All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E19 - Some 38th Parallels (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Need some tape here.

[chatter]

Come on, step it up.
I haven't got all day.

Wanna get that, please?

Yes, Doctor.

Almost finished.

You do nice work.

That's why I get
the big money.

You know,
I figured it out.

All the work I've done

divided by the time
I've been in the army

comes to a nickel
an operation.

-Lap sponge.
-How you doin', B.J.?

Just about there.
It's a nasty head wound.

Yeah, they're getting
worse all the time.

FRANK:
Well, that's war, jocko.

Gimme a hand here,
will you, Father?

-Say the word.
-Go.

More there.

Uh, give me
a little Richardson.

No, the big one.
No, no-no-no-no.

The-the-the little--
the little one.

Hold that door for us,
will you, Klinger?

Post-op's
all jammed, sir.

Let's put him against
the wall, Father.

We ain't got
one free bed.

You'd think
we were a motel.

Sorry, Father.

Well, I know
all about motels, Corporal.

Each man prays
in his own way.

-Get an I.V. stand, Klinger.
-Right.

Another boy
from the 43rd.

Colonel Coner's outfit.
He got hit

in one of the colonel's
famous retrieval sweeps.

No more stands, Doc.
What now?

Get a hammer. Let's nail
this to the wall.

Boy, I wish I had
your brains.

-I wish I had your beauty.
-There is that.

Our friend Colonel Coner

specializes in trading
warm bodies for cold.

He'd send a whole division
behind enemy lines

in order to pick up what
used to be one human being.

Uh, hold this,
will you, Father?

Some awful funny people
running this war.

Sometimes I'm sorry
I bought tickets for it.

I'll see you in a bit.

HAWKEYE: Three-O silk on a Keith
needle.

-Three-O silk.
-[clatter]

-Oh...
-Need a hand, Frank?

I don't need a hand
from anyone.

His own two lefts are enough.

-Mind if I watch?
-Makes me no never mind.

-Oh, Colonel Potter.
-Here.

There's something
that's been bothering me

for some time now, sir.

Very simple, Frank.

A mommy and a daddy
love each other very much.

Now, the daddy has a seed...

Put a bridle on it, Pierce.

-What's on your mind, Burns?
-Trash.

[inhales] Sir,
I am keenly aware

of the garbage in this camp.

There are tin cans,
eggshells,

pus-y old bandages,

germy tongue depressors
by the bushel.

It's dumped the regulation
25 yards from the camp

and poses
no threat to hygiene.

But we're wasting
our waste, sir.

The locals are stealing it.

They need it to survive,
Frank.

Well, they're not entitled
to just walk off with it.

Frank's right. You give these
people a taste of our garbage,

next they'll want New Jersey.

Now, what I'm suggesting is
that we charge them for it.

Make 'em pay for every rind,
every drop of swill.

You wanna open some sort
of bilious boutique, Frank?

No, but I do have a plan.

This isn't what I'd call
table talk, doctors.

See me later, Burns.

It'll be a pleasure, sir.

Maybe for you.

Finished.

Who'd have thought
perfection could be so boring?

-Doctor?
-Hmm?

-What are you doing after?
-Please.

Put a note on the bulletin
board like everyone else.

I'll give you a nickel.

Sold. [chuckles] I'm so easy.

Captain Hunnicutt.

I was just walking by
and I noticed this gizmo

came disconnected
from the thingamabob

and it wasn't dripping
into the doohickey right.

You lost me with all
the technical terms, Radar,

but I get the picture.

Is he gonna be
all right, sir?

He will now.

Whew.

-Radar?
-Yes, sir?

You may have just
saved his life.

Really? Gee,
I didn't mean to.

Well, wh-who would've
thought I could? Gee.

Come on. Help me see if we can
get him into post-op.

Yes, sir.

Do you have a license
to troll for surgeons?

Or is that roll
with sturgeons?

Right this way,
my dear.

You will be gentle.

The army's ruinin'
my hands, you know.

Mm-hmm.

My hands
are my best feature.

When I was born,

my father took one look
and said to my mother,

"Thanks a lot for
the eight-pound baby nose."

And my mother said,
"His hands, Amos.

