All language subtitles for MASH (1972) - S04E02 - Change of Command (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 ImE)_track4_[eng]

♪♪ [theme]

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention, all personnel.

The winner
of this month's lottery,

Sergeant Arthur T. Williams,

will receive a high
colonic worth $9.00.

Congratulations, Sergeant,

and don't spend it
all in one place.

And that's another thing

I'm going to change
around here:

no more gambling.

Frank, it does
give the men something

to look forward to
every month.

Margaret, you're beginning
to sound like Blake: soft.

Nonsense. I want this place
to be as G.I. as you do.

What a slob that man was,

may he rest in peace.

Another of my new
regulations.

"Under no circumstances

will enlisted men use
the officers' latrine."

They've been sneaking in
at night, you know?

How can you tell?

One knows where one's
own kind has been.

Major Frank Burns,
Commanding Officer.

A boyhood dream come true.

My own command,
you at my side,

an incoming box,
an outgoing box.

War. God help me, I love it.

[chuckle]

I'd better get this new
regulation posted.

Corporal.
Corporal O'Reilly!

He left the minute
the mail came in.

I ordered him to bring me
the mail first.

-The little sneak.
-No respect.

I'll teach those dirty
little unlisted rats

to love me.

Ah. Done.
Nice little bar.

And right in our
own neighborhood.

-What do we call it?
-It's in the corner.

Let's call it
The Corner Bar.

[chuckles]
It's been used.

I got it! I got it.

Frank's Bed,

now doing business
as Joe's Bar and Grill.

If my wife calls,
I'm not here.

[laughing]

Henry would've loved this.

Fair man with
a bottle, you say?

Henry? He could have been
a comparison drinker.

The man was born
with a spare tank.

I really miss him.

How about the Henry Blake
Memorial Bar?

I'll buy that.

Let's break it in.

I'll throw out
the first drunk.

With any luck, it'll be me.

[knocking]
Sirs?

Yes, young man.
How many in your party?

-Huh?
-As you can see, we're jammed,

but if you
give us your name,

we'll have you paged
here at the bar.

The couple at
table 27 are leaving.

Busboy, set up table 27

for the young man
in the green tuxedo.

We usually hold it
for Cesar Romero,

but he sprained
his mustache.

Sirs, with your permission,

would you stop horsing
around, please?

You hate the table.

Uh, no, the table's
fine, really.

Uh, can I fix you
a Shirley Temple
or a Roy Rogers?

Is it true
about those two?

Come on, would youse?
Shh, shh.

Shh, shh.

We're getting a new
commanding officer.

-Frank's out?
-Shh!

-Great!
-Great?

I've been sticking pins in my
Frank Burns doll for a year.

"Colonel Sherman Potter,
surgeon, medical..."

-USA!
-Regular army?

Career man.

Trouble?

An army doctor!

He'll have people bleeding
by the numbers.

He's gotta be a loser,

otherwise why would they
dump him in a MASH?

A career man.

That's even worse
than Frank,

who's neither one
nor the other.

How'd he take it?
Frank?

Are you kidding?

My palms are sweating off.
I'm afraid to tell him.

You'd better show him
the orders, Radar.

-He'll hit me.
-Come on.

No! He's been murder on me.

Making me shave.

He makes me bathe!

The man has no
respect for crud.

-Let's go with him, B.J.
-A pleasure.

Oh, hey, would you really?
That's terrific.

Hold table 27.

No, no, no, Sergeant.

From now on,

you will not simply slop
food onto these trays.

Look at this random
arrangement, Major.

I'm looking.

The kidney beans
have slopped over

from the kidney bean
compartment

into the applesauce
compartment.

The dehydrated potatoes
are in every compartment.

It's no wonder I never
have an appetite.

Sergeant,
I want standardization

of compartment usage.

When I look down a table
at a row of trays,

I want to see beans,
beans, beans, beans,

potatoes, potatoes,
potatoes,

applesauce, applesauce,
applesauce.

