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www.tvsubtitles.net
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Good evening, everybody.
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Even our greatest and
most revered institutions
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Are mixtures of good and bad.
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00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:15,048
Those who have had to
rummage through the remnants
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Of the Christmas tin of Quality street
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Will vouch for the truth in that.
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Nothing is without fault.
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Even police officers
are, as we shall see,
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Like the lottery
predictions of Mystic Meg,
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Not completely infallible.
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( theme music playing )
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Three months, Boyle,
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Three months we've had this vile
drug pusher under surveillance.
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I hope you got a good
shot of him this time.
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There you go, sir.
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00:01:05,967 --> 00:01:10,704
Oh yes, oh yes, this is the swine.
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Look at him. A bit
blurred, but I can tell,
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That is a classic disgrace to humanity.
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- Shifty, ugly, inadequate- -
hang on- actually that's you, sir.
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Remember, you walked
in front of the camera
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Just when I had the bloke.
Here he is, I've got him.
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And this is him?
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00:01:30,692 --> 00:01:33,794
- Definitely?
- Oh, definitely.
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Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, this is him.
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I can tell, you see.
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Sixth sense I've got.
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Sometimes seventh.
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Possibly even eighth.
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We know it's him, Boyle.
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We've got any amount of
circumstantial evidence,
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00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:59,086
But we still haven't
caught his red hands
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In an
open-and-shut till.
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Of course, evidence
can be found, can't it?
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00:02:06,094 --> 00:02:09,029
That's what we've been trying
to do for months, Boyle.
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00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:11,397
Yes, sir, but when I say found,
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00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:15,301
I mean "found" in inverted commas.
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Oh I see, "found" in inverted commas.
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Yeah...
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Where's that, then?
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Now, what I wish to discuss today
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Are the new uniforms and equipment
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Which the home office is
considering introducing.
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00:02:33,788 --> 00:02:36,556
There was a time, sir, when
the only weapon a copper needed
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Was character and authority.
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I remember as a young constable,
sir, I faced a man with a huge knife.
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00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,065
And all I had to defend myself
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Was character, character, character.
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And authority, authority, authority.
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00:02:49,871 --> 00:02:52,605
- Yes, well...
- When I was a lad in Trinidad, sir,
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00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,775
If you met a wild dog on the street,
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You never showed fear,
you stared it out.
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00:02:57,444 --> 00:03:01,214
So, I fixed that young thug with a gaze
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00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:03,349
And I walked straight up to him.
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00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:06,052
- "give me the knife, lad," I said.
- And did he?
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00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,088
Oh yes, sir, he did.
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He stuck it in my shoulder.
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00:03:10,825 --> 00:03:15,162
The dogs in Trinidad used
to bite me too, you know.
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00:03:15,163 --> 00:03:17,563
Yes, well... ( clears throat )
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00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:21,902
- Moving swiftly on. - I think we should
have uniforms like L.A.P.D. have.
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Really cool and hard and just
a little bit drop-dead sexy.
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00:03:26,174 --> 00:03:29,276
It is not the function of a
police officer to look sexy.
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00:03:30,912 --> 00:03:35,015
If it were, Sue Lawley
would be chief constable.
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00:03:35,016 --> 00:03:38,285
It is the duty of a
policeman to look, um...
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00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:41,421
- Dull and boring?
- Well exactly, Habib.
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00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:44,024
If you were in distress,
who would you rather attend?
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00:03:44,025 --> 00:03:45,826
An honest looking constable,
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00:03:45,827 --> 00:03:48,094
Or a member of the Chippendales?
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00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:50,897
It depends, sir. There's
an especially bulgy one
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00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,899
Who wears leopardskin knickers.
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A constable in leopardskin knickers?
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00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:58,905
- I never heard of such a thing.
- I used to go out with a D.C.
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00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:02,408
Who had a pair with a cartoon bull
on 'em that said, "horny beast."
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00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:06,346
Quite frankly, he should have been
prosecuted under the trades descriptions act.
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00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,948
Yes, all right, Habib, all right.
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00:04:07,949 --> 00:04:09,515
Dearie, dearie me.
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Young girls today, you'd
make your mothers blush.
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00:04:12,053 --> 00:04:14,855
Now, headquarters
have sent us an example
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00:04:14,856 --> 00:04:16,923
Of the proposed new uniform
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00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,992
And I have asked Goody
to model it for us.
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00:04:18,993 --> 00:04:21,361
So, step forward constable Goody.
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00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,133
Now, constable Goody is wearing
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A pilot-style tunic in
tough serviceable fabric
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00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,605
Gathered at the waist.
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00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:36,409
There is also a utility
belt of attractive cowhide
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00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:39,112
With cross stitching
picked out in beige.
