All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E05 - Hey, Doc (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

It's up to you, Father.

The bet's two dollars.

I don't think
I've got a prayer.

Three Hail Marys beats
two of a kind, Father.

I'm out.

Uh, I ain't got
two dollars.

Youse guys accept
a two-day pass?

Put it in. Paper's paper.

We're certainly gonna miss you
around here, Sergeant.

A lot of our hopes and cash
will leave with you.

Yeah. Well, I put in my time.

Thirty years' worth.

At least four of which
were devoted

to official army business.

Are you in?

-Am I in?
-Yeah.

With this hand,
you want to know if I'm in?

Are you crazy?

All right.
Here's your two dollars.

And two more.

And I get the last raise?

Mm-hmm.

Two, four...

six.

I'm out.

I must've been born
under a ladder.

All right.
What have you got?

Full house--
kings and tens.

-Phew!
-Three 8s.

Eight 3s would've
been better.

Hey, it's light out.

Can I interest anyone
in a Mass?

Of what?

Well, another day
in the R.O.K.

Have a safe flight home,
Sergeant Kimble.

Right.

With you
out of the motor pool,

maybe the army can
finally break even.

You know, I think
flight-homewise,

I got a little problem,
Doc, with my ear.

I've got chronic
adhesive otitis

with eustachian
tube dysfunction.

[chuckling]
How do you know that?

A lucky guess
and a little research.

How long have you had
this condition?

I caught it the second
I read about it.

Your ears will hurt
if you fly. Right?

Bad.

Like to get out of that
little, tiny plane

and into a big, big boat?

You know, you guys are
too smart to be officers.

Kimble, the truth.
How much loot

are you planning
to ship home with you?

I figure a couple
of thousand pounds.

-A ton?
-I didn't say that.

Right. That's your word
for 2,000 pounds.

And that's just
personal effects

and toilet articles.
Right?

I'm only taking enough

to open a restaurant
back in Philly.

Kimble's Korean Kafe.

Three K's. You get it?

You can buy your linen
from the Ku Klux Klan.

What about the two eyeholes?

He can put the salt
and pepper shakers on them.

All I'm asking is that
you put in my medical file

that I can't fly.

That requires three medical
officers' signatures.

You two are two.

Last time we counted.

Colonel Potter?

The man's hopelessly honest.

-Major Burns.
-Major--

Major Burns
do something thoughtful?

He sends his kids
collect birthday cards.

How long before
you ship home?

Two weeks.

But with my connections,

I can get the orders changed.

We'll do what we can.

By the way,
MacArthur wants to know

if he can have the car
Saturday night.

Of course.

Boy, that poker game
really tapped me out, boy.

Me too. You couldn't
lend me a few bucks,

could you?
Against next month?

I lent you against
next month last month.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this water
sure does feel good.

Yeah.

It's been gettin'
too muggy

for me lately, boy.

Even the weather
stinks in the army.

You know, I read somewhere

that General MacArthur
don't even sweat!

Can you imagine?
He just don't sweat at all.

Probably has some private
do it for him.

Boys.

I'll be out
in a minute, Father.

Take your time. I took a bit
of a bath in the poker game.

Huh!

Anyone heard they've spotted
snipers near the camp?

Pay no attention, Father.
Just rumors.

It's just a rumor.

-Hmm.
-[gunshot]

Hey!

[gunshot]

That rumor almost
came through the door!

I'll be out in a minute,
Father.

Can you H.Q. boys
give me some help, Barney?

I've got sniper trouble.

[gunshot, ricochet]

Oh, a British patrol
will be fine. Yes.

[gunshot, ricochet]

Right. It'll give me
a chance to use my English.

Thanks, Barney.
Everyone's a comedian.

See the men get plenty,
Stokes.

We'll be about an hour.

-Mind?
-Hmm.

Lieutenant Chivers,
29th Brigade.

-Hunnicutt, Captain.
-Pierce.

Ah. I know a family
named Pierce in Kent.

I've got an uncle
in Suffolk. Sheep farmer.