You got that?

-Yes.
-Yes, what?

-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir, what?

Yes, sir, yes, sir...

three bags full?

Well, where's the mail?
It got here ten minutes ago.

Um, I've got it, sir.

Well, is there
anything for me?

Um... [clearing throat]

Um, nothing from
Mrs. Burns, sir.

I don't care
what I didn't get.

RADAR:
No, sir.

What did I get?

Um, here's a card from
your veterinarian.

-Oh!
-Time for your rabies shot.

Wisenheimer. Shouldn't you
be eating or something?

We just had a cupcake
on the train.

I've warned you, Hunnicut.

Don't let this man
corrupt you.

I'm doing
my very best, sir.

Well, what else is there,
Corporal?

Um, uh, your service
station back home

is having a free buffet
to open their new lube rack.

And, uh, they're gonna
be having punch

and balloons
and Greasy the Clown.

Oh, what's this?
It looks official.

Um, ahem, oh.

You're being replaced, sir.

What?

Smelling salts
for two, Doctor.

This is outrageous!
It's completely unfair.

Oh, no, Major.
This is, uh,

not an unusual
occurrence at all.

I mean, this is the way
the army is run.

After all,
we're all merely cogs

in a giant military
medical machine.

Each cog occasionally
has to lose a tooth

on the gear of life.

Now, um, if you'll
all excuse me,

I'd, uh, best prepare
for the change of command.

Frank, you took
that so well.

I'm very proud of you.

Qué será, será.

It was a blow
below the belt.

Well, we've both had
our share of those.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

It's not fair!
It's not fair!

It's not fair!
It's my MASH!

It's mine, it's mine,
it's mine, it's mine,

it's mine!

I know, darling.

There, there. Shh.

I already wrote Mommy.

Oh, your mother
will understand.

I mean my wife.

Buzz off!

You'll all be sorry
when I'm gone.

You'll see!

Sorry, Henry.

Another national
monument destroyed.

Come on! It's hot.

I'm ruining
my arm shields.

Major Burns's
bed back, sirs.

Aw, gee.

It's a shame
about the bar.

I was only there once,
but I really loved it.

All right.
Gangway, mister.

Corporal O'Reilly,
take your moving party

and get the rest of my things
from the C.O.'s office.

Another week in command,

and I'd have had you
out of that dress.

I'm not that easy.

Welcome home, Frank.

We kept your lice right
where you left 'em.

-Oh.
-What's this?

Oh, my personal papers

during my tenure
as commanding officer.

When this war is history,

I'll donate them to
my college library.

They'll not only
benefit humanity,

but, uh, they're
tax deductible.

Hey, now,
that's classified!

"From Frank Burns,
commanding officer,

to Sergeant Zale, supply."

An order to glue
a cracked bedpan?

History, Frank?
Benefit humanity, Frank?

"To the mess sergeant.

Hereafter, you will drain
the oil from tuna fish."

Every thousand miles.

Fine thanks I get.

I took a sloppy,
slipshod organization

and turned it into
a smooth-running
model of efficiency.

Then I'm tossed aside!

What are you gonna do
with all this junk?

Donate it to my college.

[vehicle approaches]

[horn honking]

[honk honk]

[honk]

[honk]

Stick that horn
in your ear.

On your feet, soldier.
I'm Colonel Potter.

Oh, my...

I'm sorry, sir.

I had no idea
you were who you are,

Colonel Potter, sir.

-Get my gear, son.
-Yes, sir.

Your permission to
cover up my nakedidity?

Right.

-You got a name?
-Yes, sir.

Corporal O'Reilly,
company clerk.

I'm sorry about this, sir.

Saddle goes in my office.

That box in my office.
The rest in my tent.

Uh, yes, sir.

What were you doing
with that shiny cardboard?

Getting a tan, sir.

That sun'll rip the hide
right off of you.

Oh, yes, sir.
I was...

You expecting a horse
later, sir?

Wish I were.

