All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S05E08 - Return to Skyfire.eng.SDH

Hey, Jake, guess who just called me?

The Jerky Boys. They're back!

No. What?

No. No.

DC Parlov. He's in town for Legend Con,

and he has a case for us!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Parlov? Didn't he write

those Skyfire books?

I thought he turned out to be a jerk.

Yeah, but ever since
Jake and I saved his life,

he's actually been very nice.

He even sent me a Christmas gift.

A full-scale replica of
the sword of Opadoma.

-[GROANS]
-DIAZ: Why are you so excited?

You don't care about those stupid books.

I actually did read
all of them in prison.

They are the greatest
books I've ever read,

and I've read Cujo.

Jake and I really bonded over Skyfire.

Yeah. Watch this.

Favorite moment in the series?

BOTH: The summoning of Balacastro.

-Second favorite?
-BOTH: The Scarlet Feast!

-Third favorite?
-BOTH: When you thought Ka'lar

had been swallowed by the Norolith,

but had just switched armor

with Samling the Betrayer
in the battle of Vorcastle.

-[BOTH LAUGH]
-Fourth favorite?

Three was plenty. So was zero.

Okay, I can see that
you're skeptical, Rosa,

but how about this,
come with us on the case!

I know you think it's
dumb, but Skyfire is actually

very smart and dark and adult.

It's not for nerds at all.

Ooh! On our way there,

should we sing the elvish hunting song?

[LAUGHS]

BOTH: Sharpen your
swords And string your bows

The beasts have gone away

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa, look at this place!

Ooh, they're selling moss wine.

I wonder if it's as gross
as the books say it is.

I can never get into any of this crap.

I think the reason is
because it's garbage.

Rosa, I think if you
just gave it a chance,

you would get hooked. I mean,

what is it that you do in
your free time that's so cool?

Fix up old cars and
sell them to celebrities.

That's why I'm friends with Tom Hardy.

Right, so we agree that
we're all equally cool.

Here we go. This is Parlov's panel.

"Diversity in Fantasy Writing."

Ooh, the line starts here.

Real diverse diversity panel.

And, like, people always ask me,

"Where do you get your ideas?"

And honestly, Wikipedia.

PARLOV: I always try to pull from life.

Queen Tiffany, of course, was named after

a lovely hostess that I met

in Bonita Springs in Florida.

You know, I've always
wanted to write a book myself,

but all I know about is
cops, and there are literally

no more cop stories to tell. Zero.

I've actually been writing a novel.

Wait, what? You're writing a book?

When? For who?

For me. For fun.

Look, I'm not trying to be an author.

I don't even know how
to go about doing that.

Parlov! You should show it to Parlov.

He could probably get it published.

No, that's crazy.

Like, I'm sure it's bad.

I don't want to be embarrassed.

Terry, you are a great husband,

father, detective, painter, dancer,

and you're so jacked you
have muscles on your back.

Everyone has back muscles, Jake.

Nuh-huh, my back looks
like the inside of a spoon.

But the point is, you're
great at everything.

You're probably great at writing, too.

I am not showing Parlov my book, okay?

All right.

Here he comes. Now just drop it.

Sorry, I hope that
wasn't too tedious for you.

It was fascinating, especially to Terry.

He's a writer, and he wrote a book.

-Would you read it?
-BOTH: Dude!

Sure. Love to, absolutely.

But listen, there's
something I want you to see.

Come with me, guys, all right?

Jake! What?

Terry, you need to believe in yourself,

like when Morzak answered
the sorceress' riddle!

She turned him into a tree, Jake.

Yeah, a tree that became

the handle of Prominius' axe.

Parlov is so far away already.

Yeah, good call. Let's go after him.

-[KNOCK AT DOOR]
-BOYLE: Hey.

The desk sergeant said we're hosting

a forensic sciences course.

Yes, taught by Dr. Ronald Yee.

He revolutionized the
field of forensic entomology.

He is a rock star.

Oh, please. Rock stars wish they were he.

