All language subtitles for Family Guy s22e09 The Return of The King.eng

? it seems today
that all you see ?

? is violence in movies
and sex on tv ?

? but where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? on which we used to rely? ?

? lucky there's a family guy ?

? lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?

? all the things that make us ?

? laugh and cry ?

? he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ?

There you are, peter.

Help me hang the stockings.

Not now, lois. It's time
for my favorite holiday movie,

Frosty the snowman,

Where a hero takes a little girl
into the woods

And then brags that he
can disappear whenever he wants.

Huh. I can't see the tv.

I must be dreaming.

Which means nothing's real!

-[grunting]
-[gasps, groaning]

No, peter, stop!
You're not dreaming!

Yeah, and why was that
your first move?

The tv's gone.
We're cutting the cord.

We need money for
christmas gifts, so I sold it.

What?! This rageful anger
calls for alcohol!

[gulping]

Where's brian?

Peter, stop it.

What am I supposed to do
without a tv?

Hang out at the gap?

Could you please point me
to your blandest shirt?

One that I'm guaranteed
to see four other guys wearing

Before I even get to my car.

Sure, it's right over there.

Just be careful
while you're browsing

That you don't lose track
of which white guy is you.

Oh, that looks good on me.

[announcer]
the gap, the only clothing store

Named for a taint.

Located between vera wang

And the rocky mountain
chocolate factory.

Look, I know
this seems like a big change,

But we don't need
a television anymore.

Yeah, dad.
A single tv console is outdated.

Everyone just streams now
on their individual devices.

Who is this person who speaks
to me as if I needed his advice?

Dad, I'm just trying to bring
you into the modern era.

I see.

[screaming]

-[splat]
-[man] quiet up there!

Sorry! Just demonstrating
I'm still relevant

By making
a very old movie reference!

Peter, meg was right.

We don't need a tv
in the golden age of streaming.

"golden age of streaming"?

Look, my streams are sporadic
at best.

And last week, there was blood.

Can we have one holiday where
we don't discuss dad's rod?

Besides, all my shows
are on network television.

How the hell am I supposed
to watch chicago fire

-Without a tv?
-Who cares?

It's a lazy, formulaic show.

And it's not even filmed
in chicago.

Yeah, right.
Tell that to the boys

Putting out a blaze this week

In the famed chicago hills.

It almost burned down
the chicagowood sign!

Peter, stop it.

God, you're going in circles,

Like a desert vulture.

Hey, maybe we shouldn't
always fly in a circle.

Sure. And maybe I can also have
rough sex with your mother.

Whoa! Come on.

Well, that's how I feel
about your idea.

[announcer] we now return
to frosty the snowman.

There was indeed some magic
in that old silk hat,

Along with duct tape, zip ties

And some very troubling
polaroids.

See? This is the kind
of wholesome stuff

I'll miss without a tv.

Lois is right, peter.
Network television stinks.

Streaming is
way more entertaining.

Yeah? Name one good show
on "streaming."

Mare of easttown!

-Fargo!
-True detective.

-American rust!
-Broadchurch.

That isn't about a person
attempting to navigate life

In a small town
in the aftermath of a murder.

Look, come on, just-just give
streaming a chance.

Don't you want
to watch something where,

If you miss even a second,
you're hopelessly confused?

Yeah! Or a great premise,

Which puts a lot of balls
in the air,

Followed by
a horribly disappointing ending

That drops all of them?

And on hbo max,

Sometimes after the credits,

You can watch
the actors talk about the show.

Yeah, I don't just want to see
connie britton do a good job.

I want to see
connie britton talking

About the good job she just did.

You know
what I'm not hearing, guys?

Cedric the entertainer
telling a white guy

That he doesn't walk
the right way.

Hmm. I may have to side
with peter now.

And you also haven't told me

About a single show
with sheldon.

For every program,
I want to know,

Is there a sheldon

And at what stage of life is he?

He is the perfect dumb guy's
version of a smart guy.

And I demand him
on my television!

