All language subtitles for The.Conners.311

Man:
...the worldwide blow-molded
plastics market is expanding

at a rate we haven't
seen since the '60s.

Our projection...
What's up with
all the crypt keepers?

Robin's gonna present
some of my ideas

to the Wellman Board
of Directors,

and she said I could watch.

It's nice
the old white guys

still have a place to hang out
and Patriarch.

Hey, Robin's talking.

I am very happy to report

that production at the Lanford plant is up 20%.

Our team has come up with
some very exciting ideas.

I am all about giving credit
where credit is due,

so, Darlene Conner,

why don't you hop on
and tell the board yourself?

Oh, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

That's what you get for having
ideas, Bride of Frankensuck.

Um,
this is quite unexpected.

Thank you so very much,
Robin.

Um, just give me a couple
minutes to gather my notes,

and I'll be right back.

Oh, my God,
I'm literally wearing sweats.

Relax.

They'll be too distracted

by the crushing poverty
around you

to notice you're a slob.

We've got two minutes.

I've got to change,
and we got to build a new house.

Emergency, everybody!

We have to find someplace
in the house

that makes me look
less poor.

Mark decorated his room
so it almost looks middle class.

The fireplace.
Rich people have those.

Oh, and books on the mantelpiece
will make you look smart.

Hey, I need those.
I'm studying.

Marry rich.
It's less work.

♪ Here's a little song
I wrote♪

I can't believe Dad nailed
this singing fish to the wall.

[ Grunts ]

How do you get this thing
to shut off?

It's motion activated.
Just stop punching it.

That's a nice sweater.

Hey, what the hell?!

Your mom is pretending
to have ideas.

She needs a costume.

Now, everybody, get out.

[ Both grunt ]

[ Both grunt ]

Too low.

Okay,
you're gonna crush this.

And in three, two...

Hello, everyone.

I've never addressed
a board before.

You caught me
a little off guard.

Uh, I'm just at
our lake house.

But I haven't forgotten
my roots.

And my time on the line
gave me insight

into how to make workers
more productive.

I, um, asked my people
what they thought

we could do better
to motivate them.

Um, and they said
small things,

like a gift card
for coffee

or a...

like, a pinball machine
in the break room.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Whispering ]
Are you okay?

My last thing
that I'm gonna impart on you

is show the line workers
that you care.

♪ Here's a little song
I wrote♪

And --
And like my fish says,

tell your employees not to worry
and be happy.

I-I got to go.
Back to you, Robin.

Darlene,
what's going on?

I don't know.
I don't know.

I can't breathe.

And my heart's pounding like
it's coming out of my chest.

I feel dizzy.

I think I'm having
a heart attack.

I'm calling 911.

No, no, no, don't.
We can't afford an ambulance.

You're gonna have to drive me
to the hospital.

My license expired,
and I haven't renewed it.

Can youdrive?

Oh, oh, right, right,
you're dying.

I'll drive.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

--Captions by VITAC--

We've been watching
this same show for five minutes,

and the story's
not going anywhere.

I think
it's an infomercial.

Really?

You thought Chuck Norris
working out was a show?

Hey, I don't need
the attitude.

I'm as strong
as that guy.
[ Laughs ]

I could whip you.

No way.
I was a cop.

What, did you carry
the criminals to jail?

You want to go?

Let's go.

I hope you didn't need that arm,
'cause I'm taking it.

Ready?
[ Grunting ] Go.

[ Grunts ]

[ Sighs ]

I know I should be surprised,
but I'm not.

You guys know
where Darlene is?

[ Grunting ] No.
Damn it.

Got to find her.
I need to talk to her.

I have a big problem.

Help Ben with his problem
on three?

Okay.

One, two...

[ Both grunt ]

So what's the problem?

Oh, I just told my mom
I'd run my dad's hardware store.

I don't know how to run
a hardware store.

I've never even
worked retail.

There's got to be somebody
who can help you.

Well, my only shot
is this guy, Mac,

who retired from the store
not too long ago.

Oh, oh, yeah, Mac.

He used to help me
and my dad

when we went to
your dad's store.

Oh, yeah?
Great guy.

But I think he's still dead.

Oh,
I'm screwed.

[ Smacks counter,
slams drawer ]

What the hell?

So...how was your day?
[ Sighs ]

I got fired off a job.

What?

Contractor called me
a liability.

Oh, my God,
what happened?

Nothing.

Some jackass
in a forklift

wasn't paying attention
and almost backed over me.

Aren't they supposed to beep
when you back up?

Oh, yeah, has to be
on all heavy machinery.

