Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,176 --> 00:00:04,439
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,575
Attention, all personnel.
Attention.
3
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:56,969
The eagle screams today.
It's payday.
4
00:00:57,013 --> 00:01:01,061
All personnel will kindly
form an orderly stampede.
5
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,725
Don't push. Come on.
6
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,466
[chatter]
7
00:01:17,555 --> 00:01:18,991
Hey, come on.
8
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,645
ALL: [shouting]
9
00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,956
All right,
can we have, uh--
10
00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:29,132
can we have a little quiet
out there, please?
11
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,655
[shouting continues]
12
00:01:30,699 --> 00:01:32,657
All right, everybody, hold it
down a little, will you?
13
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:35,486
Silence these rowdies,
will you, Radar?
14
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:36,922
Quiet!
15
00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:39,316
[shouting subsides]
16
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:40,622
Radar, you've got
class coming out
17
00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:42,667
-of each belly button.
-Yes, sir.
18
00:01:42,711 --> 00:01:44,582
-Now, let's get on
with it, shall we?
-Uh, yes, sir.
19
00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,976
You are aware that you're
pay officer of today.
20
00:01:47,019 --> 00:01:48,630
Uh, yes, Radar, I know that.
21
00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:50,371
I'm not some movie I just
walked in in the middle of.
22
00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:52,503
Oh, yeah, well, I just
wanted to make sure
23
00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:54,505
you were aware of
the, uh, regulations.
24
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:57,465
Um, "Each payment
in military script,"
25
00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:59,728
uh, "is to be made
in accordance
26
00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:03,558
"with Regulation 797-94J,
27
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:06,735
"ascertaining that each
signature opposite each name
28
00:02:06,778 --> 00:02:08,650
"corresponds
with each said pay,
29
00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:11,174
"and in the event that
there is a discrepancy
30
00:02:11,218 --> 00:02:12,871
"in the aforementioned,
31
00:02:12,915 --> 00:02:15,178
"in either an overage
or an underage of funds,
32
00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:18,703
you are wholly
and only responsible."
33
00:02:24,753 --> 00:02:26,102
Thanks.
34
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,756
Are you sure
you got that, sir?
35
00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,845
Sure as you're
one foot high, Radar.
36
00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:31,151
Cut that out.
37
00:02:32,326 --> 00:02:34,023
Glad you could
all make it today.
38
00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:35,590
I'm your genial host
Hawkeye Pierce,
39
00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,983
star of stage, screen,
and radioactivity.
40
00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:40,247
Well, I guess I'll go
pay the officers.
41
00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:41,813
Why don't you go
pay the officers now?
42
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:45,513
Isn't he wonderful?
He'll be back.
43
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,428
May we have the first
contestant, please.
44
00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:52,041
Private Frank Daily, sir.
45
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:54,391
5-6-7-0-9-5-4-6.
46
00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:56,567
Daily, Daily...
47
00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,700
Right, okay.
48
00:02:58,743 --> 00:03:00,441
Seventy-five dollars
49
00:03:00,484 --> 00:03:02,617
and thirty-one,
two, three cents.
50
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,358
Just sign on the dotted.
51
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,492
Hope I got this right.
52
00:03:08,536 --> 00:03:09,885
I'm just an ordinary
chest-cutter.
53
00:03:09,928 --> 00:03:11,016
I can't make change
54
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,192
for anything over two nurses.
55
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:15,891
Next.
56
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:23,028
-Klinger!
-Yes, sir.
57
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,378
Just where do you
get the gall
58
00:03:24,421 --> 00:03:25,640
to show up for payday
59
00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:27,337
dressed like a $2.00
streetwalker?
60
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:29,252
[chuckle] Sorry, Father.
61
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:32,212
I was worried about these
earrings with tweed.
62
00:03:32,255 --> 00:03:34,605
Not only as masquerading
as a starlet
63
00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:36,259
not going to get you
out of the army,
64
00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,130
military regulations
specifically state
65
00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:39,610
that no soldier
may receive his pay
66
00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,569
unless in uniform.
In uniform.
67
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,310
Do you read me,
Corporal Crazy?
68
00:03:44,398 --> 00:03:46,051
Oh, give me a break, sir.
69
00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:48,010
I got to get my money.
It's important.
70
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,881
And next time, stand
a little closer to the razor
71
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:51,405
when you shave.
72
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,450
My knees get in the way.
73
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:55,322
Dismissed! March!
74
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:58,281
Hup, 2, 3, 4!
Hup, 2, 3, 4!
75
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,022
Sir, you busy?
76
00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:03,417
No, Radar. Just looking
for my wallet. Clamp.
