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1
00:00:03,697 --> 00:00:06,282
So, that is all for
the pictures of my mom
2
00:00:06,324 --> 00:00:08,410
in Cancun when she abandoned me.
3
00:00:08,451 --> 00:00:11,037
Now let's move on to my mom in
Acapulco, when she abandoned me.
4
00:00:13,331 --> 00:00:16,209
God, I cannot believe how
good your mom looks in a bikini.
5
00:00:16,251 --> 00:00:18,420
I mean, she's approaching,
like, "me" territory.
6
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,798
Isn't the bikini
a marvelous invention?
7
00:00:22,799 --> 00:00:25,176
Imagine the first Aztec
who said,
8
00:00:25,218 --> 00:00:28,096
"I just gotta see some more
belly button," you know?
9
00:00:28,137 --> 00:00:30,849
Yeah, the Mexicans are
such a resourceful people.
10
00:00:32,141 --> 00:00:33,976
Eric, don't be so stupid.
11
00:00:34,018 --> 00:00:36,646
Everyone knows the
French invented the bikini.
12
00:00:36,688 --> 00:00:39,399
The Mexicans just added on
the top 'cause they're Catholic.
13
00:00:41,568 --> 00:00:44,905
Another good example of
religion dividing instead of uniting.
14
00:00:45,572 --> 00:00:46,489
Does anyone want a soda?
15
00:00:46,531 --> 00:00:47,948
- Yeah.
- Please.
16
00:00:47,990 --> 00:00:50,660
And FYI, if God wanted
Mexican women to wear tops,
17
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:52,036
he wouldn't have
created tequila.
18
00:00:55,998 --> 00:00:57,667
Where the hell is
Eric with our sodas?
19
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,127
Eric!
20
00:00:59,168 --> 00:01:02,004
Maybe he ran home.
He's kind of a mama's boy.
21
00:01:03,465 --> 00:01:05,216
Eric? Oh, my God!
22
00:01:05,258 --> 00:01:06,258
I'm busy!
23
00:01:09,011 --> 00:01:10,179
Oh, my God!
24
00:01:11,807 --> 00:01:13,642
Ew. Was he going
to the bathroom?
25
00:01:15,184 --> 00:01:16,352
No!
26
00:01:22,275 --> 00:01:23,984
♪ Hanging out
27
00:01:25,904 --> 00:01:27,988
♪ Down the street
28
00:01:29,616 --> 00:01:31,326
♪ The same old thing
29
00:01:33,244 --> 00:01:34,955
♪ We did last week
30
00:01:36,414 --> 00:01:39,292
♪ Not a thing to do
31
00:01:40,502 --> 00:01:43,087
♪ But talk to you
32
00:01:44,297 --> 00:01:46,048
♪ We're all all right
33
00:01:46,090 --> 00:01:47,676
♪ We're all all right
34
00:01:48,677 --> 00:01:50,971
Hello, Wisconsin!
35
00:01:58,311 --> 00:01:59,688
Okay, okay.
36
00:02:00,647 --> 00:02:02,023
Okay, something happened.
37
00:02:04,275 --> 00:02:09,364
And I think it's safe to say that it
was certainly in the area of horrific.
38
00:02:12,742 --> 00:02:15,036
Like war,
39
00:02:15,077 --> 00:02:16,757
or when my mom sings
Do You Think I'm Sexy?
40
00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:18,039
While she vacuums.
41
00:02:21,543 --> 00:02:23,378
What happened?
42
00:02:23,419 --> 00:02:27,048
Well, we all know that as a
young man in the prime of his life,
43
00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:29,676
I have some needs.
44
00:02:31,302 --> 00:02:32,721
Amen, brother.
45
00:02:35,473 --> 00:02:37,242
Wait a minute. This is
the prime of your life?
46
00:02:37,266 --> 00:02:38,369
You live at home with your mommy
47
00:02:38,393 --> 00:02:39,913
and you have to wear
a nametag at work.
48
00:02:41,604 --> 00:02:42,814
Anyway...
49
00:02:44,607 --> 00:02:46,860
Today, at the house
of the woman that I was
50
00:02:48,110 --> 00:02:49,445
theoretically going to marry,
51
00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,241
I had some needs
that I felt it necessary
52
00:02:53,282 --> 00:02:55,618
to take care of
right then and there.