"Look at his hands.
He's a musician."

What do you think
my old man did?

Went right out,

stole a violin
and stuck it in my crib.

I was one week old.
What did I know from violins?

I started suckin'
on the bridge.

[chuckles]

No kiddin'. I'm not kiddin'.

I believe you.

[chuckles]

What's wrong?

What's wrong, what's wrong?

You look happy, that's all.

I never see a happy
face in the army

outside the latrine.

Well, I-I was helpin'
Captain Hunnicutt

before with a patient,
you know?

Yeah?

And, uh, the guy's I.V.
bottle went all snafu-y.

And so I, uh, fixed it up,

and Captain Hunnicutt
says to me, he says to me,

uh, "Radar, you may have
saved his life."

You wanna save another life?

Huh?

Don't eat that food.

What's the matter
with it?

You ever pull kitchen duty?

No, I've been lucky.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You don't know
the conditions.

They paint
over the cockroaches.

If you ever saw
what they put in the hash,

you'd go screaming
into the night.

And later you just might.

Oh, I don't care.

I saved a guy's life.

Is he still in the army?

Of course.

Some saving.

Our garbage is the mainstay
of the local economy, sir.

I don't think you realize
how much valuable material

is being looted from
our trash heaps.

I guess I just don't have
your head for garbage, Burns.

The late
Colonel Blake said

I was the best rubbish
officer we'd ever had.

The man knew talent
when he saw it. Smoke?

-Uh, would you
like me to, sir?
-Never mind.

What do you think, sir?
Garbage-wise.

I'm not gonna make any decision

until Radar gives me a
breakdown of the situation.

Radar. You got some poop
on the garbage--

Sir, I've been going
through the files.

-I got the poop
on our garbage.
-Shoot.

"The typical sample of this
hospital's waste products

"contains expended
medical supplies,

"i.e., e.g.,
tongue depressors..."

Oh, they can take
a few hundred of those
and make a hooch.

I've heard a Korean landlord
will kill for the chance

to subdivide
a packing crate.

"A few hundred yards of used
and bloody surgical gauze."

Oh, that can
be washed out

and used to make
summer clothing.

Go on.

"Some stretched-out
nurses' bras."

They can use those
for hammocks, right?

[laughs]

You shut up.

Don't be abusive.

I'm sorry, Colonel.
It's just my nature.

Enlisted men
have feelings, you know.

I keep forgetting
that, sir.

You want me
to continue, Colonel?

No. I have no interest
in hearing a refuse recital.

Burns, what are you
leading up to?

Sir, it's un-American
to get nothing for nothing.

Now, I propose we auction
our garbage off

to local contractors.

I'd let it go to
the highest bidder.

That's ridiculous.

As per Pentagon Directive,
uh, N/R/358/9-A.

The Trashy Substances
Act, sir.

Really?

Burns, some men
are born to greatness.

Others have garbage
thrust upon them.

-You've got it.
-I won't let you down, sir.

There's no way you can.

Uh, congratulations,
Major.

[chuckles]

NURSE: Hawkeye.

[laughs] Hawkeye.

What are you laughing?
It's not funny.

-Don't worry about it.
-I'm not worried.

[sighs]

-It can happen to anyone.
-So let it.

Let it happen to anyone.

Just don't let it
happen to me.

Come on. Sit back.

-Maybe a drink.
-Hm-mm.

It's almost ready
to be drunk.

I hear tomorrow's
a very good year.

I don't think
liquor's the answer.

You know, what just
didn't happen here

has never not ever
happened before.

Well, maybe you just
don't find me attractive.

Oh, that's true.

Except for your face,
your mind and your body,

-you're a complete dud.
-Come here.

Careful. I have to give
them back after the war.

Relax.

[sighs deeply]

You know,
what I think's happened

is the damned army
has started putting coffee

in my saltpeter.

It's thrown
my whole system off.

Mmm. Tell me about it.

How 'bout an Oreo first?

[knocking]

Shh! My wife.

RADAR: Hawk. Hawk?

She always hawks
like that. Yes, dear?

Captain B.J.
wants you in post-op.

Radar, can't it wait?

What happened
to your voice?

I got a new pair
of shorts from home.