All right. I think I see
how to untangle this knot.

Last tango in halifax.

-What?
-You've never heard of tango?

Well, anne reid and derek jacobi
play celia and alan,

A couple reunited in their 70s
after 60 years apart.

Sarah lancashire plays
celia's formidable daughter,

Caroline. And n-

-[screams]
-[splat]

Look, guys, I j- I don't like
gritty, convoluted television.

I like the simple,
comforting joy of network tv.

Peter, the point of tv
isn't joy anymore.

It's to destroy you emotionally.

Who the hell wants
to watch something happy

When you can watch
koreans fight to the death?

Well, I disagree. And I'm not
letting lois get away with this.

'cause I miss my shows.

Like the comedy of black-ish

Or those classic
new york conversations

At the beginning of law & order.

Hey, you see that aaron judge
baseball hit last night?

Sure did. Right here
in one of our five boroughs.

Oh, no!

I bet you a slice
of new york pizza pie he's dead!

I can't believe you buy
milk and bras at the same place.

God, we're trash.

What? Where's the fridge?

I sold it. You get rid
of the things I love,

I get rid
of the things you love.

I also sold that tiny jewish hat
you keep in the bathroom.

That was my diaphragm.

Ah. Well, mort's gonna have
a rough day at temple.

Look, just give streaming
a shot.

After all, it can't be any worse

Than when we went
to the florida panhandle.

Mmm. Ah, this shrimp
is delicious. [chuckles]

[gasps, choking]

Oh, god, my wife's choking!

Is there a doctor in the house?!

College graduate?

High school graduate?

Some high school
with vocational degree?

Whoever gets the shrimp out
of her windpipe can have it!

[screaming, shouting]

Well, I guess it's time
to try this streaming thing.

Hey, what's
our netflix password?

Uh, I don't know.
I use quagmire's.

Squirrel hunter?

The truth about kicking
your leg during sleep?

Only the otis scenes
of milo and otis?

And thirsty romanian coeds.
All right!

We do have some overlap.

Okay, I guess
I'll click "forgot password."

Now it's asking me to pick
all the stoplights in a picture.

Huh. A stoplight
in front of a movie theater

With a marquee
reading spotlight.

This might be a trick.

All right, "what is
the first concert you attended?"

"smash mouth, the time
they got bread thrown at them."

"favorite pet?"

Wait, you're not gonna write
"bartholomew," are you?

No, no, no.
I would never do that.

? bartholomew, bartholomew ?

? I'm dancing with
my favorite dog, bartholomew! ?

[knocking]

Kevin james?!

Hi, peter. You were
my last viewer. [chuckles]

And now that you've gotten rid
of network tv,

I'm out of a job.

Well, you're a sitcom dad,

So if the couch accepts you,
you can come in.

[screams]

[giggles]
road couch.

Wow! Kevin james!

I can't believe you're here!

Hey, guys, we got company!

No nude wandering!

Well, so much
for full frontal fridays.

Wait, triple "f" is a no-go?

Look, I'm here
because now that I don't have

Any viewers or a job,

I need you to take care of me.

What, is that some kind of rule?

Of course it is, lois.

In network tv, if someone
shows up at your door,

You have to take care of 'em.

It's the pilot of most shows.

Oh, really? Name 50.

New girl, two and a half men,

Punky brewster,
perfect strangers,

Frasier, will & grace,

Friends, joey, home economics,

Mom, dads, cheers,

Hope & faith, raising hope,

Full house, fuller house,

-King of queens-
-that's good.

-I-I think we get it.
-Oh, no, no.

No, this is
a "name all 50" kind of show.

Too close for comfort,
mork & mindy,

The nanny, mr. Belvedere,

The united states of al,
yes, dear,

Down and out in beverly hills,
the tv series,

Rhoda, golden girls,

Alf, meego, empty nest,

Wings, my two dads,

Evening shade,
I dream of jeannie,

Off centre, webster,

The bernie mac show,
the return of jezebel james,

Aliens in america,
last man on earth,

Union square, bram & alice,

The grinder, bleep my dad says,

The fresh prince of bel-air,

Damon, happy endings,

Big brother jake,
three's company,

Mama's family
and who's the boss?

