All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E13 - The Gun (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [slow jazz]

[knocking]

RADAR: Major?

[record skipping]

[knocking]

Major, ma'am?

♪♪ [continues]

[record stops]

-Major?
-Aah!

Aah!

How dare you paw me!

I didn't paw you!
I pawed your book!

-You're going on report!
-For what?

For uncovering
an officer's leg!

Ma'am, I never
touched your leg!

Your leg was naked
when I came in!

How dare you say
"naked" to me!

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

Stop staring at my leg!

I'm not! I am!

Don't you wish you could
all the time...

stare at it,
and touch it, and feel it!

Oh, no, ma'am.

You don't find it
attractive?

Oh, yes, ma'am.
It's a beautiful leg.

-You think so?
-Yes.

It reminds me
of my pony back home,

-only his hair's brown.
-Out! Get out!

Wait a minute!
Come back here!

-What do you want?
-Oh, yeah.

There's an ambulance
coming in. They want
you to scrub.

-Don't touch that!
-Oh, gee.

Just leave this tent exactly
the way you found it.

-You got it.
-Exactly!

♪♪ [resumes]

[tires screeching]

-What do we got here, Radar?
-Road accident.

This country's a course
in creative killing.

-X-rays here, Radar.
-Take him to X-ray.

Careful with him.
He may have busted ribs.

What have we got here?

Come on. More X-rays.

Right. Follow him.

Right femur here.

Looks like Saturday night
at the speedway.

-Everything under control?
-So far.

B.J.: Be careful. Watch it.

You sure know how
to make a doctor crazy.

I may write you
an obscene prescription.

Fracture.
Ankle fractured.

Gonna check for possible
skull fracture.

We got knocked off the road
by a tank, Doc.

He just kept going.

A clear case
of crush and run.

It was one of ours.

We were goin' up north
with Colonel Chaffey,

and wham!

The tank crowds us
right into an embankment.

How can Americans
do that to each other?

Ever see
Gone With the Wind?

I'll take care of that
for him, Doc.

He gets it when he goes.

-Radar.
-Yo.

Colonel Chaffey's
bats about that gun.

He'll get
a receipt for it.

It's S.O.P., soldier.

Okay, guys,
let's move him out.

Whatever you say,
Commodore.

-Sirs.
-Look out.

MAN [on P.A.]: Nurse Plummer,
report to the O.R.

Nurse Plummer, please.

Nurse Gage to X-ray.

Second post-op shift,
please report at 0500 hours.

POTTER: More people
hurt by vehicles

than anything else
in battle. That's a fact.

Let me know if this hurts.

I almost bought it
that way in World War I.

I was taking a nap
on the side of a hill

when I heard a low rumbling
I took to be distant artillery.

I looked up just in time
to roll out of the path

of a breakaway
portable latrine.

-They didn't really have those.
-HAWKEYE: Absolutely.

America had the first armored
men's room. Right, Colonel?

You're a bigger liar
than I am.

How's our colonel doing?

Broken ankle.

Reckon he'll have to rest up
in the fort for a spell.

He came in totin'
a six-shooter.

Chrome, with a bone grip.

The kind we used to sign
Indian treaties with.

My uncle Claude
collected fancy guns.

He was cleaning them one day

when his prized piece
went off.

The bullet severed his foot,

kept going across the room,
and killed the cat.

They buried Tabby
in one shoe box

and Uncle Claude's toe
in another.

Really.

Isn't a G.I.-issue handgun
enough for these army types?

If you like packing hardware,

you're always looking
for a unique weapon.

So you can play soldier
while you're playing soldier.

My father wouldn't
let me have any toy

that even looked like a gun.

I was miserable
till I discovered dolls.

I shot a bear once...
in the penny arcade.

I wanted to break through
that glass and fix up his
shoulder.

-Hawk, you were
a sensitive child.
-Oh, yes.

I studied the violin
till I beat up the teacher.

That hurt you yet?

I must be ready
to get my license.

Attention, Major Burns.
Attention, Major Houlihan.

Together again.

Majors Burns and Houlihan
to the compound, please.

If you liked them
in the laundry room,

you'll love them
in the compound.

-Oops. Sorry, dear.
-It's okay, honey.

Gimme that, you nut!

Frank, you've got
to set an example.

Listen.
I was sound asleep,

and suddenly there's
all these wounded.

I mean...
It's nearly midnight.

Why can't they fight
from 9:00 to 6:00?

Maybe the next war, Frank.
Maybe the next.

Can you pray somewhere
else, Father?

You're genuflecting
right in the way.

Well, I was only offering
a bit of comfort.

I'll call you
when it's time for kindness.

Okay, start an I.V.
Two units of plasma.

Klinger!