I had one on my big rig
back in the day.

I used to say,
"If you hear me a-beepin',

you better be a-leapin'.

[ Laughs ]

I didn't hear it 'cause
it's a damn construction site.

They got circular saws,
hammer drills.

Dan, I told you, you need to get
your hearing checked.

I didn't hear you
say that.

And so what if they find out
my hearing's shot?

Hearing aids
are like 5 grand.

Oh, you need
a hearing aid?

Ben is asking
if you need a hearing aid!

No, I need a lock on the door
you don't have a key to!

Well, there's kind of a weird
synchronicity going on here.

Dan, you're gonna be out of work
for a couple weeks,

and Ben needs help
at the hardware store.

Oh, I really do.

Well, no offense, Ben,
but I'm a subcontractor.

I've got my own business.

I'm not gonna throw on
an apron

and help old ladies
pick out batteries.

Hey, what if it was
just for a couple weeks

till I find
someone permanent?

Come on, Dan.

You're just gonna sit around
the house, drink beer,

and fall asleep
in your underwear.

Well, that wasthe plan,
yeah.

Well, I guess
I could help out.

We're back.
Don't worry.

What were we supposed to be
worried about?

About me
having a heart attack.

What?

It wasn't a heart attack.
She just had a panic attack.

Just a panic attack?
I thought I was gonna die.

But you didn't.

That's so scary.

Why would you have
a panic attack?

I don't know,
probably because Robin,

without any prep,

made me pitch my ideas to
the entire Board of Directors,

and your stupid fish went off
in the middle of it.

[ Laughs ]

Man, that thing
just won't quit.

W-What if the big wigs noticed
and they think

that I can't handle the pressure
of being in management

and then it ruins any chance
I have of making more money

or having a better future
for my kids?

Darlene, this family --

and I think I can speak
for everybody --

never thought for a moment
you had a chance.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, thanks, you guys.

I was getting too down.

You always remind me to keep
a sense of humor about myself.

Honey, I'm pretty sure
they were serious.

You feeling any better
this morning?

Oh, yeah, much.

And Robin said
the Board of Directors

did not even notice
my little freak out.

But she did feel badly about
throwing me in the deep water,

so she gave me a
gift certificate for a massage.

Hey, if you'd started foaming
at the mouth,

I bet you could've gotten
a suite at the Sheraton.

Here, I made you lunch
for your first day.

Aww.
I am so proud of you.

I know it was hard for you
to put the podcast on hold

to take over the store,

but you got my dad there
to help you get started,

and you can do anything
you put your mind to.

Well, come on,
young Dan.

Today is your first day
in the magical world

of washers and screws.

I hear there's plungers
as far as the eye can see

and the streets are paved
with duct tape.

Hey.

Hey.

What you looking at?

Uh, my boss gave me
a gift certificate to this spa.

Mm.

Yeah, they put rocks
on this woman.

Must be a hell of a wind
in there

if they need to do that
to keep her down.

Oh, wow.

That's
a super fancy place.

It says you got to pick between
Reiki and Shiatsu.

So, that -- that must be
those two masseuses right there.

Uh, no, no, it says those
are two types of massages.

These women
must be customers.

I guess they're there
to relax

from the stress
of being absolutely perfect.

You better take pictures

'cause none of us has ever been
to a place like that before.

[ Chuckling ]
I know. It's crazy.

Oh, my God, look.

They bring you champagne
and strawberries.

Ugh, is it hot in here?

My chest hurts.

Well,
just breathe deeply.

Is it a dull pain
or a sharp pain?

I don't know.
Why?
I don't know.

I just heard people say that
on TV before.

Is -- Is this like
what happened before?

Yes.

Do you want to call
the shrink

that they gave you
a reference for at the E.R.?
I don't know.

Don't ask me questions.
I can't think.

Why can't you think?
Don't ask me questions.

Why are you getting upset
with me?

That's another question.

I'm sorry.

Uh, what do you want me
to do?

Stop asking questions.

Get in your car
and start it.

Got it.
And then what?

Go someplace else
and let me die in peace.

Here you go.
Have a great barbecue.

And make sure that propane hose
is tightened all the way

or you're gonna kill
your family

and probably your neighbors,
too.

Have a great day.

You know,
I-I really didn't think

I'd like standing around
talking to people all day...
[ Bell jingles ]

...but it's kind of fun
when you know everything

and they're clueless idiots.

Maybe I am
a people person.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, I'm kind of surprised
at how much I know.

I guess just by osmosis
and being around my dad

and hearing about hardware
all the time.

You're the guy
without the beard.

Oh, yeah.
Uh, six feet back, please.