He's the one
who never married.

My lads are trying
to clean up the area.

Snipers rather like giving
you chaps in medical

a knocking about.
Demoralizes the troops.

Makes us feel a bit
dreary as well.

Ah, it's a rotten war,
all right.

Still, it's the only
one we've got.

I say. You wouldn't
be doctors, would you?

Except for eight years
of medical school, we wouldn't.

I, uh I have a small problem.

We're very sensitive
to small problems.

The smaller, the better.

Actually, it's hardly
worth mentioning at all.

Well, let's forget
the whole thing.

No. No. What I mean is,
you may not think so,

but it could be
awfully dicey for me

if this appeared
on my service record.

Shall we repair
to the clinic?

I'd be most grateful.

A privilege, sir.

I'm a lifelong Anglophile.

England is still
the only place I know

where any young man can
grow up to be the queen.

What you must understand
is that British C.O.s

are absolutely bonkers
on the subject of foot care.

An officer neglectful enough
to develop an ingrown toenail

is in serious trouble.

What can they do,
make you turn in
your feet?

Hold up a promotion,
deny you leave, the lot.

Aha!
The offending digit.

So, in spite of all
the training films
and lectures,

you went and got yourself
an ingrown toenail

instead of saving
yourself for marriage.

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Well, you came to the
right place, Lieutenant.

Yes, I've been told.

Very often
these things are done

in sleazy backrooms in Cuba.

We're clean and safe.

-You're aware of the price?
-Yes.

According to
the Pierce-Hunnicutt

Ingrown Toenail Menorial
Clinic conversion table,

one severe metatarsal
perionychium

will cost you exactly
two bottles of Scotch.

Two bottles it is.

Doctor, the hydrogen
peroxide, please.

Lieutenant, you've put
your foot in the right hands.

You'll be doing the
Lambeth Walk in no time.

Hey!

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Somebody swiped
our microscope.

That really stinks.
Anybody who'd steal
a hospital's microscope

would take Tiny Tim's crutch.

CHIVERS: Thievery's
getting quite out of hand.

Last week I lost two machine
guns and a tea cozy.

But a microscope!

I might just be able
to get us another one.

Colonel Potter,
Lieutenant Chivers.

Sir!

Ingrown toenail, eh?

Pretty fast, Colonel.

It's my third war.

I've seen more British toes

than I have American fannies.

What's the going rate
these days?

Two bottles of Scotch.

-Good stuff?
-Jolly good stuff, sir.

It'll be welcome. I had some
local moonshine last night.

Curled the hair in my nose.

Hawkeye, I want you
in post-op.

Tank Commander, 1st Cav's
here to visit one of his men.

You worked on him.

-Ah, the life of a star.
-Yat-eta, yatk-eta.

-Ta-ta for now.
-Yes.

All right, Lieutenant.

Stick out your toe
and saw "ah."

Your people are doing
a big job here.

Well, you know
the wholesale business.

Over here, Colonel.

Of course Major Burns
handles

our most difficult cases.

Which is only fair.

He's our most
difficult doctor.

You see that foot?
Ha-ha. That's mine.

We had to take it
out of his mouth.

Your man would be
right here, Colonel.

You think
the sun shines

out of your belly
button, don't you?

I'm having it
corked.

Sergeant Moretti.

Glad to see you again,
Moretti.

They taking good care of you?

Oh, no. Excuse me, Colonel.

This is Private Mumford.
This is Sergeant Moretti.

-What?
-This is Sergeant Moretti.

Oh. You get well now, boy.
Your buddies miss you.

I miss you. The outfit's
not the same without you.

He's out of the game,
Colonel.

We had to use one of his
ribs to give him a chin.

Pretty standard stuff.

Sometimes we use
the jawbone of an ass.

Well, his tank is waiting
whenever he's ready.

Oh, it must be very exciting

riding around in one
of those massive machines

with that big cannon

just going through
everything in front of you.

Uh, Major, if you'll
walk this way.

If she could
walk that way,

she wouldn't need
the talcum powder.

I gotta be shoving off
myself.

