> 00:06:52,237
Legs.
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00:06:52,281 --> 00:06:54,849
You can have a beer.
Compliments of the doctors.
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00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:56,633
Well, I'd rather
have some scotch.
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00:06:56,677 --> 00:06:59,288
You're too young
to drink.
145
00:06:59,331 --> 00:07:00,420
You're lucky you didn't
have to show your I.D.
146
00:07:00,463 --> 00:07:01,551
to get shot.
147
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,337
Clean out the sink.
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00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,862
In the middle of a war,
I couldn't care less who wins.
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00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:09,820
I mean, for my money,
I give you Red China
and six points,
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00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:11,126
or the other way around.
151
00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,954
And now they got me
scrubbin' sinks.
152
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:16,087
It's crazy, right?
No, being in is sane.
153
00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:19,003
You know my problem?
I played hard to get.
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00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:21,484
You do that,
and the Army's
got to have you.
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00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:23,399
Kid from my neighborhood,
really nuts,
156
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,661
Archie Jagloff.
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00:07:24,705 --> 00:07:26,271
He fell into a sewer
when he was little.
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00:07:26,315 --> 00:07:28,143
He was always a little jerky
after that.
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00:07:28,186 --> 00:07:30,493
Grew up to be a Nazi.
No kiddin'.
160
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:32,452
Tried to volunteer,
join up.
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00:07:32,495 --> 00:07:33,670
Couldn't wait to
come over here.
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drop anything from
an A bomb to a Z bomb.
163
00:07:36,194 --> 00:07:37,631
The Army turned him down.
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00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,415
Said he had flat feet.
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00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,938
You know how he got
flat feet?
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00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:43,419
Goose steppin'
in his basement.
167
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,508
Me they had to have.
168
00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:47,031
Said I was nuts.
169
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,380
They said,
"What's your religion?"
170
00:07:48,424 --> 00:07:49,686
I said, "Aztec."
171
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,296
They said,
"Stop jokin'"
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I said, "Bring me a virgin,
I'll cut her heart out."
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They looked into my ears,
I said, "Ahh."
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They said,
"Stick out your tongue,"
I pulled down my pants.
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They called in a psychiatrist,
I kissed him on the mouth.
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00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:02,612
You know what
the guy in charge said?
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00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:06,224
"Keep this up and
we'll make you an officer."
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00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:07,617
-B.J.: Right through here.
Watch the door.
-HAWKEYE: Don, is it clean?
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KLINGER:
You really gonna operate
in the sink?
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00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,316
B.J.:
We have to work underwater.
He's got phosphorus burns.
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00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,579
HAWKEYE :
It's in the tissues.
182
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,015
If it hits the air,
it can ignite.
183
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:15,320
Next thing you know,
you got G.I. flambé.
184
00:08:15,364 --> 00:08:17,409
The guy could catch
on fire? Wow.
185
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,760
-We're gonna need
some more sulfa powder.
-We're low on sulfa.
186
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,849
We've got enough saltpeter
for World War IX.
187
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,285
That stuff really work?
188
00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:24,286
Search me, fella.
189
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:26,418
What's happening?
190
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:27,985
Cleaning the wound.
191
00:08:28,029 --> 00:08:30,292
Debriding the necrotic
or loose tissue.
192
00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:31,728
I don't know
how you guys do it.
193
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,774
Helps a little if
you think you're God.
194
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:35,079
Over there.
195
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:36,559
All right.
I think that's all.
196
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:40,041
Copper sulfate.
197
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:41,346
This stuff coats
and neutralizes
198
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:42,565
the, uh, little bits
of phosphorous
199
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:43,871
that might still
be in the leg.
200
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:45,263
It also helps to
see where they are.
201
00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:46,787
How do you keep all
that stuff in your head?
202
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:48,571
You wear earplugs
so it doesn't leak out.
203
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:49,833
Turn off the lights.
204
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:53,315
Observe, Klinger.
205
00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:54,969
B.J.:
The solution fluoresces,
206
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:57,406
and we take out
whatever shines.
207
00:08:57,449 --> 00:09:00,627
HAWKEYE:
Like so...
208
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:04,413
and so.
209
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:06,371
And thus...
210
00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:10,724
And this.
211
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,203
Lights.
212
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,642
-And the sulfa.
-Here.
213
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:19,297
All right, we'll
leave the wound open.
214
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:20,734
-Get him a bed.
-Right.
