All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E12 - Soldier of the Month (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

-KLINGER: Potatoes?
-RADAR: Yeah.

-Corn?
-Yeah.

Hey, what's underneath
that gravy there?

Only The Shadow
knows, hmm?

[evil laugh]

I'll take some.

Keep eating this slop

and you'll get
the purple tongue.

Think you've got enough
to eat there, son?

I can always go back
for more, sir.

Colonel, Major Burns
has something to say.

POTTER:
What is it?

He'd like you to start
the meeting right away.

He has to be
back on post-op duty
in half an hour.

You're in very high
voice today, Frank.

Maybe you should
loosen your shorts.

Still suffering from
incurable wisecracker-itis,
eh, Pierce?

Right, Frank, the doctors
have only given me

six months before
I kill you.

All right, all right.
We're supposed to be
officers here.

Set an example,
which is one reason

I've called this meeting.
Radar, take notes.

Yes, sir.

If you haven't
eaten your pencil.

First of all,
let me say

I appreciate how
tired you all are.

Unfortunately, until we
find out what's causing
this fever thing,

we're gonna have to keep
working round the clock.

Any news from the lab
at Seoul, Colonel?

Father Mulcahy's
down there now on R&R.

Rest and resurrection.

I'm hoping he'll come back
with some new info.

Meantime, we can expect more
fever patients by tonight.

We're running
out of beds now.

I'm for doubling up.

I bet.

I'm just that
kind of guy.

Can I break in
with a little trivia
about the subject?

Doctor.

How do you deal with
a disease that doesn't
even have a name,

no antibiotics that work,

nothing we can do
but supportive care?

Yeah, what ever happened
to the good old days?

Artery transplants,
re-secting intestines,

something we could
sink our teeth into.

I guess all that went out
with good taste, Frank.

There is one thing,
just a hunch from H.Q.,

They think there's
a possibility

the fever could be
caused by rat-borne
mites and fleas.

Has anyone noticed more
rats hanging around

the camp lately?

Just the old couple that's
building a family room

in my shaving kit.

I've seen rats around here
the size of dogs.

I've even heard some
complaining about people

running around
their tent.

I want to establish
a control officer

who will be responsible for
all the rats on the base.

Volunteers?

POTTER:
Very sporting, Pierce.

Not at all.

My friends,
some men are born great,

others achieve greatness.

And others are destined
to work with rats.

I would like to nominate someone
who is eminently qualified.

A man who was
born for this job.

A man who can
look a rat in the eye and
meet him on his own terms.

I give you
Major Frank Burns.

Will anyone
second this notion?

-B.J.: Here, here.
-Thank you, but, uh,

I really can't accept.

Oh, I'm already in charge of
rumor control.

-I've heard that.
-Yeah.

I think if this assignment
helps relieve
the fever situation,

there ought to be
some sort of promotion.

Maybe even
a field mouse commission.

All right, all right,
uh, but just remember--

Frank Burns did
more than his share.

Also, morale
has become a problem.

But I have something here

that I think might be
helpful in picking people up.

It's a war
department directive

for a soldier of
the month contest.

Some lucky enlisted man

will get to spend
six days in Tokyo.

Wow.

All you have to do
is win the war

in 25 words or less.

Why can't they send all
the guys over for six days?

And stop the fighting?

Have you ever seen a general
in an unemployment office?

"Candidates will be judged
on dress and deportment.

"Finalists will be
given an oral quiz

on historical knowledge."

Announce this and
have everyone bone up.

-Yes, sir.
-The judge, by order of H.Q.,

will be Second-In-Command
Major Burns.

I heard that.

You know, I've never
been to Tokyo, sir.

But it sure has been
a pet dream of mine,

ever since I was
a tiny, little soldier.

Down, Radar.

Right.

I think this is
an excellent directive.

Nothing is too good
for the men.

I guess that's why
they get so much of it.

Nice to see you
come out in favor of
the enlisted, Major.

Well, of course.
I may be higher in rank,

but we all zip our
pants the same way.

Why do I feel
this meeting is over?

Dismissed.

At ease, soldier.
You'll give yourself
a concussion.