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00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,114
The undershirt is in soft white
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Dralon polyester bri-nylon mix
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Which is both functional and stylish.
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00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:47,888
Goody-
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00:04:47,889 --> 00:04:51,824
What in 12 types of quick-drying
cement are you doing?
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00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,160
I'm doing precisely what
you told me to do, sir.
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I am being the model.
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You are a police officer, not a model
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00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,467
And police officers do not mince,
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00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,970
They stride. Now come on.
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Jaw firm, shoulders back,
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The buttocks clenched and stride.
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00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:12,178
Come on, stride.
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00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:14,915
Are you ill, boy? Are
you ill? I said stride.
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00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:18,885
I am, I am, I'm trying to stride.
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00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,055
If I clench my buttocks any
harder, I'll suck up my y-fronts.
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00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,725
Pull yourself together, you foul youth.
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00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,427
Now, come on, step this way.
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One, two, stride. One, two.
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00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:34,034
I'm sorry, sir. It's this
sticky out bit on the baton,
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00:05:34,035 --> 00:05:36,002
Keeps getting caught between my legs.
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00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,971
If you can tear yourself away
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From teaching your officers
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To walk in a straight line,
Raymond, I'd like a word.
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00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:46,346
All right, Naomi, get back to your desk.
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00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:49,849
Raymond, we are bringing
in Harry the spike.
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00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,586
Harry the spike? Gasforth's
most notorious drug dealer?
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00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:56,456
You mean you finally have
evidence for an arrest?
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Yeah, well... I
mean, when I say-
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Don't you worry about the evidence, sir.
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00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:05,198
C.I.D. will handle that.
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00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:08,201
( siren wails )
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- Will you stop pushing?
- Let's go, go, go!
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00:06:14,909 --> 00:06:16,976
Goody?
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00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,645
You can't wear that uniform on duty.
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00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:22,949
It's unofficial, it's got no
identification numbers, no insignia.
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00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,684
Come on, Fowler!
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This is split-second stuff.
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00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:29,488
A highly-detailed,
meticulously planned operation.
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00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,726
I've done the brain work,
all you lot have got to do
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00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,761
Is knock the door down.
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00:06:35,762 --> 00:06:38,464
- Let's go, go, go, go, go, go.
- All right, follow him.
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00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:43,369
- You'll change it the moment we get back.
- Yes I will, yes.
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00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:46,539
And charge!
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00:06:49,310 --> 00:06:51,177
( glass shatters )
132
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,746
Mrs. Spike, we have a search warrant.
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00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,483
I'm not mrs. Spike, they live next door.
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00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,985
Right!
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00:07:03,357 --> 00:07:05,591
Well this is just getting boring.
136
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,461
I mean couldn't you give
us some sort of a clue?
137
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:11,898
Are we hot or cold?
138
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:13,733
How about behind the cooker, Kevin?
139
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,269
I don't think anyone's looked there.
140
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,439
Oh, no, nothing I'm afraid.
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00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:25,511
Just a carrier bag full of white powder.
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00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:30,083
- ( fast music playing )
- woman: Flex and three and four
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00:07:30,084 --> 00:07:32,118
And smile to the right
and three and four
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00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:35,054
And come on, ladies,
step and smile-
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00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:38,524
Oh, shut your face, you smug cow.
146
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,559
Morning, morning.
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00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,661
Ah, there's nothing like a brisk walk
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00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:45,098
Up to the newsagent's
before one's tea and toast.
149
00:07:45,099 --> 00:07:47,267
Well, I say newsagent's
150
00:07:47,268 --> 00:07:51,004
When of course I mean
local pornographer.
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00:07:51,005 --> 00:07:52,906
I'm surprised the man has any room
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00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:55,641
For any newspapers or
sweets amongst all the copies
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00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:58,811
Of "massive mammaries" and "jumbo jugs"
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00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,314
Which he feels the need to stock.
155
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,516
That used to be a
decent little corner shop
156
00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,551
Which sold string.
157
00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:08,922
Any day now I expect to
find my chocolate frog
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00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:12,158
Replaced by caramel private parts,
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00:08:13,427 --> 00:08:15,861
Or a strawberry-flavored lesbian.
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00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:20,266
You seem rather out of sorts, cabbage.
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00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,635
( sighs ) I'm useless and bloated.
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00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,603
Oh what nonsense.
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00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,505
Why, you're in just the right shape.
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00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,374
It's kind of you to say so, Raymond.
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00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,243
Well, I'm just being practical.
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00:08:30,244 --> 00:08:32,778
The public like to see a bit
of fat on a desk sergeant.