77
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:04,722
It's payday. Your money.
78
00:04:04,766 --> 00:04:07,377
Uh, retract the bowel,
nurse.
79
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,249
Just file it
in the office, Radar,
80
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,554
under "Broke."
81
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:12,730
Uh, yes, sir.
82
00:04:13,992 --> 00:04:15,255
There we go.
83
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:20,085
I don't look old enough
to be his father, do I?
84
00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:21,304
No, sir.
85
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,828
I've never been sure,
you know.
86
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:26,483
I spent a week
in his home town once.
87
00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:28,093
Suction here.
88
00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:31,836
Okay.
Now, no-limit game?
89
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,534
Check and raise?
Okay?
90
00:04:33,577 --> 00:04:36,145
Usual rules. You got
the pink slip on it,
91
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:37,364
you can bet it.
92
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:39,061
Oh, we gonna play or talk?
93
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,410
Here's your pay, ma'am.
94
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:41,498
Thanks, Pee-wee.
95
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:42,630
Sir.
96
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:43,674
Thanks, Radar.
97
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,634
Been in the family for years.
98
00:04:46,677 --> 00:04:48,113
Found him on my doorstep.
99
00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:50,551
Never regretted taking him
out of the milk bottle.
100
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,424
Open for 5.
101
00:04:54,468 --> 00:04:57,601
Your 5 and 5 more.
102
00:04:57,645 --> 00:05:00,038
Oh, Captain Kamikaze's
in town, huh?
103
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:03,041
Next!
104
00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:09,352
Corporal Klinger. 36-24-36.
105
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,877
This man
is not to be paid.
106
00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:14,618
What are you talking about?
107
00:05:14,662 --> 00:05:16,011
I said he wasn't to be paid
108
00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:17,360
unless he got into uniform.
109
00:05:17,404 --> 00:05:19,493
What's this,
chopped liver?
110
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,451
Here you go, Klinger.
111
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,585
Just sign your Jane Hancock.
112
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,238
You're a prince, sir.
113
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,197
You may kiss my ring later.
114
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:33,420
Are you just going to sit there
and go over my head?
115
00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:37,946
Frank, if I could yawn
with my mouth closed,
116
00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:39,991
you'd have no idea how
boring you really are.
117
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:43,081
Oh, phooey to youey!
118
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,780
Next.
119
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,347
Here's your pay, Father.
120
00:05:47,390 --> 00:05:49,000
Thank you, Radar.
121
00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:50,872
You collected anything for
Sister Theresa's orphanage?
122
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:53,265
Oh, four I.O.U.s
123
00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:56,138
and an offer to give
the bishop a nose job.
124
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:57,357
Oh, well,
don't worry about it.
125
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,010
It'll get better.
126
00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:00,925
Why, thank you, Radar.
127
00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:03,537
Casting bread upon
the waters, my son?
128
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,365
Oh, no, Father.
I'd never do that.
129
00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,670
Food is sacred.
130
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,588
All officers paid
and accounted for, Hawk.
131
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:14,156
Good man.
You got a big day planned?
132
00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:16,463
Oh, I just figured
I'd goof off
and take a shower.
133
00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:19,727
Oh, decided not to wait
till the end of the war, huh?
134
00:06:19,770 --> 00:06:22,077
I, myself, personally, am off
135
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:25,385
to the Officers'
Tonsil Wash Emporium
and Whoopee Parlor
136
00:06:25,428 --> 00:06:27,822
to meet a nurse of
the totally opposite sex.
137
00:06:27,865 --> 00:06:30,694
And there isn't a thing
she can do I don't deserve.
138
00:06:33,784 --> 00:06:35,264
Where did this come from?
139
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,918
It was left over.
It's yours.
140
00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:38,267
A tip from Uncle Sam.
141
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,660
[clinking]
142
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:42,967
Ten bucks?
Hey, I can't keep this.
143
00:06:43,011 --> 00:06:45,492
Well, then, share it
with ten corporals.
144
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:47,450
-I can't.
-Or 20 privates
at 50 cents each.
145
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:49,931
Go buy some popcorn.
See the new hygiene film.
146
00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,672
No, you don't
understand.
147
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,325
When you-- When you
got funds left over,
148
00:06:53,369 --> 00:06:55,197
you have to fill out this
special refund fund form.
149
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,373
No, you fill it out.
150
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,419
I'm gonna tie a giant
olive around my neck
151
00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:00,985
and sink to the
bottom of a martini.
152
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:04,641
I'm gonna need
some help with this.
