All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E06 - The Bus (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

Penny for your
thoughts, Frank.

For God's sake, why?

Looked important.

His forehead's
all puckered up.

So are all my inwards.

Radar, I don't
remember this road
being this terrible.

FRANK:
There's nothing the matter
with the road, Pierce.

You're just feeling punk.
[laughing]

Me? I'm in fine fettle.

I've never felt fettler.

You're telling me
you're not hung over?

Oh, that's what it is!

I thought somebody
painted a base coat
of fuzz on my tongue.

Well, don't think I didn't
see how much you drank

at the medical conference.
You were disgusting.

How about me, Frank?

-You weren't so bad.
-Really?

I was trying to be
disgusting, too.

-Holy cow!
-Easy, Radar.

My head's coming off
at the dotted line.

38th Parallel
Medical Society. Ha.

Just an excuse
for boozing your brains out.

Well, I, for one,
discussed medicine.

Oh, I heard you.

Accusing
a French gynecologist

of not taking his work
seriously.

Uh-huh.

[clatter]

We home yet?

Torn-up road, Colonel.

We're in
Con Edison country.

You all right, Radar?

I'm fine, sir, but I think
the bus is gonna have kittens.

Where are we?

Been wanting to talk
to you about that, sir.

Where we are mostly,
at the moment, is lost.

-I think I better pull over.
-Pull over, Radar.

We can't be lost!

We are, Frank.
I've been lost before,

and this is exactly
what it looks like.

Anybody got a compass?

I got a neat one
in San Francisco.

What are you doing?

The breeze is coming
from that direction.

Thank you.
Now all we have to do

is trade the bus
for an airplane.

-Colonel.
-Yeah, Radar.

-We may not be lost.
-How so?

I think I remember
that tree.

Radar, that tree has the same
face as every other tree.

Your marbles are shifting.

I say we go on.

I say we go back.

Each officer will
go a hundred yards

in a different direction,
see if we can find

any signs of village
life or other roads.

A hundred yards. No more.

A hundred yards?
In these woods?

Well, take one
of the enlisted men
with you, Major.

[laughing]

[birds chirping]

-See anything, Corporal?
-Just the bus, sir.

We know what's there.

It's there
we're worried about.

I like that there-there
a whole lot better, sir.

Corporal, take the point.

Hey! Why me?

Oh, you present
less of a target.

Anyway, they love
to pick off officers.

We're the cream
of our generation.

I'm sort of the cream
of my family, sir.

Besides, I can cover you
better from the rear.

Ah! My rear would feel
a whole lot safer

if you were in front
of it, sir!

All right.
Move out, soldier.

-Move!
-Oh, boy.

[whispers]
O'Reilly?

Up ahead, sir.

There's something going on
behind that tree.

I'm goin' on
behind that tree, sir.

Corporal!

Would you say we've
gone a hundred yards?

Uh, for my money,
we have. Yes, sir.

-Let's go back.
-I'll take the point.

Any luck?

Just woods
and more woods.

I met a little girl

with a basket
for her grandma.

Wearing a red
riding hood?

Actually, she was
with seven little dwarfs.

-She's in the wrong woods.
-Or the wrong story.

Are you finished,
Doctors?

You? Yeah.

[rustling]

Burns?

Uh, sighted nothing,
reporting same.

A simple "crapped out"
will be sufficient, Major.

Yes, sir.

Well, if we don't know
where we're goin',

we do know
where we've been.

My decision is to
turn this animal around,

head back where we were,
get new directions,

start out all over again.

Mount up, people.

-This your first trip?
-Oh, shut your gizzard!

Just a joke, Frank.

Pierce!
Uh, do me a favor.

We're all in this together.
I know you don't like me.

That's just an ugly rumor
started by someone

who heard me say
I don't like you.

Well, till we're back
safe, no jokes, okay?

-Right.
-Thanks.

Now, that's a handshake
for you. Strong and wet.

Wait a minute.

Don't move.

[engine cranking]

I'm hungry.
Lost and hungry.

I remember the act.

They sure served some good
chow at the society meeting.

Oh, the steaks
were great.

Steaks? Frank,
you ate the steaks?

First one I've had in a year.

You realize they served them
right after the autopsy.

You said no more jokes.

Who's joking?

My lamb chop had
a wedding ring on it.

What's wrong, Radar?

I don't know, sir.
She won't start.

-Got plenty of gas?
-Got plenty of gas.

I think we might
have busted something

on that last big bump.

Oh, swell.
We can't go forward,

and we can't go back.

It's a sign from heaven.

-The war is over.
-Now what?

We burn our uniforms,
go home, get married,

and breed a new batch
of draftees for the next one.

Hear, hear.

Let's finish this one
first, shall we?