Sorry to leave you
in mid-grope like this,

but Hippocrates calls.

When will you be back?

Before you can
whistle "Carmen."

[whistling "Habanera"]

Uh, sorry
to interrupt you.

That's okay, Radar.

You saved me from
contusions of the ego

and compound
embarrassment.

-How's your patient?
-He's really Radar's.

He alerted me
to his condition.

I had a hamster back home

used to get the
same look in his eyes

when he wasn't
feeling good.

Let me see his chart.

You can go get
some lettuce.

He's less responsive.

B.P.'s going up,
pulse dropping...

signs of increased
intracranial pressure.

-I'd stick close for a while.
-Right.

-Can I too? Stick close?
-Of course.

And if you have to,
I'd put in another burr hole.

Fair enough.

That sound right
to you, Radar?

Huh? Oh, yeah, sure.

Sounds pretty good to me.

What do you think?

Should we get a second
corporal's opinion?

[sighs] Should we
ask some people in,

or should we just be
boring on our own?

Whatever.

You're not drinking?

-I think I'll stop for a while.
-Mm.

Getting nasty notes
from my liver.

I've never seen you
wear those.

Oh, I never do.

If you wear 'em,
they get dirty.

If I keep washing 'em,
they stay clean forever.

They're actually just
to remind me of better times.

Argyle socks,
angora sweaters,

Woody Herman,
fumbling in rumble seats.

Rumbling in fumble seats.

That too.

What do you think
of Nurse Able?

If I wasn't married,

I'd start nibbling
at Nurse Able's toes

and stop when I got
to her hairpins.

There is something there
to arouse a male.

Unless he's been dead
six months.

[inhales]

She was in here
before...

um, with me, alone.

[laughs]

That's one of the worst
kept secrets of the war.

She was in here before
and, uh...

I, uh...

uh...

couldn't.

Couldn't what?

The big "couldn't."

Oh, that "couldn't."

Oh, maybe
I tried too hard.

Maybe I didn't try
hard enough.

Maybe it was
her perfume.

Maybe it was mine.

She looks a little
like my mother.

Maybe Oedipus
wrecked it for me.

Look, it's perfectly
understandable.

You've been going full tilt
since you got here.

Your nerves are brittle enough
to use for kindling.

-Tension.
-The war.

Happens to everyone. Right.

Ever happen to you?

Never.

Fink.

We got fresh wounded
in pre-op, sirs.

Right.
Thanks, Klinger.

Don't thank me.
Thank the Chinese.

-Hi, Frank.
-I'm doing the best I can.

-What have we got?
-Oh, chest wounds here,

leg wounds there.
I've seen worse.

Only after you get
through with them.

-Doctors.
-[chuckles]

I want my boys
to have the best.

These guys
from your unit?

I'm Colonel Coner.

Oh, yeah.

The famous advance man
from Forest Lawn.

Oh, pay
no attention, sir.

Their sense of
patriotism is stunted.

Comes from smoking
too many flags.

Let's get started
on this guy.

Nothing personal,
Colonel.

Just that
we don't appreciate

your making
so many dead soldiers

out of live soldiers

by trying to retrieve
so many dead soldiers.

Every one of our fallen boys
deserves an American coffin.

Prep him.

Do me a favor, Colonel.

If you find out
I've died,

just let me lie there
in the crabgrass.

I don't wanna help you
make the cover of Life.

Or Death.
Whichever comes first.

Let's get an X-ray
on him, huh?

Well, shall we repair
the effects of heroism?

After you,
my dear Schweitzer.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-I'm just going off.
-I'm just going on.

You okay now?

Yeah. I was a little
upset for a while,

-but it's passed.
-For sure?

Well, at least my mouth
is still working.

Okay, now we need a green
piece for the sunglasses.

Hmm, is this it?

No. It looks sort
of like, uh, Italy

but with a low heel.

Where were you
originally born?

I mean, as a child.

Chicken Falls, South Dakota.

Twenty miles
from Mount Rushmore.

Oh, hey, I was there.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Army was cleaning
out Lincoln's nose.

-Oh, that's an earlobe. -Oh.

I can't wait
to get back home.

Yeah, me, neither.