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00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,383
It reassures
them. Ah-
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00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:40,686
Notorious drug dealer
caught by Gasforth police.
169
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:43,389
Inspector Grim...
Constable Goody... Ah-
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00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:46,125
Also present was inspector Fowler.
171
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:50,063
These journalists, they do like to
make a meal of things, don't they?
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00:08:50,064 --> 00:08:53,366
I'd far rather my name had
been left out of it altogether.
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00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:56,269
One serves for honor, not glory.
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00:08:56,270 --> 00:08:59,705
Well in that case, the cat's
poop tray needs relining.
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00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,375
Yes, on second thoughts,
perhaps I'd better keep it
176
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,344
You know, just for reference.
177
00:09:04,345 --> 00:09:07,513
I'll put it in a drawer
somewhere, I expect.
178
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,882
Or perhaps in a frame.
179
00:09:13,487 --> 00:09:17,223
- What a celebration we had afterwards.
- I know, you told me.
180
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:21,327
I got so merry, I could hardly
count the dots on my dominos.
181
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:24,364
Such excitement, and we've
still got the court case to come.
182
00:09:24,365 --> 00:09:27,066
Oh Patricia, aren't you
happy? Aren't you thrilled?
183
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,503
No, Raymond. I'm sorry, but
the way I feel this morning,
184
00:09:30,504 --> 00:09:34,040
I couldn't be happy and
thrilled if I was nibbling prozac
185
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:36,809
From the crests of Tom
Cruise's naked buttocks.
186
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,948
You don't look very happy today, sir.
187
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:46,119
That third half of mackeson you
had last night taking its revenge?
188
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,055
No, no, no. I was most careful.
189
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:52,858
I drank eight pints of
water before retiring.
190
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:56,162
No, it's sergeant dawkins, she's
in one of her grumpies again.
191
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,797
Every four weeks, as
regular as clockwork,
192
00:09:58,798 --> 00:10:01,967
She gets in this-
this sour mood.
193
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:04,370
I just can't work it out.
194
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:07,606
Well, sir, I think you should try
to be a bit more understanding,
195
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,642
'cause it sounds to
me like it's her cycle.
196
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,544
Oh.
197
00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:14,880
Oh, I expect that could be it.
198
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:18,151
I'll ask if she wants
the saddle adjusting.
199
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:21,421
Fowler: You're lying, constable!
200
00:10:21,422 --> 00:10:24,257
The evidence you have
presented to support your case
201
00:10:24,258 --> 00:10:27,393
Is so contemptibly
slight and circumstantial
202
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,395
One is forced to wonder
whether it might be
203
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:31,330
Nothing more that a tissue of lies,
204
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:34,333
A corrupt concoction. Well?
205
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,035
Well?
206
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,471
( bawling )
207
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,041
Goody-
208
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,578
You are supposed to fix me
with a steady, manly stare,
209
00:10:45,579 --> 00:10:48,081
Not snivel like a frenchman
who's caught his baguette
210
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:50,550
In his bicycle spokes.
211
00:10:50,551 --> 00:10:54,587
I can't help it, sir.
You're being so mean.
212
00:10:55,589 --> 00:10:57,523
Look, this is an exercise.
213
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,358
Do you know what an exercise is?
214
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:03,196
It's a sort of runny,
jumpy sort of thing.
215
00:11:03,197 --> 00:11:06,999
Not in this case. In this case
it is a practice, a rehearsal.
216
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,168
We are pretending that
this is a courtroom,
217
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:12,705
- And that I am a defense counsel.
- Perhaps if you had a wig, sir.
218
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:16,142
- Well I haven't got a wig.
- I'll go get the mop from the ladies' loo.
219
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,711
We could use the top of
that. It's short and gray.
220
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:21,680
Look, I am not going to
conduct officer briefings
221
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,983
Dressed in a household utility.
222
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:27,253
I'm sorry, sir. I just thought
it might help Kevin get it.
223
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:29,322
I doubt constable Goody would get it
224
00:11:29,323 --> 00:11:32,758
If it came in a large bag marked "it."
225
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,963
Oh well, I suppose we can
but try. Thank you, Habib.
226
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:40,333
Now then, Goody, let me
explain one more time.
227
00:11:40,334 --> 00:11:42,901
- I think you'd better.
- I'm attempting to prepare you
228
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:46,506
For the extreme and aggressive
tactics used by defense counsels.
229
00:11:46,507 --> 00:11:49,475
I am thinking in particular
of the man that you will face
230
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:51,644
At the trial of Harry the spike,
231
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:55,581
Namely, Algernon Sourgravy, Q.C.
232
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:59,685
The most feared fellow who
ever wore a wig to work.
233
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:03,055
Ancient, crusty, and
reeking of port-fueled fury.