Oh, leave him alone.
I find it refreshing

to see a salute around
here for a change.

That goes double
ditto for me.

These two get
any more G.I.,

we'll have to start
folding them at sunset.

Ma'am, don't strain
your gut.

Thank you, Corporal.

[chuckles]
Soldier of the month
candidate, right?

Tie and everything.

Love the way you
shined your nose.

You figure I got
a chance with him?

I think he
prefers blonds.

All right.
Get moving, Corporal.

Stop standing there
trying to sell a pup.

Yes, sir,
Your Majorship.

Another fever case.

His temperature's
very high.

He's got chills and
a severe headache.

A thousand c.c.s?
Who ordered this?

What's it to you,
friend?

-Frank, don't you
think maybe it's time
-Hmm?

we started cutting
down on fluids?

These men are thirsty,
Dr. Nosenheimer.

I didn't have to study
medicine for seven years

to know the prescription
for thirst is water.

Yeah, but look
at the kidney output.

He's taken in
two liters today,

and he hasn't
produced enough

to water
Aunt Martha's petunias.

His kidneys have
shut down, Frank.

Acute renal failure.

These men are dehydrated
from the fever,

which is why we're
giving them fluids

in the first place.

Well, even you understand
that, don't you, Major?

You don't look
at all well, Frank.

Well, you stay up all
night slicing cheese
for rat traps.

Pierce!

Now, that one's all right.
His temperature's almost normal.

He's also in shock.
Acute renal shutdown.

We gotta get both
these guys to the
121st Hospital.

That's 50 miles away.

That's where the kidney
machine is, Frank.

And they don't have
a long cord.

-Sir? Hawkeye?
-Thanks for the
knighthood, Radar.

-Huh?
-What is it?

Uh, Father Mulcahy's
back from Seoul.

He says he's got news.

All right, good.
Get us a chopper.

Tag these two
for the 121st.

-Uh, right.
-B.J.

Think you can handle
things here, Frank?

I was suing people
for payment

before you even thought
of being a doctor.

It seems both the Japanese
and the Russian soldiers

came down with this
very same kind of fever,

same symptoms,
everything,

in northern Manchuria
during the late '30s.

Well, what was it, Father?
What are we dealing with?

It was a
Japanese-American,

uh, Nisei, who was
going through

some old Japanese
medical journals,

when he came across
the name

"hemorrhagic fever,"

and he realized that we're
dealing with the same thing.

The doctors then were just
as perplexed as you are now.

Great, we know
what to call it.

Only, we don't know
how to cure it.

There isn't a cure.

The only treatment is
common sense medicine.

Well, that
leaves out Frank.

MULCAHY:
Wait, wait. There's more.

"You must be very, very
careful to restrict fluids."

You see, the fever
often causes

the kidneys
to shut down.

It seems that if enough
fluids accumulate,

a man can actually drown
in his own tissues.

Can you imagine that?

So we were right.

Thanks for the
confirmation, Father.

Confirmation is
my middle name.

Here's some letters
from H.Q., sir.

Ah, yes, fan mail
from the rear echelon.

Oh, good.
Soldier of the Month quiz.

-And the answers.
-Oh.

Yeah. I'd better put this
in the company safe.

Combination, Radar?

Uh, your wife's
measurements, sir.

Right.

42... 36... 42.

Been boning up on
your history, Radar?

Uh, yes, sir.

It's just that there's
so much to cover,

I'm not sure I'll
learn it in time.

Well, perhaps
I can help you.

What part have you
gotten up to?

Um, just finished
"Genesis," sir.

Can you tell me how long
Adam and Eve were here
before Columbus?

It's quite
a long story, son.

Maybe after dinner.

I know it was at least
100 years,

'cause there was
Indians here by then.

Sir, I hope you remember
I did this for you

when the contest
rolls around.

Oh, for Pete's sake,
hurry up!

The truth is, sir,
I'm not really crazy.

I only wore dresses
so people would think that.

But I know I have to
be sane to be soldier
of the month,

so I'm telling
you I am.

Unless, of course,
you don't pick me,

in which case,
I'm still nutsy Fagan,

and I never said
one word of this.