You know, once
I called that number

to get the time
in Kansas City.

I listened
for over an hour.

Really made me feel
a lot better, too.

What do you miss the most
about back home?

The most?

Yeah, one thing.

Oh.

Well, the grass, I guess.

Or the sky.

Everything.

Yeah.

-Radar?
-Oh, yes, sir.

Where have you
been hiding?

Oh, I was just helping out
with Private Phelan, sir.

Did you order the new
specimen bottles?

Oh, yes, I did, sir.

Let's watch this batch.
Don't let any damn fool

try to play songs
on 'em again.

How 'bout the V.D. films?

Uh, I ordered
two new ones, sir.

Uh, Clean As a Whistle

and Buy You
a Drink, Sailor?

Fine. What about those
notes I left on my desk--

Also, I typed those
notes you left--

-...to be typed last night?
-...on your desk last night.

-My notes on
equestrian etiquette?
-Yes, sir.

They're in
your in basket

underneath your
toenail clippers.

Hmm.

Uh, sir?

Why do women
ride sidesaddle?

Would you marry
a woman that didn't?

No, sir.

How are you
feeling, son?

Okay, sir.

He's gonna be
just fine.

Thank you,
Doctor O'Reilly.

That's an elbow.

Oh, yeah. Hey.

Wow. Look at that.

It's gonna be
Jane Russell. See?

Uh, can we do
this later, Radar?

I'm gettin' kinda tired.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, we couldn't have
finished it anyway.

Major Houlihan confiscated
all the best parts.

-Colonel Potter.
-Burns.

I just wanted you to
know I'm about to hold

my first garbage
auction, sir.

Fine.

Would you like
to see it?

No, thanks. I'll wait
till the movie comes out.

The least you could
do is wish me luck.

Luck.

How do I look?

Almost lifelike.

All right, gentlemen,
right this way.

Please take a seat.
Any seat.

Come on. Mush. Chop-chop.

Now, may I have your attention?

First, let me welcome
each and every one of you,

wish you joy and, uh, chang-yo.

-"Chang-yo"?
-Yeah.

You wish each of us
a prostitute?

I must have looked up
the wrong word.

We don't mind.

Well, I meant "prosperity."

Worked out the same.

[laughter]

All right, let's not
get carried away, huh?

[pounding]

I guess people will always
think it's funny

when one of their betters
makes a mistake.

Now, you've all had a tour
of the camp garbage dump,

and you have seen
for yourself

that America throws
away only the best.

Now, this waste will be
auctioned off today,

and similar auctions
will be held once a month.

Twice a month
when it gets warmer.

Hey, we're not too late
for the big garbage sale,
are we, Frank?

I wanna get a little
something for my apartment.

Oh, a Chippendale
orange peel

would be perfect
for my breakfast nook.

-[laughter]
-[pound]

All right, here we go.

Now, how much am I bid
for lot number one--

150 pounds of
prime U.S. Army

grade-A garbage? Hmm?

He could sell brass
knuckles to Gandhi.

Fifty. Do I hear
fifty dollars?

One buck.

One buck.
Do I hear one and a half?

One and a half. Very good.

One seventy-five, seventy-five,
seventy-five. Anyone?

Listen, Beej, whatever
the highest bid is,

bid five over it
for me, okay?

You're gonna buy
this garbage?

-Really?
-Really.

What are you going
to use it for?

Well, if I tell you now,

then you won't be
surprised at Christmas.

Two seventy-five.
Three dollars.
Three dollars.

Do I hear fifty?

Right on time.

Oh, thank you.

You sure you don't mind
being seen with me?

Of course not.

Some girls feel strange
with married men.

Ohh.

Hi, kid.

[sighs]

I did everything
I could, Radar.

How could he be alive
like that one second
and dead the next?

There's not much more
than that in it.

[exhales]

It's not fair.

Fair's
the last thing it is.

I mean, you operated
on him twice.

The damage was just
too extensive.

I could give you a lot
of medical reasons, but...

understanding doesn't
make it less painful.

Oh!

We got to be friends...

in just a few hours.

Friends don't need more.

Gee, I hope I don't cry.

It's no sin, Radar.

When was the last time
you felt like crying, sir?

