All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E14 - Mail Call, Again (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

♪ Baby dear
listen here ♪

♪ I'm afraid to come home
in the dark ♪

♪ Every day
the papers say ♪

♪ A robbery
in the park ♪

♪ So I sat alone
in the YMCA ♪

♪ Singing just
like a lark ♪

♪ Oh there's no place
like home ♪

[knocking]

Come.

♪ But I couldn't come home
in the dark ♪

Is that you
singing, sir?

Music has charms to soothe
the savage breast.

I don't know much
about those, sir.

I could sing it much better
if I didn't have this cold.

Uh, mail call, sir.

Who from, Radar?

Well, you got a letter
from a Dr. Norman Chase,

-Cleveland, Ohio.
-Oh, yeah. Great proctologist.

Good ol' Squint.

Here's one
from your son, sir.

Oh, good.
Read it while I rake
these bristles.

Yes, sir.

I didn't know
your son was a doctor.

Dentist.
Specializes in gums.

I remember when
we talked it over.

He said, "Dad, everybody's
got two sets of gums.

"That's where
the money is."

[clearing throat]
"Dear Dad,

"things have been
going great here.

"Lots of pyorrhea.

"We are well,
but hold on to your hat.

"Jeanine and I have
been keeping a secret

"from you and Mom.

"By the time you get this,
you'll be a grandfather."

Yeow!

-Wow!
-[laughing]

Let's see, uh...

[muttered reading]

"The baby's
a week late, Dad."

-They're always late.
-What do they know?

"I say it's late, Dad,
because it's a girl.

"Jeanine says it's late
because it's a boy.

"We have a bet.

"If she's right,
I buy her four retread
tires for her Kaiser.

"If I'm right,
she serves my breakfast
in bed for a week."

That'll put a kink
in his colon.

Gee, sir, maybe we could
have a bet like that.

You know, like a pool.

Dandy notion.
Day it's born.

Uh, yeah, and
the baby's weight.

Boy or girl.

-For a buck?
-Good.

I say it's gonna be
a strapping nine-pound boy,

born on the, uh, 21st.

Twenty-first.

With a firm jaw...

aristocratic nose...

steely eyes...

but a little taller.

[knocking]

One moment.
Come in.

Good morning.

State your business,
Corporal.

It's mail call, ma'am.

You got a package,
uh, from Frederick's
of Hollywood.

-Frederick's?
-You know, I went through
Hollywood on the way here.

I think I saw
James Cagney.

[imitating James Cagney]
Mmm, you sent my brother,

Nicky, to the
big house. Hmm.

Cagney.
[whistles]

Is there anything else?

Uh, we're having a pool
on the birth of a baby.

Date, weight and sex,
one dollar.

I don't approve
of gambling.

It's Colonel Potter's
grandchild.

Six and a half pounds,
the 25th, boy.

Now scram!

Yes, ma'am.

Mmm. Cagney.

Oh, Frank Burns,
you Midwestern devil.

Oh, my. It's from
my sister Angelica.

- The saint?
- Oh, no, Radar. She's a nun.

Well, they get promoted
though, don't they?

Oh, it's a big step, Radar.

Sometimes it takes centuries.

- Father, do you mind if I ask
you a religious question?
- Of course not.

When you get a letter
from your sister the sister...

does she call you Father,
brother or Lieutenant, Father?

She calls me by
my given name... Francis.

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

That's all right, Radar.

I'm here to entertain
the troops.

Wow! Well.

- She's coaching girls'
basketball.
- Oh?

Saint Mary's 42, visitors 28.

Saint Mary's 56, visitors 39.

Oh, my.

They whipped the pants off
Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrows.

I better continue
on my appointed rounds, Father.

- Mail call.
- What a sweet sound.

Like a canary
with fresh newspapers.

All you got was
the Crabapple Cove Courier.

Never underestimate the
power of the press, Radar.

-It's from your wife.
-Mm-hmm.

-From your wife.
-Mm-hmm.

-From your wife.
-[chuckling]

And from
Waggle Hunnicutt.

-My dog.
-Your dog?

My wife does the actual
writing, actually.

Surely you jest.

[laughing]
Dogs can't write.

Are you kidding?

I once knew a Cocker Spaniel
covered the dog show

for the New York Times.

-[laughing]
-Oh, yeah.

He would have won
the Pulitzer Prize,

but that was the year
Joyce Kilmer wrote "Trees."

Get this.

"Nathan Wicket
leaves farm to donkey."

I knew them.
They were very close.