53
00:02:57,537 --> 00:02:58,621
In her house?
54
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,100
Why don't you just do
it at the bus station
55
00:03:02,124 --> 00:03:04,044
like the other degenerates?
56
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:05,962
It's... I... You know,
I don't know.
57
00:03:06,004 --> 00:03:08,297
There I was,
there the bathroom was.
58
00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:12,301
It was like two trains
passing in the night.
59
00:03:14,679 --> 00:03:15,805
That's beautiful.
60
00:03:18,892 --> 00:03:20,184
You know, it kind of was.
61
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,022
And then Donna walked in.
62
00:03:25,065 --> 00:03:26,608
- Oh, my God!
- She didn't!
63
00:03:28,985 --> 00:03:31,881
I can't believe we're going to visit Kelso
at the Police Academy this weekend.
64
00:03:31,905 --> 00:03:33,089
We're going to miss
the best part,
65
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:34,513
when he makes
the whole thing worse.
66
00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:39,537
How could I make this worse?
67
00:03:39,579 --> 00:03:40,705
I don't know.
68
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:45,126
Man, it seems impossible,
but you always find a way.
69
00:03:47,503 --> 00:03:50,131
You're like The Little Engine
Who Could of screwing yourself.
70
00:03:51,758 --> 00:03:53,217
You know what?
71
00:03:53,259 --> 00:03:55,219
This is Donna's fault
with her, you know,
72
00:03:55,261 --> 00:03:58,389
"No more sex
till we're married" crap.
73
00:03:58,431 --> 00:04:01,142
You guys have no idea how
hard it's been to have no sex at all.
74
00:04:07,148 --> 00:04:09,150
Yeah, it must be horrible.
75
00:04:12,194 --> 00:04:14,697
Seriously,
you guys, what do I do now?
76
00:04:15,991 --> 00:04:17,271
I say you've got
to pull a Nixon.
77
00:04:18,159 --> 00:04:19,452
Deny, deny, deny.
78
00:04:21,162 --> 00:04:23,164
No, you just need a good story.
79
00:04:23,205 --> 00:04:25,966
Whenever I get caught, I just tell
people that I'm checking for ticks.
80
00:04:32,799 --> 00:04:35,760
Fez, how many times
have you been caught?
81
00:04:35,802 --> 00:04:38,680
Oh, come on, I'm not stopping
just because a doorknob turns.
82
00:04:46,813 --> 00:04:48,773
Ooh, man, look at these jokers.
83
00:04:48,815 --> 00:04:51,484
I can't believe this is who
Kelso hangs out with now.
84
00:04:51,526 --> 00:04:52,920
If he doesn't dunk one of
these heads in a toilet bowl,
85
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:54,154
I'm buying him a skirt.
86
00:04:57,198 --> 00:04:58,199
Fellows.
87
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:03,955
It's good to see you boys.
88
00:05:03,997 --> 00:05:06,457
- What the hell is that?
- Oh, the 'stache.
89
00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:08,209
Yeah, it's coming in nice, huh?
90
00:05:09,794 --> 00:05:13,631
That's why they call the fuzz,
"the fuzz". They're covered in fuzz.
91
00:05:15,424 --> 00:05:17,218
Like someone threw paint
on the Mona Lisa.
92
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,304
Oh, please, Michael
Kelso's a masterpiece.
93
00:05:20,346 --> 00:05:21,597
You know it, I know it.
94
00:05:23,016 --> 00:05:24,433
Yeah, about that.
95
00:05:24,475 --> 00:05:27,937
I'm going by "Mike" now.
It's my cop name.
96
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,523
But we call you Kelso.
97
00:05:30,565 --> 00:05:32,805
Yeah, well, I'm going to have
to ask you to call me Mike!
98
00:05:34,694 --> 00:05:37,237
As far as
the 'stache goes, I like it.
99
00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:40,116
Makes me look like
an authority figure.
100
00:05:40,158 --> 00:05:41,743
Makes you look like a porn star.
101
00:05:44,537 --> 00:05:45,537
Either way.
102
00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:49,584
Cadet Mike.