What time is it?

Very good, sir.
You hit the ground.

Oh, afternoon, Pierce.
Try your luck?

I used to play as a youngster.

Well, have a go.

Finally stopped when I
realized my right arm

had become three inches
longer than my left.

Good try. In '25,

I made the semifinals
at Fort Dix.

I aced out a 300-pound
supply sergeant.

He blubbered like a baby.

Don't try so hard.
Let it go a little later.

-Good.
-Thank you.

Bang on target.

First time I scored
in days.

Been a rough one?

Well, about normal.

We're tossing horseshoes,
and four miles away

-they're tossing grenades.
-Uh-huh.

Frank's selling prewar
garbage at postwar prices

to people who can't even afford
the ground they're eating off.

-Uh-huh.
-And I'm impotent.

Uh-huh.

I think I see your problem.

Aim two feet
beyond the stake.

You've gotta learn
to unwind, son.

When's the last time
you really let go of the reins?

The back of a fruit truck...

on a pile of rotting peaches.

I had a copy of Fanny Hill.

The truck went over a bump
and I was in heaven.

You need a hobby.

[clang]

I toss horseshoes.

The wife needlepoints
migratory fowl.

Grandpa Roy
whistles moose calls.

I knew a woman
collected clippings
of mine shaft accidents.

There you go.
If it's any comfort to you,

I had the same problem
in World War I.

-And you got over it?
-Mm-hmm.

But not until World War II.

-Aha.
-[clang]

Want some more coffee?

Uh, no, thank you.

Army coffee has
made me a soprano.

-[chuckle] Colonel?
-Please.

Listen to this.
"The fastest amputation
in medical history

"was performed by
Dr. R. Liston in 1801

"without an anesthetic.

"It took 33 seconds
and cost the assistant

"three fingers
by his master's saw."

I like a heavy tipper.

Morning.

-Morning.
-Morning.

Major Burns said
I'm fit to leave.

Major Burns is
an expert on fits.

I ordered your
jeep, Colonel.

-Be ready in a minute.
-Boy, I'm starved.

Extracurricular carnage
really builds up an appetite.

Private Phelan died
last night, Colonel.

Who? Phelan?

Gerald Phelan.
He was one of yours.

Wounded last time
he went out looking
for coffin refills.

I remember that mission.

We retrieved every Joe
that bought it on Hill 911.

And how many men did you lose?

Our losses
were insignificant.

How many kids in
an insignificant?

Two.

Phelan makes three.

We knocked out
15 or 20 Reds, old buddy.

That makes my kill ratio
eight and a half to one.

Maybe nine and a half.

-Do I hear ten?
-[banging tray]

Sold to the grim reaper
in the third row.

Good morning,
Colonel. Colonel.

My, we have a lot
of colonels here.

Yeah, we're up to
our brass in 'em.

You know, I used to
think you were clever

till you bought all that
garbage at the auction.

-[giggling]
-You bought the garbage?

Well, you said get
a hobby.

Captain Pierce,

Colonel Coner's
jeep's ready, sir.

Everything's ready,
sir.

Well, I guess
it's about that time.

Well, have
a nice trip, Colonel.

Yes.

Colonel.

Colonel.

[whispers]
Come on.

What's going on,
Pierce?

I thought we'd give
Colonel Coner

an appropriate aloha.

Well, what are we
lookin' at?

Beautiful! Beautiful!
A Tintoretto in barf.

I had dreams like this
all through puberty.

I didn't see any of it,
but I loved it.

You're a pistol.

That's my garbage.

No, no, it's
my garbage, Frank.

-I got a receipt.
-Oh, for...

Hey, buy you
a drink, sailor?

Uh, not right now,
thank you.

[chuckles]

I got the time if you
still got that nickel.

All I've got's
a quarter.

No problem. I think
I can make change now.

-[movie projector running]
-How'd your date go?

-I don't kiss and tell.
-Sorry.

It was terrific.

Now, look, sir.
We charge the men

a dollar each
for helicopter rides.

Add that to
our garbage income,

and we'll be in
the black inside a year.

This is a hospital, Burns.

I don't want us listed
on the Stock Exchange.

♪♪ [theme]