Hey, the baby said
a whole sentence.

HAWKEYE:
What'd she say?

"Boo da be babba."

The kid is brilliant.

Peggy says it means,
"mother, I've had

"enough strained apricots
and wish to take my nap now."

You didn't have
to explain it.

Get this. "Lyle Brown,
local fisherman,

"suffers double hernia
pulling in lobster traps.

"Eight lobsters escaped
during the disaster.

"Lyle told reporters,
'They haven't seen
the last of me.'"

Hey, Frank's letter
is open.

Oh-oh, yeah.
Uh, it was an accident.

I was, uh, boiling some water
for Colonel Potter's tea

while I was sorting mail,
and it come open.

Steam'll do that.

Well, it was
an accident. Honest.

What did it
accidentally say?

Are you kidding?
I'm no sneak.

I'm not a spy.

Radar, it's okay
to be an American spy.

Right, good guys can
do anything rotten.

His wife wants
a divorce.

Oh, wow.

Hey, this is
big stuff, Radar.

Yeah.

Uh, some officer
was passing through here.

Anyway, he meets
Louise back home.

see, that's
Mrs. Major Burns,

and he spills
the beans about him
and Major Houlihan.

Frank'll blow
his brains out.

If he can find
a peashooter.

Well, won't this
make him happy?

-Uh-uh.
-No, now he's free
to marry Major Houlihan.

Radar, Major Burns
doesn't want to leave mommy.

There's a 10,000 mile
umbilical cord

between here
and Indiana.

I don't
understand that.

The telephone company
puts it on your bill.

Oh.

What are you doing here
in officers' country?

Uh, just delivering
the mail, sir.

Well, then deliver
it and get lost,
you little drip.

Uh, I was talkin'
to the guys.

The guys.
The guys?

I am Major Burns.
This is Captain Pierce.

That is Captain Hunnicutt.

We are not guys.

I thought I was.

-Get out!
-Yes, sir.

You do not
salute inside!

Uh, just in case I don't
see you outside, sir.

Get out!

Why must you
encourage him, huh?

We like Radar, Frank.

He's soft and cuddly.

And almost housebroken.

How is he ever
going to learn his place

if you keep letting him
think he's an equal, huh?

Tsk.

This letter is open.

Humidity.

Steam'll do that.

Everything okay
at home, Frank?

Uh, fine. Yeah.

Yeah. The, uh,
crabgrass is in bloom,

and the cat
had puppies.

Hmm. The sardine
cannery burned down.

"The last structure
in town designed by
Frank Lloyd Wright."

[tearing]

[indistinct shouting]

Paper say anything
about snow?

Frank.
It came, it came.

The fatigues
from Hollywood.

-Oh, oh.
-You naughty thing.

Uh, not now,
Margaret, uh...

I wanna
show it to you.

I must use the phone.

You have feathers
in your hair.

Uh, it's a scalp
condition.

Frank, what's wrong?

Something dreadful's
happened.

I've got to call home.

Oh, Lord,
Is someone dying?

Uh, if only it was
that unimportant.

Okay. Sir,

your daughter-in-law
isn't at Mercy Hospital.

Did you call
my son's home?

Yes, sir, but I just got
his answering service.

They said, uh,
"Leave your name and
your gum condition."

-Try that Jewish hospital.
-What's the name, sir?

Uh, Holy Moses.
Something like that.

Is my call through
to Indiana yet?

Uh, not right
now, sir.

I got another call
goin' through to Ohio.

Don't give me any
of your snottiness!

I'm not that old
dimwit you work for.

The Ohio call's
mine, Major.

Oh, sir. I--

Ah, it's just a little
joke with Radar here.

[chuckling]

I'd watch that
dimwit talk, Burns.

Your bulb's been out
since I met you.

Definitely, sir.

Hello?
Yeah, Seoul?

Uh, listen, try
that Jewish hospital.

Uh, look under Moses.

Would that be
Bernie Moses, sir?

No, first name.

Sir, my call is
awfully important.

I have a terrible
problem at home.

You're gonna have
a problem here

if you don't stop
shooting off your bazoo.

-Yes, sir.
-Sir, your call's
goin' through.

It's plain ol'
Moses Memorial.

Hello?
Hello?

Colonel Sherman Potter here.
Calling from Korea.

Korea, where all
the fun is.

Is there
a Jeanine Potter--

-Uh, sir?
-Oh, sorry.

Jeanine Potter
registered there?

Maternity.