I've had this saddle
since my cavalry days

in the Great War.

World War I, sir?

15 years old.
Lied about my age.

Had big thighs
for a boy.

I want that filing
cabinet over there

over there.

Uh, sir, Colonel Blake
tried it over there,

but he found it worked
better over there.

I think you'll find
it works better

for you too, sir,
over there, sir.

Blake's gone, son.
I'm here.

-I'll have it over there.
-You'll have it over there.

Get some help.

I don't want
a ruptured company clerk.

Uh, yes, sir.

I'll do the best
I can, sir.

Klinger, no!

I saw him pull in.
This is my chance!

-He's got a saddle.
-I don't care.

He's regular army.

And I'm regular crazy.

Colonel Potter, sir.

Corporal Klinger.

I'm Section Eight,
head-to-toe.

I'm wearing
a Warner bra.

I play with dolls.

My last wish
is to be buried

in my mother's
wedding gown.

I'm nuts.
I should be out.

Horse hockey.

I've seen these dodges for
40 years, all the tricks.

Knew a private
pretended he was a mare.

Carried a colt in
his arms for weeks.

Another fellow said
he was a daisy.

Insisted we water him
every morning.

No, no, Corporal.
It ain't gonna go with me.

Now, you get out of that
froufrou and into a uniform.

And you stay in uniform.

Dismissed!

Radar, I'm finished.
I gotta burn my bloomers.

I see him around sometimes.

Right here will be fine.

Yes, sir.

I want to see my officers.

Yes, sir.

Why, uh, "Radar"?

Oh, well, uh,

sometimes I can tell
what's gonna happen

before it happens.

-Is that so?
-Yes, sir.

The officers' latrine
is to the right, sir.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

[whistling]

-[feedback]
-Ow!

Sorry, camp.

Attention, by command of
the new commanding officer,

all officers report
to the commanding officer's
office, sirs.

Father Mulcahy.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. You're clean.

Thank God, sir.

-Catholic?
-Yes, sir.

Can you do a Methodist
thing for me on Sunday?

I handle all
denominations, Colonel.

Any other Methodists
in the outfit?

Mmm, two or three.

Good. I hate to sing alone.

Major Houlihan.

Sir!

-Chief nurse.
-Yes, sir.

Ten years, spotless record.

Thank you, sir.

Major Frank Burns.

Just friends, sir.

I mean, he's not
here, sir.

He's indisposed.

Captain Pierce.

Yo.

Keep your yo's
to yourself.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

-Captain Hunnicutt.
-Yes, sir.

You two were reprimanded
by Major Burns

for setting fire
to the latrine.

That was an accident.

We were having
a weenie roast.

In the latrine?

We're not allowed to cook
in our tents, sir.

Also, Pierce, it says here

you had a live chicken
flown here by helicopter,

claiming it was a patient.

It was a rare bird,
Colonel.

It could tap dance.

And a year ago,
the Tokyo provost marshal

claims you stole
a steam shovel.

I couldn't get a cab.

I gather you drink.

Only to excess.

Colorful officers,
I must say.

Well, that is one thing
I do not need.

I would greatly
appreciate it if,

for the next 18 months,
you keep your noses clean.

Dismissed!

It's terrific of Frank
to put all that stuff

in our service records.

Just where is No Lips?

He left.

He was so upset when
he didn't get the command,

he just took off.

You're kidding!

Frank's run away
from home?

Shh! No.
Not a word.

-Oh, okay.
-My lips are sealed.

And I won't say anything.

Really, honest.
Not a word.

-Attention, all personnel.
-Oh, Pierce!

You won't believe this, camp.
Hello, camp?

-Are you there, camp?
-Pierce. Pierce.

Would you, please?
I'm trying to say something.

D'you think Potter'll
object to the still?

I don't know. If he
makes me get rid of it,

I'm gonna get into one
of Klinger's dresses.

Not while he's
wearing it, I hope.

We'll see.

Sirs?