215
00:09:20,777 --> 00:09:22,605
Boy, seeing the way you guys
work with the wounded,
216
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,128
the way you deal
with burned up legs,
217
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,565
ripped up bellies.
218
00:09:25,608 --> 00:09:28,002
Makes me proud
every time I throw up.
219
00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:37,881
ANNOUNCER:
A mop-up expedition
directed at rooting out
220
00:09:37,925 --> 00:09:40,057
a band of Vietminh
Red terrorists
221
00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:42,103
who have made the swamp
their hideout.
222
00:09:42,146 --> 00:09:43,887
[guns firing]
223
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:49,414
Another Asian country brought
to violence and bloodshed
224
00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,242
by Communist conspirators
225
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:53,157
who have to be
flushed like rats.
226
00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,072
Take it easy.
227
00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,686
Take good care
of him, Doc.
228
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,209
Friend of yours, Radar?
229
00:10:01,252 --> 00:10:03,603
Somebody said
he was from Iowa.
230
00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:07,041
He's not from
Iowa anymore.
231
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:09,304
Litter!
232
00:10:09,347 --> 00:10:10,914
Gloves.
233
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,616
I can't believe
the traffic.
234
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:17,965
One short, Doctor.
235
00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:19,836
Don't tell me.
236
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,057
No. You used 11 sponges,
and we've only removed 10.
237
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:24,711
Hotshot left
a sponge in.
238
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:26,016
Not now, Major.
239
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,583
What's the matter
with the big honcho?
240
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,281
-Losing his touch, huh?
-Knock it off, Burns.
241
00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:31,674
I just wanna see
if Dr. Perfect
242
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:33,328
takes it as well
as he dishes it out.
243
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:34,634
One more word, Frank,
244
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,461
and I'll button
your lip to your fly.
245
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:38,376
[explosion]
246
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:39,769
B.J.:
That was close.
247
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:40,814
POTTER:
One of our mines.
248
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,424
Weather changes
set 'em off.
249
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:45,819
-Are you sure about
that sponge count?
-Yes, Doctor.
250
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:48,996
Amazing what can get
stuck in the human body.
251
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:50,388
My sister-in-law, Rose,
252
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:53,043
swallowed a dried apricot
at her bridge club.
253
00:10:53,087 --> 00:10:55,350
Ten minutes later,
she drank a glass of water.
254
00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:57,961
The fruit expanded
to its original size,
255
00:10:58,005 --> 00:11:00,137
lodged in her duodenum.
256
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:03,401
They rushed her
to the hospital,
called me,
257
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:06,796
and I had to perform
an "apricot-ectomy."
258
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,015
A little suction.
259
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:10,582
[helicopter whirring]
260
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,497
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
261
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,412
According to
supreme headquarters,
262
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:16,414
the Army of the People's
Republic of China
263
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:19,722
has hit and ruptured the
entire United Nations line.
264
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:22,943
The Chinese have attacked
with 33 divisions.
265
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,859
That's, uh,
300,000 men, folks.
266
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,556
According to headquarters,
267
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:30,472
we now face
an entirely new war.
268
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:34,084
That's for those of you who
were tired of the old one.
269
00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:36,957
-Doctor.
-Oh, good.
270
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,349
[speaking Chinese]
271
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:39,742
That's Chinese
for "thank you."
272
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:41,091
No sense wasting time.
273
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:43,441
[whirring continues]
274
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:52,015
["Tennessee Waltz" playing]
275
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,939
[no audible dialogue]
276
00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:05,899
[music continues]
277
00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:14,081
[no audible dialogue]
278
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,959
[music continues]
279
00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:26,615
[no audible dialogue]
280
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:27,790
Radar?
281
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:31,751
♪♪
282
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,802
[no audible dialogue]
283
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:54,512
[no audible dialogue]
284
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:58,865
[music continues]
285
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,230
-Radar?
-Here.
286
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,753
Have the nurse start
some plasma, stat!
287
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,015
Lieutenant Gage!
288
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,495
Radar, there are
four other MASHes.
289
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:22,627
Call to see if they
can give us some help.
290
00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:25,761
-I got it.
-They're flocking in here
like we got a white sale.
291
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,937
-X-rays.
-Lieutenant,
litter number one.
292
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:29,721
We want plasma, stat.
293
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:31,158
Okay, you can sit
on a bench out there.
294
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:32,768
Don't run any races.