153
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:08,384
Radar, tell
the United States Army,
154
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,473
which I so proudly hail,
155
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:13,128
that not only do I send
back their ten dollars,
156
00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:15,304
I would also dearly
love some compensation
157
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:17,349
for dragging me out
of my warm bed in Maine
158
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:20,440
and giving me this
ringside seat at the war
159
00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,093
which has already
caused me to lose
160
00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,356
almost $3,000
of my civilian practice
161
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,533
by not being there
to say to various people
162
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:28,665
"Please lower your trousers
and say 'Ah'."
163
00:07:31,581 --> 00:07:33,191
Uh, yeah, I just got
one question.
164
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:34,279
What?
165
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,543
Um, what is
your maiden name?
166
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:44,725
[knocking on door]
167
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,509
Come!
168
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:49,860
Kim Chun Quoc at
your service, Major, sir.
169
00:07:49,904 --> 00:07:51,296
Yes, yes, I know.
170
00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:53,473
Tiffany on wheels.
171
00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,650
Like a P.X. Better, even.
172
00:07:56,693 --> 00:08:00,915
Uh, happi coat.
Just your size, Major.
173
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:02,917
Drives the honeys nuts.
174
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:07,399
You see this?
You know what this is?
175
00:08:07,443 --> 00:08:09,532
14-karat cheap.
176
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,403
I'm a happily
married man, Mister.
177
00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:13,231
Honeys aren't any
of my business.
178
00:08:13,275 --> 00:08:15,190
Ah! The wife.
179
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,846
I got some pearls here.
180
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:21,718
The oysters cried
when they gave them up.
181
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,547
[whistling]
Those are real beauts.
182
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:26,549
The major knows the best.
183
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:30,205
Of course I know the best.
I'm an American, after all.
184
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,773
Fifteen hundred bucks.
And I don't haggle.
185
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,122
Too rich for my blood.
186
00:08:34,165 --> 00:08:37,604
Uh, yeah, 800.
But we didn't haggle.
187
00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:39,431
-Not a penny more than five.
-You got 'em.
188
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,564
And I'll throw in an
imitation set for 50 bucks,
189
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,131
no extra charge.
190
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:44,915
What would I do with
an imitation set?
191
00:08:44,959 --> 00:08:47,222
Well, the major's
happily married.
192
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:48,832
Uh, he must have
something on the side,
193
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:51,226
or he wouldn't be
so happy.
194
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:53,489
I owe the pot 50 bucks.
195
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,230
You want me to lend
you a hundred?
196
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,798
Give it to me free,
and I'll marry you.
197
00:08:57,841 --> 00:09:02,411
Not if either one of us
was the last man on Earth.
198
00:09:02,454 --> 00:09:04,065
You're down 500, Doc.
199
00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:05,370
Who asked you?
200
00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:07,198
There's a bonus
for re-enlisting.
201
00:09:07,242 --> 00:09:09,810
You got terminal mouth,
Sergeant. Deal.
202
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,202
Excuse me.
203
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,814
Any room for
a poor pulpit-pounder?
204
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,076
Fall right in, Father.
205
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:16,817
Oh, you're very kind.
206
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:20,255
You see, I'm hoping
to raise some funds.
207
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:22,126
I gave at the office.
208
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:24,128
No extra help, Father.
209
00:09:24,172 --> 00:09:25,826
Oh, no, no.
210
00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:30,700
Don't you have
something really pretty?
211
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:32,572
Life here is so colorless,
212
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:33,964
so... blah.
213
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,271
Oh...
214
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:37,794
Now that's class.
215
00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:40,492
Oh. Oh.
216
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:41,668
How much?
217
00:09:41,711 --> 00:09:42,756
1,500.
218
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,018
Oh.
219
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,802
Uh, 500?
220
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:49,545
An oyster irritated
for over a year
221
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,069
to form these
spherical delights.
222
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,244
250?
223
00:09:53,288 --> 00:09:55,246
Too much.
224
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:57,509
Look, I can get you
a strand for 35 bucks.
225
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,163
No irritation,
no sweat, no nothing.
226
00:09:59,207 --> 00:10:01,557
The oysters were glad
to get rid of them.
227
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,515
Well, uh,
could I have a look?
228
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,692
I sold the last set to a major
a couple of tents down.
229
00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:07,607
I can get you
the same in an hour.
230
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:11,219
A major? Major Burns?
231
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:12,655
I don't know his name.
232
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,657
Uh, he had what
we call in Korea
233
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,703
a real fertilizer face.
234
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:22,534
He bought cheap
pearls, this major?
235
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:24,928
Also the $500 job
for his wife.