234
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,658
Here you are, sir. I've
pulled all the grubby bits out.
235
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:09,662
You'll look lovely in that. I thought
maybe we could use this plunger as a gavel.
236
00:12:09,663 --> 00:12:12,198
All right, Habib. Nobody
likes a clever-clogs.
237
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:15,868
We are trying to help Goody secure the
most important conviction of his career.
238
00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:17,102
Now, sit down. So...
239
00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,172
Do you think this helps set the scene?
240
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,009
Oh yes, sir, that's much better.
241
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:26,379
Now remind me one more
time, what are we doing?
242
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:28,747
Pretending to be at the
trial of Harry the spike.
243
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,384
- And who am I pretending to be?
- Yourself, you idiot.
244
00:12:31,385 --> 00:12:33,085
You are pretending to be yourself.
245
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,688
How can I pretend to
be myself? I am myself.
246
00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:40,092
If I pretend to be myself who am
I being whilst I'm pretending, hmm?
247
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,094
I might disappear altogether and develop
248
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,630
Severe personality disorders.
249
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:46,566
And then my mother would come down
250
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:49,134
To this station and do her raving nana.
251
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,970
Goody,
252
00:12:51,971 --> 00:12:54,073
I want you, yourself,
253
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:56,075
To pretend to be yourself,
254
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:58,944
But in a different space and time.
255
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:01,980
Oh, I see now.
256
00:13:01,981 --> 00:13:05,251
Like "the x-files," then?
257
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:08,187
In the end, do I turn out to be an
alien twin who's infested my body
258
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,690
- For purposes of conquest
and colonization? - Goody-
259
00:13:10,691 --> 00:13:13,092
Because that can happen, you know.
260
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,195
I mean, we can't be
the only ones, can we?
261
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,031
I feel confident, Goody, that
you, at least, are unique.
262
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:21,066
Oh thank you, sir.
263
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,035
I once encountered a U.F.O., sir.
264
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:26,405
Oh, what a frightening experience.
265
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:30,376
I walked into our kitchen and I
can see my wife across the room,
266
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:34,280
And between us was a hovering,
hurtling, saucer-shaped object
267
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:37,283
Which flew past me and
out of the kitchen window.
268
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,520
But she get me with the cup, though.
269
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:44,590
Yes, meanwhile, back on earth...
270
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,626
We are in the middle of a briefing.
271
00:13:46,627 --> 00:13:49,128
Perhaps it'd be more convincing
if we had a judge, sir.
272
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:50,863
Yes, well we don't have a judge.
273
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:54,634
A glance about the place reveals
no slumbering octogenarian
274
00:13:54,635 --> 00:13:58,036
Who claims never to have
heard of the Beatles.
275
00:13:58,037 --> 00:14:01,974
I could be the judge, sir. If I use
some of this paper from the shredder
276
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,709
I could put it over me
277
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:07,580
And that might make
me look like a bigwig.
278
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:12,084
Actually, that's very good.
279
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:15,187
Well done, gladstone.
You can be the judge.
280
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,757
Yes, sir. Who says members
of the ethnic minorities
281
00:14:17,758 --> 00:14:20,092
Aren't finding their
place in the upper echelons
282
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:22,861
- Of the judiciary?
- Yes, all right, Habib.
283
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:27,065
I could put the tea cozy on my
head and be the prosecution brief.
284
00:14:28,935 --> 00:14:31,103
Yes, oh that's good.
285
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,772
Well done, everybody.
286
00:14:32,773 --> 00:14:35,341
Now the court really is in session.
287
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:38,644
Now then, Goody, you must be prepared
288
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:41,647
For me to accuse you of all
sorts of terrible things.
289
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:44,183
The barristers can be
absolutely ruthless.
290
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:48,120
Are you ready? I put it
to you that you are a liar!
291
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,389
I put it to you that you
and your fellow officers
292
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,458
Have conspired to ruin an innocent man.
293
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:55,962
- Objection, your honor.
- What?
294
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:58,364
This is nothing more
than personal abuse.
295
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:02,001
On what possible evidence
does my learned friend base it?
296
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:07,340
Well, young man?
297
00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:10,977
Well... Look... Look, I
haven't got any evidence.
298
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:14,447
Objection sustained. Mr. Fowler
will withdraw his remarks.
299
00:15:14,448 --> 00:15:17,116
This is easy. You said
this was gonna be difficult.
300
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,018
It isn't, this is a piece of piddle.
301
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:22,188
- No I will not withdraw my remarks.
- Who is the judge here?
302
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:25,591
Look, I am your commanding
officer and I make the rules.
303
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,659
Then there's no point
in playing, is there?