Come on, pal.
Give me the gun.

You'll get it back, honest.

Hey, what's
the ruckus here?

He won't let go
of it, sir.

Oh, good for you, son.

A soldier's best friend
is his gun.

You take care of it,
and it'll take care of you.

-He's unconscious, sir.
-That's all right.
He understands.

Maybe if I was, I would.

Did you call, ma'am?

First litter.
Ward three.

Okay, chest,
head injuries.

-Those are your best things.
-Oh.

-Coming through.
-Here.

Let me help.
The gun bin's on my way.

Thank you, sir.

-Move your can!
-What?

Move your can, sir.

I'll remember that,
doggie breath.

-This will just take
a minute, sir.
-Oh, it's all right.

I can't start till
Pierce and Hunnicutt

finish showing off
in surgery.

You think you got enough
keys there, Corporal?

Oh, I need 'em all, sir.

This one's to
Colonel Potter's office.

This is oats
for his horse.

Oh, this one's
to my bike in Iowa.

Every time my sister
borrows it,

uh, the chain slips.

Here we go.

What's that?

Yeah, how about that?
Ain't that something?

It's a gun, sir.

A colonel's gun.

It just came in tonight.

Oh, that's an old beauty.

Yes, sir.

Man, that feels good.

Perfectly balanced.

[as John Wayne]
Ya better
believe it, Mister,

or you're dead
where you stand.

Who's that supposed
to be?

-John Wayne.
-John Wayne?

He doesn't sound
anything like you.

No, sir.

Oh, that's a dandy piece.

Yes, sirree Bob,
that's one shootin' iron.

Eh, you've, uh, better
put her to bed, Corporal.

Yes, sir.

[whistling]

Shouldn't you be getting
back to surgery, sir?

I'm sure in the dull
part of the war.

How do you feel this
morning, Colonel Chaffey?

Oh, about like you'd expect

after losing an argument
with a tank.

We checked on your jeep.

-Flattened?
-B.J.: Mm-hmm.

They're shipping it
to your house

and slipping it
under the door.

You're in our "lucky
to be alive" department.

How about my men?

Okay, give or take
a few fractures.

Are you the one
that fixed me up?

I just held the ball.
He did the punting.

I'd like to show you
my appreciation.

Maybe you could end the war
a day or two sooner.

We're not allowed
to take cash.

I'll do my best.

Oh, hey, Doc, um,
when I came in,

I was wearing a gun,
a Colt .45.

Not to worry.

The receipt for that gun
is right in here.

Oh, thanks, Doc.

I wouldn't want
to lose that baby.

We think of everything.

When you're ready,
we even stamp your hand,

and you get right back
into battle.

-[knocking]
-Ah, who is it?

-FRANK: That "Major" person.
-Come in.

Exercising?

Yoga.

It's changing
my whole life, Frank.

I feel so vital and alive!

You ought to try it.
Get your blood moving.

I don't need it,
you little Hindu.

-I've got you. Ahhh.
-Roughneck.

Ow! What is that?

Oh, sorry, sweets. I forgot I
was packing this.

How about these apples, huh?

Frank, it's gorgeous!
A Colt.45.

1884! Dad had one
just like this!

Where did you get it?

Well,
I've had it for years.

I finally sent for it.

I just, uh, missed
my old pal.

Why don't you wear it
as a regular side arm?

Oh, it looks smashing.

Oh, it's not
for every day.

Instead of
your service .45.

Oh, wear it, Frank.
It's adorable!

No, I think I'll keep it
under wraps for a while.

And-and-and don't
say anything.

E-everyone's jealous
enough as it is.

Oh, I know.
Oh, what a surprise.

Who'd have thought you had
a revolver like old Dad?

[both chuckling]

Okay, let's see...

6-9-2-3-4-8-3-3.

Just a sec.

[jet roaring]

Boy, sometimes it feels
like they're flying

in your ear
and out the other.

Four-eight-three-three...

Here you go, guy.
Just like you left it.

Thanks, Corporal.

You're welcome.
Take care.

Holy moley!

B.J.:
What's Stars and Stripeshave
to say this morning, Colonel?

Eighty cadets were just
expelled from West Point

for cheating on their exams.

They should all
be sentenced to
this breakfast.

I'm sure sick of
this powdered stuff.

Colonel, couldn't we
once have fresh eggs?

Only if you can lay 'em.

Ask a foolish question...

Well, at least one of you
still remembers his manners.

Not at all. My shorts
were just riding up on me.

Says here Eisenhower's spending
a lot of time playing golf.

More fun than
playing President.

-What's his handicap?
-A lot of people say Nixon.

-Colonel.
-That's me, Radar.

Sir, I have
something to report

that I wish I could
do almost anything
else instead of

but which I guess
I got no choice.