The man can tell how long a
corpse had been decomposing

just by studying the maggots inside.

I'd like to see Barbra Streisand do that.

I'm not sure Barbra Streisand

counts as a rock star, sir.

She sings in English. That's rock music.

Well, it sounds interesting.
Can I sign up?

Yes, you can,

but here's the thing, if
we do well at this course,

we receive board certification,

which makes us
eligible to receive a grant

to open a field lab in the precinct,

but…

Eh, but whenever we
have a speaker come in,

you kind of tend to always

derail these things
with personal stories.

That's how I learn.
I relate course material

to my experiences.

Subjective learning.

Millennials.

I know it's important, so I promise,

I won't tell any stories,

though sometimes they do come in handy.

One time, all the Boyles were

in this fungus cavern, and
this massive mushroom comes…

Charles. I am so sorry.

I slipped right into it. I'll be good.

This is my room, right over here.

Listen, I need just a moment to clean up.

I had a female visitor in earlier today

dressed as Concubina.

She got smears of green body paint

all over everything.

Everything.

He was talking about his penis.

I know, Jake. He pulls, Rosa.

He pulls. That's all I'm saying.

I can't believe you
told him about my book.

I'm sorry, Terry,

but now DC Parlov is
going to read what you wrote!

How cool is that?

He's pretty cool. Right?

You haven't even told
me what it's about yet.

Well, it's the story of a Gorgon warrior…

Awesome… who betrays his bloodline…

-How could he?
-…to marry a Cloud Princess…

He did it for love. Even though

their families are at war. No!

All right, no more spoilers.

Send it over to me, and I'm
gonna stay up all night reading it.

It's only 150 pages.

I'm gonna stay up all the
next three nights reading it.

Dr. Yee will be here any minute,

and we need to make a good impression.

If you need to cough,

cough now.

[COUGHING OBNOXIOUSLY]

My God, what if I hadn't said anything?

Don't worry, I got this.

Nobody sucks up like a Boyle.

Our scoliosis allows us

to bow more deeply than normal people.

Huh, here's an idea,
Santiago and I will impress him

with the depth of our forensic knowledge,

and you can wow him

with your stoic, silent demeanor.

No stories. Understood?

Stoic. Ah.

Good morning, everyone.

Thank you for having me at the Nine-Nine.

Sorry I'm late.
Just had to deal with some family issues.

Cousins, right?

Okay, before we get technical,

let's talk a bit about
the history of blood.

Does anyone here know any hemophiliacs?

[WHISPERING] So many…

Now, they played a vital role

in the development of modern forensics.

Them and leeches.

My cousin Torvald is a hemophiliac,

and his wife is a leech farmer.

I say "wife," but it's a
common-law marriage.

For the longest time,
Boyle wedding ceremonies

were not recognized in the state.

Well, here's the situation,

somebody stole my laptop,

which contained the
unpublished manuscript

of book 13 of The Skyfire Cycle.

The person left this note.

"We have your book.

"Pay us $500,000 in the next 24 hours

"or we leak it online.

"The first five chapters are now up."

They've been downloaded 85,000 times.

Well, we should probably go online

and read those chapters in
case there's some clues in there,

and also maybe we'll find
out Qwandor's true parentage?

Oh, that's already been revealed.

No, it hasn't. [GASPS]

BOTH: Unless the prophecy
of Dorgon is indeed true!

But that would mean…

You seem pretty calm for somebody

whose book was just stolen.

Because I know who took it.

Landon Lawson.

He was on that panel.

He writes The Shadowbringer Saga.
It's garbage.

So why would Lawson want
to steal your manuscript?

We both have books coming out this fall,

and we have a rather public bet

about whose is going to sell better.

I believe he's leaking
my manuscript online

just to hurt my sales.

You should arrest him.
Well, we're not going to

do anything until we've
seen all the evidence.

If this book fails,

that's the end of Skyfire.

Let's go take this son of a bitch down!

Mr. Lawson? NYPD.

Let me guess, you're here
about the stolen manuscript?