[tapping]

Uh, there's something
wrong here, sir.

Sir, there's something
really wrong here.

At least if it was a horse,
we could shoot it.

[chuckling]

Fine leadership.

What would you do?

If this unit were
still in my command,

you'd soon find out.

I spent a week with you
in command, Frank.

You lost me when you
rigged the toilet seats

to rise to attention.

Only for inspection.

What are you beating
your gums about, Major?

Well, Colonel, I don't
think you appreciate

the true nature
of our situation,

uh, gravity-wise speaking.

Unless I'm mistaken,
we're lost, we can't move,

we've got no food
or water, no blankets,

no communications.

Night is falling.

We may be right now
in enemy territory,

an enemy that would think
nothing of giving us

bamboo manicures right
up to our knuckles.

[nervous laugh]

Followed by boiling
egg-drop colonics.

Does that sound
like the proper
appreciation, Major?

-Pretty much, sir.
-Thank you.

[clears throat]

-Gimme that!
-Aah!

You get in
the driver's seat.

When I tell you to turn
her over, turn her over.

-Roger?
-Roger, wilco, sir.

You know anything
about engines, Major?

Oh, I took a lot of shop
in high school.

I wouldn't take shop
from anyone.

You planning to fix it
or buy it, Frank?

Oh, hardy-har.

This is all getting more
than a little uncomfortable,

spooky-wise speaking.

FRANK:
Turn her over.

-[engine cranking]
-Aah!

Are you crazy?

I did what you said!

That's the last thing
he needs.

Gimme that, Frank.

I'm against
capital punishment.

Well, I've done
all I can do.

It's now in the hands
of the Almighty.

Speaking for myself,

that's not the worst
news I've heard today.

-Colonel, look what I found.
-A walkie-talkie!

Only thing is
the other one's back

at the camp,
and it's busted.

Any Allied personnel,
this is Major Frank Burns,

MASH 4077.
S.O.S. and Mayday.

Come in,
any Allied personnel.

Major, there have to be
two of those things.

Someone else has
to have the other one,

and he has to be
on your frequency.

-It's no fun alone, Frank.
-What is?

Any Allied personnel.
Can you read me?

I'll give you my location.
Can you read me?

Major, the other end
of that gizmo

is on the fritz
and 20 miles from here!

It only carries
half a mile
when it does work!

Any Allied personnel.
Here is my position.

Uh, there is a fighter
plane approaching,

and, uh, when I say "now,"

the jet will be
directly over my head.

[jet zooming]

Now!

[laughing]
Frank.

That thing's a thousand feet up
and going 500 miles an hour.

By the time
you said "now,"

the plane was
in its hangar

and the pilot was
in his jammies.

I was just
trying to help!

Stop trying. That should
help right off.

Nothing like
a little appreciation.

It's busted.

-Radar.
-Yo?

-Try it one more time.
-Yes, sir.

I've been
in worse spots.

Have you ever tried
getting dressed quietly

in a dark closet
with a pocketful of change?

[chuckles]

[engine cranks, dies]

[engine stalling]

RADAR: No soap, sir.

World War I,
Argonne Forest.

Lost and hungry then, too.

Couldn't find my outfit.

After three days,
I was ready to eat my socks.

Nothing to do but wait.

At least everything
turned out all right.

Right. I was taken prisoner.

They shaved my head
and beat me to a pulp.

[crickets chirping]

I think I'm
getting delirious.

I'm just having warm,
friendly thoughts

about the gourmet leftovers
at the 4077 chow line.

Listen, we'll be okay.

-Of course we will.
-You betcha.

I'm not scared.

Any Allied personnel,
if you receive me,

here is my position.
Ready?

Uh... there are only
about half a dozen

stars visible, sky-wise.

I am directly under
the brightest one.

-Over.
-Terrific, Frank.

They'll start searching
for us in Bethlehem.

Shh. Hey, listen.

What, did you hear
something out there?

No.

No, I guess not, sir.

It's probably
just, uh, an animal.

HAWKEYE:
Hope it's one of ours.

Radar's radar's jammed.

If it wasn't,
would we be here?

FRANK: Oh, sure, Pierce.

Blame it all on O'Reilly.

You just go back
to being Tom Swift

and his electric
paranoid, okay?

It's nobody's fault.
You know that.

I know.

POTTER:
Of course it isn't.

I know.

Hey, this is no way
to throw a party.

How about some stories
before we rejoin the ladies?

Now you're cookin'.
What kind of stories?

The first time
love conquered all.

Ah.

Colonel Potter?

It was back in World War I.

In the Argonne Forest.

After Chateau-Thierry,
actually.

I took a load of gas
that blinded me temporarily.

Spent over a month
in a French hospital
with my eyes bandaged.