Radar, if you
bring that sentence
in for a fitting,

I can have it
shortened by Wednesday.

One of the casualties, son?

No, sir.

You know that
Colonel Chaffey's gun,
the fancy job...

-bone grips, shiny barrel?
-Yes.

-It's gone.
-Stolen?

It's out of the gun bin.

Anybody but you
handle the keys?

They never leave me.
I sleep with them.

I shower with them.

Rusty they'll never get.

When did you see
the gun last?

Last night, Major Burns
and I stored some rifles.

What are they
starin' at?

Don't worry.
From that angle,

they can't see
under the table.

He couldn't have
taken it, sir.

We both left together.

Someone must have
lifted your keys.

I never should
have gone to sleep.

You can't stay awake
for the duration, Radar.

Even MacArthur
went to sleep.

Only when he was
being given orders.

Radar, we'll turn
the camp inside out.

If it's here,
we'll find it.

We're not gonna
let you spend

15 years in
the stockade.

15 years, sir?

Well, that's what
you can get for this.

I'll be in my 30s.

That's almost dead.

-Father.
-Colonel.

Is it possible to
pray for a revolver?

A gun?

You want to pray
for a gun?

-That's right.
-Is it at least American?

Thanks.

Colonel Chaffey?

I'm Colonel Potter,
C.O. Of the hospital.

Oh, and a fine one
it is, Colonel.

You've taken good care
of a lot of my people.

We've got a pretty good
life-and-limb shop here,

but I, for one, wouldn't
mind goin' out of business.

Lots of headaches?

I've got one right now

that you may have to
take an aspirin for.

Your gun is missing.

Damn it! I had a
feeling that that--

Stolen from the gun bin.

-Well, have you
searched the base?
-Thoroughly.

We've confiscated a ton
of moonshine equipment,

a three-day-pass
printing press,

and a cockfight
training camp.

-But no gun.
-Not yet.

Well, who was in
charge of the gun bin?

-A corporal.
-Corporal who?

What was the
non-com-poop's name?

O'Reilly.

I want him, Colonel.

I'll get him.

Not the whole corporal.

Just his head...
on a platter!

MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all
personnel. Attention.

Tonight's movie is
Kansas City Confidential.

This will
be of special interest
to anyone who missed it

when it was shown
every night this month.

-Hi, Frank.
-That's what you think.

-Got a minute, Frank?
-For what?

-Nothing really.
-Oh, you can have
all that you want.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

-No funny stuff.
-Us? Frank!

Last time we
were alone,

you whitewashed
my behind.

We've given up
still lifes, Frank.

Take five, fellas.

Well, what do you want?

I mean, if it's money,
I'm strapped myself.

We know, Frank.

You're sending 11 nephews
through ballet school.

-It isn't money.
-Oh, good.

-It's about a gun.
-I haven't touched it.

-Touched what?
-The gun.

-Which gun?
-Whichever one
you're talking about.

-Let us describe it.
-Oh, that's fair enough.

That way you'll know
what you're talking about.

That's not really
necessary for me.

-Eh, it helps us.
-Eh, suit yourself.

[air hissing]

-The gun.
-A collector's item.

-An old western six-shooter.
-The steel is chromed.

-With bone handles.
-Right.

-And I haven't seen it!
-Radar says you did.

That miserable,
little fink.

He's a dirty,
rotten fibber!

It's congenital.

He's incapable of
telling the truth.

Radar is a fibber?

That's right,
a born liar.

-Radar?
-Yes!

He says you
didn't take it.

Well, why would he lie?

-Frank.
-Well, what more do you want?

You've got his word
against mine, and--

Frank, if that gun
doesn't turn up,

Colonel Chaffey is
gonna chuck Radar
in the stockade.

I'm very fond
of Radar, Frank.

He's both the child
and pet I never had.

Well, what's that to me?

Frank, we know how you
appreciate guns.

Isn't it possible, if you
saw a unique old weapon,

you might just want to
borrow it for a while,

-just to study it?
-That's not what happened!

And then you
just couldn't get
it back in time

to get the
heat off Radar?

Frank, don't make us
get the whitewash.

Radar is innocent
until proven guilty.

-Correct?
-Correct.

But he and only he
seems to be entitled

to that sort of
consideration.

Correct?

Hah!

Don't you hate it
when he's right?

Hmm.

♪♪ [ragtime]

Boy, you really
gotta watch out for
yourself in the army.

I found that out, boy.

It's every man
for himself.

-How many beers you had?
-One.

-Take it easy, huh?
-It's okay.

I know just
when to throw up.

Yeah, in the service, you got
to cover up your you-know-what,

or you'll get it kicked.

You'll get your rear end
kicked right in the butt.

You're telling me?