Ah, speaking
of Mrs. Devil.

What's the matter, Klinger?

What's with
the arms and legs?

Look! Ah!

Wherever my uniform
covers me, I got a rash.

Ahh.

You ever been
allergic to cotton?

-No.
-Wools?

-No.
-Synthetics?

No, sir. Ahh!

Now for the $2 question.

Have you been
over to Rosie's Bar

to visit a business girl?

No, no,
they don't like me.

They're jealous
of my clothes.

Have any of your
freckles been moving

-from one spot to another?
-Oh, no.

If you're referring
to tiny livestock, sir,

I'm very careful
about that.

Ah!

Rash ends where
the uniform ends.

-Psychosomatic?
-Elementary.

Started the minute
I got out of my civvies.

-Civvies!
-Civvies.

That's it.
Of course.

Your ladies' clothes
are your defense
against the system.

-What do I do?
-Simple.

Take two aspirin
and wear your best slip

next to your skin.

Is that an order, sir?

-Why not?
-Thank you, sir!

[whimpers]

POTTER:
Straighten Lillie Bell.

She's crooked.

Oh.

That's Royal King!

Can't you tell a mare
from a stallion?

Sorry, sir.

I'm good at hamsters.

Hamsters?

All they ever do
is eat lettuce

and make jelly beans.

Yes, sir. What do you
want me to do

with this lady's
picture, sir?

-Up here?
-No, no, that's Mrs. Potter.

She always goes on the right
side of my desk.

Oh...
Nice lady, sir.

Five sisters,
and not a bum in the lot.

Oh! Right on
the right side.

Good.
I never start a day

without throwing
Mrs. Potter a salute.

Or, in lieu thereof,
Mrs. Potter's picture.

-Thank you.
-Welcome.

Good conduct medal
with a clasp.

Only an enlisted man
can get one.

MacArthur hasn't got one.
Bradley, neither.

Wow!

It sure is nice to
know that you were once

as common as I am, sir.

What is it?

Chopper, sir.

I don't hear anything.

[helicopter approaching]

Chopper!

MAN [on P.A.]:
Attention!

Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded.

Both shifts to O.R.
on the double.

Incoming wounded.

Let's go.
Let's go, people.

Coming, sir.

What'd you find out?

He's mostly
administration.

He hasn't been
in an operating room
for two years!

Terrific.

Margaret...

if this guy's a klutz,

if he gets into
any kind of trouble,

give me a nudge.
Or B.J.

Right.

Corporal, is it dark
outside yet?

Uh, almost, ma'am.

Who cares?

Major Burns.

He might be cold.

Or hurt. Or lost.

Major, he's throwing
a temper tantrum.

He'll come home when
he gets hungry, Mommy.

You ready?

I hope so.

This way to the body
and fender shop.

[chatter]

Clamp.

Right in there.

Done.

Get him into post-op.

Start him on 600,000 units
of penicillin, V.I.P.

Litter!

-Yes, sir.
-Next!

Another clamp.

How you doin'?

You don't get many bellies
like this back home.

Comes from eating
too many bullets.

Close. I've got two
Penrose drains in him.

Yes.

How's he doing?

So far, fine.
Simple operations.

Keep your eye on him.

B.J.: 4-0 silk.

-May I?
-Sure, Colonel.

I'd resect that area
of small intestine.

It may be ischemic.

Was planning to do
that, Colonel,

just as soon as I get
this bleeding stopped.

-Uh-huh.
-Clamp.

How's the rash, Klinger?

Upstairs, terrible.
Downstairs, okay.

-How come?
-I'm wearing a half-slip.

Clamp.

Got a bad bleeder here.

Oh, my Lord.

Retract that
a little bit more.

Get some suction
in there.

Suction.

Here, give me that.

Can you get that bowel
out of the way?

I need some help here.

Pack it off.

And keep the pressure on it.

You're not gonna lose him.

Ah, you're doing
just fine, son.

Little more suction, Nurse.