304
00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,996
Look, this is an exercise.
305
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:32,131
This is a role-playing game.
306
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,033
Yeah, which only you're allowed to win.
307
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:36,202
All right, you be the
defense council, go on.
308
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,903
You have a right go at Goody. Go on.
309
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,972
Yes, yes, yes.
310
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,174
Well I don't want to play, sir.
311
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,110
It's a futile exercise anyway.
312
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:47,046
Judges always accept what the
police say, evidence or not.
313
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:50,649
My god, in the '70s the coppers used
to just phone it in from the pub.
314
00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:52,418
Yes, all right, Habib.
315
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,454
You're not on "have I got
news for you now," you know.
316
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:58,024
Goodness how I deplore this modern habit
317
00:15:58,025 --> 00:16:01,027
Of running down our national
institutions willy-nilly.
318
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:04,596
If we are to dismiss things
simply because they are not perfect
319
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,966
We shall soon find ourselves living
in a world with very little in it
320
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,936
Except horlicks.
321
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:14,473
And Gloria Hunniford.
322
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,510
Quite. Now, can we
continue this exercise
323
00:16:17,511 --> 00:16:19,878
Without objections from the prosecution?
324
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:22,014
I'm going to continue haranguing Goody
325
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:24,450
And I don't want you to cry
this time, is that clear?
326
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:27,319
I'll try not to, sir,
but you were so mean...
327
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,589
Not half as mean as Algernon
Sourgravy, I can assure you.
328
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:33,559
Now stop sulking, Habib, and
put your tea cozy back on.
329
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,294
Now then, ready?
330
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,596
I put it to you that you are a liar!
331
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,232
I put it to you that you
and your fellow officers
332
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,368
Have conspired to ruin an innocent man.
333
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,736
You're a disgrace to your uniform,
334
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,440
A disgrace to your
mother, a disgrace-
335
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:50,376
Goody, will you stop crying?
336
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:53,379
Raymond, Harry the spike's
barrister is here to see you.
337
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:56,449
Here? The ogre is amongst us.
338
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,451
Right. No nerves, no fear.
339
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:01,820
I will meet him with cold
contempt and icy disdain.
340
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,090
It's not a him, it's a her.
341
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:07,560
It's the mayoress.
She's a Q.C., you know,
342
00:17:07,561 --> 00:17:09,462
As well as being a stuck-up tart.
343
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:12,498
She is the mayoress, sergeant,
therefore deserving of your respect.
344
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:16,368
Why? Plenty of other dogs
have chains around their necks.
345
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,377
Your worship, this is
indeed an unhoped-of
346
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,179
And unlooked-for honor.
347
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:29,348
Welcome. Thrice welcome.
348
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,850
Thricely welcome and welcome thrice.
349
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:38,524
Oh drat, those cleaners, they
leave their things everywhere.
350
00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:41,393
Anyone would think that
they didn't have a cupboard.
351
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:44,630
I'm afraid mr. Sourgravy
had a heart attack
352
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:47,366
Over his mid-morning bottle of port.
353
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,269
Turns out that Harry the spike's
got a pretty penny put away.
354
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,505
Astonishingly, he can afford me.
355
00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,806
So I've taken the case.
356
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,510
Funny, isn't it?
357
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:59,345
All those years ago at school
358
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:02,414
You were so desperate to
get stuck into my briefs.
359
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:10,956
And now I'm the brief that's
gonna get stuck into you.
360
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,464
( Goody slurps )
361
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,435
Do you ever worry that
you're getting thicker?
362
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,340
- What?
- You know when you suddenly think,
363
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:32,778
"oh my god, I can't remember the
name of superman's girlfriend.
364
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:36,982
I'm going to develop a terrible brain
disease and have to wear an adult nappy."
365
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:40,352
I think everyone worries
about that sometimes.
366
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:43,121
Yes, you're right.
367
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,990
It's just that I could have sworn
368
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:48,561
I had already looked behind that
cooker before I found those drugs.
369
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:57,436
For the final time, Patricia,
I do not fancy the mayoress.
370
00:18:57,437 --> 00:19:01,006
Yes you do. You were going
to be all icy and disdainful
371
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,442
And suddenly you're
dribbling and drooling
372
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:06,378
And tripping up over your
great big fat floppy wet tongue.
373
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:09,014
Sergeant, I will not be
spoken to in this manner.
374
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:12,451
We are both at work, and
I am your superior officer.
375
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:14,553
Besides which I do not fancy her.
376
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,255
I admire her, certainly.
377
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:20,693
She has a fine mind
and superb calf muscles.
378
00:19:20,694 --> 00:19:23,262
- Does that inevitably mean
that I fancy her? - Yes.