295
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:38,774
I found this
in his pocket.
296
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:42,038
He was going on leave
tomorrow, to Tokyo.
297
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:43,648
And so he will.
298
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:46,086
[cheering]
299
00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,920
GENERAL MacARTHUR:
Again, my thanks,
300
00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:55,704
and deepest appreciation
301
00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:57,706
from both Mrs. MacArthur
and myself
302
00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:02,015
for your heart-warming
reception.
303
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:05,627
We shall never forget it.
304
00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:08,935
You have made us feel
305
00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:12,721
that we are indeed home.
306
00:14:12,764 --> 00:14:14,418
I, for one,
am glad the Chinese
307
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,333
have finally gotten
into the show.
308
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:17,900
We'll obliterate
them all.
309
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,641
All 600 million,
Frank?
310
00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:21,512
Oh, most of 'em don't
wanna be Reds anyway.
311
00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:23,253
Then why kill 'em?
312
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:24,646
Well, they can't
have it both ways.
313
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:28,998
ANNOUNCER:
The people are here
to watch famous folk
314
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,392
in the National Celebrities
Golf Tournament in Washington.
315
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:34,134
And Milton Berle
clowns with Danny Kaye.
316
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:35,178
Now look at me,
look at me.
317
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,701
[screaming]
318
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,834
ANNOUNCER:
Easy does it,
Danny Boy.
319
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,749
-Burns.
-Sir?
320
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,708
Be sure not to sew up
any contaminated wounds.
321
00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:46,755
Is the colonel suggesting
my work is careless?
322
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:49,279
Not at all.
I just know how hard
it is to operate
323
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:51,760
and be secretary of state
at the same time.
324
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:53,544
ANNOUNCER:
Now Danny addresses
the ball,
325
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:56,896
and it turns out to be
the wrong address.
326
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:59,681
And here comes Bob Hope,
the casual and clever comedian,
327
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:02,379
contriving to perform a putt
with pool-like perfection.
328
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:03,424
How about that?
329
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,599
[applause]
330
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:07,994
Uh, sir,
are you busy?
331
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:11,084
Just putting a new hinge
on this bladder, Radar.
What is it?
332
00:15:11,127 --> 00:15:13,216
Uh, cook wants to know
how you feel about dinner.
333
00:15:13,260 --> 00:15:15,088
Mostly nauseous.
334
00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:17,177
Well, it's just that he's got
some wounded in the mess tent,
335
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,787
and he's not sure
what to do.
336
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:21,790
Did you call about
the plasma?
337
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,183
Well, the lines are
all jammed, sir.
338
00:15:23,226 --> 00:15:24,836
-Un-jam 'em.
-Yes, sir.
339
00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:26,838
Radar.
What happened to
your glasses?
340
00:15:26,882 --> 00:15:29,406
Oh, I slipped and fell
on the bus.
341
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:30,799
It's kinda bloody.
342
00:15:30,842 --> 00:15:32,105
Can you see?
343
00:15:32,148 --> 00:15:33,889
Oh, yes, sir,
everything.
344
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,022
Just a few times more
than I'm used to.
345
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,589
I sort of know how
a fly feels.
346
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,940
-Get on the plasma, Radar.
-I'll get on the plasma.
347
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:46,989
Hey, put out
that cigarette.
348
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:47,990
There's a lot of
ether in there.
349
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:49,774
Hey, I'm a
sergeant, fella.
350
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,254
And I'm a captain,
fella,
351
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:52,299
which means if
we're blown up,
352
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:53,430
I'll fly higher than you.
353
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:55,519
So put it out.
354
00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:56,781
Sorry, sir.
355
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,308
This area is only
for hospital personnel.
356
00:16:01,351 --> 00:16:02,874
I got a buddy in there.
357
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:04,789
Everybody's got
a buddy in there.
358
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:05,877
All right.
359
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:08,489
Look, we'll keep
you posted.
360
00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:11,274
Let you know the minute
it's a boy or a girl.
361
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:14,930
Hi, Dusty.
Yeah, it's Radar.
362
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,758
Oh, I'm fine.
363
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:20,153
Well, not really.
I'm closer to lousy
than fine.
364
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:24,722
Listen, Dusty, we got
a terrible plasma problem here.
365
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:26,594
No, plasma.
366
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:29,162
Yeah, all of our stock
is over 21 days old.
367
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:30,380
We're not supposed
to use it then, huh?