Oh, yeah? Name 50 more.

[sighs heavily]

Silver spoons, the odd couple,

The new odd couple...

-Diff'rent strokes and-
-[creaking]

Oh, my god! She hung herself!

Nah, nah, that's from airplane.

We do that kind of stuff, too.

You can stay.

Family, meet kevin.

Wow!

I guess black dress shirts
aren't just for magicians.

[quietly] peter, you can't
just invite him to stay here.

Come on, lois.
When you got rid of the tv,

Did you really think
it wouldn't end

With me bunking
with kevin james?

So, kevin,
what's mandy patinkin like?

Uh, I don't know. Never met him.

I thought you said
this guy was a [bleep] star.

Hey, brian, when are you going
to try to impress

Our hollywood guest
with your writerly chops?

Uh, your mouth's moving!
You're already rehearsing it.

So, kevin, the hollywood game
can be pretty tough, huh?

Do you have
hollywood experience?

[chuckling]
well, actually-

He sure does!
We went out there once,

And on day one,
brian bit a culkin.

Tried to pet him
without showing his hand first

And, boom, fingers gone.

I need to see the hand!

It's how I know
he's not an aggressor.

Kevin, I don't understand.

How can you be out of work?

You're not just
a television actor-

You're a movie star!

Movie star?
[chuckles] come on.

I mean, I guess
paul blart did make 200 million

On a shoestring budget,

I was the single most bankable
comedy actor

Of the last two decades

And the audience score on
grown ups was very respectable.

Eh, the last one doesn't seem to
measure up with the first two.

But everything I had was because
people knew me from network tv.

And now that's over.

So, peter, what are we gonna do
after dinner?

Get a large bowl of popcorn

And watch the big game
in our sports uniforms?

Yeah, kevin, uh, I think

You've only watched
sporting events on tv shows.

Nobody calls it "the big game"

Or makes
a large bowl of popcorn.

But then what's gonna fly
all over the place

-When we get excited?
-[giggles]

Okay. A-all right, all right,
that's fair.

All right, look,
kevin can stay for dinner,

But then he has to leave.

But he doesn't have
anywhere else to go!

And this whole thing
is our fault.

Come on, look at him-
he's got no idea

What life outside of sitcoms
is like.

I tell you what- I'll show him
how to be a real real guy

And not just a sitcom real guy,

And then he'll be on his way.

[sighs]
fine.

I guess I can't kick someone out
on christmas.

But where's he gonna sleep?

Don't worry.
I got that all figured out.

You won't even notice
he's there.

-[snoring]
-[canned laughter]

In network tv,
what someone says won't happen,

That's what's gonna happen.

[canned laughter]

Hey, where's kevin?
I thought we were gonna show him

How regular guys drink.

We are, but he's still
adjusting,

And he won't enter a room
until his warm-up guy

Works the crowd.

-So, where you folks from?
-Quahog.

[chuckles] oh, quahog.

I'll talk a little slower.

-Aw, he got me.
-I'm just kidding.

And, hey, thank you
for your service.

Oh, I was never in the military.

I was talking to the booth
holding you up.

Oh, damn it, he got me again!
This guy's too quick.

All right, everyone, kevin's
gonna be out in a moment,

So remember,
he feeds off your energy.

So the better you are,
the better kevin's gonna be.

Hi, guys.
Great to see you tonight.

Wait, he couldn't just
think of that?

And doesn't peter griffin
look handsome?

I took the cue cards.

I grabbed him
from behind too hard,

And now he's not moving.

Hey, kevin, was that lady
always pressuring you

To join scientology?

No. I'm a devout catholic,
and that's even weirder.

Did you know that when
unbaptized babies die,

They go into limbo
until the pope said

That wasn't a thing anymore?

Yeah, my grandpa went to hell
for eating meat on fridays.