Nurse's name was Colette.

Colette.

The darkness I lived in

was relieved only by
the sound of her voice,

the touch of her hand.

Then finally the day came
for the bandages to come off.

When they undid
the last of them,

there she was: Colette.

-And?
-I pretended
I was still blind.

And that was
your first romance?

Yeah, but I couldn't
have handled it

without the bandages.

Ha ha.

Radar, you're next.

Huh? Oh, uh...

listen, would you guys
come back to me, please?

I gotta go to the latrine.

You'll have to take a hammer
and nails and build one.

I'll manage.

B.J.: No wonder the trees
all look familiar to him.

-Frank?
-I was just lying here!

Come on. Join the party.

Give us your story.

POTTER:
Be a sport for once.

Well...

Uh, it, uh, was, uh,
during my sophomore year.

She was a little brunette
of Jewish persuasion.

I wonder who persuaded
her to be that.

Helen Rappaport.
Smart as a whip.

They've all got rhythm,
you know.

Right! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha. Anyhoo,

we were on opposite sides
of the class debate:

"Should Father Coughlin
be our next president?"

She talked very fast
and won.

Then, I-I think
to make it up to me,

she, uh, offered
to drive me home.

[giggling] On the way,

she pulled this old gag
about running out of gas.

Ha ha!
Never fooled me, boy.

[sigh]

Ah. Yeah.

She was really
warm for my form.

And did you oblige?

I couldn't.

Creep.

I wanted to save myself
for Miss Right.

Miss Right?

Orville and Wilbur's
sister.

She invented the first
airplane stewardess.

I'm referring to
the present Mrs. Burns,

neither which of us
approved of that sort

of happiness
before marriage.

Okay, Hawk, you're up.

Yeah, in a second.

Radar?

Radar?

I'm gonna go look for him.

POTTER:
No, sir.

-B.J.'ll come with me.
-Sure.

With the two of us,
we'll be fine.

And leave me alone
with Burns?

He's more boring
asleep than awake.

[muttering]

He's asleep now.

He's probably
dreaming about home.

How rich he's gonna get

taking out healthy
gall bladders.

Hawkeye, we're none of us
going wandering around
out there.

Unacceptable procedure.
Also stupid.

I won't have it.

We can't look for him
till it gets light out.

Uhh!

Easy, Burns!

Put that thing away.
Cochise is gone.

We formed the bus
into a circle.

Is he back yet?

No, not yet.

-No, huh?
-No, huh. That's right, huh.

Be a shame if something
happened to him.

Burns, go back to sleep.
That's an order.

Well, what did I do?
Look, I liked Radar too!

You talk about Radar
in the past tense
one more time,

and I'm gonna show you
how to be a tail gunner!

Steady, guys, huh?

I think it's agreed
we all like him.

Except whoever
wrote me anonymously

that Radar was selling
tickets to the hole

in the nurses' shower.

Well, it wasn't me!

Why would I think it was you?

Because I know people
think that that's

just the kind
of thing I might do.

Well, why did you do it?

Because I felt it
was my duty.

I thought you said
you didn't do it.

I thought I did, too.

-[branch snaps]
-Shh, shh!

[rustling]

There's something out there.

Will you stick that
in your holster?

-Is it Radar?
-I wish I was home.

I wish you was
home too, Frank.

Hey!

[speaking Korean]

He's attacking.
He wants us to surrender.

Either that or he's asking
if this bus goes downtown.

[speaking Korean]

He's surrendering
to us!

Huh. Good thing for him.

I can plug an ace
of hearts at 50 feet.

I'll remember that if we're
attacked by a bridge club.

Let's go!

[shouting in Korean]

All right, fella.

All right.
You're okay now.

He's got a gash
in his leg.

Oh, okay, I'll
break out the kit.

I wouldn't touch him.
He's probably booby trapped!

Could go off in our faces!

Burns, don't start
going on about going off.

-Let's get him inside.
-You may be right, Frank.

I think what he's done
is he's cut a gash

in his leg,
inserted a grenade,

and disguised it
with his own blood.

Boy, are they clever.

How's that?

Better? Better.

I been here
all this time,

I still can't speak
the language.

Well, you Americans figure
everybody understands English,

provided you speak it
slowly enough.

-Huh?
-Right.

-Burns.
-Sir?

Didn't I see your picture
in the post office?

Hmm?

I wonder if he saw
Radar out there.

That's right.

You could be giving
aid to someone

who killed
one of our own boys.

I don't mean Radar.
I'm sure he's alive.

I mean, reasonably sure.

Frank, you keep putting
your foot in your mouth,

you're gonna end up
with athlete's tongue.

Okay, that does it.

Send a bill to
the People's Republic.