103
00:05:49,625 --> 00:05:52,712
Officer Kennedy, you know
my friends, Hyde and Fez.
104
00:05:52,754 --> 00:05:54,130
Yeah, I remember.
105
00:05:54,172 --> 00:05:56,591
But it seems to me their
names were Trouble and Maker.
106
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:01,261
Trouble and Maker.
That's clever.
107
00:06:03,681 --> 00:06:05,993
I think it's funny. They put us
together and we're troublemakers.
108
00:06:06,017 --> 00:06:07,102
Shut up.
109
00:06:09,854 --> 00:06:11,498
I hope these two delinquents
don't interfere
110
00:06:11,522 --> 00:06:13,000
with the progress
you've been making here, Mike.
111
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,692
No, sir. Not at all, sir.
112
00:06:14,734 --> 00:06:16,069
Well, we'll see.
113
00:06:16,111 --> 00:06:18,988
I'll have my eye on you.
On all of you.
114
00:06:21,741 --> 00:06:23,910
He's a good man.
115
00:06:23,952 --> 00:06:26,037
All right, you're really
starting to creep me out.
116
00:06:26,079 --> 00:06:28,164
Help me grab
the beer out of the car.
117
00:06:28,206 --> 00:06:31,366
I'm going to drink until that mustache
turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
118
00:06:31,876 --> 00:06:33,128
Sorry, no can do.
119
00:06:33,169 --> 00:06:35,630
I got KP in the a.m.
and PT in the p.m.
120
00:06:37,090 --> 00:06:38,800
Well, I don't know
what any of that means,
121
00:06:38,841 --> 00:06:41,177
but I came here to drink beer
and play with guns, damn it.
122
00:06:42,762 --> 00:06:45,681
Sorry, buddy, but we got
lights out at 22 hundskies,
123
00:06:45,723 --> 00:06:48,363
so I'm going to have to ask you to
move along to the barracks ASAP.
124
00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:50,310
Did you just call me a sap?
125
00:06:52,354 --> 00:06:55,483
No, ASAP. As soon as possible.
126
00:06:55,524 --> 00:06:56,776
Well, you're a sap right now!
127
00:07:02,782 --> 00:07:06,077
Okay, the thing is,
I knew Eric did that,
128
00:07:06,119 --> 00:07:09,413
but knowing and seeing
are two very different things.
129
00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:15,461
It's kind of like how I know
there are rats under the house.
130
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:18,506
But you don't want to see the rats
diddling themselves in your bathroom.
131
00:07:19,548 --> 00:07:20,716
Exactly!
132
00:07:20,758 --> 00:07:23,261
But, Donna, you're
missing the whole point here.
133
00:07:23,303 --> 00:07:27,056
Eric's perverted behavior can be a card
you could play for the rest of your life.
134
00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:31,269
Let's just say you want Eric to buy
you a diamond, but he says, "No."
135
00:07:31,311 --> 00:07:34,355
You just say,
"Why, are you busy?"
136
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,236
Five minutes later,
you're Elizabeth Taylor.
137
00:07:40,278 --> 00:07:44,073
Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman
in a relationship not built on blackmail.
138
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:46,034
It's called a lesbian, Donna,
139
00:07:46,075 --> 00:07:48,115
and you're going to have to
go to New York for that.
140
00:07:56,627 --> 00:07:59,588
This afternoon,
a cadet named Terry hit on me,
141
00:07:59,630 --> 00:08:01,630
and it makes me nervous
when men with guns like me.
142
00:08:02,717 --> 00:08:05,594
Fez, Cadet Terry is a woman.
143
00:08:05,636 --> 00:08:08,389
I know because I saw her
putting cover-up on her chin hair.
144
00:08:10,516 --> 00:08:12,977
Well, then,
hello there, Cadet Terry.
145
00:08:16,856 --> 00:08:18,066
I will sit here,
146
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,609
but I will not partake.
147
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:25,823
What you're doing is illegal,
and it could cause my mind
148
00:08:25,865 --> 00:08:28,617
to drift off its main goal,
which is enforcing the law.
149
00:08:30,452 --> 00:08:33,289
Now, I'd like you both
to read some literature.