Corporal, you're
giving me a headache.

I'm sorry, sir.

Whew! Boy, this stuff's
really barf-making.

You think the rats
will go for it?

That happens to be
my wife's fruitcake,
Corporal,

of which you should
be well-acquainted,

since you are one
yourself!

Sir, you don't
look well.

I mean, even less
well than usual.

Get on with it,
creepo.

Yes, sir.

-Frank?
-Hmm?

[laughing]

What time does your pillow
go into labor, Frank?

-[mousetrap snaps]
-KLINGER: [yelling]

Did you get one?

That stupid thing
just went off

and broke half
my knuckles!

That does it!
Contest or no contest,

I'm not pushin'
any more of your traps!

[whimpers]

You're trying to catch
rats in this box, Frank?

Box?

This happens to be
a finely-honed mechanism

which I invented myself.

Now watch.

The rat enters here,
sees himself in the mirror,

which he mistakes
for another rat.

Now this device swings
down and taps him,

causing him to turn around
to see who wants him.

When he does, whammo!

These steel knobs
come down

and crack him
right in the skull.

[laughing]

That's positively
brilliant, Frank!

I bet by the time
you're through,

a lot of rats
are gonna need to be
fitted for glasses.

And he called me
a fruitcake!

Why don't you take
this about 100 miles
from here?

Start a rat resort.

Now what are you
talking about?

If these buggers
are causing the fever,

we've got to
exterminate them.

Frank, it's the mites
and the fleas on the rats

that could be
causing the fever.

When the rats die,

the mites and fleas
jump on us.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I mean, I've already
carried a couple out
to the trash.

And I didn't get
any fleas.

I-I didn't feel
well afterwards,

but-but-but
I-I-I'm not sick.

I mean...

just because a person
needs to faint...

[lock unlatching]

Here we go.

Soldier of the Month
questions and answers.

Come to Papa.

[camera shutter clicking]

He used to be
Albert Anastasia's doorman.

All's quiet
in the nursery.

FRANK:
Is that you, dear?

Frank.

[moaning]

Right here, Frank.

Let me sleep, okay?

It's your turn to take
mother to the toilet.

Frank, it's us.

-Hi!
-Hi, Frank.

Hi!

I'm so thirsty.

If you'd just loan me
a teeny, tiny drop of water,

I promise
to give it back.

We can't, Frank.

[sighs]

I think I've
swallowed my lips.

If you drink
too much water,

it builds up
in your tissues.

And just between
us and your kidneys,

they've had more
than enough.

When they start to get
rolling full force,

it'll be like barrel time
at Niagara Falls.

You have a fever.

If I had two fevers,

I could give you change
for a ten.

[laughing]

Go to sleep, Frank.

-I'll give you $10
for a drink of water.
-We can't.

Try not to think
about it.

[groans]
You're the doctors.

I don't really like
being one, you know.

I mean, I wouldn't
mind being a doctor

if I didn't have to be
around sick people.

People don't like being
sick either, Frank.

My mother used to smack
me when I got sick.

She used to smack me
when I got well, too.

Just rest, Frank,
and don't talk.

Oh, sure.
I know.

You don't wanna
talk to me.

Nobody ever did.

The only one who talked
to me in high school

was the janitor.

He used to show me
his pictures

of heavyweight champs.

He was the last person
who liked me.

We like you, Frank.

Oh, you're just
saying that

because you feel
sorry for me.

Not at all.
I haven't felt
sorry for you

since we sewed up the legs
on all your jockey shorts.

Oh, it's all right.

Now that I'm dying,
you can fess up.

Do you really like me?

You're not really
dying, Frank.

Do you?

Let me put it
this way, Frank.

If we were the last
two people left on earth,

I'd never forget to send
you a Christmas card.

Real pals.

Can I share
a secret with you?

It's up to you.

Promise you won't tell.

Cross our cardiograms.

Margaret and I...
are dating.

Oh.

Number three,
"Nathan Hale."

Nathan Hale.

Sure beats studying.

"Lewis and Clark."

Gentlemen.