Worth it.

Well, kevin,
it's time to teach you

How real blue-collar guys
pay real bills in real life.

See this? It's a mortgage bill.

And this is how it gets paid.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's peter.

-Please pay my mortgage.
-[carter] damn it, griffin!

I'm crying, mr. Pewterschmidt,
I'm crying.

I know you're crying.
Act like a man.

I can't. I'm not a man.
And if you don't pay it,

I'm gonna hurt myself
and your grandchildren.

-Stop threatening me.
-It's not a threat if I do it.

It's not a threat if I do it.

-Okay, okay, I'll pay it.
-Thank you.

All right, now to show you
how to pay a utility bill.

[phone ringing]

-Hello?
-Kevin, it's peter.

I really messed up, man.

Good news.
I got my first real job

As an actual ups guy.

They said I was
the last non-robot

They're ever gonna hire.

That's great, buddy.

You narrowly escaped
becoming a realtor.

Hi. Are you the realtor
for this property?

I am. I blew out my shoulder

Playing minor league baseball,
so now I do this.

[announcer]
realtors: Never anyone's plan a.

And I also started
dating a woman

Who looks like she actually
belongs with me.

She has the most negative
dating app page I've ever seen.

"wants to know where
all the good men are.

Integrity only.
I will not cosign a loan,"

With the "not" underlined.

And a picture of her dog
that says, "the only man

Who's never lied to me."
oh, this is great.

Yeah, I think I'm a real
real guy now, peter.

You sure are. You see, kev,

Nothing's gonna stop you
in the real world

Except for your own
cardiovascular system.

Hey, I'm only heavy 'cause
adam sandler made me

Gain 60 pounds
to be in his movies.

I was ethel to his lucy.

Anyway, I owe you, peter.
Put it there.

Aah! What happened to your hand?

I-I don't know.
It-it's disappearing.

Were you also bit by brian?

[laughs] that's the culkin.

Let me guess,
one of you chuckleheads

Has a nutcracker inside you.

-What? No.
-Hi.

We're nonjudgmental interns
just here to observe.

False alarm. Not what I thought.

[interns] aww.

Whenever interns observe,

It's because we think
you put something in there.

Listen, doctor, I need you
to help my friend kevin.

Oh, my god, kevin james!

You know, you owe
your career to me.

I'm the doctor who couldn't
save john candy.

Doctor, my hand,
it's disappearing,

And I don't know what to do.

Kevin, your arm.
It's getting worse.

Hmm. I think I see
what's going on here.

Kevin is fading away

Because streaming has
made him irrelevant.

Is there anything
we can do for him?

Yes. Sitcom stars like kevin
clearly need the laughs

Of a studio audience,
or he may disappear forever.

His hair was disappearing, too,

But I assume he took care
of that another way.

Is there someone I can talk to?

Ah, there's our guy. Interns!

Guys, we gotta get kevin
back on tv.

So ideas. Go.

Kevin plays a large robot,

And it's called big wonder.

[laughs] not bad, not bad.
Okay, what else?

A show in which kevin moves in
with a woman named betsy,

And it's called kevins to betsy.

Or he's the seventh
in a long line of kevins,

For seventh kevin.

Yeah, they don't all
have to be puns

Built around the name kevin.

Guys, I think we were all
laughing at big wonder.

We're not doing big wonder.

Why? Because you didn't
think of it?

Chris, the brainstorming process
is admittedly messy,

But let's try to stay away
from personal attacks.

I have an idea. I'm a stepdad
with six daughters,

And it's called daddy's girls.

I don't know.
Not sure I see the hook.

And I trick them into
washing my car in their bikinis

While I hide in the backseat.

Okay, now I love it.

It's not just funny, it's smart.

You know, I'm on godaddy,

And the domain name "big wonder"
is available.

-Chris, stop pushing this.
-Oh, really?

'cause if kevin pitched it,
you'd put your mouth on him.

All right, that's it.
You're grounded for life.

Which was also a fat dad sitcom.