236
00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:26,277
He's a happy married man.
237
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:27,583
I could tell by
the way the ring
238
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,802
was cuttin' into his finger.
239
00:10:30,412 --> 00:10:32,544
Attention, all personnel.
240
00:10:32,588 --> 00:10:34,764
Due to the incredible
mediocrity
241
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,287
of last night's movie,
242
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:39,508
it will be shown again
tonight at 2100 hours.
243
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:42,729
Captain Pierce,
you dance divinely.
244
00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:45,514
My parents made me
take divine lessons.
245
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:47,342
Smart parents.
246
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:50,171
It broke my heart to leave
them back there on Krypton.
247
00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:53,000
You couldn't get any
closer, could you?
248
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:55,002
Not unless I got
behind you.
249
00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:58,005
Psst, psst.
250
00:10:58,048 --> 00:10:59,354
What's that?
251
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:01,138
Either the camp
has a flat,
252
00:11:01,182 --> 00:11:04,054
or Radar has developed
a slow leak.
253
00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:05,969
Uh, I've got to
talk to you, sir.
254
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,579
Not now, Radar.
255
00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:09,059
Oh, I think you'll find
this very interesting, sir.
256
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:12,802
It better be. I was
about to give this girl
257
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,238
the dip of a lifetime.
258
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,721
State your business
in one word or less.
259
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:21,158
Uh, well, you remember
when you were spreading
260
00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,117
your onions
on your hot dog?
261
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,249
I beg your pardon?
262
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:27,208
And I took down
everything you said
263
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,210
about how much
compensation you wanted.
264
00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:33,649
Mr. Kwang, can I have
a martini, please?
265
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:37,609
And a Shirley Temple,
extra dry.
266
00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:40,917
What's this?
267
00:11:40,961 --> 00:11:43,180
The $3,000 you asked for.
268
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:44,747
I think I love you.
269
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:48,011
You are to send this back
in a plain brown jeep.
270
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,274
It doesn't make any sense.
271
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:52,146
Well, none of it
makes any sense.
272
00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:54,714
You just send in
the right number of forms.
273
00:11:54,757 --> 00:11:57,455
I can't keep money
that doesn't belong to me.
274
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,936
Listen, I got a friend down
at the 43rd made a mistake
275
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:02,852
and ended up with
5,000 specimen cups.
276
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:05,072
He's going into
the ices business.
277
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:12,035
$3,000?
278
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,950
Uh, plus 10.
279
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:16,997
$3,010.
280
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:21,088
Mr. Kwang, I'd like to
buy South Korea a drink.
281
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:27,181
Mmm, 50.
282
00:12:27,224 --> 00:12:29,444
There's one short here.
283
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,581
[humming]
284
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:40,368
$831.75.
285
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:43,240
Tidy little bundle
of wampum, eh, Radar?
286
00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:45,242
Oh, yes, sir.
287
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:47,592
Uh-huh. Taxes, federal.
288
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:50,682
That's what I help pay to
keep our boys, which I'm one,
289
00:12:50,726 --> 00:12:53,337
to maintain my wife's way
of life that's over there,
290
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:55,383
which is why
we're over here.
291
00:12:55,426 --> 00:12:56,863
Yes, sir.
292
00:12:56,906 --> 00:12:59,300
Then you got your
unemployment insurance.
293
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:02,216
That's in case the war
I'm paying for ends
and I lose my job.
294
00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:04,087
Yes, sir.
Will that be all, sir?
295
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,219
That'll be all, Radar.
296
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:11,573
Which leaves a grand total
297
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:14,924
of $43 for yours truly
to play poker with.
298
00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:16,708
Uh, Corporal Klinger
to see you, sir.
299
00:13:16,752 --> 00:13:19,015
At this time of night?
300
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:21,931
Send that dressmaker's
nightmare away.
301
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:25,543
Sir.
302
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,593
Sit down, Klinger.
What can I do for you?
303
00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:34,944
Colonel, I got
a proposition to make.
304
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,642
Forget it. We'd regret
it the rest of our lives.
305
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:39,906
Cooler-offer?
306
00:13:42,038 --> 00:13:45,172
$477.
307
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:47,000
Three months' pay.
308
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,002
I must say,
that's admirable, Klinger.
309
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:51,004
And there's another 250
in a locker
310
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:52,788
in Grand Central Station.
311
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,094
That's terrific.
312
00:13:54,137 --> 00:13:55,922
Here's a quarter for the key.
313
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:57,575
What?
314
00:13:57,619 --> 00:14:01,579
Let me out on a psycho,
and it's all yours.
315
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,059
What is this?