379
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:25,897
No it doesn't. But were I to do so,
380
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,666
- Which I don't-
- so you admit it.
381
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,501
I have just said which I don't.
382
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,770
But if I did, which I don't,
383
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:34,840
Then we are at work and
it is no business of yours.
384
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,509
Do you love me when you're at work?
385
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:41,813
- Well of course I do, sergeant.
- If you love me, then you can fancy a barrister.
386
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:44,550
- Well, I can fancy her-
- so you do admit it!
387
00:19:44,551 --> 00:19:48,420
No, I do not admit it. But
if I did, which I don't-
388
00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:51,624
Then you would not be allowed to
object to it until we got home.
389
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,825
Right. I'll wait.
390
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:57,763
But I'll advise you not to take
off your bicycle helmet tonight.
391
00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:00,499
Constable Habib...
392
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,935
You know a bit about all
that muslim stuff, don't you?
393
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:06,705
I suppose so, sir. What
did you have in mind?
394
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,207
I was just wondering
if it would do for me.
395
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:13,144
I mean, I like spicy food,
396
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:16,348
- I'm not a big drinker...
- It's a faith, sir.
397
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,684
- Not an evening out.
- Exactly.
398
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:21,620
Faith. Religion. I'm looking for one.
399
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:24,990
Not for life, you understand,
just for an hour or two.
400
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,860
You want to become a
muslim for an hour or two?
401
00:20:27,861 --> 00:20:31,096
Well I don't really mind what
I become as long as they provide
402
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:33,766
A sympathetic vicar and
you don't have to pay.
403
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:38,303
I've got something on
my conscience, you see.
404
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,773
I want to confess.
See, my lot are no good.
405
00:20:40,774 --> 00:20:43,876
Blimey, the C of E will let
you get away with anything.
406
00:20:43,877 --> 00:20:47,078
Adultery, coveting an ox...
407
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,550
As long as you give
'em a can of sweet corn
408
00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:55,120
For harvest festival, they're happy.
409
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,456
But then the catholics are too strict.
410
00:20:57,457 --> 00:21:00,459
Once you're in the box with
a priest they want the lot.
411
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:05,631
You gotta go right back to the
state of your sheets in 1965.
412
00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:09,367
Perhaps if you told me
what was on your mind, sir?
413
00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:12,070
Sometimes it helps to talk.
414
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:18,076
Well, that drugs bust we carried out...
415
00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:20,045
- You see- - never
mind all that, sir...
416
00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:22,280
Let's go and have a
little drink, shall we, eh?
417
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,282
Keep your courage up
for tomorrow's case.
418
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,984
Don't want to blow it, do we?
419
00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:32,791
Sir, I'm sorry to disturb
you, may I speak with you?
420
00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:34,960
It's very, very important.
421
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:38,063
The thing is, I think C.I.D.
may have done something awful.
422
00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:40,231
One scarcely needs to be Sherlock Holmes
423
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,167
To draw that conclusion, Habib.
424
00:21:42,168 --> 00:21:45,070
Have they been dropping cigarette
ends in the toilets again?
425
00:21:45,071 --> 00:21:47,473
- Worse.
- Is there anything worse?
426
00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:50,776
Well, sir, inspector Grim's
having a crisis of conscience
427
00:21:50,777 --> 00:21:54,379
And Goody said something really
strange to me about yesterday's raid.
428
00:21:55,615 --> 00:21:57,382
Now then, Goody...
429
00:21:57,383 --> 00:21:59,751
Constable Habib informs me
430
00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:03,054
That you may have had a
strange loss of memory.
431
00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:05,123
Well, yes I did, sir.
432
00:22:05,124 --> 00:22:07,392
But it's all right, I remember it now.
433
00:22:07,393 --> 00:22:09,628
- Do you, Goody?
- Yes I do, sir.
434
00:22:09,629 --> 00:22:11,864
It was Lois Lane.
435
00:22:11,865 --> 00:22:14,733
We're not talking about
superman's girlfriend.
436
00:22:14,734 --> 00:22:16,668
- Oh...
- We're talking about how you said
437
00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:19,638
There were no drugs behind the
cooker the first time you looked.
438
00:22:19,639 --> 00:22:21,373
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.
439
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:24,109
But it's all right now, I'm
very, very clear on that.
440
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:26,378
- Are you, Goody?
- Yes I am, sir.
441
00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:29,014
Because Gary Boyle from C.I.D. told me
442
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,717
That the drugs definitely,
definitely were there
443
00:22:31,718 --> 00:22:34,419
And that no matter what
the defense barrister says,
444
00:22:34,420 --> 00:22:36,522
I'm to say that they were there.