Moretti, keep in touch.
Be sure to write.

Good-bye, Colonel.
Be sure to drive on
both sides of the road.

Oh, Doc. Doc, listen. Uh...

As long as I'm here...

Sweetheart,
you just say the word,

and you'll make me
the happiest man
in this camp.

Come on. I'm serious.

Where n-- Oh!

We were just rehearsing
for the talent show.
Honest to God.

I told you we should've
gone to my place.

As long as you're here,
Colonel?

What? Oh, oh.

Well, I, uh...

I got kind of this,
uh, delicate problem.

And there would be, uh,
certain ramifications

if I, uh, if I were
to check into a base hospital.

Say no more, Colonel.

We here at the 4077
are very social-minded,

particularly when
it comes to disease.

I appreciate your coming to us

instead of one of
the local physicians

whose sole medical
training comes

from watching Jean Hersholt
deliver the Dionne quintuplets.

That's originally
what I had in mind.

Yeah. Odds are
you'd have given him

20 bucks
for some penicillin,

and he'd have shot
a few CC's

of Wildroot Cream Oil
into your rump.

-Hair cream?
-That's right.

Doesn't cure you,
but you wind up

with the best-groomed
tuchusin town.

[knocking]

Yo!

You got a minute?

Always for you, Doc.
Come on in.

Want to wet your whistle?

I got Scotch, vodka,
bourbon, rye, sake.

Just pour it all
in a doggy bottle.
I'll take it when I go.

Sergeant Kimble,
you want to make a deal?

Talk to me.

Pierce and I'll
get you on a ship

on one condition:

you scrounge us
a new microscope.

What's wrong with the old one?

Stolen.

-Stolen?
-Stolen.

These people are too much.

Do you know
what I had to go through

-to steal it for us?
-No justice.

Where am I gonna get
another one? They're tough.

As tough as carrying a Korean
café home in two suitcases?

You got me by the eustachian
tubes, ain't ya?

I hope so.

If I find
another microscope...

you guarantee the boat?

I'll have the captain
back it up to your tent.

-Ready, Colonel?
-Yeah.

I'm gonna leave this
in a minute.

Hey. That was very smooth.

Thank you.

Ooh! Oh.

Oh,
that penicillin smarts.

Not as much as Wildroot.

I feel like a damn fool.

It's a big club. Okay.

Here's a list
of dos and don'ts.

You've already done the biggest
don't. The rest is easy.

Now, you're sure
that this won't appear

anywhere at all
in your records?

Or my record, either?

Sure what won't appear?

I don't know how
to thank you, Doc.

Colonel, if I never see you
with your pants down again,

that'll be thanks enough.

A very kind,
affectionate act,

your coming here to see
your sergeant, sir.

Oh, thank you, Father.
Thank you.

Colonel's a very
affectionate man.

It's what happens
when the love bug bites.

If ever there's anything
I can do for you, Doc

-[gunshots]
-Get down!

[gunshots]

Ah, civilians!

[gunshots continue]

MARGARET: Come on, Frank.
Throw something.

I don't want to throw
something you need.

It's a new hand.
I need everything.

Well...

[chuckles]

Gin.

But you said you didn't
need anything!

I lied. [laughing]

I lied.
What'd I catch you with?

You're certainly a savage
at cards, Margaret.

Oh.

Sixty-eight.

And 25 for going gin.

And, uh, we were in spades.
That's double.

186.

I'm out
in all three games.

You owe me one pair
of nylons for each.

Only if you let me play
shoe salesman.

You're a little savage,
too, aren't you?

[both laughing]

You, uh, really found
that tank commander

attractive, didn't you?

I wouldn't say that.

Don't toy with me, Margaret.

I'll bite your T-shirt
to ribbons.

[knocking]

-HAWKEYE: Frank?
-B.J.: You in there?

They're trying
to catch us at something.

We're not doing anything.

Oh, yeah.
Who'd have thought?

-Come in.
-Interrupting?

Oh, not at all.
I know I'm in here,

but I'm not doing
anything.