316
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:05,583
This is a bribe.
Let me go home.
317
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:09,979
Klinger. You are lower
than a pregnant snail.
318
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:14,157
I can't stand it anymore.
There's a war out there, sir.
319
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:17,900
I'm aware of it, Klinger.
Don't you think I'm afraid?
320
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:20,337
My nerves don't
sit still a minute.
321
00:14:20,381 --> 00:14:22,905
I swear, some archaeologist,
a hundred years from now...
322
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:25,908
will dig me up slumped
over in the latrine.
323
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,650
Then run away with
me, sir. Together.
324
00:14:30,913 --> 00:14:34,221
'Scuse, please. I got a
date with a royal flush.
325
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:37,267
But as a favor to you, I'm
not gonna mention the bribe.
326
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,313
Ah, come off of it, Colonel.
327
00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:42,925
Bribery is as American
as toreador pants. Colonel?
328
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:46,842
MARGARET:
Who is it?
329
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,975
It's your boop-boop
a-dooper.
330
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,498
Come in, Frank.
331
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,329
Margaret, you're
wearing that sweater.
332
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:56,939
Mm-hmm.
333
00:14:56,983 --> 00:14:58,506
I want to be buried with
that sweater, Margaret.
334
00:14:58,549 --> 00:15:00,247
[chuckling]
335
00:15:00,290 --> 00:15:03,685
I know you think of me as a
clear-eyed, iron-willed major,
336
00:15:03,728 --> 00:15:06,688
toughened by action,
brutalized by others' pain.
337
00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,298
But there's
another Frank Burns.
338
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:09,909
My other alter ego.
339
00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,955
Is that the ego she dragged
to the altar, Frank?
340
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:14,914
I'm talking about
the sweetheart me.
341
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,873
The generous guy
with a heart of gold
and the soft underbelly.
342
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,788
Close your crinkly
little eyes.
343
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:24,967
What is it, Frank?
344
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,926
Look.
345
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:30,842
Gorgeous.
Simply gorgeous.
346
00:15:30,886 --> 00:15:34,237
Margaret, I could
rape your nape.
347
00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:38,502
You're sweet.
Where did you get them?
348
00:15:38,546 --> 00:15:41,027
Oh, down in
Seoul last time.
349
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:42,289
You know that
high-class jeweler's
350
00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:44,247
in the lobby
of the Chosun Hotel?
351
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:47,207
They must have cost hundreds
and hundreds of dollars.
352
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:49,122
Now I want one kiss
for each pearl
353
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:50,471
and something special
for the clasp.
354
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:52,647
[chuckling]
355
00:15:52,690 --> 00:15:55,476
Oh, look how
perfect they are.
356
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:57,478
I would have been happy
with an imitation,
357
00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:01,264
and here you've gone
ahead and bought
me the real thing.
358
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:04,528
Is there any
special way you can
tell the difference?
359
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:07,227
Oh, certainly. You just rub
them against your teeth,
360
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:10,099
and if they feel rough,
they're the real thing.
361
00:16:10,143 --> 00:16:12,319
Well, the peddler, that is,
the jeweler warned me
362
00:16:12,362 --> 00:16:14,321
that these come from
your Oriental-type oyster
363
00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,105
and are not always rough.
364
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:20,022
Whereas your common, ordinary,
man-in-the-street oyster--
365
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:25,506
But if they feel smooth,
it's the old fakeroo.
366
00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:27,508
Ohh.
[chuckling]
367
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:29,162
I never thought
I'd see the day
368
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:31,599
when I'd own
a strand like these.
369
00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:35,081
I'm just amazed you were
so extravagant for me.
370
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:37,474
Oh, well, you know.
[chuckling]
371
00:16:41,130 --> 00:16:43,785
All righty, boys.
Once around the horn.
372
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:48,224
Oh, I'm afraid
my coffers are empty.
373
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:49,747
I'd like to help,
Father,
374
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:51,445
but I lost my diploma
in the last hand.
375
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,664
Yeah. No hard
feelings, Father.
376
00:16:53,708 --> 00:16:55,362
Oh, heavens, no.
377
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,929
I think I'll just go curl
up with the Good Book.
378
00:16:57,973 --> 00:17:00,715
-New deal.
-Greetings, officers, sirs.
379
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,499
What do you got
this month, Kim?
380
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:05,372
Pipe this rock, Captain.
381
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:08,157
Whoo-eee!
That's a beauty.
382
00:17:08,201 --> 00:17:10,116
I'll give you
50 smackers for it.
383
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:14,207
Are you kidding?
The reward's worth
more than that.