-No, no. Potter, not Potash.
-[sighing]

What? I'll try it.
Thank you.

-They said try City General.
-Right.

City General.
That's where my son
was born, 1926.

My wife went into labor

the minute she heard
Valentino died.

Gee, I hope
she's better now, sir.

Coming along.

Colonel Potter.

What's the matter
with you, Burns?

You act like you've got
termites in your truss.

Hello?
Hello?

Can I talk to you
in your office, sir?

Well, make it snappy.

I'm a grandfather
and don't even know it.

All right, Burns,
spit it out.

It's, uh,
my wife, sir.

Speak up, Burns.

I've got to call home.

My wife's very upset.

She misses me terribly
and-and wants a divorce.

She got another stallion
in the paddock?

Oh, heaven forbid.

No, she worships
the ground I walk on.

-Who told you that?
-My mother.

"Daring Robbery.

"Saturday night last,

"the home of Mr. and
Mrs. Marshall Staggs,

"popular local welding team,
was burglarized.

"The Staggs had driven
over to Morgansville

"to get new nipples
for their acetylene tank.

"Stolen were
the following items:

"Mr. Staggs's World War II
discharge button,

"which was in the lapel
of his synthetic

"banker's-gray
flannel suit,

"Mrs. Staggs's entire collection
of glass paperweights,

"including one,
when shaken,

"produces a snowstorm
falling on a coyote

"poised to eat
a woodpecker...

"a set of porcelain
his-and-her shavings mugs--"

Shavings mugs.
Shaving--

Shaving mug.

Shavings mug.
All right.

"And several items
of Mrs. Staggs's clothing."

Page, uh, four.
Here, here it is.

"A wetted silk cocktail frock...

"a synthetic camel's hair
topcoat...

"three house dresses,
four pairs of shoes...

"and Mrs. Staggs's wedding gown.

"Police Chief Baylor states...

'I believe this to be the work
of roving transvestites.'"

And people say nothing exciting
ever happens in Crabapple Cove.

Sir, I found your
daughter-in-law.
She's at City General.

What about the baby?
What is it?

I can't get another line
through for two hours.

There's only one operator
on duty at Seoul

-because of the parade.
-What parade?

Uh, Syngman Rhee was just
elected dictator again.

-Keep after 'em, Radar.
-Yes, sir.

Hey, you're
supposed to knock.

In my grief, do I
know what I'm doin'?

Colonel, do you want
to see Corporal Klinger?

Might as well.
I probably won't be going

to the Easter parade.

Don't upset him.

What now, Klinger?

-Don't ask.
-Then shove off.

Ask.

All right, what is it?

Tragedy has struck
my family, sir.

I have a letter here
from my mother.

And?

It is about
the tragedy, sir.

Here is the tragedy.

My two brothers,
Maurice and Hakim,

died in an explosion
of the boiler

at the Toledo
Harmonica Company.

Two brothers?
That's rough.

My heart's in pieces.

Older brothers?

Mmm, I was the baby.

Hakim would bathe me,
Maurice would nurse me.

So, according to the
Selective Service Act

subsection 31-B,
paragraph six,

small A,
tragedy-wise.

As sole remaining son,

I'm entitled to immediate
discharge from this,

the United States
of America Army.

While you process it,
I'll pack.

-Yo!
-Question, Sherm?

-Sherm?
-I was overcome by
a wave of civilianism.

First of all, this is
in your handwriting.

I translated my mother's
letter, sir.

It was in Lebanese.

-Let me see it.
-I burned it.

-Mm-hmm.
-It's part of
a religious ceremony.

Held when two brothers die
in a harmonica factory.

Or a camel race.
Whatever.

Klinger, this is your
personal record.

Yes, sir.

You have no brothers.

Whoever said that
was lying.

You said that.

Right, I was lying, sir.

They were in
the country illegal.

Ugh, they-they lived
under the front porch.

We fed them
through the cracks.

And now they're dead.
[weeping]

Klinger, you've gotta
live before you die.

Oh, you said
a mouthful, sir.

And they never did.
You made this whole thing up.

-How can you tell?
-I know you.

Every time you tell a lie,
your nose gets smaller.

Dismissed.

-I'll be back.
-I'll be here.

-They're kidding.
-What?

"Chick Siddons reports
the loss of several calves.

They weren't branded,
but one of them was
wearing a gray felt hat."

-A calf wearing
a gray felt hat?
-Just for downtown.

Must you bore everyone
with that dull, hometown news?

Dull? Listen to this.