[laughs]
okay, all right, we've made up.

I've got an idea.
Kevin is a baker,

And he adopts 12 children.

The title writes itself.

Yeah, and the tagline is
"he's got muffin to lose."

Okay, wow, all right,
this is too good for kevin.

We have to write this now.

You know why he's a baker?
Because he kneads the dough.

[laughs] I love this poster.
I mean show.

Peter, my arm is
almost gone now.

Oh, god, what are we gonna do?

Okay, come on, everyone.

It's time to go to city hall
for the tree lighting.

And meg's in the nativity play
as the virgin mary.

Wait a minute.
The nativity play.

Kevin, I got an idea,
and it's my best idea

Since I put hockey ice
in the kitchen.

-[timer dings]
-yay, waffles.

Mine. Hockey house.

Everyone, change of plans.

This year we're gonna do a twist

On the usual story
of the king of kings,

With the "king of queens,"
kevin james.

Peter, this isn't gonna work.

Sure it will. The doctor said

You need live audience laughter.

The conceit is he's
a single dad with a baby.

[laughs] the conception
may be immaculate,

But the diaper sure isn't.

-[booing]
-get off the stage.

Network tv is stupid.

Why does jerry stiller have
such a big chest?

Peter, my leg.

Come on, guys,
network tv isn't stupid.

It-it's... It's like the bible.

Sure, the plot doesn't
make sense

If you think about it.

The characters are a little
over the top.

Both tell the same tired stories
again and again.

No one ever seems
to learn their lesson.

And neither ever offers

An authentic female
point of view.

Oh, if I can add to that-

Not now, lois, I'm talking.

But the point is, network tv...
It makes you feel good.

And when the rest of life
is so exhausting and hard,

Isn't that all that's important?

Peter, my other leg!

[soft laughter]

Yes. Kevin, keep going.

That went well.

[laughter]

Well, there's the star
of bethlehem,

Which is one more star than
I'm giving this inn on yelp.

[loud laughter]

Oh, that's so funny.

I use yelp.

Do you think ben stiller's chest

Will pop out like his dad's?

I just want to know
what to expect.

See, isn't this fun?

Everyone laughing together
at the same simple thing,

Instead of all of us
on our individual devices

Watching depressing,
complicated bull crap?

We need kevin james,
and we need network tv.

? joy to the world ?

? the lord is come ?

? let earth receive
her king... ?

Peter, my limbs.
They're coming back.

And that's not all. Look!

It's old sitcom stars.

They're coming out
of the cornfield.

It's jenna elfman.

Tony danza.

And, uh...

Traylor howard,
from two guys and a girl.

Yeah, you're not a star.

You shouldn't be
in the cornfield.

But I was also in
the later seasons of monk.

I see.

-[screaming]
-[splat]

Now your list of credits
includes castle.

Hi, I'm les moonves chen.

And I'm hiding behind
my wife's name now.

Kevin, I'm looking for
my own television comeback,

And enough power that I can
sexually harass doctors again.

-And I'm anyone else.
-I'll go with you.

And to think I was
about to kiss you.

Kevin, let's go make a sitcom.

I can't believe it.

I'm gonna be on tv again.

I'm going back to hollywood.

[all gasp]

[gasps]
he's a christmas miracle.

Can I please have
my tv back now?

Yes, peter, you can.

Yay! Kiss me, lois.

And think about our marriage
while we're kissing.

Mm...

? oh, barkley, my barkley ?

? the other dog we had. ?

And that's baker's dozen.

We're hoping you say yes.

Or just roll with it.

[laughter]

Great pitch, guys.

This is exactly the kind of
tagline-driven comedy

-We're looking for.
-Really?

The only problem is
we've already committed

To another project:

-Big wonder.
-Thank you, gentlemen.

-What?!
-He owns the rights to the domain name.

That's a big deal in our world.

Fine. We don't need you.

We'll take this down the hall
to scott rudin.

[loud crash]

He threw a computer at me.

He didn't even ask who I was.

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