384
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:15,860
♪♪ [ragtime on piano]
385
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:17,123
So any, uh--
386
00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:24,086
Uh, what's that
you're playing, Father?
387
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:28,134
Oh, just a little ragtime
I play now and then.
388
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:31,137
You know, for a priest,
you have no sense of rhythm.
389
00:17:31,180 --> 00:17:32,486
Well, it lightens
the load.
390
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,488
♪♪
391
00:17:38,448 --> 00:17:40,102
I'll make you a deal.
392
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,452
Trade you loads.
I'll unload first.
393
00:17:44,193 --> 00:17:46,108
Good Lord!
394
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,763
3,000 clams, all yours.
395
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:50,982
You see what a lot
of praying can do?
396
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:52,462
Here, I almost forgot.
Ten more.
397
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:57,424
It's an incredibly
generous donation.
398
00:17:57,467 --> 00:17:59,861
I'd agree, if I weren't
incredibly modest.
399
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,081
Take it, Father. Give it
to Sister Theresa's orphanage.
400
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:03,517
I don't care
what you do with it.
401
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,084
Buy a new gargoyle
for the Vatican.
402
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:10,350
There may be a sainthood
in this, Hawkeye.
403
00:18:10,393 --> 00:18:13,353
Yes, I can see
myself on dashboards
all over America.
404
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:16,791
Can you imagine
the children's faces
when they hear the news?
405
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:20,621
Spare me, Father.
It's makes me go
Spencer Tracy all over.
406
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,493
And now, my dear,
shall we repair to my tent?
407
00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:25,800
-I didn't
even know it was broken.
-Know it was broken, yes.
408
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,155
Good evening, Major.
409
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:36,767
Well, hello, Frank.
Walk me to the shower?
410
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,204
You're gonna shower
with your pearls on?
411
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,727
Won't they get wet?
412
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:42,860
It's not terribly dry
inside an oyster, Frank.
413
00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:45,341
Anyway, real pearls
take on a luster
414
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,648
when worn next
to the skin.
415
00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:50,172
And these are
lustering already.
416
00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,174
But, Margaret,
they're only on a thread.
417
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:54,698
Oh, I'll take them off
before I get in the shower.
418
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,526
Sorry, I can't
ask you in.
419
00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:04,578
-Hey, soldier.
-I wasn't!
420
00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:06,232
I'm looking for
your colonel, Major.
421
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,538
I have no idea where
my colonel major is, Captain.
422
00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:10,627
Yes, sir.
423
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,833
Leave your duck
in the shower, Frank?
424
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,922
Oh, scramski!
425
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:46,794
Pervert!
426
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:49,492
Fork over 75 bucks,
or I'll tell the A.M.A.
427
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:50,537
You wouldn't!
428
00:19:52,452 --> 00:19:53,540
You're bluffing.
429
00:19:54,802 --> 00:19:57,196
How could you tell?
430
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,939
-I think I love this.
-Mmm, kissing?
431
00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:03,898
You make a great
lower-lip sandwich.
432
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:08,511
-You like Chinese food?
-Mm-hmm.
433
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:11,253
You like walking
in the rain?
434
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:12,733
Mm-hmm. Mmm!
435
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,215
How about eating
Chinese food in the rain?
436
00:20:19,305 --> 00:20:21,568
Lend me 15, Frank.
That's my final offer.
437
00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:24,135
N-O spells no!
438
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,399
We're not being quiet
too loudly for you, are we?
439
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,183
Hey, give me 50 bucks.
440
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,141
I got an inside straight.
I hit it lucky.
441
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:32,622
You have all the luck
442
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,145
of the navigator
of the Titanic.
443
00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:35,843
What about all
our knee-scraping,
444
00:20:35,886 --> 00:20:38,019
commode-hugging
good times?
445
00:20:38,062 --> 00:20:40,282
What about the four-leaf
clover that gave you a rash?
446
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,892
What about all
the times in O.R.?
447
00:20:41,936 --> 00:20:43,503
The bowels we resected?
448
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:45,809
We've been together
through thick and thick.
449
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:48,334
Trapper, you have
a gift for losing.
450
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,336
You put money
in a parking meter,
451
00:20:50,379 --> 00:20:52,686
it comes up
three lemons.
452
00:20:52,729 --> 00:20:53,817
[Frank burbling]
453
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:59,258
Frank's mating call.
Gross, but effective.
454
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:01,390
Tee-hee.
455
00:21:03,653 --> 00:21:06,874
You're right, Hawk.
I'd probably blow the hand.
456
00:21:06,917 --> 00:21:08,789
Think I'll go back and fold.