[suction hisses]

Thank you, Doctor.

Yeah, that's coming along.

Put him under.

Colonel,

you did a nice job
with that kid in there.

You handled the rough part.

They were pretty
shaky going in,

I gotta tell ya.

Sittin' behind a desk
for two years,

I thought I might've
lost my touch.

But I guess
surgery's like a bicycle.

Once you learn it,
you never forget.

Nice to know there's
a little pizazz

left in the old digits.

What time is it?

-3:30 a.m.
-I could use a belt.

Colonel, Captain Hunnicutt
and I know just the place.

Checkered tablecloths,
candlelight...

Out here? Pizza?

No, but you can chew
on a rubber glove.

[chuckling]

Talk about your backs.

Here, turn around.

-[crack]
-Oh! Dandy.

Mm-hmm.

Learned that
from an old Arab.

He liked flat camels.

[glasses clink]

[Hawkeye, Potter laugh]

[laughter continues]

Margaret.

Margaret.

[laughter]

Margaret, it's me: Frank.

Frank.

Oh, Frank, my darling.

Are you all right?
Where have you been?

What happened to you?
I've been worried sick.

It was awful out there,

all dark. I was hungry.

A dog chased me
and bit my duffel bag.

Oh, my poor darling.

What happened
to your clothes?

I fell down.

Aw. Oh, there, there.

Oh, it's so good to be home.

-Oh.
-Ohh.

Did anybody miss me?

I did, sugar.

What about the colonel
and Pierce and Hunnicut?

Uh, did they even care?
Were they upset?

Of course they were.

Oh. [panting]

Margaret, I know
this isn't the time to ask.

Ask, darling.

But after stumbling around
in the dark

and here you are
all warm and loving.

Ask, Frank, ask.

Have you got any cookies?

♪ There's a long,
long night of waiting ♪

♪ Until my dreams
all come true ♪

♪ Till the day
when I'll be going ♪

♪ Down that long,
long trail with you ♪

To Blackjack Pershing.

Inventor of 21.

To Montgomery Ward.

And his orchestra.

And his orchestra.

To Harry Truman.

To Bess Truman.
To Margaret Truman.

To err is Truman.

That's not bad.

But if you boys generate
a little more heat

and wrap a little
tinfoil around the top,

you'll get
a better yield.

And you'll land in jail.

And his orchestra.

I had a still on Guam
in-in World War II.

One night it blew up.

That's how I got
my Purple Heart.

Keep it under your hat.

Consider it under,
Colonel.

My friends call me Stud.

To Myrna Loy.

Hear, hear.

Speaking of Myrna Loy,

I'd like to talk to you
about Corporal Klinger.

-And his all-girl orchestra?
-Seriously.

♪ There's a long,
long trail a-winding ♪

♪ Into the land
of my dreams ♪

♪ Where the nightingales
are singing ♪

♪ And the white moon beams

♪ There's a long,
long night of waiting ♪

♪ Until my dreams
all come true ♪

♪ Till the day
when I'll be coming ♪

♪ Down that long,
long trail with you ♪

This is, uh,
Opal's Pride, a filly.

Bought her in '47.

From the hubcaps
she looks like a '46.

That's Sylvia Bee,
Opal's Pride's sister.

Look at that rump.

Ah, you can tell
they're sisters.

You've got an eye for
horseflesh, Hawkeye.

He's good at rumps.

Colonel, sir,
Major Frank Burns.

[applause]

Reporting
for duty, sir.

That's a nasty bruise, Major.

Pain is, uh,
no stranger to me, sir.

He's had athlete's foot
all his life.

The colonel can count on me
as his second-in-command

to maintain peak military
efficiency and discipline,

which I established.

I appreciate that, Major.

Colonel Potter, sir!

-I found your bridle.
-Good.

It was in
with the trusses.

Thank you, son.

Klinger!

Nice outfit.

Well, thank you, sir.

It's from the Shirley Temple
collection.

♪♪ [theme]