"Noel Coward, Cole Porter
and Marlene Dietrich...

"were seen dining at Eddie's Bar
and Grill on Route Six.

"Cole Porter was heard to say,

'Eddie, this boiled catfish
is a trip to the moon
on gossamer wings.'"

Oh, stop it! Just stop it!

You know,
when you're mad, you're ugly.

I heard that smirk!
How would you like to be
confined to your bed for a week?

Anywhere she goes,
I go with her.

Where's Frank, Margaret?
Still trying to call home?

-There's a crisis.
-Hurricane named Louise.

I'd love to tap into
that conversation.

I'd like to be
a mouse with earphones.

Oh, you'd just love to see me
squirm, wouldn't you?

Can I slip into
something comfy first?

We're through
to Indiana, Major.

Well, it's about time!

I went as fast
as I could, sir.

Oh, it's all right.

I'm very grateful,
Corporal.

I'm really not a bad
person, you know?

Yeah, I heard
that once, sir.

I've got terrific
pressures on me.

Always have.

RADAR:
Yes, sir.

[sighing]

My mother and father
never got divorced.

I'd have done much better
coming from a broken home.

-[clicking]
-Ooh.

-Well, now what?
-Uh, it'll be just
a minute, sir.

Hey, Klinger, when am I
gonna see my home movies?

Ready when
you are, C.B.

This is a private
phone call.

Have you dug
the new latrine?

Yes, sir.
It's beautiful.

A hole to remember.

Sir, your home phone
is ringing.

Louise?

Louise,
can you hear me?

Huh? Well, it's me.

Frank.

-Frank Burns.
-Frank Burns.

Can you hold on
a minute, sugar? Huh?

Go peddle your fish!

His old lady heard about
Major Houlihan, huh?

Yeah.
[sighing]

Just when he bought
her some underwear

you don't even need
a girl for.

No kiddin'?
Come on.

Gimme a hand
with the projector.

Hey, watch it,
will ya?

Why my phone?

Sir, I give so much
and ask for so little.

My wife's on the phone
right this minute

and I'd like to talk
to her privately.

All right, all right.
Shake a leg.

And don't get
the phone all sweaty.

I'll try, sir.

I'm back, Louise.
Right here.

Listen, sugar,
I just got your letter,

and, honey, sugar,
I can't believe it.

I just can't, you know,
believe it.

Darling, you know
that the moment I met you,

I lost all interest
in women.

Now, Louise, please.

No, no, no, no,
you must listen to me.

I don't care what
your mother said.

I don't care what
she told you about me.

No, no, no.
Now, please--

Huh?

Houlihan?

Well, we have
a Major Houlihan,

but that's laughable.
I mean, ha!

Major Houlihan's
an old war horse!

[laughing]

I don't care
what Chuck told you!

Attractive?

Houlihan?

She looks like
an Army mule with bosoms.

Well, not that
I ever noticed.

No, wait, wait, wait!
Louise? Honey?

I can't live
without you.

Oh. If you divorce me,
I'll do myself an injury.

I'll run right out
into the middle of the war!

Oh, please!
Sugar.

Well, who wouldn't cry?

Jiminy Cricket.

Your picture's in my wallet,
and I'm sitting on it.

And if that isn't love,
I don't know what is.

That's my sugar.

Yes, yes, yes,
I'll write you a long
letter right away.

And you get rid
of that lawyer.

Oh, Louise.

Am I, uh, still in
your father's will, huh?

[chuckles]
Good.

Well, darling,
they're gonna cut us off.

Yeah.
I love you, angel.

Only you.

[smooching]

[chuckling]

War horse?
Army mule?

-Margaret.
-Stuff it!

Margaret!

Margaret, I had to
say those things.

-Try to understand.
-Leave me alone,
you chinless chipmunk!

Margaret, please.

Remove your hand,
or I'll zap you
with my knee!

Margaret.

I had to lie.

The stocks and the house
are in her name.

Now, Margaret, dear,

why don't I bring over
my can of Sterno?

Uh, we can have
some hot toddies,

and you can put on
your new nightie.

You put on
my new nightie!

Forty-five dollars.

Sold.

Are alterations
included?

Oh, go practice
your putts.

HAWKEYE:
What is this, Radar,

"How to Make Vaseline
in Combat"?

It's a home movie, sir.

B.J.: "How to Make
Vaseline at Home."

No, it's Sunday dinner
at Ottumwa, Iowa.

My Uncle Ed took 'em.

My mother's in there
and everything.

Ready to roll.