It's time we got
some shuteye.

Who wants to stand guard
over the prisoner first?

-He does.
-He will.

-I do.
-Fine.

If you don't accidentally
shoot yourself first,

I'll relieve you
in two hours.

If you do,
I'll relieve you earlier.

That's it.
Let's get some kip.

One wrong move,
and it's curtains.

You get the message,
Mr. Moto?

Yeah, I thought so.

You know plenty English.

Okay, friend.
I'm not a talkin' man.

Next time I talk,
this talks for me.

No questions asked. Curtains.

You get the message,
pal o' mine?

I don't
chew my cabbage twice.

One wrong move,
and you'll find that out.

I act. Zing!

That's the big kiss-off,
capisce?

I tend to, uh, shoot first
and talk later.

Little habit I have.

Which you'll find out fast
if you get cute.

We straight on that? Huh?

Any Allied personnel.

Any Allied personnel.
I've begun to take prisoners.

Request instructions
re prisoners,

or will be forced
to shoot same.

Over and out.

Think you get the picture.
Right, amigo?

[sigh]

Sir?

-Sir.
-[mutter]

Sir?

Holy socks!

[gasps] Aah!

O'Reilly?

Sir, I didn't mean
to wake you.

Wake me?
You think I was asleep?

No, I was just trying to see
what our prisoner'd do.

I flushed him
out of the woods.

Let me help you
with the chocolate.

That's not chocolate!

Right.
It's not chocolate.

POTTER: What's goin' on?

Not one word about my
little sleeping trick.

-Yes, sir.
-It's against the Geneva
Convention. Okay?

-Against the Convention.
-It's Corporal O'Reilly, sir.

-He's back!
-POTTER: Radar?

-I'm back.
-B.J.: Radar? Ha!

Hello, sir. Ha!

Hell of a time
to go AWOL, son.

We kept your bus seat
just the way you left it!

Good to see you
back, buddy!

We were worried
about you!

[speaking Korean]

Oh, my gosh!

[speaking Korean]

Yes, yes, sir.
Thank you, I think.

Thank you. Fine. Fine.
Thank you. You lie down.

B.J., relieve
Major Burns at guard.

-Right.
-You come and tell us

where you were
playin' hooky! Ha ha!

RADAR:
Oh, my gosh.

Oh, you'll be sorry.
He's wily.

[sigh]

So in the dead
of night you decide

to go off half-cocked
and get help.

Well, gee, sir,
since I got us lost
and I broke the bus,

I figured I didn't need
your half-cocked permission.

Anyway, the point
is that, uh,

when I was wandering
around there,

I didn't find no enemy,
so I figure we're safe

as long as we can
get outta here.

Speaking of which,
enemy-wise,

has anybody seen
our prisoner?

There he is!

Sabotage! He's tinkering
with our parts!

Get away from there!
Gimme that!

Easy! Frank, easy!
He's wounded, remember?

Oh, wounded, sure!
That's how we lost China!

By fixing a bus?

Careful,
that could be loaded.

All right! All right!
That settles it.

We've finally run out of
food, water, and brains.

We gotta get outta here,
which means walking.

So, we walk.

[engine starting]

[speaking Korean]

Wish I knew how
to say thanks.

Holy cow!

POTTER: We're mighty
grateful for this, old man.

FRANK:
Get outta my seat, Pierce.

HAWKEYE: Oh,
shut your gob, Frank.

Nick of time. I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse.

-RADAR: Terrific!
-May the 1st Cavalry
forgive me.

I think in the future
we should always stash

something to eat
on this bus.

Make a note
of that, Radar.

Yes, sir. Like one of us could
just, uh, fill a ditty bag

full of chocolate bars
and stuff.

'Cause when you're
really hungry,

you could fall asleep
when you're not supposed to.

-Right, Major?
-He-e-ey!

Wait a minute!
I just remembered.

Now, maybe...
maybe-- Wait. Oh!

Ha-ha! Ha!
Lookee here!

What luck, huh?
Ha-ha!

How about-- Colonel? Huh?

And, uh, Corporal?

Uh-huh.
And you guys?

Thanks, Frank.

Thank you, Frank.

And, uh,
this is mine.

HAWKEYE: Home, Radar.

Hey. Look.

[whispers] No.

[mouthing]

[speaking Korean]

[Korean]

-Sir!
-Aah!

I think I've got the enemy.

I can hear their secrets!

But you don't understand
the language.

If you people had any brains,
you'd give up. You hear me?

[Korean]

No one ever beat Uncle Sam!

-We've never lost a war!
-Major.

We never have,
and we never will!

So you put that in your
opium pipe and smoke it!

[laughing]

-That's tellin' 'em, Major.
-Yeah.

♪♪ [theme]