Since your official judge,
Major Burns,

is really not well,
uh, I have been given

both the great privilege
and dubious honor

of replacing him.

Uh, you may stand.
Just take your seats.

HAWKEYE:
My associate judge,
Captain B.J. Hunnicutt,

who was instrumental
in last year's selection

of Miss Junior Puberty
and Miss Gutter Ball.

[clapping]

Thank you, fan.

"You are here to take
this historical quiz

"because you have
surpassed your colleagues

in dress
and deportment."

How, we'll never know.

But that is not for
small minds to ponder,

and Lord knows there are
enough of those around.

B.J.: Got a new hair
coming in, Klinger?

Sir, I have
something to say.

I yield the floor
to Miss Virgin Islands.

I hope the judges take
into consideration,

I am presenting myself
in full uniform,

right down to
my underwear,

which, for the
first time since I've
been in the service,

is of the correct
kind for a person

of my sex
and/or gender.

Sit down.

Let's get on with it before
I forget what I learned.

Shouldn't be too hard
for you, pea-brain.

Hey.

Strike those two
from Miss Congeniality.

Now, "name this country's
first president,

"and the city in which he
took the oath of office."

Oh, I know.
I know!

-Quiet, will ya?
I can't think.
-Ooh, sir!

B.J:
Radar.

Uh, um,
George Washington.

He was the first, and,
uh, he had wooden teeth.

Right. And every
time he told a lie,

they chopped one out.

And he was sworn in
in New York.

Very good.

Half point for Klinger,
half point for Radar.

I knew that.

Now, "what famous symbol
of American freedom

"has a crack in it?"

And it is not
General MacArthur's head.

A crack in it.

Sir! The Liberty Bell!

HAWKEYE:
Very good, Radar.

-Whew!
-HAWKEYE: Uh, Sergeant Zale.

"Many of the settlers who
came to California in 1848

"were searching
for what?"

Palm trees.
How the hell do I know?

I'm from Brooklyn.

Igor.

I thought there were
gonna be refreshments here.

Wrong.
And now back to our
acrobat, Klinger.

I lost track, sir.

Do I have to answer
that one, sir?

If you can.

Uh, what number question
is that, sir?

I dunno.
I'm mixing 'em up.

You can't do that, sir.

I learned history
from the beginning.

Next question.

-Margaret?
-Right here.

Oh, you're the only one
who really cares.

-Yes.
-Just you and my wife.

Don't press me, Frank.

I want you two
to be friends.

After I'm gone,
you can both work

on the Frank Burns
Memorial together.

Don't talk that way.
You're not going anywhere.

-I'm not going to die?
-You're not going to die.

Oh.

Frank, have you
made out a will?

Will? Why do I need a will
if I'm not going to die?

Everybody has to die
sometime, Frank.

Well, you'd think they'd
give officers a break.

You ought to dictate
a will to Father Mulcahy.

Not that you're
not all right.

But just in case
something happens,

and you don't get
to stay all right...

for much longer.

Margaret...

if I should go
before you,

look for me
when you get there.

I'll be waiting for you
on the other side.

Frank.

Oh, darling.

But if I'm standing
with my wife,

pretend you don't know me.

Nathan Hale, sir.

"I regret that
I have but one life to
give to my country."

Correct.

And obviously the man never
worked on a draft board.

Another point
for Radar.

He's coming up
on the outside.

Hey, when you gonna
get to some capitals?

I know all the
state capitals.

I'll show ya.

Ask me the capital
of Cleveland.

-[laughing]
-Klinger. "What famous
Civil War hero said,

'Damn the torpedoes.
Full steam ahead?'"

And please try to
answer with, uh, less

than the seven basic
ballet movements.

I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.

Tugarraf.

-[laughing]
-Tugarraf?

That's Farragut.
He said it backwards.

Aha!
True or false:

you can reach the high notes
of "The Star-Spangled Banner"

by standing
on your toes.

That ain't part
of the test.

Yes, but how did
you know?

He's cheating!

-He's got the answers
written all over him!
-I am not.

Those are tattoos.
Leave me alone.

No wonder he knows history
like the back of his hand.

Let me say
my capitals.