150
00:08:33,331 --> 00:08:37,960
In particular, let's take a look
at "Be Great and Go Straight."
151
00:08:38,002 --> 00:08:39,587
I think that one
really says it all.
152
00:08:40,713 --> 00:08:43,174
Hey,
do not throw the literature!
153
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:48,971
Kelso, the fact that you're now
totally lame would make me furious
154
00:08:49,013 --> 00:08:50,773
if I had the ability
to feel anger right now,
155
00:08:52,225 --> 00:08:53,559
which I thankfully don't.
156
00:08:56,478 --> 00:09:00,400
I am not lame. I am grown-up.
157
00:09:00,441 --> 00:09:03,986
And when you grow up,
you play by the rules,
158
00:09:04,028 --> 00:09:06,447
which is why I am
getting rid of this.
159
00:09:09,325 --> 00:09:10,685
What is he doing?
What is he doing?
160
00:09:12,328 --> 00:09:14,163
Don't worry, Fez.
He's just screwing around.
161
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:17,458
What?
162
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:20,711
Baggie!
163
00:09:22,255 --> 00:09:24,090
Good lord, he has broken you.
164
00:09:25,466 --> 00:09:27,468
You broke Hyde,
you son of a bitch!
165
00:09:31,431 --> 00:09:35,143
So, do you get what I'm saying?
166
00:09:39,688 --> 00:09:40,898
I think so.
167
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:43,484
He was busy?
168
00:09:45,569 --> 00:09:46,904
In my house!
169
00:09:46,946 --> 00:09:49,531
I raised him better than that.
170
00:09:49,573 --> 00:09:52,868
I know this is weird, but I don't
have anyone else to talk to.
171
00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:55,230
Really, did you call around?
I could give you some numbers.
172
00:09:56,456 --> 00:09:59,208
No, no, no, I'm sorry.
173
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:04,630
Okay, you and Eric need
to be able to talk about this.
174
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:06,966
I'm sure it'll be awkward
at first, but, well, then...
175
00:10:09,093 --> 00:10:11,533
I am afraid it's just going to
be awkward all the way through.
176
00:10:13,097 --> 00:10:15,308
So, do you and Red have
these kinds of conversations?
177
00:10:15,350 --> 00:10:17,935
Oh, no, no, no, no.
178
00:10:17,977 --> 00:10:20,646
No, we don't talk
about stuff like this.
179
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,568
Red can't even be naked
in a room with a mirror.
180
00:10:24,733 --> 00:10:26,652
Right.
181
00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:29,071
Well, I'm sure Eric and I
will be able to talk about this
182
00:10:29,113 --> 00:10:32,033
like we talk about everything,
because that's what you do.
183
00:10:32,074 --> 00:10:34,952
In an open, mature relationship,
you face things head on.
184
00:10:36,204 --> 00:10:37,497
- Oh, God!
- Dirty!
185
00:10:47,589 --> 00:10:49,300
Kelso, let us in.
186
00:10:49,342 --> 00:10:51,719
No, you're going
to hit me again.
187
00:10:53,762 --> 00:10:56,182
I'm warning you,
I got a C plus in Billy club.
188
00:10:57,433 --> 00:10:59,018
Just open the door!
189
00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:00,311
No.
190
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:04,690
Damn, it's unlocked.
191
00:11:06,275 --> 00:11:07,943
I guess I'm going to
have to take you out.
192
00:11:16,785 --> 00:11:18,037
That's a nice move.
193
00:11:19,705 --> 00:11:22,417
Kelso, just relax.
194
00:11:22,458 --> 00:11:25,420
Now listen, we went on a walk.
195
00:11:25,461 --> 00:11:27,981
We realized you're trying to
start a new life for yourself here.
196
00:11:28,714 --> 00:11:29,715
We should be supportive.
197
00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:31,591
Really?
198
00:11:32,427 --> 00:11:33,761
Thank you.
199
00:11:33,802 --> 00:11:35,679
No, thank you, buddy.
200
00:11:37,848 --> 00:11:39,517
We're going to be
great and go straight.
201
00:11:45,814 --> 00:11:48,317
- You ready?
- You bet I am.
202
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:51,611
Let's see you do QT in
the KP with this, you SOB.
203
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:01,830
Morning.