445
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:39,591
Yes, Goody. But
supposing I put it to you
446
00:22:39,592 --> 00:22:41,894
That they weren't there?
447
00:22:44,764 --> 00:22:48,166
Oh, oh I see.
448
00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:51,469
- Oh yes, now I understand.
- Good.
449
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:54,205
You're being the barrister
again, aren't you?
450
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,909
Sorry, sir, didn't recognize
you without your mop.
451
00:22:56,910 --> 00:22:59,912
And you can stuff this
up your wig, mate-
452
00:22:59,913 --> 00:23:02,113
The drugs were definitely there
453
00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:04,215
And I'm not gonna cry either!
454
00:23:08,287 --> 00:23:11,156
You think there really is a hell, Boyle?
455
00:23:11,157 --> 00:23:14,325
Sir, the bloke is an evil swine.
456
00:23:14,326 --> 00:23:16,494
We had to get him one way or another.
457
00:23:16,495 --> 00:23:19,565
You're right, Boyle, I know that.
458
00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:21,499
So, Derek...
459
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:24,269
I think that despite the
best efforts of the mayoress,
460
00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:26,538
We'll get a conviction tomorrow,
461
00:23:26,539 --> 00:23:28,807
Thanks to your brilliant work.
462
00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:31,342
Well, thank you, Raymond.
463
00:23:31,343 --> 00:23:33,879
Although, your man found the drugs.
464
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,314
No, no, praise where praise is due.
465
00:23:36,315 --> 00:23:38,283
It was very much your operation.
466
00:23:38,284 --> 00:23:41,620
Harry the spike was a violent
and brutal drug dealer.
467
00:23:41,621 --> 00:23:44,255
The public had to be protected.
468
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:48,594
You were quite right
to plant those drugs.
469
00:23:48,595 --> 00:23:50,428
So you know, do you?
470
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:52,931
Yeah well, you're
right, we had to get him.
471
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:56,334
I didn't like doing it, but it was
the only way to see justice done.
472
00:23:56,335 --> 00:24:00,305
In that case, inspector
Grim, you are under arrest.
473
00:24:00,306 --> 00:24:02,474
I'll deny everything,
you got no evidence,
474
00:24:02,475 --> 00:24:04,676
- Did you hear anything, Boyle?
- Pardon?
475
00:24:09,181 --> 00:24:11,316
( tape rewinds )
476
00:24:11,317 --> 00:24:13,485
And smile to the right,
and three and four...
477
00:24:13,486 --> 00:24:15,921
- Come on, ladies, step and smile...
- You see,
478
00:24:15,922 --> 00:24:17,522
What you've done here is...
479
00:24:17,523 --> 00:24:20,092
- ( tape stops )
- ...You've only pressed the record button.
480
00:24:20,093 --> 00:24:23,028
For some reason you've gotta press
record and play simultaneously.
481
00:24:23,029 --> 00:24:25,030
Never been able to understand why.
482
00:24:25,031 --> 00:24:26,965
Come on, sir, let's have a nice drink
483
00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:28,967
To celebrate the impending banging up
484
00:24:28,968 --> 00:24:32,070
Of a very tasty pull-
on P.C. Goody's evidence.
485
00:24:34,373 --> 00:24:36,708
You'll never get me.
486
00:24:41,514 --> 00:24:44,850
Sir, the mayoress wants to see you.
487
00:24:46,085 --> 00:24:48,586
I don't like to lose, Raymond.
488
00:24:48,587 --> 00:24:51,156
But your evidence has got me beaten.
489
00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:53,158
He claims you've planted it, of course,
490
00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:55,493
But the courts will believe the police.
491
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:57,495
I want a plea bargain.
492
00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:00,465
- I can't give you that, mayoress.
- Give it to me, Raymond!
493
00:25:00,466 --> 00:25:02,534
I want it, I'm desperate for it.
494
00:25:02,535 --> 00:25:04,569
You must give it to me now.
495
00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:07,505
Mayoress, I'm going to do
something deeply immoral
496
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:11,910
But when I'm finished, I think
you'll be more than satisfied.
497
00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:16,848
You're being so mean!
498
00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,984
That's justice, constable.
499
00:25:18,985 --> 00:25:23,054
What were you wearing when
you arrested mr. Spike, Goody?
500
00:25:23,055 --> 00:25:27,159
The new uniform. A pilot-style tunic
501
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,627
Made from tough serviceable fabric
502
00:25:29,628 --> 00:25:33,031
Gathered at the waist.
There is also a utility belt,
503
00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:36,134
Fashioned from the rarest cowhide...
504
00:25:36,135 --> 00:25:38,569
An unofficial uniform.