So you admit you did it?
Well, that was easy.

What? No. Someone stole my manuscript,

and I know who it was,

DC Parlov.

BOTH: By Zorton's Sword!

It's the exact same note Parlov got.

I don't see why anybody
would want to steal your book.

The Skyfire Cycle makes
The Shadowbringer Saga

look like The BeastWorm Chronicles.

You see, Rosa, The BeastWorm Chronicles

are one of the more simplistic..
. Don't care.

-Yeah.
-LAWSON: You know what?

My books say something, okay?

I was the only one brave
enough to tackle elf molestation.

Guys, calm down. You're both victims.

Now, do you have any enemies in common?

Let me think about that.
Parlov is my enemy,

but he's also his own enemy,

because he's such a
boring and repetitive writer.

He just keeps killing off characters,

resurrecting them,
and killing 'em off again.

Because of the Chrysalis Orb!

Uh, sorry.

Police officer, on a case.

But we will need you to both generate

actual lists of people
that might want to hurt you.

We have 24 hours to figure this out,

but if we don't, are you
willing to pay the ransom?

PARLOV: I'd do anything
to get my book back.

I mean, you understand. You're a writer.

Do you hear that, Terry?
He called you a writer.

Terry, did you hear? Terry?

Well, Terry's broken.
Write up those lists.

We're on the case.

YEE: Welcome back.

So today, I want to focus
on facial reconstruction.

For over a century, we used plaster casts

to help identify decomposed
John and Jane Does.

We buried my Nana
Boyle at the family farm,

but because of the
soil's high salt content,

she turned into jerky.

Never mind. Please continue.

Now, I need one person per group

to have a plaster cast
made of their head.

Uh, will he or she be able to speak?

Not while the plaster's on, no.

I vote Charles. Charles.

I was gonna vote me, too.

I mean, I know the plaster
can dry out your skin,

but as a Boyle, I'm aggressively moist.

Oop, you gotta close that mouth, Boyle.

[SHUSHING]

Keep still and quiet.

Have you been here all night?

We traded off, and each slept a few hours

right here in the break room,

but we got a lead.

You know Miles Moorgil?

He wrote The Nocturine Quartet novels.

Well, Moorgil is the only person

on both Parlov and Lawson's
lists of potential enemies.

Apparently, they
each slept with his wife.

How do these guys do so well with women?

Oh, I'm sorry they don't live up

to your superficial standards
of male beauty, Rosa.

I'm kidding. It's because they're rich.

JEFFORDS: Moorgil's
here for the conference.

We're gonna go confront
him and get the laptops back.

Then, maybe, we can see
if Parlov read my book yet.

Oh, well, I mean, it's
been less than a day.

Maybe don't get your hopes up.

Don't worry.
I don't have any expectations.

Good. I'm gonna be at my phone,

just in case a publisher calls.
I mean, someone.

Yeah. Whatever.

It's fine. My hopes are up.

[CHUCKLING] All right, buddy.

I couldn't sleep last night,

so I started reading
Terry's book, and it's terrible.

I made him show it to Parlov.
He's gonna be humiliated.

Relax. How bad could it be?

So bad, and I'm
entertained by everything.

I once went to a play.

So what are you gonna do about Parlov?

I don't know. Don't know what?

Uh, how to do sex good.

How much should I be
flapping my arms around?

Not much. Right, well, that settles that.

I knew that Amy was wrong. [CHUCKLES]

Anyways, let's get
back on the case, right?

Skyfire Cycle.

YEE: Okay, now that the plaster's drying,

you'll see why we
lubricated the subject's face

with Vaseline first.

Oh, no, we forgot the lube.

Charles, can you hear us?

Oh, what do we do?

Doctor, uh, what if someone,

no one in this room, mind you,

forgot to lubricate before
applying the plaster?

Oh, one of my lab techs
made that mistake once.

It becomes impossible to remove the mask

without literally
skinning the subject alive.

It takes five days for the plaster

to slough off on its own.

And what became of the lab tech?

Oh, I fired him.