368
00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:31,642
H-How's your
outfit fixed?
369
00:16:31,686 --> 00:16:34,036
-[thunder rumbling]
-No kidding.
370
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,039
Hey, listen, uh, maybe we
can make a swap then, huh?
371
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,128
Let me get my quartermaster
sheet out here.
372
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:42,044
[water dripping]
373
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:45,178
Hey, we got rain here.
You too?
374
00:16:45,221 --> 00:16:46,831
Wonder why the army
ordered that.
375
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:49,356
Okay, hold on now.
376
00:16:49,399 --> 00:16:50,748
Listen, this is gonna be
a little rough, uh, Dusty.
377
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,272
I broke my glasses,
378
00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:54,361
and it's like looking
through an ice cube.
379
00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:56,276
Uh, how would you
like some, uh--
380
00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:57,277
Wait a minute.
381
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,366
[thunder continues]
382
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,585
Hey, would you like
some Jeep butter?
383
00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:04,023
No. No, that's, uh--
384
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,112
Uh, Jeep batteries.
We got two extra.
385
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:08,897
No, huh?
Well, let's see.
386
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:12,074
We got Bunsen burners,
throat swabs.
387
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:15,817
Hey, you can't
pass this up.
388
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,166
The quartermaster
made a mistake
389
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:19,995
and sent us 5,000 extra
rolls of toilet paper.
390
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,345
Yeah, well,
I know it's a lot,
391
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:25,870
but, uh, maybe you could
start your own newspaper.
392
00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:31,224
Colonel Potter,
I want to see you.
393
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:33,400
One step closer, and you'll
get the whole picture.
394
00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:35,402
I just heard something
very disturbing,
395
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,839
and if it's true
I'm afraid I'm going
to have to fight you.
396
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,928
You might at least let
me get into my trunks.
397
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:41,930
-It can't wait.
-Well, fire ahead then.
398
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:47,501
Is it true you might
ship us out, the nurses?
399
00:17:47,544 --> 00:17:49,938
Major, the Chinese are
pouring over the border
400
00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:51,809
like the country's
sprung a leak.
401
00:17:51,853 --> 00:17:53,420
It's a drastic situation.
402
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,683
The nurses have
to be evacuated.
403
00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,119
Colonel, you don't
understand.
404
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:58,468
It won't be
the first time.
405
00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:00,557
The service is my life.
406
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:02,603
I was born in
an army hospital.
407
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:04,518
Started in
khaki diapers, eh?
408
00:18:04,561 --> 00:18:05,910
Mother and I
followed Dad
409
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,130
to every army post
he was assigned to.
410
00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:10,785
Benning, Ord,
Dix, Kilmer.
411
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,917
The army was all I knew.
412
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:14,658
I had no idea
what a civilian was.
413
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:16,486
I thought it was somebody
waiting around for his uniform
414
00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:18,662
to come back
from the cleaners.
415
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:20,229
When I was five,
I had a crying fit
416
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:23,058
because they wouldn't
let me have a crew cut.
417
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,016
I was born to serve,
Colonel.
418
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,496
You must let me!
419
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,456
I'd rather not
have the nurses
420
00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:30,805
in the path
of the fighting.
421
00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:32,589
I can look
after my girls.
422
00:18:32,633 --> 00:18:34,939
Things could get ugly.
423
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,725
[explosion]
424
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,423
Uglier than our own mines
trying to kill me?
425
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:43,426
Uglier than rats mating
in my duffel bag?
426
00:18:44,993 --> 00:18:47,169
I get your point.
427
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,128
ANNOUNCER:
Arriving in New York,
Rita Hayworth,
428
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:52,000
film queen who became
a real life princess
429
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,481
by marrying the heir
of the fabulous Aga Kahn.
430
00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:57,962
You know, the first thing
I'm going to do is
431
00:18:58,006 --> 00:19:01,009
go out and get
myself a hot dog.
432
00:19:01,052 --> 00:19:02,576
[indistinct chatter]
433
00:19:06,971 --> 00:19:08,973
I'd like to give you
about 20 more sutures, pal,
434
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:12,194
but business
is just too good.
435
00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:15,763
Okay, Lieutenant,
he's ready to re-enlist.
436
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:17,634
Fresh gloves.
Somebody, please.
437
00:19:17,678 --> 00:19:19,027
All out, sir.
438
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,985
-I beg your pardon?
-That's it for the gloves.