505
00:25:38,570 --> 00:25:40,972
A uniform without insignia
506
00:25:40,973 --> 00:25:43,708
Or identification numbers.
507
00:25:43,709 --> 00:25:46,111
In short, constable Goody,
508
00:25:46,112 --> 00:25:48,213
You made an arrest wearing
509
00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:50,682
An entirely illegal uniform.
510
00:25:50,683 --> 00:25:53,118
This case is null and void.
511
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:55,821
You're so mean!
512
00:25:57,690 --> 00:26:00,826
You tipped her off about
Goody's uniform, didn't you?
513
00:26:00,827 --> 00:26:02,560
Yes I did, Grim,
514
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:05,263
Because I could think of no
other way of losing the case.
515
00:26:05,264 --> 00:26:08,099
And I will retire to my
allotment before I knowingly
516
00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:10,135
Become a party to police corruption.
517
00:26:10,136 --> 00:26:14,039
You and your flipping
principles. The bloke's an animal.
518
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,075
He should be put away for
the safety of the public.
519
00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:19,377
The public can be in no greater danger
520
00:26:19,378 --> 00:26:22,613
Than when the police consider
themselves above the law.
521
00:26:22,614 --> 00:26:24,549
Better a criminal goes free
522
00:26:24,550 --> 00:26:27,052
Than the police become
criminals themselves.
523
00:26:27,053 --> 00:26:30,788
A violent, disgusting
drug pusher walked free
524
00:26:30,789 --> 00:26:33,892
Because of your Goody-Goody,
525
00:26:33,893 --> 00:26:37,262
Ladi-dadi, namby, hoity
526
00:26:37,263 --> 00:26:39,731
Wishy, pamby, toity,
527
00:26:39,732 --> 00:26:42,533
Washy, dadi-ladi,
know-it-all,
528
00:26:42,534 --> 00:26:45,570
Public school, stiff upper lip,
529
00:26:45,571 --> 00:26:49,507
Stiff upperhouse master, prim and proper
530
00:26:49,508 --> 00:26:51,977
Rule
britannia-
531
00:26:57,483 --> 00:26:59,050
Oh...
532
00:26:59,051 --> 00:27:02,487
- I'm sorry, Raymond.
- I beg your pardon?
533
00:27:02,488 --> 00:27:06,657
There is nothing lower
than a bent copper.
534
00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:13,064
It was just that I
wanted that pull so badly.
535
00:27:13,065 --> 00:27:15,000
I'm glad you stopped it, Raymond.
536
00:27:15,001 --> 00:27:18,870
It weighed on me. I've been
waking up in cold sweats.
537
00:27:18,871 --> 00:27:22,340
I've had to tell Tina my piles are back.
538
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:27,779
Poor old girl, it's been
very bleak for both of us.
539
00:27:29,916 --> 00:27:32,884
You won't tell anybody
about it, will you?
540
00:27:32,885 --> 00:27:34,819
Raymond-
541
00:27:34,820 --> 00:27:37,322
How did the mayoress know
about Goody's uniform?
542
00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:39,157
You tipped her off, didn't you?
543
00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:41,259
You blew the case because you fancy her.
544
00:27:41,260 --> 00:27:43,428
Patricia, you will
withdraw that appalling,
545
00:27:43,429 --> 00:27:45,263
Unfair and unworthy accusation.
546
00:27:45,264 --> 00:27:48,466
Well tell me why you did it then.
547
00:27:50,303 --> 00:27:53,204
I had my reasons for
doing what I did, Patricia.
548
00:27:53,205 --> 00:27:56,808
They are not what you think,
and there's an end to it.
549
00:27:59,045 --> 00:28:01,612
And smile to the left
and three and four...
550
00:28:01,613 --> 00:28:03,714
And smile to the right
and three and four...
551
00:28:03,715 --> 00:28:05,650
...And come on,
ladies, step and smile-
552
00:28:05,651 --> 00:28:07,152
( tape slurs )
553
00:28:07,153 --> 00:28:08,954
Mayoress: Give it to me, Raymond.
554
00:28:08,955 --> 00:28:10,655
I want it, I'm desperate for it.
555
00:28:10,656 --> 00:28:13,024
You must give it to me now.
556
00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:15,961
Raymond: Mayoress, I'm going
to do something deeply immoral,
557
00:28:15,962 --> 00:28:19,697
But when I'm finished, I think
you'll be more than satisfied.
558
00:28:23,402 --> 00:28:25,136
Good evening, darling.
559
00:28:25,137 --> 00:28:27,472
Is there anything wrong?
560
00:28:27,473 --> 00:28:30,408
Take off your bicycle helmet, Raymond.
561
00:28:33,846 --> 00:28:36,381
( theme music playing )
44841
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