It was an unacceptable
level of incompetence.

Huh, what a satisfying
conclusion to that story.

Boyle! Mmm.

A mistake was made

and we can't remove your mask yet.

We're gonna leave you in here… Hmm.

…until after the class is over,

because if Dr. Yee sees you like this,

we can kiss our certification goodbye.

[MUFFLED PROTEST]

I'm sorry, Boyle, but
Hitchcock and Scully

will be here with you.

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

I don't know, Captain.
He seems pretty upset.

Hold on. Mmm!

Look how happy he is now.

[MUFFLED GROANING]

Yes, you're welcome, Boyle.

MOORGIL: I don't understand.

Why do you think I
would steal those laptops?

Parlov and Lawson are your rivals.

You're jealous of their success.

And of course, you
have a personal motive.

You hate them for
sleeping with your wife.

What? They slept with my wife?

And you didn't know. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Well, this is awkward.
We should probably just go.

-Jessica!
-PERALTA: She's here.

That's wonderful. Yes, sweets?

Did you sleep with DC
Parlov and Landon Lawson?

Uh… Why would you do that?

You've ruined our marriage.
You've ruined it!

You know, this seems like a
conversation for just you two.

So… Oop, here comes a child.

Mommy? Daddy?

Are you getting divorced?

Are they getting divorced?

BOTH: Uh…

Oof.

Okay, that was a rough 70 minutes.

Yeah, but…
That kid looked exactly like Parlov?

100%.

BOTH: Oh…

Anyways, that was our last lead,

so looks like we're
back at the Nil Caverns.

Did you just say "the Nil Caverns"? Hmm?

Like, from my book? Uh, yep.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm,
I did, because you told me about them

when you were explaining the plot.

I didn't, but that's because
I wanted the Nil Caverns

to be a surprise.

Why didn't you tell me
you read my book, Jake?

Uh… Oh, no.

You hated it. What?

Terry, no, I didn't hate it.

I liked tons of parts.

Name one.

Name one part you liked, Jake.

The map? I didn't draw that!

It was a map of the Chesapeake Bay

with the names slightly changed!

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

You made me show Parlov.

You humiliated me in front of my hero!

Sarge, I'm sorry.

Look, I didn't just like the map.

I also liked the spaces
between the words!

That's not helpful.

You guys got a million dollars together

on 24 hours' notice?

Yeah, I had to liquidate my Bitcoins.

Oh, really?

I would've thought you'd
be flushed with cash

from the Skyfire TV series.

Oh, wait, that's right.

The CW passed.

How's the Shadowbringer
film coming along?

Howie Long still playing both twins?

All right. Let's go over the plan.

Okay, there's a potted tree
on the east side of the lobby.

They said to leave the
briefcase behind that.

If someone grabs it, Rosa,
Peralta, and I will converge.

We'll be positioned
around the room in disguise.

It's not gonna work.
I don't own a nerd costume.

Oh, but Rosa, you are
already wearing one.

You naturally dress like
the female bounty hunter

in every steampunk novel.

Look. All you need are welding goggles.

Damn it.

I have welding goggles in the car.

Shall we to battle?

Mask on, mask on Mask, mask on

Got your mask on, mask on

Rep the set, gotta rep the set

To solve that problem, we would use

fluid dynamic analysis.

That is exactly right. Well done.

Where's your friend?

Shouldn't he be here
for the plaster removal?

Something came up, so
he had to remove the mask,

which came off quite easily, and run out.

It was urgent police business.

Bunch of kids are being held hostage,

so he had to go deal with that.

Oh, well, if you need to leave

to provide him with backup…

No, it's a teachable moment.
The children can handle themselves.

SCULLY: Captain Holt?

Your husband's on the phone.

He wants to know how long

you're going to kiss for tonight?

Would you excuse us for one moment?

Your husband didn't really call.

I wasn't sure what gay guys talk about

on the phone. How'd I do?

Scully, what do you want?

We were watching Charles, like you said,

but both of us had to go
to the bathroom really bad.

Ugh. Where's Charles?