204
00:12:01,872 --> 00:12:03,623
Well, if it isn't Casanova.
205
00:12:06,419 --> 00:12:08,670
The man who seduced himself.
206
00:12:09,964 --> 00:12:11,340
Oh, God.
207
00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:13,384
All right, hold it, hold it.
Come back here.
208
00:12:13,426 --> 00:12:16,762
Red, be nice.
Eric, don't be embarrassed.
209
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:20,640
Now, you know that you can talk
to us about anything, so come on.
210
00:12:21,225 --> 00:12:22,435
Let's rap.
211
00:12:24,312 --> 00:12:25,605
When you were a baby,
212
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:27,525
you had your hands down
your pants all the time.
213
00:12:29,942 --> 00:12:31,819
But that's okay,
because it's natural.
214
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:33,653
Red, tell him it's natural.
215
00:12:33,695 --> 00:12:35,072
What are you, an animal?
216
00:12:37,283 --> 00:12:40,202
But why wouldn't
you lock the door?
217
00:12:40,244 --> 00:12:45,833
How could he lock the door when he's
in there pawing himself like an animal?
218
00:12:45,874 --> 00:12:48,752
You know, some people get addicted
and can't even hold down a job!
219
00:12:50,588 --> 00:12:54,216
If you can't get someone to
do it for you, you do without.
220
00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:59,430
In Korea, I went for
two and a half years.
221
00:12:59,472 --> 00:13:00,722
Dad, you were there for three.
222
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,269
What are you, an animal?
223
00:13:20,242 --> 00:13:21,536
Hey.
224
00:13:21,577 --> 00:13:22,702
Oh, hey.
225
00:13:23,996 --> 00:13:25,289
Hey, why did you knock?
226
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:30,628
You know why I knocked.
227
00:13:30,670 --> 00:13:33,297
Eric, you've been avoiding me
all day. Let's just talk about this.
228
00:13:33,339 --> 00:13:35,966
I... There's nothing
to talk about.
229
00:13:36,008 --> 00:13:38,594
You obviously thought you saw
something that you didn't see.
230
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:43,432
I was checking for ticks.
231
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:48,354
- Eric!
- Fine, okay, fine.
232
00:13:48,396 --> 00:13:50,272
I got caught. I'm embarrassed.
233
00:13:50,314 --> 00:13:53,275
Let's put this behind us.
I love you.
234
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,446
Okay, great.
It's behind us. Absolutely.
235
00:13:58,822 --> 00:14:00,032
I said, "I love you."
236
00:14:02,117 --> 00:14:03,118
Mmm-hmm.
237
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,288
Don't you love me, too?
238
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:10,084
Sure, you know. Whatever.
239
00:14:12,336 --> 00:14:13,629
Can I have a hug?
240
00:14:15,715 --> 00:14:16,756
Fine.
241
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,221
It's just, what got
you going at my house?
242
00:14:22,263 --> 00:14:25,766
I mean, we were just sitting
around, looking at pictures...
243
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,817
Of Jackie's mom!
Jackie's mom got you going?
244
00:14:35,859 --> 00:14:37,778
No! What? No!
245
00:14:40,406 --> 00:14:41,490
Well...
246
00:14:43,825 --> 00:14:45,202
You're an animal!
247
00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:53,642
I can't wait for
these guys to see Kelso.
248
00:14:55,212 --> 00:14:56,255
I think I might be giddy.
249
00:14:57,923 --> 00:15:00,217
I know, I feel like
it's Christmas morning.
250
00:15:00,259 --> 00:15:03,178
Except, instead of toys, we
get to humiliate a close friend.
251
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:06,641
Hey, Pete. Hey, Doug.
252
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:12,979
Hey, boys.
253
00:15:14,231 --> 00:15:15,483
Hi, Mike!
254
00:15:18,110 --> 00:15:21,071
Cadet Mike, I suppose
you think this is funny?
255
00:15:21,113 --> 00:15:22,281
What?
256
00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:24,074
You have made a mockery
of the uniform,
257
00:15:24,116 --> 00:15:26,034
and I want an explanation
right now.
258
00:15:26,076 --> 00:15:27,076
Shut up!