You're probably the only
guy who understands.

I don't know how I smile
through the makeup.

I just hope whoever
swiped that gun

has a lot of fun with it.

I hope he has
a lot of fun with it

while I'm spending
15 years in the stockade.

Ah, you ain't
spending no 15 years.

15 years.

By the time I get out,
I'll be a hardened "crinimal."

Take it easy.
You're getting yourself
all "morosed" up.

First they'll bust me,

and then they'll
take away my stripes.

Do you know how proud
I was to get them?

There's 400 kids
in my old high school--

Ottumwa Central.

Ottumwa. Give me an O.

Give me a T-T-T.

When I made corporal
after basic training,

I sent every one of them
a picture of me in my stripes.

I sat in one of those
four-for-a-quarter booths

and took 400 pictures
of myself.

It cost me 25 bucks,

and I had to sit there
for 16 hours.

But everyone got a picture.

And now they can
just tear them up

because my corporal days
are over.

15 years.

My earthworms will
be dead and buried.

Things don't happen
till they do, you know?

15 years!

I'm going to jail
in my puberty,

and I won't come out
till my adultery.

[clears throat]

Attention, please.
Colonel Potter speaking.

The result of our search
for the missing Colt .45

has been one big goose egg.

The consequences
can be serious.

If whoever stole
the missing gun
will give it back,

there will be
no questions asked.

Your cooperation will be more
than greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Ahhh.

-[crash]
-Rats!

[keys jingle]

These are probably
for his dumb bicycle.

Excuse me, sir,
Colonel.

What is it?

My name is
Radar O'Reilly.

I'm the guy who
had his picture taken
for 16 hours for nothin'

on account
of your gun.

So you're the man
responsible.

Yes, I am.

And I've got
something to say,

no respect intended.

What do you need a gun
like that for anyway?

Corporal, you're drunk.

[as John Wayne] You better
believe it, Mister,

or I'm dead where you stand.

[gunshot]

My bear went off!

Father! Was that
a shot I just heard?

It may have been.
It sounded like it.

But I don't want to start
any unsubstantiated rumors.

But that's the scuttlebutt.

Thank you, Father.

-[knocking]
-Who is it?

FRANK:
It's me, Margaret.

-Open this stupid door!
-Frank, what?

I've been wounded,
Margaret.

-Help me.
-Frank, where?

In the foot. I was...
cleaning my gun... the Colt...

and it accidentally went off.

Frank, that's not
your gun.

I was passing
the supply room,

and I saw someone trying
to put the colonel's gun
back in the bin,

and I jumped him.

We struggled,
and he shot me!

Or they did.

He may have been
more than one person.

-Careful.
-Okay, okay.

-Oh.
-It just nicked the side.

[whimpering]
Well, it hurts, Margaret.

It may not look bad,
but it's killing me.

I have a low
threshold of pain.

A hemorrhoid can
put me into a coma.

-Frank.
-Hmm?

-You stole that Colt!
-I never!

It's just that
I appreciate guns,

and it's a unique,
old weapon.

So I wanted to
borrow it... to study!

And then people misunderstood,
so I put it back.

Only the key wouldn't fit,
and it was dark.

You lied to me, Frank!

That's worse
than stealing.

Well, I happen to think
stealing is worse than lying.

And you did both!

So I ought to know.

Oh, my foot is throbbing,
Margaret.

Oh, all right.

-I'll get some dressing.
-No, please, later.

Let it quiet down
out there first.

Ohhh.

I did a terrible
thing, Margaret.

Oh, it's all right now.

I should have known better.

Well, at least you regret it.

Oh, never again.

When you
steal something,

don't ever try
to return it.

Sir.

Corporal, I'm glad
we were together

when my gun was found.

Couldn't have proved better
that you were guiltless.

And that I didn't
do it either, sir.

Colonel, as one old
soldier to another,

I'd lose that revolver.
It's a troublemaker.

What do you suggest?

Drop it in the sea.
Give it to a museum.

Put it under
glass somewhere.

It's my gun.
I'll keep it till I die.

And it won't
surprise me a bit.

-Adios.
-So long.

Feel better, Radar?

Except for
my hangover, sir.

Everything's all
jumpy and blurry.

I didn't have a drink,

and I got
the same problem.

What's the matter, Frank?
Kick a brick under a derby?

Maybe the gout,
all that rich food.

Oh, it's, uh, an
old football injury,
if you must know.

It acts up
once in a while.

I wouldn't use
a bandage, Frank.

The powder burns will
heal faster that way.

Well, of course they will.
I know that.

Powder burns?
What are you implying?

Nothing, Frank.

It was just a shot
in the dark.

Check.

Ah.

Ha ha ha ha!

♪♪ [theme]