Frank, we'd like you
to sign this.

Uh, I examined Sergeant
Kimble last month.

There's nothing wrong with him

except a possible hernia from
mailing truck transmissions.

Yeah. But if we
fake his profile,

he'll get us
a microscope.

Fake? Huh. Include me out!

What about the next
wounded kid that comes in
that needs a blood count?

I'm sick of hearing
about the wounded.

What about
all the thousands

of wonderful guys
fighting this war

without any of
the credit or the glory

that always goes
to those lucky few

who just happen
to get shot?

Frank, I really think

you've finally gone
out of your skull.

-No. Wait a min--
-No, no, no.

A microscope would
be very useful.

You could use it
to examine your I.Q.

-or your feelings--
-Hawkeye.

-...or your tiny little heart.
- Out!

That's it! Out!

You heard him. Out! Out!

You know,
you're beautiful
when he's angry.

Antagonizing Frank
didn't help at all.

I've had to put up
with him longer than you.

You're supposed to be
smarter than he is.

A houseplant
is smarter than he is.

I've had more intelligent
conversations

with people I was
doing autopsies on.

A little tact
wouldn't have hurt.

A lot he cares
about a microscope.

Doctor Burns.

He'd prescribe a laxative
for a brain tumor.

Things are looking up.

HAWKEYE: That Chivers?

The charge
of the Scotch brigade.

Doctors.

How's the, uh,
small problem?

-Splendid.
-You do understand

that your toe should
have nothing to do

with any other toes
for at least a month.

Yes, Doctor.

Also, no liquor
for the toe,

and don't wear
any spicy socks.

On the subject
of the former...

I believe this covers
your services.

Like a Scotch mist.

My thanks again, sirs.

Mention this
to your friends.

Our business is largely
word of foot.

Tallyho.

-[gunshots]
-Hit the deck!

This isn't happening!

[gunshot]

It feels like it's happening.

MAN: [on P.A.] Attention!

Sniper activity
in the compound!

It's really murder
out there.

Attention, all personnel.

Inside's your best bet.

Stay--

Aah! One down.

[gunshots continue]

Oh!

They were only
8 years old, both of them!

[gunshots continue]

Ooh. Ooh.

At ease, son. At ease.

Thank you, sir.
Maybe later.

Colonel, about the sniping--

We're doing all we can.

I'm working at my desk,
and Radar's scared.

And that's all?

I can work twice
as hard, if you like.

-Radar, can you
be twice as scared?
-No problem, sir.

-C-Colonel, will you--
-Look at this. Come here.

What is that?

HAWKEYE: Two bottles
of toenail juice.

The Scotch!
8-year-old Scotch!

Ah, well.
The good die young.

-[gunshots]
-Aah!

You know what would
scare 'em away?

Cavalry.
Today's cavalry. A tank.

Wait a minute, Colonel.
Let's not us shoot off
any cannon!

No, no. Nothing like that.

Just the sight
of a tank would do it.

It's like having a big dog
in your front yard.

Works every time.

Radar, that Colonel Griswald
was here the other day.

from 1st Cav.
Get him on the horn.

-Right.
-Why him?

I showed him a few CC's
of kindness.

He had a slight case
of carnal flu.

Off the record, of course.

Seemed like a decent
enough duck.

Loved by one and all,
especially off base.

He's comin' on.

Radar, you're a model
of efficiency.

I built him
out of a kit.

-Hello! Hello!
-[gunshots]

Yeah. Hey, listen, can you
speak up a little bit?

-Somebody's trying to kill me.
-[gunshot]

Yeah, Colonel Griswald?

Yes, sir. Hold on, please.

Just a moment, sir.

Hello, Colonel?

Captain Pierce,

your friend in need.
Remember?

Uh, Colonel, I have
a little problem here

that might interest you.

We're getting a lot
of sniper fire and--

[gunshots]

I beg your pardon?

You're very busy right now?

B.J.: Terrific.

Uh, Colonel,
the above sniper fire

is endangering all my
private medical records.

All of them.