439
00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:24,293
They're torn, shot,
finished, eighty-sixed.
440
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:26,295
How can a hospital
run out?
441
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:28,297
How can we operate
without gloves?
442
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:30,212
ANNOUNCER:
Meet Dagwood,
a female feline
443
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,040
featuring prodigious
prowess at Ping Pong
444
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,433
in Portland, Oregon.
445
00:19:37,828 --> 00:19:41,180
The amazing mouser
reveals fantastic finesse.
446
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:44,313
Dagwood is just
purring along.
447
00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:48,056
The eight year-old tabby
can really volley, by golly.
448
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:50,711
And the score
is now one-itch.
449
00:19:50,754 --> 00:19:53,627
Dagwood, you're really
the cat's whiskers.
450
00:19:54,802 --> 00:19:57,587
How about 400 thermometers?
451
00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:00,416
Well, they make nice
Christmas decorations.
452
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:03,245
You know, they look like
little icicles.
453
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:07,118
No. Well, wait a minute,
we'll find something.
454
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:13,124
Hey. Hey, did you ever,
uh, read the, uh,
Tropic of Cancer,
455
00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:16,084
or the Tropic of, uh,
"Copper Can"?
456
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:19,261
Yeah, they're books.
457
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,307
But I mean books.
458
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,831
Yeah, they're published
in, uh...
459
00:20:23,874 --> 00:20:25,224
France.
460
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:27,965
Yeah. Do I need to
tell you any more?
461
00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:30,707
They're really something.
No kidding.
462
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:32,405
They'll get you through
the war without a leave.
463
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:37,105
Really?
Ah, terrific!
464
00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:41,196
Yeah. Okay,
how much plasma do I--
do I get?
465
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,328
[groans]
466
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,767
I'd hate it here
without the nurses.
467
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,377
They're the only
reason I stay.
468
00:20:48,421 --> 00:20:50,945
This isn't bad.
What is it?
469
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,163
You didn't
know him, Father.
470
00:20:53,991 --> 00:20:56,603
"A soldier of the legion
lay dying in Algiers.
471
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:58,953
"It was a lack
of woman's nursing.
472
00:20:58,996 --> 00:21:01,738
There was a dearth
of woman's tears."
473
00:21:01,782 --> 00:21:03,349
Caroline Elizabeth
Sarah Norton.
474
00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:05,002
You know a lot
of poetry.
475
00:21:05,046 --> 00:21:07,788
I went through school on a
scholarship from Burma Shave.
476
00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:10,747
-You know any?
-I got a beaut, but not
in front of the father.
477
00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:12,314
[sighing]
Oh, Hawkeye.
478
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:14,447
You know, Father...
479
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,666
standing there like that
with the light hitting you
the way it does--
480
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:18,189
Yes?
481
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:20,844
You look just like a
"B" girl I knew in San Diego.
482
00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:22,542
It's quite possible.
483
00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:24,326
I worked my way
through divinity school
484
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:26,459
as a "B" girl
in San Diego.
485
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:27,721
[laughing]
486
00:21:27,764 --> 00:21:29,592
Oh, Father.
487
00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:30,680
Look out, Dagwood.
488
00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:34,597
Hey, I fell asleep.
489
00:21:34,641 --> 00:21:35,990
Where can I find
my buddy?
490
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:37,165
Your buddy's
got a name?
491
00:21:37,208 --> 00:21:38,906
Bender.
Jack Bender.
492
00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:40,473
-Try the hospital.
-Where's that?
493
00:21:40,516 --> 00:21:42,170
Two doors down.
494
00:21:42,213 --> 00:21:43,780
It's a beautiful
white building,
495
00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:45,652
with the statue
of Lionel Barrymore
in front.
496
00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:55,052
Hit me with the
alcohol, Margaret.
497
00:21:55,096 --> 00:21:57,185
Barehanded surgery.
498
00:21:57,228 --> 00:21:59,796
Now practicing
the Tarzan School
of Medicine.
499
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,450
[thunderclap]
500
00:22:03,713 --> 00:22:05,149
Room seems to have
a weak bladder.
501
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:12,243
I smell
something burning.
502
00:22:12,287 --> 00:22:14,071
I do hope it's
not the crepes.
503
00:22:14,115 --> 00:22:16,073
Watch your language!
504
00:22:16,117 --> 00:22:17,466
Clamp.
505
00:22:21,252 --> 00:22:23,124
Criminy! Klinger!