457
00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:14,403
As I remember, I was
checking you for polyps.
458
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:16,536
-Sir!
-Oh, listen--
459
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,451
A Captain Sloan
to see you, sir.
460
00:21:18,494 --> 00:21:21,323
I'll see you at 6:00,
after the war.
461
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:27,286
I'm Captain Sloan,
Supervising Acc-Fin.
462
00:21:27,329 --> 00:21:28,765
Acc-Fin?
463
00:21:28,809 --> 00:21:30,332
Accounting and Finance.
464
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:31,638
Oh, I'm Hawkeye Pierce,
465
00:21:31,681 --> 00:21:33,422
Aggravated Doc-Surge.
466
00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:35,337
I'd like to stay, but that
would keep me from going.
467
00:21:35,381 --> 00:21:37,339
Hold on.
468
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:39,428
You're this month's
pay officer?
469
00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:41,474
I also double as rodent
officer, rumor officer,
470
00:21:41,517 --> 00:21:43,693
and termite officer
on Arbor Day.
471
00:21:43,737 --> 00:21:47,262
Well, you're $3,000
deep in trouble, Captain.
472
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:50,309
Did you really think
you could get away with it?
473
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:51,832
What are you
talking about?
474
00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:53,355
Where are the funds you
thought you could swindle
475
00:21:53,399 --> 00:21:55,401
the United States
government out of?
476
00:21:55,444 --> 00:21:57,228
As though anyone
might think they could.
477
00:21:57,272 --> 00:22:00,406
How long have you had this
delusion that you're human?
478
00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:02,146
Father Mulcahy's here, sir.
479
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:03,757
Is someone in need of aid?
480
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,062
Sit down, shorty.
481
00:22:07,064 --> 00:22:09,458
We've got your boss.
482
00:22:09,502 --> 00:22:10,851
Father, this is
the kind gentleman
483
00:22:10,894 --> 00:22:12,592
who gave us the money.
484
00:22:12,635 --> 00:22:14,898
Oh, bless your heart, sir.
485
00:22:14,942 --> 00:22:17,161
I've driven the money
over to Sister Theresa.
486
00:22:17,205 --> 00:22:19,555
The orphans now have
milk in their stomachs
487
00:22:19,599 --> 00:22:21,818
and warm blankets
on the floor.
488
00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:24,038
-Well, I want it back.
-Back?
489
00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:26,562
As in, now.
As in, all of it.
490
00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:28,869
Or you'll be preaching
in the stockade.
491
00:22:28,912 --> 00:22:30,261
Dear me.
492
00:22:30,305 --> 00:22:32,307
Captain Sloan,
you're helping to ruin
493
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,353
one of the worst
days of my life.
494
00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:36,398
Every time I've tried to
register with a certain nurse,
495
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:38,922
someone's committed
captain interruptus.
496
00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:41,185
And now you accuse me
of stealing.
497
00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:42,709
But you're gonna
really be in trouble
498
00:22:42,752 --> 00:22:45,146
if you harm one hair
on this man's halo.
499
00:22:45,189 --> 00:22:47,888
Did you know that
contributions to the church
500
00:22:47,931 --> 00:22:50,194
can be written off
on your income tax?
501
00:22:52,066 --> 00:22:53,502
You're coming
with me, Pierce.
502
00:22:53,546 --> 00:22:55,243
First, we'll check out
with your C.O.
503
00:22:55,286 --> 00:22:56,984
Checkout time's
not till 11:00.
504
00:22:59,290 --> 00:23:01,989
TRAPPER:
Your 50... and 50 more.
505
00:23:02,032 --> 00:23:03,120
Is that a hundred?
506
00:23:03,164 --> 00:23:04,470
How do I know?
507
00:23:04,513 --> 00:23:06,559
I dropped out of school
to become a doctor.
508
00:23:06,602 --> 00:23:08,517
-Colonel Blake?
-Disappear, Radar.
509
00:23:08,561 --> 00:23:10,563
Come on, will ya?
It's 3:00 in the morning.
510
00:23:10,606 --> 00:23:12,739
Uh, Colonel Blake,
Captain Sloan from H.Q.
511
00:23:12,782 --> 00:23:14,044
Likewise, I'm sure.
512
00:23:14,088 --> 00:23:15,263
Henry, I'm being arrested.
513
00:23:16,743 --> 00:23:19,441
Here's my authorization
to take custody.
514
00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:21,182
We don't take that kind
of card, do we, Henry?
515
00:23:21,225 --> 00:23:23,576
ZALE:
It's up to you, Colonel.