-We have no idea.
-BOTH: What?

Terry, do you copy? I copy.

Seriously? You're still mad at me?

All I said was "I copy."

Yeah, but you had a tone. Just admit it.

-Let it go, Jake.
-JEFFORDS: No, he's right.

Terry had a tone.

Terry had a big-time tone.

PERALTA: Don't worry.
I bet he hasn't even read your book yet.

It's been two hours.
I'm almost at the front of this line.

I don't even know who I'm
waiting to take a picture with.

"Bran Stark?" Pass.

Okay, he's just the three-eyed raven.

Here we go, here we go. We got action.

He's dressed just like you, Jake.

Is that someone popular?
Yes, Rosa, it's Ka'lar.

17th of his name, sworn
knight of the Queen's Crown,

the Daybreaker, the rightful heir to…

All right. You can just say "Ka'lar."

Uh, then how will you know
which Ka'lar I'm talking about?

It's a very common name in Skyfire.

It's like their John.

JEFFORDS: He's going for the briefcase.

PERALTA: Okay, let's go.

Don't make your move
until you're close to him.

There's too many civilians.

Wait, why are there so many Ka'lars?

Costume contest just ended.

That's why he waited until
now to pick up the money.

I lost him. Which one is it?

It's the one headed
toward the service elevator.

Hey! Freeze!

NYPD. Let me see your hands.

What's going on?

Doesn't have the briefcase.
I got the wrong Ka'lar.

JEFFORDS: I have eyes on him.
Take him down!

[GRUNTS]

Wrong Ka'lar…

Boyle's not in the interrogation room.

He couldn't have gotten far.
He can't see.

You can go a long way
on muscle memory alone.

One time, I sleepwalked

to the M&M's store in Times Square.

-[LOUD BANGING]
-[BOYLE GRUNTING]

Stairwell.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

I'm okay. It's okay. [SCREAMS]

Sorry, stranger.
I just can't see anything at all,

and it's really scary being touched.

Are you okay? Yes.

Just return me to the 99th precinct.

Boyle, it's us.

Where were you going? Why would you leave

that windowless supply
closet we locked you in?

Ah, yes, hearing it, I understand why.

I was trying to get to the locker room

to steam the mask off in the shower

so you guys could still get certified.

Wait. You were trying to help us?

Even though you'll be stuck
in this mask for five days?

Five days?

Well, I know how important
the course was to you.

It's not.

-Not anymore.
-[SCREAMS]

I'm so sorry.

I just cannot see at all.

I can't believe it!

Now I'm out half a million dollars!

What am I supposed to do now?

Write another Compendium of Beasts?

Do you have any idea how hard it is

to find enough interns
to slap that crap together?

God!

PARLOV: Don't worry about him.

At least we got to stop that thief

from releasing any more chapters.

All we're out is some money,
plus, I've got insurance,

so I'm going to get it all back.

By the way, Detective Jeffords,

while we were waiting,

I had an opportunity
to read your manuscript.

Oh, don't worry about that.

It's a work in progress.

Has a lot of changes I…

No, no, no, it was great. Truly.

Fantastic.
I mean, it was so fresh, you know?

It had a really unique point of view.

I sent it on to my publishers.

Thank you for allowing me to read it.

And I want to thank you all

for your hard, hard work on this case.

Appreciate it.

[BREATHING EXCITEDLY]

Ooh, did you hear that?

He loved it.

DC Parlov loved my writing!

You were wrong!

And being wrong never felt so right.

Oh, that sounded cool.
Did I just make up a hit song?

Being wrong never felt so right

With the Addams
Family staying up all night

Yep, I was right. It's a hit.

I gotta go call Sharon!

All righty. Well, congratulations, Sarge!

And don't forget about us

when you become a famous author.

Terry's writing sucks.
Parlov is lying to him.

What? Why?

I don't know.

He's buttering him up

because Lawson and
Parlov stole their own books!

Well, they stole their own books

It's plain to see But who's on the case?