Everybody here?

Hawkeye, B.J., me,
Klinger, Radar?

Let's go.

Oh, and Father Mulcahy.
I'm sorry.

That's quite all right.

I'm often mistaken
for being absent.

RADAR:
Hey, focus it.

-I'm focusing.
-That's my mother
and my dog Ranger.

That's my Uncle David.

RADAR:
Oh, that's my cousin, uh,
Millie and my Uncle Bill.

Hi.

RADAR:
I love you, Walter.

Gee, Dad, talkies.

MULCAHY:
Who's Walter?

-That's my given name.
-Give it back.

KLINGER:
What are they doing?

RADAR:
Hey, they're doing that
'cause I'm in the army.

B.J.: Since when?

[all laughing]

MULCAHY: Hey, Radar,
who's that man in the dark suit?

-RADAR: That's my Uncle Bill.
-MULCAHY: Is he a clergyman?

Uh, he wanted to be,
but he couldn't
find a good corner.

[all laughing]

-HAWKEYE: Look at that food!
-B.J.: Oh, chocolate cake!

RADAR: Yeah, my mom makes
great chocolate cake.

-HAWKEYE: Look at that milk.
-B.J.: Ah! Oh!

-KLINGER: I'd eat those flowers.
-MULCAHY: Lovely table.

HAWKEYE:
What's in that bowl, Radar?

Oh, that fruit salad with
those little marshmallows.

What do they
call that?

That fruit salad with
those little marshmallows.

Right.

Grace!

RADAR: Thank you
for the world so sweet,

thank you for the food we eat.

Thank you for
the birds that sing,

thank you, God,
for everything.

MULCAHY: Lovely.

HAWKEYE:
Look at the buns!

-B.J: NO.
-RADAR: Yeah.

-B.J.: Did your mother
make those?
-Yeah. They smell great too.

-HAWKEYE: I know.
I can smell them.
-This is my cousin Millie.

-She runs a charm school.
-Charm school?

RADAR: No kidding.
A charm school and gas station.

[all laughing]

Hey, watch this guy.
That's my Uncle David.

Watch him now. Watch.

-B.J.: The one with
the sense ofhumor.
-Yeah. I told you about him.

He can do binoculars
with corn on the cob...

salt and pepper shakers
and toilet paper rolls.

HAWKEYE:
A meal in itself.

RADAR: That's my mom
and Ranger again.

HAWKEYE:
You know, you look
a lot like Ranger.

RADAR:
We grew up together.

Gee.

Oh, I think it's
gonna rain.

POTTER: Either that
or it's a two-pound robin.

-[chuckling]
-What was that, sir?

Later.

HAWKEYE:
She's gonna put the flowers
back in the ground.

RADAR:
That's my Aunt Emily too.

-HAWKEYE: What's this?
-Oh, I think they're goin'
in to listen to the radio.

B.J.:
Jack Benny.

-Fred Allen.
-Bishop Sheen.

"The Shadow knows."

[humming]

RADAR:
Bye, Uncle Dave.

Oh, there's my sled.

That's my cousin Jimmy.

He just started
wearin' those glasses.

Bye again, Ranger.

So long,
Mrs. O'Reilly.

[clapping]

-POTTER: Nice pictures, Radar.
-Thank you, sir.

-Radar?
-[phone ringing]

Oh, I'll get it.

Radar certainly bears
a striking resemblance
to his mother.

Well, he is wearing
her genes.

Sir, it's Ohio!
Your son!

Son, Dad.

Well, what's
the big news?

The 23rd,
eight and a half pounds.

And what's his name?

Cheryl? Sherry?

My grandson's a girl.

Oh, heck no,
I'm not disappointed.

How's Jeanine?

You give that
soldier a big kiss.

Is Mother pleased?

Oh, can I talk--

Oh, phooey.

-[Potter blowing nose]
-You too?

I lost the baby pool.

Bless my soul.
I won.

A little inside
information, Father?

No, not at all.

I just know a little bit
more about conceptions.

HAWKEYE:
Lieutenant Kelly,
that cigar is you.

To Sherry Pershing Potter,
my granddaughter.

A long and happy hitch.

ALL: Hear! Hear!

KLINGER:
Here we go.

Reinforcements,
Colonel Grandpa.

Klinger,
where'd you get
that negligee?

I found it
in the garbage.

War is such a waste.

Klinger, it's you.

♪ Let me call
you sweetheart ♪

ALL:
♪ I'm in love with you

♪♪ [theme]