I just may have to put them

in the official files
for safekeeping,

where anyone and his uncle

can get a very good
look at them.

Yes, sir!

Monster, isn't it?

Good ol' American
know-how and insanity.

Can't tell you how grateful
we are, Colonel.

This tank'll give us
a lot of security.

We tried a night-light,
but it didn't work.

What's the blessing
for a tank, Father?

I think "Thank God" will cover
it.

Well, this bucket of bolts

happens to be going in
for maintenance.

I can let you have it
for 24 hours.

Terrific, Colonel. I'm sorry
about the bad news.

What bad news?

All your medical records

were destroyed
in the last attack.

Burned to a cinder.

Ohh.

Well, I guess you can
keep it for a week.

That'll be long enough
to scare the North Koreans

and both Chinas out of here.

Thank you, Colonel.

How about a belt
for the road?

No, no. I can't do any
drinking for quite a while.

We're cleaning up an old
tank driver's complaint:

bloodshot hips.

What?

-Make it 50 cents.
-Call.

-Just once.
-I'm in.

Uh, and up 50.

Anything beats
just one ace, Radar.

The bet's a dollar.

Call.

-Right.
-In.

-I'm light.
-Go.

This is the way to run a war.

For the last 24 hours,
the only frightening sound

has been Frank's
mouth-breathing.

No luck on the signature
yet. Right?

We'll get it, if we
have to resort to torture.

We're making a bid
on an anthill later.
Go ahead.

-Frank, you didn't!
-Did too!

At Fort Benning.
I trained in one for a week.

You never told me.

Ah. They said it was
a shame I was a doctor.

They felt I had the same
killer instinct as Patton.

Oh! You're just
funning me.

Oh, yeah?

Ah ha!
Oh, Frank! Should you?

Ha! Think just
those hotshot colonels

can handle these babies, huh?

Ha ha ha!
Stand back, puddin'.

Ah, Frank.
Do you think you should?

Cinch-a-reeno!

Oh, Frank! Oh!

You know how to-- Aah!

-[engine revving]
-Ha ha! It's starting up.

Stand back now, Margaret.

[laughing]

Now be careful, Frank.

Just-- Uh...

Uh, Frank, do you
know what you're doing?

Are you sure you know
what you're doing, Frank?

Boom!

Uh,

I'm gonna get out
of the way, Frank.

-Boom.
-Frank?

[laughing]

Uh, Frank! Oh, my--

But, Frank, it's a--

Frank! Do you see me? Frank!

Are you in control?

Frank, you're going
the wrong way!

It's the girls' showers!
T-- Oh! Girls!

-Out! Frank!
-B.J.: [chatter]

-[screaming]
-FRANK: How do you
stop this thing?

Aah!

Frank!

Oh, my-- Uh, Frank!

It's Major Burns! Help him!

[shouting]

Frank!

FRANK: Help!

Colonel, save us!

No sweat. Watch an old
cavalry hand in action.

Frank!

FRANK: Oh, no, no. Colonel.
Colonel. Colonel.

Colonel Potter!

Stop! Pull over! Burns!

-FRANK: Don't leave it there!
-Whoa!

No! No! No!
Don't leave it there!

Help! Help!

[gunshot]

[applauding, cheering]

MAN: Let him have it!

[angry shouting]

-Terrific, Frank.
-Huh?

Especially when you
did that figure 8
over Colonel Potter.

Burns, you got any excuse
for that jackass behavior?

I'm sure he has, Colonel.

Somehow the tank
got started, Colonel,

and it went crazy.
Frank jumped in.

B.J.: Saved us all.

Somebody had to.

Uh-huh.

What?

Sign on the bottom
line, Frank.

Sergeant Kimble's
medical profile.

Oh. Yeah.
That's blackmail.

-Huh?
-Blackmail's an ugly word.

We prefer "extortion."

Huh.

-B-U-R-N-S, Frank.
-B-U-R...

Yeah.

There you go.
Very good.

-B.J.: Thank you, Frank.
-Oh, yeah.

♪♪ [theme]