The Addams Family

Terry is Gomez, I'm Cousin Itt

You are Wednesday, let's do this

Okay, we should go.

Why do you think these
guys are in it together?

They hate each other, they spent an hour

arguing over the name of
the dragon in The Hobbit.

Smog! Smowg!

-[YELLING] Smog!
-[YELLING] Smowg!

It's "Smowg," by the way, point Lawson,

but, yes, they're mortal enemies,

which is why they think
we'll never suspect them

of being in cahoots.

Oh, but they cahooted, Rosa.

They cahooted all over us.

Gross. Why'd they leak their chapters?

To get people excited,

like when Carly Rae Jepsen
puts out an amazing single,

and you have to wait six
weeks for the album to come out.

She's great. I'm not apologizing.

So Parlov contacted
Terry because he knows

Sarge is a super-fan
and can be manipulated.

Yes, he's been giving Terry
presents since last year.

And Terry's novel gave Parlov

another chance to manipulate him.

Unless…

Is it possible Parlov
actually likes Sarge's writing?

Read the first sentence.

Yep, Parlov did it. Very much so.

Gah! Now I have to tell Sarge

that his fantasy novel stinks.

This is the hardest part of being a cop.

Now, there are issues with RFLP testing,

as there are with every technique, but…

Captain, I thought you said

your friend removed his mask and left.

I forgot to lube up his face.

We failed to listen to the instructions.

That is incredibly careless.

I know, and it means we won't receive

our certification, and
I'm okay with that.

Unless my honesty…
No, it's off the table.

And I'm okay with that.

Well, anyway, RFLP testing

was designed to localize
genetic disorders, and it…

Ooh, my cousin, Donna
has a genetic disorder

where her lips were made of cartilage,

meaning her mouth is technically a beak.

I don't see how that
pertains to anything…

No, let him talk. I want to hear it.

Boyle, tell us about your cousin's beak.

Well, she runs marathons

to raise money for other
people afflicted with "bird-face."

There are only two of them.

They're her kids.

Oh, Sarge!

Funny seeing you here.

Oh, that reminds me.

I have to tell you something.
What was it?

Out with it, Peralta.

Okay, fine. Here it goes.

I think that… Parlov hated my book.

He only said he liked it
so I wouldn't figure out

he and Lawson stole
their own manuscripts.

You figured it out.
Well, I had a gut feeling,

so I went digging.

I got a warrant for
Parlov's browser history.

He searched "how to liquidate Bitcoins"

three days before the
laptops were stolen.

Man, I bet that browser
history was a nightmare, huh?

Oh, you have no idea. Yeah.

Anyway, I questioned
them, and they confessed.

I can't go to prison, okay?

I know I seem tough, but I'm not.

I went to Bennington.

Eww.
I'm sorry Parlov didn't like your book.

And I didn't. And also Rosa.

Why did I add that? No, it's okay.

At least I won't waste any
more time trying to be a writer.

Wait, let me ask you a question.

Are you a better cop now
than when you started?

Nope. Wasn't talking to you.

Yeah. I look back at my old cases

and I can't believe how long

it took me to figure things out.

Yeah, but you worked on it,

and you kept working, and now,

12 to 40 years later,

I don't have a good sense of your age,

you're a great cop
who got a "gut feeling"

and solved a huge case.

So you think I should keep writing?

I mean, you might not
become a huge famous author,

but you'll get better,

and if it makes you
happy, it can't be that bad.

Sheryl Crow, she's great.
I won't apologize.

DIAZ: And who knows, Claire Essalgorn

didn't start writing the
first Crimson Portal novel

until she was 60.

I started reading it because
the character looks like me.

I kept reading it because it's so good!

Rosa, you did get hooked, you big nerd!

This heroine is my heroin.

Oh, such a dweebus. I love it!

Speaking of which,
Parlov's laptop is in evidence.

Want to go read the new Skyfire book?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, he's such a bad guy.

Do we even like his books anymore?

[CHUCKLES]

BOTH: Sharpen your swords

And string your bows

The beasts have gone away