259
00:15:28,412 --> 00:15:29,622
Dismissed!
260
00:15:34,876 --> 00:15:36,086
What did you guys do to me?
261
00:15:37,087 --> 00:15:38,589
Did you shave my head?
262
00:15:38,631 --> 00:15:40,090
Is there something on my back?
263
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:42,926
You know what?
264
00:15:42,968 --> 00:15:45,304
You guys are totally
stuck in high school,
265
00:15:45,346 --> 00:15:47,616
and I'm trying to do something
better and you guys resent it,
266
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,308
so you're trying
to ruin it for me.
267
00:15:49,350 --> 00:15:51,590
Well, you know what? This
stuff isn't even funny anymore.
268
00:15:52,436 --> 00:15:53,979
Oh, that's a good burn!
269
00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:01,987
So that's when I was, like,
"No, I don't want highlights."
270
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:04,239
People pay money
to get their hair my color,
271
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,035
not the other way around.
272
00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:11,622
Why are we feeding you again?
273
00:16:13,123 --> 00:16:14,834
'Cause I'm good company.
274
00:16:18,295 --> 00:16:21,882
Look who tore himself away
from himself long enough to join us.
275
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:27,346
Yeah, usually he's
too busy for lunch.
276
00:16:29,014 --> 00:16:30,641
All right, both of you stop.
277
00:16:30,683 --> 00:16:32,476
Honey, you washed
your hands, right?
278
00:16:36,021 --> 00:16:38,221
Look, Dad, I can't believe
I'm going to say this, but...
279
00:16:39,024 --> 00:16:40,818
Can I talk to you in
private for a moment?
280
00:16:42,528 --> 00:16:43,696
No, I don't think so.
281
00:16:46,114 --> 00:16:47,834
I know the kind of
things you do in private.
282
00:16:50,578 --> 00:16:52,996
- Dad...
- Oh, all right.
283
00:16:53,038 --> 00:16:54,832
Just keep your hands
where I can see them.
284
00:16:57,418 --> 00:16:58,794
This really isn't getting old.
285
00:17:02,964 --> 00:17:06,677
Okay. So, you know how
I do things that are horrible,
286
00:17:06,719 --> 00:17:08,519
and it seems like
I can't make them any worse,
287
00:17:10,389 --> 00:17:11,557
and then I do?
288
00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:14,810
Sadly, yes.
289
00:17:16,103 --> 00:17:18,021
Well, I did it again.
290
00:17:18,397 --> 00:17:19,690
Again?
291
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,151
How many bathrooms
does that house have?
292
00:17:23,193 --> 00:17:24,278
No!
293
00:17:25,237 --> 00:17:28,699
Not... Not that.
294
00:17:30,242 --> 00:17:34,622
Donna wanted to talk
about the horrible thing.
295
00:17:34,663 --> 00:17:36,290
Oh.
296
00:17:36,331 --> 00:17:39,126
They always want
to talk about it.
297
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:42,212
Yeah, well, we talked about it.
298
00:17:42,254 --> 00:17:45,716
And in the course of talking
about it, information was revealed
299
00:17:45,758 --> 00:17:48,803
that made it much, much worse.
300
00:17:50,805 --> 00:17:55,016
And that is why you never,
ever talk about it.
301
00:17:55,058 --> 00:17:57,978
Have you ever noticed how
often I just grunt at your mother?
302
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,983
I know how to talk.
I'm not an ape.
303
00:18:04,192 --> 00:18:05,319
Right.
304
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:07,279
I just choose not to.
305
00:18:09,072 --> 00:18:10,240
Right.
306
00:18:10,282 --> 00:18:12,033
Well, it's too late
for that now,
307
00:18:12,075 --> 00:18:13,994
since you screwed up
and talked about it.
308
00:18:15,788 --> 00:18:18,039
There's only one thing to do.
309
00:18:18,081 --> 00:18:20,709
Go on the offensive.
Counter attack.
310
00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:22,753
What? That's suicide, man.
311
00:18:23,921 --> 00:18:26,173
They'll never expect it.
It throws them off.
312
00:18:26,214 --> 00:18:30,093
You know, one time in Korea, we
had this little guy outnumbered 20-to-1.