I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to ask you
a question

about a paint problem
I'm having at my house.

Uh, hi.
I'm the owner.

Uh, who suggested that you talk
to the man without the beard?

Just another customer.

He said be sure to talk
to the man without the beard.

[ Laughs ]

Well, I know quite a bit
about paint.

Uh, you cool?
Knock yourself out.

Alright.
How can I help?

Okay.
I bought some paint,

and it's buckling on the wall
next to my water heater.
Mm.

Was I supposed to use
a special paint?

[ Chuckles ]

Yes.

Uh, did you bring a little chip
so we can match the color?

What you need there
is a waterproof latex.

Or it might not be
the paint at all.

No?

You cool?
After you.

Yeah,
it ain't the paint.

You have a pinhole leak
in your pipe.

You need to open the wall,
wrap the pipe,

patch the wall,
and then you paint.

Mm. May I?

Indubitably.

Or you just put
enough coats

of that waterproof paint
on there,

and it pushes
that bubble down.

My turn?

Yes, sir.

He's wrong.

You got water
leaking into the wall.

It's gonna bubble the paint
every time,

plus you're gonna have mold
and wood rot.

Well, that makes a lot
more sense than the paint.

Ben, while I'm getting
the rest of her stuff,

why don't you
go over there

and help her pick out
a pretty paint color?

[ Bell jingles ]

You sure he knows
what he's doing?

Uh, I learned colors
in grade school.

I think we'll be okay.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, Dan.

Look at you
in your vest.

Don't push it, Dwight.

What do you need?

Guess I'm not in the place with
the friendly hardware folk.

Just some painters' tape.
Thank you.

Actually,
I came by to tell you

I thought it was B.S.
they tossed you off the site.

But I do get their side.

The way you stood there
when the forklift kept coming

was like that guy in China
standing in front of the tank,

if he was eating a Slim Jim
and looking the other way.

Hey, Dwight.
Ben.

Hey, Dan, we just had a big
shipment dropped off out back.

I'm still dealing with
the paint.

You grab a dolly and bring it in
for me, will you?

Yeah, as soon as I'm done
with Dwight.

I'm sure your little buddy
can wait.

I can't have that stuff
sitting in the alley.

I need you to do it now.

I'm gonna get going.

Don't be too hard on him.

At his age, he's probably
sleeping while you're talking.

[ Laughs ]

What the hell was that?

What?

I asked you to work.

I can't afford to have your
buddies coming by to chat you up

while there's stuff
that needs to be done.

He was a customer.

Hey, I'm not
some high school kid

hanging out
with my friends.

I'm here saving you
because your lucky ass

got handed a business
you know nothing about.

Whoa. Hey, you got some issues
working for me?

I can fix that for you.

You don't have to.

I'm taking sick leave.

'Cause I'm sick
of your face.

I'm out.

Well, fine.

If I see you again,
it's gonna be too soon.

And by that,
I mean tonight at dinner!

And the second attack came

when I was checking out
this fancy spa,

and it just really
freaked me out.

My ex-wife loved spas.

Spent, uh, $120
on a seaweed wrap once.

Last I looked,

you can go to the ocean
and get seaweed for free.

Is that why
she's your ex-wife?

Uh, no, no.

Marriage dynamics
are more complicated than that.

Didn't help, though.

So, um, why do you feel
that something relaxing

like a massage
triggered this reaction?

Maybe because the people
in a spa like that are beautiful

and confident
and they belong there.

Okay,
"They belong there."

Let--
Let's explore that.

Well, it was the same feeling
I got in the video conference.

Like suddenly
they were gonna look at me

and say,
"What are youdoing here?"

And then all of a sudden I felt
dizzy and I couldn't breathe.

Well, do you feel like
you're not worthy

to be in a big meeting
or a fancy spa?

I don't know.

I mean,
I'd love to get a massage,

and I'm happy
I'm in management.

I love doing well.

I-I just bought
some underwear.

Only one
in the package.

They thought enough of you
to promote you,

so maybe you deserve more money
and a fancy massage.

Or to treat yourself

to a $200 facial
or Jimmy Choo sandals.

Those last two
were not you.

Um...

Sorry.

But, uh,
doI deserve it?

I mean,
I'm dressing like I do,

I'm acting like I do,

but what if they realize
they made a mistake?

Do you think they did?

Well, how would I know?

I mean, I thought I was
a writer, and I failed at that.

What if I'm not
a manager either?

I was always a wise-ass
and made fun of everybody

because I felt like
I was superior.

But what if
it's not true?

You know?

I mean, what if
I'm not special at all?