516
00:23:23,619 --> 00:23:25,665
Um, it's too rich for me.
517
00:23:25,708 --> 00:23:28,755
-Henry--
-We'll get it straight
in a minute, Pierce.
518
00:23:28,798 --> 00:23:30,234
What are you gonna do, Henry?
519
00:23:30,278 --> 00:23:31,801
I just folded.
520
00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:33,194
I'll see your fold.
521
00:23:33,237 --> 00:23:34,848
Trapper.
522
00:23:34,891 --> 00:23:37,111
Your captain was
trying to abscond
523
00:23:37,154 --> 00:23:39,418
with $3,000
not rightfully his.
524
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:43,117
If you'll just sign this,
we'll be on our way.
525
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,773
Four 10s, you lose.
40 miles, four 10s.
526
00:23:46,816 --> 00:23:50,429
Ha-ha! It's mine!
Mine! All mine!
527
00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:52,909
I just love a gracious winner.
528
00:23:52,953 --> 00:23:54,607
Well, you finally won a hand.
529
00:23:54,650 --> 00:23:56,826
I just wish
I'd lived to see it.
530
00:23:56,870 --> 00:23:59,873
And I owe it all to you, pal.
I started with your watch.
531
00:23:59,916 --> 00:24:02,963
A little cunning, a little
cuteness, and now a fortune.
532
00:24:03,006 --> 00:24:04,530
You stole my watch?
533
00:24:04,573 --> 00:24:05,922
You want me to arrest him?
534
00:24:05,966 --> 00:24:08,490
No extra trouble
as long as I'm here.
535
00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:11,101
-We're square.
-Not quite.
536
00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:13,408
What are you doing?
537
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:14,931
A receipt, please.
538
00:24:14,975 --> 00:24:16,716
And promise me you'll go
out with other captains.
539
00:24:16,759 --> 00:24:18,544
Hey, this is
a once-in-a-lifetime shot.
540
00:24:18,587 --> 00:24:20,154
What are you doing to me?
541
00:24:20,197 --> 00:24:22,286
Look, Ravenal, the only
reason you won that pot
542
00:24:22,330 --> 00:24:24,071
is because you
stole my watch.
543
00:24:24,114 --> 00:24:25,855
If I don't give that
money to chuckles here,
544
00:24:25,899 --> 00:24:27,291
he's gonna give me
the honeymoon suite
545
00:24:27,335 --> 00:24:28,554
at the Stockade Hilton.
546
00:24:30,338 --> 00:24:31,731
You're $8.00 over.
547
00:24:31,774 --> 00:24:33,341
I'll take that,
for rent on the watch.
548
00:24:33,384 --> 00:24:34,516
Four dollars an hour.
549
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:35,909
I only had it an hour.
550
00:24:35,952 --> 00:24:37,258
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll get it fixed.
551
00:24:37,301 --> 00:24:38,825
Who is this guy?
552
00:24:38,868 --> 00:24:41,175
Boy, I wish I knew
what was going on.
553
00:24:41,218 --> 00:24:42,785
Oh, I'll tell
you later, sir.
554
00:24:42,829 --> 00:24:45,266
You always say that,
Radar, but you never do.
555
00:24:45,309 --> 00:24:47,224
Are we here
to play or talk?
556
00:24:47,268 --> 00:24:49,052
Anybody know how
to play go fish?
557
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,926
How about hearts?
Old maid?
558
00:25:02,109 --> 00:25:03,763
I'm gonna prove to you
you can't win at cards,
559
00:25:03,806 --> 00:25:05,373
even for free.
560
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:09,420
Collecting 7s, huh?
561
00:25:09,464 --> 00:25:11,684
And 10s and jacks
and 9s and 3s.
562
00:25:11,727 --> 00:25:14,208
And liddle lamzy divey.
563
00:25:14,251 --> 00:25:16,645
What, are you rubbing those
pearls on your teeth, Frank?
564
00:25:16,689 --> 00:25:19,387
The pearls are real.
Your teeth are fake.
565
00:25:19,430 --> 00:25:22,085
Why don't you give up?
You can't win.
566
00:25:22,129 --> 00:25:23,652
Ha-ha! Gin!
567
00:25:23,696 --> 00:25:25,132
-You lose. -What?
568
00:25:25,175 --> 00:25:27,003
I had gin
a long time ago.
569
00:25:27,047 --> 00:25:29,919
3s and 9s and 10s
and 7s and 12s and 6s.
570
00:25:29,963 --> 00:25:31,355
You've got
about 85 points.
571
00:25:36,230 --> 00:25:38,232
♪♪ [theme]
40878
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.