-Dover, Delaware.
-[indistinct arguing]

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Uh, New York, New York!

Major Burns has decided
to make out his will.

Will you listen, Father?

Gracious, I didn't
even know he was dying.

Oh, he isn't, no.

It's just a
precautionary measure.

Oh. But he does
have the fever.

And a person is supposed
to be of sound mind.

Oh, it's okay, Father.

I don't think my mind was
any sounder when I was well.

Call if you need
anything, Major.

Uh, are you sure you
feel up to this, Frank?

The only thing I really
feel up to is dying.

I see.

Well, uh,
if you're ready...

My car, my house,

all the money I buried
in my backyard

goes to the only woman
who ever really cared,

ever really understood,

my wife, Louise.

She'll have to
thaw out the map.

It's inside some
ground chuck in the
basement freezer.

And my savings account
passbook number

is in the same bottle
as my appendix.

Appendix, hmm.

A-Anything else?

To my children,

all profits from my
prescription kickbacks.

These are recorded
in my red ledger.

Not the blue one that
I show to the government.

And finally...

to Major Margaret
Houlihan...

my friend, my comrade...

my little soldier...

I leave all my clothes.

POTTER:
I'm very proud
of you, Radar.

Me too, sir.

And I want you
to have the best six
days of your life.

I'm ready for 'em, sir.

-Got plenty of cash?
-Oh, yes, sir.

Clean clothes,
toothbrush?

Oh, I'll buy
a new one in Tokyo.

I broke mine last month.

Well, they have
'em there.

Are you sure, Frank?

-I haven't been
in six days.
-I know.

I feel like my
cork's going to pop.

Wish me luck.

Frank, it's only
the latrine.

You're not a test
pilot going up.

I'll be right outside
if you need me.

His first trip?

His temperature was back
to normal this morning.

He owes his life
to you two.

I don't know if we
can live with that.

First time in
a big town, Radar?

Yes, sir.

Lots of girls there just
waiting for soldiers.

[laughing]

A young man should know
how to protect himself.

Oh, I'll be okay, sir.
I studied karate.

[shouts kiai]

Well,
have a good time.

Thank you very much,
sir.

Hey, Frank, how's
it goin' in there?

Well, I think that's
about as clever

as anything I've
ever heard him say.

-Frank?
-Speak up, Frank,

or we'll nail that shut
and send you home in it.

FRANK:
Can't a person have
a little private?

I think he's broken
the four-minute private.

-Terrific, Frank.
-Congratulations.

How do you feel?

Hey!

How about a salute
here, soldier?

I'm still a major,
even though you can't see

my clusters
in this robe.

And put out
that cigarette,

field strip it and
police the entire area!

-He's better.
-I feel great.

-Are you sure?
-First-rate, tip-top.

Then would you step
this way, please, Major?

Oh.

Well, Margaret,
what is it?

The next time you give
your clothes away,

give 'em to somebody
your own size!

Frank, what happened?

She hit me!
Right on the chin.

How'd she find it?

-Why'd she hit you?
-I don't know.

Come on home, Frank.

Yeah, with people
who really love you.

I almost died, you know.

Well, we did our best,
Frank.

[chuckling]
Major Burns seems
back in shape.

Here's an anonymous letter
snitching on three nurses.

-That's our fault.
-We recreated a monster.

-Yep.
-MAN: Colonel Potter?

That's right.

Got a package
for you, sir.

Oh, hi.

-The charges.
-Charges?

Drunk and disorderly?

Radar, you've never been
drunk before.

It sort of made me
disorderly, sir.

You tried to drink the ink
at a tattoo parlor?

Swam 50 laps

in an eight foot
bath house tub?

I'll look after this.
Thank you.

Yes, colonel.

Take care, Leonard.
Give my best to your wife.

-Radar. Radar.
-[laughing]

Our Soldier
of the Month.

How can we ever stay in
the contest?

You're right.
I'd be tough to follow.

[laughing]

Whoo.

Hey, Sherm,
do you know where

a guy could get
a drink around here?

[laughing]

Seems I can't even wink.

[laughing]

♪♪ [theme]