506
00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:24,604
-Look at that!
-How'd that happen?
507
00:22:24,647 --> 00:22:26,649
How do I know?
Douse it, will ya?
508
00:22:26,693 --> 00:22:27,911
Stand back.
509
00:22:29,739 --> 00:22:31,350
Hey, are you crazy?
510
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:33,613
-I thought it was water.
-That's alcohol.
511
00:22:33,656 --> 00:22:35,266
Can you imagine what that
does to your stomach?
512
00:22:35,310 --> 00:22:37,007
You moron! I have to
do everything myself!
513
00:22:40,576 --> 00:22:42,273
The laundry's on fire.
514
00:22:42,317 --> 00:22:44,275
I was wondering when things
would get interesting.
515
00:22:44,319 --> 00:22:45,842
MARGARET:
Is it under control?
516
00:22:45,886 --> 00:22:47,670
Well, O'Reilly and Klinger
are working on it.
517
00:22:47,714 --> 00:22:48,932
It'll be fine.
518
00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:51,152
Holy mackerel!
519
00:22:51,195 --> 00:22:53,720
The blind leading
the blind.
520
00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:55,722
B.J.:
Nice thought for
a hospital, Frank.
521
00:22:55,765 --> 00:22:58,028
HAWKEYE:
Never at a loss
for the wrong phrase.
522
00:22:58,072 --> 00:23:00,466
Why don't we go outside
where it's dry and work?
523
00:23:00,509 --> 00:23:02,424
Corpsman,
another bucket here.
524
00:23:02,468 --> 00:23:03,947
Thank you, Major.
525
00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:05,209
[light bulb popping]
526
00:23:05,253 --> 00:23:06,210
-Help!
-I'll get some light!
527
00:23:06,254 --> 00:23:07,516
What happened?
528
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:08,735
Bulb got wet!
Glass in the patient!
529
00:23:08,778 --> 00:23:10,171
Father, more pickups.
530
00:23:10,214 --> 00:23:11,912
-MULCAHY: Pickups coming up.
-Thanks.
531
00:23:11,955 --> 00:23:13,870
Colonel, I don't know
how to tell you this,
532
00:23:13,914 --> 00:23:15,176
but I've had
a better offer.
533
00:23:15,219 --> 00:23:17,221
Take me with you.
534
00:23:17,265 --> 00:23:18,440
The fire's out.
535
00:23:18,484 --> 00:23:19,789
There's nothin'
to worry about.
536
00:23:19,833 --> 00:23:21,225
-Sandwiches--
-[explosion]
537
00:23:24,141 --> 00:23:25,142
Put somethin' over
those windows!
538
00:23:25,186 --> 00:23:26,187
Cover the patients!
539
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:27,318
[indistinct shouting]
540
00:23:27,362 --> 00:23:28,581
That was peanut
butter and jelly.
541
00:23:28,624 --> 00:23:30,321
It took me three weeks
to requisition that!
542
00:23:30,365 --> 00:23:31,801
[shouting continues]
543
00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:33,194
RADAR:
Holy cow!
544
00:23:41,768 --> 00:23:44,466
MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.
545
00:23:44,510 --> 00:23:46,381
By direction of the
secretary of the army,
546
00:23:46,425 --> 00:23:49,166
under A-R-220315,
547
00:23:49,210 --> 00:23:51,952
the Meritorious Unit
Commendation is awarded
548
00:23:51,995 --> 00:23:56,435
to the Mobile Army
Surgical Hospital,
4077 unit,
549
00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:58,741
for exceptionally
meritorious conduct
550
00:23:58,785 --> 00:24:01,788
in the performance of
outstanding services.
551
00:24:01,831 --> 00:24:04,573
Despite the necessity of
working in a forward area,
552
00:24:04,617 --> 00:24:07,315
under adverse
field conditions,
553
00:24:07,358 --> 00:24:12,668
this hospital maintained
the highest professional
standards at all times.
554
00:24:12,712 --> 00:24:15,671
The ability, loyalty,
and esprit de corps
555
00:24:15,715 --> 00:24:17,456
exhibited by this hospital,
556
00:24:17,499 --> 00:24:20,546
reflects great credit
on each and every member.
557
00:24:26,073 --> 00:24:28,292
Just wanted to
thank you for staying.
558
00:24:35,125 --> 00:24:37,345
♪♪ [theme]
40560
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