313
00:18:30,135 --> 00:18:33,054
But then he ran at us,
screaming his head off.
314
00:18:33,096 --> 00:18:34,556
And we were so taken off guard,
315
00:18:34,598 --> 00:18:37,017
that we dove right
into our foxholes.
316
00:18:38,644 --> 00:18:40,312
- And he got away?
- No, no.
317
00:18:42,397 --> 00:18:44,399
No, I mean we were startled
for a few seconds,
318
00:18:44,441 --> 00:18:46,361
but then the whole company
just opened up on him.
319
00:18:50,531 --> 00:18:52,449
Listen up, Donna.
I've got something to say.
320
00:18:52,491 --> 00:18:54,618
Okay, but be careful.
321
00:18:54,660 --> 00:18:56,036
Jackie's mom was here earlier.
322
00:18:57,663 --> 00:18:59,390
I don't want you to catch
a whiff of her perfume
323
00:18:59,414 --> 00:19:01,500
and have to sexually assault
yourself in the hallway.
324
00:19:02,751 --> 00:19:05,796
No, no, no, no.
I talk, you listen.
325
00:19:05,838 --> 00:19:08,966
Okay, this is all your fault.
326
00:19:09,008 --> 00:19:12,011
Yeah, do you have any idea what
your celibacy thing is doing to me?
327
00:19:12,052 --> 00:19:15,681
My needs have risen
to near Fezian levels.
328
00:19:17,558 --> 00:19:21,979
He is a sick bastard, Donna,
and now, thanks to you, so am I!
329
00:19:22,021 --> 00:19:24,064
Yeah, that's right, Donna!
You created a monster.
330
00:19:24,105 --> 00:19:25,232
I can't leave myself alone!
331
00:19:27,442 --> 00:19:30,070
You know what?
You're right. I'm sorry.
332
00:19:30,529 --> 00:19:31,655
You are?
333
00:19:32,406 --> 00:19:33,448
I mean...
334
00:19:34,282 --> 00:19:35,701
Yeah, damn right you are.
335
00:19:37,118 --> 00:19:39,079
No, this has been really hard.
336
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:42,249
And this celibacy
thing was my idea, so...
337
00:19:42,290 --> 00:19:46,127
I need to accept some responsibility
for the odd and disgusting things you do.
338
00:19:47,963 --> 00:19:49,924
That's right, you do.
339
00:19:49,965 --> 00:19:53,218
But, you know, next time,
be like a normal person.
340
00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:56,346
Go to your room, lock the
door, light some candles,
341
00:19:56,388 --> 00:19:58,640
put on some Al Green
and make an evening of it.
342
00:20:01,226 --> 00:20:04,104
Wow, Donna,
that was really detailed.
343
00:20:04,897 --> 00:20:06,106
It's almost like...
344
00:20:12,237 --> 00:20:13,447
Oh, my God!
345
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:17,785
You do it, too!
346
00:20:19,578 --> 00:20:23,040
What? No, no!
347
00:20:23,082 --> 00:20:25,125
I'd noticed the candles
getting lower,
348
00:20:25,166 --> 00:20:26,752
even though I'd never
seen them lit!
349
00:20:28,712 --> 00:20:30,965
All right,
this conversation is over!
350
00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:36,260
Wow.
351
00:20:39,473 --> 00:20:41,141
So, this is where
it all happens.
352
00:20:51,735 --> 00:20:53,194
So they make an evening of it?
353
00:20:54,154 --> 00:20:57,074
Yeah, candles, music...
354
00:20:57,116 --> 00:20:58,659
God, girls do everything better.
355
00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:02,955
You don't suppose Jackie...
356
00:21:02,997 --> 00:21:05,833
Nah, she wouldn't even go
to a self-serve gas station.
357
00:21:05,874 --> 00:21:08,794
What would happen if I walked
in during one of their evenings?
358
00:21:08,836 --> 00:21:13,423
Are they like us where, even though
we're alone, we welcome a visitor?
359
00:21:13,465 --> 00:21:15,401
Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like
they'd rather do it themselves,
360
00:21:15,425 --> 00:21:17,218
when they could have
a man do it, right?
361
00:21:17,260 --> 00:21:18,303
- Right.
- Yeah.
27174
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