I mean, that'll make
anyone panic, right?

You feel like an imposter
at work,

so you're starting to doubt
your own self-worth.

Yeah, that's it.
I feel like a fraud.

And, I mean, you have to help me
because it's paralyzing me,

and then
I'm scared to death

I'm gonna lose
the last chance I have

at giving my family
a better life.

The Darlene that failed must've
been a pretty great writer

because she's stuck a whole
doomsday scenario in your head

about your future
that you're choosing to believe.

Yeah. I mean, she is scaring
the crap out of me.

She's the one
that wants me

to keep buying big packages
of cheap underwear.

So change the narrative.

You have the pen.

Rewrite the story
to where you're capable

and you succeed
and start believing that.

It may seem silly at first,

but eventually
you'll start believing it.

And the panic attacks
will subside.

Okay.
Uh, I think I can do that.

Unless I panic
while I'm trying.

Oh, my God, what do I do
if I panic while I'm trying?

It takes practice.

And in the meantime, I'm gonna
get you some anti-anxiety meds

for when you feel
an attack coming.

Oh.
I like the sound of that.

I'm gonna write a little story
where Darlene loves these pills.

Oh, oh.

Too cold to deliver food
on a bike.

I hit a patch of black ice,

skidded right past the house
I was looking for,

so I just chucked the soup like
a newspaper and kept on sliding.

That's quite a life
you've carved out for yourself.

Well,
someone's in a mood.

I'm sorry.

Ben and I got into a fight,
and I quit.

He was acting like
he owned the place.

Sure, sure.

Doesn't he own the place?

Look, I was fine quitting

'cause I thought I had
another job to go to.

Then the contractor calls,

saying he heard about
the forklift

and I was too big of a risk
to bring on.

Hey,
you're gonna work.

You're, like, one of
the best drywallers around.

That's the thing.

I can't keep doing drywall.

What? Why not?

It's getting harder
and harder for me.

They don't make ice packs
big enough

to cover what hurts on me
at the end of the day.

Oh, Dan, you're still
a strong, vital guy.

They were right
about the forklift.

I would've fired me, too.

I always thought when I stopped,
I'd do it on my own terms.

Well, let's look
on the bright side.

You got two options.

You can go grovel to Ben
and beg for the job back, or...

Gee.

It sure seemed like there
should've been something else.

Yeah.

You're gonna love me.

I don't see how,
but go on.

I figured out
what's wrong with you.

I looked up
your personality online,

and I wrote down
all your character flaws.

You're totally
a narcissist.

I really don't think you can
diagnose somebody online.

Well, not you,

because you're too complicated
and important, right?

Narcissist.

I just came back
from the psychiatrist,

and he helped me understand
that I don't believe in myself

and I'm uncomfortable
acting like a successful person.

So are you gonna be okay
or what?

The shrink says that my new job
is threatening

who I think I really am,
so I have to figure out

how to keep some of the old me
in the new me.

Maybe instead
of dressing nicer for work,

you should wear
what you normally do

and go as a tiny,
self-loathing lumberjack.

Ah.

Look who's home.

[ Sighs ]

Really, man,
I'm exhausted.

I'm sure you are.

You had a long day of
telling people the wrong thing.

Are we still doing this?

Look. I'm sorry.
It was my bad.

I've been my own boss
for the past 30 years,

and I haven't had to listen
to anybody.

Well, thank you.

And I really do appreciate
you giving me the job.

Are you saying
you'll come back?

Do you want me
to come back?

Do you want to come back?

'Cause, you know,
if you did,

I could probably be
a little less threatened

that the customers
all love you more than me.

They do love me,
don't they?

You know,
if you play your cards right,

you can get me
permanently.

What about
your drywall business?

Yeah, I think
that's behind me.

Wow. Really?

Yeah. It's time.

So you're looking to become
a permanent member

of the Olinsky chain
of hardware store.

Hey, you know,
even without you there today,

I learned something
really important.

Tap the lid on the paint can
closed with a hammer

beforeyou put it intothe violent shake-y machine.

You do learn quick.

[ Laughs ]

Okay, remember,
this is my first time.

I had to mix the color
myself.

Plus I was working with
a lot of gray

and a very...
temperamental client.
[ Chuckles ]

Ooooh, somebody's
turning back the clock

for her young boyfriend
Neville.

No, Neville's a freak.
He likes me old.

No, I'm doing this for
my "Jeopardy!" audition video.

Alright, let's see it.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God!

Huh?

What happened
to the back?

I like it.

I think the green
is unexpected.

What did you do to me,
you little monster?

[ Laughter ]